Apologize
by evitascarlett
Summary: As Kate finds herself getting back on solid ground in her relationship with Castle, her world gets turned upside down by an unexpected visitor. As emotions run high and danger lurks will she and Castle be able to stand together and become stronger or will their secrets and lies eventually tear them apart? Set after 4x22 Undead Again. AU
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: I know this idea has been done before but I intend to take it in directions that I don't believe have been done so please give it a chance! I intend to bring a lot of emotion and elements of danger, along with the usual romance of Castle and Beckett. So stick with me if you will as I make a foray into the world of drama. Set after Undead Again._

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything._

Chapter 1 – Somebody That I Used To Know

'_Now you're just somebody that I used to know' – Gotye_

Meagan Stevens leaned against the kitchen counter in her small home in Wyoming. The table was strewn with papers waiting to be graded but she was procrastinating. She just didn't feel like grading papers tonight, so she stood with a mug of tea in her hands, allowing the small television sitting on the end of the counter draw her attention to national headlines. She sipped her tea as a newscaster switched stories.

"_In New York City this morning, an officer was shot at the funeral of her Captain."_

The statement grabbed her attention more than any of the other stories and she moved closer and turned up the volume.

"_NYPD Detective Kate Beckett was shot by a sniper as she eulogized her Captain, Roy Montgomery…"_

"No. No!" she cried as she heard the name and a picture of the young woman flashed on the screen. The mug slide from her hands crashing to the floor and shattering, the hot liquid that it had held splashing her bare feet but she didn't register the sensation.

"…_shot in the chest and was rushed to a nearby hospital where she is listed in critical conditional."_

The words were echoing in her brain as she began to shake, her eyes never leaving the picture on the screen, a picture of a young woman who looked a lot like her.

"…_Some of you may recognize the name of Kate Beckett as she is the inspiration of the popular Nikki Heat mystery series by Bestselling Author Richard Castle. The shooter remains at large…."_

The newscaster droned on reading statements from the 12th precinct and the Mayor but the words were barely making sense as they filtered through her mind.

The picture of Kate Beckett faded away and the newscaster moved onto other stories but Meagan didn't here any of it. The last story was still running through her mind and ringing in her ears.

'_Shot in the chest_…_critical condition_…_Nikki Heat_….'

Her stomach twisted into a thousand knots and it threatened to turn on her any moment as the room spun before her eyes. She slid to the floor, tears running down her face.

She knew Kate Beckett, but not as Nikki Heat although she had read the books and had devoured every tidbit she had gleaned about her through magazine articles and following the author on his website and other social media. Kate Beckett was so much more to her than a cop, or the inspiration of a book.

She forced herself off the floor, her unsteady feet carrying her to the table where she grabbed her purse from where it rested on a chair. She dumped the contents out on the table, her fingers fumbling clumsily as she tore her wallet apart in search of the card that had been hidden away. Meagan grabbed her phone and punched in the number and forced herself to be calm as she went through the channels to get the person she wanted on the line.

"Ms. Stevens," the agent said gravely as if he had been expecting her call.

"I want to know what's happened to my daughter and I want to know now!" she demanded.

He gave a slight sigh of exasperated patience "Ms. Stevens…," he said again and she knew what was coming. He'd tell her that it was better not to know, that knowing would be of no use to her but she wasn't playing that game this time. Not when her daughter was possibly dying.

"No," she stated firmly, "My name isn't Ms. Stevens; it's Beckett! Johanna Beckett and I want to know what's happened to my daughter and I want answers now or I swear to god I'll get on a plane and go to New York and find out for myself."

"I wouldn't advise that," Agent Jenkins stated firmly.

"Then you better get me some answers," she demanded.

"Give me an hour," he replied, "I'll call you back."

She ended the call and laid her phone down and swiped at the tears on her face before retrieving her laptop. She'd give Agent Jenkins an hour, but in the meantime she would search for a flight to New York just in case he didn't call back. Her mind reeled and her stomach still felt as though it were tied into knots. Five minutes before the deadline her phone rang and she snatched it before the first ring had been completed.

"The bullet nicked her heart but the damage has been repaired and she's made it through surgery although it was touch and go at times and she lost a lot of blood," Agent Jenkins stated, "She is still listed in critical condition but she's stable now and they feel confident that she will make a full recovery."

She released the breath that she had been holding. "Is my husband with her?" she asked quietly.

"Yes."

"Is he safe?"

"Yes."

"Why did this happen?" she asked, "Why did someone try to kill my daughter?"

"Ms. Stevens," he stated with exasperation.

"It's Beckett," she replied, her tone brokering no nonsense, "And there is a flight to New York in the morning," she threatened.

"That wouldn't be in your best interest or your daughter's."

"Then start talking."

By the time she hung up the phone she had been informed of the situation. More tears fell. This was all her fault. Her child was lying in a hospital with a bullet hole in her because of her, because she was chasing this thing that had sent her into hiding. She was looking for justice, wanted her mother's killer to pay for his crime and now she had almost lost her life because she didn't know the truth. She didn't know that her mother was alive.

Johanna thought of Jim, thought of him sitting beside their child in a hospital room. He must be going through hell. She knew she was. Twelve years…Twelve years she had been living this lie in order to stay alive and tonight she couldn't bear it. She'd trade places with her daughter in a heartbeat. She still remembered the day she had been whisked away, of how she had cried the entire way knowing that her family was being fooled into believing that she had been murdered. She should've known that Katie wouldn't let it be. Katie always had to have an answer; Katie always needed the whole story.

She had cried every night the whole first year away from them. Shed her tears in the darkness as she lay in a bed that seemed to cold and empty without her husband next to her. During the day she went through the motions of living, of becoming Meagan Stevens instead of Johanna Beckett; Adjusting to the quieter life of Wyoming instead of the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, teaching a pre-law course at a small university instead of arguing cases in a courtroom. She had never been able to act as though she hadn't been married; her new friends assumed that she was a widow due to her evasiveness and her avoidance of dating, despite the interest of a fellow professor named Jack Dalton. Jack was a good man, honest and caring but she couldn't be in a relationship with him and she had to tell him that she would accept his friendship but nothing more. He was still around in the capacity of a friend but there was always that little glint of hope that he carried in his eyes that she'd change her mind, but she wouldn't. She was still married, still in love with her husband and she wasn't going to be unfaithful to him.

Three years into her new life she had accidently let it slip that she had a daughter. She realized her mistake as soon as the words had crossed her lips. Her friends tried to pry it out of her but she had clammed up and refused to discuss the matter. They assumed that she had lost her child as well. Johanna didn't like having people think that her husband and daughter were dead but what else could she do? She couldn't tell the truth, and most of the time she didn't know the truth of how her family was or where they were or what they were doing. Ten years had passed before she got a glimpse of Kate via an article in Cosmopolitan. She had been flipping through the magazine as she stood in line at the market, her interest piqued by the picture of an author that she sometimes read on the cover. Suddenly her daughter's face materialized on the glossy page and she had almost cried out in surprise. She purchased the magazine and made it home before she broke down in tears.

She had stared at that magazine photo for an hour that day, studying Kate, drinking in her first glimpse of her in over a decade. She looked so different in some ways; her hair was shorter and her eyes didn't hold the sparkle that she remembered. Once she knew that Richard Castle was with her daughter on what sounded like a daily basis she made sure to read and follow everything possible about him in hopes of catching glimpses into Kate's life. She searched her name on a weekly basis, printed off articles that mentioned her and photos of her from book release parties. It eased the pain slightly, to be able to see her in some ways. She only wished that she could so easily find information about her husband.

That night as she laid awake in the darkness, her heart heavy and her mind twisted with worry, she cried. She cried for Katie and prayed and begged god to allow her to recover. She cried for Jim, could easily feel his anguish as well as her own and she cried for herself, at the feeling of helplessness that wrapped around her like a suffocating vice that couldn't be loosened. She wanted to be with them. She wanted to take care of her daughter. She wanted to lean on her husband and have him tell her that everything would be alright.

Johanna had always thought that as the years went by that being separated from them would get easier but it didn't. It only grew harder; especially now and she didn't know how much longer she could carry on in this farce that she lived. Every time she closed her eyes that night the image of Kate's face on the television screen flashed in her mind, the newscaster's words echoing in her head on an endless loop and she wished in those moments that she could rewind time and keep all of this from either happening or that her supposed murder had been real so that she wouldn't have to carry the guilt of knowing that Kate had been hurt because she was pursuing justice on her behalf.

* * *

A year later she was still reeling, unable to put her thoughts of Kate and the shooting behind her. The feelings of longing and need to be with her family just wouldn't let go of her. She knew that Kate was fine, that she had been back at work since September and had obviously fully recovered but it didn't ease her worries. She was distracted, her thoughts always drifting and the people around her were starting to worry.

"Meg, are you alright?" her friend Carolyn asked her on an almost daily basis.

She always smiled and said that she was fine but they both knew that she was lying, and so did Jack. She accepted his invitation to lunch that day in hopes of persuading him that she was fine.

"Meg, you know that you can talk to me, don't you?" Jack asked once they were settled at their table with their food.

"I know," she replied with a light smile as she stabbed her fork into her salad.

"Then tell me what's wrong," he implored.

"Nothing's wrong," Johanna answered while thinking that everything was wrong and had been for thirteen years.

"You're not yourself," he replied.

That was the understatement of the century, she thought to herself as she shrugged.

"I'm just restless," she replied, "My mind isn't focused."

"What's brought that on?" he questioned.

"I don't know," she answered as she focused her eyes on her plate.

"Meg."

"What?"

"The way you've been acting isn't something recent; this has been going on for awhile now."

"So?" she said her tone taking on an edge.

"I'd like to help you, if you'd let me," Jack stated.

She forced a smile to her face, "That's kind of you but there's nothing to help with."

He smiled back at her, his gaze speaking volumes about his disbelief in her denials.

"Maybe you need to get away for awhile," he said as he covered her hand with his own.

She stared at the sight of his hand covering hers and she couldn't help but think that it was the wrong hand; it should be Jim's hand. It should be Jim sitting across the table from her.

"I don't think you've taken a vacation the entire time I've known you."

Johanna nodded, "You're right; I need to get away for awhile."

He grinned, "See I did help; any ideas of where you'd like to go?"

Her smile was genuine this time as she looked at him, "I'd like to go to New York."

"Good choice," he replied, "Lot's of things to see and do there."

Johanna nodded and a feeling of relief and anticipation flooded her. It was time to end this. It was time to go home.

The semester ended the next week and she handed in her students final grades and said goodbye to her friends and colleagues, allowing them to believe that her resurgence of energy was due to the long overdue vacation she was taking. Agent Jenkins wouldn't be happy but she was tired of living this way. She wanted to see Jim and she wanted to see for herself that Katie was fine, and maybe they could end this thing that had destroyed their lives.

She allowed Jack to drive her to the airport, even allowed him to kiss her cheek before she boarded the plane. As she settled into her seat she released a breath that she hadn't realized she was holding. Johanna looked down at her hands, they were shaking slightly. She was nervous and at times she was afraid of what she was about to do but she wasn't backing down, she was going to see this through. She was leaving Meagan Stevens behind and taking back her life as Johanna Beckett.

* * *

Johanna walked into the 12th precinct, her hands still shaking and her stomach full of nervous flutters. She could turn back and forget all about this, simply wait somewhere nearby and catch a glimpse of her daughter and then drive by the house she used to call home and see if she could get a look at her husband but she shook those thoughts away. She had come all this way and she wasn't backing down, she wasn't settling for seeing them from a distance. She wanted to talk to them, hug them, and hold their hands. She had to do this so Katie would stop looking for these people that had torn them apart. Her eyes scanned the busy precinct in search of her daughter but she didn't find her.

"Can I help you?" a voice asked from behind her.

Johanna turned to face the woman, "I'm not sure," she answered, "I'm looking for someone."

"I'm Captain Gates, if you're looking for one of my people than I'm sure I can help you," she stated as she looked the woman over, feeling as though there was something familiar about her as if she had seen her somewhere before.

"I'm looking for my daughter," Johanna answered, "But it's a sensitive situation."

"Who's your daughter?" Gates asked, "Does she work for me?"

Johanna nodded, "Detective Kate Beckett," she said quietly.

The Captain stared at her, "I'm sorry, did you say Beckett?"

"Yes."

"That's not possible, her mother is dead."

"I assure you that I'm very much alive," Johanna whispered, "That's just what they were made to believe."

"Perhaps it would be best if we stepped into my office," Gates said as she continued to study the woman. Now she knew why she looked familiar, she looked like Beckett.

Johanna followed her through the bull pen, her eyes landing on a name plate that read 'Det. Beckett'. Her breath caught as her eyes lingered on the desk that was cluttered with papers and elephant figurines. Once inside the office Gates shut the door and partially closed the blinds before taking her place behind the desk.

"You better explain yourself," the Captain stated.

Johanna took a breath and began her story. She told Captain Gates of how she had taken Pulgotti's case and how while investigating the case she had stumbled upon a group of corrupt cops who had been kidnapping members of mob families for ransom. As she followed the trail she realized that someone else was involved, someone powerful and with more sway than a few dirty cops but she never got to uncover who that person was. A hit had been put out on her, and the F.B.I who had been watching someone they would only refer to as a person of interest had caught wind of it. They said that this person was extremely careful, that he somehow always managed to keep his hands clean and suspicion off of himself and that they didn't have enough hard evidence to make an arrest. The best that they could do for her was to elaborately stage the crime and place her in witness protection where she had been for the last thirteen years, living in Wyoming as Meagan Stevens.

When she finished telling the story, she slipped Agent Jenkins card from her pocket and handed it to Captain Gates. Gates studied the card and then looked at the woman sitting across the desk from her.

"So why leave now?" she asked, "If this is true why jeopardize yourself this way?"

"I've always thought about it," Johanna replied quietly, "but I never actually considered going through with it until a year ago".

"What happened then that changed your mind?"

"I was watching the news one evening in May," she began, "And the newscaster began telling this story of an officer who was shot at a funeral, and then he said the name of this cop and a picture of my daughter flashed on the screen and all I could think of was getting to her but I held back. I called Agent Jenkins and threatened to come to New York unless he told me what had happened and if she was going to be alright. He kept me informed of her status and her recovery in exchange for me staying put."

Gates nodded, "But why now? That would've been reason to leave then but why now, a year later when you know that she's fully recovered?"

Johanna swallowed hard and blinked back a few tears that were stinging her eyes, "Because I can't over it, because I know that it happened because of me. I know that Katie is chasing these people and she has to stop. I don't want her dying over this."

"Do you really think that exposing yourself is the right thing to do? Have you considered that when these people find out that you are still alive that they will come after you?"

"Yes, I've considered that."

"And?"

"And I'd rather them come after me than my daughter."

Gates sighed, "It's not too late for you to walk out of here and go back to Wyoming."

Johanna shook her head, "I want to see my family."

"I can place you somewhere in the building where you would be able to see Kate and ease your mind. She'd never have to know."

"You don't understand," Johanna said; a hint of frustration shining through her tone "Katie has to know so she'll stop."

"What makes you think that if these people are pursuing her that they'll stop?"

"If she stops trying to find a resolution to the case then they will have no reason to hurt her."

"I don't think you're thinking clearly about this," Gates said, "I understand the worry and anxiety that you must have but this isn't a good idea."

Johanna bit her lip in effort to control the aggravation that she was feeling. "Captain, are you married?"

"Yes I am," she replied.

"How would you feel if you were kept away from your husband for over a decade? How would you feel each time an anniversary passed and you didn't get to share it with him? What if all you had to think about during those string of nights spent alone were all the dreams and plans that the two of you had made that were going unfulfilled? You don't know how he is, you don't know if he hurts as badly as you do. You can't see him or hear his voice except in your dreams."

Gates was about to speak but Johanna cut her off. "Do you have children?"

"Yes."

"How would you feel if you were missing out on your child's life? You spend your days wondering where she is, what she's doing, is she safe, is she happy. Has she found the love of her life? Does she think of all the moments you won't get to share with her? Every birthday that goes by you wonder what she looks like now, if she remembers how much you love her. It's not easy Captain."

"I'm sure that it isn't," the woman replied.

"I went ten years without a glimpse of Katie until I saw her picture in a magazine. The only insight I have into her life is through a set of novels, Google searches, and mentions on Richard Castle's twitter account and website. It's not enough, it used to ease some of the pain but it doesn't anymore."

"You're sure you want to do this?" Gates asked once more.

Johanna nodded, "I'm tired of living this lie. I don't want to be Meagan Stevens anymore. I want to be me; I want to be Johanna Beckett."

"The F.B.I. isn't going to like this."

"I don't care."

Gates tapped the card against her desk, "I have to call and verify all of this."

"Please do."

She sat quietly as the Captain made her calls and when she finished the woman leaned forward in her chair and locked her gaze on hers.

"Agent Jenkins strongly advises you to return to Wyoming.".

"No," she stated firmly.

"If you leave their protection they are no longer responsible for your safety," Gates explained.

"I accept that," Johanna stated.

"You're not turning back?"

"No."

"You're willing to take the risk that the person you were being hid from may find out about your existence and retaliate against you?"

She nodded, "It's a risk I'm willing to take."

Gates studied her for a moment, "Mrs. Beckett, do you realize that your husband and daughter may not be the same people that you remember? There's a possibility that they won't take this news well."

"I realize that it will be a shock to them," she replied, "But I'm sure that I can handle it."

"Maybe you should think it over some more."

"I've thought it over for a year now and I've made my decision."

"Mrs. Beckett, I really believe that it would be best for everyone involved if you were to settle for seeing them from a distance without their knowledge and then go home to the life you've been living."

"No," she said sternly, "I'm tired of settling, hiding, lying, and being alone. Wyoming has never been my home, this is my home and I'm not leaving, I will find a way to see them."

Gates nodded although an expression of slight exasperation remained on her face. "Alright, if you're determined than we'll reunite you with your family."

Johanna smiled, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," she replied, "Because I think you're going to be in for a surprise. I don't believe for one moment that this is going to go easily. If there is one thing I know about your daughter it's that she's stubborn."

"She always has been."

"She must get it from you."

"That's what my husband always claimed. Where is Katie?"

"She's out wrapping up a case. She'll be back later."

"I'm not waiting until tomorrow if that's what you're hoping," Johanna told the woman.

"I didn't doubt for a moment that you weren't leaving until you saw her, Mrs. Beckett. In the mean time I'll contact your husband and have him come down and I'll break the news to him. I think it would be better if he were here before Kate gets back."

* * *

As Jim Beckett walked into the precinct a feeling of dread slid down his spine. Captain Gates had assured him that Kate was fine, but he wasn't sure that he completely believed the woman. She had stated that she needed to see him about a matter concerning his wife and he couldn't help but feel that if this involved Johanna than it would end up involving Katie.

He caught sight of Kate's desk and saw that her chair was empty, as was the one next to the desk that denoted her partnership with Rick Castle. This didn't feel right, something was wrong and he had a feeling that whatever it was it wasn't going to end well.

"Mr. Beckett?" Captain Gates asked as she approached him.

He nodded and shook her hand when she offered it.

"Are you sure that Katie is fine?" he asked.

"I assure you Mr. Beckett, your daughter is fine. She just checked in with me about an hour ago. She's fine, she'll be back soon."

"Then what is this about?" Jim asked, "If it's about my wife's case than you should probably discuss it with Katie."

"I'm afraid I have to discuss it with both of you," Gates stated, "Let's take this conversation elsewhere."

She led him into one of the rooms they used to speak to family members of victims and when he was seated across from her she took a moment to prepare herself. For someone with her reputation she found this situation difficult and she felt slightly unsure of how to broach the topic. Finally she took a breath and told Jim Beckett the whole story.

He shook his head when she finished, "That's not possible," he said, "She's dead, they showed us her body, we buried her."

"It was staged Mr. Beckett," Gates replied, "The body they showed you was not your wife."

"You're wrong," he stated "I don't know who this person is but she isn't my wife."

"She's in my office," Gates stated, "I contacted the agent she deals with at the F.B.I. He didn't deny her story."

"But did he confirm it?" he asked.

"The F.B.I never gives straight forward confirmation in cases like these but in his evasive way of not hiding the fact that he knew exactly who Meagan Stevens is, and his firm advisory to me that I should order her back to Wyoming confirmed it to me. Not to mention the resemblance between her and your daughter."

"It's not her," Jim stated firmly, "It can't be."

"You would know if you saw her, wouldn't you?" Gates questioned, "You would recognize her?"

"Of course I would recognize her but I'm telling you that it's not my wife."

"Let's go to my office and see if you still feel that way once you see her," Gates stated as she rose from her seat.

"Fine," Jim agreed, "Let's get this over with before Katie walks in here and finds out that someone is impersonating her mother."

He followed Gates into her office and shut the door behind them as she instructed. He then turned and faced the woman in question as she sat in a chair opposite of the Captain's desk.

He openly stared at her, his voice stuck in his throat unable to make a sound as her gaze locked with his. He didn't want to believe it but this woman certainly looked the part, especially her green eyes which were the same shade as Kate's.

"Sit down Mr. Beckett," Gates said quietly as she observed his pale face.

He sank into the chair next to Johanna. "Jim," she said her voice thick with emotion.

He flinched and turned his head away from her. That voice had haunted his dreams for years.

"Is she your wife?" Gates asked.

"I can't believe this," he muttered.

"Jim," Johanna said once again as she reached for his hand.

He jerked his hand away from her and turned his head in her direction, "What the hell have you done, Johanna?" he asked as hurt and anger surged through him.

Tears stung her eyes at the sharp tone of his voice and she suddenly realized that the Captain may be right; this wasn't going to go well.

"I had no choice," she whispered.

He stood from his chair and paced the room. It very well may be that she had no choice, but that didn't make him feel any better right now. All he could think of were the years without her, the pain and anguish; the grief that had almost killed him and had destroyed a part of their daughter's heart. 'Katie' he thought as he paused in front of the desk. She wasn't going to take this well.

"Are you prepared for my daughter's reaction?" he asked Gates, "Because she is going to go ballistic."

"That's why I called you first," she replied, "I'm hoping your presence will keep her calm."

He gave a short laugh, "I assure you Captain, my presence won't hinder my daughter from losing her composure. If you want someone to keep her at some level of calmness then you better hope that Rick is with her, because he's the only person capable of that feat."

"He left with her so I assume he'll come back with her," Gates replied.

"God I hope so," he stated as he looked to his wife once more, "Because this is going to tear her apart."

Johanna's heart dropped as she took in the expression on his face and the words he spoke of Kate's coming reaction set in. She had been so certain of understanding but now…now she wondered if she had made a mistake.

_Authors Note: Castle and Beckett make their appearance in chapter two. I don't intend to make this situation easy on any of the characters involved, especially Kate so be prepared for reactions that may not be what is expected but that I think is highly plausible._


	2. Chapter 2

_Authors Note: First and foremost I want to thank everyone for their reviews and for following this story. It means a lot to me as I wasn't sure how it would go over. Apparently it went over so well that someone felt it necessary to copy it and post it as their own. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery…that's a lie. I was far from flattered, I was angry and I'm still bothered by the whole situation which brings me to the next thing I want to say which is, if you see someone using someone else's work do the right thing and report them and then contact the original author! I would've never known about this if I hadn't stumbled across it on my own. So please if you see anyone copying my stories or someone else's do something about it! It's wrong and it's against the rules. I will do the same for any of you and I hope you extend me the same courtesy. We have to stick together. Now with that said, on with the story. I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

Chapter 2 – Someone Like You

'_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it' - Adele_

Kate stood next to Castle outside of a swanky Manhattan high rise and watched as their suspect was placed in the back of a police car. Another case closed, she thought to herself and then she allowed a small smile to touch her lips as she glanced at her partner who was responding to a text message.

He had brought her coffee that morning. A trivial gesture to some people but a gesture that meant far more to her, because the way she figured it the state of her life depended on a cup of coffee delivered by one Richard Castle.

'Nine days in a row now,' she thought to herself and if she was pathetic for keeping track of such a thing than so be it. Coffee meant normalcy, it meant that they were back on stable ground. Coffee meant that she hadn't lost him yet, that she still had a chance. She felt as though that they had a new understanding between them after the conversation they had the day they closed the zombie case. The distance between them had been erased for the most part and he was once again answering her calls. They were finally getting back to normal…or at least normal for them, she mused, and that was where they needed to be in order to move forward.

He placed his phone back in his pocket and sighed before turning his attention to her.

"Problem?" she asked.

"Mother is trying her hand at costume making once again," Castle replied.

"I thought she gave that up," Kate replied.

"So did I, but apparently she has become re-inspired."

She laughed, "Maybe she was watching Project Runway."

He nodded, "It's possible, she and Alexis watch a lot of it."

"So what's the problem?" Kate asked, "What's wrong with Martha making costumes?"

Castle looked at her as if she should already know the problem, "I'm the one that has to critique them."

Kate shrugged, "That is part of the Project Runway experience."

"Does that make me Heidi Klum?" he asked.

She laughed, "You don't have the body to be Heidi Klum."

He looked at her in mock indignation, "I'll have you know that my body is just as hot as hers."

She laughed again, "Is that right?"

Castle nodded and then grinned mischievously, "I could prove it to you."

"Alright, go ahead," she replied her own eyes sparkling merrily.

"Name a time and place," he said.

"What's wrong with here and now?" she asked.

"I'll get arrested for indecent exposure!" he exclaimed.

Kate shrugged, "I'll bail you out."

Castle laughed, "You say that now, but the second I'm in handcuffs you'll pretend not to know me."

"Would I do that?" she asked with a teasing grin.

"Yes you would," he replied.

"I think you're just chicken, which is so unlike Heidi Klum. You must be more like Michael Kors."

"I'm way cooler than him," Castle stated.

"Who says?"

"Everyone," he replied "It's universally acknowledged, and by the way how do you know so much about Project Runway? Have you been watching a few marathons?"

"Yeah, well I had to have something to do in my spare time," she replied thinking of the loneliness she had felt during the weeks that he had distanced himself from her.

"I thought maybe you had some secret desire to be a fashion designer," he told her.

"I briefly considered it when I was twelve," she answered.

"What changed your mind?"

"HomeEc class," she replied, "The sewing machine and I didn't get along very well."

"Hmm, Kate Beckett got her ass kicked by a sewing machine. Who would've thought?"

"Shut up," she said with a laugh.

"I guess it's true what Heidi says," Castle teased.

"What's that?" she asked.

"In fashion, one day you're in and the next day you're out," he replied.

She smirked as she smacked his arm lightly, "Funny."

He laughed and then reached for his phone which was buzzing once again. He read the message and then responded to it before giving his attention back to her.

"I have to go, Mother needs my insight," he told Kate.

She smiled but shifted slightly, "See you tomorrow?" she asked.

He could see the clouds of worry in her eyes as she made the statement that had never been asked as a question until recently. He didn't have to tell her how close he had been to walking away from her a few weeks before; she knew and it showed in the subtle nervous gestures she had adopted whenever they parted for the day. When she told him that the wall was coming down and that she wanted him to be there when it did, she had given him back a feeling of hope and the spark had reignited despite the sting he still felt in relation to her lie.

Castle smiled at her, laid his hand on her arm for a moment and said, "See you tomorrow."

The worry cleared from her features and she nodded before they went in their separate directions. Him, to his loft and her back to the precinct to wrap things up with the boys.

* * *

Gates heard voices in the bull pen and she crossed the room and peeked between the slats of the blind that covered her office window. She caught sight of Beckett, along with Ryan and Esposito as they dismantled the murder board signifying the closing of the most current case. Her gaze searched for the figure of Richard Castle and came up empty. She waited, giving him time to materialize but when he didn't she knew that Kate Beckett was going to have to take this news without her unofficial partner at her side.

"Damn," she muttered softly. The one time she would've greatly welcomed the author's presence and he was no where to be found. She let the slats of the blind slide shut and she turned back towards the two people sitting in her office.

"Is she out there?" Jim asked.

Gates nodded, "She's out there."

"And Rick?" he asked.

"He must've gone on home."

Jim let his head fall into his hands for a brief moment, "She'd do better if Rick was with her."

"She'll understand," Johanna said softly although she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Jim or herself. She had a strong suspicion that it was more for her own benefit; she didn't want to believe that it was going to be as bad as her husband was suggesting.

He shook his head, "She's not going to understand. I'm not sure _I _understand, and if I don't understand then Katie sure as hell isn't going to."

"I guess we'll find out," Gate stated as she crossed the room towards the door. "The best thing to do is just to get it over with, and if she needs Castle we'll call him afterwards."

She slipped out the door and closed it behind her and then moved in the direction of her team of detectives. She felt a measure of relief that it was almost 6 and the bull pen was largely deserted thanks in part to a relatively slow day.

They stopped their conversation as she approached and they must've read something in her body language because they were all suddenly alert and their expressions serious.

"Beckett, I need to talk to you," Gates stated.

Kate eyed her for a moment, "Okay," she said as stepped back towards her desk.

Ryan and Esposito began to shuffle away figuring their presence was most likely unwanted.

"You two should stay," Gates said, stopping them from retreating any further.

Gates figured that if Castle wasn't there then she'd settle for the presence of Ryan and Esposito while she broached this topic. They gathered around Beckett's desk and waited for whatever was about to come.

"Is something wrong?" Beckett asked as a tremor of fear made itself known in the pit of her stomach.

"Sit down," her Captain instructed as she gestured towards her chair.

Kate shared a look with the boys and then looked at the expression on Gates face and she didn't like what she saw. She didn't like where this was headed and she felt uneasy as she dropped into her chair. "What's this about?"

Gates held eye contact with her, "It's about your mother."

Kate sucked in a breath and said nothing for a moment. She remembered the last time someone had said those words to her and her eyes flicked towards Castle's empty chair and she found herself wishing that he had came back to the precinct with her because she had a feeling that she wasn't going to like this conversation.

"What about her?" she asked in trepidation.

There was a long pause before Gates spoke. "She's alive."

Ryan and Esposito looked at each other and then to Kate who was starring at their Captain as if she had just spoken in a language that she couldn't translate.

"I'm sorry, Sir," Beckett said firmly, "But you're wrong. My mother is dead."

"No, Beckett, she isn't."

Kate shook her head, "This isn't funny."

"Detective, do I look like I'm telling you a joke?" Gates asked.

"Guys, tell her that she's wrong," Beckett said.

"Her mother was murdered," Esposito stated, "We've all seen the case file."

"I'm sure you have, but Johanna Beckett is alive."

"And what are you basing this on?" Kate asked sharply, "Where are you getting this information?"

"From the woman sitting in my office," Gates answered.

"And this woman is who?" Kate demanded to know, "Where is she getting her facts?"

Gates took a breath and then told her the entire story that Johanna had given.

"And you believe her?" Kate stated in disbelief when Gates had finished.

"Your father seems to," she replied.

"My father!" she exclaimed, "Some woman walks in here with a flimsy story claiming to be my mother and you call my father down here before you even talk to me?"

"Calm down, Beckett," Gates said.

"No, I'm not going to calm down!" she all but yelled, "This is ridiculous!"

"Beckett, I wouldn't have called your father if I had any doubts," Gates remarked.

"Where is he?" she asked, "Where's my father?"

"In my office…with your mother."

"She isn't my mother!" she declared, "It isn't possible."

"Beckett, it's the truth."

"The hell it is," she said as she shoved the chair away from the desk and stormed towards Gates office.

Gates moved swiftly and matched her stride for stride as Ryan and Esposito remained in place for a stunned moment.

"This isn't good," Ryan muttered once they began moving in the direction of the office.

"This is beyond not good," Esposito replied as Gates managed to get between Beckett and the door.

"You need to stay calm," Gates instructed.

"No, what I need to do is go in there and put a stop to this since you didn't."

Gates ignored the jab and kept her composure as she looked to the two men waiting a few paces away.

"Ryan, Esposito, you get in here too," she ordered before opening the door and walking in ahead of Kate.

Kate entered the room and her eyes landed on her father who looked up at her gravely.

"Dad, you should've called me before you came down here," she stated.

"I thought that you would already be here, Katie, or I would have."

Gates interrupted the exchange as she moved back to her desk. "I hope the two of you don't mind that Detectives Ryan and Esposito are joining us," she said as she gestured to each man as she said his name.

Neither party said anything, both of them focusing on Kate who had now taken the time to stare down the woman at her father's side.

Johanna held her stare, drinking in her first look at her daughter. She could see the anger written across her features and she knew that it wasn't going to go well but she had to try.

"Katie," she said as she braced herself for whatever response she would receive.

"I don't know who you are or what game you're playing," Kate said seriously, "But it's not going to work."

"You know who I am, Katie," Johanna stated as she tried to keep her voice from cracking, "I'm not playing games."

Kate shook away the thoughts of how familiar that voice was, and she ignored the fact that the woman looking back at her certainly bared a strong resemblance to her mother. She wasn't going to let little things like that deter her determination that this person was a fraud.

"You think I'm just going to take your word for it?" Kate spat, "Do you think I'm going to be that naive?"

"Beckett, I know this hard for you…," Gates began to say.

"No!" she exclaimed, "You don't know. What was hard for me was the fact that my mother was left to die in an alley alone. It was hard planning a funeral and then sitting through it. It was hard accepting the fact that she was never coming back, and do you know what was even harder?" she asked in anger.

When no one said a word she continued on, "The hardest thing of all was when the M.E. pulled back that sheet and I had to see her lying on that slab! And now you want me to believe that everything I know is wrong, that everything I saw was some sort of live theater and I was an unwilling unassuming audience participant? I don't think so!"

Her voice had risen with each statement she made and Gates allowed her to vent her rage. She didn't feel that it would be productive to reprimand her at a moment like this so she remained stoic in hopes of keeping the situation from growing worse.

"Here's the card that she gave me," Gates said as she picked up the card and held it out to Beckett.

Kate examined the card that Gates handed her and then dismissed it with a shake of her head as she threw it down on the desk.

"Anybody with a computer can make a card like that," she stated, "It's hardly proof."

"I called the number, Beckett," Gates stated, "I spoke to Agent Jenkins."

"I don't care," she replied, "Anyone can pick up the phone and pretend to be someone else. Hell I can answer my phone and pretend to be Queen Elizabeth if the mood strikes me!"

"Detective," Gates warned.

"Did this so called Agent confirm her story?" Kate asked, unfazed by Gates stern tone.

"In their usual roundabout way, he didn't come straight out and say that Meagan Stevens is Johanna Beckett, but he did advise her to return to Wyoming and he didn't deny that she was your mother."

Kate scoffed, "So it's just a bunch of double talk."

"Beckett, you know how the F.B.I works, you know that they aren't in the business of revealing who is under their protection."

"Yeah well I'm sorry Captain but I'm going to need more evidence than that if you want me to believe that this woman is my mother. My mother who I was told was murdered, the woman whose body I was shown. I've seen the photos from the crime scene and the ME and I'm telling you that this can't be possible!"

"Katie," Johanna pleaded, "You know it's me."

Kate glared at her, "Don't call me that."

"Look at her, Katie" Jim stated, "She looks…,"

"I don't give a damn who or what she looks like!" Kate exclaimed, "I'm telling you that she isn't my mother!"

Johanna rose from her chair and crossed the room towards Kate. As she neared her she reached a hand out to touch her but Kate held up a hand in a defensive gesture and said, "No. Don't come near me."

Johanna stopped in her tracks and dropped her hand as she watched Kate back away like a skittish kitten who had been cornered by a predator. It didn't escape her notice that the detectives that had entered the room with her daughter, shifted protectively around her. One of them, the man she believed the Captain had addressed as Esposito took a step forward putting himself slightly in front of Kate while the other man, Ryan shifted into place behind her elbow.

"Katie, please," she whispered as a sob choked her.

"Beckett, I know this hard for you to come to terms with but I heard her story, I called Agent Jenkins, you're father called her by name. I have no reason to believe that this isn't your mother. You look just like her."

Kate shook her head lightly, and her vision blurred for a moment as she tried to suck in a breath of air. The office was too confining. She maneuvered around Ryan and moved towards the door. Her fingers slipped from the handle twice before she managed to twist it and push the door open.

She had to get away from that room, from this person claiming to be her mother, from her father who looked like his world had just shattered beneath his feet once again. She had to get away from Gates who wanted her to accept the story as fact without any hard evidence. The angry click of her heels sounded loud as they echoed through the mostly deserted precinct as she away briskly walked away. She could hear the heavier footsteps of Ryan and Esposito trailing behind her, along with the sounds of her name being called by various voices but she ignored them all.

Kate saw the ladies room door ahead of her and she quickened her stride to reach it before anyone caught up with her. She prayed that it was empty as she shoved the door open forcefully and darted inside in hopes of finding sanctuary from the madness that had just settled upon her already chaotic life. The bathroom was empty as she had hoped and as she walked further in and stepped in view of the mirror above the sink, she took in the ashen look of her face, the devastation in her eyes. She had seen this image in the mirror once before, the morning after she had been told of her mother's death.

When Ryan and Esposito reached the bathroom door, they moved in unspoken agreement and turned their backs against it and stood guard, intent on assuring the privacy of the woman inside. Neither one of them had spoken during the meeting in Gates office; they had merely shared looks of disbelief and concern as they watched the varying degrees of emotion play across Beckett's features as she came face to face with the woman who claimed to be her mother.

Neither one of them knew what to think of Meagan Stevens who was claiming to be Johanna Beckett but they both made silent vows that no matter what became of this mess, their priority was to have Beckett's back and as Gates came marching down the hallway, Jim and Johanna trailing behind her, they both stood a little taller and their expressions mirrored their determination to protect the woman who was their partner, friend and honorary sister. If Gates was going to bring a battle then they would take it on for her with no hesitation.

"Is she in there?" Gates asked as she approached them.

"Yeah, she's in there," Esposito replied.

"Step aside and let me go in," Gates stated.

The boys looked at each other and then at their boss. They didn't move.

Gates raised an eyebrow, "I asked you to step aside."

"She needs a few minutes," Ryan answered.

Gates eyed them with her usual intimidating glance, "So you're going to defy me?"

Esposito nodded, "Yes, sir."

"I see," she stated as she stepped back and leaned against the opposite wall, "I'll give her five minutes and if she doesn't come out by then, you're going to step aside or else. Understand?"

They both nodded but looked unimpressed by her threat. Five minutes later however, Gates kept her word and pushed her way through the two men guarding the door, ignoring their protests.

Once she entered the bathroom, Esposito turned to Ryan.

"Bro, you better call Castle and tell him to get down here. Gates doesn't stand a chance in hell of getting Beckett to come out of there."

Ryan nodded and pulled his phone from his pocket as he walked further up the hallway away from the small group lingering outside of the bathroom.

* * *

Castle had just sat down at his desk and had opened up his laptop when his phone rang. He fished it from his pocket, looked at the caller's name and accepted the call.

"Hey Ryan, what's going on?" he said as he answered.

"Castle," Ryan said quietly, "You need to get down here to the precinct."

His heart dropped and his stomach twisted and he was sure that he had stopped breathing for a brief moment.

"Kate?" he finally managed to say, his voice full of the dread that he felt.

"She's not hurt," Ryan assured, "But you need to get here, she needs you."

"Ryan, what the hell is going on?" Castle demanded to know, "What's wrong with Kate?"

"It's her mother," he stated.

"What about her?"

"She's here."

It took a moment for the statement to sink in but when it did he replied, "That isn't possible."

"Oh but it is," Ryan replied, "She's alive and she's here. She claims she's been in witness protection."

"No," Castle stated, "It can't be, this has to be some kind of psycho that found out about Kate's story and thinks she can pull something."

"The story is pretty convincing Castle, even Gates believes it and she looks like her, man. She looks like an older version of Beckett."

"Oh my god," he muttered as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

"Beckett's flipping out and not in a good way. She's holed up in the bathroom and Gates just went in after her, and her dad doesn't look much better although he seems to be leaning towards the belief that this woman is who she says she is."

"Jim's there?"

"Yeah, Gates called him in before Beckett got back to the precinct and when we got back she came out and sprung the news."

"Oh my god!" he repeated as he began searching for his keys.

"You need to get here, Castle. Beckett needs you. I know things have been weird between the two of you lately but you need to be here," Ryan stated.

"I'm on my way," Castle stated as he hurried through the apartment, "Tell her I'm coming," he said before ending the call and slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

"Is he coming?" Jim asked as Ryan rejoined them.

"Yeah, he's on his way."

"Good, Rick will be able to take care of her," he stated as he glanced at his tearful wife who was leaning against the wall.

"Jim," she said quietly.

He shook his head, "Not now Johanna, I can't do this now. I have to think it through; I have to make sure Katie is taken care of."

"She doesn't believe me," she cried.

"Can you blame her?" he asked bitterly, "I'm not sure I believe it myself."

"It's me!" she exclaimed through her tears, "You know it's me!"

"Do I?" he asked angrily, "Do I know anything about you?"

"Hey, let's calm down," Esposito said quietly as he stepped between them, "She can probably here you in there and she doesn't need it right now."

Jim nodded and fell silent and Johanna bit her lip as she turned her gaze away.

Kate gripped the edge of the sink in the bathroom. This wasn't happening. It had to be some kind of sick twisted joke because there was no way that woman was her mother. She looked like her and she sounded like her but it just couldn't be. Like she had told Gates, she had seen the crime scene photos, the photos that the medical examiner had taken, it just wasn't possible. Her thoughts were flooding her brain, mixing with the painful memories of those first days without her mother. Her mother wouldn't have done this; she would've found another way. She wouldn't have just left them behind and allowed someone to convince them that she was dead. No, she wouldn't have done that because Johanna Beckett had always been about the truth; and if this story were true then it would mean that she had been lying to them days and maybe even weeks before her supposed death. If it was true than maybe she didn't know her mother as well as she thought she did. Was her whole life a lie or just the last thirteen years? Had she gone through all of this for nothing?

It was getting difficult to breathe, she was gasping for breath as a panic attack took hold of her. She didn't hear the mild scuffle outside or the bathroom door opening nor did she hear the clicking of heels against the tile floor but she felt the firm hand that settled onto her shoulder.

"Breathe, Kate," her Captain spoke, her voice low and calm, "Just breathe, slowly, in and out."

Somehow she managed to focus on Gates voice and she was able to calm herself down and end the attack.

"I'm sorry," she muttered as embarrassment washed over her.

Gates shook her head, "Do you really think that I'd hold it against you?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly as she avoided looking the woman in the eyes.

"Kate, you've had a shocking experience and I don't hold your reaction against you and I didn't come in here to chasten you over it or to make you see or accept something that you obviously don't want to right now. I came in here to check on you and to see if there is someone I can call for you," Gates stated although she had a feeling of who her detective was going to want.

There was only one person in the world that Kate wanted the most right then and she hoped that he would come to her.

"Castle," she whispered, "I want Castle."

Gates nodded, "I'll call him. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Please don't let her come in here," she pleaded as she heard that woman's voice coming from somewhere outside the door.

"I won't," she told her before walking away.

When Gates stepped outside of the bathroom she looked at the small group congregated in the hallway.

"Call Castle," she said to Ryan, "She's asking for him."

"We already called," Ryan replied, "He's on his way."

She re-entered the bathroom and made her way back to Kate.

"He's on his way, Ryan already called him," she told her.

"Okay," she answered quietly as she tried to keep control of her emotions.

Gates reached forward and lifted her gun from its place on her hip and when Kate looked at her in confusion she provided an explanation.

"I'm not comfortable with you having a weapon right now, Beckett," she stated, "Not that I believe that you'd do something crazy but you are overwrought and I'd rather hold onto it for you."

Kate swallowed hard and simply nodded. She wasn't going to argue with the woman, let her have the gun. It was probably better that way. If she had remembered that it was still strapped to her hip she probably would've been tempted to use it to scare the truth out of Meagan Stevens or whoever the hell she was. Gates left her alone once more and she moved away from the sink and slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs and allowed the tears to fall as she waited for Castle. She hopped he would hurry. He would figure this out for her; he'd know that this couldn't be possible.

* * *

Gates had retreated to her office long enough to lock Kate's gun in her desk and then she returned to the hallway where the tension seemed to be building as Johanna Beckett stared a hole into the bathroom door. She seemed to be debating something and Gates was watching her along with Esposito and Ryan.

Finally Johanna made the decision to move towards the door calling, "Katie," as she went. Gates stepped in front of her, preventing her from entering the room.

"You're not going in there," she told her.

"I have to, I can talk to her, I'll make her understand," Johanna stated in frustration.

"You can't make someone understand something that they don't want to, and right now she doesn't want to understand, she's not even convinced that you are who you say you are," Gates told her.

"I have to try."

"No you don't," Jim spoke up, "The more you push the more she's going to rebel against it. Leave her alone, Rick's coming, he'll take care of her. She's not going to listen to a thing you say."

Johanna retreated back to her spot along the wall and forced herself to cope with the situation while keeping some hold of her emotions.

"Come on, Castle," Ryan was muttering as he and Esposito paced up and down the hallways, their eyes darting between the elevator and the door Kate was hiding behind, and the woman leaning against the opposite wall. Finally the elevator doors slid open and Castle came barreling out of them.

"Where is she?" he asked as soon as his eyes landed on Esposito, "Where's Kate?"

"Still in the bathroom," he replied as he nodded at the door Gates was guarding.

Castle hurried down the hallway, stopping in his tracks for a moment as he caught his first look at Johanna. Ryan was right; she looked like an older version of Beckett.

"Get in there, Mr. Castle. She's asking for you," Gates said as she stepped aside.

The words spurned him into action once more and he pushed into the ladies room without any thought or hesitation.

"Kate," he said softly as he caught sight of her huddled on the floor.

She raised her tear stained face and looked at him, "Castle," she cried as she stretched her arms out towards him.

He was at her side in an instant, pulling her up from the floor and directly into his arms.

"It's not possible," she whispered as she wrapped herself around him, "You've seen the pictures in the case file, it isn't possible is it?"

"I don't know," he answered quietly, "I don't know what to think. It's not something I ever expected."

She was trembling and he tightened his hold on her in response. Her soft cries turned into sobs that broke his heart and as he tried to soothe her, her breathing changed and she was gasping for breath once more. He talked her through the attack, just as Gates had done and he ignored the painful grip of her fingers as they dug into his shoulders.

"Tell me it's a bad dream, Castle," she pleaded, "Tell me I drank too much wine and fell asleep reading one of your books and that when I open my eyes all of this is going to go away."

"I wish I could," he told her as he ran a hand over her hair.

"It can't be happening," she whispered.

"We'll get through it," he replied, "Just like we always do."

She continued to cry as he held her and he found himself at a loss for words. What could he say to make this any better for her? He couldn't think of anything that would ease the pain or take it away so he kept his arm firm around her waist, while his other hand continued to run across the back of her head in a soothing motion and hoped it was enough. Finally her cries eased and he gently pulled out of her grasp long enough to wet a few paper towels that he then wiped her face with. He couldn't help but think that the fact that she allowed him to clean the tracks of her tears from her cheeks showed how very shaken she was.

"I don't understand any of this," she said quietly once he completed his task. "It just doesn't make any sense."

"We'll figure it out," he assured again, "We'll get to the bottom of it and if she isn't who she says she is, we'll find out."

She looked at him for a long moment, "Together?" she asked quietly.

He knew she was still unsure of where she stood with him in regards to their relationship due to his recent behavior and the only thing he could think of to convince her that he was with her in this was to utter the one word that meant the most to them.

"Always," he told her as he looked her in the eye.

She tried to smile at him but it fell flat so he simply opened his arms to her once more and allowed her step back into his embrace.

"I want to get out of here," she said after a few moments, "I can't take anymore tonight. I can't deal with it right now."

"Alright," he answered, "But I'm not leaving you alone, you're coming home with me and I don't want any argument," Castle stated firmly.

"Okay," she replied softly.

"That may be the easiest you've ever given in to me," he replied.

She managed a soft laugh, "I don't want to be alone."

"Okay," he said, "I'll go ask Gates if you can leave."

"At the moment I really don't care if it's alright with her or not," she said quietly as she swiped her fingertips beneath her eyes, "I'm going anyway."

"I know," Castle replied, "But at least she won't be able to say that we didn't ask first before we defied her."

Her lips tipped up in a faint smile, "I'll wait here."

He nodded, "I'll be right back."

Castle exited the bathroom and found Gates still lingering in the hallway with the others.

"Can she leave?" he asked, "She wants to go."

The Captain nodded, "She can go."

"I have to talk to her," Johanna all but pleaded.

Castle turned his head in her direction, "She's not up for anymore talking right now," he told her, "Maybe tomorrow when she cools off."

Esposito stepped forward and took Johanna's arm, "Come on, come sit down," he instructed her as he steered her away from the bathroom.

Ryan led Jim away in the same direction, leaving only Gates behind.

Castle went back into the bathroom to get Kate.

"Come on," he said, "She said you can go."

Kate nodded, "I have to get my stuff."

"We'll get it and then we'll leave."

"I don't want to talk to her," she said as she followed him to the door.

"You don't have to," Castle replied as he pushed the door open.

They stepped into the hallway and she took a deep breath to steady her nerves as her gaze landed on Gates.

"I don't want to see you back here for the next two days," Gates stated.

"That's not…" she began to protest but Gates held up a hand silencing her.

"It is necessary, your head isn't going to be in the game, Beckett," she said firmly and then she looked to Castle, "And since you're her 'partner' it's up to you to make sure she stays out of here."

He nodded, "I'll make sure of it."

They walked back into the bullpen and found Jim sitting at Ryan's desk and Johanna at Esposito's.

Jim stood up and made his way towards her and hugged her tightly.

"Are you okay?" she asked him quietly.

"I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you than me," he told her.

"I'll be alright," she whispered but neither of them believed it.

"Let Rick take care of you," he replied quietly.

She pulled away from him and nodded, "I will."

She caught Johanna's gaze but she walked away and nothing was said between them.

"Ryan, can you make sure my dad gets home alright?" Kate asked.

"No problem," he replied.

She nodded her thanks to him and then joined Castle who was already at her desk gathering up her phone, keys, and purse. She took her belongings and then said to him "Get me out of here."

Castle nodded and turned her in the direction of the elevator. It was going to be a long night, he thought to himself as he cast a glance at Kate's pale face and recalled the look of the woman they were leaving behind in the precinct.


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! The response to this story has been much more than I anticipated and I thank all of you for your support. I already have a piece of chapter 4 written so hopefully it will be up before the weekend is over. I hope you guys enjoy this one!_

Chapter 3 – Let Her Cry

'_Just let her cry if the tears fall down like rain' – Hootie and the Blowfish_

Once Castle and Beckett were on the elevator and gone, Gates turned to Ryan.

"Take Mr. Beckett home," she instructed.

Ryan nodded in agreement and Jim rose from his chair, ready to accompany the man out. He wanted to get away almost as bad as his daughter did.

"Jim, wait," Johanna pleaded as she dug through her purse and pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen.

He paused and waited as she scribbled something on the paper and then accepted it from her outstretched hand.

"Maybe after you have some time to think about things," she began, "you can call me and we can talk about it."

He looked at the number that she had hurriedly scrawled across the back of an old receipt and nodded before shoving the paper in his pocket and moving towards Ryan, leaving her behind just as Katie had done.

Johanna didn't think it was possible for her heart to feel any more shattered than it already did, but it gave another painful twist as she watched her husband walk away from her, following the same steps that her daughter had taken. She hadn't bothered to offer Katie her number, she figured that if she had handed her a slip of paper that she would've ripped it up and threw it in her face. This had gone so horribly wrong.

Gates approached her and handed her a card that bore her name and number, along with returning the card with Agent Jenkins number on it.

"If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call."

"Thank you."

"It's going to take time," she replied quietly as she took in the forlorn look on the woman's face.

Johanna nodded and slipped the cards into her pocket and then rose from her seat and hooked the strap of her purse over her shoulder. It looked like she was done here, her daughter was enraged and had fled and her husband seemed to be hovering somewhere between disbelief and anger as he walked away from her. She gave a slight shake of her head, her work here was definitely done, she thought sarcastically.

"Esposito, please take Mrs. Beckett back to wherever she is staying," Gates instructed.

Johanna looked at the detective as he listened to his Captain, he didn't look happy with the assignment but he accepted the task and beckoned her to follow him which she did with a heavy heart and a worried mind.

* * *

As Esposito drove towards the hotel that Johanna Beckett had named, he couldn't help but keep taking quick glances at the silent woman in the passenger seat. He felt like he was trapped in some kind of movie where nothing was as it seemed. It seemed impossible to believe, but the resemblance between the woman sitting next to him starring out the window, and the woman he considered a sister, was striking. Same eyes, same face structure. Beckett's hair color was a shade or two lighter but it didn't take away from the fact that she looked like her, and then there was the fact that Meagan Stevens did look like the photo of Johanna Beckett that he remembered seeing.

"Look," he said quietly pulling her from her thoughts, "I don't know if you're who you say you are but if you are Beckett's mother do you have a way to prove it?"

"Only my word," she answered.

"Words aren't going to cut it with Beckett," he replied.

"Why would I lie?" Johanna asked in exasperation.

He shrugged, "How should I know?" he replied, "I'm a cop, I see and hear people lie everyday for any number of reasons."

"I have no reason to lie to her," she answered as she caught his eye, "I would have nothing to gain from it."

"She's been through a lot," Esposito stated.

"I know." Johanna answered.

"We're not going to let her get hurt again," he stated firmly.

"Who all does that statement encompass?" she asked.

"Me and my partner Ryan, she's a sister to us and we aren't going to take this lightly especially after what happened last year, and Castle sure as hell isn't going to take it lightly."

"I take it he's the most protective of all of you," she remarked.

Esposito gave a short nod, "He's not going to stand back and let her go through this alone, so if you think you're going to ambush her somewhere and get her by herself, forget it. He'll stick to her like glue, you don't stand a chance."

"I see," she replied.

"Do you?" he asked seriously.

Johanna nodded, "You have her back."

"We have her back, front, and both sides and if we find out that you're not who you say you are, well then you'll answer to us."

Johanna smiled then, a smile that Esposito recognized as similar to Kate's.

"It's good to know that she's been surrounded by people who care so much about her."

"Don't forget it," he replied, "Because we aren't going anywhere."

She nodded, "I've gotten the message Detective Esposito."

"Good," he answered as he pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, "I'd hate to have to have this talk with you again."

"Don't worry, I won't forget," she told him.

He escorted her all the way to the door of her hotel room and then handed her his card even though Gates had already given her one of her own.

"If you have any problems," he said as he placed it in her hand.

Johanna looked at the card and then slipped it in her pocket along with the one from Captain Gates. "Thank you."

He gave her a brief nod and then waited until she was inside the room before walking away.

* * *

When Ryan pulled up out front of Jim Beckett's house he thought of the slip of paper that Johanna had handed her husband.

"Mr. Beckett, may I see the slip of paper she wrote her phone number on?" he asked.

"Sure," he said as he fished it out of his pocket and handed it to him.

Ryan flipped the thin scrap of paper over and as he expected he found that it was a receipt. He pulled his small notebook from his pocket and jotted down the credit card number and the spelling of Meagan Stevens name and then just to be sure he had everything he could get from the scrap of paper, he flipped it over again and copied down the phone number before handing it back to Jim.

Jim smiled at him as he accepted the slip back and Ryan felt compelled to explain.

"It's…," he began to say but Kate's father cut him off.

"No need to explain, Ryan," he said, "I understand, you want to check into it on your own for Katie's sake and I don't blame you for that. In fact it's probably a good idea; she'll want to know everything she can."

Ryan nodded, "We want to make sure every angle is covered for her."

Jim gave a small smile, "I'm glad she has friends like all of you."

"She'd do it for us." Ryan stated.

"I don't doubt that."

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked as he watched the man take his keys from his pocket.

Jim looked at him, "I'll be fine, it's Katie that worries me most of all."

"Don't worry; Castle will take care of her."

"I know he will," Jim said before exiting the car and moving towards his home.

Ryan pulled away once he was inside the house and headed back for the precinct. He'd have to call Jenny and tell her that he'd be late tonight but she'd understand. He had to dig into Meagan Steven's background and see if things matched up.

* * *

Kate told Castle everything that Gates had told her as he drove her towards the loft. Her quiet tone unnerved him and he wished that he could make all of this go away for her. He listened intently without making comments, only asking questions if necessary. He kept taking quick glances at her, watching as she grew paler with each word she spoke as if it was all hitting her again.

Once they arrived and had gotten out of the car, he held onto her elbow and escorted her to the elevator. She was shaky and he didn't want to take a chance that she might be unsteady on her feet. It was quiet between them as the elevator rose until she finally turned to him and spoke.

"Castle," she said.

"Yeah?"

She took a shaky breath, "I need to be sick."

He willed the elevator to hurry as he moved his grip from her arm to her waist.

"Take a few deep breaths, Kate," he told her, "We're almost there."

She did as he suggested but it wasn't making her feel any better and he seemed to sense that as the doors slid open and he guided her out. He quickly unlocked the door of his apartment and swiftly led her through the loft and into his bathroom. He took her purse from her and quickly laid out a clean wash cloth and toothbrush for her before leaving her alone. He knew that she wouldn't want him hovering over her if she was going to be sick and he didn't want to make her feel humiliated at a time like this.

He moved back through the loft, dropping her purse on his desk before heading towards the kitchen where Martha was sitting at the counter. He hadn't noticed her presence when he had come in, his focus had been solely on Kate and her needs.

"Richard, what's going on?" she asked, "You went running out of here and now you're back and Kate's with you and she looks like she's seen a ghost."

He sighed, "In some ways she has."

Martha looked at him oddly, "What on earth does that mean?"

Castle sat down next to her, "You're not going to believe this, Mother."

"You'd be surprised at what I will or won't believe," she told him.

He cast a glance back towards the area where Kate was and then he turned his attention back to his mother and quickly and quietly explained the situation to her.

"Good god," Martha exclaimed, "That poor girl. No wonder she's so shaken."

He nodded, "Needless to say but she isn't taking it well."

"Well of course not," Martha replied, "No one would, especially someone who's been through as much as Kate has."

He nodded, "I've convinced her to stay with us tonight."

"Good, the last she needs is to be alone at a time like this." Martha answered, "She needs to be among people who care about her and that she trusts."

A thought occurred to him then that they hadn't stopped at her apartment and picked up anything for her. He quickly fished his phone from his pocket and sent a text to Lanie asking if she could go and collect a bag for Kate.

Lanie's reply came a moment later, "_What's going on?_" she asked.

"_It's a long story, I'll explain later or when you get here if you're going to get some things for her_," he wrote back.

"_I'll go over and pack her a bag as soon as my shift ends and I'll bring little Castle with me." _Lanie answered.

He thanked her and then raised his eyes as he heard Kate emerge from the area of the bedroom.

He moved in her direction but his Mother beat him too the punch as she reached her before he did and pulled her into her embrace.

"Don't worry, kiddo," he heard his mother say to her, "Everything will be alright."

"Thanks, Martha," she whispered as she returned the hug.

Martha released her but took her hand and led her to the table where Castle pulled out a chair for her.

"You okay?" he asked as she sat down.

She nodded, "Yeah, I feel a little better now," she told him.

It never ceased to amaze her how emptying ones stomach could be so calming on the nerves.

Castle studied her for a long moment and saw that some of the color was coming back to her cheeks and he relaxed slightly and dropped into the chair next to her.

"I'll make you some tea, dear," Martha told her as she patted her shoulder.

Kate gave her a small smile of gratitude and then she took a breath and tried to relax.

"I texted Lanie, she's going to bring you some clothes for tonight and tomorrow" Castle told her.

"Thanks, Castle," she replied softly, "Did you tell her what was going on?"

"No, I told her that we'd explain when she got here."

She said nothing in response, her mind still spinning in response to the blow that she had suffered. She sighed and crossed her arms on the table top and gave into the urge to put her head down. She felt the warmth of Castle's hand as it settled on her back, and she allowed herself to revel in the feel of the comforting motion of his fingers as they moved across her back.

* * *

Back at the precinct, Ryan ran the credit card number and through it he was able to gain more information on Meagan Stevens and he continued searching. So far everything was matching her story. Johanna Beckett had been 'murdered' in January of 1999 and Meagan Stevens' credit history didn't begin until mid March of the same year, which he found to be acceptable to the story. He had to take into account the time it would've taken to place her somewhere and to establish her with a new identity.

Her statement that she taught pre-law at a small university in Wyoming also panned out, she began teaching the semester that had began at the end of August of 1999 and he also found her name attached to various organizations of the school and in the community. He pulled her drivers license and made sure that the photo matched the image of the woman he had seen. It was a match. He printed out each document he found and began placing them in a folder that he would deliver to Beckett. He didn't know if it would help, or if it would convince her but at least he had done what he could.

* * *

Esposito walked into the morgue in search of Lanie so he could give her a response to her 'What the hell is going on, and I want to know now not later' text.

He found her, along with Alexis and both of them looked at him in anticipation.

"Well?" Lanie said, "What's going on with Beckett? Is she hurt?"

"No, she's not hurt and neither is anybody else," he said addressing that part of the statement to Castle's daughter.

"Why is she staying with Castle tonight?" Lanie asked.

"Are we alone?" he asked as he looked around the lab.

Both women nodded, "We're alone, now start talking," Lanie demanded.

So he told them the whole story and when he finished he looked at their stunned expressions and wondered if he and Ryan had looked the same way.

"How is that possible?" Alexis asked.

Esposito shrugged, "I don't know but Meagan Stevens is claiming that she is most definitely Johanna Beckett."

"How did she take it?" Lanie asked as she thought of her friend.

He looked at her, "How do you think she took it?"

"Not well," Lanie answered.

"Go beyond not well," Esposito replied.

"Why didn't someone call me?" Lanie asked.

"Probably because all anyone could think about was getting Castle there for her" he explained, "And apparently that's who she wanted too because when Gates asked her if there was someone she wanted that was who she named."

Lanie nodded, "Well that's understandable, they've been down this road with her mother's case together for awhile now; but in the future I'd like a phone call to be kept in the loop," she demanded, "I don't like being the last to know."

"Don't worry, next time someone who's supposed to be dead pops up, I'll make sure you're the first to know." Esposito told her.

She glared at him and he grinned at her.

"Don't even," she stated.

"Don't what?" he asked with a shrug, "Don't be so irresistible?"

"Believe me, I can resist you," she replied.

"We'll see," he added.

"Should I leave?" Alexis asked.

Lanie smiled as she looked at her, "No, he's leaving and then we are going to get ready and leave so we can go get Kate what she needs and then we'll head to your place."

"Do you need a police escort?" Esposito asked.

Lanie smirked, "No thanks."

"Alright, be that way," he said as he turned and left the room.

Lanie and Alexis laughed once he was out of sight and then they set about getting ready to leave for the evening.

* * *

An hour and a half later, Lanie bustled through the door of the loft, dropping Kate's bag in front of the closet, and Alexis trailed in behind her. She moved pass Castle with barely a word, making a beeline for her best friend who appeared in the vicinity of the living room.

Lanie wrapped her in a tight hug as soon as she reached her. "Javi, told me," she stated "I'm so sorry."

Kate returned the embrace and nodded stiffly once they separated. She then held an arm out to Alexis, who was hovering nearby and seemed to be waiting her turn to hug her too.

Castle joined them, ushering them all into the living room where they could sit down.

"How are you?" Lanie asked as she assessed her appearance.

Kate offered her a slight shrug, "I don't know. I'm a lot of things right now; I can't exactly pinpoint just one."

"Now that you've had some time to think about things," Lanie began, "Do you think that it's her?"

Kate shook her head, "I don't know what to believe, Lanie. The only thing I know for sure is that it's going to take more than a story and a resemblance to convince me. I want proof, undisputable proof, one way or the other."

"What about a DNA test?" Alexis asked, "That would settle everything."

Castle saw a glimmer of light flicker in her eyes as she looked at his daughter and smiled.

"Lanie, can you…," she began to say.

"I can do the test," she interrupted.

"When?"

"Tomorrow if you want."

Kate nodded as she looked to Castle who also nodded in agreement, "We'll have to find her," she stated.

"Javi knows where she is," Lanie replied, "Captain Gates made him take her back to her hotel."

Kate smiled again, "Okay, that's good. We'll do this tomorrow and it'll all be over."

"You have to give me a day to complete the test," Lanie gently reminded her.

Her face fell slightly, "It can't be done any faster?"

"Not if you want to make sure it's done right."

"Alright," Kate said as accepted Lanie's explanation, "Two days and it will be over."

'Unless she really is Johanna Beckett,' Castle thought to himself, because if the test came back in Johanna's favor then it was going to be far from over.

"You call me in the morning when you're ready and I'll call Javi and have him go pick up…our possible mama Beckett," Lanie told her.

Kate wrinkled her nose in distaste at the term but nodded her agreement.

Lanie hung around awhile longer, trying to lighten her friend's pensive mood but she could tell that Kate's heart wasn't in it so she took her leave, knowing that Kate was better off left in Castle's care and the strange private little world that the two of them occupied together.

Alexis eventually retreated upstairs with Martha and Kate remained settled on the sofa with Castle at her side. He was about to speak when a knock sounded at the door. He got up from his seat and went to answer it and found Ryan standing on the other side of the door.

"Is Beckett still with you?" he asked.

"Yeah, come on in," he answered as he caught sight of the file in Ryan's hand.

"Ryan's here," Castle announced as they entered the living room.

"Hey," he said as he stepped into Kate's viewpoint.

"Hey, Ryan," she replied, "Did my dad get home?"

"Yes, I drove him and I made sure he got in the house before I left," he assured her.

"Thanks."

"No problem, listen before we left the precinct your…," he trailed off, "I don't know what to call her."

"Anything but my mother," she replied firmly.

He nodded in understanding, "For now I'll call her Meagan," he replied, "Anyway, Meagan wrote down her phone number on the back of a receipt and gave it to your dad. He let me copy down the credit card number that was on it along with the phone number and I ran both of them and collected all of the information that I could find on Meagan Stevens," he told her as he handed her the file.

"She doesn't seem to exist before 1999. I don't know if that helps or not but everything's there for you to look at."

Kate smiled at him, "Thank you, Ryan. I appreciate it, I really do."

"Anything that we can do for you, you know we will," he told her.

"I know," she replied, "I didn't even think of this," she said as she held up the file that she now held.

"Don't feel bad," Castle said, "It took Alexis to come up with the solution of a DNA test."

"Is Lanie going to do it?" Ryan asked.

She nodded, "Tomorrow."

"Good, we'll get this straightened out," he stated before saying his goodbyes.

Kate carried the file to the dining room table and laid it down before turning to Castle.

"Do you have a copy of my mother's case file?"

"Yeah, you want it?" he asked.

She nodded slowly as she ran her fingers across the folder. He disappeared into his office for a few moments and then returned carrying his copy of the file with him. He dropped it beside the one that Ryan had brought and he took a seat as she continued to linger. He could tell that she wasn't ready to open either one. She wasn't ready to accept the possibility that this was all true and that the nightmare she was currently experiencing wasn't going to be ending any time soon.

"Maybe you should settle in for the night first," he suggested, "Lanie left your bag by the closet."

"Yeah," she said quietly, "I want to take a shower."

He followed her as she collected her bag and then he steered her towards his bathroom where he got her a clean towel and then retreated back to the table where the files laid, waiting for her to open them.

An hour later he was beginning to worry but she finally reappeared, dressed in black leggings and a purple tank top. She took her seat next to him and tapped her fingers against the folders once more. Still not ready, he thought so he offered her some more time.

"I'm going to get a shower and change clothes," he stated.

"I'll wait for you," she replied as she pushed away from the table again and moved back to the living room and switched on the TV.

Thirty minutes later they were back at the table once again and she slowly opened the folders and spread the documents out for them to read and examine. Ryan had been right, Meagan Stevens didn't have a credit history before March of 1999 and everything that she had told Gates was easily documented, from her place of residence to her occupation. They spent hours going over everything in Ryan's file and everything in Johanna's case file. By the time they both leaned back in their chairs Castle had a sinking feeling that Meagan Stevens just may be who she claimed.

It was late as they sat side by side, the array of papers still scattered around them but neither of them was studying them any longer. The logical side of her brain, the side that had been trained to gather the evidence and then follow it where it led could admit that the story was somewhat convincing, but Kate was far from being logical or rational right then. Tonight she wasn't a cop. Tonight she felt like she was a lost nineteen year old girl once again, tonight she was just a woman whose world was constantly being turned upside down the second she found her footing.

She rubbed her hands across her face and looked at her partner whose face still bore the look of concern.

"Do you think it's possible, Castle?" she asked, her tone a mere whisper.

"I don't know, Kate," he answered.

"Don't tell me the answer you think I want to hear," she remarked, "Tell me what you think. Tell me what Richard Castle would say if it was just some other case."

He sighed, ran a hand through his hair and then looked her in the eye, "I think it's possible."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because if you really think about it, it wouldn't be that hard to do," he told her.

"But this would've had to have been a very elaborate set-up, Castle," she replied, "Do you think that they could've done it back in 1999?"

"1999 wasn't the stone age, Kate," he answered.

"I know but things weren't as advanced then as they are now."

"That may be true in the sense of the average consumer but in regards to the government, the F.B.I. who knows how advanced their technology is before it's available to us."

She nodded in understanding of his theory but as her fingers grazed a crime scene photo she still wasn't convinced.

He seemed to read her mind, "Photo's can be easily made to look a certain way," he stated, "Tricks of photography have been around for a long time, even before computers and Photoshop."

Somewhere in her mind she knew that but she was still being stubborn in her disbelief and she didn't allow the knowledge to totally absorb into her way of thinking.

"And we know first hand how easy it is for reports to be tampered with or faked."

She felt emotion choking her again but she forced it down, "But I saw her body, Rick."

"Maybe they just made it seem as though you did."

"I saw it!" she stated firmly.

"Let me ask you something, did you view it in the room or the old fashioned way through a window? Back then they were probably still doing it both ways."

"I saw her through the window," she replied as the memory rolled through her brain.

"Easy enough to fool you then," he remarked, "They would've figured that you and your father were highly emotional, in shock. The right lighting and enough distance and a body that resembled her would've been enough to convince you."

She scoffed, "They just happened to have a body lying around that looked like my mother?"

"Who's to say that it was a real body?" he asked.

She stared at him, her mind struggling to comprehend it all. She couldn't form a response for his question because now she was in doubt. What if they had been fooled?

She couldn't accept that thought however and she continued on, "But that might not be the case at all. She might not be who she says."

"That's why we have Lanie doing a DNA test tomorrow. You get the results of that and you'll know for sure and then we can figure out how to proceed after that."

"Don't you have a guy in the F.B.I. that you could call and pick his brain about if this was possible in 1999 under the guise of research?" she asked.

He shook his head, "No."

"How can you not have a guy in the F.B.I.?" she asked, "You had a C.I.A guy."

He looked at her, "You know that in the past I always preferred the C.I.A. and their mysterious ways."

Kate sighed, "But still, you'd think you'd have a guy at the F.B.I., you have a guy for everything else."

"I'm sorry" he replied.

She smiled at him weakly, "It's okay."

"You had an F.B.I guy," he stated as thought struck him, "You could call him."

Kate scoffed, "I haven't seen or talked to him in years. I don't even know where he is and I doubt he'd tell me anything anyway."

He couldn't help the small smile that touched his lips at her declaration. "Then I guess that puts us back at zero for F.B.I. contacts."

"What about a woman?" Kate asked, "Any chance you followed a female F.B.I. agent in the name of research?"

He could hear the undertones of jealousy and the slight accusatory nature in her tone and knew she was thinking of Sofia Turner and the knowledge that she hadn't been his first muse.

"No," he stated, "The only female F.B.I. agent I ever met was Jordan Shaw."

She rolled her eyes and he took that as a good sign about her well being.

'Yes, I remember how very impressed you were with her and all of her fancy little toys."

He smiled at her, "It's cute how you're still jealous after all of this time."

"I wasn't jealous," she declared, "You were just…."

"Just what?"

"So fascinated," she all but spat and he couldn't help but feel slightly tickled about it.

"You're exaggerating," he replied.

Another eye roll followed as she gave a short laugh, "Yeah, right. If she had offered to let you shadow her, Nikki and I would've been out on the curb looking at the taillights of a fed-mobile as it drove away."

He laughed, "Oh my god, you have finally lost it."

"I have not!"

"You can't seriously believe that I would've accepted an offer like that if it had come along."

She looked at him, "You would. You would've thought it was way cooler than being with me. You would've got to play with all of the shiny gadgets."

"Jealousy, thy name is Kate Beckett," he stated.

"I'm not jealous!" she declared once more, "I'm just stating a fact."

"A fact that only exists in your mind," he replied, "Because I know that in my mind and my heart that that would've never happened."

She leveled him with a stare, "You wouldn't have been tempted by the smart boards and the special apps and whatever else they have?"

"If I want a shiny toy or a top of the line tech gadget I can go buy one," he remarked "And I wouldn't have to leave you or Nikki to do it."

She smiled then and her cheeks flushed in mild embarrassment that she had allowed that topic to carry on so far.

"What about your writer friends?" she asked as she switched back to the original topic "Any of them have a guy for research purposes?"

He shook his head, "No, not that I'm aware of."

She nodded in defeat, "Guess that's it then."

"Don't worry, we'll get all of the answers once the DNA test is done," he reminded her.

"Will we?" she asked, "Or will there just be more questions?"

"I can't answer that for you, Kate".

"I know, but it doesn't keep me from wishing that you could."

He looked at his watch, two-thirty it read. "It's late; you should try and get some rest."

Suddenly her emotions were brimming at the surface once again and she blinked rapidly trying to hold back the fresh batch of tears that desperately wanted to fall as he rose from his place next to her.

"Castle, I…," she started to say but she couldn't finish the statement. She didn't feel she had any right to ask him for more than he was already giving her, especially in the aftermath of their rough patch that she still didn't completely understand.

He studied her face as he waited for her to complete the statement but her mouth only opened and closed as her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. She didn't have to tell him what she needed, he knew and he held his hand out to her in response.

"Come on," he said quietly, "Let's go to bed and get some sleep."

She hesitated for a moment as if waiting for him to change his mind but when he only offered her a small smile she slipped her hand in his and allowed him to pull her from her seat. He led her into his room and then let go of her hand as he moved to the bed and pulled the covers back.

She held back and waited until he beckoned her to join him. She crawled into bed and curled up next to him when he opened his arms to her. He clicked off the night and adjusted his hold on her.

"You sure you're okay with this?" she asked, not wanting to make him feel as though he had to let her stay with him.

"Of course I am," he replied as he gave in to the urge to drop a kiss onto the top of her head, "If you're okay then I'm okay."

Her head moved against his chest in a nod of agreement and he felt the shudder move through her body as she gave into her emotions once more. He held her tightly, his hands moving across her back and arms in hopes of soothing her. He'd give her anything she needed, rather it be a sounding board or a shoulder to lean on; and if she needed someone to hold her through the night while she cried herself to sleep, well then, he was the man for the job; because loving her came before wounded pride. Eventually her cries ceased and the last of her tears seeped through the material of his tee-shirt as her breathing evened out and she slept at last.

He looked at the clock on the nightstand, three-thirty now. He released a breath and prayed that the morning would be better; that all of this would be figured out and that she'd find a way through it with his help, because the last thing either of them needed was for her wall to become re-enforced. He pressed another light kiss to the top of her head and then he allowed himself to drift off to sleep as well.

_Authors Note: The night isn't over yet, at the beginning of the upcoming chapter we'll check in with Johanna Beckett and see how she's faring with the decision that she's made._


	4. Chapter 4

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! Keep them coming, they motivate me .I hope you enjoy this one!_

Chapter 4 – Out From Under

'_I don't wanna feel the pain, what good would it do me now? I'll get it all figured out when I'm out from under' – Britney Spears_

Johanna was still wide awake, sitting with her back against the headboard of the bed in the soft blue glow of the television light as it played quietly, the noise of a late night talk show saving her from the silence of her hotel room. She was thankful for the background noise but she wasn't paying any attention to the program. She swiped at the tears that continued to fall and took a shuddering breath.

She hadn't expected the reaction that she had received. She had expected disbelief and confusion, she didn't begrudge those feelings. It was the anger that she hadn't anticipated, not her husband's and not her daughter's although Katie's reaction seemed to reach beyond anger. Katie had been positively outraged; she had gone as far as hiding herself away in bathroom just to avoid her. She'd be lying if she said that she hadn't been hurt by their reactions, because she had been hurt in ways that she hadn't even thought to imagine.

For the first time in thirteen years she had been in the same room with her husband and daughter and she hadn't even gotten to touch them. Johanna remembered how she had reached for Jim's hand and how he had pulled it away as if he were about to be burned and when she had approached Katie she had issued her demand to stay away from her before retreating into the protective circle of her friends.

Johanna then turned her thoughts to Richard Castle, the man that everyone wanted there for Kate's sake. She wondered what exactly his relationship was with her daughter, for it was clear that he was more than just an author and unofficial partner. She thought of how one phone call had him rushing to Kate's side, the protectiveness written in his body language as he went into the bathroom after her and then later when he led her away from her desk, whisking her away on her command.

Her phone rang, startling her and she picked it up and glanced at the unfamiliar number on the screen before answering.

"Hello," she said, hating that her voice most likely showcased the fact that she had been crying all evening.

"Johanna?" the voice asked.

"Jim?" she asked as recognition swam through her.

She heard him take a breath and she waited for him to speak again.

"Where are you?" he asked.

She told him the name of her hotel and the room number and then waited for his next response.

"I want to talk to you," he stated, "I want to talk to you in person."

"Come over," she replied quietly, "I'm up."

"I'll be there in a half hour," he told her before ending the call.

Johanna placed the phone on the nightstand and then got out of bed. She switched on the lights and picked up the crumpled tissues and threw them in wastebasket before padding into the bathroom to wash her face. She slipped on her robe and tied it and then busied herself with picking up the assortment of items from her suitcase that were scattered around as she waited.

He arrived a half hour later just as he said he would and she gave him a weary smile as she stepped back and let him into the room.

Jim could tell that she had been crying, not only from her voice when they spoke on the phone but from the redness and puffiness of her eyes.

"I'm sorry to come so late," he said as he took a seat in the chair that sat off to the side of the room.

Johanna shook her head, "It's alright, I don't mind. I wasn't sleeping anyway."

Jim stared at her long and hard as she perched on the edge of the bed and faced him. She was of course older now but the years had been kind to her and hadn't aged her the way grief and alcohol had aged him.

'Still beautiful,' he thought to himself, forgetting for a brief moment his reason for coming.

She said nothing, simply sat quietly and allowed him stare as she waited, her teeth biting into her bottom lip in nervousness.

'Katie's habit,' he mused, a trait she had inherited from her mother.

Jim turned his gaze away from her and swallowed the lump in his throat and set about what he had came to do.

"What was my mother's name?" he asked her.

The question caught her off guard, "What?" she asked as her brow furrowed in confusion.

"What was my mother's name?" he asked again.

It became clear to her then, he was going to question her in order to prove to himself that she was truly who she claimed to be.

"Elizabeth," she answered.

"What nickname did she hate?" he asked.

"Beth, she hated to be called Beth," Johanna replied.

"What did she wear to our wedding?"

"Black, she wanted to make sure you knew how much she disliked me."

"What date did we get married?" Jim asked.

"August 18," she replied.

"Katie's birth date?"

"November 17," she stated.

"Mine?"

"July 6th," she told him.

"Yours?"

"February 4th."

"How much did Katie weigh when she was born?" Jim asked.

"7 pounds, 6 ounces. She was 19 inches long, had a head full of brown hair and screamed her lungs out as she entered the world at 3:46 in the morning." Johanna supplied.

He smiled, so far she was answering everything just right.

"How did we meet?"

Her lips curved into a smile as she looked at him, "We worked for the same law firm," she answered and then she continued on before he could ask another question. "I was fresh out of law school and you, who had two years on me and thought that made you superior, thought that I was silly."

He couldn't help the soft laugh that escaped his lips because he had thought that she was somewhat silly when they first met but it had been one of the things that had endeared her to him early on.

"I had a crush on you right from the start," she went on, "I tried to impress you any chance I got."

Jim looked at her, "Do you remember the first time we danced?"

She nodded, "At an office party celebrating a big case that we won."

"What was the song?"

"Best of My Love by the Eagles," she replied, "I never wanted that song to end."

He nodded and swallowed hard as he remembered that moment of their past.

"I was wearing a rose colored dress," she continued, "It was also the night you kissed me for the first time."

He said nothing, allowing her to continue on her own without prompting.

"Two years later you finally admitted that you loved me in a jealousy induced rage."

"I wasn't jealous," he declared and she laughed.

"Yes, you were, it was just the way I planned it," she told him.

Jim smiled, "I always knew you set me up."

"If I had known that it was so easy to do I would've done it a year earlier," Johanna said as she smiled at him.

Silence fell between them for a long minute until finally she spoke.

"Did I pass the test?" she asked.

Jim nodded slowly as he tried to take it all in.

"You believe me now?" she asked quietly.

He looked down at his clasped hands for a moment and then he looked back at her and the hopefulness in her gaze.

"I believe you, but it doesn't make things better."

The light in her eyes dimmed slightly. "I know," she answered.

"It's not easy to accept, Johanna."

"I understand."

"Do you?" he asked, "Because I don't understand."

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she felt a fresh batch of tears prick her eyes.

"How could you do this without saying a word?" he asked.

"They said I couldn't tell you or Katie," she replied, "They said that if you knew the truth it wouldn't look authentic and that if there were doubts it could place the two of you in danger and I couldn't risk that."

He scoffed mildly, "You've never been one to follow orders, Johanna."

"I didn't feel like I had a choice."

"You could've told me anyway!" he exclaimed in anger, "How were you even able to look at us that morning knowing you weren't coming back?"

She swallowed hard, "You make it sound like it was so easy for me to do, but it wasn't," she answered, "Do you think that I didn't hate myself every second that morning knowing what I was doing to you and Katie? Do you think it didn't hurt me to know that I was never going to see you again? I hurt just as badly as you did."

"You think so?" he asked, "Because I don't think that's possible. You had the knowledge that you were alive and we didn't. You don't know what we went through. You don't know how I almost destroyed myself trying to drink away your memory, and how it took five years in a bottle and Katie walking away for me to let you go. You don't know how hard it was to look at her sometimes and see you in her face. You don't know how many nights I laid awake wishing that I had been with you that day, that I could've taken your place. You weren't there for those moments when I hated you for leaving us, and then hated myself for not being able to go on without you the way you would've wanted."

"You haven't had to watch the light fade from Katie's eyes; you haven't had to watch her struggle as she tried to deal with losing you. You didn't have to watch her chase this thing in hopes of justice for you. You didn't have to watch her take a bullet, I did! You didn't see her lying on ground, bleeding, you didn't see Rick looking like he had just lost his whole world as he begged her not to leave him. You didn't have to watch her cry after physical therapy and you didn't have to watch her punish herself by pushing everyone away. I had to do all of that, Johanna. I had to watch it. I've watched it for thirteen years."

The tears were streaming down her face once more and she struggled to swallow back the sobs so she could speak.

"How do you think I felt when I saw her picture flash across the TV screen? How do you think I felt when I heard from some newscaster that my child had been shot and was in critical condition? Do you think I didn't suffer? I wanted to die that night, Jim. I would've given anything to take her place. Do you think I haven't worried myself sick over her once I found out that she didn't go on to law school, that she had joined the police force instead? Do you think I wanted this? Do you think that there was a night that went by when I didn't wish that you were next to me? Do you think there was ever a day that went by when I didn't think of you or her? Do you think I've enjoyed hiding? Do you think that I stopped loving the two of you and that I just moved on with my life as if nothing had ever happened? Your pain might be worse than mine but don't sit there and act like I haven't hurt for the past thirteen years because I have. I've hurt and I've cried and I've worried and I wished a thousand times that I could go back and change things, that I had never taken that case, that I could come home and be with you. Do you know what it's like having to scour the internet for mentions of your family? That you have to pick up a book to have some basic insight into your daughter's life. Do you think that it was ever easy to think of the two of you having to go on without me?"

"Why now, Johanna?" he asked quietly, "Why come back now?"

"Because I couldn't take it anymore. I haven't been able to let go of the knowledge that she had been shot and that it was because of me. I had to come home and put an end to it. I couldn't live a lie anymore."

"And what did you expect to happen once you got here?" he asked.

She shrugged, "I guess I expected all of the things that didn't happen."

"Did you really think it was going to be so easy to do?"

"No, I didn't think that it would be easy, but I didn't think that it would be this hard either," she replied.

Jim took a breath before speaking once more, "I don't want you to think that I'm not glad that you're sitting here alive and well, Johanna, because I am thankful for that. I spent a lot of years wishing that it was all just some mistake and that I'd wake up and it would all be gone but you can't just come back after all of this time and think that it's all going to be okay after one conversation because it doesn't work that way. I think somewhere deep down inside you know that but you're pushing it away because you think you can make it work the way you want."

"I know that," she said firmly, "I know that it's going to be hard, but all I want is a chance. I want my family."

"It's going to take time."

"But will you give me a chance?" she asked, "Will you let me back in your life?"

He shook his head slightly, "We can't just pick up from where we left off, Jo."

"Meaning what?" she asked, "You don't want to try? You want me to go back to Wyoming? What?"

"I mean that in some ways we're going to have to start over," he told her.

"What about Katie?" she asked, "Do you think she'll talk to me after she cools down?"

Jim shook his head, "Katie is convinced that you're a fraud. She isn't going to be satisfied with answers to family trivia. She's going to want more."

"What more can I give?" she asked.

"I don't know but she'll think of something and if she doesn't, Rick will because he'll want her to have peace of mind over this."

"I'll do whatever it takes," she answered, "I'm not just going to walk away."

"I hope you mean that," he stated, "Because you're in for one hell of a fight with her."

She smiled then, "I've been known to put up a fight of my own on occasion."

"I don't think you realize what you're up against, Jo," Jim stated, "Katie isn't the girl you remember."

"We'll work it out," she told him, "I'll make her listen, I'll make her understand."

"It's not that easy," he replied.

"Have you talked to her tonight?" she asked.

He shook his head, "She sent a text around ten saying that she was staying with Rick and his family. I read between the lines and got the message that she wasn't in a talking mood so I let her alone…I don't know what to say to her right now, anyway."

"She probably wouldn't like that you're here," Johanna answered.

"Probably not."

"Why did you call, Jim? Why did you come?"

"Because I couldn't sleep without knowing for sure. I couldn't make my mind stop thinking about how my wife was possibly alive and well somewhere in this city. I had to know, I had to make sure you were really you."

She nodded in understanding, "I'm glad you came."

He took a breath as awkwardness set in once more and he looked at his watch. 2:30 it read.

"I should go," he told her, "We can talk tomorrow."

"You'll call?" she asked as he rose from his chair.

"I'll call."

She still hadn't gotten a chance to touch him and she craved the contact as she followed him to the door. She held her hand out to him as he turned to face her. He looked at her in confusion for a second.

"Please," she whispered as she reached for his hand.

He hesitated but then allowed his hand to grasp hers. His breath caught as her fingers gripped his and he saw the tears swimming in her eyes once more. He allowed her to hold his hand for a few moments and then he carefully pulled away.

"Goodnight, Johanna," he said quietly as he opened the door.

"Goodnight," she said softly as he walked away from her.

As she finally settled down for the night she still felt bruised but at least now she had a glimmer of hope and a reason to carry on in her quest to reclaim her life.

* * *

The next morning Castle pulled the covers more securely around Kate and then he quietly slipped from the room. The loft was quiet as he emerged from the bedroom, he had heard Alexis leave for school and his mother was either still in bed or she had slipped out without his notice. He rubbed a hand across his eyes as he moved towards the table where the papers about Johanna were still spread out. He sighed and sat down for a moment. Kate had slept fitfully, her dreams tormenting her until well after day had broken and he was glad that Gates had given her a couple of days off because she hadn't settled into a restful sleep until seven.

Castle began to gather up the papers and putting them back into their appropriate folders.

As a writer he could appreciate the twist in the story of Johanna Beckett, the breath of air that it blew into the plot making it fresh and ripe with potential, but as the man who stood beside Kate everyday for the past four years and witnessed the pain she carried and the struggles she dealt with, it was all hard to deal with. As the man who loved her, he worried, wanted to make all of this make sense for her, wanted to make it go away and close up the wound that had been ripped open again.

As his fingertips pulled the photos from the M.E. towards him, he couldn't help but be reminded of the awful thought that had occurred to him sometime in the early morning light as he chased away whatever demon that had been taunting Kate's dreams. If Meagan Stevens was Johanna then it changed the whole game. Johanna's reappearance could ultimately lead danger back to their doorsteps and how would they stop it? Castle tried to shake the thought away, Kate could still be right, Meagan could be a fraud…but the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach told him that she wasn't.

He focused on the face of the woman that they had assumed was Johanna as he studied the M.E.'s photos. There was something about it that wasn't quite right to him. He pulled forward the photos of Johanna that had been attached to the case file and studied the structure of her face and then returned his attention to the face in the medical examiner's photo. Maybe he was tired and seeing things, maybe he had just convinced himself that Meagan was Johanna, but the more he looked and compared the more he began to realize that the faces didn't exactly match. He looked toward the bedroom where Kate was asleep in his bed and briefly considered waking her and telling her, of making her look to see if she saw what he did but he didn't move. He couldn't, he didn't want to strike her with another blow. He'd have to wake her soon enough so that they could call Lanie and get the DNA test done. The test would settle things, he told himself. There was no reason to upset her further.

He woke her shortly before ten and tried to coax her into eating breakfast but she wouldn't budge.

"After the test," she told him, "I promise you can feed me afterwards."

He gave in because he knew he wasn't going to win.

"Coffee?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I don't want anything. I just want to go and get this done, Castle."

"Okay, Kate," he responded, "Let's go and ease your mind."

* * *

"Alright Lanie, lets do this," Kate said as she entered the lab with Castle at her side.

"We'll wait until she gets here," Lanie answered as she readied her supplies.

"I'd rather not," Kate replied, "I'd rather get my part done before she gets here."

"I know you would but we're going to do it my way," Lanie answered, "And I'll explain why I want you both here once she arrives. Now take a seat and try to relax."

She gave her friend a slight glare but she allowed Castle to lead her to a seat along the wall.

Lanie smiled at her, "I knew you'd see it my way."

Kate muttered something under her breath and Castle smiled.

"She didn't get much sleep," he supplied.

Lanie nodded, "I can tell."

Kate shot her a smirk, "Thanks Lanie."

"Didn't you give her any coffee?" the M.E. asked Castle.

"She didn't want any, she didn't want breakfast either."

"You didn't want coffee?" Lanie asked in disbelief, "Should I take your temperature?"

Kate couldn't help the small smile that touched her lips, "I just wanted to get down here and get this over with. I told Castle he could feed me afterwards."

"Hold her to that," Lanie said as she glanced at Castle.

"I intend to," he replied.

A few moments later Esposito walked through the door with Johanna close behind him.

"Take a seat," Lanie instructed as she gestured towards a seat on the opposite wall from Kate.

Johanna sat down as she was told but her eyes stayed glued on Kate, who was avoiding looking at her in every possible way.

"I know that in the case of one of you," Lanie stated, "That you would've liked this to have been done separately but Detective Esposito and I thought it best to have you both here at the same time so there could be no question about the authenticity of this test," she said before turning to Kate and addressing her specifically. "I want you to see me take the sample from her and label it so there is no doubt in your mind."

Kate nodded in understanding and then Lanie turned towards the woman claiming to be the mother of her friend.

"I'm extending that same courtesy to you, so that you know that the sample was taken from Kate; that nothing has been tampered with in an attempt to sway this in anyway."

"I understand," Johanna answered.

"Alright then, let's get this done," Lanie said as she opened a package and removed a cotton swab.

She moved towards Kate first and she grinned at her, "This isn't going to hurt but you can hold writer boy's hand if you want to."

Kate smiled slightly, "You're funny today, Lanie."

Lanie shrugged, "I was just offering you an opportunity for some hand holding."

"Yeah, Beckett, go ahead and make Castle's day. I'll even take a picture of it for him," Esposito teased.

"Can we just do this?" Kate asked, her tone light but serious. She appreciated their attempts at humor for her sake but she just wanted to be done.

"Castle, you better get that coffee into her soon, she's getting cranky," Lanie said, "Open your mouth, I have to swab the inside of your cheek."

"I know," Kate said before doing as Lanie asked.

Lanie completed the task and then sealed the sample in a plastic bag and labeled it before opening up another swab and approaching Johanna.

"Same drill," she said to her, "Except the part about holding Castle's hand, she wouldn't like that," Lanie stated.

Johanna offered a tentative smile, "I sensed that."

Lanie swabbed her cheek and then slipped the swab into its own bag and labeled it just as she had done with Kate's.

"Are we done?" Kate asked.

"We're done," Lanie stated.

"When will we know?" she asked her friend.

"Tomorrow, I'll call when I have the results and you can both come back."

"Great, let's go Castle," Kate said as she rose from her seat.

"Katie, wait," Johanna called, "Please talk to me, just for a few minutes."

Kate paused but she didn't look at her, "I don't have anything to say to you."

"Katie," Johanna said tiredly, her own sleepless night apparent in her voice.

Kate tensed and Castle laid his hand against her lower back as she finally turned her head in Johanna's direction.

"I'm not your Katie," she stated firmly before pushing through the doors and leaving the room.

She kept her stride brisk until she was outside of the building and then she paused on the sidewalk and allowed Castle to catch up with her.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he came to stand beside her.

"I'm fine," she answered, "I promised that I'd let you buy me something to eat so let's go, lets get away from here."

He knew that she really meant that she wanted to get away from the building before Johanna materialized and he gave in to her need to take flight by hailing a cab and taking her to Remy's.

* * *

Castle casually observed her as they sat at their table. She was picking at her food when normally she would've dived right in, and he knew that the bites she was taking were only for his benefit. He could see the anxiety building within her as she faced the stretch of hours that would lead up to the moment when she found out for sure if her mother was alive.

"Do you want to go back to the loft?" he asked as she drummed her fingers against the table top.

She was quiet for a moment before looking at him, "Can we just stay out?" she asked, "I need to be busy."

He nodded, "What do you want to do?"

"Anything," she answered, "Anything that will keep my mind occupied."

Castle paid for their meal and then followed her out onto the crowded streets of the city. If she wanted to be kept busy then he'd keep her busy. They browsed through numerous stores, they walked through the park, and they visited the museum. He took her to a movie and dinner and eventually they just wandered aimlessly through the streets of New York City before ending up at the Old Haunt. They carried their drinks to a table in the back corner of the bar and they sat quietly, saying nothing, her mind obviously finding its way back to the topic of her mother.

He wasn't sure if he had ever seen her so agitated, she was a bundle of nervous energy that she couldn't seem to rid herself of and he wished, not for the first time, that he could rewrite this scene for her.

"What if…," she began to say but she stopped and allowed her gaze to focus on the martini in front of her.

"What if, what?" he asked.

"What if it's true?" she whispered.

He didn't know the answer to that question anymore than she did and he struggled to find something to say that would be of use or comfort to her.

"If it's true," he began, "Then you'll just have to do whatever feels right to you."

She smiled at him sadly and then picked up her glass and took a long sip. "It's going to a long night again."

"Don't worry;" Castle answered as he smiled at her, "I'll be there with you."

"Thanks, Castle," she said softly.

"It's going to be okay," he told her as he reached for her fingers and gave them a light squeeze.

She nodded but neither of them believed that anything was going to be okay, at least not anytime soon.

* * *

Later that night she followed him into his room once again and curled up at his side. She didn't cry this time but she didn't rest easy either, and when Castle awoke the next morning, he was alone.

His gaze searched the bedroom for her and came up empty and the bathroom door was ajar so he knew that she wasn't there either. He reached for his phone intent on calling her when the smell of bacon and eggs wafting through the air hit him. Now that he was over his slight panic over discovering her gone he could hear the soft murmurings of her voice mingling with his mother's and Alexis.

Several minutes later he appeared in the kitchen, taking in the sight of her moving with ease in his kitchen, as she filled the plates with the food she had prepared.

"What's all of this?" he asked as he caught her eye.

"I just thought I'd make breakfast," she answered, "To thank you for letting me stay."

"You don't have to thank anyone, Kate," he told her, "You're always welcome here."

She smiled, her nervousness about the coming phone call shining through loud and clear.

"I was awake anyway," she stated as she handed him a plate that she had filled and then carried the two plates to the table for Martha and Alexis.

He watched as she poured orange juice into glasses and set them on the table before moving back into the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked her.

"I'm not hungry," she answered as she began wiping off the counter.

Martha rose from her seat and moved into the kitchen and took another plate from the cabinet and filled it with the leftover food and then gently took hold of Kate's elbow and forced her to follow her to the table.

"You're going to sit down and eat breakfast," Martha told her, "And I don't want to hear any argument about it."

Kate gave her a weak smile, "I'm really not hungry, Martha."

"Eat anyway," his mother instructed as she set the plate down and pulled out the chair next to hers.

Castle hid his smile behind his glass, he knew that if he had tried that Kate most likely would've fought him but she never seemed able to say no to his mother. He kept an eye trained on her as she tried to please his mother by eating a few bites of the breakfast she had prepared while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with Alexis about her last week of high school.

She was a mess and she knew it but she kept trying to carry on as if she weren't. It was one thing to fall apart in front of Castle but it was another to do it in front of Martha and Alexis; so she choked down a few bites of egg and a piece of bacon and nibbled at a piece of toast while her knee bounced nervously under the table. She thought that her nervous habit had gone unnoticed but then Martha's hand landed firmly on her knee, stopping her.

She caught the older woman's gaze and saw no judgment in her eyes, only concern and she offered her a weary smile in hopes to convince her that she wasn't going to lose her composure…at least not right then. After a few minutes Martha patted her knee and let go and Kate did her best to keep still.

Not long after, Alexis left for school and then Martha rose from her seat to gather her things and then headed off to her acting school after giving Kate a hug and telling her to hang in there. Castle began to help her clear the table but she took the plates from his hand.

"Let me do this, Castle," she stated quietly, "Please."

"Alright," he conceded sensing her need to be busy once more.

She was quiet as she washed the dishes and then cleaned up the rest of the kitchen.

"If the cop thing doesn't work out you can have a great career as a maid," Castle told her as he watched from his seat at the counter.

She laughed softly as she looked at him, "You just want to imagine me in a maid's outfit."

He grinned, "A French maid's outfit to be exact."

"Keep dreaming."

"You could be one for Halloween," he replied.

"And what will you be? The butler?" she asked.

"No," he answered, a teasing glint in his eye, "I'll be your boss."

"You wish."

"It could be fun," he answered.

"For who?" she asked.

"For both of us," he replied, "I can be a very kind and generous boss."

"I think I'll just stick to the job I have," she answered.

"I had a feeling you'd say that," Castle replied.

"You know me so well."

Silence fell and she began to pace, the minutes moving by so slowly that she wanted to scream. She kept checking her phone, making sure that it was on and that she hadn't missed any messages.

"Come on Lanie!" she exclaimed as glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing eleven.

"It shouldn't be much longer," Castle stated.

"I hope not."

Finally her phone rang and she answered before the second ring could sound.

"Do you have the results?" she asked before Lanie could say a word.

"I have them, come on down. Javi and Ryan are on their way to pick up our new friend."

"She's no friend of mine," Kate stated before adding, "We're on our way."

She spent the entire ride convincing herself that it was all going to be over now, that the test would come back that Meagan Stevens wasn't her mother and that she could then go on with her life. Castle's hand found its way into hers and she clung to it as if he were the only lifeline she had.

Halfway there she got a text from her father letting her know that he was coming too and she only briefly wondered who had contacted him and told him that the results were in because it hadn't been her. She had sent a text the night before letting him know that she had the test done but she had had little contact with him since this had all gone down out of fear that he'd try and convince her of something she didn't want to believe.

Several minutes later they were all gathered around a table as Lanie picked up a thin stack of papers that bore the results. Kate was on edge, her hands clenched at her sides and her stomach in knots. Castle stood next to her and Johanna was a short distance away looking confident as Jim shifted awkwardly at her side. Ryan and Esposito lingered behind the group, alert to the goings on and ready to do whatever needed to be done.

"Tell me, Lanie," Kate pleaded.

Lanie took a breath and then looked at her friend, "The results are 99.999 percent positive that she is your mother, Kate."

Johanna smiled in vindication while Kate's face held the look of utter devastation.

"Are you sure?" she asked quietly, not wanting to accept it.

"I checked and double checked;" Lanie answered "There's no way that she isn't who she says she is. 99.999 is as positive a match as you can get."

Kate sucked in a gulp of air willing her legs to keep from buckling and her stomach from turning. She was standing in the same room with her mother. The past thirteen years had been a lie. Her life was a lie. Anger and betrayal swam through her with a force that she hadn't thought possible. She turned away, covering her face with her hands as she absorbed the information.

The air was thick with tension, the silence almost deafening and she had force herself to breathe normally as she felt Castle shift into place behind her and lay a hand on her shoulder. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to throw herself in his arms and beg him to take her away from the nightmare her life was becoming but she couldn't, not with so many people looking on so for the moment she settled for the feel of his hand as it gently squeezed her shoulder as if to transfer a measure of his strength to her.

It was too much. It was all just too much to bear and process. She was going to crumble and suddenly she didn't care who was looking as she slowly turned and laid her head against his shoulder. His arms came around her, holding her firmly and steady. She was struggling with her emotions as her mother's voice rang out breaking the silence.

"Katie," she said softly, "Talk to me."

Castle felt her body stiffen and when she raised her head from its resting place he could see the hurt and anger glittering in her eyes.

"Talk to you?" she spat as she moved out of his arms, "We have nothing to discuss!"

"We have plenty of things to discuss," Johanna replied.

Kate shook her head, "I don't want to hear anything you have to say."

"But I proved that I'm your mother."

Kate laughed bitterly, "And you think that matters? You think I care? Did you think that it was going make everything alright and I was just going to drop at your feet? Did you think that we'd just walk out of here and go have dinner like we were supposed to that night and just act like you showed up thirteen years late?"

"Of course not!" Johanna cried, "But I want to explain. I want to try and make things better."

"I've heard your explanation; I don't need to hear anything else."

"Katie…," Jim began to say.

"No, dad," she said sharply, "She doesn't get to waltz back into my life after playing dead for over a decade and have everything be alright! What you do is your business but I'm not doing this!"

"I'm still your mother," she stated as tears gathered in her eyes.

Kate shook her head, "The mother that I had and loved is dead and as far as I'm concerned you can go back to wherever the hell you came from and stay there and you can keep on pretending that you don't have a daughter, because you don't anymore."

"You don't mean that," Johanna all but whispered.

"Oh believe me, I mean it," Kate said as she reached beneath the neckline of her shirt and grabbed hold of the thin chain that suddenly felt as though it weighed a ton. She gripped it and pulled, breaking the clasp in the process as she jerked it from her neck. She looked at the ring as it dangled from the broken chain and then she threw it on the table in front of Johanna.

She then turned and stormed out of the room, the doors swinging wildly behind her as Castle turned to follow her.

"Kate," he called as she punched the button for the elevator.

"I need to be alone for a few hours, Castle," she stated as she blinked back tears.

"Don't push me away now, Kate. You've let me be there for you don't stop now. We don't have to talk about it right now. Just let me be there."

She swallowed hard, "Just a few hours and then I'll call you."

His jaw tightened, "No, we had an agreement like that before and it didn't work out the way it was supposed to."

Kate looked at him, tears brimming in her green eyes, "I'm not pushing you away this time, Castle. I swear I'm not. I just need a little time to get myself together."

He studied her intently, searching for signs that she was lying. He didn't find any but he was going to make sure that she didn't run from him again.

"6:30, Kate," he stated firmly.

She looked at him in confusion, "6:30?"

"If I don't hear from you by 6:30 I'm coming after you. I have a key to your apartment and I will use it. I'm also not above having Ryan and Esposito help me track you down by any means necessary. Those are my terms."

She nodded, "Okay."

"You're okay with that?" he asked, just to be certain.

"Yes," she answered, "I'm not running from you."

"Alright," he stated, "6:30 is the deadline."

"I promise," she whispered as the doors of the elevator slid open.

He stepped back and allowed her to go.

He hoped that this time she'd keep her promise.

_Authors Note: We'll see if Kate keeps her promise in the next chapter and what she intends to do now that she knows the truth…she can't avoid Mama Beckett forever._


	5. Chapter 5

_Authors Note: Once again I thank you for your reviews! Keep them coming! I know one of you said not to take it easy on Johanna, and I just want to assure everyone that it's not going to be easy for her. Jim may be more willing to give her a chance than Kate, but it isn't going to be all smooth sailing between them either, and it's also going to take its toll on Kate's relationship with Jim. Johanna's reappearance has the potential to mess with a lot of dynamics, and I'm not taking it easy on them, and in the future there will eventually be conflict between Castle and Kate, but don't worry that's not coming anytime soon…at least that I know of right now;) Stay tuned and keep leaving those reviews, I love them._

Chapter 5 – Sorry

'_Please don't say forgive me, I've seen it all before and I can't take it anymore'-Madonna_

Castle stood in the hallway a moment longer and then retreated back into the lab where everyone was still gathered around, absorbing the news and replaying Kate's meltdown in their minds.

"Where is she?" Lanie asked when she met his eyes as he stepped back into the room.

"She needs some time alone," he answered. "She'll be in touch."

"We heard that before," Ryan muttered.

"It's different this time," Castle replied, "I gave her a deadline."

"You gave her orders?" Lanie questioned.

He nodded, "Yes and she's agreed to them so I'm hoping we won't have any issues."

"What happens if she misses the deadline?" Esposito asked.

"I go after her," he stated, his tone firm and full of resolve and his friends dropped the line of questioning with the thought that this deal between him and Beckett went deeper than he'd most likely admit to and that they'd allow them to work that out among themselves.

"Is she alright?" Jim asked.

Castle looked to him and then to Johanna who was staring down at the chain clutched in her hand.

"No," he answered, "and she's probably not going to be for a long time but she'll get through it just like she always does."

Johanna raised her gaze to his and then held out the broken necklace and the ring attached to it.

"Give it back to her," she said to Castle, her eyes full of anguish.

He stepped towards her but he didn't accept the necklace, instead he carefully closed her fingers over the chain.

"I can't do that," he answered.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because that ring has been a symbol to her," he explained, "Everyday she has put that chain around her neck to remind her of what she had lost, to keep you close to her. It's a symbol of why she does what she does; a symbol of the one person she hadn't been able to find justice for and now it's going to be a symbol of something entirely different and she isn't going to want it, she isn't going to want to look at it. Maybe one day you can give it back to her yourself, but that day isn't going to be anytime soon."

"It was never my intention to hurt her," she cried.

He gave a short nod, "That may be, but you have and she's not going to forgive that anytime soon."

"I love her," she stated and she didn't know why she felt it necessary to do so, maybe it was because of the look on his face, a look that was a mixture of understanding but also of anger and protectiveness on the behalf of someone he cared deeply about.

"I'm sure you do," Castle answered, "But that doesn't take her pain away. You haven't seen the things I've seen, Mrs. Beckett. You haven't watched her carry this around. You haven't had to look her in the eyes and see the hurt that always lingers around the edges of her soul. You can't just say you're sorry and make all of that go away."

"What am I supposed to do?" she asked him, "I want my daughter."

"You'll have to wait for her," he answered, "And even then you might not get what you want."

He saw the tears building in her eyes, eyes that were so like Kate's and he felt a measure of compassion for her but his loyalty laid with Kate and he wasn't going to assuage her feelings and make her believe that everything was going to be alright, because it wasn't going to be no matter what she thought or made herself believe. She didn't know Kate the way he did. He backed away, intent on leaving the scene behind.

"Where are you going?" Lanie asked.

"Home," he answered. "I'm going home and wait for her."

"Here," she said as she handed him a piece of paper, "It's her copy of the results, you can give them to her later."

He accepted the paper and folded it so it would slip into his pocket and then he murmured his goodbyes and left the room.

Lanie slid another copy of the results towards Johanna and she picked up the piece of paper that she had hoped would end the stand off and felt as though she were stuck in quicksand.

"We can take you back to your hotel," Esposito offered.

Johanna shook her head, "No, thank you, I'll get back on my own."

They nodded at her and she felt as though they were relieved. Their loyalty lay with her daughter and they would rally around her and she wouldn't ask them to dishonor those feelings on her behalf.

"Come on," Jim said quietly, "I'll go back with you."

Jim hailed them a cab and as she sat in the back with him all she could think of was the mess she had made and the necklace she held tightly in her hand. She thought of how the chain had still held the warmth of Kate's skin when she had first picked it up and how Rick Castle had said her ring had been a symbol to her daughter. She opened her hand and looked at the broken chain as it lay in her palm. That chain was now a symbol to her, a symbol of the bond between mother and child and how it was broken. The necklace wouldn't be easy to fix and neither would her relationship with Kate.

"You'll have to give her time," Jim stated as if he had read her mind.

"How much time?" she asked.

"As much as it takes."

"I'm not giving up on her. I'm not going to just walk away," she stated firmly.

"Give her a few days to cool off," he told her, "Maybe then you can call her, maybe she'd do better speaking to you on the phone at first."

Phone calls weren't what she wanted. She wanted face to face conversations, she wanted to be able to reach out and touch. She wanted to be able to look at her. She'd give her a few days but then she was diving in. She'd have the necklace repaired and she'd repair things with Kate. She had the determination to do both and she was going to see it through. She would make things work, she had too, because if she didn't than she was a failure and failure was something she couldn't accept.

* * *

Kate went home to her empty apartment and locked herself inside. She dropped her purse on the stand by the door, along with her keys and then she marched to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and poured herself a shot. She downed it, and managed not to cringe as it burned sliding down her throat. She sat the glass down, recapped the bottle and put it away. She wasn't going to drown her sorrows in alcohol, she didn't need to, and in all honesty she didn't want to. Her mind was foggy enough without overindulging.

She moved into her bedroom and removed her phone from her pocket and laid it on the nightstand before she closed blinds and drew the curtains shut. She didn't want to see the sunshine right now; it seemed to out of place when she was feeling so dark inside. She stripped off her blouse and jeans and dropped a thin tee-shirt over her head and then climbed into her bed despite the fact that it was early afternoon.

As Kate curled up beneath the covers, she squeezed her eyes shut in a feeble attempt to keep the tears from falling but they rebelled against her and slipped from the corners of her eyes and dropped onto her cheeks and pillow. It hurt so badly. The hurt that she had felt when she had been fooled into believing her mother was dead was nothing compared to the pain ripping through her now that she had the knowledge that she was alive.

Thirteen years of grief, of crying over what she now knew was an empty grave. Thirteen years of building up a wall to protect herself from feeling that kind of pain again, and for what? For a lie? She had been chasing justice for someone who didn't require it, she had taken a bullet for a cause that had no purpose and now Johanna Beckett thought she could just come home and pick up her life as if she had been on some extended vacation.

Her body was wracked with uncontrollable sobs and there was nothing she could do but let it run its course. How was she supposed to deal with this? How was she supposed to accept her when all she could think about in that moment was how much she hated her? She just had to show up now, just when she was ready to let go and move on. She just had to come along and rip her life apart all over again. It just wasn't fair.

The hurt and anger and the stirrings of hate combined to make her doubt everything she had ever known about her mother. How many other lies had she told her? How many other secrets did she have? Was she even still the same person?

Kate felt like there was a hole in her heart the size of a fist in the spot that had held her feelings for her mother. They had always had a strong, deep bond and through her childhood, Kate had never doubted that she was loved. Even in her teenage years when it sometimes felt as though Johanna Beckett was the enemy she had still known that she was loved, and she had loved her and now those feelings felt tainted and toxic. The knowledge that she had carried all of her life that she was loved by her mother suddenly felt shattered because there was no way her mother could've hurt her this way if she had really loved her.

She couldn't stop crying, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't stop the hurt and the anguish. She couldn't do this, she didn't want to do this and it was wrong for her mother to put her in this position, especially now after so much time had passed and so many wounds had been carved into her soul along with the scars that marred her body. She sucked in a breath of air as she tried to calm herself. Damn Johanna Beckett and her lies and her pleas to listen. She wasn't going to listen, not now and not ever. She didn't want to hear her stories of what had happened and what she had spent the last thirteen years doing with her life. If she wanted a story she'd call Castle, he'd tell her one and she could guarantee that it would have a happier ending than any tale Johanna could spin. God, she couldn't even bear to think of her as her mother.

She didn't want to hear 'I'm sorry' and the 'Please forgive me's' she didn't want to hear anything but the sound of a plane taking off with her so called mother on board. She wasn't even sure that she had any forgiveness to offer her even if she were inclined to do so.

Her chaotic mind turned to her father and she remembered the look on his face as he had stood next to Johanna in the lab. She could tell from the look he wore and the way he acted that he was going to take her back. After every damn thing she had put _him _through, after everything she had put _them_ through and he was going to give her the time of day. It felt like a betrayal. How could he stand next to her? How could he just overlook the hell they had gone through? How could he?

She had a feeling that he had been in contact with her during the time frame of the DNA test and the results that had been read earlier that day because he had sent her a text telling her he was coming and she hadn't even contacted him, and then there was the fact that they had arrived almost simultaneously. She wasn't stupid; she knew what was going on. She had told him that he could do what he wanted and that was true; it wasn't as if she had any power to stop him but as his daughter she felt that she might be owed some sense of loyalty.

Kate rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes in an attempt to clear away the wetness of her tears. If her father wanted to be the forgiving one then so be it, she didn't have to be apart of it and he'd just have to accept that the same way she'd have to accept his decisions. As far as Johanna went, well she was alive, good for her but as far as Kate was concerned she didn't have a mother anymore. It was over, she was done.

Exhaustion was overwhelming her and she set her alarm to wake her in time to meet her deadline. Castle was what was important to her. She could move on, she could work on fixing things with Castle and live her life. The chain between her and her mother and the unresolved case could be easily broken now, or so she tried to convince herself as she drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later she was awake and her mind, although settled was filled with thoughts of doubts and concerns and indecision. Maybe once she spoke her thoughts out loud she'd feel better and resolved. She climbed out of bed, washed her face and got dressed and then she picked up her phone and purse and headed out the door.

* * *

At 6:26 with no word from Kate, Castle grabbed his keys and shoved his phone in his pocket.

"Going after her?" Martha asked.

He nodded, "She said I could."

"If she wants to hide badly enough, she'll find a way," Martha replied.

"And then I will find a way to find her, because I'm going to break her of this habit," he replied sternly as made his way to the door.

He stepped into the hallway and walked towards the elevator and pushed the button. He checked his watch once more while he waited. 6:29. He felt the stirrings of anger and frustration. She had lied to him…again.

The doors of the elevator slid open and he found himself face to face with Beckett.

"You going somewhere?" she asked as she stepped into the hallway.

"I was coming to find you," he replied, his tone tinged with the anger he had felt.

"I thought I'd save you a trip," she replied quietly.

He stared at her for a long minute and she tried not to squirm under his gaze.

"I thought maybe you weren't going to uphold your end of the deal," he said to her.

Kate shook her head, "I have no desire to run from you, Castle."

The statement seemed to make him shake away the gray cloud that had been hovering over him and he gave her a smile.

"That's good to know."

She returned his smile and shifted on her feet. Every so often things were still weird between them and she hated it. She had to say something to let him know that she wasn't going anywhere.

"I would like to run away," she admitted, "but I'd ask you to come along with me if I were going to."

His smile widened and his eyes softened; she had said the right thing and that knowledge allowed her own smile to spread across her face.

"Why Detective Beckett, are you saying you want to run away with me?" he teased.

"It looks that way," she replied, "besides I have to have someone help me carry my suitcases."

He laughed, "So you just want me along as a slave."

"That's not the only thing," she told him, "There's entertainment value in having you along."

"I see, you just want my muscle and my humor," he said with a laugh.

'_I just want you'_ she thought to herself but she couldn't say that just yet, so she smiled and replied, "You should be flattered."

"I am," he replied, his eyes sparkling merrily, "Tell me, where would we go if we were running away together?"

She thought for a moment, "I hear the Caribbean is nice."

"A tropical destination," he said in surprise, "I had you pegged for the European getaway."

She laughed softly, "We could always go to Europe when the Caribbean gets boring."

He was too fascinated with the direction of this conversation to care that they were still standing in the middle of the hallway. She seemed to be enjoying the conversation as much as he was and if it soothed her troubled mind then they'd continue on and leave the hard stuff for later.

"And when Europe no longer amuses us?" he asked.

There was a sparkle in her eye as she came up with a new answer, "Well I have always wanted to go to Argentina."

"Argentina?" he asked, "Why there?"

She shrugged, "I've saw some travel programs about it, it seems like an interesting place, lots of culture and the tango, and from what I've read plenty of sunshine."

Castle grinned then as a thought struck him "If we were to go there would you stand on a balcony and sing 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina'?"

Kate laughed as she pictured it. "Maybe if you got me really drunk."

He nodded, "I just want you to know that I'm storing this information away for future reference."

"You always do, Castle."

They grew quiet and he could see the strain in her features now that their conversation was no longer diverting her attention.

"Come on, let's go inside," he said as he gestured for her to follow him to his door. "Have you eaten?" he asked.

"No, but I'm…."

"Not hungry," he finished for her as he unlocked the door.

"You say it like it's a crime," she told him as she followed him inside.

He shot her a glance, "Someone has to take care of you."

She smiled softly, "You do a good job."

"Then I assume that means you'll humor me and eat dinner if I order something," he responded.

"I'll try."

"That's all I ask."

"Found her already?" Martha asked as she came into view.

"She was on the elevator," he admitted sheepishly.

Martha gave a wry smile before embracing Kate. "Lucky for you," she whispered in her ear.

"I know," she answered.

They didn't speak of the situation at hand as they waited for their food to be delivered, nor did they speak of it as they ate. They talked of the new book, of Alexis and her fast approaching graduation. They spoke of Martha's plans for the summer, they talked about things that didn't matter, things that meant nothing to either one of them but it was what she needed because she hadn't been ready to jump right into the conversation that they both knew was going to come up eventually.

Castle waited patiently, not pushing or prodding, simply waiting for her to take up the topic on her own accord. He saw the weariness in her features, the puffiness around her eyes and he knew how she had spent her afternoon alone. He'd wait until she was ready, and while he waited he'd allow himself the luxury of feeling so happy that she had kept her word. She had come back to him just as she said she would, and at the time specified. That was a step in the right direction for them he thought to himself as they settled down on his sofa and turned their attention to the television.

It was quiet between them and he knew that her thoughts were catching up with her as she sat by his side. He always knew when her mind was troubling her, knew her nervous gestures and her fidgeting and he knew that the moment was coming, she was getting ready to spill her thoughts and he was ready to listen and react as need be.

"I should be happy, Castle," she whispered as she stared at the screen of the television. "But all I feel is anger and hurt. I feel so betrayed. I feel everything but what I should be feeling."

"It's alright to feel that way, Kate," he replied, "It's going to take time."

"All of these years of wishing to have her back, to be able to talk to her one more time, and now she's here and I don't even want to look at her."

"No one expects you to accept this easily," Castle told her, "It's a lot to absorb."

"She did," Kate replied.

"On the surface it appears that way, but I think somewhere deep down inside she probably knew all along that it was going to end up this way."

"I don't know about that," she answered, "She seems to think that she can wave a magic wand and make everything okay."

"She knows you're hurting," he told her.

She swallowed hard and looked at him, "I don't know what to do, Rick. I feel like the whole world has been turned upside down and I'm just dangling by a thread that's in danger of unraveling."

"Hey," he said softly, "You're not in this alone."

Her hand moved from her lap and covered his, "I know," she answered as she looked him in the eye, hoping he could read the feelings of her heart in the depths of her gaze.

He seemed to understand as he reached out and brushed away a stray tear that she hadn't realized had fallen. His fingers lingered against her cheek, a silent acknowledgement of all the things they couldn't say tonight.

Her breath felt caught in her throat as their eyes remained locked on each other, and she found herself wishing that he would kiss her because she would allow him to but he held back and she knew it was probably in fear that she'd leave or that she'd be angry so she allowed the moment to pass without a move from either of them because she wasn't feeling brave tonight.

She kept hold of his hand but she dropped her gaze and his fingertips fell away from her cheek and their thoughts returned to the subject at hand.

"What am I supposed to do now?" she asked him.

"What do you want to do?" he asked her.

She ran her free hand through her tousled hair, "I can't just act like the past thirteen years didn't happen."

"No, you can't," he agreed, "It's a part of your story and it can't be changed."

"I've hurt for so long over this."

"I know."

"And this sudden reappearance of her and this story about witness protection and how she hid for all of this time and now she can't take it anymore and she thinks she can just come home like it's no big deal. It's like being punched in the stomach over and over again."

"From what you told me that Gates told you, it seems like guilt is what drove her decision to come back now. She blames herself for your shooting."

"I took a bullet over something that didn't even happen," she said with a shake of her head.

"She has to live with that knowledge," he replied.

He had hoped for a brief moment that the mention of her shooting would lead her to open up to him and confess her own lie but she said nothing and he swallowed his disappointment. Now wasn't the time for that conversation anyway. She had enough on her mind and he wouldn't add to it by picking at yet another wound.

"Worst of all," she spoke, "Is that fact that there is the very real possibility that I'll have to go through all of this again."

Apparently she had thought of the same thing he had but he played along, acting as if he hadn't so she could get everything out in the open.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

She looked at him gravely, "They're going to find out that she's alive, Castle. They'll come for her."

"Maybe not," he answered in an attempt to convince both of them that there was a way it could play out differently, "She has a new identity, how will they find out?"

"How did they know that Raglan was meeting with us that day?" she asked.

"We never found out."

"They were watching him," she replied, "They had to be, and every so often I think about how they're most likely out there somewhere watching me, waiting to make their next move and eventually they'll figure it out because I don't think she's going to go away anytime soon. They'll kill her, Castle, and this time they'll make sure it goes down the way it's supposed to."

"Then maybe you should tell her that; maybe that will make her go back to Wyoming."

She shook her head, "She's not going to go, she knows the danger that she's in by exposing herself, if I tell her to go for her own safety it's just going to make her all the more determined to stay."

"What makes you think that?" he asked.

"She'll think that I'm trying to protect her, she'll think my personal feelings are involved and she'll stay thinking she has a foothold for getting back into my life."

"You mean that she'll take your precaution for her safety as a sign of affection on your part," he answered.

"Exactly," she replied, "and that just isn't true, there is no affection for her now."

He didn't believe that the love she had for her mother could be turned off so easily and in such a short amount of time. She was simply shoving it down inside of her, locking it away behind anger and hurt but he didn't blame her for that and he wouldn't call her out on it either.

"But there is still the fact that regardless of her safety or lack there of, she's still going to try and find a way to be in your life."

She looked at him and there was something in her gaze that made him take notice and intensely focused on whatever her next statement was going to be.

"You're the only person who's ever been able to scale the wall, Castle. She doesn't stand a chance. She isn't tall enough…and she's afraid of heights."

It was a powerful statement and its force hit him squarely in the heart. The disappointment he had felt earlier was washed away and he felt the love he had for her sweep through him. He was the only one who got in, the only one she allowed in and that had to mean something even if she wasn't ready to say it.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked once he found his voice.

"Ignore her."

"Do you think it's that simple?" he asked.

"No, nothing in my life is that simple but it's all I got right now."

"What about your dad?" he asked.

"What about him?"

"I think he's going to want to have her back in his life," Castle stated.

"I know," she answered.

"Won't that derail your plan?"

"It's like I told him, Castle, what he does is up to him but I'm not doing it and if that means that she's in his life then I'll respect that and he'll have to respect me and my wishes not to be involved with her."

"That could make for difficult holidays," he replied.

She smiled slightly, "I'll visit you on the holidays."

He grinned, "We'd love to have you join us."

"Thanks," she said before sighing deeply.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Everything," she told him, "Every time I'm ready to walk away and leave it behind something jumps up and slaps me back down into it and I just can't do it anymore, Rick."

"You don't have to. She's alive, case closed."

She nodded and her teeth sunk into her bottom lip, "Until it isn't," she said after a long pause.

"Kate, I know that you said you didn't know what to do but I think you've already made your decision."

"I guess I have," she answered. "I can't go through this again and I can't just forgive her so the best thing I can do is just to let it go like I was working on. I have some measure of closure now and I can walk away."

"You sure?" he asked, "I understand that you don't want her now but what about the future? Are you walking away for good or just for now?"

"For good," she answered, "I can't imagine letting her back into my life. How could I trust her?"

"But are you prepared to fight her?" he asked, "Because you already said that she isn't going to go away, at least not anytime soon."

"I can fight her," she replied, "And I'll win."

He squeezed her hand and drew her attention to his face, "I don't want to sound like a broken record by asking you a hundred times if you're sure about this, but I want you to really think about it, about more then just this moment here and the hurt that you're feeling. I'm asking you to do that because I want what's best for you; I want you to be happy. I don't want you to have regrets and I hope you don't take that as me trying to push you at her or trying to talk you into having a relationship with her."

"I understand, Castle," she said quietly, "And all I can say right now is that I don't want anything to do with her. Maybe one day a long time from now that will change but I can't do this now. I can't accept it and I can't deal with it and once she sees that I'm sure she'll give up and either go back to Wyoming or be content with whatever she can reclaim with dad if he's so inclined to take her back."

"Okay," he answered, "I'll support you in your decision now and any decision you make about this topic in the future."

"Thank you," she whispered, "That means a lot to me."

"It's what we do," he told her.

Kate smiled softly, "We're going back to work tomorrow."

"You sure?" he asked, "I think Gates would understand if you need another day or two."

"I'm sure," she answered, "I need to go back to work and get back into my routine. I think that's best."

"Then we'll go back to work," he agreed.

She laughed quietly, "You're so agreeable tonight, Castle."

He laughed, "Don't worry; I'm sure that will change before the week is out."

"Yeah, probably the first case we catch. You'll be certain that it was aliens and I'll have to pop your bubble by finding a human killer."

"You're so good at bubble popping, Beckett," he replied, "I think you may have made it into an art form."

"You wouldn't have it any other way," she teased.

"I don't know about that," he remarked, "I can think of a few things that would be better off not popped."

"I'm not going to ask what those things are."

"Pop!" he stated and she giggled; the darkness that had surrounded her lifting and he felt so glad that he was the one that could do that for her.

Silence fell between them and she shifted in her seat.

"I better get my stuff and go," she stated softly as she stood and moved in the direction his bedroom where her bag still rested on the floor.

She gathered up her belongings and shoved them into the bag all the while wishing that she didn't have to go back home tonight. She'd made her choices and she felt no regrets but it had been a hard day and she didn't want to be alone tonight.

"Hey," he said softly, startling her as he stepped into the room with her. "You could stay if you want."

It was what she wanted but she wasn't sure if it was right. "I'll have to get ready for work," she replied, her tone unconvincing even to her own ears.

"You can set the alarm so you can get up early enough to get home and get ready," he replied, providing her with an excuse. "It's been a long day," he went on, "You could stay and start fresh tomorrow."

'Tomorrow,' she thought, tomorrow she could pick up the pieces and put her life back together; but tonight she could stay here in the safety of his home and wrap herself in his warmth. She could allow herself to accept the comfort that her friend and partner was offering to her. She could allow herself the luxury of falling asleep with the man she loved.

"You don't mind?" she asked quietly.

He stepped into her line of sight and gently pulled the bag from her hand. "You know that I don't mind. I'd rather you be here than home alone."

She nodded and he set her bag on the bed so she could retrieve her pajamas and settle in for the night.

He left her alone in his room so she could change and she breathed a small sigh of relief. She'd give herself tonight to get over this and then tomorrow she'd start fresh just as Castle had said.

_Authors Note: Next chapter is going to pick up about two weeks following this one…we'll see how Kate is faring and how well she's doing at avoiding her very determined Mama. _


	6. Chapter 6

_Authors Note: As always thanks for your reviews, comments, and following this story! I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

Chapter 6 – Not Ready To Make Nice

'_I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell' –The Dixie Chicks_

Three and a half weeks after Johanna's re-appearance, Kate sat at her desk and methodically filled out her paperwork. Returning to work the day after the test results had provided her with an escape from the overwhelming thoughts that had ran through her brain in the aftermath of this new upheaval of her life. At work she was able to shut it off and work her cases with Castle and the boys as if nothing were remiss in her world, nothing had changed in that respect except perhaps for the deliberate silence about the topic of her mother and the looks that she sometimes saw Ryan, Esposito and even Lanie giving her at times. There were moments when it seemed as though the three of them were waiting for something, like her self implosion or a return appearance from Johanna to set her off again. She didn't like that they worried about her but she stayed silent on the topic for fear that bringing it up may open up a line of conversation that she didn't wish to have so she allowed those small moments to pass by without comment.

Castle, however didn't quietly watch her like the others did, he didn't have to. He was there for her through it all, he was her rock, offering her his support and an ear for listening whenever she wanted to talk about it, and surprisingly, maybe to both of them, she found herself confiding in him on an almost daily basis about the topic of her mother who had made it her mission in life to reconnect with her.

Kate sighed as she signed the paper she was working on. Her job provided distraction but outside of work the story was entirely different. Johanna Beckett was diligent in her attempts to establish contact. The first call had come in three days after the results had been read and she continued to call each day since, either from her own number or sometimes from Jim's which only served to fuel Kate's anger. She was standing her ground however, allowing the calls from the number she now knew was Johanna's to go straight to voice mail, and texting her father before she responded to any calls that came from his number.

She cast a glance at her phone as it lay off to the side of her desk and she didn't need to pick it up to know that it would say 'one new message'. There was a message everyday, each one similar to the one before only spoken in different tones of voice as if her mother hoped that the right one would get through to her. The woman was tenacious, she'd give her that but thanks to genetics so was she and she had no doubt that she could outlast this battle of wills with her mother.

The stack of papers that she completed were pushed to the side and she pulled the next batch forward, smiling softly as she cast a glance at the empty chair next to her desk. Her partner had skipped out on her as soon as their case had been closed and the paperwork rolled out. She missed his company but knew that she would be seeing him after work as they had planned. This situation that had been thrust upon her had brought a new sense of closeness between them and had brought new strength to their bond, one she hoped to cultivate and grow. They had developed a new routine, one that had begun the day Johanna had rang her phone for the first time and she had hung up on her. Castle had taken her to the Old Haunt for a drink so she could vent her frustrations, it had been crowded that night and they had retreated to the quiet of his office.

There was something about his office at the bar that made it easy for her to talk; perhaps it was the level of privacy that it afforded them or the fact that interruptions were rare. Maybe it was just because it was the two of them alone and they could talk freely without worry of being overheard or seen, or maybe it was the fact that if she spilled her troubles to him in the comfort of his office she didn't have to carry them home with her and allow them to plague her during the night. She wasn't sure what it was and she didn't care, she was just glad that they had created a safe haven for her to unburden herself and they retreated there for an hour or two everyday, work and personal lives permitting, and she would give him the latest updates and play the most recent message for him to hear.

Kate shook away her thoughts and forced her attention back to her papers. She had to get done if she wanted to be able to meet him at the time they had specified, and there was nothing she wanted more. She looked forward to the time she spent shut away with him, not only for the peace of her mind but because it felt as though it was bringing them closer together.

* * *

As Johanna sat across the table from her husband at the small diner they were having lunch at, she couldn't help but keep looking at him. It had been so long since she had been afforded the luxury of sharing a meal with him and even though this was the third time they had gone to lunch together she still couldn't quite get over the sensation of being so close to him once more.

It wasn't easy of course, there were moments of prolonged silence and awkwardness at times but at least he was there. At least he kept coming back to her, rather it be through a phone call or visiting her at her hotel. At least he wanted to try and make an effort to allow her back into his life.

It did feel as though they were walking on eggshells around each other in some respects, she thought to herself as she forced herself to look away from him and concentrate on her lunch. It seemed like they had some sort of unspoken agreement not to dip too far into heavy topics, and they only briefly had discussed the situation that had landed her in Wyoming with a new identity and their conversation about his battle with alcohol had also been kept to a minimum. They carefully tiptoed around each other with questions about her life in Wyoming and the life he had been forced to carry on without her.

They spoke mainly of the past, and of things that had occurred more recently, like his retirement a year before and they spoke of Kate and her stubbornness although they seemed to avoid the topic of her shooting. It was like they had to begin all over again but it was better than nothing, it was better than not being with him at all and sometimes when they managed to find a good vein of conversation they could slip into their old ways and carry on as if they hadn't been separated for so long.

It was those other moments however that bothered her. Those moments of awkwardness and fear of treading across some unspoken boundary that stuck her like tiny shards of broken glass imbedded in the skin and she'd give anything to make those moments go away but at least he was there, and beggars couldn't be choosers so she'd take whatever she could get and be happy with it.

"I tried to get Katie to come today," he announced, breaking her train of thought and bringing her gaze back to his face.

"I assume from her absence that she said no," she replied with a sad smile.

He gave a small smile of his own, "Actually the term she used was, 'hell no,' if you want the truth."

"It doesn't surprise me a bit," Johanna answered.

"Katie's stubborn," he admitted.

"She always has been."

He gave a short laugh, "I think it just gets worse the older she gets."

She smiled at him, "I'm waiting for the inevitable remark that she gets that from me."

"Oh I figure you already know that," Jim replied, "Given the fact that you've gotten nowhere with your daily phone calls."

She sighed as she nodded in agreement, "Is she still screening your calls?"

"Yes, she won't answer until she sends a text to confirm that it's me who's calling."

"I'm sorry, Jim," she stated sincerely, "I shouldn't have used your phone to call her those few times. I don't want to come between you and Katie."

"It's alright," he replied, "I have a feeling she'd be mad at me anyway."

"Because you talk to me?" she asked.

Jim nodded, "She doesn't say much about it, other than I can do what I want, but her disapproval comes through loud and clear."

"I'm sorry," she said once again, "I honesty don't want to hurt your relationship with Katie."

"I know that," he answered, "But don't worry, Katie and I will straighten ourselves out eventually, we always do. She wants to be angry right now but she can't stay that way forever."

"Don't be so sure," Johanna remarked, "I've been calling her everyday for three weeks and she hasn't budged".

"I know and I intend to sit her down and talk to her about it," he declared as he looked her in the eye.

"No," Johanna said as she shook her head, "Don't, she'll just get angry with you and I don't want that."

"She's already mad, Jo," he replied.

"Yes, at me," she stated, "There's no reason why you should have to go down with me."

"I want her to talk to you," he stated firmly, "She's missed you for all of these years and she loves you, even if she wants to pretend that she doesn't right now and I believe that the only way she's going to be able to let go of some of her anger is if she stops running from you."

"I want that too," she said with a sigh, "Believe me, I want nothing more then to be able to sit down with her and take everything she wants to throw at me if it means she'll give me the time of day, but I don't want to jeopardize your relationship with her in the process."

"I don't think that me sitting her down and having a serious talk with her is going to do detrimental damage to our relationship," he stated, "She'll listen to me."

Her brow rose, "I guess that's why she joined us for lunch today."

He laughed, "I probably should've demanded instead of just asking her."

"I bet you would've gotten far with that," she replied with a laugh.

"You never know," he said, "I can make her do things if I really want."

She looked at him in disbelief, "Yeah, you have a real great track record of making her do what you want."

"What's that mean?" he asked, his voice tinged with mild amusement.

"Meaning I recall a time when you tried to discipline her as a teenager, she cried when you got through yelling at her and you felt bad so you handed her twenty dollars and gave her a ride to the mall."

He laughed, "That only happened once."

Johanna grinned, "You never could handle her tears."

"I recall someone else who caused me that same problem."

"That's why I married you," she teased, "I knew I stood a good chance at getting my way if I just cried the right way."

Jim smiled, "You were good at turning on the tears when it counted."

Johanna laughed, "You always told me that I missed my calling, that I should've been an actress instead of a lawyer."

He gazed at her; a small part of him still suffering from mild disbelief that she was really in front of him.

"Can you still cry on cue, Jo?"

Her expression changed and her mood seemed to shift, "I don't know," she answered, "My tears have been coming naturally for a long time now with no need of coaxing."

The sadness in her tone matched his own feelings as he allowed her to slip her hand in his as it lay upon the table.

"I'm sorry," he stated.

"It's not your fault," she said quietly, "It's mine. I should've never taken that case."

"You didn't know what was involved," he answered seriously.

"Doesn't matter," she answered, "I took the case, and I got into this mess and then I ruined our lives by allowing them to tell you and Katie a lie, a lie I lived for thirteen years. I made the choice to run; I made the choice not to tell you or her out of fear for your safety. It's all my fault regardless of knowing what I was or wasn't getting into at the beginning."

"But you also made the choice to come back," he answered, "And now we know the truth and we can try to work things out."

"At least in the respect of you and me," she replied.

"Katie will come around, I'll talk to her."

"Maybe I just need to run into her some place," Johanna stated, "You know, accidently on purpose."

"How do you propose to do that?"

She looked at him, "Tell me where I can find her," she stated, "Where does she go when she's not working?"

"She won't like you showing up unannounced," he answered.

"I've noticed," she replied, "But the phone affords her an opportunity to ignore me, where face to face she has to acknowledge me in some way."

"Let me talk to her first," he stated once again, "If that doesn't work then I'll give you a few ideas of where to run into her…accidentally of course."

Johanna gave him a smile, "Okay. We'll see how it goes with your talk first."

* * *

Castle sat at the end of the bar at the Old Haunt waiting for Kate to arrive so they could retreat to his office for their daily conversation about her life and her mother's new role in it. He felt as though she was handling it relatively well and surprisingly she wasn't keeping it bottled up inside of her. She was letting it out freely, and without prodding and best of all he was the one she chose to talk to about all of it.

He smiled as he remembered the conversation they had while driving back to the precinct the day Johanna had made her first phone call to Kate. She had been irritated about the intrusion into her thoughts that she had been so carefully focusing elsewhere and he brought up something that he had thought of in the days following the discovery that Johanna was still among the living.

'_Are you going to talk to your therapist about all of this?' he asked her, hoping he wasn't overstepping by bringing up that segment of her life._

_She cast him a quick glance, "No, the less people who know about her the better."_

"_Is that a good idea?" he asked._

"_I don't need to talk to Dr. Burke about this, I have you Castle, I talk to you about it. That's enough for me."_

He had been positively giddy over that statement and her choice of him as her confidante. That had been the first evening that they had retreated to his office at the bar, and something about it had stuck and now it was apart of their routine and he had dubbed these little meetings as the 'Castle sessions' much to her amusement.

Movement caught his attention and he looked up to see Kate moving towards him and he smiled as he rose from the seat he had been occupying.

"Paperwork done?" he asked once she reached him.

"Yes, no thanks to you," she teased as he led her to the office.

"Paperwork is boring," he stated, "I'd be tempted to make it all sound so exciting."

"Gates would love that," she answered as she followed him down the stairs.

"Which is why it's better left in your hands," he told her with a grin.

She laughed, "Any excuse will do."

He opened the door and flipped on the lights and waited until they were inside and the door shut before he asked his usual question about her mother.

"Has she called today?"

"Of course," she answered as she pulled her phone from her pocket, "She left a message too."

"What did she say?" he asked as he poured them each a drink and then handed her one.

Kate made herself comfortable on the leather sofa and took a sip before responding.

"I don't know. I haven't listened to it yet, I'm sure it's like the others."

"She's persistent," he replied as he took his seat behind the desk.

"So am I," Kate answered as she hit the button to play the message for him.

'_Katie, please,' _Johanna began as always. '_I know you're angry, you have every right to be and I hope you don't think that I don't understand that because I do; but I think if we could just sit down and talk about things that maybe we could understand each other a little better and then we'd be able to come to some sort of resolution. I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry that I hurt you and your father. Please give me a chance to try and make things better. I love you, I never stopped and I hope you know that.'_

Castle studied Kate's face as she listened to the message. She tried to appear unfazed but there were little tell tale signs that it wasn't as easy to listen to as she'd like him to believe.

"She chose her lawyer voice today," Kate commented as she laid the phone aside.

He smiled at her and took a sip of his drink. Every time Johanna called and left a message she would share it with him and then analyze the tone of voice and tell him which one her mother had used.

"She did sound as though she were stating a case or preparing a defense strategy," he answered.

"She must be trying to appeal to me on a professional level."

"She has no idea who she is dealing with in that area," Castle remarked, bringing a slight smile to her face.

"You've got that right," Kate replied.

"How are things with your dad?" he asked, knowing that there was strain between her and Jim.

"Tense," she admitted, "He says that he understands that I'm mad but he doesn't quite get why I won't at least have a conversation with her regardless of how I feel."

"I think your dad wants to put everything back together the way it was," Castle said.

"Yeah, I get that feeling too but it's never going to be that way again and I know that he knows that just as well as I do," she answered. "I know that he loves her and that he's spent all of these years wishing she was still with him but I just don't know how he can just go and sit down with her everyday and push away all of those feelings of being mad and hurt because I know he has to feel those things just like I do."

Castle thought over the statement for a moment before replying, "Maybe in his case he's willing to do anything if it means he has her back in one way or another."

"It seems that way," she agreed.

"It won't last," he told her.

"What do you mean?"

"His ability to look past his feelings, it won't last, it never does. Eventually they'll surface and he'll let it out."

"I think it's already coming out," Kate replied, "But he's taking it out on me instead of her."

"Did you have an argument with him?" he asked.

"I don't know that I'd call it an argument, it was more like a disagreement," she stated. "He wanted me to have lunch with them today and I said no and it made him mad, I could tell he wanted to say more than he did but he held back, but…."

"But you don't think he's going to bite his tongue for long where your concerned," Castle finished for her.

She nodded, "There's going to be a blow up between him and I, I can feel it and I don't know if I'll be able to stop it."

"You're probably right," Castle replied, "He probably is taking his emotions out on you instead of her."

"But why?" she asked before taking a drink.

"Because he's afraid she'll disappear again," he stated, "He knows that while you may get angry and walk away for a few days, you won't abandon him and that's something he's not sure about in respect to your mother."

She sighed, "That makes sense but I wish I didn't have to be the emotional punching bag. I mean I do my best not to take my feelings out on him."

"It's not an easy situation," Castle answered, "Everyone's toes are getting stepped on."

Kate laughed softly, "Especially mine."

"But at least you have me," he grinned, "And our very special Castle sessions here in the sanctuary of the Old Haunt."

She laughed, "That's true," she said before turning serious, "And I hope you know how much I appreciate it."

"I told you that weren't in this alone," he replied, "And I meant it."

"I know," she answered before turning her attention to her drink and falling silent.

"Do her calls make you want to talk to her?" he asked as he studied her.

She remained quiet for a moment before answering, "No, not in the way you mean."

"Then in what way?" he asked.

She gave a short laugh, "In the way that I want to answer the phone and tell her off and hang up on her again."

"Why don't you?" he asked in curiosity, "Why do you allow her to leave messages?"

"Because lashing out at her never got me anywhere with her," she answered."The more I would verbally fight her, the more she would fight back. It's like it gives her a reason to keep going, but if I just ignore her and let her go to voicemail then I'm not forced to engage with her and give her more ammunition to fight with."

He nodded in understanding, "But apparently your silence is working in much the same fashion."

Kate smiled wryly, "Yeah, that's the only flaw in the plan."

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

"Same thing I've been doing," she answered, "There's nothing else I can do."

Her phone buzzed before he could reply and she picked it up and read the new text message.

"My dad," she stated at his questioning glance.

"Bad news?" Castle asked as he observed the tension that suddenly invaded her features.

"He wants me to come over after work tomorrow so we can talk."

"Do you think it's a set-up?" he asked.

She looked up at him, "He better hope it isn't. It's bad enough that he gave her my phone number."

"Are you going to go?"

Kate bit her lip and thought it over for a long minute, "Yeah, if I don't he'll just keep after me."

"Maybe it won't be so bad," he said in assurance as he watched her eyes cloud with worry.

She typed back her reply and then took a long sip of her drink, "Let's hope it won't."

"Call me or come over afterwards," he told her, concern evident in his voice.

"I will," she answered, "I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about."

He sensed her need to move on to a different topic so he changed the subject and they spent the rest of their time together that evening in relative ease.

* * *

The next evening after work Kate made the journey to her father's house instead of retreating to the Old Haunt with Castle. She tried to shake away the feelings of trepidation before she reached his door but they wouldn't let go of her as she had a feeling that her days of dodging the topic of her mother and resisting any attempts of conversation about her were about to come to an end, and she couldn't help but wonder if either one of them would come out of the conversation unscathed.

She knocked on the door and managed a shadow of a smile when he answered and allowed her inside.

"Let's go into the kitchen," he stated as he led the way, "I made coffee."

'The kitchen,' she thought to herself as she allowed her eyes to roam the house in search of anyone unexpected, the kitchen had always been the place of lectures while she was growing up and she was sure that yet another one would greet her once she sat down at the wooden table with her father.

He caught her glancing around, obviously in search of the person she didn't want to see.

"She's not here, Katie," he stated as he walked towards the counter where the coffeepot sat.

"Just checking," she replied, "You do allow her to call me on your phone after all."

"I'm sorry," he stated, "She wanted to talk to you and I knew you would answer if you thought it was me."

"Then you'll have to forgive me for being suspicious," she remarked as she accepted a mug of coffee from him.

"She's at her hotel," he stated, "It's not like I've allowed her to pack up and move home."

Kate shrugged, "How am I supposed to know that? It wouldn't really surprise me if you had."

"You might know more if you'd quit avoiding my calls and hanging up after two minutes when you do answer," he told her.

"Well then I suggest you stop allowing other people to use your phone, and as for the length of our conversations all I can say is that they may last longer if we find agreeable things to talk about."

"Alright, Katie, I promise that from now on the only person calling you from my number will be me."

"Okay," she answered, "But if it's not you we go back to text screening."

"Fine," he replied.

"See, problem solved," she said with a smile as she tried to diffuse the tension in some manner.

"We still have to talk about your mother," Jim answered.

The smile faded and she glanced away for a moment, apparently the problem wasn't solved after all.

"I really don't think we do," she told him.

"Yes, we do," he remarked, "And you know it."

"I don't know any such thing."

"That's part of your problem, Katie; you never want to talk about anything."

'Here we go,' she thought to herself, anytime a conversation with her father involved the words 'part of your problem,' it didn't end well.

She gave a slight shake of her head and decided she may as well jump in the shark infested waters and get it over with.

"Fine, dad, what about her?" she asked.

Jim looked her in the eye, "We can't just ignore her."

"_We're _not, _I _am," Kate answered, her tone conveying irritation and annoyance.

"Can you drop your attitude for five minutes, Katie?" he asked sternly.

She smirked, "Wow, it's been a long time since I've heard that one."

"Maybe you're hearing it now because you're reminding me of the teenager you used to be instead of the grown woman I know you are," Jim stated.

Kate felt chastened but she said nothing, opting to bite her tongue instead, and he took her silence as indication that he was right and he continued on.

"I know that you're hurt, so am I but we have another chance with her and I don't think you should throw that away so easily. Do you know how many people wish they had the opportunity that we have?"

"Maybe I don't want it," she replied, "Maybe I don't like knowing that I was made a fool of and that I've been lied too. Maybe I just want to let it go."

"I don't think you mean that," he answered, "I think somewhere inside you want this chance just as much as I do but you want to punish her for hurting you and so you keep pushing her away and ignoring her."

"I am not punishing her," Kate argued, "I'm simply making the choice that I feel is best for me."

"Maybe the choice you make shouldn't be solely about you," her father told her sternly.

She gave a short bitter laugh, "So now I'm selfish?"

"I didn't say that," Jim replied, "All I'm saying is that this isn't only about you. It's about all of us and you should at least hear her out before you go and shut her out of your life completely."

She shook her head as her gaze flicked away from his. "She's the one who took herself out of my life and now she can deal with the consequences."

"She didn't have a choice!" he exclaimed, his frustration with his daughter building. "They were going to kill her!"

"I know that she had no choice but to leave!" she shot back angrily, "I get that, but she had the choice of opening her mouth and telling us what was going on and she chose not to. She sat here at this table that morning," Kate said smacking her palm against the surface, "And she looked me in the face and lied to me when I asked her if I could go with her to her office. She sat here and said no, that she'd see me at dinner that we'd go shopping the next day. She sat here and said those things to me knowing damn well that she wasn't coming home that night and that's what really pisses me off!"

He said nothing but kept his gaze on her face and she continued on with her rant.

"She chose to let us believe a lie for over a decade and now she's back because she has a guilty conscience and that's all there is to it, and I'm not just going to go and hold her hand and tell her that it's alright and I forgive her and we can just pick up where we left off and pretend it's all just been a horrible dream. I'm not going to do it, Dad."

"I'll give you the point that guilt played a role in her coming back but there was something else that played into that decision too, Katie."

"What?" she asked as her fingernails dug into her palm as she clenched her fist.

"Love," he answered, "She loves you, she never stopped."

"Yeah, that's the story she left in my voicemail yesterday," she replied, "But I'm afraid I just can't buy into that one."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because if she really loved me it wouldn't have taken a guilty conscience to bring her home and she wouldn't have waited thirteen years."

"You're not being fair," he stated.

"No she's the one who isn't fair," Kate answered, "We don't even know who she is anymore."

"When you love someone there are things that you always know, regardless of the circumstances."

"I'll just have to take your word for that," she replied.

Anger was building within him and he couldn't fight it, "You know something, Katie; you're a bit of a hypocrite."

Her eyes narrowed, "How do you figure?"

"Because in some ways you've done the same things that Johanna has done."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes you have," he answered, "Didn't you run away after your shooting, didn't you hide from your friends? Didn't you hide from Rick?"

"That was different," she spat.

"Why? Because it was you doing the running?" he asked.

"It was different because they knew I was alive!"

"Running is running, regardless of the details."

"If that's what you want to believe."

"What about the lies you tell?" he asked, "What about that little confession you made several weeks ago when you were upset about something between you and Rick. Didn't you sit here in this house and tell me that you had been lying to him for a year? Didn't you tell me that he said he loved you when you were shot and that you told him you don't remember?"

Kate felt like she had been slapped. "That's a low blow, Dad," she said, her tone low and a mixture of hurt and anger.

"But you get the point of what I'm saying," he remarked, "You ran from him, you lied to him, and yet you love him."

She blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay, "I will never tell you anything again," she stated firmly.

Jim looked at her and saw the stubborn set of her jaw and the fury in her eyes.

"Is that your way of punishing me?" he asked, "Because it seems like you're in the mood to punish people lately."

She bit her lip and tried to hold back the words that were on the tip of her tongue but she failed and they spilled out anyway.

"You know what, if you want to forgive her that's fine, go for it; if you want to forget about what she did to us, so be it but I can't forget, Dad. I can't forget about the times I had to drag you out of bars and I can't forget about having to do daily sweeps of the house to find the bottles you had stashed away. I can't forget the times when you were so drunk that you'd scream at me and tell me that you couldn't stand to look at me because I looked like her, I can't forget about having to walk away from you so you'd go get some help. I can't forget about the things I've done to myself over this. I'm not going to forgive her and you can't make me. I'm not a child whose will can be bent the way you want it!"

Jim took the blows in stride, figuring that he probably deserved them for jabbing her in the most sensitive area of her heart but he was still mad and he allowed it to show.

"You're right, I can't make you do anything, but I don't have to agree with your choices, especially when I feel that they are the wrong ones; and I do think you're wrong not to sit down with her at least once because in that respect I think you are acting like a child."

"You're free to think what you want," she returned, "And I am free to choose not to have anything to do with her."

"What about me?" he asked, "What if I want to continue having a relationship with her? What if somewhere down the road I want her to move back home?"

"Those are your choices to make and I'll respect them," she answered.

"But am I going to lose you in the process?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No, not as long as you respect me and my wishes."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that you don't try and force me to have a relationship with her."

"What if she's living here?" Jim asked.

"Then I won't come here. I'll meet you somewhere or you can come visit me, but if she's living here I won't come through the door."

"Is that fair to me?" he asked.

She shrugged, "Maybe what's fair shouldn't be all about you," she stated throwing his words back at him.

"You're being ridiculous," he stated.

"No I'm not; I'm just doing what's best for me."

"It's always about you, isn't it Katie."

"I have to think about me," she remarked, "No one else is going to do it."

"I have to think about both of you," Jim remarked.

"Do what you need to do, Dad," she replied, "Just don't expect me or force me to go along with it."

He shook his head, "I haven't even heard you refer to her as your mother."

"I'm not going to."

"Did you stop and consider the fact that maybe if you sat down and talked to her that it would help you get over some of your anger?" he asked sharply.

"No," she shot back, "I think it would only serve to anger me further."

"You're so damn stubborn, Katherine."

"I must get it from my father."

"No, you get it from your mother."

"I don't owe her anything," Kate remarked.

"She's your mother! The woman you've mourned and now you have a second chance and you're spitting on it and I just can't believe it, I can't believe you're being like this."

"And I can't believe you so easily push away the way I know you must feel, because I know that somewhere inside of you that you're angry at her too."

"What good does being angry do?" he asked.

Kate rose from her chair, "I guess I'm not as forgiving as you, I guess you're the better person. You must've gone wrong with me somewhere along the way."

"I did," he stated as he looked up at her, "I went wrong when we thought we lost her. I wasn't there for you when you needed me and that's why you're the way you are."

The remark hurt but she did her best not to show it. "I'm going to go," she told him, "We've already said hurtful things and if we keep going we're just going to say things we regret, so let's just take a few days and cool off before we talk again."

He sighed, "Don't you ever stop running, Katie?" he asked, "Don't your legs get tired?" Wouldn't you like to sit down somewhere and stay awhile?"

She swallowed hard and turned her gaze back to him, "If I run it's because I feel like I don't have any other option, and I know that it isn't always the right thing to do but sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice, and as for sitting down and staying somewhere; yes there is a place I'd like to stay for awhile…but it's not here."

Jim nodded, "Then I'll pray that Rick always gives you the option to sit down and stay."

"I'll call in a few days," she told him.

He looked at her as though he didn't believe her but he said nothing, choosing silence instead of another argument, because in all honesty he had never intended for this conversation to get so out of hand.

She turned on her heel and marched away; slamming the door behind her once she reached it.

* * *

Kate drove away from her father's house and before she realized what she was doing she pulled up in front of Castle's building. Her eyes were surprisingly dry as she rode the elevator up to his apartment, but her heart still stung from the argument she had endured and when Castle opened his door to her she looked at him and stated, "I'm ready for that trip to the Caribbean."

He led her inside and once they were seated on his sofa he looked her in the eye and asked, "How bad was it?"

"Bad enough," she replied as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

He took her hand and gave it a light squeeze, "It'll work out."

She opened her eyes and looked at him, "If it doesn't can we take that trip around the world we discussed back when all of this started."

Castle smiled, "Say the word and we'll hop a jet."

"Let's go now," she replied.

"I wish we could," he replied, "I'd do anything to get out of that meeting with my publisher tomorrow."

Kate laughed softly, "Then let's go, the hell with work."

He laughed with her, "But then you'd get fired and we have Nikki to think about."

She smiled, "I guess we can't let Nikki down."

"No, we can't do that" he told her.

"I suppose we can't let Rook down either."

"Definitely not," Castle replied, "Rook is a fragile creature."

"Yes, I know," she teased, "But I am fond of him."

He grinned, "Is that right?"

Kate nodded, "The secret's out."

"Does that mean that you're fond of his writer?" he asked.

"That was real subtle, Castle."

He smiled mischievously, "But the question has been asked, and now it must be answered."

Her gaze locked on his and she was deadly serious as she stated, "I am very fond of his writer, and I think he knows that, or at least I hope he does."

He lifted her hand that was joined with his and brought it to his lips, "I'm fond of you too."

"I know," she admitted.

Silence fell between them and then finally he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" she asked hoping it wasn't the depths of her fondness for him.

"The argument you had with your dad."

She released a breath and then nodded before telling him almost everything about their fight, because there were some things that she wasn't ready to tell just yet.

_Authors Note: I feel safe in saying that the next chapter will bring Kate face to face with her mother, and if my plans work out, there will be a fun scene for Castle and Beckett somewhere in that chapter too!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! As promised there will be some lightness between Castle and Beckett in this chapter and I hope you enjoy it!_

Chapter 7 – Catch My Breath

'_Now that you know that this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right' –Kelly Clarkson_

The day after his argument with Kate, Jim knocked on the door of Johanna's hotel room. She smiled as she allowed him in and he crossed the room to take his now usual seat in the chair while she sat on the edge of the bed facing him.

"I take it you talked to Katie," she said as she assessed his expression.

He nodded, "I talked to her."

"And it didn't go well, did it?"

He looked at her and sighed heavily, "No it didn't go well at all."

"Now she's mad at you, isn't she?" Johanna asked.

"Seems that way," he answered, "She told me she'd call me in a few days after we had time to cool off."

There were four words on the tip of her tongue but she didn't allow them to escape her lips.

"Go ahead and say it, Jo," Jim stated, "You know you want too."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied, a slight smile curving her lips upward.

"Yes you do," he said with a laugh, "So just go ahead and say it and get it out of your system."

Johanna gave a soft laugh and then allowed the phrase to be spoken, "I told you so."

"Feel better now?" he asked.

"No," she remarked with a smirk, "I didn't want to be right about this talk of yours with Katie."

"But you were," he replied and there was remorse present in his features, "I didn't mean for it to go the way it did."

"What happened?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. One minute I was intending to discuss the matter calmly and the next I was so frustrated with her and her attitude that we started arguing and taking cheap shots at each other."

"What kind of cheap shots?" she asked.

"I called her a hypocrite," he answered, "Threw some of her own lies and tendencies in her face and she lashed back, with all the things I put her through the first five years without you."

"Jim," she said sadly, her voice a mixture of regret and worry.

"I know," he answered, "I was wrong to do that to her. I don't know what possessed me to poke her where she was most vulnerable, so I feel like I deserved what she threw back at me."

"For future reference, just what is this vulnerable spot of hers that should be avoided?" Johanna asked.

"Her feelings for Rick," he replied, "Maybe their relationship beyond the professional sphere in general."

"What exactly are those feelings?" she asked.

"Let me put it this way, it's not something she has come right out and admitted too, but she has stopped denying it when pressed."

Johanna thought over the statement for a moment and it clicked in her mind.

"She's in love with him."

Her husband nodded, "Most definitely."

"Does he love her," she asked although she had a feeling she already knew the answer.

"Yes, he loves her."

Her daughter's relationship with the writer was somewhat confusing to her and she threw out another question, "So are they together or not?"

"As far as I know they're not," he answered, "They're still dancing around each other."

She smiled and shook her head, "Sounds like how we were."

He laughed slightly, "Katie and Rick are about ten times worse than we ever were."

"I feel sorry for them in that case," she replied.

"They do it to themselves," Jim replied.

"So did we."

"Yeah but it only took us three years, they're on four."

Johanna laughed, "Sounds like an interesting story."

"I'm sure it is," he said, "But I don't have all the details; Katie doesn't give away too much."

"Well you could tell me what you do know," she said, "That is after you tell me where I can run into her, because it looks like it's time for plan B."

He nodded and wracked his brain for places Kate had mentioned and then he told Johanna about various coffee shops and restaurants and then he remembered her mentioning that she sometimes went to the Old Haunt with Castle after work.

Johanna made sure to memorize all of the places he had named and she would get started on her quest to run into her the next day.

* * *

Johanna sat at a table in a corner of the Old Haunt and waited just as she had done for the past three evenings in hopes of running into Kate. She hadn't had an easy time catching her alone, or catching her at all for that matter. The rare occasion when she did happen to catch a glimpse of her daughter, during the past week, she had been surrounded by her friends and Johanna wasn't going to approach her unless she was alone.

A quick glance at her watch showed that it was nearing 6 and she sighed. She was probably sitting there for nothing, she probably wasn't going to show but she brought her focus back to the entrance of the bar. The door opened and a silhouette slipped through and into the light. She blinked once and then twice to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her. Her waiting had paid off. She watched as Kate made her way to a seat at the end of the bar; saw the heads turn as her daughter walked by but no one made a move to approach her as she greeted the bartender whom she obviously knew.

She continued to study her as she ordered a drink and she wondered why none of the men who had admired her as she walked by made a move to slip into the seat next to her. Was it the gun strapped to her hip? Or was it some sort common knowledge that she in one way or another belonged to the owner? She didn't know, but she'd like to. She'd like to know all about her life but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Her first mission was to ease the tension that had arose between her daughter and Jim, and then she'd get back to the matter of her own need to speak with her and apologize for everything she had put her through and there was no better time than the present. She picked up her drink and maneuvered through the bar, making sure to stick to the shadows and out of Kate's line of vision although she appeared to be engrossed in texting someone on her phone.

Carefully she sat her drink on the bar and slid onto the seat next to Kate just as she laid her phone down and reached for the glass of wine that had been placed in front of her. Kate sensed someone next to her and she turned her head and found her mother looking back at her. She rolled her eyes and took a long sip of her wine, wishing that she had ordered something stronger.

"What are you doing?" she asked her sharply.

"Waiting for you," Johanna answered.

"And who or what told you that I'd be here?" Kate asked.

"My source wishes to remain anonymous," she replied.

Kate gave a short nod and bit into her lip, "Dad," she stated, a tinge of irritation making itself heard in her voice.

"I didn't say that," her mother answered.

"You don't have to; he's the only person who could've told you."

"Alright, he told me, but only because I begged him to tell me where I might run into you."

"So what have you been doing?" Kate hissed, "Following me around? Staking out places I may be?"

Johanna smiled slightly, "Something like that."

"Don't," Kate said firmly, "And I mean it, do not follow me around."

"I had no choice. Your father told me about the argument the two of you had and I don't want you to be angry at him because of me," Johanna stated.

"I wasn't angry at him," Kate answered, "I merely suggested that we cool off before speaking again, but now I'm a little angry at him for telling you my business so whatever you hoped to accomplish here with this little talk on his behalf hasn't worked."

Johanna sighed heavily, "Katie."

"That's not my name," she said sharply.

"I've always called you Katie," Johanna remarked, "What else am I supposed to call you? Katherine? You never liked it when I resorted to calling you that."

"You don't need to call me anything," Kate answered through clenched teeth as her fingers tightened around the stem of her glass.

"I beg to differ, Katie."

"Kate!" she said angrily, "My name is Kate!"

Johanna took a moment and sipped her drink before responding.

"I just want to talk to you, Kate" she said quietly, the name feeling somewhat foreign on her tongue, but she was willing to give it a try if it got her somewhere.

"I don't want to talk."

"Then you could just listen," Johanna offered, "Let's go somewhere tomorrow night and sit down and discuss this. Let's get it all out in the open, you can yell and be mad or whatever it is you need to do and I won't be angry about it. I understand your feelings."

Kate laughed but it had nothing to do with amusement, "That is so very good of you to allow me my anger," she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"I didn't mean it to sound that way," Johanna replied as she mentally slapped herself for making such an error.

"You don't mean a lot of things, do you?" Kate answered.

She just had to stay calm, Johanna thought to herself. She had to keep the conversation on track and keep driving it.

"So how about tomorrow?" she asked, "Can we meet somewhere?"

Kate shook her head, "I have to work."

"Are you going to be working day and night?" her mother asked.

Kate shrugged, "Depends on if I have a case or not."

"Alright, if you don't have a case that requires your attention day and night then let's meet up tomorrow night."

"I'm busy."

Johanna nodded, "The next day?"

Kate shook her head, "I have plans the next night."

"Real plans or pretend plans?" Johanna asked.

Kate glared at her, "I have dinner plans with a friend, not that it's any of your business."

"How about after dinner?"

"We have plans after dinner too."

"You have a lot of excuses, Kate."

"My job isn't an excuse," she retorted.

"Then you pick a time," Johanna replied, "I know you must have a day off sometime."

She gave a short laugh, "You just don't get it do you?"

"Apparently I don't," she answered.

"Then let me spell it out for you. I don't want to meet with you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want you following me around, and I don't want anything to do with you. So just leave me alone, okay?"

Johanna shook her head, "No, that's not okay."

"Too bad," Kate replied.

"Yeah it is," she answered, "It's too bad for you that is, because I'm not going to just give up on you."

"Well I guess it's your time if you want to waste it," Kate answered, "But it isn't going to do you any good."

"I can be just as stubborn as you can, Katie," Johanna told her, "Who do you think you get it from."

"Trust me," Kate said as she glared at her, "I can outlast you and I told you that my name is Kate."

Johanna smiled as she looked at her, "I know you told me that, but if you can't give in to me a little than I can't give into you a little either."

"Look the only reason I'm associating with you right now is because I don't want to cause a scene here. We're not going to keep doing this, so you may as well get that through your head."

"Unfortunately I'm as hard headed as you," she replied, "So don't count on me getting that message to compute anytime soon."

Kate leveled her with a stare, "Just go back to Wyoming, Meagan."

Johanna's smile faded and her face took on the same hard look that Kate's held.

"Don't call me that," she stated.

Kate's eyes glittered with undisclosed gladness that she had struck a nerve and shattered her mother's calm cool demeanor.

"What would you like to be called?" Do you have another alias that I'm unaware of?" she asked.

The statement stung her but she forced herself to brush it aside with the practiced ease of a lawyer who had been skilled at keeping her goal in mind.

"Mom would be fine," she answered, her tone settling back into a level of calmness.

Kate scoffed, "What do your friends in Wyoming call you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh come on," Kate said, "Tell me what they call you, I want to know."

"Meg," Johanna answered a hint of frustration working itself into her tone.

"Fine, I'll call you Meg."

"No, you'll call me mom like you're supposed too."

"No I don't think so," Kate answered, "Meg, Meagan, or Johanna are your only choices."

"None of the above," Johanna stated.

"Then I'll just call you what I want," Kate said as she picked up her phone and glanced at the screen as if she were debating something.

"Calling for back up?" her mother asked.

Kate put the phone back down and shot her mother an unamused glare, "I don't need back up, I can handle you on my own."

Johanna gave a light shrug, "I only asked because this is the first time I've seen you alone."

"Yeah, well I'm not going to be alone for long," Kate said with a smile.

"Yes, I can see that," Johanna stated as she saw Castle enter the bar. "Here comes your friend now."

Kate's eyes followed her gaze and when she saw Castle approaching, Johanna could see some of the tension ease from her shoulders.

Castle paused as he stepped toward Kate, his eyes catching sight of Johanna sitting next to her.

"Am I interrupting?" he asked.

Kate shook her head, "No, I was just about to head down to your office; it's getting crowded in here."

"You sure?" he asked, "I could go down and wait for you while you finish your visit."

"No," Kate said as she slid from her seat, "It's not a visit, it's an ambush set in motion by my father."

"It's not like that at all," Johanna spoke, "Sit back down, Katie, let's talk some more."

Kate ignored her and kept her attention on Castle, "She's been following me and staking out places I may be."

Castle turned to Johanna, his eyes wide with shock, "You've been following her?" he exclaimed.

"Well you do it!" she answered in exasperation.

"I had to go to the Mayor to get permission to follow her around," Castle replied.

"I'm going down to your office," Kate stated, "You can fill Meg in on the procedures that one has to go through in order to be allowed to legally follow me around."

"I'm not through talking to you, Katie," Johanna stated.

"Well I'm done," Kate answered as she picked up her phone and her glass of wine.

"You sure?" Castle asked her once again.

"I'm sure," she answered, "I'll see you when you're done."

He took that as his hint that she wanted him to try and reason with her mother so he nodded and watched her walk off in the direction of his office before he took the seat she had vacated.

He looked at Johanna who was studying him with interest.

"Are you crazy?" he asked her.

"Obviously," she answered as she picked up her drink and took a sip.

"You can't just follow her around and sneak up on her like this," he stated.

"She doesn't give me much choice," Johanna told him.

"You do realize that she carries a gun, right?"

She nodded, "I've noticed. It doesn't worry me though. I don't think she'd shoot me."

"Still, you probably shouldn't tempt her," Castle remarked.

"She didn't even reach for it," Johanna answered, "Besides she wouldn't want a room full of witnesses if she did."

"So I guess fearing her isn't going to work, is it?" he asked.

Kate's mother laughed softly, "It's hard to fear the person you gave birth too."

"But the point remains that you can't just follow her around."

She eyed him with an assessing gaze before speaking once more.

"Tell me, Mr. Castle, how did she feel about you following her around at first?"

"You can just call me Rick," he offered.

"Alright, you can call me Johanna."

He nodded and then set about answering her question, "At first she was totally against it, but she didn't have much choice as the Mayor and her Captain told her she had to go along with it. I annoyed the hell out of her for the first few weeks and then I learned how to get away with pulling her pigtails and then eventually we found a rhythm and settled into a partnership and a friendship."

Interest flicked in her eyes, "Is that all it is?"

He smiled at her, knowing exactly where her mind and line of questioning was headed, "Nice try."

"Is that your way of pleading the fifth, Rick?"

"I suppose that's part of it, and before you ask the other part is loyalty to her. I'm not going to give you all the details of her personal life, no matter what my role in it may or may not be."

"The way I hear it," Johanna commented, "You're the one with the starring role in her life."

"We're not talking about that," Castle stated, "We're talking about how you're not going to get anywhere by following her."

"Are you speaking from personal experience, Rick?" she asked; a touch of mischief in her eyes.

He must've looked confused because she laughed and explained the statement to him.

"I have a feeling that following her hasn't gotten you exactly where you want to be."

"That's none of your business," he answered.

She shrugged, "No, I suppose it isn't, but I can't help but be curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Johanna sighed, "I know that she's hurt and angry. I know that she hates me right now and I understand that; I didn't expect it but in hindsight I should have. I love my daughter, Rick. I love her and her father and I know that things can never be the way they were but I'd like it to be better than it is now. I just want to try and make things right and make amends. I don't expect her to grant me instant forgiveness. I know that there are no mother-daughter spa days in our future but I can't just settle for nothing when I came here for the sole purpose of being with my family."

"I understand that," he replied, "But you can't force her. You need to back off a little and give her room to breath and then maybe one day she'll be willing."

"It's not that easy," she replied.

"You've waited this long," Castle remarked, "You can wait awhile longer."

"But I've already waited as long as I can," she answered, "I don't want to wait anymore."

"That decision isn't up to you though."

"But she did talk to me," Johanna argued, "It was nothing profound but she sat there and she acknowledged me, even if it was in the form of an argument."

"Look, if you want to keep pulling her pigtails you're going to have to learn to do it right," Castle told her, "You can't just grab a hold of them and yank, that just makes her mad and then she pushes against you twice as hard. You have to tug on them, just hard enough to get her attention but gentle enough to amuse her instead of infuriate her."

Johanna analyzed the statement and then nodded, "I understand what you're saying, Rick. You're saying I need to take a softer approach."

"Exactly, even though it's still not a guarantee that it's going to get you anywhere."

She sighed and finished her drink, "I won't follow her anymore, and I won't walk up and surprise her unexpectedly."

"That's a good start. What about the phone calls?"

"I'm not giving up the phone calls. I'm still disillusioned enough to believe that she's going to pick it up and answer it for me one of these days."

"Fair enough," he stated.

Johanna slid from the bar stool and opened her purse and pulled out some cash to pay for her drink.

"It's on me," Castle stated as he took her money off the bar and handed it back to her.

"Thank you," she said as she hooked her purse over her shoulder and then she looked at him, "Take care of Katie."

"I will," he replied.

She looked as though she was going to say something else but she changed her mind and said, "Goodnight," instead.

Castle said goodnight and he watched her walk away before he retreated to his office to find Kate.

* * *

"Is she gone?" Kate asked from her place behind her desk.

He pulled the door shut behind him, "She's gone," he answered.

As she watched him take a place on the sofa, she found herself battling her curiosity about his conversation with her mother.

He laughed slightly, his mind recalling the statement Johanna made about him not getting where he wanted by following Kate and his eyes caught her gaze.

"Your mother can be a little bit of a smart ass, you know."

Kate laughed, "I know."

"Must be where you get it," he teased.

"According to my father I get all of my bad traits from her."

"Maybe that's why the two of you clash," he remarked.

She shook her head, "No, we never clashed like this before."

"Well I did get her to agree not to follow you around anymore, or surprise you in public."

"Did you get that in writing?" she asked with a smile.

"No, but she seemed sincere when we worked out that issue."

"Thanks, Castle."

"No problem."

Kate was quiet for a moment, "You think I'm wrong too, don't you?"

Castle crossed the room and sat on the corner of the desk so he could look directly at her.

"No, I don't think you're wrong. I believe you have every right to feel the way you do, but I don't think you're going to feel this way forever."

"I don't know about that," she answered softly.

Castle smiled, "You didn't always like me either."

"It wasn't a matter of not liking you, Castle, it was the fact that you forced your way into my life and annoyed me…and had a good time while doing it."

He chuckled, "As far as I know I still annoy you on occasion."

Kate nodded but smiled, "Yes, at times you still annoy me but now I look at it as a character trait instead of a fatal flaw."

"I like that," he stated as he turned the phrase over in his mind, "Makes me sound distinguished."

Kate laughed, "Great, now I've stroked you ego."

"My ego thanks you," he replied with a boyish grin.

She rolled her eyes but a warm smile stayed on her lips and he hated to ruin the moment but there was one question he just had to ask.

"Why didn't you walk away from her?" he asked.

"What?"

"Why didn't you walk away when your mother sat down next to you?"

She struggled to come up with an answer because it was a question she had been asking herself ever since she had retreated to his office. The only answer she finally came up with was the one that she had given her mother.

"I didn't want to cause a scene."

He remained silent for a moment to see if she wanted to add anything to that statement but when she didn't he spoke, "It's alright if you want to talk to her. It doesn't mean that you're not still angry."

The look on her face indicated the shift in her mood, and he could easily read her simmering anger and irritation towards the woman in her eyes.

"I don't want to talk to her," she stated firmly, "I just want her to let me alone."

"Alright," he stated, not wanting to push to hard, "I just…"

"I know, Castle," she said interrupting him, "You just want to make sure I know what I'm doing."

"I wouldn't say it like that," he replied nervously, as if he were afraid he had offended her.

Her smile re-appeared, "Castle, you should know by now that when it comes to things like this, I rarely know what I'm doing. I just do what instinct tells me."

He nodded, "I just like to remind you of you options and the fact that choosing a different doesn't mean that your feelings have changed."

"I know," she answered, "And I also know that whatever I choose to do you'll back me up."

"Always," he stated.

Kate reached for his hand and smiled, "Are we still on for movie night Saturday?"

"Absolutely," Castle told her, "You have to save me from the loneliness of the loft."

She laughed lightly, "We can't have you being lonely."

"No, you can't," he replied as he thought of how easy it had been to convince her to come and spend the evening with him while his mother and Alexis was in the Hamptons for a few days.

"I'll bring dinner," she told him.

He nodded, "I'll take care of everything else."

"I can't wait."

"I can't believe Gates is giving you the weekend off," he remarked.

"I know," Kate replied, "She's being kind of nice to me ever since my mother popped up. It's kind of scary."

He laughed, "You're right, it is scary but if it means you get to spend the evening with me than I am all for scary nice Captain Gates."

She laughed and then grew quiet, her curiosity creeping up on her once more.

"Castle?" she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"What did she say to you?"

He knew if he waited long enough she would ask and now that she had he sat about telling her about his conversation with Johanna Beckett.

* * *

When Saturday evening rolled around, Kate appeared at his door as promised with bags of take out in hand. They enjoyed a light conversation as they ate and then he made popcorn and popped a movie into the DVD player and they made themselves comfortable on the couch. The problem with movies, he soon discovered, was that they brought a lot of silence with them and he wracked his brain thinking of a way to engage her in some sort of conversation or situation that could possibly lead to something more.

He eyed an empty water bottle sitting on the coffee table and a plan came to mind. He looked at Kate and grinned mischievously.

Kate caught the look from the corner of her eye. "What?" she asked suspiciously.

"You want to play a game?" he asked.

"What kind of game?"

"Spin the bottle."

Kate laughed, "Really? Spin the bottle?"

"Yeah," he replied excitedly, "It'll be fun."

"There's only two of us, Castle."

"I know," he replied with a smile, "It improves my odds of winning."

"I don't know, Castle. It sounds kind of boring. What are we supposed to do if the bottle doesn't land on one of us? Spinning it repeatedly will get monotonous."

He pondered the problem for a moment and then came up with a solution, "When it lands somewhere other than one of us, the person who spun gets to ask a question instead."

"What kind of question?" she asked, suspicion slipping back into her features.

"Wipe that look off of your face and relax," Castle stated, "We'll ask fun questions."

She studied him as she debated the merits of playing the game but then she smiled at him, "Alright, Castle. Let's play."

His eyes widened in surprise that she was going along with the idea. "Really?" he asked wondering if perhaps she was teasing him.

She nodded, "Yeah, why not."

He eyed her, "You do realize what happens if the bottle lands on you, right?"

Kate laughed, "I know how the game works."

Castle grinned and then moved from the sofa onto the floor in front of the coffee table and Kate moved to the opposite side of the table and sat down. Castle grabbed the bottle and laid it in the center of the coffee table and looked at her.

"Who goes first?" he asked.

"You can go first," she told him.

He smiled, rubbed his hands together and then grabbed the bottle and gave it a spin. As it began to slow down he began to pray that it would stop in her direction but it didn't and his hopes were dashed.

"Damn," he muttered.

She tried to stifle a laugh but failed. "Patience, Castle, it's only the first spin."

"Right," he stated, "Now I get to ask you a question."

"I'm ready."

He thought for a moment and then his eyes lit up, "If you could be any figure from history, who would it be?"

"That's a hard one," she answered.

"Just pick someone."

"I don't want to pick someone who meets a bad end," she replied.

"Beckett, most people in history have met a bad end. Don't over think it."

She gave him a playful glare, "Fine, I would be…Queen Elizabeth the first."

He nodded, "Impressive."

"My turn," she said as she reached for the bottle and spun it. She couldn't help but laugh at his expression as he watched the bottle spin; it was so obvious that he was trying to will it to land on him.

The bottle pointed towards the chair and he looked devastated.

"Same question, Castle. Which historical figure would you be?"

"Richard Nixon," he responded without missing a beat.

"Nixon?" she exclaimed in surprise, "Why Nixon?"

"Because he was the President that spied on people," he explained, "And if I were Nixon I would know what had been erased from those Watergate tapes."

She shook her head, "I had you pegged for J. Edgar Hoover."

"Oh, that's a good one too," he answered.

"Spin the bottle, Castle."

While the bottle was spinning he decided to try tricking her into turning her attention away from the table.

"Look at that huge spider over there!" he exclaimed pointing behind her.

"Really, Castle?" she asked, "Third spin and your already trying to cheat?"

"I'm not cheating!" he said, "I'm serious, it's huge. Look at it."

"Right."

"It's coming closer to you, you better look."

"If there is a huge spider behind me than go kill it and then I'll look," she answered.

"Spoken like a homicide detective."

"That's how it is," she replied, "I don't go take a look until I get the call."

"So if I killed the spider you would look at it and then investigate its murder?" he asked with a teasing sparkle in his eyes.

"Wouldn't be much of an investigation," she quipped, "I already know who the killer is and I could probably make a case that it was pre-meditated."

The bottle had stopped but his gaze was still focused on her, "You want to slap the cuffs on me?" he asked suggestively, "Make me confess?"

Kate laughed, "No need for cuffs or confessions."

"Why not?"

"Because there is no spider to be killed and your ploy to cheat has been exposed."

"You don't always have to play by the rules, Kate."

"I beg to differ," she answered, "Now ask a question, the bottle is pointing away from me so obviously the universe is punishing you for thinking of cheating."

He looked down at the bottle and sure enough it was facing away from her.

"If you could be a character from any classic work of literature who would you be?" he asked.

She grinned, "I'll go with Scarlett O'Hara."

"Really?" he asked, "I thought you'd go in the direction of Elizabeth Bennett."

Kate wrinkled her nose, "Nah, she never impressed me much."

"But Scarlett did?" he asked.

"Yeah," she answered, "She did what she had to do to survive and that's admirable."

"But she also had her bad traits," Castle replied.

"Don't we all?" she asked.

"Point taken."

On her next spin she posed the same question to Castle.

"Gatsby," he answered.

She nodded, "I thought so."

"Oh, why?" he asked.

Kate shrugged lightly, "Similar lifestyles I suppose."

He smiled, "Gatsby was an interesting character with his parties and his lifestyle."

"But he was also more than he seemed on the surface," Kate remarked.

"Yes, he was" Castle replied, "On the outside he appeared to have everything but inside he was longing for Daisy."

She nodded slowly, a new parallel between Castle and the character he had chosen becoming clear. Gatsby had waited for Daisy and Castle was waiting for her.

"My turn," he stated bringing her attention back to the game and he spun.

"Damn," he said when it once again didn't land on her.

"I told you that you were being punished," she told him with a grin.

"This is so very wrong," he said as he looked forlornly at the bottle.

"Question?" she stated making him look away from the bottle that had let him down once more.

"If you could have any job in the world, besides the one you have; what would it be?"

"You're going to laugh," she stated.

"That's okay," he replied, "I like laughing at you."

She swatted his hand, "I'm sure you do."

"So what is it?" he asked.

"I'd want Vanna White's job," she answered.

Castle laughed, "Why?"

"Think about it," she said, "All she does is smile, wave, clap and walk back and forth in designer clothes and touch a board and make a letter pop up and they pay her millions for it. Who wouldn't want that job?"

He thought it over for a second, "Good choice."

On her next spin she kept with the same question just to see what he would say.

"Well if you're going to be Vanna than I'm going to be Pat," he answered.

"Why?" Kate asked.

"Because I have to make sure you get to the puzzle board safely," he remarked.

"That's so gallant of you, Castle."

"That's the kind of guy I am."

A few spins later and no kiss in sight she posed the question, "What time period would you live in if you could choose?"

"That's tough," he replied, "The 1940's hold a lot of allure so I'd probably go with that one, but on the other hand if I were a caveman I could drag you around by your hair."

She burst into laughter, "Even if you were a caveman I'd kick your ass."

He laughed with her, "I don't doubt it."

"How about you?" he asked on the next spin, "What time period would you pick?"

"The twenties," she said without hesitation, "I would want to be a flapper."

"I can so totally see that," he answered.

She took her turn and asked what fairy tale he liked the most as a child.

"Peter Pan," he told her.

Kate nodded, "No surprise there."

He smirked and then spun the bottle and when it stopped he had to blink to make sure he was seeing it right. The bottle was pointing directly at Kate Beckett…and she was smiling.

He didn't move, couldn't even begin to remember how. Was she really going to let him do this?

"Well?" she said flirtatiously.

"Are you going to shoot me afterwards?" he asked.

"I'm off duty," she reminded him, "I'm unarmed."

He nodded but still didn't move. The moment to kiss her had arrived and he was hesitating. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Well, Rick, are you going to come over here and kiss me or not?" she asked, her tone slightly lower and seductive.

He smiled, "If you're not careful I might start to think that you want me to kiss you."

She shrugged, "I don't recall ever saying that I didn't want you to kiss me."

"You are such a tease," he stated as he gazed at her.

"I don't know, seems to me you're the one being a tease."

"How do you figure?" he asked.

"You're making me wait," she answered.

He grinned and then moved around the table to be next to her and she turned towards him in anticipation. It suddenly felt ten degrees warmer in the room as his hand cupped her cheek, his thumb running across her skin softly. As he leaned closer her eyes closed and her heart pounded. Just as he was about to brush his mouth against hers; her phone rang startling both of them and causing them to jump apart.

"Why must the universe toy with me?" he cried as she reached for her phone that was lying on the side of the coffee table.

"It isn't treating me too well either," she commented before looking at the screen of the phone.

"It's my dad," she stated, a frown spreading across her lips, which he so desperately wanted to kiss.

"Are you going to answer it?" he asked.

Kate thought it over. She could answer and either give and or receive an apology for their argument, or they could wind up fighting about something else, or she could hit ignore, call him back tomorrow and get back to business at hand which was a long awaited kiss from Richard Castle. The decision was a no brainer. She hit ignore and tossed the phone over the table and watched it land on the sofa.

"I'll call him back," she answered as she moved back towards Castle.

"Shall we try it again?" he asked with a grin.

She nodded and they started over only to be interrupted by the ring of his phone.

"Looks like the universe isn't done punishing you," Kate told him as he cursed under his breath.

Castle grabbed the phone. "It's Alexis," he stated and he accepted the call to make sure everything was alright in the Hamptons.

Kate watched him as he tried to contain his impatience while speaking to his daughter and giving permission for a party that she must've wanted to have. He ended the call and placed the phone back on the table and turned back towards her.

"Third times the charm," he told her only to be interrupted again.

Kate burst into laughter, "Doesn't it just figure that this is the way it would work out."

He checked the phone and saw that it was his mother. "I'll call her back," he stated, "She probably wants to be nosy about why I hurried Alexis off of the phone."

"You better hurry up this time," Kate told him.

"This has to be the most interrupted kiss in the history of kissing," he complained.

"Maybe they're done now," she stated with a smile, "Let's try again."

He couldn't believe she was actually admitting to wanting this kiss as much as he did but he didn't want to waste anymore time by over thinking it. He cupped her face and pulled her towards him and kissed her, this time without interruption and when it was over all either of them could think of was that it had been well worth the wait.

"My turn," she said softly as she pulled back away from him, a teasing glint in her eyes.

Castle moved back to his place and then watched as she turned the bottle with one finger and pointed it in his direction.

"Oh look, it landed on you," she said with a grin.

"Isn't that breaking the rules?" he asked with a raised brow.

She shrugged, "If it is, are you complaining?"

"Hell no," he answered.

Kate moved around the table and pulled him in for another kiss, which soon turned into two and then three and then they were interrupted once more by the ringing of her phone.

"Damn," she muttered.

"That's my line," he told her with a smirk.

"Now it's mine," she answered as she wiggled away from him and reached between the cushions of the sofa where her phone had landed earlier.

"Who is it this time?" Castle asked in annoyance.

"It's Esposito."

"I thought you were off duty?"

"I am," she replied.

"It's like they know," Castle stated, "Everyone we know has been ringing the phone ever since that bottle landed on you."

"I know," she stated and her tone conveyed her own annoyance at the situation.

"Are you going to answer it?" he asked as it continued to ring.

"I guess I'll have to if we want to have any peace around here, besides something might be wrong."

"I should've taken you up on that offer to run away together," he muttered.

"What?" Kate asked in exasperation as she answered the call.

Castle watched her as she listened to whatever it was that Esposito was saying and he saw the blood drain from her face.

"When?" she asked and a feeling of unease settled into his stomach.

"How bad is it?"

He continued to study her, watched as her features lost the softness they had held earlier and tightened into lines of strain and a slight tremor became noticeable in her hands.

"Where?"

Castle was holding his breath, waiting for her to end the call and tell him what misfortune had befallen them now.

"I'm on my way," she said finally and then she ended the call and turned towards him.

"What is it?" he asked quietly.

…_to be continued_

_Authors Note: That was cruel wasn't it ;) Stay tuned._


	8. Chapter 8

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! I know I was terrible to give you a cliffhanger last chapter but it was necessary lol, no seriously it was because I didn't have a single word of the next segment written at the time, but on the bright side chapter 7 was my most reviewed chapter which made my day so thanks again and I hope you enjoy this one._

Chapter 8 – Soul

'_There's always something tearing you apart, It's always so much longer than you counted on, And it hits you so much harder than you thought'– Matchbox Twenty_

As they stood in the elevator of his building, Castle kept his attention glued to Kate who was trying her best not to pace in the small confines of the enclosed area.

"Tell me what happened, Kate," he said softly as the only thing he had gotten out of her so far was that they were going to the hospital. "Is it your mother?"

She nodded and took a breath before telling him what she knew. "Apparently she went out to dinner with dad and when they were going back to the hotel a shot was fired and it caught her in the arm. Esposito says that it's a flesh wound but a nasty one."

"And your dad?" he asked.

"He's okay; he went to the hospital with her."

"Was anybody else hurt?"

"No, just her…just one shot fired."

He allowed that thought to sink in and join the feeling of dread that had suddenly taken up what felt like permanent residence in his stomach.

"How did Esposito get involved?" Castle asked.

"Apparently he's been worried that someone involved with her case would crawl out of the woodwork so he had one of his friends that works the area of her hotel keep him informed of anything suspicious going on over there. His friend called him about the shooting and he and Ryan went over there and saw that it was her and dad told him that he had tried to call me but didn't get an answer."

He remembered her hitting ignore on that phone call and saying that she'd call back and he knew that she was thinking of it too and that it would most likely cause her to regret what they had been doing, but then she slid her hand into his as if she were searching for an anchor and he knew that all hope hadn't been lost but that the game of their lives had just taken a turn in a direction neither of them wanted to go.

"Say something reassuring," she pleaded quietly.

He didn't know how to reassure her when he felt as unsure as she did but he made the effort.

"It might not be what we're thinking," he stated, "It may have been some random incident. This is New York, things like this happen all the time."

She looked at him gravely, "Like random gang violence?"

"Bad choice of words," he told her as the elevator stopped and they stepped out into the garage.

She paused before they reached his car and he stopped to face her and see what was wrong.

"Why am I even going?" she asked. "My dad is fine and she is fine and I…"

"You're going," he interrupted, "Because you need to see that your dad is fine, and you're going because despite how you feel about your mother right now you need to make sure that she is fine too."

"But I don't…"

"Don't, Kate," he stated firmly, "Don't say you don't care because you do, that's the type of person you are, that's what makes you a good cop, you care about people. You don't want anyone to be hurt regardless of your personal feelings."

"I could just call," she replied as she shifted nervously from foot to foot.

"No," he told her, "You and I are going to go to the hospital and we're going to see them for your peace of mind and so you can find out what is going on. I know you, Kate, the cop in you is going to want answers and you're going to want to ask questions. I can see it all over your face."

"I'm sure that statements have already been given."

"But not to you," he answered, "Now lets go."

She followed him to the car and slid into the passenger seat when he opened the door for her and then he hurried around to the driver's side and took the wheel. She requested that he make a quick stop at her apartment and he did so figuring she wanted to grab her gun and badge just in case. His suspicions were confirmed when she got back in the car and he could see the gun on her hip and the badge hooked to her waistband.

As he drove them towards their destination he kept taking glances at her as she sat quietly in the seat next to him. She was putting her game face on. What a difference thirty minutes could make. One minute she was laughing, flirting, kissing him, and the next she was slipping into cop mode and pushing her feelings deep down inside of her where they couldn't cause her any problems.

It seemed to him as he watched her mask settle firmly into place, that Kate Beckett was a woman constantly at war rather it be with forces of the outside world or herself and the demons of her own that she battled. There was always something waiting in the shadows to tear her apart and despite her strength and her will to keep her feelings at bay the unexpected blows always hit her harder than she had counted on.

He wished that he could just take her away somewhere and erase the worry from her eyes and the stress lines from her face. He wished he could just make it all go away for her, rewrite all of the bad scenes of her life and give her the happy endings that she deserved.

"I can't do this again, Castle," she whispered as they pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. "I was supposed to be letting this go, I was moving on. I didn't want to do this anymore."

"I know," he answered, because he had believed her when they had talked after the zombie case, "But we don't know what's going on right now, it might be the way I said, it might be some random incident. It might not have anything to do with the past."

"I hope you're right," she answered.

Once inside the hospital they were directed towards the room Johanna was in and they made their way towards it in silence. Kate paused a few steps away from the door and turned to Castle.

He smiled in reassurance, "You got this," he told her quietly.

She returned the smile with a small one of her own, "I wish we were still in your living room playing our game."

"Me too," he answered and then hoping to lighten the situation in some way, he added, "I was winning."

Kate smiled, "We'll get back to it," she told him, wanting him to know that she didn't regret anything about the evening they had been enjoying.

He seemed to understand what she was saying and he took her hand and gave it a light squeeze in silent acknowledgement before he led her the last few steps and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Jim's voice called.

Castle opened the door and gestured for her to enter but she hesitated once again.

"Go on," he whispered, "I'm right behind you."

Kate stepped into the room and her eyes automatically sought out her father.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, worry evident in her voice.

"I'm fine," he told her, "I tried to call you."

"I know," she answered as her gaze shifted away from him and a slight feeling of guilt swept of over.

Jim's eyes flicked towards Castle who was standing quietly behind Kate.

"I guess I don't have to ask where you were," he remarked, "But I would like to know what you were doing that was so important that you couldn't answer the phone."

Johanna was watching the interaction between them and she saw a light blush spread across Kate's cheeks and the way Castle was avoiding eye contact with Jim.

"It's none of our business what she was doing," Johanna spoke up.

Her mother's voice forced Kate's gaze towards her and she schooled herself not to react to the sight of her lying in a hospital bed, pale faced and the bandage sticking out from beneath the sleeve of the hospital gown.

"We were watching a movie," she stammered.

"You could've answered the phone," Jim stated sternly.

"I was going to call you back," she said defensively as she tried to remain calm and keep in mind that her father had been through a traumatic experience and was lashing out in relation to it.

"When?" he asked, "Next week?"

"She didn't know," Johanna stated firmly. "It's not her fault."

Kate couldn't believe this, for a month her mother had been harassing her and now she was defending her to her father. Her life just seemed to get stranger everyday.

"Are you alright?" Castle asked Johanna, since it seemed as though Kate had been unable or unwilling to find the words.

"I'm fine," she answered, "Just a few stitches."

The blasé comment chaffed Kate's raw nerves and she turned towards her and spoke to her directly for the first time since entering the room.

"This isn't something to take lightly."

"I know that, Katie," Johanna answered and somewhere inside Kate knew that but it wasn't computing.

"Do you?" she asked, "Do you still think it was wise to come here?"

"I really don't think this has anything to do with that," Johanna replied.

"Oh really?" Kate shot back, "What do you think it was?"

"I don't know what it was, but I figure if it was connected to what happened in the past I'd be dead right now."

Kate shook her head, "Yeah, well let me tell you something, I'm sure that someone planned on me being dead too last May but here I stand."

"Don't you think they would've aimed somewhere other than my arm?" Johanna asked.

"Maybe it's a warning," Kate told her.

"I've been careful, Katie," she replied, "I haven't announced to the world who I am."

"That doesn't mean that someone hasn't found out," Kate remarked as she gave into the urge to pace.

"I don't know how," her mother answered as her voice dropped into a whisper, "I don't even own anything that has my real name on it."

"What about the time you've spent following me? The way you two have been going out? You haven't been staying hidden away, someone could've caught on."

"The whole point in coming home was so I didn't have to hide anymore."

"Maybe you should rethink that decision," Kate stated.

"As of right now there is no evidence that this incident is related to what happened before," Johanna said.

"Did either of you see anything?" she questioned.

"No," they both answered.

"Any idea of where the shot came from?" Castle asked.

"It seemed like it would've came from across the street," Jim answered, "But we've already been over all of this with the cops who responded and with Detective Esposito."

Kate gave him a sharp look, "Well now you're going to go over it with me."

"Did anything out of the ordinary happen before this?" Castle asked, "Anything seem odd when you left to go out?"

"No," she answered and Jim stated the same.

Kate paced for a moment more and then she stopped and put her hands on her hips as she turned in her mother's direction once again.

"I'm going to ask you this once," Kate said firmly as she looked Johanna in the eye, "And don't you even think about lying to me."

Johanna nodded, "Alright, Katie."

Castle saw the stiffness in Kate's spine and the hard look on her face and he could tell that for once Johanna was taking her daughter's attitude and reaction seriously.

"Have you been threatened in any way?" Kate asked as she kept her gaze glued to her mother's face searching for any sign of deception.

"No," Johanna answered, "I haven't been threatened."

"There's been no strange phone calls, no notes, anything like that?" Kate questioned.

"No."

"What about outside of the hotel? Have you felt like you were being followed? Have you seen anyone acting suspicious? Anyone hanging around that doesn't seem like they should be?"

"No, not that I've noticed."

"You're sure?" Kate asked.

"I'm sure."

Kate was still eyeing her with suspicion, "You better be telling me the truth, because if I find out that you're lying to me you're going to wish that you had stayed in Wyoming because the anger I've had up until this point will look like a walk in the park compared to what you'll get if your not telling me the truth."

"Katie," Jim stated, "I think your mother has been through enough tonight without you threatening her."

"I'm not threatening her," Kate stated, "I'm making her a promise."

"I'm not lying to you," Johanna said firmly.

"Fine."

"I'm surprised you haven't accused me of staging it to get your attention," her mother stated.

Kate looked at her with a raised brow, "Well, did…"

"Katherine Beckett don't you even think of finishing that statement," Jim interrupted.

Kate bit her lip and then looked at him, "She's the one that brought it up."

"I had nothing to do with it," Johanna stated in her own defense.

Her phone buzzed saving her from responding and she checked it and found a message from Esposito saying that he and Ryan were in the waiting room.

"Come on, Castle," she said, "Ryan and Esposito are in the waiting room. Let's go see what they've found."

He nodded and followed her to the door as she called, "We'll be back," over her shoulder.

* * *

They found Ryan and Esposito in the waiting room and she marched up to them acting as if it were all business as usual.

"What did you find?" she asked.

"The shot most likely came from a second floor window of an apartment building across the street from the hotel," Esposito answered.

"Most likely?" Castle questioned.

"The window was open," Ryan told him, and it fits with the direction the bullet came from but when we went to the apartment we found that the lock had been picked and that it was vacant."

"Anything left behind?" Kate asked.

"Nada," Esposito told her, "No prints, no gun, no shell casing, nothing."

"Nothing?" she repeated.

"Nothing, whoever it was they cleaned up after themselves."

"What about witnesses?" Castle asked, "Surely someone saw or heard something from inside the apartment building."

"The tenants across the hall were out at the time of the shooting and the ones next door to the unit are out of town."

"How convenient," Kate commented, "What about security cameras?"

"None in the building," Ryan answered, "And the position of the window keeps it from being visible on the cameras in the area where she was hit."

"Figures," she muttered.

"What about people on the street?" Castle asked, "Anyone see somebody at the window or leaving the building?"

"No," Esposito told him, "All anyone knows is that they heard the shot. We figure the shooter went out the back of the apartment building and down an alley. Uniforms are canvassing the area to see if he ditched the gun somewhere."

"They won't find it," Kate stated, "This guy was to clean to leave the gun in the area."

"They're also digging the bullet out of the front of the hotel building."

She nodded and wracked her brain for anything that could've been missed and she came up empty.

"Let me know if you find out anything else," she told them.

"We will," Esposito told her, "How's your mom?"

She tensed slightly at the term but she let it pass, "She's fine."

"Don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of this," Ryan reassured her.

Kate managed a smile for them, "Thanks guys."

They said their goodbyes and as Ryan and Esposito walked away they shared a look with Castle that spoke of the new heighted state of alertness they all felt on her behalf.

When they were alone once again she turned to him, "As much as I hate to do this, I'm going to have to stay here until they release her and then follow them back to the hotel and check the room, so if you want to go home you can, I'll be alright."

He shook his head, "No, I'm staying with you."

She nodded, not even considering fighting his response because she didn't want him to go and leave her alone with her parents at a time like this.

"Let's go back and see what's going on," she told him.

It was close to two that morning when Johanna was released and Kate explained to both of them that she and Castle would be tagging along to check the room and make sure it was secure before leaving for the night.

* * *

At the hotel, Kate and Castle followed Jim and Johanna to the door of her room. Kate gestured for them to stand aside and she tried the doorknob to see if it was still locked, upon finding that it was she took the room key from her fathers hand and quietly instructed him and her to stay in the hallway why she and Castle checked the room.

She unlocked the door and then drew her gun just in case as Castle shifted into position behind her. Slowly she pushed the door open and then she stepped inside and flipped on the lights. She moved around the main room and the bathroom, checking every available hiding place while Castle checked the closet and under the bed. With her sweep completed she checked the windows to make sure that they were still locked and undisturbed and then she drew the curtains shut.

"See anything out of place?" she asked Castle.

"No," he answered as his gaze swept over the room once more, "It doesn't look like anyone has been here but her."

She nodded in agreement as she did one more visual sweep of her own and then she went back to the door and gestured Jim and Johanna inside before closing it behind them.

"Anything?" Jim asked.

"No, everything looks fine," she answered.

"Good," he stated as he watched his wife sink down onto the bed, the events of the evening and her injury obviously catching up with her.

"Are you staying with her or are you going home?" she asked her father.

"I'm staying," he told her.

"You don't have to do that, Jim," Johanna stated tiredly.

"I know I don't have to," he said sharply, "But I am and I don't want to hear any arguments from either one of you."

Johanna fell silent and Kate simply looked at him and said, "I didn't intend to argue with you."

"You didn't?" he asked.

"No, it wouldn't do me any good. I was just going to tell you to call if anything came up."

"Are you going to answer the phone if I do?" he retorted.

She clenched her fist and forced herself to remain quiet. He had been through a traumatic experience and he was dealing with it in his own way.

"I think she feels bad enough about that, Jim," Castle spoke in her defense.

Jim looked at his daughter and saw the deliberate way she was avoiding his gaze and her teeth sinking into her bottom lip and he knew that Rick was right and that he shouldn't be taking his frustrations out on her. She did come to the hospital after all and she had followed them back to the hotel and made sure the room was secure.

"I'm sorry, Katie" he said quietly.

She nodded, "I know."

She hadn't looked at him when she responded to his apology and he felt weighted down with regrets and worries. He looked to Johanna who was watching the exchange intently.

"Do something," she mouthed to him and his memory recalled past moments when she would mouth those words to him in situations like this and it was always code for 'Hug Katie and tell her you love her'."

Kate was moving towards the door where Castle stood waiting for her but Jim caught her arm and pulled her back, wrapping her in a tight hug that he was surprised that she returned.

"I love you, Katie."

"I love you too."

"I'm just worried," he stated.

"I know," she answered before pulling away, blinking back tears that had sprung to her eyes. There was always something about hugging her father after an argument that could take her back to the days when she had been a vulnerable teenager and had faced his wrath only to accept his apologies later.

"Call if you need anything," she told him.

"I will."

"Lock the door behind us," she said as she motioned for Castle to go ahead of her.

"Goodnight, Katie," Johanna said softly as she watched her go, her heart aching with the wish that she could've hugged her as well.

She kept going without an answer, but Castle called goodnight for both of them and Jim closed the door and locked it

Johanna gathered up her nightgown and retreated to the bathroom, unsure of what to say or do in the face of her husband who seemed stuck somewhere between worry and anger. Her adrenalin had crashed and she felt exhausted and her arm had a light throb beginning in it as the numbness from the anesthetic used at the hospital began to wear off.

"Try and get some rest, Jo," Jim stated when she finally emerged from the bathroom.

"You don't have to stay," she told him once more as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I said that I'm staying and that's final," he told her.

"Katie would probably prefer it if you didn't."

"Katie isn't the boss of me," he replied.

"Tell that to her badge and gun," she said as she tried to stifle a yawn.

"Go to bed Johanna," he said firmly.

"Jim," she began to say.

"Johanna, I'm not in the mood to argue with you or Katie. We don't know what the hell is going on or why this happened."

"Which is why you should go," she told him, "If it is connected to the past then they're after me, not you and I don't want them coming after you."

He shook his head, "No, I didn't have a say the first time around but this time I do."

"Meaning what?" she asked.

"Meaning I should've been given the opportunity to protect you!" he exclaimed, "You're my wife, I was supposed to take care of you. I was supposed to keep you and Katie safe. That was my job."

"There wasn't anything you could do," she told him.

"You don't know that. You took away my options, Johanna. You didn't even discuss anything with me. You just went along with it and walked around lying to us and letting us be lied to! You didn't give me a choice in the matter but this time I have one and I'll be damned if I walk out of here tonight not knowing if this was some random incident or a plot to take you down again. I'm not going to take the chance of waking up tomorrow and finding Katie on the porch telling me that you're dead for real this time. I won't do it, Johanna!"

Emotion slammed into her and she struggled against it, not wanting to fall apart in front of him again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know you're sorry," he remarked, "But sorry doesn't erase the memories or the pain. It doesn't make the lies go away. It doesn't make it hurt less. You wanted to be here and now you are, you wanted to be with me and I'm here and I'm staying and you're going to deal with me watching over you tonight. Now go to bed."

She didn't feel as though she had a right to fight him so she stood and went about the task of pulling back the covers and then climbing into bed as he pulled his chair closer and propped his feet up on the foot of the bed. The wound in her left arm gave her an excuse to turn away from him and she did so, leaving him to turn out the lights which he did before clicking on the television and turning the volume down low.

She laid there in the darkness and prayed that Kate was wrong about this shooting being a warning, and that it was some random incident and everyone would be able to relax in a few days. The fear in the pit of her stomach wouldn't ease, however and Jim's biting words had stung her despite the truth they carried. The tears were falling but she kept quiet, not even moving to bring her hand up and brush the moisture away from her cheeks in effort to keep him from noticing.

"Don't cry," he said softly.

"I'm not," she whispered, giving her best effort to sound normal.

"Stop lying, Jo," he told her, "It doesn't suit you."

"I'm allowed to cry if I want too," she replied as she wiped the tears away.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to go back to Wyoming," he stated quietly.

"I'm not going back;" she answered, "I'm not running anymore."

"You sure?" he asked.

"If I wasn't I wouldn't have came back in the first place."

"Things haven't gone as you've hoped."

"No they haven't but it's still better than what I had which was nothing."

"You had safety," he told her.

"What good is being kept alive if you have to stay away from the people you love for the rest of your life?" she asked. "I love you; I want to be here with you. I want to be here with Katie, even though she doesn't want me. I'm tired Jim. I'm so tired of walking around acting like I have no one, having to pretend that I don't. It just isn't worth it anymore."

"Alright, Jo," he answered, "If you want to stay then stay. I won't try and force you to change your mind."

"Do you want me to go?" she asked him.

He was quiet for a long minute and her heart broke a little more.

"If you want me to leave," she said slowly, "I will."

"No," he answered as he rose from his chair, turned on the lights and rounded the bed so he could see her face. "I don't want you to go," he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed and wiped away a tear from her cheek.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to go."

He shook his head, "I don't want you to leave but I want you to be safe. I want to protect to you like I should've been able to do back then. I always wanted to protect you, Johanna, even before we were married. I wanted to shield you from all of those colleagues who gave you a hard time at the law firm where we met, the ones who didn't think a woman belonged there or that you were too young to be taken seriously. Then when we were married and had Katie I felt that it was my job to protect both of you, to take care of you both."

"You always defended me, Jim. You always took care of me and Katie, we never lacked for anything. You always kept us safe," she told him.

"Except for when it counted," he answered.

"I didn't give you a choice," she reminded him even though it hurt to do so.

He nodded, "No, you didn't, and Katie doesn't give me one either. I guess that was my lot in life, to be given a hardheaded wife and an equally hardheaded daughter who want to run out into the world and take on everything on their own instead of asking for help."

"It's not like that," she told him as she sat up in the bed, "Something's are out of your control, Jim."

"Yeah," he agreed, "It's the women in my life who are out of control. You get into trouble with this case and you don't come to me the way you're supposed to, you don't give me an opportunity to help you, you just go off on your own and let me think you're dead and it wasn't fair, Johanna! This wasn't like hiding the fact that you put a dent in the car! This was about your life and you didn't come to me!"

"I'm sorry," she told him once again, "I know what I did was wrong, but I was afraid and they kept telling me that I had to do it their way or you and Katie could be put in danger and I didn't want that."

"Did you ever think that maybe we could've gone with you?" he asked, "Or at least waited a few months and then made it look like we were moving to get away from bad memories? Did that ever occur to you?"

"They didn't give me that option."

"You should've thought of it!" he told her, "You're not a stupid person, Johanna. You were one of the smartest people I knew, but now I'm not so sure anymore."

"I can't change what I did," she answered as she struggled to get a hold of her emotions, "All I can do is try to make amends with you and Katie."

"Katie," he muttered, "When she was a little girl I'd ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she'd always tell me that she wanted to be just like her mommy, and she is. She's just like you. She goes off and gets herself a badge and a gun instead of staying in school and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop her. She goes out there everyday looking for trouble and there's no way to protect her, and she hardly ever tells me anything important until after the fact. I had to watch her take that bullet and all I could think of was that if I lost her they'd have to bury me with her because I couldn't go through that again; and there was guilt, Johanna, and there still is. I couldn't keep her from getting hurt that day. I'm her father and I couldn't save her; I'm your husband and I couldn't save you. You don't know how that feels, that constant feeling of having failed in some way or another, but I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to fail this time. I'm not walking out of here tonight and giving someone a chance to finish the job. I'm not going to do it again."

"Do you think I don't have guilt?" she asked, "I've had guilt everyday for the last thirteen years. I blame myself for what happened to Katie, and to you. I feel like a failure too, Jim. What kind of wife and mother abandons her family for her own sake? Do you think that decision doesn't eat at me, because if you do then let me tell you that it does. It's ate me alive for years until finally I couldn't take it anymore and now I'm here because this is where I'm supposed to be and it's where I'm staying as long as you want me too."

His anger was dissipating, his rant freeing some of the weight that had been lying on his chest.

"I don't want you to go," he told her once again, "But there is the issue of trust."

"You can trust me," she told him, "I'm not lying about anything."

"And are you going to continue to be truthful with me?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"You're going to come to me if you have a problem?"

Johanna hesitated for a split second, the fear she still felt nagging at her, "Yes," she finally answered.

"You didn't sound too sure about that," he remarked.

"I'll come to you if I need help with any problems that arise," she stated.

He nodded, "Alright then, we have an understanding."

She shook her head in agreement and he took in the pale look of her face.

"How's your arm?" he asked.

"Hurts a little," she admitted.

He rose from his place on the edge of the bed and went into the bathroom to find her something to take for it. He returned with Advil and got her a glass of water and handed both to her.

"Thank you," she said softly as she handed the glass back to him.

"It's my job," he told her, a light smile on his lips.

"You were always good at it," she told him as she returned his smile.

Jim slipped into the spot next to her and for the first time since she had returned he pulled her into his arms, being mindful of her injury and held her as he had wanted to do for so long.

She clung to him, breathed in his scent and cherished every second. This was what she had been waiting on and it felt even better than she remembered. He shifted for a moment and managed to turn the lights off and then he readjusted his hold on her.

"Go to sleep," he told her, "I'm here, you're safe."

"Don't worry about Katie," she whispered sleepily, "She has a protector."

"I know;" he answered, "And I'm sure she's with him."

"I'm sure they weren't watching a movie earlier," she replied.

"I don't want to know," he answered.

For the first time in over a decade Johanna fell asleep in her husbands arms, but Jim remained awake, a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't seem to shake.

* * *

Across town Castle laid awake in his bed, and next to him once again was Kate Beckett, clad in a pair of leggings she had left behind the last time she had stayed and one of his tee-shirts. She was silent but he knew she was awake too despite the fact that dawn was only a few short hours away.

"I feel like the other shoe has dropped," she said softly, breaking the silence between them.

"We don't know for sure," he answered.

"It was too clean of a job, Castle," she replied, "You know that as well as I do. No prints, no shell casing, no witnesses, no surveillance footage, no gun. There's nothing except an open window and a picked lock. An amateur wouldn't have been so neat and neither would a gang member."

"Maybe they're getting smarter about cleaning up after themselves."

"Or maybe this is just the start of the next cycle," Kate answered, "It's been quiet for a year and now she's lit up their radar."

"But how could they have found out? Even if they were watching you, how would they know for sure who it is?"

"It's not hard to tell that she and I are related, Castle. I look too much like her not to be."

"You can look like anyone that you're related to, that doesn't necessarily make that person your mother."

"I don't know how they found out," she answered, "All I know is that I have a feeling that they did."

"She says she hasn't been threatened."

"That could change," she remarked.

"She did have a point about the aim," he argued in desperate attempt to make it be something other than what it appeared to be, "Why hit her in the arm when they had the opportunity…"

"I don't know!" she exclaimed in frustration as she pushed herself up into a seated position and leaned back against the headboard. "Maybe they want to play with her first, try and scare her off or something."

He thought of Mr. Smith and briefly toyed with the idea of telling her about him but ultimately decided against it. He hadn't heard from the man in months and really he had nothing to offer her that would be useful to her right now. Disclosure of his secret could end up pushing her away at a moment when he needed to stay close and keep her protected. He'd have to keep his secret awhile longer.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she whispered taking his silence as anger at her for lashing out at him frustration.

"Hey, no," he said as he tugged her towards him, allowing her to slid back down beside him and rest her head on his chest, "I was just thinking it over."

"What are we going to do?" she asked quietly.

"We're going to wait," he replied, "We wait and see what develops, right now we don't have anything."

"I know," she answered, "But should we dig back into the case?"

"No," he stated, his tone full of resolve.

She raised her head from its place on his chest and looked at him. "Why not?"

"Because I think it would be better to lay low for now; let's not set off any alarms and tip them off in case they are watching. If they're behind it then it's best they don't know we suspect it, and if they're not then we don't want to do anything to bring their attention back to you or your mom."

Kate thought over his statement and nodded, "You're right, it's probably best for all of us to keep a low profile until we know more."

"Exactly," Castle answered, feeling confident that he had steered her away from the case for the time being.

"Sorry our evening got ruined," she told him with a light smile.

"Don't worry about it," he replied, "Besides the first half of the night was good."

"Yeah, it was," she agreed.

"You have to take these things into account when you play spin the bottle with a cop who has a mother who escaped witness protection and then gets shot at on date night," Castle stated.

The comment would've been considered inappropriate by most people, but Kate laughed, knowing that that had been his goal. She knew that he took the situation as seriously as she did but he wanted to ease her worries and fears and he knew the best way to do that was by making her laugh. She gazed at him as his soft laughter faded and she slowly lowered her face to his and captured his lips in a kiss.

It was different this time, he thought as he kissed her back. The kisses they had shared earlier had been about passion and pent up longing and in some ways they seemed to be a gesture of making up for the rough spot they had been in; but this kiss was softer, layered with tenderness and a feeling that she was making some sort of promise to him. Eventually she pulled back and smiled before settling back against his chest.

"What was that for?" he asked as he wrapped an arm around her.

"It was still my turn," she replied.

He smiled in the darkness and toyed with a lock of her hair.

"I felt like a teenager who just got busted when your dad was grilling you about what you had been doing instead of answering the phone."

"Yeah, that was a little mortifying, and then she decides to defend me and it was like some weird flashback to high school."

"I think your mother thinks that more was going on than actually was," he commented.

"I know; that's even more mortifying."

Castle chuckled lightly and then told her, "Try and get some sleep, Kate."

She sighed, "I don't know if I can."

"Try," he stated, "Your dad is okay and your mother is fine. They're safe, you checked out the room yourself and at the moment we have no reason to worry more than we should, so go to sleep. I'm here."

"Always?" she asked, not knowing exactly why she needed to hear him say that word, but she did and she forced herself not to feel ashamed of it.

"Always," he repeated, tightening his hold on her.

He was still awake long after she had fallen asleep and in the silence as he held her he hoped that this would turn out to be some random incident like he had told her about, but that sick feeling was still in the pit of his stomach and it was hard to ignore.

_Authors Note: We'll find out if danger is catching up with Johanna in the next chapter and what that could mean for Kate._


	9. Chapter 9

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews; I'm so glad you guys are willing to along for the ride with this story! I hope you enjoy this chapter! It's a long one._

Chapter 9 – Whataya Want From Me

'_Yeah I'm afraid, whataya want from me?' - Adam Lambert_

The next morning Kate sat at the table, a plate filled with bacon and eggs in front of her and a mug of coffee within reach. Castle was sitting across from her, watching her discreetly as always and she knew that he was waiting for her eat but she couldn't just yet. She had a phone call to make first. With a small sigh she picked up the phone and hit her father's number and waited for him to answer.

"Did I wake you?" she asked when his sleep tinged voice answered on the fourth ring.

"Just a little," he answered. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Kate replied. "I just wanted to check in and make sure everything was fine with you."

"Everything's fine," Jim told her.

"Nothing out of the ordinary happened?" she questioned.

"No, no one bothered us."

"Good," she said as a bit of tension eased from her shoulders.

"Where are you?" Jim asked, and she thought she detected a hint of teasing in his voice which made her hesitate.

Her father laughed, "That's what I thought."

"It's not like that," she answered, knowing that he had figured that she had spent the night at Castle's.

"Of course not," he replied lightly and she blushed as her gaze caught Castle's.

She heard the tired voice of her mother in the background asking who he was talking to and she heard him reply, 'It's Katie.'

She knew that she had to inquire after her mother's well being but her tongue felt tied and she stumbled over her words before finally managing to ask, "Is she okay?"

"She's fine," her father answered. "Do you want to talk to her?"

Kate fell silent, she wanted to say no but she didn't want to upset her father again, especially when she still felt guilty for ignoring his call the night before, and then there was the feeling of fear she felt on her mother's behalf. She wasn't ready to let go of her anger and she couldn't make herself believe that speaking to her wouldn't change her feelings.

"Are you there, Katie?" Jim asked.

"I'm here," she answered.

"Do you want to talk to your mother?"

Once again she was silent, unable to come to acceptable conclusion that would keep the truce between her and her dad, and yet keep her feelings intact at the same time.

There was a light shuffling on the other end of the line and then Johanna's voice sounded softly in her ear.

"I'm fine, Katie."

She should say something, but she couldn't form any words and Castle was watching her with worry in his expression.

"Say something," her mother beckoned, "Anything," she almost pleaded.

Finally she forced her voice to work but she doubted it was the type of phrase her mother wanted to hear.

"I have to go," she stated and then she ended the call.

"Everything okay?" Castle asked once she put the phone aside and picked up her fork.

"They're fine," she answered.

"You sure?" he asked, "Because you didn't look like everything was fine."

"My dad is just determined," she answered.

"About what?"

"About wanting me to at least speak to her on the phone."

"Is that the reason for the silence?"

Kate nodded, "I was trying to think of an acceptable reason not to speak to her when he asked me if I wanted to but I couldn't think of anything and he just handed her the phone anyway."

"What did she say?"

"That she was fine and then she asked me to say something."

"And that was when you had to go?" he asked, recalling her final words of the conversation.

"Yeah…I just…I don't know…"

"It's alright, Kate," he stated. "It's awkward and you don't know what to say."

She stabbed the fork into her eggs and took a bite as she tried to put her thoughts back into a concentrated order.

"Think of it this way," Castle told her, "She got more out you with that statement than she ever has before with a phone call."

She laughed softly and looked at him with gratitude, "Thanks, Castle."

He nodded, "Eat your breakfast, everything's okay."

He continued to study her casually as she ate and he could tell that she wasn't as tense as before, and he had a feeling that it had something to do with hearing her mothers voice and knowing for certain that she was fine, despite the fact that she didn't want to have a conversation with her that lasted more than a few sentences.

* * *

Things were quite the first three days after the shooting and Johanna felt confident that it was a random incident after all and she began to breath easy once more. The fourth day however unnerved her. She had come out of the bathroom after taking a shower and saw a folded white square of paper on the floor in front of her door. Fear swam through her but she forced it down and walked towards it, picking it up and carrying back to the small desk that sat near the window. She hesitated before opening it, trying to convince herself that maybe it was from Kate, who obviously didn't want to converse with her face to face or on the phone, but she knew it wasn't and so she took extra care as she unfolded it, keeping her fingertips at the very edge of the paper.

'_**Go Back'**_ it said in bold black letters that had been typed across the paper.

Two words, that was all. No name, no explanation, nothing to say that it was necessary meant for her but she felt a nervous tingle slid down her spine and she refolded it and shoved it into the drawer of the desk. She didn't know who it was from or why, although she had a feeling but she wasn't going to pack up and run.

The next day a new note appeared, this time bearing the words _**'You still have a chance'**_.

The third day another letter appeared and it joined the two that rested in the drawer.

'_**Time is ticking'.**_

A fourth note was added to her collection and she tried hard to shove thoughts of them away. She didn't tell Jim, and she didn't mention it in the daily message she left on Kate's phone.

'_**Eventually you'll run out of luck'**_

The fifth note arrived about ten minutes before Jim knocked on her door and she just couldn't hide it from him anymore because this fifth note had shaken her more than the others.

'_**You'll wish you had stayed dead.'**_

Jim saw her agitated state and asked her what was wrong and she broke down and told him, and then pulled open the desk drawer and showed him the notes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"I just did," she replied.

"You know what I mean, why didn't you tell me before now? You said that you'd come to me!"

"I am!" she protested, "I'm telling you now, I guess I didn't tell you before because I didn't want you to worry or I was stupid enough to think that if I ignored it that it would go away."

Jim found an envelope and he placed the notes inside it and then tucked it in the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

"Get your shoes on," he told her.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Where do you think we're going, Johanna?"

She sighed heavily, "Shouldn't you call Katie first?"

Jim shook his head, "We'll see her when we get there, but be prepared, she isn't going to be happy that you've waited this long."

"I know," she answered as she slipped on her shoes and grabbed her purse.

He was angry at her himself for waiting this many days to tell him but he pushed the feeling aside and took her hand as they left the room. He had bigger things to worry about.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Castle asked as they drove back to the precinct to put their latest case behind them.

"Nothing's wrong," she answered as she glanced at him quickly.

"You don't seem like yourself today," he told her as he studied her profile.

"I just…"

"You just what?"

"I just have this feeling," she answered.

"What kind of feeling?"

"Like something isn't right," Kate said.

"About the case?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No, the case was open and shut. It's something else but I don't know what it is."

"Maybe you left something on at home," he suggested. "Like the coffee pot."

Kate laughed, "Why would I even bother to turn my coffee pot on when I know you're going to bring me a cup?"

"Good point," he answered. "Did you lock your door?"

"Yes."

"Did you forget your purse or your wallet?"

"No."

"Did you pay the rent?" he asked, his voice slightly teasing.

She laughed, "The bills are paid, Castle."

"Phone charged?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Hmm," he said, "That doesn't really leave much else. Your phone's charged, your bills are paid, the door is locked, the coffee pot is off, you have your purse and your ruggedly handsome partner is riding shot gun. What could possibly be left?"

She grinned as she looked at him, "I knew you'd work yourself into the equation somehow."

"So you're admitting that I'm ruggedly handsome?" he asked mischievously.

"I didn't admit any such thing," she answered.

"I think you did," he sing songed.

"Believe what you want," she replied in the same tone as he had used.

"So I'm free to believe that you want me?" Castle teased.

"I'm not even going to respond to that," she answered, a smile on her lips.

"I'll mark that down as an admission of truth."

"I'm sure you will."

"Feel better yet?" he asked.

"Nope, something's still off."

"Did your mom call today?" he asked.

She was a quiet as she replayed all the times she had checked her phone that day.

"No, she hasn't called yet."

"Maybe that's it," he answered, "Her daily phone message is a part of your routine now and she hasn't called yet and it's throwing off your sense of balance."

Kate wrinkled her nose as if she found the statement to be distasteful. "Why would that even matter though? It's not like I answer."

"It doesn't matter if you answer or not; it's become part of your daily life now."

"Yeah, but it's not like she calls at the same time everyday. She changes it up in hopes of catching me off guard."

"Maybe you're worried about her," Castle suggested.

"She's fine," Kate remarked, "I check in with dad everyday and he says that nothing has happened, everything's fine."

He shrugged, "Okay, it's not your mother."

Kate sighed, "Maybe it's just one of those days," she remarked, "Or maybe I'm just paranoid or something."

"It's possible," he told her, "You have had a lot of surprises lately."

She gave a nod of her head, "That's probably what it is, it's been quite the last several days and my brain is on guard for the next surprise."

"Maybe you're going to run into her somewhere," Castle said.

"Why are you convinced that my mother is behind this feeling?"

He shrugged, "Writer's intuition."

"That's a new one."

He smiled, "I stay up nights thinking of new things to say to you for your enjoyment."

Kate laughed, "I appreciate your dedication to keeping me entertained."

"I wouldn't do it for just anyone," he remarked.

"Is that your way of saying that I owe you?" she asked.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On what you're offering as payment," he said suggestively.

She shot him an amused glance before parking the car.

"Who knows, Castle, maybe one day you'll find out what forms of payment I can offer," she said somewhat seductively.

He looked at her, his expression almost serious and said, "Tease."

They laughed together and as they made their way into the precinct he bumped her elbow and said, "Don't worry; I'm sure everything is fine."

* * *

By the time they made their way to her desk and found Gates standing there with Ryan and Esposito, she knew that everything was far from fine and her stomach twisted as Castle's hand found its way to the small of her back for a brief second of comfort.

They allowed Gates and the boys to enter the office before them as they lagged behind.

"Surprise," Kate whispered as they walked towards the door.

"Maybe it's not something too bad," he replied. "Maybe she's just going to yell at us about something stupid."

"I could handle that," she answered as they both hesitated before going inside, looking like two school kids who had been called to the Principals office.

"Let's get it over with," she said as she opened the door and they stepped inside.

Her eyes landed on her father first, and then her mother sitting next to him. Kate cursed under her breath and turned to her partner.

"Déjà vu," she said softly.

"We have a problem," Gates said before Castle could say anything.

Kate nodded, "I had that feeling."

Gates explained the problem and then produced the notes, which were now in evidence bags, for Kate to examine.

She studied each of the five notes and then she turned to her mother, eyes blazing with fury.

"I asked you if you were being threatened!"

"I told you the truth," Johanna declared.

Kate threw the notes down on Gates' desk and put her hands on her hips. "Well I doubt they all showed up today."

"Everyday for the past five days," Johanna answered, although she was sure the Captain had mentioned it already.

"Everyday for five days," Kate repeated. "Every damn day you call my phone and leave a message, and not once did you mention this!"

Johanna looked at her in surprise, "You listen to the messages?"

"That's not the point," Kate said sharply. "What the hell have you been doing letting this go for five days!" she demanded to know.

"The first few didn't seem serious enough to warrant going to the police," Johanna answered even though she knew it was the wrong thing to say.

Kate scoffed, "How serious do you want it to be?" Do you need a gun pointed at your head before it's serious enough for you? If that's what you're waiting on than just let me go ahead and inform you that it will be a little too late then."

"Of course not, Katie," Johanna replied as she struggled to keep hold of her own temper.

"Beckett," Gates warned.

"Do you really think all of this is a coincidence?" Kate asked Johanna. "You have stitches in your arm from a bullet that was fired at you, and now notes telling you to leave and that your luck is going to run out, and you don't think that's serious!"

"Katie," Jim said, "She knows it's serious."

"Have you suffered some sort of brain damage during the last 13 years?" Kate asked, "Because you never used to be this stupid."

Before Jim could say a word, Johanna was on her feet and falling into the old familiar habit of pointing her finger at her daughter and saying, "Don't you speak to me that way, Katherine!"

"I'll speak to you any damn way I please."

"That's enough, Beckett," Gates said sternly as Castle put a hand on her arm and gently tugged her backwards away from the vicinity of her mother.

Gates then turned to the rest of the occupants of the room, "Why don't you all wait outside. I want to speak to Detective Beckett alone."

There it was again, Kate thought, that feeling of being a chastened child.

"Be calm," Castle whispered in her ear. "Don't get fired…Nikki needs you."

The statement dampened some of her anger and she relaxed enough to give him a hint of a smile as he followed the others out of the room.

"Look, Detective, I know that you're having a hard time with this but the fact of the matter is that she is in some sort of danger that we can't put a name on right now. We can't connect these notes to the shooting incident, and as you know we weren't able to get any leads from the shooting and I doubt any will be found through these notes. I don't have enough good cause to keep a constant watch on her but we can't just do nothing. She's being threatened and until we figure out who or what is behind this she needs to be protected."

"Can't you contact Agent Jenkins and have him escort her back to Wyoming?" Kate asked.

"She left their protection, they're no longer responsible for her safety, you know that Beckett."

"Then put her in a safe house," she replied.

"Oh I am, but not the kind you're thinking of."

"I don't like the sound of that."

* * *

In the bull pen, Johanna was seated at Kate's desk and Jim, Castle and the boys were hovering around it. Jim with a worried eye trained on his wife, and the boys and Castle each with an eye trained on Gates office and the spectacle that was visible through the blind that hadn't been closed all the way, and then they heard it.

"Are you out of your mind!" they heard Kate Beckett exclaim and they all looked at each other with wide eyed expressions.

Ryan and Esposito groaned and Castle rubbed a hand over his face.

"Did she really say that?" Castle asked.

The boys nodded, to stunned to speak and Johanna looked up at him and said, "That can't be good for her or me."

"I told her to be calm," Castle said more to himself than the others.

"So far she's still standing," Esposito stated now that he had found his voice, "And she hasn't handed over her gun yet, so maybe that's a good sign."

Back in the office Gates was regarding her with a raised eyebrow and Kate desperately wanted to rewind the last twenty seconds and shove those words back in her mouth.

"You might want to start thinking before you speak, Detective," her Captain warned.

"Sorry, Sir," she answered, "But she can't stay with me."

"Why not?"

"In case you haven't noticed, we don't exactly get along right now."

"I have a feeling that this problem of not getting along is more on your side than hers, she'd probably get along with you just fine if you'd cooperate a little."

"I don't see that happening anytime soon," Kate answered.

Gates gave her a sharp look, "I don't care if you get along with your mother or not, she's staying with you and that's an order."

"Why?" Kate demanded to know.

"Because it's my call to make, Detective, and I believe the best place for her is with you," Gates argued. "It gives us a way of operating under the radar. People won't think twice about you having a relative staying with you, and we won't announce her presence with round the clock patrol cars sitting in front of your building. I'll increase patrols in the area but they won't be staked out and of course you will be with her the majority of the time which gives her a constant source of safety."

Kate paced the floor, "What about my work here?"

"You can still do your job," Gates told her. "I'm not saying that you have to be locked in a room with her 24 hours a day but she needs to be in a place that is easy for us to keep secure and Ryan and Esposito can help with that under the guise of visiting a friend, and I'm sure Mr. Castle will be willing to lend you a hand as always. I do think it would be best however if you didn't leave her alone at night unless it was absolutely necessary, and of course if the need arises then we will assign units to cover the building."

"How long?"

"For however long it takes," she answered. "This is a part of you job, Kate, and you don't get to quit doing it just because it's inconvenient to you. I know what I'm asking isn't easy for you but you'll just have to get over it, and in return for your cooperation I'll allow you and your team to work this case as leads develop, instead of handing it over to someone who doesn't have an emotional involvement."

Kate struggled to remain calm as she said, "Fine, I'll have Ryan and Esposito take her back to the hotel so she can pack and if it's alright with you I'll go home and get my guest room ready."

Gates nodded "Let's call Ryan and Esposito in first and brief them on the situation and then you're free to go, and I'll even give you tomorrow to settle with this new arrangement."

She nodded instead of replying, because she wasn't sure she could make a response sound anything but sarcastic.

After the boys were briefed, the three of them made their way back to her desk where Castle was waiting with Jim and Johanna.

"Ryan and Esposito are going to go back to the hotel with you," Kate stated as she looked at her mother. "You're going to pack up your stuff and then they will bring you to my apartment."

"Your place?" Castle asked.

Kate nodded as she turned her attention to him,"Captain's orders."

Now he understood the comment she had made about Gates being out of her mind.

Her father looked even more worried now and she didn't bother to gauge her mother's reaction to the news.

"Castle, you come with me and help me get the guest room arranged. That is if you don't mind."

"I don't mind," he answered, knowing that she really just needed his company.

She then turned back to they boys, "Take them in the back way," she said as she nodded in her parents direction and then she glanced at her watch and saw that it was nearing six already.

"Let's get this over with before it gets much later," she stated as she pulled open her desk drawer and grabbed her purse before walking away, Castle following behind her.

"Guess you were right, Castle," she said as they stood in the elevator.

"About what?"

"The bad feeling, it was about her after all."

Later at her apartment, Castle helped her move boxes from the guest room and placed them in the hall closet and then she put clean sheets on the bed as he wiped dust from the top of the dresser and the nightstand.

"It's a good thing you got the two bedroom apartment instead of the one," he told her.

"Right now it seems like a curse."

He smiled at her sympathetically, "Why did you go for the two bedroom?"

She grinned at him, "Well I figured that I better just in case Martha and Alexis ever rebelled and put you out of the loft. I didn't want you showing up on my doorstep and not have somewhere to put you."

Castle laughed, "I'm touched."

"I figured you would be."

"You didn't have to go through the trouble of an extra room though," he told her "I could always just share with you."

She laughed lightly, "What you mean is that's what you'd prefer."

"We've done it before," he said recalling the recent occasions when she had slept next to him in his bed.

"But we hadn't when I got this place," she replied.

"So now it's an option?" he asked.

Kate shrugged, "What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't give you options?"

His brow raised and she knew where his mind was headed.

"Don't go there, Castle."

"But why?" he asked. "The dirty side of my mind is so much fun."

She laughed, "I have enough problems right now without you getting overly excited."

"Fine then," he said with a dramatic sigh, "We'll shelve the dirty talk for now."

"Popped your bubble again, didn't I?"

"Don't you always?" he asked as he helped her straighten the bed spread.

She turned quiet and her eyes clouded over once again. "How am I going to this, Castle?" she asked softly.

"The same way you do everything else," he told her.

"Suck it up and deal with it?" she asked.

He smiled at her, "I guess that's one way to put it."

"I don't know how I'm going to live with her."

"She's probably a little worried about that too," he answered as he recalled the look of slight panic on Johanna's face.

"I can't avoid her if she's in my apartment," she said as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

He sat down next to her and took her hand, "The days of avoiding her are over, Kate."

She squeeze her eyes shut, "I'm not ready."

"Ready for what?"

"I'm not ready to deal with her yet. I'm not ready to be in such close quarters with her."

"I don't think it's the fact that you're not ready, Kate," he said gently. "I think you're just afraid."

"Of what?"

"Of becoming attached to her again. You want distance because you want to protect yourself."

"What if I can't keep her safe?" she whispered.

"You will."

He saw the tears brimming in her eyes and he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

They stayed that way until a knock at her front door startled them and they pulled apart.

"It's going to be alright," he whispered.

"You'll come over a lot, won't you?" she asked.

Castle nodded, "Of course I will."

She gave him a small smile and then allowed him to lead her from the room as another knock sounded at the door and Esposito's voice followed.

"Beckett," he called.

"I'm coming," she answered as she unlocked the door and opened it.

Esposito and Ryan entered without hesitation, each of them carrying luggage and her father followed with more. Her mother looked at her as she remained standing in the hallway, clutching her purse and a medium sized black leather bag. Kate gestured for her to come in and she hesitated for a moment before she stepped across the threshold.

"Where do you want the bags?" Esposito asked.

"In the guest room," she answered as she took the bag from her mother's hand and walked off towards the hallway, the boys following her, and Castle bringing the bags that Jim had been carrying.

"I can't do this," Johanna whispered to Jim.

"It'll be alright," he told her. "She'll take care of you."

"I'm invading her space by being here and I'm putting her in danger."

"If Captain Gates thought that she would've put both of you somewhere else," Jim answered.

She didn't get a chance to answer because she heard four sets of footsteps headed back towards the living room.

Kate went back over everything that Gates had ordered with Ryan, Esposito and Castle.

"And don't forget," Esposito said with a smirk, "We'll be dropping by often to make sure everything is alright."

"You just love having orders to annoy me, don't you?" she asked as Castle wondered off in the direction of her parents.

"Of course we do," Ryan answered, "And it probably goes without saying that Castle will be hanging around more."

She smiled as her gaze landed on him as he conversed with her mother, "I'm used to it."

"Ryan and I are going to check all of your windows and make sure they're secure and then we'll get out of your hair for the night."

She nodded her permission and allowed them to roam her apartment just as Castle moved towards her.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get us some dinner, I'll be right back," he told her.

She felt someone's gaze on her and she turned to find her father watching her with a worried expression. She offered him a tentative smile and then went off in search of her friends.

Ryan and Esposito left after a short while, and Castle returned with food from Remy's for the four of them. They gathered around the table and endured an awkward dinner, although Jim and Castle tried to keep a conversation flowing. The women they were sharing the table with were uneasy, and only answered when necessary.

Finally Jim turned to Kate, "Do you want me to stay here tonight?" he asked.

Kate shook her head, "No, we'll be fine."

Castle would've made the same offer but he held back, figuring it would be best if Kate and Johanna got their first evening alone together out of the way so they could start getting used to each other. They lingered for awhile longer and then Castle and Kate gathered up the remains of their meal and tossed it in the trash. They migrated towards the living room and silence fell.

"I guess I better get going," Jim stated as he looked at his watch.

"Yeah, me too," Castle agreed.

Kate and Johanna stood a distance away from each other in the middle of the living room, shifting awkwardly as Jim and Castle prepared to leave.

Castle stepped towards Kate and pulled her into a hug.

"If you need me, call. I don't care what time it is or the reason. Just call, okay?" he whispered in her ear.

"I will," she replied as she held onto him tightly.

After a moment she let go and allowed her eyes to wander in her mother's direction. Her father had his arm around her and was whispering something in her ear as she nodded in agreement with whatever he was saying. He stepped away from her then and traded places with Castle.

Jim hugged his daughter and she fought a wave of emotion.

"I know that nothing about this situation is ideal," he whispered, "But try and give her a chance. You're stuck together for the time being, make the best of it."

"I can't promise you anything," she replied, "Except to protect her to the best of my abilities."

As Jim continued to speak in a hushed voice to Kate, Castle stood off to the side with Johanna, who wore the same worried and tense look as her daughter. He wanted to try and ease the woman's discomfort, if only for Kate's sake.

"Don't worry," he whispered with a smile, "She had a lot of coffee today, and I made sure she got all of her favorite fast food for dinner, she should be relatively docile for the rest of the evening."

She smiled slightly and gave him a look of disbelief. "You think so?" she asked.

"It's possible," he answered. "Just hang in there."

"Is that how you've managed to stay around?" Johanna asked.

Castle smiled, "It helps to keep showing up," he told her, "And like I said before, she's used to me pulling her pigtails."

"How long did it take you to learn how to do that the right way?" she questioned.

"It took awhile," he admitted, "But it's like that old adage, 'good things come to those who wait'."

"I hope I'm as fortunate as you have been," she answered as she cast a glance at her daughter who was giving her father a stubborn look.

"Just don't give up on her," he said quietly.

"Never," Johanna answered.

"She'll come around when she's ready."

Jim had stepped away from Kate by then and Castle moved to join him at the door. They stood side by side and looked at the women they loved.

"You sure you don't want me to stay?" Jim asked Kate.

Kate forced a smile to her lips, "It's not necessary."

Jim looked to Johanna who put on her own unconvincing smile, "We'll be fine."

"Call if you need anything," Castle stated once again, and Jim uttered the same statement before they exited the apartment.

As they stood in the elevator together Jim turned to Castle and asked "Did you see the looks on their faces?"

"You mean that 'I'm smiling and pretending everything is fine so you don't have to stay, but I really, really don't want to be alone with her' look?" he asked.

Jim laughed lightly, "Yeah, that's the one."

Castle nodded, "I might have noticed."

"Do you think they'll be alright?"

"They'll be fine, Gates has increased patrols and Esposito told me that he and Ryan have called in favors to friends to keep an extra eye on things."

"I didn't mean that," Jim answered, "Although I'm glad to know it. I meant do you think they'll be alright being alone together?"

Castle thought about it for a moment, "Kate will be," he answered. "The real question is will she call me for bail money or will she be stubborn about it."

Jim laughed despite himself, "Thanks, Rick that really eases my mind."

Castle laughed, "They'll be okay. There might be some yelling if the wrong button gets pushed but they'll make it."

"Guess we'll find out tomorrow," Jim answered as the elevator doors opened and they disembarked.

Back in Kate's apartment, the two women remained rooted in place, staring at the closed door. Kate blew out a breath and then stepped forward and locked the door. The silence that had descended crackled with tension. It was easier when Castle was with her, she thought, but she couldn't ask him to stay and now it was just her…and her. Just the two of them locked in an apartment together.

"Give me strength," she silently prayed before she walked back across the room and grabbed the remote off of the coffee table. She flopped down on the sofa and clicked the television on. Her mother remained standing as she casted a wary gaze in her direction.

"Sit," Kate said quietly, never taking her eyes from the screen where she was flipping channels.

Johanna bypassed the chairs and took a seat on the opposite end of the sofa. When she wasn't told to move, and Kate made no attempt to relocate, she figured that her daughter was willing to tolerate a little proximity. There was still silence between them, a chasm of distance far greater than the open space between them on the sofa. It seemed hopeless, this situation between them and she hoped that one day she would be able to get past the barriers that Kate had put between them.

Perhaps Jim was right in some ways. Maybe she had come back expecting to find the girl she had left behind, and instead she had found this woman, who looked and sounded like her daughter, but was a stranger to her. Now she was in danger and Kate forced into the position of her protector all because of her selfish need to be with her family, but there was no turning back now. She had come home with the goal of ensuring that her daughter would stop her pursuit of justice and that she would be safe, but all her actions had done was thrust both of them back into the heart of the matter and that would be her cross to bear.

She wanted to reach across the vacant cushion between them and take the hand of her child but she didn't dare. Maybe one day when Kate wasn't so angry with her, maybe one day when they had found some kind of common ground she'd be able to do so, but today wasn't that day. All she could do now was try and make some type of effort at reconciling with her in some way.

Kate landed on an episode of 'Temptation Lane' and she laid the remote aside. From the corner of her eye she caught a hint of a smile on her mother's face as she realized what they were watching.

"You still watch?" Johanna asked quietly.

"Yeah," she answered, "Sometimes."

They fell into silence once again, allowing the program to fill the air and dampen the unease. Kate's phone buzzed and she picked it up from the stand and to read the new text from Castle.

'_Doing okay?' _he asked.

'_I'm fine,' _she answered.

'_And your mother?'_

Kate rolled her eyes, _'I locked her in the closet.'_

A moment later the phone rang.

"I was joking Castle," she said as she accepted the call.

"You sure?" he asked and she wasn't sure if he were baiting her in effort to boost her spirits or if he seriously thought she had resorted to such a tactic already.

"Yes!" she exclaimed.

"I had to check," he replied, "Who knows what kind of brouhaha could've taken place since I left."

"Brouhaha?" she asked with a laugh, "Who even says that?"

"Those of us who are literary genius's," he remarked, laughter in his own voice.

"Keep telling yourself that," she told him.

"So your mother isn't locked in a closet?" Castle asked.

"Hold on," Kate said and then she held the phone out to her mother who looked at her in confusion as she accepted the phone.

"Hello," she said.

Her daughter's friend laughed on the other end of the line, "Are you locked in the closet?" he asked.

"No," she answered as she cast a glance at Kate. "Is that something I should be worried about?"

"Probably not," he answered, "But to be on safe side keep your phone with you at all times so you can call someone to let you out if she does."

"Thanks for the advice," she told him before handing the phone back to Kate.

"Satisfied?" Kate asked Castle.

"That sounded dirty," he teased, 'And right in front of your mother too."

She couldn't help but laugh, "Shut up," she stated, a smile remaining on her lips.

Johanna smiled as she listened to her laugh. It was a sound she had missed.

"Remember," Castle told Kate, "That you can call for anything, even if it's just to talk at two in the morning."

"I know, Castle," she replied. "I'm just glad that…" she trailed off, not wanting to go into that conversation, especially with her mother sitting near by.

He knew what she had been thinking and he responded to it. "I'm here," he stated once more so it would be engrained in her mind.

"I know," she said softly, "Always."

They talked a moment more and then they ended their call and she placed her phone back on the stand. She felt somewhat awkward, knowing that her mother had heard her end of the conversation.

"He's nice," Johanna stated as she turned her head in Kate's direction.

"Yeah, he's…great," she replied as she toyed with the hem of her shirt and kept her gaze glued to the TV screen.

"You two seem close," she said gently as she gently probed the topic.

Kate nodded, "We're close."

"Are you…"

"No," she interrupted. "We're just friends."

"What makes you think I was going to suggest otherwise?" Johanna asked.

"Everyone always does."

"What does that tell you?"

"It doesn't tell me anything that I don't already know," Kate replied, a bit of annoyance in her voice.

"Why is that?" Johanna questioned.

"What?" Kate asked in confusion.

"Why are the two of you just friends; there's obviously something there between the two of you."

Kate turned her head in her mother's direction, "Seriously?"

It was Johanna's turn to be confused and she asked, "What?"

"Do you really think we're going to have this conversation?" Kate asked.

She shrugged, "I thought it was going well."

"Think again."

Her mother sighed, "Your father told me I should try and find things to talk to you about."

"That's not one of them," she answered.

"Alright," Johanna said, "I'll put it on the list of topics we can't discuss right now."

"Good choice."

"Can I try a different topic?"

Kate shifted her attention back to the screen, "Knock yourself out, Meg."

Johanna smiled slightly and allowed the dig to slide without comment.

"How do you like being Nikki Heat?" she asked.

"I've gotten used to it," Kate replied. "How do you like being Meagan Stevens?"

Johanna bit the inside of her cheek and took the jab. Kate was angry and she had to deal with that, and she felt that she could as long as she was willing to vent instead of remaining silent.

"I don't like it at all but I got used to it."

"Good for you."

Her mother sighed, "Katie."

"Don't."

"Does it have to be this way?" she asked. "Can't we even have a conversation?"

"We are having a conversation," Kate answered.

"You know what I mean!" she snapped without meaning to, "I want us to be able to discuss things without you shutting me down.

"What do you want from me!" Kate all but yelled.

"I want you to try and understand, just like I'm trying to understand you. I want you to stop acting like I'm the enemy!"

"I don't want your explanations," Kate stated. "I get the 'why' of the situation, I don't need it beat into my head."

"If you really understood, you wouldn't act this way," Johanna argued.

"You're the one who doesn't get it!" Kate exclaimed. "You can't just come back after all of this time and expect things to be the same!"

"I don't expect that!"

"Yes, you do. You think I'm still nineteen and that you're my best friend, well that's not how it is. I'm all grown up now and everything I thought I knew about you is a lie, which doesn't make you a friend of mine."

"Not everything you know about me is a lie," Johanna remarked as she blinked away the sting of tears.

"I can't trust you."

"Maybe if we could just talk it through."

"I'm not one of your clients that you're making a case for," Kate told her.

Johanna nodded, "You've already convicted me."

"No you did that all on your own."

"Is this how it's going to be between us, Katie?"

"Looks that way."

"Can't you even try and give me a chance?"

"My priority and my job is to keep you safe, not have a bonding experience," Kate informed her.

"I never meant to hurt you," Johanna stated.

"Well you did!" Kate exclaimed, "But it doesn't matter anymore."

"Of course it matters," Johanna replied.

Kate got up from the sofa, "I'm going to take a shower."

Johanna watched her as she stalked away, leaving her alone. She released a breath and willed her emotions to be stable. She could accept the anger, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. She closed her eyes as she heard the sound of the shower being turned on. Nothing about this situation was good but at least she had gotten more than a few words out of her daughter and that was a start.

A half hour later her daughter returned to the room, looking calmer than when she had left it but Johanna said nothing, not wanting to upset the balance again. Kate retook her place on the sofa and after a few moments she spoke.

"I put out clean towels for you."

"Thank you," Johanna replied and then she took her turn to flee the unease of the living room.

She gathered her belongings and then retreated into the bathroom, the smell of cherry scented shower gel surrounding her and she smiled.

'Still cherries,' she thought to herself, a small feeling of relief taking root within her at the knowledge that her daughter was still the same in one respect, her love of cherry scented bath products.

After her shower she retreated back to the living room to rejoin Kate. They didn't speak as they sat on the sofa, allowing the television to fill the void of silence. It was almost midnight when Kate rose from her seat once again, this time to recheck the locks on the door and then she turned to her mother.

"I'm going to bed."

"Me too," she answered as she picked up the remote and clicked off the TV and then moved towards the hallway while Kate turned off the lights. Johanna then retreated to the open doorway of the guest room and Kate followed behind her.

"Do you have everything you need?" Kate asked quietly.

"Yes," her mother replied, "I'm fine."

Kate nodded, "If you need anything…you know where to find me," she said as she gestured towards her own bedroom door.

Johanna gave her a small smile, "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight," Kate replied as she moved towards her bedroom.

They both laid awake for hours, wondering how they'd deal with this impossible situation they had found themselves in and neither one of them came up with a clear conclusion. Kate knew she had a job to do and that was to keep her mother safe, and that had to come before anything, including Johanna's feelings; and as Johanna laid awake all she could think of was that she had to keep trying, because she didn't want to die without making some kind of peace with her daughter.


	10. Chapter 10

_Authors Note: Sorry for the delay everyone, real life interrupted, but this is a long one so hopefully that makes up for the wait. Thanks for your reviews as always, they keep me motivated! I hope you enjoy this chapter, there's some humor mixed in so I hope you like it!_

Chapter 10- Crazy

'_Come on now, who do you think you are, bless your soul, you really think that you're in control, Well I think you're crazy ,just like me' –Gnarls Barkley_

The next morning Johanna was up and dressed long before she heard Kate begin to stir in the room across the hallway. She hadn't slept well, in fact she'd spent the last few hours trying to think of a way to ease the tension between herself and her daughter and the only conclusion she had come to was to cook breakfast. It didn't seem like much, or a gesture that would go far, but breakfast had always been the meal they were guaranteed to share while Kate was growing up, and there were many times when their morning meal afforded her the chance to make apologies whenever she took a wrong turn in her parenting, and on some occasions when her daughter knew that she had been wrong she had made some apologies of her own.

She slipped quietly from her room, as she heard Kate enter the bathroom and she made her way through the apartment, pausing to observe the area of the floor around the door, looking for the now familiar sight of a neatly folded square of white paper but she found nothing, which allowed her to breathe somewhat easier. She continued her journey into the kitchen and flipped on the lights before opening up cupboard doors and drawers in search of utensils and pots and pans. Johanna located what she needed and set the items on the stove and then she moved toward the refrigerator and opened the door.

The sight inside Kate's refrigerator was enough to shock her and her jaw fell open momentarily as her eyes took in the sight of fast food cartons that were packed onto the shelves, along with a few cans of soda and bottles of water. She searched through the items, hoping to find something she could use but all she managed to find were eggs that were out of date, and a package of what she assumed used to be bacon, and a half a loaf of bread that appeared to be growing mold. The more she searched the worse it seemed to get as she came across limp celery and carrots that should've seen the trash can a week before. A half full gallon of orange juice seemed to be the only thing that was still good.

She heard Kate padding into the kitchen and she turned to her in horror.

"Good God, Katie!" she exclaimed.

"What?" she asked tiredly.

Johanna waved a hand towards the still open refrigerator, "This!" she replied, "What is this? Where are your groceries?"

"I haven't had time to go to the store," Kate told her, her defenses rising.

"Do you ever?" Johanna asked as her gaze landed on the package of bacon once again. "Do you even eat?"

"I order in," she replied sharply.

"I can see that," her mother remarked in disapproval, "My god, Katie! It's no wonder you're so skinny."

"There is nothing wrong with me!" Kate shot back.

"Except that you don't buy groceries," her mother replied.

Kate rolled her eyes, "And what is it that you need so badly?"

"Breakfast," Johanna replied sharply, "Perhaps you remember it; it's something you used to have on a daily basis."

"There's a box of cereal in the cabinet," Kate answered.

"I wasn't planning on cereal, and besides you don't have any milk for in it."

"Eat it without milk," Kate replied, "I do."

"How can you live like this?" Johanna asked as she looked back at the atrocious nature of the fridge.

She had always known that her mother would disapprove of how she lived in regards to her eating habits, her mother had always been of the belief that one must keep a well stocked kitchen and that home cooked meals were best, and that restaurant food was for special occasions or hectic days that didn't allow for much time in the kitchen.

"I taught you how to cook," Johanna declared, "I taught you how to go to the market and buy groceries."

"I don't have time to cook," she answered, her patience already wearing thin.

"I know you're busy," her mother remarked, "But this is ridiculous."

"Look, we'll go out for breakfast if it's such a big deal," Kate stated tersely.

"You know I don't like eating fast food for breakfast."

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed in irritation as she slipped her phone from her pocket.

* * *

When Castle answered his phone all he heard was yelling.

"Kate," he said, but his voice went unheard as the women on the other end of the line continued to bicker.

"Kate," he said again as he heard Johanna making the statement, 'You weren't raised like this!'."

Martha and Alexis could hear the argument that was taking place on the phone from their seats at the counter.

"What's going on?" Martha asked.

Castle shrugged, "Mother-Daughter bonding?"

"If that's the sound of how they bond, I'd hate to hear them fight," Martha replied.

"Kate!" he yelled into the phone, finally catching her attention.

"What!" she exclaimed, obviously still in fight mode.

"You called?" he asked as he dropped his voice back down to its normal tone.

"Yeah, I did, sorry," she answered.

"I take it we're off on the wrong foot this morning?" he replied.

"You could say that," she told him as Johanna mumbled something in the background that provoked a reaction from Kate with the statement of, 'No you didn't teach me any better'."

"Kate," Castle said once more, drawing her attention back to him, "You haven't had your coffee yet this morning have you?"

"No, I haven't had my coffee yet!" she exclaimed, irritation coloring her voice, "It's barely after eight and I walk into my kitchen and get ambushed by Meg the merry homemaker!"

He tried not to laugh, really he did but it slipped out anyway, keeping him from hearing the remark Johanna had made in regards to the statement.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Meg gets cranky if she doesn't have a selection of breakfast food," Kate answered.

"Oh, let me guess," Castle said, "Your mother has discovered the Styrofoam temple in your fridge."

"Yes," she told him, "And she's on the verge of a stroke over it. Please tell me that you breakfast at your place."

"There is always breakfast here," he replied, "Do you want me to bring it to you or do you want to come here?"

"We'll come to you, if you don't mind," Kate answered, "That way I can get her away from my refrigerator; she seems to be under the impression that if she keeps looking at it the contents will magically change."

"Come on over," he told her, "I'll make breakfast and I'll have your coffee ready when you walk through the door."

"Thanks, Castle."

"No problem," he answered, "I should've thought to check your fridge before she got there."

"That's alright," she replied, "I'll just have to go grocery shopping today."

"I'll see you in a little while," he told her.

"We'll be over shortly," she said before ending the call.

"Well?" Martha asked when he placed his phone back on the counter.

"Johanna has just discovered that her little girl is a fast food junkie and has a poor selection of groceries and she isn't taking the news well."

"And I assume Kate hasn't taken that reaction well," Martha replied.

He nodded, "She is un-caffeinated and unhappy…a very bad combination."

"Sounds like both of them are unhappy," Alexis remarked.

"Happiness is not reigning supreme in that household," he agreed, "Which is why the bickering Beckett's are coming over for breakfast."

"This should be good," Martha commented.

"I'm sure it will be."

"A much as I'd like to meet Beckett's mom," Alexis stated, "I think I'd rather do it when they're not fighting so I'm going to go ahead and head over to Paige's since I'm supposed to be meeting her in a little while anyway."

Castle kissed her cheek, "Good choice. How about you, Mother? Are you going to hide or are you sticking around?"

"I'm staying right here," Martha declared.

"Very brave of you," he replied.

He waited awhile before he began to prepare breakfast for Kate and her mother, giving them time to be on their way. He knew when they had arrived, even before they made it to the door.

"Don't do this here!" he heard Kate warning.

"That doesn't sound good," Martha said as she caught his gaze.

"There's still time for you to take refuge," he replied.

"No way."

He moved towards the door, the argument still in full swing on the other side and he quickly pulled the door open and ushered them inside.

"You didn't even give me a chance to knock," Kate told him.

"No need," he replied, "I heard the two of you getting off of the elevator."

She cringed as she realized how loud they had been and she cast a glance at her mother and saw that she too wore a look of embarrassment over the situation.

"Sorry," they both murmured at the same time.

"Don't worry about it," he said as he lead the way to the table and then introduced Martha and Johanna before hurrying back into the kitchen to fill Kate's mug with coffee.

Kate was lingering near the counter, texting her father their whereabouts and letting him know that they'd be grocery shopping that morning, leaving her mother at the table with Martha.

Martha had been waiting for Kate to come to the table so she could greet her but when she didn't make an approach, she rose from her seat and walked towards her, arms open to embrace her as always and Kate welcomed the affection and accepted her hug without hesitation.

Castle glanced at Johanna as she watched her daughter readily step into his mother's embrace, and he could see the hurt in her face and the longing in her eyes.

"Hang in there, kiddo," Martha told her softly.

"I'm trying, Martha," she answered as she pulled away from the older woman.

Martha could easily read the agitation in Kate's body language and she wanted to defuse the situation for her in some way.

"Why don't you take your coffee and go into Richard's office for a few moments and calm down," she gently suggested, "We'll look after your mother."

Kate looked to Castle who nodded in agreement and handed her the mug of hot coffee which she accepted and then quietly walked off towards his office.

Johanna had remained quiet as she watched the scene between Martha and her daughter and her heart had twisted painfully. She couldn't help but feel stung by the fact that Kate so easily accepted affection from someone else's mother instead of her, despite their troubles. Martha rejoined her at the table and carried on a polite conversation with her as Rick finished breakfast, and she could tell that Martha was a lovely person and she enjoyed her company, but that sting of rejection lingered and festered inside of her.

Castle had just set a plate before her when Kate emerged from the office and rejoined them, looking slightly more at ease than she had before.

"Breakfast is ready," he told her as she took a seat next to Martha.

"I'm not really hungry, Castle, I'm fine with coffee."

"But she'll humor us and eat some of it anyway, just like last time," Martha stated "Isn't that right, dear?"

Kate looked at Castle's mother and wondered briefly why it was that she could never say no to her. She thought that maybe it had to do with respect and she considered that as an acceptable answer as she nodded and said, "Yeah, I guess so."

Kate and Johanna both tried to participate in the conversation as best they could but the underlying tension remained and it felt slightly awkward.

Johanna felt out of place, despite their attempts to make her feel welcome and she knew that Kate was still irritated with her as she was tapping her fingers against the table, a habit of hers that had always drove her crazy.

"Stop it, Katie," she said, the old familiar saying slipping from her lips before she could swallow it.

"What?" her daughter asked defensively.

"Tapping your fingers," she told her, "You know that drives me crazy."

"And god forbid if something drives Johanna Beckett crazy," Kate remarked hotly as her palm thudded against the table.

"Relax," Castle stated, "It's alright, everyone has nervous habits."

"Yeah, I know," Kate said, "I seem to recall someone who used to tap her foot constantly…in fact she's doing it right now."

Johanna narrowed her eyes, a look Castle recognized as belonging to Kate, and the soft noise he had been hearing from under the table ceased.

"Sorry," she stated, "You should've said something."

"I just did."

Castle and Martha started up a new line of conversation and the Beckett women joined in as before and after a few minutes Kate began unconsciously tapping her fingers again, her fingernails creating a rhyme against the wood table that had Johanna gripping her coffee cup a little tighter.

Martha caught the look on her face and she carefully put her hand over Kate's and gently stilled her fingers before another war erupted. Kate looked at her and Martha smiled at softly. After a moment Kate turned her hand so that she could grip Martha's for a brief second and then she pulled her hand away and griped the side of her chair instead of allowing her hand to rest on the table.

"When are you going grocery shopping?" Castle asked as he tried to make Kate talk a little more.

"When we leave here," she replied before falling silent again.

"Richard," Martha said, "Since it seems as though they have a lot of shopping to do, perhaps you should go along and help carry the bags."

He knew that was code for 'go along and make sure they don't do bodily harm to each other in public' and he nodded as he looked to Kate.

"I'd be more than happy to tag along, if you want," he stated.

She smiled at him, "Please do."

"Is that okay with you?" he asked Johanna.

"Of course."

"Okay then," he answered with a smile in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Who gets to call shotgun?"

"You do," both Kate and Johanna said at the same time.

"That was spooky," Castle stated.

Martha chuckled, "The two of them do sound very similar in tone, don't they?"

"Not really," Kate answered before Castle had a chance.

"Oh I think so," Martha told her, "Especially when you both speak at once."

"On that note, I think it's time to go shopping," Kate answered as she pushed away from the table and carried her plate to the sink.

* * *

They headed to the market without much fanfare and he hoped that was a sign that the bickering was over but he was soon proven wrong as they began to argue over the best way to choose produce. He broke up the disagreement and pushed them forward.

"If you both behave yourselves, I'll buy each a sucker," he told them.

They each smirked at him but they fell quiet for the next two aisles and then Kate made a remark about what she perceived as her mother's prissiness, and Johanna of course had to defend herself.

"That's it," Castle stated, "No suckers for either of you."

They continued to make snide remarks to each other, and Castle had a feeling that Johanna was lashing out due to Kate's acceptance of his mother rather than her and he was about to put an end to the argument once more when Jim called and distracted them, getting a brief summary from each of them about their morning which led him to ask to speak to Castle and when Kate handed him the phone Jim said, "Hang in there Rick, I'll be over later to keep them in line and give you a break."

Castle had laughed and told him he looked forward to seeing him and then he handed the phone back and Kate ended the call.

"What was that about?" she asked him.

"Nothing, really," he replied, "He was just letting me know that he'd be over later to keep you girls in line."

"Is that right?" both Kate and Johanna said at the same time.

Castle laughed, "You know it's funny how in sync the two of you are despite your discord."

"Were not in sync at all," Kate declared as she maneuvered the cart down the next aisle.

They fell quiet and Castle once again hoped that they had run out of steam.

He then noticed Kate intently studying a display of duct tape and she had a suspicious gleam in her eyes as if she were thinking something she shouldn't be, and her mouth was turned up in the slightest hint of a smile.

"Kate," he said lightly.

"What?"

"You want to tell me why you're so fascinated with that display of duct tape?" he asked.

She glanced at him, "No reason."

"She's imagining it being over my mouth," Johanna commented.

Kate's eyes narrowed slightly as they landed on her mother. "She always did fancy herself a mind reader," she stated.

"And I'm rarely ever wrong where your mind is concerned," her mother replied with a smile.

"She's wrong this time, isn't she?" Castle asked as her eyes darted back to the tape.

Kate shrugged, "We all have our fantasies," she answered.

"Oh?" he asked, "Am I in any of yours?"

A sly smile spread across her lips and she once again began to push the cart forward.

"Wait," he said, "You can't just smile like that and then walk away without answering!"

"Sure I can."

"But that's not fair!" he protested, "If you tell me one of yours, I'll tell you one of mine."

"I didn't ask to know yours," she replied.

"I'm willing to share anyway," he told her.

"I'm not saying anything."

"I'll convince you," he said confidently.

"If you do," Johanna said, "Do it when I'm not in earshot, I don't want to know."

"Right," he answered, "Moving on."

Castle steered them down the aisle that contained books and magazines.

"This is a good aisle for the two of you," he stated.

"Why is that?" Johanna asked.

"Because I think it would be a good idea for you both to stock up on reading materials," Castle answered.

"Why?" Kate asked as she scanned the magazine titles.

"Because," he replied, "If you're reading you may not be so inclined to argue with one another."

"What you really mean," Johanna stated, "Is that it cuts down on the need for conversation."

Castle nodded, "That too."

Her mother frowned, "I'm trying to build up the need for conversation."

"I understand that," he replied, "But so far it hasn't gone well, so maybe while reading a book or magazine maybe you'll stumble across something the two of you can discuss without yelling at each other."

"I see your point," Johanna answered as she joined Kate at the display.

Kate shook her head as she plucked magazines from the shelf and threw them into the buggy.

"What?" he asked her.

"Nothing," she replied, "I was just thinking that maybe you should get a job with the U.N. and broker a few peace treaties."

He considered the thought for a moment as both women continued to add books and magazines to the cart.

"I probably couldn't do any worse than the people who already hold those positions," he answered.

"Probably not," Kate agreed as she took her place at the handle of the cart.

"Oh, I got an even better idea," he announced.

"I can't wait to hear it," Kate answered as her mother continued to browse.

He grinned, "How about 'Castle for President'."

Kate laughed and he saw a smile slide across Johanna's lips as she read the back of a book.

"I can just see it now," Kate stated, "You'd be inviting foreign heads of state to poker games at the White House and declaring national holidays in honor of yourself."

"Don't be jealous," he replied, "I'll declare a holiday for you too."

"Really?" she asked, "What will you call it?"

"Kate Beckett day?" he said and she laughed.

"Wow for a writer that's so unoriginal," she told him.

"How about 'National worship your muse day'?" he asked.

Kate rolled her eyes as her mother laughed, "You just lost my vote."

"Alright," he answered, "Forget the holiday, how about a statue?"

She shook her head, "No thanks."

"I'll think of some tribute for you," he told her, "I won't leave you behind as I take the helm of this great nation of ours."

"You're so certain that you'd win the election," Kate commented.

"How could I not win?" he asked, "I have the x factor."

"Who told you that?" Johanna asked.

"My mother," he answered.

"That's what I thought," she replied.

He turned his attention back to Kate, "I'd let you be my bodyguard, but I have to give those jobs to Ryan and Esposito, and besides the uniforms aren't sexy."

Kate glared at him playfully and Johanna turned to face him, "You do realize that I'm her mother, right?"

He nodded, "I was there for the reading of the DNA," he said quietly.

"Also known as the day my life officially went to hell in a fancy handbag," Kate stated.

"Anyway," Castle said before that comment escalated into another argument, "I figure I can make Lanie the Surgeon General."

"Even though she's an M.E.?" Kate asked.

"Who better to tell people what could kill them," he answered.

She considered it for a second, "Good point."

"My writer friends can be my advisors, along with Alexis of course."

"What about Gates?" Kate asked, "Any plans for her?"

Castle smiled at her, "I'll make her an ambassador to some far way country where she can no longer torment you."

Kate looked at him with affection, "You just re-won my vote."

"And I know what you can do with Katie," Johanna spoke.

"What's that?" he asked.

"She can be First Lady."

"I'm going back and look at that duct tape again," Kate announced, but Castle wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held her in place.

"No," he said excitedly, "That's a great idea; I can see us now, waving to our admirers…"

"Oh god," she mumbled.

"Our pictures on the covers of magazines with the captions 'Hottest President and First Lady in history'."

"You've just slipped into a whole new realm of delusion," she told him as she began to push the cart once more.

"You know you like the idea," he teased, "You know you're thinking about which designer to get to make your gown for the inaugural ball."

She laughed, "If that's what you want to believe."

"I bet it's one of your fantasies," he remarked, his eyes twinkling merrily.

"You got me, Castle," she stated, "Every night I fantasize about marrying you and helping you become President."

He grinned, "It is the first step in world domination."

"Now you're taking over the world?" she asked.

"If the Presidency goes well I'd consider it," he answered.

"What's your campaign slogan going to be, Rick?" Johanna asked.

He smiled at her, "With Castle there's no hassle."

Kate burst into laughter, "I'm going to have to beg to differ on that one."

"That's no surprise," he told her, "But since I'm making you First Lady I'm sure you can overlook it."

"A good First Lady would," she agreed.

"That's right," he replied, "You'll overlook things and you'll dress sexy."

"I didn't agree to that," she told him.

"You will," he told her, "I'll work my charm on you."

"You think I'm so easily charmed?" she asked him.

"Well I'm still here, aren't I?" Castle asked.

"I wasn't aware that charm has anything to do with it."

"Of course it does, my charm, my good looks, my insight, my compassionate nature, my kindness, my generosity, the list goes on and on."

"It's good to know that you won't be a conceited President, Rick," Johanna remarked as they picked up a few last things.

"Are you making fun of me?" he said teasingly to Kate's mother.

She smirked, "Would I do that to the man who is going to make my daughter First Lady?"

"I think it's highly possible," he replied.

She nodded, "Me too."

"I'm telling Jim on you," he told her.

Johanna laughed, "Go ahead."

They headed towards the checkout and Johanna turned to Kate, "I'll pay for half."

"No you won't" Kate replied tartly.

"Yes, I will, you wouldn't be buying all of this if I wasn't with you."

"That's beside the point."

"I'll pay my share," she stated once again.

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I said so!" Kate exclaimed.

"That used to be my line."

"Not anymore."

"I don't expect you to support me while I'm staying with you," Johanna told her.

"It's my apartment, my kitchen, my groceries, I'll pay," Kate argued.

"Can you stop being stubborn for five minutes?" Johanna asked.

"No, I guess I can't."

"Ladies," Castle stated, "Let's tone it down."

"You're worse now than when you were a teenager!" Johanna remarked.

"That's probably because I liked you back then."

Johanna's teeth sunk into her bottom lip momentarily, "I know you don't like me now, but I still love you."

"Yeah, right."

"And I'm going to pay half rather you like it or not."

Kate glared at her, "I don't want your money and I won't touch anything you pay for."

"That's real mature, Katie."

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that."

"I have a solution," Castle stated, "I'll pay for all of it if you go back to not arguing with one another."

"No!" they both stated at the same time.

"Fine," he said as he looked at Kate, "Then I'm going to take your mother over there and have a word with her," he told her as he pointed to the front of the store.

"You do that," Kate responded as she began to unload the buggy.

Castle gently grasped Johanna's elbow and led her away from Kate.

"Okay," he said, "You're both having a bad morning, I get that but one of you has to know when to stop and that person is probably going to have to be you."

Johanna looked at him, her jaw tight with frustration, "It's bad enough that I'm invading her home, she shouldn't have to pay my way."

"I understand that you feel that way," he replied, "Kate doesn't like anyone doing her too many favors either but you have your fist wrapped around her pig tails and you're yanking too hard, let go."

"But…"

"Let it go," he stated, "She can afford a cart full of groceries."

She turned her head away for a moment and then she nodded in defeat.

"One more piece of advice," he said to her.

"What?"

"Never piss her off before she has her coffee, she's very cranky without her caffeine and if you make her mad before she has it, none of us are going to have a good day. Trust me, I know," he told her.

"More personal experience?" she asked him.

"Yes, and it wasn't pretty."

"I'll try to avoid making her angry pre-coffee," Johanna stated.

"Good, we're all settled then," he replied as he led her back to the register where Kate was being waited on.

"Good news," he announced, "You get to pay."

She looked at him, "There was never any doubt in my mind about that."

"But now it's official," he told her.

The cashier scanned the bottles of wine and looked from Kate to Johanna and then back to Kate again.

"Mother visiting?" she asked.

"Yeah," Kate replied unhappily.

"I feel your pain," the woman told her, "I just sent mine back to Chicago last week and I'm not afraid to admit that I popped open a cheap bottle of champagne to celebrate her departure."

Kate smiled at her, "When it's time for her to go I'm going to splurge on an expensive bottle."

Johanna opened her mouth to say something but Castle raised a hand and silenced her, "Let it go," he said, "And I'll make sure you get a bottle of your own when the time comes."

Johanna stayed silent and Kate swiped her bank card and paid for their groceries. As he followed them out of the store he thought he heard the other patrons sigh with relief, but that might've just been his imagination. The car ride back to her apartment was silent, much to his relief and probably theirs but once they were in the kitchen shuffling around each other the bickering started up again.

'That's enough!" he yelled to get their attention as they argued over what all Johanna was allowed to throw away from Kate's fast food collection. They turned and looked at him and he pointed at the chairs of the kitchen table "Sit down."

Once they were seated, side by side, thanks to his guidance of them, he took a seat across from them.

"We have a major problem here," he stated.

"Really?" Kate asked, "I hadn't noticed."

Castle smiled at her, "You're so cute when you're sarcastic."

"Thanks," she replied.

"Anyway," he began again, "You're stuck together for the foreseeable future so you're going to have to learn how to co-exist with one another. I know it's been a long time since you lived under the same roof together but I think you can do this if you both put your minds to it."

"And what are your suggestions for that?" Kate asked.

"First of all, you both need to relax a little."

When they both looked at him as though he was crazy, he continued on.

"I know, it's stressful, you're in a bad situation and you're both worried and scared and you each have your own agendas regarding one another but you both need to take a step back and relax."

"That's it?" Johanna asked, obviously as unimpressed as her daughter.

"No," he replied, "There's more."

"Let's hear it," Kate said.

"You need boundaries," he stated, "You need to know when you've pushed each other too far. When it gets intense like it was a few minutes ago, one of you needs to call a time out and you both need to walk away and take some time to calm down. Give each other a little space and quit pushing each other so much. You need to find a way to make this work, because as much as I hate it to say it, this situation that you're both in now is dangerous…"

"We know that, Castle," Kate stated.

"I know you know it," he replied, "But what I'm trying to make you and her understand is that there may come a moment when you need each other and you'll have no choice but to work together and you're going to need to be able to do that. I know it's difficult but both of you, for the sake of your own sanity and that of those around you, please try to be a little calmer, okay?"

Neither of them said anything for a minute and then they nodded in agreement and returned to their tasks without argument.

* * *

Ryan and Esposito showed up an hour later to check on things.

"Any problems?" Esposito asked.

"Not the kind you mean," Beckett answered.

He nodded, "No notes?"

"No, I doubt we'll hear from our note writer just yet."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Because they'll want to wait awhile and let us get comfortable so they can catch us off guard," she explained.

"But don't worry," Ryan said to Johanna, "We'll be watching for him."

"Patrols didn't report any suspicious activity last night," Esposito added.

"Good," Kate answered and a part of her relaxed as her gaze caught sight of her gun, which she had laid on the coffee table.

"Have you been keeping them entertained, Castle?" Ryan asked.

He shook his head, "No, I've been brokering the peace talks."

Ryan and Esposito looked back and forth between Johanna and Kate, who were still uneasy with each other and then looked back to Castle.

"Good luck with that," Esposito stated as he and Ryan moved towards the door.

"By the way, Beckett," Ryan said, "There's a nice stack of paperwork on your desk awaiting your return."

She smirked, "I can't wait."

"We knew you'd be thrilled."

"If I get anymore thrilled this week," Kate said seriously, "They may have to put me away."

"See you tomorrow," they each said with a laugh and then they left and she relocked the door and rejoined Castle on the sofa.

* * *

Johanna retreated to the kitchen and stayed there, giving Kate space and familiarizing herself with everything and then made herself a cup of tea. She allowed herself to subtly observe the couple in the living room as she found the dynamic between them fascinating, to say the least. They reminded her of herself and Jim back when they had only been friends and colleagues. Back then he was the only one who really understood her and he had been the person she trusted the most. Jim had been the friend she went to when she needed to vent her frustrations and he had always listened patiently and offered suggestions. He was the one who built up her confidence every time someone knocked her down. Jim had been her defender, her protector, her best friend, her shoulder to cry on and ultimately the love of her life and she had always hoped that Kate would find a man who could give her those same things and it appeared that she had in Richard Castle.

Rick appeared very adept at handling her temperamental daughter, he seemed able to pull her back when she was about to explode, and he casually and easily defused tension wherever possible with a joke or comment that made her laugh or he'd distract her with a new line of conversation. He was able to soothe Kate with the simplest touch of his hand and it was becoming clear to her that no one understood her daughter the way he did.

He was attentive to her needs, respective of her silences, patient during her outbursts and consoling when the occasion called for it, and most of all, Johanna thought to herself, was the quiet way he loved her, and it was so very clear from the way he looked at her that he did indeed love her and that knowledge brought her a measure of peace as she reached for one of the magazines that had been left on the table.

* * *

It was after four when Castle opened the door and allowed Jim inside.

"How are they doing, Rick?" he asked as his gaze caught sight of Kate on the sofa and then Johanna as she entered the room from the kitchen.

Castle looked at his watch, "Well it's been a few hours since they last argued."

"That's good," he commended.

"Of course they haven't spoken in awhile either," Castle added.

Jim smiled, "I should've known."

"We've been waiting for you to get here and keep us in line," Kate commented with a raised brow.

Her father laughed as he crossed the room and pressed a kiss against her forehead.

"You weren't supposed to tell them that part, Rick" he said as he moved to Johanna's side and kissed her cheek.

"Sorry," he replied, "I didn't realize it was a surprise."

They talked for awhile longer and then Castle rose from the place he had retaken next to Kate and said his goodbyes.

"I'll walk out to the hallway with you," she stated before turning to her father, "I'll be right back."

She closed the door after they stepped outside and they made small talk for a few minutes while he waited for Kate to say whatever it was that was on her mind. Her demeanor changed and he knew that she was finally ready.

"I'm sorry," she told him as she ran a hand through her hair.

He looked at her in puzzlement, "For what?"

"For today, for dragging you into this mess, for having to have you provide my breakfast and feed my mother and for anything else that has gone down today."

"First of all you didn't drag me into anything, I volunteered, just like I always do," he told her which elicited a small smile from her.

"Secondly feeding you wasn't a problem, it's something I do on occasion because we're friends, and you have returned the favor on several occasions, and throwing in a plate for your mother didn't deprive anyone of anything. No one's going hungry tonight because I entertained guests this morning," Castle stated and she gave a soft laugh in response.

"Third, and perhaps most importantly, you have nothing to be sorry for. I said I would be here for you and I am, just like you are there for me when I am suffering from some type of family discord. That's what we do."

Kate nodded and then looked at him, "It's just embarrassing," she told him.

"What is?"

"The fact that she's brings out the worst in me and there doesn't seem to be a way for me to keep it from happening," she replied.

He smirked slightly and his eyes sparkled, "I'm a bit perturbed by that myself," he answered, "After all I always thought it was my job to bring out the worst in you."

She laughed quietly and he joined in, glad that he had once again found the right words to soothe her, but then she looked up at him, her eyes soft and she laid a hand against his cheek.

"Maybe you bring out the best in me, Castle," she whispered, "Maybe you make me a better person."

He gazed at her for a long moment and before either of them realized what they were doing they met half way and shared a kiss that led to more, each a little more heated than the one before as they lost all sense of time.

* * *

"She's been out there for awhile," Jim said as he looked at his watch, "Maybe I should go and check on her."

"Don't go jerking that door open," Johanna told him as she gathered together the ingredients she needed to make dinner.

"Why not?" he asked.

She turned to him, "Well you know what happened the last time you jerked a door open and she was outside with a boy…saying goodnight."

"That boy was all over her," he remarked as he recalled the occasion.

"You overreacted," she told him.

He shook his head, "No, I didn't."

Johanna laughed, "You told him that if you ever caught him around her again that you'd break his neck."

"I meant it."

"And then Katie didn't speak to you for a week."

He nodded in remembrance, "If I recall correctly, before she stopped speaking to me she told me that I had humiliated her, ruined her life, and that she would never forgive me."

"And then you made everything worse by saying 'good' when you overheard her telling me that he had dumped her at school the next day and told everyone why."

He laughed as he rose from his seat, "I'm still not sorry."

Johanna grinned, "I'm sure your not, but just the same maybe you should yell for her before you go pulling open the door."

"What makes you think that she and Rick are out there doing that?" he asked.

"Just a hunch," she replied, "I have spent the day with them after all, and besides once upon a time we used to take that long to say goodbye and I'm sure you remember what we were doing."

He laughed, "Yeah, usually I was trying to talk you into letting me stay."

"That was only part of it," she replied as she continued to make her preparations for dinner.

"Sometimes I won," he remarked proudly.

She laughed, "Sometimes you lost."

"I prefer not to think of those times."

"I'm sure you don't," Johanna answered with a laugh, "Now go check on her but don't jerk the door open."

"Alright," he replied, "I'll do it your way."

Jim walked off toward the door and paused a few inches away from it.

"Katie," he called.

Kate sighed as she reluctantly pulled away from Castle, her father's voice sounding through the door.

"What?" she answered in mild annoyance.

"I was just checking to see if you were still out there," he answered.

"I'll be in, in a minute," she replied as Castle smirked.

"Okay," he answered and she could hear his footsteps retreating from the door.

"It's like being in high school again," she whispered.

Castle grinned and then leaned closer so he could whisper in her ear.

"Sorry I kept you out past your curfew," he told her, "I hope you don't get grounded."

Kate laughed and slapped his shoulder, "Shut up."

"Maybe I can walk you to school tomorrow," he teased.

"Will you carry my books too?" she asked, her eyes sparkling in amusement.

"Only if you promise to pass notes with me during class," he replied.

She nodded, her mouth baring a playful smirk, "I guess you'll want me to doodle your name in the margins of my notebook too, right?"

"Of course," he replied, "Make sure you draw a heart with our initials in it too."

She began to giggle and put a hand over her mouth to stifle the sound. He shook with laughter of his own and then took a moment to appreciate the sparkle in her green eyes and the soft laughs she was trying to hide and before he could think about what he was doing, he was pulling her fingers away from her mouth and kissing her once again.

* * *

"Well?" Johanna asked when Jim returned to the kitchen.

"They're still out there," he answered with a slight laugh.

"What?" she asked him.

"She didn't sound too happy to hear my voice," he replied.

She shook her head, "Shame on you, always interrupting her like that," she teased.

"It's not my fault;" he answered, "She shouldn't be outside kissing people, if that's what she's doing, when I'm anywhere nearby."

"You be the one to tell her that," Johanna replied.

Jim shook his head, "I'm not touching that one; I'll just pretend to be oblivious."

Several minutes later, Johanna sat down just as they heard the doorknob turn and they ceased the line of conversation they had been pursuing.

Kate closed the door and locked it and she forced her feet to carry her towards the kitchen where her parents were sitting at the table.

"Welcome back," Jim said as she grabbed a glass from the cabinet, "I thought maybe you had decided to run away with him."

"Not yet," she answered as she filled her glass with ice and soda and then she turned to face them and her mother's eyes raked over her face in an assessing gaze.

"You feel alright?" Johanna asked her.

Kate looked at her in confusion, "Yeah, why?"

"You look a little flushed," her mother said, a subtle hint of teasing in her voice that Kate missed but Jim picked up on and he turned his head to keep from laughing as he noticed the redness of her cheeks.

Kate shrugged, "Its summer."

Johanna nodded, "Yeah, things can heat up pretty fast in the summer time, can't they?"

Kate narrowed her eyes as she looked at her mother, who looked somewhat coy.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"Nothing," Johanna answered innocently, "I was just commenting on the weather."

Her father was avoiding eye contact with both of them and she didn't believe that the comment her mother made was an innocent one but she couldn't say anything about it, to do so would play right into the game that Johanna had dealt and she would end up inadvertently admitting to whatever it was her mother suspected of the long goodbye she had shared with Castle in the hallway; and she had a feeling that her mother knew exactly what she had been doing…because she had always somehow knew everything she did without her ever saying a word.

Johanna was still looking at her, wondering if she would fall into this old game they had played whenever she wanted to trick her into incriminating herself; she could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she weighed the options of how to answer and she thought for a moment that she had her but then something flickered in her daughter's eyes and she came to realize that Kate was now older, wiser and a more worthy opponent.

"I'll be in the living room," Kate stated, her tone void of emotion and her features betraying nothing.

"Damn," Johanna said quietly as Jim tried to laugh silently, "That game isn't going to work as well as it used too."

"She's a detective," he whispered, "She's learned to play the incrimination game as well as you have."

Kate sipped at her soda as she sat down on the couch, flipping on the TV and turning the volume up to drown out the voices of her parents in the kitchen. She landed on the news but she only paid scant attention to it as the smells of her mother's cooking began to waft through the air. Her eyes began to feel heavy, the restless night she had endured the evening before catching up with her and she sat down her drink on the stand and then shifted around so she could curl up on the sofa. Her eyes flicked to the door, making sure that she had locked it even though she knew she had, and then her gaze landed on her gun which was lying within easy reach on the coffee table. There was probably no need for it, for she believed what she had told Johanna. She didn't expect them to hear from this mystery person just yet, he'd wait and try to catch them off guard. For now they were most likely safe from threats. She could hear her father laughing in the kitchen, the soft tones of her mother's voice making a comment in return, the sounds blended with the noise of the television and then began to fade into the background as she allowed her eyes to drift shut and sleep claim her as she remembered the feel of Castle's arms around her and the taste of his kiss.

* * *

Jim felt somewhat content, despite his worries and concerns, as he watched Johanna move around the kitchen with a practiced ease as she continued on her task. He cast a glance into the living room to see what his daughter was doing as she had been silent since she made her retreat.

"It looks like Katie fell asleep," he said quietly.

"She probably didn't sleep any better than I did," Johanna answered as she cast her own glance into the living room.

"So," he said softly as she stirred a pot of noodles, "How bad was it today before I got here?"

Johanna checked the pan of chicken she had placed in the oven and then she returned to the kitchen chair she had occupied earlier.

"It was pretty bad this morning," she answered, "Which is my fault, the state of the refrigerator and the lack of groceries caught me by surprise and I went into 'mom' mode on her which she didn't appreciate."

"She sent a text saying the two of you were having breakfast at Rick's," he replied.

Johanna nodded, "I think she'd be lost without him."

He chuckled softly, "That's probably true, but I wouldn't mention it if I was you."

"Oh I won't," she replied, "I've already been informed that conversations about that relationship are off limits."

"She didn't waste any time telling you that; did she," he remarked.

"No, she didn't," she answered and then after a moment she said, "I met Martha."

"Rick's mother," he replied.

She nodded, "Do you know her?"

"I've only met her once," he replied, "I just finally met Rick last year."

"Last year!" she exclaimed, "He's been around all of this time and you just met him a year ago?"

Jim nodded, "Katie isn't big on sharing, Jo."

"She seems to share with Rick," she replied.

"She has her secrets from him too," he answered.

"Oh?" she said with a raised brow.

"That's all I'm saying on that matter," he told her.

They were quiet once more while she moved back to the stove to check the progress of their meal and then she returned to her seat, her mind somewhat made up to unburden herself about something that had been bothering her all day.

"She seems to be close to Martha," she said softly.

Jim studied her intently, gauging her feelings in regards to the remark.

"She considers Martha a friend," he answered carefully.

Johanna shifted awkwardly in her seat, "I feel foolish."

"Why?"

"Because I…" she trailed off.

"What, Jo?" he asked, "What happened and how is Martha involved in it?"

Johanna shrugged and then began to tap her foot against the floor, a nervous habit he well remembered.

"It really wasn't anything," she answered, "Martha is a warm, lovely person."

"But?"

She shook her head, "It's stupid."

"Johanna," he said firmly, but with an air of patience.

"It just hurt a little that Kate walked in there and hugged this woman without any hesitation, and she let's her call her 'kiddo' or 'dear' and doesn't say a word but I can't call her 'Katie'; and then Martha tells her to go in the other room and take a moment to compose herself and she does it, without any argument. Martha can tell her to eat, she can have a conversation with her, she can put her hand over hers and keep her from tapping her fingers against the table and it was like…," she trailed off, emotion pressing against her, along with the hatred of the way she felt.

"It was like watching someone else be her mother," Jim finished for her.

She nodded and looked away for a moment before turning her gaze back to him, "I know I only have myself to blame," she answered quietly, "And I shouldn't feel jealous of a relationship that someone else has with her but…"

"No, Johanna," Jim said seriously, "You can't take all of the blame, some of it, yes, but don't allow the people who put you in this situation get away without taking their share. She hasn't replaced you in her life, and Martha hasn't tried too. From what I know from hearing Katie speak of her, I've figured that all Martha has tried to do is give her a bit of motherly affection to fill the void a little but you're still her mother and one day you'll be able to do those things that Martha did this morning."

"I'm not so sure," she answered, "I don't even know if…"

"If what?" he asked.

"If I'm going to make it out of this mess I created," she answered.

He saw the tears gathering in her eyes and he felt choked as his own worries flooded his mind.

"Don't think like that," he told her.

"I have to," she answered, "I don't want to die without…"

"No," he said firmly, interrupting her statement, "You're not going to die, you're going to be fine and Katie is going to be fine. Stop thinking like that."

She swallowed hard and pushed away from the table just as the oven timer went off.

"Go wake her and see if she wants dinner, maybe she'll at least accept a meal from me," she stated as she kept her back to him, needing a moment to get herself under control once more.

He wanted to ease her fears but was at a loss of what to do, and he saw her retreating into herself, just like Kate often did when things became intense. He rose from his chair and moved into the living room, giving her the space she seemed to be implying that she wanted or needed.

* * *

Kate's dreams had turned dark, a twisted mix of the past and present, a jumble of memories and fears combining into a terrifying, suffocating blackness that she was desperate to escape from. There was blood and gunshots, stab wounds, and an endless parade of loss surrounding her as she watched herself lose everyone she cared about. She tried to scream but nothing came out, but through the haze she could hear her name being called. At first she wasn't sure who the voice belonged to, and then it became clearer and she recognized her father's voice and felt hands gripping her arms, shaking her and she was dragged back to consciousness, reflex forcing her to jolt upward, accompanied with a sharp gasp.

"Katie," Jim said as he kept a hold of her arm, "Are you alright?"

He was no longer shaking her but she was trembling and she felt somewhat disoriented for a moment as she focused on his face.

"Katie," he said again.

"I'm okay," she answered, her voice shaky.

"You must've been having a bad dream," he said, "I came in to wake you for dinner and you were crying in your sleep."

She brought her fingers up to skim across her cheeks and she felt the moisture on her face.

"Yeah, it was a bad dream," she told him as she tried to shake the images away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked her.

Kate shook her head, "No, I'm fine now," she told him as she got up from the sofa.

"Are you going to eat dinner?" he asked.

"Yeah," she answered quietly as she felt another gaze watching her and she turned her head slightly to see her mother watching from the kitchen. "I'll be there in a minute."

"You're sure that you're alright?" he asked.

She nodded, "I'm fine," and then she escaped the room and took refuge in the bathroom where she splashed cold water on her face and forced the images of her dreams to fade away. It was just a nightmare, she told herself, just a product of the stress, worry, and agitation she had felt every moment since Johanna had reappeared, and the result of falling asleep with the sound of the news playing in the background and the mixture of voices in the kitchen. Everything was fine; she just needed a decent meal; even if it did mean sharing it with her mother, and a good night's sleep. She made her way to the kitchen and accepted the plate that Johanna handed her and then she sat at the opposite end of the table and allowed them to carry on their conversations, commenting only when she had to, as she forced herself to recall Castle's advice about trying to relax. If she relaxed a little she'd feel better and her head would be clear and she'd be handle all of this and keep her mother at a distance. She could do this…she had to, it wasn't like she had any other choice.


	11. Chapter 11

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! Keep them coming. I'm sorry for the delay once again, but with the holidays upon us it may be a day or two longer than usual, but just know that I'm always working on the next chapter! I hope you enjoy this one…it's another long one but you're probably used to that by now lol.._

Chapter 11 – Try

'_Just because it burns doesn't mean you're going to die, you just have to get up and try, try, try – Pink_

"You're up early," Castle stated the next morning as his mother took a seat at the kitchen counter.

"Well I had to leave before you got back yesterday," Martha answered, "And by the time I got home I could hear you in there tapping away on your laptop and decided not to disturb you."

"That's a first," he replied with a teasing smile.

She smiled in return, "It wasn't easy;" she admitted, "I've been dying to know how things went between Kate and Johanna during their shopping trip."

"It wasn't pretty," he answered, "Two mature women behaving badly."

"Did they argue the whole time?" she asked.

Castle nodded, "About every two aisles."

"It's hard to imagine Kate behaving badly in public," Martha stated.

"It was somewhat surprising to me too;" he replied, "There were moments when I felt as though I was getting a glimpse of what she must've been like as a rebellious teenager."

"Mothers and daughters can bring out the worst in each other," she commented, "Just look at how it was between my mother and I at times."

"Kate said basically the same thing," he told her, "She said that Johanna brought out the worst in her and she didn't know how to keep it from happening."

"The situation they're in doesn't help matters," his mother replied, "And there are a lot of wounded feelings on both sides."

"I know," he agreed, "But you should've seen them, arguing over the slightest little thing. I kept looking at them and thinking, 'this is so far from the way I imagined them'. It's hard to believe that they were ever close, even considering the fact that Kate is angry and well entitled to those feelings."

"Don't you see, dear, the fact that they were very close at one time is why they fight with the intensity that they do."

"I guess it's hard to think of it that way, when they're bickering over the best way to pick produce."

Martha laughed softly, "Sometimes it's easier to argue about how to pick a head of lettuce, than to talk about what's really bothering you; especially when one of those people is Kate Beckett."

"Very true," he replied, "But it doesn't help anything."

"Fighting is fighting, Richard," she replied, "It doesn't matter if it's about the right topic as long as the steam is being released."

"They have an issue with names too," Castle remarked, "Johanna wants to call her Katie, like she always has but Kate doesn't want that, especially when they are arguing so she then lashes out and calls her Meg, which of course makes Johanna angry and all the more determined to address her as Katie instead of Kate."

"It's not really about the name," Martha clarified, "It's about what it means to both of them."

"And what is your theory on that?" Castle asked with interest.

"Well, I believe that in Kate's mind, she views the name 'Katie' as belonging to the person she was before she lost her mother and put herself behind that wall you told me about. In her mind 'Katie' is gone, just like the relationship she had with Johanna is gone; and now Johanna is back and she doesn't want to be that person again because she remembers how easily 'Katie' got hurt, and how much she loved her mother. She doesn't want to get close again and end up hurt and disappointed, she doesn't want to take that chance and so she lashes out against Johanna when she uses that name because she knows that as 'Kate' she stands a better chance of standing her ground in this battle."

"I can see your point," he replied, "But on the other hand, Jim calls her 'Katie' and she doesn't have a problem with that."

"Jim didn't abandon her," Martha answered, "He may not have been there for her emotionally the way she needed but he was still there; and Kate, even though she'd probably deny it, feels as though her mother abandoned her and that's why she can't allow her to call her Katie, allowing that would be giving in, in her opinion, it would be acceptance and you know as well as anyone else that Kate doesn't accept things easily."

He nodded in understanding, "What's your theory on Johanna's attachment to the name?"

"Johanna's hanging on to that name because she's desperate to find the girl she knew. Kate is a stranger to her, but 'Katie' is the person she remembers and maybe she feels as though if she keeps trying, and she keeps calling her that name, her 'Katie' will materialize and replace this girl who wants to be known as 'Kate'."

Castle thought it over for a moment and considered the possibility that his mother was right.

"When did you get so wise?" he asked, a slight teasing sparkle in his eyes.

Martha smiled, "Everything I needed to know about life I learned on the stage, kiddo."

He laughed, "Don't forget about the things you learned backstage."

"I well remember the lessons I have learned backstage," his mother remarked, "It's some of the after parties that I have a hard time recalling."

"Perhaps that's a good thing," he told her.

"It may be," she agreed, "But did things calm down between them at all yesterday?"

He nodded "I had to sit them down and give them a talk but after that they did alright, but that was because they didn't speak to each other. Jim sent me a text last night though and said that they managed to make it through the evening with only one minor squabble."

"Jim took his turn with them?" she questioned.

"Yes, he did."

"Why are you up so early?" Martha asked as she caught a glimpse of the clock on the microwave "I'm sure you wouldn't be standing around if there was a murder out there waiting on you and Beckett."

"I'm going to make sure her day gets off to a better start than it did yesterday," Castle remarked.

"And how do you propose to do that?" she asked.

"I'm going to go get her coffee and take it to her and make sure they don't strangle each other at breakfast."

"Good idea," she told him.

He kissed her cheek and then grabbed his phone and keys and left on his mission to make Kate's day a little better.

* * *

Johanna was once again up and dressed before Kate and her mind was made up to put the hellish nightmare the morning before had been behind her. It was time to start over and give a try to that softer approach that Rick had told her about that night they had spoken at the Old Haunt. She could do this, she told herself as she slipped from her room. Perhaps he was right when he told them both that they needed to relax; maybe if she relaxed a little Kate would do the same and things wouldn't get so intense between them.

She held her breath as she crossed the living room and searched the area around the door for a note, but nothing was there, making her feel as though her daughter was right and that her note writer would be lying low for now. When she was satisfied that everything was still the way it had been when they had gone to bed the night before, she moved into the kitchen determined to cook breakfast now that she had the ingredients she needed to do so. She'd be calm, she wouldn't push too much, and she'd tread lightly and see what kind of uncontroversial conversation she could strike up. She could do this, she could find a balance for them, or at least she hoped so.

* * *

A half hour later Kate was up and dressed for work and the smell of pancakes was beckoning her to the kitchen. She took a breath, forced herself to recall Castle's lecture about trying to relax, and then she stepped out of her bedroom and quietly made her way through the apartment. She scanned the living room for any sign of notes or any other disturbance but found nothing. She hesitated as she neared the kitchen, her eyes catching sight of her mother at the stove where she was flipping pancakes and keeping a skillet full of eggs warm on the back burner, and she noticed that the table was set for both of them. It was odd to her how that visual could be so familiar and yet so strange all at the same time and with that thought came the stinging remembrance of that January morning when she had watched her make that last breakfast. It hurt as the memory pushed forward, anger lingering behind it but she pushed it down and once again replayed Castle's words in her mind before stepping into the kitchen.

Johanna turned her head at the sound of her heels clicking against the floor and caught her gaze.

"Good morning, Kate," she said quietly, trying out her daughter's preferred nickname.

It must've caught her off guard because it took a moment for her to respond.

"Good morning."

Johanna turned her attention back to her task, "I made coffee," she said.

"I'll have juice," Kate answered as she picked up a glass from the table and moved to the fridge to fill it with orange juice. She wasn't about to tell her that she preferred to wait for Castle to bring her coffee.

"Are you hungry?" her mother asked as she steeled herself in case the answer was no.

Kate took her glass of juice and sat down at the table, "Yeah, a little," she answered. Truth was that the moment she had been hit with the smell of those pancakes she had been instantly starving.

Johanna carefully piled the small stack of pancakes onto a plate she had sitting near the stove and then she sat it in the center of the table. She schooled herself not to react as Kate quickly slid two of them onto her own plate.

"Eggs?" Johanna asked as she lifted the skillet from the burner.

She hesitated for a moment but then nodded in agreement.

Johanna said nothing, simply divided the eggs between Kate's plate and her own and then sat it aside before getting her own glass of juice and taking her place across the table from her. They were quite as they each tended to their own plates, pouring syrup on the pancakes and adding salt and pepper to their eggs. She did however allow herself a small smile as she observed her daughter digging into her meal. She needed to think of something to say but it wasn't easy. She wasn't sure what topic she could broach that wouldn't upset Kate but the silence was becoming uncomfortable and she was desperately trying to keep her foot still, just as she noticed that Kate was curling the fingers of her unoccupied hand inward toward her palm. It looked as though both of them were trying to control their nervous habits and start the day off better than they had the day before.

Kate didn't know what to say anymore than her mother did, but she had to admit that although she questioned the state of her mother's mind and sanity, she hadn't lost her touch in the kitchen. The food she was eating was just as good as she remembered, maybe even better due to the fact that she had been deprived of it for so long. She knew that her mother was waiting for her to say something but she was at a loss of what to say that wouldn't ignite some kind of feud.

"What will you be doing at work today?" Johanna asked cautiously, hoping that perhaps they could at least speak of her job.

Kate swallowed the bite of eggs she had taken and she looked at her mother for a brief moment.

"Paperwork," she answered, "Unless we get a case."

So far so good, Johanna thought as she tried to think of how to carry the conversation forward.

"How often do you get a case?" she asked.

"It depends," Kate replied, "Sometimes it's busy and cases come back to back and sometimes it's slow and we go days or even a week or more without one."

"Do you like what you do?" she questioned gently.

"If I didn't, I wouldn't do it," Kate answered.

Johanna nodded, it was awkward but at least she was answering.

"I'm sure you're good at what you do," Johanna remarked, although she refrained from mentioning that she had been following her career through mentions in online newspapers and knew that she was highly regarded.

"I try to be."

"Your friends seem nice," she commented as she thought of Detectives Ryan and Esposito.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, they are."

"Will Rick be with you today?"

"Yes."

She was only giving short answers but Johanna considered it a small victory, small answers were better than no answers at all.

"How do you like working with him?" Johanna asked as she scooped up a forkful of eggs.

"It took some getting used to at first," she admitted.

"But you like it now?" her mother asked, although they both knew she already knew the answer.

"Yes."

As terrible as the arguing was, Johanna and Kate thought to themselves, the act of carrying out a normal conversation was just as stressful and uncomfortable for both of them.

"I'm sure he keeps you entertained," Johanna remarked casually.

"Rarely ever a dull moment," Kate answered as she continued to focus on her plate.

Johanna felt as though she was floundering as she struggled to keep the conversation moving along but she wasn't about to give up and her mind was working quickly to form a new segment of dialogue with her daughter.

Kate's phone buzzed then and she pulled it from her pocket to find a new text message from Castle.

"Speak of the devil," she said.

"Rick?" Johanna asked and Kate nodded as she read the message.

"He's letting me know that he'll be at the door in a few seconds."

She no sooner said the words and a knock sounded on the door and she rose from her chair and went to let him in.

"Good morning," Castle said when she opened the door.

She smiled at him and relaxed a little, "What are you doing here, Castle?"

He stepped through the door and held out a cup of coffee towards her, "I wanted to make sure your day got started off right."

She accepted the cup with a smile and took a sip, "Thank you, come and sit down. I was just finishing breakfast."

"You were eating breakfast?" he asked in mock surprise.

"Yes, Castle," she said in slight amusement as she led him into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Rick," Johanna stated as she looked up and saw them enter the kitchen, and she took note of the coffee cup that was now in Kate's hand.

"Good morning," he answered before sitting down next to Kate.

"Have you had breakfast?" she asked him.

"Yes, I have," he replied, "How are the two of you doing this morning?"

Johanna looked to Kate, who was looking back at her as if waiting for her to make the diagnosis.

"I think we're doing okay this morning," she said somewhat hesitantly.

Castle's gaze flicked to Kate and she nodded, "We're fine."

"Good," he answered, "It does seem to be quieter."

Kate glared at him but Johanna could see the affection for him in her eyes.

"Let's not think about yesterday," Kate said to him.

"But I brought suckers," Castle said as he pulled two from his pocket.

"I thought we didn't behave well enough to earn suckers," Johanna commented.

"You didn't at the market," Castle replied as he also removed his phone from his pocket. "But I received an update from Jim last night and he told me that the two of you did fine, with the exception of a minor squabble over who was going to wash the dishes."

Kate and Johanna avoided each others gaze at that remark and instead Kate turned her attention to Castle.

"What else did he say?"

Castle smiled, "He sent me this photo of the two of you watching Temptation Lane together," he said as he showed her the picture Jim had clicked without their knowledge.

"And what did he say about that?" Johanna asked.

"He said it was quiet, but at least the two of you were sitting on the couch together."

Kate rolled her eyes and then slid the phone across the table so her mother could view the photo of them occupying opposite ends of the sofa.

"Did he make anymore remarks about keeping us in line?" Johanna asked as she looked at the picture before handing the phone back.

"I'm not allowed to tell you that," he answered.

"I'll take that as a yes," she replied.

"I didn't say that," he answered.

"Exactly," Johanna stated.

"Speaking of telling things," Castle remarked feeling as though a change of subject was necessary for his own sake, "Did you tell your mom about the case we worked that involved Temptation Lane?"

Kate gave him a sharp look as Johanna's eyes lit up.

"No, she didn't tell me that," she answered.

"Really?" Castle said, "Why not?"

"I guess it slipped my mind," Kate replied, and she knew that Castle knew that she wasn't big on telling Johanna anything at the moment.

"I got her an autographed photo of the cast too," he stated with a smile, "Do you still have it."

Kate nodded, "Of course I still have it."

"I wouldn't mind hearing this story," Johanna said quietly.

"I don't really have time to go into it this morning," she answered and she was only slightly surprised when Johanna nodded in understanding.

"But now you have something to talk about after work," Castle said with a smile.

She bit her lip and glanced at her mother who was watching her with what seemed to be a mild expectation.

"I guess we could talk about it later."

Johanna smiled softly, "I'll look forward to it."

Castle smiled and handed each of them a sucker, "See, I knew you could do this if you put your mind to it."

Kate laughed softly as she accepted her cherry sucker and Johanna did the same as she took the strawberry sucker from his outstretched hand.

"Are we on the rewards system now?" Kate asked.

Castle nodded, "If it helps."

"What are you going to bring tomorrow if you get a good report?" Johanna asked.

He shrugged, "I'd tell you but then it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Which means that suckers were all he thought of," Kate answered.

"I can think of something else," he remarked as she slipped her phone in her pocket, along with her cherry sucker.

"We'll see," she said.

"I guess we will," he replied, "But remember you'll only find out if the two of you behave."

Kate looked at her watch, "We better get going," she said.

"How are you going to work this?" he asked as he nodded in her mother's direction.

Kate frowned for a moment and then looked to her mother, "I guess I have to set some rules."

Johanna nodded, "Alright, I'm listening."

"First of all, you do not leave this apartment," she stated and then she waited for her mother to respond.

"I'll stay put," she answered.

"Second, the door stays locked at all times and the only people you are allowed to let in are Dad, Castle, Ryan, or Esposito. No one else gets through that door unless I call you ahead of time and tell you to expect that person. Is that clear?"

"Yes," she replied and then on a side note said, "This kind of reminds me of the first time I left you home alone".

Kate nodded with a measure of understanding, "But unlike you I won't be calling every ten minutes to ask what you're doing."

"I didn't call every ten minutes."

"Seemed like it," Kate replied, "But anyway I will be calling to check in with you throughout the day, so if you're thinking of not answering the phone as some sort of payback for me not answering mine, I strongly advise you not to do that because it will make me very unhappy, especially if I have to come home and break down my own door and find out that there is nothing wrong. We will have a major problem them," Kate told her, "And no amount of suckers from Castle will solve it."

"I wouldn't do that," Johanna stated, "Not when we're in a situation like this."

"Good," Kate answered, "Next, if a note shows up or anything suspicious is going on or you feel that something is wrong, you call me immediately."

Johanna spoke carefully when she asked, "What if for some reason you don't answer your phone."

Kate knew that the remark wasn't a dig at her behavior so she accepted it without backlash.

"Give me your phone," she said and she waited as Johanna rose from her seat and snatched it off the counter and then gave it to her.

Kate opened up the contact list and began adding numbers. "If for some reason I can't answer my phone, try Castle," she instructed, "He's with me 98 percent of the time."

"I thought it was more like 99 percent," he stated.

Kate sighed, "Whichever way you look it, he's usually standing close enough to breathe on me."

"Anyone else?" she asked.

"I've added Ryan's number and Esposito's, and the number for the phone at my desk, but my cell phone is your best bet."

"Alright," Johanna answered, "Do you have my number so you know it's me if I call?"

Kate looked at her with a slightly raised brow, "You've called me everyday for a month, how could I not have your number?"

"Just checking," she replied, "It wasn't like you called me back."

Kate felt Castle's gaze on her and she knew he was waiting for her to take the remark the wrong way but she held back, because really it was a reasonable question and she didn't want to start an argument.

"Just because I haven't used it, doesn't mean I don't have it," she answered.

"Okay," she said casually, keeping calm just as Kate was, "Anything else?"

Kate rose from the table and beckoned her to follow her into the living room where she walked over to a small stand that sat along a wall near the door. Kate pulled the drawer open and lifted a gun out.

"Do you know how to use a gun?" she asked.

Johanna looked slightly worried as she looked at the weapon in her daughter's hand.

"Not that kind," she answered, thinking of the small handgun that was resting in her nightstand drawer in Wyoming.

Kate gave her a quick instruction of how to use the weapon and Castle stood by watching them as her mother studied her actions intently.

"Leave it out somewhere where it's within easy reach," Kate told her, "And if anybody comes through that door that isn't supposed to, shoot him."

"Do you think that's wise advice?" Castle asked quietly, although Johanna was standing close enough to hear them.

"Yes," she answered, "If it comes down to that then she needs to be able to defend herself."

"Do you think that's likely to happen?" she asked as she cautiously accepted the weapon from Kate's hand.

"I hope not," Kate answered, "But I want you to be prepared just in case."

The gun was heavy in her hand and she looked at it with trepidation.

"I'm not trying to scare you," Kate said quietly.

"I know, Katie," she answered, the name slipping from her lips before she could shorten it to the more acceptable 'Kate'.

"Are you going to be alright?" Kate asked hesitantly, hoping her concern wasn't misconstrued as something more than it was.

Johanna looked at her and then nodded and forced a light smile to her lips, "I'll be fine."

"I'm sure Dad will be over," she said as a slight feeling of worry sat in, and it wasn't a feeling that she wanted to have in regards to her mother's feelings.

"When will you be back?" Johanna asked, "If you don't mind me asking."

"If I don't have a case I'll be off at five, earlier if Captain Gates tells me to leave which is probably a high possibility. If I have a case I don't know when I'll be back but I'll call and let you know and I'll come by and check on things or I'll send one of the boys or Castle if I have too."

"Okay," her mother answered and then they each stood quietly, shifting from foot to foot with the awkwardness of the situation.

"I should go," Kate said as she took another glance at her watch.

"Have a good day at work," her mother told her as they all moved towards the door.

"Don't forget to lock the door," Kate instructed as she stopped to grab her purse and keys, "Make sure you put the chain on, and keep the gun nearby."

"I will," Johanna replied.

"Keep your phone with you so you don't miss my calls."

"I promise."

"Stay put."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, then," Kate said as she opened the door, "I'll see you later."

Johanna smiled, "Be careful."

"I will."

Castle said his goodbyes and then he and Kate stood out in the hallway and waited until they heard the locks being slid into place and Johanna's reassure that the door was secure.

Once they were in the car, Castle turned to her and said, "You did good this morning."

"Don't go getting excited, Castle," she stated, "We made it through one meal alone together. It doesn't change anything."

"I know it doesn't," he replied as he thought to himself that he also knew and could tell that she was worried about leaving her mother alone even though she'd probably deny it. "I wouldn't expect things to be different in one day," he added, "But you both obviously put forth an effort and made it work."

"It won't last," she answered.

"I'm sure it won't," he replied, "I have no doubt that the two of you have many arguments ahead of you, but at least you know that it's possible for the two of you to speak to each other…unless of course there was no speaking before I got there."

"We talked," she told him with a quick glance, "But it was…"

"What?"

"Weird," she answered, "And uncomfortable."

"That's to be expected," he answered, "What did you talk about?"

"She just asked about work and told me my friends were nice."

"Were you okay with that?" Castle asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," she answered and he could hear the undertones of frustration in her voice, "But…"

"It was uncomfortable," he supplied.

"Yes, and I don't want her to think that if I speak to her that it means my feelings have changed, because they haven't."

"I think she knows that," Castle replied.

"Do you really think so?" she asked skeptically.

He nodded, "I think she's just taking whatever you can offer and making herself content with that."

"I don't know how to do this, Castle," she said with a sigh.

Her hands were occupied with steering so he took a chance and laid his hand on her leg, slightly above her knee and squeezed lightly.

"You're doing fine," he told her sincerely.

"Am I?"

"Yes," he answered, "You're doing much better than yesterday."

She gave a small laugh and he smiled. "It's going to be okay," he told her. "We'll get through it one day at a time."

Kate smiled, "Because we can't take them two at a time, right?"

He grinned at her, "Right. But hopefully if the two of you continue to try, eventually you'll get to a place where you can be comfortable with each other."

She looked skeptical and he laughed, "I didn't say that would be happening anytime soon."

"I know," she answered.

She didn't seem to mind his hand on her leg, which slightly surprised him. Just because she was allowing him to kiss her on occasion didn't necessarily mean she'd allow him to take too many liberties, but he allowed his hand to linger where it was in hopes that the gesture was comforting to her.

When she stopped for a red light, she dropped one of her hands from the steering wheel and allowed it to cover his and she lightly gripped his fingers for a moment.

"Thanks, Rick," she said softly and he returned the pressure of her fingers.

"Everything's going to be okay," he stated again.

"Keep telling me that," she told him as she caught his eye.

"I will," he promised.

* * *

Johanna's phone rang just as she was about to gather up the breakfast dishes to wash. She pulled it from her pocket, where she had placed it in regards to Kate's asking her to keep it on her at all times, and she saw Jim's number on the screen.

"Hello," she said.

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm fine."

"Any notes or anything?"

"No, so far Katie has been right and we haven't heard anything."

"Did she go back to work today?" he asked.

"She just left a few minutes ago," Johanna replied.

"How did it go between the two of you this morning?" Jim questioned.

She gave a soft sigh as she began to stack the plates with one hand, "We did okay."

"Did she talk to you or did she ignore you?"

"We talked a little," Johanna told him, "But it was…awkward."

""That will go away in time," he assured, "Were there any arguments?"

"No," she replied, "She ate breakfast with me."

"That's a good start," Jim stated.

"I think so too but I'm not going to get my hopes up," she answered, "She only talked because I was asking questions about her job, and her answers were short and basic, which I'm fine with as long as it means she's speaking to me, but it was still…strange, for lack of better words."

"You're both out of practice," Jim said, "It's going to take time."

"I know," she answered, "And she's still angry which is to be expected and I understand that she won't be feeling differently anytime soon, but I wish I could talk to her about it."

"She's not ready for that," Jim told her, "Now isn't the time. Stick with the small talk and work your way up."

Johanna laughed softly, "I know; I need to stick with a softer approach."

"That would probably be best," he agreed.

"She seemed to relax a little more when Rick showed up."

Jim laughed, "He seems to have that affect on her."

"He brought her coffee."

"He always brings her coffee," Jim told her, "That's their thing."

"Oh," she answered as understanding dawned on her, "That explains why she bypassed the coffee I made in favor of juice with her breakfast."

"I'd say that's probably the reason."

"Anything else that I need to know about that belongs to Rick?" she asked.

"I don't know; you'd have to ask Katie."

"I'm not allowed to ask her about that," she reminded him.

"Ask Rick."

She laughed, "He'd probably tell me."

"Probably."

"What's this I hear about the two of you trading updates about me and Katie?" she asked, her tone light and somewhat teasing.

"Well," he said with a laugh, "Keeping the two of you in line seems to be a team effort so we figured we better keep each other informed."

"I see," she answered, her tone carrying a hint of amusement.

She had the dishes stacked by the sink and ready to wash as they made more of their own small talk, but then he turned serious and she had a feeling she knew what was coming.

"I'll come over and stay with you so you're not alone," Jim told her.

She was quiet for a moment as she considered what she was about to say.

"Can you give me a few hours first?" she asked, and then suddenly feeling bad for asking such a thing she hurried to explain why.

"It's not that I don't want you here with me, because I do," she rambled nervously, fearful that she had offended him, "I just…"

"Jo," he said, trying to interrupt her.

"I don't want you to think…"

"Jo," he said again, this time managing to cut her off, "It's alright, I understand."

"You do?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied, "It's alright if you want a little time to yourself. I know you have things on your mind, just like I do, and Katie does. We all will need our space once in awhile to sort things through."

Johanna released the breath she had been holding, "I just need to be alone for a little while so I can try to get used to being here. I need to get my thoughts in order so I don't say the wrong thing to Katie. I just…"

"You just need to get yourself together," he supplied for her.

She took a shuddering breath that told him that she was on the verge of losing control of her own emotions.

"I need to at least try too," she answered, "Because it might not seem like it but inside I feel like I'm falling apart."

"Why haven't you said anything?" he asked with concern.

"I don't know," she told him, "Maybe I don't feel like I have a right too."

"Why, Johanna? Why wouldn't you have a right to express your feelings?"

She swiped at a stray tear that had escaped and slid down her cheek.

"Because, I did this. It's my fault. It's a mess of my own making and I have to be the one to deal with it, it shouldn't be someone else's burden."

Jim was quiet for a moment and then he said, "When you talk like that you remind me of someone."

"Who?"

"Katherine Beckett," he answered.

Johanna grew quiet as she digested that statement but then she spoke, "Well at least you didn't say I reminded you of your mother."

He laughed and then turned serious once again, "I know that we haven't done very well with talking about all of this, Jo. I know that we've been tip toeing around topics that are painful but that doesn't mean I want you to hold everything inside. If you want to talk about something I'm going to listen, just like I always did. I can't promise you that I won't get angry, and I think that's probably what your afraid of, I'm already angry with you Johanna. I can't promise that I won't be hurt, because I already am, but I'm here and I'm trying to make this work. I want to help you, I want to be here for you but you have to let me."

"I know," she said, her voice choked with emotion as the tears fell freely, "But it's not easy; I am afraid Jim. I'm afraid of so many things right now that I can barely keep up with them all, but most of all I'm afraid of saying or doing something to drive you away completely because I couldn't bear that. I've missed you for so long and I just want back what we had and I know that I can't have that right now. I know you're angry and hurt. I don't blame you; I'd feel the same way, and in some ways maybe I do because I've hated myself everyday for the past thirteen years, and that feeling is still there every morning when I get up. I'm afraid that I'll never get through to Katie, that these people will catch up to me and I'll die before I ever find peace with her…"

"I told you not to think that way," he interrupted.

"I have to, Jim," she stated with anguish, "I know it's a possibility and I can't make my mind not think about it. All I can think of is making the most of whatever time I have, of trying to find some measure of happiness wherever you and Katie will let me. I'm afraid," she stated once more, "And I'm just starting to realize that it's a feeling that's been lingering inside of me for a long time that I haven't been able to put a name on."

"What did you have to fear in Wyoming?" he asked.

She was silent as she swallowed hard, "Never getting to come home," she answered quietly, "Never seeing you and Katie again, although that was what the F.B.I. planned for me but I never really accepted it as my fate; but there was that feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's laid there for all of these years. So many times I would lay awake and think about all the things we always said we'd do once Katie was grown up and on her own. I'd think about her and all the things I'd miss, like her wedding and the birth of her children; and I'm still afraid of missing out on those things," she whispered, "I'm still afraid that I won't be at her wedding or hold my grandchildren. I'm still afraid that I'll never get to take that trip to Europe with you that you always promised me. Sometimes it feels like I'm afraid of everything."

"I'm afraid too," he told her, "But we'll make it and I promise one day I'll take you on that trip and you'll see Katie get married and have babies of her own. It's just going to take time."

"But the question is; do I have time?"

"You can't think about not having it, Jo. You have to tell yourself that you will."

"I'll try," she promised.

"I'll come over sometime this afternoon," he told her, "I'll let you have your space but I'm going to call back in awhile and check on you."

"Okay," she told him and then they said their goodbyes and she walked away from the dishes that were waiting for her and made her way into the living room where she sat down on the sofa and allowed herself to cry out all of her fears and frustrations.

* * *

Kate sighed and picked up her phone and scrolled through the contacts until she found the number she was looking for. She hesitated before hitting send, she'd only been at work for an hour and a half but she wanted to test her mother and see if she was going to follow the rules. Finally she hit the button and she listed to the line ring twice before her mother's voice said, 'Hello, Kate.'

"Is everything alright?" she asked her.

"Everything's fine," Johanna told her.

There was something about her tone that unnerved her and she said, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, everything is just the way it was when you left."

"Then why do you sound like you're crying?" Kate asked.

"It's nothing," her mother told her.

"What did I tell you about lying to me?"

Johanna sighed heavily, "I'm not lying to you."

"Then what's wrong?" she asked as she felt Castle watching her intently, waiting to spring into action the second she gave him any indication that something was amiss.

"It's nothing," she said again, "I was talking to your father."

"Is he there?" Kate asked.

"No, I was talking to him on the phone."

"Did you have an argument?" she asked, although she wasn't sure why she cared enough to question her.

"No."

Kate was quiet for a second, "Oh god," she said, "It wasn't about me was it?"

"No, it was about me," Johanna answered in slight exasperation.

"Good," Kate answered.

"Why is that good?" she asked.

"Because if it was about me, he'd probably want to have another heart to heart chat with me and the last one didn't go so well and I'm hoping to avoid another one."

"And that talk was about me," her mother replied.

"Yes it was, let's face it; you're just not a good topic of conversation."

Castle nudged her foot with his own at the comment and she shrugged in response to him.

"Thanks," Johanna said dryly, "You really know how to make someone feel better, Katie."

"Just…relax," Kate said, at a loss for what to say, "Go watch TV and eat your sucker and you know…just don't think about whatever it was you and dad were talking about."

Castle laughed and she swatted his hand.

"I'm glad were keeping Rick amused," Johanna commented, with a soft laugh of her own.

"It's not hard to amuse him," Kate answered.

"Why do you think eating that sucker will make me feel better?" Johanna asked as she wanted to know if Kate was remembering something of the past.

"I don't know," she said in mild annoyance, "You always did eat candy when you felt bad so it seemed like a logical answer."

Johanna smiled, "You're right, I should eat the sucker."

"You go do that," Kate told her, "I have to get back to work. I'll call later."

Johanna said goodbye and Kate ended the call and dropped her phone on the desk and then turned to Castle.

"Well?" she said, "How did that go?"

He pondered it for a moment "Better than I expected, I thought it would be a 10 second call but it clocked in at about three minutes so I consider that a success, despite that remark about her not being a good topic of conversation."

"Sorry," she said, "It just slipped out."

"Don't worry about it," he told her, "You still did pretty well. I'm proud."

Kate laughed, "Are you going to give me another sucker?"

"We'll see."

"She went back to calling me Katie," she stated with mild distaste.

"Was that before or after that comment you made?"

"After."

"Then it was probably payback and you're both even again."

Kate nodded in agreement and went back to her paperwork only to turn back to him a moment later.

"Why the hell was I on the phone with her for three minutes?"

"I don't know," he answered, "You thought something was wrong and you were concerned?"

"She'll think that makes us friends now," she said with a light air of disdain.

Castle shook his head, "No she won't, she's not that delusional."

"You sure about that?" she asked.

"Positive," he answered.

She was about to say something more but she heard the door of Gates office open and she turned in that direction.

"Beckett," Gates called from the doorway of her office, "I'd like to see you for a moment."

Kate cringed and she felt the weight of world pressing down on her shoulders. She looked to Castle and saw that his expression mirrored how she was feeling and knew that he too was expecting some sort of new announcement to turn her world on its head.

"No surprises this time," Gates said as if she had read her mind, and slowly she rose from her chair with one last look at Castle and then made her way to the Captain's office.

"Have a seat," the Captain said as she took her place behind her desk.

Kate sat down in on of the chairs facing the desk and braced herself for whatever it was that was coming.

"Anything to report?" Gates asked.

"No, Sir," she answered, "So far there hasn't been any notes or suspicious activity but I figure they're going to lay low for awhile in hopes of us dropping our guard."

"And your mother?" Gates asked, "How is she?"

"She's still there," Kate replied; her tone flat and void of emotion.

"Beckett," Gates stated, "I feel as though I need to explain my decision to you in a little more detail."

"Alright," Kate said as her fingernails dug into her palm.

"I didn't do this as some sort of punishment or to force you to accept your mother," the Captain stated.

Kate smirked but she managed to keep from rolling her eyes.

"I know; you find that hard to believe," she continued, "But it's the truth. I placed your mother with you because it was the only place I felt we could put her."

"Why?" Kate asked, "What's your reason? Why couldn't we have put her somewhere else?"

"Beckett, ever since your mother showed up here and told me her story, I've been reviewing the files connected to her case. The fact that there are corrupt cops involved in this, along with someone higher up that we don't have a name for gives me great cause for concern."

"Raglan and McAllister are dead," Kate stated.

"I know," Gates replied, "But who's to say there aren't more? How far of a reach does this 'unknown person' have? Who else is on his payroll?"

Gates had her there and she remained quiet and listened intently as her Captain carried on her explanation.

"In a case like this we have to use caution in who we place your mother in contact with. We don't know who we can trust, we don't know if someone out there," she said with a gesture towards the window that overlooked the bullpen, "Is involved in one way or another, and believe me, Detective, I don't want to think that one of my people would be involved or leaking information but it happens and we both know that."

Kate nodded in agreement but remained silent as she sensed that Gates wasn't finished yet.

"The only thing I know for sure in this situation is that I can trust you, Beckett. I know I can trust you to protect her despite your personal feelings. I know that I can trust Ryan and Esposito to work this case with you. The three of you are a good team…"

"Four," Kate interrupted, "There are four people on the team."

Gates took a breath and then nodded, "The four of you are a good team, and as much as I hate to admit it I know that we can trust Mr. Castle, based on his loyalty to you alone; but it's everyone else out there that we have to concern ourselves with. We don't know if someone out there is playing both sides. That's why I placed her with you, Beckett. Having her with you, and the protection of your team provides us with a bit of a barrier against exposing her to more people who may or may not have the best interests of either one of you in mind. If we placed her in a safe house more people would have to be involved and there would be a higher risk of security being breeched. I don't want to give this case to someone else; I want it worked by the people who've been trying to solve it because those people, you, Ryan, Esposito, and even Mr. Castle, are the ones who can be trusted to do what needs to be done to the fullest of your abilities. Do you understand?"

Kate nodded slowly as it all sank in, "Yes, I understand."

"I know that I've put you in an uncomfortable situation, Beckett, and if I thought there was another way I would've chosen differently, but this is how it needs to be right now."

"I understand," she repeated again, and she did understand Gates' reasoning now that she had done a better job of explaining herself, and perhaps because she was thinking more rationally today.

"What arrangements have you made with your mother for when you're here?" Gates asked.

Kate explained that she was checking in with her every hour or so, or that Castle or one of the boys would do so if she were unavailable, and that she would stop by the apartment any time she could to check on things for herself.

Gates nodded in agreement with her plans and then dismissed her and Kate made her way back to her desk, where Castle was waiting with an anxious expression on his face.

"What is it this time?" he asked quietly when she was seated.

"Nothing bad, she just wanted to explain her reasoning," Kate replied.

"Which is?" Castle asked.

Her eyes darted around the busy precinct and she heard the Captain's words echoing in her mind about not knowing who to trust.

"We'll talk about it later," Kate told him, "I don't want to discuss it here."

He nodded in understanding, "Lunch at Remy's?" he asked.

"That would be great," she answered with a smile.

* * *

It seemed as though the hours dragged by until she was finally able to leave for lunch, and once they were seated in the booth at Remy's with their meal in front of them, Kate told him in a hushed voice about her conversation with Gates.

When she finished Castle leaned back in his seat and considered it all before nodding, "I guess with that explanation behind it, it does make sense for her to be with you."

"Yeah," Kate answered, "It makes sense but it doesn't make it any better."

"I know," he said, "But at least you know now that it wasn't done as a form of manipulation."

"We're going to have to be careful," Kate stated, "We're going to have to keep this case and any leads we get between the four of us and Gates. We can't reveal too much."

"I agree," he said, "We have to be more alert."

"I'll have to let the boys know when they come by later," she replied, "I don't want to discuss what Gates said while were at the precinct."

"That's probably a good idea."

They finished their food and lingered at the table.

"Call her," Kate stated as she looked at him.

"Who?" he asked in confusion.

"You know who."

"You're mother?"

She nodded, "I want to test her and see if she's going to answer for someone other than me."

"Okay," he said as he picked up his phone.

"Tell her we're going to come by and make sure everything is alright," she instructed.

"Should we offer to bring her lunch?" he asked, "Or is she against fast food lunches?"

She gave a short laugh, "She's alright with fast food for lunch; she just doesn't believe that you should eat it every night for dinner, and she doesn't like it for breakfast."

"So should we offer?" he asked.

"That's up to you," she told him.

He went through his contacts and found the number Kate had programmed in when they had got to the precinct. He hit send and Johanna picked up on the second ring.

"Is Katie delegating this task to you, Rick?" she asked.

He laughed, "No, she just wanted to see if you'd answer for me."

She laughed, "Before you ask, everything is fine."

"Good, but we're coming by to make sure; we just had lunch, do you want us to bring you something?"

Kate was watching him and she shook her head slightly as he grinned at her.

"It depends," Johanna said, "Where are you?"

"Remy's."

"Do they still have those milkshakes?" she asked.

"Yes they do," he answered, "Your daughter is finishing hers now."

"Remy's sounds good," she told him.

"What do you want us to get you?"

"Ask Katie," she said, "She'll know what I want."

He smiled as he looked at Kate, "Are you sure?" he asked her.

"Yes," Johanna told him, "Consider it a little test of my own."

"Alright," he told her, "We'll see you soon."

He ended the call and grinned at Kate.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"She wouldn't tell me what she wanted, she said you'd know."

Kate rolled her eyes and slid out of the booth as Castle dropped some money on the table. He followed her as she marched up to the counter and stood in line. She was tempted to order incorrectly just to be spiteful, but then she shook that notion away and ordered the vanilla milkshake and French fries that her mother would be expecting. She spent the day before being childish and that had been embarrassing. Today she was going to act like the adult she was…and a part of her knew that it was because of the man standing beside her.

They went to her apartment and she handed over the bag that contained the French fries, and the milkshake and she ignored the smile that it brought to her mother's face as Johanna basked in the knowledge that her daughter still knew her habits despite what she wanted to believe.

Kate did a quick check of everything and seeing that everything was still fine and that her mother appeared to be over her crying jag, she went back to work feeling a little more at ease.

* * *

They day passed slowly and Gates booted her out of the precinct at 4:30 and Castle informed her that he would be following her home from work for his own peace of mind.

Once they were inside her apartment and Castle was satisfied that she and Johanna were both safe and sound and that Jim was on his way, he moved to take his leave but not before turning to her mother and saying, "Don't forget that she owes you a story."

"I haven't forgotten," she told him, "I'm looking forward to it."

Kate gave him a look and then followed him to the door as her mother headed for the kitchen.

"You had to remind her," she whispered.

"I did it for you," he told her, leaning close to whisper in her ear, "I'm trying to provide topics that you can be in control of, that way you don't have to worry about your toes dipping into areas you don't want to go right now; and maybe it will help get rid of that weirdness you told me about this morning."

He was right and she knew it, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"Alright, Castle," she whispered, "I understand."

"Call me later," he told her.

"You can count on it."

Since he was still leaning close to her due to their hushed conversation, he brushed a kiss across her cheek and then headed for the door.

"See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," she repeated as she moved into position to close and lock the door.

"Go tell that story," he told her and she nodded in agreement.

When the door was secure she walked slowly to the kitchen and took a seat at the table, watching as her mother shuffled around the kitchen gathering up what she needed to prepare dinner.

"I'm ready," Johanna told her, "If you are."

Kate took a breath and then began, "Our case was about the murder of Temptation Lane's head writer…"

Her mother remained at the counter, giving her space but listening and participating in the conversation with great interest, and although her feelings were still unchanged, and she still felt awkward carrying on a conversation with her she did her best to relax and hold up her end of the story, because sometimes rather you like it or not, Kate thought to herself, you just have to try.

_Authors Note: Shades of danger will be lurking again soon! Stay tuned and don't worry there's still plenty of arguments for Kate and Johanna in the future._


	12. Chapter 12

_Authors Note: Sorry for the delay, but it's super long so maybe that will make up for it! Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 12-Every Breath You Take

'_Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you' – The Police_

A fragile truce had lingered for two days between Johanna and her daughter, a truce that was mostly silent filled and uneasy, but a truce none the less. Johanna sighed as she ran her brush through her hair, making herself ready to face another day, and another attempt to bridge the gap between her and Kate. She didn't make it easy, Johanna mused, although she wasn't surprised by that, Kate was after all as stubborn as she was and that meant she had a long road to walk in this quest for forgiveness, or at the very least understanding.

She could hear Kate moving around in her room getting ready for work and she laid her brush aside and exited her room, the mission of making breakfast on her mind. At least Kate allowed her to provide her with a home cooked meal, and she felt as though that had to mean something. As she walked down the hallway she wracked her brain for a new topic of conversation to try out, because if she didn't there would likely be no conversation at all, for her daughter rarely initiated dialogue between them and the silence felt like admitting defeat before the battle was really even begun.

Johanna crossed the living room and she caught the sight of something white from the corner of her eye. She froze for a minute, squeezing her eyes shut in hopes that the light had been playing tricks on her but when she opened them and turned her head in the direction of the door she saw the folded white square of paper and her blood ran cold. She started to walk towards it but then stopped, knowing that she should leave it as it was and instead turned back for the hallway, her feet carrying her to Kate's door.

"Kate," she said as she knocked, hoping her tone didn't sound as shaky to her daughter as it did to her own ears.

"What's wrong?" Kate asked as she pulled the door open with one hand, while buttoning the last two buttons of her shirt with the other.

She said nothing for a second but then she found her voice, "There's a note," she said quietly.

"Did you touch it?" Kate asked as she moved back into the room to grab her phone.

"No, I left it alone."

"Good," she answered as she left her bedroom and hurried towards the living room.

She clicked a photo of the note lying in front of the door, sent a text to Ryan and Esposito and then went in search of her purse to find a pair of gloves.

"I'm sure there are no prints on it, just like the others," Kate said to her mother, "But I don't want to take any chances."

Johanna nodded in understanding, her heart thudding against her ribs as she watched her pick up the note and unfold it.

"What does it say?" she asked.

Kate turned the page around so she could see it.

'_**Do you really think you're hiding? You can't hide from your fate.'**_

"What are you going to do?" Johanna asked as her stomach turned queasy.

"When Ryan and Esposito get here I will go knock on a few doors and see if anybody saw anyone hanging around here last night, after that I'll have the boys take this in for evidence and have it ran for prints or any other evidence there maybe, although I'm sure it'll be a waste of time, and I'll have them check in with the patrols in the area and see if they saw anyone entering or leaving the building last night. Then I'll call Gates and update her and I'm sure she'll tell me to stay put for the day."

Ryan texted her and told her that he and Esposito were on their way, and she watched as Johanna ran a hand over her face in nervous agitation.

"We'll be fine," Kate told her, "Go sit down."

"I can't," she answered, "I have to have something to do or I won't be able to stay calm," she admitted.

"Go make breakfast," she told her.

Thoughts of breakfast had already been wiped from her mind and she looked at Kate with skepticism that either of them would be in the mood to eat now.

"Go on," Kate said with a wave towards the kitchen, "I'm hungry."

"You're going to be busy," Johanna remarked, "You're not going to eat."

"You can keep it warm until I'm finished," she replied, "And make extra for Ryan and Esposito; they're going to stay here with you while I go knock on doors. They love a free meal."

"What about your father?" she asked, "Are you going to call him."

Kate nodded, "Right after I call Castle."

Johanna distractedly prepared breakfast while Kate made her phone calls and then she kept it all warm while her daughter and the two detectives she worked with stood around the living room discussing what to do.

"You two stay here with her," Kate told the boys, "I'll go knock on doors."

"How are you going to play this?" Esposito asked, "We're supposed to be keeping a low profile."

"I'll just act like a friend left me a note but forgot to sign their name and I'm trying to figure out who it is because it seems important," she told him.

He nodded in agreement with her plan, "Anything else you want us to do?"

"Yeah, one thing."

"What's that?"

"Eat breakfast," she whispered, "She needs something to occupy her".

* * *

Her questioning of the neighbors turned up nothing, as did Ryan's calls to the officers that had been on patrol, but both of them proclaimed the breakfast they had been served as excellent which brought a small smile to her mother's face. Jim and Castle arrived and they listened as Kate worked out her plan for the evening that would involve her waiting for the next note to be delivered while the boys were staked out in their car a discreet distance away.

The guys left and the four of them that remained in the apartment tried to keep their agitation under control as the day dragged by. Finally the evening sat in and after dinner Kate braced herself for what she was about to do, because she knew that it wasn't going to go over very well.

"I need both of you to go home," Kate said as she looked across the table at her father and Castle.

They looked at her for a moment as if they didn't quite understand what she had said.

"Not happening," Castle said.

"I'm not leaving," her father stated.

"Yes you are," Kate told him, and then looking at Castle, "So are you."

He shook his head, "I'm your partner."

"Yes, you are, and I'm asking you as my partner to do what I ask."

"I'm not leaving you alone," he said firmly, his statement bringing back the memory of the night he had insisted on staying with her when she was being terrorized by a serial killer.

"I won't be alone," she stated firmly, "She'll be here," she said with a nod in her mother's direction, "And Ryan and Esposito will be out there on the street watching the building from a discreet distance."

"No, Kate."

"Don't fight me on this, Castle. I know what I'm doing. It's only notes right now; I'm just waiting for the next one to arrive."

"The key words of that sentence are 'right now'," he answered, "How do you know it won't be different if he comes back tonight."

"Because he didn't take the opportunity he had last night," she told him, "And now he'll know I'm being more alert."

"He's hoping to draw you out."

"No, I'm hoping to draw _him _out," she argued.

"Beckett…"

"Castle," she said, "Let me do this my way. I want him to come back with another note, because I'm going to be sitting here all night waiting for it, and the second it slides under the door, I'm going to jerk the door open and grab the son of a bitch and make him tell me who he's working for."

"You'll need someone to keep you awake," he told her, not ready to give in.

"He's not going to come back if he knows everyone is camped out here," she said sharply, "That's why I made the boys leave, I want him to see that it's just me and her like it was last night and the night before and the night before that. You have to trust me."

"Trusting you isn't the issue I'm having, Kate," he remarked, "It's trusting this person to leave a note and not try something else."

"You can text me all night, Castle, if it will ease your mind."

His jaw was clenched and she knew he was annoyed with her.

"I didn't go home the last time you tried to send me away when we were working this case," he told her.

"I know," she answered, remembering that day when he had brought her the file about the murder that had occurred in the alley that her mother had taken photos of.

"Then don't make me go now."

"Rick," she said.

"Kate."

"I know you want to protect me," she said, trying to keep emotion from playing into her tone, "And that means a lot to me, but this is what I have to do and I need you to respect that. I'm not pushing you away or taking away your status as my partner, I'm just asking you to help me work this case in a different manner tonight."

"I don't like this," he stated as his hand curled into a tight fist.

"You don't have to like it," she told him, "But you have to do it."

He looked away from her with a slight shake of his head and she knew that she had angered him with her choice.

"I'm not going, Katie," her father stated firmly.

"Dad, don't argue," she told him, "You just heard me explain my reasons, so please just do what I say."

"No," he said, "I'm not playing this game with you."

"Jim, go home," Johanna stated.

He looked at his wife and she took in the expression of stubbornness on his features.

"I already told you that I wasn't letting this go on without any say from me," he told her, "I didn't get a say last time, and I never get a say with what Katie's doing, I get a call after the fact and quite frankly I'm getting tired of it. Somewhere along the way the two of you have taken away my rights as a husband and father and that's going to end."

Kate pulled her badge from her pocket and smacked it on the table in front of him, "I'm the one with the badge," she told him, "I'm the one who makes the rules."

"You can make all the rules you want," Jim said, "But you're not going to leave me out and tell me to just go on about my business and you'll call later. I know how those phones calls go, Katie. They usually include lines like 'I might have to move home for a few weeks because a serial killer blew up my apartment, I'm fine, we caught him, don't worry about it' or 'I have a cold because I got locked in a freezer but I'll be fine, don't worry about it' and my personal favorite 'I had a run in with a tiger but I'm fine, don't worry about it', well you know what Katie, I worry about it, I worry about you, and I'm worried about her and you don't get to hide behind your badge and leave me out of the loop. That's my rule."

"Hey, I only tell you those things because I don't want you to read it in a book before you hear it from me, or see it on the news and think the worst," she told him, "Do you think I don't know that you worry about me? I'm aware of it and I try to shield you from the bulk of it, but it's my job, just like working this case is my job and it's going to be done my way. I'm not going to leave you out of the loop, now go home."

Johanna was still reeling from the announcement that someone had blown up her daughter's apartment. Somehow she must've missed that fiasco in her internet searches.

"A serial killer blew up your apartment?" she asked, and they all turned in her direction and took note of the sudden paleness of her face.

Kate opened and closed her mouth a few times before saying, "I'm okay, don't worry about it."

Jim scoffed, "There you go, Johanna, she just treated you like you're her parent".

Kate shot him a look, "Don't go getting her excited."

"Oh my god," Johanna muttered as she tried to process the thought, "Please tell me you weren't home when it happened."

"I got her out," Castle stated and Kate smacked his hand.

"Now would've been the time to lie, Castle."

"Were you hurt?"

"No," Kate answered, not wanting to mention the various scrapes, bruises, and burns she had gotten in the explosion.

"You're lying," her mother said.

Kate looked at her, "Look it was just bruises and minor cuts and burns, just forget it, none of that stuff matters right now. What matters now is that the two of you need to do what I say," she said addressing the statement to her father and Castle.

"Katie…"

"Jim, just do what she says," Johanna said, her voice betraying a hint of frustration, "She knows what she's doing so just go."

Jim favored them both with a stern look.

"Don't look at me that way," Kate said as she sighed heavily.

"What way?" he asked.

"That 'don't come crying to me when this blows up in your face' look," she told him.

He sighed heavily, "I just want to keep you both safe."

"I know," she said, "But you have to do this my way."

Another round of arguments from both her and her mother and finally they both managed to shove their self appointed protectors out the door and they settled in for a long night. Kate closed the blinds and the curtains, and kept the volume of the television down low so it couldn't be heard outside the door and she turned out the lights with the exception of a dim lamp by the couch.

* * *

At 11:30 her mother retreated to her room and Kate breathed a sigh of relief as her mother's nervousness seemed to intensify her own, but the feeling was short lived as Johanna returned with a book in hand.

"What are you doing?" Kate asked quietly.

"Reading," she answered, keeping her voice low to match Kate's.

"Go to bed."

"No," Johanna answered, "I'm not going to let you stay up all night by yourself."

"I'm a big girl now," she told her mother, "I can handle staying up by myself."

"I know you can handle it," she replied, "But I'm going to be awake anyway so I may as well sit out here with you."

Kate sighed, "Fine," she told her, as she was in no mood to argue with her, especially after the arguments she had to go through to get Castle and her father to leave.

Johanna said nothing but she made herself comfortable on her end of the sofa, opened the paperback book and slipped on the pair of reading glasses that Kate hadn't noticed in her hand.

Several minutes passed before Kate cast her gaze in her mother's direction and when she looked at her she had to do a double take to be sure she was seeing right.

"You don't wear glasses," she stated.

Her mother looked up from her book, "I'm afraid I do."

"Since when?"

"Since about five years ago," she answered.

Kate continued to stare at her, in between glances at the door. "You haven't worn them before."

"I've worn them, just not in front of you," she replied, "I can't see the small print in these books as well as I used too, I suppose it's my eyes way of telling me that I'm getting old."

Kate rolled her eyes, "You're not old."

"I appreciate you saying so sweetheart," she said, the endearment slipping from her lips without warning and causing her daughter to cringe slightly, "But I am getting old."

"Not that old," she remarked.

Johanna laid her book aside and took off her glasses and turned to face her daughter more directly.

"Katie, do you realize that I'm 60?" she asked.

Kate's gaze snapped back to her mother's face as the statement struck her.

"60?" she said and Johanna could hear the tinge of surprise in her voice.

"Yes, Katie, 60."

"Oh my god," she muttered as it dawned on her that she hadn't realized her mother's age. When she had 'died' Kate had stopped thinking of her in the sense of getting older, she was permanently frozen in her mind at the age she was back then, a month shy of 48, and to suddenly think of her as being that much older shocked her in some ways.

"60," she said again.

"Somehow it seems even worse when you say it," Johanna remarked.

"I just can't believe it," she said.

"If it makes you feel any better, I can't believe that you're 32."

"Damn," Kate muttered as she shook her head.

"How do you think I feel," Johanna asked, "I'm the one who has to be this age."

Kate grew silent as she carefully did the math in her head, which didn't add up quite right.

"You were born in 1951, right?" she asked.

"Right."

Kate recalculated, "That makes you 61."

"I know."

"You said 60."

"I don't like to acknowledge the one," Johanna told her.

"Why?"

"It's bad enough having to admit to being 60, why add a 1 to it and make it worse."

"Well in that case," Kate replied, "I'm only 30."

Her mother nodded, "That's fine with me. We'll drop the one and the two and just be thirty and sixty and we'll both be a little happier."

It was quite for a moment and then Kate stated, "I guess you are getting old."

Her mother smirked at her, "Just think, you're halfway there."

Kate glanced at her through slightly narrowed eyes, "That may be," she said, "But by the time I get there you'll be 90."

"Now that was uncalled for," Johanna said with a smile, and she held her breath as a hint of a smile began to appear on her daughter's face, but then it seemed as though Kate caught herself and the faint lift of the corners of her lips faded and her demeanor changed and Johanna could feel the blockades being thrown up between them once more as if she had been caught stepping over the invisible boundary line between them.

"Kate," she whispered.

"You should go to bed," Kate stated, "It's not necessary for you to stay up with me."

So it was back to that was it? Johanna thought to herself as she tried to think of a way to broach the uncomfortable topic that she felt was pressing down on them.

"I'm staying right here," she told her before taking a breath and saying, "And I want…"

She was silenced with a hard look from her daughter, "I don't want to know what you want."

"I know you're feelings haven't changed, Kate," she said pressing on, "You don't need to worry that I'm going to assume that they have just because we have a conversation that isn't riddled with arguments and tension."

"Read your book," she told her as she kept her gaze turned in the direction of the door.

Johanna sighed but she didn't say anything, nor did she pick up her book. Instead she decided to be brave and reach for her daughter's hand as it laid on the cushion between them, but just before her fingers managed to reach their goal, Kate pulled her hand back as though she had been slapped.

"Don't touch me."

"I'm not going to hurt you," her mother said, "I'm not going to make you listen. I just wanted to hold your hand for a minute."

"Don't touch me," she repeated and despite the low tone of her voice Johanna could hear the sternness with which she spoke, and she pulled her hand back in regards to it and picked up her book only to toss it aside ten minutes later when she couldn't force her mind to focus on the words on the page.

They sat in the oppressive silence until Kate rose from the sofa and told her, "Watch the door."

She nodded in agreement and kept her eyes off of her daughter's retreating figure.

Kate went to her small office area and rummaged through the drawers. Since her mother couldn't occupy herself, she would do it for her and it would be with something more constructive than her ill-fated attempts to rebuild their relationship. There was one thing she needed from Johanna Beckett, and that was the answers to what she had been doing in the weeks leading up to her staged death, and Kate hoped that once she had her answers that she could find a way to end this and get her out of her apartment.

Kate returned to the room with a notebook and pen which she dropped onto her mother's lap. Johanna looked at the objects and then looked at her in confusion as she retook her place on the sofa.

"If you're going to stay up with me," Kate said in a hushed voice, "Than you may as well make yourself useful."

"What do you want me to do?" she asked.

Kate looked at her, "I want you to write down everything you know about this case," she told her.

"Kate…"

"Just do it," she stated, "I want you to go back to when you first got the letter from Pulgotti and I want you to write down everything that you did or learned in relation to that case right up until you…," she trailed off, not quite able to say the words.

"Why do I have to write it down?" Johanna asked, allowing Kate's unfinished sentence to go without comment in order to avoid a fight. "Why can't I just tell you?"

"Because I think it would be better if it's written out, it gives me a reference from your point of view, and if you forget something and then think of it later you can go back and add it in."

"But I don't know if I can remember everything," her mother whispered.

"I've been told that writing about a certain event can help recall memories that you might not think of while having a conversation. Writing out your thoughts instead of speaking them keeps you from too much distraction."

"Did Rick tell you that?" Johanna asked.

She nodded, "Yes."

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she opened up the notebook and starred at the blank page.

"I don't know if I can do this, Kate."

"Yes you can."

"I don't…"

"Don't tell me that you don't remember," Kate said sharply, cutting her off in mid sentence, "Don't tell me that every detail of it isn't burned into your memory someplace because I know it is, it has to be; just like January 9, 1999 is engrained into my mind. Every single second of that day is still there," she said angrily, "From the time I got out bed that morning to the time I finally went and laid back down in it at 5 the next morning. It's all there, the clothes I was wearing, the breakfast we had, the smell of your perfume, the places I went, the things I bought, the song on the radio in the car, the noise of the restaurant, every single word you said to me that morning, the coldness in the air, the dishes in the kitchen sink, the empty way the house felt…" she trailed off and forced herself to swallow the lump in her throat, "Everything is there, and it's in your mind too, you just have to unlock it and let it out because maybe you have some piece of the puzzle that I don't and I need it so don't tell me that you don't remember."

"Katie," she whispered, her voice broken and tears in her eyes, "I'm…"

"No," Kate said firmly, "We're not going there, not tonight, not anytime soon."

Johanna took a moment to bring herself back under control and then she spoke once again.

"I remember the case, I'm just not sure that I have anything to add that you haven't already figured out. I don't know if there was some little thing somewhere along the way that time has erased from my memory. I want to help you…I'm just afraid of letting you down. I've spent the last 13 years thinking about you and your father, not about the details of this case."

"But it's the reason why you weren't with us," Kate said evenly, in control of herself once again, "As for how much you can remember, well there's only one way to find out," she told her as she reached over and picked up the pen which she then uncapped.

"Start with Pulgotti," she said, "If you get stuck and need to talk out something about the case," she stressed, "Then we can discuss it and try to jog the memory."

Johanna took a breath and then accepted the pen, "Alright," she said, "I'll do the best I can."

She stared at the blank page for several minutes, a part of her feeling as though she had been thrown back through time to her school days when she'd stare at a blank page for what seemed to be hours before the words for whatever report she had to write would come to her. She was going to need a little push in the right direction.

"What exactly do you want to know about the letter from Pulgotti?" Johanna asked.

"When did you get it?" Kate replied.

Her mother was quiet for a moment as she tried to narrow down a time frame.

"I want to say the end of September of 1998, but it may have been the beginning of October. I'm not sure anymore."

"Alright," Kate said, "Then put down that you received it between those dates and then write what it said and what you did next."

Johanna began to write, some of the details of the letter coming back to her, but she was worried that she was going to miss something and it must've shown on her face.

"Take your time," Kate said softly, "Don't force it, let it come back on its own; and if it doesn't come right now then you can go back to it later."

"What next?" Johanna asked after she finished writing about the reply she had sent to Pulgotti.

"You went to see him," Kate prompted, "How many times? What was discussed? What did you do with the information?"

"The first time I went was in November," she said but then she frowned, "Or maybe it was the end of October…maybe I did get the letter in September. I think I went in October."

"We'll worry about exact dates later," she told her, "Let's just focus on what was said and done."

"Okay," Johanna said as she released a breath, "The first meeting was the standard meeting I had with all potential clients."

Kate nodded, "If I remember correctly that usually entailed introductions, discussion of what the client wanted or needed done, and your decision on if there was enough grounds to make a case for an appeal."

"Right," Johanna answered and she filled two pages with what she called from that first meeting with Pulgotti.

"I went back a few weeks later," she said, "For a second meeting."

"You were starting to lay the groundwork," Kate said.

Her mother nodded, "I started the process of interviewing him and taking notes," she answered as she began scribbling down the details, filling another page but then coming to a stop.

"And then what?"

She was quiet for a moment, "I went back in December, before you came home for the winter break. We went over it all again, everything that had gone down that night in the alley when that agent was killed. Every time I heard it the more convinced I was that it was a set up," she said as the memory took shape in her mind and she wrote as she talked it out with Kate.

"I told him that I'd have to get the court file and go over it and that I'd be back after the holidays…he made a joke saying he'd be there. That was the last time I saw him."

Kate nodded, "So the court file that you requested was Pulgotti's."

"Yes."

"But you never got it."

Johanna looked at her, "I got it."

"The file is missing," Kate stated, "And there was never any evidence that you had received it, there's not even any evidence about which file it was that you asked for, just that you had made a request."

"I had the file, Kate" Johanna stated, "I was looking at it right before Christmas; in fact I was going over it on the 23rd, I went in a half day and then I took off Christmas eve through the 26th."

"Did you take it back?" she asked as she tried to put the pieces together.

"No, it was still early in the process. I was still going over everything and taking notes. You know that I went over things four or five times to make sure I hadn't missed anything."

It was true, Kate thought to herself. Her mother had always been very methodical when it came to her work.

"Where was the file? Was it at your office or did you take it home?"

"I left it at the office."

A thought occurred to her and she spoke once more, "You took pictures of the alley," Kate told her, "I found the negatives."

"Yes, I did."

"Where were the pictures? They weren't in the envelope with the others."

"They were with my notes and the court file….Pulgotti's letter would've been there too."

"Where?" Kate demanded to know, "Where in the office were they?"

"In my desk," Johanna answered, "The top drawer on the left hand side, that's where I always kept the papers for my most current cases."

Kate was quiet as her mind flashed back to the day she had cleaned out her mother's office.

"It wasn't there," she stated.

"What?"

"Your work, the file, the notes, the pictures; none of it was there."

"It had to be," Johanna said, "It was all still there the last time I opened the drawer."

"And when was that?" Kate asked.

Her mother looked away from her but not before Kate caught the flash of guilt in her eyes. She remembered then that her mother had insisted on going into her office that day even though it was a Saturday, saying that there were things she needed to get caught up on that she had let slide during the holidays. Her father had taken her and dropped her off and that had been the last time they had seen her.

"The 9th," Kate said quietly as she tried to keep her tone neutral.

"Yes," she answered her voice barely a whisper.

"You didn't take it with you?" Kate asked even though she knew it was a long shot.

"I wasn't allowed to take anything. I had to hand over my jewelry, my purse, I had to change clothes. Everything in the office had to be left as it was. The papers were in the drawer."

"It wasn't there."

"It had to be."

"Look," she said sharply, "I'm the one who had to clean out your office and I'm telling you that there was no court file, no notes or anything with Pulgotti's name on it."

"Maybe you just overlooked it," Johanna said carefully.

Kate gave her a harsh look. "I've been through the contents of your desk a hundred times. I've been through your brief case. When the police released your jewelry and purse to me I dumped it out and went through it knowing that you had a habit of writing things down on the back of receipts and gum wrappers. There was nothing. Nothing to say what you had been doing! Even your appointment book didn't mention a word about meetings with Pulgotti! Do you get it? There wasn't anything, if there had been it wouldn't have taken me this long to get this far."

"It was all there!" Johanna said with equal firmness, "It was in the drawer."

"Why weren't there any mentions in the appointment book?"

"I don't know," she answered, "It was probably listed on the calendar on my desk."

"The calendar that you tore the page off when the month was over," Kate remarked.

"You know that I didn't throw those pages away as soon as I tore them off. You know I kept them for a few months in case I needed to go back and check a date I didn't have listed elsewhere or to see if I made some sort of note on it."

"I didn't find any calendar pages."

Johanna sighed, "Maybe when you were packing," she said gently, "Maybe you tried to put all of the papers together and they got mixed up. There should've been something…and please don't take that as me saying that you didn't know what you were doing because I don't mean it like that at all."

Kate took a calming breath, "I know you don't."

"What happened to the papers from my office?" Johanna asked, "Do you still have any of them?"

Emotion was slicing through Kate again but she pushed it away.

"There are several boxes of papers at home. The box that has the contents of your desk and briefcase is in my closet. Go get it if you want to go through it, it's in the back on the right hand side."

Johanna hesitated, "Are you alright with that?"

"Yes."

She kept her eyes glued to the area of the door as her mother laid the notebook and pen on the coffee table and went off in search of the box. She returned with it several minutes and she sat it between them on the sofa but she didn't pull the lid off.

"Go on," Kate told her, "It's your stuff, not mine."

She waited another moment and then slowly lifted the lid. It wasn't so much that she was fearing stepping on Kate's toes with the contents, it was more like she was unearthing some sort of time capsule of her life…the life she used to have and it was strange, almost as if she were a different person or at least going through the belongings of someone else but she shook it all away and began pulling out the papers and her appointment book, along with the packet of photos that she remembered had been in her brief case.

She sifted through everything and then threw it all back into the box in defeat.

"I told you it wasn't there," Kate said.

"Are you sure that your father still has the other boxes?"

"Yes, I'm sure he'll bring them over if you want them."

Johanna nodded, "I think it would be best…don't you? Even if it's just to rule out that nothing has been missed?"

She hated to agree with her but it made sense.

"Yeah," she conceded, "We should go through the rest of the boxes. We'll call him in the morning and ask him to bring them over."

"Good," Johanna said as she sat the box on the floor and reached for the notebook to finish writing about her meetings with Pulgotti. Something sprang forward in her mind as she went; a remembrance of typing her handwritten notes and she said aloud, "The computer."

"What?" Kate asked.

"My computer, the laptop I used for work was it still there when you cleaned out the office?"

"Yes, why?"

"My notes," Johanna said, "I had started typing my notes from the interviews with Pulgotti. You know that I always did that in case my handwritten notes got misplaced."

"I remember," Kate said.

"Any chance that the laptop is still around somewhere?" Johanna asked.

"It's at home," she answered, "I was going to use it for school but then…I couldn't."

Johanna forced herself not to get emotional and she stuck to the topic at hand just as she knew Kate would want her to. "Do you think it still works?" she asked, "If it does at least some of my notes would be there, and probably a list of people I wanted to speak to that would have to be scheduled. I don't know if it would be of any help but we could try."

"We'll add it to the list of things for dad to bring," Kate told her, as a small spark of hope took root within her.

They grew quiet and Johanna continued to write for awhile until finally she closed the notebook and put it aside.

"I can't think of anything else right now," she said softly.

"You did fine," Kate told her, "If you remember something later then come back to it and write it down."

Johanna curled up on her end of the sofa and Kate glanced at her seeing the tiredness in her features.

"You should go to bed," she told her quietly.

"No."

"You don't have to stay up with me," Kate said.

"I know I don't…but it's my fight too and I don't want you fighting it without me anymore."

Kate swallowed hard, "I already have a partner."

"The more the merrier," Johanna said.

She scoffed, "Sorry, but there isn't any more room at my desk."

"That's okay," Johanna said, "I'll work from here, I wouldn't dream of getting between you and Rick."

"We're still not having that conversation," Kate said.

"Is Pulgotti still in jail or has someone gotten to him too?" Johanna asked, changing the subject.

"He's still there," Kate answered and then after a moment she said, "He says I look just like you."

"You've talked to him?" her mother asked her.

"Yes."

"What did he tell you?"

"Same thing that he told you, that the only people who knew he was in the alley that night was the people doing the kidnapping, and the agent that got killed."

Kate glanced at her watch; it was nearly four and so far nothing had occurred and she hadn't received any reports from the boys. Silence had fallen between her and her mother and by five Johanna was sleeping lightly, jerking awake every so often and taking in her surroundings before dozing off once again after each time she heard Kate's voice say "Everything's fine." Castle's hourly text to check on her had ended around four and she assumed that he had fallen asleep as well.

* * *

By seven-thirty Kate knew no new note was coming and she called Esposito to tell him so.

"I know," he said, "Do you think we spooked him?"

"I don't know," she said quietly in effort to keep from waking her mother, "Either that or he's being cautious, knowing that I'd be waiting for the next one."

"That's the problem with snakes," Esposito stated, "You never know when they're going to slither out from beneath their rock."

"That's the truth," she said, "How's Ryan? Has he fallen asleep on you yet?"

"No I haven't," Ryan's voice sounded from Esposito's side, "That only happened once and it was because I was sick," he said in his own defense.

"Whatever you say," she told him, "Listen, you guys update Gates and then go home and get some rest."

"What do you want us to do with sleeping beauty in the backseat?" Esposito asked.

"What?" she asked.

"Uh oh," she heard Ryan say.

"Start talking," she commanded, having a feeling that she knew who was asleep in the backseat.

"He said you knew," Esposito stated.

"What exactly did he say I knew?"

"He said that you told him that he couldn't stay with you and your mom, but that you told him he could sit out here with us if it would make him feel better."

"Is that right?"

"That's what he said," Esposito told her.

"Put him on the phone."

"He's asleep."

"Wake him."

She listened as the boys woke him and then she heard Esposito tell him, "Phone call for you, Bro."

"Hello," his sleep tinged voice said.

"Get up here now," she stated sharply.

"Beckett?" he asked.

"No, it's the good witch of the north," she responded tartly.

"Kate," he said, his sleep fogged mind clearing.

"Now, Castle!"

The phone was handed back and she could hear the boys ribbing him as he got out of the car.

"Go do what I told you," she told Esposito and Ryan before ending the call.

"What's wrong, Katie?" Johanna asked tiredly as she rubbed a hand across her eyes.

"Castle has been sitting in the back of Ryan and Esposito's car all night," she answered.

"You're father wasn't there too, was he?" she asked, as she wouldn't have put it past him.

"He wasn't mentioned so I assume he went home, unless he's staked out in his own car somewhere. Maybe you should call him and see if he's home, and then tell him what you want him to bring over."

Johanna rose from the sofa and took her phone into the bedroom, knowing that Kate wanted to have words with her partner in private.

She threw open the door at the sound of Castle's knock and he smiled at her sheepishly.

"What the hell were you doing?" she asked him.

"Sleeping," he answered.

"Wouldn't you have been more comfortable at home in your bed?" she asked.

"I'm adventurous; I like to try out different sleeping arrangements from time to time."

"I told you to go home."

His expression changed to something harder and she knew that he was ready to fight her.

"I've never left you alone with this case before and I'm not going to start now, so just get over it."

Her brow rose, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he said, "I'm your partner, this is our case, and I'm not going to just go home and wait for a phone call to tell me if you're okay or not. I know you Kate, I know that if I start letting you push me away you'll continue to do it and I'm tired of that."

"Why are you so convinced that I'm trying to push you away?" she asked, "I explained my reasons to you, so why couldn't you just do what I asked?"

"Because I need to protect you," he told her angrily, "I didn't move fast enough the last time and you got shot, and I'm not going to sit at home while you're here waiting for someone to show up at your door and wait for it to happen again."

"It wasn't your fault, Castle," she told him.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, "But it felt like I had failed you and I don't want to do that again."

"You didn't fail me;" she said softly, her anger at his disobeying of her orders fading away, and she moved closer, "You tried to save me."

"Tried and failed."

"No," she said with a shake of her head, "You've never failed me, do you really think that I would've wanted you to take that bullet for me, Castle?"

"No, but I would have," he answered.

"I know you would have," she replied, "And do you know how I would've felt about that? I would've felt guilty for the rest of my life, if you had died saving me…I wouldn't have been able to survive it," she whispered.

"Then I suggest we both avoiding getting shot this time around," he stated in a mild attempt to ease the tension.

"Believe me, it's not an experience I want to repeat," she told him.

"Me either," he replied, "I can't go through another summer wondering where you're at and if you're okay."

"I'm not pushing you away," she said quietly, "I don't want to do this without you, and I'm not going to, so quit thinking that every time I ask you to leave that it's some ploy on my part to keep you away because it isn't."

He nodded, "I'll try, but I'm not going to apologize for last night."

"I didn't think for a moment that you would."

"Am I forgiven despite my lack of apologies?" he asked.

She smiled at him, "I guess I can overlook it this time."

He grinned at her, "It's good to know that you're working on overlooking things…that will come handy when you're First Lady."

Kate laughed and then with a quick glance in the direction of the hallway to make sure her mother hadn't reappeared; she stepped forward and embraced him.

"How did it go last night?" he asked as he returned her hug.

She told him about discussing the case with Johanna and that they had decided to have Jim bring over the boxes of papers and the computer so they could search for the missing file and her notes about the case.

"I'll go home and change clothes and then I'll come back and help," he told her.

* * *

By 9:30 the four of them were assembled and ready to work, a feeling of anxiousness brewing between the Beckett women as they allowed themselves to believe that they were going to find the missing court file and her notes on the case.

They tried the laptop first, and they each held their breath as Kate made the computer come to life.

Her mother smiled, "It still works, that has to be a good sign."

That sentiment didn't last long however as they soon discovered that any notes Johanna might've typed and saved were gone.

"Do you think it might've been tampered with?" Castle asked Kate.

"I don't know," she answered as she felt a stirring of disappointment, a feeling that was mirrored on her mothers face, "I figure that the odds are pretty good that it was."

"Let's go through the boxes," Johanna stated as she clung to her stubborn faith that the piece of the puzzle Kate needed would be found somewhere among the abundance of papers and files that rested inside those boxes.

The boxes were soon scattered around the kitchen, the contents spread out across the table and each of them had a stack of papers in front of them trying in vain to find Johanna's missing notes and the court file that she claimed that she had.

Every stack of papers that was tossed aside caused Kate's frustration to grow and she could see the tension building in her mothers face but she couldn't find it within herself to show her any sympathy.

"This is ridiculous," Kate stated as she threw down the pages she was holding, "It's not here, just like I told you it wasn't."

"And I'm telling you that it was," her mother replied.

"Well it's gone now," Kate remarked, "So obviously someone got to your stuff before I did."

"Or we just haven't found it yet," Johanna answered.

"Do you hear yourself!" Kate cried, "You know as well as I do that it's not here. It's just a waste of time and it's all because you couldn't open your mouth back then and tell anyone what was going on in your life!"

"You act like I was hiding this case the entire time I was working on it," Johanna shot back.

"Well it seems as if you were," Kate argued, "There isn't a trace of it anywhere. Did she mention it to you?" she asked Jim, "I always thought she told you everything."

"Katie, it was over thirteen years ago, I don't remember every case your mother had, I had my own cases. She may have mentioned it and I don't remember, and as for her telling me everything, we know now that obviously she didn't."

"I didn't keep secrets because I liked too," Johanna told them, her own frustrations getting to her.

"Then you shouldn't have kept them at all," Kate told her, "Maybe we wouldn't be in this damn mess if you had confided in us, maybe we could've helped you but no, you had to go off and do it someone else's way!"

"What the hell do you think you could've done about it, Katie?" Johanna asked angrily, "You were a kid."

"I wasn't a child!" Kate yelled as she slammed her palm against the table, "I wasn't a little girl who needed protected. I was nineteen!"

"You're my child!" Johanna yelled back, "I'm always going to want to protect you no matter how old you are. Do you think I wanted you involved in this? Do you think I thought for one moment that you'd take it into your head to go chasing it?" Do you think I wanted you to get killed over it? If you do you're sadly mistaken!"

"Both of you need to stop," Jim said but they were ignoring him.

"Maybe I wouldn't have had to go chasing things if I had a mother who practiced what she preached!" Kate threw back at her.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Johanna asked.

Kate glared at her, "All my life all I ever heard from you was, 'I can take anything but a lie from you, Katie', 'The truth is always the most important thing and no matter what you do as long as you tell me the truth we'll find a way to work it out'. It's a shame you didn't extend those same courtesies to us."

"Don't sit there and act like you never lied to me!" Johanna said angrily, "You lied to me plenty of times, Katherine."

"Alright," Castle stated, "That's enough, walk away."

Neither of them moved, so he spoke again, "We had a discussion about what the two of you should do when it gets too intense between you and you both agreed to it, now it's time for both of you to put down the papers and walk away. Give each other some space and cool off."

Kate pushed away from the table and stormed out of the room, the sound of her bedroom door slamming following just moments later.

"You too," Castle said to Johanna.

"I have to keep looking," she said as she stood and moved in the direction of one of the boxes on the floor.

"You already went through that one," Jim told her.

"Well I'm going through it again," she stated as she pulled the papers out, "It has to be here, we're just overlooking it."

"Johanna," he said as he got up from his chair, "It's not here."

"It has to be," she said her voice cracking as she sifted through the papers.

"What is it that you and Katie are so sure you're going to find in that file or in your notes?" he asked.

She didn't answer him as she continued to search in vain for the missing documents but he could tell that she was struggling to keep herself together.

"The answer isn't going to be found that easily," he told her as he stood over her, "I know you and Katie have sat here all night and convinced yourselves that you'd pull the lid off one of these boxes and find what you needed to make it all go away, but it's not going to happen, Jo."

She angrily threw the papers back into the box and rose from the floor, "You think I don't know that?" she cried as she moved toward another pile of papers and picked them up, "But I have to keep trying anyway, I have to find _something_."

Jim took the papers from her hand, "It's alright, Johanna," he told her.

"That's easy for you to say," she exclaimed as she began to walk off toward the hallway, "You're not the one letting her down!"

Jim threw the papers back into the box as he heard the door of the guest room slam shut behind his wife. He knew better than to follow her, at least not yet. Time hadn't erased the lessons he had learned during all the years that they had been together in one capacity or another, rather it be as friends and colleagues, dating, or married. The knowledge of how to handle her still lingered in the back of his mind and he knew that if he wanted to offer her any sort of comfort he'd have to wait until she had cooled off enough to accept it.

He moved back to his seat, catching Rick's eye as he sat down. At least he wouldn't have to wait alone, he thought to himself as he knew the writer was waiting too, strategically counting down to the right moment to go and knock on Kate's door and pick up the pieces for her.

"They were so sure," Jim stated quietly, "So damn sure there was going to be something here to make their problems go away."

Castle nodded in agreement, "Now reality has set in and knocked them down again."

* * *

A half hour passed before Castle rose and made his way towards Kate's bedroom door. He knocked lightly and called her name. She called for him to come in; her tone softer than it had been when she had left the kitchen.

He entered the room and found her sitting cross legged in the center of her bed.

"You okay?" he asked softly as he took a seat next to her.

Her usual reply was on the tip of her tongue but she swallowed it and looked him in the eye, "No."

He took her hand, "What can I do?"

"Just be here," she whispered, "Just be you."

He smiled at her, "I plan on that, even when you don't want me to be here."

She squeezed his hand and gave him a shaky smile, "I didn't mean to get so angry."

"I know you didn't but you needed to walk away before it got any worse."

"I know," she answered, "I was losing control of my temper, but I was just hoping that she was right and I had overlooked something, but it's just not there, Castle."

"We can look again," he told her, "We can make sure if you're worried we might've missed something."

She shook her head, "It's no use, the file is gone and so is her work and we all know it," she whispered, "And it's like swallowing some type of bitter pill because somewhere inside I always thought…"

"That if she were here she could tell you who was behind this," Castle said.

Kate nodded, "And now she's here but I'm still stuck because she doesn't know the answer anymore than I do, and if it was contained somewhere in that file…it's gone now. She can't give me the one thing I wanted from her."

"You thought that if she had the answer you could end this and walk away from her," he stated.

She blinked rapidly, keeping a fresh batch of tears at bay, "Yes."

"She's not going to make the same mistake twice, Kate. She'll fight you."

"I just want it to be over," she said quietly, "I just want to find this person and make him pay for what he's done to us. I want it so bad, Castle."

"I know," he answered, "But it's not going to happen today."

"I let myself believe that it was possible, I knew better."

"We all make ourselves believe things from time to time, Kate, and you weren't the only one who was convinced that it could end today. There's someone across the hallway who was just as convinced as you were."

"Was she yelling at Dad?" she asked.

He nodded, "She feels like she let you down."

"I heard her," she said.

When she offered no further statement about the topic he stood and tugged on her hand.

"Come on; let's go clean up the mess we made."

She hesitated, "Nothing's ever easy when it comes to this case, is it?"

"No," he told her, "But one day it will be over and you'll both be able to move on."

Kate gave him a skeptical smile and allowed him to pull her from her spot on the bed.

* * *

Jim knocked on Johanna's door, and then entered without waiting for her to give him permission. He found her standing in front of the dresser, Kate's broken necklace with the ring still attached to it, in her hand. He could still easily read her body language, and he could almost feel the depths of her frustration as she battled against it. She didn't say anything to him, and she didn't look at him as he stepped toward her and lifted the chain from the grasp of her fingers and laid it back on the top of the dresser.

"It's alright," he told her quietly, although he knew that she hadn't believed that the first time he had said it to her.

She shook her head, "No it isn't."

"You tried," he told her.

"What good does that do Katie?" she asked as she turned towards him, old familiar instincts making her want to seek comfort in his arms but she stopped herself from laying her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around him, unsure if he would accept such a gesture from her. He hadn't held her since the night of the shooting incident and although he allowed her to hold his hand and on occasion he would put an arm around her or brush a kiss across her cheek, he seemed to hold back from showing her too much affection and she felt starved for it.

"It doesn't do Katie any good, at least not in the way either of you hoped," he answered, "But I think that somewhere in those minds of yours, both of you knew going in that this was a long shot."

The sting of failure and the pain of rejection wrapped around her like a noose and wrecked havoc on her raw emotions as her eyes filled with tears that she hadn't gotten to shed the night before.

"I just wanted to give it to her," she cried, "I wanted to give her the answer she had been searching for so we could end this before it escalates into something more than threatening notes."

"I know," Jim said.

"I just thought it would be there, lost among the other papers. I thought if we just looked hard enough. I thought…"

"You thought that if you helped her solve it that it would fix things between the two of you," he finished for her.

"The logical side of my brain knows that it wouldn't have changed anything," she said through her tears, "But that didn't stop the other side of me from thinking that it might, it didn't stop me from thinking about how we almost had a normal conversation last night, and I guess I just allowed myself to believe that if I could provide her with some sort of closure and the threat of danger was removed, that maybe…maybe she'd want me around in one respect or another, but now I've failed her…again. I gave her a little glimmer of hope that we might find something and now it's gone."

Jim reached for her then and tugged her against him, allowing her the comfort that she so desperately needed. She was silent for a few moments as she clung to him, the soft cries wracking her body as she held her tightly.

"She knew that it wasn't going to end this easily," he said gently, "And so did you."

"I wanted it to end," she whispered as her hold on him tightened.

"We all do," he answered, "But you just have to be patient and so does she."

"I just want to fix it for her," she said, "I want to make it go away, I want to get out of her space so she won't resent me even more than she already does."

"Is that why you're still living out of your suitcases instead of unpacking and putting things away?" he asked as his gaze traveled around the room.

"It doesn't feel right to make myself too comfortable in her home when I'm an unwanted guest."

"I'm sure she doesn't expect you to live like this," he told her, "And I know that you want to fix everything for her, but you can't Johanna. You can't make it go away."

She was quiet for a moment as her cheek rested against his shoulder. "I used to know how to make everything better for her," she whispered. "I could kiss skinned knees and scrapped fingers. I could hold her after bad dreams, lay down beside her until she fell back to sleep. I could make her feel better when she was sick. When she was upset about grades that she didn't feel were good enough I could help her study and lavish her with extra praise. When her heart was broken I could give her ice cream and let her cry on my shoulder and then help her bash the boy that was responsible all the while telling her that she was beautiful and special and that she'd find someone worthy of her one day. When her friends were mean to her I could take her out somewhere and give her all my attention and build her self esteem back up, but this…I don't know how to fix this."

"I don't think you can fix it," he told her, "You can't make it be the way it used to be between you, all you can do is keep fighting to be in her life and to build a new relationship with her that you both can be content with."

"It's not easy," she cried, "It's not easy to be kept at arms length when all I want to do is reach for her. I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to quit letting her down."

"No one said it would be easy, Johanna," he told her, "But you have to keep trying."

She didn't say anything in reply, couldn't form a response to accurately explain exactly how she was feeling so that he would understand just how much of a failure she felt she was.

His hand moved rhythmically over her back as he tried to soothe her, his other hand threading through her hair just as he always had done.

"Just for the record," he whispered to her, "I've let her down more times than you can imagine."

If he hoped to make her feel better with that statement he failed, for she knew that if Jim had let Kate down, it had been because of her.

When she was calm and the tracks of her tears had been wiped away they retreated back to the kitchen where Kate and Castle were already picking up the papers and putting them back into the boxes. She couldn't find it in herself to look her daughter in the eye, not wanting to see the multitude of accusations that surely rested in their green depths. Kate was equally quiet and the rest of the afternoon passed with a feeling of depression among the two women.

Johanna made dinner and the four of them sat down together to eat but it was if they were back to square one and she wanted nothing more than to flee to her room to escape the oppression, and she had a feeling that Kate felt the same way as she seemed somewhat relieved when Jim and Castle announced their departures.

"Is she alright?" Kate asked her father as he hugged her goodbye.

He released a heavy sigh, "You know that your mother has never dealt well with the feeling of failure."

"Me either," she answered.

"I know," he told her, "Maybe if you could talk to her a little she'll snap out of it," he suggested.

She didn't acknowledge that suggestion with a response; merely kissed his cheek instead and told him to get some sleep.

She watched him though as he made his way back to her mother, watched as he embraced her for a long minute and took note of the anguish on her mother's face. She continued to watch as he kissed her cheek and whispered something in her ear that she nodded in response to before stepping away from him.

A hand snagged around her waist and she soon found herself in Castle's embrace and she relished it for a moment.

"No sleeping in a car tonight, Castle," she told him.

"Believe me I don't want to make that a nightly habit," he assured, "It's hard on the back…and the neck…and the legs…"

"I get it," she said with a small laugh.

"Call if you need me," he told her as he released her.

"I will," she answered, and then remembering their conversation from the morning she added, "I promise."

He nodded and said, "Goodnight, Kate" as she walked with him to the door.

"Get some rest," she told him.

"You too," he replied.

"I'll try."

She closed the door behind him, only to open it again for her father as he came back to her.

"You sure she's alright?" she whispered.

He nodded, "Just being a little hard on herself that's all."

Kate bit her lip for a moment, "If you want to stay with her…you can."

"I think she'd rather I didn't tonight," he answered, "I think this is something she has to work out for herself, just as you do from time to time."

She accepted his answer with a forced smile and then locked the door once he left.

* * *

With Castle and Jim gone for the night, silence fell as it always did between them as they settled in for their evening together. Kate took her usual place on the sofa, the remote in her hand, ready to conjure up another episode of their preferred soap opera from the DVR. She waited for her mother to join her, but Johanna picked up her book and her reading glasses which had been abandoned on the end stand since the night before and said a soft, 'goodnight' before heading in the direction of her room.

"Aren't you going to watch Temptation Lane?" Kate asked.

Johanna paused, but she didn't turn back. "No, not tonight," she said quietly, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed."

"Goodnight," Kate told her as she once again began to walk away.

The door of the guest room closed and Kate leaned her head back against the sofa and closed her eyes for a moment before turning on the show, but as it progressed she found it harder and harder to focus on the storyline. Too many thoughts were tumbling around in her mind, too many feelings that she didn't want to feel.

She should feel relieved that her mother had been avoiding her for the majority of the day after their meltdown while going through the boxes. She should be glad that she wasn't trying to force conversation or assert her presence in her life by sitting on the opposite end of the couch. She had wanted her to leave her alone ever since she had blown into town and disrupted her life, but now that it seemed as though Johanna had admitted some type of defeat and had taken a few steps back, Kate began to feel something that she couldn't quite put a name on.

It was a feeling she knew well though, as she had felt it as she had sat on an airplane bound for California two weeks after she had lost her mother. She remembered feeling it as her father ordered her to pack despite her numerous refusals to go amidst his numerous statements that going back to school would be what her mother wanted, although she had felt that it was him who wanted her to go. She could recall that feeling nagging at her as she stood next to him at the airport, begging him to fly out with her for a few days just as Johanna had been planning on doing to make sure she was settled for the new semester, but he wouldn't go and when her flight was called he had hugged her, told her he loved her and gave her a light but forceful push toward the gate. She remembered how her throat had ached with sobs that she held back the entire flight as that nameless feeling clawed at her.

That feeling had been intensified two weeks later when her father had arrived home to find her dragging her luggage back into the house as she announced she was transferring to NYU. He had yelled at her for what seemed like hours and she could still recall the faint scent of alcohol that had clung to him throughout his tirade before he retreated upstairs and left her alone for the rest of the night.

She had felt that way on and off for years, and now with her mother behind the closed guest room door, dealing with her own demons, that feeling was brought home again. Was it an emptiness that she felt? Despair? Abandonment? Loneliness? Fear? She didn't know, she could never quite pin it down but she had a feeling that it was a little of all of those feelings that she had named in her mind.

She didn't have to sit there and wallow in it; she didn't have to let the quiet unnatural stillness of the room suffocate her and her thoughts to torment her. She could pick up the phone and call Castle, but she didn't. A part of her felt badly enough for unloading all of her burdens onto his shoulders, despite his assurances that he didn't mind. Besides, she reasoned, he needed to rest since he had kept vigil outside of her apartment all night.

She could call Lanie, but she wouldn't. Lanie would tell her all the things she didn't want to hear about bottling up her feelings and how life is short and she should deal with her mother. No, she didn't want a lecture from Lanie tonight even though she knew her friend always meant well. She could call her father but she didn't want to, he had after all spent the day dealing with her and her mother and he would once again press upon her his views of what he felt was the right thing for her to do.

Kate sighed and clicked off the television and then went through the motions of making sure the apartment was locked and that everything was turned off before she headed in the direction of the hallway. She paused before walking down it, her wayward mind betraying her once again as it forced her to think of the last option she had to help her rid herself of that horrible unnamed feeling.

She could just go and knock on the guest room door and ask her mother if she was alright. She could tell her that she was sorry for her outburst earlier in the day, but she wasn't and Johanna would know that she was lying, and she knew how her mother felt about her lying.

Her feet moved her in the direction of the guest room door, a dim shaft of light visible beneath it telling her that her mother was still awake as she had suspected all along. The words she had heard her mother exclaim rang in her ears, '_You're not the one letting her down'._ She could open the door and tell her that she hadn't let her down, at least not in the way she thought she had. She could tell her that her anger had been more directed at herself for pushing away her own sense of logic in hopes of finding the missing documents and being presented with a name she hadn't had before, a name that would lead them to a resolution of this nightmare. She had let herself down by allowing herself to believe that her mother would hold the key.

Her hand raised and curled into a fist ready to knock lightly upon the door but then she drew back, her hand falling back to her side and she quickly retreated across the hallway to the sanctuary of her own room. She could've lifted that one burden from her mother's shoulders…but she wouldn't.


	13. Chapter 13

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews. Happy Holidays!_

Chapter 13 – Stronger

'_What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'- Kelly Clarkson_

The days following the disappointment of not finding the missing court file and notes were filled with unease as Johanna's feelings of failure and self disgust sunk her into a state of depression that she didn't seem able to shake. That feeling caused her to pull back from her efforts to reconcile with Kate, as a little voice in the back of her mind whispered that her daughter deserved a better mother, someone who wouldn't have caused so much turmoil in her life, someone who could've gave her the answers she needed.

Kate felt the change in her mother's demeanor and she didn't quite know what to make of it. All she knew was that she should feel relieved that her mother had seemingly admitted defeat in the area of making amends with her, and yet she didn't feel that way at all. It was if she were caught in some type of web that she was desperate to escape, a part of her wishing that Johanna would just go back to forcing conversation between them, and the other part of her at war with those feelings, reminding herself that she shouldn't want anything to do with the woman sharing her home. She felt concerned as she watched her mother close herself off from her but she didn't know how to fix it and then there were her own nagging issues, mainly a sense of regret that she hadn't knocked on her door that night and eased her mind. Perhaps if she had things wouldn't have deteriorated to this level of strange silence that was rarely broken.

Of course it didn't help matters that they were both living with a target on their backs, it didn't help that every morning they held their breath as they searched the area by the door, looking for a new note and coming up with nothing which only served to set their nerves on edge.

"I don't understand," Johanna muttered one morning when they had both stood there in the living room and gazed at the empty floor. "Why isn't there anything? Why leave one and then go back to nothing?"

"They're playing with us," Kate answered quietly, "Like a cat with a mouse. They're just sitting back somewhere waiting, and most likely watching for the right moment to leave us a new message or to up the ante. They know were not going anywhere and they know that we have no evidence of who's behind this so they don't feel the need to hurry. Hurrying could lead to mistakes being made and whoever it is can't afford any more mistakes. He'd rather play for awhile, see if he can make you go away on your own as he's done to much easy killing and it's starting to pile up and make him vulnerable. He's switching tactics, making this look like something it isn't, as if we were merely being stalked by someone with a different M.O., he thinks that will shift suspicion away from him and what occurred in the past."

"How long do you think that will last?" Johanna asked her.

Kate looked at her but her mother wasn't one for meeting her gaze lately, "Only time will tell."

That conversation had been the most they had spoken during those days of Johanna's depression, and Kate was almost grateful when she was called out on a case. She didn't want someone's life to be shattered by murder, she didn't want anyone to die, but she had to admit that she welcomed the distraction and the excuse to stay away from home as much as possible.

For three and half days, Johanna rarely saw her daughter and she hated herself for feeling relieved to have some space between them. Kate called to check on her as much as possible, and she stopped by for a moment or two if she was out, or she'd send Rick or one of the boys to make sure everything was fine. She came home late in the evenings, and fell into a routine that Johanna was sure she had perfected over the years; a quick bite to eat, a shower, and then straight to bed so she could be up early and ready to go the next morning.

Jim stayed with her during those days when Kate was occupied with her work, despite Johanna's protests that he didn't need to babysit her the entire time Kate was away from home, but he wouldn't hear of not staying and once they were past that small argument she found those long days spent with her husband enjoyable for the most part. He made her unpack her suitcases and settle into the guest room for what they all knew was going to be an extended stay, and he tried desperately to break through the melancholy that would wrap tightly around her whenever their conversations would falter or she'd find herself without something to keep her busy. She worried that her mood would run him off once Kate came home and announced that she had closed the case she was working on, but when he had left that evening he had promised to be back the next afternoon; graciously allowing her to have some time to herself, probably in the hopes that she would pull herself out of this downward spiral.

* * *

As she sat at her desk the next day, Kate found it hard to concentrate on her paperwork and she turned to Castle who was playing a game on his phone.

"Do you have plans tonight?" she asked him, drawing his attention away from the screen of his phone.

"Not until about eight, why what do you have in mind?" he asked with a raised brow and a teasing smile meant to make her think that he had taken the question in a totally inappropriate manner.

She laughed, "Nothing like you're hoping," she told him and he made a show of pouting which only made her laugh more, "It's just been awhile since we went to the Old Haunt," she said somewhat cautiously, hoping he caught her meaning.

He got what she was saying and he nodded and leaned close to her so he could speak in a low tone of voice, "You're in need of a 'Castle session'?" he asked.

Kate bit her lip and nodded, "Do you think you'd have time for a small one when I get off work?" she asked.

"For you, always," he stated, "I'm taking mother and Alexis out to dinner, but thanks to my procrastination the reservations I got are for eight, so I can easily fit you into my schedule, but there may be a small fee for such short notice," he teased.

"Do I even want to know?" she asked.

He nodded, "You'll like it, it will be very enjoyable."

She stifled a laugh, "Does it involve spinning a bottle?"

"Who told?" he asked in mock outrage.

"Lucky guess," Kate answered as she turned her attention back to her papers.

"Now I'll have to think of a new tactic," he mumbled with a dramatic sigh.

She was suddenly in the mood to tease him, "You know," she said, her tone low and slightly seductive, "There's really no need for the bottle."

He looked at her, trying to mask his surprise that she had made that statement, "There isn't?"

She shook her head, "We didn't need one when we were outside my door that one day," she reminded him.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

Kate looked up at him somewhat flirtatiously, "I don't know, Castle, what am I saying?"

He didn't know what to make of this sudden turn of events, "I'm not going to answer that," he told her.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want my bubble popped," he replied with a wry grin.

"Would I pop your bubble?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered without hesitation, "And you would enjoy it…you're vindictive like that," he teased.

"Careful," she told him, "I might change my mind about the need for a bottle."

"Did I say vindictive?" he said, "I meant vivacious."

"I'll pretend that I believe that," she replied, "Since you're being so accommodating by fitting me into your busy schedule."

"That's just the handsome compassionate kind of guy that I am," he told her, eliciting an eye roll for his trouble.

"I'll also allow you to have your delusions."

"Thank you, they make life easier," he responded, "But what about your mother? I know she isn't supposed to be alone in the evenings."

Kate picked up her phone, "I'll go call Dad and make sure he's going to be there with her," she told him as she rose from her chair and made her way to the empty break room.

She wasted no time getting right to the point of her call once he answered.

"Are you at my apartment?" Kate asked her father.

"No, I'm at home, why, is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong. Are you going over to see her?"

"She has a name," Jim stated.

"Yeah, but she doesn't like it when I call her Meg," she replied.

"That's not her name."

"According to the government it is."

"Katie."

"I can't see myself calling her Johanna during casual small talk," she answered, "That just seems weird."

"You're not supposed to call her Johanna," Jim said.

"Fine, are you going over to see your wife today?"

Her father sighed heavily, "You mean your mother."

"Yeah, your wife," she said.

"Katie, I don't want you to take this wrong way but sometimes when I talk to you lately I have the urge to smack my head off the nearest hard surface."

She bit back a laugh, "You could get a concussion that way."

"It might be worth it," he stated, "I might knock myself out and when I wake up you and your mother will have resolved your problems."

"You're not that lucky," Kate told him.

"Don't you think you could at least refer to her as your mother? Can't you call her mom?"

"I didn't call for a lecture," she told him, "I just want to know if you're going to be visiting her."

He wasn't ready to let her off the hook that easily, "Visit who?"

"Really?" she asked, "Are we going to do this?"

"Ask the question the way you're supposed to and then I will give you an answer," he told her firmly.

She rolled her eyes and counted to ten before speaking again.

"Are you going to be visiting my mother today?" she asked in annoyance.

"That's better," he said lightly and she knew he was most likely smiling on the other end of the line. "Yes, I was about to head over there when you called."

"Why couldn't you have just said that when I first asked?"

"I wanted to annoy you," he told her.

"I feel like slamming _my_ head off a wall now," Kate told him.

He laughed, "Well you know what they say about paybacks."

She bit her lip for a moment, "Thanks Dad."

"What's this all about Katie?" he asked, deciding to have mercy on her.

"There's something I want to do after work and I don't want her to be there by herself, so I figured if you were going to be there I could go for a little while."

"You have date?" he asked teasingly.

"No!"

"Where are you going?" he questioned his tone with amusement.

"Out," she stated, "As in away from the precinct, and away from my apartment."

"Who are you going with?"

"What am I, 15?" she asked.

"There's no age limit on these questions," Jim informed her.

"I'm going with a friend," Kate stated.

"What kind of friend?" he asked teasingly.

"The usual kind," she answered, "You know, the human type."

"So you're going with Rick," he stated.

"Why do I talk to you?" she asked.

Jim laughed, "Because you have to."

"Look, I'll only be an hour late, hour and a half tops, okay?"

"That's not much of a date," he replied.

"It's not a date," she said firmly.

He was laughing in her ear again and she was wishing she had never called.

"Alright, Katie, you go and have a good time. I'll take care of your mother, we'll be fine."

"Thank you," she said, "Now I'm going to hang up because I'm starting to hate you just a tiny little bit."

Jim chuckled at her remark, "I'll see you later, Katie. I'll head over there now."

She said goodbye and ended her call.

"All set?" Castle asked when she returned to her desk.

"Yes, but next time, remind me to send a text instead of calling."

"Was there a problem?" he asked.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, the same problem we always have whenever we discuss his wife."

Castle laughed, "You mean your mother?"

She looked at him through slightly narrowed eyes, "Oh my god, I always thought that if you and my father were to be around each other a lot that you would be the one corrupting him, and here it's turned out the other way around. He's corrupting you."

Castle laughed, "Is there a cure for that?"

"I don't know," she answered, "But if there is, I'll find it and re-program you."

* * *

Hours later they were in his office and he was waiting patiently for her to tell him what was on her mind.

"It's …weird again," Kate said as she paced in front of his desk.

"I didn't know that it had stopped being weird," Castle answered.

She frowned as she paused and looked at him, "It hadn't exactly," she answered, "But now it's different and…I don't know, worse than the fighting and the unspoken truce we seemed to have for a few days."

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"She just hasn't been herself since we went through those papers. She's a little better when Dad's around but when it's just us…it's…weird," she said for lack of better words, "It's too quiet."

"I thought that's what you wanted," he said as she took up her pacing once again, "I thought you wanted her to back off and leave you alone."

"I did…I do," she answered, "It's just I don't know…"

"Don't know what?"

"That's the problem, Castle!" she exclaimed, "I don't know."

He grew pensive as she finally stopped her pacing and perched on the edge of his desk.

"Oh," he said as it clicked in his mind, "You don't know if you want that anymore."

"I didn't say that," she stated and he could see a glimmer of panic in her eyes at the thought that she might be backing down from the firm convictions she had held when all of this had began. "My feelings haven't changed," she said seriously.

"I didn't say that they have," he remarked.

"But it was implied by you saying that I didn't want her to back off and leave me alone anymore."

"No," he said, "I didn't imply that at all, I know that you're still hurt and angry and that you will be for a long time, but circumstances have pushed the two of you together and maybe your feelings have changed in the form that you are willing to have some form of communication with her since you can no longer avoid her."

"But why should I even want to talk to her, Castle?"

"Because she's there, because she's your mom…because obviously that night the two of you sat up together you were able to have a conversation with her that didn't end up in someone having to walk away or someone yelling. Maybe a part of you liked that, Kate."

Maybe a part of her had, maybe that's why it bothered her so much. With a sigh she decided to tell him about the conversation she and Johanna had shared that night and how she had almost gone to her the following evening but had backed down and retreated to her own room instead.

"You feel bad about that?" he asked.

"In a way," she answered, "Maybe if I had this could've been avoided."

"It's not your fault if she blames herself for the file being gone," Castle told her.

"I know but I don't want to feel like I made it worse. It's like when you want to apologize but you haven't done anything to apologize for."

"So what you're saying is that you know it's not your problem but you feel compelled to fix it."

"Yes," she answered, "But I shouldn't have to fix it."

"Then don't, let her work it out on her own."

"But I don't like this mood she's in, Castle," she stated, "It's not her."

"Then do something about it."

"But what do I do, Castle?" she asked quietly, "How do I make it better, without giving too many expectations?"

"Let me ask you something first," he stated and when she nodded in agreement he asked, "Did you believe her when she said that she doesn't take normal conversations as meaning that your feelings have changed?"

"I believed her," she answered although it pained her in some ways to do so.

"Then take her word for it, and if it seems like she's starting to expect more than you can give, then tell her so and ask her to take a step back."

"That still doesn't tell me how to fix the problem at hand," she answered.

"You do the same thing she did when she was faced with your silence."

"Which was what?"

"Strike up a conversation," he answered, "That's what she's been doing, and it would be better for you if you were the one doing it."

She nodded, "Because if I'm picking the topic, I'm in control."

"Exactly."

"But what about the thing I feel bad about," she asked, "What am I supposed to do about that? I have no apology to make so what do I say?"

"Whatever you feel is best," he told her, "It doesn't have to be profound, just something to offer her solace and to absolve you of the guilt you feel for saying nothing."

"I guess I could do that," she replied.

He nodded and smiled at her, "You can do this, Kate," he said in encouragement.

She smiled, "Thanks, Castle."

"Listen," he said, "I know I said I'm not sorry for being in the back of Ryan and Esposito's car that night, and I'm not, but I am sorry for…"

"Don't," she said as she laid her fingers against his lips.

"But…"

"No apologies, Castle," she said, and to make sure he couldn't utter a word she leaned forward and kissed him. That kiss signaled the end of their conversation for the evening, as it grew more and more heated as he shifted her from the edge of his desk to his lap. All sense of time was lost to her as they continued to explore this new territory that they had been finding themselves in, his hand slipping beneath the hem of her shirt and running cautiously over her skin. His phone buzzed, interrupting them and causing them to pull back before things got too carried away.

Castle grabbed his phone from the desk and read the text message from Alexis.

"I have to go," he said as Kate removed herself from his lap, "I forgot about dinner."

She glanced at her watch, "I was supposed to be home an hour ago!"

He laughed at her, "Breaking curfew again, Miss Beckett?"

Kate smirked at him, "Consider your fee for last minute scheduling paid in full."

"Told you you'd enjoy it," he commented as they hurried out of the office after making sure they were presentable to the outside world.

"Don't be smug," she told him with a laugh as they went their separate ways.

* * *

At Kate's apartment a lull in their conversation had caused Johanna to grow quiet once again, and Jim didn't quite know what to do with her. She had never been like this before, trapped in some sort of melancholy state that he didn't seem able to break through. As much as he hated to see her cry, he'd almost prefer it, as she'd at least be expressing what she felt. He'd never known her to suffer from depression, she had always bounced back relatively quickly when something upset her…but she was different now and he felt as helpless in the face of her silence as he often felt when confronted with the same problem with Kate.

"Did Katie say something to upset you?" Jim asked, even though he knew his daughter was growing concerned about Johanna's behavior as well

"No," Johanna answered, "I barely saw her those days when she was working a case, and now that things are back to normal, so to speak, we haven't said much of anything to each other."

"Is that what's bothering you?" he asked, "The two of you have slipped back into ignoring each other?"

"No," she told him.

A thought occurred to him then and he hated to ask the question on his mind but he had to, "You're not hiding anything, are you?" he questioned as he kept his gaze on her face to gauge her reaction.

"Like what?" she asked with a slight air of defensiveness.

"Are you being threatened in some new way?" he asked.

"No!" she exclaimed, "Do you really think I'd hide it if I was?"

"Do you really want me to answer that question, Johanna?"

She looked stung by the remark and a part of him regretted the accusatory nature of his tone.

"I'm not hiding anything, especially any new threats. I'd be putting Katie in jeopardy by doing that and that's not something I want. It's bad enough that she's in it this much."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to accuse you."

She sighed, "I suppose you're entitled to accuse me if you want," she replied.

"Is it me?" he asked.

"No," she said, "God no."

"Look at me," he instructed and her gaze flicked back to his face, "This isn't like you," he told her. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours Johanna."

Impulse had her sliding down the couch towards him, drawing up her legs as she went, and when she reached his side she curled up against him, her head on his chest.

He didn't react for a moment, as it dawned on her that she hadn't waited for an invitation to invade his personal space and she began to fear that he'd push her away, but then his arm wrapped around her securely and she relaxed against him.

He said nothing, waiting for her to speak instead, figuring that she had wanted to be held while she told him her troubles, like they had done so many times in the past but she remained silent and he still was at a loss of how to reach her.

"You know," he said quietly, "I already have one woman in my life who rarely tells me whats going on in her mind."

"At least she tells you some of the time," she answered.

"Come on, Jo, out with it, tell me whats wrong. One minute your fine and the next you're quiet and off in your own little world."

"It's nothing," Johanna whispered.

"If it was nothing, it wouldn't be bothering you."

"It'll pass," she assured him, "It always does."

His hold tightened on her and she looked up at him to give him a weak smile that had been meant to reassure him, but the expression he regarded her with in return was the one he often wore when speaking of Kate and her tight lipped nature. A look that conveyed worry and helplessness and she hated it, but she just couldn't find the words to explain the depths of her feelings and the bleakness of her thoughts and she wasn't sure that she would tell him even if she could. Years spent without him, and necessity had made her adept at keeping her feelings locked inside of herself. She knew that Jim wasn't the only one bothered by her behavior; she knew that Kate was watching her and regarding her with a new sense of unease.

She sighed heavily this bout of depression may have seemed odd to Jim and Kate, but she had become accustomed to these spells of darkness that seeped into her life as if it were a black cloud hovering over her. She'd spent her whole first year in Wyoming, locked in a constant state of depression as she grieved for the life she had lost and went through the motions of beginning a new one. Her teaching job had helped some, making a few friends had helped a little more, but it was always there waiting to sweep across her mind.

It was an open secret that Meagan Stevens wasn't quite herself from mid November, when thoughts of Kate and her birthday and the upcoming holidays would rule over her heart and mind, to early February when her own birthday was passed. Of course the joke was on everyone else, Johanna thought, for Meagan Stevens had never been quite herself. Her closest friends, Carolyn and Jack, always tried to pry it out of her, the reason behind those long spells of her being withdrawn and distracted but she always shut them out.

Five years in, Carolyn had shown up at her door determined to make her talk. She wouldn't though, even though she was desperate to unburden herself to someone, but she couldn't. She couldn't tell the truth and she couldn't lie anymore than she already was and so she suffered in silence, battled it on her own despite Carolyn's advice to see a doctor about it. After that she had gave more of an effort at hiding her distress but she knew from the way they looked at her that she failed miserably every time November set in.

As she nestled closer to Jim, breathing in the scent of his cologne, she wondered if her friends ever took note of the other dates on the calendar when she'd become distant and quieter. Mother's Day usually found her in bed, remembering handmade cards that Kate had given her as a child, the flowers Jim had given her from both of them, and the gifts that her daughter was always anxious to bestow upon her. July brought Jim's birthday, and more tears, and thoughts of him that lingered in her mind for days afterward coupled with the ache of longing to be with him. Her anniversary in August was always spent with a bottle of wine, and a hangover the next morning. January was always the hardest as it brought the remembrance of what she had done. It brought the overwhelming memories of the last time she had seen Jim and Kate. Memories so strong that they could bring her to her knees when they slammed into her each time the calendar changed from the 8th to the 9th.

If Kate thought that every moment of that day was only documented in her mind she was wrong, because Johanna remembered it all too. She remembered all to well slipping out of her husband's arms that morning. Remembered Kate's chatter as she sat at the table while she cooked breakfast. Remembered how hard it had been to act as naturally as possible as she hugged her daughter tightly, kissed her forehead and told her she loved her. She could easily recall that last look back at Kate, the smile that had been on her face.

She remembered sitting in the car with Jim outside her office, kissing him goodbye with what she knew was a sense of desperation, and what he had taken as a sign of passion left over from the night before. She remembered the feel of his hand gliding up her leg, his fingers brushing along the hem of her skirt and the words he had whispered in her ear.

'_Katie will be out all day, we could just go back home and go back to bed.'_

She had wanted nothing more, and as she had kissed him again she had come close to telling him everything, but fear had held her back and she settled for telling him that she loved him instead, before one long last kiss that she tried to make last but it had never been enough, and then she had forced herself out of the car and held back her tears until she was alone in her office.

Her hand fisted the fabric of his shirt and she squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the images away as she clung to him. He was there with her now; there was no reason for her to torture herself.

"I wish you'd talk to me, Jo," he said softly, his hand trailing up and down her arm, "I think you're even starting to worry Katie, and if she's worried than something must be wrong."

"I'm fine," she whispered.

"If you add, 'don't worry about it' to that statement," he teased lightly, "I'm going to push you off the couch."

She laughed lightly, "It works for Katie."

"No it doesn't," he replied, "Every time she says that to me I just want to…smack her," he said, as he hadn't found something nicer to say in regards to his daughter's favorite statement.

"Kind of reminds me of her 'whatever' phase," Johanna said, "Do you remember when that was every other word out of her mouth?"

"I've been trying to forget," he answered.

"If I recall correctly you made the statement that if she said that to you one more time, you were going to put her through the wall."

He laughed, "I was tempted to follow through with it."

"Thankfully she outgrew it," she replied.

"But she acquired other bad habits," he remarked.

"Don't we all?"

"Apparently so," Jim stated, "You've obviously picked up the habit of keeping everything bottled up inside of you."

"It's just something I have to work through on my own," she answered, "It's nothing personal."

"Maybe trying to work through it on your own is the problem," he told her.

She sighed, "I don't mean to make you worry."

"I know," he answered, "Neither does your daughter."

Johanna smiled, "We're hell on your nerves, aren't we?"

He laughed quietly, "Yes, but I'm used to it."

Without thinking she tipped her head up and kissed the underside of his jaw. He tensed for a moment and she began to draw away from him, feeling as though she had overstepped her bounds. She had made no move to initiate any type of affection between them, letting it up to him to offer whatever affection he thought appropriate and now she had acted on impulse once again, most likely spurned on by the memories of the last time she had kissed him and the craving she always had to do it again.

She had slipped out from beneath his arm and was about to slide back to her original spot at the end of the couch, but he stopped her, his hand grabbing her arm gently and pulling her back towards him. She looked at him, her eyes full of worry and fear of rejection and he brushed back a lock of her dark hair before cupping her face, his thumb caressing her cheek and she leaned into the feel of his palm against her skin.

Their eyes locked on one another and she felt that spark that had always been between them re-ignite, the same feelings of longing and want visible in both of their gazes and her eyes fluttered close as he pulled her closer, her breath caught in her throat as her heart beat wildly in anticipation. It was as if it was their first kiss all over again, and she wanted it, wanted it so very badly. Just as he was about to claim her lips in that kiss that she had been so desperate for, the sound of Kate's key being inserted into the lock filled the air, startling them and causing them to jerk apart.

"Sorry I'm late," she said as she dropped her bag and keys onto the stand near the door before turning to face them. "What's going on?" she asked, as she took in their expressions which seemed to imply that she had interrupted something.

"Nothing," they both said at once.

Kate regarded them with a raised brow, "Nothing? Doesn't seem like nothing."

Jim glanced at his watch, "You were supposed to be home an hour ago," he said changing the subject, "What were you doing?"

Kate grinned, "So we're back to interrogating me as if I were 15 again."

"I think we have a right to know," he told her, "After all you were supposed to be here before now."

"You must not have been worried," Kate said, "You didn't call."

"Your mother said you were too old for me to be interrupting your dates," Jim stated.

"I didn't say that," Johanna stated as she finally found her voice.

"It wasn't a date," Kate protested.

"Then what were you doing?" Jim asked.

"What were you two doing?" she replied.

"Don't change the subject," he told her with a smile.

"We went out for a little while, okay?" she answered.

"So it was Rick," he stated and she rolled her eyes.

"Isn't it always, Dad?"

"Did you have a good time?" Johanna asked.

Kate blushed as she remembered just how enjoyable some of that time spent in his office was, "Yeah, I had a good time."

Her father eyed her, "It wasn't a date and yet you're blushing."

Kate shot him a look, "So is she," she stated as she pointed towards her mother.

"I don't know anything about that," Jim stated as he looked at Johanna with amusement, her cheeks turning redder now that Kate had called her out on it.

"Sure you don't."

"We probably weren't doing anything that you weren't doing," Jim said teasingly.

"We were just talking," Kate lied.

"So were we," Johanna stated but her eyes didn't meet Kate's.

Kate nodded as she eyed them with suspicion, "Conversation better be the only thing going on on my couch."

"Katie!" Johanna exclaimed as she moved further away from her husband.

Jim laughed, "Alright, but while your mother is living here, that same rule goes for you."

"Should I start calling first before I come home?" she asked.

"That's entirely up to you," he stated.

Kate shook her head, "I can't even believe we're having this conversation."

"Me either," Jim told her, "Let's talk about you instead."

"Let's not."

"Why not?" he asked, "Don't you want to tell us about your non-date?"

"No, I don't think I do," she replied with a smile.

"You seem awful happy," Jim said as he studied her with an assessing gaze.

Kate shrugged, "Is it a crime for me to be in a good mood?"

"No," he answered, "It's just that I don't recall the last time you were in a good mood."

She narrowed her eyes at him, "You're funny today, Dad."

"Someone has to be," he replied, "It's pretty bleak around here."

"What are you saying?" Kate asked lightly, "We aren't good company?"

"You have your moments of bad manners," he replied.

Kate laughed, "Like you don't."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, catching sight of a small smile on Johanna's face as they bantered back and forth.

"What do you call your interrogation sessions?" she asked, catching the look he shot her that seemed to be telling her to carry on with their discussion as it seemed to be making her mother relax a bit.

"I call it being a father," he replied.

"Isn't it time for you to retire from some of that?" she asked with a grin.

"Never," he stated, "I will never relinquish my right to interrogate you. I spent years perfecting the technique and I'm not about to give it up."

Kate rolled her eyes and looked to Johanna, "Did I miss dinner?"

"No, I'll make something," she said as she got up and moved toward the kitchen.

* * *

As they ate dinner Johanna became quiet again as Jim carried on a conversation with Kate that he had hoped that Johanna would join in. Finally as his wife and daughter cleaned up the kitchen he recalled something that was sure to grab Johanna's attention.

"I saw your old boyfriend the other day, Jo."

She turned her head in his direction, "What boyfriend?"

"Charles Patterson," he answered.

"Who's Charles Patterson?" Kate asked.

"Ask your mother, she's the one who dated him."

"I did not!" she exclaimed, "I went out with him once, and you know it."

He grinned at her, he knew it alright. He could still remember how angry she had been with him and that she had gone to a party with Charles Patterson as revenge, and he could still see her as she was that night, dressed in that sexy strapless black dress that had fit her like a glove. He'd spent the whole night at war with himself, part of him wanting to drag her away somewhere and rid her of her snug little dress, while the other part of him wanted to strangle her for not only being on the arm of the man he had hated the most, but for having one hell of a good time with everyone but him.

"So am I going to hear this story or not?" Kate asked him as she began to wipe the counters.

"That's your mother's story to tell," he said as Johanna fell silent, a light smile on her face.

He watched her as she finished washing the dishes and he made the decision that there was one thing he had to do before he left for the night.

"Give me a few minutes alone with your mother," Jim whispered in Kate's ear as she leaned down to wipe some crumbs from the table.

She nodded and finished her task and then threw the dishrag onto the sink, "I'm going to take a shower," she announced and then she left the room, acknowledging her father's discreet nod with one of her own.

When he heard the bathroom door shut, Jim rose from his chair and approached Johanna as she stood at the counter, drying the last few dishes. He carefully pulled the plate from her hands and laid it aside along with the dish towel and then he slipped a hand around her waist and turned her towards him. She looked at him in confusion and he smiled at her before leaning close to whisper in her ear.

"I still can't believe you wore that dress to go out with him," he stated.

She smiled as he pulled back to look at her face, "I think you should know by now that I didn't wear it for him…I wore it for you."

"You couldn't have done a better job at driving me crazy that night," he told her.

The darkness that had been lingering in her eyes cleared a little as she bit her lip and looked at him, a satisfied smile spreading across her lips.

"I did put a lot of effort into it," she told him.

"I didn't think you'd go through with it," he said, allowing the memory to wash over him once again.

"I proved you wrong," Johanna answered as he pulled her closer to him.

He nodded, "I had a few brief thoughts of strangling you for it," he told her.

She laughed softly, "And yet you always proclaim that you weren't jealous."

"I have a reputation to protect," Jim answered.

"I believe you called mine into question that night," she told him.

"I didn't like the way every man in the room was looking at you," he admitted.

"I wasn't concerned with them," she answered, "I was only worried about if you were looking at me or not."

"Believe me, I watched you the entire time, waiting for your jackass of a date to try something with you so I could punch him."

Johanna laughed, her real laugh this time, unrestrained and tinged with joy. "I guess it's a good thing things ended up the way they did."

He nodded, "It's a good thing you didn't let him walk you to your door."

"If I had known you'd be there waiting for me, I might have."

Jim shook his head, "But then I might have ended up in jail," he told her before leaning close to her ear once again, "And then who would've helped you out of that dress?"

She blushed as she looked at him, the memory of the way they had ended that night filling her mind as he once again took her face in his hands and lowered his face to hers. This time there were no interruptions as his lips captured hers and her arms slipped around his neck of their own violation. One long slow kiss that wrapped up 13 years of longing, grief, and need. When it was over he leaned his forehead against hers and she clung to him, feeling slightly unsteady on her feet.

"It's good to know I still have that effect on you," he told her, a hint of amusement in his voice as he tightened his hold on her waist.

Her eyes flicked open and she smiled at him, a small piece of the heaviness that had been weighing upon her gone, "I think it's safe to say that you'll always have that effect on me."

"Good, that's how it should be," he told her, and she took the risk and brushed her lips across his once more, in a brief kiss that ended just as they heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. They separated before Kate re-appeared in the kitchen and then he said his goodbyes and left them alone for the rest of the evening.

* * *

After Jim had left, and Johanna had settled in for the night, Kate made her way into the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine. She cast a glance into the living room where her mother was in her usual spot on the sofa, quietly engrossed in her book for the last hour, as she had seemed to retreat into herself once Jim had gone home.

She pulled two glasses from the cupboard and filled them, and then recalling Castle's words of encouragement and said to herself, "You can do this."

She picked the wine glasses up and carried them into the living room. She hesitated for a brief second before stepping in front of her mother and holding a glass out to her.

"Thank you," Johanna murmured as she laid her book aside and accepted the glass.

"I figure we're entitled to it," Kate said quietly as she took her place on the sofa.

Johanna nodded in agreement before taking a long sip, but silence still filled the air between them as the television played in the background. Kate couldn't stand the quiet anymore, it grated upon her nerves and she had to do something, there was no backing down from the plan she had in mind, but finding the words to offer some sort of comfort, and a topic of conversation to fall back on if things got too intense, wasn't easy.

Finally she took a deep breath, a sip of wine, and dredged up her courage.

"A long time ago," she said softly, catching Johanna's attention and drawing her gaze towards her, "There was this woman in my life who would tell me things that I didn't always want to hear; and sometimes she would tell me things that would take me years to believe or understand."

Kate paused for a moment, still struggling with the words she was about to speak, and made sure that her mother was listening, and finding that she still had her attention, Kate looked her in the eye and held her gaze.

"One of those things that she told me was that life never delivers anything that we can't handle."

Johanna's eyes widened at the sound of the familiar statement. She had said those words to Jim and Kate more times than she could imagine; her mother had said them to her more times then she could count.

Kate's gaze was still upon her and it took her a moment to swallow the lump growing in her throat so that she could speak.

"What if she was wrong?" Johanna asked softly.

"I'd hate to think that she was," Kate answered, "Especially after she spent 19 years telling me she was right…about everything."

"She may have exaggerated to make certain points," she replied.

"I don't doubt that," Kate said, "But I think there is plenty of evidence that she wasn't wrong about the statement in question."

"You think so?"

She nodded, "You survived, didn't you?" she asked, "You handled the change that it brought to your life," she said as her gaze shifted away, but not before Johanna caught sight of the hurt that lingered in her eyes.

"I survived," Kate stated, her focus coming back to her mother, her unoccupied hand, straying to the scar hidden beneath the thin cotton of her tee-shirt, "I may not have handled it the way I should have, but I handled it just the same."

She took a sip of her drink before finishing her statement; the words that were meant to offer a measure of comfort and absolve the guilt that Johanna felt about letting her down a week before.

"We've handled not having the answer for this long," she said slowly, "We can handle it awhile longer…but we will find it eventually."

Johanna was struggling with her emotions, "Do you really think so?" she asked, her tone shaky.

Kate caught her eye again, "We'll find it, we'll handle it, and we'll survive."

Her mother attempted a weak smile as she nodded, the blackness of her mood receding further.

"I hope you're right."

Kate forced herself to hold eye contact with her as she said, "I won't let you down."

"You could never let me down, Katie," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

"But I've spent a lot of years feeling as though I had…I still feel that way even though you'll tell me I shouldn't, so don't feel like you let me down because the papers were gone. I don't blame you for that; it's not your fault that the bastard went through so much trouble to get rid of every shred of evidence."

"But you were right," Johanna said, "Everything you said was the truth, I should've…"

"No," Kate said, "We're not going there; we're not going to rip the scab off of that one tonight. Just let it rest…please."

She nodded, although she'd rather get it all out in the open, but she didn't want to force the issue and have Kate shut her out when she had been the one to initiate the conversation.

"I guess if that woman did only one thing right in her life," Johanna stated, "It was raising you to be the woman that you are."

Kate looked away as her eyes stung with the sudden appearance of tears, "She had her moments," she said softly.

Johanna watched her as she discreetly wiped a tear away, her carefully crafted mask slipping a little, giving her a glimpse of the anguish that laid beneath. She wanted to comfort her, to make her apologies but she knew neither was wanted so she shifted her gaze away, focusing on the red liquid in her glass, allowing Kate a moment of privacy to put herself back together, but then she felt something nudge against her fingers as her hand rested on top of the book she had laid down in the empty space between them. She glanced down in time to see the tips of Kate's fingers curl around her own. She held her breath and cautiously returned the pressure of her light grip.

Kate didn't dare look at her, she was struggling enough with the contact of their fingers resting against each other. She had to give her mother credit, she didn't attempt to take more of her hand then she offered, and she didn't say anything in response, but Kate found herself floundering. She hadn't expected the emotion that had came with touching her mother's hand. It was painful in some ways as it brought back the feelings of how she had never expected to be able to do so again, the remembrance of how much she had missed her mother's touch. It choked her, this overwhelming feeling of being in contact with her, of the fact that the fingers pressing against hers were the same ones that used to brush away her tears, or a stray lock of hair; that it was the hand she had held as a child, the hand that laid against her feverish forehead when she was sick, the touch that had always been there to give her comfort. It was too intense and she slowly and carefully pulled her fingers away, taking note of the fact that Johanna didn't try to stop her.

Johanna fought her own wave of emotions as she kept her gaze focused elsewhere just as Kate was doing. She felt that flicker of hope spring to life inside of her once again and the clouds that had started to clear when Jim had kissed her, were now breaking apart and allowing the light to shine back through as she relished the feel of her daughter's fingers wrapped around hers. She didn't give in to the urge to tighten her grip as Kate slipped her fingers away from hers, and she didn't say anything as she assumed that was what Kate wanted. It hadn't been much, just a brief moment of holding onto each other in that very small way but it was enough, at least for now, and she wouldn't push her luck by trying to prolong it or asking for more. She wouldn't push Kate to give more of herself than she could.

They sat quietly once again, allowing the dialogue of the television to fill the air that crackled with the sense that there had been a small shift in the tide between them, and they each sipped their wine and tried to compose themselves. Kate was once again giving herself a pep talk in her mind, knowing that she needed some type of conversation to ease the intensity in the room. Suddenly she was reminded of the conversation after dinner and she was thankful to her father for unknowingly providing her with what she felt was a safe topic.

"So," Kate said as casually as possible, "Who's this Charles Patterson that you dated?"

"I didn't date him!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Then what was it?" she asked as she took a sip of her wine.

Johanna took off her glasses before turning in Kate's direction, "I went out with him once. I didn't even like him; he was an ass who thought he was god's gift to women and that we should all fall at his feet and worship him."

Kate regarded her with a raised eyebrow, "You felt that way about him and yet you went out with him?"

"I had to," she replied before taking a sip of wine.

"You had too?"

Johanna nodded, "I wanted to piss off your father and Charles Patterson was the person he hated the most."

This was getting intriguing, Kate thought to herself and she was suddenly glad that she had taken the initiative and launched the conversation.

"Why did you want to piss off Dad?" she asked.

"He pissed me off first."

"Were you together then?" Kate asked as she tried to put this scenario in context.

"No, that's what I was mad about in the first place," she answered before taking a drink of her wine.

"I have a feeling that when I was originally told the story of how the two of you ended up together that you left out a few details."

"Yeah," her mother said, "I left out this whole part."

It grew quiet for a moment and Kate spoke quietly, "I wouldn't mind hearing it."

Johanna looked at her and took in the expression on her daughter's face. It was the look of someone treading carefully, an expression that conveyed that she was trying to make an effort at some sort of normalcy for both of their sakes and she could tell that although it was difficult for Kate to offer her an olive branch, that it was what she needed as well.

"I guess I owe you a story in return for sharing yours about the case that involved Temptation Lane," she answered.

Kate bit her lip and then took up the conversation, "What was going on between you and Dad back then that caused this involvement of Charles Patterson?"

"I was tired of playing games," Johanna answered, "We were friends, but it was more than that, you know?"

Kate nodded in understanding. She knew more about that topic than she cared to admit.

"I felt like he was leading me on half the time, and the other half I felt like he didn't care much about me at all, of course those were the occasions when he was off chasing after women like Melanie Thompson."

"Who's Melanie Thompson?"

"We'll get to her later," Johanna said, "I'll probably need more wine for that one."

"So what happened?" Kate asked.

"We went out one night, like we had a habit of doing although it was never classified as anything more than an outing with a friend. I let him come in with me when he took me home and he kissed me, a habit that seemed to be getting frequent at that time although he made no attempt to claim me as his girlfriend."

"And that made you mad?" Kate questioned.

Johanna sighed, "We were complicated," she admitted, "And it didn't help matters that your grandmother had been harping at me that I wasn't getting any younger and that it was time I settled down and started a family."

"You were only in your twenties," Kate stated, "It wasn't like you didn't have time.'

"Things were different back then, Katie," Johanna told her, "It may have been the seventies and women were becoming more empowered but those old stereotypes were still hanging on tightly, especially among people like your grandparents who grew up in a different time where you were supposed to be married and having babies by a certain age…like 21, and I of course was past that age."

"So are you saying this fight was grandma's fault?"

"In some ways," she replied, "It was in the back of my mind every time your father refused to make some type of commitment to me. I was in love with him and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, but he seemed to be slow at catching on."

"Did you tell him that you loved him?"

"No," she answered, "I wanted him to say it first."

"Why?"

Johanna looked at her, "I was afraid of saying it first, I was afraid that he didn't feel the same and that it would ruin everything; but if he said it first then I could admit my own feelings without fear of rejection or making a fool out of myself, and I had already made a fool out of myself plenty of times in front of him. It wasn't something I wanted to repeat on a grander scale."

"I see," Kate said as she understood her mother's reasoning.

"But I was getting fed up with this little dance we seemed to be doing and for whatever reason I kind of went off on him that night, pushing him to make our relationship something more than just friends."

"What did he say?"

"He tired to play it off, telling me we were already more than friends and then he tried to kiss me again but I pushed him away, because I was getting angry with him. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I wanted more, I wanted to take things to next level in an official capacity."

"And he didn't like that idea?" Kate questioned.

Johanna shook her head, "No, he didn't like that idea at all. He told me I should just be happy with the way things were because he was happy with things as they were between us and he didn't know why I wanted to go and ruin it, which only made me angrier, partly because it kind of made me feel cheap."

"I can see how it would," Kate agreed.

"I then made the mistake of asking him if he ever wanted to have a committed relationship with someone."

"What did he say?"

"He turned around and looked at me and said, '_Of course I want a relationship like that, but who said it was going to be with you?'"_.

Kate's mouth dropped open in surprise as she couldn't imagine her father saying such a thing to her mother, but the look on Johanna's face as she recalled the memory served to prove the truthfulness of the statement.

"That must've hurt," she said quietly, a memory of her own swimming to the front of her mind, the remembrance of words that Castle had uttered only months before, _'She's fun and uncomplicated and that's what my life needs.'_

Johanna nodded, her eyes betraying that even the remembrance of that moment still pained her. "It hurt," she stated, "It hurt more than if he had slapped me; and from the look on your face I have a feeling you know exactly how I felt."

Apparently her own painful memory had made its presence known on her features and there was no use in denying it for she knew her mother would see right through her.

"I know how it feels," she admitted her tone barely a whisper but Johanna heard her loud and clear. "Different words," Kate said, "But probably the same feeling of hurt."

Johanna was eyeing her, obviously weighing the merits of inquiring about the situation.

"Did you forgive him?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Who was this person?" Johanna asked as she continued to study her.

Kate flicked her glance towards her, "I think you probably already know."

She nodded, "I had a suspicion."

"We're not going to talk about it," Kate stated.

Johanna sipped her wine, "How come we can talk about my relationships but not yours?"

"It just worked out that way," she replied, "Now are you going to tell me the rest of this story or not?"

The emotion that had played out upon her daughter's face vanished, her mask slipping back into place, betraying little of her thoughts or feelings once again.

"I didn't know what to say to him for what seemed to be forever after he made that statement. I just stood there looking at him, feeling my heart break into a million pieces but I wasn't going to cry in front of him."

"So what did you do?" Kate asked.

"I turned all of that hurt into anger and I went off on him like you wouldn't believe. I told him I was tired of being used, of being his go-to girl when no one better was around. I told him that if he didn't have any feelings for me than he had no right to lead me on and to think he could just kiss me whenever he wanted and then walk away and expect me to want only friendship, I was so angry with him I can't even remember what all I said to him, but when I was through I told him to get out and don't come back."

"Did he go?"

"He went."

"Then what happened?" she asked, and Johanna felt that once again she had her daughter's attention and interest.

"We avoided each other for the next week," she told her, "In all the time that we had known each other up to that point, we had never gone that long without speaking. The next week we had to talk to each other occasionally because of a case, but I wouldn't speak to him about anything else."

Kate laughed softly, "What did he think of that?"

She glanced at her, "He didn't seem bothered at first, you know how he is, he thinks if he just keeps showing up eventually you'll give in and see things his way."

"Yeah, he does have that habit," she agreed.

"The third week came and I was still ignoring him, unless it had to do with work. He had apparently decided that he was tired of the silent treatment and he kept coming by my office, like he always had, acting like nothing had happened but I was still angry and hurt and I basically ignored him."

"Was he starting to worry?"

"I think so," Johanna replied, "On one of those days I was working late and I had thought everyone was gone but he here came, bringing me a flower."

"He was worried," Kate said with a smile.

"I told him to give that flower to someone he'd rather spend his time with."

"You didn't take it?"

"He wouldn't take it back, he told me he had gotten it for me, that he wanted us to be friends again and that he wanted to see me smile. I told him I wasn't feeling friendly and I wasn't in any mood to smile."

"You made him suffer, didn't you?"

"No more than he deserved," she answered, "He left the flower on my desk and I threw it away."

"But where does Charles come into this?" Kate asked.

"He comes in at about this point," Johanna said, "Every summer the firm held a big party, under the guise of celebrating its anniversary but we all knew it was just an excuse to have a good time and get drunk. I was young then so I was all for it, but anyway, Charles Patterson had already worked his way through the majority of women secretaries, lawyers, and assistants. In fact I have a feeling the only ones left were me and Sharon."

Kate looked at her, "Is that the same Sharon that was your secretary?"

Johanna nodded.

"She was with you back then?"

"Yes, she was."

"I didn't know that," she replied as she recalled her mother's secretary.

"Sharon was with me from the beginning and as you know I considered her one of my best friends, and of course I had told her all about what had gone down between me and Jim and she was offended on my behalf and felt he should be made to pay, I agreed with her but I hadn't come up with a plan yet. She was engaged then, which put her off Charles's radar but that left me. Charles didn't like Jim, and of course the feeling was mutual, and your father didn't like Charles to be anywhere near me. He had asked me out before and I turned him down every time, but that didn't stop him from hitting on me, and I think half the time he only did it to make Jim mad because he always made sure he was within earshot for most of his comments to me. Everyone knew that Jim and I weren't getting along as we usually did, but I have a feeling that Sharon may have said something to Charles about asking me to that party."

"Oh god," Kate said.

"He asked me, and of course I saw the opportunity that it presented me so I said yes."

"Did Dad find out?"

"Sharon made sure that he heard all about it."

She couldn't help but laugh, "I bet he enjoyed that piece of information."

Johanna laughed, "He waited until everyone was gone and then stormed into my office and said, _'What the hell is this I hear about you going to the party with Charles?'. _

"That didn't go well, did it?"

"He was so mad," Johanna recalled with a laugh, "He said to me, _'I thought you were going with me.' _And I looked at him as if he were crazy and said, '_Whoever told you that was wrong'. _He didn't like hearing that."

"I'm sure he didn't."

"You should've seen the look on his face," she said the scene playing out in her memory.

"_We always go to these things together," Jim said._

"_You didn't ask me."_

"_Since when do I have to ask you?"_

"What the hell did that mean?" Kate asked interrupting her mother's recitation of the conversation.

"We had somehow gotten in the habit of him assuming I was going to go with him, and me being stupid enough to be dressed up and waiting at the door for him."

"Wow," Kate said, "You two were really screwed up."

Johanna shot her an amused glance, "I've heard the same thing about you and Rick."

Kate narrowed her eyes, "Who told you that?"

"Guess."

She rolled her eyes, "Dad, and just so you know, I don't think he has enough information to make that assumption."

"I'll pretend I believe that and move on," her mother replied.

"Good, what did you say to him when he made that statement about not having to ask you?"

I said, "_Those days are now over."_

"_What do you mean by that?" he asked._

"_I mean that I'm not wasting any more of my time on you. Just because you don't want me doesn't mean somebody else doesn't."_

_He scowled at her, "There's only one thing Charles Patterson wants from you, and it's not what you have in mind."_

_Johanna shrugged, "You have to start somewhere."_

Kate nearly choked on her wine, "You said that?"

"Yes, I did. I was on a mission. I figured the only thing I could do was make him jealous and if that didn't work, well then I'd have my answer about how he felt about me," she said before continuing on, "He didn't think I'd go through with going out with Charles, he said he knew me and that I wouldn't stoop to that level and I told him that maybe he didn't know me as well as he thought."

This just kept getting better, Kate thought to herself; in fact this story was way better than the one her mother had originally told her.

"You really were on a mission, weren't you?" Kate asked.

"Yes, I was, and I made sure to play the part of moving on as well as I possibly could. I went out and bought a short black dress that was made to drive a man crazy, and an equally impressive pair of three and half inch heels, that were silver and strappy. I loved those shoes," she said with fondness of the memory of them, "They killed my feet but I loved them."

Kate laughed, "At least the pain served a purpose."

Johanna nodded, "Jim just couldn't stand it when I showed up with Charles, and once I was sure I had his attention I made it a point to have the best time I could manage while he watched. Every time he got near me, he'd make some kind of comment about me making a fool out of myself and I'd tell him that the person I had made a fool out of myself for was him. Finally, I think he got fed up with me ignoring him and having fun with everyone else and he left, which was a relief to me because then I could stop acting like I was having fun with Charles Patterson."

"But I have a feeling it doesn't end there, does it?"

"No, it doesn't end there," Johanna told her, "Your father was waiting at my door when I got home."

"What about your date?" Kate asked, "Didn't he walk you to the door."

"I wouldn't let Charles Patterson walk me to my door if he had paid me to," Johanna replied, "I didn't want him to get any ideas that he would be coming in with me and staying, of course if I had known your father was there waiting for me I might have let him walk me to the door."

She laughed, "I don't think that would've went over to well."

"No, it wouldn't have," Johanna said, recalling the words Jim had whispered in her ear just hours before. "He didn't give me a choice about letting him come inside my apartment," she stated, remembering how he had gripped her arm and followed her inside once she had unlocked the door.

"Then what happened?"

"We fought some more," Johanna told her, "But I'm not going to repeat that argument," she stated, "We didn't mean most of it, but I'd rather you not hear the things we said to each other in the midst of it, so I'll just skip to the part that matters. While we argued he admitted that he loved me, which of course had been my goal so once it was out in the open I wasn't mad anymore."

Kate smiled as she finished the story, "That's it?"

Johanna shook her head, "No, but you don't want to know the rest, and I wouldn't tell it if you did."

She nodded and held up a hand, "Enough said."

"So now you know who Charles Patterson is and how your parents really ended up together," Johanna stated.

Kate smiled softly and this time she directed it at her mother, "It was a better story than the one you originally told me."

"I wanted to give you a Cinderella story back when you first asked."

"I've found that fairy tales are highly overrated," Kate answered.

"I had always hoped that you'd never find that out," Johanna said quietly.

Kate shrugged, "We all get disabused of the notion of happily ever after."

"Happily ever after is possible," her mother said, "It just doesn't come easy."

Kate thought over the statement and wondered if it was some sort of coded message directed at her. If it was then it was best to ignore it.

"You didn't tell me about Melanie Thompson," she said, changing the subject.

Johanna finished her wine, "She was my competition," she stated.

"Sounds interesting," Kate replied.

Her mother nodded and then looked at her, "Perhaps we should save that one for another night."

Kate nodded slowly; as long as they were staying away from the sore spots, she was sure she could handle having a conversation with her mother in the evenings. After awhile they retreated to their rooms, saying goodnight at their doors. Kate leaned against her closed bedroom door feeling more at ease, and Johanna did the same, feeling the depression that had been ruling over her disintegrate. It was time to pick themselves up and move forward…for the future remained uncertain.

_Authors Note: Danger will return, and this is by no means a reconciliation between Kate and Johanna, they still have a long way to go._


	14. Chapter 14

_Authors Note: Sorry for the delay! Blame the holiday and a snowstorm. Thanks for your reviews and I hope you enjoy this one as it has a bit of a lighter tone for the most part._

Chapter 14 –Unwell

'_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, but stick around and maybe you'll see a different side of me' – Matchbox Twenty_

Kate's phone buzzed as she walked into the kitchen Sunday afternoon, and she pulled the device from her pocket and smiled as she saw Castle's name attached to a new text message.

"_She's driving me crazy," _he had written.

"_Who?" _Kate typed back.

"_My mother,"_ he answered.

"_Welcome to my world,"_ she replied as she cast a glance at the kitchen table where Johanna was sitting with her laptop. She didn't know what her mother was doing and she didn't really care, she just wished that she'd stop tapping her foot while she did it.

"_You wouldn't want to take mine off my hands would you?"_ he asked.

"_Are you insane? I have my own 'mother' issues, why would I want to take on another one?"_

"_You should know by now that the state of my sanity is definitely questionable."_

She bit back a laugh as she reached for one of the cookies Johanna had baked that morning. It seemed as though her mother was going to fall back on the old habit of baking to relieve her stress. She had never understood what it was her mother gained from the action; her father always said that he thought it was the violent nature of cooking or baking that appealed to her. All of that mixing, stirring, beating, chopping, and breaking were outlets of her aggression, he had claimed.

"_You want me to see about having you committed?" _Kate typed back to Castle.

"_Only if you're coming with me," _he answered.

"_I have a feeling it may come to that," _she replied as she shot another glance at her mother.

"_Do you think they'll let us share a room?"_

"_Maybe if you make a sizable donation to the institution," _Kate told him.

"_I could do that," _he responded, _"How much do you think it would cost me to share a room with you at the asylum?"_

"_I don't know, how much do you think I'm worth?"_

"_Your worth cannot be measure in mere dollars,"_ Castle replied.

She smiled, _"Good answer; that was sweet."_

"_I didn't want to name a price that was too low and have you shoot me for it."_

"_And then you ruin it."_

"_The real question is what do we list as the nature of our insanity?" _he asked_._

Kate thought for a moment and then typed, _"Mama drama?"_

She ate another cookie as she waited for his reply, which was taking a little longer to come in, but when it did she laughed out loud.

"_Thanks, Kate, now I'm laughing like a lunatic at what seems to be nothing; which has attracted her attention back to me and she's looking at me as if I just slipped off the edge of reason."_

"_Well we were discussing insanity; it's only natural for you to exhibit the symptoms."_

"_But I don't want to be committed before I have to," _he responded, _'I want to wait so we can go together."_

Kate laughed again and she saw Johanna glancing at her oddly and she forced herself to swallow her laughter.

"_Don't worry, my mother is now looking at me as if I'm unstable; chances are good that we can carpool to the asylum."_

"_Good, I don't want to go alone…there's crazy people there you know."_

She burst into laughter again, drawing Johanna's attention once more.

"You okay," her mother asked.

Kate nodded; a smile still on her lips, "I'm fine."

"_So you really just want me along to protect you, right?" _she typed back to Castle.

"_That, and a writer shouldn't be without his muse."_

"_What are you saying, you'd commit Nikki and Rook too?"_

"_Of course."_

"_I don't think that one would make the New York Times Bestseller List, Castle."_

"_Go wash your mouth out with soap for saying dirty words like that!" _he teased.

Kate giggled again and Johanna looked up from her screen.

"You're not having some kind of breakdown are you?" she asked.

"No," she answered, "Why would you think that?"

"In the time I've been here I haven't heard you laugh like that, or that much."

"I'm still sane for the moment," she told her mother as she turned her attention back to the phone.

"_Technically I didn't say it, I typed it," _she responded_ "So I won't be washing my mouth out with soap, but since I don't want you to be disappointed, you can try to convince me that having Nikki and Rook institutionalized would be a good plot line."_

"_Could be an undercover mission," _he answered.

"_Intriguing,"_ she admitted.

"_Then there is the possibility for kinkiness ;)"._

She tried not to laugh out loud but failed, and the thought of leaving the room didn't cross her mind as she responded to the message.

"_With what? Straight jackets?"_

"_I think I could sell the idea," he told her, "But I might have to research it first. You want to help me with that?"_

"_No, I don't think so."_

"_Bubble popper."_

"_You bring it upon yourself," _she typed with a laugh.

His reply was once again slow in coming and she assumed that Martha was most likely after him again, so she leaned against the counter and waited for his next message as her mother's nervous habit grated on her nerves.

"If you don't stop tapping your foot, I'm going to come over there and step on it," Kate told her.

Johanna glanced up from her computer screen, "Fine, and the next time I catch you tapping your fingers I'm going to smack them."

"I'm not trying to be mean," Kate replied, "But you're driving me crazy!"

"Don't feel bad," Johanna told her, "I'm going crazy too!"

"What's your problem?" she asked her.

"Nothing."

"Just spit it out so we can deal with it," Kate demanded.

"I'm going stir crazy, Katie," Johanna stated, and then seeing her daughter make a face at the name she had used, she forced herself to resist the urge to roll her eyes and said, "I'm sorry _Kate, _I've been calling you 'Katie' all of your life and it's hard for me to remember not to sometimes."

She smirked, "That's alright, Meg," she said as her phone buzzed with the new message.

"Don't start that again!" Johanna exclaimed.

"_It's never good when Martha Rodgers is bored," _read Castle's new message.

She was forming a reply in her mind when Johanna's voice broke her concentration.

"I haven't been out of this apartment since we went to the market, Kate. I can't stand it, I feel like I'm losing my mind."

Kate looked at her, "Some would make the argument that you've already lost it."

Johanna narrowed her eyes at her daughter, "I take it that you would be the one making that argument."

She shrugged, "I'd say no but then you'd know I was lying, and I know how you feel about people other than yourself when it comes to lying."

Johanna dropped her gaze back to the computer screen and mumbled something under her breath that Kate couldn't quite decipher. She turned her attention back to her phone and Castle's comment about Martha, and then she was struck by an idea.

"_What if she had someone to play with?" _she wrote, as Johanna's foot tapped against the floor twice before she caught herself and stopped.

"_What do you have in mind?"_

"_A solution to both of our problems."_

"_Do tell," _he replied.

"_I've just been informed that Meg is bored and losing her mind from being locked in my apartment, so if you don't mind company, I'll bring her over and she and Martha can entertain each other, while we hide in a different room. What do you think?"_

His response came within seconds, _"Hurry."_

She laughed and typed, _"We'll be there soon."_

Kate slid the phone in her pocket and looked to her mother, "Go get ready," she told her.

"Ready for what?"

"To go out, I've found somewhere for us to go, and once we get there we don't have to be in the same room with each other."

Johanna smiled, "Thank you."

* * *

Ten minutes later they were in the car and on their way to Castle's loft. He swung the door open dramatically and smiled widely.

"Thank god you're here," he said as he pulled Kate inside the door and motioned for Johanna to follow.

Martha appeared and tugged her away from Castle long enough to hug her and Kate noticed that Johanna looked away while she was being embraced by other woman, but she turned her gaze back towards them and smiled when Martha approached her.

"Well, Johanna, it appears as though our children are trying to get us out of their hair and pawning us off on each other as if we'll take it as some kind of punishment for bothering them," Martha stated with a smile.

"My mother always said that when you got to be a certain age you're kids wouldn't want to be bothered with you anymore," Johanna replied.

"Apparently she was right," Martha said as she looked at Castle.

"When have I ever said that you were unwanted, Mother?" he asked her.

"Plenty of times," she remarked.

"Name one," he said.

"Oh, Richard, I don't have time to go into all of that. I have a guest to entertain."

Castle looked at Johanna, "She says that because she can't think of anything."

"Oh I'm sure she could think of something," Johanna teased.

"Falsehoods and fabrications," he replied.

"Don't listen to him," Martha said, "He just wants to show off for Kate."

Kate laughed and then she saw the look on Castle's face and laughed harder.

"Why don't you two go play," Castle told them "We'll go in the office and the two of you can have the run of the rest of the place."

"Isn't he generous?" Martha quipped.

"Very," Johanna stated "And don't you just love the role reversal going on here, where they're the parents and we're the children?"

"It's terrible, isn't it?" she asked.

Castle turned to Kate "I think they'll get along just fine, they have us to complain about and that should fill a couple of hours for them."

She nodded and then looked at Martha "When you two get tired of complaining about your kids, Martha, she loves the theater so I'm sure she'd enjoy hearing some of your stories."

"Wonderful," Martha stated before turning back to Johanna, "Would you like a cup of tea while we get acquainted Johanna?"

"That would nice," she replied and she allowed Martha to lead her to the kitchen, while Castle and Kate watched them go.

"Do you think that's true, about kids not wanting to be bothered with their parents after a certain age?" he asked.

"No, not really," she answered "That's just their way of using guilt when they get to be a certain age."

"So you don't think that one day Alexis won't want to be bothered with me?"

She smiled and took his arm as they moved towards the office, "I think hell would probably have to freeze over first, Castle."

"But what if it does happen?"

"Don't worry," she told him, "You'll still have me to annoy."

"Promise?" he asked.

"Always."

Martha and Johanna had overheard the conversation and they shared a look.

"They're quite a pair, aren't they?" Martha said quietly as they moved out of view.

Johanna nodded, "They seem to be," she remarked, "But I've been informed by Katie that that topic is off limits."

"That's probably because they spend a lot of time not talking about that topic with each other," Martha replied as she prepared the tea, "So we'll have to amuse ourselves with a different topic."

Johanna smiled and she had to admit that she was already feeling a little bit better by being here and she knew that Kate was most likely happy to be there as well.

* * *

Kate dropped into a chair in Castle's office and noticed that his laptop was on.

"You should've told me you were trying to write," she stated, "I wouldn't have came over and gave you more distraction."

He glanced at her, "You're my muse, you're supposed to distract and inspire, and today you're doing me an extra service by bringing your mother over for a play date with mine."

She grinned, "That's for my benefit too."

"We're all about benefiting ourselves," he stated with a mischievous smile.

"Go ahead and write," she told him, "I'm happy to just sit here and enjoy the peace."

He looked at his laptop and then back to her, "You don't mind if I finish this section I'm working on?"

"No," she replied, "I don't mind, you don't mind if I stay in here though, do you?"

"Of course not," he told her as he poised his fingers to type.

She leaned back in the chair, closing her eyes and allowing the soft clicks of the keys lull her as she wondered what kind of adventure he was crafting for Nikki. She must've dozed off for a few minutes as she was startled awake by a peel of laughter coming from somewhere within the loft. She raised her head and looked towards the desk and found Castle still in his chair, his fingers still flying across the keys.

"Good news," he stated, "Laughter has been ringing out for the last twenty minutes. I think they've bonded."

"Great," she answered, "She needs a friend."

He nodded, "You want to hear even better news?"

"Sure."

"Apparently your presence in my office inspires me, I finished the section I was working on and went right into the next one."

"Glad I could be of service," Kate said as she stretched.

"Feel free to come by and nap anytime," he told her, "I might make my deadline and shock Gina into silence."

She laughed softly, "Sorry, Castle. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you."

He looked up from the screen long enough to smile at her, "Don't worry about it," he replied, "I didn't even notice it at first. I thought you were just being quiet, thinking that talking would disturb me and when I commented on it and you didn't answer I realized that you had fallen asleep and decided to let you be."

"Imagine that," she replied.

"I know, it's a testament to my self restraint," he stated with a grin as he continued to write.

"How long was I asleep?"

"About a half hour," Castle told her, "Did you not sleep well last night?"

Kate shook her head, "Not really."

"What was the problem?" he asked.

"Nothing, I just didn't sleep well. I haven't slept well since this all started," she told him, neglecting to mention that her sleep had been interrupted by the same nightmare that her father had woke her from when her mother had first moved in with her.

"What's going on with Nikki today?" she asked him as she gestured towards his computer.

"Are you asking me for spoilers?"

She nodded, "Seems that way."

"I can't give you spoilers!" he exclaimed.

"Why not?"

"Because you have to wait like everyone else," Castle told her with a grin.

"That's not fair."

"How is it not fair?"

"I'm the inspiration," Kate explained, "I think that makes me entitled to a few spoilers."

Castle shot her an amused glance and then made a show of shuffling through the items on his desk.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I was looking for my 'muse entitlement' handbook but I seemed to have misplaced it, which is a shame because now I can't look up your rights of entitlement in regards to spoilers."

Kate smirked, "Don't worry, I have it memorized. Section 3 on page 14 states that the muse is entitled to spoilers, not only because it's the nice thing to do, but also because it constitutes a means of compensation for the aggravation that the writer sometimes inflicts in regards to his 'research'."

He leaned back in his chair, tapping his chin with his index finger and making a face as if he were in deep thought.

"I don't recall my handbook having that page," he stated.

Kate laughed, "Even if there was a handbook, you wouldn't read it. You know how you are; you'd rather make up the rules as you go along."

His eyes sparkled merrily, "Who needs rules?" It's way more fun to play without them."

"Until you get yourself in trouble," she quipped.

"When have I ever gotten myself in trouble?" he asked in mock indignation.

"Oh I don't know, how many times have I arrested you?"

"Only twice," he stated, "That's hardly a reason to brand me for life."

"How many times do I have to arrest you before it's enough for branding purposes?"

He thought for a moment, "At least five times," he replied "But I'd much rather you slap the cuffs on me in a more enjoyable manner."

Her lips were curved into a smile as she regarded him with a knowing look, "You want there to be a tiger involved again?"

He shook his head, "No, thanks. I've had my fill of wildlife."

"Will Nikki and Rook be finding themselves in a similar predicament?" she asked.

Castle grinned at her ,"Fishing again, Detective?"

Kate laughed, "Come on, Castle, you can tell me. I won't tell."

"I don't know," he said, "I wouldn't want it said that I was playing favorites."

"No one will know," she told him, "It's not like I tweet or anything."

He was quiet for a moment and then a sly smile spread across his lips.

"Oh god," she said as she rolled her eyes, "This can't be good"

"There's a fee for spoilers," he stated mischievously.

Kate smiled, "I paid a fee the other day."

"Yes, but that was for your 'Castle session', this is totally different."

She regarded him with a look of amusement, "I bet you'd give Miss Cosmo spoilers, you'd probably let her read what you had written."

Castle laughed, "You are so adorable."

"I see you're not bothering to deny it," she stated, ignoring his statement completely.

"Now, Kate," he said, "You know that Miss Cosmo getting to read before you was a one time thing. It didn't mean anything to me, I swear."

She couldn't help but laugh as he sounded like a cheating husband, "You don't expect me to believe that, do you?" she asked as she played along.

"How can you doubt my loyalty to you?" he said dramatically, "Don't I bring you coffee? Don't I provide you with milkshakes and burgers at Remy's? Don't I let you play spin the bottle with me? Don't those things mean anything?"

Distant laughter from their mothers rang in the air mingling with her own giggles.

"You let me play spin the bottle with you?" she said amid her laughter, "I thought _I _was the one who allowed _you _to play with _me._"

"That's just what I let you think."

"Then why were you the one trying to cheat?" Kate asked.

"To throw you off," Castle replied.

"Liar."

He laughed, "I prefer the term 'playfully deceptive'."

"I'm sure you do," she replied.

"By the way, I forgot to ask, what did your parents say about you coming home an hour late the other night?" he asked.

"They didn't even realize I was late until I walked through the door and told them," she answered.

He laughed "Really?"

She nodded "I have a feeling I interrupted something."

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

"They looked guilty," Kate said.

"Guilty?"

"Yeah, probably like we looked that night at the hospital when dad was grilling me about why I didn't answer the phone."

He laughed harder, "You better start calling first."

"It's so not funny, Castle," she remarked.

"Yes it is," he answered, "You almost caught them making out."

"Yeah, on my couch!" she exclaimed, "It's not funny, how would you like to have that problem with Martha."

He cringed, "I have had that problem."

"Was it funny?" she asked.

"No…it was so not funny."

She laughed lightly, "See, I told you it wasn't funny."

"It's funny when it happens to other people," he remarked.

"But only if those people aren't us, right?"

Castle nodded, "Right, now if it happened to Ryan or Esposito, that would be hilarious."

She nodded, "Yeah that would be funny."

"Can you imagine if we caught Gates making out with someone?" Castle stated

Kate cringed, "That's a terrifying thought, Castle. I'd almost rather catch my parents."

He made a face that matched hers in reference to the question he had posed, "You're right, it's terrifying. What kind of evilness in my brain even made me think of that?"

"I don't know," Kate replied,"But you better get rid of it whatever it is."

"Do you think I need an exorcist?" he asked.

She laughed, "Probably not but I'd pay to see it."

"What do you suggest to cleanse my mind?" he asked his eyes shining in amusement.

"Smack your head off the desk a few times and see if that works," she told him with a grin.

"You just want me to inflict bodily harm upon myself."

"It's only your head," she replied, "It isn't like anything important would be getting damaged."

He glared at her playfully, "No spoilers for you Miss Beckett."

"Oh come on," she replied, a teasing smile on her lips "You know you want to share with me."

"I'd like to share lots of things with you," he said suggestively.

She smiled, "Start with spoilers and work your way up."

"Tease."

"Is that the best you can come up with?" she asked.

"Minx," he stated, rising to the challenge.

"Oh so you do have another word in your vocabulary," Kate said with a laugh "I'm impressed Mr. Bestselling Author."

"Don't make me come over there, Kathrine Beckett," he told her, his boyish grin slipping into place.

"And what do you think you're going to do to punish me?" she asked.

"Kiss you into submission," he answered.

"With both of our mothers right outside?" she questioned.

"Makes it more daring," he told her.

"Until they walk in on us, and then it's embarrassing."

He wrinkled his nose in distaste, "You had to go and ruin it, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I had to," she told him, "I have a reputation as a bubble popper to protect."

"I bet you're the number one bubble popper in the world," Castle said.

Kate smiled and fluttered her lashes at him, making him laugh. "Well I don't like to brag," she answered, "But I am pretty damn good at it."

"At least you don't deny it."

"What would be the point," she replied, "You'd know the truth."

He smiled at her, "I can read you like a book," he teased.

Kate laughed, "Castle, that was cheesy, even coming from you."

"But you liked it," he told her.

"That comes from spending four years with you; I think you may have corrupted me somewhat."

He laid a hand over his heart, "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

Kate was giggling again and so was he, and she looked at him and said, "Maybe we do need committed."

Loud laughter from their mothers filled the air before he could respond.

"Maybe it's them that needs to be committed," he told her with a nod towards the door.

"Get me the papers and show me where to sign," she replied.

"What will we mark as the nature of their insanity?" Castle asked.

"We'll just write, too many to list, just pick one at random."

He laughed, "I like it."

"So are you going to tell me what Nikki is up to?" she asked when their laughter faded.

"No."

"No?"

"Nope."

"What do you have to hide?" she asked, "A new sex scene?"

He grinned, "No, but now that you've mentioned it I'll probably think of one to add in."

She rolled her eyes, "Great."

"Spectacular," he teased, "It'll be spectacular."

"It better not involve a straight jacket."

He laughed, "I'm saving that one for the next book."

"I'm sure Gina will love that."

"I'm telling her that it was your idea."

"I'll shoot you."

"Okay so I won't tell whose idea it was."

"It was yours."

"But why should I take all the credit?" he asked.

"Because you're a glory hog," she remarked.

He picked up a pen and jotted down the line she had just said.

"What are you doing?"

"That's a great line; Nikki's going to say that."

"To Rook?"

He nodded, "Now the question is; does she say it before the sex scene or after?"

"Castle!"

"After it is," he said.

She couldn't help but laugh, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I almost can't wait to see how you spin that one."

"I'll make it perfect just for you," he told her.

"Well now that I've given you a line of dialogue, can I get a spoiler?"

"No, but I will thank you in the acknowledgments."

"You always thank me in the acknowledgements."

"I'll put a footnote on that page that says this line written by 'Kate Beckett'."

"Do I get a cut of the royalties?" she asked with a smile.

"You already get a cut of the royalties," he replied.

"I do not."

"Yes, you do. What do you think pays for your coffee?"

She laughed, "You know you write my coffee off on your taxes."

"Shhh," he said, "You never know if the IRS has your office bugged."

"I don't think the IRS does that. That would be the F.B.I. or the C.I.A."

"Can you really trust any organization that runs around calling itself by its initials?" he asked.

She thought about her experiences with the F.B.I. and the C.I.A, and then said "Good point."

"Can you imagine me going around calling myself R.E.C.?"

Kate laughed, "Your initials spell rec."

He looked at her in puzzlement "What?"

"R.E.C. it spells rec, you know, like you're a wreck."

"See that's a good reason of why I can't be known by my initials," he stated as she continued to laugh.

"It's not that funny," he told her.

"I think it is," she replied.

"Let's see what your initials spell. K.H.B., sounds like a division of the KGB…and you can speak Russian…"

Kate smirked at him, "You're not going to suggest that I'm a spy, are you?"

"Of course not," he replied, "But are you?"

"Are you?" she asked.

"Not that I know of," he answered.

"Me either, I'm the unfortunate victim of the people who named me."

"Which parent is responsible?" he asked.

"J.E.M.B.," she replied.

"I can't decipher that code," he replied, "Especially with both of your parents having a first name that starts with J."

"Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett," she told him, "She is the person responsible for the name I have."

"Shall we punish her?" he asked mischievously.

"I think she's probably being punished enough," Kate answered, "Now quit trying to change the subject and tell me what you've gotten Nikki into this time."

"I didn't think you were so very interested in Nikki," Castle remarked.

She looked at him in disbelief "Why would you think that?"

"I just kind of always thought that you didn't care too much about her."

"How can you say that!" she exclaimed, "You know I love the books, do you think I'd go to those damn book release parties if I didn't like Nikki? Would I let you keep following me around if I didn't like the way you portrayed the character?"

He was slightly taken back by her reaction, "Well it seemed that way in the beginning," he said.

"Yeah, at first I wasn't crazy about the idea. I didn't like the attention, and the teasing, but that all died down a long time ago; and I wasn't crazy about the name, because it does sound like a stripper but I've gotten used to it. I got used to you pulling my pigtails, Castle, and I got used to Nikki. I accept her and I enjoy her. I didn't always realize how special it was to be apart of what you do, but I do now and I have for awhile. Nikki's a part of me, Castle…you're a part of me."

His heart melted and it took him a moment to find his voice. "You're a part of me too, Kate."

"I know," she answered softly, because she did know, and not only because of the secret she had been keeping for over a year. She knew because he showed her everyday."

"I guess after a speech like that, the least I can do is tell you that Nikki is guarding a witness."

She looked at him for a moment, "You didn't make her mother come back from the dead, did you?"

His eyes widened, "No! No, that situation is off limits," he proclaimed.

"I appreciate that," Kate told him.

"I wouldn't put that out there for the world's enjoyment, Kate. I know how much this situation has hurt you, I know that you're struggling and I wouldn't use that in a book. Nikki's mother is dead, and she's going to remain that way."

"Thank you."

Castle nodded, "Nikki is guarding Rook."

She burst into laughter, "Are you serious or did you just make that up."

He grinned, "I'm very serious."

"Oh my god," she said, "I can't wait to see how that turns out."

"You'll love it," he told her, "Rook has his own ideas about how a witness should be protected."

"I'm sure he does," she replied, "And I imagine that Nikki is going to have a hard time controlling him."

"You'll have to wait and see," he teased, "But what do you think of it?"

Kate grinned, "I think it's going to be a bestseller."

"Of course it is!" he exclaimed, "How could it not be, It's written by me and inspired by you, those two things alone are enough to make it number one."

"Pat yourself on the back, why don't you," she stated with a laugh.

"I'd rather you do it," he replied with a wicked smile.

She rolled her eyes, "That doesn't surprise me."

* * *

When the laughter from her last story had faded, Martha figured that Johanna had warmed up to her enough to allow for more serious topics.

"How are things between you and Kate?" she asked quietly, wanting to hear Johanna's perspective on the matter.

Johanna sighed and ran her finger across the rim of her mug before lifting her gaze to meet Martha's.

"Honestly?" she said, "I don't know."

Martha regarded her for a moment before speaking, "How can you not know?" she questioned gently.

She smiled sadly "Because she doesn't give anything away, she rarely says what's on her mind, and she never tells me what she feels. She wears a mask and it rarely slips enough to give me much of a view of the person beneath it, and I don't always know how to handle that. I'm not used to her not being open, we had a good relationship, and while I know that she didn't tell me _everything, _I still felt as though she told me enough and that I could read her well enough to pick up on certain things that she didn't feel able to bring up without a little prodding, but she's different now."

"She's grown up now," Martha replied, "And she's been through hell."

Johanna nodded, "I know, and nothing I can say or do will make that go away; but I'd at least like to be able to talk to her about it, I'd like to tell her that I'm sorry and that I've never stopped loving her or Jim; that a day never went by when I didn't think of them. I just want to explain to her why I did what I was told to do."

"Have you tried?"

"She doesn't want to hear it. Anytime I try to bring it up she shuts me down. Those topics are on the list of things we're not allowed to discuss."

"What are you allowed to discuss?" Martha asked.

"Trivial things, mostly," Johanna answered, "Books, television, movies. She allows questions about her job and once in awhile about her friends. I noticed a school picture she had sitting on the bookcase and I asked her about it last night and she did tell me that it was Alexis and she spoke of her without hesitation. She asked me to tell her about something Jim mentioned about our past…that conversation seemed to go pretty well, in fact that was probably the best conversation we've had".

"Well that's something, isn't it?" Martha asked.

She nodded, "Don't get me wrong, Martha, I know she's trying, I see the effort she's making at keeping control of her temper and she's not blatantly ignoring me anymore, but it's still…"

"Not in a good place," Martha finished for her.

"Yeah, it's like walking on egg shells, or through a mine field. You don't know where to step, and you don't know when the explosion will occur or if either one of you will come out of it unscathed."

"Do you think there will be an explosion?"

Johanna looked at her, "Eventually one of us is going to get tired of this and things are going to reach a boiling point and it's going to erupt and I know that it's probably going to be Katie who does the erupting."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I know it's going to happen so I try to be prepared for it. I know that I'll deserve whatever it is that she throws at me, and I tell myself that I'll be able to handle it."

"But you're not so sure that you'll be able to handle it?" Martha asked.

"Martha, I'm not sure of much of anything."

The actress nodded and smiled as she patted her hand, "Kate's a tough one, she got hurt and she wants to protect herself."

"Especially from me," Johanna stated.

Martha nodded, "Not to make you feel worse, but yes, especially from you. She doesn't trust easily, and it takes her a while to warm up, but I think if you'll wait for her to come around in her own time, you'll find the results worth the wait. She wasn't always so at ease being here, she didn't always trust Richard, but now she's comfortable with us."

"I can tell that she's comfortable here," she replied.

"It took time for her to get used to us," Martha told her, "But we didn't give up on her, when she'd come by we'd make her come in and sit down for awhile, we carefully gave her the affection she seemed to be lacking and needed and of course Richard learned how to earn her trust and friendship. You have to be careful with Kate, you can't push too hard or she'll run, and you can't give up on her because she'll just accept that and move on. You have to find a balance, and you have to find little ways of giving her what she needs without her really realizing that you're doing it."

It was strange to hear another woman telling her how to handle her daughter but she understood what Martha was telling her and she accepted the advice without feelings of jealousy.

"I'm trying."

"I know you are," she replied, "And I can't imagine how difficult all of this has been for you. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been to leave your family, because I can't fathom how I'd ever survive if I couldn't see my son and granddaughter."

Johanna took a shaky breath "It's the worst feeling in the world," she told her, "I think it's probably worse than if they had just allowed them to kill me…and sometimes I wished that they had."

Martha looked at her with eyes full of compassion, but not pity or sympathy and she was grateful for that, for the last thing she wanted was pity, and she didn't feel that she warranted sympathy when she had a hand in what her life had became.

"It's going to take time, Johanna," Martha said quietly, "It's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of fights and a lot of tears, and neither one of you will be able to fully heal until this case is closed."

"I know," she said with a sigh, "It's a long rocky road to walk."

Martha nodded, "But you don't have to be alone, if you need a friend, if you need someone to talk to, you can call me. I'll be here…for both of you."

Johanna smiled, "Thank you, Martha. That means a lot to me."

"Anytime."

Martha then turned the conversation back to stories of her days in the theater, and she managed to get a few stories out of Johanna about Kate as a child and the hours flew by and eventually Alexis came home and Kate and Rick reappeared from the office.

"We should probably go," Kate said as she looked at her watch.

"You can't go running off just yet," Martha protested "Stay for dinner."

Her mother was looking at her with hopeful eyes.

"Do you want to stay?" she asked her.

Johanna nodded, "I wouldn't mind staying, if you don't."

"You should stay," Alexis stated from the place she had taken next to Martha "I wanted to ask you a few things about college anyway and I hardly see you around anymore".

Kate nodded and smiled, "Alright, we'll stay."

"Shall we order in?" Castle asked before looking to Johanna, "Is that okay with you?"

She laughed, "I'm not against fast food for dinner, Rick. I just don't think it should be ate everyday for every meal and that your refrigerator should be stuffed with it."

"Let's not go there," Kate said as she took a seat at the table.

"We're not," Johanna told her before falling back into conversation with Martha.

Castle ordered Chinese and they all gathered around the table and had an enjoyable meal. Johanna subtly watched Kate as she spoke to Alexis and answered her questions about college life, with honesty and advice and it was easy to tell that the young woman respected her daughter a great deal. She also watched her interactions with Rick and Martha and enjoyed seeing her so relaxed and at ease, and it allowed her to be just as relaxed in their company and she enjoyed herself, and on occasion found the conversation between her and her daughter to be light and easy.

They lingered there until well into the evening, and then Kate made the announcement that it was time for them to go home. Kate watched as Martha and her mother traded phone numbers and she felt good about the fact that they had gotten along so well, but then Martha hugged her again and she saw that same strange look cross her mother's face before she turned away to say goodnight to Alexis.

Alexis came and hugged her and she saw that her mother didn't seem bothered by that but she shook the thoughts away and turned to say goodnight to Castle.

"I'm going with you," he told her.

"What?" she asked.

"It's after nine, Kate. I'm going with you and make sure everything is fine."

She smiled, "That's sweet of you but we'll be fine, there's no need for you to go. I'm armed, well be fine."

His eyes scanned her body, "Either your gun is invisible or you've found a very good hiding place."

She smirked, "It's in my purse, Castle."

"I'm going anyway."

"Castle…"

"Oh humor him, darling," Martha stated, "He was raised to be a gentleman, allow him to prove that I've done something right in raising him."

Kate smiled at her, "I think you did a fine job, Martha."

"Thank you dear, maybe you can convince my son of that some day."

Kate laughed at the look on his face, "I'll try."

"And just so you know," Martha said, "I think your mother did a fine job with you as well."

She nodded and looked to her mother, "She had her moments every once in awhile."

"You may as well let him tag along, Katie," Johanna said, changing the subject "He'll probably just follow you if you don't."

"She's right," Castle told her with a grin.

"Alright, Castle, you can be gallant and take us home."

"I knew you'd see it my way."

She smiled and shook her head, "Yeah, I had a feeling I would too."

* * *

After Castle had seen them to the door and they had settled in for the rest of the night, Kate and Johanna sat together on the couch as usual, allowing the news to play in the background.

"I had a nice time today," Johanna said, breaking the silence that lingered between them "Thank you for getting me out of here for a few hours."

I'm not a mind reader," Kate stated as she turned her head to look at her mother "If something's bothering you, like the need to get out of here for a few hours, you need to tell me."

Johanna eyed her warily as she weighed how to answer the question "I'm never quite sure what I can or can not say to you, Kate."

"I'm not going to be angry with you if you tell me that you need to get out of here for awhile," she remarked "As for knowing what you can or can not say, I think you already have a pretty good idea of what I don't want to hear from you."

"Will you ever want to hear it, Kate?" she asked seriously.

Kate held her gaze, "I don't know, maybe one day, but that day won't be anytime soon."

"I understand," she replied, "But that doesn't make it any easier to accept."

"Well, I've had to deal with a lot of things that weren't easy to accept too, but I manage to get over it and so will you."

Johanna sensed that it was time to turn the topic back around. "I enjoyed Martha's company," she told her.

"Good," Kate replied, "I hope you can be friends."

"I'd like that," she replied and then after a second she added, "She's a lovely person, I can see why you're fond of her."

Kate regarded her mother for a moment as she recalled the expression that had been on her face each time Martha embraced her, "But you don't like that she hugs me, do you?"

Johanna looked away for a moment but then she turned her gaze back to her daughter, "It's not that I don't like that she shows you affection, I would never begrudge you that; it's just that it's something I wish you would allow me to do. I would love nothing more than to hug you, Kate, but I know you won't let me."

She was silent as she absorbed that statement, and she wondered for a brief moment what it would be like to hug her mother again, if it would pack the same intensity as touching her hand had, and her heart betrayed her with a feeling of yearning.

Johanna was watching her, watching the internal struggle play out in her eyes and softly she asked, "Will you, Kate?"

Her heart wanted her to, but her mind refused her and she forced the feeling away as she shook her head.

"I can't."

Her mother nodded and shifted her gaze away for a moment. She had known that it was the answer she would receive but the foolish side of her brain had hoped that maybe, just maybe she'd allow the gesture.

"One day?" Johanna asked quietly.

"Maybe."

"Maybe is better than no," she responded, trying to act as though it didn't hurt.

Kate extended her hand across the empty space between them and Johanna looked at it and then to her in puzzlement.

"This is all I can give you right now," Kate told her, "And it's a limited time offer, so take it or leave it."

Johanna took note that she was offering her whole hand this time, instead of just her fingers, and she took hold of Kate's hand and held it, grateful that she was allowing her that small amount of contact.

It wasn't as intense this time, Kate thought to herself as she allowed her mother to grip her hand. It was still strange but it didn't pack the punch that the first time had and she was able to allow the contact to linger for a few moments longer than she had a few nights before.

"Martha has always been kind to me," Kate stated as she gently pulled her hand away.

She nodded, "I would never imagine that she hasn't been; she seems to care about you a great deal."

"I care about her too," she answered.

"I know, and I'm glad to know that you've had such kind caring people surrounding you and making you a part of their family."

"But?" Kate asked.

"But, nothing," Johanna replied "I'm glad you have them. Alexis obviously looks up to you and respects you; And it's more than obvious that Rick loves you, even if you don't want to hear me say that; and Martha does a nice job of mothering you," she hated how that sounded to her own ears and could just imagine how they sounded to Kate's. She really did like Martha, and she wasn't lying when she said she'd like to be her friend. She just couldn't help but feel jealous of the affection between her and her daughter.

"But she's not my mother," Kate said slowly.

"But you probably wish you would've had one like her."

Kate wasn't sure how to go about this conversation as she had never imagined having it in the first place, but she figured that the truth was the best way to go even if it stung Johanna a little.

"I've never wished that I had a different mother," she stated, "I was perfectly happy with the mother I had the first 19 years of my life. I loved her, I adored her, and I mourn her. It's the mother I've had for the last 13 years of my life that I have a problem with."

There was the sting of tears in Johanna's eyes but she blinked them away and told herself that she appreciated Kate's honesty.

"I don't blame you," she said quietly, "I don't care much for the mother you've had for the last 13 years either. There are days when I despise her, every day if you want the truth; and days that are overwhelmed with guilt and regret about the things she has done, and I'd give anything if I could change it or make it better, but I know that I can't. All I can do is try to make amends and try to be a better mother than I have been, and I want to be your mother, Katie. I know it will never be the same as it was but I'd like for us to have a better relationship sometime in the future."

"Maybe, one day in the future that can happen, but I can't make you any promises or guarantees; we may get to a point where we can have a relationship, but even if we get to that point it won't mean that I'll forgive you, because I'm never going to forgive you for what you've done".

"I know."

"And that's not easy to accept either, is it?" Kate asked.

"No, but it's not something that I haven't expected. I didn't want to leave you, Katie."

"We're not having that conversation, remember?"

She nodded and let the rest of her statement go unsaid.

"You'll be a good mother someday," Johanna told her as she changed the subject.

"What makes you say that?" she asked.

"I see the way you are with Alexis, the way you talk to her and the interest you show in her life."

"I'm not trying to be her mother, I'm just a friend to her," she answered.

"I know," her mother remarked, "But you act in the way a mother would, even if it's not intended that way."

"The way I treat Alexis has nothing to do with the type of mother I would be," Kate replied, "Maybe I say things to her about things like college based on memories I have of that experience, of the things you said to me. It doesn't mean anything."

"You learn to be a mother by the way you're shown, Kate, Just like I learned from mine. I wasn't implying that you were trying to be one; just that you obviously have what it takes to be one. You want to be a mother some day, don't you?"

Kate was quiet for a moment and she was afraid that she had over stepped.

"It's none of my business," she stated, "Forget I asked that."

"I would like to have a child some day," Kate answered, "When my life isn't so hectic."

"You'll know when the time is right," her mother replied.

"Yeah, and right now, it isn't right."

"Where is Alexis' mother?" Johanna asked.

"California," Kate replied, "Meredith isn't what you call a hands on mother, and from what I've been told, she never has been."

"So the raising of Alexis has been left up to Rick."

Kate nodded "Alexis has the type of mother who drops in for a visit once a year if she's lucky. She didn't even show up for her graduation."

"Did you go?" Johanna asked.

Kate's mind flashed back to the text message she had received from Castle on the day of Alexis's graduation, telling her to expect a call from the graduate, as Meredith had informed her that she wouldn't make it and Alexis didn't want to see the empty seat that had been reserved for the three members of her family. Several minutes later, she got the call from Alexis and she accepted the girl's invitation and had sat beside Rick and had shed a few tears of her own as she had listened to her valedictorian speech.

"I was there," she told her mother.

"Good, at least she knows someone other than her father and grandmother care about her."

Kate thought about Alexis and how they had suffered a rough patch of their own in the aftermath of her three month disappearance the summer before, but once she had helped her get an internship with Lanie things had seemed to work themselves out between them.

"Alexis knows I'm in her corner."

"That's good, she probably needs someone like you in her corner…just like you need them in yours," Johanna stated.

Kate nodded, "It's a comforting feeling."

"I'm glad you have that, Katie."

Kate said nothing but she glanced at her watch, "It's late, I'm going to bed, I have to work tomorrow."

Johanna rose from the couch and followed her down the hallway after she had made sure the door was secure. They said goodnight from the doorways of their rooms and then shut themselves away from each other.

* * *

Johanna was dreaming of the past, as she often did, and a series of soft anguished cries echoing from across the hallway, caused her to stir and altered her dream. She thought that she was home, in the bed she had slept in for years and she was sure that if she rolled over, Jim would be there next to her. She heard the cry again, and in her state of being trapped between dream and reality she thought the cries were coming from her little girl. They were louder now, and becoming more frequent and she assumed that Katie had entered their room and that at any moment she would hear a soft tearful voice saying 'Mommy' as she climbed into bed beside her.

Johanna's eyes opened, searching for her daughter's figure in the darkness, and suddenly the haze of the dream faded and she realized that she was in Kate's guest room, and that she was alone in her bed and the little girl she had been ready to reach for was all grown up. She sat up and blinked a few times to allow her eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room as her mind cleared. Once again she had been fooled by a dream.

She was about to lay back down and force herself to go back to sleep when she heard the cries that had been the background noise of her dream. Fear slid down her spine and her heart began to race. She threw back the covers and got out of bed, hurrying for Kate's room, the worst possible scenarios running through her mind as she pushed the door open.

Kate was tangled in her sheets, the pillows knocked to the floor, heartbreaking cries and incoherent words slipping from her lips as she thrashed around.

"A nightmare," Johanna said to herself as her heart settled back into a normal rhythm. She moved towards the bed, clicking on the lamp on the nightstand, all the while knowing that Kate wouldn't appreciate her appearance in her room but she wasn't about to go back to bed and allow her to suffer through whatever it was that was tormenting her sleep.

"Kate," she stated as she gripped her arm and shook her a little.

"Kate, wake up," she called again, but her daughter was still crying out and thrashing, making it hard for her to keep a hold of her and she was forced to move onto the bed so she could get a better hold on her.

"Katie!" she said loudly, laying her other hand against her cheek, hoping the touch would some how pull her from the grips of her dream.

The thrashing began to calm, but she was still crying and Johanna brushed back the hair from her face in a soothing motion. "You're alright, Katie," she told her, knowing that eventually her voice would break through the nightmare holding her hostage. "It's just a dream, wake up and it'll go away."

She gently shook her once more and suddenly Kate bolted upright, her eyes flying open and her breathing ragged as if she had ran for miles. Johanna knew she should release her hold on her but she didn't.

"You're okay," she told her softly, "You're fine now."

Her voice shook away the fog of Kate's mind and she turned her head in the direction of the sound and found her mother sitting next to her, her face wearing the expression of concern and worry.

"It's alright," her mother whispered again.

"What are you doing here?" Kate asked once she found her voice, but her tone lacked the bite of irritation at her presence, and she didn't ask her to move from the spot she had taken at the edge of the bed.

"I heard you crying out in your sleep," Johanna answered as she unconsciously rubbed Kate's arm for a moment before drawing her hand away before she could take notice and jerk from her grasp.

"I'm sorry I woke you," Kate answered.

Her mother shook her head, "Don't worry about that. Are you okay?"

Kate nodded but she felt as if she were lying in some way. The dream had been more disturbing this time; more vivid and real and she shook with the thought of it. This dream that kept creeping up on her, forced her to watch as she lost everyone she loved and cared about. She cast a glance towards Johanna who was still sitting next to her, worry still present in her eyes. 'She's okay,' Kate told herself as she recalled the horrific scene that she had dreamed in regards to her mother.

She was tempted to reach for the phone and call Castle, as he had been among the victims of that nightmare, but she didn't. It was two-thirty and she didn't want to wake him. He was fine, she was sure of that. Calling would only lead to questions and he would want her to tell him what she had dreamed and she couldn't do that. She couldn't bring those images to life by speaking of them.

Slowly she kicked away the covers and climbed out of bed and shuffled out of the room, her breathing still slightly erratic as she made her way into the bathroom where she splashed cold water on her face and forced herself to calm down. It was just a nightmare, it couldn't hurt her, she told herself, but she still felt uneasy and she walked through the apartment flipping on the lights as she went. She went directly to the door and checked for a note but found nothing. She cracked open the door and checked the hallway and then she re-locked it and made her way around the apartment checking the windows to be sure that they were still secure and hadn't been tampered with since Ryan and Esposito had checked them. She felt ridiculous for allowing a dream to upset her so much that she'd go through these motions, but she couldn't shake the feeling of unease.

Finally she began to turn the lights back off and she made her way back to her room where Johanna was untangling her sheets and comforter, straightening them and putting the pillows back where they belonged.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Johanna asked her quietly.

"I'm fine," she told her as she made sure her gun was on the nightstand and within easy reach.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked as she folded back the covers so Kate could climb back into her bed.

"No," she stated firmly, "I don't ever want to talk about it."

"Alright," her mother answered as she watched her get back into her bed, positioning herself to sit with her back against the headboard and her arms around her knees as she pulled her legs up against her.

Kate still seemed shaken and Johanna slowly sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Do you want me to stay with you for a little while?" she asked.

"I'm not a little girl," she answered, but her eyes were filled with tears.

"I wasn't implying that you were," Johanna said softly, "No one wants to be alone when they wake up from a nightmare, especially when it's as disturbing as yours seemed to be; it doesn't matter if you're 4, 13, 21, 32, or even 61," she told her "We all want someone to be there to tell us that everything is alright when it's over."

"You don't have to stay," Kate said, although a part of her didn't want to be alone "You can go back to bed."

"I know I don't have to stay with you, but I will, if you want me to," her mother told her "It's alright to want some sense of comfort, Kate, even if you are all grown up, and if you're worried that I'll take it as meaning something more than it is, don't be, because I know you still feel the same but I'll be here for you if you'll let me."

Kate was quite as she battled what she wanted. The way she figured it she had three options in regards to the situation she found herself in; she could give in and call Castle, allow the sound of his voice to soothe her and subtly sidestep the questions about the nature of her dream. He wouldn't be angry with her for waking him, he'd stay on the phone with her for as long as she needed without any qualms or hesitation; but she didn't reach for the phone. She couldn't, she couldn't wake him over something so trivial especially when she had been relying on him so heavily ever since her mother had came home.

She could just deal with it on her own, as she usually did whenever nightmares plagued her. She could just sit there alone and talk herself out of her irrational fears and force herself to go back to sleep; or more likely she'd just sit up the rest of the night in fear that if she closed her eyes those terrifying images would return. She was used to being alone…but that didn't mean she wanted to be.

There was that last option however, Kate thought to herself as she glanced at her mother from the corner of her eye. She had offered to sit with her for a little while; she could just give in and allow her to sit there until she felt more in control of herself and her emotions. It wouldn't change anything; her mother had even made it a point to state that she wouldn't think that it would. If she let her stay she didn't have to be alone and it was after all more convenient to just accept the presence of her mother rather than wake someone at this hour.

"Do you want me to stay, Katie?" Johanna asked softly.

Slowly she nodded, "Just for a little while," she answered quietly, convincing herself that she had said yes out of the sheer fact that it was convenient.

Johanna nodded, "Alright," she replied and she moved from the edge of the bed and sat beside Kate, being sure to leave space between them so she wouldn't feel crowded.

Kate squeezed her eyes shut, here she was, a grown woman who found herself in scary situations all the time and made it through them without so much as blinking, and yet this dream had reduced her to a trembling, tearful mess that needed her mother. It was humiliating, and it seemed as though Johanna read her mind, because her soft voice broke the silence.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," she told her.

"Yes it is," she answered, "I'm a cop; I've been in real life situations that haven't bothered me like this nightmare."

"There's a reason for that, Kate."

"What?"

"When you're awake you have, or at least feel like you have some measure of control; but when you're asleep, your brain and your imagination have the control."

"But a dream can't hurt me," Kate stated.

"You're right, it can't, but it can still scare the hell out of you."

That was true; Kate thought as she fell silent, a few tears escaping without permission as the images rolled through her mind again. Johanna's hand reached out to touch her, but she pulled back before Kate could say anything, but then surprisingly Kate dropped an arm from the tight hold she had on her legs and her hand sought out her mothers and when she found it she grasped it and held on to it.

Johanna didn't say anything in response, she didn't even turn her head to look at her, she merely accepted the feel of Kate's hand as it pressed against hers.

"Think of something happy, Katie," she whispered.

A small smile played at the corners of her mouth as the tears continued to fall. Her mother had always said that to her in the aftermath of a bad dream.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Whatever it is that makes you happy," she replied and then after a moment she said, "Think of Rick, he seems to make you happy. Martha and I could hear the two of you laughing, so you must've had a nice time."

"We heard the two of you laughing too," Kate replied quietly.

Johanna gave a soft short laugh "Martha has a way with a story."

She nodded, "Yeah, she does."

"Must be where Rick gets it from."

Kate laughed lightly, "He'd probably deny that."

"That's what men do," Johanna quipped as she cast a glance at Kate and found her looking back at her.

"Why do they do that?" Kate asked.

"I think it's a genetic defect," she replied.

"Does Dad have that defect?"

"Hell yes," Johanna answered, "They all have the 'deny it' gene, among others."

"Like the 'jackass' gene?" Kate asked, remembering that Johanna had told her once that all men were born with a jackass gene.

"That one is the worst of all," her mother replied, "And there's no cure for it."

She laughed again, thoughts of her dream fading away. "Have you ever told Dad about that jackass gene?"

Johanna nodded, "I've called him a jackass on numerous occasions; before marriage and after."

"How did he take it?"

"Well on those times when I said it after we were married, he would then tell me that he should've let Charles Patterson have me."

"And before you were married?"

She laughed, "He'd tell me I was just being ridiculous…or crazy."

"Which one bothered you the most?" Kate asked.

She thought for a moment, "Probably the fact that he would wish to inflict Charles Patterson on me for the rest of my life."

Kate smiled and then she fell quiet once more and her mind jerked her back to the thoughts she had wanted to banish and she tensed.

"Happy thoughts, Katie," her mother reminded her.

"What do you think of?" she asked quietly, recalling that her mother had added her own age to the list she had given when she had told her that no one wanted to be alone after a nightmare.

"I think of your father," she replied, "I think of the times when we'd take long lunch breaks in the summer and go for walks in the park. I think of the places we went together and the fun we had. I think of you and the way you'd pick flowers out of the yard and bring them to me when you were little. I think of your smile and your laugh; I think of the things we had done together."

"But didn't that make you feel sadder?" Kate asked.

"Sometimes," she answered, "But that kind of sadness was always preferable to the terrible things I would dream."

"Do you have a lot of nightmares?" she asked her.

"Can I be completely honest with you about that?" Johanna asked.

Kate hesitated but then nodded, "Yeah."

"I had nightmares all the time in Wyoming; I had one just days before I got on the plane to come home."

"And now?" Kate asked.

"I won't lie and say I sleep peacefully, because I don't. I don't sleep well at all, but I haven't had any of those nightmares so far and for that I'm grateful."

"What were they about?"

Johanna shook her head, "I don't want to talk about that."

"Alright," Kate said with understanding, after all she didn't want to talk about her dream either.

They grew quiet and Kate glanced at her and saw the slightly troubled look on her face and knew she was thinking of her own nightmare.

"Happy thoughts," Kate said softly as she squeezed her hand.

"Happy thoughts," Johanna replied.

Kate took a breath and then focused her mind on what made her happy and not surprisingly it was an image of Castle that came to mind. She thought of their text message conversation that had her giggling in the kitchen, and of the day and evening she had spent at the loft with him. She thought of the way he had made her laugh, and the easy way his family took not only her in but her mother as well and made them relax and feel welcome. She thought about how she'd see him and the morning and that he'd bring her a desperately needed cup of coffee and soon her mind was swimming with thoughts of Castle and she relaxed and her eyes began to flutter open and close.

"Lay down, Katie," Johanna said softly.

Sleep was overtaking her and she did what her mother told her to do without question, although she didn't release her hand and a part of her brain knew she should. She ignored it though and made herself comfortable while her mother turned off the light.

Johanna sat next to her until she was sure that she was asleep and that her dreams weren't disturbing her and then she carefully pulled her hand away from Kate's and moved off of the bed. She covered her with the sheet and the comforter and then she quietly tiptoed out of the room, leaving the door open a crack so she could hear her if she cried out again.

She went back to her room and crawled back into her own bed, but she slept lightly, maternal instinct kicking in and keeping her alert for any sign that Kate should need to be pulled from the clutches of another nightmare.

* * *

A few short hours later Johanna was making her trek through the living room on her way to prepare breakfast. She paused as she neared the door and allowed her gaze to drop to the floor. The object lying there wasn't the usual white square this time. This morning's special delivery was a flat brown envelope and she ran a hand over her face in agitation before turning back towards the hallway to get Kate, but before she could get to her room Kate swung the door open and caught sight of her.

"What is it?" she asked as she took in her worried expression, "Another note?"

Johanna shook her head, "An envelope this time."

Kate walked quickly towards the door and took in the sight of the brown envelope that had been left for them. She donned a pair of gloves and then picked it up from the floor and carefully opened it. Johanna stepped next to her as she extracted the contents and as they each studied it they were filled with a sense of dread.

…_to be continued_


	15. Chapter 15

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! Sorry for the delay and on a side note, if the police work seems to move along more quickly than it would in real life, I'm aware of it, I may have taken a little licensing as I assume the show does to speed up the process and keep things moving. Enjoy! _

Chapter 15 – Best Of Me

'_Words cut through my skin, tears roll down my chin, my walls crumble within but I'll take it all on and get up when I fall, til the last curtain call'- Christina Aguilera_

Kate and Johanna found themselves looking at two 8x10 photos, one showing their departure the day before, and the second showing their return with Castle. Written across the first photo in a black marker were the words _**'Mother-Daughter outings are so special, aren't they? Perhaps one day you'll go out together permanently.'**_

Kate laid the pictures and the envelope on the coffee table and went in search of her phone. She called Esposito and then she called Castle, before returning to the living room where her mother was still staring at the pictures, her hands trembling at her sides.

"Don't panic," Kate told her.

"They're threatening you," Johanna said, her tone uneven.

"They're threatening both of us," she told her.

"I don't care about me," her mother replied, "I care about you."

"I'll be fine," Kate stated, "Don't worry about it. I've been through this before."

"That's not a comforting thought, Katie."

"It should be," she replied.

"How do you figure?"

"Because I'm standing in the same room with you, so obviously I've survived."

"I'd like to keep that way."

"So would I," she answered, "But I know what I'm doing, so don't go getting excited. We'll be fine."

Soon Ryan, Esposito and Castle were standing in the apartment looking at the photos that were now in evidence bags.

"Looks like they were taken from across the street," Castle stated.

"The angle is too high to be from street level," Ryan commented and Kate nodded in agreement.

"It's too low to be from a roof top," Esposito stated as he went to Kate's living room windows and opened the curtains and blinds and looked out.

"What are you thinking?" Kate asked him.

"I'm thinking that the pictures were taken from a place at this level," he answered and she and Castle and Ryan moved closer to look.

"It's exactly the same," Castle stated, "Only on the opposite side."

Kate's eyes scanned the buildings across the street and then her eyes caught sight of the window directly across from hers.

"There," she said pointing at it discreetly, "That apartment looks empty, and that window would've given the right angle."

"Let's go check it out," Esposito stated.

Castle followed them to the door but Kate stopped him.

"I want you to stay here with her," she told him.

He was about to protest but the look on her face silenced him.

"I don't want her to be alone while I'm doing this, Castle," she told him, "I shouldn't be long and I'll give you a full update as soon as I get back."

He nodded, "Alright, but call if you need me."

"We'll be there," Ryan stated, "What will she need you for?" he teased.

"My charming wit, my useful insight, my ruggedly handsome good looks," Castle stated.

"I think she'll survive without it," Esposito stated, "Try it out on a new audience," he told him with a nod at Johanna who was taking it all in.

"You should go with her," she told Castle.

"He's staying here," Kate said firmly, "And don't bother to argue with me."

"Don't worry," Esposito told her mother, "We've got her back."

"I'm holding you to that," Johanna replied, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"She doesn't get into trouble with us," Ryan stated, "She gets in trouble with Castle, like the time they got handcuffed together and locked in a room with a tiger."

"Oh my god," Johanna stated and Kate gave Ryan a shove towards the door.

"Shut up and let's go," she instructed before turning to Castle and whispering, "Keep her calm."

He nodded and moved to be ready to lock the door once they were gone.

"Be careful," Johanna called after her.

"I'll be fine."

When the door was closed she turned to Castle. "This is the second time I've heard mention of a tiger, I think you better tell me about it."

He laughed lightly "It's really a funny story….except for maybe the part about the tiger."

"That's the part that concerns me," she answered.

"You're not concerned about her being handcuffed to me?" he couldn't help but ask.

Johanna smiled, "If the only thing they had said was that the two of you were handcuffed together I wouldn't want to know."

"It so was not like that," he replied.

"Try not to look so disappointed about it," she quipped.

He grinned, "I'll try to do better."

"So are you going to tell me or not?"

He followed her into the kitchen and accepted a cup of coffee. Kate had told him to keep her calm and he figured story hour was just the thing for that…scaled down stories that is.

* * *

Across the street Kate and the boys made their way to the forth floor and found the door of the apartment in question ajar and they drew their guns as she carefully pushed it open, and then they moved inside quickly and quietly and searched the largely vacant apartment in search of the suspect but they found no one and they all slipped their guns back into place.

Kate walked to the window and pushed aside the sheer curtain and peered across the street, her living room window was directly across from this one and it would've been easy for him to watch their comings and goings, and in the evenings before they closed the blinds and curtains, he most likely would've been able to see inside her apartment with the help of binoculars or a telephoto lens.

"How long?" she wondered, how long had he been staked out right under her nose, how long had he been watching?

The apartment was sparse with only a card table and folding chair in the living room and it was littered with fast food wrappers and an overflowing ashtray. An air mattress and a few pieces of clothing were in the bedroom on the floor.

"What do you want to do?" Esposito asked her.

"Ryan and I will search this place more thoroughly, you go and see if you can find the landlord and see who was renting this place."

"You think he was renting it?"

"The lock on the door hasn't been tampered with so I'm assuming he has a key, especially since he does have a few pieces of furniture here."

Esposito nodded, "Anything else?"

"Talk to the neighbors on this floor, see if they can give a description as I'm sure any name we might get will be an alias. See what they know about his habits."

"I'm on it," he told her as he left the apartment.

"Ryan, take the bedroom and the bathroom. I'll take the living room and kitchen," she stated.

He went off to do as he was told and she was in the process of finishing her search of the kitchen when her phone buzzed with a message from Castle.

"_Your dad is here, he isn't happy about being left out of the loop this morning…your mother is getting that lecture now, I'm sure he's saving one for you."_

"_I'll deal with him later," _she replied before moving back into the living room.

Beneath the pile of fast food wrappers, Kate found a black Sharpie that she assumed had been used to write the message on the photo. She dropped it into an evidence bag, in hopes that forensics could pull a print from it. She continued on with her search, but it seemed as though all their suspect had left behind was trash and cigarette butts. She pondered the overflowing ash tray for a moment and then she carefully extracted one of the cigarettes and dropped it into its own bag, if she couldn't get a print off the marker they should at least be able to get DNA from the cigarette.

"Beckett," Ryan said as he entered the room.

"Find anything?" she asked as she turned towards him.

"Just this," he said as he raised his gloved hand to show her a memory card from a camera. "He left a pair of pants behind and apparently he forgot to check the pocket."

She smiled, "Good, maybe he's starting to fall down on the job."

Esposito returned to the apartment minutes later. "The landlord manages other buildings besides this one; he has an office a few blocks away. I'll stop by there on the way to the precinct and question him about this place. I talked to the neighbors and they gave a description of a white male, late 20's early 30's, medium build, blondish brown hair, about 5'7 and he has a jagged scar across his cheek."

"Anything else?" Kate asked.

"They say he wasn't the friendly type," Esposito answered, "He wasn't one to return greetings and the neighbor next door said he was always coming and going late at night. In fact he heard him leaving sometime after 2 last night and heard him return around 3, and then the neighbor saw him leaving at 5, carrying a bag and a camera."

Kate nodded, "Alright, Esposito you track down the landlord and see what you can get out of him. Ryan, head back to the precinct, I want to know whats on that memory card and I want to know where the photos I received were printed." She then handed over the two evidence baggies she held that contained the marker and cigarette. "I want those taken to the lab, see if they can pull anything from them."

"Are you coming into the precinct or are you sticking close to home?" Esposito asked.

"I'm going back to my place and check on things and then Castle and I will be on our way."

The boys nodded and went off to tackle their assignments. Kate crossed the street and returned to her own apartment, ready to face her father and his upset over not being contacted, but when she opened the door she found only Castle and her mother.

"Where's Dad?"

"I sent him to the store, we we're running out of things."

"I'll leave money for him," Kate stated as she grabbed her purse and took out her wallet.

"Don't bother," Johanna told her, "I already tried to give him money and that didn't go over to well."

"I can vouch for that," Castle stated, and the look on his face told Kate it wasn't worth the aggravation.

"Fine," she answered, "I don't have time to argue with him today anyway."

Her mother retreated to the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone.

"Did you find anything?" he asked her.

She filled him in on the apartment across the street, the memory card that Ryan had found and the objects she had sent to the lab. She told him about the assignments she had given the boys, including her theory on the apartment being rented.

"Do you think he'll be back?" Castle asked as he glanced toward the window.

"No," she answered, "The neighbor saw him leave with a bag and a camera. I figure he dropped the envelope and then moved on. He knew I'd be out looking for him this morning so he got out of dodge."

"Or was ordered to go," Castle remarked.

"That's a possibility too."

Castle was quiet for a moment, wondering, not for the first time, why he had yet to hear from Mr. Smith.

"As soon as my Dad gets back to stay with her," Kate said interrupting his thoughts, "We'll head down to the precinct."

* * *

Almost and hour and a half later they were walking towards Ryan and Esposito's desks.

"What do we have?" she asked them.

"I have the photos from the memory card," Ryan told her.

"And?"

Ryan laid the pictures out for them to view. None of them were the photos that she had received that morning but they were all of Johanna. Fifteen photos of her mother that had obviously been taken while she was still staying at the hotel.

"The date stamp indicates that the first five pictures were taken over the course of the two days prior to the shooting incident. The next two were taken the evening of the incident," Ryan said as she looked over each photo.

"This one was taken when we went back to the hotel with them later that night," Kate said as she pulled the photo forward.

"These five are during the time frame of when the notes began to appear," Ryan told her.

The next photo showed Johanna being led out of the hotel with her luggage, and the final photo showed the two of them getting into the car the morning after when they had gone to Castle's for breakfast.

This one isn't from the same angle as the ones we received this morning," Kate said as she tapped the final photo. "It's street level and on the same side of us, as if he were standing down the street."

Ryan nodded, "I noticed that too."

She looked to Esposito, "Anything from the landlord?"

"He says he rented the place to a guy named Michael Sinclair."

"When?"

"Three days after your mom moved in with you," he answered, "I ran the name but came up with nothing that matched the description that the neighbors gave, and apparently Mr. Parker is mainly interested in getting as much rent money as possible so he's a little lax on asking for things like ID and references, especially when the person has cash in hand like Mr. Sinclair.

"That's a comforting thought," Kate said.

"Just goes to show that no one really knows their neighbors," Castle stated.

"What about the bar code on the back of the photos from this morning?" she asked "Have we tracked down where they were printed at?"

"Not yet," Ryan said, "I'm still working on it."

"So we're still nowhere," she said in frustration.

"We'll get it," Esposito stated.

"I know," she answered, "I just hate the waiting game."

"What about the marker and the cigarette she sent to the lab?" Castle asked.

"We'll have the results in the morning," Ryan answered.

The day dragged as they waited for a lead to materialize. Finally at 2 Ryan tracked down the drugstore where the photos had been printed, and by 4:30 she was holding a surveillance photo of their suspect.

"The drugstore is only a few blocks away from your place," Ryan stated "It's open all night, and our friend here stopped in at 2:45 this morning to have his pictures printed."

She studied the photo and found the suspect to match the description that the neighbor gave. Without a name they were stalled, and Gates sent her home and instructed her not to come in until Ryan or Esposito called her in the morning.

* * *

Castle went home with her, ignoring her every time she said it wasn't necessary and eventually she gave up, knowing that he felt the need to protect her and not wanting to step on his toes like she had the last time. The evening was long and full of nervous agitation as they all seemed to be waiting for something to happen.

She was amped up and ready to move on this case and it made her antsy despite Castle's attempts to keep her a level of calmness. She knew that he was feeling it too but he was better at controlling it than she was. Her father seemed to be on edge and she could easily see how worried he was by the taunt lines of face and the way he seemed to be lost in his thoughts. Kate's gaze shifted to her mother who was making herself busy by vigorously scrubbing every surface in the kitchen. She knew she was nervous and needed to be busy so she allowed her to go at it.

Jim and Castle lingered until midnight and then she finally pushed them towards the door, claiming that they all needed to get some sleep. Sleep, however didn't come for her as she spent most of the night pacing the floors and answering Castle's hourly text messages asking if she was fine. Her mother gave up the pretense of sleep and joined her in front of the television at three. By 6:30 Castle was knocking on the door, her father wasn't far behind, and Johanna seemed happy to have the task of preparing breakfast for all of them.

Kate was slowly losing her mind as she waited for the boys to call. Her mother was tapping her foot against the floor in an agitated rhythm but she said nothing, as Johanna hadn't commented on the fact that she was tapping her fingers against the table in an almost matching rhythm.

Her phone rang at nine. "Thank god!" Castle exclaimed as he jumped up from his chair.

"Wait until I answer it before you get excited," Kate told him as she accepted the call.

A minute later she was up out of her chair, "They have something let's go," she stated.

"Be careful, Kate," her mother called behind her.

"I'll be fine," she stated as she shut the door behind her.

As Beckett and Castle entered the precinct they found Ryan and Esposito waiting for them.

"The lab report is back," Esposito told them as they made their way for her desk.

"And?" she asked.

"The prints in the apartment belong to Scott Hayes," he said as he opened the folder and laid down a mug shot for her to view. It was a match to the man in the surveillance photo.

"He's done time for just about everything," Ryan stated, "Drugs, petty theft, stalking, assault, and anything else you can imagine."

"Any weapons violations?" Beckett asked as she thought of her mother's shooting incident.

"None," Esposito answered, "I don't think he's our guy for the shooting, but he might know who is."

"Do we know where he is?" Castle asked.

"We have an address," Ryan answered.

"Let's go," Kate said as she grabbed the scrap of paper Ryan had in his hand.

* * *

Twenty minutes later they were moving cautiously towards an apartment in a dilapidated building. They reached the door of 6B and found it ajar and Kate's hopes sank as she saw this being a repeat of the day before. They entered with guns drawn and as Ryan rounded the sofa he stopped and looked down at the floor.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's Hayes;" he answered, "He's dead."

She looked at him, "What do you mean he's dead?"

"He's been shot," Ryan stated, "In the head."

He and Esposito quickly searched the rest of the apartment and found it unoccupied and then called in the murder as Kate and Castle moved towards the body.

"I can't believe this," she whispered, as she took in the sight of the gunshot wound in the center of his forehead.

"They must've known that you'd find him," Castle said, "They had to get rid of him before he had a chance to talk."

"Seems like we've been down that road before," she remarked as she recalled Raglan's murder.

"Seems like were always going down this road with this case," he replied.

She nodded and backed away from the body, "Let's search the place, see if we can find anything."

He knew she was doubtful of finding anything and he'd figured she had a right to be skeptical. It seemed like when it came to this case, everything had a habit of disappearing. They came up empty handed, with the exception of his cell phone but Kate didn't hold out much hope of gaining anything from it.

Lanie arrived and went through the motions of examining the body.

"Can you give me an estimated time of death?" Kate asked her as she knelt down beside her.

"For now I'm going to put it between 3 and 5 this morning, but I may be able to narrow it down once I get him back to the morgue."

"Anything else?" Kate asked.

Lanie shook her head, "So far I'm not seeing any signs of struggle, and I'm sure you can already tell that it was close range."

"Thanks Lanie."

Her friend nodded and she returned her gaze to Castle who was watching her worriedly.

"I'm fine," she told him.

"You sure?"

She nodded and to prove it to him she got down to the business of beginning the preliminary investigation into Hayes's murder.

* * *

By 6 she had nothing but a bunch of dead ends and she called it a night. She was silent as she drove Castle towards his loft.

"Kate," he began to say.

"I'm fine, Castle," she stated, although they both knew she wasn't.

"I could go home with you," he told her, "For a little while."

She pulled up in front of his building and shook her head, "I'm fine, I'm just dreading having to tell her about this."

"I could help you tell her, if you want," he suggested, "Or I can tell her for you if it'll help."

She smiled at him, "That's okay, I can do it."

He nodded, "Call if you need anything. I don't care about the reason or what time it is," he stated.

"I promise," she replied before saying goodnight and watching him get out of the car.

"Did you get him?" Johanna asked when Kate walked through the door that evening.

She locked the door and threw down her keys and her purse before turning to face her hopeful mother.

"In a way," she answered.

Johanna studied her expression and she didn't like what she saw. "In a way?" she asked quietly.

"He's dead," Kate told her, "Gun shot wound to the head."

"When?"

"Sometime early this morning," she answered dejectedly.

Jim stepped into the room from the kitchen, "And from your tone I gather there are no leads about this murder."

She nodded, "No one heard anything, no one saw anything. No security camera footage, no prints besides Hayes, and no sign of the murder weapon. Nothing!" she exclaimed as she ran a hand through her hair in irritation. "Not one damn thing."

"What next?" he asked her as he glanced between his daughter and his wife.

Kate looked at him, "We do what we've been doing, we wait. We wait like a couple of sitting ducks for their next move."

"That's all?" he asked incredulously as she began to pace.

She turned to face him, "What do you want me to do, Dad?"

"Anything is better than nothing!" he exclaimed, "I don't like the picture you paint of sitting ducks, Katie."

"Do you think I do?" she exclaimed, "But what else is there? I have nothing to go on, Dad! I have no leads, no evidence that points me in one direction or another. It's like chasing a phantom and he's always five steps ahead of me."

"Maybe you're overlooking something," he stated "There has to be something somewhere. This person can't create all of this chaos without leaving some shred of evidence behind!"

Kate looked at him in disbelief, "Are you telling me that I don't know how to do my job?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all," he replied, "But I think you're standing there with a defeatist attitude with all of your talk of waiting for him to come to you. You can't just sit here and do nothing! How long do you think they're going to play this game with you, Katie, how long do you think it's going to be before it's something more serious than a note or a picture with a threat written across it? Waiting isn't a good enough answer!"

"Stop it, Jim!" Johanna exclaimed, "Don't talk to her like that!"

He was frustrated and weighed down with worry over both of them and he was growing angry because of it and didn't seem able to stop.

"Stay out of it," he told her.

"She can't stay out of it," Kate declared, "She's in it up to her ears!"

Johanna glared at him, "I'm not going to sit here and listen to you act like she isn't doing her job or that she isn't doing it properly," she said evenly, "She wouldn't tell you how to present a law suit so don't tell her how to investigate."

"I don't see much investigating going on here," he remarked, "All I see are a bunch of questions with no answers."

"If you think you can do better, than go get a badge of your own and do it!" Kate told him, "I can't just snap my fingers and end this! I can't invent a lead just to make you feel better!"

"Leave her alone," Johanna demanded, "You have no right to speak to her like that!"

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked in agitation, "Sit and wait on a phone call telling me that something has happened to one or both of you? Am I supposed to accept that this is going to be our lives until the bastard gets around to finishing the job? Am I supposed to bury you again, Johanna? Because I can't go through that again, I barely survived it the first time. Am I supposed to bury Katie with you? I've already came to close to that last year, and I can't go through that again either. I just can't do it! I can't accept that nothing can be done."

"Do you think that's what we want?" Kate asked as she struggled to remain in control of her emotions, "Do you think that we want to put you through that? Do you think I enjoy knowing that I'm backed into a corner with nothing to go on, because if you do, you're crazy. I don't like accepting that any more than you do! Do you think I'd be able to live with myself if something happens to her because I couldn't find the answers! Do you think this is what I want our lives to be?" she cried as her throat tightened with sobs she wouldn't release.

"I have my own hopes and dreams. I had my own plans. I want this to be over just as much as you do. I want to move on, just like you do, and she does, but we can't right now and until I get a solid lead or some vital piece of evidence this is where we're stuck, so deal with it like the rest of us!" she exclaimed as she lost her composure.

He was about to open his mouth to respond but Johanna cut him off.

"Go home, Jim," she said coolly.

He glanced at her and could read the anger in her face, and then he glanced back to Kate and saw the hurt and the anger in her features.

"No," he said quietly as his anger over the situation dissipated and the realization that he had taken his frustrations out on them set in."

"Go," Johanna said firmly, her tone brokering no argument.

He could hear Kate moving towards the door and then the locks being released.

"Johanna…"

"You've said enough for tonight," she told him.

He turned towards Kate and found that her expression was now void of emotion. He knew what that meant. She was going to push him away and shut him out, and he had only himself to blame.

"You should go," Kate said as she refused to meet his gaze.

He wanted to apologize, to explain that his worries got the best of him, that he loved them too damn much to want to even think of the risk of losing them to this madness; but he knew that neither one of them wanted to hear those things right then. He'd angered them and he had hurt his daughter, and knew that by doing so he had hurt his wife as well. Jim moved towards the door and Kate swung it open for him. He said nothing, figuring Johanna was right, that he had already said too much.

The door shut behind him and the sound of the locks being put back into place filled the air as he stood there and stared at the closed door, feeling the weight of the world press down on him a little more.

* * *

Kate moved away from the door and struggled with her emotions. His words had hurt, even though a part of her knew that they stemmed from stress and fear. She had already felt somewhat wounded as she hit another wall with this investigation and then he had poured salt into the wounds and it stung in ways she hadn't imagined.

"I'm sorry, Katie," her mother whispered, her own tone full of emotion.

"For what?" she asked harshly.

"For everything," she replied as she worked at keeping her own emotions at bay.

Kate scoffed, "Do you think your apologies make me feel any better?"

"No."

"Do they make you feel better?" Kate asked.

"No."

"Then quit saying it!" Kate demanded, "Because I don't want to hear it! The damage is already done, so what good is it to be sorry?"

"I suppose it doesn't do any good," Johanna replied, "But I guess the need to apologize stems from having a conscience."

"Well being sorry doesn't help me, and it doesn't help you," Kate stated, "So keep your conscience to yourself and put that energy towards something useful like remembering something that will help me solve this damn case!"

"I've been trying, Kate," Johanna told her.

"Try harder," she shot back, "I need to try harder and so do you. We have to get this done so you can get out of here and go back to Wyoming, or home with Dad or to Peru for all I care. It has to end!"

Johanna didn't respond to the statement, as she didn't trust her voice not to crack and the tears to fall.

Kate needed an escape. She had to get away from her mother, because she could see her struggling to hold herself together, and she knew that she had been overly harsh with her because of the scene she had just gone through with her father. The childish side of her didn't care that she had lashed out at her; the other side of her that reminded her that she was an adult felt a measure of remorse and yet she couldn't apologize for it. To do so would make her a hypocrite.

She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine and then she returned to the living room and plucked her copy of Heat Wave from the book shelf.

"I'm going to take a bath," she stated and her mother nodded without meeting her gaze.

She carried her book and wine into the bathroom, sat them beside the bathtub and turned on the faucet and poured bubbles into the tub and then as her water ran she went to her room and retrieved her clothes for the night. She locked the bathroom door, stripped off her clothes, laying her phone on counter of the sink and then she sank into the lavender scented bubbles and allowed her tears to flow for awhile before taking a long sip of wine and picking up her book.

* * *

Two hours passed and Johanna began to wander if Kate was ever going to come out of the bathroom. She heard the water run every so often and she assumed that the water had grown cold and that she was adding hot to it so she didn't have to get out. Finally she heard the bathroom door unlock and few moments later Kate walked through the living room carrying her now empty glass, her book and her phone. She took the glass to the kitchen and deposited it in the sink and then she returned to the living room and laid her phone on the stand as she settled down onto her end of the sofa and opened the book to the page she had marked.

They didn't speak, and the background noise of the television seemed only to heighten their awareness of the silence and it seemed as though neither one of them was feeling brave enough to break it. Johanna watched Kate from the corner of her eye; saw her struggling to concentrate on her book and knew she was failing as she hadn't turned the page for a good fifteen minutes. She knew she was uncomfortable and so was she, so she decided to put them both out their misery.

"Goodnight, Kate," she said softly as she picked up her own phone and headed towards her bedroom. It was faint but she heard Kate whisper 'Goodnight' as she went.

With her mother's presence removed from the room she was able to settle down a bit more, but her concentration was still lacking as the days events weighed heavily upon her. She flipped the book over and stared at Castle's photo on the back, her fingers tracing his face.

She found the silence oppressive, and her heart still stung from her father's words and her own feelings of despair. She just couldn't shake it; she wasn't feeling strong enough to do it on her own. She felt herself crumbling, a fresh batch of tears gathering in her eyes. She couldn't make it alone tonight; she needed someone to come pick up the pieces, she needed him.

Kate picked up her phone and typed out the words, _'Come over,' _and sent it to Castle, and then a moment later sent the added plea, _'Please.'_

Her phone rang a second later and there was no need to look at the screen to know who it was.

"What's wrong?" he asked a mixture of panic and concern in his tone.

"Nothing like you're thinking," she answered, her voice cracking, "I just…"

"Just what, Kate?"

"I just need you," she told him softly.

"I'm on my way."

* * *

Twenty minutes later he was knocking on her door and when she opened it and allowed him in, his eyes raked over her, taking in how small she looked standing before him, barefoot and clad in a pair of pink pajama shorts and a thin grey tee-shirt, her hair tousled as if she'd been running her fingers through it, and the sorrowful look that she wore. His eyes scanned the apartment in search of Johanna.

"Where's your mother?" he asked quietly.

"She went to bed awhile ago," she answered.

"What's wrong, Kate?" Castle questioned.

She didn't say anything, just stepped forward and laid her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't hesitate to wrap her in the tight embrace she was seeking.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Everything," she said as she fell apart and burst into tears that she tried desperately to keep quiet.

He said nothing as she sobbed, allowing her to get it all out as he held her. Movement in the hallway caught his eye and Johanna appeared. Her eyes landed on Kate first, but then caught his gaze. He had been about to say something but she laid a finger against her lips and shook her head no, and he gave a barely discernable nod, honoring her request that her presence go unnoticed and then she quietly slipped back down the hallway and returned to her room.

Kate's sobs eased and he guided her to the couch, pulling her close again once they were seated.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

She took a breath and then told him about the things her father had said. It angered him to hear the things Jim had said, but he forced himself to remember that the man was in an impossible situation, that the lives of the people he loved and cherished the most hung in the balance. He could sympathize, he hadn't stopped worrying about Kate for a moment since the day Johanna had appeared and turned her life upside down.

"He's scared, Kate," he said gently.

"I know," she cried, "But doesn't anyone think that I'm scared too? I might not show it, but I am. I'm not made of steel, it's not like I don't feel things just because I have a badge; I feel them, I just can't always showcase it."

"I know you're afraid," Castle said, "I know that you feel everything that you go through, and that sometimes you hide it, but I know it's there. I see it all the time."

"You must be the only one," she whispered.

"I doubt that," he replied, "Maybe it's not so much that people don't know, maybe it's that they forget. They get used to seeing you being badass Detective Beckett and they forget that underneath that you're just Kate, and that you hurt like everyone else."

"I know he didn't mean it," she stated, "But…"

"It hurt," he finished for her.

She nodded, "And then there was everything from today, that brief moment when I thought I was getting somewhere only to slam into another brick wall."

"We'll get there," he assured her.

"I'd blame myself for the rest of my life if…"

"Don't go thinking like that," he told her, interrupting the thought.

"But I would, Castle. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I hate what she's done, and I haven't forgiven her but I don't want her to die."

"I know you don't," he replied, "But you're both going to be fine."

"But if it happened, I would feel like it was my fault," she whispered, "And I know my father would never forgive me."

"That's not going to happen, Kate," he said quietly but firmly.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I said so," he answered and it elicited a small laugh from her.

She grew quiet for a moment but then spoke again, "I took it out on her."

"What?" he asked.

"I lashed out at her because I was hurt from what Dad said," she told him.

"You can always apologize if it bothers you that much," he told her.

Kate shook her head, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because she apologized to me and I told her I didn't want to hear it, and that saying it didn't make anyone feel better."

"She'll understand," he replied.

"Understand what? If I apologize or if I don't?"

"Both," Castle answered.

She took a shuddering breath, "I never know quite how to feel in regards to her, Castle. Sometimes I say things to her and I mean them and it doesn't bother me to say so, but other times I say things and although I still mean them, I end up feeling bad about it and I don't feel like I should."

"That's understandable, Kate."

"How do you figure?"

"Because she's your mother," he remarked, "She isn't just an old friend that you fell out of touch with for over a decade. She's your mom, that bond you shared with her is still there despite the fact that she did this unimaginable thing and hurt you deeply. The part of you that feels remorse for the things you say is the part of you that recognizes that there are still feelings there that tie the two of you together."

She pulled away from his embrace to look at him, "It's like walking a tightrope," she said quietly, "You're standing in the center of it, a hundred stories up and you're wobbling, unsure of where to place your feet, and unsure if you should go back or keep going forward. On either side there's something treacherous waiting to devour you if you fall, and there's no net to catch you."

He allowed her analogy to sink in and it made perfect sense to him how she could feel that way.

"You'll find your balance," he told her, "You always do, and you'll make it to the other side and climb down to safety."

"But what if I don't?" she asked as a few tears slipped from her eyes, "What if I fall?"

"You have a net, Kate," he stated as he looked her in the eye, "I'm right here, I'll catch you."

A shaky smile shown through her tears, "Even if I'm hurtling towards the ground at a high rate of speed?"

"I'll catch you," he repeated, "You might knock the wind out of me for a second or two but I'll catch you."

That wound in her heart didn't feel quite so big now, as it warmed with the thought that Castle would catch her if she lost her balance completely. She took a moment to bring herself back under control and then raised her face to look at him.

"I've been crying on you a lot lately," she said with a small smile.

"That's okay," he replied with a smile of his own, "I have a lot of experience at being a human tissue."

She laughed softly, "One of your many talents, Castle?"

He nodded, "Well I do have a dramatic mother and a teenage daughter; my shoulders were used to being wet long before you came along."

"I'm glad they let me borrow you," she replied.

He laughed, "When they have no need of me they are more than happy to hand me off to someone else."

"You think so?"

"I know it," he replied, "I've caught them on occasion staring at my phone with hopeful looks on their faces that you'll call and take me away."

"I guess this partnership of ours really is a public service," Kate stated.

"In more ways than you imagined," he answered.

She swiped at her eyes, "I'm a mess," she told him.

He took her face in his hands and swiped at her cheeks with his thumbs as he grinned, "But a hot one."

She laughed, "You're not to bad yourself, Castle."

She had said those words before, he recalled, that night in the hotel room in L.A., but that time when the air between them had charged with intensity, she had ran from him, shutting herself in her room.

This time however she seemed to be staying put and as he closed the gap between them her eyes fluttered shut and he knew that this time she didn't want the moment to slip away. He kissed her with all of the feeling he could muster and she returned it with equal intensity. It went on for several minutes, these kisses that were meant to comfort and reassure, and to say all of the things that they couldn't say aloud just yet. He knew that despite the passionate nature of their kisses that they were both holding back in some respects as they each kept in mind that Johanna was just down the hallway.

When she pulled away from him, he knew that it wasn't so she could run from him, but rather she was trying to keep them from going to far, because tonight wasn't the right time, and this wasn't the right place. A gentle kiss against his lips and she got up from the couch and went into the kitchen and splashed water on her face to wash away the remnants of her crying jag.

When she returned she picked up the remote and turned the volume of the TV up a little and then she pulled him with her as she laid down on the sofa. They shifted around for a moment, until she was nestled against his side, her back against the back of the sofa and her head on his chest. He held her tightly, dropping a kiss onto the top of her head, and allowed the comfortable silence between them to linger.

An hour and a half later, he knew that she was falling asleep against his chest and he was unsure of whether he should stay or if he should go. He didn't want to leave her, not when she had such a bad day and evening, but he was unsure if she'd want him to stay in light of her mother being there. She seemed to sense his dilemma tired voice broke through the silence.

"Stay with me, Castle," she said softly.

He tightened his hold on her, the decision easily made, "I'm not going anywhere."

She lifted her head from his chest, claimed his lips in a short tender kiss and then looked him in the eye as she whispered, "Thank you."

"Always," he told her as she shifted back into place, and moments later she was sound asleep, and he soon gave in to his own tiredness and allowed sleep to claim him.

* * *

The next morning, Johanna woke with a light throbbing in her head that she figured had come from the mostly sleepless night she had spent crying out her own fears and frustrations. She made her way into the hallway, hoping that eating something for breakfast would ease her headache, but she paused as she hit the living room and took in the sight on the couch. There was her daughter, wrapped tightly in her partners embrace, the television still on, and they were both still sound asleep, despite the patches of sunlight that broke through the slats of the blinds and splashed across the sofa.

She wasn't sure if she should turn back for her room or continue on, any other time she probably would have retreated but the ache in her head pushed her forward, and she carefully and quietly moved towards the kitchen, and once she reached her goal she made sure to keep her preparations as quiet as possible to keep from disturbing the couple on the couch.

The smell of breakfast beckoned them both to the kitchen and they all sat down together to eat. Johanna knew that Kate was watching her, waiting for her to say something in regards to seeing them asleep on the couch together but she said nothing, and she wasn't sure if Kate found that comforting or disconcerting.

When breakfast was over, Kate sent Castle home with the promise that she would pick him up on her way to the precinct. She was running late by the time she was dressed and ready to go but she knew that if Gates noticed, the boys would cover for her. She called her mother out of the kitchen to lock the door and then she was on her way, determined that she'd look over everything again in relation to Hayes and that she'd find something.

* * *

Kate had only been gone for a half hour when a knock on the door had Johanna picking up the up the gun and moving towards it cautiously, usually everyone called first when they knew she was alone.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"It's me," Jim's voice answered.

She hesitated before undoing the locks and swinging the door open. His gaze was drawn to the gun in her hand and he looked at her in surprise, "Are you that upset to see me or were you expecting someone else?" he asked.

"You usually call from the hallway," she stated but she didn't step aside to allow him in.

"Is Katie home?"

"No, she went to work."

"Can I come in?" he asked.

She stood there silently for a moment and then relented and moved aside, "I guess you can if you want to," she told him.

He walked through the door and watched as she re-locked it and then he followed her towards the kitchen.

"Can you put the gun down?" he asked her.

"Does it make you nervous?" Johanna asked with a cool look over her shoulder.

"A little," he replied, "I don't worry too much about Katie shooting me; you however could be a whole different story."

"And why is that?"

"Because you're my wife," Jim answered, "You probably have a whole list of reasons for wanting to shoot me at one time or another."

She laid the gun on the counter but she didn't comment. She was still angry with the way he had treated Kate and he wasn't going to get away with it that easily. She sat down at the table, leaving him standing in the entryway of the kitchen and she turned her attention back to the newspaper and her coffee.

Jim sighed heavily and took a seat across from her. "I'm sorry, Jo," he said seriously.

She glanced at him, her expression unchanged and her mind rang with the words that Kate had spoken the night before about how being sorry didn't do anyone any good once the damage was done.

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to," she answered.

"I know that I need to talk to Katie," he replied, "But I doubt she's going to want to hear anything I have to say right now, and I do owe you an apology rather you think so or not."

"How could you say those things to her?" Johanna asked, her anger rising as she recalled the discussion.

"Frustration," he answered, "There's always a dead end and it's only going to get worse and I get frustrated with the fact there are no answers and that we don't seem to be any closer to ending this. I worry, constantly, about her, about you, and I guess it builds up and I let it out the wrong way."

"If you want to take your feelings out on someone," Johanna remarked sternly, "You take it out on me, not our daughter!" she demanded. "This is my fault, not hers and you don't treat her that way. I won't stand for it. You have something to say you say it to me when she's not here. Do you understand me?"

"It's not _all_ your fault," Jim said, his own defenses rising, "And I shouldn't be taking it out on either one of you."

"But you did, you took it out on Katie and that's not fair. She's doing everything she can and then you stand there and act like she doesn't know what she's doing. Did you see the look on her face? Did you see how hurt she was?"

"Of course I saw it!" he exclaimed, "I know I hurt her and I regret it. Do you think I set out to do that, Johanna? Do you think I wanted to hurt her? I've spent enough time doing that in the past."

"You made her feel like a failure," Johanna shot back angrily. "She locked herself in the bathroom for two hours last night and when she finally came out I could tell she had been crying. It's bad enough that she has a mother who destroyed her life, she doesn't need a father that lashes out at her and degrades her in the process!"

"I didn't degrade her!"

"The hell you didn't! I've never been so ashamed of you!" she yelled.

Jim scoffed, "You want to talk about being ashamed of someone, let's talk about you Johanna, let's talk about how ashamed I am of you for doing what you did. How you just up and left us without a word. How you looked me in the face before you got out of that car that morning and walked away knowing you weren't coming home to me! And then you just show up out of the blue and turn the world upside down again, and you think you can talk to me about shame? I would've never thought you capable of doing anything like this Johanna, but you surprised me and some times I wonder if I ever really knew you at all."

It hurt, hurt more than she had ever imagined even though she knew that eventually he would throw a punch like that one.

"Do you think I'm not ashamed of what I did?" she asked, "Because I am! I already told you that. I made a mistake, the biggest mistake I could've ever made, but I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be. I'm not the perfect wife or the perfect mother."

"You've got that right," he stated.

She looked him in the eye, "And you aren't the perfect husband or the perfect father."

"I might not be a perfect father," he told her, "But I never left her, and that's something you can't say. You're the reason she's the way she is."

"You don't think you've had a hand in that?" she asked, "Because I think you have."

"Not to the extent that you have."

"Maybe we shouldn't have been allowed to have a child," she stated, "We aren't any good for her."

"Maybe we should've never gotten married," Jim stated.

Her heart twisted and then shattered as she looked across the table at him.

"You regret it?" she asked quietly, her throat tight with a sob she wouldn't give in to.

"Sometimes," he replied, "There have been days when I wished I had never laid eyes on you."

She nodded and her teeth sunk into her lip as she tried to hold back her tears.

"So if you could go back, knowing what you know now, would you do it over? Would you still marry me, Jim?"

He was quiet for a long moment that was filled with tension, "I don't know."

She didn't know if she was going survive this. She might not have to worry about some outside force doing her in; it was likely that her husband's words would do the job.

"If I could go back and do it all over again, even knowing that it would come to this situation," Johanna said softly, her voice full of hurt, "I'd still do it all again, because I don't regret a single second that I've had with you, rather it be good or bad. I'd do it all over because I love you, because you gave me Katie and I could never regret her no matter what. I know what I did was the worst thing I could've ever done, but it shouldn't tarnish the 25 years we had together before all of this; 3 years of friendship, 1 year of dating, and 21 years of marriage. Those years should count for something, because they were the best years of my life."

"What good did those years do once you were gone, Johanna?" he asked, his voice full of rage. "Remembering them only made it hurt worse, it only made it harder. It only made me want to die so I could be with you, and you weren't even dead. You were off somewhere living your life while I drowned, and there is a part of me that hates you for it, and there have been times over the past thirteen years when I wished I hadn't married you, that I hadn't fallen in love with you, because all it ended up doing was causing me misery; so no, I don't know if I'd do it over again if I had the choice. Sometimes I don't think I would."

"But then you wouldn't have Katie," she said as she looked away from him.

"I don't regret Katie."

"Just me," she answered.

"In the darkest of moments, yes, I regretted it."

"And you still do," she replied.

"On occasion."

It was like being punched in the stomach, over and over again and it was hard to even breathe normally as the pain in her head intensified. She wanted to ask him if he still loved her but she was too afraid of the answer to allow the words to slip from her lips.

Jim watched her, saw the various emotions playing out across her face and he hated himself. He didn't know what had gone so horribly wrong within himself in the last twenty-four hours but something had and he'd hurt the two people that mattered the most to him because he couldn't stay in control of his own emotions. The things he said to her hadn't been lies, but they were things that he had never intended on saying out loud and now that they were out there in the open he couldn't take them back and erase the hurt that lingered on her face.

"You should go," she said softly, her gaze everywhere but his face.

"You shouldn't be here alone."

"I'll be fine, don't worry about it."

He gritted his teeth; somewhere inside he had always known that Kate had gotten that line from Johanna.

"We don't know what's going to happen next," he stated, "We don't know if they're somewhere nearby, watching, waiting for an opportunity to catch you alone."

"I'll take my chances," she answered as she rose from the table.

"Johanna," he said tiredly, his own fatigue visible in his face and the tone of his voice, as he hadn't slept at all the night before.

"Just go, Jim," she told him, "I have a gun and Katie is a phone call away."

He could tell that she was suddenly uncomfortable in his presence and although he didn't like leaving her alone, he thought that maybe they could both benefit from a little space between them. Maybe he needed to take some time for himself, to be away from his wife and daughter to work out his own feelings so he'd stop taking it out on them, and saying things that he shouldn't; and yet there was still a part of him that wasn't finished with the conversation and before he could stop himself he said, "You asked, Johanna."

She nodded, "I know, and for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry that I ruined your life; that I ruined Katie's. You both deserved someone better than me," and then with a sad smile she glanced in his direction, "I guess you should've listened to your mother, she told you not to marry me, that I wasn't good enough and would be nothing but trouble for you. She must be up there in heaven laughing her ass off to have finally been proven right."

Jim didn't know how to respond to that, at least not without making things worse. She left the room and after a moment he could hear the locks being released on the door. He rose from his place at the table and moved through the living room. It looked like he was being put out for the second time and he only had himself to blame. She opened the door for him, but he stood there in front of her, although she wouldn't look at him. He reached out towards her but she shied away from his touch, as if it would be too painful for her to feel. There was nothing left to do but go, as that seemed to be what she wanted. The door closed softly behind him, and he almost wished that she had slammed it instead; a door slammed in anger always had the option of being reopened, and apologies made, but a door that was closed quietly, seemed to be a symbol of hurt that couldn't be erased and he didn't know what to do in the face of it.

* * *

Johanna returned to the kitchen and sat down at the table and picked up the newspaper once again only to put it aside a moment later as her eyes blurred with tears. She folded her arms on the table top and laid her head down and allowed the cries and sobs to come unbidden and uninhibited. She'd made the biggest mistake of her life in leaving them, and maybe she'd made a mistake in coming home.

Her phone rang at 11:30 and she reached for it and saw Kate's number on the screen.

"Everything alright?" Kate asked her as usual.

"Everything's fine," she answered.

Kate detected something in her tone that didn't seem quite right. "You okay?" she questioned.

"When are you coming home?" Johanna asked.

"What's wrong?" Kate asked, a feeling of panic fluttering in her stomach.

"Nothing's wrong," she answered, "I just wanted to see if you could bring me something for my headache when you got off work."

"Isn't there anything in the medicine cabinet?"

"The bottle's empty."

"Isn't Dad there?" Kate asked.

"He was," she replied.

Kate shared a look with Castle who was listening to her end of the conversation intently.

"He was?" she questioned, "Did something happen?"

"We had words," she responded.

"And he left?"

"I told him to go."

"Is that how you ended up with a headache?"

"I woke up with the headache, but it got worse when your father was here."

Kate glanced at her watch, "I'll be taking my lunch break in a little while; I'll bring you something then."

"You don't have to make a special trip," Johanna said, her throat tightening with emotion again as thoughts of the words Jim had said rang through her mind once more, bringing tears to her eyes again. "I'll be fine until you're off work."

"Why are you crying?" Kate asked her, "It's not a big deal for me to bring you a bottle of Advil on my lunch break."

"I don't want to be more of a burden to you than I already am," she cried softly, hating herself for losing control so easily.

Kate rolled her eyes and sighed, "It's nothing to get upset over. You know I always try to stop by and check on things anyway, it's not a special trip. Just calm down."

"I'm sorry," she said quietly as she forced herself to swallow her cries.

"I know," she replied, "I'll be there in a little while, do you need anything else?"

"Nothing important."

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

Kate was quiet for a moment, what did her mother always want in times of turmoil?

"Chocolate?" Kate asked.

"Only if it's convenient."

"Anything else?"

"No."

"I'll see you later."

Kate ended the call and turned to Castle.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

"She has a headache, and she had a fight with Dad."

"Jim's on a roll," he stated, "Both of you in the span of a day."

"Yeah, it's nothing but family fun at my place," she answered as she rubbed her fingers across her forehead, feeling the affects of her own dull headache that came from finding nothing new in regards to Scott Hayes and his murder.

* * *

An hour and a half later Johanna let Kate into the apartment.

"Where's Rick?" she asked.

"In the car," she answered, "He's on the phone with Alexis."

She carried the bag to the kitchen and sat it on the table and fished out the bottle of Advil. She opened the box, extracted the bottle, removed the cap and punched her fingernail through the safety seal.

"I could've done that," Johanna said quietly as she sat her glass of water down on the table.

"I know," Kate answered as she shook out two tablets for her mother and two for herself, "But I need some too, I have my own headache."

Her mother returned to the cupboard and took out another glass and filled it with water for Kate and then she plucked two of the tablets from her outstretched palm.

They each swallowed their medicine and then sat quietly for a moment.

"What did you fight about?" Kate asked.

"Things," Johanna answered.

"What happened?"

"What does it matter?" her mother asked.

"Is it about me?" Kate questioned

"No."

"I thought we talked about how you're not supposed to lie to me," Kate said.

Johanna glanced at her, "Fine, it started off about you and then snowballed from there."

"Into what?"

"What do you think?" her mother asked; her tone low and her gaze shifting away from her daughter.

Kate looked into her mothers face and perhaps for the first time since she had returned, she studied what she saw reflected in her eyes and on her features. There was weariness and stress, hurt and pain. She wasn't coming through any of this unscathed, and Kate wasn't sure why that came as a surprise to her. She could easily tell that the headache her mother was suffering from was more severe than she had let on, as she was squinting against the natural light that was filtering through the apartment and it served as a reminder that sometimes her mother had suffered from migraines brought on by stress.

"Go ahead and say it, Kate," Johanna said quietly, breaking into her thoughts.

"Say what?"

"Whatever it is that you're thinking," she replied, "About how I deserve it."

She could say those things, and on a different day she probably would have, but today she wouldn't, not when her own emotional wounds from the night before were still raw.

"I'm not going to kick you while you're down," Kate replied.

"Why not?"

"Because I got a taste of that last night and I know how it feels."

"I don't mind if you do," Johanna answered, "I deserve it and I know it, so go ahead and let it all out. Believe me; I can't possibly feel any worse when you're done, so go for it."

Kate caught her eye and held her gaze, "Is that what you want? You want to be everyone's punching bag?"

Johanna shrugged, "I'd rather you both take it out on me than on each other or anyone else. I'm the reason we're in this mess so I should be the one to take the hits."

"Do you want to go home to Wyoming?" Kate asked her after a moment of silence.

"Wyoming isn't my home; New York is my home."

"New York doesn't seem to be treating you too well."

"I don't want to go back, but I know it's what everyone else would prefer."

"Do you really think that's what dad wants?"

"After what he said today," she said and then paused as she tried to hold herself together, "I kind of feel like he would prefer it that way."

"What did he say?" Kate asked.

Tears sprang to her eyes and she shook her head, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Is it that bad?" she questioned.

"To me it is," she answered as the tears began to fall.

Kate sighed, "I'm sure he didn't mean it, whatever it is."

"Maybe he did," Johanna remarked, "Maybe it's all just a lost cause."

"So you're just going to give up?" Kate asked her, "You're going to let one bad morning take you down?"

Johanna covered her face with her hands, "I don't know anymore," she muttered.

"I think you're having a pity party today, Meg," Kate stated.

"Please don't call me that," her mother said softly.

"Do you really want me to call you Johanna?"

"No."

"Then what do you want me to call you?"

"Mom would be nice."

"Not happening."

"Mother?" she suggested.

"I'll think about it," Kate stated, "But for now the answer is no."

"Do you remember that night at the bar when you told me that I didn't need to call you anything?"

"Yes."

"I'd rather be nothing than have you call me Meg."

Kate looked at her, "Fine, you continue to make an effort to call me 'Kate' instead of 'Katie', and I will try not to call you Meg."

"Deal."

"Now, back to the problem at hand. This fight started because of me, so I figure you probably said something to him about last night and you shouldn't have. You don't need to worry about me and Dad; we'll straighten things out between us."

"He hurt you," she replied, "And it wasn't right."

"Yes, he hurt my feelings, but I get it. He's afraid and he's lashing out; just like I was hurt last night and lashed out at you."

"I'm okay with that part," Johanna said as she swiped her tears.

Kate decided it wasn't worth arguing over so she moved on.

"Dad will cool off and he'll come back. You know he isn't going to stay away for long and you'll work it out. It isn't like you've never fought before."

"Not like this," her mother replied.

"I think you're just making yourself think that," Kate said.

"I don't know," her mother remarked.

"Do you know what I think?" she asked her.

"What?"

"I think that you got your feelings hurt, and that you've been sitting here all morning beating yourself up and making it all seem worse than it probably is. You're tired, and scared and you don't feel well and you need to just calm down."

Johanna nodded in agreement, for it was all true.

Her phone rang before she could say anything else and she glanced at the screen and saw that it was from Castle.

"Are you alright?" he asked her when she answered.

"I'm fine," she told him, "I'll be down in a few minutes."

"You sure?" he asked, "You've been in there for awhile."

"Everything's fine," Kate answered, "With the exception of an emotional breakdown."

"Do you need back up?"

She smiled, "No, I've got it. I'll be down in a minute."

"Checking up on you?" Johanna asked when she ended the call.

"He worries," Kate told her.

"He cares about you," she said softly as she looked her in the eye.

"I know," she replied, wondering if this was going to be the ambush she had been anticipating.

"I know you're waiting on me to say something about this morning, but I don't know what it is that you want me to say," Johanna told her.

Kate shrugged, "I don't know either; I guess I expected an interrogation of some sorts."

"You're a grown woman, Kate. If you want someone to spend the night with you that's your business, not mine," Johanna answered.

"It wasn't like that," she stammered.

"I know," she told her.

"You do?"

She nodded, "I don't want you to think I was spying on you, because I wasn't, but I heard a voice and I couldn't tell who it was, so I came to the end of the hallway and saw the two of you at the door. You were crying and I figured you had called him to come over and be with you."

Kate nodded, unsure of what to say.

"It's none of my business," Johanna stated again, "And I'm not going to say anything about it, there was nothing wrong with it. You needed comfort and he came to you and you fell asleep on the couch, end of story."

"So there's not going to be any teasing or anything?" Kate asked.

"No."

"You're not going to say anything to anyone?"

"Who would I tell?"

"Dad?" she answered.

"I didn't tell him," she told her, "And I don't intend too, especially now, as I doubt that we'll be speaking to each other."

Kate rose from her place at the table and gathered up the bag, her mother's phone, and the gun she had laid on the counter. "Come on," she told her.

"Where are we going?" Johanna asked.

"I have to go back to work, and you need to relax," Kate told her as she moved into the living room and placed the objects on the coffee table. She then closed the blinds and the curtains, darkening the room for her and then she handed her the remote and Johanna looked at her in puzzlement.

"Keep it dark in here that should help with the headache. Find something on TV that can occupy your mind, your candy is in the bag. Try to quit crying. If you're tired, take a nap; just keep your phone close by so you'll hear it."

"Anything else?" Johanna asked, masking the fact that she was somewhat touched that she was trying to make her comfortable.

"Lock the door," she said as she moved in the direction of it "I'll call you in a little while."

Kate waited in the hallway until she heard the locks click into place and then she made her way back downstairs and got into the car.

"It's not pretty up there," she told Castle when she got back into the car.

"I was starting to worry," he told her.

She sighed, "She's a mess."

"Were you offering moral support?"

"I wouldn't call it that," she said as she pulled out into traffic, "I was just being patient with her."

"What happened between her and your dad?"

"Apparently he said something that ripped her heart out, but she won't tell me what it is," she answered.

"What do you think it was?" Castle said.

"I don't know, but it must've been pretty bad. She won't talk about it."

"What are you going to do?" Castle asked.

She looked at him, "What can I do?" she stated, "I don't know what went down between them or what was said. All I know is that she told him to leave, and he did, and now she's having a meltdown and giving herself a migraine."

"You could call your dad," he replied.

"I'm not calling him," she answered, "Apparently he hasn't gotten all of his aggravation out of his system yet. I'm not going back for round two. I'll wait a few days and see if he calls me or comes around."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then you'll babysit my mother and I'll go over and give him some payback for all of the lectures he's given me since this thing started."

"Oh, revenge lectures, I like it," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

She smirked, "You're gathering up all kinds of plot lines from this, aren't you?"

"It is a wealth of material," he agreed.

"I'm glad that this isn't preventing me from fulfilling my obligations as your muse," she quipped.

"You're multi-talented like that," he answered with a grin.

She laughed, "I aim to please."

"Oh, I just thought of a title," he stated.

"What?"

"Vengeful Heat," he told her with a grin, "What do you think?"

Kate smiled, "Actually, I kind of like it."

* * *

Back at the precinct she went over everything on Hayes again but still came up empty handed. Bank statements showed that he deposited cash, the day after each note had been delivered, and his phone records indicated calls to various burner cells that couldn't be traced. It was all one big dead end.

She dropped Castle off at his loft at the end of the day, and before he got out of the car he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Call if you need anything."

"I will."

"Even if it's just back-up in dealing with an overwrought mother."

She smiled "I'm hoping that she's over it now," she answered, "The last time I called she sounded like she was half asleep so maybe she took a nap and feels better."

"I hope so," he told her, "Or you might end up with a wet shoulder."

Kate shook her head, "She can cry but she won't be doing it on my shoulder."

He smiled at her, "Until tomorrow, Kate."

"Until tomorrow," she answered, "And I hope it's a hell of a lot better than today."

"Me too."

He exited the car and she drove off in the direction of her apartment, dreading spending the evening there. Her mother was asleep on the couch when she walked through the door. A glass of water and the bottle of Advil had been added to the collection on the coffee table, and she noticed that there was several candy wrappers scattered amongst the tissues.

She quietly placed her keys on the stand and then carefully treaded into her room to change clothes. The floor squeaked on her return, startling her mother.

"Go back to sleep," she told her, "I'll wake you when dinner is ready."

When her mother didn't put up a fight and closed her eyes, Kate knew that nothing was better. She made a salad and pasta and then woke her mother when it was ready.

"Are you feeling any better?" Kate asked her as they sat down at the table.

"No," Johanna answered.

"Do you need to see a doctor for that headache?" she asked as she noticed that her mother was still squinting and seemed to be in pain.

"No, it just has to run its course."

They fell silent, and for once Kate knew that her mother didn't want conversation. She shooed her back to the couch while she did the dishes, and by the time they were settled into their usual nightly routine she noticed that her mother was crying again.

"Is your head bothering you that badly?" Kate asked in concern.

"No, it's not that."

She sighed, "Do you want to tell me what he said."

"No."

"Try not to think about it," Kate told her.

That was easier said then done, Johanna mused as she wiped her eyes.

Kate watched her for a moment as she struggled with what to do, and her mind recalled that her mother had offered her comfort in the aftermath of her nightmare, and that although she hadn't liked accepting it, it had made her feel better, and Johanna hadn't made it into something it wasn't and maybe she owed her some small gesture in thanks for that. Slowly she reached across the space between them and took her hand. Her mother didn't react at first, but when she didn't pull her hand away, Johanna gripped it tightly as she continued to cry.

Kate released a heavy breath, it was going to be one of those weeks and she didn't know how the hell she was supposed to fix it.


	16. Chapter 16

_Authors Note: Sorry for the delay, as always. Thanks for your reviews! You guys keep me motivated and make my day! I hope you enjoy this one._

Chapter 16 – I Don't Believe You

'_Its like one of those bad dreams when you cant wake up, looks like your giving up, you've had enough but I want more, no I wont stop, cause I just know you'll come around'- Pink_

"Oh my god," Kate stated as she stepped into the kitchen, "You really have lost your mind."

Johanna glanced up from the mixing bowl in front of her, "What are you doing up?"

Kate pulled out a chair and sat down across from her at the table, "When I hear a noise in the middle of the night I get up and investigate."

"I'm sorry," her mother replied, "I was trying to be quiet."

"What are you doing?" Kate asked as she rubbed her tired eyes.

"Making brownies."

Kate glanced at the clock on the microwave, "It's 4:13 in the morning!"

"I couldn't sleep," Johanna answered.

"And making brownies was the logical solution to that problem because?" she asked.

"Because I want a brownie," her mother answered, "And besides there's nothing on television worth watching at this time of the morning and I don't have the concentration required for reading a book."

"What's wrong?" Kate asked, although she was sure she already knew.

Johanna frowned as she mixed in a few more ingredients, "Same thing that's been wrong for the past three days."

She nodded, "Why don't you just call him?"

Her mother shook her head, "I can't."

Kate sighed, "Why don't you just tell me what this was about?"

"It wasn't about you," Johanna remarked.

"I figured that much," she replied, "I just haven't figured out what he said to you that has you up making brownies at four in the morning."

"He said plenty," she answered as she picked up a large spoon and began to mix the contents in the bowl.

"I have a mixer," Kate stated as she watched her.

"I know, but I didn't get it out because I didn't want to wake you."

"Well I'm awake now, so you may as well use it and save your arm."

"That's alright; I'd rather do it this way."

Kate watched her as she stirred the batter quickly, the spoon clanging against the inside of the bowl in a furious rhythm. 'An outlet for her aggression,' Kate remembered, and from the tense lines of her mothers face she knew that she was in desperate need of an outlet for her emotions.

"How's your headache?" she asked her, as it seemed to be lingering without end.

"It's not as bad as it was when it first started," Johanna answered.

"But it's still there?"

She nodded, "It's duller now, but it's still there."

"Maybe if you got some sleep," Kate suggested.

"I've tried. I either can't go to sleep or I can't stay asleep once I do, so I'd rather just stay up."

"What's your excuse for not eating?" Kate asked, "You've done nothing but pick at your food for days."

"I already told you the last time you asked me," her mother answered, "My stomach is upset, and I'm not hungry."

"Unless it something chocolate, right?" Kate asked.

"Right."

"Maybe you need to go to the doctor. I don't like that this headache is hanging on," she told her.

Johanna poured the brownie batter into a pan, "It's just my nerves, Kate. I don't need a doctor."

Kate studied her face and felt that it seemed a little pale, "Maybe you do."

"I don't."

"We'll see."

Her mother looked at her, "What are you going to do, drag me to one at gun point?"

Kate smirked, "I can always handcuff you too, if I have to."

"That'll be the day," she remarked as she put the pan in the oven and set the timer.

"You don't think I would?" Kate asked.

"Oh I don't doubt for a moment that you would," Johanna replied, "But I'd put up one hell of a fight while you did it."

Kate was quiet as she watched her take out another bowl and then gather up more ingredients.

"What are you doing now?"

"I'm going to make icing for the brownies."

"What kind?"

"The best kind," she answered, wanting to see if Kate still remembered which icing they had declared the best for brownies.

"Peanut butter?" she asked, her eyes lighting up a bit.

Johanna smiled, perhaps for the first time in days, "Of course."

Kate couldn't help but smile a little, "In that case I guess I can overlook the fact that it's 4 in the morning."

"I appreciate that," Johanna answered, "I really didn't mean to wake you."

"Don't worry about it," Kate replied, "I wasn't sleeping well anyway."

"What's wrong with you?"

She looked at her, "What do you think?"

"The case," her mother said quietly.

"It's still at a standstill," she replied as Johanna began to measure out her ingredients to make the icing.

"That's not your fault," she told her softly.

"Knowing that doesn't make me feel any better," Kate stated.

"You'll find something."

"Not through Scott Hayes," she remarked.

Johanna sighed, "I guess that was almost too much to hope for."

She nodded in agreement, "Nothing like a dead end to make you feel like a failure."

"You're not a failure," Johanna stated firmly.

Kate said nothing in reply, not wanting to end up in an argument about how she was supposed to feel.

"And I don't believe for a moment that you're a failure in your father's eyes either, if that's what you're sitting there thinking."

Kate looked at her, "I wasn't thinking about Dad."

Johanna regarded her with a raised brow.

"What?" she asked, "You're allowed to lie but I'm not?"

Her mother sighed, "Kate, every time we go down the road marked liar we end up yelling at each other or in tears, so let's not go there tonight. We're having a decent conversation, let's keep it that way for both of our sakes."

Kate held her gaze for a moment and then backed down. She didn't want to start the day off with a fight, especially when it would only end up leaving a bad taste in her mouth, and she didn't want to cause her mother's headache to grow worse.

"Okay," she said quietly.

Johanna glanced at her in surprise, as she had expected her to launch the argument or to retreat from the room. "Okay?" she questioned, just to be sure she had heard right.

Kate nodded, "Yeah. Okay."

That, Johanna thought to herself, had to be a small step towards progress.

"Have you talked to your father?"

"No, we're still communicating through text messages."

"Has he said anything?"

"About what?"

Johanna glanced away from the icing she was creating and looked at her daughter "About…me."

"The whole point of his text messages is to ask if we're okay."

"I meant besides that."

"You mean about your fight?"

"Yeah."

"No, he's being as closed mouth about it as you are."

"Has he apologized to you?"

"No."

"He said he was going to," Johanna remarked.

"Well he hasn't yet," she replied, "He only checks in every few hours to make sure we're still here and that we're fine."

She was quiet for a moment as she picked up a spoon and sampled her creation "Has he said if he's ever coming back?"

"I'm sure he will…eventually."

"Hasn't he said?"

Kate hesitated and Johanna picked up on her reluctance.

"What are you not telling me?" she asked her.

"Do you really want to know?"

"I guess that pretty much says it all," Johanna stated as she dropped the spoon back onto the table, the clatter of it sounding loudly through the quiet apartment.

"He didn't say that he was never coming back," Kate told her.

"Then what did he say?" she asked, a hint of desperation in her voice.

She sighed, "He said that he thinks we could all benefit from some space from each other."

Her mother said nothing, but she saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes.

"Please don't cry again," Kate said softly.

"You should try and get some more sleep," Johanna said as she began to clean up the table, her bowl of icing finished.

"I'm awake now, I'm not going back to bed, there'd be no point in it. By the time I'd get to sleep I'd just have to get back up to get ready for work, and besides you only want me to leave the room so you can cry some more."

"I can't help it, Katie," she said, the more familiar name slipping from her lips but Kate ignored it for the time being.

"Can't help what?"

"That I'm an emotional mess."

Kate shrugged, "I can deal with that, I just don't want you to start crying again, especially this early in the morning."

Johanna blinked a few times and swallowed the lump in her throat; she owed it to her to at least make an effort at holding herself together.

"Just call him," Kate stated, "Maybe he'll come if you call."

She shook her head, "I can't, Kate. I can't call and ask him to come here, not after the things he said."

"Why not?"

"Because."

Kate smirked, "I was never allowed to get away with an answer like that."

"Funny how that works, isn't it," Johanna replied.

"Why's it such a big secret?"

"It's not a secret, it's just personal and hurtful and I don't want to repeat it."

"Then how am I supposed to help you?" Kate asked quietly, although she wasn't sure why she wanted to help her in the first place.

The timer on the stove went off and Johanna got up from the table and removed the brownies from the oven and sat them on the counter to cool.

"You are helping me," Johanna remarked softly.

"How?"

"You haven't locked me in the closet while I'm on a crying jag, and you haven't kicked me while I'm down…,and when I'm falling apart you let me hold your hand for a few minutes and that's enough. You don't have to do any of that and yet you have, and while I don't misconstrue it as meaning your feelings have changed, it does make me feel a little better."

Kate sighed, "Maybe if you told someone, you could feel more than just a 'little better'."

"I'm afraid I've gotten out of the habit of telling someone whats bothering me," she said softly.

"I get that," she replied, as it wasn't always easy for her to confide in someone when she was troubled; a habit she had picked up in the same time frame that her mother had.

They sat in silence as the brownies cooled and then Johanna grabbed a knife from the drawer and began to cut them. She then dipped the knife into the bowl of icing and began the task of putting the confection on top of the brownies. Kate got up from the table long enough to fetch another knife and then she sat back down and began to help with the task.

Johanna was at war with herself as she carefully considered what she should do. A part of her wanted to keep the reason for her hurt locked deep inside of her, and yet another part of her wanted nothing more than to confide in someone; and this wasn't just someone, it was her daughter, but that could create the possibility of more hurt. Kate might agree with the things Jim had said, she might throw in a hurtful opinion of her own and she wasn't sure her fragile heart could take another blow; but she looked across the table at her sleep disheveled daughter, watching her put icing on a brownie and then place it on a plate with the other finished creations and she felt her resolve slipping. She knew that Kate was growing concerned about the discord between her and Jim and the effect it seemed to be having on her health and she didn't want her to worry needlessly as she had enough on her mind to worry over.

She finished icing the brownie she held and then sat it on the plate and took a steadying breath as she steeled herself for the worst.

"He regrets marrying me," she said quietly.

Kate's knife fell from her fingers, the dull thud of it hitting the table ringing through the room as her gaze snapped to her mother's face. "What?"

The tears Johanna had been asked not to shed came to the surface once more and they broke free and rolled down her face as she repeated herself.

"He actually said that to you?" she questioned; her face betraying her shook over the statement.

Johanna nodded, "He said that sometimes he wishes he had never laid eyes on me."

Kate stared at her for a long minute, and then she rubbed a hand over her face as if it would somehow change or erase the words she had just heard.

"He really said that?" she repeated.

Her mother nodded again as she pushed the empty pan away from her and allowed her elbows to rest on the table as her head fell into her hands and she sobbed.

Kate closed her eyes for a moment as the force of those statements hit her. Now she understood that this crying jag of her mother's hadn't been an overreaction to some thoughtless statement said in the heat of an argument. This was deep seated hurt; and it hurt her to even imagine her father speaking those words, because if he regretted her mother then he had to regret her too and suddenly she was overwhelmed with anger.

"Tell me every single word he said," she demanded.

"Katie…," Johanna cried.

"Tell me," she repeated sternly, "You already got through what I assume the worst part was, now fill in the rest."

Johanna took a moment to bring herself under some measure of control and then she told her every single word that Jim had spoken, for she hadn't forgotten a second of it, as it played on a constant endless loop in her brain.

When she was through, Kate shoved her chair back away from the table and got to her feet, anger written across her face.

"Where are you going?"

"To get my phone. I'm going to call him."

"No!" Johanna exclaimed as she rose from her own seat, "Don't do that."

"Why not?" she asked in exasperation.

"Because it's almost five in the morning, he'll panic and think that something is wrong."

"Something is wrong!" she exclaimed, "Something is very wrong with the things coming out of his mouth lately."

"I already yelled at him for talking to you the way he did."

"Well it's my turn now!" Kate announced, "If he wants to regret us then he can get up and listen to what I have to say about it."

"He doesn't regret you," her mother cried, "Just me."

"He can't regret you and not me! I'm your daughter! I'm a part of you, and to regret you or wish that he hadn't married you is to regret me too, because if there's no you, there's no me!"

Johanna hadn't expected this reaction and she wasn't sure what to make of it as Kate paced the floor for a few minutes before dropping back into her chair. Slowly, Johanna retook her seat as well and she gazed at her daughter's face, trying to gauge what she was feeling. There was hurt in her eyes and she hadn't anticipated that; she hadn't considered that she'd take Jim's remarks as some sort of rejection of her as well.

"I shouldn't have told you," she whispered.

Kate looked at her, "You should've told me when it first happened and I would've taken care of it then."

"It's not for you to take care of," Johanna replied, "You can't tell him how to feel, and if he does feel that way it's my problem."

Kate shook her head no, "I think it's a problem for all of us."

"It has nothing to do with you, Kate," her mother told her, "It's about me and what I've done."

"You don't get it," Kate stated, "The problem may be about you, but it effects both of us; if he hadn't married you I wouldn't be here. He can't have me and not you, just like he can't have you and not me."

"But that's not the way he sees it," Johanna replied.

"Well I do," she said as she blinked back a tear if her own, "I always thought we were happy back before all of this happened."

"We were," she answered through her tears.

"The how can it be something to regret?"

"Because of what I've done, Katie."

"But…" Kate said before trailing off for a moment as she struggled to find the words to explain her thoughts.

"But what?"

"The years before all of this, the times when everything was good, they shouldn't be thrown away, should they? Why wish those years away?"

"Because they're tainted now," Johanna whispered.

Kate shook her head, "Is that how you see them? As tainted?"

"No," she answered, "They were the best years of my life, they're the memories I've clung to all these years. I could never regret them and I wouldn't want to trade them for anything."

"He shouldn't want to either," Kate stated, her throat feeling tight with emotion.

"He has a right to if he wants," she remarked, "Just as you have a right to feel the way you do. If he really does regret it, then I have only myself to blame. He probably would've been better off without me, both of you would have…"

"Stop it!" Kate demanded, "Just stop right there because I don't want to hear another word of that. Yes, you've done this horrible thing, and I'm angry with you because of it, but I have never sat and wished that the first 19 years of life had been different. I had a good childhood, I was loved and supported. I was encouraged and taken care of and I was made to feel safe. I wouldn't change any of that."

"You're still loved, Kate," Johanna told her, "I still love you, that's never changed."

Kate swallowed hard but she ignored the statement, "If something is to be regretted it should be the last 13 years, and if I could go back and change things, I would in some respects, but not everything."

"What would you change?" she asked her.

"The part about you," she answered, "You'd tell us the truth."

"And what would stay the same?"

"Me," Kate answered, "I'd still be what I am now; I'd still be a cop."

Johanna knew there was more to it than that. She could read between the lines and hear what Kate didn't say. She wouldn't change herself because if she did then she might not have Rick and Johanna knew that Kate wouldn't give up Rick for anything even if there was a rewind and redo button on their lives.

"Maybe your father feels differently," she said quietly.

"Maybe my father is just behaving like a jackass this week."

That made her smile, "He does have previous experience at being one on occasion."

"Please tell me that you slapped him before you threw him out," Kate said as she rubbed her fingers across her forehead, feeling a headache of her own starting to take shape.

She shook her head, "I didn't do anything."

"What do you mean you didn't do anything!" she exclaimed, "You didn't say anything? You just let him get away with it?"

Johanna sighed and then she told Kate what she had said to Jim, and the way she had said it.

"That's it?" Kate asked.

"That's it."

"I can't believe this!" she stated as she got up from the table once again to pace the floor before she stopped and locked her gaze on her mother.

"Who the hell are you?" Kate asked her.

"What?" Johanna asked in confusion.

"My mother wouldn't have sat here and taken that like a mouse! She wasn't a doormat," she told her, "If he had said that 15 or 20 years ago the neighbors would've heard the explosion!"

"15 or 20 years ago I would've been justified in reacting that way."

"I don't care if it's justified or not, you shouldn't have sat here and allowed him to hurt you like that. That's not the person I know, that's not the person who raised me to stand up for myself. My mother was a fighter! Where is she?"

It was on the tip of her tongue to say that she had died a slow painful death during that first year in Wyoming but she didn't think that remark would go over well.

"She's been lost for a long time, Kate;" she whispered, "She gave up."

"Well you better find whatever box you shoved her in and get her out and dust her off, because there may come a moment during this mess we're in that I might need you to stand next to me and fight, and you better be able to rise to the occasion, because that's what my mother would do. I don't know who Meagan Stevens is and I don't care to know; but I know who Johanna Beckett is and I know she fights, so you find her and you tell her that it's time she gets back in the game. Do you understand me?"

Johanna wiped the tears from her face and took her daughter's words to heart as she kept her gaze locked on hers. Finally she nodded, "I'll find her, Katie."

"You better," she answered as she sank back down into her chair.

Silence fell between them, the air still charged with emotion and Kate lifted a brownie from the plate and took a bite of it.

"You haven't had breakfast yet," Johanna commented as she watched her.

"Who gives a damn?"

"You should eat breakfast."

"I'm not hungry."

"Unless it's chocolate, right?" Johanna commented, throwing the words back at her.

"Exactly."

"I could make you something. You shouldn't go to work without breakfast."

"I've gone to work without breakfast plenty of times, the brownie will suffice."

Her mother regarded her with a raised brow and Kate shrugged, "You're the one who made them, so I assume you were going to eat one when they were done."

"I was going to eat breakfast first," she answered, "Or at least try to."

"You can eat breakfast first if you want," Kate said as she took another bite of her brownie.

Johanna sighed and then picked up a brownie, "The hell with it," she said, "Brownies for breakfast it is."

Kate was still stewing with anger by the time she was ready to leave for work and Johanna was treading carefully as she wasn't sure if some part of that anger was directed at her and her lackluster response to Jim's comments. She walked to the door with Kate and waited as she turned to address her.

"No more crying," she stated, "Not about this thing with Dad anyway".

"I'll try."

"Get some rest," she told her, "I'll call later."

Johanna nodded, "Be careful."

The way Kate felt, she could take on anyone who dared to cross her.

"I'll be fine," she told her, "Don't worry about it."

She gave her a small smile and then locked the door once she left. Johanna then made her way to her room and sat on the foot of the bed. She had to find the person that she used to be, because Kate was right, there may come a moment when she'd have to stand and fight with her and she wasn't going to let her down.

* * *

"Where's Beckett?" Castle asked as he walked into the precinct that morning, carrying two cups of coffee as usual.

Esposito looked at him, "She's in the gym beating the hell out of the punching bag."

"Why?" he asked warily.

"She's pissed," he answered.

"At who?"

"We don't know," Ryan answered, "We thought maybe it was you, since you weren't trailing in behind her."

Castle quickly replayed the phone conversation they had the night before and he couldn't recall anything odd, or that anything had been said or done that would make her angry with him.

He shook his head, "She was fine when I talked to her last night."

The boys sized him up and then looked at each other and seemed to come to the agreement that Castle wasn't the cause of their friend's distress.

"Must be Mama Beckett," Esposito stated quietly, "Because she looked furious and the last time we went up to look in on her, the bag was losing."

"Oh boy," he muttered as he wracked his brain once more for any indication that something had been amiss between mother and daughter the night before. Kate hadn't said anything about an argument between them, in fact she had seemed somewhat concerned about her mother and the fact that her headache was hanging on and that she wasn't eating; and she'd mentioned that Johanna had been crying again but that she had yet to get it out of her about what Jim had said that caused her so much distress. She'd been fine, she had ended their call at 11:35 and said she was going to bed; but of course that didn't mean that something hadn't happened during breakfast, as they could be sharing an amicable silence one moment and then yelling the next.

"I guess I better go up there and find out what's going on," Castle said as he looked at his friends.

Ryan nodded, "Yeah, you should. That's your department."

"And then you should do something to fix it," Esposito stated.

"Is that my department too?" he asked.

"Yes," they stated at the same time.

"Your faith in me is touching," Castle commented.

"Yeah, well don't blow it," Esposito stated, "A pissed off Beckett is no fun for any of us."

Ryan nodded his head in agreement, "If she's not happy, none of us are happy."

"Yes, I know," he answered, "Believe me, I know."

"Then you better get to work," Esposito told him.

Castle took a breath and nodded, sitting his cup of coffee on her desk and then turned towards the stairs that would take him to his angry partner.

He spotted her as soon as he entered the gym, wailing away at the bag, her jaw set in anger driven concentration.

"Hey," he stated as he got near her, but his voice didn't break through her thoughts so he moved closer.

"Hey, Laila Ali," he stated loudly, drawing her attention to him.

"What, Castle?" she asked as she took another punch at the bag.

"I brought you coffee," he stated casually, holding it up for her to see.

"Thanks."

"Rumor has it that you're in a bad mood," he said, taking his tone down a notch, even though she seemed to be the only one in the gym for the moment.

"News travels fast," she commented as she continued to throw her fist at the bag.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She scoffed, "The shorter answer would be 'What's not wrong?'."

He took a moment and started over, "Who upset you today?"

She didn't answer, only continued to hit the bag with fierce determination.

"Was it your mother?"

"No," she answered, pausing for a moment to wipe away a bead of sweat from her forehead.

He was quiet for a long moment and she knew what he was thinking.

"It's not you either, Castle."

He sighed in relief, "Good, because I couldn't remember doing anything."

She gave a small smile and threw a half hearted punch at the bag.

"Is it the case?"

Kate shook her head, but threw another punch.

He wracked his brain, it wasn't Johanna, it wasn't him, it wasn't the case, that left….

"Your father?" he asked.

Her jaw tightened and her gloved fist slammed into the bag with a force that the last two punches had lacked.

"And we have a winner," Castle stated, "What happened, did he come back this morning?"

She flicked her gaze toward him, "No, and it's probably a good damn thing he didn't."

"Phone call? Text message?" he questioned, wondering what Jim had done now.

"No."

"Then what?"

Kate slammed her fist into the bag a few more times and then she stopped and pulled the gloves off and turned toward Castle.

"She told me what he said to her," she answered.

His eyes widened, "You got her to crack?"

She nodded, "I found her in the kitchen at four this morning, making brownies."

"At four in the morning?"

"She bakes when she's stressed," she answered.

That was fitting, he thought, Johanna probably beat the hell out of batter and Kate beat the hell out of punching bags.

"What made her give in and tell you?"

Kate shrugged, "Probably because I wouldn't go back to bed once she got it out of me about his 'need for space' comment."

"Maybe you should start at the beginning," he suggested.

She nodded, picked up her bottle of water from the floor and then led him over to a bench so they could sit down.

"I found her in the kitchen and we started talking and she got around to asking me if he had said anything about coming back anytime soon."

"I thought you weren't going to tell her about that 'space' text message."

"I wasn't," she replied, "But I gave a flimsy answer, she caught me in it and knew I was keeping something from her….just like old times," she said trailed off.

He took her hand and squeezed it for a moment, encouraging her to go on.

"I told her what he said and I saw her eyes filling up with tears and she tried to send me back to bed but I wouldn't go, because I knew if I did she'd sit in the kitchen and cry for the rest of the morning."

"So how did you get it out of her?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly, "I made a comment about how she might feel better if she just told someone, but she didn't seem like she was going to budge so I let it go. I was just sitting there, helping her put icing on the brownies and she just kind of spit it out."

"What did he say?" Castle asked, because obviously it had been horrible if it had enraged her to the point that she had to take her aggression out in the gym.

"I would've never thought my father capable of saying something like that to her," she mused, "I would've never imagined it for a moment, and if she hadn't burst into tears as soon as the words left her lips I might have been inclined to think she had made it up, or overdramatized an offhand comment."

She was stalling and there was something in her eyes that told him that whatever it was that had hurt Johanna so deeply, was now hurting her too. He waited, not saying anything, but watching her intently as various emotions played out across her features. She blinked rapidly a few times, clearing her green eyes of the sheen of tears that had appeared briefly, and the she took a sip of water and looked at him.

"He told her that sometimes he regrets marrying her and that at times he wishes he had never laid eyes on her, and when she asked him if he'd marry her all over again if he could go back and do it over, he told her he didn't know, but that sometimes he didn't think he would."

Castle winced, "That would explain a three day crying jag."

"I just can't believe he said that," Kate repeated, "And to her face at that…and then there's that thought in my mind that if he regrets her then he has to regret me too, despite what he said in regards to me when she brought that up."

"I can understand how you'd feel that way," he replied, "You can't have one without the other."

"Exactly."

"What are you going to do?" he asked her as it was obvious she was thinking of doing something.

"Are you busy tonight?"

"No, what do you need?"

"Can you stay with my mother for a little while?" she asked.

He studied her for a moment, "Sure, but where are you going?"

She smiled a little, "It's time to give my father a little payback. If he wants to regret something, I'll give him something worth regretting"

"Ah, the revenge lecture," Castle quipped, "You sure you don't need me to come with you?"

Kate shook her head, "I'd rather you stay with her; that is if you don't mind. I know that there's always an unmarked unit covering the building when I'm gone but I feel better when someone is with her and I think she's comfortable enough with you that she won't mind me being gone for a little while."

"I don't mind," he told her, "I'll look after her while you do what you need to do."

Kate smiled at him and laid her hand on his knee, "Thanks, Castle."

He covered her hand with his own and grinned, "If you need bail money, call, my wallet and lawyer are at your disposal."

She laughed, which had been his goal, and set her empty water bottle down and reached for the cup of coffee he still held in his other hand.

"I'd hate to think that an argument with my father would lead to the need of bail money."

His eyes sparkled, "Yes, but you Beckett's seem to be temperamental."

"You've noticed?" she asked with a smile.

He nodded, "I've always known about your temper, and I discovered your mother's during that breakfast/market trip fiasco, and now I'm realizing that Jim has one as well."

"Yeah, well it's too bad that my mother didn't remember having a temper when all of this was going down."

"Do you think it would've turned out differently?"

"If she'd been acting like herself, he wouldn't have stood a chance."

"Really?"

She nodded, "They didn't fight often, usually they just had minor petty arguments but once in awhile one of them would blow up into a huge fight and they'd be in to it for days, and when my mother got going there was no stopping her. They always tried not to fight in front of me, but once the yelling started there was no avoiding it," she said with a laugh, "She usually always outlasted him."

"Maybe she needs to find that part of herself again," he commented.

Kate's expression changed and he was afraid that he had said the wrong thing but then she spoke and she surprised him with what she said.

"I told her that this morning."

"You did?"

"Yeah," she said with a small sigh before telling him about the rest of her conversation with Johanna.

"Was I wrong to do that, Castle?" she asked.

"Why would it be wrong?"

"I don't know; is it sending a mixed signal?"

"I think the two of you have enough of an understanding about the boundaries between you," he stated.

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that in my opinion, some of the rawness has worn off and there's a little bit of wiggle room in regards to offering comfort, support, or encouragement; and on the other hand you're right, there may come a moment when she has to fight and she has to be ready."

She didn't know why, but hearing him say that made her feel better about how she had handled her mother.

Kate smiled at him and leaned close to whisper in his ear, "If we were someplace else, I'd gladly pay you a fee for that one."

His blue eyes sparkled as she pulled back, "I'll bill you."

Kate laughed as she rose from the bench. "I always pay my bills," she told him before taking a sip of coffee and then handing the cup back to him, "I'll see you downstairs."

He smiled as he watched her walk off towards the locker room and then he retreated back downstairs to wait at her desk and give the boys the word that they didn't need to hide for the rest of the day.

* * *

At the end of the day Castle went home with Kate to take over the duty of watching over Johanna.

"She's going after Jim, isn't she?" Johanna asked once Kate was gone.

Castle did his best to give her a blank look, "She said she was doing something work related."

Johanna regarded him with a disbelieving look before she retreated into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea and to pour him a cup of coffee.

"You're not a good liar, Rick, and I'm not stupid," she told him as he sat down at the table to watch her.

"But I try," he answered with amusement.

She laughed softly, "Why didn't she just say she was going over there."

"Because you'd tell her not too," he replied as he accepted the mug of coffee from her.

"You're right about that," she answered, "This wasn't my intention when I confided in her. It's my fight, not hers."

"Not in her mind," he answered, "It's her fight too now."

Johanna nodded, "Does she have something rehearsed or is she just going to wing it?"

"She'll probably play it by ear….I'm sure he'll suffer."

She couldn't help but smile a little, "I don't envy him."

"Me either."

"How am I supposed to take this?" she asked him, "What does it mean that she has reacted this way to what he said to me?"

"I don't know;" he answered honestly, "But I wouldn't make too much out of it if I were you."

"Oh, I don't intend too," she answered, "I'm walking a fine line with her and I don't want to do something that would cause her to backpedal."

"Good choice," Castle told her.

She could feel him watching her as she prepared her tea and while it didn't bother her, she wanted him to be aware that she knew she was being studied.

"You like to watch people, don't you?" she commented lightly, her back still to him.

"Yes," he answered, "You can learn a lot by watching a person, instead of just listening all the time."

"And what are you hoping to learn by watching me make tea?" she asked him as she brought her cup to the table.

He smiled, "Sorry."

Johanna waved a dismissive hand, "Don't be. I don't mind, I was just curious."

"I've seen photos of you, so I already knew that Kate looked like you, but I've always wondered if she had any of your mannerisms," he answered.

"And what's your verdict?" she asked with a smile.

"She moves her hands like you do," he answered, "You both move your hands with an air of gracefulness."

Johanna looked down at her hands, "I've never heard that one before."

Castle grinned, "I try to specialize in saying things no one else has."

"You wouldn't get away with watching my mother-in-law," she told him.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because Elizabeth Beckett hated to be watched, in fact being stared at was probably her second most hated thing."

"What was the first?"

"Me," she answered with a laugh.

"Why did she hate you?"

Johanna rolled her eyes as she thought of Elizabeth and Castle couldn't help but smile as he recognized the gesture he often seen from Kate.

"She had a whole list of reasons," she answered, "But number one on the list was because she didn't have a hand in choosing who her favorite child was going to marry. I wasn't good enough for her little boy."

Castle laughed, "One of those, huh."

"She was one of something alright," Johanna commented, "She hated me from the first moment she saw me."

"How did you feel about her?"

"I tried to get along with her for Jim's sake, and later on for Katie's sake but it rarely ever went well. There would be false lulls of security when I'd think that maybe we were getting past our issues, but those moments were always short lived."

"But that doesn't really answer my question," Castle remarked.

She smiled, "I might have liked her more if she had given a bit of effort to try to accept me."

"You're trying to sugar coat this, aren't you?" he teased.

Johanna laughed, "Fine, Rick, I'll say it; I thought she was a bitch…of course she was known to say the same about me on occasion so I guess that made us even."

Castle laughed, "Holidays must have been fun."

"A blast."

"What about Jim's father?" Castle asked.

She smiled wistfully, "My father-in-law was a wonderful person. He was always very kind and loving towards me, always respectful and he always made me feel as though I were a part of his family, as a daughter, not just the wife of one of his children. In a lot of ways he treated me better than my own father ever did."

His interest was piqued and he was as intrigued by the story of Johanna Beckett as he was by the story of Kate.

"You didn't get along with your father?" he inquired.

Her expression changed, her eyes clouded over with something he couldn't quite put a finger on and she was quiet for a moment, as if she were carefully choosing her words.

"It wasn't so much that we didn't get along," she replied, "It was more about the fact that I never really felt loved by him. He wasn't one to show much affection; he considered that to be our mother's job. His job was to make sure we were aware of our responsibilities in life, that we knew what was expected of us and that we did what we were told. He was strict and demanding, rarely settled for less than perfection, and he didn't believe in spoiling us. If it wasn't your birthday or Christmas, don't ask. My brother had it a little easier than my sister and I; he was the only son and he was the golden child, the one who would carry on the McKenzie name."

"That must have been hard to grow up with," he stated.

She nodded, "It was, and I was in the middle. My brother was the oldest and he seemed to be privileged, my sister, was for the most part treated the same as me but since she was the baby sometimes she was offered a bit more indulgence than I was. If you screwed up, you incurred his wrath and there was no censoring when he yelled at you. He didn't care if you were 5 or 15, if he thought you were stupid, he told you so in no uncertain terms."

"Surely he didn't think you were stupid," he said; as he imagined the scene she was painting.

"He told me I was more times than I can count. His favorite line was always _'You don't have the sense god gave a goose, Johanna.' _He always expounded upon that phrase, in accordance to whatever it was that I had done and the word 'stupid' always came into play, along with 'foolish'. My father always said that my sister and I were 'needy, attention seeking creatures' but he was always looking at me when he said it, so I always assumed that he meant it for me more than her."

"Why would he say something like that?" Castle asked, as he could never fathom saying anything like that about his daughter.

"Because he felt that we were 'dreamers', and he had no use for that kind of foolishness. Dreams were for people who didn't have to work for a living, he said, and he seemed to take some measure of pride in crushing our hopes and dreams, or 'flights of fancy' as he termed them."

"He sounds like he was a very harsh man," Castle said to her, "No offense of course."

"None taken," she replied, "He was harsh, and he was proud of it. My sister loved to sing, and she was good at it, she had a beautiful voice and she dreamed of being a singer. She wanted to take voice lessons but he shot her down. He told her if she wanted to sing, she could turn on the radio and sing along while she washed the dishes. Singing wasn't a suitable career and he wouldn't stand for it, especially when she didn't have what it took to be one, in his opinion. I don't think I ever heard her sing after that."

Castle was quiet for a moment before asking, "What was your dream, Johanna? What did you want to be?"

She looked down at the surface of the table for a moment, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as if she were unsure of rather to divulge her childhood ambitions.

"It's silly," she said softly, "I suppose it always was."

"What was it?"

She shifted in her seat, "In the first Nikki Heat book, you wrote her character as wanting to be an actress when she was young, why was that?" she asked.

He shrugged, "I don't know really, a part of it was because I didn't know what Kate wanted to be before she became a cop; she hadn't opened up to that extent with me at that point. On the other hand, I'd watch her in interrogations, I'd watch her bluff with criminals, make them believe what she wanted and then make them crack. She had an ease about her when it came to controlling her emotions, she can be whatever the situation calls for in regards to her job, and I've always thought that she'd make a good actress, and so being one became Nikki's old dream."

She smiled, "I thought perhaps it was because she told you that she had been named for an actress."

"No, I didn't know that she had been named after Katharine Hepburn at that time. I didn't find out about that until she caught me peeking at her driver's license to find out her middle name."

Johanna laughed softly, "She intrigues you, doesn't she?"

"Endlessly."

"I always liked that part of the book," she said, returning to her original line of thought, "Not that I don't like all of it, because I do, but I always smiled when I'd read the part about her wanting to be an actress."

"Why did you name Kate after Katharine Hepburn?" he asked.

"When I was a kid, my mother would take me to movies all the time, especially if they were playing a Katharine Hepburn movie, because she was her favorite and if one of the theaters was playing her old films she had to be there; and if there was a new one, she was there the day it opened and I was always with her because I was the one who loved it as much as she did. I'd sit there and I'd watch Katharine up on the screen and I'd think to myself that she had it together; she could do anything, be anybody. She was classy and bold. She had respect, she didn't get pushed around, and being a woman didn't hinder her from doing what she wanted. She didn't lay down and die, she fought back. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to have that kind of strength, and when it came time to name my daughter I named her Katherine, because I hoped that she would grow up to be as bold and classy as Hepburn, that she'd have that strength and that drive, that she'd never let anyone get in her way or push her aside."

Castle smiled, "I think you must've chosen wisely," he stated, "because I believe that Kate is all of those things that you wanted."

Johanna smiled, "I think so too."

"One question though, why is her name spelled differently than Katharine Hepburn's?"

"That's Jim's fault," she answered, "It was a long labor and delivery, and when it was over and I knew that she was healthy and perfect and I had gotten to kiss and cuddle her, I just wanted to go to sleep. Jim said he'd take care of filling out the paperwork, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to name her Katherine Houghton; and I told him yes. I had been set on that name from the beginning and that was what I wanted and he knew why. I assumed he knew to spell it with an 'a' instead of an 'e' but obviously he didn't."

Castle laughed, "Were you mad when you realized the mistake?"

She chuckled, "No. It was hard to be angry with him over something so trivial when he was so in love with his baby girl. A part of me had been worried that he'd be disappointed if it wasn't a boy, but when she arrived I knew I had nothing to worry about. He was wrapped around her little finger from the moment the cord was cut."

There was silence as he worked out Johanna's subtle reveal of the dream she had long ago.

"You wanted to be an actress," he stated.

She smiled and nodded, "I told you it was silly."

"It's not silly to a man who grew up with an actress as his mother."

"She's wonderful at what she does," Johanna commented, "I've seen her onstage, a long time ago."

"Did you tell her that?" he asked with a grin.

"No, I never got around to working it into the conversation."

"Did you ever try to be one?" he asked, "Or did your father put his foot down?"

"I was in a few school plays," she admitted, "and I loved it, but when I wanted to take classes my father wouldn't go for it. He said that no daughter of his was going to be an actress, and since these school plays were obviously putting this foolish nonsense in my head there would be no more of that either. He told me I had two choices, keep my nose in the books and get into college or start looking for a well off man to marry."

"That had to hurt."

"It did," she answered quietly, "And that was just the minor highlights of that conversation."

He studied her face and could see the old vestiges of hurt that lingered from the long ago incident.

"He never had much use for me," she remarked, "I always felt like an outcast where he was concerned, and I always had my doubts on those rare occasions when he'd tell me that he loved me."

"Do you really believe that he didn't?" Castle asked.

She thought about it for a moment, "I suppose maybe he did love me in his own way, but I guess it was never the way I needed, it wasn't the way my mother loved me and I guess that was something I could never understand. I've always felt like that there were only two things I ever did in life that made him happy and proud of me."

"What were they?" he asked.

She smiled wistfully "One of them was when I handed him my law degree."

"And the other?"

"Katie; he loved her. Everything that he wasn't as a father he seemed to be as a grandfather. My sister and I could never figure that out, we'd sit and watch him with her kids and Katie and it was like watching a totally different person. He'd hold them, tell them stories, and play with them. He loved to hear Katie giggle when she was little; he'd toss her up in the air all day long just to hear her laugh."

"How did that make you feel?" Castle questioned, wondering if she had felt jealous of that affection her father had bestowed on her child.

"I was glad that he loved her like he did, I never begrudged that. Jim asked me once if I ever felt jealous about it, and the truth is that I never thought of it in terms of jealousy…I always kind of thought that maybe if he loved my daughter so much, then maybe it meant he loved me a little more than I thought."

"I think he probably loved you more than you think," Castle told her.

That sad smile lingered on her lips, "Even if he did, it doesn't take away all those hurtful things that he'd say to me….I'm 61 years old and those words are always still in the back of my mind, just waiting to sneak up on me again. Sometimes I can still hear him saying _'You don't have the sense god gave a goose, Johanna.'_"

He didn't know what to say to that, what could he, really?

"I'm sorry, Rick," she stated as she shook some of those cobwebs away, "I didn't mean to turn so depressing. It took me a long time to realize that I associate feelings of failure with thoughts of my father, needless to say but he's been lingering in the back of my mind a lot lately."

"No need to be sorry," he replied, "But does Kate know about all of that?"

She shook her head, "No, not really. She knows he was strict but I always left it at that. She loved him and I didn't want to tarnish his image in her eyes. I'd rather she keep those rose colored glasses on in respects to him."

"I won't tell," he remarked as he felt as though Johanna's answer was a subtle request to keep their conversation between them.

* * *

"Oh lord," Jim said when he opened his door and found Kate on his porch, her jaw tight and her eyes slightly narrowed as she stared him down.

"I hope you're on good terms with the lord," she stated, "Because the rate you're going this week, you're going to need him."

"What are you doing here, Katie?" he asked, "You should be home with your mother."

"I got a babysitter," she remarked, "He's very capable, although I'm not sure why you care; you haven't seen her in days."

He sighed heavily, "Katie…"

"Are you going to let me in or am I going to air our dirty laundry for the neighbors to hear?" she asked.

He pushed the screen door open and allowed her inside, "Does that mean you're going to yell?"

"That depends on you," she answered as she headed for the kitchen.

Jim followed behind her, knowing this wasn't going to be a pleasant visit.

"Coffee?" he asked.

"No."

"Do you want to sit down?" he asked as he watched her lean against the counter.

"No."

Jim sat down at the table, "I guess you want to get right to it."

"What game are we playing now, Dad?"

He looked at her in confusion, "What?"

"Do you plan on ignoring us permanently or what?"

"I'm not ignoring you, I text you everyday."

"What about your wife?" she asked sternly.

"What about her?"

She scoffed, "You know, I remember this big spiel you gave me about this was our second chance and I was spitting on it; and now I'm the one stuck with her and you're the one spitting in her face."

"It's not like that."

Kate rolled her eyes, "I think it's exactly like that when you're telling her that you don't know if you'd marry her again, that you regret being with her."

"She told you!" he exclaimed.

She nodded, "I finally got it out of her."

"It's none of your business," he said evenly.

"That's easy for you to say," she replied, "I'm the one who has to listen to her cry every night, I'm the one watching her make herself sick over it."

"Why don't you just ignore her?" he asked tartly, "Wasn't that your plan? Don't you remember? You didn't want anything to do with her."

She glared at him, "I don't have the luxury of walking away and having space, unlike you."

"I just needed some time, Katie," he said heavily.

"Time's up."

He gave a short laugh, "You have your nerve telling me what to do."

Kate smirked bitterly, "How does that feel, Dad? How do you like having someone tell you what to do? How does it feel to be told you're not doing enough?"

He leaned back in his chair and looked at her, "So this is really about you."

Kate shook her head, "No, it's about her; I just couldn't resist that moment of comeuppance."

"I'm sorry, Katie, I never meant to hurt you."

"I'm not here about that," she stated, "I don't even care about that."

He scoffed, "Right."

"I don't want your apology," she replied, "I know I'm failing, I don't need you to pretend that you don't think it. I know I'm a disappointment to you."

"You've never disappointed me!"

"Spare me the lies, Dad," Kate said, "It's fine, you've disappointed me plenty of times."

"I'm not lying," he threw back at her, "I leave the lying up to you and your mother; apparently you're both good at it."

Kate gave a sharp laugh, "Don't even sit there and act like you've never lied. I remember 5 years of lies, 5 years of hell that you put me through, and yet I never once said that I wished you weren't my father; do you think I believe for a moment that you've never lied to her? Or is that different, because you were the one doing the lying?"

Anger flashed in his eyes, "Alright, Katherine, we're all liars; I lied to you and your mother; your mother lied to us, and you lied to Rick," he stated tersely, "All three of us lie to the people we love."

"This isn't about me and Rick; it's about you and mom. Rick and I are none of your business."

He raised a brow, "So its mom, now, is it?"

She looked at him as if he were crazy; as she hadn't realized her slip, "I didn't call her that."

"You just did."

"No I didn't."

"I just heard you say it," he argued.

"I didn't say it," she said firmly, although a part of her was starting to think that she had and it threw her into a sense of panic.

"What's wrong, Katie? Did the door to your heart crack open a little bit? Is she getting to you? Are you starting to remember that you love her?"

"No," she declared.

"Oh I think she is," he remarked, "Why else would you be here yelling about something I said to her that's really none of your business."

"It is my business!" she yelled, "If you regret her, you regret me! My god, Dad, how could you say those things to her? Even I haven't sunk that low!"

"I didn't mean to say it!" he exclaimed, "I never meant to tell her that!"

"But you did say it! You ripped her heart out and walked away, leaving me to deal with it!"

"I thought we could all use some space," he commented.

"Like I said, it's easy for you to have space," she shot back, "Did you mean it, Dad? Do you really wish you hadn't been with her?"

"Sometimes I have felt that way; but it has nothing to do with you. I don't regret you."

"It doesn't work that way," she told him, "If Johanna McKenzie wasn't my mother, I wouldn't be me."

"Just let it go, Katie," he replied, "It's not going to get us anywhere."

She shook her head, her teeth biting into her lip, "Would you do it again, Dad? Would you marry her again? Would you give up everything, all the good years, me, the life you shared with her, would you really not go through with it if you could go back and change things?"

"I don't know," he said quietly.

A new surge of anger washed over her, "Well maybe you need to figure it out, and when you do, and you're finished behaving this way towards us, give us a call."

With that said she stormed out of the kitchen and headed for the door.

Jim flinched as the front door slammed as she left. Maybe she was right, he thought, maybe he did need to figure out the answer.

_To be continued_

_Authors Note: This isn't a cliffhanger in the normal sense of the word lol; I'm trying to shorten my chapters, so we'll pick up with Jim's answer to that question in the next chapter, along with some things I have planned for Kate and Johanna….and it's highly possible Kate will be paying that 'fee' to Castle ;)_


	17. Chapter 17

_Authors Note: First of all, sorry for the longer than usual wait for this chapter, it turned into a monster that had to be tamed, which is why it's being split into two parts; and I'm hoping to have the next chapter up sooner rather than later as I already have some portions of it typed. Secondly, Thank you so much for your reviews, you made chapter 16 my most reviewed chapter of any story I've written! I was so excited by that feat, love to all of you. Third, since you all seem to be fine with the long chapters, I'm going to keep writing them, I can't seem to stop myself anyway lol. We're having some fun in this chapter, and yes some casket moments. Enjoy!_

Chapter 17 – If I Didn't Have You – Part 1

'_This life would kill me if I didn't have you, I couldn't live without you baby, I wouldn't want to, If you didn't love me so much, I'd never make it through' – Thompson Square_

Kate sat in the car for a good ten minutes listening to the sound of the rain as it pelted the ground. The sky hadn't been dark and dreary when she had set out for her father's but sometime between him letting her in the house and her departure, nature had decided to match her mood. She sighed heavily and then forced herself to pull the keys from the ignition and picked up her bag. She couldn't sit there all night; she had to go in so Castle could get home safely before the steady rain shower turned into something worse.

She took a breath and forced herself to shake off her feelings before she put her key in the lock and swung the door open. Castle and her mother were in the living room and they both watched her silently as she dropped her keys on the stand along with her bag and then kicked off her shoes.

"I take it that it didn't go well with your father," Johanna stated softly when she turned around to face them.

Kate looked at Castle and he quickly leapt to his own defense. "She figured it out on her own, I didn't tell her anything."

She flicked her gaze back towards her mother who nodded in agreement, "He's a bad liar."

She smiled lightly, her eyes moving back to Castle and said, "Yeah, he is sometimes."

"So, how did it go?" her mother prodded as Kate sat down on the sofa with Castle.

She ran a hand through her hair, "There's no getting through to him when he's in a mood like this," she answered, "It's like talking to a wall."

Johanna nodded, "I know," she said with a sigh, and Kate could see her deflating a little more and she wasn't sure what to do about it as she leaned back and rested her head on the back of the couch.

Home used to be a place of refuge but now it was filled with nervous energy and feelings of stress, anger, hurt, and worry, and in moments of silence you could feel those things pressing down on you, and it was unbearable. She couldn't stand it and she knew that it had to be even worse for her mother who was constantly locked in. They needed to get out. They needed to escape before they both crumbled beneath the strain.

"This is my weekend off," Kate announced as she looked to her mother, "We're getting out of here tomorrow. We need a break from this and we're going to take one."

"Where are we going?" Johanna asked.

"I don't care where we go as long as it's not here. I can't stand the thought of being cooped up here all weekend and I know you're probably getting tired of it too."

She smiled, "It would be nice to get out for awhile."

"Is that a good idea?" Castle asked, not wanting to put a damper on their plans but unable to keep from expressing his concern.

Kate turned her attention to him, "We'll be fine, I don't think we'll have any problems if we stick to the stores, they have security and cameras and we can get lost in the crowds, and I'll be discreetly armed."

"I wasn't trying to upset your plans," he explained.

"I know," she said, cutting him off before he could finish. "I know you worry, but we'll be fine. We need to get out of here though before we lose what's left of our minds."

He laughed, "It probably will make you both feel better to get out for awhile."

"How did things go here?" Kate asked, changing the subject.

"She wouldn't tell me any embarrassing childhood stories about you," he informed her.

Kate looked to Johanna, "That was smart of you."

"I have enough problems," she answered, "Why create more?"

"Your brain must be getting back on the right track," she told her mother.

"Maybe it was the brownies we had for breakfast," Johanna remarked.

She smiled and shifted her gaze to her partner, "Did you have a brownie, Castle?"

"I had two," he said happily.

They laughed and a clap of thunder sounded startling them from their conversation.

"I better go," he announced as he rose from his place.

"Yeah, you don't want to get caught in that," Kate agreed as she followed him to the door.

He said goodbye to Johanna and then Kate followed him out into the hallway, closing the door behind them.

"You okay?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I said most of what I wanted but he just wasn't listening so I gave up. It seemed pointless."

"He has to work it out for himself," Castle said.

"I guess he does," she replied with a sigh, "Thanks for staying with her."

"No problem," he replied, "But if you really want to thank me, you could pay your bill."

She smirked at him, "That bill is due already, is it?"

He grinned, "I thought you might want to pay now before it starts incurring interest."

She laughed lightly and then took hold of his shirt and pulled him towards her and kissed him.

When it was over he smiled that boyish grin and said, "I should've waited and allowed the interest to build up, it would've prolonged the payments."

"That's what happens when you're impatient, Castle," she told him with a teasing grin.

He shrugged, "But I still win either way."

She shook her head at him and told him goodbye and then stood there and watched him go. Her father had jabbed that soft spot again, and while she wasn't ready to confess her lie to Castle just yet, she wanted to give him _something _to show him her feelings. Finally she turned the doorknob and went back inside to find her mother sitting sideways on the sofa watching the rain fall outside the window. She could see the clouds of an internal storm brewing across her features and in response to that she trudged into the kitchen and fetched them each a brownie.

Johanna accepted the brownie from Kate's hand and then turned her attention back to the storm brewing outside the window.

Kate sat down on the other end of the sofa, turning herself to face her mother.

"Do you think it's over?" her mother asked quietly.

Kate looked at her in puzzlement, "Is what over?" she asked

Johanna wasn't sure if she should say what was on her mind, wasn't sure that Kate was willing to be her confidant but she didn't have anyone else and she needed to let these feelings out to keep her from sinking too far into depression.

"Between me and your father…do you think it's over?"

Kate was caught off guard by the question and she stared at her oddly for a moment before shaking off her surprise at the question.

"He didn't say that he doesn't love you."

"He didn't say that he still does love me, either," she remarked.

Kate rolled her eyes, "You can't be serious. He's always loved you, he never stopped."

"That doesn't mean it can't be over," Johanna commented.

"Has it ever been over?" Kate asked, "I mean before this prolonged 'separation'? It's not like the two of you were a couple that fought constantly and broke up every week, you had a good marriage…,didn't you?"

"I like to think so," Johanna answered, "But that doesn't mean that I never worried that something would end it."

Kate couldn't believe that she was hearing this, "Why would you worry about something like that?"

Her mother smiled, "Kate, in your mind you see me as only your mother; you forget that I'm like every other woman out there. I have my worries, doubts and insecurities."

"So what are you saying?" she asked her, "You worried that Dad would leave you?"

She nodded, "Once in awhile."

"But why?"

Johanna laughed softly, "Because that's how our minds are wired, Katie. I'm sure you've been there yourself."

"Yeah," she admitted, "But I know I have those problems, I'm not you, I never once recall you acting insecure about anything."

"That's because I never let you see it," Johanna told her, "But that doesn't mean it wasn't there."

"But…," Kate started to say and then trailed off as she tried to understand how her mother could've ever felt that way in her marriage, "You were happy, Dad was crazy about you, how could there be insecurity?"

"Because I'm a woman," Johanna stated again before taking a bite of her brownie. "Do you really think I never worried that he might get tired of me or want someone new? Someone younger or prettier? Do you think I never worried that he might stop loving me one day? That maybe he'd wake up and realize I wasn't what he wanted after all?"

"No," she answered quietly, "I guess I never thought that you would have those feelings."

"Well I did, and I still do," she told her, "I was worried when we were just friends; I was worried while I dated him, and I worried at various stages of my marriage, I'm worried now."

Kate sighed, "Well, I'd tell you not to worry, but you're going to anyway, I don't know if it's over. The only person that can answer that question for you is Dad."

She nodded, her gaze straying back to the window, "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Do you really think he'd give up on you so easily?" Kate asked as she polished off her brownie.

"He'd have plenty of reasons too;" her mother answered, "And I guess I couldn't blame him if he did."

"What if it is over?" Kate questioned, "What then?"

Her throat went dry and her stomach twisted as she thought about that scenario "What do you mean 'what then?" Johanna asked.

"What would you do if he said it was over?" she asked her.

The first thought that came to mind was that she'd die if Jim told her they were done for good.

"I don't know," she answered.

"Would you go back to Wyoming?"

Johanna took a breath, "I guess that would depend on you."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you're all I have," she answered as she felt the sting of tears, "Even if I don't have Jim, I still have you and I'd want to be here with you, I've missed out on enough of your life and I wouldn't want to miss out on more; but ultimately that decision would be yours."

"You have siblings," Kate stated.

"They aren't going to want anything to do with me," she replied, "And honestly they wouldn't be enough to keep me here if I don't have at least one of you."

"So if Dad said it was done, and this case was over, it would be up to me?"

She nodded and then smiled sadly, "Don't worry; I'll understand when you send me back."

"I thought you were going to work on not being a doormat," Kate stated.

She sighed, "I'm trying. I found the box and I got the lid off."

Kate smiled slightly, remembering her analogy from the morning, "And did you find Johanna inside?"

Her mother nodded, "She's pretty dusty, and she needs a new pair of shoes."

"Why is that?"

"I always felt better about being in the game if I had the right pair of heels on."

Kate smiled, she could relate to that. "Then I guess we better get you a new pair tomorrow."

Johanna looked at her and smiled, "I'm looking forward to it."

"No 4 a.m. baking tonight," Kate told her, "Get some sleep, see if you can get rid of what's left of that headache so you can try and have a nice time tomorrow."

"I'll try," she replied.

Silence fell between them as they each turned their attention to the storm brewing outside the window, but Kate felt a little lighter now that she had a plan and a means of escaping the oppression for a day.

* * *

The next morning, she laid a hand on her mother's wrist, stopping her before she could get out of the car.

"Look," Kate said, "The point of this day is for us to have a break, but we still have to be careful."

"I know," Johanna told her.

"Do you remember when I was a kid, that rule you had about distance between us in a store?" Kate asked her.

"Yes," she replied, "I believe I always told you that if I couldn't turn my head and see you, or talk to you in a normal tone of voice, then you were too far away from me."

Kate nodded, "Right, and not to treat you like a child but that rule now applies to you."

"I understand," her mother replied.

"Okay, let's go."

It was strange to be shopping with her mother; it felt like some odd throwback to a previous life, and it seemed as though both of them were feeling it as there wasn't much conversation between them. Kate found a few pieces of clothing that she wanted, but she mainly watched Johanna, who seemed to be on some sort of mission in regards to her wardrobe. Each store they went into found her with an armload of new clothes, as if she felt they would make her into the person she needed to be. By the third store Kate couldn't help but ask about how she was paying for all of it.

"Can you afford all of this?" Kate asked as she looked at the collection Johanna was amassing.

Her mother looked at her, "Of course I can afford it," she answered; "I have a job, I have savings and a wallet full of credit cards I hardly use."

Kate looked at the price tags on some of the items her mother had selected, "Are they paying well in Wyoming?"

"I teach at a college, Kate, I make more than public school teachers, and besides once my bills are paid I don't have anyone to spend my money on, so it's added up over the years."

"You have yourself to buy things for," she told her as she began to shift awkwardly, wondering why she had even broached this topic in the first place.

"It never felt right to splurge on myself," she answered quietly.

"Why not?"

Johanna shrugged, "It just didn't," she replied as she thought of the money in her bank account, and the locked box in her bedroom that held the letters addressed to her husband and daughter and the will she had made several years before leaving everything she had to Kate and any children that she might have.

"I'm sorry," Kate said as she saw her mother retreating into her thoughts, "I shouldn't have said anything."

She shook her head, "It's alright; I didn't mean to make you feel as though you had stepped on my toes."

Kate sighed and she was grateful that no one was lingering by the racks that they were looking through. "This is just…awkward."

Johanna gave her a small smile, "It is, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I hadn't thought about it being this way," Kate admitted.

"Listen," Johanna said softly, "We both know that we have…" she trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it.

"Issues?" Kate suggested.

"Yes," she agreed, "We have more issues than Dr. Phil could ever hope to solve in one whole season of his talk show."

Kate laughed lightly, "What's your point?"

Her mother smiled, "I guess my point is that we're both aware of it, and we both know where each other stands, but I think your goal for today is for us to have a 'break' and to relax a little."

She nodded, "That was my intention."

"Then maybe we can make a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"Maybe for today, we could just put all of that on the backburner and try to enjoy ourselves like you want, and like I want."

Kate thought it over for a moment, "So it's like we admit we have a problem, we accept it, and we agree to ignore it for the day."

Johanna nodded, "Pretty much; I'm willing to give it a try if you are…it might make some of the awkwardness go away, because lets face it, we can't relax if we're not comfortable with each other."

"And to be comfortable, we have to avoid certain things," Kate stated, "Like the case, and Wyoming."

"Yes."

"Deal," Kate told her, "I've been told that I'm very good at not talking about things."

Her mother smiled, "Me too."

"Really?" she asked, "Did Dad tell you that too?"

"Not really," she answered, although she thought briefly of that bout of depression a few weeks before when he had tried to pry her thoughts out of her. "I was thinking more of something that falls in one of those categories we just agreed not to discuss."

Kate thought about that for a moment and drew the conclusion that someone in Wyoming had obviously tried and failed at getting her mother to open up about herself.

"Then we'll change the subject," Kate told her as she turned her attention back to the rack of clothes and began to look through it.

"Here, Kate," Johanna said as she pulled a light blue leather jacket from the rack, "I don't think you have this color in your collection."

"What do you mean my collection?" she asked as she accepted the jacket and looked it over.

"I have yet to see you in the same jacket twice," her mother commented, "And the other day I got curious and opened up the hall closet just to see how many different coats and jackets you have. It looks like Macy's has a store room in your apartment."

Kate smirked at her, "Funny."

Johanna chuckled, "It's a nice collection."

"See anything you liked?" she asked her.

"Yes," her mother told her, "I may have even tried on one or two."

Kate looked at her, "Is that what you do while I'm at work? Try on my clothes?"

"Just your jackets," she told her, "Your jeans are too small."

"Peeking at the sizes?" she asked her.

She shook her head, "No need to peek, I can tell by looking at them. I know I'm a few sizes bigger than you."

"Not that much bigger," Kate told her as she looked her mother over.

"But still not your size," she replied, "Are you going to get that?" she asked as she gestured to the jacket.

She liked it, and her mother was right, she didn't have that color in her 'collection'.

"Hold my stuff so I can try it on," she said, handing her purse and the few tops she had picked out to her mother. She pulled on the jacket and moved around in it to get a feel for it. "What do you think?" she asked Johanna.

"I like it, it looks good on you, and it's on sale," she replied as she looked at the tag.

"Well we've never been known to pass up a sale item," Kate said as she took the jacket off and put it back on the hanger before taking her belongings back from Johanna and adding it to the things she had chosen.

Johanna smiled, "I taught you that at an early age."

"I remember," she said, "Where to next?"

"Shoes."

"We can't forget those shoes," Kate answered as she turned in the direction of the shoe department.

"You have a nice collection of shoes, yourself," her mother remarked.

"You've been trying on my shoes too?"

Johanna shrugged, "Just one pair that you left laying on the living room floor. I wanted to see how I'd feel in 4 inch heels instead of 3."

Kate laughed, "What did you think?"

"I liked it, but I think I may be too old to adjust to a new height, I better stick to 3 inches…3 and a half if it's a pair I can't live without."

Kate laughed, "Yeah, you better not get too carried away; we can't have you breaking a hip in 4 inch heels."

Her mother glared at her but there was a playful smile on her lips, "Watch it, Katherine."

They browsed the racks of shoes, pointing out certain styles and colors to each other before Johanna's gaze caught on a pair of heels that seemed to be what she was looking for. She smiled as she lifted one from the box and ran her fingers over the black leather.

"What do you think, Katie? Am I getting too old for the open toe look?"

Kate looked the shoe over, "I'd hate to think that I'd be too old for it at your age, besides, that's your favorite kind."

"They're nice," Johanna commented as she continued to examine them.

"Try them on," she told her as she took Johanna's pile of items from her arms.

She kicked off the heels she was wearing and slipped on the black ones and walked a few steps in them and smiled.

"What do you think?" she asked Kate.

"I think they're you."

"Me too."

"Great, you've got your shoes, now you just have to shake off the dust."

Johanna laughed softly and then put the shoes back in the box before putting her own back on, "I think I can do it."

"Me too," Kate told her, and she meant it.

They paid for their stuff and carried their bags to the car, where Kate shoved them into the trunk.

"Wait," Johanna said, stopping her from closing the trunk.

"What?"

"I want my shoes."

She looked at her as if she were crazy, "Now?"

"Yes," Johanna said as she fished the box out of one of the bags.

"You're going to change your shoes in the parking lot?"

"No, I'm going to change them in the car while you drive us to our next shopping destination."

"Which is?"

Johanna grinned, "Macy's."

"You mean 'the real happiest place on earth' as you dubbed it?" Kate asked with a smile.

"Of course. Macy's and I have been parted for far too long."

"They have a website."

"It's not the same," her mother told her as she got into the car.

Kate nodded as she slid into the driver's seat, "You want the complete shopping experience."

"Exactly," Johanna replied, "I like rooting for the sale items; I like the thrill of getting the last item on the rack, I like finding an unexpected bargain."

"Dad called that being a shopaholic."

"I've been called worse…especially by his mother."

Kate laughed, "Good ole grandma Beckett."

"Yeah, she was a ray of sunshine, wasn't she?"

"I don't know how Grandpa put up with her," Kate said as Johanna changed into her new shoes.

"The man had the patience of a saint."

"I miss him," Kate said quietly.

"So do I."

They were quiet for the rest of the ride to Macy's and once they arrived Kate couldn't help but laugh at the gleam in her mother's eye.

"You look like a little girl who just got a surprise trip to the candy store," she told her.

"Macy's is even better than the candy store," Johanna replied.

They went in the store and Kate allowed her mother to take her time and enjoy herself in the place that had always made her happy. As they were browsing at some of the racks Kate caught sight of a familiar person heading towards the jewelry counter.

"Damn," Kate muttered as she recognized the wife of her father's best friend.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"Jeff's wife is here," she whispered.

"Jim's best friend?"

Kate nodded. "He remarried?" Johanna asked, as the last time she had saw Jeff he had been recently divorced.

"Yeah, about two years ago. Dad made me go to the wedding with him."

"Who is she?" Johanna questioned as she craned her neck to see who Kate was looking at.

Kate nodded in the direction of an auburn haired woman at the jewelry counter, who for the moment was looking away from them.

"What's her name?"

"Melanie."

Johanna's gaze snapped back to Kate's and her eyes flickered with something that she couldn't name, "Melanie?" she hissed.

Kate nodded, confused by her mother's reaction until she remembered that she had mentioned someone named Melanie, who had been her competition in regards to her father.

"Melanie who?" she demanded to know.

"I don't remember her last name," Kate answered, "Dad said she'd been married several times."

"Oh my god," her mother said.

"Do you think it's the Melanie that you still haven't told me about?" Kate asked.

"If it is, and I have a feeling that it is, then Jeff must've lost his mind."

"Dad said that too," she remarked before going quiet for a second. "She knew you," Kate said as she remembered the wedding and the moment she had been introduced to the bride. "She looked me up and down and said 'You're definitely Johanna's daughter' and she said it real snotty too. I asked dad what it was all about and he told me it was nothing and changed the subject."

Johanna nodded as she bit her lip, "She always was a bitch."

Kate couldn't help but laugh, "Don't hold back; tell me how you really feel about her."

"I hate her," Johanna declared, "Always have and she's always hated me."

"Why?"

"She wanted Jim, probably still does," she answered, "Although I've never really bought his story that she didn't _have _him."

"Too much information," Kate stated.

"Well," her mother said with a state of agitation that Kate couldn't help but find amusing. "He chased after her just like all of the rest of them. I think he did it just to me annoy me half the time, but there wasn't much I could say about it, we weren't together then."

"But you already loved him, right?"

She nodded, "Sometimes I wonder how I could've been so stupid. I was always sitting there waiting for him to come back."

"He really went out with her?" Kate asked for clarification.

"Yes!"

"Seriously?"

Johanna looked at her, "There wasn't a man in the entire law firm that she didn't have a go around with."

Kate laughed; she couldn't believe her mother was saying these things. "I can't believe Dad went out with someone like that."

"She always had some kind of catty remark to make to me," Johanna stated, "And one day she cornered me in the bathroom at a nightclub and told me that I wasn't his type and that I should go find someone boring like me and let him have a real woman."

"Did you punch her for that one?" Kate asked as her mouth dropped in surprise.

"Sharon jumped in between us just as I was about to let her have it."

"Damn, friends are supposed to provide back up, not get in the way."

"She said she didn't feel like going to jail with me that night. Personally I would've been fine with a night in jail if it meant I got to knock her teeth out."

"Oh my god," Kate said with a laugh, "I've never really seen this side of you before."

"It's not pretty, is it?" Johanna remarked with a sheepish grin.

"Actually, I find it refreshing," she answered, as seeing her mother with these feelings made her feel better about her own feelings of jealousy.

"She was sure she'd end up with Jim."

"I bet it pissed her off when she didn't."

Johanna's eyes sparkled with glee, "You have no idea."

"Where was this side of you the other day when you needed it?" Kate asked her.

Her mother shrugged, "I guess I needed help finding it," she remarked as she looked her in the eye, letting her know that it was her words that caused her to dig deep within herself to find the woman she had always been.

"We better get out of this area before she comes this way," Kate commented, "If she sees me, she'll stop to talk."

"I want to hear what she has to say," Johanna told her as she shook her head no.

"She can't see you," Kate told her, "We'd have to explain things and she'd tell everyone, I've heard that she can't keep her mouth shut."

"Yeah, I heard that too but it didn't have anything to do with talking."

Kate looked at her wide eyed, "Did you really just say that?"

Johanna laughed, "I'm not the one that started the rumor; I just heard it."

"Maybe it was a bad idea to let you out of the apartment."

"No, it wasn't. I'm starting to have a good time now."

"Let's go somewhere else."

"No, come on, I'll stay hidden, let her see you."

Kate rolled her eyes and then cast another glance at Melanie who looked to be about ready to leave the jewelry counter.

"Fine," she said, "You stay behind me at this rack and keep your back turned," she instructed as she shifted in front of her, her own back towards her mothers, but the space was small enough that they could easily nudge each other if something was wrong. She pretended to look at something on the display in front of her as Melanie came by and caught sight of her. They made their initial greeting and then Melanie feel into the routine she always had whenever her path crossed with Kate's.

Her eyes raked over her from head to toe and she smirked as she wrinkled her nose in mild distaste.

"I can never get over how much you look like your mother," she said, and it was obvious from the tone of her voice that she didn't mean it as a compliment.

Kate smiled, "I was fortunate where genetics are concerned," she told her, making sure the woman knew that she didn't find sharing Johanna's features distasteful. "I didn't realize that you were 'friends' with my mother, I don't recall her ever mentioning you."

She could hear Johanna scoffing lightly at the term of 'friends' and she discreetly swung her foot backwards so her heel would hit against her mothers in a subtle message to control herself. Johanna returned the tap and she knew that she had understood.

Melanie smiled falsely, "I wouldn't exactly say we were friends," she replied, "More like acquaintances. I was actually more of a friend to your father."

"Really?" Kate said, a fake lightness in her tone, "I don't recall him ever mentioning you either, that is until Jeff was getting married but even then he didn't say much about you."

She felt a tap against her heel and took it as a silent thank you.

Melanie laughed, "Oh I'm sure he mentioned me sometime, you probably just don't remember," she said, "We were very good friends back in the day, before he was married to your mother."

She had a feeling that Johanna's blood had started to boil at that remark.

"So you worked at the same firm as all of them back then," Kate stated.

"Oh yes," Melanie replied, "Those were good times between most of us."

"You mean my mother wasn't apart of those good times?" Kate asked.

The woman smiled, "Well she wasn't like me, dear. You see I was fun and popular and your mother was sort of plain and at times had the habit of being so very serious. People just aren't attracted to that sort of thing, you know…it's probably something you should watch out for," she told her, "With your line of work and everything…you are still unmarried, aren't you?"

Kate narrowed her eyes as she smiled, sensing her mother's anger building without even having to look, "Yes, I am, but I'm not worried. I'm fine with waiting for someone who will appreciate me as I am, just as my father appreciated my mother for what she was, and I've heard her described in many ways but never as plain or lacking in the ability to have fun. In fact I've heard her described as the exact opposite, and apparently my father found plenty of things about her that were attractive, as he obviously realized that he wanted a woman with class."

There was a tap against her heel and she returned it as she watched Melanie's composure slip for a moment.

"Apparently so," she sniffed before laughing lightly, "Although I must say, I never could understand it; Johanna just never seemed like his type."

"I guess you were wrong," Kate told her as she heard the sharp sound of hangers being slid down the rack with more force than necessary, which led her to bump her mother's heel once again.

"I suppose I was," she said with disdain as her eyes scanned Kate's features once again. "How is Jim?"

"He's fine," she answered.

"Oh, good," Melanie said, her sugary sweet tone returning, "I do worry about him being alone like he is."

Kate had the feeling that her mother was on the verge of a stroke, and they traded another tap with their shoes.

"He's not alone," she answered, "He has me, and family and friends. He keeps busy; you should know that, he and Jeff spend a great deal of time together, playing golf, going to games, fishing, you know all those things men do."

"Well of course," she replied, "But if I'm not with them, Jeff doesn't offer much in the way of details about their conversations."

Kate smirked, knowing that Jeff's wife was never apart of those outings. "You don't have to worry, my father is just fine, I make sure of that."

"Is he seeing someone?" Melanie asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, Jeff did mention that Jim seemed somewhat secretive lately. We thought that maybe he had finally decided to move on," she said with a laugh, "He has, after all, been mourning your mother for an abnormally long time."

The hangers squeaked on the rack again and Kate squashed the urge to reach out and connect her fist with Melanie's mouth.

"Last I heard there were no limitations on how long you can mourn someone, especially someone you've been in love with for half of your life."

"Now, Kate," Melanie said condescendingly, "He can't spend all of his life pining away for her, he needs to move on and find someone else. That's the way of life. You wouldn't want your father to be alone and miserable for the rest of his life just because you're sensitive about your mother's memory, do you?"

"How he spends his life is his business, not yours," Kate stated as she kept her heel pressed back against her mothers, "And of course I want him to be happy, I've never stood in his way of moving on, that's his choice. He loves my mother, he always will. That's what true love is, it doesn't end."

"I didn't mean anything by it," Melanie said, trying to play off her comments, "We just want what's best for him."

Jeff had been her father's best friend since college and she was sure that he did have her father's best interests at heart and they weren't the things that Melanie had in mind, and she realized that the woman standing in front of her thought that she was the obvious candidate to replace her mother in his life despite the fact that she was married.

"He's not seeing anyone," Kate stated as she was obviously still fishing for the answer to that question.

"He probably wouldn't tell you if he was," she stated, "You probably wouldn't react well to it."

Kate smiled, "I probably wouldn't."

Melanie smirked and glanced at her watch, "Well I better get going; I have so many things to do. It was nice seeing you."

"You too," Kate lied as she smiled at her.

"Tell Jim I said hello," Melanie told her, "Tell him I'll drop by one day and visit."

Kate nodded, "I'll tell him."

She watched Melanie walk away, and when she was far enough away she whispered, "Are you alright back there, or do I need to call a medic?"

"I hate her," was the answer she received.

"I can see why," Kate answered as she made sure Melanie was gone before turning towards her mother.

"I have no right to ask you for a favor, Kate, but just promise me one thing," Johanna said as she looked her in the eye.

"What?"

"If you ever go into that house and find her there with your father, promise me that you'll pick up the nearest heavy object and bash her in the head with it."

Kate couldn't help but laugh, "What about Dad?"

She smiled, "Save him for me."

They were quiet for a moment as they looked through the rack.

"You don't know how badly I wanted to turn around," Johanna said quietly.

"She probably would've dropped dead."

"Now I really feel bad about not turning around," her mother said, a mischievous grin on her face as Kate gasped.

"Just think, if things don't work out that could be your step-mother one day."

"When hell freezes over," Kate told her, "I'll bury her in the backyard and have him committed."

Johanna laughed, "Call if you need help with the shoveling, I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty."

Kate shook her head, "There's something very wrong with this conversation."

Her mother shrugged, "Hey, if he doesn't want me, that's one thing, but I'll be damned if Melanie Thompson is going to be my replacement."

"Is this your dark side coming out?" Kate asked her.

"She always brought out the worst in me."

"It's like the law firm addition of 'Mean Girls'," Kate remarked.

Johanna laughed, "Just tell me one thing."

"What?"

"You got a good look at her face, is she aging badly?"

Kate thought over Melanie's appearance, her obvious use of Botox and the change in her features since the last time she had saw her, which suggested that she'd had some work done, and it wasn't good.

"Honestly, she looks like she got a hold of a bad plastic surgeon."

"Really?" her mother asked gleefully.

Kate nodded, "It isn't pretty."

"So I'm aging better than she is?"

"Yes, you look good, and she doesn't," she told her, and she meant it, Johanna was aging gracefully and in her opinion didn't look like she was 61.

Johanna smiled widely, "There really is justice in the world."

Without any thought she fell into the old habit of nudging her mother playfully, "You better stop it," she told her with a laugh.

"Why?" her mother asked with amusement, "It's fun to be bad."

"Then why is it that I was always grounded when I was bad?"

Johanna grinned, "You have to be at the right age to have the 'bad' kind of fun."

"Sounds like a double standard to me," Kate stated.

"That's the fun part of being the mother," Johanna told her, "I could do all the things I told you not to."

"That's not fair."

"It'll even out one day," she assured her, "You'll have a child of your own and you can tell her not to do things and then go out and do them yourself."

"Or it could be evening out now," Kate replied, "After all I have the power here and you don't. For now I get to tell you what you can and can not do."

Her mother assessed her through slightly narrowed eyes but the smile remained on her face "I had a feeling that you were enjoying being the boss of me."

Kate smiled, "You have no idea."

"Well look who's here," a voice from behind them said, startling both of them and causing them to turn suddenly.

"Martha," Kate said, her heart returning to a normal rhythm.

"Sorry, darling, I didn't mean to startle you," she replied as she greeted Johanna.

"I told her not to sneak up behind you," Alexis commented, drawing Kate's attention to her.

"That's okay," she answered, "I'm better now."

"If we had known that we all had the same plans," Martha stated, "We could've all came together."

"Castle knew we were going out today, didn't he tell you?" Kate asked.

"No," Martha and Alexis both said at the same time, "But now that we've run into each other, there's no reason why we can't all continue on together," Martha added.

"That's fine with me," Kate answered as she looked to Johanna.

"It's fine with me too."

As they made their way through the store Martha pulled Kate aside while Johanna conversed with Alexis about a dress she was looking at.

"Things seem to be going well between you and your mother today," she commented quietly.

She nodded, "It was awkward at first but we made a deal to let it go for the day and we've seemed to do alright with that."

"Good," Martha said, "I'm sure you can both use the break."

That was an understatement, Kate thought to herself.

They finished up their trip to Macy's and then Kate and Johanna followed Martha and Alexis to a few more stores before joining them for something to eat.

As they sat around the table after their meal, Martha grinned mischievously. "I have a wonderful idea," she declared.

"What?" Kate and Johanna both asked.

"Richard is having Detectives Ryan and Esposito over this evening for poker night. I say we all go back to the loft and be there to crash the party, make them deal us in."

Kate laughed, "Sounds good to me, how about you?" she asked her mother.

Johanna smiled and nodded, "Sounds like fun."

"Do you know how to play?" Alexis asked her.

"A little," Johanna replied.

Kate scoffed, "A little?"

"Don't spoil the fun, Katie," Johanna told her with a wink "Besides it's been awhile, I may have lost my touch."

Martha smiled, "This should be interesting."

"Very," Kate replied.

"Maybe she can beat Dad," Alexis said with a smile.

Kate laughed, "Now that's something I wouldn't want to miss."

* * *

They returned to the loft and when it was time for the game, Kate, Johanna, and Martha sat down at the table and demanded to be included.

Kate watched her mother as she settled into the old tactics that she had been taught about the game. She didn't bring too much attention to herself, didn't allow herself to show any capabilities towards winning, although Kate had peeked at her cards and knew she could've won a hand or two. It was fascinating to watch her, as she sometimes had while growing up, and it was odd in some ways, to watch her break free off the darkness that had been surrounding them. Each hour of the day that had gone by she had saw more and more of her mother's true personality slipping out, and a part of her emotions was in a tail spin about it.

She shook those thoughts off, however, as she folded, and the others followed suit, leaving only her mother and Castle with their cards still in their hands. Kate smiled as she watched the sly look cross her mother's features. Johanna had obviously chosen her target and the showdown was about to begin.

Castle smiled at Johanna, "You should go ahead and lay your cards down," he told her, "You don't stand a chance."

She smiled, "I think I'll stay in the game."

He laughed, "Trust me, you should just go ahead and give up like the rest of them," he said as he gestured around the table.

"I don't think so," she replied as she slid half of her chips forward, "I think I'll see it through until the end."

Kate leaned back in her chair and watched the scene unfold.

"Were not baking brownies here, Johanna," Castle told her, "You're in my territory now."

Johanna laughed, "Is that supposed to make me tremble with fear?"

Castle looked to Kate, "Is she making fun of me?"

She grinned, "Yeah."

"That's not nice," he told Johanna, "I'm being kind and offering you advice to keep you from losing all of your money."

She shrugged, "I was kind and gave you brownies yesterday."

"And they were great, which is why I'm offering you the chance to get out of this without losing all your money."

"Brownies?" Esposito said, "You have brownies?"

Johanna nodded, "With peanut butter icing."

"Homemade," Kate threw in.

Esposito looked at Ryan, "I didn't get any brownies, did you."

"No," he answered, "I think we're getting ripped off."

"I didn't have any brownies the last time I saw the two of you," Johanna said.

"That's no excuse," Esposito told her, "You could've wrapped some up and sent them to work with Beckett."

"Yeah," Ryan said, "That's not fair."

"I'm sorry," she said as she glanced at them, "I didn't realize that you were being deprived of brownies, don't you have wives?"

"I do," Ryan said, "But she doesn't make brownies."

"What about you?" Johanna asked Esposito.

"Nope, and apparently I can't even depend on the mother's of my friends."

"It won't happen again," she assured them.

"We still have some," Kate said, jumping into the conversation.

"What good does that do us now?" Ryan asked, "Unless you brought them with you."

"Sorry guys, we didn't bring them," Kate answered.

"I see how it is," Esposito said, "Castle gets the special treatment and we get nothing, it doesn't matter that we had her daughter's back before writer boy came along."

Johanna laughed, "I am so very sorry. It will never happen again."

"That still doesn't provide us with brownies," Ryan told her, "Which still makes it seem like you're playing favorites."

"Yeah," Esposito agreed, "We see what's going on here."

"I am not playing favorites, if you want brownies then come over and get one," Johanna told them, "But you better make it tomorrow, they seem to be going fast."

Ryan looked at his partner, "How much you wanna bet we go over there tomorrow and there's no brownies."

Espo nodded, "That would be our luck."

Johanna looked to Kate, "Are they always like this?"

She nodded, "Worse sometimes."

"I promise, you'll each get a brownie," Johanna stated.

"I had two brownies," Castle said with a grin in his friend's direction.

They looked to Johanna, "So much for not playing favorites."

"I'll make more."

"Are you going to give up gracefully?" Castle asked as he gestured towards her cards.

"You're awful set on wanting me to give up, Rick. Are you worried I might be able to beat you?"

He scoffed, "That is the least of my worries."

"You want to put your money where your mouth is, hot shot?" Johanna asked; her brow raised in challenge, a competitive smile gracing her lips.

Castle studied her with an assessing gaze, "Oh, you want to play that way, do you?" he asked.

She laughed, "My father-in-law always said that if you were going to play the game, you may as well talk the talk."

Castle laughed, "But he probably never figured you'd be playing in the big leagues."

The entire table scoffed and Johanna laughed, "Honey, I was playing in the big leagues before you even knew how to spell your name."

Kate laughed at the look on Castle's face as he turned to her.

"Is she trash talking me?"

She nodded, "I think she is."

"I was just trying to be nice," he remarked to Johanna, "Give you a chance to bow out gracefully, I'm a gentleman, it's not nice to take money from a woman, especially when she's my elder."

The whole table reacted with oh's and Johanna, the smile still lingering on her lips, narrowed her eyes at him.

"Let's be serious here, Rick," she stated, "My age has nothing to do with it, you're just afraid I'll beat you in front of Kate."

Kate laughed again as she glanced at her partner, who was regarding her mother with a smirk.

"Kate has nothing to do with it," he replied, "I'm not going to lose."

"And besides,' Ryan commented, "He's embarrassed himself in far worse ways in front of her."

"That's true," Kate stated as Castle looked across the table at Ryan.

"Thanks, Ryan, for reminding me of those occasions," he told him.

"Come on, you may as well admit it," Johanna teased, "You don't want to lose in front of her, especially to her mother. That would have to be a serious blow to your ego."

Castle scoffed, "Please, I am unbeatable. You don't stand a chance."

"Try me," she told him.

He laughed and looked at her, "It's cute how you're so sure that you're going to win."

"It's cute how you're stalling because you know you're going to lose," she replied.

"Tell you're mother I'm not going to lose," Castle said to Kate.

"I'm not telling her any such thing," she replied as her gaze flicked between them.

"I say we take bets," Esposito announced, "I'll put ten on Mama Beckett to take you down, Castle."

"It's your ten bucks if you want to lose it," he told his friend.

"I'll put ten on Johanna," Martha announced, raising her wine glass in the direction of her new friend.

Castle looked at Johanna, "See what you've done, you've turned my own mother against me."

"I've done no such thing," she answered with a laugh.

"That's right," Martha commented, "We mothers have to stick together."

"I'll put ten on Castle," Ryan announced.

"Finally, someone who knows a winner when he sees one," Castle remarked.

"How about you, Beckett?" Esposito asked, "Who are you betting on?"

"I think I better stay out of this one," she remarked as a smile played across her lips.

"You can't do that," Castle stated, "You have to place your bet for me."

"No, I don't," she answered.

"Yes, you do."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because, I'm you're partner."

"She's my mother."

"You're my muse."

"I'm her only child."

"I'm the cream in your coffee," he stated, an almost serious expression on his face.

Kate burst into laughter, "Who told you that?"

"You do," he answered, "Every time you drink the coffee I bring you."

She nodded, "Okay, but she used to give me cash on a weekly basis."

He shrugged, "So she gave you an allowance, that's no reason to be a traitor, I've saved your life a time or two…or nine."

"I gave her life," Johanna commented, "22 hours of labor was no small feat."

Kate shifted her gaze to Castle, "I don't think you can beat that."

"But you're the cheese to my macaroni," he stated as he looked at her with those mischievous blue eyes of his.

Martha nearly choked on her wine and Johanna almost dropped her cards as she burst into laughter.

"Great," Esposito stated, "Now I can never eat macaroni and cheese again."

Kate was looking at him in stunned silence, the laughter bubbling up in her throat and then exploding and mingling with her mothers.

"How the hell did you even come up with that one?" she asked.

"It's a gift," he replied, "My natural born talent on display for your pleasure."

Johanna could hardly catch her breath as she looked at her daughter but she managed to speak. "I never once thought you'd grow up to be the cheese to someone's macaroni."

"Me either," Kate replied.

"Who's it going to be, Beckett?" Ryan asked.

"I'm staying out of it," she commented.

Castle smiled at Johanna, "She doesn't want to hurt your feelings by betting on the winner."

She grinned, "Maybe it's your feelings she's trying to spare."

He scoffed, "Please, even she can't beat me."

"I can beat you," Kate stated.

Castle laughed, "You've tried and failed; I am the winner here."

"I beat you that one time," she reminded him.

"Doesn't count," he remarked, "You threw the hand."

Kate glared at him, "I can beat you anytime I want."

He patted her hand, "You tell yourself that, while I beat your mother. The apple can't fall far from the tree after all."

Kate regarded him with narrowed eyes and a sly smile spreading across her lips as she reached into her pocket and pulled out some money.

"Fifty," she stated.

"Fifty!" Esposito and Ryan exclaimed before she could even say for whom her bet was for.

She nodded, "Fifty, on the apple tree."

"Traitor," Castle gasped.

Johanna laughed, "This just keeps getting better, you're the cheese to macaroni and I'm the apple tree."

Kate glanced at her, "Kick his ass."

Her mother locked eyes with her and smiled, "Oh, I intend too."

Castle sized up his opponent, "Alright, Johanna, you want to play with the master, than the master shall teach you," he said as he pushed all of his chips into the center of the table.

Johanna looked to Kate, "He really thinks he's something, doesn't he?"

She nodded, "Teach him a lesson."

"Yeah," Esposito agreed, "Take him down, make him cry."

Johanna slid the rest of her chips forward as well, "Alright Mr. Bestselling Author, let's see what you have."

He laid his cards down on the table with a wide grin, "Full house."

She smiled, "That's good."

"Yes, it is," he gloated.

"Very good," she commented.

"And it's not even one of my better nights," he stated.

Johanna held his gaze, "It's good, Rick…but not quite good enough," she said as she laid her cards down, "A royal flush, in honor of the master," she remarked as a wide smile broke across her face and Kate clapped her hands in glee.

"Yes!" Esposito exclaimed.

Castle was stunned as he looked between Johanna and her cards, "I can't believe this."

"Looks like you're not the master anymore, Castle," Kate told him.

"There is something very wrong in the universe tonight," he stated as Kate pushed all the chips towards her mother.

"So much for the big leagues, huh, Rick," Johanna said with a smile before raising her wine glass and taking a long sip.

"Rematch," he replied, "Just me and you," he said as he gathered up the cards and began to shuffle.

"Alright," she answered, "If you insist on being humiliated again."

"Double or nothing," Castle declared.

Kate looked at her mother and laughed as her eyes sparkled merrily, "Bring it on," she told him.

He moved to shuffle the cards but Johanna stopped him, "Give those to someone else," she told him.

"You don't trust me?" he asked.

"Not when it comes to double or nothing."

"I'm not letting you shuffle," he told her, "You've obviously already worked some kind of voodoo on the last game."

"Give them to Katie."

"No way," he replied, "She's on your side; you're probably in on it together, running some kind of mother-daughter poker con."

"Hey," Kate stated, "You better watch it."

Johanna raised a brow, "Let your mother shuffle, you trust her, don't you?"

He regarded Martha carefully, "I don't know; can I trust you, mother, or have you gone over to the dark side of the Beckett universe?"

"I'm not answering that question," she remarked as she reached for the cards, "But I think I can be trusted to deal the cards."

Ten minutes later Johanna was smiling in victory and Castle was staring at the cards in shock.

"Darling," Martha said to Kate, "I think you may need to console the macaroni."

Kate laughed and patted Castle's hand, "Don't take it so hard, Castle. You're not the first one she's beat."

He regarded her with an assessing gaze, "You didn't tell me your mother was a card shark."

"You didn't ask," she replied with a laugh.

"Who taught you how to play Mrs. Beckett?" Ryan asked.

"My father-in-law," she answered as she stacked her chips, "He was the self proclaimed poker king of the tri-state area."

"Your father-in-law taught you how to play?" Martha asked as she refilled her glass and Johanna's.

"Yes; and my mother-in-law couldn't stand it whenever I was in on the game that he would have during holiday gatherings. I can still remember her looking down her nose at me saying 'It's so un-lady like, Johanna.' She wasn't much for having fun."

Kate laughed, "That reminds me of what she used to say to me."

"What was that?" Martha asked.

"Act like a proper little lady, Katie, or you'll grow up and act like your mother."

Johanna laughed, "I was so very proud that day you turned around and told her that you wanted to grow up to act like me."

"Yeah, she didn't like that too well."

"She didn't like anything too well."

"Are there any other hidden talents that you're not sharing with me about your mother?" Castle asked.

She shrugged, "She can dance pretty well."

"Is that right?" he asked Johanna.

"That's what I was told," she remarked nonchalantly.

"I've heard that she was known to dance a few nights away back in her partying days," Kate commented.

"Those were the days," Johanna said wistfully as she took a sip of wine.

"Do you still like a good party?" Martha asked her.

She nodded, "I like parties, but I haven't been to any in a long time."

"Well, when this is all over you and I will have to hit the town for a night."

Johanna grinned, "That sounds great, Martha."

"God help New York City," Castle said as he glanced at Kate, "Can you just imagine the two of them on the loose together."

Kate looked at them, "I anticipate phone calls."

"Do you think Jim will let you go?" Martha inquired.

Johanna laughed, "I don't need his permission."

Kate turned to her mother, "Congratulations, I think you've just found the rest of Johanna Beckett."

Her mother smiled, "I told you I was better at being in the game with the right pair of shoes."

"I'm confused," Castle stated.

"She's feeling better," Kate told him, "She has new shoes."

"Still confused."

"It's a girl thing, Castle."

They all lingered around the table for awhile longer and then the boys left and Johanna and Martha took their bottle of wine and retreated to the living room, leaving Castle and Kate to clean up.

Laughter rang out between the ladies at regular intervals as the wine bottle slowly emptied.

"I think my mother may have gotten yours tipsy," Castle whispered to Kate as they stood in the kitchen.

"I noticed," she replied as she nursed her own glass of wine.

"You should both stay here tonight," he told her casually.

"Why?"

He shrugged, "It's late, and you've been drinking too."

"I had a glass early in the evening and I've only been sipping at this one. I'm fine."

"Stay anyway; you don't want to have to deal with taking her home. We'll put her upstairs in the guest room."

"And where am I sleeping?"

He smiled, "I'm willing to share."

She looked at him with an assessing gaze, "You just want to have a sleepover."

"Who me?"

She laughed, "We didn't bring anything to stay over."

"We can find things for you."

Kate sighed, the idea of staying appealed to her and then she thought of their shopping bags in the trunk. "I'll get our bags out of the car, I'm sure we bought stuff we can use."

"Give me the keys, I'll go get the bags," he volunteered, happy that he seemed to have won.

"I'll break up the party in the living room."

"Good luck with that," he told her.

Once he was on his errand to retrieve their bags, Kate went into the living room and approached the women on the couch.

"Time to go?" Johanna asked as she caught sight of her.

"No, we're going to stay here tonight."

"Do they have room for us?" she asked.

Kate nodded, "You'll go upstairs in the guest room, and I'll take…"

"Don't insult our intelligence, darling," Martha interrupted, "You'll be sharing with Richard."

She must've looked stunned at the statement because they both burst into laughter.

"It's not like that," she stammered.

"Of course not," her mother replied with a teasing glint in her eye, "That 'more than friends' thing is hereditary."

Kate looked at her through slightly narrowed eyes and snatched her wine glass from her hand, "Okay, you've had enough cheering up for one day."

"It's alright, Kate," Martha told her, "We're all adults here; we don't care if you two share."

"Party's over for you too, Martha," she told her as she snatched her glass as well and set them aside. "The clock has struck midnight and the ball is over."

"I didn't realize we had a curfew," Johanna said.

"I'm the boss, remember," Kate reminded her.

"You're good at it."

"I learned from the best."

Johanna looked to Martha, "I don't know if that means she learned it from me or not."

"Guess you'll just have to think about it," Kate told her as Castle entered the loft.

"Did you two buy out every store in New York?" he asked.

"Almost," she answered as she held out a hand towards her mother to offer her assistance in getting up and then extended the same courtesy to Martha.

Castle waited for all of them to head towards the stairs so he could follow behind; as he waited he watched Kate and her reaction as her mother, obviously feeling bold thanks to the wine, slipped her arm around her waist. He saw an odd look flicker across her face as the gesture was realized, and then watched with anticipation as she hesitated for a moment and then allowed her own arm to come around her mother's waist as they took the stairs.

He followed behind them, and then retreated allowing Kate to get her mother settled and to find what she needed in her shopping bags. Finally she joined him in his room and he let her get ready for bed first and tried not to worry about her sudden quiet demeanor.

* * *

As Castle stepped out of the bathroom and back into his bedroom, he stopped to study Kate as she sat cross legged on the bed. She was pensive, as if she were trying to figure something out. He slid into bed next to her and laid a hand on her knee to gain her attention.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Tonight," she answered.

"What about it?"

"Her."

He was puzzled, it had seemed as though she had been relatively comfortable with her mother, and Johanna had seemed to come out of her shell and enjoy herself.

"Did she upset you?" he asked.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

She turned her head to look at him and he could see that she was struggling to work something out.

"That was her," she said softly.

His brow furrowed, "What do you mean?"

"That was my mother," she told him as she nervously traced patterns on her leg.

"I don't think I'm following," he replied.

She gave him a small smile, "That was the person I remember," She whispered, "Fun, relaxed, playful, competitive. Everything she was most of the day and tonight are the things I remember."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked gently.

"I'm not sure."

"Why not?"

"Because I still don't know how to feel about her."

He thought about it for a moment and then said, "Because if she isn't being herself it's easier to keep distance between you."

She nodded, "When we started out this morning it was awkward and then we struck this deal to just let it go for awhile and the more we shopped the easier it became. We were laughing and talking and in some ways it felt good, too good but I wouldn't let myself think about it; and she seemed to be on this mission to buy herself a new wardrobe, as if she were trying to create this metamorphosis for herself in the way of clothing and shoes."

"She's trying to shake off Meagan Stevens," Castle said, "Maybe she can't do that while wearing Meagan's clothes, you told her to find herself; that she needed to be the fighter she used to be."

"I know and I want her to find that part of herself, I just didn't expect the rest of it, I didn't expect to see all of her re-emerging."

"Maybe in order to find the fighter she has to find the rest of herself as well," he replied, "Maybe you gave her what she needed, Kate. As odd as it was for you to see her being herself tonight, think of how it must've felt to her to have that freedom. She hasn't been herself in a long time, she's been isolated; but now she can be Johanna, and she wants to be the person you need her to be, so she's buying new clothes and allowing herself to let go and be the person you remember."

"I know," she said as emotion overtook her, "But it's still strange and painful in some ways, and yet that's mixed with relief and a thousand other things, and all I can think about is how I've watched her all day thinking, 'This is my mother…that's my mom'. I don't know what to make of that, Castle."

He pulled her into his arms, "You don't have to make anything of it, Kate. You can feel more than one way, there's nothing wrong with that."

"It's hard," she admitted, "I'm still up on that tight rope and I'm still wobbling."

"The net is still out," he assured her, "I'm still going to catch you."

She carefully pulled out of his arms and shifted to face him.

"I don't know how I'd make it through this without you, Castle," she whispered as she looked into his eyes, "I don't think I'd survive it."

He shook his head, "You would. You were strong long before I came along."

"No, I wasn't," she replied, "I was barely hanging on. I was hiding inside my job, afraid to feel too much, afraid of not being in control, keeping myself behind that wall; but then you came, Castle. You came and you gave me a lifeline. You made me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time, and sometimes it scares me."

She paused to swallow the lump in her throat and then she continued on, wanting to fulfill her mission to give him _something_.

"You scaled the wall and you found me, Castle," she told him, a soft smile tugging on her lips, "You chase me through the mazes, pulling on my pigtails as you go and you make me live. You pick me up when I fall down; you put me back together when I fall apart. You're the only one who knows how to do those things."

His voice felt stuck in his throat as he kept his eyes locked on hers. "I'll always do those things for you, Kate," he answered, "As long as you let me."

"You don't know how much it means to me," she whispered, "But it means everything, it always has and I know I don't always show it, that sometimes I don't know how to express it, but it means everything to me," she said as she lifted his hand and placed it over her heart, "You're everything to me."

She gave him a moment to absorb those statements, keeping his hand pressed against her heart and then she spoke again.

"It's still coming down, you know," she said in reference to her wall.

"Good," he whispered as he forced his eyes to look away from his hand as it rested beneath hers and capture her gaze, "I'm glad."

"I still want you to be there when the last brick falls."

"I'll be there," he promised, "Waiting to help you step over the rubble."

She smiled, a tear slipping free and making its way down her cheek, "Don't give up on me, Castle," she told him, "I'll get there. I'll make it."

He knew that she made the statement in regards to the situation she had found herself in when he had pushed her away after the bombing case without any explanation. She had obviously taken his behavior as a sign that he had given up on her, and for awhile he had, as he had tried to force his wounded heart and pride to learn how not to love her but it hadn't been possible. She had hurt him, was in some ways still hurting him by not telling him the truth but here she was in front of him, giving him a part of herself, an unspoken promise that things would progress if he'd keep hanging on, if he didn't give up on her and a part of him felt ashamed of the way he had behaved during that time, because in hindsight he realized that it hadn't solved anything or made him feel better.

"I never meant to…," he started to say, struggling with a way to explain what he had done without saying too much, but she laid her fingers against his lips and shook her head.

"We don't need to talk about it right now," she said softly, "One day we will, we'll talk about a lot of things, but not tonight. Not right now."

He nodded in agreement because he knew that she was giving him all she could give at the moment and he didn't want to heap anymore burdens or worries onto those slender shoulders. He could accept this new area of their relationship where she offered and received affection, and came to him for support more and more easily. It was a step forward and he'd take it and cherish it, try to nurture it and give her whatever she needed to help her be ready to move forward.

"Just don't give up on me," she whispered again, breaking into his thoughts and pulling his focus back to her.

Slowly he slid his hand upwards, away from her heart and buried his fingers in her hair as he pulled her closer and claimed her lips in a slow tender kiss.

He couldn't tell her that he loved her because she wasn't ready but as his forehead leaned against hers, his fingers still tangled in her hair, he whispered the one word he knew she could accept and take to heart.

"Always, Kate."

"Always," she repeated, allowing their word to say everything she couldn't before drawing him back for another kiss.

The air was thick between them as she carefully pulled away from him, a shy smile on her lips. She wasn't sure what to say to him now, and as she looked at him she realized that he seemed to be at a loss for words too for a change.

She slid towards the edge of the bed, needing to get away for a moment, but not regretting anything she had said or done. "I'm going to go check on her," she stated.

Castle nodded, knowing she needed to put some space between them so she could regain control of herself and he was alright with that as long as she was coming back.

"I'm sure she's fine," he said reassuringly.

"I know," she answered as she paused at the door, "But I'm used to her being across the hallway. I don't think she knows that I can hear her up pacing the floors."

"Does she do that?"

Kate nodded, "Almost as much as I do, and sometimes I wake up and I don't hear it and I…I just have to go check and make sure…"

"I get it," he said, keeping her from having to say the things her mind conjured up when it came to the silence of her guest.

"I'll be right back," she promised, a part of her knowing that he would worry that she wouldn't return to his side after the way she had laid open a part of her soul.

He smiled and nodded and she slipped from the room and made her way through the loft, taking steadying breaths as she went. By the time she reached Castle's guest room she had her heart and mind back under control and she was feeling better in regards to the state of their future. She hadn't revealed herself completely, hadn't confessed to her own lie, but she felt she had made steps towards it while laying the groundwork for moving forward and having the kind of relationship with him that she wanted. She carefully and quietly turned the doorknob and looked inside the room. Her mother was sound asleep, looking peaceful and relaxed for a change. She closed the door and retreated back downstairs, retracing her steps to Castle's bedroom.

"Is she alright?" he asked as she took her place beside him in bed.

"She's asleep," Kate answered.

"It's no wonder," he replied, "Mother did encourage her to indulge freely in the wine."

She laughed, "Maybe she needed it."

"I wouldn't blame her," Castle stated.

"I don't," Kate remarked.

"She seemed happy today," he commented as she nestled against his side.

She nodded, "I'm glad."

"You seemed happy too."

It was hard for her to accept in some ways but she nodded, "I guess I was."

"That's not a bad thing, Kate."

"Keep reminding me of that," she told him as she made herself comfortable.

"I will," he promised as he held her close, "I just can't believe I owe her $500 dollars."

Kate laughed, "You're the one who wanted to go for double or nothing."

"I know but I really didn't expect her to win a second time. I thought it was like beginners luck."

"She hasn't been a beginner in a long time, Castle."

"But when we started she acted as though she wasn't very good."

Kate raised her head up to look at him and smiled, "That's what she does when she plays with someone new. She acts like she's not good and when you're convinced that you can easily beat her, she raises the stakes and kicks your ass."

"You could've told me this before the game," he replied.

"What's the fun in that?"

He grinned, "You Beckett women are devious."

She laughed, "Grandpa taught her well."

"Too well apparently," he answered, "Did he teach you anything?"

"Magic," she answered.

"Oh, so this was your magician grandfather."

She nodded, "He considered magic and poker to be his specialties."

"Sounds like my kind of guy," he remarked with a laugh.

"You would've liked him," she agreed, "And I'm sure he would've gotten a kick out of you."

He gave her hip a light squeeze and she was quiet for a moment before continuing on. "I think he loved my mother almost as much as he loved Dad."

He remembered his conversation with Johanna and how she had spoken of her father-in-law. "She must've been lucky," he answered, "Not everyone has that kind of relationship with an in-law."

"It probably meant more to her than he knew," she replied, "Her dad wasn't very good to her."

"Really?" he asked, masking his surprise at the statement. Johanna had told him that Kate didn't know the truth about that.

"Yeah, she never told me about it, but Dad told me a while back when I asked him why he had never seemed to like Grandpa McKenzie. It was hard to believe because he had always been good to me, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that there were signs that things weren't good between them."

"Your mother is an interesting person," he told her.

"Yeah, I'm learning that," she answered quietly as she thought of the new stories and insight into her mothers mind that she had been gaining over the last several weeks. "It's like she only ever gave me a scaled down version of her life and now she's letting things out in little pieces and it's like discovering parts of her that I didn't even know existed."

"How do you feel about that?" he asked.

"Intrigued," she admitted, "And…strange."

"How's it strange?"

She shrugged, "I guess it's like she told me yesterday, I've only ever viewed her as my mother, I've never stopped and thought of her in the sense of being just a woman. I don't realize that she's had or still has the same thoughts, feelings, and worries that I do and it's strange and yet comforting in some way."

"Comforting?"

"Yeah," she said softly, "I hear her say these things and I can help but feel like if she has those feelings too than maybe I'm not as screwed up as I thought."

He didn't mean to laugh at that remark but he did and she swatted his chest in response.

"Don't laugh," she chastened, "I'm serious."

"I know," he said as he continued to laugh lightly, "But it was funny."

"It's not funny," she countered, "I was feeling a little bit better about my mental state and you laugh about it."

"I'm sorry," he said as he tried to control himself.

"No you're not."

"What if it's just that you're both screwed up?" he asked.

She glared at him, "There's probably a high possibility of that."

He nodded, "It could be hereditary."

Kate smacked his chest again, "Thanks a lot, Castle."

He laughed, "It's okay if you're screwed up, I'm screwed up too."

She rolled her eyes, "Yeah, we know you are."

He pretended to be offended, "What do you mean you know I am?"

"Do you really need to ask?" Kate inquired, "I mean you are the man who said I was the cheese to your macaroni."

Castle laughed, "It seemed like the right thing to say at the time."

"In front of my mother?"

"She thought it was funny."

"She thinks everything is funny when she's winning and half way to tipsy."

He continued to chuckle, "At least she wasn't crying."

"Thank god for that," she remarked, "But Ryan and Esposito will never let me live that one down."

"Tell your mother to bake more brownies; you can probably buy their silence about it if you provide them with a treat."

"Great," she said, "We're resorting to 'hush' brownies."

"I'd keep secrets if you paid me with your mother's brownies."

"You're keeping my secrets regardless of what you get paid with," she retorted.

"Why Detective Beckett, that could be misconstrued in a naughty way," he teased.

"And you'd be the one to find that way, wouldn't you Mr. Macaroni?"

He burst into laughter and soon she was chuckling with him, "I promise to think of something better to call you," he told her amid laughs.

"Like what?"

"How about, you're the gravy to my mashed potatoes."

"No," she answered with a giggle.

"Why not?" he asked, "Everyone loves the gravy."

"Well you know that's true, the gravy always gets eaten in some way or another, but a lot of times the potatoes get cold and get thrown out," she told him with a laugh.

"On second thought I don't like that one, how about you're the milk to my cookie?"

"Cookies crumble," she commented.

"You're no good at this game, Beckett," he replied.

"Hey, I don't have to sleep here;" she told him, "I can go upstairs with the rest of the ladies."

"The beds are all taken," he remarked smugly.

"I could always share with my mother," she replied.

"You're too old for that," Castle told her, "And besides you're the icing on my cupcake."

She burst into a fit of laughter that she couldn't control and soon tears were streaming down her face.

"Is that one a winner?" he asked.

"Well I would rather be icing than cheese," Kate answered as she wiped her face.

"Good," he said with a teasing glint in his eyes, "Now think of one for me."

"Oh god," she stated, "I'm no good at that."

"Try," he told her, "I'm easily impressed."

She thought for a moment, "You're the ketchup to my French fries."

He laughed, "It has potential, but let's try another one."

She groaned, "Really?"

He nodded, "Yes, I want something good."

"You're the music to my ear," she said with a laugh as she struggled to come up with something.

"Nah," he said, "Try again."

Kate was quiet for a moment, "You're the bubbles to my bath."

"Oh, nudity," he stated, "We have a winner."

"Oh my god," she said, "I walked right into that one."

"You didn't walk into it, you ran," he remarked mischievously.

He earned himself another swat as she muttered, "Why am I in bed with you?"

"For almost all of the right reasons," he told her.

She shook her head and re-situated herself next to him, "Goodnight, Castle," she said with a light laugh.

He pressed a kiss against her head, "Goodnight, Kate."

She drifted off to sleep but he remained awake, a soft smile on his lips. It was a good night indeed.

_Authors Note: I haven't forgotten about Jim and his decision, we'll pick that up in the second part. I figured it was time to give the ladies a break and allow them to enjoy themselves and I got carried away lol. _


	18. Chapter 18

_Authors Note: As always thanks for your reviews! They make my day. I hope you enjoy this one, sorry it took longer to get finished then I had planned. Someone asked if danger will be back soon and the answer is yes, danger will return._

Chapter 18 – If I Didn't Have You – Part 2

'_You are my heart, every breath I breathe_, _When I'm weak, you're strong_, _If you were gone I don't know where I'd be, you were made for me – Thompson Square _

Rain was falling once again when Castle woke the next morning. The sky outside his window was gloomy and the loft was still and quiet as its occupants had obviously decided to sleep in. The lack of sunlight and the stillness didn't bother him, how could it when Kate was nestled beside him. He carefully turned onto his side and smiled as he watched her sleep, the words she had spoken the night before still fresh in his mind.

He reached out and brushed back a strand of her hair. She looked relaxed and peaceful, which he was grateful for as she had jerked awake once during the night, as if she had been having a bad dream, and had woke him in the process, but when he had asked her what was wrong she wouldn't admit to anything, acting as though it was nothing as she slipped out of bed and made another trip upstairs. Castle figured that whatever it had been that had disturbed her sleep had obviously evoked the need to check on Johanna. When she had returned he had asked her once again if she was alright and she murmured that she was fine as she curled up next to him with her head on his chest and went back to sleep.

He hadn't felt or heard her get up after that so he assumed that her dreams hadn't tormented her anymore and that she hadn't made anymore trips upstairs to check on her mother.

"You know," her sleepy voice said, breaking through the silence and pulling him from his thoughts, "Instead of starring at me, you could get up and make me some coffee."

Castle chuckled softly, "Kind of demanding for a houseguest, aren't you?"

She smiled as her eyes flicked open and met his gaze, "If you were really a good host, you'd know that coffee is complimentary with an overnight stay."

He grinned, "Let me get this straight, I let you crash my poker night, I let your mother beat me, I allow you to crawl into bed with me and kiss me, and the thanks I get is criticism of my manners as a host?"

Kate laughed, "First of all, it was Martha's idea to crash poker night, so you can't hold that against me. Second, you didn't _let _my mother beat you; she beat you because you were no match for her. Third, it was your idea for me to stay and you volunteered to share this bed with me because you said I was too old to share with my mother; and fourth, you kissed me first, so there."

"You'd think that waking up next to me would do something for your surly morning disposition but obviously not," he teased.

She swatted him playfully and then kissed his cheek.

"Oh, what, now you're sucking up to me?" he asked playfully, "I'm no fool; I know what's going on here."

"And what is that?" she asked.

He looked at her and said, "You just want me for my caffeine."

Kate laughed, "Who told?"

"I've had my suspicions all along," he remarked dramatically, "But I was always holding out hope that you would one day appreciate me as something more than just your caffeine dealer."

"Are you saying I'm an addict?" she asked with a smile.

"Those are your words, not mine," he quipped.

"If I am one, that makes you my enabler," she remarked with a smirk.

"I know, but I'm enabling you in hopes of that appreciation I just spoke of," he replied.

"Would it help if I said I appreciate you for your mind?" she teased.

"My mind?" he scoffed, "The hell with my mind, what about my body?"

Kate smirked at him and then ran her hand along his ribs, causing his eyes to widen for a moment. "It's nice," she told him.

"Nice?" he responded, "That's all you can say? I can go into minute detail of your hotness and you only give me 'nice'?"

She laughed as she shrugged a shoulder, "Maybe if I had some coffee to clear my sleep fogged brain, I'd be able to render a better judgment."

"Tease," he countered, "You're toying with me to get what you want. You Beckett women really are devious."

"Well you were the one who said that the apple couldn't fall far from the tree."

"Now you're going to prove it, by wooing me to give you coffee?"

Kate laughed, "Wooing?"

Castle nodded, "Wooing."

"I thought the man was supposed to do the wooing."

"Do you want me to woo you, Katherine Beckett?" he asked, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

"I'm not answering that question."

"What if I give you coffee?" he asked.

"Are you trying to bribe me?" she asked with amusement.

"Never!"

"Yeah, right."

"I was merely offering you a way to get that caffeine fix you so desperately want," he told her.

Kate smiled, "I'll make you a deal."

"A deal? I thought you were playing the deal game with your mother."

"I am, but I can make a deal with you too."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"You make me coffee and I'll make you breakfast," she told him.

He regarded her with a raised brow, "Bacon and eggs?"

She nodded, "If that's what you want."

He kissed her forehead, "Deal."

They got up and took turns in the bathroom and then moved into the kitchen where he made the coffee and she began her task of making breakfast. Alexis was the first one to descend the stairs as the aromas of breakfast filled the air, and several minutes latter they heard the clatter of heels and Martha and Johanna appeared.

"Well, well, well," Castle said as he took in their appearances, "If it isn't the over 60 crowd."

"Watch it buster," Martha told him as she took a seat at the table.

"Good morning, Katie," Johanna said quietly as she took a seat across from Martha.

Kate laughed as she looked at her, "I'd say the same to you but I've always found mornings to be anything but good when I have a hangover."

"Shame on you girls," Castle teased them, "Aren't you old enough to know better?"

"Yes," Johanna remarked, "But we're still young enough at heart not to give a damn."

"I'll drink to that," Martha announced.

"That's what got you the hangover in the first place," Alexis commented as she brought them each a glass of juice.

"I remember," Martha remarked, "But I had a good time."

"So did I," Johanna stated with a smile.

"How long has it been since you've had a good time?" Castle asked her.

"Too long," she answered.

Kate dished up the food and she and Castle joined them around the table.

"You're a good cook, Katie," Johanna told her when she was finished her meal.

"See, I know how to do it," she told her, "I don't rely on fast food because I've forgotten what I've been taught."

Johanna smiled softly, "I don't think I told you the other night when you made dinner, but that was good too. I was proud."

Kate laughed, "I overlooked your lack of comment due to your headache."

The comment about a headache seemed to remind her of the wine induced one she was suffering from at the present moment and she rubbed her hand across her forehead.

Castle disappeared from the table for a few minutes and then returned and handed Johanna and Martha each a dose of Tylenol and laughed at their obvious suffering due to their overindulgence the night before.

"Hush, Richard," Martha stated before taking the pills and washing them down with her juice.

Kate smirked as she watched her mother do the same thing. "We get rid of one headache, and you go out and get yourself another one," she commented.

"Shut up, Kate," her mother said which only caused her and Castle to laugh more while the older women winced.

"Maybe this will make you feel better," he said to Johanna as he pulled a wad of money from his pocket and held it out to her. "It's all there, but you can count it if you want."

She smiled, "I trust you, Rick."

"I just want you to know," he remarked, "That this isn't over. I will win the next time"

Johanna smirked, "Name the time and place if you're so desperate to get your ass kicked again."

Alexis laughed lightly, trying to be mindful the women suffering from headaches. Johanna smiled at her and then pulled one of the hundred dollar bills from her winnings and handed it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's a going to college gift from me and Katie, go blow it on something frivolous," Johanna instructed.

"You don't have to give me anything," Alexis replied.

Johanna shook her head carefully, "Take it, I want you too."

Alexis looked to Kate who nodded, "Humor her," she told her, "It'll be easier for all of us."

Alexis thanked Johanna and slipped the money into her pocket. Johanna then pulled another hundred dollar bill from the stash and held it out to Kate who looked at her in confusion.

"Go on," she told her, "Take it; It's been a long time since I've given you an allowance."

"That's alright," Kate told her, "You keep it."

"No, take it. You should get some kind of compensation for being called the cheese to his macaroni," Johanna told her.

"I was hoping the wine would keep you from remembering that part," Kate replied.

"I always remember the highlights," her mother remarked as she waved the money at her, "Now take this or I'll slip it into your wallet later."

Kate rolled her eyes and took the money, "Fine, but we never speak of the macaroni and cheese again."

"Deal."

Johanna waved the rest of the money at Martha, "When we get that night out, first rounds on me," she declared.

Martha raised her glass of juice in salute to her, "I can't wait."

"What about me?" Castle asked, "What do I get?"

"What do losers always get?" Johanna asked him.

"Nothing," he replied after thinking about it for a moment.

"Exactly."

"That's not fair," he complained.

She shrugged, "Fine, you can kiss Kate goodbye when we leave."

He grinned as he looked at Kate who was blushing. "I'll take it."

"And on that note, I think it's time we go," Kate announced.

"Does that mean you're anxious to kiss me?" he asked.

"I don't recall saying I was going to," she told him.

"But your mother said I could," he stated.

"She didn't consult me first."

Castle looked to Johanna, "She's not cooperating."

"What do you want me to do about it?" she asked.

"You're her mother, make her do it."

"I don't have that kind of power anymore, Rick."

"I just keep losing," he stated dramatically.

Johanna looked to her daughter, "Are you really going to tell him no?" she asked teasingly.

She rolled her eyes and looked at her partner who was smirking, "Come on, Kate, be a good girl and do what your mother says."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him and then rose from her chair and moved towards him and then popped his bubble by kissing his cheek.

"You did it wrong," he told her.

She shook her head, "You wanted a kiss, I gave you one."

He looked to Johanna who shrugged, "A kiss is a kiss."

"But that's not the kind I had in mind," he remarked.

"That's your problem," Johanna told him, "It was never specified what kind of kiss it would be."

He glared at her playfully, "Lawyers," he said with mock disdain.

Johanna grinned, "A lawyer who took 500 dollars of your money."

"I was told that it's not attractive to gloat," he replied with a grin.

"That is usually said by the loser," she reminded him.

Kate pushed away from the table and Johanna followed her upstairs where they gathered up their shopping bags and other belongings. Castle followed them downstairs to the garage and he and Kate lingered at the back of the car while Johanna leaned against the passenger side door.

"Thanks for letting us stay," she said quietly.

"No problem," he answered, "It was good to see the two of you have a little fun and relax."

"It felt good," she admitted.

He wanted to kiss her so badly, and as she shifted awkwardly in front of him, her teeth biting into her bottom lip, he realized that she was feeling it too, but they weren't alone and they were unsure of how to say their goodbyes.

Johanna sensed the change in the atmosphere and knew that her presence was keeping them from what they wanted to do and with a laugh she pushed away from the car door and walked back to the trunk and snatched the keys from Kate's hand.

"Your father's right; you two are way worse then we ever were," she commented.

"What's that supposed to me?" Kate asked.

"It means I'll be in the car, not watching, while you say goodbye to the macaroni," Johanna answered as she unlocked the passenger side door.

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that," Kate stated.

She shrugged, "It's the only nickname I have for him right now, especially now that he's been dethroned as the 'master'," she teased.

"And just what nicknames have you picked up along the way?" Castle asked her.

Johanna grinned, "I'm not telling."

"Dad's best friend always called her 'Sassy'," Kate supplied.

"Sassy?" he teased.

"I can play that game too," Johanna announced as she opened the door, "He used to call her 'Katie bug'."

Castle burst into laughter as he looked to Kate, "Katie bug?"

"I thought you were getting in the car?" Kate said to her mother.

"I am," she said with a laugh as she got in and slammed the door.

"Shut up, Castle," she told him as he continued to laugh.

"Sorry, Katie bug," he replied and she grabbed his ear.

"Apples," he cried.

"Are you ever going to say that name again?" she asked.

"Never."

"Are you going to tell Ryan and Esposito about it?"

"No."

"You swear?" she asked.

"Yes!"

"Okay," she said as she released his ear.

He rubbed his ear, "Does this mean you aren't going to kiss me goodbye?"

She smiled and then turned to glance through the back window of the car to see if her mother was watching. She was facing forward, with her head down as if she was occupying herself with her phone, so Kate turned back to Castle and brushed a kiss across his mouth before saying goodbye.

"You could've done better," he stated as she turned towards the drivers side of the car.

"We'll see if you keep my secret before I try and do better," she told him.

Kate got into the car and caught her mothers gaze.

"Better now?" Johanna asked with a teasing grin.

Kate smirked, "Shut up Sassy."

"I liked that name," her mother quipped as she handed over the keys. With a wave to Castle they were on there way. Half way home Johanna gathered up her courage and turned her gaze towards her daughter.

"I was thinking," she began.

"Should I be worried?" Kate asked.

Johanna shook her head, "No, I was thinking about that deal we made yesterday."

"What about it?"

"Can we extend it?"

Kate cast a quick glance at her, "What do you mean, extend it?"

"I mean, can we keep it in play?" Johanna asked, "There are things I want to talk to you about one day, Kate, but I know you aren't ready and I don't want to force it. That being said, I would like to try and continue on as we were yesterday and this morning." She paused for a moment as she carefully chose her words for her argument, "It was nice, Kate, being able to enjoy ourselves, being able to talk and relax with each other. I know avoiding our problems doesn't fix anything, but I liked being with you like this. It was good, I know it can never be like it was in the past…but it was close enough."

Kate struggled against her emotions for a moment as she thought it over but finally she nodded, "I'm willing to keep the deal in play if you are."

Her mother smiled at her, "I'm willing."

"Okay," Kate replied, "We'll see how it goes."

* * *

Later in the day there was a knock at the door and Kate swung it open to reveal Ryan and Esposito standing on the other side.

"Where's the brownies?" Esposito demanded to know before she could even say a word.

Kate forced herself to look serious and answered, "Oh, guys, you're too late. I just ate the last one."

They looked like two little boys who had just seen their puppy get kicked and she burst into laughter as she moved aside and allowed them in.

"I'm telling your mother that you're not nice," Esposito remarked.

"She already knows," Kate replied.

"Knows what?" Johanna asked as she appeared in the living room.

"That I'm not a nice girl," she answered.

Johanna laughed, "What did you do?"

"I told them the brownies were gone."

Her mother smiled and looked to her daughters friends, "Don't worry boys, they're still here. Come into the kitchen."

They grinned and as they dutifully followed Johanna into the kitchen, Kate realized that Ryan was carrying a paper bag.

"What's in the bag?" she questioned.

"A gift for you," he answered.

"For me?" she asked as she reached for it.

"Not so fast," Ryan commented as he held the bag away from her.

"Why not?"

"We get our gift before you get yours," Esposito remarked as Johanna sat a small plate containing a brownie in front of each of them.

Kate eyed them suspiciously as she sat down at the table with them.

"They're up to something," she told her mother.

Johanna nodded and sat down next to her "I can tell," she answered, "That's why they want to make sure they get the brownies first."

"Speaking of which," Esposito stated around bites, "I think this may be the best brownie I've ever had in my life."

"Me too," Ryan agreed.

"Thank you," Johanna said, "I'm glad you like them after all the fuss you made about being left out."

"We forgive you," Ryan told her.

Kate laughed, "Isn't that nice, they forgive you for making brownies for yourself and not them."

She chuckled, "I'll sleep easy tonight knowing that I've been forgiven."

"Did you have these all the time when you were growing up, Beckett?" Esposito asked.

"She always made treats and cooked meals," Kate answered.

"If my mother had made brownies like these, I would've never left home," he remarked.

"That's probably why she didn't," Ryan stated as he picked up crumbs with his fingers.

Kate laughed and Johanna rose from her seat and got each of them another brownie.

"Here," she stated as she put one on each of their plates, "Now you'll all be even and I won't be accused of playing favorites anymore."

"Next time we call first dibs on anything you make," Ryan stated.

"The hell," Kate said, "This is my kitchen, and my mother, I get first dibs."

Ryan looked to Johanna, "Didn't you teach her to share?"

She laughed, "She's an only child, she always got first dibs."

"What about her dad?" Esposito asked.

"He got whatever was left over once we were done," Johanna stated with a laugh.

"That's cruel," he replied.

Kate shook her head, "Not really."

"Yeah," Johanna agreed, "Sometimes crumbs were all he deserved."

"I'm not touching that one," Ryan said.

"Me either," his partner replied, "But next time, we get treats before Castle."

"That could be misconstrued as playing favorites," Johanna replied, "Don't you think so, Katie?"

She nodded, "Yeah, we wouldn't that. First come, first serve."

"Are you at least going to send out an alert when there's something good to eat here?" Esposito asked, "I mean we do have to come over here all the time and check on things."

"That's your job," Kate told them.

"That doesn't mean we can't be fed," Ryan answered.

"Yeah, Beckett," Esposito stated, "You got brownies and home cooked meals and Castle delivering your coffee and taking you out to lunch, what the hell do we have?"

"Each other," she said with a laugh.

He looked to Johanna and said, "She really is mean sometimes."

"What do you want me to do about that?" she asked.

"You're her mother;" he replied, "Ground her."

Johanna looked at Kate and laughed, "How long has it been since I've grounded you?"

She thought about it for a moment, "I think I was 16 or 17 the last time."

"See, she's long overdue," Ryan remarked.

"I don't know how to punish her now," Johanna said, "Back then I took away her allowance, phone privileges and her stereo. What am I supposed to take away from her now?"

Esposito smirked, "Castle," he answered, "No Castle for a week."

"Funny, Espo," Kate replied as she glared at him.

Johanna grinned at her, "That would probably be worse than when I took her allowance."

"Lucky for me, you don't have that power," Kate answered.

"Not to mention Castle," Ryan replied, "He probably wouldn't like that punishment either."

"I bet he wouldn't," her mother said with a sidelong glance at her daughter.

The boys were finished with their brownies and Kate felt it was time for a subject change.

"Alright," she said with a gesture towards the bag, "Let's have it."

They both smiled and then Ryan picked up the bag and dumped it out.

Johanna tried not to laugh but she failed miserably and Kate glared at Ryan and Esposito as they pushed the boxes of macaroni and cheese towards her.

"You two really think you're funny, don't you?"

They smiled proudly and said, "Yeah."

"How long did it take you to come up with this?" she asked.

"Oh we went out and bought this for you right after we left Castle's," Ryan told her.

"We thought you'd appreciate it," Esposito told her, "Seeing as how you're so fond of macaroni."

Johanna was still laughing and Kate smirked at them and tapped her nails against the surface of the table in a menacing rhythm.

"Look at the time," Ryan said, "We have to go."

"Thanks for the brownies," Esposito stated.

"If you don't run fast," Johanna told them, "They may be the last you ever have."

They both rose slowly from their seats, watching Beckett as she gathered up the boxes and did the same. Without saying a word they took off in a run towards the door while Kate ran after them, hurling the boxes of macaroni at them as she went.

Johanna remained in the kitchen, laughing as she heard the sounds of "ow's" and the thuds of the boxes hitting the floor as Kate yelled, 'you better run!' The door slammed amid a chorus of laugher and moments later Kate returned to the kitchen with the dented boxes of mac and cheese in hand.

"Damn Castle," she muttered affectionately as she sat the boxes on the counter.

Johanna smirked, "Try saying that with less affection in your voice and you might convince someone who doesn't know you that you're really annoyed about it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate asked as she turned towards her mother.

"You know what it means," she answered.

"We're still not talking about that," she told her mother.

"Why not?" Johanna asked, "I bet it's a good story."

"It wasn't included in the terms of our deal."

"We can expand the terms of the deal," Johanna remarked.

Apparently her mother really was finding herself, Kate thought as she eyed her and took in that mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"Don't make me hide your new shoes," she threatened lightly.

"You can't do that," Johanna stated, "It's against the constitution."

Kate laughed, "How do you figure?"

"Because it would be cruel and unusual punishment," she answered.

"I don't recall any part of that amendment stating that you couldn't hide someone's shoes."

"It's in the small print," Johanna replied with a grin, "And besides I wouldn't want to have to enact revenge upon you."

"Oh," Kate said with a raised brow, "And just how do you figure you could enact revenge on me?"

Her mother forced a serious expression to her face as she looked her in the eye, "I know where your jackets are."

"You wouldn't," Kate said, matching her mother's expression.

"Try me."

They stared at each other for a moment before Kate blinked and laughed, "Fine, keep your damn shoes."

Johanna laughed, "I knew you'd see it my way."

"Is there anything else in the small print of the constitution that I don't know about?" Kate asked.

Her mother smirked, "As a matter of fact, there is."

"What is it?"

"There's a sentence in very small print that states that if you ever go home and find a bimbo visiting your father, you are legally and morally obligated to shoot her."

She laughed, "Still thinking about Melanie?"

"I just keep hearing her say that she'd drop in on him," Johanna replied with disgust, "I know what she's up to, she's still playing the same damn game as always."

She laid a hand on her shoulder for a second, before taking a seat across from her at the table. "Don't worry, I'll be on the look out for visiting bimbos, and if I find any I will dispose of them."

"That's all I ask," she answered.

Kate looked at her mother and laughed, "Maybe Melanie should've gotten together with Charles Patterson."

Johanna laughed, "He was husband number one!"

"Are you serious!" Kate exclaimed.

"Yes, I'm serious."

"Oh my god," she replied, "What kind of law firm did you work at?"

"It was like a never ending soap opera," Johanna told her, "We would've been a shoo in for reality shows if they had been on the air back then."

"You don't expect to hear these things about a law firm," Kate said.

Johanna nodded, "It surprised me too," she answered, "There was lying and backstabbing, discrimination, love triangles, affairs, harassment, and then there was the actual work aspect."

She laughed, "Sounds like a never ending headache."

"That's why I had to get the hell out of there," she replied.

"I don't blame you."

"I just can't believe Jeff married her," Johanna said with a shake of her head.

"Dad seemed surprised too," Kate told her, "He kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to go through with it."

The mention of Charles Patterson brought back the memory of that party she went to with him and the conversation that she had with Jeff during that evening and she laughed.

"What?" Kate asked.

"I was just thinking about that party I went to with Charles," she answered.

"What about it?"

"Jeff was there," Johanna answered, "He knew what I was doing."

Kate laughed, "You just keep leaving out details about that night, don't you?"

Johanna chuckled, "I guess so, but it was an interesting conversation."

Kate looked at her expectantly and said, "Well, are you going to tell me or not?"

She smiled and allowed the memory to fill her mind once again.

_She had just finished off her glass of champagne when Jeff appeared at her side, dropping an arm around her shoulders and grinning._

"_Did you save me a dance?" he asked._

_Johanna smirked, "It depends, are you asking because you want to dance with me or because someone sent you over here?"_

_Jeff laughed, "How can you ask me that? Don't I always dance with you?"_

_She laughed, "Yeah, I guess you do."_

"_So are you going to dance with me or not?"_

"_I suppose I can spare one dance for you," she told him and he smiled mischievously and led her out on the dance floor._

_The music was slow and they were quiet for the first few bars of the song before he looked her in the eye and said, "I know what you're up to."_

_Johanna smiled, "And just what would that be?"_

"_You're trying to give Jim a heart attack," he answered._

_She giggled lightly, "I don't know what you're talking about."_

"_A likely story," he replied._

"_Are you sure he didn't put you up to dancing with me?"_

_Jeff scoffed, "He's too busy muttering things about you to form any coherent thoughts."_

"_Muttering what kind of things?" she asked._

_He grinned, "What does it matter if you're not up to anything?"_

"_Do you have something you want to say, Jeff?" she asked._

_He laughed, "You, Miss McKenzie, are playing the 'make him jealous' game."_

_Johanna rolled her eyes, "I have never heard of that game."_

"_It's a good thing you're not on the witness stand; you'd be going down for perjury."_

"_It's not my fault if he's jealous. He had his chance, he didn't want me."_

_Jeff laughed quietly, "Are you crazy?"_

"_What?"_

"_You know he wants you."_

"_He has a funny way of showing it."_

"_Don't even tell me that you haven't seen the look on his face all night," Jeff replied._

"_He looks like a man who isn't having a good time," she answered with a grin of satisfaction._

"_And it's all your fault," he told her, "All he can do is sit there and say 'Look at her in that damn dress'."_

"_I like this dress," she remarked._

"_Honey everyone likes you in this dress," Jeff said as his eyes roamed over her._

_Johanna smirked, "It's not like this is first dress I've worn."_

"_But this one makes a statement that the other ones lacked," he replied as he continued to look her over, "Have I ever told you that you have nice legs?"_

_She nodded, "Once or twice."_

"_You have great legs," he repeated._

_She smacked his shoulder, "Stop that," she told him; forcing his gaze back to her face, "Does he not like my dress?"_

_Jeff smirked, "Oh he loves the dress," he told her, "It's the jackass you chose to accessorize it with that he doesn't like."_

_Johanna laughed, "Is he bothered by that?"_

"_You know he is!"_

"_I don't know anything about it."_

"_You little vixen," Jeff commented, "Who knew you had it in you to play dirty?"_

"_I'm not playing dirty!"_

"_Yes you are," he said with a laugh, "You're getting Jim all worked up so he'll fall into your trap."_

"_What trap?"_

"_You know what trap."_

"_What do you know about anything?" Johanna asked with a teasing glint in her eye._

"_I know plenty," he replied, "You knew he'd blow a gasket if he saw you with Charles. He's sitting over there thinking about wringing your neck."_

"_That wasn't exactly the reaction I was hoping for," she said with a laugh._

"_I thought you weren't up to anything?" he teased._

"_Shut up!"_

"_You're driving him crazy."_

"_Good, that's what he gets," she commented._

_The music ended but he took hold of her elbow and steered her towards a less crowded section of the room._

"_You don't even like Charles."_

"_I know that," she answered, "But desperate times call for desperate measures."_

"_You know what happens when you play with fire, right Sassy?" he asked her._

_Johanna rolled her eyes, "No, enlighten me," she said sarcastically._

_He laughed, "You get burned."_

"_Not always," she remarked, "Sometimes things just heat up."_

_Jeff looked at her, "Trust me; there's plenty of heat between the two of you already. There's enough sparks flying there to start a forest fire without a match."_

_She smirked, "Funny."_

"_I'm serious."_

"_This is about more than…that," she answered._

_Jeff sighed, "It always is with you women."_

"_Like you men are anything to brag about," she responded._

"_So what's the real problem here, Jo?"_

"_What do you think?" she asked._

_He knew, and she could tell that he knew and he didn't bother to act as though he didn't._

"_You know he's in love with you," he told her._

"_Do I?" she answered, "It isn't like he's ever told me."_

"_Everyone knows he's in love with you."_

"_Everyone but me," she told him._

_Jeff nodded, "Okay, I get it. You want to hear it, but do you really think being here with Charles is going to make that happen?"_

_She shrugged, "I guess I'll find out."_

"_Just go over there and put Jim out of his misery," Jeff told her._

"_Not until he puts me out of mine," she answered_

_He sighed, "You know it's always the friends who suffer in times like these."_

"_Poor you," she replied._

"_Come on, Sassy, let me walk you over there so you and Jim can have some verbal sparing and then kiss and make up and we'll all live happily ever after."_

"_No."_

"_I'd grab a hold of you and shake you until you came to your senses but I'm not sure that dress is allowing you to take in much oxygen."_

_She rolled her eyes, "It's not as tight as it looks."_

_He grinned and reached toward her, "Well in that case."_

"_Don't even think about it," she warned taking a step back, "If you want someone to come to their senses then you better go talk to Jim."_

"_But you're more receptive to sense then he is," Jeff quipped._

"_I can't argue with that."_

"_Then you see it my way," he said._

"_Nope."_

"_Alright, have it your way," Jeff told her, "But be careful."_

"_Careful of what?"_

"_The idiot you came with, he might want something you don't want to give and I've heard he isn't always nice about taking no for an answer."_

"_I don't think he's interested in me enough to warrant taking drastic measures," she answered._

_Jeff's expression was serious as he held her gaze, "Trust me, he'd like nothing more than to put a checkmark next to your name in his ledger, and hating Jim as much as he does probably gives him extra motivation, so be careful, okay?"_

_She nodded, "I can take care of myself."_

_He leaned forward and kissed her cheek, "Alright, I'll go back over there and listen to Jim curse you some more."_

_She laughed, "Maybe you can shake some sense into him."_

"_I may have to," he said with a laugh as he began to walk away, "We can't have you running wild all the time."_

Kate laughed as Johanna finished the story. "It's a shame this party isn't on film somewhere;" she told her mother "It sounds like it was a hell of a night."

Johanna smiled "It was," she replied, "In more ways than one," she thought to herself.

Kate left the table, leaving her alone with her thoughts as they traveled back to that evening, that argument she had with Jim once she had gotten home. She remembered that it had gotten so intense between them they were practically in each others face as they fought and she could still hear herself yelling, _"Why do you even care!" _and his reply of, _"Because I love you damn it!". _She smiled, he hadn't even gave her time to react to those words before he was kissing her senseless. A wave of melancholy swept over her, a longing for those days when everything was easily fixed. Each day that passed without his presence seemed to convince her that it was really over and she didn't know if she'd be able to face him if he ever did come back.

* * *

Jim stood in the room that had been solely his for the past thirteen years but he had never been able to think of it in terms other than 'theirs'. He could hear the rain tapping lightly on the bedroom window as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Rain always made him think of Johanna, as she had been one of those rare souls who enjoyed it. Rain was cleansing, she had told him, but those quiet moments she spent in front of the window on rainy days wasn't the memory that always filled his mind whenever the rain fell.

He remembered a day in July, not long after they had began dating. The weather had been nice and sunny and they had set off on foot with no real destination in mind. They roamed the city, soaking up the warmth and the time with each other but then in the late afternoon, a storm rolled in out of nowhere and they were caught in the downpour. Johanna had thought it was wonderful, he had thought she was crazy. They couldn't catch a cab and had no choice but to walk all the way back to his apartment and she had laughed the entire way, her eyes shining with excitement as her hand slipped into his and soon her laughter became contagious and he was finding the same enjoyment in it that she was.

He smiled, remembering how he had stood in the doorway of the bathroom and drank in the sight of her clad in one of his shirts, her long damp hair laying in loose waves down her back as she stood at the sink ringing out her red summer dress. He remembered her smile as she looked at him and said, _'Wasn't that fun?'_

Jim laughed softly as he heard those words echoing in his mind. He looked around the room at the touches of her that still remained because he had never been able to bring himself to erase her presence from their bedroom. Her jewelry box still sat on the dresser, along with a bottle of her favorite perfume, that from time to time he'd pull the cap off of and inhale its scent, just to remember how she had smelled.

He could open the closet door and see some of her clothes still hanging next to his; he hadn't been able to pack them all away, couldn't stand the thought of not seeing something of hers mixed in with things of his and so her favorite things remained. A pair of heels and a pair of boots still sat on the closet floor. In one of the dresser drawers there was still that dark blue piece of satin that she had called a nightgown; the one she always wore when she wanted to tempt and tease him, the one she had wore that last night they spent together.

She was everywhere in that house, her books still on the shelves, a tube of lipstick and a compact still in one of the bathroom drawers, every picture and knick knack still in the place she had put it. Her mother's recipe book was still in the kitchen.

Memories of the 25 years they had shared were always right there at the surface, waiting to roll through his mind like snapshots of another time and place, a place he desperately wanted to go back to, because without Johanna his life felt empty. All those years ago, before he had met her, he had viewed the world in shades of black and white and grey, but then she had came along and splashed his world with color, teaching him to find joy in everyday things like getting caught in the rain or watching snowflakes tumble from the sky. He had always been attracted to her, she was beautiful and she turned heads wherever she went but as he got to know her it was other things that held his attention and drew him under her spell; her laughter and smile, her intelligence, her sense of humor and her mischievous side, the depths of her heart and her compassion, her fiery nature when she was riled. All of those things had added up to become the one woman he couldn't live without, even if he had been slow in realizing it.

She had always been there for him, even when they were just friends, like that time his father had suffered a heart attack and he hadn't wanted to leave his side during those first few days he was in the hospital, but he had a case to present in court and there was no getting out of it. Johanna cleared her schedule and went and sat with his father while he was gone, so he wouldn't worry, so his mother could stay home and get some rest. She had hardly knew his father back then, but she went anyway, and kept him entertained and calm until he was able to make it back to his side. He still remembered his father looking him in the eye that day and telling him that he better 'hang on to that girl'.

They had their good times and their bad, they made it through career ups and downs, and consoled each other through the loss of parents. They survived Kate's teenage years, which could sometimes throw them into a bit of discord as he always wanted to hang on to her a little to tight, while Johanna wanted to give her a little space and allow her to find herself. They could fight as passionately as they made love. She could turn on the tears and he would crumble. She'd lie next to him some nights, telling him her hopes and dreams and he'd always promise to make them come true.

Johanna wasn't perfect; she had the tendency to be needy, to want more affection than he was sometimes able to give. She could be petty, and she could be jealous if she thought he was giving more than just polite interest to any woman he might come in contact with. There were times when he felt that she got to wrapped up in her work or Katie, times when he felt like he came last. She could nitpick at times, always thought that she was right, and would sometimes let her temper get the best of her and fly off the handle over nothing, but she was always apologetic when she had done something wrong.

No, she wasn't perfect, but when it mattered most, she could be, and those were the memories that filled his heart and mind. Those times when she knew exactly what to say or not say, those moments when her touch was the only thing he needed to erase whatever was wrong; the times when she would just wrap her arms around him and whisper 'I love you'. Three little words always made everything seem better, because as long as Johanna loved him and Katie was happy and healthy and he had the two of them to go home to, then nothing could be so terrible. She made mistakes, but he'd made plenty of his own, because she was right he hadn't been perfect either.

There were times when he had been thoughtless, times when he had been insensitive to her feelings or her mood and had incurred her wrath or had been forced to endure her silences that always spoke of hurt feelings. Sometimes he didn't pick up on those subtle hints that something was wrong. Sometimes he just didn't understand her and didn't put forth an effort to try. No, he hadn't been perfect either and he still carried guilt as a result to some of those occasions.

Like that time when a case took him out of town, leaving her home with a sick four year old. He and his colleagues were six hours away and when the case wrapped up early they all decided to stay on for a three day weekend. No wives and no kids, it sounded perfect and he was all for staying. He called and told her that the case was done but he wouldn't be coming home until Sunday night like planned. She had put up an argument, telling him that he should come home if he was finished, especially with Katie being sick. He grew frustrated with her, telling her he should be allowed to get away for a weekend, that she didn't need him to come home and hold her hand while she gave Kate her medicine.

There had been silence after he made that statement but after a moment her tone was suddenly changed and she told him to stay before hanging up. She didn't bother to tell him that she was sick too. It never even entered his mind that she had been coughing while they argued; he'd been too set on getting what he wanted to notice that something wasn't right with her. When he finally came home, he found her in their bedroom, giving Kate her medicine as she had her tucked in their bed. Johanna was exhausted and running a fever but she shook off his concern and informed him that she wasn't moving Katie back to her own room so he'd have to sleep elsewhere. He knew she was angry and he felt like scum for staying away when she had so obviously needed him.

He sat in a chair all night watching them sleep, taking in the sight of the nightstand that was littered with children's Tylenol and prescriptions, glasses of water and the bottle of cough syrup that she was obviously trying to treat herself with. Each time the alarm went off waking her to give Kate her next dose he offered to take over but she wouldn't hear of it, just like she wouldn't hear of him taking her to the hospital despite how terrible she sounded. Finally at 5 that morning when she had a coughing spell so bad that it took her breath he put his foot down and called his mother to come sit with Kate while he took Johanna to the hospital.

Jim could still remember how much he hated himself as the doctor chastened his wife for waiting so long to come in. Bronchitis, he had told her, and if she had waited another few days it would've been pneumonia. On the way home he told her he'd stay home from work and take care of them both, but she looked him in the eye and said, _"I don't need you to stay home and hold my hand while I take my medicine." _The words he had said to her stung as they were slapped back in his face and he got a taste of how she had felt when she had heard them. He protested, but she told him that she'd allow his mother to stay, and if Johanna was willing to allow his mother to care for her over him it spoke volumes about the depths of her anger…or her hurt as he later came to realize.

He had never gotten over that feeling of guilt, despite the fact that she had eventually forgiven him. It served as a reminder that he hadn't always been there for her when she needed him, that there were times when he had let her down and hurt her.

Like her 40th birthday when all she had wanted was a night out, just the two of them. He was fine with that until she said she wanted to go to the theater and see a show. She knew that he always said no, knew that he had no desire to see plays or musicals. He didn't begrudge her the enjoyment she found in it. He just didn't want to be made to go with her. He bought her the tickets but when he gave them to her two days before her birthday he informed her he wasn't going, she could take Katie with her instead, she would enjoy it, she liked that sort of thing too.

"_Why did you bother to ask me what I wanted if you weren't going to give it to me?" _she had asked him.

"_I got you what you wanted," he had remarked, "I bought you the tickets and I'll take you to dinner. I'm just not going to the show, you know I don't like that stuff. You'll have a better time with Katie."_

"_Is it really so much to ask that you spend a few hours doing something I like?" she asked him._

"_I don't like the theater, Johanna."_

"_And I don't like eating dinner with your mother every other Sunday either, but I do it for you!"_

They argued long into the night about his reluctance to do things with her that she enjoyed, while she always went along with the things he wanted to do, and by the time the sun had came up the next morning she had made up her mind that she would spend her birthday with her daughter, and he could spend the day alone. He had thought that it would blow over but it didn't. She made her plans with Kate, and when the day arrived the two of them set off together for an entire day in the city. When they returned home long enough to drop off their shopping bags and to get ready for their evening out, Kate was bubbling with excitement and had regaled him about their shopping spree and their manicures, and the cake and ice cream they had treated themselves to for lunch, and then after pointing out her new haircut she had looked at Johanna and said, _'Doesn't mom's hair look pretty?'_

The one thing he had always asked Johanna not to do was cut her hair. He loved her long hair, and while she kept it trimmed she had always kept it long, and when Kate mentioned it and he had turned to see that her dark brown hair no longer tumbled down her back, and was instead cut and styled and laying across the tops of her shoulders, he saw red. He accused her of cutting it out of spite; she had turned around and told him that she'd do what she wanted. It wasn't as though the cut looked bad on her, it hadn't, but he hated it. Every time he looked at it, it was if it were some sort of symbol saying that if he couldn't do the one thing she asked of him, then she couldn't do the one thing he asked of her. She never let it grow long again, and she had never asked him to take her anywhere special again either.

Jim pulled open the drawer of the nightstand and took out a small velvet ring box. There had been three rings that Johanna had always wore, her wedding band, her engagement ring, and the gold ring with the emerald setting that her parents had given her when she graduated from law school. He remembered the first time she had told him about her father and her feelings in regards to him; recalled how any time she spoke of her father, she would subconsciously rub her fingers across that ring. It was a reminder, she had told him of the one time she had made him proud, and she had promised Kate that she would pass that ring on to her when she finished law school. When Kate collected her belongings from the police station, she gave him back the wedding band and the diamond engagement ring and kept the ring that had been promised to her.

Slowly he lifted the lid of the box and gazed down at her gold wedding band and the diamond engagement ring. If he could do it over, knowing what he knew now, would he?

Would he give up all of the good times, the fun they had, the laughter, the nights spent making love to her, those quiet moments between them that never needed words. Would he give up the fights and the long conversations about nothing important that could last for hours on end? The nine months he had spent watching her change as she carried their child, the remembrance of their baby kicking beneath his palm; of holding her hand while she delivered their daughter? Could he give up Kate and the joy that had come from watching her grow and learn and become the woman she was now?

Would he really give all of that up just to spare himself some pain? As his thumb brushed across her rings the answer was a resounding 'no'. He couldn't give them up even if he could go back and redo his life. Without Johanna and Kate could he really say that he had lived? No, he didn't think he could, because he couldn't imagine a life without them. He loved his daughter, and he loved his wife, he was angry with her, he was still hurt, but he loved her just as much as he always had and he couldn't give her up, not when he had been given another chance to spend the rest of his life with her. He looked to the side of the bed that had been hers, and was still hers in his mind. He wanted this to be over, he wanted her to come home, but now that he had hurt her he wondered if he put their future in jeopardy.

A knock at the front door startled him and he snapped the lid of ring box shut and sat it on the nightstand.

He made his way downstairs and to the front door, half expecting to find Kate on the other side, but when he opened it he found his best friend Jeff instead. He could tell by the expression on his friend's face that he had a purpose in being there so he allowed him in and they settled down in the living room making small talk until Jeff finally broached the topic that was on his mind.

"What's going on with you, Jim?" he asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not acting right," his friend told him.

Jim laughed, "When have you ever known me to act right, when have you ever acted right, for that matter?" he joked.

Jeff laughed, "Okay, let me re-phrase, you're acting more abnormal than usual."

"Am I?"

"You know you are, now what the hell is going on and don't tell me nothing."

Jim remained silent, the secret he had been carrying around weighing heavily upon him.

"You're not drinking again, are you?" Jeff questioned, allowing his main concern to be aired, knowing that his friend wouldn't hold it against him.

"No," he answered.

"I don't want to have to watch you go through that again. I don't want to have to see Katie go through it again either."

Jim shook his head, "It's nothing like that."

"Is it Katie?" he asked, "Melanie said she saw her at Macy's yesterday so I assume she's fine health wise, but is it something else?"

"Melanie saw Katie at Macy's?" Jim asked.

Jeff nodded, "Yes, she said she talked to her."

"Did she see anyone else with her?" he questioned cautiously.

"She didn't mention anyone," he answered, "Why?"

"I was just wondering."

"Is this about Katie? Is something wrong, is she in trouble?" he asked again.

He shook his head, "No, Katie's fine. She isn't in anymore trouble than her job requires," he answered.

"Then what is it? Something isn't right here. You're in and out more than usual, you're being secretive. You always say you're going to see Katie, but I'm not buying it, especially if nothings wrong with her."

"Is it a crime to visit my daughter?"

"No, but I know that your daughter is occupied by a job that doesn't leave all of this time for socializing with her old man. Are you dating someone?"

"No!" he exclaimed.

"It's alright if you are," Jeff said.

"I'm not dating anyone."

"Then what the hell is it?" he asked, "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

Jim sighed, it seemed as though he'd been in trouble from the day met her and as he looked at his friend he felt the overwhelming urge to tell him, because he was desperate to talk to someone about it. He and Kate were at odds so much about the whole thing that it was hard to discuss it with her, and things were shaky with Johanna even before he opened his mouth and said all of those things he shouldn't. Kate had it easier, she had Rick to talk to, and given her tirade during her most recent visit, he assumed that she was allowing Johanna to confide in her to some extent. He weighed his options, it wasn't as if he was about to blab to a stranger. This was his best friend, the man who was more of a brother to him than his own siblings. He knew his history with Johanna; he'd been there for all of it, had been the best man at the wedding, was Kate's godfather and had stood by them both in the aftermath of losing Johanna. He knew he could trust him with anything and had on occasion but this was different.

"Jim," Jeff said, "Does Katie know about whatever this is?"

He nodded, "Believe me, she knows."

"What is it?" he demanded to know.

He looked him in the eye, "If I tell you this, you have to swear that it goes no further than this room. You can't tell anyone, especially Melanie."

"I don't tell Melanie anything, you know that."

"You can't tell anyone," he repeated.

Jeff looked at him oddly, "Jim, you know you can trust me. That's always been our code, if we ask each other not to say anything than we don't. How bad can this be? We've discussed cases, our wives, our kids, our families. I never told Johanna anything that you didn't want her to know, I've never told Katie anything you don't want her to know. You know me; you know I can keep my mouth shut."

"I know I can trust you Jeff, but this is so much bigger than anything else that I've asked you to keep between us. There's a lot at stake and I have to be careful, and if I tell you, I have to know that you're going to keep it to yourself. You have to swear to me that it stays here."

"I swear," he answered seriously, "I won't tell a soul."

Jim took a breath and made the decision to trust him. "It's Johanna."

"What about her? Her case?"

"No, it's more complicated then that."

"How much more complicated can it be?"

Jim caught his gaze and held it, "You're not going to believe it, so once I start telling you don't say anything to I've finished."

"Okay," Jeff said.

He hesitated for a moment and then he allowed the words to slip from his lips. "She's alive."

Jeff looked stunned and skeptical but he kept his word and stayed silent while Jim told him the whole story, from their reunion to the DNA test, the shooting incident and the threats that had landed her in Kate's guest room and the on going threats of danger. When he finished he stayed quiet as Jeff cursed and asked him to repeat almost everything he had said so he could try to wrap his head around it.

"You're sure it's her?" he questioned in shock.

He nodded, "I told you that Katie had a DNA test done, and besides I think I know my own wife."

Jeff shook his head, "I can't believe it."

Jim took his phone from his pocket and pulled up a picture that he had snapped of Johanna and Kate without their notice, and handed it to him.

"See for yourself."

His friend nodded as he studied the image on the screen, "That's Sassy alright."

Jim smiled at the old nickname Jeff had always used in reference to Johanna. His friend questioned him about Johanna's well being, asked how Kate was coping with the re-appearance of her mother and then got around to asking him how he was handling it.

He let out a heavy breath, "I thought I was doing alright, but I'm not. There's fifty thousand different ways to feel about all of this and I think I've felt them all. I'm relieved, and grateful that she's here, but I'm so damn angry with her for doing this and I end up taking it out on Katie, or taking it out on Johanna in ways I don't mean to. It's a difficult situation to be in, you don't which way the day might go and if your life is still going to be the same when you go to bed that night."

"I'm not going to judge her," Jeff said as he clasped his hands together, "I'm sure she has enough people doing that for her; and I'm sure she's being hard on herself because if there's one thing I remember about Johanna it's that she was always good at beating herself up over things."

"You're right about that," Jim replied.

"She wouldn't have walked away unless she felt she had no other choice," his friend stated, "That's something I'm sure of because I knew her, I know how much she loves you both, I know that if it came down to it, she'd die for either one of you, so I'm not going to judge what she did. Maybe she could've found a better way to handle it but she didn't so there's no point in raking that choice across the coals. What matters now is that she's home."

Jim nodded, "At least in a manner of speaking."

"How have things been between the two of you?" Jeff asked.

"Some days are better than others, but…"

"But what?"

"But I went and made a mess of things," he answered, "I said things I shouldn't have and I hurt her. I haven't seen her in days."

"What did you do?"

He told Jeff about his argument with Kate which had then developed into and argument with Johanna, and he told him about the things that he said to her.

"Are you crazy?" Jeff asked, "You can't say things like that to them!"

"I must be crazy," he replied, "Because I did."

"How could you say that to her? You hated yourself for saying it to me that one time."

"I know," Jim replied, remembering that he had aired those feelings before during a particularly dark moment in his life.

"And you know it's a lie," Jeff told him, "You know you'd always choose Johanna. She's been your girl from the moment you laid eyes on her."

"Who told you that?"

"No one had to tell me, I was there. She smiled at you and you were done for."

Jim laughed, "I fought it."

"And lost."

He turned serious then and brought up the thing that worried him most, "What if I lose her again?"

"None of us are guaranteed to come home at night, Jim," Jeff replied, "Your odds are as good as hers. You could walk out the door today and be in an accident and be gone just like that."

"What's your point?"

"The point is, if that were to happen would you want Jo's last memory of you to be you telling her that you regretted being with her, that you don't know if you'd do it again if you had the choice? Would you want her carrying that around for the rest of her life?"

"No."

"And if, god forbid, something was to happen to her, could you live with yourself knowing that was the last thing you said to her?"

Jim said nothing as his friend continued on. "You know you couldn't," Jeff told him, "Especially when you've spent the last thirteen years trying to remember if you told her you loved her that morning before she got out of the car, that's always ate at you Jim, so I know you couldn't live with this one."

"I know," he replied.

"You know, what's done is done," Jeff stated, "You can't change what she had to do, but she's here and you have that second chance you always wanted, and I get that there are elements at play here that could take it all away, that you're afraid of the happening again, that you're angry, and you have every right to be but you shouldn't waste this opportunity. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her. She's put herself on the front line to be here with you and Katie, to end this thing that destroyed your lives. Don't you think you owe it to each other to find whatever happiness you can together?"

Jim nodded, "You're right, we've had enough time wasted and stolen from us."

"Then why are you still sitting here?" Jeff asked, "Go tell your wife that you'd do it all over again, because we both know you would. Go tell her that you love her."

"I intend to," he answered and then he paused as Jeff rose to leave, "I don't mean to sound as though I doubt your word Jeff, but make sure you keep your promise. Not a word to anyone."

"Jim, Johanna was my friend; I loved her like she was like my little sister. Katie's my goddaughter, she grew up calling me Uncle Jeff, I love her almost as much as I love my own kids. I would never walk out of this house and say or do something that would put them in jeopardy. I wouldn't do that to them, I wouldn't do it to you. You have my word, no one will find out about this because of me."

They said their goodbyes and Jim got ready to go.

* * *

They were half way through dinner when Kate's phone rang. She reached for it, half expecting to see Castle's name on the screen, but found it to be her father instead.

"Hello," she answered.

"Katie, are you home?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm on my way over," he informed her, "I want to talk to your mother."

Kate glanced at Johanna who had continued on with her meal, obviously figuring that it was one of her friends on the phone.

"Okay," she said.

"Can you do me a favor?" Jim asked her.

"Depends on what it is," she told him.

"I don't mean this to sound like I'm trying to run you out of your own home, but I'd appreciate it if you could leave us alone for a little while."

"You want me to leave?" she asked, the statement catching Johanna's attention and bringing her gaze to Kate's face.

"Dad," she mouthed to her, and she paled slightly as she continued to watch her.

"If you don't mind," he was saying in her ear. "I'd take her somewhere to talk to her but I don't think you'll allow that."

"You're right about that," she answered, "But I'll do as you asked."

"Thank you," he told her, "I'm about ten minutes away."

Kate said goodbye and ended the call and then looked to her mother who was now pushing her food around the plate instead of eating it.

"Dad's on his way over," Kate told her; "He wants to talk to you. Alone."

Johanna bit her lip, "Is it good or bad?"

"He didn't say."

"How did it sound?"

"His tone didn't give much away," Kate told her, "All he said was that he was on his way over and he'd appreciate it if I could leave the two of you alone for a little while."

"But you're not going to go, are you?" her mother asked.

She nodded, "Yes, I am."

Johanna shook her head, "Don't leave me alone."

"It's Dad," Kate said, "What are you afraid of?"

"A repeat of the last time we were alone together."

"Don't think that way," she told her.

"I have to," she said as she looked down at the food on her plate, "It might be the conversation that seals the fate of my marriage, this could be the moment when it ends."

"What is it that you think my presence can do about that if that's what he's coming to say?"

Johanna was quiet for a moment and then she looked at her, "It might be easier for me to be strong if you're here."

"You don't need me to be strong," Kate told her, "You've always been strong."

She shook her head as tears glistened in her eyes, "Not always, Katie," she whispered.

"You have to be," she replied, "I've never seen you be anything else."

"That's the thing about strength, Kate. Sometimes you have it in spades and you're able to stand on your own; but other times you're only as strong as the people holding you up at the end of the day."

The statement struck a chord within her, for it was true and she knew that better than anyone. She wasn't always able to rely on her own strength and she had admitted as much to Castle the night before; because the truth was that there were plenty of days when she was strong because he was the one holding her up and that thought made her sympathetic to her mother.

"I'll make you a deal," she told her.

"What kind of deal?"

"I will leave like he asked me to do, but if at some point while the two of you are talking, if it gets too intense, if it starts to look like it's going somewhere that you can't handle on your own, then you call me and I'll come home and face it with you."

"You'd do that for me?" Johanna asked as she struggled against the raw emotions that were swimming back to the surface.

Kate nodded slowly and Johanna took a breath before asking, "Why?"

"Because…you're my," she stopped herself, the wrong word almost tumbling from her lips, and corrected herself, "you're my mother."

Johanna nodded and Kate rose from the table and went and collected her purse and shoes, and then she stepped inside the guest room and picked up Johanna's new shoes and carried them back to the kitchen and handed them to her.

"Are we sneaking out?" her mother asked as she took the shoes.

Kate shook her head, "No, I just thought that maybe you should put them on."

"Why?"

Kate looked her in the eye, "So you remember who you are."

Johanna took a breath and slipped on her heels and gave her daughter a small smile that faded as soon as they heard the knock at the door.

"While I'm out, I'll stock up on everything you need to bake, just in case," she told her before walking out of the kitchen.

Kate answered the door and took note of the rose her father was holding in his hand.

"One rose?" she said quietly as she eyed him, "You couldn't spring for the whole dozen? It's not like you can't afford it."

He smiled at her, "I always bring her a rose when she's mad at me."

"I think this is bigger than a 'one rose' type of screw up, Dad. This one calls for at least one bouquet and probably jewelry."

Her father laughed softly, "Are you really the person who should be giving me relationship advice?"

Kate smirked at him, "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

"Where is she?" he asked.

"In the kitchen, let me get my stuff and I'll go," she told him. He waited in the living room and locked the door once she was gone.

As Jim entered the kitchen, Johanna picked up her plate and got up from the table. He watched her as she scraped the rest of her dinner into the garbage, and then began to stack the dishes in preparation of washing them.

"You could've finished your dinner," he said.

"I'm not hungry," she replied without looking at him.

She filled the sink with soap and water before carefully plunging the dishes beneath the suds. He was out of practice at making amends with her, and so far she hadn't even looked at him, which meant that she hadn't noticed the rose he held in one hand. He stepped towards her, and held it out to her, and waited for her to accept it.

Reflex had her lifting her hand from the soapy water and accepting his offering. He had always brought her a single red rose whenever they had a falling out; even when they were just friends. Her eyes blurred with tears as she stared at it, remembering all of those other times when she had accepted this same gesture.

"Look at me," he said softly.

She didn't turn her head, choosing to keep her eyes glued to the flower she held in her hand. To look at him would be her undoing; she'd crumble as soon as her gaze collided with his and all the work Kate had done to build her up would be for naught. It seemed as though he wasn't giving her a choice however, as his hand slid around her waist and turned her in his direction.

"Look at me," he requested once more, but she stubbornly kept her eyes closed, a part of her unwilling to face him in fear that this could still be the end and she didn't want to see it coming.

He slid his hand around her back, allowing his arm to wrap around her waist and pull her closer to him, but still she didn't look at him.

"You know I'd do it all over again, Jo," he said softly. "You know I would."

She shook her head and then forced her eyes open, "No, I don't know," she replied.

Her answer surprised him and he tightened his hold on her as she tried to move away from him.

"Let me go," she whispered, although a part of her wanted nothing more than to bury herself in his arms and stay there.

"No," he told her.

"Please," she asked, her tone pleading and full of hurt.

Jim held onto her for a moment longer and then reluctantly let her go. She retreated and laid the rose on the table before taking a seat.

He didn't know how to fix this, and it was an odd sensation to feel that way. It was easier in the past, back then he knew what to say, how to get inside her head, how to touch her; but now there was thirteen years between them and she was, in some ways, different. He had called into question their whole life together and now everything hung in the balance and he didn't know where to step or what to do, and that feeling gave him some insight into how Johanna must've been feeling ever since the day she sat in the Captain's office and had been deprived of the family reunion she had been longing for.

It gave him a new sense of admiration in regards to the depths of her strength. She could've turned around and gone back to Wyoming but she hadn't. She allowed him to interrogate her in her hotel room that first night; she didn't hesitate to fulfill Kate's need of proof in the form of a DNA test. She didn't walk away during those awkward moments of silence between them. She didn't give up when Kate refused to answer the phone. She could've ran when that bullet nicked her and the threats began, but she wouldn't hear of it, she wouldn't make the same mistake twice, despite the fear he knew she must feel. She kept trying to break through Kate's tough exterior, she tiptoed around him, shoving her feelings deep down inside because she didn't feel she had a right to address them.

She took only what they offered her, not asking for anything more and he knew that was hard for her. He knew she was holding back that part of herself that craved affection, he saw it all the time, that hungry look in her eyes that spoke of how desperately she wanted to be held and touched and kissed. How badly she wanted to be loved and allowed to bestow her affection upon them. She could've stayed gone, allowed them to continue to believe a lie, but she hadn't, she had come home despite the consequences that had been waiting for her. Johanna was a fighter, she had always been the strong one and as far as he was concerned she still was, because if their roles had been reversed, he would've never survived it.

Slowly, Jim walked around the table and took a seat across from her and reached for her hand as it laid on the table. She didn't retract it from his reach, so he covered it with his own, his thumb caressing her smooth skin, just as he had always done.

"There's not a moment of our life together that I would give up, Johanna," he told her seriously.

The tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back, "But you regret it," she whispered.

Jim shook his head, "I said that sometimes I had regretted it."

"What's the difference?" she asked.

He struggled to find the right words as he kept hold of her hand. "Losing you was like falling into this black hole that I couldn't escape," he said quietly, "It was just this never ending cycle of pain and nothing could make it go away. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat, and I couldn't stop looking at the door as if any moment you would come walking back through it and end the nightmare I was living in."

He paused for a moment, not wanting to tell her how bad it had been. "I didn't know how to go on, Johanna. You were my world and without you I didn't know how to function. I didn't know what to do with Katie; I didn't know how to help her. Broken hearts were your department, I didn't have any idea of how to put her back together; I couldn't even put myself back together. Then came that day when it was just me and her, sitting in that house that just seemed to be so empty without you and neither one of us said a word. We didn't know what to do, we always relied on you to tell us and suddenly you weren't there to do that and we fell apart. Sometime during the evening, Katie went into the office and curled up in your chair and I listened to her cry herself to sleep and then I went and carried her up to her room and put her to bed, and then I went and found a bottle of whiskey and drowned myself in it. I made that a habit, thinking that if I could just take the edge off the hurt, if I could just feel numb for awhile, if I could just forget for a few hours then maybe it would get easier, but it never did."

The tears were falling and she tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let go. "I'm sorry," she cried brokenly, "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are," he told her, "And I'm not telling you this to make you hurt worse, but I just couldn't handle it, Johanna. I couldn't handle a life without you; I would've given anything to take your place. I wanted to die. I couldn't stand to look at Katie, she looked like you, she acted like you, I couldn't stand it and that's a terrible thing to say, and an even worse thing to feel. I couldn't handle her grief. I forced her to go back to Stanford; I practically packed her bags for her and pushed her onto the plane. I thought maybe if she was out of sight, and not there to remind me of you that I would be able to heal, but two weeks later, I came home and found her dragging her suitcases back into the house. She wouldn't stay away, and I still couldn't cope and I was relying more and more on that bottle to help me get through, but sometimes even drinking didn't help, Johanna. There were nights when the pain was just too much and nothing could numb it. I wanted you, I wanted to wake up and find you next to me, I wanted my life back and when that nightmare wouldn't end and I couldn't even drink away your memory, I'd get so angry and I'd hate myself for falling in love with you, for marrying you, for needing you so badly; I'd hate you for leaving me, and in the worst of moments I'd hate Katie for looking like you, or sounding too much like you on the phone and then I'd lay there all night regretting it all, wishing I could go back and do it over so I wouldn't have to hurt so much but I never meant it, Johanna. It was the grief, and the alcohol, and the helplessness."

She was sobbing, her face hidden behind the hand that she had free and he wished that he didn't have to tell her those things but he had no choice.

"I couldn't stop grieving for you," he told her, "Even after I stopped drinking, I still grieved. I learned how to deal with it but it's never gone away and then you came home and threw my emotions into a tailspin again. I told you that first night that I was relieved, and I am, Jo. I am so relieved that you're here in front of me, but I'm angry with you. I've never been so angry with you and then there is the anger I have in regards to myself."

She forced herself to take a breath so that she could speak, "Why are you angry at yourself?" she asked softly.

"Because ever since you've come back, I've been thinking of those last days we spent together and I realized that there were signs that something was wrong and I brushed them aside."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You were being too quiet, Jo," he remarked, "You were acting like everything was fine but it wasn't, and back then I passed it off as being tired from the holidays, that you were upset that Katie would be going back to school. You kept procrastinating about taking down the Christmas decorations; you were lingering at the table and in the car. You were hugging Katie every time she walked past you. You were following me around the house, and then that last night," he said and he paused to swallow the lump in his throat and he looked to her and saw the anguish on her face.

"That last night," he said again, "I was going to ask you what was bothering you but then you came to bed in that blue satin nightgown and made it clear that all you wanted was to be made love to, and all thoughts of asking you what was wrong went out the window. I laid you down and made love to you, Johanna, figuring that nothing serious was wrong, that I must've been neglecting you in some way and that all you needed was my undivided attention. I still remember that it was 3:30 in the morning when I woke up to the sound of you crying. You told me you had a nightmare."

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut. He didn't have to tell her about that night, she remembered it all, every single detail. She remembered telling him she had a nightmare, it was the first lie she told that day. She didn't have a bad dream; she hadn't even been to sleep yet that night. She had laid there in his arms, wide awake, wishing that morning wouldn't come, wishing that she could just tell him but fear had kept her silent and she had been hit hard by the thought that it would be the last night she shared with him and the tears had started to fall, she had tried to be quiet but she failed and woke him and she lied when he asked what was wrong, but then again, maybe it hadn't been a lie, she had been facing a real life nightmare that she saw no escape from.

"You wouldn't tell me what it was about," Jim continued on, "You just begged me to make you forget."

"I know," she cried softly.

"And I let it go," he replied, "I made you forget, or at least I thought I had back then, but now I know that you didn't forget, because the nightmare you had wasn't one you dreamed, it was the one we were all going to be forced to live with."

"I'm sorry," Johanna whispered, even though it seemed redundant to do so, but she didn't know what else to say.

"Then when we were in the car that morning, outside your office, things still seemed to be off with you, but again, I brushed it aside, figuring I'd just give you a bit more attention, that I'd talk to Katie and tell her to spend more time with you before she went back to school. I knew something was wrong, Johanna, and I didn't put forth the effort to find out what it was."

"You didn't know," she replied, "You didn't know it was something bad, you can't blame yourself for that."

"Yes I can," he answered, "I knew you. I knew the difference between how you acted when it was small things bothering you and when it was something bigger. I convinced myself that it was trivial things back then; although all the signs were there that it was something more. If I had made the effort to find out what it was, if I had kept after you about it, you would've told me, Johanna. I know you would've, but I didn't try and that made it easy for you."

Johanna shook her head, "There was nothing easy about it. I didn't like lying to you. I wanted to tell you, I almost did when we were in the car but I was too afraid. It never got easier, every year away from you was harder than the one before. I grieved too, Jim. I know you won't believe that, because like you said before you thought I was dead, while I knew you were alive, but that didn't keep me from mourning. I couldn't see you, I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't be with you and I grieved, because I had lost you both, because in a lot of ways it felt as if a death had occurred."

He nodded and held on to her hand a little tighter, "I never meant to make you feel like your pain didn't compare to ours. I know you had to hurt too, that you suffered and had to go through it alone."

"I didn't think I'd make it," she cried, "There were moments when I didn't want to, moments when I wished that I had died because I couldn't take the pain and the loneliness. I kept trying to tell myself that it would get easier but it never did. I was always locked in this endless cycle of regret and misery and I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. There is a box full of letters stashed in that house, letters I've written to you and Katie because sometimes it gets so unbearable that I just have to let it out in some way. I pour out all of those feelings into those pages, trying to keep from drowning in the sorrow."

"Will you give them to me one day?" he asked her.

She swiped at her cheeks and nodded, "If you want them."

"Of course I do," he replied before pausing and then dragging them back to his original topic. "I never meant to say those things to you, Johanna. There were moments when I felt that way but I already told you why. I never wanted you to know that I had ever thought of those things, because it isn't the way I really feel. I would marry you all over again; I don't regret our life together. I don't wish for a moment that I had never met you, because without you, I don't know where I'd be, but I know it's a place I wouldn't like. I'm relieved that you're here, but there's still danger and I'm terrified that something will take you away again. I can't go through it again, Johanna. I can't."

She flinched and lowered her head as her eyes closed. Something about that statement struck her as the beginning of the statement she feared the most and she tried to steel herself for it, tried to speed it up and make it easier for both them by saying, "I understand."

He was puzzled for a moment as he studied her, "You understand what?" he asked.

"Why you can't be with me," she answered.

"I didn't say that," he told her.

"You're going too," she replied, "And I understand."

"Johanna, look at me," he demanded.

"I can't," she said as she crumbled once again, "I can't look at you while you say it. I don't blame you, but I can't watch it end. I already had to do that when I left, and I can't do it again."

He rose from his seat and moved around the table, pulling out the chair next to her, as her cries intensified.

"It's not over, Johanna. It's not over," he told her as he pulled her hands away from her face.

"Then why does it feel like it is?" she asked as she fought to regain control of herself but lost, her tears falling rapidly, and the sobs wracking her frame.

"Because we're in this terrible mess, and you're vulnerable and I had to go and say something stupid and make it all worse. I'm not leaving you, Johanna. You're my wife and my place is with you and that's where I'm going to be."

"Why?" she asked, "Why are you staying? How can you want to after what I've done? How can you stay not knowing how it will end?"

He wiped her cheeks and held her face between his hands. "Because I want you to come home, because it doesn't matter what you've done, we can work through it, because I have faith that Katie will find a way to end this and that we'll all come out of it; and most of all because I love you, Johanna."

She looked skeptical and it killed him, he had planted the seeds of doubt in her mind and now he had to convince her that he meant what he said. He released her and pulled the ring box from his pocket and held it out to her.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Something that belongs to you," he answered.

Her hands shook as she accepted the small velvet box and she hesitated before lifting the lid. Her breath caught as she gazed down at her wedding rings, and she looked up at him, unsure of what to say or how to react.

"You don't have to put them on right now," he told her, "You can wait until you're convinced that I mean what I say, that I'm not going anywhere, that I love you and I want us to work things out."

She reached for him and he pulled her from her seat and into his lap, holding her as she cried against his shoulder. "I love you," she whispered.

"I know," he told her, "I've never doubted that."

"I just want to go home," she cried as she held onto him, "I just want to go home with you."

"You will," he promised.

He held her until her tears were spent and then allowed her to move away as the awkwardness set in between them. They made small talk until Kate came home and then he left, promising to be back the next day.

At the end of the evening when she and Kate retreated to their rooms for the night, she paused in the doorway of her room and looked across the hall at her daughter.

"There's something I want to say to you, and I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm going to tell you anyway," Johanna said softly.

"What?" Kate asked.

"I love you," she told her.

Kate shifted her gaze away for a moment and then said quietly, "I know."

"Do you?"

She nodded, "Yes."

"I don't ever want you to doubt it," Johanna said.

"I'll try not to," Kate told her before whispering goodnight and closing her door.


	19. Chapter 19

_Authors Note: I know, it's severely overdue thanks to real life getting in the way but here it is, and danger's return is near, you'll see how near once you've finished reading. Hope you all enjoy this one!_

Chapter 19 – Daughters

'_Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love as you do, girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too – John Mayer_

Nearly a week later, Kate stood in front of her mirror, taking a little extra time with her hair and makeup, telling herself that she was only doing it because she felt good about herself, and not because she was making herself look good for a certain writer. She was just feeling confident, she told herself, she knew that the chances were good that she'd be closing the case they had been working. She felt good about where she was in her relationship with Castle, she felt more relaxed and comfortable around her mother now that they had their deal in play. That was all this was; she felt good so she wanted to look good too.

"Do you always primp this much when you're about to close a case or is it for Rick's benefit?" Johanna asked as she stood in the doorway of Kate's bedroom, watching her swipe mascara across her lashes.

"I'm not primping," she answered, wishing she hadn't left the door open when she had gone to put on her makeup.

"Yes you are," her mother said with a laugh, "I've noticed that the last several mornings you've been spending a little more time in front of the mirror."

"I have not."

"Yes you have," Johanna replied, "I think you're trying to impress someone."

Kate rolled her eyes as she tamed an unruly strand of hair. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She laughed, "Sure you do. You're making yourself pretty for Rick."

Kate turned to her, "First of all, I am not," she remarked, "And who are you to talk? You've put your hair up, you've put on some lip gloss, and you're wearing a dress."

"I put my hair up because it was in my face and bothering me," she replied, "And I have always liked to wear summer dresses and you know it."

Kate nodded as she smirked, "Funny, I haven't seen you in a dress up until now, and your hair hasn't bothered you until now, and I notice you've avoided the topic of the lip gloss completely."

"I haven't worn a dress yet because I hadn't felt like it," her mother countered, "And besides, I just bought this one when we went to Macy's. As for my hair, it was annoying me and I put it up, and I always wear lip gloss."

"A long time go," Kate told her, "But since you've been here, you don't put it on before breakfast, sometimes you don't put it on at all."

Johanna smirked at her, "What's your point, Katherine?"

She grinned, "I think you're the one doing the primping. I think you're dressing up for Dad."

"Why would I do that?" Johanna asked as she tried not to smile.

"Maybe you want to look pretty for him," she teased.

"Like you want to look pretty for Rick," her mother countered with a teasing grin of her own.

"Why did you come in here?" she asked her.

Johanna laughed, "I was going to ask you something, but I've changed my mind."

"Why is that?" she asked suspiciously.

"Because you'll accuse me of more primping."

Kate laughed, "You want to borrow my mascara?"

She laughed and ducked her head shyly.

"Oh my god, you do want my mascara," Kate said as she laughed at her mother's expression.

"Let's just forget all about it," she replied.

"Oh no," her daughter stated as she held the tube of mascara out in her direction, "You started this conversation, now you deal with it."

"That's cruel, Katie," she told her as she chuckled.

"Come on," Kate beckoned, "I'll let you use it."

Johanna walked the rest of the way into the room and took the tube from Kate's hand. "I wouldn't have asked but I ran out of my own."

She smirked as she watched her mother lean close to the mirror and swipe the mascara across her lashes. "Anything else you need?" she teased her, "Eyeliner? Eye shadow? Nail polish?"

Her mother glared at her playfully as she handed back the tube of mascara. "I don't like eyeliner, and I don't wear eye shadow much anymore."

"What?" Kate asked, "Miss I can't leave the house if I don't have on my mascara and eye shadow has dropped half of her routine?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Wow," Kate stated, "That means hell has frozen over and I didn't even hear about it."

"It was in all the papers," her mother quipped.

"I must've been busy that week."

"Sorry you missed it."

"So why did you give it up?" Kate asked.

"I haven't given it up completely," Johanna answered, "I just don't wear it as much as I used to."

"Why?"

She smirked as she looked at her daughter, "I thought we went through your 'why' phase when you were three."

Kate grinned, "I decided to take it up again."

"Lucky me."

"So are you going to answer me or are you going to do that 'I don't know honey, go ask your father', thing."

Johanna laughed, "I only did that when I ran out of answers to give you."

"You mean when you were tired of answering," she replied.

"That's not true."

"I'm still waiting for my answer."

She shifted for a moment, and then spoke quietly. "I always wore make-up because I had to look nice for my job, but on the other hand I did it to make myself feel good, and to look good for my husband; and then I didn't have that anymore. I still wore some make-up because I had a job, but I didn't care anymore, I didn't feel good about myself and eye shadow wasn't going to change that and your father wasn't there to say the things he used to say to me so I figured why bother."

"So is this for your benefit or his?" Kate asked as she gestured towards her mother's outfit and the extra care she had taken with her make-up.

"I don't know," she said hesitantly, "Both?"

"What's wrong?" she asked her, because obviously something was still nagging at her.

"It's just still…awkward in some ways between me and him."

"Why?"

Johanna sighed as she shifted her gaze away from the mirror, "Because even though he has apologized and said that he didn't mean what he said…it's still there, you know?"

"Yeah," she replied, "I get it, once it's been said it sticks in your mind even if it wasn't meant."

Her mother nodded, "I just can't make it go away, and I want to. I want to feel better about it and put it behind me, and I'm trying and I know your father is trying to prove to me that he didn't mean it, but it's hard."

"It'll get better," Kate told her, "You just have to get back in sync, or wait for him to say or do the right thing that convinces you."

"That sounds terrible doesn't it?" Johanna asked.

"Why is that terrible?"

"Because, it's not all his fault. I'm the reason he said it, so I shouldn't expect him to do something to make me feel better."

"And people think I'm complicated," Kate said with a sigh.

"Now you can tell them where you get it from," Johanna remarked.

She laughed lightly, "Listen, it's not wrong in my opinion for some part of you to want a gesture or a word that proves it to you or makes you feel better about what went down between the two of you that day."

"But I don't even know what it is that I need, Kate."

"Who does?" she replied, "You'll know when you get it."

Her mother shifted from foot to foot in agitation, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing, Katie," she said as she lifted her hands to her hair, ready to pluck the pins from it and give up but Kate pulled her hands away.

"Leave your hair alone," she told her, "he'll think you're beautiful like always."

She had no sooner said that when a knock sounded on the door.

"Must be your date," Kate teased as she nudged her before walking away.

Kate let her father in and then she left for work, leaving Johanna to fend for herself in the small talk that constituted her conversations with her husband these days. She found that she had to keep busy in order to maintain some type of control over herself and her emotions, so she busied herself with reading the newspaper and cleaning the kitchen and then she eventually made the decision to dust the living room although Jim told her that he didn't think Kate would approve.

She paid no heed to his argument and he followed her into the living room wondering what he was going to do with her. The talk he had with Johanna and the apologies that he had made to her had lifted a weight from his shoulders but there was still awkwardness between them, the sting and effects of those statements he had made were still lingering and it made Johanna a bit shy and hesitant in his presence. Everyday he went to Kate's apartment and sat with her, trying desperately to draw her back out of her shell. He hated that she seemed slightly uncomfortable with him now, that she only seemed truly at ease when Kate was present. She wasn't ignoring him, or rebuffing his efforts at trying to rebuild their closeness, and she was wearing her wedding rings on a chain around her neck, but he could see the clouds of doubt that lingered in her eyes and it killed him, but he wasn't giving up on her and as he watched her work her way around to the bookshelves as she cleaned he broached the topic of their daughter figuring it would be the one thing she would speak of without hesitation.

"Things seem to be going better between you and Katie," Jim remarked.

"We made a deal," she answered.

"A deal?"

She nodded but didn't offer any details which made him somewhat suspicious of this deal they had hatched between them. "What kind of deal?" he questioned.

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she neatly replaced a row of books on one of the shelves. "We agreed that in order to get along and live comfortably with one another; that we wouldn't talk about certain things."

"What things?"

She cast a glance at him before moving to the next shelf. "We agreed not to talk about…Wyoming."

"Johanna," he said with a shake of his head.

"What?"

"You just handed her the golden ticket," he remarked.

She turned her attention back to him, "Meaning what?"

"Meaning you handed her the kind of deal that she likes best; because if there is one thing that Katie loves to avoid it's talking about things. You tell her that she doesn't have to talk about something and she's all for it."

She shrugged, "I didn't say that we would never talk about it, I just told her that we didn't have to talk about it now."

"Johanna, she'll never let you talk about it now. She'll use this deal as her excuse to avoid it forever."

Her defenses were rising but she tried to remain calm. "It doesn't matter right now; all that matters is that she and I have found a way to peacefully co-exist while in this situation. We're doing better, she's talking to me more, and she's letting her guard down a bit more."

"How did this deal come about anyway?" he asked.

"We had a good weekend together," she answered as she went about her task, refraining from telling him the details of their shopping trip and their stay with Castle.

"I think you're leaving out part of the story," Jim stated as he shifted in his chair to get a better view of her face. She didn't respond to that comment so he assumed that she and Kate must've had some sort of bonding experience.

"How long do you think this is going to last, Jo?"

"What?" she asked, "We're doing fine."

"For now," he told her, "But how long have you had this deal?"

She sighed, "Almost a week."

"It's not going to last," he repeated.

"How do you know?" she asked sharply.

Jim looked at her, "Because I know you, and I know her, and eventually someone is going to say the wrong thing about the wrong blacklisted topic and it will snowball and explode."

"You don't know that that will happen," she argued.

"You don't know that it won't."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him, "All I know is that for now it's working."

"The key words in that statement are 'for now', Johanna."

She knew he was right on some level but she didn't want to hear it. She was carefully and cautiously re-building the bond between herself and her daughter and she felt protective of that process and small amount of progress that had been made and she didn't want anyone threatening it.

"Look," Johanna said firmly, "This deal is what's best for me and Katie and that's how it's going to be. We're fine with it."

"It's going to be a mistake in the long run."

"Well I don't care what you think," she responded tartly, "It's between me and my daughter."

"Your daughter?" he said with a short laugh, "I thought she was ours."

"You know what I mean."

He nodded, "I think you're telling me to mind my own business."

"I guess I am."

"Problem is," he replied, "You're both my business."

"That may be," she answered, "But that doesn't give you the right to rock the boat once I get it into calmer waters."

"I'm not trying to do that, Jo. I'm just saying that this deal isn't going to last and eventually there will be a problem."

"Then I will deal with it when it happens!" she exclaimed, "But for now just let me enjoy it, okay? I feel like I have a little piece of my daughter back and I'd like to hang on to that feeling for a while."

Jim was quiet as she sprayed furniture polish onto the shelf and then took her cloth across the surface, wiping away the dust and polishing the wood.

"It's only going to make it harder later," he explained gently, "She'll push you away and you'll get hurt again."

"Again?" she questioned, "You say that like I could possibly hurt more than I already do now. Right now I have something with her and that's better than nothing especially with the way things are right now, so just let me have it. I don't want to hear anymore about it, I shouldn't have even told you."

"Johanna," he began to say.

She turned her gaze towards him, "Let it go," she said sharply.

He took in the stubborn set of her jaw and the fiery look in her narrowed green eyes and he had to force himself not to smile. He had wanted her to act like herself and without meaning to he had provoked her temper and suddenly a facet of his wife's true nature was on display and he loved it.

He gave her a casual nod, admitting surrender in regards to the argument, knowing that she would only give him one warning to step back across the line he had apparently crossed before she lost her temper. If things had been on more stable ground between them he might've been tempted to egg her on, but things were still shaky and he backed down, settling back in his chair to watch her attack her project.

He smiled then as he gazed at her, her hair pinned up and that stubborn look still on her face. She was beautiful when she was riled, and that rose colored summer dress she had on reminded him of the dress she had been wearing the first time he had kissed her. He was tempted to cross the room and pull her away from her task and remind her of that night, but he held back. She didn't like to be kissed when she was annoyed with him. He had learned that the hard way a long time ago.

She said nothing as she carried on with her work but he kept his gaze trained on her, giving her his full attention. She reached the shelf that housed the 'Richard Castle Collection' as he called it in his mind. He was surprised that Katie displayed them so prominently given Rick's teasing nature, but they were all there on the middle shelf, seemingly proclaiming that the books were her favorite, and perhaps a subtle hint that the author was her favorite too.

"You better be careful with those," Jim said to his wife as she plucked the books from the shelf.

"I know," she replied, "One wrong move with these and I'd probably find myself looking at her gun."

He laughed lightly, "I doubt it would come to that, but she wouldn't be happy."

She smiled as she cleaned the shelf and then she picked up a clean cloth and began to wipe off the dust jackets of each book and put it back into its proper place. At the end of stack were the Nikki Heat novels and her fingers lingered against their covers, curiosity pulling at her to open them and see if they had been signed.

"Thinking of being nosy?" her husband teased.

Johanna smirked at him, "Did you come over here today with the intent to annoy me?"

Jim grinned at her, "No, it just turned out that way. Am I doing a good job at it?"

"Very," she answered.

"I notice that you avoided my original question," he remarked.

"What?"

"Were you thinking about being nosy and opening those books to see what Rick wrote to her?" he asked, his eyes gleaming as he teased her.

"No."

Jim laughed, "Yes you were."

She rolled her eyes, "Alright so I thought about it, but I didn't do it," she stated as placed the books in question onto the shelf.

"Only because I called you out on it."

"That's not true at all. I wasn't going to look."

"Sure you weren't."

"Do you know what he wrote to her?" she asked.

Jim laughed, "Do you really think Katie would tell me what Rick wrote in those books when he gave them to her?"

She shrugged, "No, but it didn't hurt to ask."

"You were just hoping I knew so you could trick me into telling you and ease your curiosity."

"Stop it," she told him lightly, "If you're not going to be nice you can just go home."

He grinned at her mischievously, "Come on over here, I'll be nice to you."

She smiled, "No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm familiar with that tactic," she told him with a laugh.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked her.

Her phone rang before she could reply and she grabbed it from the stand knowing that it was Kate calling to check in.

"Hello," she answered.

"Hey," Kate replied, "How is everything."

"I'm fine," she told her, "I'm dusting your living room although your father seems to think you'll have a problem with that."

"Why?"

"I don't know," she replied, "You'd have to ask him; He probably thinks that you'd take it as a criticism of your housekeeping skills, which of course it's not. I just get bored and need something to occupy myself with."

"I don't expect you to be my maid," Kate told her, "But if you want to do it, go for it, I don't care."

"Thank you," her mother replied, "Did you close your case?"

"Yes, I did," she answered.

"Good."

"You sure everything's okay?" she asked her.

"Your father is annoying me," Johanna told her.

"That's nothing new," Kate replied, "He's been known to annoy you on occasion."

"That's true."

"You probably knew he had that trait before you married him."

Johanna laughed, "You're right, I knew what I was getting into."

Kate chuckled, "So why did you do it?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," she answered lightly, "After all I went through a lot of trouble to get to that point."

"I know you're talking about me," Jim said, his voice carrying from the background and both Kate and Johanna laughed.

"See how smart your father is Katie," Johanna said, "He figured that out all on his own."

Castle couldn't help but laugh along with Kate as Jim made an indignant remark on his own behalf.

"You must have an audience on your end of the line too," her mother remarked.

"I'm driving," Kate told her, "I have you on speaker phone."

"Hello Rick," Johanna replied.

"Hello Johanna," he returned, "Have you spent all of your winnings yet?"

She laughed, "No, I'm saving that for when I go out with your mother."

"Where are you going?" Jim questioned.

"Martha and I have plans for a girl's night out sometime in the future," she told him.

Jim shook his head, "I don't know if I like the sound of that."

"I don't think it sounds good either," Castle commented.

"Well lucky for me and your mother, we're both over the legal age and don't need anyone's permission."

"But I'm your husband," Jim protested.

"You should take Kate with you when you go," Castle said, "She can make sure the two of you stay out of trouble."

"What's the fun in that?" Johanna asked.

"Are you saying I'm not invited to girl's night out?" Kate asked in mock offense.

"Well how are we supposed to talk about the two of you if you're sitting there with us?" Johanna asked.

"See," Castle said as he glanced at Kate, "I told you it didn't sound like a good idea."

"Yeah," she agreed, "It sounded innocent at first but now I see that they have ulterior motives."

"No we don't," her mother replied, "We'll talk about our things besides you."

"Make sure you do," Kate told her.

"We wouldn't have to talk about the two of you at all if…"

"Has Dad paid you any compliments today?" Kate asked, cutting her off midsentence.

Johanna laughed, "That was smooth, Kate."

"I thought so," she replied, "But as he noticed your efforts today?"

"No," she said somewhat flatly.

"So much for your primping," Kate teased.

"That wasn't nice," Johanna countered, "Now you're going to have to pay. Rick, doesn't Katie look pretty today?"

He cast a glance at her and saw the blush spreading across her cheeks and grinned, "She's beautiful everyday," he answered.

"I agree," Johanna replied, and Kate breathed a sigh of relief thinking that was the end of it but her mother spoke once again. "She spent a little extra time on herself this morning though, I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you complimented her for it."

"I thought she looked even more stunning than usual," Castle teased.

"It's the eye shadow," her mother quipped mischievously.

"Detective Beckett," Castle said in amusement, "Were you primping this morning? Is that what you girls are up too?"

"I was not," she declared, "My mother was."

"She was too," Johanna remarked, "We were both at the same mirror."

Castle laughed, "I wish you would've taken pictures," he stated, "I would've liked to have seen this."

"Don't go giving her ideas," Kate told him, "And I wasn't doing anything that I don't do everyday."

Johanna laughed, "Don't believe her, Rick."

His eyes sparkled merrily as she pulled into a parking space, "You don't have to make all of this effort for my benefit."

"I didn't," she told him, "I did it because after work today I'm going to go put myself up for adoption and I want to look nice for my new parents."

Johanna burst into laughter, and Jim who was still watching her, smiled at the sound.

"You can't put yourself up for adoption, Katie," she teased, "We have too much invested in you."

"If she's adopting herself out," Jim said, "I want back the money I spent on tuition."

"No refunds," Kate replied, "You two had me, you two foot the bill."

Johanna switched her phone to speaker and relayed the message to Jim.

"I don't think I should be held accountable," he told her, "It was your mother's fault."

"What do you mean it was my fault?" Johanna asked, "You were there too."

"I don't want to hear this!" Kate exclaimed.

"You were the one who got pregnant," Jim stated, "Not me."

Castle laughed, "That's a good point Jim."

"I thought it was."

"That's it," Kate said, "I'm done. I was going to be nice and bring you a milkshake but now I'm not."

Johanna sighed, "Well that just ruins my whole day," she said dramatically, "I'm devastated."

"You can tell she's been hanging around my mother," Castle said to Kate.

She nodded and then addressed her mother, "Well I'm going inside and get myself a milkshake, I'll think about you and how you're not getting one."

"That's not nice," she replied, "I'm really upset now."

"Come over here," Jim said, "I'll console you."

"Oh god," Kate said, "I'm definitely hanging up now."

"Don't worry," her mother replied, "He's been trying to get me to come over there all morning and I'm still on the other side of the room."

"Are you playing hard to get?" Castle teased.

"Don't answer that," Kate said, "I don't want to know, just stay off my couch."

"Katie!" she exclaimed.

Kate laughed, "Goodbye."

"I hope your milkshake is lousy," Johanna said.

"I hope Dad keeps annoying you."

"Ladies, let's say goodbye nicely," Castle said in amusement.

"Goodbye, Rick," she remarked before saying, "Goodbye Katherine."

"Goodbye Johanna," Kate said in unison with Castle.

"Don't call me that!" she protested as Kate cut off the call.

Her phone rang back and she was tempted to let it go to voicemail but she answered it just to see what her mother would say.

"Missed our sparkling conversation already?" Kate asked.

"You know why I called back," Johanna stated.

She decided to play dumb, "You wanted to apologize for those primping remarks?"

"No, it's about what you called me and you know it."

"It's not like I called you Meg," Kate told her.

"Katie."

"Alright," she relented, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, what?" her mother stated, wanting to see if she could get a better name choice out of her.

"I'm sorry, I won't call you Meg or Johanna," she responded.

Johanna sighed, "Go eat your lunch."

"Don't push," Kate said quietly.

"I didn't mean too."

They said their goodbyes again and she and Castle got out of the car and headed into Remy's.

* * *

"You never answered my question," Jim said to Johanna after she placed her phone back on the stand.

"What question?"

"I asked you what you meant by saying you were familiar with my tactics," he reminded her, wanting to keep their conversation light.

"It meant that I know when you are trying to trick me for your own selfish gain," she said with a laugh.

"I've never tricked you," he replied with a grin.

She cast him an amused glance, "You keep telling yourself that."

"I've always left the trickery up to you, Johanna McKenzie."

"That's Johanna Beckett to you," she remarked with a coy smile.

He laughed, "I remember the wedding."

She laughed with him, "That was an entertaining day, wasn't it?" she said, "My sister was late, Jeff was boasting about winning the office pool, your mother was dressed in black, telling you not to do it, and my father, right before he was about to walk me down the aisle turned to me and said 'Thank god this day is here, I was starting to think we'd never get you married off, Johanna,'."

Jim shook his head, "Don't think about Frank," he told her, "It just upsets you."

"How can I not think about him?" she asked, "He was my father, that's like telling Katie not to think about you."

"No, it's not like that at all," he replied, "Katie and I have a good relationship, Frank wasn't a good father to you, and that was his loss."

Johanna sighed heavily, "It's a terrible thing to say but a part of me is glad that he's not here to see the mess I'm in now. I can just imagine what he'd say, probably all of his favorites rolled up into one long tirade. 'You don't have the sense god gave a goose, Johanna, I don't believe I've ever seen a girl act as foolishly and stupid as you do. Sometimes I don't even know how it's possible that you're my blood…"

"Jo, stop," Jim told her, interrupting the flow of memories of those harsh words.

She squeezed her eyes shut and bit the inside of her cheek, willing those words and memories away.

"Why are you thinking about those things?" Jim asked, "It's not necessary to torture yourself with those words that you never deserved to hear."

She gathered up her cleaning supplies, her work down, and began to move across the living room but Jim reached out and snagged the skirt of her dress and stopped her.

"Why are you thinking about Frank and letting those words get to you again?" he asked.

Johanna held his gaze, "Why do you think?" she asked softly, before she carefully moved away, the fabric of her dress slipping from his fingers.

He allowed her to go, listening as she moved around the kitchen, putting away the cleaning supplies and washing her hands.

He knew why she was thinking of Frank McKenzie, it was because of the way she felt about herself. She felt like a failure, a disappointment, unworthy. Those feelings always invoked the memory of her father, as he had been the one to drill them into her soul. Jim allowed memories of his father-in-law to float through his mind. Frank was in some respects, a good man, he was a good father to his son, but when it came to his daughters, Johanna in particular, he was severely lacking. He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen his father-in-law show affection towards Johanna, moments when he'd said kind words or had seemed the least bit proud of her were few and far between. He never understood it, he never approved of it, and when Frank stepped over the line Jim was always waiting at her defense to push him back across it.

If Johanna's mother hadn't seemed so far from the type that would have an affair, he would've wondered if perhaps Johanna wasn't Frank's child, because it was the only logical reason for so much dislike and bitterness towards her, but Naomi was devoted to him and he couldn't see her being involved in something as sordid as an affair that produced another man's child. There was just something about Johanna that didn't mesh with Frank and he didn't bond with her, and nothing she ever did to encourage their relationship to grow or expand worked. It always remained full of tension and bitterness and hurt on her side. When he had been sick and dying, Johanna went to see him everyday, but the gesture didn't seem to be appreciated.

Jim could still remember the day when Frank had died, how Johanna had sat in their room dry eyed and asking him why it was that she wasn't crying. He remembered telling her that she had knew the moment was coming, that she had been prepared for it, that the emotions would come later. She hadn't believed him and neither had he, because truthfully he felt that Frank had beaten her down so much that she was numb in regards to him.

At the graveside she had stood stoically beside him, her fingers gripping his arm tightly as she kept her other hand on eight year old Kate's shoulder. Still no tears fell, and while he had been out of earshot, her brother told her she was a heartless bitch. Jim's jaw tightened as he thought of Frank Jr., who was in all respects his father's son, right down to the way he treated his sister, and they had words over that behavior many times.

It drove her crazy that she couldn't cry for her father, she kept telling him that it was wrong, something must be wrong with her if she couldn't mourn him. He had held her and tried to comfort her but those days after Frank's death kept her in a constant state of agitation, and every time he looked at her she was subconsciously rubbing the stone of that emerald ring until he thought she'd rub it right of the setting. The weeks passed and still there was nothing and then the will was read, her mother and brother inherited almost everything, with the exception of 5,000 dollar trust funds that had been set up for each grandchild which they would gain control of at the age of 21. Johanna and her sister were given a mere 2,000 dollars each, and Johanna's brother had protested that Johanna deserved nothing when she couldn't even show any emotion about their loss.

She told her brother she didn't want or need the money, she told him he could have it, that she'd gladly sign it over to him which of course he had been all for, but her mother put her foot down and so did Jim and between the two of them they forced Johanna to accept her inheritance. Frank had also written a letter to his wife, one to his son, one to his youngest daughter, and one to each grandchild to be given to them when they received their trust fund, but there was no letter for Johanna, and he could tell how crushed she had been.

That night he sat in their bedroom watching her as she sat at her vanity putting lotion on her hands. She picked up her rings to slip them back on her fingers, but the emerald ring she had received for graduation slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor. She scrambled to grab it and once she had it in her hand she had looked down at it and burst into tears. Frank had been dead for six weeks at that point. He remembered going to her, gathering her up in his arms and holding her while she cried for hours, that ring fisted in her hand. He remembered that somewhere between her sobs she had admitted how hurt she was not to receive a letter, how she didn't want the money, she just wanted his words, even if they were harsh. She had wanted acknowledgement, and he had taken that from her, and the next morning she took the 2,000 dollar check to the bank and deposited it in Kate's college fund. She wanted nothing to do with it.

Jim glanced out into the kitchen, watching as she made herself busy at the counter. He always told her not to think of her father because he was always at a loss of how to take away her pain in relation to him, but he knew that it was easier said then done, that no matter how old Johanna was or how many years passed, there was always going to be that part of her that was still a little girl, forever trying to understand why her father didn't love her the way he should have.

Those thoughts made him think of their own situation, how those clouds of doubt were still lingering in her eyes in relation to him and it strengthened his resolve to fix things. He didn't want to be the same class with Frank, he never wanted her to doubt that he loved her; he didn't want to let her down. He just had to think of the right way to prove that to her, he had to remember what gesture she would take to heart the most.

* * *

They were half way through lunch when Kate sighed as she dipped a French fry into the glob of ketchup on her plate.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked.

"She wants a name," she answered as she studied her fry.

"Who? Your French fry?' he asked teasingly in an attempt to lighten her mood.

She laughed softly and brought her gaze to his face, "You know who."

"She has names," he remarked.

"Yeah, but she doesn't want me to use Meg or Johanna."

"What about her middle name?" he suggested.

She laughed, "Oh hell no, she'd rather be called anything but 'Elizabeth'. That was Grandma Beckett's first name and she isn't overly fond of it."

Castle grinned, "Isn't it funny that they didn't get along and yet they share a name?"

"Two names actually," she replied, "Don't forget 'Beckett'."

"That's even better," he said with a laugh, "It's almost the same exact name."

"Dad's been known to tease her about that on occasion."

"I'm going to make a note of it so I can tease her about it the next time she calls me macaroni."

A stray thought popped into her mind out of nowhere and she started laughing, causing Castle to look at her oddly.

"What?" he asked.

"It's just something that came to mind when you said 'calls me macaroni'."

"What?" he prodded with a grin, "Tell me."

She continued to giggle and he laughed in response to it until finally she was able to tell him what she thought.

"For some reason it made me think of that song 'Yankee Doodle'."

"Why?"

"Because of that one line, you know, he stuck a feather in his cap…"

"And called it macaroni," they both said in unison and then burst into laughter over it.

"So wait, now I'm Yankee Doodle?" he asked amidst his laughter.

"No," she replied, "According to the song you're the feather."

"I don't want to be a feather," he protested, "Who names a feather macaroni, anyway?"

Kate shrugged, "You'd have to take that up with Yankee Doodle."

"Do you know how I can get in touch with him?" he asked in amusement.

"That's easy," she said with a laugh, "You hop into your time machine and you go back over 200 years and look for the guy who came riding into town on a pony."

"With a feather in his cap," Castle added.

Kate nodded, "That's him."

"Well with a description like that he shouldn't be hard to find at all," he replied, "I'm looking for a guy on a pony who's naming his feather."

She laughed, "Chances are he's wearing a powdered wig."

"And tights," he stated, "That's probably why he named his feather, his tights were too tight and it cut off the circulation to his brain and made him fruity."

Kate had a hand over her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter, but she pulled it away to ask him, "How do we end up in these conversations?"

"I don't know," he replied, "But I'll never hear that song in quite the same way again."

"How do you think I feel?" she asked, "I can't look at a box of macaroni without laughing and neither can my mother, which is just slightly humiliating."

He laughed, "It's all her fault."

"She's not the one who came up with that line."

"But she keeps it going," he replied, "When you had me call her the other day, she answered the phone saying 'Well if it isn't the macaroni'."

"It's your own fault, Castle," she said with a smile.

He grinned, "I'll get her back, I'll think up a nickname for her."

"That still doesn't help me," she replied as she was reminded of her own predicament.

"What do you want to call her?"

"I don't know. I'm not ready to call her mom."

"Then don't."

"But don't you think she was hinting for me to call her something?"

He shrugged, "I think that maybe she was just dipping her toe in the water to see if you were any closer to calling her something that relates to the word 'mom'."

"She said once that she'd settle for 'mother'."

"Do you want to call her that?"

"I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to call her nothing."

"Wait until you're ready, Kate," he told her.

"How will I know when I'm ready?" she asked.

"Because it'll just slip out without you thinking about it or planning it. I don't think she meant to make it seem as though she was pushing you to give more than you can, I think she was just…"

"Seeing where she stands?" Kate asked.

Caste nodded, "She's just checking for progress, she's still willing to wait for you."

Kate smiled and then slipped her hand into his as it laid upon the table.

"Do you have plans tomorrow night?" he asked her.

"Same plans I have every night lately, unless we catch a case," she replied, "Why?"

"You mentioned that both of you convinced your dad to go to a ballgame tomorrow evening with his friends, so I thought the two of you could come over for dinner."

She nodded, "Sounds good."

He looked at her and then hesitated, "There is something I'd like you to do while you're there."

"What?"

"Talk to Alexis," he told her.

"About what?"

"Her class schedule," he replied, "She's taking on too much but she won't listen to me. She says she knows what she's doing, but I know it's too much for her."

"Castle," Kate said, "You have to let her make her own mistakes."

"I know," he said, "But I don't want her to burn herself out the first semester."

"Maybe you're just being a little overly protective."

He shook his head, "No I'm not, I know she's 18 and can do what she wants but this is important to her and I don't want her to make a choice she regrets. I don't want her to take on too much and take the chance of it ending badly."

She nodded in understanding, "What makes you think she's going to listen to me?"

"Because she respects you, she looks up to you, and besides she said she'd rather have the opinion of someone who took their college education seriously."

Kate laughed, "She might be inclined to believe that you told me what to say to her."

"That's why I'm going to make it look like we didn't discuss it before hand," he said with a smile, "While you're there I'll just slip it into the conversation that she should seek your advice on the topic."

"Alright, Castle," she said, "But if I feel it's a course load she can handle I'm going to tell her so."

"Hey, if you think it's fine, then I will say no more about it to her," he replied.

"What time do you want us to be there?" she asked.

He thought for a moment, "How about 6:30, 7:00?" he asked, "We can order in."

"We'll be there," she told him.

"Great," he replied and she grinned at him before turning her attention back to her plate. He noticed that she kept hold of his hand and he smiled as he allowed himself to subtly study her. She was different, he thought to himself, and he knew that some of that was in direct relation to being in contact with her mother. Johanna was cautiously and carefully mothering her and she didn't even fully realize it, and in his opinion she was blossoming in response to that attention. She was still cautious, still alert for the danger, but still it was like another layer being pulled back and it revealed to him a lighter more relaxed Kate, a woman who smiled more, laughed more, and became more open and affectionate, and he loved it, he loved her even more.

"You're staring, Castle," she said without even looking at him.

"I know," he replied.

Her gaze flicked to his face and she smiled as she shook her head at him. He smiled back, allowing his train of thought to go on in relation to her. He wanted to do something for her, he wanted to take her out for an evening, revel in this light hearted side of her and he promised himself that he'd find a way to do that, he'd just have to figure out what to do with Johanna while he did it.

* * *

By the time Kate got home that evening, Johanna had shaken off the memories of her father and made herself busy with making dinner. Kate could sense the air of awkwardness still lingering between her parents and she did her best to keep the conversations moving throughout dinner, talking about her day and their dinner invitation the next evening. She watched them throughout the evening as her father showed no signs of leaving. He seemed to be increasing his efforts at making amends and while her mother seemed receptive to it she could see that a part of her was holding back.

It was after 11, and while Johanna was out of the room for a moment, Jim rose from his seat and moved to the couch to sit next to his daughter who he wrapped an arm around.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

He laughed, "Can't get nothing past you, can I?"

She grinned, "What do you want?"

"Nothing," he replied, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm not leaving anytime soon so you may as well go to bed."

Kate looked at him, "So what you're really saying is that you want me to get lost, right?"

He nodded, "But I'm saying it with affection."

She laughed, "That doesn't make it sound any better though."

"It's for a good cause," he told her.

"Can I finish watching the news first?" she asked in amusement.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Does this mean you've figured out what to do to make her feel better?" she asked.

"I think so."

Kate looked him in the eye, "Don't blow it."

"Thanks for your vote of confidence, Katie."

Kate laughed, "It could be worse, you could be over 30 and being sent to bed by your father."

Jim smiled at her, "I'll make it up to you."

"How?"

"I don't know," he answered, "I'll put it on the list with the rest of the things I have to figure out."

When the news ended, Kate went to bed as promised, leaving the two of them alone once again. Jim waited awhile, making sure that Kate was settled for the night and then when Johanna went to the kitchen to get a drink he followed her and turned on the small radio that sat on the counter.

"What are you doing?" she asked him.

He held out his hand, "Dance with me."

Johanna smiled, her heart warming with the remembrance of all the times she had said those words to him as a radio played in the background. He'd always indulged her during those moments when she would ask to him dance with her in kitchen. She set her glass aside and took his hand and allowed him to pull her into his arms.

"Do you remember the first time we did this?" he asked her.

Johanna nodded, "You thought I was silly."

He smiled, "Well we were in the middle of a black out."

"Didn't matter to me," she said, "We had a few candles and a radio that ran by batteries, and besides we had a date and I wasn't letting you out of it."

Jim laughed, "It wasn't like I was going anywhere."

She smirked at him, "No, but knowing you it would've given you an excuse to speed up the evening."

He grinned, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't," she answered with a laugh, "But I figured that just because we couldn't out go out, that didn't mean we couldn't still have some semblance of a date, even if you did think I was silly."

"I only thought you were silly for the first song," he replied, "But after that I didn't mind it at all."

She smiled, "I guess not, you were the one who turned the lights back out once they came on."

He looked her in the eye, "I never cared for dancing until I danced with you."

"Why did I change your mind?"

"Because I liked being close to you, because you taught me to enjoy it. You taught me to enjoy a lot of things, Johanna."

"You taught me to like baseball," she replied.

He laughed quietly, "Do you remember that first game I took to you?"

Johanna nodded, "We went with your dad and both of you were very patient in explaining the rules to me."

He laughed again, "I can still see the look on my fathers face when you caught that ball."

She laughed, "That was a lucky catch."

"And with hardly any effort," he remarked, "He already adored you before the game but he was impressed to no end after that catch."

Johanna smiled, "I know, that's why I gave it to him."

"He loved to tell everyone that story," Jim said, "I still remember him telling me that night that if I didn't marry you he'd disown me."

"He did not!"

"Yes he did, he was serious."

"I loved your dad," she told him.

"He loved you too," he replied, "You know that don't you?"

She nodded. "Always remember that," he told her and she knew that he was making a subtle point of telling her that all though her father had been lacking, he had been happy to share his with her and that through that she had been given that father she always needed.

They moved together quietly for awhile until the opening strains of an old familiar song came across the airwaves. She caught his eye and smiled as they realized it was the first song they had danced to that long ago night that also contained the memory of their first kiss.

"How's that for timing?" Jim asked.

"Must be fate."

He nodded and then looked her over, "Must be, you're wearing the same color dress as you were that night."

She said nothing but kept her gaze trained on his and he smiled at her, "You thought I didn't notice, didn't you?"

"Then or now?" she teased.

"Now," he answered.

She shrugged a shoulder, "I figured you were just being a typical man."

Jim laughed quietly, "No, I was just waiting for the right moment."

"The right moment for what?"

"To tell you that you're still as beautiful as you were that night," he replied.

She blushed as she scoffed, "Hardly."

He pulled her a little closer and smiled, "You are."

"I highly doubt it; I was in my 20's back then."

"You don't look a day over thirty," he told her.

Johanna laughed, "We must be getting old; you used to tell me that I didn't look a day over 18."

He laughed with her and then dipped his head to brush a kiss across her cheek, "I don't care how old you are, you'll always be the most beautiful woman I know."

"I would say that Katie is the most beautiful woman you know," she commented.

He shook his head, "She's second."

"Am I getting seniority because I'm older than her?" she teased.

He shook his head, "No, you get seniority because you're my wife, and she's only my daughter."

"What do you mean _only_ your daughter?" she said with a laugh.

"Well she didn't have any choice in being stuck with me," Jim explained, "But you had a choice between me and Charles Patterson, and just let me say, you chose very wisely in picking me."

She grinned at him, "Charles was never an option and you know it. It was you or nobody."

He laughed, "After all these years the truth comes out, you settled for me," he teased.

"No I didn't," she told him, "I didn't want anyone else but you."

"That's good, because I wasn't going to let you have anyone else but me," he remarked.

"And yet you made me work so hard to get that confession out of you," she reminded him.

He smiled at her, "Well you always said you liked a good challenge."

She was quiet for a moment as she gazed at him, their old song playing on, "Maybe the challenge makes it worth it."

Jim nodded, "You were always worth it to me, still are."

She moved closer to him, brushed her lips across against his jaw and laid her head against his shoulder as they continued to dance slowly, those doubts she had been harboring beginning to dissipate as song after song played and she remained in his arms.

* * *

Late that night Kate awoke as she usually did and she slipped from her room intent on checking things over for her peace of mind. The door to her mother's room was still open and it was empty which jolted her and heightened her state of alertness but as she made her way to the end of the hallway she was able to see into the kitchen and she saw her them there together, dancing slowly and she smiled as her sense of alarm faded.

She moved back into the shadows so they wouldn't see her and she watched them for a minute, it was a familiar scene, one she had caught them in numerous times while growing up, she had been five the first time and she had woken up and gone downstairs in search of her mother because she was thirsty. She heard their voices in the kitchen and walked in to find them dancing slowly, the radio playing in the background.

She smiled as the memory filled her mind.

"_Why are you dancing in the kitchen?" she asked, startling her parents and drawing their attention to her in the doorway._

"_What are you doing out of bed?" Johanna asked her, a smile still on her lips._

"_I'm thirsty," she told her mother._

_She walked the rest of the way into the kitchen as her mother stepped away from her father and filled a small juice glass and then handed it to her. When she was finished she handed it back and looked at them._

"_Why were you dancing?" she asked again._

"_Because it makes your mommy happy," Jim answered._

_Katie shifted her gaze back to her mother, "Why does it make you happy?"_

"_Because I like to dance," her mother answered softly._

"_I like to dance too," Katie declared._

"_Do you?" her father asked._

_She nodded, "Yes."_

"_I didn't know that," Jim said lightly._

"_Yes, you do, Daddy," she accused, "You just want to have fun without me."_

_Her parents laughed at her as she eyed them accusingly._

"_We never have fun without you," Jim told her._

"_Yes you do."_

"_What will make you feel better about that?" Johanna asked her._

_Katie thought for a moment and then raised her arms, "I want to dance too."_

As she remained standing in the shadow of the hallway she remembered that they had granted her request, sweeping her up in their arms and finagling a way to hold her between them while they held onto each other. She remembered their laughter that night, the teasing words they spoke to her, the soft sound of her mother's voice as she sang along to some old song that had played as the three of them swayed slowly. She had fallen asleep against her father's shoulder that night, lulled by the movement and the feel of their arms around her. All these years later and she could still remember how that moment had felt, of being warm and safe and loved, and it struck her that as she had passed the last several years of her life, a part of her had been looking for someone to give her those things again.

Someone who would make her feel safe, someone to give her warmth, someone who would love her enough to dance with her at midnight in the kitchen, with the static of an old radio playing in the background. Castle made her feel safe, he gave her warmth, she knew that he loved her, but she wondered if he would fill that last requirement, would he dance with her in the kitchen despite the silliness of the gesture?

She studied her parents as her father lowered his head and whispered something in her mother's ear. She didn't know what he had said, but judging from the smile the graced her mother's lips, it had been the right thing. Her mother's features were devoid of worry and tension and the look on her face was one that Kate hadn't seen in over a decade.

Quietly she turned away and went back to her bedroom, allowing them their privacy to work out their problems and get back on more solid ground.

* * *

As night faded into early morning and their conversations fell into silences, the air between changed, and crackled with those sparks that she remembered Jeff speaking off so long ago. She looked Jim in the eye, could see that he was holding back, waiting for her to give him permission, to give him some sign that she forgave him enough to allow the gesture they both wanted. She pulled her hand away from his, laid her fingers against his jaw line and brought her lips to his and kissed him.

As that one kiss spurned a series of more that followed she couldn't help but be amazed at how intense it could still feel after all the years they had been together, and the years they had spent apart. Those kisses and touches that grew steadily more heated carried on until the morning light was filtering through the curtains and she gently pushed him away telling him they needed to stop. She hated to do it, didn't want it to end, but they weren't in there own home and judging by the clock on the microwave Kate would be getting up for work at any moment.

She kissed him goodbye at the door and then retreated back to the kitchen. She turned off the radio and gathered what she needed to prepare a light breakfast and then she took off her necklace, slid the engagement ring from the chain and placed it on her finger before putting the chain back around her neck, her wedding band still dangling from it.

Kate entered the kitchen and smirked at the sight of her mother, as she was still wearing the dress she had on the day before.

"I take it you haven't been to bed yet?" she stated.

Johanna sat the plates of food on the table, "No I haven't."

"Did you have a nice night?" Kate asked as she sat down.

Her mother smiled and then met her eye as she took her seat, "Yes, I did."

She smiled back, "Did you get what you needed?"

Johanna studied her for a moment, "I think you already know."

Kate shrugged, "Just an inkling."

"Were you lurking in the shadows?" her mother asked; her tone light natured.

"I wasn't spying on you," Kate said around a bite of toast, "I've just developed the habit of getting up through the night and checking on things. I went back to my room once I saw the two of you."

Johanna laughed softly, it wasn't the first time her daughter had caught them dancing in the kitchen late at night. "It's still silly, isn't it?"

Kate shook her head, "No, actually I think it's kind of sweet."

"Do you? I remember you questioned me about it once. I always figured you thought we were crazy."

"No, not really," she replied, "When you told me about it that one time, you told me that you hoped I'd be lucky enough to find someone who would dance with me in a kitchen…and I think a part of me has always been looking for that person."

"Maybe you've already found him," Johanna replied gently.

"What makes you think that?"

Her mother looked up from her eggs and smiled at her, "The way you are when you're with him."

There was no need to name names, they both knew exactly who she meant, and even though she knew she shouldn't, Kate couldn't help but ask, "What way?"

Johanna hid her surprise that Kate was allowing this line of conversation to continue and proceeded forward, "You light up whenever he walks into the room, Katie. You try to hide it but you don't always succeed and it's written all over your face, it's in the way you look at him, the way you smile, the tone of your voice. Sometimes it's so very obvious that he's the one you love."

Kate took a sip of juice and then toyed with the napkin lying next to her plate before she allowed her gaze to flick back to her mother's face. "Do you think he'd dance with me in the kitchen?" she asked softly, not bothering to deny anything her mother had said.

"I think he'd dance in Times Square with you if you asked him to."

"What makes you so sure?"

"The same reasons I gave you."

"You don't think he'd say no?" she asked.

Johanna smiled, "Katie, I don't think there's a chance in hell that he'd deny you anything you wanted that was within his power to give you."

She bit her lip, "He might think it's silly."

"So?" Johanna replied, "I think he's the type of person who appreciates silliness, especially if it was to make you happy. Your father thought I was silly but he went along with me anyway, and I think he ended up liking it."

Kate laughed softly, "He never looked bothered by it."

"There's only one way to find out, to be sure," Johanna told her, turning the topic back around to her and Rick.

"How am I supposed to do that?" she asked, "Call him up and ask him to come over and dance with me?"

"No," she said as she chuckled lightly, "You wait until he's already here and then you make it look spontaneous."

She considered that piece of advice for a moment, "That could work," she said and then she shook her head, "I can't believe I'm actually contemplating this."

Her mother shrugged, "Well it's the only way you're going to know if he'll say yes."

Her lips tilted upwards in a light smile, "And since you're going to be here for awhile, will you be lurking in the shadows?"

"Of course not!" she exclaimed, "I'll be in my room with the door shut, but feel free to tell me about it the next morning."

Kate laughed and Johanna laughed with her, and for a moment they sounded like they had all those years ago when they had talked about matters of the heart and crushes.

"I'll think about it," she said when their laughter faded.

"You do that."

They were quiet for a few minutes as they finished their meal and then Kate gave her attention back to her mother, "Was it still the same?" she asked.

Her lips curved into a soft smile as she thought of the night before, "Better in some ways."

"Really?"

She nodded, "I can't really explain it, maybe it's because it's been so long, or maybe it's because it was his idea, but it was better, which is hard to believe because all of those other times are some of my best memories and I didn't think you could improve upon perfection, but I guess I was wrong."

Kate smiled at her, "I'm glad you feel better."

"Me too."

Kate glanced at her watch, "I better get going," she said as she rose from the table.

Johanna followed her into the living room as she slipped on her jacket and grabbed her purse and keys and then it dawned on her that she had been discussing with her mother the one thing she said she wouldn't and she turned to face her.

"What?" Johanna asked in concern.

"We talked about it and I said we weren't going to," she answered, as she thought of that nameless conversation about Castle.

Johanna shook her head, "I wouldn't say we talked about it."

"You wouldn't?"

"No, I'd say that we danced around it, so to speak."

"Yeah, but…"

"Your secret is safe me," her mother stated, as she knew that Kate was thinking about how she hadn't denied anything.

"Is it?"

"Haven't I always kept our conversations of this nature to myself?"

Kate eyed her, "I don't know, have you?"

"Yes," she replied, "Mother – daughter confidentiality, remember?"

Kate nodded, remembering that they had invented that rule when she became a teenager and didn't want her father knowing all of her business. "I'm invoking that rule in regards to that conversation."

"My lips are sealed."

"Make sure they don't come unsealed at dinner tonight," Kate told her.

"You have my word."

She unlocked the door, "You should probably get some rest," she told her, "And change your clothes so you don't look like you're doing a walk of shame."

Johanna smirked at her, "It didn't go far enough for shame to be involved."

Kate held up a hand, "I don't want to know if it did."

"Go to work," her mother said with a laugh.

"See you tonight," she told her before walking out the door and then waiting in the hallway as the locks clicked into place.

* * *

When she returned at the end of the day, Johanna was ready and waiting for her.

"Do we have time to stop somewhere before we go to dinner?" she asked Kate.

Kate glanced at her watch, "Yeah, where do you want to go?"

Johanna held up a store ad from the newspaper to show her, "I want this purse they have on sale."

She laughed, "New shoes weren't enough, now you need a purse too?"

She smiled, "I have to complete the look."

Kate nodded, "Alright, let me change my clothes and then we'll go."

Johanna smirked at her and Kate rolled her eyes, "Shut up," she told her.

"I didn't say anything," her mother replied.

"No, but you were thinking it.

"Thinking what?"

"About primping," Kate told her, "And I don't want to hear a word about it."

"I'm not saying anything," she said as Kate walked away.

"Keep it that way."

As Kate stood nearby in the store, waiting for her mother to make her final selection of the purse she wanted, her eye was caught by a black dress hanging on a rack. She stepped closer to examine it, her mother still within reach. The dress appealed to her, it was simple and yet elegant, thin nylon sleeves that were tastefully decorated with a lacy design and the black material was soft beneath her fingertips.

"You should get that," Johanna remarked as she studied the dress that Kate was eyeing.

She shook her head, "I don't need it."

"Every woman needs a little black dress," her mother stated.

Kate smirked at her, "I have black dresses."

Johanna smiled, "But it's been my experience that the right one can get you exactly what you want."

"Well maybe that was the problem yesterday," Kate retorted, "You had on the wrong color dress. Maybe we should get you a black one."

Johanna laughed, "Don't tempt me."

"I don't have anywhere to wear it to," she told her as she toyed with the sleeve of the dress.

"That doesn't mean an occasion won't come up that would require it," Johanna argued.

"I don't usually buy a dress until I need one," Kate answered.

Her mother flicked her hand in the air dismissively, "So, think of it as planning ahead."

"Planning ahead for what?"

"I don't know, a date?"

Kate scoffed, "Right."

"Alright, how about a party?"

"Oh yeah, I get dozens of party invitations," she replied sarcastically.

Johanna smirked at her, "Won't Rick be having a party for his new book when it comes out?"

Kate looked at her, "What do you know about it?"

"I have a computer," her mother replied, "I know how to look things up."

"What are you saying?" Kate asked suspiciously.

Johanna faltered for a moment, "I'm saying I've seen pictures from the other book parties."

"Pictures of me?"

She hesitated, "Yes, but let's not talk about it. That would be violating the terms of the deal."

"One thing," Kate said, "And then we'll drop it."

"What?"

"How did you find out?"

"Find out what?" she asked.

"How did you find out that I was Nikki Heat?" she said quietly so no one nearby would hear her.

"I was flipping through a magazine at the market," Johanna told her, "And there you were looking back at me."

"Cosmopolitan," Kate said, more to herself than her mother, but Johanna nodded in agreement.

"So are you going to buy this or not?" she asked, turning the topic back around.

Kate shook her head, "No, not today."

"Why not? You like it, don't you?"

"Yes," Kate replied, "But I don't need it now."

"If you wait until you need it, it won't be here."

"Then I'll find something else."

Johanna sighed, "Is it your size?"

"Yes."

"Get it."

"No."

"Fine," Johanna said as she snatched it off the rack, "I'll buy it for you."

"No, you won't," Kate said firmly, "Put it back."

"No," she replied, "You like it, you want it, and I want you to have it."

"You are not buying me a dress," Kate protested.

"Yes I am," her mother argued, "It isn't like I've never bought you one before."

Kate grabbed the price tag of the dress but Johanna snatched it back, "I paid more for your prom dress," she stated.

"But that was different," she argued as she followed her to the front of the store.

"No, it's exactly the same," Johanna said, "The prom dress made you happy, and this dress will make you happy when you have a reason to wear it."

"I don't need you to buy it for me, I could buy it myself."

"I know that, but you won't buy it for yourself, so I'm buying it as a gift."

"It's not Christmas and it's not my birthday," Kate told her.

"I don't need a holiday as an excuse to buy my daughter a gift," Johanna replied.

"Put it back."

"No," she said as she handed the dress and the handbag she had chosen to the cashier.

"I don't need it."

"I don't care if you need it," her mother stated firmly, "It's my money and I want to buy you something."

"But I don't want you to," Kate responded.

Johanna swiped her credit card, "You may as well stop because we're not going to agree about it and I just bought it."

Kate gave her a look that told her how irritated she was with her but she didn't allow it to bother her too much as they left the store.

* * *

"Is it so wrong for me to want to buy you something?" she asked her as they rode the elevator up to Castle's loft after their silent car ride.

"No, but…"

"But what?"

"But you shouldn't have," Kate stated, "I didn't need the dress."

"So hang it in the closet and forget about it," Johanna replied.

"That's a waste of money."

"Mine, not yours," her mother argued as they stepped into the hallway and made their way to the door.

"I don't need your money," Kate told her.

"I know you don't," Johanna said in exasperation, "It's just a dress, Kate, not a life sentence."

"I'm taking it back."

"You haven't even tried it on."

"I don't care."

"What's the problem?" Castle asked as he swung the door open.

"She's mad at me," Johanna told him as they entered the loft.

"What did you do?" he asked as he took in each of their expressions.

"I bought her a dress."

He looked to Kate who was shrugging out of her jacket. "Don't you like it?" he asked.

"It's not the dress I have a problem with, it's the fact that I told her not to buy it and now I am taking it back."

"Try it on first," Johanna demanded.

Martha noticed the bag in Johanna's hand and after she greeted them she said, "Let's see it."

Johanna pulled the dress from the bag and allowed Martha and Alexis to look it over.

"It's lovely, Kate," Martha told her, "You should keep it."

"I don't need it," Kate told her.

"Darling, I don't need half the things in my closet but I'm not about to get rid of them," Martha told her.

Kate sighed and looked to Castle who shrugged at her as he said, "That's true."

"Just go try it on," Johanna stated, "If you don't like it or don't want it after that than I'll give you the receipt and you can take the damn thing back."

"Why can't we just take it back without trying it on?" Kate asked.

"Because that's not the deal I'm offering," her mother replied.

"Fine," Kate said as she snatched the garment from her mother's hand, "I'll try it on."

"I wasn't trying to offend you by buying you something, Kate."

"You didn't," she told her in exasperation, "It just isn't necessary."

"Neither was that Barbie dream house I bought you when you were four, but I did it anyway."

Kate rolled her eyes and turned to Alexis, "Come with me, I might need help getting it zipped."

Alexis smiled and nodded as she followed behind her towards Castle's bedroom.

"Don't forget to come out and let us see you in it," Martha called behind her.

"I wouldn't want to forget that," Kate replied.

Once they were out of sight, Castle turned to Johanna, who had taken a seat at the table with Martha.

"I thought you two were playing nice this week?" he said to her.

"We are, she's not angry, she's just slightly annoyed with me."

"Annoyance can easily turn into anger," he reminded her.

"Not necessarily," she replied, "Sometimes it works out before you get to that point. I was slightly annoyed with my husband yesterday but we got past it."

He laughed, "Kate's different."

"I know," she answered, "But I think we can handle it, this is just a very mild mother daughter squabble."

"She's just being a little stubborn," Martha said as she joined the conversation, "But she'll change her mind once she puts that dress on."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Castle replied.

"Don't listen to him," Martha said to Johanna, "She'll come around, she wants that dress, I can tell. She'll fuss about it a little and then she'll keep it."

Johanna smiled, "I hope you're right."

* * *

Kate left Alexis in the bedroom as she retreated into the bathroom and stripped off her jeans and blouse and slipped on the dress her mother insisted she have. She hated to admit it, but she did love it, and she did want it, but a part of her felt it was wrong to take a gift from her mother. She reached for the zipper and managed to get it part way up before she opened the door and stepped out for Alexis to zip it the rest of the way.

"You look great," Alexis told her.

"You think so?"

She nodded, "Don't you like it?"

Kate sighed, "I love it."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I just…I didn't want her spending money on me."

"She drives you crazy, doesn't she?" Alexis asked as Kate continued to examine herself in the mirror.

"Yes," she answered, "She drives me crazy on a daily basis."

"Dad says that's what mothers are for," Alexis replied.

Kate smirked, "Then mine is living up to her full potential."

"I like your mom," Alexis told her, "She's nice."

Kate smiled, "She likes you too."

"I think you're a lot like her," Alexis commented.

"Is that good or bad?"

She laughed, "I meant it as a good thing."

"Have you heard from your mom?" Kate asked her.

"Yeah, I've talked to her."

"Has she said anything about your graduation?"

Alexis shook her head, "Once she said she wasn't going to be there that was the end of it. She hasn't asked me anything about it and I haven't volunteered anything."

"I'm sorry," Kate told her, sympathizing with her plight.

"It's nothing for you to be sorry for," Alexis told her, "You were there."

"I know," she replied, "But I know you would've preferred your mother to be in that seat."

Alexis shrugged, "It's not a big deal. I see you more than I see my mother anyway. I'm used to it; I always come last in her world. I've always known that."

Kate could see the hurt in her eyes and she reached for her hand and squeezed it, "It's her loss, Alexis. One day she's going to wake up and look back at her life and realize that she's missed out on the best thing that she could've ever been apart of, and that's your life."

"I doubt it," Alexis said, "I've come to accept the fact that she never sees anything wrong with what she does."

"But accepting that doesn't make it any less hurtful does it?"

"No," she answered, "And sometimes I'm not even sure how to feel about her, you know?"

Kate nodded, "I know, believe me, I know," she said as she tugged Alexis towards the edge of Castle's bed so they could sit down.

"I love her," Alexis stated, "Really I do, but she's never around when I need her or want her to be and when she does finally does decide to come around it's always during a moment when I'm fine being without her and she just drives me crazy. Everything is always about her. I haven't even seen her in almost a year and usually that doesn't bother me but…"

"But this year is different," Kate supplied for her, "Things are changing."

Alexis nodded in agreement, "I'm starting this whole new chapter of my life and she's not going to be apart of it, again, she's never apart of it and maybe I don't have a right to complain because I have a great dad and a wonderful grandmother who are always there for me, but sometimes I just think it would be nice if…" she trailed off.

"It's alright to feel that way," Kate told her, "It's okay to want your mom around even when you feel conflicted about her. It's natural, we all have that part of ourselves that just wants our mom sometimes; and you're right you have a great father and grandmother, but that doesn't mean that you can't still wish that she would step up to the plate and be what you need her to be. She should be here for you more often, but like I said, she's the one missing out."

"I just feel so angry with her sometimes," Alexis confessed, "Sometimes I've even felt as though I hated her but then I'd feel bad and I'd think of how I should just be happy that I still have my mom because I'd look at you and know that you'd give anything to have yours back."

Kate swallowed hard, "Alexis, you never have to feel bad about how you feel inside. Loving someone is the most complicated thing in the universe and it doesn't matter if that person is your mom or your dad or your boyfriend or even just a friend. It isn't always easy, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it drives you crazy, sometimes it makes you angry, and sometimes all of those threads get so twisted up that it feels like hate, but it isn't, it's just the pain masquerading as something easier to deal with, because it's always easier to be angry than to be hurt. Anger can come and go, but hurt lingers and it's harder to get past, but everyone goes through it, you can't experience one emotion without experiencing them all, that's the way of life; and you know there is some truth to that old saying 'You always hurt the ones you love the most'. I know your mom has hurt you, I know that she's been in some ways thoughtless and insensitive to your feelings, but I know that in her own way she loves you very much, just like I know my mother loves me."

"But you probably doubted it, didn't you?" Alexis asked her.

She nodded, "Of course I did; and I've spent a lot of time thinking about the same thing you've thought about, that I would've given anything to have her back, because that was true, and a part of me is very relieved that she's here but it isn't easy. My thoughts and feelings are as jumbled as yours. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm betrayed, but I'm also relieved, grateful, fearful, and in some moments during the past week, I've been able to be happy with her."

"Because you still love her," Alexis stated.

Kate toyed with the hem of the dress, "I guess there is that part of me too."

"You're just not ready to go there yet."

She nodded, "That about sums it up."

Alexis smiled sadly, "Mothers," she stated.

Kate laughed softly, "You can't live them….and it's pretty damn hard to live without them."

They both struggled to keep hold of their emotions as they fell silent for a moment.

"I didn't mean to dump all of this on you," Alexis said softly, "I guess I didn't realize it was bothering me so much."

Kate wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Don't worry about it," she told her, "Feel free to unload on me anytime. You should see all the unloading I've been doing on your Dad's shoulder through all this."

Alexis laughed, "Maybe we should start a club."

She chuckled lightly, "We'll meet once a month to complain about our mothers."

"You can be president," Alexis told her.

"I'm here for you, Alexis, I mean that," she stated.

"Thanks," she replied, "I don't really like to talk about it with Dad. I know it makes him feel bad even though it's not his fault."

Kate looked her in the eye, "You can talk to me anytime, Alexis, about anything, and it won't go any further than us."

"I'll keep that in mind," Alexis told her.

"Hey," Castle's voice called from the office, "What's taking so long in there? We're waiting for a fashion show out here."

"We'll be there in a minute," she called back as she and Alexis rose from their seats. She hugged the girl for a moment and then gave her a smile and together they walked out of the room and back through the loft.

"You look beautiful," Johanna declared as she stepped into her line of vision.

"Darling, that dress was made for you." Martha told her, "You'd be crazy to take it back."

Kate shifted under their scrutiny, feeling as though she was on display and she waited to hear Castle's opinion on the dress.

"What do you think, Rick?" Johanna prodded casually, as she took notice that his eyes were glued to her daughter.

"Wow," he stated as his gaze raked over her, taking in the sight of her in that figure hugging dress, and it's see through nylon sleeves with their lacy floral pattern design, the length falling slightly above her knees providing him with the opportunity to admire her long legs, and the neckline low enough to tease him with glimpses of skin that he'd love to kiss.

"Is that all you can say?" she teased him.

"You should definitely keep it," he told her.

"I think so too," Alexis stated for the record.

"There it's unanimous," Johanna declared, "Now you're going to keep it, right?"

"I'll pay you back for it," she told her.

"No, no, no," her mother stated firmly, "If you keep it, you accept it as a gift. I'm not taking a dime of your money for it."

"Then I don't know if I'm keeping it."

Johanna sighed, "Kate."

"I'll think about it," she told her as she motioned for Alexis to follow her back to the bedroom so she could unzip the dress.

When she returned she dropped the dress back into the bag and took a seat at the table and neither one of them said a word about it, sensing that it could threaten their peace treaty, and Castle picked up on the need for a topic change.

"Since Kate's here," he said to his daughter, "Why don't you ask her for her opinion of your class schedule, since you made the statement that you'd rather have advice from someone who took their college education more seriously then I did," he remarked with mock indignation.

"You can't fault her for that," Martha chimed in, "You were a little lax in some areas."

"I didn't ask for an opinion from the peanut gallery," he replied.

"You never have to ask, dear," she replied, "My opinion always comes unsolicited."

He nodded, "Yes, I know, and somehow I'm still able to love you afterwards."

Martha laughed, "That's because I've trained you well."

Alexis grabbed her laptop and pulled up the class schedule she was considering and then slid the computer in front of Kate for her to look.

Kate looked over the class schedule that Alexis was considering and shook her head. "Alexis, you do not want to take all of this your first semester."

"Why not?" Alexis asked.

"It's too much," she told her.

"But I've always taken extra classes," Alexis replied, "I don't want them to think I'm slacking off."

Kate looked her in the eye, "Alexis, no one is ever going to peg you as a slacker, and second, you've already proved yourself to Columbia, that's why they accepted you. They know you're smart and a hard worker, you don't have to punish yourself to prove to anyone that you belong there."

"But in high school…"

Kate interrupted her, "High school and college are entirely different ballgames. They appear the same in some respects but they aren't. Taking extra courses in high school is easier than piling on extra work in college. Trust me I know, and it's been my experience that in high school teachers are a little more understanding that their class isn't the only one you have, but college professors know you have other classes but they don't care. They all want their class to be your priority and taking on too much isn't going to end well."

Alexis seemed to be considering Kate's advice carefully, "You think I should cross a few off before I make it final?"

"I think you should, but it's your decision. You're an adult now; you can do what you want but keep in mind that college is a big adjustment. We already talked about living away from home and what it's like in a dorm and like I told you before I'm sure you'll do fine with that but it's still an adjustment and you're going to need a little free time to deal with that; and you're going to be meeting new people, and there will be activities and events that you'll want to be part of and you can't enjoy those things if you're buried under a pile of books. Take it easy on yourself the first semester; don't make it harder than it has to be right off the bat."

Johanna watched the exchange with interest, wondering if Kate realized that she was saying the same things to Alexis that she had said to her when they had this same talk a few months before she had gone off to Stanford. She enjoyed watching her daughter take on this role as a mentor, to see her give Alexis the same straightforward answers that she had equipped her with, while making it clear that it was her decision to make. She could tell that Alexis was taking Kate's viewpoint seriously and that she seemed more inclined to accept her guidance rather than her father's in this area.

Her gaze flicked to Rick who was keeping himself busy, acting as though he weren't intently listening to every word that was being said but she knew he was and she studied him. He didn't seem bothered that Alexis would choose someone else's advice over his, in fact he seemed somewhat relieved that she seemed to be rethinking a decision that she had been set upon. She knew without being told that the writer was in love with her daughter, she could see it, hear it, and feel it when ever they were in the same room together, but watching Kate function as a member of this family, and seeing how he gladly gave her that role and was comforted by it, gave her further insight into their relationship and the role she played in his life.

"If you want a second opinion," Kate said, her voice breaking Johanna's train of thought and drawing her gaze back to her, "Ask my mother, she's taught a lot of college level classes over the years, especially recently. I'm sure she could offer you some advice."

It caught her off guard to hear Kate refer to the time she had spent away and she was somewhat surprised that she would defer this discussion with Alexis to her. She felt as though that may mean something but she wasn't sure what it was so she directed her attention to Alexis who was now looking at her.

"Do you want to look?" Alexis asked her.

"Sure, I'll take a look," she replied and Alexis slid her laptop across the table to her.

Johanna studied the schedule and found that Alexis was thinking of taking three extra classes in addition to her already full time first semester classes that she needed.

"What do you think?" the young girl asked her.

She looked up from the screen, "I think you should listen to Kate."

"You don't think it's a good idea to take the extra classes either?"

"No, I think you should just stick with the classes required for the first semester."

"But the first semester requirements are just basic courses like English, math, and science."

Johanna nodded, "And you believe that those subjects are going to be exactly like they were in high school, right?"

"Pretty much," Alexis answered, "How could they not be? I took honors classes in those subjects, it can't be much different."

"In theory that may be true," Johanna told her, "But the fact of the matter is that in college those classes become more in depth and they ask more of you in relation to that. I know that you're a very intelligent young lady, Alexis, and I have no doubt that you will succeed in college, but you are going to have to work at a higher level and like Kate said, that will be an adjustment. What was perfect in high school may only get you a B in college."

"Or a C plus," Kate said remembering her first semester math grade at midterm.

Johanna looked to Kate and laughed lightly, "I remember that 3 a.m. phone call."

"A 3 a.m. phone call over a C?" Castle asked.

"She hadn't gotten the C yet," Johanna explained, "She was convinced that she was going to get an F. She was putting too much pressure on herself and was cracking under the strain of midterm exams. She called me, wanting my credit card number so she could get a plane ticket home and get her summer job back because she was throwing in the towel."

He laughed as he looked at Kate, "A little high strung, were we?"

"Shut up, Castle," she said, "I had a little bit of a meltdown and forgot the time difference."

"And I almost had a heart attack when I picked up the phone and heard her crying on the other end. All I could think about while I tried to calm her down enough to tell me what was wrong, was how fast could I get to California?"

Castle chuckled and looked to Alexis, "And this story sounds like a great example of why you were smart in choosing to go to Columbia."

Alexis nodded, "I want to be able to come home if I'm having a meltdown."

"Call, I'll come pick you up," he told her.

"What was the outcome of this 3 a.m. phone call?" Martha asked.

"She was having trouble with her math class," Johanna began and as she told the story Kate's mind drifted back to that night in her dorm room as she crammed for that exam she had coming up. She just wasn't getting it. She had no problem with the easier equations but as they became more complicated she got confused and lost and frustrated with herself. She had thought she could get the hang of it by going over some of her assignments that had been corrected. The problem she had been working on when her meltdown had occurred had called for her to reach an answer of 17 and no matter what she did she just couldn't get 17.

She remembered those thoughts of failure that had been stuck in her mind, the overly dramatic thoughts of how she was going to flunk out of school and her dreams would be dashed. She thought of how she'd be a disappointment to her parents, a disappointment to herself. Math had never been her strong suit but she had never had this much of a problem with it before and it had unnerved her and as her mother had said, she had put too much pressure on herself in the light of the upcoming exams. She recalled how she had said to herself that she would rather quit than fail. There had been a few tears and the longing for her mother and she had picked up the phone and dialed without a thought to what time it was.

Her throat tightened unexpectedly as she remembered how good it had been to hear her mothers voice on the other end of the line, and she remembered how she had been patient with her, soothing her so that she would be calm enough to tell her what was wrong. She would've had every right to be angry with her for calling in the middle of the night over something that was in some respects trivial but she hadn't been. She got out of bed so she wouldn't disturb her father and she had gone into the other room and got out a piece of paper and a pencil and told her to read the problem and the instructions to her. It had taken them two hours, but by the time dawn rolled around in New York, they had figured out how to get to 17, and she had cried with relief as her mother laughed proudly on the other end. Math hadn't been her strong suit either but she had managed it, they had worked it out together and through that process Kate had been able to grasp the concept of what she had to do for the tougher equations.

She remembered that when she hung up the phone early that morning and caught a glimpse of the time and then adjusted it in relation to her mother's time zone, she had felt bad for waking her, realizing that she most likely wouldn't go back to bed, that she would stay up and make breakfast and get ready for work, but among all of that was the thought that she was lucky to have her as a mother because she didn't think that too many parents would be so understanding of a 3 a.m. phone call about a math problem, and she didn't think too many parents would've stayed on the phone and helped to figure out the problem, but her mother had and that had meant everything to her.

The light chuckles as her mother finished her story brought her focus back to the people around the table. Her mother caught her eye and smiled and she smiled back.

"You were so happy when you were finished with that class," Johanna said.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, I was, and I finished it with a B."

"I knew you would once you relaxed," her mother told her.

That emotion of remembrance was still lingering, along with the feelings that had been stirred up from her conversation with Alexis and she caught and held her mother's gaze.

"I don't know if I said it back then….but thanks for helping me get to 17," she said softly.

Johanna smiled and covered her hand, "You told me, but you didn't have to, it was my job."

Kate shook her head, "You didn't have to stay up all night and help me learn a math problem."

"I'm your mother; I'm supposed to help you fix your problems," Johanna told her, "No matter what time it is."

"But still," Kate said, "I appreciated it…I just want you to know that."

Johanna nodded and then she smiled softly, "So you'll keep the dress, right?"

Kate gave a short laugh, "To prove my appreciation?"

Her mother shrugged, "If you need an excuse."

She rolled her eyes, "You always have to win, don't you?"

She grinned, "Occupational hazard."

Kate shook her head as she smiled, and then without thought or even realization the words slipped from her lips, "Yes, mother, I'll keep the dress."

Johanna was momentarily stunned as her gaze stayed upon her daughter's face. She had of course heard Kate refer to her as 'my mother' to her friends, but up until that point she had yet to address her by that word or any word like it, it wasn't the 'mom' she had been hoping for, but it was close enough and she had to force herself not to react as Kate looked at her oddly and said, "What?"

She stammered for a moment, "I'm going to cut the tags off and rip up the receipt so you can't change your mind."

"Go ahead if it'll make you happy," she remarked as the doorbell rang and she rose from her seat to follow an equally surprised Castle to the door to get their food.

Johanna looked beside her to Martha, "Did she really say it or did I imagine it?" she whispered.

Martha smiled and took her hand, "She said it, but I don't think she realized it."

"I can live with that," she answered as she allowed herself to smile and bask in the moment while Kate was away from the table.

Martha laughed softly, "How did it feel?"

"Like I won the lottery," she answered.

"Hang in there," Martha told her as she squeezed her hand, "I think she's coming around, keep doing whatever it is you've been doing."

She nodded in agreement and they ended the conversation as Kate and Castle reappeared with the bags of food.

* * *

The atmosphere was light and they enjoyed their meal as they laughed and chatted about inconsequential things, and when they were finished Kate and Alexis volunteered to wash up the few dishes that had been used and Johanna decided to take the opportunity that being at the table with Rick and Martha presented.

"You know," she said casually as she looked at Castle, "Now that Katie has a new dress she needs an occasion to wear it."

He eyed her with part amusement and part suspicion, "Is that a hint for me to provide her with an occasion?" he asked.

"I didn't say that," she told him innocently, "I was merely making a statement."

He grinned at her, "I think you were hinting."

Johanna shook her head, "I wouldn't do that."

"I think you are."

"I can't help it if you read into that statement and formed that opinion," she told him.

"It was implied," he remarked.

"Can you prove that, Rick?" she asked.

"No," he answered.

"Then you don't have a case," she said as she laughed quietly.

"I'm sure I could make one," he retorted.

Martha laughed, "Richard, you're sparring with a lawyer, you don't stand a chance."

He glared at Johanna playfully, "I would've liked to have seen you in a courtroom, I bet you put on a good show."

She smiled, "I don't like to brag, but as my daughter likes to say, I've had my moments."

"That's probably how Jim ended up married to you, you probably tricked him with some clever turn of phrase, didn't you?" he teased.

She laughed, "No, but it did take some trickery to get him to date me officially."

"Shameless," he stated.

"A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," Johanna remarked.

"I want to hear that story," Martha told her.

"I'll tell you all about it," Johanna told her, "But first Rick has to tell me if he knows of anywhere Katie can wear her new dress to."

Castle grinned, "She wouldn't like you plotting on her behalf."

"I'm not," she said, "I'm just making a 'statement'."

"A layered statement."

"But a statement, none the less."

He nodded, "I may be able to come up with an occasion that would call for that dress," he said to her, "But there's a problem."

"What?" Johanna asked.

"You," he answered.

"I'm not a problem," she stated.

"You're not supposed to be alone in evenings."

"I have a husband," Johanna remarked, "He's quite capable of looking after me for an evening."

Castle nodded, "I'm not disputing that, but I believe you are supposed to have police protection, which you receive in the form of your daughter."

"Details," Johanna said, "Easily solved details. You have friends that have badges and guns, send one over to babysit me. I can deal with it if means she can go out and have a good time."

"I'll keep those 'statements' in mind and under consideration," he replied.

"You do that," she told him, "And don't think too long about it."

"Even if there is an occasion," he said, "She might say no."

Johanna shook her head, "She won't."

"She might," he said, "Occasion might seem like a date and she might balk at that."

"Then you don't attach that word to it," she replied, "It's not that hard."

He laughed lightly, "You have no idea how complicated she is."

Johanna looked him in the eye, "Who do you think she gets it from?"

He thought about that for a moment, "I'll concede that point to you."

"I figured you would."

"Am I safe in assuming that you would prefer these 'statements' to remain between the three of us?" he asked with a gleam in his eye.

Johanna nodded slightly, "Well we wouldn't want her to get her hopes up before any plans are made."

"That's really code for; you don't want her to know because she'll get mad at you for suggesting these things, right."

"I didn't suggest anything," Johanna said, "I merely made a statement that you read into and formed an opinion from. I can't be faulted for your thought process, obviously you were already thinking along those lines or you wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that you should be the one to provide her with an 'occasion'."

He smiled as he regarded her through a slightly narrowed gaze, "You're good."

She laughed, "It's good to know I haven't lost my touch."

He laughed and then walked away, leaving her in the company of his mother who had watched the scene with undisclosed glee.

* * *

Kate and Johanna lingered in the company of Castle and his family until late in the evening and then Kate rose from her place next to Castle and announced that it was time for them to go.

"I'm going with you," he stated, "And don't bother to argue."

"It's not necessary, Castle, we'll be fine."

"I can't hear you," he said as he went off towards his office to fetch his keys.

"Castle," she called after him.

"Still can't hear you."

Johanna nudged her and then leaned close to whisper in her ear, "Let him come along, this is your chance."

"Chance for what?" she asked.

"To try out that thing we 'danced' around this morning," she remarked.

Kate looked at her, "What, tonight?"

"No better time like the present."

"I don't know," Kate said as she pulled on her jacket.

"Opportunity is knocking, Katie, answer the door."

"I'll think about it."

They said their goodbyes to Martha and Alexis and then the three of them set out together for the return trip to Kate's apartment.

As they got off the elevator and began down the hallway, Castle took Kate's keys from her hand and moved ahead of them so that he could unlock the door for them. Johanna took the opportunity to grab Kate's elbow and hold her back a few steps.

"Did you think about it?"

She smiled shyly, "Yeah, I thought about it."

"And?"

"And, I don't know if he'll stay."

"Ask him."

"You make this sound so easy," Kate whispered.

"It is, just make it all look casual, and don't worry about me, I'm going to bed."

She smiled, "We'll see."

Castle had paused before her door and she was about to speak to him when he turned and gestured for her to remain silent. She grabbed her mother's arm, and they stopped in their tracks as Castle quietly and quickly made his way back to them and beckoned them to follow him back down the hallway.

"What is it?" Kate whispered.

"Did you lock your door?" he asked.

"Of course I did, I even double checked," she replied.

"It's not closed all the way," he told her.

"Did you hear anything?"

"No, but we know that doesn't necessarily mean anything."

Kate opened her purse and pulled out her gun, "send a text to Ryan and Esposito", she said to him as she handed her mother her purse and pushed her back into the shadows of the hallway.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and did as she asked while she turned to her mother.

"You stay here," she told her firmly, "You do not follow me, you do not come through that door until you are told that it is alright for you to do so, do you understand."

"Yes," Johanna answered, "But don't you even think of making him stay out here with me."

"He wouldn't even if I asked him too," Kate said.

"They're on their way," Castle whispered to her.

She nodded, "Let's go."

"Don't you want to wait for them?" he asked.

"No, I'm going in," Kate replied, "Are you coming with me?"

"I think we should wait."

"Castle, I'm not waiting," she stated, her tone and expression telling him that she was in total cop mode now and that she was on a mission.

"What about your mother?" he asked.

Kate looked at her mother, "I'll be fine," Johanna whispered, "Do what you think is best, Katie."

Kate looked over the hallway, she felt that the corner she had backed her mother into was dark enough to keep her concealed, and she saw no threat to her lurking in the hallway.

"You stay put," she demanded once again and her mother nodded in understanding.

"Let's go," she whispered to Castle.

Johanna watched them walk towards the door of the apartment, her heart in her throat as she prayed that no one was inside waiting to cause them harm.

Kate and Castle quietly approached the door and when she was in front of it she paused and listened. She could hear something from within the apartment and she caught Castle's eye and motioned for him to be ready. He nodded and she carefully opened the door.

…_to be continued_

_Authors Note: I know, you hate me, but I'll make it up to you lol_


	20. Chapter 20

_Authors Note: Thank you so much for your reviews! You've broken my record for most reviews for chapter 19! I'm sorry for the delay with this one, but I wanted to make sure I got some case details right and that required re-watching some episodes. I hope you enjoy this one!_

Chapter 20 – Army Of Me

'_One of me is wiser, One of me is stronger, One of me's a fighter, and there's a thousand faces of me, and we're going to rise up…for every time you've wronged me, you're going to face an army of me' – Christina Aguilera_

Kate cautiously and quietly entered her apartment with Castle following behind her. The living room was ransacked, but void of a suspect, and her eyes flicked towards the stand by the door that housed the gun she always left with Johanna. The stand had been left untouched and she carefully slid the drawer open and found the gun still lying inside. She lifted it from the drawer and handed it to Castle as she heard noise coming from the vicinity of the bedrooms.

She walked further into the apartment and they did a quick sweep of the kitchen, finding it empty but also in a state of disarray, as was her office area when they made their way through it. Slowly she crept towards the hallway which was littered with the contents of the hall closet. Kate paused for a moment, listening to the sounds of the intruder, trying to discern which bedroom the suspect was in. She looked to Castle, her eyes focused enough in the darkness to make out his features, and found him to be listening as intently as she was. He turned his face toward her and mouthed the words 'your room'. She nodded in agreement and then moved fluidly down the hallway, the strew articles on the floor muffling the sounds of her shoes as she went.

She and Castle each did a quick appraisal of Johanna's room through the open doorway. It was empty but had been given the same treatment as the rest of the apartment. Kate moved swiftly to the doorway of her own bedroom, her gun aimed as she slipped inside. Her eyes took in the room, shifting quickly from side to side looking for the source of the noise and then her gaze fell upon a figure stooped down on the far side of the bed as he riffled through the contents of her nightstand drawer.

"Show me your hands," she said; her tone deadly serious as she moved up behind him. The intruder was startled and turned at the sound of her voice.

"Hands, now!" she demanded firmly as Castle shifted into position to her side.

In the dim light filtering through the window she could see the intruder smirk but he raised his hands and stayed in place.

"Castle, lights," she said as stayed in position, her gun still trained on the man kneeling in front of her.

Castle found the light switch and flipped it on, causing the intruder to blink against the light. When she had grabbed her gun from her purse she had also snatched up her cuffs and shoved them into her pocket. She quickly pulled them out and stepped towards the suspect and cuffed him as Castle stood guard. With the cuffs in place she made him stand and she saw a handgun sticking in his waistband. She removed it and tossed it aside.

"Looks like the only smart thing you've done tonight is not going for the gun," she told her intruder but he said nothing, only continued to look at her as if the whole thing were amusing to him.

Kate turned her attention back to her partner and addressed him. "Castle, go get her, take her into the kitchen and tell her to stay there and not to touch anything."

He hesitated, not really wanting to leave her alone with the intruder even if he was in handcuffs but she locked her gaze on his and said, "Go, I got this, get her out of the hallway."

He nodded and left the room to do as she asked and she turned her focus back to the man standing in her room. She pegged him as being in his early to mid 30's, and by his calm demeanor she knew that this wasn't his first time go around with the police.

"What's your name?" she asked.

He shrugged, "Whatever you want it to be."

Kate smirked, "Tough guy, huh," she said as her eyes flicked around the room and landed on the duffel bag that was full of things she assumed belonged to her and her mother.

Castle left the apartment and quickly made his way back up the hallway in search of Johanna. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found her still standing in the spot Kate had put her in.

"Come on," he said to her as he reached for her arm and drew her out of the shadows.

"Is Katie okay?" she whispered; her voice full of fear and concern as she noticed the gun he still held in his hand.

"She's fine," he assured, "She got him."

"Someone was still in there?" she asked quietly as her face paled a bit at the thought.

He nodded, "He was still there but she got him without incident and he's now in handcuffs. She's fine, not a scratch on her."

Johanna nodded in acceptance of his statement and fell quiet as he led her into the apartment. She sucked in a breath as she saw the state of disarray but Castle didn't allow her to pause and take it all in. He kept a firm but gentle hold on her elbow and guided her into the kitchen, where he flipped on a light and pulled out a chair for her at the kitchen table.

"She wants you to stay here," he told her, "And don't touch anything."

"Alright," she answered, "Now go back to her."

He gave her a smile and then hurried back through the apartment, stopping only as Ryan and Esposito came barging through the open doorway.

"Beckett?" Esposito asked.

"Bedroom," Castle said gesturing towards the hallway, "She caught him."

"Her mother?" Ryan asked.

"Kitchen," he answered with another gesture in that direction.

They took off in the direction of Kate's room while Castle shut the door and returned the gun he was holding to the drawer of the stand she had taken it from. He then made his way back to Kate's room, finding her looking through the duffel bag as Esposito searched the suspect.

She raised her head and caught his eye, "Is she okay?" she asked.

"She's fine," he assured, "I put her in the kitchen and gave her your instructions."

"Good," she answered as she continued to look through the contents of the bag.

"What's in there?" Castle asked as he knelt down next to her.

"Little bit of everything," she replied, "My jewelry, hers, our laptops, papers, files, notebooks, flash drives, the money I had stashed for emergencies, money that I assume is hers that she must've had somewhere in her room."

"ID says Miguel Sanchez," Ryan announced as he held up the wallet that Esposito had handed him.

"Beckett," Esposito said, grabbing her attention, "Take a look at this."

She shifted her gaze to his hand and caught sight of a bug that he had found in the man's pocket.

"Any others?" she asked.

He shook his head, "This is the only one," he said.

Kate rose from her spot by the duffel bag and reached for the gun Sanchez had been carrying. She handed it to Ryan, along with the duffel bag.

"You guys do the honors and take him in," she stated, "I've already read him his rights, so far he's chosen to remain silent, but we'll see if he changes his mind once he's there. We'll be a few minutes behind you."

"We'll take care of it," Ryan said as Esposito took hold of the suspects arm and escorted him out.

Kate turned off the lights in her bedroom and then she made her way to the kitchen, a part of her feeling anxious to see her mother even though she knew she was fine. Johanna was still in the chair that Castle had pulled out for her, her purse still slung over her shoulder and Kate's gripped tightly in her hand. The shopping bag that she had been carrying containing the dress and the handbag she had bought was sitting on the floor next to her.

"You okay?" Kate asked her.

"I'm fine," Johanna replied as Kate carefully pried her purse from her hand, "How about you?"

"I'm fine too," she assured her.

"What are you going to do with her while we're at the precinct?" Castle asked.

She paused for a moment, she hadn't thought about what to do with Johanna. She couldn't leave her there, it was late and who knew who might be lurking about, watching, hoping that she would be left unattended.

"We could take her back to the loft," Castle suggested as Kate motioned for her mother to get up from her chair. "She'd be safe there."

It was a good idea but as she looked at Johanna and saw the traces of worry and fear in her eyes she felt a wave of protectiveness wash over her, along with a feeling of reluctance to be away from her.

"We'll take her with us," Kate answered.

"You sure about that?" he asked.

She nodded, "Ryan and Esposito can look after her while we're in interrogation."

Castle studied her expression for a moment and found that it would be futile to argue. She had made up her mind and it was obvious that she wanted to keep her mother close, if only for her own peace of mind.

"Alright," he answered in regards to her plan.

"Do you have my keys?" she asked as she searched her pockets.

He nodded and pulled them from his pocket and handed them to her. "Where is the gun I gave you?" she asked.

"I put it back in the drawer you took it out of," he answered.

Kate motioned for Johanna to follow her and Castle trailed behind them. He watched them, each of them masking the emotions he had saw playing in their eyes, acting as though they weren't shaken by the episode but he knew better. Kate was in cop mode, with her game face on but he could see through it; he could see that the part of her that functioned as a concerned daughter had taken over a bit once the suspect was taken away, and he saw her reluctance to leave Johanna behind somewhere and he knew that stemmed from the part of her that was worried she'd lose her again.

He could see the stiffness in Johanna's spine, as she walked beside her daughter. The vestiges of worry and fear pushed away and no longer visible in her gaze, but he knew those feelings still lingered. He didn't know whom was being brave for whom as they walked towards the elevator in silence, but it seemed as though they were feeding off of each others energy and then as they stood in the elevator he watched as Johanna slipped her hand into Kate's and how Kate accepted the gesture, gripping it tightly and not letting go until they reached the car. It was as if some silent code had been passed between them through that gesture, Castle didn't know what it was but whatever it had been they seemed to draw a measure of comfort from it.

* * *

Ryan and Esposito were waiting for them when they arrived at the precinct, Miguel Sanchez's arrest record in hand. Kate skimmed over the record, the usual wrap sheet that seemed to plague most of the people she came into contact with, greeting her eyes. Assault charges, DUI's, Robbery, Burglary, Breaking and Entering, Domestic Violence. He'd done some stints in prison, his most recent release had been five months prior and he was on parole. She quickly read over the reports that detailed his time in prison, apparently in the general prison population he hadn't proven to be quite as tough as he wanted to pretend.

"Where is he?" she asked.

"Interrogation 2," Ryan answered.

Kate looked to Ryan and Esposito, "Don't let her out of your sight," she said with a nod towards her mother.

They each moved to Johanna's side, putting her between them. "Don't worry," Esposito said, "We'll take care of Mama B, and you go take care of your slime ball."

Johanna caught her eye and gave her a small smile, "I feel like I've been adopted."

Kate grinned, "You fed them," she told her, "Ryan and Esposito are like stray cats, you fed them once and they're yours for life."

"Is that what it is?" Johanna asked as she looked between the men at her sides, "You're willing to claim me in hopes that there is free food in your future?"

"That's not all of it," Esposito replied.

"Yeah," Ryan told her, "We like you too."

"We're going to make you the unofficial den mother of the 12th precinct," Esposito said to her.

"That sounds exciting," Johanna answered.

"The three of you can work out the details of that while I'm interrogating our unwanted guest," Kate stated as she motioned for Castle to follow her towards the room.

They watched her go and then Ryan and Esposito led Johanna to the door of the observing room.

"What are we doing?" she asked them.

"We're going to watch," Ryan answered.

"You can see your girl in action," Esposito added.

"She might not like that."

"Don't worry," Ryan said, "We'll tell her it was our idea."

Kate threw the file containing Miguel Sanchez's wrap sheet and reports on the table and then took a seat across from her intruder as Castle sat down beside her.

"You want to tell me what you were doing in my apartment this evening, Mr. Sanchez?" she asked as she looked him in the eye.

He smirked as he shrugged, "A job."

"A job," she repeated, "What kind of job? For yourself or for someone else?"

Sanchez said nothing, just continued to smirk at her.

Her gaze narrowed, "I get that you think you're a tough guy," she told him, "But I've seen the records of your prison stays, apparently you're not as tough as you think. You can't hack it with the big boys, from what I've read, you're their favorite punching bag Miguel."

His smirk faltered as Castle picked up the dialogue, "I bet some of those guys are still in there," he stated.

Kate nodded, "I'd say that's a safe bet."

"They've probably missed him."

"Yeah, I bet they'll be happy to see him come back, because right now he's got enough charges against him to provide him with a nice long stay with his old friends. Violation of parole, possession of a fire arm, breaking and entering, theft, burglary, the list goes on and on."

"Maybe they'll give him a welcome home party," Castle said as he eyed Sanchez.

"Let me ask you again, Mr. Sanchez, what were you doing in my apartment?"

"I told you," he answered, "I was doing a job."

"Who was this job for?" she demanded to know, "Was it for your own personal gain or were you hired?"

"What's the difference?" he asked.

"I think you know the difference," she said firmly.

He sat back in his seat, his gaze straying everywhere but Kate's face as he contemplated his fate.

"I was hired," he stated.

"By who?"

"Someone."

"Give me a name," she demanded.

"I don't have one."

Her jaw clenched and she slammed a hand on the table, "Give me a name!"

"Lady, I don't have a name!" he shouted back, "They call him Shadow, he came to me."

"Who's they?"

"People on the street," he remarked.

"So he's known in your circles?" Castle inquired.

Sanchez nodded, "People know of him but you rarely ever see him, that's why they call him Shadow, he stays out of sight and when someone wants something done then he finds you and gives you the job."

"Why you? Why did he come to you, Miguel?"

"I don't know."

"What did he tell you?" she asked, "What were the terms of your deal?"

"He said his client needed an apartment broken in to, said a lady cop and her mother lived there, so I'd have to be careful and patient. He told me to watch you for awhile, and wait until you and your mother were out of the place. He wanted me to toss the place real good, make it look random. He told me his client wanted any papers and computers that the two of you had," Sanchez told her.

"Why papers and the computers?" Castle questioned.

"He didn't say, he just told me to get them."

"And what were you to get in return?" Beckett asked.

"Five thousand up front, five thousand after I delivered what he wanted, and I could take and keep any valuables I wanted while I did the job. Not that you have much worth taking," he sneered, "All of your paychecks must go to Victoria's Secrets," he said with a smirk, "You have quite a collection."

"She should've shot him," Johanna said as she stood in the observation room with Ryan and Esposito.

"The night's still young," Esposito commented as they watched Castle's hand curl into a fist.

Kate didn't flinch at the remark, just continued to stare him down. She'd let him say what he wanted in hopes that something of a stronger lead would develop.

"And your mother is no better," Sanchez remarked, "A bracelet and some earrings, and an old ring on a broken chain."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," she told him, "I'll make sure I buy her something real nice for Christmas that way the next time she's being robbed it will be worth it to the person committing the crime."

He fell silent and they stared at each other for a few moments until finally he looked away.

"You want to tell me about the bug we found in your pocket?" Kate asked.

"That was part of the deal," he answered, "Get the papers and the computers, plant the bugs and toss the place."

"Did Shadow provide the bugs?" Castle asked.

"Yeah."

"Any idea who Shadow's client is?" she asked.

"No, and I don't care."

"Maybe you should," Kate told him.

"As long as I get paid I don't care."

"How do I find this 'Shadow'," she inquired.

"I don't know," he said, "I told you, he came to me."

"So what are you saying Miguel? Shadow is like Santa? You write him a letter asking for a convict to do a little burglary and Shadow comes and fills your request?" Kate remarked.

"Something like that," he replied.

"Who is he?" she demanded to know, "Who is Shadow and where can I find him?"

"I don't know."

"You have to know," she told him, "You have to know how to contact him, how else would he know the job has been done? How would he know you have what his client wants?"

Sanchez clamed up and she decided to go for a different tactic.

"You know, you should probably be thanking me," she said.

"For what?" he snorted, "Arresting me?"

Kate nodded, "Yeah, I probably did you a big favor by coming home earlier than you expected and catching you, you know why?"

The suspect said nothing but he kept his gaze trained on her face and she continued on after a brief pause. "By the time we found the last person who worked for these people, he had a bullet between his eyes for his trouble. Chances are that whenever you met up with Shadow again to hand over the goods, he would've killed you too. You would've been a liability, Miguel, and this client of Shadow's, he hates liabilities."

That statement seemed to strike him and she kept at him, "Where is he Miguel? Tell me where to find him."

"I told you I don't know. He told me he'd be in contact."

"When?"

"He didn't say."

"When did he hire you?"

"Last week."

"Describe him," she demanded as she clicked her pen and took a piece of paper from her folder.

"He's white, about 5'10, probably about 190, 200 pounds, brown hair," Sanchez told her.

"Anything else?" she asked.

"He wears expensive looking clothes, always black."

"Any tattoo's, scars, anything like that?"

"Not that I've seen," he replied, "But he wears a diamond pinky ring."

Kate nodded as she took down the information, "Anything else you can tell me about Shadow?"

Sanchez shrugged, "From what I've heard he's good at disappearing."

"When was the last time he contacted you?"

"A couple days ago," he said.

"In person or by phone?"

"In person."

"Where?"

"At my place."

"And what was this meeting about?"

"He wanted to know if I'd done the job yet."

"Was he getting impatient?" Kate asked.

Sanchez shook his head, "No, he just kept telling me the deal, and telling me to make sure both of you weren't there when I did the job, and he'd check back with me in a few days."

"Do you think you could describe Shadow to a sketch artist?" she asked.

"What's in it for me if I do?" he asked.

Kate eyed him for a moment, "I'll put in a good word with the DA, I'll make sure he knows that you didn't attempt to go for your gun and that you didn't resist arrest. Now do you think you can describe him to a sketch artist?"

He nodded, "I can do that."

While Kate wrapped up the interview, Ryan and Esposito escorted Johanna back to the bull pen and sat her at Kate's desk while they congregated around it waiting for her return.

"Do you believe him about this 'Shadow' person?" Esposito asked when Beckett and Castle made it back to her desk.

"You were supposed to be watching my mother, not me," she remarked quietly, even though the bullpen was deserted.

"We took her with us," Ryan replied.

Kate shifted her gaze to her mother, "You were watching me?"

"They made me," she answered, "And just so you know, I think you should've shot him."

It took Kate a moment to figure out that statement and then she realized that her mother had probably been angered by the remark Sanchez had made in regards to her underwear drawer.

"He was just trying to rattle me," she replied.

Johanna nodded, "The part of my brain that still functions in regards to being an attorney knows that, but as your mother, I say shoot him."

"Or at least hit him," Caste commented, his hand clenching into a fist once again.

"I'd like to," Kate answered, "But none of that matters. I believe him that there is a middle man involved, I'm just not sure that I believe he's only made contact in person. It's late and there isn't much we can do tonight, but first thing in the morning I want Sanchez sitting down with a sketch artist. I also want you checking his phone records and financials. I want to see about the first half of the payment and any other suspicious activity. I'm sure the money will prove untraceable, as always, but let's cover our bases anyway. Run this alias 'Shadow' through the databases; see if we get any hits and a name."

They murmured their agreements in terms of the tasks she had set and they moved to their computers to put in their requests for the records they needed so they'd be ready to get started as soon as possible in the morning.

"Listen," Castle said as they remained standing at her desk, "It's late; your place is in shambles and you're both tired so why don't we go grab some things for the two of you and then come stay at the loft tonight. We'll clean up tomorrow."

Kate looked to her mother who had been listening to the exchange, "What do you think?" she asked her.

"Let's do that, Katie," she said quietly.

She looked back at Castle, "You sure you don't mind?"

"Of course not," he replied, "You know that."

She nodded in agreement; it had been a stupid question. "Let's go," she said as she took her purse from her mother's hands once again.

* * *

Kate was silent as they drove towards her apartment and Castle left her to her thoughts, sensing her need to run through it on her own. He knew that when they got to the loft and Johanna had been tucked away safely in the guest room, she'd open up to him and share her thought process with him. He turned his head a few degrees and glanced at Johanna in the back seat and found her to be staring blankly out the window.

"He said 'bugs'," Kate said breaking the silence.

"Yeah," he said in response, remembering the bug Esposito had found in his pocket.

"Esposito only found one in his pocket," she stated.

He saw where she was going, "You think he already planted some before we got there?"

She glanced at him, "We're going to find out before we leave for the night."

"You want to drop her off first?" he asked.

"No," she replied, "She can help and we'll get done faster."

Castle nodded and she flicked her gaze to the image of her mother in the rear view mirror. "Are you up for that?" she asked her.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do, Kate," Johanna answered as she pulled her gaze away from the window.

As they stood outside her door once again, she quietly gave instructions for the search of any bugs, and to speak quietly and only if necessary until they had gone through the apartment.

Kate sent Johanna off to search the guest room and she assigned Castle to the kitchen as she took the living room. She skillfully ran her hands under the edges of the coffee table and then got down on her hands and knees and looked under. There in the center she found a bug and pulled it off and shoved it into the evidence baggie she had taken from the trunk of the car. She searched under the stands and ran her hands along the undersides of the sofa and chairs. She scoured the bookcases and came up with another one.

Castle caught her attention as he entered the room, holding up the bug he had found beneath the kitchen table. She held the baggie out to him and he dropped it inside and then returned to the kitchen to complete his task. As she finished searching the living room, her mother appeared at her side and opened her palm showing her the bug she had discovered under the edge of her nightstand. It was dropped into the baggie with the others and Kate leaned close to whisper in her ear, "Did you check everywhere in the room?"

"Yes."

"Take my room next," she told her.

Castle returned to the room, he hadn't found anymore in the kitchen and together they searched the office area. He came up with on that had been attached to the desk and he added it to their collection. They continued on, running their hands over and under window sills and doorframes, and double checking furniture and other surfaces as they made their way through the apartment, eventually ending in her bedroom where Johanna was running her hands along the frame of the bed.

"Anything?" Kate whispered.

She shook her head, "I haven't looked there," she whispered as she pointed to the dresser.

Castle took the task while Kate double checked everything in her room and then did the same in Johanna's room. They didn't find any more and Kate sealed the baggie that contained the five they had discovered.

"Do you think we got them all?" Castle asked her quietly.

"As far as I can tell," she answered, "I'll re-check everything tomorrow when we clean up."

"What are you going to do with those?" he asked.

"I'll lock them in the trunk until I can hand them off to Ryan and Esposito," she answered before turning towards her mother and telling her, "Go pack a bag for tonight."

Johanna retreated from the room and found a bag amid the chaos and began picking things up from the floor and tossing them inside as Kate did the same in her room.

Castle was waiting for them in the living room when they appeared with their overnight bags. Kate went to the stand by the door and once again removed the gun and held it out to her mother.

"Put it in your purse," she instructed, "From now on it stays with you at all times, even when you're with me. If we go out, it goes with you. When you go to bed, it goes with you, do you understand?"

"Yes," Johanna answered as she unzipped her purse and placed the gun inside.

* * *

They made there way back to Castle's loft and Martha was up and waiting for them when they walked though the door as Castle had texted her while at Kate's apartment. Martha ushered Johanna up to the guest room and Kate dropped her bag in Castle's room and then went upstairs to make sure her mother was settled in for the night. She sat on the edge of the bed waiting on her mother to return from changing her clothes. When she entered the room Kate asked her once again if she was fine and Johanna told her that she was but then she paused and locked eyes with her.

"Should we call your father?" she asked her.

Kate considered the thought but found it unappealing, "Do you want to call him?" she asked.

"Would you think I'm terrible if I said no?" Johanna questioned.

She shook her head, "No, I don't want to call him either."

Her mother smiled softly, trying to ease the guilt they both felt about the situation, "No sense in costing him a night's sleep."

"Yeah, I'll probably lose enough for both of us," Kate replied.

Johanna nodded, "There's nothing he can do right now anyway. Tomorrow's soon enough for him to find out."

Kate sighed, "But he's probably going to yell at us about not calling."

"Chances are he'd yell either way, and personally I'd rather be yelled at tomorrow than tonight," Johanna remarked.

"Yeah," Kate agreed, "Tomorrow's more convenient."

"You're not going to throw me under the bus and tell him it was my idea not to call, are you?" Johanna asked in a slightly teasing manner.

"No," Kate replied, "Not unless you're going to throw me under it."

She shook her head, "No, we'll take the fall together."

"Like that time we put a dent in the car," Kate said.

"Yeah, that was fun," Johanna replied.

Kate laughed lightly, "That was a lot of yelling."

"He got over it."

Kate grew quiet for a moment before rising from the edge of the bed, "Try and get some sleep."

Johanna scoffed, "Right, I'll probably get as much sleep as you do."

She nodded in understanding, "If you need me, I'll be downstairs."

"I'll be fine."

"Don't worry, darling," Martha said from the doorway, "I'll keep her company."

Kate gave Martha a grateful smile and then left the room.

* * *

Castle waited for her in the living room as she took her time changing into her pajamas and then he sat quietly as she paced the length of his living room more times than he could count, her hands fluttering in agitation every time she raised one to rake through her hair or tapped them against her thighs. Finally she turned towards the couch and faced him.

"Here we go again," she stated with a sigh.

He caught and held her gaze, "Let's focus on the positive things about tonight first."

"Like what?" she asked, raising her hands in a questioning gesture.

"Like the fact that Sanchez struck while you and Johanna weren't there; the fact that you caught him, that his deal with Shadow didn't say anything about harming either of you."

"How long do you think that's going to last, Castle?" she asked, "Eventually he's going to issue the order."

"But he hasn't yet," he reiterated, "He's still playing it safe, that gives us time."

"Yeah," Kate remarked, "Because he wants to find out how much we know. That's why he wanted the papers and computers; he's trying to find out what information I have, what my mother knows or has in her possession. He wanted the place bugged so they could know every move we make and every discussion we have."

"I know that," Castle replied, "But we got Sanchez before he ever made it out of your apartment, we found the bugs and we have someone new to look for in this chain."

Kate started pacing again, "A tall brown haired man," she stated, "That's like looking for a needle in a haystack. We don't even know his real name."

She continued on, ranting about all the unknown things about this mysterious middle man and Castle stayed quiet allowing her to vent freely.

"You're right," he said when she finished; "Tonight we don't know anything that helps, but tomorrow could be different. Ryan and Esposito might find something that leads us to Shadow and blows this thing wide open."

She looked at him skeptically, "Do you really believe that?"

"It's possible."

"Truthfully, Rick," she said as she held his gaze, "Do you think that's going to happen?"

He couldn't tell her yes, because they both knew he'd be lying. "No," he answered.

"That's what I thought."

"Doesn't mean we can't hope," he replied.

She smiled slightly, "We can hope, but it's probably a waste of time."

"It's better to waste time on hope then to reconcile ourselves to impending doom."

Kate laughed softly, "Are you getting philosophical?"

He grinned, "I count it among my many, many talents."

"I'm not sure it's legal for one man to have all the talents you claim to have, Castle," she teased.

"Well I'm not your average man," he quipped.

She laughed, "Yeah, I know, you're a one man circus."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a renaissance man," he returned.

She pretended to ponder the thought for a moment and then shook her head, "Nah, I'm still seeing you in clown shoes and a red nose."

"Oh," he said mischievously, "You want me to wear costumes for you…kinky."

She burst into a fit of giggles and he laughed with her until silence fell and her face clouded over with worry. He rose from his place on the sofa and went to her, wrapping her in his embrace.

She held on to him, struggling against the feeling of helplessness that she felt.

"It's going to be alright," he told her as he pulled back enough to look into her face, "You're okay and she's okay and it's all going to be fine."

"Promise?"

He cupped her face and kissed her tenderly, "Always."

She nodded and offered him a weary smile and then pulled away. "I know she's up there with your mom and she's fine but I…"

"You don't have to explain, Kate," he told her, "Go look in on them if it'll make you feel better, no one's going to hold it against you."

* * *

Martha had been engaging Johanna in light conversation, doing everything she could to keep her mind off her troubles and Johanna was very appreciative but she felt badly for keeping Martha up and when a lull in their conversation presented itself she said to her, "You don't have to sit up with me all night, Martha. I'll be okay if you want to go to bed."

Martha shook her head, "Nonsense, I've pulled all nighters before."

"Probably for better reasons," Johanna said with a laugh.

Martha chuckled, "Some of them, others are probably the same as you've had, walking the floors with a fussy baby, being up with a sick toddler, watching the clock because they're fifteen minutes past curfew."

She nodded as she laughed lightly, "I remember."

"I've told you some of my stories," Martha said as she cast a glance at her friend, "Now tell me some of yours."

"What would you like to hear?" Johanna asked.

The redhead thought for a moment and then smiled, "Well, since we're discussing our children, why don't you tell me about having Kate."

Johanna smiled and began to tell her about having Kate and then she laughed softly as the memories overwhelmed her, "I was in awe of her, this perfect little person that I had fallen in love with from the moment I knew of her existence, but I was terrified of her."

Martha chuckled lightly, "And all these years I thought I was the only one who was terrified of my newborn."

She smiled at her, "I always thought I was the only one too. The day we were to go home the nurse brought her in to me so I could dress her, I took her out of that little bed they wheel them around in and I laid her on mine and unwrapped her and then I froze," she said with a laugh, "She's lying there in a diaper and hospital undershirt and I'm standing there with these tiny pink socks in my hand thinking, 'If I screw this up they'll never let me keep her'."

"You still have her so I assume you did alright," Martha said with an understanding smile.

She laughed, "I think it took me about five minutes to get those socks on her feet and she was wide awake the whole time, and even though I knew that newborns eyes are unfocused, I felt like she was watching me. I kept talking to her the whole time, promising I would get better as I tried to finagle her into that little white sleeper, and the whole time I'm terrified that I'm going to move an arm or a leg the wrong way and break her. Finally I got her into it, and as I'm snapping all those snaps I'm thinking about the sweater and hat I still have to get on her, and then her hand curled around my finger and I looked up at her face…and it sounds crazy but I felt like she was telling me 'Hey, you got this, I trust you'."

"Doesn't sound crazy at all," Martha said softly, "I've had those moments too. I remember once when Richard was about eight months old and money was tight and I was telling him my troubles as he sat in his high chair. I looked at him and said 'What do you think, kiddo, do you think we'll make it?' and he just smiled at me and started babbling away happily in that baby talk and like you I felt as though it was a message, like he was telling me he had confidence in me, that he knew I'd find a way."

"And you did," Johanna said with a smile.

Martha nodded, "And I did…it's funny though isn't, how as children they can look at us with so much confidence, like they're just so sure we can take on the world and win, that it gives us that little pick me up and makes us think that maybe we can."

"They think we do all the giving when they're kids…but Katie's given me more then she could ever imagine. Those little moments when she'd pick flowers for me or think I could do anything; sometimes those things just meant so very much," Johanna said.

"I understand completely."

"I'd stand over her crib sometimes, or when she was older I'd just stand in the doorway of her room and watch her sleep, and sometimes I couldn't help but wonder how something so precious came from two people who took years to get their acts together. I thought being in awe of her would wear off after I had her home from the hospital, but it never has. The other day she came home from work and she was so tired that she just laid her stuff down and curled up on the couch and went to sleep, not even bothering to take her shoes off."

Johanna paused for a moment to swallow the lump growing in her throat, "I went to her and I pulled her shoes off and I couldn't help but think of that moment in the hospital when I was afraid to put those little socks on her feet, and how now she shoves those feet into a pair of heels everyday and goes out and saves her little corner of the world…and that terrifies me but I couldn't be more proud of her, of what she is, of what she does. I'm so very proud and I'm still in awe. I'm still in awe of this person that I helped create, because I honestly don't know how someone so special could've come from me."

In the hallway, just outside the door which was partially ajar, Kate leaned against the wall as a tear spilled down her cheek. Those statements she hadn't been meant to hear had struck a nerve and stirred the contents of her heart. What had she ever done to inspire 'awe'? She couldn't think of anything, she had spent her whole life in awe of her mother, in her mind her mother had been the special one, the one who fought to save her corner of the world as she termed it, she'd been the one who taught her about justice and right and wrong, and giving a voice to those who couldn't use their own. She had spent the last thirteen years wondering how someone like her could've come from someone as special as Johanna had been.

She quietly slipped away, unable to face her now, and not wanting her to know that she had overheard a portion of her conversation with Martha. She went back downstairs to Castle and when he saw the moisture in her eyes he became alarmed.

"What's wrong?" he asked, "Is she okay?"

"She's fine," she said; her tone shaky with emotion.

"Then why are you crying?" he asked as she moved towards him and laid her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around him.

She told him about what she overheard and he looked at her in confusion, "What's wrong with that?" he asked.

"Nothing," she answered, "I just don't think I've done anything to deserve it."

"Of course you have," he told her.

"What?"

"You're her daughter," he explained, "That's plenty…and you're the extraordinary K.B.," he added.

She smiled as he wiped her cheeks, "I don't feel extraordinary lately."

"But you are," he assured her and she fell quiet, basking in his embrace as they sat together.

They sat up watching television all night, neither one of them even bothering to try and sleep. They were still sitting there when Martha, Johanna and Alexis descended the stairs the next morning and it was obvious that Alexis had been the only one who had slept.

Castle gave Kate and Johanna the privacy of his office so they could place their call to Jim. Kate put him on speakerphone and together she and Johanna told him what happened and why he hadn't been informed sooner. He didn't yell, but there were long pauses of silence in which Kate and her mother traded glances knowing that he was counting to ten so he wouldn't lose his temper with them. He made sure they were alright and then he agreed to give them time to clean up before they came over.

By the time they were through with their call, Castle had breakfast ready for them and while they ate Kate placed a call to Ryan to make sure Sanchez was talking to a sketch artist and to tell him that she and her mother, along with Castle would be heading back to her apartment as soon as breakfast was finished.

* * *

It took a few hours but finally the three of them had Kate's kitchen and living room back in order, and she had received a text from Esposito letting her know that they were coming over.

A knock at the door heralded their arrival around noon. Castle let them in and they made small talk for a few minutes and then Kate told them about the bugs they had found in the apartment the night before and that she had them locked in the trunk of the car. She took note of the file folder Ryan was holding in his hand and she beckoned them to follow her to the kitchen and shooed Johanna off, telling her to go put her room back in order and reminding her to be thorough while looking over the room again and to let her know if she found anything that shouldn't be there.

"What have you found?" Kate asked once the four of them were gathered around her kitchen table.

"Phone records show calls coming from a burner cell, but we can't trace it and we don't know if it's Shadow or not," Ryan told her.

"What about the financials?" she asked, trying not to be disappointed, she had known all along that these roadblocks would be awaiting her.

"There's the five thousand dollar payment," Esposito stated, "But like Scott Hayes, it bounced through various accounts, we were able to find that it originated in the Cayman Islands."

"Another dead end," Kate said, giving in to agitation and running a hand through her hair.

"What about Shadow?" Castle asked, "Any word on who he might be?"

"We've run the alias," Esposito told him, "We found a few mentions of him in relation to other cases when someone has been hired to carry out someone's dirty work but the guy seems to live up to his name; no one's ever found him in connection to these other cases and there's no record of anyone with that alias being arrested."

"Anything else?" she asked.

"From what we've gathered from reading the other case reports that deal with Shadow," Ryan began, "We can assume that he works for members of high society that need 'problems' solved. They somehow contact this guy and tell him what they need done, Shadow then finds someone to carry out the job all the while keeping his own hands clean."

"Like his employer," Kate commented.

"Exactly," Ryan replied.

"Did Sanchez sit down with the sketch artist?" Castle asked.

Esposito nodded and pulled the sheet from the file and slid it across the table. Castle and Beckett studied the image of an average looking man, a man know one would pay attention to if they crossed paths with him in the street.

"We're still running the alias and sketch through the F.B.I. Database, we'll let you know if anything pops," Ryan told her.

She nodded, "Thanks guys."

They talked awhile longer, theorizing over different avenues of search in regards to Shadow but came up empty. Sanchez lived in an old run old apartment building that didn't make use of security camera's, which didn't provide them with the option of video footage. Kate figured that was probably one of the things Shadow considered when picking someone to carry out a job. He would want to be careful, not wanting to take chances of being caught on camera, and she figured that he probably had multiple burner cells or simply disposed of them and bought a new one as the need surfaced. Sanchez had said he dressed expensively, obviously his job as the middle man paid well and they weren't going to find him in the usual places.

* * *

Johanna checked her room thoroughly just as Kate had instructed her, while she picked up the clothes, books, and magazines that had been tossed all over the floor, along with suitcases that had been pulled from the closet and obviously searched through. She came across the small wooden box that she had brought with her from Wyoming that she used to hold the few pieces of jewelry that she had came with. It was empty of course, the contents still at the precinct. She was grateful that her engagement ring was resting on her finger, and that her wedding band was still attached to the chain around her neck. She didn't care about the bracelet and the pairs of earrings that had been taken, but she was bothered by the fact that her emerald ring had almost been lost for good.

She wanted to give that ring back to Kate one day, and the thought of that being taken from her disturbed her to no end and she hoped that Kate would be able to bring it home soon, because Johanna wanted it in her possession until the time was right. Her fingers grazed across her diamond ring; it had killed her to pull off her rings that day in 1999, she had felt naked without them and it had taken her a long time to stop running her fingers across her skin, thinking that she would come in contact with the smooth bands and the facets of the stones. Johanna shook those thoughts away and reached inside the box and pulled back the velvet lining to see if the things she had hidden were still there.

The items had shifted but they were still there and she breathed a sigh of relief as she lifted the four wallet sized photos from their hiding place. She gazed at them as she had so many times over the years, the only physical link she had in regards to her old life. She had been told that she could take nothing with her, but Johanna hadn't been able to stand the thought of not at least having a photograph. She had slipped the photos from the small album she had kept in one of her desk drawers, wrapped them in a tissue, hid them in her bra and carried them to the new life she was forced to assume.

Her eyes flicked across the images, the first photo of her and Jim from before they were married, the second was the family photo they had taken when Kate was five, the third was one of Kate's senior portraits, and the fourth was a picture of her mother. Johanna studied them one more time and then tucked them back beneath the lining of the box and then closed the lid before placing it back on top of the dresser. She forced away the melancholy thoughts that threatened to creep into her mind and finished putting her room back together.

She then moved on to the hallway, set on putting the closet back to rights as Kate continued to conduct her business in the kitchen. Her collection of coats and jackets had been tossed everywhere and Johanna took on the task of picking them up and checking the pockets for listening devices. She found nothing, with the exception of candy wrappers, tissues, and crumpled up scraps of paper. She smiled, some things never changed. She had always had to check Kate's pockets before she had done the laundry, a trait that she shared with her father, for she had always had to check Jim's pockets as well.

It was a daunting task but slowly the floor began to be visible as each jacket found its hanger and made its way back into the closet. There was a black dress coat left on the floor and she grabbed a hanger and snatched it up, only to pause before hanging it. She had had a coat like the one she was holding, and as she studied it she realized that it was exactly like the one she used to own. Johanna cast a quick glance in the direction of the kitchen and when she saw no sign of Kate, she looked it over closely, and then upon remembering something that would tell her for certain if it was hers, she moved to the left hand pocket and pulled it open and found the smudge of red nail polish that had never come out of the material.

It was her coat; that was her smudge of red nail polish. She remembered that she hadn't realized that her nails weren't completely dry that day and she had shoved her hand into her pocket in search of her keys leaving that small stain behind. She clutched it to her chest for a moment, Jim had bought her that coat for her birthday one year, and Kate had always coveted it. She didn't remember seeing it in the closet that day curiosity had gotten the best of her and she had looked through Kate's collection, so she assumed that it had been hanging in the back, hidden by the others and that was where she placed it once she put it on a hanger.

With the coats and jackets back on the rack in the closet, Johanna began picking up the boxes that had been sorted through and she placed the contents back inside, making them ready to go back inside the closet, but first she had to clean up the clutter that had been left on the closet floor. She crawled halfway in, picking up gloves and scarves and righting a box that had been knocked over in the back of the closet, and then she saw it, a familiar black leather purse. The last Mother's Day gift that Kate had given her, the one she had been carrying that dreadful day in January.

Her fingers moved towards it of their own free will, grasping the strap and pulling it toward her. Johanna expected it to be empty, but as she picked it up it felt weighted and without thought she unhooked its closures and peered inside. Another time capsule of her life appeared in front of her and without thought she began to pull the items out, examining them, touching them, recalling how they'd been apart of her daily life. Kate had said that she had dumped it out and searched it after it had been released to her and Johanna believed that, but she had obviously put everything back the way it had been.

Her comb still had strands of hair tangled in its teeth, her small makeup bag still held a compact, lipstick, mascara, and eye shadow. Her keys were there, her checkbook, the small notebook she sometimes used to jot things down, pens, ponytail holders, bobby pins, loose change, receipts, gum wrappers, mail, her wallet. She unsnapped the wallet and found that her credit cards, bank card, and drivers license were all still in the slots she had assigned them, as were the photos she carried. Business cards, notes, and phone numbers were still shoved into every available space, and then she opened the compartment that had held her money and found that Kate hadn't even removed the $120 dollars she had been carrying that day. It was sobering to see her things so perfectly preserved, holding these items of her past picked at her own wounds in regards to the situation, and then there was that feeling that had crept up on her, the pain that seemed to radiated from the bag and the contents, not her pain, but Kate's and it slammed into her hard. She battled against it and began shoving the items back into the bag but the wallet was still in her hand when Kate appeared in the doorway.

"There you are," Kate said as she caught a glimpse of her mother sitting on the floor of the closet.

Johanna looked up at her, guilt and panic on her face and Kate took notice of what she held in her hand and on her lap. The sight of her mother holding that purse that had been hidden in a box in the back of the closet startled her in some ways and her voice deserted her as she looked back to Johanna's face.

"I…," Johanna started to say but then she stopped and started over, "I was going to put the boxes back but there was stuff on the floor in here from a box that was upset and I… I found it lying under some things when I sat the box up," she said, her words flowing rapidly in nervousness as she forced herself to meet her daughter's eyes.

"It's okay," Kate said once she found her voice, "Its fine, it just caught me off guard."

Johanna shoved the wallet back into the purse and closed it, "I shouldn't have opened it, I should've just left it where it was…"

Kate stopped down so they were at eye level, "It's yours," she told her, "You have every right to go through your belongings."

She shook her head, "I don't," she answered, "This is your home and it's in your possession and I shouldn't…"

Kate laid a hand on her wrist cutting off her words, "Stop, I'm not mad at you for finding it or looking in it. I know you weren't snooping in my stuff; you were just trying to clean up while I was being updated about the case. It's okay and yes it's my home and I've had it all this time, but it's yours, it's always been yours and if you want it, take it."

Johanna ran her hand across the leather and then closed the bag and put it back in the box it had fallen out of. Maybe one day it would feel alright to take it, but not today.

"Where is everyone?" she asked, changing the subject.

"The guys went back to the precinct, and Castle went to get us some lunch," she told her.

"Did they find out anything?"

Kate shook her head, "Nothing useful right now."

Johanna sighed and Kate could read the fatigue in her features. "Come on," she said, holding a hand out to her to assist her to her feet, "Take a break with me while we wait for Castle to come back."

Johanna took her hand and allowed Kate to help her to her feet and then they moved into the living room and took their usual seats on the sofa as they awaited delivery of their lunch.

* * *

When lunch was finished Kate sent Castle home to get some rest and she and Johanna finished up the closet and then took on the task of putting Kate's bedroom back together. Jim arrived not long after they finished and he came with a hardware store bag in hand, that contained a new lock that he was adding to the one's she already had, and the look he gave her dared her to tell him that he couldn't. She had learned to pick her battles with him and she knew that he needed to feel as though he were doing something to keep them safe so she smiled at him, thanked him for the thought and allowed him to go at it and as he did she shared a look with her mother, who had given her a subtle nod that she had done the right thing in allowing him to do what he needed to do.

Kate was antsy as the afternoon faded and once dinner had been finished, Johanna turned to her and said, "Kate, go do whatever it is you need to do, your father's here, I'll be fine."

Kate shook her head, "I'm just anxious, I'll be fine, it can wait until morning."

"Go," her mother told her, "If you don't you'll be up pacing the floors all night and you probably did enough of that last night."

"Go on, Katie," her father added, "I'll take care of her; there's no need for you to worry."

She hesitated, a part of her hating the feeling she had to get out and go to the precinct to check on things for herself despite knowing that Ryan and Esposito were more than capable of doing the job she assigned them and that they would've called her if they had found something. Her restlessness won out however and she rose from the chair in the living room and picked up her gun and keys, taking notice of the shiny new silver one that had been added to her key ring that spoke of the new lock her father had installed.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," she told them.

Jim locked the door behind her and then made his way back to the couch where Johanna had taken a seat. He sat down with her and took in the tiredness on her features as she smiled at him.

"I feel bad about keeping you awake night before last," he told her.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I know you're running on little to no sleep because you've been up the past two days."

She moved closer to him, allowed herself to take the risk and kissed him, "I'm not sorry about you keeping me awake," she told him, "I'd rather it be you than what we came home to last night."

He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her against his side and held her tightly, "I'm just thankful that they waited until the two of you were out and neither of you were hurt."

"I'm thankful for that too," she replied, and then wanting to avoid the touchy subject of lack of leads in the case, fearful that it would spawn another argument as it had the last time, she changed the topic. "How was the ballgame?" she asked.

"Pretty good," he answered.

"Any home runs?"

He laughed lightly, she was always impressed by the home runs, "A couple," he told her.

She inquired after his friends that he had gone with, the ones she knew and the ones she didn't, signaling out Jeff last. "How is Jeff?" she asked him.

"Same as he always is," he answered as she tipped her head up to look at him.

Johanna smiled, "That's good to know."

He laughed softly, "Jeff never changes."

"Good, it's nice to know at least one thing in the universe stays the same."

"Even if it's Jeff?" he said playfully.

She laughed, "Yeah, even if it's just Jeff."

They fell quiet for a moment and then she spoke softly, "She called me 'mother' last night."

"In conversation with someone else or directly to you?" he asked.

"She addressed me directly as 'mother'," she told him.

"What brought that on?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, maybe it was something we were telling Alexis about Katie's college experience. I don't think she realized that she said it, but she did."

He hugged her a little tighter, "She usually only called you 'mother' if she was mad at you."

"I know," she replied, "It wasn't the 'mom' I've been wanting but I'll take 'mother', although who knows when I'll hear it again, but at least I got to hear it once."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, "You'll hear it again," he told her, "I think she's warming up to you."

"You think so?" she asked, "Because you didn't seem to think so the other day when I told you about our deal."

"I shouldn't have said those things," he replied, "You were feeling better about things and I shouldn't have ruined that feeling for you, even thought I was just trying to protect you in some way from the inevitable fall out."

"You don't have to protect me from it," she told him, "I know it'll happen eventually, but until then I just want to try and get closer to her, and then maybe when it does happen it'll be easier for us to work through, we'll have some measure of that connection back between us and it'll be harder for her to walk away from me."

He nodded in understanding, "I won't say anymore about it," he told her, "I'll let the two of you figure it out on your own."

She was quiet again, "I didn't even get to really enjoy it."

"What?" he asked.

"That she called me 'mother'," she replied, "I had to keep myself from reacting to it when she said it because I didn't know how she'd take that and then…all of this."

"Everything will be fine," he told her, "It'll happen again and you'll be able to enjoy it and she'll be alright with it. Just hang in there."

She nodded and laid her head against his shoulder, fatigue gnawing at her as she sank into the warmth that his arms provided her. He knew she was falling asleep against him and he said nothing, allowing her to do so as the television played in the background.

An hour passed slowly, fading into two and Jim still sat there quietly, his arm still wrapped securely around his sleeping wife and his attention was upon her. He had held her while she slept that night in her hotel room after the shooting incident, but fear and worry had kept him from savoring the feel of her weight against him, the warmth of her body and the familiar way she snuggled into his side, her head tucked under his chin, the scent of her perfume and shampoo filling his senses. He probably should've woken her and sent her to her bed so she could rest better, but he couldn't. He didn't want her to leave his arms, didn't want to give up the feel of holding her while she slept, knowing that she felt safe enough with him that she was able to close her eyes and rest while he was there. He missed this, missed it so much at times that it kept him from sleeping. He remembered all of those times when he'd awake in the middle of the night, forgetting for a moment that she was gone and he'd reach for her, only to come in contact with the coolness of the sheets on her side of the bed.

He tightened his hold on her, he didn't want to reach for her and find her gone anymore, he wanted her to come home and take her place beside him again, wanted to reach out in the darkness and find her there, wanted to pull her close to him and fall back to sleep breathing in her sent. Those feelings kept him from waking her; they kept him rooted in place, unwilling to give up these moments of having her close.

Kate walked back through the door after being gone for two and a half hours and when she saw her mother curled up against her father and sound asleep she did her best to keep quiet as she relocked the door and placed her keys on the stand. She shuffled quietly into the living room and took a seat in the chair and caught her father's eye.

"You should've sent her to bed," she whispered.

His hand rubbed against Johanna's arm, "I thought about it, but I didn't want to," he replied softly.

Kate nodded in understanding as she looked at her mother's face, "We have to quit keeping her up past her bedtime."

Jim smiled, "She'll be alright," he said, and then reading the frustration in his daughter's posture he cautiously asked, "Anything?"

Kate hesitated before answering and he knew that some part of her was fearful of telling him no due to his outburst the last time the case had seemed to move forward only to stall before any real progress was mad.

"No," she said softly, avoiding his gaze.

"It's alright, Katie," he said gently, trying to assure her that he didn't blame her; that he knew she was doing everything she could.

"No it isn't," she murmured as her head fell into her hands.

"Yes it is," he replied, "When the time is right you'll find something, we'll all be fine."

She didn't know why but tears stung her eyes and she kept her gaze focused on the floor instead of him.

"You're just tired, Katie," he said, as if he had read her thoughts, "You need to get some sleep and clear your head. Things will look better tomorrow."

She raised her gaze and caught his eye and gave him a small smile, "I know."

"Go to bed," he told her, "Everything's okay."

"Are you going to stay?" she asked him, that little girl part of her hoping he would because she needed an extra sense of security.

He didn't say anything, as if he were contemplating the situation, unsure of rather he should stay like he wanted or go like he usually did.

"You can you know, and you don't have to sit up like that all night," she told him, "She has a room."

He gave her a hint of a smile, "Are you alright with that?"

"With what?" she asked, "She's my mother, you're my father, I'm used to the thought that you shared a room."

"That was then," he remarked.

Kate shrugged, "Do you think I believe you're going to make her sleep in my old room when she goes home with you?"

He laughed softly, trying to keep from disturbing Johanna and then he took a good look at his daughter's face and read something in her eyes that he hadn't expected. She wanted him to stay. She wouldn't ask him to, he knew that, knew that in her mind she was too old to need her father to provide her with a sense of safety and security, especially when she was the one with a badge and gun, but he could see it and the fact that she still needed or wanted him around in that manner coupled with the fact that Johanna was sleeping peacefully in his arms made up his mind.

"Alright, Katie, I'll stay," he told her, "You go on and get ready for bed and then I'll wake her so she can do the same."

She smiled as she rose from her chair and then she walked towards him and leaned down and kissed his cheek, while brushing a hand against Johanna's arm. He watched her walk away, feeling like for once he had been given back his role as husband and father. He'd stay and watch over them tonight, give them both the security they needed so they could sleep peacefully, just as they always had when they lived under the same roof. It wasn't much but at least he felt like he was doing something for them.

Awhile later Kate came back into the room, rechecked the door and told him goodnight and that she was going to bed. She picked up the gun that was now Johanna's and her cell phone and told him she'd put them in her room while he took on the task of waking her.

Gently he shook Johanna awake, causing her to clutch his shirt and curl up even closer to him. "You need to go to bed," he told her softly.

Her tired green eyes looked up at him and she whispered, "Stay with me."

He nodded, "I am," he replied as he stood, bringing her up with him.

"Is Katie home yet?" she asked him as he guided her down the hallway.

"She came home a little while ago," he told her, "I sent her to bed."

Johanna smiled sleepily and went through the motions of settling down for the night. Once they were bed he turned out the lights and she brushed a light kiss across his lips and then reclaimed her spot as she curled up against him. His heart thudded against his ribs as he took in the situation, of his wife lying next to him, of his daughter across the hallway tucked away in her own bed, it was almost like old times…except back then they didn't have guns lying on their nightstands. He shook those thoughts away and made himself comfortable, keeping Johanna snugly against him as he allowed himself to drift off into a light sleep.

* * *

The next day Kate went back to the precinct as usual, leaving her mother in Jim's care. They had no luck in identifying Shadow and her frustration was growing despite Castle's efforts to keep her outlook positive. She briefed Gates about the case and cleared it with her to take home their property that Sanchez had taken. She tried to shake off her mood before going home but she couldn't, although she did manage to keep from taking it out on her parents as they all sat down to dinner once again. Johanna sensed her mood and pulled Jim aside after dinner and asked him to go home and leave them alone together, feeling that Kate might vent her frustrations more freely if he wasn't there. He understood what she was telling him and he kissed her and said his goodbyes to Kate and left for the evening.

Once he was gone Kate took the lid off the box she had brought home with her and started doling out their property. She took the papers, files, and the notebook Johanna had been working in, along with the envelope that contained the contents of her makeshift murder board that she had ripped down after Johanna's reappearance and locked them in her desk. She handed Johanna her laptop, gave her back the earrings and bracelet, the money that she knew belonged to her and then she pulled out the baggie containing the broken chain and the emerald ring still hanging from it.

"Put that ring back on your finger where it belongs," Kate told her as she held it out to her.

"But…"

"No, buts," Kate said firmly, "I don't think Grandpa would like the thought of it being stolen…,and I'm not overly fond of having to pick it up from the police station all the time."

She knew that Kate didn't make that statement to hurt her, that she was just agitated with the lack of momentum, and in hopes of staying on her good side, Johanna relented and took the chain out of the baggie and slid the ring off it and placed it back on her right hand. It was an odd sensation to feel it back in its place and as always her fingers brushed across the stone and band and then she looked at her hands and for the first time in a long time she felt almost complete.

They put away their things that Kate brought home but as they fell into their routine Kate still couldn't settle nor could she shake her feelings of agitation. She glanced towards her mother, thinking that maybe it was time for the two of them to sit down and go over it all again, to see if they could pull anything else from her memory but then another thought struck her. Maybe they needed to do better than that, maybe they needed to go clear back to the beginning, maybe if they laid out every angle from Armen's murder up to present day maybe something would be shaken loose. Maybe with Johanna's expertise and her fresh set of eyes they could find something that Kate had been overlooking. Suddenly she felt energized.

"Come on," she said as she got up from the sofa.

"Where are we going?" Johanna asked her.

"We're going to go pick up a few things and then we're going to come back here and take this case apart piece by piece from beginning up to now, because I'm not getting anywhere with chasing down the middle man and it's frustrating the hell out of me and maybe the process will jog something in your memory," Kate told her.

Johanna nodded, "Alright, Kate," she answered ad she followed her lead and found her shoes and grabbed her purse and headed for the door. She reached for the light switch but Kate stopped her.

"We'll the leave the lights on," she told her, "We don't want to come home to a dark apartment."

She drew her hand away and then stepped out into the hallway so Kate could lock the door. They drove to a 24 hour department store and once they were inside and Kate had grabbed a shopping cart she steered them towards the office and school supply aisle.

"What are we getting?" Johanna asked her.

"Grab some index cards," Kate told her as she gestured towards the shelves, "And pick out a pack of markers."

While she was doing that, Kate pulled several sheets of flimsy white poster board from its slot and added them to the cart. She then grabbed packs of sticky notes and a roll of tape and then her eyes caught sight of a small dry erase board and she grabbed it, along with a pack of markers for it.

"I think that will do it," she told her mother.

They stood back and scanned the shelves for another moment anyway, making sure they had grabbed all the supplies Kate felt they needed and then they headed for the checkout.

The cashier kept looking at them oddly, as if it were some crime to buy office supplies at 10:00 at night. Kate and Johanna kept trading glances, trying not to laugh as the woman kept looking at them and the things they were buying.

"Are you protesters?" the cashier finally asked as she scanned the sheets of poster board.

Before Kate could react, Johanna dove right in, "You could say that," she answered.

The woman looked at her, "What are you protesting against?"

Johanna grinned, "You name it."

Kate tried not to laugh but she failed and tried to cover it with a cough as her mother looked at her mischievously, "Isn't that right?" she asked her.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, we're pretty good with finding things wrong with almost anything."

"So true," her mother replied as she shifted her gaze back to the cashier, "Like the prices of that gum on display here," she said with a wave towards the packages on the small shelf by the cash register, "I used to buy a pack of gum for a quarter, now you want a dollar, and that's just wrong."

Kate laughed as the cashier told her the total, "It's not 1980 anymore."

"I don't care," Johanna replied, "That's ridiculous."

"You get more sticks of gum in the package now," the cashier argued.

"I don't care," she remarked, "You chew it for five minutes and it loses it's taste, so even if you're getting more it's still not worth more than a quarter."

Kate handed over the money and threw the bags into the cart, "See what you've done," Kate teased the cashier, "She'll be up all night writing to the gum manufactures."

The cashier handed back her change and gave them one last look before turning her attention elsewhere.

They laughed as they carried the bags to the parking lot.

"Nice job at making her think we're nuts," Kate told her mother.

"That'll teach her to be nosy," Johanna remarked.

"She'll be telling everyone about the crazy lady lecturing about the price of gum," Kate said as she tossed the bags into the back of the car and then unlocked the passenger side door for Johanna.

"I've had worse things said about me," she remarked.

* * *

When they returned to Kate's apartment they carried the bags into the kitchen and Johanna started the coffee pot. They went and changed into their pajamas and then Kate went to her desk and unlocked the drawer that she had shoved the papers and files into. She took out her mother's notebook, the copy of Armen's file that she had and then she reached for the manila envelope that contained all the notes and papers pertaining to her mother's case. She carefully extracted everything, with the exception of the photos which she left concealed. She took a moment to collect herself, a part of her realizing that she was about to tread into emotional territory with her mother, and for a brief second she wondered if it was the right thing to do but she shook the thoughts away, only to be faced with another concern.

If they were going to go over this thing, step by step, then she was going to have to tell her mother about Montgomery's role in it and why they had kept it under wraps. She didn't believe for a moment that Johanna would judge her and the decision she had made; she felt certain that she would understand but it wasn't an easy topic to speak of and it would inevitably open the door in regards to her shooting and she wasn't ready to have that discussion with her mother, and she had a feeling that maybe Johanna wasn't ready for it either as she hadn't tried to broach the topic with her, with the exception of her explanation that it had spurned her decision to return home.

She'd just have to be up front with her, Kate decided, she'd just have to tell her that she wasn't ready to go into all of that with her and she hoped that her mother would respect her feelings in regards to that. With her mind made up in those areas she was confronted with another thought, which dealt with Johanna's colleagues and their fates. She didn't think that her mother knew about them, and she was nervous about breaking the news to her. Kate took a breath and steadied herself, they needed to do this and they were going to. It might hurt, but in the end they might have something that would help so they were both going to have to suck it up and deal with it. With that thought in mind she took her files and papers and went back to the kitchen where she could hear her mother moving around.

Kate pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and sat down, while gesturing for Johanna to do the same. Her mother took the chair next to her, so she turned her body in her direction and Johanna did the same, their feet grazing against each others. She took a breath and then looked into her mother's face and saw that she was waiting for her to say whatever it was that was on her mind; she didn't prod, merely stayed quiet, allowing her the time to find the words she needed to have this conversation.

"If we're going to do this," Kate began; her tone soft but serious, "There are things you need to know. Things that have been kept off the record, and I will explain to you the reasoning for that."

"Alright," Johanna answered.

She took another moment to collect her thoughts and then began to explain Captain Montgomery's involvement, and the things he had said to her in the hanger that night he had died. She then explained why they kept Montgomery's involvement under wraps and when she finished she looked into her mother's eyes and saw no judgment; only the sheen of tears that she blinked away before nodding.

"I understand," she told her.

With that burden lifted from her shoulders, Kate made herself ready to face the next thing they needed to discuss before beginning their project.

"There's something else we need to talk about," she said as she steeled herself and pushed her emotions back down, deep inside herself.

"What?"

"I know that as we go over this, the topic of my shooting is going to come up," she said as she held Johanna's gaze, "I'm not ready to talk to you about that….I don't know if I'll ever be able to discuss that with you; so when we get to that point in the timeline, we will only be looking at it in a factual way. We are not going to discuss it."

Her mother was silent for a long moment as her gaze shifted away and she battled some internal dialogue that Kate wasn't privy to.

"I will respect that," Johanna said slowly, "But there is just one thing I would like to be allowed to ask you, for my peace of mind. I just need to ask you one thing and hear the answer come from you in complete honesty."

Kate hesitated, "I'll allow you to ask your question, but since I don't know what it is at the moment, I can't promise you that I'll answer it."

She looked away from her daughter as she struggled to hold on to her composure but she forced herself to shift her gaze back to Kate's face so she could study her reaction in case she didn't answer.

"I know that you're sitting here in front of me looking like the picture of health and wellness; that your father has assured me that you're fine and I well remember badgering an F.B.I. agent to keep me apprised of your progress after the shooting, but I want to know, from you, if you're fine, if there was any permanent damage done. I just need to hear you say that you've made a complete recovery," Johanna stated, emotion tingeing her voice.

Kate held her gaze and made the decision to give her mother what she needed. She could handle this question, there could've been harder things that her mother asked but she only wanted to know about her health and that she could give her without hesitation.

"I assure you that I am perfectly fine and healthy. The damage was repaired and there are no left over effects from it. The only permanent things I have in regards to it are the scars I have. I am completely healed and recovered, so please don't worry about that."

"Thank god," Johanna said as she swallowed hard, and then she said, "Thank you for allowing me that question. I won't ask you anything else about it. If the time comes when you want to discuss it with me, then I will listen willingly but I won't ever force you to speak of it."

"Okay," Kate said, "Thank you for respecting my wishes."

"I do my best, Katie," she replied and then before Kate could respond she asked, "Are we ready to get started?"

"Almost," she told her, "There's one more thing we need to discuss."

"What else can there be?" she asked.

"It's about two of your colleagues," Kate began but Johanna held up a hand, silencing her.

"If you're trying to break it to me about Diane and Jennifer, I already know."

"How?" Kate questioned in surprise.

"The internet has been my friend," she replied, "I've read the New York papers online everyday. I saw the articles about them and a documents clerk I knew."

"Do you know if it was staged like yours was?" she asked gently.

Johanna was quiet for a moment as a tear slipped down her cheek, "I don't know. I tried to find out but the Agent I dealt with wouldn't tell me anything."

Kate reached for her mother's hand and held it, feeling badly for bringing up the topic and thinking that maybe this hadn't been a good idea after all.

"I'm sorry," she told her, "I…I didn't want to get halfway through this and have to spring the news on you. I didn't know that you already knew."

"It's okay," her mother told her as she squeezed her hand, "I know you're just trying to cover your bases; it's just that I've always felt like I had their blood on my hands…that I had your blood on my hands," she said with a strangled sob.

"No," Kate replied, "You don't have anyone's blood on your hands. Not theirs; not mine; and for all we know they may be out there somewhere, alive and well just like you. You didn't do this."

"But what if they aren't?" Johanna asked, "I took the case, I got them involved, I…"

"Stop," she said, interrupting her mother's stream of thought. She took both of Johanna's hands and turned them over so she could see her palms. "Your hands are clean," she told her, holding them up in a symbolic gesture, "You didn't hurt them; you didn't pull the trigger and shoot me. You didn't start this. For all we know the F.B.I got to them just like they got to you and they're still out there in Montana or Timbuktu or elsewhere and I think you need to keep that train of thought in regards to them. Now take a few minutes, pull yourself back together and put those thoughts away."

Her mother nodded and squeezed her eyes shut as a few more tears escaped and trailed down her face. Kate kept a hold of her hands, trying to offer her some comfort and then when Johanna took a breath and opened her eyes, she moved one of her hands and brushed a tear from her mothers face.

"You okay?" Kate asked her.

Johanna nodded, "I'm fine."

"Are you ready to do this, or do you want to forget it?"

"I'm ready," she told her, "I want to help you in any way I can so we can so we can end this."

"Okay," she remarked, "Let's get started."

"What are we going to do first?" Johanna asked, as they rose from their chairs.

"First," Kate said as she dumped out the contents of their bags, "We're going to get organized."

They hung the small white board on the wall and opened up the packs of markers and notepads, and then spread out the copies of files, notes, and the notebook Johanna had been using before grabbing a sheet of poster board.

"Let's start with a time line," she said as she selected a red marker from the package, "We're going to go clear back to the beginning, the date of Bob Armen's murder and then we're going work forward up to present day."

Johanna slipped on her reading glasses and began reading off dates from Kate's notes and her own that she had jotted down in the notebook and Kate recorded them on the board along with the significance of each date. When they reached January 9, 1999, her hand paused as it hovered over the board and Johanna shifted awkwardly for a moment before saying, "We know what it means."

Kate nodded in agreement and seeing how her mother had spared her from having to write out the meaning of that date, she quickly pulled the notes about Diane Cavanaugh and Jennifer Stewart from her mother's reach, along with the note about the documents clerk and she swiftly entered the data onto the board, keeping Johanna from having to read it aloud.

They then proceeded on, through the capture and shooting of Dick Coonan, the emergence of Raglan, and then McAlister, leading up to the discovery of Montgomery's involvement, his death, Kate's shooting and then jumping forward a year to Johanna's return, her own shooting incident, the threats and the break ins.

"What next?" Johanna asked once the time line was completed and stuck to the wall with tape.

"A list of victims," Kate said as she grabbed the index cards. She handed some to Johanna and kept some for herself and they each took a marker and began to list the names of those who had been victims, including themselves and then Kate taped them up on one of the cupboard doors as Johanna poured them each a cup of coffee.

Kate grabbed another sheet of poster board and handed it to Johanna, along with the copy of Armen's file and the notes regarding Pulgotti.

"You make a board dealing with everything that has to do with Armen's murder, who was involved, and what we know about Pulgotti's case," she instructed as she took another piece of poster board for herself. "I'll handle the board for your case, and then we'll make one for Raglan, and McAlister, and then we'll push forward to Montgomery, and me, and then things that have developed since you've been back."

Johanna nodded in understanding and selected another marker and began to work. They worked together with little thought to the sleep they were losing or the time that was ticking by without notice. They said little, only occasionally throwing out a comment or question to each other as board after board was filled and propped up or stuck to some surface; the white board filling with questions such as 'Who had found out about Pulgotti's quest for an appeal?', 'Who had found out that Johanna was alive and in New York?', 'Who was powerful enough to have so many fear him and do his bidding?'.

When they had documented everything they stood back looking over everything, bouncing theories off of each other and trying desperately to find something new, something that Kate had missed but they kept coming up empty, just as the coffee pot had been emptied, the last bit being divided between their mugs.

They were losing hope, looking at another dead end but then Johanna began to study the boards again, a new angle occurring to her.

"Maybe we're going about this the wrong way," Johanna said.

Kate looked at her and she could tell from her expression that her mother was putting something together.

"What are you thinking?" she asked.

Johanna grabbed one of the dry erase markers and went towards the white board that they had written their questions on. She erased them, knowing that she had jotted them down in the back of her notebook, and then uncapped her marker.

"We need to look at Pulgotti as a victim," she stated as she wrote his name on the board.

"What?" Kate said in response.

"That's where we're going wrong, Katie," she stated, "We keep looking at him as a stepping stone and we need to view him as a victim."

Kate looked slightly skeptical so Johanna began to explain her theory.

"We both know that a person doesn't have to die in order to be a victim."

"Right," she answered with a nod.

"I survived, although it was made to look as though I hadn't," she continued on as she pointed to the list of victims they had posted on the cupboard door, "But we still listed me as a victim because I am one."

"And we listed me as a victim," Kate said as she glanced at the card bearing her name, "Because they came after me and I was shot."

"Right," her mother replied as she moved to the board that had been set up for Armen's murder. "Armen was the first victim; he was the first domino to fall in this thing."

Kate nodded, "I'm with you."

Johanna then pointed to Pulgotti's name on the board. "Pulgotti took the fall for the murder even though he was innocent. Pulgotti is the second domino. He was convicted of a crime he didn't commit, he became the next victim."

"Okay, I see your point," she answered as her mother looked at her, "Pulgotti ends up a victim because he was the only one who knew what really went down in the alley that night, but no one was going to believe him with his background."

"Right, so he's convicted, he's out of the way," Johanna stated.

"They think it's all over," Kate said as she picked up the train of thought, "They think they've gotten away with it, but someone finds out and the blackmail begins."

"And yet, even with the blackmail, everything is still fine," Johanna remarked, "Until seven years later when Pulgotti wants an appeal."

She nodded, "That would've lit up the radar."

"And someone got worried."

"And then you had to go," Kate replied.

"That's the third domino," Johanna replied as she moved to the next board which had been set up about her own case, "I took the case and I was digging in it just enough to set off an alarm."

"And once they thought you were out of the way, anyone associated with the case you were building had to go too."

Johanna nodded and then hesitated as her eyes landed on the names of her colleagues.

"Remember what I told you," Kate said to her, "For all we know they may be out there somewhere too, just like you were. Put it in the back of your mind and keep going."

She took a breath, pushed those feelings down like her daughter suggested, and continued on, not wanting to lose her momentum, "And then they thought everything was okay again, but the past kept coming back to haunt them in ways they didn't expect."

"Like Coonan being caught because of an unrelated case," Kate responded.

"And you shot him," Johanna said, "And having your name attached to that…"

"Woke the dragon," Kate said; remembering McAllister's words, "And chances are they already knew that I had been over your case a million times."

"But while you weren't making any progress, everything was still fine."

"So your colleagues and the documents clerk became dominos 4, 5, and 6. Coonan was 7, not in the respect of a victim, but in the way of the chain of events."

Johanna nodded, "Exactly, and with Coonan you lit up the radar in regards to yourself, but not enough to force anyone's hand."

"And then Raglan calls me, wanting to clear his conscience but he's killed before he can tell me anything more than that it was related to an earlier case which turned out to be Armen's murder and Pulgotti's involvement."

"The 8th domino," her mother said.

"McAllister enters the picture," Kate continued, "He became 9."

"And then your Captain becomes 10."

"I become 11."

Johanna picked up a different marker and uncapped it as she went to the board they had tacked up that served as their timeline.

"We keep focusing on this area," she said; drawing a bracket between 1999 and 2012, "And that's where we're going wrong. We need to go back, not all the way, because we know who was responsible for Armen's death and we know who covered it up. We need to go back to the second domino and concentrate on that area, because all of this," she said gesturing towards the years she had drawn in a bracket, "Leads right back here to this case of Pulgotti's."

Kate nodded as she allowed it all to sink in and then she smiled, "I think you may be on to something."

Her mother smiled, "You think so?"

"Yeah, we have a new area to concentrate on, and while we seem to be on a roll let's run with it."

"Where do you want to take it?" Johanna asked.

"We need to think about who it was that could've found out about what these cops were up to," she answered.

"And how," her mother added.

"Right, any theories on that?" she asked her.

Johanna thought for a moment, "Maybe it was another cop; maybe he somehow overheard something he wasn't meant to hear, put two and two together and decided to use it for his own gain?"

Kate scrunched her nose up as she thought about it, "I don't really think it was another cop, at least not one on par with the three who were connected to the kidnapping ring. Montgomery said this person used the blackmail money to make himself what he is today. So it had to be someone who had more power than these three cops, but wasn't at the level he's at now."

"What about a Captain or a Chief?" Johanna suggested.

"Possible," Kate answered; and she reached for a pad of sticky notes and a marker, "Let's just shoot off ideas and write them down and stick them on the freezer door and then we'll weed out the ones that don't fit."

"Alright," Johanna said as she uncapped her marker again and took the other pad of sticky notes as Kate wrote down 'Captain/Chief on the card in front of her and then attached it to the door of the freezer.

"Judge?" Kate said as she wrote the down that option.

"Lawyer?" Johanna returned and she wrote it across the yellow note and stuck it on the door with the others.

"Commissioner?"

"Politician?"

"Unknown witness?" Kate said, "Maybe someone else did know what went down?"

"It's possible," her mother replied, "What about a journalist or a news reporter, someone who was following the case closely."

"Add it."

They went on, bouncing ideas back and forth until they ran out of ideas and the freezer door was covered and then they stood back and looked it all over, trying to decide which options were to far fetched and needed to be eliminated.

"Let's think about it again," Kate said, "It was a person who had to have had some kind of access to or involvement with Pulgotti's case."

"That could still be a cop of a higher rank then the one's we know of, maybe one who had aspirations to move his career along or wanted to go the political route."

"We'll leave that option up," she replied, "And I think we should leave the option up for a judge or lawyer."

Johanna nodded in agreement, "Again, there could be political aspirations involved given those professions."

"And in light of that we leave 'Politician' in play," Kate answered.

They looked over the list again, "I think those are our best options," Johanna said.

"I do too," Kate remarked as she pulled the rest of the notes off the door, and then she went to the white board and picked up the marker.

"So we need to figure out who was around back then; who was in a position to be involved or connected to Pulgotti's case. Someone who had some power, but needed more," Johanna reiterated.

"Exactly," she replied as she wrote all of that on the board, "Do you remember who the judge was for Pulgotti's case?"

She racked her brain but she couldn't come up with it and she shook her head, "I don't remember. I would've read it in the court file but I can't remember it now."

"It's okay," Kate told her, not wanting her to get upset with herself about not being able to recall all of the details. She knew she had been hard on her the last time they had gone over this and she didn't want to do that again, especially now when it felt like they were making some progress. "What about the attorney's involved? Do you remember his defense attorney or the prosecutor?"

"I don't remember the prosecutor," Johanna told her, "But I remember that the defense attorney had a name that started with a 'D'," she said as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to recall the name as it had been in the missing court file.

An idea struck Kate, "Keep thinking," she told her, "You're doing fine, take your time, I'll be right back."

She hurried back to her desk and found a phone book and carried it back to the kitchen where her mother was now pacing as she tried to come up with the name. Kate flipped to the yellow pages and found a list of lawyers.

"Daniels?" she asked.

"No."

"Danforth?"

"No."

"Darwin?"

"No."

"Decker?"

"No."

"Delaney?"

"Delaney," Johanna said and the haze lifted, "Delaney! That's it!"

"Great!" Kate said and then she looked back at the listings, "Now which one?"

"How many are there?" her mother asked as she deflated slightly.

"Four," Kate replied, "Anthony, James, Steven, William."

Johanna considered the names that had been read, "None of those sound right."

"Maybe he's retired now?" Kate thought aloud, "Or he's moved up in the world?"

Johanna tried to force herself to remember, "I know that was the last name, but none of those first names is it and I can't exactly remember what it was…I'm thinking Michael for some reason, but I'm not sure."

"Okay," Kate replied as she made a note of the name, "We can work with that. Anything else you can recall from Pulgotti's case file?"

"Just what we already know," she replied, "I just….if we had my notes…or the damn file…"

"It's fine," Kate told her, "Don't go beating yourself up over that again. We're doing good, I think you made a great point of us concentrating on the wrong area, we need to go back and focus some of our efforts on the time frame of Pulgotti's case and those who could've had access or contact with it".

"I'll do whatever I can, Katie," Johanna told her, "I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you untangle this."

Kate moved back to the counter where Johanna was leaning, taking in the sight of their work. She moved next to her and took her hand once again. "I know you will, and we'll get it figured out. We'll make it."

Johanna smiled at her and squeezed her hand as she remembered that night when Kate had reminded her of the phrase 'Life never delivers more than you can handle' and that she had told her that they would handle whatever came and that they would make it. They stood there in silence, holding on to each others hand as the morning sunlight broke through the curtains, and for the first time in a long time, Johanna felt like it really was going to be okay.

Kate picked up her coffee cup from the counter and stared down into it, finding it empty. "I'm out of coffee," she murmured.

"So am I and we don't have anymore to make," Johanna replied.

"How did that happen?" Kate asked.

"We drink a lot of coffee," her mother told her, and apparently we weren't paying attention to our supply and now we are out of luck."

Kate slipped her hand away from Johanna's and shook her head. "No we're not," she said as she grabbed her phone from the table and hit Castle's number.

"Good morning," she said when he answered.

"Body?" he asked, his voice still holding a bit of sleepiness.

"No, but something equally devastating," she said lightly.

"What would that be?" he asked, picking up on the teasing tone of her voice.

"I'm out of coffee."

"Oh. My. God," Castle stated dramatically, "How are you not prostrate on the floor with grief?"

Kate laughed, "Because I knew I could you."

"Why do you sound so chipper on this caffeine free morning?" he questioned.

"I didn't think being cranky would you get you to bring us coffee," she replied.

"Us?"

"Yes, us, as in me and my mother, you remember my mother don't you?" she teased, "She looks like me, except for darker hair and she's about three inches shorter."

He pretended to think for a moment, "Kicked my ass at poker and called me macaroni?" he asked.

She laughed, "That's her."

Johanna smiled at the sound of Kate's laughter and she sat down at the table and began to clean up the clutter of papers and markers.

She ended her call and turned towards her mother. "Castle's going to bring us coffee," she informed her.

Johanna smiled, "What do you think he'll think of our handy work here?" she asked as she gestured around the kitchen.

"I think he'll be impressed," she replied, "I feel like we made some progress."

She nodded as she glanced at the boards and their profile of the type of person they were looking for, "I think so too."

* * *

Awhile later, Kate's phone buzzed and she answered Castle's call telling her he was coming up the hallway. She went and opened the door for him and then beckoned him to follow her into the kitchen.

"I see you've redecorated," he said as he entered the kitchen and took in the sight of the notes stuck to the cabinet doors and the freezer, along with the multiple poster boards that were filled with Kate's familiar handwriting, and the unfamiliar script that he felt safe in assuming belonged to Johanna.

"Yeah, we were tired of the old look," Kate said lightly as she took her coffee from his hand and then handed the second cup to her mother.

"What is all of this?" he asked; all though he could easily tell from skimming the contents of the boards.

"We went over all of it again last night," she answered, "We went clear back to Armen's murder and laid it all out."

He nodded, "That must've taken you all night."

"That's why we ran out of coffee," Johanna supplied.

"We made progress," Kate told him, a hint of a smile tugging at her lips.

"What kind of progress?" he asked cautiously.

She explained Johanna's theory that they needed to go back and concentrate on the time frame of Pulgotti's original case and then she waved a hand towards the freezer door where the notes remained of the titles of interest.

Castle's eyes scanned the words, Captain/Chief, Politician, Lawyer, Judge, and then he turned back to them, "That could be a lot of people."

The light in Kate's eyes dimmed slightly, "But it's still a start," she answered, "It's a profile."

He nodded, "Yes, but it's still a lot of people to take into consideration, Kate."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, "Well I guess if I was Jordan Shaw and had put it on a smart board you'd be more impressed."

"Who's Jordan Shaw?" Johanna asked.

"An F.B.I agent we worked with once," Castle explained, "And it's not like that, Kate. I just …"

"You just what, Castle?" she asked, "I thought you'd be all over this."

"It's just that I don't think it's much to go on," he replied.

"It's more then we had," she argued as her gaze flicked over the notes once again, "I think it narrows down the starting point."

"Occupations?" he asked, "It doesn't offer us much. We don't have any names."

"We'll find names, and we're focusing on a specific time frame," she replied, "And she remembered the last name of Pulgotti's defense attorney; we're still sketchy on the first name but we'll figure it out."

"How do you propose to do this?" he asked.

"Research," she stated, "We start looking for who major players were back then, people who could've been connected or had some sort of contact with this case or with the people involved."

"We got our computer's back," Johanna said as her eyes scanned the list, "While she's at work I can be online looking into things, see if I can compile a list of people who fit the time frame and who could've been players in the case or connected to the cops in any way."

They looked so proud of their work, and their expressions showcased the feelings of determination that they both felt in regards to picking up the pace and getting the ball rolling on bringing about an end to the chaos they were forced to contend with, but there was something else shining in Kate's eyes and he misread the look as the stirrings of recklessness and as he scanned the list once again, thought of the powerful people she could be provoking, fear and panic slammed into his heart, along with the memory of her lying in the grass bleeding beneath his hands, and all he could think of was trying to convince her to take a step back, of trying to keep her as safe as he could.

"You can't do this," he told her.

Kate looked at him as though she had been slapped, "What?"

"You can't just start digging up every person who held these job titles back then and go after them, Kate. That's a lot of powerful people, that's a lot of hornets nests to stir up and you might stick your hand into the wrong one and get stung in ways you didn't imagine."

"So what do you want me to do, Rick?" she asked sharply, "Just sit here and allow them to keep coming. Just sit here and keep doing nothing, keep slamming into dead ends like they want?"

"That's not what I'm saying," he replied.

"Then what are you saying?"

He eyed her with worry, "I'm saying that you need to exercise more caution then you usually do. You need to really think about what you're doing. You can't just go out and start accusing or questioning high ranking people. You start doing that and this guy is going to come at you twice as hard, Kate."

"Did I say I was going to do that?" she asked.

"No, but I know you, and I know how you are when it comes to this case and I think we need to take it slowly and keep a low profile. You can't go out and start stirring things up more than they already are. You have to think about her," he said with a nod towards Johanna.

She looked at him incredulously, "Do you think I'm not thinking about her?" she asked, "This is my mother, Castle, there is never a day when I'm not thinking about her or worrying about keeping her safe, and you know that better than anyone!"

Johanna was growing uncomfortable being in the middle of what was obviously going to be an argument and she moved to leave the room but Kate caught hold of her wrist and held her back.

"You don't have to leave," she told her.

"I think I should," Johanna replied.

"No, stay," Castle told her, "Maybe you need to hear it."

"Hear what?" Kate asked as she kept hold of her mother's wrist.

"That I don't think the two of you need to be taking matters into your own hands," he argued, "I know you think you can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Kate, but you're not invincible, you're not Wonder Woman and I don't want to see you get hurt again. I can't watch you get shot again, and I don't think you should be letting her play Nancy Drew, she's involved enough," he said with a wave towards Johanna.

They both regarded him with a raised brow and Kate sat her coffee aside.

"First of all, my mother isn't some amateur that doesn't know what she's doing. She has a law degree, Castle, and she didn't get it just because she has a pretty face. She can be very valuable to us in this area, she's the only link I have to this case and her expertise in her field is an asset, so don't imply that she's playing a game with me."

"I was not implying that you don't know what you're doing," Castle said to Johanna as she continued to take in the scene but she said nothing in response, opting to stay quiet. "I just think you're already in this enough, you don't need to add to it."

"Secondly, I'm well aware of the fact that I am not invincible. I have the scars to prove it," she said firmly, "And I don't want you to have to watch me get shot again either, believe me it's not an experience I care to repeat, but they're coming after us rather I do anything or not, Castle, and you know that as well as I do. I know you're focused on the fact that they staged this break in while were out and that we weren't hurt, but that's eventually going to change, and I need to try and get a step ahead of them."

"And I want you to understand that I want you to be safe!" he exclaimed.

"I do!" she replied.

"Then let's keep focusing on what develops as it develops, don't go out and stir up more trouble then you need, Kate."

"Did I say that I was going after anyone?" she asked him.

"No," he answered, "But I know you, Kate. If you come home from work one day and she hands you a name that she thinks plays into this, you're going to be all over it and you're going to be reckless and I can't let you do that."

"I am not going to be reckless," she stated sternly, "I know what I'm doing and I don't appreciate you acting as if I don't. You're my partner; you're supposed to trust my judgment."

"I do most of the time."

"Most of the time?" she questioned.

"Just not always in regards to this case," he answered, and it was true. When it came to Johanna's case, Kate couldn't be trusted to be the same person she was in regards to every other case. Her emotions took over, her training and expertise took a back seat to what she needed, to the justice she sought on behalf of the woman standing next to her. When Kate worked this case she wasn't working it as just a Detective, she was working it as a daughter, as a grief stricken teenager. She wasn't herself when this case was rolling and she couldn't be trusted to know when to stop or what line not to cross. It was his job to protect her; it was his job to keep her from running headlong into something she wasn't prepared to handle. All he could think of was that she might find the right person without realizing it and she might make the wrong move and that person would have her and Johanna eliminated within moments.

She looked at him, a small glimmer of hurt in her eyes, "I'm in control, Castle," she told him, "I'm not falling down the rabbit hole, I'm trying to open up new avenues of this investigation because we are getting nowhere and I need to end this. I need to stop this before it gets worse. I need it to be over, she needs it to be over. She needs her freedom and I need mine. How long are we supposed to live like this?"

"I understand that," he said, trying to be calm and patient with her, "But I think we should keep doing what we've been doing. Let's find Shadow and see where that leads us before the two of you go digging into things and set off even more alarm bells."

Kate looked away from him, it was futile to argue with him and she didn't want to, it was enough that he'd around popped that bubble of good feeling she had built up in the company of her mother. They weren't going to agree on this and at the moment his own stubbornness was going to prevent him from hearing her out. He wasn't going to believe her if she said she wasn't going to go out and actively pursue anyone who's name they cam across. It was better to walk away, take some space and allow the tension to cool off between them. She didn't want them to say things that would escalate into a fight that would set back the progress they had been making in their relationship.

She let go over mother's wrist and then flicked her gaze between both of them. "I'm going to go get a shower and then I'm going to go into the precinct for a little while," she stated.

"To start your manhunt?" Castle asked.

"No," she said sharply, "To do my paperwork and check on updates about Shadow, and maybe you shouldn't come with me today. Maybe we should spend the day apart."

He knew he had pushed her too far and that now she was pushing back, giving them some distance to cool off but those feelings of fear and panic still nagged at him.

"Promise me you're not going to do any digging in this area today," he said as he waved a hand towards her freezer door.

"I told you what I'm doing today," she answered before leaving the room, leaving him behind with Johanna.

"Fine," he said tensely as he turned his gaze towards her mother, "You promise me that you won't do any digging today."

She eyed him, "The only thing I plan on doing is calling my husband to come keep me company."

"Don't encourage her to go chasing things on her own," he told her, "You don't know how she is," he lectured, "You don't know what she's like when she's chasing this thing."

Johanna knew it was worry and love that made him react the way he was towards them and the project they had taken on but his tone chaffed her a bit as it felt like he was implying that she was egging her child on, without thought to her safety.

"She's going to chase it regardless of my input, Rick," she told him, keeping her tone neutral, "I don't want her to, I never wanted her to, but she's already in it and we need to end it and if I can help her I will, because that's what she needs and that's what she asks of me. I would always try to stop her from going after anything on her own, I would make the phone calls to you and Ryan and Esposito myself if I have to. That's my child, Rick, I'd die for her without any hesitation but I'll be damned if I want her dying for me, so don't act like I'm signing her execution papers because I'm not. I want her to be safe too, that's why I came home, so we can end this and have our freedom."

He'd crossed the line and he knew it, and he needed to go vent his frustrations elsewhere before he did harm to his relationship with Kate and by extension his relationship with her mother.

"Tell her to call me if she needs me," he stated as he turned and headed back for the door, Johanna following behind him.

"I will," she replied.

"And if you need anything," he said, "You can call me too."

She nodded, "We'll be fine."

He looked at her and she made herself give him a small smile, "It's fine Rick, I know you're worried about her, I know you love her and you want to protect her. She's stubborn, that's my fault, she got it from me, but I don't think she's going to make a move without you. Take some time for yourself and blow off some steam and she'll do the same and then the two of you can work it out."

He said nothing, but he hoped she was right, he hoped Kate wouldn't be foolish and go off without him and with those thoughts in mind he took his leave.

* * *

When Kate was through showering and getting ready for work, she found Johanna in the living room and gave her the usual instructions of locking the door and keeping the gun with her at all times. Johanna nodded in acceptance with the terms as she always did, and then Kate looked at her, a bit of anguish in her eyes and said, "Can you put that stuff away?" she asked with a wave towards the kitchen.

"Yes, where do you want it?" Johanna replied.

"Put the boards in the closet, take down all the notes and lists and put them with the files and papers and then put them back in the top drawer of my desk," she told her.

"Alright," she answered as she followed her to the door. "Rick told me to tell you to call if you need him."

Kate nodded and then felt the sting of tears as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip.

"He's just worried, Katie," Johanna said softly, sensing her distress.

"I know," she answered, "It's starting to get to him."

Her mother nodded, "It's getting to all of us, but he's held it in longer and now he's letting it out a little, but he'll be back."

Despite blinking rapidly the tears wouldn't clear from her eyes and she leaned her forehead against the door, figuring if she didn't she wouldn't be able to fight the temptation of sinking into her mother's embrace and sobbing out her fears.

"It's alright, Katie," Johanna whispered, wanting desperately to comfort her but knowing that Kate wouldn't allow her to hold her. She'd been allowing her a bit more in the way of touches so she laid her hand against her back and when Kate didn't shrug off the touch she began to move her hand over her back in a soothing motion.

"He'll come back, you'll work it out."

"I don't even know why I'm crying," she admitted, "It wasn't like it was something major, we've had worse disagreements. I know he worries, I know he wants to protect me but…I just felt good this morning, I felt like we had a new starting point. I know it isn't much to go on but it felt like I was doing _something _like maybe we're finally looking in the right area, I thought he'd be happy to have a new angle."

Johanna kept her tone soft as she centered her thoughts and tried to think of the right way to soothe her with words, "He sees your point, and you see his," she began, "But you're tired and frustrated and he's worried and he cares about you, and those points of views that are usually in sync got drowned out this morning by all those other feelings that are swirling around in both of your heads and you clashed a bit; but you stopped it before it went to far, you both understand each other but you need a little space for today to work out your thoughts and that's okay. He's not going to walk away from you and let you standing in the middle of this, Katie, not as long as you give him the option of being here for you."

She nodded and lifted her head away from the door and swiped at her face, "I'm screwed up," she said with a hint of a smile at her mother.

Johanna laughed lightly, "It's genetic, honey, I've been screwed up since birth so it's only natural for you to be too…and then there's your father's side of the gene pool, and that's a whole other version of screwed up."

Kate laughed, "Thanks a lot."

She shrugged, "At least you have someone to blame it on now."

A few more tears broke free, despite her momentary crying jag being at an end and Johanna couldn't resist the maternal tug to wipe them from her face and she did so without thought. Kate said nothing about it, and she did the same as they gave each other a tired smile.

"I sent a text to Dad," Kate told her, "He'll be here in a little while."

Johanna nodded, "You okay to go to work?"

"I'm fine," she replied, "I think I got it out of my system for the moment….but if the urge should strike you to reach for the mixing bowl, I could really go for a cupcake right now."

Her mother smiled, "What kind of icing would you want on this cupcake?"

"That thick white frosting that Grandma made all the time," Kate told her.

Johanna laid a hand on her arm, "I think it's possible that the mood will strike and you'll find cupcakes when you come home."

Kate laughed, "Good, I need something to look forward to."

"It'll be alright, Katie," Johanna said to her as she opened the door to leave.

Kate nodded, took her hand for a moment and squeezed it and then said her goodbyes. Johanna locked the door and returned to the kitchen, she had their project to put away and cupcakes to make, but she stood there in quiet, thinking about how all of them kept telling each other that everything would be okay….the only problem was none of them seemed to believe it.

_Authors Note: Okay guys, wipe that worried expression off your faces, it'll be okay ;) I'll fix it!_


	21. Chapter 21

_Authors Note: First of all I am so very sorry for how long it's taken to get this chapter done. I was sick for a few days and it got me horribly off schedule, but I'm better now and hopefully I won't have such a long delay next time. Secondly, as always, thank you for your reviews, they brighten up my day so keep them coming. I hope you enjoy this chapter and yes that title does say 'Part 1' ;)_

Chapter 21 – Stay Part 1

'_It's not much of a life you're living, it's not just something you take, it's given…Not sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way. I want you to stay.' – Rihanna_

As Jim watched Johanna ice the cupcakes he reached towards the bowl intent on swiping his finger into the confection, but Johanna was quick and slapped his hand before pulling the bowl away from him.

"Hey," he said, "I just wanted a taste."

"These are for Katie," she told him as she carefully spread the icing across her creations.

"What, I can't have any?" he asked.

She smiled at him, "Katie gets first dibs."

"Who says?"

"I do," she remarked, "She asked for them, she gets the first one, and then, if I think you deserve it, you may have one."

Jim grinned at her, "What do I have to do to deserve one?"

She smiled coyly, "It's no fun if I tell you."

He laughed, "What made Katie request cupcakes complete with Naomi's famous white icing?"

She was quiet for a moment as she picked up another cupcake, "She had a bad morning."

Jim thought over that statement for a moment before responding, "Did something happen? Something with the case?"

"No," she answered, a part of her reluctant to tell him about the work she and Kate had done the night before. After seeing Rick's reaction she feared getting a similar one from her husband.

"Something between the two of you?"

"She wouldn't have asked me to make her cupcakes if she was mad at me," she replied.

"Good point," he replied.

"As always."

He smirked at her, "It's still cute how you always think you're right."

Johanna laughed, "You'll be happy to know that I've revised my decision on the state of my rightness," she told him.

"Oh? What is it now?"

"After a lot of contemplation I've decided that I'm not right the 98% of the time I previously claimed….I'm only right about 75% of the time."

"I'd say 50%," he replied with a mischievous smile.

She glared playfully, "That, Mr. Beckett, is not a comment that will get you a cupcake."

"Is that a strike against me or just a warning?" he asked.

"I'll let it pass this time," she replied, "But the next one is going on record."

"Noted," he answered, "Now what's got Katie upset today."

"It's not a what," she told him, "It's a who."

Jim sighed, "Rick?"

Johanna nodded in response as she dipped her knife back into the bowl.

"Whose fault is it?"

"I wouldn't say it's anyone's fault really," she answered, "It's just one of those things."

"It's never just one of those things with Katie and Rick," he remarked, "Now what happened?"

"They had words."

"I gathered that much, what I haven't been told is, about what?"

"Work," she replied, "And that's all I'm saying."

He studied her for a moment, "You claiming mother-daughter confidentiality on this one?"

"Partially," she answered.

"Partially?"

She laid her knife down for a moment and looked at him, "I was an unwilling witness to this disagreement."

"How?"

"I was in the room."

"Why didn't you leave the room?"

"I tried," she told him, "Katie wouldn't let me go, and he told me not to go and she was holding on to my wrist and I was stuck here."

"Why would they want you in the middle of their argument?"

"I don't know," she said, "I tried to go…believe me I didn't want to be involved."

"How bad was it?"

"Not too bad, Katie walked away before it went too far, but she was upset."

"Did she let you comfort her?"

"In a way."

"That's good," he commented.

"Don't say anything to her about it," she said to him, "I don't want her to think I've been talking about her and sharing her business."

"I'll act like I don't know anything," he told her, "Chances are he's already brought her a cup of coffee and they're over it."

She glanced at him, "I don't know about that."

"Guess we'll find out," he replied; and then he took notice of her hands. He knew she'd been wearing her engagement ring but now he saw that her right hand now held that familiar emerald ring that had been a gift from her parents.

"What made you decide to start wearing that?" he asked, gesturing to the ring.

"Katie," she answered, "She told me to wear it because she's not fond of picking it up from the police station…and that my father wouldn't be happy with the thought that it had been stolen."

Jim nodded and then smiled, "It's been a long time since you've wore only those rings," he commented, "I still remember how afraid you were to take me to meet your father."

"I was trying to spare you as long as possible," she replied.

"But Frank issued his command," he said with a laugh.

Johanna glanced at her rings and then back to Jim, "I remember."

"You were afraid he'd make me change my mind."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"I told you I wouldn't before we got there," he reminded her.

She smiled at him and let silence fall between them as he turned his attention to some article in the newspaper and her mind filled with the memory of that night her father had issued his demand to meet her fiancé.

"_That's a beautiful ring," her mother said as the sparkle of Johanna's emerald cut diamond solitaire engagement ring caught her eye._

_Johanna smiled as she glanced at it; two weeks later and she was still giddy. Happy, didn't even begin to describe the way she had been feeling ever since Jim had slipped that ring onto her finger._

"_It is, isn't it?" she replied._

"_Come over here and let me see it," her father demanded from his place at the table, where he sat drinking his coffee as they cleaned up after dinner._

_She hesitated, as she always did whenever her father ordered her to do something, and she took a second to steel herself before she laid aside the dishtowel and moved back to the table, taking a seat across from him and extending her left hand towards him so he could examine her ring._

_He put his glasses on, picked up her hand and held it up to his eye level and examined the stone from different angles and then assessed the gold band that it was set in._

"_That must've cost him a pretty penny," he commented as he let go over her hand._

"_She's worth it," Naomi stated._

_As she looked at her father, who was still staring at her ring as her hand rested on the table, she couldn't help but feel that he disagreed. She moved to rejoin her mother but his gaze flicked back to her face._

"_Sit down; I'm not done with you yet."_

_She dropped back into her chair, a feeling of dread in her stomach as she looked him in the eye._

"_What do I know about this man?" Frank asked._

_She sighed, "Dad, I've told you about Jim. I've known him for over three years, we work together, we've been friends, and we started dating six months ago."_

"_That doesn't tell me what kind of person he is," he remarked, his tone gruff and firm as it usually was whenever they had to speak of anything important to her._

"_He's a good man," she answered, "He's kind, respectful, caring, honest; he's a hard worker, he's good at his job, he's responsible. He's good to me, he makes me happy, he loves me…I love him."_

"_Then why haven't you brought him around?" Frank demanded to know, "Are you ashamed of your family?"_

"_Of course not!" she exclaimed._

_Her father gave her a hard look, "You damn well better not be, because if you're sitting there in your fancy clothes thinking you're above us let me assure you that you are sadly mistaken."_

"_I would never think that!" she replied, her defenses rising, "And as for my clothes, I have to dress nicely for work. I can't go into a courtroom looking unprofessional."_

"_You can look professional without looking fancy," he declared waving a hand at her green silk blouse and her black fitted blazer that matched her skirt, "You probably paid more for that outfit then I've paid for everything in your mother's closet combined."_

"_It's my money, Dad, I work for it, and what I spend it on is my business. I know how you hate to see money being spent on things that you consider to be frivolous but as long as it isn't yours don't worry about it. I would've changed clothes before coming over but I was running late."_

"_You're always running late," he accused, "You were even born late."_

"_I'm sorry," she answered._

"_You still haven't answered my question."_

"_What question?"_

"_Why haven't you brought this boy around?"_

_She couldn't control the urge to roll her eyes, "First of all he's not a boy, he's a man; secondly I haven't brought him around because the opportunity hasn't presented itself and because you haven't asked me too. I'm not going to show up with him unannounced."_

"_Excuses, Johanna, it's always excuses with you."_

"_Leave her alone, Frank," Naomi interrupted, "I've met Jim, he's a nice young man."_

"_When have you met him?" he demanded to know._

"_I've met him a few times when I was at Johanna's apartment."_

_Frank turned his cold gaze towards his daughter, "Is he living with you!"_

"_No!" she responded, it was true, Jim wasn't living with her…it was more like she was living with him on the weekends but if her father knew that he'd blow up for sure._

"_You know in my day when a man wanted to marry a woman, he went and asked her father for her hand," he stated firmly as he eyed the diamond resting on her finger._

"_That's old fashioned," she said._

"_No, it's respectful!"_

_She sighed, "The father isn't the one who has to marry the man, so really it shouldn't matter what he thinks."_

_Frank glared at her, "And that, Johanna, is just one more example of your stupidity."_

_It hurt but she was used to it, "He didn't ask your permission because he doesn't know you."_

"_Whose fault is that?" he demanded to know._

"_Mine!" she shouted in frustration._

"_Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady," he said in that low threatening tone that always struck fear into her heart as a child, and it still did scare her at times, she still remembered when she was 15 and had ran her mouth too much and gotten the back of his hand across her face for her trouble._

"_I'm sorry," she muttered, although she wasn't._

"_Don't lie to me," he retorted, "You're never sorry."_

"_Oh, believe me," Johanna replied, "There are times when I am." Which was true, she thought to herself, for instance she was sorry she had accepted this invitation to dinner._

"_You bring him over here," Frank said as he pointed a finger at her._

"_I will."_

"_Next Sunday," he demanded._

"_I'll see if he can make it," she replied._

"_Sunday, Johanna!"_

_She nodded as her stomach twisted into knots, "We'll be here."_

"_You better be," he replied, "No one wants to see you married off more than I do but I'll be damned if I let you run off and do it without me checking this guy over. I'm not going to trust your judgment, you don't…"_

"_Have the sense god gave a goose," she said in unison with him._

"_Well it's the truth," he bellowed._

"_Now, Frank," Naomi interjected, "How can you say that? She's a lawyer; she's done well for herself."_

"_She has book smarts," Frank stated, "But she lacks common sense."_

"_She does not," Naomi countered as she ran a hand over Johanna's hair before taking a seat next to her._

"_I guess that's why she broke her arm falling out of a tree," he remarked._

"_I was 5, Dad!" she exclaimed in frustration, "And I didn't fall, Frankie pushed me off the limb."_

"_You shouldn't have been up there in the first place!" he yelled back, "Little girls aren't supposed to climb trees, that's what boys do, you got what you deserved only I'm the one who had to pay for it in the form of doctor bills!"_

"_Well I'm the one who's been afraid of heights ever since," she remarked tartly, "And personally I think Frankie should've gotten what he deserved for pushing me in the first place but you didn't say a word to him. As for the doctor bills, tell me how much it cost, I'm sure you probably remember, and I'll write you out a check and reimburse you for it. I wouldn't want it to be said that you had to pay for my stupidity."_

_Her father glared at her and she matched his stare as she stewed in anger and hurt._

"_I don't want your money; I want you to exhibit some ability of having common sense for once in your life."_

_Johanna nodded, "I'll do that now," she said as she rose from her chair, "I'm leaving."_

_Frank scoffed, "Go ahead, Johanna, run away like you always do. Things get hard or little Johanna doesn't get her way she just up and runs, that's how it's always been. You were always the runaway."_

"_It's a shame I didn't keep on going," Johanna retorted, recalling her ill-fated attempt to run away from home when she was 12._

"_Don't say that, Johanna," her mother said, as she tried to quell the rising tensions, "Come sit back down and let's talk about something else. Frank you leave her alone."_

"_God help the man that's decided to take her on for the rest of his life," Frank stated, "He probably has no idea what he's getting into."_

_She had her hand on the doorknob, ready to make her escape, but something bubbled up within her and she turned back towards her father._

"_You know what the best thing about Jim is?" she asked, "He's nothing like you."_

_For once it seemed as though she had struck back with the right blow as Frank seemed to lose his composure for a moment and was at a loss for words._

"_Why do you hate me?" she asked him, "What did I ever do to you besides being born?"_

_His eyes narrowed and his face hardened and he was up out of his chair and coming towards her before she could even blink. Naomi was trying to outrun him and put herself between them but she couldn't match Frank's stride and he was in Johanna's face before she even made it halfway across the room._

"_Hate you!" he bellowed, "If I hated you I would've made your mother leave you on someone's doorstep, I wouldn't have fed and clothed you! I wouldn't have put you through law school! How dare you make that accusation!" he yelled as he poked her shoulder sharply with each statement._

"_It's how you make me feel," she answered, the boldness she had felt slipping away._

"_You and your damn feelings!" he berated, "You're nothing but an ungrateful selfish brat and you always have been! You are the worst of my children; sometimes I don't even know how it's possible that you're my blood!"_

"_Stop it, both of you," Naomi demanded as she pushed against Frank's shoulder forcing him out of Johanna's space._

_She bit her lip, forcing herself not show any emotion and she turned towards her mother and kissed her cheek. "I'm going home," she told her._

"_Call and let me know you got there safely," Naomi stated as she wrapped her arms around her in a brief embrace, no longer bothering to ask her to stay._

"_I'll be fine, don't worry about it."_

"_You do as your mother says and call her. I won't have her up all night worrying about you," Frank said tersely._

"_Fine," Johanna replied as she opened the door._

"_And you be here Sunday with your fiancé," he ordered._

_She looked over her shoulder at him, an ounce of defiance left in her and remarked, "We'll see," before slamming the door shut._

Johanna shook the memory away as she frosted the last cupcake. She had taken Jim home to meet her father that Sunday as she had been ordered to do, but only because her mother called almost everyday imploring her to, and Jim felt it was best to get it over with so she could stop worrying about it. It had been one of the longest dinners in her life and she had spent most of the time biting her tongue and watching the clock as Jim held his own with her father. She sighed as she looked across the table at her husband, who glanced up from the newspaper and smiled at her. She returned his smile and held the cupcake she had just finished out towards him.

He looked at her with confusion and then grinned, "I thought I had to wait until Princess Katherine had hers first."

"I'm making an exception," Johanna replied.

"Why's that?"

"To thank you for still marrying me after meeting my father," she told him.

He accepted the cupcake from her hand, "You already thanked me for that."

"It bore repeating," Johanna said.

He laughed and began to peel the cupcake paper away, but then he sat it down and pulled his wallet from his pocket and extracted a twenty dollar bill and held it out to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"That's to thank you for not divorcing me when my mother stayed with us for a week," Jim told her.

Johanna laughed and took the money, "It was touch and go there for awhile."

"I know," he answered, "You did a lot of baking that week…cupcakes, cookies, fudge, and when you worked your way up to making a pie from scratch, I knew it was only a matter of time before you left me or poisoned her."

"Thankfully neither of those events took place," she replied, "Although I may have briefly entertained the notion of poisoning her."

He laughed and then picked up his cupcake and took a bite.

"Still good?" she asked.

He nodded, "As always."

* * *

By the time Kate came home from work she was still feeling bothered about the disagreement she had with Castle that morning. She hoped her mother had made those cupcakes because she was craving one, and a part of her was even willing to admit that she wanted to soak up the comfort of being with her mother.

She walked into the kitchen, the smell of dinner cooking filling the air as she made her greetings to her parents, who exchanged glances about the look on her face and the mood it conveyed, and then her eyes caught sight of the tray of cupcakes sitting on the counter and she smiled.

"Oh good, you made them," she said as she reached for one.

"Shouldn't you wait until after dinner?" Johanna asked, "It'll be done in a minute."

Kate shook her head, "No, I've been waiting for this all day," she said before peeling back the paper and biting into it.

Her mother smirked at her but said nothing as she began to fill plates with the dinner she had prepared. Kate finished off her cupcake and her eyes were drawn back to the tray and she counted them.

"You ate one without me," she accused as she accepted the plate her mother held out towards her.

"I did not, you're father did."

Kate looked to Jim who grinned at her. "Who said he got first dibs?"

"I had to let him have one," Johanna told her.

"Why?"

"Because he married me," she answered.

"So," she remarked, "I asked for them, that's not fair."

"Now you know where you rank in the scheme of things, Katie," Jim teased, hoping to lighten her mood.

She glared at him in amusement, "I'm still the boss here."

"Says who?" he asked.

She plucked the badge from her waistband and held it up, "The NYPD."

"That's fine," he said as they all settled into their places at the table, "But when this is all over we're going back to the days when I was the boss of this family."

Kate looked to Johanna and they both laughed. "What day was that?" Kate asked.

"Shh," Johanna said, "Don't tell him."

"What are you two getting at?" he asked, "Are you saying I wasn't the boss?"

Kate nodded, "I always thought that was common knowledge."

"Then who was?" he asked her.

Her gaze flicked towards Johanna and his followed. His wife smiled at him and reached out and patted his hand, "It's alright honey, you remember it any way you want."

Kate laughed at the expression on his face, "Come on, Dad, you know she was the boss."

"That's just what I let her think," Jim replied.

Johanna laughed and turned her attention to Kate, "How was your day?"

"Fine."

"What brought on the need for cupcakes?" Jim asked her, letting on as though Johanna had told him nothing.

"I just wanted one," she replied.

He eyed her, "I know that look on your face, what did Rick do this time?"

"Let's not talk about me and Rick," she answered, "Let's talk about you."

"What about me?"

She shrugged, "Has Melanie dropped by to see you lately?" she asked as the thought of that conversation she had with her at Macy's entered her mind.

Jim's fork slipped from his grasp and clattered against the plate, his gaze automatically snapping to his wife's face to gauge her reaction to that question. Johanna was watching him intently, a brow raised inquisitively and the slightest hint of a smirk on her lips.

"Why would she do that?" he said with a laugh as he turned his attention towards his daughter.

Kate smiled, "I saw her at Macy's the other day, she told me to tell you that she was going to drop by one day."

"She just worries so much about you," Johanna stated as she continued to eye him.

Jim looked to his wife and saw those fiery flickers of jealousy and possessiveness in her eyes and then he looked back at his daughter, "You shouldn't tell your mother these things," he whispered, "You don't know the history of her and Melanie."

"She knows enough of it now to get the gist of things," Johanna said before Kate could even utter a word, "And she didn't tell me about this conversation with Melanie, I heard it for myself."

"What do you mean you heard it?" Jim asked.

"I was there."

"What the hell were you doing at Macy's!" he exclaimed.

"The same thing I've always done at Macy's," she remarked.

"Retail therapy," Kate stated.

"She didn't see you?" Jim asked.

"No, I stayed hidden behind Kate. It was a fascinating conversation," Johanna told him.

Jim took a drink of water, he hadn't done anything wrong and yet he felt like a fish who had gotten caught in the net, and that Kate and Johanna were going to enjoy watching him flop around in the boat.

"You know Melanie, she's all talk," he stated.

Kate scoffed, "I heard she's about more than just talking."

"You've already said enough," Jim told her, "I just got out of trouble and you're trying to push me into more."

"Are you worried, Jim?" Johanna asked as Kate laughed, "Is this conversation troubling you for some reason?"

"Of course not," he stated, "I haven't done anything. I haven't seen Melanie since Jeff's birthday party."

Johanna smirked and decided to play with him a little. "So you even recall the date, must've been some occasion."

"I remember because it was Jeff's birthday," he remarked, "Not because of her."

Kate watched as her mother studied him with an assessing gaze, a hint of mischief in her eyes and she couldn't help but join in.

"I feel like I should advise you of your rights," she told her father.

"I know my rights," he replied, "I think I'll choose to remain silent."

Johanna shook her head, "Those rights only apply to the outside world," she teased, "In this kitchen at this moment, you don't have that right."

"Johanna's law?" he asked.

"Do you know any other?" Kate remarked.

Johanna eyed her husband, "You're such a good friend to her," she stated, mocking Melanie's sugary sweet tone.

Jim shook his head, "I'm not."

"According to her you are," Johanna replied.

"Melanie lies, you know that."

"Melanie told me how you and her had good times back in the day," Kate told him.

"No," Jim replied, "We're just acquaintances."

Kate and Johanna laughed at him. "Liar," Johanna stated

Kate looked at her father, "From what I've heard I'm not buying that one either."

"Your mother exaggerates."

"No, I don't!"

Kate laughed, "I don't know, Dad, the stories I've heard are pretty convincing and then there is that conversation I had with Melanie and her obvious dislike of my mother. The evidence is stacking up against you."

"There are two sides to every story, Katie," Jim replied, "Or in this case three."

"Well then let's hear your side."

"Yes, Jim," Johanna teased, "Let's hear all about you and Melanie."

"There's nothing to tell."

They both scoffed and then Johanna eyed him as he had seen her do to people she had on the witness stand and he knew she was enjoying this.

"You went out with her," she stated.

"That was just business."

"Right," Johanna laughed, "We all know what kind of business Melanie liked to deal in."

"Nothing happened," he said, although he avoided eye contact with her.

"You couldn't look me in the eye and say that back then and you can't look me in the eye and say it now," Johanna remarked.

"It doesn't matter," he responded, "We weren't even together then."

"That doesn't mean she didn't already love you then," Kate said as she leapt back into the conversation.

"Well then she should've told me," he answered as he held Johanna's gaze.

Johanna avoided that subtle accusation and launched a new question, "How many times did you go out with her?"

"Just once."

She raised a brow as she regarded him, "You want to stick with that answer?"

"I married you, Johanna," he stated.

"I remember," she replied, "But we're talking about the competition now, and after all she did always make the statement that I wasn't your type."

"Yeah, she made that statement at Macy's," Kate told him.

He chuckled as he looked at his wife, "And you managed to keep yourself hidden during that?"

"It wasn't easy."

"I bet," he laughed.

"When this is all over, I'm going to her house and knock on the door," Johanna remarked.

"And then what?" Jim asked.

"And then I'm going to punch her in the mouth for all those things she said at Macy's."

Kate laughed, "I'll drive you."

"Don't encourage her," Jim said, "She'll go do it, she's always hated her."

"Are you worried about her, Jim?" Johanna asked.

"No, I just don't want to have to bail you out of jail."

"You won't have to," Kate remarked, "I'll make sure it goes down as self defense."

Johanna grinned at her husband, "That's my girl."

He nodded, "She's her mother's daughter alright."

"I've also been advised that if I find Melanie in the house with you that I'm to dispose of her," she told her father.

"Did you tell her that?" Jim asked Johanna.

She nodded, "I told her it was her moral obligation."

Jim shook his head, "What do you two talk about when I'm not around?"

"Whatever comes to mind," Kate answered.

"Quit trying to change the subject," Johanna stated, "You've never really answered the question."

"What question?"

"Has Melanie dropped by for a visit lately?"

"No," he stated, "I told you, I haven't seen her since Jeff's birthday."

"Has she been in the house?" Johanna questioned.

Jim hesitated and Kate's gaze shifted between her parents. "Before you answer that question, you should probably think about the way you phrase it."

"She's been by with Jeff," he answered.

Johanna bit her lip, "You let her in my house."

"With Jeff."

"You let her in my house!"

"Not by herself," he answered.

"I don't care," she declared, "You let her in my house!"

Kate tried not to laugh but she couldn't help herself.

"I couldn't leave her on the porch," Jim replied.

"Yes, you could," Johanna said.

"I couldn't."

"Where has she been in my house?" she questioned.

"The kitchen," he answered.

Her eyes widened as she stared at him, "You let her in my kitchen?"

Kate shook her head as her father's gaze collided with hers, "Damn, Dad, you should've said the living room, there's only one room worse than the kitchen in her mind."

Jim snapped his gaze back to his wife, "She was never anywhere near the upstairs."

"You better hope she wasn't."

"I swear," he said.

Johanna looked to Kate, "You went to the wedding; did any of her kids look like your father?"

"She has kids?" Kate asked, "I don't recall hearing about any."

"She had three last time I heard," her mother replied.

"They weren't there," Jim stated, "I don't think they have much to do with her."

"Well she did ship them off to boarding school as soon as they were old enough," Johanna replied.

"Then I guess we won't know if any of them look like Dad," Kate said.

Jim looked at her, "I can assure both of you that none of her kids look like me."

"Lucky for you," Kate teased.

Jim saw an opportunity to turn the tables on Johanna and tease her a bit, "You know Katie doesn't look anything like me either."

Johanna laughed, "Don't you even go there, you know she's yours, we were married when we had her."

Jim shrugged, "Doesn't matter, she still doesn't look like me."

"Who do you think she got her height from?" Johanna asked, "She's taller than me, and she has your mother's hair color and a love of baseball."

"She could've got those things from anyone," he replied.

"But she didn't," she replied, "She got them from you and you're still trying to change the subject."

"Melanie was just a friend," he stated.

"I thought you said she was just an acquaintance," Kate said.

"You shut up," Jim said with a laugh as he pointed at her, "You're a damn troublemaker."

"You know what they say," Kate replied, "If you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen."

He looked to Johanna and grinned, "I haven't been dismissed yet."

"That's right," Johanna returned, "And back then you were playing the 'just friends' game with me."

"Not all the time," he remarked coyly, "We had our moments."

"What? A kiss here and there?"

He scoffed, "Oh come on now, Jo, you know there was more than that."

She looked at him, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Atlantic City," he stated as if he had just revealed a winning lottery number.

Kate glanced back and forth between her parents, her father grinning and her mother at a loss for words as her cheeks flooded with color. She knew she probably shouldn't ask, that it was probably an answer she didn't want to know but she couldn't help herself.

"What happened in Atlantic City?" she asked.

Jim regarded Johanna with a raised brow as he smiled in satisfaction at throwing her off balance, "You want to handle that one?" he asked.

She stammered for a moment and then took a drink, "Nothing happened," she said as she shifted her gaze away from him.

He laughed, "Apparently you can't look me in the eye and say that, Johanna. Did you notice that, Katie?" he asked.

She nodded, "I noticed," she answered as she looked to her mother and smiled, "What happened?"

Johanna glanced at her, "Jeff got arrested."

Kate laughed, "What?" she asked, "Why?"

"He was involved in a fight," Jim answered.

"What was it about?" she asked.

"Someone made a pass at his girlfriend…I didn't see the fight though," he told her.

"But you got the call to bail him out," Johanna stated as she shot him a look that told him she remembered exactly what had happened that long ago weekend.

"Did you see the fight?" Kate asked her.

"No she didn't," Jim said before she could answer.

Kate looked between them once more, "I have a feeling that I really probably don't want to know, but I'm intrigued now and I can regret it later. What the hell happened in Atlantic City besides Jeff getting arrested?"

"Your mother was being a tease," he replied.

"I was not!" she exclaimed.

"Yes you were," he returned with a laugh.

Kate chuckled and looked at her father, "Did she try and lead you into temptation?" she teased as her mother blushed furiously.

Jim nodded, "That's what she did, she ran around being a tease and tried to tempt me."

Johanna laughed, "I did not!"

"Don't deny it."

"Prove it," she demanded.

He grinned at her, "Fine, I will."

"Oh you will?" she asked skeptically.

"Yes, after dinner I'll go get my proof."

Kate laughed, "I can't wait to see this."

"I probably can," Johanna remarked.

The conversation faded, her father beaming proudly about turning the tables on his wife and Johanna seemed to be contemplating what his proof might be. Any other time the silence wouldn't have bothered her but tonight, it served only to remind her of her problem with Castle and without her parents distracting her she found herself picking at her food and replaying the morning's disagreement in her mind.

* * *

After dinner, Jim set off on his mission to bring back the proof he promised Johanna and together she and Kate began to clean up the kitchen. She noticed that she had grown quiet, that her expression was pensive and she wondered if things had somehow gotten worse between her and her partner. She made the decision to bring him up, hoping that her daughter would confide in her so she could comfort her.

"Did you hear from Rick?" she asked as they washed the dishes.

Kate shook her head, "No, but I didn't expect to, I was the one who told him not to come to the precinct today."

"Do you think he'll show up tomorrow?"

She shrugged, "I don't know."

Johanna glanced at the expression on her face, "You're worried."

Kate was silent for a moment, weighing the merits of having this conversation with her mother. "I guess I am," she answered.

"You said that you've had worse disagreements," Johanna said as she attempted to draw her out.

"We have, but…"

"But what?"

Kate laid the dish towel aside and leaned a hip against the counter, her arms crossed and her gaze on the floor, avoiding her mother's face. "It's just that we went through this 'rough spot' and I thought we were in a better place now."

"How long ago was this 'rough spot'?" Johanna asked.

"A few weeks before you came home," she answered, "We were just getting back to normal when you showed up."

"What was it about?" she questioned.

Kate looked her in the eye for a moment, "I don't know, one minute we were fine and the next we weren't."

Johanna didn't believe that Kate didn't at least have some idea of what that rough spot was about but she didn't press the issue; she seemed willing to confide in her a bit and she didn't want to do or say something that would cause her to shut down the conversation.

"And now?" she asked instead of prying the whole thing out of her.

"Now we're…closer," her daughter admitted somewhat shyly.

"Closer than before this rough spot?"

She nodded as she shifted awkwardly, keeping her gaze everywhere but on her mother.

"Have you talked about that?" she asked her.

"Yeah," Kate said hesitantly, "We've talked about it…in a way," she answered; recalling the things she had said to him that night they had stayed over after the poker game.

Johanna managed to catch her eye and smiled reassuringly, "Don't worry, Katie, it'll work out, he'll be around."

"And then what?" Kate asked her, "What am I supposed to do then?"

"It depends," she replied, "Are you mad at him about this morning?"

She was quiet for a second as she thought over the wealth of emotions she had felt that morning, "Any other time, I would've been."

"What's different about this time?" Johanna questioned.

"Everything."

"You want to narrow it down for me?" her mother asked, and as Kate shifted her gaze back to her face she saw understanding and patience in her eyes, just as she always had back when confiding her troubles in her had been a normal part of her life.

Kate took a breath and pushed away from the counter, opting to sit down while she dove into the differences. Her mother followed her lead and pulled out the chair next to her and waited.

"The case is the same but it's about something different now," she began, "It was always about finding justice for you, because no one else had or would and I couldn't live with that, I couldn't live without knowing why; but now you're here, you're alive," she said with a lump in her throat that gave her voice a choked sound and she paused to clear the emotion away, "And now finding the answer and ending this is about something more than justice; it's about making sure no one takes you away again, it's about both of us being able to live without a target on our backs, it's about both of us being able to move on with our lives, to be free."

Johanna nodded and then she carefully covered Kate's hand with her own, after a moment Kate turned her hand and grasped her mothers in return.

"What else is different?" she asked her.

"I'm different," Kate said.

"In what ways?"

Kate looked at her, and then her unoccupied hand strayed towards her heart, "The tightness that I used to feel here," she said tapping against her chest, "It's not there as much anymore. The walls that I hid behind are falling down. I feel like I'm in a better place in my mind, like maybe I've gained some type of maturity that I didn't realize I lacked. I'm ready to start moving forward, and I am in some ways. I can't move at a faster pace right now and I can't make too big of a jump until…"

"Until this thing is settled," Johanna supplied.

She nodded, "I don't want you to think that's a dig at you, because it's not, I'm not blaming you for how I am, I made the choice to be this way. I know this isn't what you wanted for me, that you wouldn't want me to do this, that you would've never told me to, but I did it because I felt I had too, I just couldn't go to law school and let someone get away with this, it didn't feel right. I know a lot of people think I made the wrong choices, that I've hid behind you and that I closed myself off so I wouldn't have to hurt like that again, and maybe that's true but it felt like the only thing I could do and maybe it was wrong but I can't change that."

Johanna stayed quiet, allowing her to ramble on with her torrent of emotions because it was obvious that it needed to come out and she felt as though this was probably the closest they would get to discussing their own issues for the time being.

"But I feel different now," Kate continued on, "I still feel like I did the right thing, I don't regret the choices I've made, at least not all of them, but I'm different now, I'm ready to be something more than I've been the past 13 years."

"That's good, Katie," Johanna said softly, "You deserve more, you deserve all the happiness you can find, and I don't take anything you said as a dig towards me. I understand what you're saying, and you're right I would've never told you to go out and chase this thing, I didn't want you to change your life for me, but that doesn't mean that I see the choices you made as wrong, and if other people see it that way it's there problem; but knowing that you're caught up in this with me is terrifying in more ways then you can imagine, knowing you go out and risk your life on a daily basis, terrifies me; but I'm proud of you, I couldn't be more proud. You're good at what you do and you do it for the right reasons. As your mom, I would of course prefer you to be in a terribly boring profession where the worst thing that could happen to you is that you break a nail opening a filing cabinet," she said with a soft laugh.

Kate laughed with her as she brought her gaze back to her face.

"But as a daughter," Johanna stated, "As someone who loved her mother dearly, I can honestly say that I would've done the same thing you did. If someone had taken my mother away from me and I didn't know why, I wouldn't have been able to rest without answers and I would've went looking for them. I would've made that same choice, so I understand, Katie, and maybe in the midst of making the right choice for yourself, you made some bad choices along the way, but that's part of life. We all make bad choices or wrong choices, but it's how we overcome them that matters, and maybe that feeling you have of being different, of gaining a new sense of maturity, is the proof that you've overcame the things you did wrong."

"You think so?" Kate asked her.

She nodded, "Do you know how I know that?"

"No, how?"

"Because I know all to well how it feels to have a steel band wrapped around your heart for 13 years," Johanna answered, "To feel that tightness lying in your chest."

"How does yours feel now?"

She smiled softly, "It feels a lot like yours probably does, still a bit of an ache but so much better, I feel like I can breathe again."

Kate nodded in agreement, "That sounds right."

"Is anything else different?" Johanna asked her; giving her an out if she wanted to switch topics.

"Yeah," she answered.

"What?"

"Castle and I are different, our relationship is different."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" she asked.

"Sometimes I'm not sure," she replied.

"Why?"

"I'm still afraid of getting hurt, of losing what we already have."

"We're all afraid of getting hurt," Johanna told her, "And there is no such thing as a perfect relationship that is void of hurt or anger at times. Look at your parents," she stated.

"You two had a happy marriage, and probably when this is all over you'll go back to that," Kate said.

"Yes, we were happily married, but that didn't mean we didn't fight, you know we did, I'm sure you heard the yelling."

Kate laughed, "Yeah I remember a few 'loud' discussions, and one occasion when you slept in my room because he wouldn't let you throw him out of yours."

Johanna laughed, "That was one of our worst moments," she said, "But it is proof that we fought, and there were times when he hurt me and of course I've hurt him; and then there is the whole fiasco of our relationship before we were married, and let me tell you, Katie, he hurt me more times than he probably knows."

"Why did you keep going back?" she asked, "Why didn't you give up?"

"Because I loved him," Johanna told her, "I loved him enough to forgive him…of course sometimes it could've also been stupidity. You do stupid things when you're in love."

Kate laughed, "Like going out with a jackass to make him jealous?"

Her mother laughed with her, "That wasn't stupid; that was a brilliant set up….with maybe a touch of desperation."

"Whatever works," Kate told her.

"Exactly, and it worked way better than I imagined it could," she stated, "I should've done it sooner."

Their laughter faded and Kate looked to her again, "So what do I do?"

"You wait for him, because I know you're not going to call, at least not yet, and when he comes around you show him that you're not angry."

"But it's probably going to be awkward…again."

Johanna sighed, "See this is why you should've shot that idiot that broke in here. If he wouldn't have been here, you could've talked Rick into staying and you could've tried out that kitchen dance test and this would all be a lot easier."

"That may be true," Kate said, "But that doesn't tell me what to do now."

"If you're not angry, then you just let him know that the door is still open," she told her, "You show him that you understand his concern and that you're not holding it against him."

"And if that doesn't work?"

She was at a loss for a moment and then she grinned, "I'll call his mother."

Kate laughed, "And what? Have Martha punish him?"

"No," she answered, "We have her smack him upside the head and send him over here."

"I don't think that would work."

"Fine, we'll lure him over here on our own and I'll smack him upside the head until he gets it."

"Do you have tactics in mind if it comes to luring?" Kate asked her.

"Not at the moment but if it comes down to it I'll think of one, I won't let you down."

Kate smiled as silence fell between them and then she spoke, "Thanks."

"For what?"

She shrugged, "For this, I guess."

"We can talk about things anytime you want," Johanna told her, "Listening and advice have always been in my job description as your mother."

"Yeah, but…it's kind of weird to talk about him with you," she admitted.

"Why? We talked about boys before."

She laughed, "Yeah but I was a teenager back then."

"True," Johanna said, "But wasn't that weird at first?"

"Yes," she admitted, "I guess it was."

"But you got used to it, you came to me when you had a problem that you couldn't find an answer to or when you needed advice."

"I know, but it's different now."

"You know why?"

"Probably, but I'll let you tell me anyway," Kate replied.

Johanna laughed, "It's different and weird now because this isn't a teenage crush or first love. Now you're grown up and we haven't gotten the opportunity to discuss a relationship that is this serious, and of course it's going to feel weird, just like it did the first time we discussed a 'boy' problem but it doesn't have to stay that way. We can talk about it; you might find that my advice can be better now that you're older."

"Why is that?" Kate asked.

"Because now I can tell you things I couldn't tell you then," she answered.

"Oh, now I get the real stories," Kate teased.

Johanna nodded as she grinned, "Yes and as you've been learning, I have a lot of them, because three years of chasing after your father and a year of dating him didn't come without it's trials and tribulations."

"And where does Atlantic City come in to that?" she asked her.

She blushed and then looked her in the eye, "It was neither trial nor tribulation," she stated.

"Then what was it?"

Johanna looked at her, "It was turning point…at least for me it was," she stated as she rose from her chair and went back to the dishes.

Kate had a feeling she knew what kind of turning point that was and she said no more about it as she helped finish the task of cleaning up as they waited for the knock on the door that would signal Jim's return.

* * *

Finally he came back and as Kate let him into the apartment, Johanna took notice of the old photo album he had in his hand.

"Is your proof in there?" she asked as he laid it on the coffee table.

"No," he answered, "It's in my pocket; I took it out of there and then decided to bring you the whole thing."

"Let me see the proof," she said as she held her hand out towards him.

He grinned, "I'm not giving the proof to you," he told Johanna, "I'll give it to Katie and let her be the judge, I think I can trust her to be impartial."

"Fine," she stated, "Give it to her."

Kate laughed as she held out her hand, "Give me the evidence."

Jim pulled a photo from his pocket, being careful to keep the back of it facing Johanna and then he handed it to Kate.

She smiled and then she laughed as she looked at the image of her mother, clad in an emerald green bikini on the beach in Atlantic City, her eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses, her hair pinned up and she was laughing, looking like she was having the time of her life.

"This is the proof?" she asked.

He nodded, "I think it speaks for itself."

"What is it?" Johanna asked as Kate continued to laugh.

Her daughter looked at her, her eyes shining with mischief as she grinned, "You tramp; shame on you for wearing a bikini to the beach."

Johanna laughed as Kate turned the photo around for her to see, "That's your proof?" she asked incredulously, "I wasn't the only person wearing a bikini that day."

"You know you only wore it to tease me," her husband commented.

"I did not!"

"I think you're losing on this one, Dad," Kate told him, "Bikini's are standard beach attire."

"She had on other clothes when she got there," he remarked.

Johanna rolled her eyes, "I had on shorts and a shirt; like most people wear to cover up their swimsuit until they get there."

Jim scoffed, "I don't know why you bothered those shorts didn't hide much."

"They're called shorts for a reason, Jim" she retorted.

He nodded, "Yes, but there's shorts and then there's what you had on."

"They weren't that bad!"

Kate laughed, "Do we have proof of the shorts?"

He smiled at his wife and then pulled another picture from his pocket and handed it to their daughter.

Kate looked at the picture and then at her mother, "Those are pretty short."

"I told you," Jim said with a laugh.

"That was the style," she declared.

"Yeah, Daisy Duke's," Kate teased.

Her mother stammered for a moment and then looked at her, "For your information, that show wasn't even on the air yet when I wore those."

Kate pretended to look shocked, "You mean Daisy stole your style?"

"You brat," she said with a laugh, "Give me that."

"No," she said as she moved away from her, holding the picture out of her reach.

"Give it to me."

"Nope," she said with a laugh as she looked at it, "Guess they named those shorts Johanna Beckett's instead of Daisy Duke's."

She smirked, "I was still a McKenzie then."

Kate nodded, "Sorry, I forgot we were talking about ancient history here."

Her jaw dropped for a moment, "You just stop that," she said with a grin as she pointed a finger at her before turning her attention to her husband. "I hope you're happy."

"I am," he said as he watched them laugh and tease each other, and for the moment he was happy. This was how home used to sound and he drank it up and held onto that feeling as he thought about staying there with them for the night just so it could last awhile longer.

"Do you have a verdict?" Johanna asked Kate, breaking his line of thought and pulling him back to the conversation.

She laughed and nodded, "Yes, I find that while I can see why you would find the bikini distracting and that the shorts were very short it is all standard of beach wear and I see no premeditation of temptation."

"You lose!" Johanna exclaimed.

"I should've known," he teased, "You women always stick together."

"That's right," she told him, "Don't you forget it."

"You know," Kate said as she took one more look at the photo, "I remember a time in high school when I tried to wear a skirt which was short, but nowhere near as short as these shorts that you have on, and you chased me back up the stairs and made me change and then confiscated the skirt."

"What's your point?" her mother asked as she snatched the picture away from her.

"The point is why were you allowed to do it and not me?"

"Because I said so."

"That's not right, you were being a hypocrite."

"No I wasn't," she said, "You weren't going out dressed like that."

"But you did."

"Yeah," she said, "And obviously I know what happens when you dress like that."

"I thought you said nothing happened," Kate said with a gleam in her eye.

Johanna glared at her as Jim laughed, "Nice one, Katie," he told her, "You got the confession."

"I always do," she said victoriously.

"I'm not talking about this anymore," Johanna said as she picked up the album and sat down beside Jim on the sofa. "I'm not confessing to anything."

"You already did," he replied, "She finally got the best of you."

"It's a sad day," she commented as she opened the cover of the album and a trip down memory lane.

"Look how young we were," Johanna said wistfully as they looked at the pictures.

Jim laughed, "Depressing, isn't it?"

"A little," she replied.

"I didn't have gray hair back then," he commented as he studied one of the images.

Johanna smiled at him, "I like it," she told him, her tone lightly flirtatious, "It makes you look distinguished."

He smiled, "I could live without looking distinguished."

"Could be worse," Kate said, "You could be bald."

"Bite your tongue," Jim said as they laughed.

"I don't know what you're complaining for," Johanna told him, "I'm the one who has to wear reading glasses. I always thought that would happen to you before me, and I think that's supremely unfair."

He chuckled, "It's about time I beat you at something."

"It's still unfair," she teased.

"I think you look cute in your glasses," he told her as he dropped a hand to her knee and caressed it.

"I do not," she replied as she ducked her head shyly.

He smiled and leaned closer to her, brushing a kiss across her temple, "You do to me."

Kate couldn't help but smile as she watched them for a moment. After all the time they'd been together they were still crazy about each other. As her mother turned her head and stole a kiss from him, she had the feeling that they had forgotten that she was in the room.

"You two want to be alone?" she asked lightly, "I'm starting to feel like a third wheel here."

Johanna blushed and Jim turned his head in Kate's direction, "If I said yes and gave you a few bucks to see a movie, would you go?" he asked with a grin.

She laughed, "There's nothing good playing tonight," she answered, "And besides, how could I go off and leave you two un-chaperoned? What would your mothers think?" she teased.

Johanna laughed, "I know what Elizabeth would think."

"Let's not talk about my mother," Jim commented with a laugh, "You'll just get all worked up."

Kate fell silent as they drifted into their own conversations, speaking of the past and the things that had been going on in those old photos. It felt good to be there with them, to feel that comforting sense of security that came from family, but she was still troubled despite her talk with her mother. All she could think about was Castle and the fact that her phone hadn't rang and she hadn't even received a text. She had been then the one that said they needed the day apart but a part of her hadn't expected no communication at all from him. He usually always called or texted even when they were mad at each other, it didn't matter that she ignored them, he did it anyway but today there was nothing and that silence was nagging at her. It reminded her too much of how he had avoided her during that period of time she had spoken about to her mother. She could of course send him a text or call, but she wouldn't. It didn't feel right, not at that moment anyway so she continued to brood silently and check her phone on occasion as her mind swam with worries.

Jim and Johanna were watching her as they looked through the pictures, each of them picking up on her distraction and the numerous times she slid her phone from her pocket and glanced at it only to put it back a moment later. She commented on the conversations every now and then and they tried to keep her occupied but they knew she wasn't fully with them and they traded looks that carried silent messages about the state of their daughter's mind that evening.

When Kate drifted off to the kitchen, Johanna turned to her husband and whispered in his ear.

"Go hug your daughter," she told him, "I'd do it but she's not ready for that yet, so it's up to you."

"You could try," he replied, "This was always your area."

She shook her head slightly, "She's being a little more open with me about the situation between them but I can't push my luck. Now go do it."

He patted her knee and got up from the couch and went to the kitchen and found Kate leaning against the counter, her phone in her hand once again, and that look of worry and disappointment on her features.

"It'll be alright, Katie," he said quietly as he moved to stand in front of her.

"What?" she asked him.

"Whatever it is that's going on between you and Rick; it'll work out, it always does."

"What makes you so sure?"

He smiled, "Because I remember a few occasions when I put that same look you're wearing on your mothers face."

"What's your point?"

"The point is, you're here so obviously we worked things out," Jim told her.

Kate shook her head, "You two were different."

"No, I don't really think we were," he replied, "The circumstances may be different but the situation is pretty much the same. We played the same games you two do and it worked out eventually, and I think the same will be true for you."

She smiled skeptically, "I'm not as sure about that as you are."

He laughed softly, "I'm sure you're mother could probably convince you of it easier than I can…maybe you should talk about this with her."

"She already told me how she finally caught you."

He laughed, "Did she?"

"Yeah," she answered as she shifted on her feet, "We talked about me and Rick a little."

"Maybe you should talk about it with her a little more," he told her, "She'll be here for you if you let her."

"I know."

He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly and Kate accepted the gesture willingly.

"Everything will be fine," he assured once more, "You'll see."

She smiled as he released her and then a thought came to mind as she followed him back to the living room, taking a place by her mother as he took the chair.

"Any pictures of your infamous black dress in there?" Kate asked her.

Johanna smiled, "I don't know, we'll have to look."

As they flipped through the album, Kate grabbed a page and stopped, doing a double take of a photo of her mother.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"I thought it was me," she admitted and then as she studied it some more she said, "God, I look like you."

"Don't say it like that," Johanna said as she nudged her.

She smiled, "I didn't mean it in a bad way," Kate replied, "I just mean that of course I look at you and I see the resemblance between us, but on this picture," she said as she tapped her finger against it, "I see it more than I ever have."

"That's because on that picture she's closer to the age you are now, Katie," Jim told her.

She nodded in agreement and studied it for a moment longer, smiling as she did so. She liked the picture, liked seeing that resemblance and how happy her mother had looked in it. Finally she removed her hand and allowed Johanna to turn the page.

Two pages before the end of the album, Johanna found what they had been looking for.

"Here it is!" she exclaimed as she peeled back the protective covering and pulled it from the page and handed it to Kate.

She smiled as she looked at the picture of Johanna and her friend Sharon; she hadn't been lying, she had been dressed to impress and the look on her face was one of determination, along with a mixture of pride and amusement.

"You look so proud of yourself," Kate told her.

"I was," she admitted, a grin on her lips as she looked at her husband, "That was the night when I took matters into my own hands."

She laughed, "Here, Dad," she said as she handed the picture to him, "This one is definitely premeditated temptation."

He smiled as he took the picture from her hand, "I know, believe me I know," he said.

As Johanna and Kate continued to look at the photos, Jim continued to study of the image of Johanna as she had looked the night he had told her he loved her. He smiled, she had taken matters into her own hands all right; she'd worn that dress and made him jealous but at the end of the night after their fight and confessions, he had taken matters into his own hands and had taken that dress off of her and finished what had gotten interrupted in Atlantic City. He glanced at her and caught the smug grin on her lips as her eyes locked with his and he wanted nothing more than to kiss it away. He felt the stirrings of desire for her, the longing to take her home and drag her upstairs to their bedroom and relive those nights, but he couldn't and the notions that he'd been entertaining about staying with her that night, about keeping that warm happy feeling of being with his family alive for a few more hours seemed suddenly impossible. He couldn't stay with her tonight, not there at least.

After awhile Kate got up from her place and announced her intentions to take a shower and Jim said his goodbyes to her and then she left the two of them alone. He rose from the chair and looked at Johanna, saw that lingering look of sadness that always overtook her features when he left her and he hated it.

"Do you have to go already?" she asked quietly as she followed him to the door. It didn't matter that he'd been there with her all day; she didn't want him to go.

He nodded, and then not being able to resist the urge, he reached for her and pulled her close and kissed her the way he'd been wanting to half the night.

The kiss ended and she pulled back to look at him for a moment. It was the first time he'd kissed her like _that_ since she'd been home but she still remembered what it had meant and it drew her back for another and another after that as she revealed in the feel of him holding her so tightly against him. She pulled back and looked into his eyes and saw the desire lying there in them. These types of kisses and touches and that look had in the past always preceded a long night spent tangled in the sheets with him and she wanted nothing more than to walk out the door with him and have one of those nights.

She kissed him again, pouring all of herself into it, wishing things were different, that this moment wouldn't have to end but it would and she couldn't bear the thought of him walking away from her tonight after he'd stirred up her feelings. They couldn't have the night they wanted but she could ask him to stay…she could make herself content with just lying next to him and as she pulled back once more, the words begging him not to go on the tip of her tongue, he brushed one last kiss against her lips and gently pushed her away and said goodnight.

She whispered goodnight and locked the door behind him once he was gone and then she leaned against it and closed her eyes, willing her heartbeat to slow. No one knew how badly it hurt her to watch him leave her every night and tonight it hurt twice as much. Johanna pushed away from the door and made her way into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Castle sat in his office, his laptop open, but the word document open on the screen was blank and seemed to be mocking him as he stared at the blinking cursor while he nursed the glass of scotch he held in one hand.

Martha appeared in the doorway, took in the expression upon his face and then walked into the room and took a seat across from the desk.

"There's only one person who can put that look on your face," she commented, her voice breaking through his thoughts.

"What?"

She smiled indulgently, "What's wrong Richard?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?" he asked.

"Well let's look at the facts," Martha replied, "You went out of here this morning in a good mood only to return an hour and a half later in this depressing funk that you've been in all day. You didn't go to the precinct…"

"I needed to write," he stated.

"And by writing you mean staring blankly at the computer screen as if the words will appear there on their own without you ever touching the keyboard?" she asked.

Castle eyed her in slight irritation, "It's a process, Mother, it can't be rushed."

"Uh huh," she said dismissively before she continued on, "I haven't heard your phone ring all day, I haven't seen you texting all day, and then of course there is that look on your face."

"What look?"

"That 'I had a falling out with Kate Beckett' look."

He dropped his gaze from her face and sloshed around the liquid in his glass.

"Come on kiddo, out with it, what happened between you and Kate this morning?"

He began telling her about what had happened at Kate's, how her kitchen had been turned into a mini precinct and how proudly she and Johanna had looked of their work and then he told her of their argument. When he finished, Martha opened her mouth to speak but he suddenly became animated as his frustration over took the calmness that he had been speaking with and she fell silent once more, allowing him to get it out of his system.

"They're over there putting this thing together, piece by piece and making a profile of a suspect; and granted it isn't much of a profile, nothing more but a list of high powered occupations that could cast a very large net; but I can just see it in her, I can see the wheels turning in both their heads and the recklessness that will follow and I can't let her do it!"

"What do you want her to do, Richard?" Martha asked gently, "Kate Beckett isn't the type of woman to take something lying down. The threats so far haven't been overly serious; notes and photographs, those things are easily over looked even if they are being considered serious, but now someone has come into her home; and it isn't just her home, it's Johanna's home as well right now. They had safety there, they felt some measure of security because no one's ever walked through that door and now someone has. Someone has violated her sense of security and she has to do something. She's afraid that this break-in is their way of saying that they're stepping up the game, Richard."

"I know that, Mother," he replied tensely, "But they still don't need to go off on their own, thinking they can take matters in their own hands and find the answer. They can't…she can't, it's too dangerous for her to go out there and stir things up more than they already are."

"Has she said she's going after anyone?"

"No."

"Do you think she and Johanna are going to go get in the car and take off on some city wide interrogation of high ranking officials?"

"No, of course not. She'll go alone if she thinks she has something, and Johanna's not even trying to stop her! She's the one who came up with this theory of researching the time frame of Pulgotti's case. She's encouraging her; she's in on this with her! They're standing in that kitchen making a profile and theorizing and she's letting it go on!"

"What do you expect Johanna to do? How do you expect her to stop Kate from doing what she wants?"

"I expect her to stay out of it and not endanger her more than she already has," he said angrily.

Martha looked him in the eye, "Do you really think that Johanna wants Kate to be in danger?"

When he said nothing she continued on, "That's her child, Richard, that's her baby; just like Alexis is yours, just like you are mine. She doesn't want Kate involved in this, but she already is, she doesn't want her life put at risk, she doesn't want her to die for this. Johanna's whole purpose in coming home was to end this, to get the target off of Kate's back, to keep her safe, to save her. She'd do anything to save her child, like any mother would, like any father would. She can't stay out of it, she's in the middle of it, she's the only one who may have the key, she may be the only one who can find the answer and if helping to find that answer will keep Kate alive, then you're damn right she's going to do it. She's going to give Kate anything she needs to help her get ahead of these people; she's going to do everything in her power to end this."

"For herself," he remarked, "Because you know it's somewhere in her mind that if she plays Detective and helps her do this then it will fix their relationship."

Martha shook her head, "You're wrong, Richard, Johanna's main objective in ending this chaos is Kate. Of course she wants it to be over for her too but the person that matters the most, the one she wants to set free, that person is her daughter, regardless of their personal relationship, which is by all accounts improving on its own."

"How do you know?" he asked, "You barely know her, who knows how her mind works."

"Johanna and I have had conversations that you and Kate don't know about," Martha told him, "We've shared a few phone calls, we've talked about some things, mainly Kate, and I don't have to have known her for a long time to gauge what's in her heart or mind; she's a mother, her child comes first, before anything even before herself, or before Jim. Kate gets her courage and her strength from her mother, and I think you know that. I think you look at Johanna and you see why Kate is the way she is; that's why you like her, that's why you're angry that she isn't stopping her; but Johanna can't stop her, Richard, it's Kate's job to solve this case."

"And it's my job to protect her," he replied.

"Maybe it's time you tell her about Mr. Smith," she suggested.

"Tell her what, Mother?" he exclaimed in exasperation, "Tell her that I've been dealing with some mystery man that I've been keeping from her? I haven't even heard from him since months before Johanna even came home. I don't even have any way of contacting him, I have no idea of what may be going on, I don't know if there is still some kind of deal in place, I don't even know what his real name is. I have nothing to give her, telling her will only make her angrier and she'll push me away and then what? Who protects her then? Who protects either one of them, because now Johanna's here and I feel like I have a responsibility towards her too. Who keeps them safe if I tell her this without having something to back it up and she kicks me to the curb?"

"Then that brings me back to my original question," Martha said, "What do you want Kate to do?"

"I want her to find the answers the right way," he said firmly, "Operating under a low profile, following the leads we have as they come in, gather the evidence and then go in with back up."

"She knows what she's doing," Martha stated, "And right now she isn't doing anything that's off the radar. They went over the case, the came up with a few theories, but so far she hasn't done anything on her own, Richard. She didn't even hide it from you, she shared it with you."

"They're going to bite off more than they can chew and it's going to get them killed."

Martha studied him for a moment, "This isn't about Kate and her stubbornness or the possibility of being reckless," she stated, "This isn't about Johanna helping her look into the possibilities, and not stopping her from finding the answer a different way; this is about you Richard."

"Me?" he said in surprise, "Mother, how is this about me?"

"You tell me," she replied, "Because what's bothering you doesn't have anything to do with what Kate and Johanna have done during a sleepless night, because really it's not out of character for Kate to do something like this, and most likely it isn't out of character for Johanna. So you tell me, Richard, what's really bugging you? What is it that you're afraid of that you're not acknowledging and shoving behind anger at two women who don't deserve it?"

He was silent as his mother stared him down. Finally he looked away and took a sip of his drink and then another before finally bringing his gaze back to his mother's face.

"Things were getting better," he began slowly, "Despite all the worry and the alertness for danger, things were getting better for her…for us. She's coming out of her shell, she's blossoming, being more open, giving more, being more and I know some of that is because her mother is sitting across the table from her every morning and that weight she's been carrying all these years is slipping away and it's making her open to having more…she told me that the walls were coming down, that she'll get there if I just don't give up on her….like she's making me a promise that we're going to be more than what we are now. There's that feeling of hope….and I don't want to lose her. I looked at those boards and the work they did and all I could think about was her lying on the ground with a bullet in her chest, watching the life drain out of her…and I'm afraid. I can't do that again, I can't lose her."

Martha allowed that statement to settle for a moment and then she looked him in the eye, "You're not the only one who's afraid, Richard, we all are, don't you think Kate's afraid too? Do you think she wants to put you through that again? Do you think she wants to die? She doesn't want you to lose her either, that's why she's making subtle promises…because she has something to live for but she can't get there until she takes care of unfinished business."

"But it could kill her."

"Life has no guarantees," his mother told him, "Something could just as easily happen to you."

"It's not the same."

"It is," she insisted, "You know, you're not the only one who watched Kate take that bullet. Jim was there, he watched it happen. Do you think he's not afraid? The two people he loves the most are in the thick of this. He got his wife back but he faces the risk of losing her again, he faces the risk of losing his daughter. I imagine he lives in a state of constant fear."

"I know he does, any man would," he agreed.

"I watched her take that bullet," Martha said, "I'm afraid for her too, I consider Kate a part of my family. I love her, I don't want to lose her. I'm afraid for you, you're involved in this, I love you, I don't want to lose you. Johanna has become a friend; I don't want anything to happen to her. Alexis witnessed that shooting, she's afraid, she doesn't want to lose Kate, she doesn't want to lose you. Ryan, Esposito, and Lanie, they all saw it happen, somewhere inside, they're afraid too, that's their friend, their partner, they love her too. Johanna heard about it on the news, she couldn't even be with her but she was affected by it, she doesn't want to lose her child, she doesn't want anyone else to be hurt, she's terrified too. We're all afraid, we all have something at stake here, something that could be taken from us, but panicking and pushing each other way isn't going to help."

"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked her.

"The same thing you do everyday, tomorrow you get up and you go buy her a cup of coffee and you go to the precinct and you sit by her desk like always."

"And what? Pretend like I think it's a good idea for them to dig into things on their own?"

"No, I didn't say that; but if you want to protect her then you may want to start thinking about your reactions in regards to how she handles this case and whats she does with the information."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that if you keep reacting the way you did this morning, then she will push you away and she'll stop sharing what she's gathered or has thought of and then where will you be? You can't protect her if you don't know what she's doing."

"You make it sound so easy," he commented.

"What else can you do?" she asked, "I'm not saying you have to agree with her or that you shouldn't try and talk her down if she does decide to be reckless, but you have to think about how you react if you want to stay on the inside."

"That makes sense in theory, Mother, but it's probably hard to maintain."

"But you have to try," she told him, "You know it's true."

He took another drink and then nodded, "Thanks for your input, Mother."

"I'm not finished," she said.

"What else is there?"

She eyed him seriously, "Don't lose the progress you've made with her. We don't know how this will turn out but don't waste the time you have right now. Make the most of it in any way you can. Find whatever happiness you're able to with her even in the midst of all of this."

Castle swallowed hard, "I just wish I could make this all go away for her…for us."

She nodded, "I know you do."

"I don't know what to do," he admitted.

"I already told you what to do," Martha told him, "You get up in the morning and buy her a cup of coffee like you always do and you go back to work, and when the opportunity presents itself, you take her aside and you explain that your reactions were driven by fear and worry but that you're still on her side and that you're not going anywhere."

"Do you think that will work?" he asked, "Knowing Kate, she's still going to be angry tomorrow."

"There's only one way to find out, kiddo," she said as she rose from her seat, "And maybe you should give her a little credit, because as you've said she's grown a bit and she has Johanna's influence and chances are she's making Kate keep a calm head about things. Maybe she'll surprise you. Think about it."

She moved to the doorway to leave but she paused and turned back towards him, "It's alright to be afraid, Richard; but you can't allow that fear to control you. You have to be calm and level headed like you usually are when you handle her. It'll be best for both of you."

With that said she turned and left the room, leaving him with his thoughts and the decision he had to make about seeking out Kate in the morning or waiting until he was sure he had his own emotions under control.

* * *

Kate had taken her troubled mind and had drifted off to her bed leaving Johanna alone in the living room with her own thoughts and that old photo album that documented the years before she and Jim had been an official couple. She found herself flipping through the pages, making her way back to the photos from Atlantic City and she smiled. A slow work week and summer like temperatures in April had a group of them from the law firm taking off for a long weekend of fun; and it had been fun, going to the casinos, the beach, sightseeing and a party of sorts around the pool at the hotel that night when things had gotten heated between her and Jim.

She remembered how she had drifted away from the gathering, moving into the shadows at the edge of the hotel, looking out at the view of the ocean and how the moonlight sparkled upon the water. Jim had followed her, came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. They had made small talk, and teasing flirtatious comments and when she had turned to face him he had kissed her, and that spark between them ignited, that magnetic pull that they had been fighting took over and as they had stood in the shadows, wrapped in each others arms, they had made the unspoken agreement to take it back to his hotel room.

Johanna's gaze was still locked upon that photo of them from that night but her mind was filled with the memory of those moments they had spent locked away in his room. She remembered how the air had crackled with tension, how it felt like time was standing still as they got lost in their own private little world. She still remembered the feel of his hands slipping beneath that blue cotton shirt she had been wearing, how they had glided upwards, dragging the material with them and pulling it up over her head and dropping it to the floor, where it was soon joined by his white button down shirt.

Her eyes closed as the memory took hold, making her vividly recall the taste of his kiss, the feel of his lips against her skin, his hands in her hair and on her body, the feel of his weight against her as he laid her down, his skin beneath her fingertips. She remembered how his knuckles had grazed against her stomach as he unbuttoned those white shorts she had on, remembered how her heart had been pounding, her stomach fluttering with anticipation and how thoughts of stopping never even entered her mind. She was through fighting it, tired of over thinking every thing, she loved him, she wanted to be with him and if that night was all she could have, well then she was going to have it and let the morning take care of itself. She remembered that his fingers had been on the clasp of her bra when the phone had rang, startling them and breaking the spell they had been under.

As if on cue, her own phone rang, breaking her thoughts. She reached for it and smiled as she saw Jim's name on the screen.

"Are you thinking about Atlantic City?" he asked after she said hello.

She gave a soft laugh, "Are you reading my mind?"

He chuckled, "No, I just figured that if I was thinking about it than you probably were too."

Johanna smiled, her gaze drifting back to the photo album on her lap, "I'm still trying to figure out how you lured me back to your hotel room."

Jim laughed, "I didn't lure you; you came willingly."

"What are you implying?" she asked teasingly.

"I think you know."

"Do I?"

"I don't hear you issuing any denials of anything," he replied.

"You haven't made any specific accusations…yet."

"Fine," he said with a laugh, "Deny that you wanted it."

She felt her cheeks growing warm, "It would be hard to deny it," she answered, "I went along with it."

"I remember," he remarked, his tone changing slightly, and it made her think of the way he had kissed her goodbye that evening.

"So do I," she said quietly.

"I should've left Jeff in jail," he stated.

Johanna laughed, "You shouldn't have answered the phone."

"I had to," he remarked.

"Why?"

"Because it was distracting you," Jim said, "And that was the last thing I wanted or needed."

"You still didn't have to answer it, you could've just unplugged it," she told him.

There was silence on the line for a moment, "Why didn't you think of that back then!"

"Me!" she exclaimed, "Why didn't you?"

"How was I supposed to think straight when you were in my bed half dressed," he replied, "Hell there were times I couldn't think straight when you were fully dressed and nowhere near my bed."

She laughed softly, "Sorry."

"No you're not," he said with a laugh, "You know you enjoyed tormenting me, just like that night, I told you to wait for me to come back."

"I did, I was still there when you came back."

"Asleep!"

"I was tired," she replied, "It's not my fault it took you so long to bail him out."

He laughed, "Oh well, at least I still got to sleep beside you."

She smiled, she remembered waking up briefly as he had settled into bed next to her, pulling her close to him and brushing a kiss across her cheek. She had still been in his arms when she had woke the next morning, but that remembrance turned her serious and she broached something about that night that she never had before.

"We never talked about it," Johanna said, "We got up the next morning and went on like nothing had happened; like we hadn't come that close to crossing the line."

"I know," he answered, "That seemed to be how it was between us; we talked about everything but what we needed to talk about. We got into that pattern of blurring the lines or skating back and forth across them and never saying a word about it and it made it easy to have more while staying the same."

"It didn't always feel easy to me," she replied.

"It wasn't always easy for me either," he told her and then he paused for a moment, "I've spent all these years looking back, wishing I hadn't wasted so much time back then."

She felt the sting of tears welling in her eyes, "It wasn't wasted," she whispered, "We may have taken the long way about things but those years were still special. They made us who we are, they made us stronger, they gave us a good foundation to build upon. We made mistakes and we fought it for awhile and at times it seemed like we were making it complicated, but it's us, it's our story and I wouldn't change it for anything, because I don't think we'd be the same without it."

"But there could've been more to those years," he responded, emotion evident in his own voice, "We could've had more."

"I always want more when it comes to you, Jim," Johanna said softly, "It doesn't matter how many days or years we have together, it'll never be enough because I always want more, because I love you, but I don't look back at those days and think that we wasted them, in a lot of ways we were together but we were young then, we were still finding our way and maybe we weren't ready to dive in sooner than we did."

"We thought we had all the time in the world," he said.

"I know."

"And then we didn't."

A tremor of pain shot through her heart at that statement and she didn't know what to say as her throat tightened.

"Like that night in Atlantic City," he told her, "I thought we had all night and I wanted to take my time, I didn't want to rush. I wanted to treat you the way you deserved, make you feel beautiful and special and loved."

"You did," she whispered.

"And then the moment was gone," he said.

"But we got there eventually," she replied, "And that moment was even better."

"Because I told you I loved you."

"Yes."

"I loved you that night in the hotel."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"Probably for the same reasons you didn't tell me," he answered.

She gave a soft laugh, "You were afraid of rejection too?"

"Sometimes," he told her, "Sometimes I was just afraid to feel so much for you. I knew it was going to be different with you and I'd look at you and see someone who deserved to have everything and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give it to you. I was afraid it wouldn't work out, that we'd lose what we already had. I didn't know if I was ready and sometimes it was just easier to live in denial about how I felt about you."

"I felt that way too," she admitted, "I worried about those same things, but after that night…I didn't want to stay in the same spot anymore. I just wanted to be with you, no matter what it took."

"And you took a drastic measure there at the end," he said with a laugh.

She laughed, "But it worked."

"It worked," he agreed, "It worked really well."

She smiled and was quiet for a moment, longing for him building up within her, "I wish you would've stayed tonight."

She heard him draw in a breath before he spoke. "I couldn't," he told her.

"Why?"

"Because I still want you as badly as I wanted you that night in Atlantic City, I still want you as badly as I wanted you that night you walked into that party in that little black dress and drove me crazy. I couldn't lay next to you tonight and not make love to you, Johanna, and I know you're not going to let that happen while you're living there."

She swallowed hard, "It's not the right place," she stated.

"I know," he agreed, "But that's why I couldn't stay with you tonight. I always want to stay but I couldn't be there and not touch you."

"I understand," she said as the tears finally broke free.

"Don't cry," he pleaded.

"I just…" she began to say but trailed off, unable to find the right words to describe how she felt.

"I hate it too," he said, selecting the word for her, "I want us to be able to move on, I want to be able to take you places, to do the things we used to do, rebuild what we had, make new memories, start making up for lost time."

"I want that too."

"I know you do."

"I want to come home."

"I want you here too," he told her, "I want us to start doing all things we had planned on. I want to take you on all those trips you always talked about…I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go, Johanna as long as we're together."

"Let's go now," she stated.

"I wish we could."

"Soon?" she asked, needing him to give her hope.

He seemed to understand what she need, "Soon, sweetheart. Soon you'll be home where you belong."

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too."

They said their goodbyes and she laid the phone down beside her, along with the photo album and then she gave in to the emotions that were crashing down upon her. Hate wasn't a strong enough word to cover how she felt about this situation but it was the only one she could think of. She wanted to be with her husband, and it was about so much more than just the desire to make love to him. She wanted her marriage back; all of it, she wanted those moments when they laid next to each other and talked half the night, she wanted to wake up next to him and hear him tell her to stay in bed a little longer. She wanted those nights out, those lazy Sunday afternoons, she wanted the security, she wanted to be home. She just wanted him and not being able to have those things, of having to watch him walk away from her every night tore her apart in ways no one could imagine or seemed to notice; and so she cried.

* * *

After a few hours of tossing and turning, Kate threw back the covers and got out of bed. She couldn't sleep, not with her mind still troubled with thoughts of Castle and his reaction to her theories on the case. She sighed, maybe it wasn't so much his reaction that bothered her; maybe it was something else, she just wasn't exactly sure she could put a name to what it really was.

She drifted into the hallway, her gaze darting towards her mother's open door. The room was dark and empty. She looked further up the hallway and could see the light coming from the living room and hear the soft sounds of the television as it played. Her feet carried her forward, a part of her wondering if perhaps she had gotten out of bed for the sole reason of seeking out her mother to give her some type of comfort. As she stepped into the room her eyes landed on her, still on the sofa, her attention riveted to that old album that she had been clinging to all night, and then she realized that Johanna was crying.

"Hey," she said softly as she padded into the room, "What's wrong?"

Johanna's head snapped up and her gaze focused on her daughter as she hurriedly swiped away her tears, "Nothing," she answered.

Kate took a seat on the sofa, pulling her legs up and turning towards her mother, "Then why are you crying?"

She shrugged and closed the album, "Just feeling sentimental, I guess. What are you doing up?"

Kate didn't buy her answer but she'd let it slide for the time being. "I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?"

She looked at her, "Why do you think?"

"You're still worried."

Kate nodded, "Yeah."

Johanna shook off her own emotions for the moment and looked Kate in the eye, "Why don't you tell me what's really bugging you about this disagreement with Rick," she said, "We've talked about how you're not angry, how things are different, and how you feel like you're in a better place in your relationship. Now tell me what's really eating at you."

She shrugged, "I don't know."

"Yes you do," Johanna said.

"No, I don't," Kate argued.

"Yes you do, Kate," her mother said firmly, "You're just not allowing yourself to acknowledge it. Now sit there and think about it and I mean _really_ think about it and admit it and then tell me and maybe I can help you feel better about it."

Kate grew quiet as she dropped her gaze from her mother's face. She thought about it, allowed it all to roll through her mind and it became clear to her and when she accepted the realization she looked back at her mother who had been watching her.

"I'm afraid of going back to that rough spot," she admitted, "I don't want to go back there," she said and her voice cracked a bit, "It just came out of nowhere and it was like the world had been turned upside down. It was like it was really going to be over and I didn't know what to do to fix it. The way it was during those weeks…it was so strange and it…" she trailed off not sure of how to exactly to sum it up.

"It scared you," Johanna stated.

She hesitated and then nodded, "And now I'm afraid it's going to happen again."

"Is this the first argument you've had since this rough spot?" her mother asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," she replied, as she didn't count the bickering they had done over his decision to join the stakeout of her apartment with Ryan and Esposito weeks before.

"Then that's why this seems so bad to you, Kate," she told her, "You had a scare and now you're afraid that if you hit a little patch of turbulence that it's going to send everything into a nosedive, but I really don't think you need to be so worried."

"What if you're wrong?" she asked.

"What if _you're_ wrong?" Johanna replied.

"Then I'll feel foolish for being worried about it," Kate answered.

Johanna laughed softly, "Maybe you should just call him."

The emotion that had been in her eyes cleared and she looked at her mother as if she were crazy, "No," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because…I didn't start it, I don't feel I should have to be the one to make the call."

"But it might make you feel better," Johanna said, although she knew that Kate wasn't going to pick up the phone.

"Let me ask you something," Kate said, "Did you call dad when you two had an argument that he started back in your 'just friends' stage?"

Johanna laughed, "Hell no. If he started it then I expected him to finish it. He had to come to me."

Kate smiled, "Must be hereditary."

"No," she answered, "It's just our nature, but you could make an exception."

She shook her head, "No, I'll wait."

"How long?"

"I don't know, how long do you recommend?"

Johanna looked at her, "Not too long. See what happens tomorrow."

"Yeah, well just how am I supposed to act out you're 'let him know the door is still open advice'?" she asked.

"That's easy," Johanna said, "If you're not angry then you don't act angry. You do what you always do, smile, make conversation, make eye contact, touch his hand, be yourself."

"You really think that's going to work?"

"I think it's a start," she replied, "It'll break the ice and then the two of you can talk about it and work it out."

"What if it can't be worked out?" Kate questioned.

"Anything can be worked out if you love someone enough, Katie."

"But there's always that possibility of loving someone enough and it still falls apart and you get hurt," Kate remarked.

"You can't avoid getting hurt," her mother told her, "It's just how things are. Even when it lasts, it can hurt at times. I've hurt for over a decade, I hurt right now, it's a part of life, it's a part of love."

"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it," Kate said, "Is it worth it if you're going to feel so much pain in relation to it?"

"It is," Johanna told her as she caught and held her gaze.

"How?" she asked, "Love is supposed to make you feel good; it shouldn't have to hurt."

"Katie, if it doesn't hurt sometimes then you're not doing it right," Johanna stated.

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's the truth," her mother declared, "And I think you know that."

Kate shook her head, "I honestly don't think I know much of anything in this area."

"I think you do, you just don't always listen to it, just like you know that loving someone means hurting sometimes."

"But why does it have to be that way? Why does there have to be hurt?"

"Because when you love someone you form a bond with that person, an attachment. Your life becomes entangled in theirs, there's emotion involved and when something happens that causes you to feel hurt in regards to that relationship that is the proof of the depth of your feelings. If you didn't hurt because of an argument, if you didn't miss that person when they aren't there, what would that tell you?"

She thought about it for a moment, "That there was nothing there to begin with."

"Exactly," Johanna said, "See, you know."

"But I don't want it to hurt."

Her mother smiled, "Honey, no one wants to hurt, but it happens and you can't let that keep you from having what you want. You just have to get up and keep going back. It's like ice cream, it's good and you love it and when you eat it too fast you get that sharp pain in your head, but you don't stop eating ice cream just because it gets uncomfortable once in awhile."

Kate thought about that for a moment and then looked at her mother and laughed, "So love is like an ice cream headache?"

Johanna laughed and nodded, "Pretty much. You enjoy the ice cream, you get the headache, it goes away and then you enjoy it again; it's the same with love. You enjoy it, it hurts, and then you enjoy it again."

Kate continued to laugh for a moment, "Are you giving me advice or do you just have a craving for ice cream?"

Johanna looked at her and grinned, "Both."

"Just to be clear, what is it exactly that you're trying to tell me with this analogy of yours?"

"I guess I'm trying to tell you to not be afraid of those moments when it hurts because, like the ice cream headache, eventually it goes away and things work out and in the end it's worth the struggle."

"But what if it can't be fixed and you lose everything, then what?" Kate asked.

Johanna sighed, "You're stuck on that aren't you?"

She nodded, "It seems that way."

"If it can't be fixed and you lose everything, then it wasn't meant to be," she told her, "But I really don't think that's the case here."

"You don't?"

"No."

"Why?"

She smiled and flipped the pages of the album back to the photo that had captured Kate's attention earlier that night and she took it from the page and handed it to her.

"Because I've been where you are now; that girl in that picture who looks so much like you, she felt the same way you do. She had her share of sleepless nights, worries and tears. She was afraid too, but she made it, she got to the other side and when she did, she found everything she had always wanted, and it was so very worth it."

Kate smiled and looked down at the picture she held, tears gathering in her eyes until she blinked them back and then looked to her mother. "So it'll be okay?" she asked her, just as she had always done as a kid.

Johanna nodded and laid a hand on her knee, "When the time is right, you'll get there. There may be a few bumps along the way, a few more sleepless nights, and the closer you get the more afraid you'll be, but it'll be okay".

"Promise?" she asked softly.

"I promise."

Kate smiled and nodded and then held out the picture for her to take back, but Johanna gently pushed her hand away.

"You keep that, I know you like it and it can be your reminder of how you're not the only one to walk this road."

Kate looked at the image once more and now it was more than just the resemblance she saw looking back at her. It was a whole way of life. Her mother had been in her place, her parents had taken a similar journey to the one she found herself on with Castle. They had been friends and colleagues. They had fallen in love and fought it, they danced around each other, they hurt each other, they came back to each other and in the end it all worked out; even now after a 13 year separation that love was still there, they were picking up the pieces, fighting for each other and rebuilding. It was in some ways a case of history repeating itself, only now that glimmer of hope Kate felt was a little stronger. She had the proof that things could work, she only had to look at the love story of her parents to see that.

"You sure I can keep this?" she asked.

"Yes," Johanna told her, "I want you to have it."

She laid it aside and then watched as her mother flipped the pages once again, coming back to the same photo she'd been drifting back to all evening, one from Atlantic City, the two of them looking so very smitten with each other as they sat at a poolside table.

"You ready to tell me what you were really crying about?" Kate asked her.

Johanna's fingers moved across the photo and her expression changed, and Kate knew that the tears weren't far behind. She offered her her hand and she took it, hanging on it as it were an anchor.

"I'm pretty sure it isn't just about being sentimental," Kate said gently.

"No, not all of it."

"What's the rest of it?"

"Being in love."

"Meaning?" Kate asked.

She remained quiet, unsure of what exactly to say.

"You listened to me; I'm willing to return the favor."

She gave her a hint of a smile as she turned her tearful gaze towards her, "I miss my husband."

"He'll be back in the morning."

"I know," she said, "But I…I want to go home to him."

Kate nodded in understanding, "I know."

"I just miss him so much," she cried, "I just miss what we had, Home isn't just the house we lived in; home is just being with him."

"It's better than it was," Kate said quietly, "You get to see him now."

"I know," she answered, "I have no right to complain…I'm not even supposed to be here; the cards that were dealt for me were death or living a lie and yet I've made it back, so I shouldn't complain, not when it's my…"

"Don't," Kate told her as she squeezed her hand, "I know you like to blame yourself for everything but don't tonight, okay? You have a right to complain if you want to, no one expects you to be happy with how things are right now. You don't have to hold it in; if you need permission to let it out, then here it is, let it out. I'm not going to be mad or hold it against you."

Johanna swiped at her eyes but the tears kept coming, "I just never expected it to be so hard," she whispered, "Maybe I was naïve, maybe I do lack common sense or I just convinced myself that I could somehow make everything be alright and magically have my life back."

"But reality kicked in and showed you it wasn't going to be easy."

She nodded, "I don't know what's harder; being kept away from him for so long or being near him and yet still separated in some ways. It's supposed to be easier now, because I can see him, talk to him, touch him, and yet it's just getting harder, like tonight when I all want is to be with him. I feel like this girl," she said as she tapped the image of herself in that photograph she kept looking at, "She had _something_ with him but it wasn't enough, she wanted more. Three years, Katie," she whispered, "Three years we did this dance of one step forward and two steps back and that's how it feels now, like we're stuck in this dance and song just won't end so you can move on to the next. It was easier back then."

"How so?" Kate asked, as she sympathized with her mother's feelings.

"Because back then I didn't know what it was like to move on to the next part of the dance. I didn't know what laid on the other side, but now; now I know whats on the other side, I know what it's like to be his and I don't want to do this dance again. I just want to be his wife, I just want to go home," she said as a sob broke free, "All I've wanted for the past 13 years is to go home and climb into my bed and stay there. I want to wake up in my house with my husband and forget this whole nightmare ever happened."

Kate shifted to sit closer to her and with her free hand she rubbed Johanna's arm, "We'll get you home," she promised, "This isn't going to last forever, you'll get there."

"I know," she cried, "But sometimes….it's just too much. It hurts not to be together. It hurts to watch him leave every night."

"It's going to be okay," Kate told her, "It'll get better."

She looked at her daughter and smiled warily and asked her the same question that Kate had asked her, "You promise?"

Kate nodded, "I promise…and tomorrow I'll bring home some ice cream."

Johanna laughed, "Good, because I like to have ice cream when I'm crying over a man."

Kate chuckled, "Me too, and the way things are going around here, we better stock up. What flavor do you want?"

"Strawberry," she replied, "But maybe you better get a variety."

"I will," she told her and then she looked at her, "Anything else on your mind tonight?"

She shook her head, "No, tonight it's all about your father."

"I guess you were right," Kate stated.

"About what?"

"I remember back in high school when Bobby Kline dumped me two days before the dance and I asked you if dealing with guys ever got better and you said 'Hell no it only gets worse'."

Johanna laughed, "I told you so."

"There's your four favorite words," she teased.

"Well at least they've been proven."

"Yeah, but I'd rather they hadn't been," Kate remarked, "This sucks…for both of us."

Johanna nodded in agreement, "But at least we aren't alone, we have each other."

"Yeah, but you'd trade me in for Dad in a heartbeat," she replied with a grin.

Her mother smiled, "But I'd call you in the morning."

Kate laughed, "Thanks."

She chuckled lightly, "I know you'd trade me in for Rick, so I guess we're even."

Kate didn't confirm that statement but she didn't bother to deny it either and they laughed together for a minute before growing quiet.

They sat there side by side in the quiet, both of them nursing their bruised hearts and thinking about the men who had laid claim to them, and then Johanna closed the album and laid it aside and squeezed Kate's hand.

"It's just hard sometimes," Johanna said quietly, "To be content with what you have and to make yourself try and not want more because you know you can't have it."

"No one expects you to be content all the time, no one expects you to enjoy this or be happy just for the sole reason that you came back. It hasn't worked out the way you imagined but it's okay, you're working things out. Things are getting better…and you'll have more with time," Kate told her.

Johanna nodded, "I know, but it's the waiting that's the hard part," she said, and then before Kate could respond she looked at her and smiled a little, "We better try and get some sleep."

They went through their motions of settling down for the night, checking the locks, turning off the lights and the television and then padding down the hallway to their rooms. They paused at their doorways, offered each other a reassuring smile and said goodnight.

* * *

At breakfast the next morning, Johanna looked across the table at her daughter and took in the worry still etched on her face and the light shadows beneath her eyes that the makeup hadn't been able to fully disguise.

"Did you get any sleep?" she asked her.

"Some, but not a lot," she admitted, "How about you?"

She smiled, "Same as you."

Kate returned the smile, "I have a feeling that when this is over we're both going to sleep for days."

Johanna nodded, "I'm looking forward to it."

She laughed and then turned serious, "I've made a decision."

"About what?"

"About what we were going to do for the case," she replied, "That research we were going to start."

"What about it?"

"For now…we're going to hold off," Kate told her, "I'm going to wait and see what turns up about Shadow…but if I don't have something in a few weeks; then we're going to get to work."

"Alright," her mother agreed, "That sounds like a good plan."

Silence fell between them once more and Johanna studied her daughter casually as she picked at her breakfast. She knew it wasn't the case that was on Kate's mind, she knew it was still Rick who was overtaking her thoughts and she undertook the task of giving her a subtle pep talk in an attempt to soothe her nerves.

When the time came for Kate to leave, Johanna walked her to the door with her hand on her back. There had been a shift of sorts between them and they both felt it although they didn't speak of it but it was there all the same. The stirrings of their bond being re-enforced, of a small step of progress that had been made and for some reason that feeling of connecting with her mother gave her courage as she prepared herself to face the day. She'd go to work and she'd wait for Castle to bring her a cup of coffee and she'd take it from there….because surely he'd come back today….wouldn't he?

…_To be continued_

_Authors Note: I know, I said I'd fix it this chapter but Kate wanted to brood a bit and I figured she could benefit from some family time lol. It will definitely be fixed in the next chapter. I promise._


	22. Chapter 22

_Authors Note: As always I thank you for your reviews! I hope you enjoy this one._

Chapter 22 – Stay Part 2

'_Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving, Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving' – Rihanna_

Kate sat at her desk trying to concentrate on her paperwork but she was distracted. She kept listening for the sound of Castle's footsteps, waiting to smell the scent of his cologne and to see the white coffee cup appear on her desk, but so far there was nothing. She glanced at her watch, it was only 9:17, there was still plenty of time for him show up or to call but as she watched the second hand tick away another minute she felt disheartened.

"You okay?" Esposito asked as he and Ryan gathered around her desk.

Her gaze flicked to their faces and she forced a smile to her lips. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"You don't seem like you're okay," Ryan remarked.

"Everything alright at home?" Esposito asked.

She gave a short laugh, "Are you my school counselor, Espo?"

He smirked at her, "You know what I mean."

"Everything's fine at home," she answered.

"Where's Castle?" Ryan asked.

She looked away and shrugged, "I don't know."

The boys traded glances and then looked back at her, assessing the situation and her reaction to the question.

"You two fighting again?" Ryan asked.

"No," she answered as she turned her attention to the papers before her.

"Why don't we believe that?" Esposito asked.

"I don't know," Kate said, "Because you're bored and feel the need to turn someone's life into a soap opera for you to watch and you chose me?"

He shook his head, "No, that's not it. I'm picking up some 'Beckett's mad at Castle' vibes."

"I'm not mad at Castle."

"He wasn't here yesterday," Ryan commented.

Kate rolled her eyes, "It's not the first time that he hasn't been here."

"Yeah but usually when he's not here and you have that look on your face, it means the two of you are on the outs," Esposito explained.

"I'm not mad."

"Then where is he?" Ryan questioned, "He should've made a coffee delivery by now."

She turned towards them in irritation, "I don't know where he is," she said firmly, "He's probably writing, but if you're so concerned about his whereabouts why don't you call him and find out?"

Esposito and Ryan grinned at her, "We're not going to do your dirty work," Esposito said, "If _you _want to know where he is, why don't _you _call him?"

"Because there's no need," she remarked, "He'll be around when he has time."

They looked at her with skeptical expressions and she sighed.

"Have we found anything on Shadow yet?" she asked hoping to change the subject.

"No, nothing yet."

Kate had expected that answer but confirmation of it came with a small pang of disappointment. She felt the weight of Ryan and Esposito's stares and she glanced up at the two men who were studying her.

"What?" she asked.

Ryan shrugged, "We were just waiting to see if there was anything you wanted to talk about," he said casually.

She rolled her eyes, "Guys, I swear I'm not mad at him."

Ryan looked at his partner, "Maybe we misread the vibes, maybe Castle's mad at Beckett."

"Maybe you both need to see a doctor about your vibes," she retorted.

"Hmm, I think we struck a nerve," Esposito said, "What did you do, Beckett?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Nothing's wrong."

"Is this going to be like last time?" Ryan asked, "Because that was… uncomfortable."

She hoped to god this wasn't going to be like the last time. "Everything's fine," she said firmly, "I'm not mad at anyone, unless of course you two keep annoying me, then I'm going to be mad."

"Fine," Ryan stated, "Don't confide in your friends."

"Yeah," Esposito agreed.

"Okay," Kate said with a smile, "I won't, now go do your work."

They were lingering, hesitating for a moment to see if she might change her mind when her phone buzzed.

"Is that him?" they asked as she glanced at the screen.

"No," she stated as she opened the text message from her mother.

"Who is it?" Esposito inquired.

She glanced up at him, "If you must know, nosy, it's my mother."

"Everything alright?" they both asked.

She glanced at the message, "She's fine," she told them and then she turned her attention to her phone in a dismissive gesture and they got the hint to move back to their own desks.

"_Has he shown up yet," _her mother had written.

"_No,"_ she typed back.

"_If you want, I could call Martha and discreetly inquire about his whereabouts," _Johanna offered.

Kate smiled; at least someone was willing to do the dirty work.

"_No, that's okay," _she replied; although she had been tempted.

"_You sure?"_

"_Maybe some other time."_

"_It's still early," _her mother's reply read, _"He'll come."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_Mother's intuition."_

"_Are you feeling better?" _Kate asked, _"I'm sure Dad's there by now."_

"_How did you know?"_

"_Daughter's intuition."_

"_Smart ass."_

Kate grinned and typed back a reply, _"I've been told that I get that quality from my mother."_

A moment later a new message appeared, _"Your father lied when he told you that, you get it from him."_

"_I didn't say Dad said it."_

"_Well you didn't hear it from me," _Johanna responded.

"_You didn't answer my question," _Kate wrote, _"Are you feeling better?"_

"_Yes, I'm feeling better, but I still want the ice cream."_

She smiled, _"I won't forget the ice cream. I have to go, call if you need me. I'll check in with you later."_

"_Same to you, Kate,"_ she replied, _"Call if you need me."_

She sent one last text saying that she would and then she laid her phone aside and picked up her pen once more. She managed to fill out three pages before her senses perked up and she raised her head to see a tense looking Rick Castle walking towards her desk. She conjured up her mother's advice from the night before and as he approached her, she smiled.

"Hey, Castle," she said lightly.

"Hey," he replied as he held the cup of coffee out towards her.

"Thank you," she stated as she accepted it and took a sip.

He took his seat next to her desk and she smiled at him once more as his eyes met hers.

"Any cases?" he asked.

"No, not so far," she replied, "But there's plenty of paperwork, so if you want to do your share for a change, I can get you started."

Castle shook his head, "No thanks. I'll leave the drudgery up to you."

"How kind of you," she teased, hoping to break the tension that seemed to be filling the air as he shifted his gaze away from her.

She was quiet for a moment as she wracked her brain for a new line of conversation, because it was becoming apparent that despite the cup of coffee on her desk, he was still upset with her.

"How's the book coming along?" she asked.

"Good," he stated.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "How far behind are you?" she inquired, keeping her tone light.

"Actually, I'm not as far behind as I usually am," he replied.

Kate bit her lip, he was speaking to her, but it felt cold and restrained. It carried a feeling that she wasn't comfortable with. It wasn't like him to clam up after one sentence, especially when they spoke of his writing.

"Is Nikki still guarding Rook?" she asked.

Castle nodded, "Yes, but they've run into a snag with that."

"Oh?" she asked, "What kind of snag?"

"They're not speaking to each other," he answered.

Kate was silent, her stomach suddenly feeling queasy. She wasn't sure why, but for some reason the knowledge that her fictional counterpart was on the outs with her fictional writer upset her. It seemed like an omen, it felt like being stung by a bee. Was he trying to tell her something with that tidbit?

"How long do you think that's going to last?" she asked somewhat hesitantly.

Her partner shrugged, "You never know with them. Nikki can be quite stubborn."

She schooled herself not to react too much to that statement, which felt so much like a backhanded insult. "Yeah, well, Rook has his moments of stubbornness too," she commented.

"Yes, but some people, like Nikki, make it an art form."

She focused on her paperwork for a few minutes, allowing that comment to go without reply, as she didn't trust herself not to make it into an argument. She watched him from the corner of her eye as he pulled out his phone and began to play a game. A new line of conversation was called for but she was at a loss for the moment.

Eventually she broke the silence by inquiring about Martha and what was going on in the actress's world and when that avenue had been exhausted she commented on the days headlines in the paper. He answered her questions but he made no effort to delve into the light banter filled conversations they usually had and it made her feel as though she were stuck in quicksand.

* * *

By 11:30, Kate couldn't take any more awkward small talk or the uncomfortable silences that fell between them. She needed to escape, she needed to make a call and inform a certain someone that her advice was no good. With that thought in mind, Kate allowed her pen to drop from her fingers and then pushed her chair back from the desk. She picked up her phone and slipped it into her pocket as she rose from her seat.

"Where are you going?" Castle asked.

"Bathroom," she replied.

"You're taking your phone with you?" he questioned.

She looked at him oddly, "Castle, I rarely ever go off and leave my phone on my desk; you know that; besides I need to stretch my legs so I'll probably wonder off somewhere quiet and call my mom to check on her."

'My mom,' he thought to himself, she usually referred to Johanna as 'my mother'. It was most likely a slip of the tongue, one she probably didn't even realize but he felt wary of the more stable seeming bond between the Beckett women. Through out this whole process he had wanted nothing more than for Kate to come to a place where she could have some type of relationship with her mother; but now that they were thinking of digging into things that could get them into trouble, a part of him felt as though Kate and Johanna were better off being at odds with each other.

Kate was waiting for him to respond to her answer so he forced himself to smile and nod in regards to her comment. He expected her to go on about her business but she stood there a moment longer, studying him, as if she were hoping he'd add something to the conversation and he could tell that his inability to push past his feelings was affecting her and squashing her obvious attempts to move past their disagreement. Finally she turned and walked away, her heels clicking against the floor in what seemed to be a defeated rhythm.

When she was out of sight, Castle rose from his chair and made his way towards Ryan and Esposito's desks; where the two detectives had been watching his interactions with Kate with undisclosed interest.

"What's going on with you and Beckett?" Esposito asked as Castle perched on the edge of his desk.

"Nothing," he said with a shrug.

"We didn't believe that when she said it," Ryan informed him.

He sighed, "It's nothing, we're just out of sync today."

The boys traded a look as if their worse suspicions were coming true; that things were back sliding into that strange universe they had been forced to live in during those weeks when Castle and Beckett's partnership seemed doomed.

"We thought you two were past that," Esposito stated, "Things seemed to be back to normal lately."

"Yeah," Ryan said solemnly, "You two seemed to be hitting it off pretty well again."

"Guys, it's not like that," Castle answered, "We're just…having a bad day."

"Uh huh," Esposito replied, "What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"What did she do?" Ryan questioned.

"Nothing," he replied, "It's just a difference of opinion."

They eyed him skeptically and he knew they didn't believe him and he released a heavy breath and decided to broach the topic he had come to ask about.

"Any word on Shadow?"

They shook their heads and then Esposito looked around to make sure Beckett was nowhere within earshot and then he motioned for Castle to lean closer.

"The usual avenues have turned up nothing," he stated, "But Ryan and I were discussing other means of finding our middle man."

"What kinds of means?"

"I have some 'friends'," he said, "Friends who have eyes and ears in places we don't, they know people who know people; so we called in a few favors to these friends asking them to discreetly find out anything they can about Shadow but don't tell Beckett," he instructed, "We don't want to get her hopes up."

"I won't say a word," Castle affirmed, "But keep me in the loop."

"Don't we always?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, but don't just assume that I know something that you might tell Beckett," he said firmly, "Make it a point to make sure I know."

They both looked at him in confusion. "Castle, what the hell is going on?" Esposito asked, "Why wouldn't Beckett share info with you?"

"I'm not saying she won't," he replied, "I'm just asking you to make sure I know what she knows, okay?"

Esposito nodded, although he continued to look at Castle in an assessing nature, "Okay," he stated, "We'll make it a point to make sure you know everything that Beckett knows…but if something's going on that we need to know, that Beckett isn't telling us, then you need to extend that same courtesy."

He nodded, "You can count on that."

They all regarded each other for a moment before Ryan caught his eye and asked the obvious question, "So, is there something that we need to know about?"

"Not that I know of at the moment," he stated.

"You sure," Esposito asked.

"Yes, but if that changes, I'll let you know."

The boys nodded, "Alright, we got a deal."

He hated to feel as though he was going behind Kate's back, but if it was to keep her safe, then he'd have to do it, he couldn't risk being left out of the loop.

"Remember, make sure I know everything, even if she says she told me, just double check and make sure I know."

"Don't worry, Castle," Esposito said, "We'll hold up our end of the deal."

He believed them and it eased a small portion of his anxiety, but not nearly enough.

* * *

Kate walked into the bathroom and after making sure she was alone, she pulled her phone from her pocket and hit her mother's number.

When Johanna answered the phone she asked her usual question first, "Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine," she answered, "How about you? Did Rick show up yet?"

"Yeah, he's here," Kate replied.

"And?"

"And your advice sucks," she told her.

"What do you mean it sucks?" Johanna asked.

"It's not working!" she exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"How long has he been there?"

"About 2 hours."

"Give it time, Kate."

"You said this would break the ice," she told her mother, "You don't wait two hours for the ice to break."

"Did I say you were going to get instant results?" Johanna asked her.

Kate paced the floor, "I thought it was implied."

"It wasn't," she replied, "It takes a little time. What have you been doing?"

"What you told me to do!" she said in slight exasperation, "I'm not acting angry, I'm smiling, I'm making conversation, but he's…he's not cooperating."

Johanna forced herself not to laugh as her daughter made that statement. "Just be calm, Kate, keep trying."

"It's not working," she complained.

Her mother sighed, "Have you been to lunch yet?"

"No, why?"

"Then ask him to go to lunch with you, maybe it's the atmosphere of the precinct that's holding him back. Go somewhere the two of you like and maybe it'll be easier and you can shake off the awkwardness," Johanna suggested.

Kate was quiet for a moment, "I don't know…"

"Where are you hiding to have this conversation?" Johanna asked her.

"In the bathroom."

She laughed lightly, "Get out of the bathroom and go try again. Ask him to lunch and give it a little time. Try and relax."

Kate paced the length of the bathroom once more, "Okay," she said, "I'll ask to him to go to Remy's and I'll keep working on it."

"Positive attitude, Katie," her mother said, "Keep a positive attitude."

She scoffed, "Easier said then done."

"I know," Johanna replied, "But we do the best we can; now go on, give it another shot."

"Alright, Mother," she said, catching Johanna by surprise, "But if this doesn't work, you better be thinking up plan C."

"I'll work on it," she replied as she hid the effects of that warm feeling that had spread through her at the sound of the word 'mother'.

"You better," Kate told her, "Because I have been trying to think up a new tactic and I'm coming up empty."

"I'm sure lunch will do the trick," she said, "Now go."

"I'll check in later," she told her mother before ending the call.

Kate looked at herself in the mirror and tried to keep her spirits from sinking further. "I'm pathetic," she muttered at her image, "Just pathetic."

* * *

"What are you working on?" Jim asked as he entered the room with a cup of coffee that he sat on the stand before joining his wife on the sofa.

"Plan C," she answered.

"Plan C?"

"Rick's not cooperating," she stated, using Kate's phrase.

He laughed, "That seems to be how it goes between them."

"Yeah, well it just figures he'd be stubborn when she's using my advice," she remarked.

"It's only fair," he said, "I'm sure Katie's made him suffer due to her stubbornness."

She sighed, "I don't know if I can think of plan C," she said, "What all did I do to you when I was trying to catch you?"

Jim scoffed, "What _didn't_ you do to me?"

Johanna narrowed her eyes at him, "Act like you didn't enjoy it; I suffered more than you did during those years."

"That's a matter of opinion," he quipped as he grinned at her.

She shook her head, "And to think I missed you last night."

He slid towards her, putting an arm around her and drawing her close, "I missed you too," he whispered in her ear before he captured her lips in a kiss that was reminiscent of the ones they had shared the night before.

She sank into his embrace, allowing his kisses to wipe her mind free of thoughts for a few moments before she came back to her senses and reluctantly pulled away.

"Don't distract me," she said lightly, "I'm supposed to be thinking up a new plan."

"Be careful, Johanna," he told her, "That relationship is like walking into a minefield, you have to be careful where you step or it'll blow up."

"Thanks for that vote of confidence," she stated as she glanced away.

"Hey," he said, as he captured her chin and turned her face back towards him, "I know you want to help her and I'm glad she came to you and talked about it, but just tread lightly, that's all I'm saying."

She nodded, "I get it," she answered, "I guess it's just that…last night and today she's letting me be her mother and I want the things I say to her to work out right so she doesn't shut me out again."

"I know," Jim replied.

Johanna was quiet for a moment, "She called me 'mother' again," she said softly.

"When?"

"On the phone when she was demanding a new plan if lunch doesn't work out," she said.

He smiled and tugged her back into his arms, "See, I told you that she'd say it again."

Johanna smiled, "It felt good."

"She's coming around, Jo, just keep being patient."

She made herself comfortable in his embrace, "Rick better start cooperating," she said, "Because if he doesn't and she gets mad at me about the advice I gave and I end up back where I started with her…Well then I'm going to have to have a word with him myself."

Jim laughed, "As someone who's been on the other side of your 'words' all I can say is, I wouldn't want to be him if that happens."

Johanna laughed and then she sighed, "In the meantime I have to think up Plan C."

* * *

Kate gave herself a little pep talk and then headed back for the bull pen. She spotted Castle at Esposito's desk and he caught sight of her he followed her back to her own desk and took his seat.

She made herself smile as she looked at him and said, "I'm going to head out to lunch, you want to go to Remy's? My treat."

"I already have plans for lunch," he said, his tone somewhat apologetic.

"Oh," she said, she hadn't anticipated that, "Business?" she couldn't help but ask.

"No, actually I made plans to have lunch with Alexis."

There was a feeling of relief at the sound of Alexis's name and a little part of her hated herself for being so insecure in the first place.

"You can…come along if you want," he said, his tone still flat and lacking it's usual energy.

Kate shook her head, "No, that's okay; I wouldn't want to intrude on your time with Alexis. I know you want to soak up as much of that as you can before she goes to college."

Castle nodded and looked at his watch, "I should probably get going."

"You coming back?" she asked, her voice sounding desperate and hopeful even to her own ears.

"Yeah," he said, "I'll be back after lunch," and then he paused before asking, "You sure you don't want to come?"

She nodded, knowing that he didn't really want her to come with him, "Yeah, I think I'll just go grab something quick and then stop and check on my mother."

"I thought you just called her?"

"I did, but she asked if I'd bring home some ice cream for her after work. I'll just go ahead and go get it while it's on my mind and take it to her," she explained.

Castle smiled slightly, "I'll see you after lunch then."

"See you later," she said as he got up and walked away.

She sighed heavily, the way her stomach felt, lunch was the last thing she wanted. She run to the store and pick up the ice cream and then head home for a brief break….and a cupcake that she could hear calling her name.

Ryan and Esposito watched them set off on their separate lunch breaks and they looked at each other, knowing that they were each thinking the same thing.

"Something's definitely wrong between Mom and Dad again," Esposito stated.

Ryan nodded, "I was hoping we were over this for awhile."

"Me too."

"When they get like this, I find myself anticipating the moment when they sit us down and give us the 'we're getting divorced' speech," Ryan said.

Esposito chuckled lightly, "Yeah, and the question is, if that day comes, who gets custody of us?"

* * *

Kate jammed her keys into the locks and swung open the door, catching her parents off guard as they sat nestled next to each other on her sofa watching some rerun of an old sitcom. She shut the door and carried her bag toward the kitchen.

"Why aren't you at lunch with Rick?" Johanna asked as she got up from the sofa and followed her.

Kate eyed her as she emptied the bag that contained the cartons of ice cream she had bought. "He had other plans for lunch."

Jim had slipped into the kitchen behind them, taking a seat and staying quiet so he could watch the scene that was about to unfold, as he had saw the look of suspicion flash in Johanna's eyes at Kate's statement.

"What kind of plans?" she asked, her tone matching her expression.

"Alexis," she replied as she shoved the ice cream into the freezer.

Her suspicion dissipated, "Okay," she said with relief, "Daughters we can handle; I thought you were about to tell me he was having lunch with some other woman."

Kate snatched up a cupcake and shook her head, "No, so far no blonde bimbo flight attendants have made an appearance."

Johanna shared a look with Jim, whose interest seemed to be piqued by that statement and she could tell that he must have some idea of what she was talking about.

"Why would there be a bimbo flight attendant?" she asked.

"Because they're fun and uncomplicated," Kate answered with disdain before biting into her cupcake with a vengeance.

"I believe I've heard you make that statement before, Katie," Jim commented as he recalled that evening months before when she had came to see him and had unburdened herself to him in a sudden fit of tears. She hadn't explained that statement to him, she'd just thrown it out there with the stream of words that had poured from her lips as she cried against his shoulder.

Johanna didn't like the sound of that statement as she had a feeling that it had been thrown at her daughter at some point in time that she wasn't yet aware of and that it had been meant to imply that she wasn't those things, but she didn't know for sure and she couldn't leap to conclusions without the background and context to go along with it.

"What is this 'fun and uncomplicated' thing about?" she asked, "And don't tell me nothing because it's obviously something."

Her gaze shifted to her father and then to her mother and she hesitated. She hadn't told her father the significance of those words when she had confided in him and she didn't want to do so now. Her mother however was a different story. "I'll tell you later," she told her.

Johanna held her gaze and studied her for a second; she wasn't giving her a cop out, not that she would force it out of her if she was. She'd respect their boundaries but she believed that Kate was serious about telling her later and from the way she shifted her gaze between her and Jim before she made the statement it made it clear that she wanted to discuss it when they were alone and she nodded in acceptance.

Jim watched the exchange with interest, watching as they read each others thoughts without saying a word and he knew that Kate's statement implied that she'd rather talk about it when he wasn't around which meant that his wife would discreetly ask him to leave after dinner and he would do so gladly so his daughter could have privacy while giving Johanna another piece of the complicated puzzle that constituted her life with Rick Castle. He'd go willingly just so they could build up their relationship a bit more, even though he had cautioned Johanna about getting involved in this area of their daughter's life, but if Kate was willing to talk to her mother about something so important to her then he wouldn't stand in the way or advise his wife to back down from it. It was a good sign of progress between the women in his life.

"So do you have Plan C?" Kate asked as she finished off her cupcake.

Johanna sighed, "You're not going to like it."

She shrugged, "Maybe the one I don't like will be the one that works."

"Alright," she said, "Plan C is to wait."

Kate looked at her, "You're right, I hate it."

Her mother smiled, "Listen, you're doing everything you can on your side; you made the overtures now leave it up to him while continuing to do the things you've already been doing."

"Why should I keep doing the smiling and attempting conversation?" she asked, "It obviously isn't having the desired effect and I just feel foolish."

Johanna was quiet for a moment as if she were figuring something out and then she looked at her, "You keep doing it to some extent so that he knows the door is still open and then you wait for him because this isn't about you, Katie, it's about him."

"What do you mean it isn't about me?" she asked as if Johanna were crazy.

"I mean that whatever it is going on in his head is more about him then you; so you wait until he works it out."

Kate sighed, "So this is about him and I have to be the one to suffer?"

Her mother nodded and then smiled, "That's our lot in life, Katie, to suffer at the hands of men."

Jim scoffed, "Which is nothing compared to the suffering men do at the hands of women."

"No one asked you," Johanna remarked without even turning towards her husband.

"Someone has to be on Rick's side," he teased.

Kate eyed him, "You're my father, you're on my side whether you like it or not."

Johanna laughed and turned to catch his reaction, "The boss has spoken," she stated.

He laughed, "Consider me put in my place," he replied.

His daughter chuckled, "Don't forget to stay in it."

"Don't worry, if I forget, your mother will put me back where I belong."

"Good," she said, and then turning back to her original topic, she focused her attention back on her mother. "I still feel stupid though, acting as though nothing's wrong when obviously something is; it's like I'm being fake or something."

"You don't have to go overboard," Johanna told her, "Just be yourself, be subtle."

"Like you have been for the last four years," Jim commented.

Kate glared at him and then looked at Johanna, "I bet you could've done better than him."

She laughed as she turned to look at her husband who had grinned at his daughter's remark, "You're right," she answered, "I probably could've, but I just couldn't help myself."

"And why is that?" Kate asked her.

"Because I was irresistible to her," Jim stated.

"I didn't ask you," she told him, "I asked your wife."

Johanna smiled, "Well, he was handsome and charming, and kind…although he almost ruined everything by asking me if I was the new secretary."

Kate laughed and looked to her father, "Dad!" she exclaimed.

He was laughing as he recalled the occasion of their meeting, "How was I supposed to know she was going to be offended by that?"

"I wasn't offended that you thought I was a secretary," his wife retorted with a laugh, "I very well could've been, it was the fact that you assumed I was one that bugged me."

"Yeah, Dad," Kate agreed, "That sounds sexist."

He shrugged, "Hey, I was young and occasionally stupid, I saw a pretty girl leaning on a desk and I assumed secretary, it wasn't like she was carrying around her law degree to announce what she was."

"So it's my fault?" Johanna asked.

He smiled, "No comment."

Johanna smirked at him and looked back at Kate, "Obviously he redeemed himself after that…lucky for him."

Kate laughed, "You're going to tell me that story one day, aren't you?" she hinted.

Her mother nodded, "Sure, we'll get around it, but first we have to fix your problem with Rick."

Kate sighed and looked at her watch, "Speaking of which, I have to be getting back…he said he was going to come back after lunch, so I guess we'll see how the rest of the day goes."

"Don't worry," she assured as she followed her back to the door, "Just think of it as being like that math problem that you called me about when you were college. It took us awhile, but eventually we got to 17, and eventually with the right treatment, Rick will come around and the two of you will work it out."

She reached for her mother's hand and held it for a moment, giving it a light squeeze in understanding, "Alright, on to plan C."

"Good luck."

She smiled, "Thanks, I'll probably need it," and with that said she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, ready to head back to work.

* * *

She had been back at her desk for a half hour, trying not to be distracted by the fact that Castle's chair was still empty and yet she couldn't stop thinking about how he said he'd be back. She'd given him every indication that she'd welcome his company…so where was he?

"Stop it," she told herself, he was probably just taking his time, soaking up the afternoon with his daughter, but still she worried, especially now that her mother had made the statement that Castle's issue was with himself and not her. She wasn't sure she bought that reasoning, but she'd have to take her mother's advice and wait, no matter how much she hated it or how much it bugged her.

Castle walked into the bullpen, his thoughts still muddled in regards to Kate and their argument but he tried to shrug them off as he re-took his seat next to her. She caught his eye and gave him a small smile but he could see the strain that it held; the anxiety that was building up within her in relation to his current behavior and the sudden unsteady feeling of their relationship, which had seemed to be in such a good place only days before. Normally he would've tried to put her at ease by making a joke to make her laugh, or a comment that would elicit an eye roll, but he couldn't find it within himself to do those things today, not when he still felt so uneasy himself. He did however manage to return her smile.

"How was lunch with Alexis?" Kate asked, hoping the topic of his daughter might thaw the air between them.

"Good," he answered, "She submitted her final choices for her class schedule."

"Did she drop the extra classes?"

He nodded, "Yes, she decided to take your advice. She said you made a good point about not taking on too much at once and about enjoying what college life has to offer."

"I'm glad," she replied, "That should make you feel better. I know you were worried about her having too much on her plate."

"I'd feel better if it was an all girl's school," he commented.

"Why?"

"Co-ed dorms," he told her, "It can't be a good thing."

Kate laughed, "Castle, if there had been co-ed dorms when you went to college, you would've been the first person to sign up."

"I know!" he exclaimed, sounding more like himself, "And I know why, and none of those reasons are pure in nature, and you know that these boys that's going to be in this dorm are having those same thoughts…which makes me not want my daughter in one."

She smiled, "Even if Alexis did go to an all girls school, she'd still manage to find boys somewhere."

"You think so?"

"Yes," she answered, "That's our nature."

Castle looked at her with a raised brow, "Did you ever have a boy in your dorm room?"

She was quiet for a moment as she held his gaze, "I'm not answering that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not."

"Afraid I'll tell your mother?" he asked, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

"No," she replied, "Knowing her she probably assumes I did but would rather not know for sure…and who knows, she may have had a boy in her dorm room, not that I want to know."

He was quiet for a moment, "I'm taking all of this as your answer being yes."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Castle shrugged, "You're the one who said you had a wild child phase."

"That doesn't mean I was…you know…overly promiscuous. I do have morals you know."

"Even when you were college?" he asked.

"Yes!" she said, "I was raised with them, just because I had a wild child phase doesn't mean I railed against everything that had been instilled in me, like self respect."

He nodded, "I didn't mean to imply otherwise."

She smiled, "It's okay," she told him, "But you don't need to worry, Alexis is a good kid, she's got a good head on her shoulders and she knows how to take care of herself, and if she gets into a situation that she can't handle, well then hopefully she remembers that my gun and I are only a phone call away, in fact, if it will ease your mind, I'll be sure to discreetly remind her of it before the semester starts."

Castle smiled at that, "You'd do that?"

"Of course I would," she told him, "You know that."

"Thanks."

She looked at him and smiled softly, deciding to drop a word that would hopefully help smooth things over, "Always."

He smiled, but then looked troubled and she suddenly felt as though she played the wrong card as silence fell, that awkward, tense feeling filling the air between them once again.

"Did you make that ice cream delivery to your mother?" he asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah."

"How is she?"

"Fine," Kate replied, "She's happy, Dad's with her."

"That's good."

She nodded, and tried desperately to keep the conversation moving so they wouldn't fall back into the uncomfortable silence and then she thought of something she had slipped into her purse that morning.

"I want to show you something," she told him as she pulled open the bottom drawer of her desk and took out her purse.

His stomach knotted as he anticipated her to brandish a list of names that she and Johanna had compiled as possible suspects, but then he saw her pull what appeared to be a photo from her bag and he allowed himself to relax a bit.

"My mother gave this to me last night," she said as she handed him the picture.

"A picture of you?" he questioned as he studied the image of a smiling young woman he assumed to be Kate.

"No, but I thought that at first too when I saw it," she said with a smile, "That's her, that's my mom."

He looked at it again, this time taking notice of the clothing that obviously pointed to a different decade and the fact that the woman's hair color was darker than Kate's, making him realize that it was indeed a young Johanna Beckett smiling back at him in that photo and not his partner.

"I guess you can't deny being her daughter," he commented as he handed it back to her.

"No, not with proof like that," she remarked as she smiled at the image.

"How old was she on there?"

"I don't know," she answered, "It was before she was married, so I'd say around 25."

"Where did she get it?" he asked.

"Dad brought over an old photo album of hers last night," Kate told him, "I'd never seen those pictures before, it's like looking at their whole pre-official couple history. They spent the evening walking down memory lane."

The words slipped out his mouth before he could stop them, "So I guess the two of you didn't get to work on your project then."

"What project?"

"You know, your research," he told her, his voice laced with tension.

She looked as though she'd been slapped as she put the picture back into her bag. "No, we didn't," she said, refraining from mentioning that she'd put the project on hold, "We spent the evening looking at those pictures and talking…being a family…it was nice to have that feeling for a little while."

"What does your father think of the work the two of you did?" he asked, ignoring her remarks about her evening being family oriented.

"I didn't talk to him about it," she replied, "And I don't know if she did or not."

"Probably not," he remarked, "I doubt he'd be keen on the idea."

"Castle," she said, her tone tinged with desperation, "We haven't done anything."

"But you will."

She shook her head, "We haven't done anything more than what you saw. We didn't talk about it at all last night."

"You were probably thinking about it," he replied.

"Castle, you don't know as much as you think you do," she retorted, a bit of frustration leaking through her tone, as she recalled how the only thing she had been thinking about was him.

"I know you."

"Yeah, you know me, but as far as I know you don't have the ability to know what I'm thinking at all times, and I wasn't thinking about the case, and we weren't working on it."

"How long is that going to last?" he asked.

She looked him in the eye, "I don't know, I guess it depends on what develops."

"Is your mother hard at work looking up things on her computer?" he asked.

"Castle, leave my mother out of this," Kate stated.

"I can't," he told her, "She's a part of it, isn't that what you told me."

"Yeah, I did, and it's the truth. She is apart of it, but she isn't doing anything at the moment but sitting on the couch with my Dad, watching re-runs of sitcoms and probably rehashing an old memory that got brought up when I took the ice cream home; so leave her out of it."

"Fine."

"I didn't do anything wrong," she stated.

"I didn't say you did," he argued.

She scoffed, "But you sure as hell act like I have."

"I don't want you to get hurt, Kate, why can't you understand that?"

"I do!" she exclaimed in a hushed voice, "But why can't you understand my side of this? Why are you acting like I've gone off the deep end when I haven't?"

His jaw clenched and he looked her in the eye, "You know why."

"Castle…"

"Kate, don't," he said, his voice quiet but stern.

She bent her head over her paperwork, feeling the sting of tears as she did so but she blinked them back, as she allowed her hair to fall across the side of her face like a curtain, shielding her from Castle's gaze. Maybe her mother was right after all, maybe this wasn't so much about her; maybe it was about him and his own private feelings.

Castle felt conflicted as Kate lapsed into silence. A part of him wanted to take a page from her playbook and walk out the precinct and put space between them, but he couldn't and he wouldn't. He'd sit there until she went home because he wasn't going to take the risk of not being there, of not being aware of what she was doing and what information she might be gaining or looking for. The air between them was oppressive as she gave up her efforts to engage him in conversation, and it settled like lead in his stomach. He had to figure out a way to get over what he was feeling, because they couldn't be like this everyday. When her last form had been checked over and signed, she went and filled her papers and then gathered up her belongings and announced that she was heading out for the day. She caught his eye and whispered goodnight and then walked away, head held high as always, but he could easily read the tension in her body and see the weight pressing on her shoulders.

* * *

Later that evening, after dinner had been eaten and Jim had been politely shown the door; Kate and Johanna sat on the couch, each holding a bowl of strawberry ice cream while Temptation Lane played on the television. Johanna was discreetly watching her daughter from the corner of her eye, as she had been doing all evening. Kate had come home looking more forlorn then she had at lunch time. She was waiting for her to broach the topic of Rick and to explain that comment she had made about being 'fun and uncomplicated'. She wouldn't push her, she wouldn't ask. She wanted it to be Kate's choice to confide in her and if she'd changed her mind she wouldn't make it worse for either one of them by trying to force the issue.

Their show was nearly over and their empty bowls had been abandoned on the coffee table when Kate began to fidget and Johanna held her breath, knowing the signs of when her daughter was ready to talk.

"You know that rough spot I told you about?" Kate said softly as she turned towards her.

"Yes," her mother answered as she shifted in her direction as well.

"During that time frame, he started seeing this blonde, ditzy flight attendant," she began, "He even showed up with her at a crime scene."

"That must've hurt."

Kate nodded, "It did."

"How long did it last?"

"I don't know, a few days? A week maybe…but it felt like forever and he wouldn't talk to me about whatever it was that was wrong between us and when I asked him if we could talk, he told me he didn't have time because she was waiting for him in his Ferrari."

"What happened then?" her mother asked.

"I made a comment about how he'd been seeing so much of her in such a short span of time and how she didn't seem like his type and that's when he said 'She's fun and uncomplicated and that's what my life needs'."

Johanna could feel the sting of those words now that they had been put into context and she could see how badly they had hurt Kate and she wanted nothing more than to reach for her and hold her but she knew that wasn't allowed yet so she opted to go for their approved method of comfort and took her hand. She didn't know what to say or how to respond and she remained silent as she tried to compose something that would offer support and compassion.

"You know when you told me about that fight you and Dad had, and you told me that one thing he said to you and you said that you could tell from the look on my face that I knew how hurt you had felt in that moment?" Kate asked.

She nodded, "I remember."

"Those were the words," she confessed.

"He couldn't have done a better job at hurting you, could he?" Johanna said.

She shook her head, "No."

"What did you do when he said that?"

"Nothing," she replied, "What could I do except watch him walk away?"

"I'm sorry, Katie," Johanna said as she gripped her hand.

Kate gave her a small smile, "It's not your fault."

"I know, but I hate knowing you were hurt like that."

"It got worse," she said.

Johanna hesitated for a moment, "Do you want to tell me about it?" she asked.

She nodded and then began to tell her mother about how Castle had gone off and shadowed another cop and how it all had seemed to be crashing down and coming to an end between them. She spoke about the zombie case and how through the whole thing it was becoming obvious that he was going to leave her and then she told her about the conversation she and Castle had at the end of that case that seemed to turn things around. Johanna gently questioned the meanings of that conversation and she gave a brief uncomfortable explanation about the meaning of her wall, and Johanna allowed it to pass without saying anything else about it as she sensed it could become a sore subject between them.

She did however move closer to her daughter, just as Kate had done for her the night before, and after a moment, to her surprise, Kate shifted and leaned against her, her head resting against her shoulder and told her about how her day had gone after lunch. Johanna responded to Kate's statements, offering support and encouragement while reveling in the feel of her daughter being so close to her. It wasn't an embrace like she dreamed of, but she was content with the feel of her warmth and the weight of her head against her shoulder, the scent of cherry body wash and shampoo filling her senses and it made her nostalgic for the times when Kate had been small and she'd held her close, breathing in that soft little girl scent and giving her all of her love and affection. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't exactly what she'd been longing for, but it was enough, and it was over all too soon when she shifted again and rose from the couch.

"I think I want a glass of wine," Kate stated, "You want one."

"No," she answered, giving her a soft smile.

Kate returned the smile and had no sooner entered the kitchen when she heard a knock at the door. Her mother told her that she'd get it and she allowed her to do so, knowing that her mother would take the proper precautions.

A few moments later, Johanna entered the kitchen.

"It's for you, Katie," she stated, drawing Kate's attention from the glass she was filling.

Her eyes widened as she saw Castle lingering behind her mother. She shifted her gaze back to Johanna, who gave her a reassuring smile.

"I locked the door," she said, "And now I'm going to bed."

Kate nodded, knowing that her mother's sudden decision to go to bed at 9:30 was so that she could have privacy to work this thing out with Castle. "Goodnight," she told her.

When Johanna was out of sight, Castle shifted from foot to foot and scanned the kitchen.

"What happened to your boards and notes?" he couldn't help but ask.

"We put them away," she answered as she leaned against the counter.

"Why?"

"Because they weren't meant to be on permanent display."

He moved further into the room, pausing as he faced her.

"Can we talk?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," she replied, "I think we probably should."

He was slightly taken aback at her willingness to discuss their problem but then he thought that maybe he shouldn't be, she had after all been more open with him recently.

"Kate, I…I can't apologize for worrying about you or wanting to protect you," he stated.

"Have I asked you to?" she questioned.

"No, but you probably expect it and I can't give you that."

"I don't expect you to be sorry, and I don't want you to be, Castle."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I know you reacted the way you did because you care about me and you want to keep me safe."

He nodded, "I saw those boards and the work you had done, and I could see the possibilities running through your head and I could just see the recklessness that was going to come from it, and I can't let that happen, Kate. I can't let you go rouge on this one."

"Castle, how can I be reckless when I don't even have anything to go on?" she asked, her tone firm but unaccusing.

"Because I know you," he said in frustration, "I know that you won't stop until you find something and once you have it, it'll be easy for you to lose the control that you say you have."

She stepped towards him, "Look at me, Rick," she commanded softly, "Look me in the eye; do you really see me on the verge of being reckless or do you just think you see it?"

He looked deep into her green eyes. They were focused and sincere, holding the same emotions that they always held and none of them were the things he feared the most.

"Do you see it?"

"No," he admitted, "But it could easily happen."

"It's not," she stated.

"What makes you so certain?" he asked.

"Because it's different now," she told him.

Castle shook his head, "No, it isn't, Kate."

"It is," she insisted.

"How do you figure?"

"Because solving this case used to be just about justice and closure. I thought that ending it would give me something that I needed but it's not like that anymore, Rick. I still need to solve it, I still need the closure and the justice but for different reasons."

"The only thing that's different," he argued, "Is that she's alive."

She nodded, "That's only part of it," she stated, "She's here, alive and well and sometimes it's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that the woman standing in my kitchen every morning is my mother. Things aren't perfect, there's hurt and anger and things we're avoiding but she's here and I don't want to lose her again; and that's going to be one of the things that keeps me cautious. Her life depends on me being careful."

He released a heavy breath, "I know those things," he said, "I know this is about her and what the two of you need."

"Castle," she said softly, moving a few steps closer to him, "Ending this isn't just about me and her."

"Then what's it about Kate?"

"All of us," she replied.

He looked at her, "What do you mean?"

She was quiet for a moment, trying to compose her thoughts. "It's about giving all of us peace of mind. It's about Ryan and Esposito and how they're looking over my shoulder just as much as I am; it's about taking that weight off of their shoulders. It's about the way Lanie still looks at me sometimes, like she's terrified that she's going to find me on one of her tables one day."

"Don't say that," he demanded.

"Shhh," she said, laying her fingers against his lips for a moment. "It's about Martha and Alexis and having them not worry so much about you being with me, about them not worrying so much about me. It's about my Dad, about giving him back the woman he's been in love with for nearly forty years. It's about him having some of the worry taken off his shoulders in regards to me and her. It's about my mother, and how she sat in there last night and cried because she missed her husband and wanted to go home with him. I want her to go home, she needs to go home. All of these years later and they still love each other, Castle, they still want to be together and they've been robbed of enough time."

"I understand that," he said quietly.

"It's about you, Rick," she stated, not wanting him to think that she was finished.

"Me?"

She nodded, "It's about you and how I don't want you to have this look on your face all the time," she said as her fingers trailed along his jaw, "I don't you to be this worried all the time, I don't want you to have to carry this weight. It's about us, Rick, it's about us being able to move on, it's about bringing down the rest of the wall so you can help me step over the rubble because I promised you I'd get there…I want to get there. I want to have the type of relationship that I grew up witnessing, I want the type of relationship that I'm seeing now, one that overcomes the worst possible obstacles and survives. I want this to be over for us, Rick, and I'm not going to be reckless and risk not having those things."

His throat was tight with emotion. "I'm afraid, Kate," he admitted, "So afraid that I'm going to lose you. I looked at those boards and those notes and all I could think of was you lying on the ground with a bullet in you, and I can't…"

She closed the small distance between them, took his face in her hands and stopped the flow of words with her kiss. It took him a second to react and when he did he held her tightly against him, kissing her with an intensity that he hadn't before as he tried to drown all those feelings that were weighing him down.

The need for air separated them and he leaned his forehead against hers, his fingers still digging into her waist where he held her.

"I'm afraid too," she whispered, "I don't want that to happen again, I don't want to put you through that, I don't want to put anyone through it, and I'm afraid for you Castle. I don't want you to get hurt or die over this; I don't want any of us to lose our lives for this. I swear to you that I'm not going to lose control."

"You can say that now because we don't have anything," he replied, "But what about when we do, what if the two of you stumble across something while you're running this new theory."

She stepped back a bit so he'd have to look at her, "We're not looking into anything right now," she told him. "I told her that we'd wait; that I'd wait and see if something turns up about Shadow."

"How long are you going to wait?" he asked.

"I'll give it a few weeks," she told him.

"And then?

"And then we start looking into things, but I promise, Rick, I'm not going to do this without you. You have my word."

"I don't think the two of you should do this."

"We're not right now," she reminded him, "But I may not have a choice if we don't find something soon."

It was true, although he hated to admit it.

"You swear you won't make a move without me?" he asked, resigning himself to the notion that eventually they were going to take matters into their own hands.

"I promise."

"Even if you're mad at me?"

She smiled at him, "I'll let my mother call you."

He smiled slightly, a part of him unsure if he could trust Johanna to place that call.

"You can trust me, Castle," she told him, "Just like always. You're my partner; we're going to end this together."

He believed her; believed that for the moment she wasn't going to go rogue and leave him out of the loop, believed that she wanted to move past this so they could have a future and that thought had him pulling her back to him. He kissed her, tenderly this time, although the passion remained as they gave themselves over to the feeling. Eventually she gently pushed him back and stepped away, causing him to look at her in confusion.

She hesitated for a moment as she moved back to the counter. This was her chance, that moment to see if he'd indulge in that silly gesture that warmed her heart. She turned on the radio, flipped the stations until she found something slow and then she turned back to him.

"If I asked you to dance with me, would you?" she asked softly.

He looked at her oddly, "Here?"

She nodded, "Yeah, here, now."

He smiled then, the one she'd been longing to see all day and his blue eyes which had been clouded with so much worry and anguish seemed to clear and sparkle in the manner she was used to.

"Why Detective Beckett, I thought you'd never ask," he stated as he held out his hand towards her.

Her heart fluttered and she slipped her hand into his, "That's just 'Kate'," she said softly as he pulled her close and they began to move slowly to the music.

There were quiet for a moment and a wave of feelings washed over her, bringing a smile to her lips that she was sure made her look like a sixteen year old who was experiencing her first taste of love but she couldn't help it. It felt so right, so magical, and despite it's silliness it meant everything to her.

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you smile like that?" he asked her softly.

"No," she replied, that warm giddy feeling in her heart spreading throughout her body.

"Then allow me to remedy that," he stated, "I love when you smile like this," he stated, "You should smile like that all the time."

She laughed softly, "I would but then the criminals wouldn't fear me."

He chuckled, "But it would probably catch them off guard. I'm sure they're unaccustomed to being arrested by a cop with a beautiful smile.

She ducked her head shyly but looked back at him as he spoke again, "Where did you get this idea?" he asked, "Did you see it in an old Hepburn movie?"

"No," she said shaking her head.

"Thought it up on your own?"

"No, I'll tell you someday, but not tonight."

He nodded, "Don't want to ruin the allure?" he teased.

"Something like that," she replied as they swayed slowly, and she prayed that her phone wouldn't ring and that the night would drag on for as long as possible.

"You know, I've always wanted to take you out dancing," he remarked.

"Have you?"

"Yes," he replied, "But I think I like this better."

"Really?" she asked, that smile that she couldn't seem to control returning to her lips.

Castle nodded as he looked at her, "It feels special like this," he explained, "More intimate."

She didn't bother to try and talk herself out of kissing him; she merely seized the moment and kissed him slowly as they moved in time with the music.

As they danced, he felt as though he were passing some sort of test and his curiosity got the best of him, making him wonder if she had tested anyone else in this fashion.

"Have you ever done this with anyone else?" he asked, a part of him wondering if he really wanted to know the answer; after all, he didn't want to think about her dancing with Josh in this very same kitchen.

"No," she told him, a knowing gleam in her eye.

"So I'm the first one?" he asked with a smile.

"That would be the logical conclusion," she teased.

He smirked in amusement, "I was just making conversation."

"Right," she said with a laugh.

He gave a light shrug, "Okay, so I was feeling special and wanted to make sure that feeling was unique to me."

She nodded as she looked him in the eye, "You should feel special."

"I do," he assured, "I think we should do it again sometime."

"I'd like that," she told him, and he could swear that her eyes were full of love and affection.

"Your kitchen or mine?" he asked quietly as he pulled her a little closer.

Kate smiled, "Maybe we'll try yours next time."

"You just name the time and I'll have the radio tuned and ready."

"You don't think it's silly?" she asked.

He shook his head, "Only in the manner of endearing, sweet, silliness," he replied.

She laughed softly, "Well at least you don't think I'm crazy."

It was quiet between them for a moment as he worked something out in his mind, "This is special to you, isn't it?" he asked.

Kate looked at him and then nodded, "Yeah, it is."

He thought about it for a moment, "Your parents did this, didn't they?"

She smiled; Castle always could figure her out. "Still do," she answered, because she figured the expression on her face would brand her a liar if she denied it.

Warmth spread through him, and suddenly this dancing in the kitchen took on a whole new meaning and he lowered his head and kissed her.

It was quiet once more and after awhile she decided to ask him about something that was in the back of her mind, gently nagging at her, although it was an odd thing to be concerned about.

"Did you do any writing this evening?" she asked.

"No, not really."

She locked her gaze on his, "So Nikki and Rook are still not speaking to each other?"

"For the moment, but by tomorrow night, they'll be back on speaking terms," he answered.

She smiled shyly and nodded, "That's good to know…sometimes I worry about them."

He caught the hidden meaning in her words and knew that it wasn't only Nikki and Rook that worried her at times; it was the two of them.

He smiled in reassurance, "That's the thing about Nikki and Rook," he stated, "They have their troubles, their differences, and internal struggles but somehow they always manage to find their way back to each other."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

They moved slowly to song after song, flirtatious comments being spoken softly once in awhile as kisses were stolen and the night faded into early morning. Sometime after six she followed him to the door and kissed him goodbye.

"You coming in today?" she asked him before he opened the door to leave.

"I'll be there," he said.

Despite the romantic turn the evening had taken she still felt the need to ask, "Are we okay?"

He reached for her once again and kissed her, "We're fine."

Kate smiled, "See you later," she told him, feeling the weight of the last forty-eight hours lift from her shoulders.

She returned to the kitchen and began to prepare breakfast, wanting to treat her mother in thanks for her support and encouraging her to ask Castle to dance with her in the kitchen.

When Johanna appeared in the kitchen she looked at her daughter and said, "Well?"

Her smile told Johanna that they had worked it out and she smiled in return, "I'm glad things are better, Katie."

"Me too."

She realized that the radio was playing and she caught her daughter's eye, "Any chance there was dancing?"

Kate nodded, "There was."

"And?"

There was that smile again, and Johanna wished that she could've snapped a picture of it.

"And I see what you find so magical about it," she answered as she put a plate in front of her mother.

"I told you that he'd dance with you in the kitchen," her mother said as she grinned.

She laughed as her mother subtly gloated in the fact that she had been right and then she caught her eye and said softly, "Thank you."

"For what?"

She shrugged, "Being here for me, telling me it would be okay."

"That's my job," she answered, "And besides, it was nice to return the favor."

Kate smiled and said nothing more about it, but she couldn't deny the fact that she felt closer to her mother in those moments and for the first time since all of this had started, she didn't mind that feeling.

* * *

As Castle got ready to face the day, he felt better where Kate was concerned and the measures he had taken to ensure that he was kept in the loop in regards to her activity on the case but there was still something bugging him and that person was Johanna Beckett. He felt badly for the comments he had made during his argument with Kate and he felt the need to apologize for them, but there was something else. There were things he needed to say to Johanna, and he didn't think it could wait any longer. He checked his watch, Kate would've left by now and chances were good that he could catch her alone. With that thought in mind he set off for Kate's apartment once again.

"Who is it?" Johanna's voice asked from the other side of the door.

He announced himself and then waited as he heard the locks being released and the door opening, revealing Kate's mother and the gun she held at her side which drew his gaze.

"Everyone usually calls as they come up the hallway," she said as she followed his gaze to the gun.

He smiled, "I know, I forgot to call."

"If you're looking for Katie, she left over an hour ago Rick," Johanna told him.

"I figured that," Castle replied, "Can I come in?"

Johanna moved aside, allowing him in and she shut the door and locked it.

"If you're not looking for Katie, what brings you by?" she asked him.

He hesitated for a moment, shifting awkwardly before looking her in the eye, "I wanted to talk to you."

She was quiet for a second as she assessed his look, "Alright," she said, her tone betraying nothing of her thoughts, "Coffee?"

"Sure," he said with a slight smile and then he followed her into the kitchen and took a seat at the table as she poured him a cup a coffee. He took note of the paperback book and her glasses lying next to her cup of tea and figured that he had interrupted her reading time. He reached forward and turned the book towards him to get a better view of the title as she sat down across from him.

"The Stephanie Plum series," he said lightly as he eyed the title.

Johanna smiled, "I read a lot of different genres but mystery has always been my favorite; but given the circumstances I thought I should read a more humorous, upbeat type of mystery."

"I suppose that's understandable," he said as he turned the book back towards her.

Johanna laughed softly, "Now don't be jealous, Rick, I've read your books."

"Nikki Heat," he replied.

"Of course Nikki Heat," she answered, "But I might have never picked up that issue of Cosmo and found out that Kate was Nikki if it hadn't been for you on the cover."

"Couldn't resist me?" he teased.

She laughed, "I couldn't resist knowing what you were going to write next," she told him, "I read your other series."

He smiled at that, "It must've been a surprise to see her in a magazine."

"It was," she admitted, "But it was also a blessing because your books put her in the public eye a bit more and I was able to find things about her online. I was able to read those books and feel closer to her; and believe me, I've read them more times then I can keep track of just so I could have that feeling. You gave a piece of her back to me through your books, Rick, and I thank you for that."

That thought settled heavily in his mind, making him feel a little more badly about the thoughts he had been harboring about her since that morning when they had shown off their case work. "I'm glad they helped you," he told her, "I'm glad they gave you some comfort."

Johanna smiled at him, "What's on your mind today, Rick? I doubt you came over here to discuss my reading habits; although for the record, my sister and I spent a good bit of our summer vacations reading Nancy Drew books when we were kids."

Castle gave a short laugh in response; she was teasing him so maybe he hadn't offended her as much as he had feared.

"What's your sister's name?" he asked, a part of him not ready to dive into the conversation he had came to have with her.

She sensed his hesitation and decided to indulge him and put him at ease, "Colleen," she answered.

"Pretty," he said.

She nodded, "Yeah, she got the better name."

"You don't like your name?" he asked.

"When I was a kid I didn't," she replied, "But then as I got older it didn't bother me so much and then I found a name that I hated even more."

"What name is that?" he inquired.

She looked him in the eye, "Meagan."

Castle nodded in understanding. "Now I love the name my mother gave me," Johanna stated, "You don't know how good it is to answer to it once again."

"What's your mother's name?"

"Her name was Naomi," she told him, and then not missing a beat she added, "My father's name was Frank and my brother is Frank Jr., although we called him Frankie."

He nodded and then smiled, "Sorry, writer's habit of needing details."

Johanna laughed, "I don't mind," she told him, "But I don't think you came here to talk about my family tree either."

"Yeah," he said as he shifted in his seat, a hand going to the back of his neck, rubbing it for a minute, "I just…I wanted to apologize for the other day."

"That was between you and Kate," she replied, "I was just a reluctant witness."

"But I said things," he said, "I made that Nancy Drew crack."

She grinned, "That's alright; I like Nancy Drew, I have fond memories of those books and late nights reading them by flashlight with Colleen."

Castle smiled, "But it wasn't a nice thing to say and I'm sorry."

Johanna waved a hand dismissively, "Don't worry about it; between my father, my mother-in-law and my career as an attorney, I can assure you that I've been called far worse things."

"But still," he stated, "I never meant to imply that you didn't have the intelligence to deal with this or …"

"Stop," she said, "It's fine. I wasn't offended and I'm not angry about anything you said in regards to me."

"You're not?" he asked.

"No," she replied and then she smiled, "Believe me, Rick, if you piss me off I'll let you know about it in no uncertain terms, and if you need confirmation of that just ask Katie…or better yet, ask Jim," she said with a laugh, "He can definitely vouch for it."

He laughed softly and nodded and then he grew quiet and serious as she eyed him.

"There's more, isn't there?" she asked.

Castle nodded, "Yes."

"Let's have it," Johanna told him.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, unsure of having this conversation after all.

"I'm a big girl, I can handle it," she stated.

"Handle what?" he asked.

"Whatever it is that you need to throw at me, I can take it, I've taken it from my husband and my daughter, I can take it from you, so go on, get it out of your system, you'll feel better."

"I thought Kate was reprogramming you to not be a doormat."

Johanna smiled slightly, "I don't have my shoes on."

"She still hasn't explained the significance of shoes to me," he replied.

"It doesn't matter," she answered, "Like she told you, it's a girl thing, but lets get this over with, Rick. Waiting for it always makes me feel sick."

"I just…" he began and then paused, his tongue feeling tied as he stumbled over his thoughts and struggled to find the right way to say what he felt.

"Just spit it out," she demanded.

"I just don't think you should be helping her," he blurted out, "You don't know what she's like when she works this case."

"You told me that the other morning."

"And I still mean it," he said firmly, "Don't you think you're involved enough? Don't you think you've put her in enough danger?"

"Do you think I want her to be in danger?" she replied, "I don't and I've already told you that. I don't know what you want me to do, she's a cop, she made the choice to take this on years ago, is it what I wanted for her? Of course not, I wanted her to go to law school; but she made her choice, she took on this fight….and I'm not going to let her fight my battles alone anymore, not when I might be able to help her, not when she needs me."

"She's not fighting it alone," he stated, "She fights it with me, with Ryan and Esposito and Lanie; you don't need to throw your hat into the ring."

"My hat was the first one in the ring," she retorted, "You know that. I'm not trying to step on your toes or take anyone's place by giving her the details of what I know and offering her a fresh perspective. If she asks me to help her than I'm going too, I have to, I owe her that."

"This isn't a game."

He heard her foot tapping against the floor for a moment and then she looked him in the eye, "I think I'm well aware of that fact," she said firmly.

"Don't encourage her to go chasing things."

"I'm not; I already told you that I would never allow her to go off on her own. I would make the call to you myself if I had to."

"I just…I don't think you get it," he stated.

"How can I not get it?" she asked, "I'm in it."

Castle felt frustrated as he tried to put his feelings into words. It should've been easy for him to do so, but his writer's mind failed him and he was left to work with raw emotion and bluntness.

"You don't get it, because you've been hidden away, you haven't had to watch it. You haven't had to watch her lose herself in this; you haven't had to look at the pain in her eyes."

"I see the pain in her eyes everyday," she retorted, "And I hate it, I hate that I caused it, but I can't go back and change things. If I could, I would, but I can't. I may have been hidden away but I've been paying the price for someone else's sins, just as Katie's been paying it."

"She's paid it in more ways than you have."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Do you think I don't?"

"You don't know what it was like to see her get shot," Castle stated as he held Johanna's gaze, "You don't know what it was like to be there, to see her lying on the ground, her blood on my hands, watching the life go out of her. You weren't there, you didn't have to witness it; you don't know what it felt like."

She was quiet, her teeth sinking into her lip so hard that he was sure she would draw blood, and he watched as her eyes misted and filled with tears that she struggled to blink back, but she did and left behind in their green depths was a rawness that he hadn't anticipated and for a moment he was afraid that he had gone to far.

"You're right," she stated softly, her tone neutral, "I don't know what it was like for you to witness that, I don't know what it was like for Jim or her friends or anyone else who was there."

"No, you don't," he agreed.

Johanna nodded, "And you don't know what it was like for me," she said, her tone changing subtly; "You don't know what it was like for me to stand in front of a television and see her face on the screen, you don't know what it was like to hear from a newscaster that my daughter had a bullet in her chest. You don't know how it felt for me to be so far away from her, to have to wait on the phone to ring to tell me if she was still alive, to find out that this happened because of me. You had her blood on your hands in a physical sense of the word, but let me tell you Rick, I looked at my hands and saw it there too…and I still do every day."

He was taken aback by that statement, despite already knowing that Johanna felt guilt in regards to the shooting, but maybe he hadn't taken into account how difficult that must've been for her, that her feelings went deeper than just guilt.

"Do you think I could've lived with myself if she hadn't survived?" Johanna asked him.

He didn't know how to answer that question and he remained quiet in regards to it as he studied Johanna's face.

She looked him in the eye, "If my daughter hadn't survived, if she had died because of me…I wouldn't have allowed myself to live another day, Rick. If that phone call would've came in telling me she was gone…," she paused, the emotion drowning her as she recalled the bleakness of those days, "If they had told me she was gone," she began again, "I would've been dead within minutes," she stated seriously.

"You don't mean that," he said quietly as the meaning of those words sank in, "You wouldn't…"

"I would've," she admitted, cutting him off, "There was a gun in the nightstand…if she had died from a bullet…I would've too, I would've made sure of it."

Castle swallowed hard as he digested those statements but he said nothing because she began to speak again.

"You don't know how dark it got in my mind during those days," she said, her voice almost a whisper, "It was darker than it ever had been before…and I had some pretty long bouts of depression during those years, but that week…it was a blackness that I never thought myself capable of having."

"What about now?" he asked, "It doesn't get that dark in your mind anymore, does it?"

"No, once I knew for sure that she was going to be okay it eased off, but it's not something I ever want to experience again. I don't ever want to go back to that place…it's scary there," she whispered, "Especially when you're in it alone."

"Does Jim know you felt that way?" he asked.

"No," she answered as she locked her gaze on his, "And don't you ever tell him; don't you ever tell Katie. I don't want them to ever know that I had thoughts like that."

"I won't," he promised, "As long as you don't have those thoughts anymore."

"I don't."

He nodded in acceptance of her answer, and a part of him felt like he should end this conversation but he couldn't, not when he had things of his own to get off his chest.

"I understand that you felt that way, that you have guilt because of it; but I don't think you know the hell she's been through for the past 13 years. I don't think you know what you've done to her."

The comment struck her with a blow she hadn't anticipated and it laid open the vein of red hot anger that had been simmering beneath the surface. It wasn't anger at Rick, but at herself and the person who had put her in this situation and she couldn't get control of that emotion quickly enough and it poured out of her.

"Everyone wants to tell me things that they think I don't know," she said angrily, "But I know plenty. How can I not know what I've done to her? Do you think I looked across the table at her that morning and thought that she was going to take it well? Do you think I didn't know what I was going to put them through? Do you think my heart wasn't being ripped into shreds?"

"It seems like you did it easily enough," he commented.

"Is that what you think?" she asked tartly, "Do you think I _wanted_ to do this?"

He said nothing, but he held her stare as her eyes glittered with long buried anger.

"You have a daughter, Rick, how would you like to be put into that position? How would you like being told that you have to walk away from your child and never see her again, never hold her, never speak to her. How would you like to know that you were going to miss out on her life? That you have no choice but to betray her."

"I couldn't," he said firmly, "I could never walk away from my daughter."

"Even if you felt like her life depended on it?" she asked, "Because that's what I was told, I can still hear those words in my mind, _'If they're willing to kill you Mrs. Beckett, they'll have no qualms about killing your husband and daughter…' _If you had those words in your ear, you'd walk away, it would kill you but you'd do it to keep her safe, and you know you would. It's easy to sit there and say you wouldn't, that you wouldn't make that choice, but if you suddenly found yourself in that position, you'd do it, because that's what a parent does. Just like when you love someone, like I love my husband, you'll do anything to keep them safe, you betray them because it feels like the only way. You don't enjoy it, but you do it."

"Some people do it," he said.

"Like I said, Rick, it's easy to say you wouldn't make those choices when you're not the one faced with that situation; but let me tell you something, I'm not stupid, I know that you love Kate, and I know that if you had to betray her to keep her safe, you'd do it in a heartbeat."

"But this isn't about me; this is about you, and what you've done to her, the hell she's been through because she couldn't get past this."

"You want to tell me about hell," she said, her voice full of tension, her hand curled into a fist as her nails dug into her palm, "Like I don't know already know how I destroyed them. Do you think I feel good knowing that I caused my husband to become an alcoholic; that he couldn't stand to look at our daughter because she looked like me? Do you think I'm happy that my daughter gave up her dreams, that she took a bullet for me? Do you think that I don't have that on my conscience everyday and that no matter what amends I make it's not ever going to go away? I am well aware of what I've done and the price everyone's had to pay because of it. I carry that weight, I know all about hell, I know more about it then you can imagine because I've been living it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for 13 ½ years. Of course their version is different than mine, worse, but that doesn't make mine any less painful."

Castle kept his gaze focused on her but he remained quiet as he sensed that she wasn't done yet, that she had a lot of pent up anger lingering inside of her that she needed to get off her chest and that he was probably the only one willingly to listen, the only one she could say these things to without causing pain or hurt feelings, and despite his own pent up feelings he found himself wanting to listen, wanting to understand what she had gone through.

"Do you know what it's like to lie every day?" she asked, "How hard it is? You wake up every morning knowing that you're not where you're supposed to be. Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and feel like you don't know who you are anymore; to realize that you're just a shell of the person you used to be? It's not easy."

"I'm sure it's not," he said in response, keeping his comment brief so she could continue on without much distraction.

"You make the best of it because you have to," she said, "You hide your pain or at least try to and you shed your tears in the dark. You go through the motions of living but everyday you die a little more inside. You claim people as friends, but you see them looking at you like they're trying to figure you out, why you don't talk about yourself, why you're so reserved. They don't know you and they never can and it eats you alive because you have to carry it alone."

"What did your friends think of you?" he asked, "What did you tell them?"

"Nothing," she answered. "I didn't tell them anything, they just assumed things."

"Like what?"

She was quiet for a second, her fingers uncurling to brush across the stone of her engagement ring. "I wouldn't date anyone," she said, "And I wouldn't allow my friend Carolyn to fix me up with someone."

"What did she say about it?"

"Nothing at first, but she'd push every now and then and I guess she picked up on my habit of rubbing my ring finger."

"They thought you were a widow," he stated.

She nodded, "She wanted me to give this guy we worked with a chance and I refused for the thousandth time and she said to me, 'You must've loved your husband very much but he'd want you to be happy,'."

"What did you do?"

"I burst into tears," she admitted, "And I walked away. She left me alone about it for a little while after that. I guess she figured it was too soon."

"What about Kate?" he asked, "Did you ever slip up about her."

"Yes," she answered, "I went to lunch with a few women I worked with, they were my friends and we were having a nice time and one of them was talking about how worried she was about her child because he was due to have his tonsils taken out and without any thought I said, 'Oh don't worry, he'll be alright. My daughter went through it at about the same age and she did fine'."

"What happened?"

"I realized what I had done as soon as I said it and they were all looking at me in surprise and Carolyn says 'I didn't know you have a daughter,' and I couldn't deny it, not after I said it, but I refused to talk about her and I got up and left."

"You never told them anything else?" he questioned.

"No, and believe me, Carolyn tried to drag it out of me but I wouldn't budge."

"So they thought that you had lost both of them."

She nodded, "I hated it, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't tell them the truth and I couldn't bring myself to tell more lies. I just kept it all inside."

"I'm sure that was hard for you."

Johanna paused and looked down into her cup of tea, which had grown cold, and she frowned. "Do you know how many nights I laid awake wondering where my husband was, missing him so badly that it hurt to breath, wondering if he was alright, if he still loved me. Thinking about all the plans and dreams we had that were going to be unfulfilled. Our anniversary would come around and I'd feel crippled with pain, those milestones like our 25th and 30th, we didn't get to share and they can never be recaptured. Do you know how I spend that day?" she asked.

"No," he answered, "How?"

"With a bottle of wine that I open at noon, and I don't stop until it's empty. Do you know how much it hurt to think about Katie? To wonder what she was doing, if she was alright, if she remembered how much I loved her. I'd think about all the things I was going to miss, like her graduation from college, watching her fall in love with the person she would marry, her wedding, the birth of her children. Every time her birthday would come around I'd think, my god she's 21 now, she's 25, and then when 29 came, it came with the realization that I hadn't laid eyes on my baby in 10 years and it was the most crushing blow. Then there was 30, 31, 32, and I missed them all."

"I can't imagine what that must be like for you," Castle said, as he began to soften towards her once again.

"No, you can't," she replied, "I've spent the last 13 years feeling like my life was like one of those jigsaw puzzles," Johanna said as she glanced down at the table and then back at Castle, "You know how they are, a box full of pieces and you have to put them together to make the picture. I felt like my puzzle was complete until all of this happened, until someone came along and took away everything that I loved; everything that was mine and it was like the entire inside of that puzzle had been gutted. The frame was still intact but the picture was gone. Having to start over and be someone else was like picking those pieces out of the box and pounding them into the wrong spots. They didn't fit right, the picture was odd and distorted and there were pieces missing."

"And now?" he asked.

She took a breath, her anger dissipating, and she looked at him as she spoke, "When Katie was shot, it was like a cannon ball being blown through that puzzle. The pieces scattered everywhere. I couldn't get over what had happened to her and people were starting to notice, and after a year I knew I had to do something because I couldn't put the pieces together anymore, and that's when I made the decision to come home, and when I got on that plane…a few pieces shifted back into place, and then I got to see Jim and Katie, and even though it didn't go the way I wish it had, a few more pieces fell into place. Jim and I have been working on our relationship, we've been rebuilding and that's a big section of the puzzle that's filling back in, and then there's Katie…and she's starting to give me a chance, she's coming around and that feels so good. The picture is beginning to become clear again, it's scuffed and war torn but it's not distorted anymore. The pieces fit together again, it feels right, but…"

"But it's not complete yet," Castle said.

Johanna smiled sadly, "No, it isn't."

"But you're getting there," he remarked

"That's the problem, Rick, I don't want to be 'getting there', I want to go home."

"You are home."

She shook her head, "Home is the house Jim bought me when I was pregnant with Kate; home is where he is, it's the place where she grew up, it's where my memories are, it's where I left my heart. I'm almost there," she said, "But from here, with traffic factored in, I'm still about 25-35 minutes away, and I want to go home, Rick. I want this to be over so Katie can have the life she deserves, I want it to be over so I can regain whatever I can of the life I had. We can't heal and move on until this is over…that's why I have to help her if she asks me to, I have to do that for her. I have to give her back her life."

Castle was quiet as those words settled between them. He had always thought of Kate as a woman constantly at war, and as he looked at Johanna he saw a woman who had been dropped into the middle of an unknown sea and told to sink or swim. It was obvious that despite the kicking and flailing she had done to keep herself a float that she had gone under more times than anyone knew, but she had once again broken the surface and was fighting to keep her head above water, and to pace herself as she navigated the tricky currents that kept her from reaching the shore. She was tired, he could see that, she was wounded and hurt and yet there was an indomitable spirit within her; a quiet strength that propelled her forward and kept her going even when it would've been easy to give up. His mother was right; Kate had inherited her strength and courage from Johanna and it was admirable, because he didn't think he could've survived the things either one of them had to go through and suddenly he felt badly for judging her the way he obviously had been. He was raking her over coals that she'd already raked herself over a million times before. He had no right to do that, no right to act as if he were better, because she was right, he didn't know what it was like to walk in her shoes anymore than she knew what it was like to walk in his; and he knew that she was also right about the statement she had made saying that he'd walk away from Alexis if it meant keeping her alive; he'd do anything to keep his daughter safe and Johanna had done the same. It wasn't her fault that Kate had made the choices that she had made.

"I'm sorry, Johanna," he said quietly, "I didn't mean to hurt you, or imply that you don't love her, that any of this has been easy for you or that you've been unaffected by what she's gone through."

"You didn't."

"I think I did."

"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I deserve it."

"It matters to me," he replied.

"Why?"

"Because you don't deserve to be judged unfairly. I try not be the kind of person who does those things, I know how hurtful it can be and I know that there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed, and I think maybe I crossed one."

"Don't worry about it," Johanna told him as she rose from her chair and dumped her tea into the sink and then began the process of making herself a fresh cup.

He'd gone there to make an apology and to say his piece in hopes of persuading her to stay out of Kate's investigation, but he knew that Johanna was going to do anything Kate asked of her and now that he had vented his feelings toward her he was able to accept that at some level, because who wouldn't help their child if they were able. He couldn't stop them, he knew that and while he believed the things Kate had said the night before he couldn't help but want to take precautionary measures to make sure he was kept in the thick of things. If they were going to do this thing, then they were going to do it with him when the time came.

"May I ask something of you?" Castle asked as he watched her make her tea.

She turned to face him, "Sure."

"I know that if Kate doesn't find what she's looking for in regards to Shadow that the two of you are going to start digging," he began.

She nodded hesitantly in agreement, figuring it wouldn't do to lie and say they weren't.

"If you find something, and I mean anything regardless of how big or how small, I want you to tell her about it when I'm present. Don't tell her one on one, I want to know about everything that either one of you finds. Can you do that for me?"

Johanna was quiet for a moment as she regarded him and then she shook her head in agreement, "I can do that for you, Rick."

He smiled at her, "Thank you," he said and then he glanced at his watch, "I better get going."

Johanna followed Rick back to the living room and stood with him at the door.

"Now what?" she asked as she smiled at him and his worried expression.

"I feel bad for the things I said and how they could've been taken," he stated.

"Don't," she told him, "You're supposed to feel better now that you've gotten that off your chest."

"On one hand, I do feel better, but on the other I don't."

"Why?"

"Because you're Kate's mother and I like you, I respect you, and you feel bad enough already."

She smiled, "It's okay. I know that the things you said came from that place in your heart where Kate resides. I'm not angry with you and if it seemed as though I was, I apologize. I'm angry with myself and with this nameless tormenter who's destroyed our lives."

Castle nodded in acceptance, "Do you feel better?" he asked, "You must've been holding all that back for a long time."

She took a breath, "Honestly, I do feel some better," she admitted, "And for some reason, I feel a little tired."

"Holding all that in is probably exhausting."

"It can be," she said, "But I'm walking on a thin narrow line with the two people who matter most to me. I can't afford to wobble much in regards to what I say or do, so I just keep it inside."

"I understand."

She looked at him and laughed softly, he was still worried about offending her.

"Don't worry, Rick, I'll still be happy to be your mother-in-law one day."

His eyes widened in surprise and then he laughed at the mischievous look on her face. "That's something that neither of my former mother-in-law's have said."

She laughed, "Maybe you didn't have the right one."

"Obviously not."

"I'll be a nice mother-in-law," she said, "I'll cook holiday meals and babysit the grandchildren."

"Are you applying for the job?"

"Is there an offer on the table?"

"Not at the moment."

"But it's possible one day?" she teased.

"I guess that depends," he said cryptically, "On a certain person…who shall remain nameless."

Johanna laughed, "You know, Katie still has a new dress hanging in the closet, waiting to be worn for a special occasion."

"Are you matchmaking?" he said with a grin.

"No," she said innocently, "I'm just reminding you that you said you may be able to provide an occasion that would require that dress."

"I remember."

"Well?"

Castle chuckled but then the idea of a night out with Kate took root in his mind. It would be nice to take her somewhere nice, to enjoy themselves and forget about their troubles for awhile, especially after the evening they had shared the night before.

He smiled at Johanna, "I feel safe in saying that she'll soon find a reason to wear that dress."

"Good."

"I better go get her coffee and get going," he said as he reached for the doorknob, "Do you need anything?"

"No," she answered, "Jim will be here in a little while."

"Don't forget to lock the door," he reminded her as he pulled it open.

"I won't," she answered, but then something came to mind and she just couldn't resist.

"One last thing, Rick."

"What?"

"A piece of advice."

"Oh?" he said, "About what?"

"Women," she said with a smirk.

He grinned, "I can use all the advice I can get in that area."

She looked him in the eye and smiled, "It's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort."

The comment puzzled him, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's for you to think about," she said, her lips still upturned in a smile that hinted of a feeling of victory that he didn't comprehend, "Have a nice day, Rick."

"You too," he said as he stepped into the hallway, the words running through his mind once again as he heard the locks click into place.

He stood there a moment, pondering it and feeling as though Johanna Beckett had just played the 'protective mama' card and struck some sort of defensive blow in the name of her child. He shook the thought away, he'd figure it out later, he had other things to mull over, like planning an evening out for a certain detective.

_Authors Note: Yes, you read that right, there is a date night in the cards for a certain writer and detective ;)_


	23. Chapter 23

_Authors Note: Sorry for the longer than usual wait! I hope you enjoy this one. Thanks for your reviews_

_To my friend L, this chapter is for you, with my gratitude as always. Thanks for taking me under your wing. Happy Belated Birthday!_

Chapter 23 –Crazy For You

'_You're so close but still a world away, What I'm dying to say is that I'm crazy for you, touch me once and you'll know it's true' – Madonna_

"You pushed me over a fence," Kate exclaimed as she and Castle swept through the door of her apartment.

"I did not!" he exclaimed in his own defense as Jim and Johanna turned their attention to the duo.

"What the hell happened to the two of you?" Johanna exclaimed once they turned in her direction and she got a good look at them.

They were filthy, their clothes and faces streaked with dirt. Kate's hair was tousled; the sleeve of her blouse torn, her hands cut and scrapped and one knee of her dress pants was ripped out, leaving a bloody gash on her knee visible. Castle didn't look much better; his hands were in the same shape as Kate's, his suit jacket torn, and a faint purplish bruise on his cheek.

"We ran into a suspect who wasn't big on the idea of being arrested," Castle answered.

"And don't forget the part where you threw me over a fence," Kate stated.

"I did not!"

Maternal instinct had Johanna on her feet and crossing the room towards her daughter and when she reached her side she inspected her minor wounds.

"Go into the kitchen," she instructed, "I'll clean these cuts for you."

"They're fine," Kate told her, "I just need to change clothes."

"They're full of dirt," her mother stated firmly.

"Don't worry about it," she told her; and then she wished she hadn't as her mother gave her _the look_.

"Now, Katherine."

Castle laughed at her, "You better listen to your mother, Katherine," he taunted playfully, "You might get grounded."

"Shut up."

"You go and have a seat in the kitchen too, Rick," Johanna said as she took his hands and looked over them.

"Me?" he cried.

She nodded, "Yours don't look any better than hers."

"But cleaning them hurts," he stated.

"Only for a second."

He shook his head, "I'll pass."

It was Kate's turn to laugh as Johanna gave him _the look _daring him to defy her. He squirmed under her narrowed gaze.

"That look shouldn't work on me," he complained, "You're not _my _mother."

"Do I need to call your mother?" Johanna threatened.

"No."

"Then go sit down."

"Fine," he relented, "I'll indulge you and your maternal instincts."

She smiled, "Now was that so hard?" she asked before turning on her heel and heading towards the bathroom to gather her supplies.

"Where were you chasing a suspect that caused you to end up like this?" Jim asked as he followed them into the kitchen.

"A construction site," Kate answered as she sat down and gingerly pulled her pant leg up exposing the gash in her knee.

"That doesn't look good, Katie," Jim stated.

"It looks worse then it is," she replied.

"I'll be the judge of that," Johanna stated as she entered the room and laid out her supplies on the table and then prepared a small bowl of warm soapy water.

She pulled out the chair next to Kate and then took hold of her daughter's leg and positioned it so she could easily clean and bandage it.

Kate caught her eye and smirked, "It's been awhile since we've done this."

Her mother laughed softly as she dipped a clean cloth into the warm water, "It brings back memories though, doesn't it?"

She nodded, "Yeah, it does. It brings back all of those painful memories of crashing my bike, or falling off of it."

"Do you want to tell me how this happened?" Johanna asked as she began to clean the gash on Kate's knee.

"We were chasing a suspect and he disappeared on us," she began, "There was a construction site across the street from the building we were at and we figured that was where he went. So we go over there and they have this big wooden privacy fence around the whole site, and there's a padlock on the door. I figured he had found a way in, or managed to climb over as I could hear someone running on the other side. It was too tall for me to see over, so I made the mistake of asking Castle to give me a boost."

"Hey, I gave you a boost like you asked, like I've done in the past. Everything was fine at that point," Castle said in his own defense.

Johanna smiled as she continued her work, "Go on."

"I caught sight of the guy," Kate said, "And I told Castle to hold on to me as I climbed over; but instead of helping me, he pushes me and I fall over the fence."

"I did not push her!" Castle exclaimed, "She slipped just as I was adjusting my grip on her."

"You pushed!"

"I didn't!"

Jim tried not to laugh; he really tried not to, but as he imagined the scene in his mind he just couldn't stop himself and the laughter bubbled up within him and escaped his lips.

Kate glared at him, "You're laughing?" she asked, "I tell you he pushed me over a fence and you laugh? You're my father! Shouldn't you be threatening him for causing me injury?"

"Really, Jim," Johanna said with an amused smirk on her face as she looked at him, "You are her father; do your job."

He got a grip on his laughter and looked at Rick with a humorous sparkle in his eyes.

"Alright, Rick, as Katie's father it's my duty to inform you that if you ever do something like this again, I'll have to hurt you."

Castle nodded and smiled, "I understand."

"On the other hand though," Jim said, "I can understand the desire to throw her over a fence."

"What!" Kate exclaimed.

Her father chuckled and Castle grinned at the man.

"She does take after her mother," Jim continued, "So I can sympathize with the feeling. God knows there were moments when I was tempted to throw her mother somewhere."

Castle laughed as Johanna's head snapped up, her gaze locking on her husband.

"Excuse me?" she said, "Would you like to give that a try now?"

"Maybe some other time," he said with a grin, "We don't have a fence."

"We could improvise," Kate said, "Pretend the table is a fence."

"No, that's okay."

"Come on, Dad," Kate taunted, "I want to see how fast she gets up and kicks your ass; because I have to tell you, I think she could take you if she was mad enough."

Johanna smiled, "You can bet on that one."

"Only because I wouldn't fight back against her," Jim said as he smiled at his wife.

Johanna shook her head as she bandaged Kate's knee, "So what happened after you were allegedly pushed over the fence?"

"She called me names that weren't very nice," Castle said, "And I'm sure you raised her better than that."

"I was justified," Kate said, "I was the one laying face down in the dirt with the skin ripped off my knee."

"I climbed over after you!" he exclaimed, "And those boards were rough," he complained, holding up his hands, "Look, I got splinters while coming to your rescue."

"Oh poor you," Kate said sarcastically as her mother took her hands and held them over the bowl as she poured peroxide over her cuts and scrapes.

"They hurt, Beckett," he whined and then he looked at Johanna, "Hey, Florence Nightingale, do you do splinter removal?"

She looked at him as Jim burst into laughter once more.

"What did you call me?"

He gave her a boyish grin, "I called you the benevolent Queen Johanna."

She smirked at him, "That's what I thought you said."

"Although it suspiciously sounded like Florence Nightingale," Kate stated.

"It did, didn't it?" her mother agreed.

"So do you do splinter removal?" Castle asked.

Johanna smiled at him, her eyes glittering with mischief, "Oh yes, Rick, I'll rip those right out for you."

"Rip?" he questioned.

Kate laughed, "Sorry now, aren't you, writer boy?"

"Maybe I'll just keep the splinters."

Her mother shook her head, "Can't do that, they might get infected. They'll have to come out."

"Did you ever catch this guy?" Jim asked.

Kate nodded, "After we chased him around the site a few times."

"And a construction site is not the best place for a chase," Castle commented.

"He's right about that," she said as she eyed the torn sleeve of her blouse, "Between getting caught on nails and tripping over things; it's almost impossible."

"But I did tackle him," Castle announced, "I tackled him for her and he hit me."

"Yeah," Kate said, "And while you were on the ground holding your face, I tackled him."

Both of her parents were choking on their laughter and she smirked as she rolled her eyes at them.

"So is the case closed?" Johanna asked her as she put antibiotic cream and band aids on the worst of Kate's cuts.

"No," they both said.

"No?" she questioned, "You said you got him."

"Yeah, we got him, but he alibied out, he's not our killer."

Johanna looked at her, "You went through all of this and he isn't the one?"

She nodded, "And believe me, Mother, no one is more pissed about that than I am."

Jim and Castle shared a look as the term 'mother' slipped easily from her lips.

"Why did he run then?" she questioned.

"He thought we were after him about his numerous traffic tickets and fines," Castle supplied.

"Seriously?" Jim asked.

"Seriously," Kate said, "And since this case is still going on…and giving me a headache in the process, you better plan on staying here again tonight," she told her father; as they had made an agreement that he would stay with them while Kate was working this case, which had her being called to work at all hours.

"I bet that's a real hardship for you, Jim," Castle teased.

He nodded, "You have no idea how much of a hardship it is to be asked to spend the night with a beautiful woman."

Johanna smiled softly at her daughter, "Don't worry, Katie, you'll get him."

"Eventually," she agreed, "Are you done with me now? I'm anxious to see Castle's splinter removal."

"You're finished," she told her and then she shifted her gaze to Castle and smiled. "Come on over here, Rick."

He shook his head, "I changed my mind."

She laughed as she looked at Kate, "Trade him seats while I go get what I need for splinter removal."

"Your turn, Castle," Kate taunted as she got up from her chair.

"You may as well go over there and sit down," Jim told him, "She'll just come to you if you don't."

He sighed dramatically as he rounded the table and dropped into the chair that Kate had vacated. Johanna returned with a sewing needle and her glasses and retook her seat.

"Need your glasses for this procedure, Sassy?" Jim teased, using the nickname Jeff had given her decades before.

"Shut up," she laughed as she slipped them on.

"You better watch, Dad, she might throw you somewhere."

He shook his head, "I'd talk her out of it."

"That's what you think," she said as she reached for Castle's hands.

"Be gentle," he told her.

Johanna looked at him, "Rick, I've patched up men before."

"Do you have references?" he teased as she looked over his hands.

She laughed, "Jim's still alive and I've been patching him up since before we were married."

"That's your only reference?" Castle asked, "He's going to be biased if I ask him about your nursing skills."

"Well there was that time when I had to patch up him and his friend Jeff after they had been involved in a bar fight," she stated.

Castle looked to Jim and smiled, "Jim, were you brawling? That doesn't seem like you at all."

He laughed, "What can I say, Rick, that was before Johanna dragged me to the altar and pledged her life to reforming me."

His wife shot him a loving glance before picking up her sewing needle and digging at the first splinter in Castle's hand.

"What was this bar fight about?" Kate asked; her interest piqued by the topic.

"They never would tell me," Johanna stated, "They just showed up at my door at midnight wanting Band-Aids."

Kate laughed, "Were you together then?"

"No."

She glanced to her father, "You weren't with her but she was the one you went to to fix you up after a fight?"

Jim smiled, "Well we had gotten thrown out of the bar along with the people we were fighting with and someone mentioned that the police might be on their way so we figured we better get out of there. Your mother's apartment was nearby and we knew she'd let us in so that's where we went."

"So what was this fight about?" she asked again.

"Doesn't matter," he stated.

"That's what you told me the night it happened," Johanna replied.

He shrugged, "It didn't matter."

"If it didn't matter," she said as she lifted the first splinter from Castle's skin, "It wouldn't have been worth fighting over."

"Must've been about a woman," Castle commented as Johanna went to work on the next splinter.

"I always had that feeling too," she answered.

Kate eyed her father, "And I have a feeling she's in this room right now."

"It was a long time ago," Jim said, "It doesn't matter."

"Was it about me?" his wife questioned.

He looked at her, "I think you already know, Johanna. I think you knew as soon as you found out who I had punched."

They were all quiet for a moment as she removed the splinter and then started in after the next. Castle caught Kate's eye and she shrugged, telling him that she had no idea about this incident in her parent's past.

"So what was said about me that caused you to punch a junior partner in the law firm?" Johanna asked quietly.

"You didn't need to know then and you don't need to know now," Jim told her, "All you need to know is that I took care of it and Jeff took care of his friend."

"That bad was it?" she asked as Kate and Castle listened with interest.

"Bad enough," he stated as his jaw tightened at the memory.

Johanna could just imagine what Stanley Carmichael had said about her; she had earned his undying hate when she had called him out on mistakes he was making with the preparation of a large case they were working on and after that he had made it his mission to make her life hell; and two days previous to that bar fight, she had a go around of her own with Carmichael and he had humiliated her in front of half of their colleagues and she had spent the evening afterwards crying on Jim's shoulder as he grew livid about the situation she'd been forced to endure.

She caught her husband's eye and smiled warmly, "Thanks."

"For what?"

"For punching Stanley Carmichael in the face."

He laughed, "I was happy to do it; especially for you."

"I'm just glad you and Jeff didn't lose your jobs over it."

"We talked about that on our way to your place," Jim admitted, "We figured there were plenty of law firms in New York, we'd find work at one of them or start our own and we'd take you with us, because we weren't leaving you alone with them."

She laughed, "You wouldn't have had to ask me twice to come along."

Castle smiled at the conversation and he watched as Kate did the same as her gaze shifted back and forth between her parents. He liked hearing their story, from Kate and from their own perspectives. The majority of people would probably classify their relationship as ordinary and uneventful but he couldn't help but think those people would be wrong. He looked at them and he saw two people who had began as friends and had fallen madly in love with each other. Jim and Johanna were among those lucky few who had a grand love affair; one that endured the test of time and a tragic separation. A love affair that seemed to be catching its second wind in the throes of their reunion. They still looked at each other with eyes full of love; there was still the undercurrent of passion between them, the gestures that spoke of protectiveness and support among other things. He thought it was beautiful, and he could understand why Kate used that relationship as the model for what she wanted in her life. He didn't blame her a bit, he wanted to have a story like that too, and he felt that it had already begun with Kate.

Kate looked at her father and smiled, "That's so sweet, Dad, defending her honor like that."

He smiled and wrapped an arm around his daughter, "I guess it's safe to admit that I had a soft spot for her," he told her.

She laughed, "Obviously."

He chuckled, "It was a rapidly growing soft spot at the time of that incident."

Johanna looked up from her work and smiled at him, "I had a soft spot for you too."

"See, Rick," Jim said, "If you want to impress a woman, you go out and hit someone who's said something offensive about her."

He grinned and then looked at Kate, "Just so you know, I wouldn't hesitate to hit someone in the name of your honor."

"You better defend her honor if it's called into question," Jim told him.

"You have my word on it," Castle promised.

Kate smiled warmly, "Well, in that case, I guess I can forgive you for the fence incident today."

"I still don't think it's my fault, but I'm willing to accept your offer of forgiveness."

"Rick," Johanna said, "When a woman offers to forgive you, you never accept that with a statement that begins 'I still don't think it's my fault', you just thank her for being gracious."

"Maybe you should write me a handbook," Castle told her, "It might save me a lot of trouble."

She laughed lightly, "Maybe the next time I'm bored, I'll sit down and do that for you."

He then turned his attention to Kate who was smirking at him, obviously amused by the fact that her mother didn't hesitate to call him out.

"Since your mother was kind enough to correct me, allow me to accept your forgiveness in the appropriate manner," Castle stated, his blue eyes sparkling merrily.

"Are you mocking me?" Johanna asked, "Because I can stop being gentle with this needle."

"Of course not," he answered, "I'm just trying to do this right. Now, Kate, thank you so much for being the wonderful, gracious woman you are and forgiving me for today's incident. Apparently you're compassionate nature comes from your mother"

Kate laughed and Johanna dug at the last splinter with a tad bit more gusto then she had been.

"Ow!" he cried.

"Sorry."

"Sure you are."

She smiled and lifted the last splinter out of his skin. "There, Rick, all of the splinters are out."

He smiled, "Good, thank you."

He moved to get up from his seat and but she didn't let go of his hands.

"Sit back down, you're not done yet."

"But the splinters are out."

"These cuts and scrapes still need cleaned," she admonished as he plopped back down in the chair.

"Fine."

"I knew you'd see it my way," she said as she reached for the peroxide.

"Not the peroxide!" he cried.

Johanna looked at him, "What did you think I was going to use?"

"Soapy water."

"Wrong," she said, "You saw me use it on Katie."

"But that stuff stings!" he cried.

"Oh don't be a baby," Johanna told him as she poured the peroxide onto the cuts, "It'll only sting for a minute."

"I bet Florence Nightingale wouldn't have said something like that," Castle stated.

She grinned at him, "Well you're about 100 years too late if you want Florence Nightingale to fix you up."

"So I'm stuck with you?" he asked.

"Do you want me to put those splinters back in?" Johanna asked as she repeated the procedures of antibiotic cream and band-aids for the worst of his cuts.

"No thanks, you took them out, they're yours now."

She laughed, "What do you think I could get online for Richard Castle's splinters?"

"Don't go giving him ideas," Kate said with a laugh, "He'll have them on eBay before nightfall."

He shot her a look, "What are you saying, Beckett?"

"I'm saying I know you and your ego, you'd love to put those online along with some heroic story about how you got them in the line of duty while helping the NYPD; and then you'd sit back praying they fetch a higher price then a lock of hair from a current less talented celebrity."

He thought about it for a moment, "When you put it like that, it does sound like a good idea."

"See what you've done?" Kate asked her mother.

She smiled, "I can fix it," she said as she picked up the napkin that she had placed the splinters on and threw it into the trash can.

Castle looked at her in mock horrified shock, "You threw away my splinters!"

"You pushed my daughter over a fence," Johanna stated, "Now were even."

He shifted his gaze to Kate, "Now I know where you get your vindictiveness."

She laughed, "You could've just asked, I would've told you."

"You're all finished, Rick," Johanna told him, "I'm sorry I don't have a sticker or a sucker to give you for being a brave boy."

Castle looked to Jim, "I don't know how you survived living with both of them."

He laughed, "There were times when I wasn't sure I was going to make it."

Kate got up from the table, "I'll change clothes and clean up and then we can get going."

Castle nodded, "I hope Ryan and Esposito are done laughing by the time we get back."

"They better be," Kate said, "Or I'll have to punish them."

"Better then them than me," he called behind her.

She laughed, "The day's still young, Castle. There's probably still plenty of opportunities for me to punish you."

In the elevator Kate caught Castle glancing at her from the corner of her eye.

"What Castle?" she asked.

"I was just wondering if you wanted me to kiss your booboos and make them better."

She laughed, "No."

He grinned, "You want to kiss mine?"

She smirked at him and then she moved closer and brushed her lips across the light bruise on his cheek.

Castle smiled and then took her hands and brought them to his lips and gently kissed the cuts that were still exposed.

She smiled at him fondly, "All better," she told him.

He pulled her into a hug, "I'm sorry," he told her.

"It's alright, Castle," she told him, "But thanks for this," she stated as she held on to him a little tighter, "I needed this."

He pressed a kiss against her hair, "Anytime, Detective. Anytime."

* * *

Kate got home late that night, and Johanna took in her tired features as she kicked off her shoes and dropped her purse onto the stand.

"Any luck?" she asked her.

"No," she replied tiredly.

"Did Rick push you anymore?" Jim asked; a hint of a smile on his lips.

"No," she said, with a soft laugh, "He behaved himself."

"If you need me to have a word with him again," Jim teased, "You let me know."

Kate nodded, "Yeah, I'll do that, then you two can swap stories and share looks of sympathy for each other."

Johanna laughed, "Maybe they can start a support group."

"We probably need one with the two of you around," Jim stated.

Kate laughed but it soon turned into a yawn.

"You look tired, Katie," her mother said; concern evident in her tone.

"I am."

"Did you have anything to eat?" she asked her, "I could make you something."

"We ordered in food at the precinct," she told her, "But thanks anyway. I'm just going to get a shower and go to bed while I can before the phone rings."

"Do you think you're going to be called out, Katie?" Jim asked.

"It seems like I'm constantly being called out with this case, Dad," she remarked as she walked towards the hallway.

"Goodnight," he told her.

"Goodnight, Katie," her mother said softly.

"Goodnight," she said, "Double check the door before you go to bed."

Her phone rang at 4:30, just as she expected and she crawled out of her bed and got ready for her return to work. She called Castle and then she crossed the hallway and knocked on her mother's door. After a few moments Johanna opened it and stepped into the hallway with her as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"Sorry to wake you again," she told her.

"It's alright," she told her as they made their trek to the door, "I just wish you didn't have to go out so early in the morning. It's still dark."

Kate smiled softly, "It's okay, I'm not afraid of the dark."

"It's not the darkness that worries me so much," Johanna replied, "It's what may be out there lurking in it."

"I'll be fine," she told her, "Don't worry about it."

Her mother looked at her, "How can I not worry about it, you're my baby."

She rolled her eyes, "I haven't been a baby in a long time."

"You'll always be my baby no matter how old you are," Johanna told her, "And you'll just have to forgive me for those moments when I look at you and see you as that little girl who used to slide across the kitchen floor in pink ballet slippers, and a plastic tiara on your head, saying 'Watch me, mommy'."

She smiled wistfully, those memories pushing forward from the back of her mind, "I suppose I can overlook that."

Johanna smiled, "And while you're overlooking that; overlook the fact that once in awhile it dawns on me what you do…and that maternal urge I have to wrap you up in a cocoon and keep you safe."

Kate looked at her, and in her eyes she saw that her mother was still adjusting to being the parent of a cop, and the worry that came with it and it softened her a bit in regards to these early morning musings.

"You'll get used to it," she told her.

Her mother looked at her skeptically but she nodded and smiled indulgently.

"Lock the door and go back to bed," Kate said; and then she smiled, "Sleep deprivation makes you sappy and sentimental."

Johanna laughed quietly, "Guess you'll have to overlook that too."

"I'll add it to the list."

"Be careful," she told her as she opened the door and stepped outside.

"I will," Kate promised, "I'll call later."

Johanna closed the door and locked it and then turned out the lamp that Kate had clicked on and made her way back to her bedroom. She slipped back into bed and curled up against her husband.

"Is she gone again?" he asked quietly.

"Yes."

"What time is it?"

"Early," she whispered, "Nearly five."

"She'll be alright," he told her as he heard the worry in her voice and pulled her closer.

"She told me I'll get used it…have you gotten used to it?" she asked.

"I guess in some ways I have," he replied, "Of course that doesn't mean that I still don't worry, because I do."

"I wouldn't think for a moment that you don't worry."

"Maybe it's more like you get used to the worry," he told her.

"Great," she said, her voice a mixture of sarcasm and sleepiness.

He laughed softly against her hair, "Go back to sleep, Johanna, you'll feel better when you wake up later."

She nodded against him and then forced herself to not think about her daughter out there somewhere with her team chasing down a new lead or suspect. Instead, she made herself think about how comforting it was to once again share her fears with her husband, and to have his arms around her as she drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Jim couldn't tear his eyes away from Johanna as she shuffled around the kitchen, cleaning up after the breakfast she had made for them. There was a sense of normalcy that he found in the quietness; a feeling of contentment at the knowledge that he had spent the majority of the last three days, including his nights, with his wife, falling asleep with her in his arms, waking up next to her and beginning a new day the way he used to years ago when this had been his day to day life.

He had offered to help her clean up but she had smiled and told him to read his paper and drink his coffee, she had teased him and told him he was more likely to be underfoot than any real help with washing the dishes and cleaning the surfaces of the table, stove, and counters. He allowed her to do as she pleased but no matter how hard he tried, his attention just couldn't be focused on the newspaper in front of him.

His focus was solely on her and the way she looked bathed in the morning light streaming through the kitchen windows, casting her aglow as she put away the dishes. He smiled as she rose up on her toes to reach the top shelf of the cabinet and then lowered her bare feet back to the cool linoleum of the floor. The red polish on her toenails that matched the polish on her fingernails was beginning to chip, and he knew it wouldn't be long before she pulled out her bottle of nail polish for a touch up. She was still clad in her nightgown of soft white cotton that fell to her knees, the material decorated with tiny pink roses. She had pulled on a thin black robe of the same length, covering the thin straps of her nightgown and her arms from the morning chill that the air conditioning provided although she hadn't bothered to tie it. She felt like being lazy and comfortable, she had told him when they had gotten up. She hadn't even bothered to make the bed and despite running a brush through her a hair, it was still slightly tousled as she had run her hand through it to push it back from her face. She had bypassed her makeup and left her watch and necklace on the dresser.

He didn't mind that she hadn't gone through her usual morning rituals, in fact he preferred her this way. She had commented on that once years before, telling him that she was more likely to hear a compliment from him when she was a mess than when she was fixed up nicely. He remembered that he had laughed softly and pulled her into his arms, telling her that those moments when she felt she was a mess were the moments when he felt she was most beautiful. He had always liked to see her this way, like that time she had taken a day off to stay home and play outside with their three year old. By the time he got home they were both filthy, and as he had looked at her in her old clothes, her hands and face streaked with as much dirt as their daughter's; he had thought that she was stunning.

It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the way she looked when she made an effort. She always looked beautiful to him; he always admired the way she looked in everything from cocktail dresses to work attire, jeans and swimsuits to lingerie and enticing little nightgowns. He loved it all, but he loved her best when she didn't try. He knew that it was important to her, as it was to all women, to look as good as she could, not only for herself but for him as well, but all Johanna ever had to be for him was herself.

"What?" Johanna asked as she realized that Jim was staring at her.

He smiled as he got up from the table and walked towards her, his hands slipping inside her open robe and coming to rest on her waist.

"You're beautiful," he said softly.

"I'm a mess," she whispered, a light blush spreading across her cheeks," I haven't even…"

"You don't need to do anything," he told her, "You're beautiful just the way you are right now."

All these years later and he could still make her heart flutter; she smiled shyly as she caressed his face and then drew him closer for a kiss; his hand moving from her waist to the small of her back.

The kiss ended and their gazes collided, the air between them feeling electrified. It had been an innocent comment, an innocent kiss and yet it had ignited those sparks between them creating a flame that felt too powerful to ignore, drawing them in as desire swiftly built up inside them. Neither of them made an attempt to put distance between them, nor did they speak as they stood there in the quiet of the kitchen, the world feeling as though it was standing still.

Suddenly they were acutely aware of how long it had been since they made love. They could look into each others eyes and see that they were both feeling it, the remembrance of every day of every year that they had been apart; of every night they had spent alone, longing for one another, needing each other. Slowly he lowered his head and her eyes fluttered close as he captured her lips in a searing kiss.

They were playing with fire, she thought to herself, as they once again broke apart in need of air and she became aware of his hand at the side of her face, his fingers tangled in her hair; and she was reminded of when Jeff had accused her of playing with fire and that she might get burned that night long ago and she had made the flippant remark that sometimes when you played with fire, things just heated up. Apparently she had been right; she couldn't help but think, because it was heating up pretty fast at the moment.

He drew her back for another kiss and she felt the warmth of his hand seeping through the thin cotton of her nightgown as it rested against her lower back, holding her against him. His fingers slipped from her hair, trailing down her shoulder and her arm, going wherever they pleased because he couldn't find it within him to stop.

He had walked away the last time when he felt those stirrings of desire for her, but this time…he didn't think he could. He wanted her too badly, needed her too much.

"We shouldn't start something we can't finish," she said breathlessly, as his hands continued to roam over her slowly, his lips moving across her jaw line.

"We can finish it," he whispered, "She's not here."

"It's still her apartment," she answered, as she tried to keep from losing that last ounce of control over her senses.

"She doesn't have to know," her husband said before capturing her lips once again.

"I'll know," Johanna replied as she struggled to ignore the affect he was having on her.

"That doesn't mean you have to tell."

"It's not right," she told him, "We said this wasn't the right place."

"It's only not right if she's here," Jim said as he continued to tempt her.

"We shouldn't," she murmured before his lips captured hers once again.

"But you want to," he whispered.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to."

"I can convince you."

"You think so?"

He held her tighter, "I know exactly how to do it."

"Prove it."

He grinned at her, taking her challenge and lowered his head, his lips finding that spot on her neck that had always driven her crazy and made her knees go weak. He laughed softly against her skin as he felt her melt against him. He was winning.

"Changing your mind?" he asked.

"No," she stammered.

"I'll try again," he said with amusement, returning to that sensitive area on the side of her neck.

"How about now?"

She kissed him, long and passionately, and when she broke it off, she looked at him, "Maybe just this once," she whispered.

He smiled, and briefly kissed her again. "Is that a yes?" he questioned.

She pulled away from him, her mind made up. She held her hand out to him, and he took it and followed her through the apartment.

Once inside her room with the door shut softly behind them, he reached for her once more, and she became aware of the flutter of nerves in her stomach as her arms slipped around him. It was silly to be nervous, especially at her age, after all the times they had done this before but she couldn't help it. It had been so long since he'd touched her, so long since she'd been a wife in every sense of the word and it was like starting over from the beginning. He hadn't been the first, but that first night they were together she had felt these same nerves, the same worries of if she'd be what he wanted, if he'd still think she was beautiful once she was revealed to him.

"Don't tell me you've changed your mind already," he said softly as he sensed the change in her.

"No," she whispered, shaking her head, "I haven't changed my mind," and she hadn't, she wanted him to make love to her, to feel him against her, to have him drown out all the thoughts in her head and make her forget the madness they were forced to contend with.

He kissed her tenderly, as if he had sensed what her issue was and his touches became softer, less hurried, just as he had done that first night and she smiled at him, her heart warm with the knowledge that he could still read her, that he still put her feelings ahead of his own.

Jim knew she was nervous, although he didn't understand why, so he slowed down the pace, remembering the things he had told her about that night in Atlantic City, about how he had wanted to make her feel and he still wanted to make her feel that way. He didn't want to rush her, not when they had waited so long and so he forced himself to show restraint, to remember all the ways she liked to be touched and kissed and he continued on that path until he felt that nervous tension leave her body, and her fingers on the buttons of his shirt.

She opened the first few buttons and allowed her fingers to slip inside, eager to feel his skin against her fingertips. His breath caught, forcing his lips away from hers and she took the opportunity to kiss the skin that she had exposed. His hands were growing more insistent as they glided over her hips and along her rib cage, making their way to her shoulders were he took hold of the soft material of her thin black robe and slipped it off of her, allowing it to flutter to the floor as he kissed the skin that had been uncovered by the action. His shirt soon joined it and he backed her towards the unmade bed, gently pushing her down. She pulled him down with her, anxious to feel his weight against her as their kisses reached a new level of intensity. Her nervousness had been replaced by anticipation as his hand glided up her leg, making its way beneath the hem of her nightgown. There was a brief thought in her mind that she should stop this, that it really wasn't the right place, but she couldn't. She wanted it too badly and there was his mouth against her neck again, the sensation of his hands exploring her body as he slowly dragged the material of her nightgown higher. And then her phone rang, startling them and breaking the spell, causing them to reluctantly pull apart.

"It's Atlantic City all over again," he muttered as his forehead fell against hers.

She laughed softly as she tried to slow down her breathing, "I'm pretty sure it isn't Jeff this time."

He nodded, "It's probably your daughter."

"Mine? I thought she was yours."

Jim shook his head, "When her timing sucks, she isn't mine. In fact I'm thinking of disowning her at the moment."

"You can't do that," she said, although at the moment she wasn't too pleased with her herself. She shifted out from under him, her eyes scanning the nightstand and the dresser for her phone.

"Where's my phone?" she asked.

"I don't know," he said as he settled against the pillows, "It sounds close, where was the last place you remember having it?"

Johanna thought for a moment; she remembered picking it up from the nightstand that morning and she had put it in the pocket of her robe. She scrambled off the bed, snatching the robe up off the floor and fumbled with the pocket as she reached inside it for her phone which was still ringing.

Kate's name was flashing across the screen as expected. "What?" she said as she answered.

"What the hell took you so long to answer the phone?" Kate demanded to know.

"I couldn't remember where I laid it down," Johanna said, figuring it was partially true.

"You're not supposed to be laying it down somewhere and forgetting about it," Kate chastened, "It's supposed to be with you at all times."

"Well I'm sorry," she responded somewhat sharply, hating that her daughter sounded like she was lecturing a five year old, "Sometimes I put it down for a minute, sue me."

Kate's brow rose at her mother's tone, "What are you so cranky about?" she asked her, her own tone taking on a hint of sharpness.

"Do I have to have a reason?" her mother asked, although as she looked at her husband who was lying in her bed, trying not laugh, and she couldn't help but think she had plenty of reasons to be cranky.

"I don't know, do you?" Kate retorted.

"Maybe it's because you're yelling at me," Johanna said, after all she couldn't tell her the truth, and she hadn't liked Kate's tone of voice anyway.

"I'm not yelling at you."

"Yes you were," she replied, "What's your problem, are you cranky?"

"Maybe I am," she responded.

"Do you have an excuse?" Johanna retorted.

"My excuse is that I'm having a bad week, and I have a mother at home who didn't answer the phone as quickly as she usually does and I about had a heart attack!" she exclaimed.

"I said I was sorry," Johanna told her, "What more do you want."

"You can try and get over your crankiness before I get home," her daughter told her.

"And when will that be?" she asked.

"The usual time."

"Good."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate asked.

"It means maybe you'll be over your crankiness by then."

Kate gave a short laugh, "I think we better hope we both are or it might get ugly between us tonight."

"I'll see what I can do," Johanna stated.

"And keep your damn phone with you," she told her, "If I rush home thinking something's wrong, and I come through that door and find out the only problem you're having is that you lost your phone after I've repeatedly told you to keep it with you at all times, I'm going to be pissed."

"I get the point," her mother said, "Goodbye."

"Are you hanging up on me?" Kate asked.

"Yes," her mother told her, "I'm hanging up on you. Be careful, I love you, I'll see you and your attitude later."

"Goodbye, Mother," her daughter said tersely and then Johanna disconnected the call.

Johanna looked to her husband, "And _that_," she said, waving the phone at him, "Is why we can't do _this_, here."

He smiled regretfully at her and held out an arm towards her. She ran a hand through her hair, a part of her wanting to crawl back into bed with him and start over, while the other part of her reminded her that it was most definitely the wrong place to resume that part of their relationship. She didn't know whether she should laugh, cry or be angry; in a way she wanted to do all three. She placed her phone on the nightstand with a little more force than necessary and then she crawled back into her bed and settled into the embrace her husband was offering.

* * *

"I have the feeling I interrupted something," Kate stated as she dropped her phone onto the desk and turned towards her partner.

"Like what?" Castle asked without thought.

She smirked as she looked at him with a raised brow and it clicked in his brain what she obviously meant.

"Oh," he said.

"Yeah."

"What makes you think you interrupted…._that_?" he asked.

She couldn't help but laugh, "The tone of her voice."

"The tone of her voice?"

Kate nodded, "Yeah, you know, that universal bitchy tone people get when you interrupt their…moment with a phone call."

"Ah," he said, "_That _tone."

"That's the one."

Castle laughed as he recalled Kate's end of the phone conversation, "That would explain why it took her so long to answer," he remarked, "And the 'crankiness' you then accused her of."

She laughed, "She was cranky."

"Well it's no wonder," he stated with amusement, "Shame on you, interrupting her like that, she has a lot of time to make up for."

She laughed and shook her head, "I don't even want to think about it…I just hope they weren't on my couch."

Castle chuckled, "That worries you, doesn't it?"

"Wouldn't it worry you?" she asked, "What if it was Martha…on your couch?"

He cringed and shuddered all at the same time, "Don't tell me things like that," he said, "I don't want that image in my head."

She laughed at him, "See, you'd be worried too."

"More like disturbed," he remarked, "And now thanks to you, I feel the need to go buy a new sofa."

"Why?"

"Because god only knows what may have occurred on it when I'm not around."

That thought settled into her head, and she shook it slightly, hoping to knock it loose, "Let's change the subject," she said, "Or I'll be tempted to go buy a new couch too."

"I say we move our mothers in together and then we won't have this problem."

"I say mine needs to go home with her husband, and then they can do what they want and I don't have to know about it."

"If I was you, I'd call first before going home this evening," Castle told her.

"I don't even want to go home now," she stated.

"I don't blame you," he said with a laugh.

* * *

When their embrace had started to show signs of picking up where they had left off before Kate's phone call, Johanna moved back to her side of the bed, putting a bit of distance between them.

"If history truly repeats itself," Jim said, "We'll get it right next time."

Johanna smiled, "Well at least I know you still want me," she said quietly.

"Was there really any doubt?" he asked as he looked at her, "I told you the other night that I wanted you, that's why I left.

She shrugged, "I'm a woman, I always have doubts. And besides, I'm older now."

He shook his head, "I don't care how old you are; I'm always going to want you, I always have. How could you ever think that would change?"

She smiled softly, a blush spreading across her cheeks, "I don't know," she said quietly, "When I was younger and would think of us being this age, a part of me always figured you'd be tired of me and out chasing young, dumb, bimbo's and I'd be sitting at home trying to decide if I should poison your coffee or your dinner."

Jim laughed, "Johanna, did I ever give you reason to think that would happen?"

"No, but it could've been a possibility," she replied, her cheeks growing redder in embarrassment for telling him she had thought those things.

He cupped her face, his thumb caressing her cheek and he looked her in eye, "You're the only woman I want. No one else could ever hope to compare to you."

She kissed him, his words washing over her heart like a soothing balm. As she allowed the kiss to linger and continue, he gently pushed her onto her back and shifted over her until she came to her senses and pushed him back.

"Don't even think about it," she told him.

"Why not?" he asked, "We were thinking about it earlier."

"Yes, we were, and then we got interrupted and the moment was lost."

"It felt like it was making a comeback," he told her.

She laughed, "Yeah, well I've tempted fate enough for today. We're not supposed to be doing this here anyway."

"But we changed our minds, just this once," Jim said with a grin, "Remember?" he asked as he lowered his head to find that spot on her neck once more.

"Don't do that," she pleaded.

He laughed, "But you like that."

"I know," she said, "That's the problem."

"Doesn't seem like a problem to me," he whispered as he went back to work, making her squirm as she fought against the sensation.

She wasn't giving in this time, she told herself, and she pushed him away and scrambled out of the bed, "No," she told him, and then she pushed a lock of hair back from her face and looked at him, "How do I keep letting you talk me into these things anyway?" she asked, "Like in Atlantic City, and that time we broke up and..."

"It usually turns out to be easier than I thought it would be," he said with a laugh as he interrupted her.

"Are you saying I'm easy?" she asked, her gaze slightly narrowed and a hand on her hip.

He shrugged, "Not in the general sense of the word…maybe you're just easy for me."

Her jaw dropped and she gave a short laugh, "I can't believe you said that!"

Jim laughed and got up from the bed and moved towards her, "It's alright, I don't mind."

"I guess not," she said, "You're the one who wins."

"I don't know," he said as put his arms around her, "It always seems like you win too in the situation, at least I never heard any complaints from you."

"Shut up," she said as her cheeks flooded with color.

He laughed and then kissed her, and before she knew it he was drawing her back towards the bed.

"No," she said as she pushed him away, "We have to stop, I don't want to, but we have to, this isn't the place."

"I know," he told her as he let go of her and grabbed his shirt and put it back on, "Maybe I better leave for a little while and then come back."

She knew he was only respecting her wishes but it only served to remind her of how trapped she felt. She didn't mean to say her thoughts aloud but they slipped from her lips anyway.

"Take me with you," she whispered.

He pulled her against him once more, feeling a lump in his throat and he was tempted, so very tempted to just walk out the door with her. He hated this; hated that they felt trapped; that she was in some ways a hostage, locked in this apartment for long stretches of time.

"I didn't mean to say it out loud," she said quietly as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, feeling his distress about her words.

He tightened his hold on her, "Where do you want to go?"

"Home…but I'd settle for anywhere as long as I was with you."

He'd love to take her home but he knew he couldn't. He'd never bring her back once he had her home, but maybe they could slip away some place. Somewhere nearby…just for an hour or two. How hard could it be to sneak her out? He could have her back before Kate got home.

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna asked.

He sighed, "I was wondering if I could get away with sneaking you out for a few hours without Katie knowing."

She shook her head, "You know we couldn't. There's always a car watching the building when she's not here. They would call and tell her and besides, we couldn't even get away with what we were trying to do here."

He gave a short laugh, "I know, but it's so damn tempting."

"She'd be furious if she found out we tried to leave."

"She'd probably take away my visitation privileges," he stated.

"She'd probably take me to work with her and lock me in a cell," Johanna added.

He laughed, "Probably wouldn't be much different."

"I'm sure it's more comfortable here then it is there."

"That's true," he said, and then he pushed her back enough to press a kiss against her forehead, "I'll go out for awhile and give us some space," he told her, "I'll bring you back something to eat in a little while."

She nodded and smiled sadly, "That would probably be best."

"Don't worry," he said, "It won't be like this forever."

"I hope not."

* * *

When Kate walked through her door that evening she was greeted by the sight of her mother sitting on the far end of the sofa, and her father was sitting in the chair.

"Unusual," she thought to herself as she kicked off her shoes and tossed her keys onto the stand. Usually her parents were sitting side by side and the fact that they weren't could only mean two things. Either they had a fight, or they were trying to keep their hands off of each other.

She weighed the evidence; there was that phone call earlier in the day and her mother's crankiness in regards to it, and then there was the slightly guilty looks on their faces. She felt safe in assuming that the distance between them was self-imposed to keep them from being caught in a compromising situation. Kate figured that she'd play along and act oblivious…for the moment, as the atmosphere was already starting to feel awkward.

"What's going on?" she asked as she walked into the room, "It's awful quiet."

"Nothing," they both answered.

She looked between them as she made her way to the sofa and sat down.

"Are you two having a fight?" she asked.

"No," Johanna answered, "Why would you think that?"

"You're usually sitting together," Kate stated.

Johanna deliberately kept her gaze on the television. They had been sitting together about two hours before, but then they had started a conversation that had turned flirtatious and she had kissed him, and before she had known it, things had grown heated once again and it became necessary for them to separate.

"It doesn't mean anything that we're not sitting together," Jim told her.

Kate wanted to laugh so badly but she didn't dare. "Okay," she said, "I guess it's just one of those days around here."

"What's that supposed to mean?" her mother asked.

"It means that apparently you're still cranky and that obviously it's contagious," she replied with a nod towards her father.

"And what about you?" Johanna questioned, "You seem to be happier than you were earlier. Did your day get better?"

She nodded, "Yes it did. We closed the case after lunch."

"Good," they both exclaimed and she thought there might have been the hint of relief in their voices.

"What's for dinner?" she asked.

"There's leftovers in the fridge," Johanna told her, "We ate earlier."

"Without me?" Kate asked, pretending to be offended.

"Your father went and got us lunch."

She turned her attention to her father, "I see how it is," she said, "You spring for a meal when I'm not around."

He smiled, "You're grown up, I don't have to feed you anymore. Rick can buy your meals."

She smirked at him, "I'm going to ignore that comment."

It grew quiet and she looked at her mother, "Are you mad at me?"

Johanna shook her head, "Why would I be mad at you?"

Kate pretended not to notice the smirk on her father's face and kept her gaze on her mother, "Well you did claim that I was yelling at you on the phone this morning."

"You were."

"I wasn't."

"Maybe it just felt like it because you were treating me like I was a five year old," Johanna stated.

She took a breath and let it out, "I'm sorry. I was having a bad morning and when you didn't answer right away like you usually do, I may have panicked. I didn't mean to treat you like a kid."

"I know."

"But you're still mad?"

Johanna finally looked at her, confident that she had schooled herself enough not to give anything away. "I'm not mad at you; now go eat your dinner."

"Bossy and cranky," Kate stated as she got up from the sofa.

Jim got up from his seat as well and grabbed her wrist, "I'm going home, I'll see you later."

"You're leaving already?" she asked him, "You're not going to stick around and watch her make me microwave my own leftovers?"

He smiled at her and then hugged her, "She can take a picture and send it to me."

"Bye, Dad."

"Call if you need me," he told her.

She nodded and moved to the kitchen so they could say their goodbyes.

Johanna followed him to the door and as they stood together she smiled at him and shook her head. He pulled her close and brushed a kiss across her temple.

"Soon," he whispered to her, "You'll come home soon."

"Not soon enough," she replied as she pulled out of his embrace.

"I'll figure something out," he promised.

"Figure what out?"

"A way for us to get out of here for a little while."

She sighed, "That's not going to happen."

He tilted her chin up, and he smiled at her, "You leave it to me."

She nodded but looked unconvinced as his fingers moved from her chin to her cheek.

"Let me see you smile before I go," he told her.

That was a long standing tradition between them, dating back to the earliest days of their relationship. He always asked to see her smile when things were bad for one or both of them; and as always, she smiled for him.

He smiled back at her, "That's better."

She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest.

"I don't know if I should kiss you goodbye or not," he whispered to her, "It seems like we can't be trusted."

She laughed softly as she looked up at him, "Kiss me anyway; you already said that if she closed the case you weren't going to come over until the afternoon tomorrow. I have to have something to hold me over."

He kissed her, twice, and then they forced themselves apart and he walked out the door, leaving her behind again. It couldn't be helped, but she hated that it hurt so much.

* * *

Kate was sitting at the table with the container of lasagna that she had heated up when her phone buzzed, alerting her to a new text message. She took it from her pocket and wasn't surprised to see Castle's name on the screen.

'_How's it going?" _he asked, _"You didn't walk in on anything, did you?"_

She laughed to herself, not wanting to draw Johanna's attention from the living room. _"No, but I think I'm being punished for my interference earlier."_

"_Why do you think that?"_

"_I had to serve myself leftovers," _she replied.

"_That does sound like punishment. I hope you learned your lesson."_

"_The atmosphere isn't good here tonight," _she told him, _"My father has already fled."_

"_The two of you are going to have to talk about it," _Castle told her.

"_Talk about what?"_

"_Sex."_

She almost choked. _"My mother and I had that talk years ago, Castle."_

"_You know what I mean."_

She felt like a teenager as she scanned the kitchen, making sure her mother hadn't slipped in without notice and was in a position where she could read the messages on her phone.

"_I don't want to have that talk with her."_

"_No one wants to have that talk with their mother, but if you're forced to live together, the subject is going to come up."_

"_Did you have that talk with Martha?"_

"_I just stopped cringing from the conversation we had about sofas earlier and now you go and put those images back in my head," _he responded.

She laughed softly, _"Well, does that mean you two had that discussion or not."_

"_We may have had a, shall we say, vague discussion about privacy and discretion."_

"_I really don't want to talk about this with her."_

"_It'll be okay," _he assured, _"You'll only cringe and avoid eye contact for a week or two."_

"_Great," she said, "Because it isn't awkward enough already and nothing's even been said."_

"_The issue isn't going to go away, Kate. You may as well eat your leftovers and go get it over with."_

"_Since you're already experienced in this area, why don't you come and have this talk with her."_

"_No thanks."_

"_Chicken."_

"_Look who's talking."_

"_Watch it, writer boy."_

"_You'll feel better if you just get it over with."_

Kate sighed, _"How am I supposed to do this?"_

"_Just talk about it…without really talking about it."_

She thought about it for a moment, "_I may be able to handle that."_

"_Have a drink afterwards."_

"_Maybe I should have one before."_

"_Have one during," _he typed back.

"_That's even better."_

"_Alright then, get your beverage of choice and go 'not' talk to your mother."_

"_Fine, I'll talk to you later."_

"_Good luck."_

Kate sighed again as she put her phone back in her pocket. What had her life become? She wondered as she put the empty container in the sink and then poured her and her mother a glass of wine.

She carried the glasses into the living room and handed one to Johanna before joining her on the sofa. She thanked her and then silence fell between them as Kate tried to figure out the best way to go about this.

"You want to tell me what was really going on here today?" she asked, figuring she'd give her a chance to confess, before she took Castle's advice on having a vague conversation.

"Nothing's going on," her mother said as she took a sip of wine.

So much for that approach, Kate thought as she took a sip of her own wine. "You sure?"

Johanna looked at her, "Trust me, Kate, nothings going on around here."

She bit back a smile; that was subtle sarcasm.

"Look, about the phone thing…"

"I'm not mad at you," Johanna interrupted, "You were having a bad day and I was being overly sensitive. I'm sorry, and you already apologized. It's fine."

She took another sip, pondering if she should just let this drop or if she should run away from home. In the end she decided to push forward, figuring if she didn't, the issue would just continue to come up like Castle said.

"Listen," she said and then paused as she tried to figure out how to phrase her next thought, "If there was a reason you couldn't answer your phone like you usually do…it's okay."

"I couldn't remember where I put it," Johanna replied, her eyes focused on the wine in her glass.

"That happens and I understand," Kate said uncomfortably, "But you know…if there was a reason that you wouldn't be able to answer your phone…you could always send me a text and tell me and then I wouldn't call….like if you were going to take a shower or something."

Johanna took a long sip of her drink and she saw Kate doing the same. Why did it feel like her daughter was giving her permission to have sex?

"What are you getting at here, Kate?" she asked, avoiding eye contact just as much as her daughter was.

"I think you probably know."

"Oh my god," she muttered, "Why are we having this conversation?"

"I think you probably know the answer to that too."

"Nothing happened," Johanna declared.

"But I got the impression that something was happening before I called, and…"

"And what?"

"And…," Kate repeated, wishing she could just go back and not have this conversation, "It's okay…I don't want to know about it, but it's okay…if something was happening."

"It's not okay," Johanna said as she downed half of her glass, "Nothing about this whole situation is okay."

"I'm not enjoying this either," Kate replied, "It's not like I want to have this discussion with you."

"Then don't."

"Believe me I wouldn't but I figure if I don't…it's just going to keep coming up so we may was well get it over with."

"Nothing happened and nothing's going to happen."

"If it almost happened, then chances are, eventually it's going to happen," Kate stated, "I don't want to think about it but…you know…I'm a big girl now….and I can handle this."

"That's good because I'm not sure I can," Johanna said as she drank the rest of her wine and went to the kitchen to refill her glass.

When she returned to the room, Kate knew she had to keep going.

"All I'm trying to say is that…if you send me a text message telling me you won't be answering your phone, I won't call or worry."

"I can't imagine sending you a text message like that, Kate," Johanna stated, "What am I supposed to say, don't call me, I'm sleeping with my husband?"

It was Kate's turn to down half of the contents in her glass, "No, I'd prefer that you lie to me," she told her, "I can always convince myself that you're really doing whatever it is that you tell me, like washing your hair or doing laundry or something…anything but the truth."

"I think this may be one of the most humiliating moments of my life," her mother stated.

"It's not one of the highlights of mine either," Kate commented.

"Can we just pretend today didn't happen?" her mother asked.

"I wish," she replied, "But we can't."

"I'm sorry," Johanna said.

"For what?"

"I'm sorry that we're having this conversation."

"Me too, but…" she said with a sigh and then she decided it may be less painful for both of them if she was just blunt about it.

"But what?"

"But we're both adults, and it's not like I don't know that you've had sex before. I am the proof of it after all."

"Just shoot me."

Kate laughed, "You know, a long time ago, you told me that we could talk about sex."

"I'm your mother, I'm supposed to tell you that, and besides, I didn't mean my sex life."

"Well it's not like I _want _to talk about yours…hell I don't want to talk about mine, but we're living here together for the time being and things happen and it's fine…let's just give warnings and lie to each other about it, okay."

"Okay," Johanna said, "Can we change the subject now?"

"God I hope so," Kate answered as she finished off her glass of wine.

* * *

They passed the evening in relative silence, and both of them were relieved to say goodnight to each other.

Kate had just settled into her bed and pulled the covers up over her when her phone rang. She groaned, praying it wasn't a call about a body, and reached towards the nightstand and grabbed the phone.

She smiled and relaxed when she saw Castle's name on the screen.

"What, Castle?" she answered.

"I thought I better call and check in," he replied, and from the tone of his voice she could tell that he was smiling.

"We're fine."

"Did you talk to her?" he asked.

She sighed and felt her cheeks growing warm, "Yes."

"How did it go?"

"Well, she downed a glass of wine and asked me to shoot her, and we've avoided eye contact all evening," she told him in a hushed voice even though her mother was across the hallway behind her own closed bedroom door.

"So it went well," he said with a laugh.

She rolled her eyes, "Really? You think that sounds like it went well?"

"It could've been worse," he told her.

"Not by much," she replied.

"May I ask why you're whispering?"

"I don't want her to hear me," she told him.

"You're not in the same room with her, are you?"

"No, I'm in bed," she replied, "And she's in her room."

Castle laughed, "It's cute how this topic turns you into a teenage girl, Beckett."

"Oh like you act any better when the topic comes up in relation to your mother," she retorted.

"Don't do that!" he exclaimed, "It puts things in my head, and I don't want them there."

She laughed, "How do you think I feel."

"Well look at the bright side, you've had the talk and now it's done."

"Thank god."

"And can I just say Detective, that I thank you for allowing me to join you in bed this evening," he said teasingly.

Kate rolled her eye, "Really, Castle, after the day I've had, you think now is the right time to talk dirty?"

He laughed, "Any time can be the right time for dirty talk if you put your mind to it."

"That's what you think."

"Hey I was just trying to do you a favor."

"How is talking dirty doing me a favor?" Kate asked.

"It'll get your mind off your mother's sex life and on to your own."

She laughed, "I wasn't aware that we were having a sex life together, Castle."

"Well we have a fictional one through Nikki and Rook," he claimed, "And besides, there's always the hope that fiction may become reality…isn't there?"

Suddenly she felt like playing with him. "Well, Rick," she said seductively, "I could tell you the answer to that question but then it wouldn't be a surprise."

He was quiet for a moment, "What kind of surprise? A good surprise…or a bad surprise?"

She smiled, "That depends."

"On what?" he asked.

"Do you want me to be _good_, or do you want me to be _bad_?" she asked suggestively.

She heard him swallow hard and she grinned.

"You are an evil woman, Kate Beckett," he declared.

She laughed, "Sweet dreams, Castle."

"I bet you get your evilness from your mother."

"Do you want me to go ask her?" she teased, "I'll tell her you want to know."

"No thanks," he replied, "Maybe I'll just go write a scene for Nikki and Rook."

"Whatever gets you through the night," she told him.

"And here I thought you'd be bothered by the implication of a sex scene."

She laughed, "Your literary threats don't scare me."

"Careful, Detective, it might be misconstrued that you like those scenes."

"If that's what you want to believe, Castle."

He laughed softly, "Is it just me or is there sexiness in the air?"

"Looking at yourself in the mirror again?" she asked.

"So you admit I'm sexy?" he asked and she gave herself a mental slap.

"Goodnight Castle."

"No wait," he said, "It's just getting good."

"And you know what they say, it's better to end on a high note."

"The state of my sexiness is a rather high note, isn't it?" he quipped.

"Only in your mind."

"Apparently it's in your mind too," he remarked, "You're the one who started it."

"And now I'm going to end it," she said, "Because I'm hanging up now."

He laughed softly, "Until tomorrow, Kate."

She smiled, "Until tomorrow."

She ended the call and laid her phone on the stand and clicked off the light. She made herself comfortable and closed her eyes hoping that tomorrow would bring be a better day for all of them.

The next morning as her mother walked her to the door after the awkward breakfast they had shared; Kate turned to her and said, "Are we ever going to be able to look each other in the eye again?"

"I don't know?" Johanna replied, "Will we?"

"I guess there's only one way to find out," Kate replied, "Look at me."

Her mother squeezed her eyes shut, "It might still be too soon, Kate."

She laughed, "I notice that when this topic came up, you suddenly quit calling me 'Katie'."

"You said you preferred 'Kate' anyway," Johanna told her.

"I don't really care so much about it anymore," she admitted, "But that doesn't matter right now. It wasn't my intent to embarrass you or make things uncomfortable between us," she explained.

"I know," she answered as she kept her gaze everywhere but Kate's face.

"Will you please look at me?" she pleaded, "Because I hate this; things have been alright between us for awhile now and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want it to be awkward; I don't want us to not be able to look at each other out of humiliation."

"But it is awkward…and humiliating," Johanna stated in desperation.

"You're my mother," Kate stated, "And you always told me that we…could talk about things like this."

"But...," Johanna began to say but Kate held up a hand silencing her.

"I know, I was a teenager then and you meant that I could come to you about it as an issue in my own life; but like I said last night, we're both adults and if we have to talk about it…then despite being uncomfortable…we should be able to, just like you always said."

Her mother nodded, "I know, I'm being ridiculous, but…"

"It's not a conversation you envisioned us having."

"Right."

"Can you look at me now?" she asked her.

She forced her gaze to her daughter's face and when Kate gave her a small smile she couldn't help but return the gesture.

"See, that wasn't so bad," Kate told her, "Neither one of us has died from embarrassment."

Johanna laughed and then nervously ran a hand through her hair, "It's just…this is your home."

"It's your home too right now."

"But it's…" she sighed, "I thought we weren't going to talk about this anymore."

Kate shifted from foot to foot, "Look, I only brought it up because I know that things are getting better between the two of you, and with that comes the need for privacy, and this arrangement we have here doesn't allow much for that unless we work together. I want to give you your privacy, just like you gave me mine when Castle and I needed to work out our issue, and before that when I asked him to come over and stay with me. I know that's not the same, because we don't have that type of relationship…"

"It's only a matter of time," Johanna interrupted.

"That could be," Kate said, "But the point is, you don't eavesdrop on my phone calls and you don't go poking through my drawers. You respect me and my need for privacy, and I have it better than you, I have more freedom and options; but I respect you and your need for privacy as well."

"I appreciate that," her mother stated as if she were trying to hurry the end of this conversation.

Kate smiled, "Then all you have to do is give me a heads up so I can…not interfere," she told her, "I don't mind a text message that tells me a little white lie, okay?"

"Okay," she stated, "But you're not going to have to worry about it."

"Why not?" she laughed.

Johanna looked at her and smirked, "Because nothing wipes the thought and temptation out of your mind like being given permission from your daughter to go through with it."

She cringed, "Sorry."

"Don't be, it's probably better that way."

"Can you do me a favor?" she asked her.

"What?"

"Let's not tell Dad that we had this conversation."

She laughed, "Do you really think I would?" she asked, "I want to go slam my head off a wall in hopes that it'll make me forget that _I _had this conversation with you."

"Okay then," Kate said, "I think I better go to work."

Johanna nodded, "I wish you would," she told her, "And don't take that the wrong way."

She laughed, "I get it."

"Goodbye, Katie," she said with a smile, "Be careful."

"I will," she said, allowing her hand to brush her mother's arm, "And don't worry, I'll think of a less awkward conversation for tonight."

"Let's just watch television."

She grinned, "That might be a good idea."

* * *

Castle joined Kate at her desk late that morning and she looked at him with a smirk.

"Late night writing?" she asked.

"Wouldn't you like to know," he teased.

"Not really."

"How did it go with your mom this morning?" he asked.

She laughed, "I made her look at me before I left."

Castle chuckled, "She was still avoiding eye contact?"

Kate nodded, "We both were and I didn't want that to get to be a habit so…we had to have a follow up discussion."

"I bet she was glad to see you leave this morning."

"Yes she was," she confirmed, "She even told me so…I was kind of glad to leave too."

"Mothers," he said with a shake of his head.

"Yeah," she said in agreement with his train of thought, "What can you do about them?"

"Put them away when the time is right."

Kate laughed, "Chances are, we'll end up being the ones who need put away."

He shrugged, "That's okay, maybe it'll be peaceful there…and we won't have to worry about their…"

"Stop right there," she said, holding up a hand.

"Right," he said, "Finishing that sentence only opens the door to more disturbia."

"Disturbia?" she questioned, "Has Alexis been listening to Rihanna again?"

"No, it was on the radio," he replied.

Kate's phone rang and she picked it up from its spot on the desk and glanced at the screen.

"Your mom?" Castle asked.

She shook her head, "Dad," she said as she accepted the call, her stomach suddenly unsettled.

"What's wrong, Dad?" she asked.

"Nothing's wrong, Katie, I just wanted to see if you could meet me on your lunch break," her father stated.

"Why?"

"I want to talk to you…alone," he replied.

She was quiet for a moment, still feeling uneasy, "What's wrong?" she repeated, "Has something happened?"

"Katie, I swear everything is fine. I just want to talk to you."

"Why can't we talk when I get home?"

"Because your mother is there."

"What's wrong with mom being there?" she asked.

"Because I want to talk to just you."

She really felt sick now, "That doesn't sound good."

He chuckled, "Relax, Katie, it's nothing bad."

She sighed, "Alright, where do you want to meet?"

"The diner will do," he answered, "What time can you get there?"

Kate glanced at her watch, "How about in an hour?" she asked.

"That's fine."

She ended the call and looked at her concerned partner, "He wants to talk to me…alone…without my mother nearby."

"Is this going to be another…you know…talk about your interference?" he said as he struggled not to laugh.

"If it is," she said, "I'm going to go jump off a bridge, because it was bad enough talking about it with her."

He shook with laughter, "This doesn't seem to be your week."

"No it doesn't," she replied, "I had this case that drove me up the wall, you pushed me over a fence and my mother and father are conspiring to drive me crazy."

"Well at least you haven't had a dull week."

She looked at him, "I think I would've preferred dullness."

* * *

Kate entered the diner an hour later and looked around for a moment before spotting her father at a booth in the back, which was relatively empty of customers as they all seemed to be sticking to the front of the business during the lunch rush.

She made her way back to him, taking a seat across from him. "Okay, what's going on?" she asked.

"It's nice to see you too," he quipped in reply to her abruptness.

She smiled, "Sorry, Hi, Dad."

"That's better."

"What's this about?" she asked again.

"It's about me and your mother," he said.

She forced herself not to smack her head off the table as she internally cringed. Surely this wasn't going to be what she thought…was it?

"What is it?" she forced herself to ask.

"Katie, I want to take your mother out somewhere."

She smiled sympathetically and in relief, "Dad, I would love to let you take her somewhere for a few hours, but I can't risk it."

Disappointment clouded his features for a moment but was then replaced by determination. "We get tired of sitting in your apartment all the time," he stated.

"I know," she answered, "I know that she's tired of being cooped up so much and that you'd like to spend time with her someplace else but I don't know what to tell you."

"You can tell me that I can take my wife out for a couple of hours."

"I'm not trying to be mean," she said with a light laugh; because he was looking at her as if she was keeping his wife from him just to be cruel, "But I just can't let the two of you go out and you know that."

His jaw tightened, "You go out with her!" he exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"Not often," she replied, "And when we do, it's usually only to go to Castle's."

"You've taken her shopping," he accused, "You've taken her to the store."

"Yes I have," she admitted, "But there's something you seem to be forgetting."

"What?"

"I have a badge and gun; when she's out with me she has police protection."

"We can take a gun with us," he remarked, "Trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to use it."

"I don't doubt that," Kate said; and she didn't, she knew he'd do anything in his power to keep her safe, "But what if one of your friends saw you, someone who knows both of you?"

"Someone could see her if she's with you," Jim retorted, "You already had a close call; you saw Melanie at Macy's."

"Yeah, I did, but I spotted Melanie before she spotted us and I was able to keep her from seeing mom; and do you know what I learned during that conversation with Melanie?"

That was the second time that day that she had referred to Johanna as 'mom' to him, he thought to himself, filing that away to think about later as he turned his attention to her question.

"What?" he asked, "I thought we already talked about that conversation."

"The fun parts," she answered, "I'm talking about the part where she brought up how Jeff had mentioned that you had been acting secretive. They're getting suspicious of you, Dad; they think something's going on. That's why I had that talk with you not too long ago about keeping up appearances with your friends, doing what you normally do, including taking those calls you get sometimes about helping people prepare their cases. We don't want anyone getting too curious about what you're doing in your spare time."

"I understand all of that," he stated, as he briefly thought about how Jeff no longer needed to be suspicious since he now knew all about it, but he couldn't tell Kate that so he continued on with his original argument, "But can't I take her somewhere, just this once, while things seem to be quiet. Can't you sneak her out to me? Can't we just go to a movie? It's dark at the movies, no one would see us."

She wanted to say yes so badly and allow them to have a bit of freedom for a few hours, but she couldn't and it made her feel terrible inside.

"I know that it's quiet right now and that you think you could easily go out and come back with no problems; and maybe you could, but I can't risk it, I can't let you go out without police protection; not even to a movie. I'm sorry."

He sighed, and a slight look of resignation flickered in his eyes, "Fine, you can come along."

She laughed, "Are you that desperate to take her somewhere that you'll let me chaperone your date?"

Jim nodded, "Yes, just don't sit with us."

"Don't sit with you?" she teased.

He gave a short laugh, "Yeah, pretend like you don't know us and we'll pretend like we don't know you."

"That's tempting."

"It'll be like when you were a teenager and you pretended you weren't with us sometimes," he said as he chuckled.

"I remember," she told him.

"So how about it?" he asked, "I'll take your mother to a movie and you can tag along; I'll even buy your ticket. All you have to do is act like you don't know us and sit somewhere else."

Kate couldn't believe they were having this conversation; even worse, she couldn't believe that a part of her was enjoying it. "And by somewhere else, you mean the row behind you?"

Jim gave her a determined look, "Two rows behind us."

She shook her head, "No deal."

He raised a hand in surrender, "Fine, the row behind us, if that's the best I can get."

"What's in this for me?" she questioned.

Her father looked at her, "I'm paying for your ticket, and you get the personal knowledge that you made your parents happy."

"You think that's ample compensation for having to tag along on your date night?" she asked her eyes shining mischievously.

Jim smirked at her, "You think you're cute, don't you?"

She laughed, "I've been told that I am," she remarked, "I've also been told that it's possible I get it from my mother."

He nodded, "I'd say that's a safe bet."

Kate couldn't help but want to tease him a little, "Does that mean you think she's cute?"

Her father grinned, "I think she's adorable, among other things."

"Maybe I should be asking your intentions," she teased, "I can't allow my mother to go out with just anyone."

He glared at her in amusement, "God I wish I still had the power to ground you."

She giggled merrily and he enjoyed the sound. She was changing, becoming lighter and acting more like the girl she had been long ago and it made his heart swell. He'd missed her, missed that joyfulness that she had inherited from her mother, the way her eyes sparkled with mischief with she teased him. That was his little girl; that was his Katie.

"Do I at least get popcorn?" she asked, breaking his train of thought.

Jim laughed, "Alright, I'll buy you a bag of popcorn, but you better do a good job of acting like you aren't with us once we get inside."

"What about a soda?"

"You want a soda too!"

Kate laughed, "Well I have to have something to wash down the popcorn."

He shook his head, "Fine, I'll throw in a soda."

"Candy?"

"Don't push it," he told her.

She nodded, "Alright, we have a deal. When do you want to do this?"

"On a night when there isn't a chance of you getting called to work," he replied, "If I'm laying out all this money to pay for you to go along and then we all have to leave ten minutes after getting there…I'm not going to be happy."

She tried to stifle a laugh but failed, "I won't be on call Wednesday night, and I'm off Saturday night, so pick one."

"Wednesday night will be fine."

"Okay, Wednesday it is."

Jim leaned back in the booth, "I hope your mother appreciates the trouble I had to go through for her."

"To hear her tell it she had to go through some trouble to date you," Kate remarked.

He smiled, "I didn't want to disappoint her, I knew how much she loved to be challenged."

She smirked, "So it had nothing to do with you not wanting to settle down?"

Jim grinned at her, "Is that any way to talk to the person who's providing your soda and popcorn."

She laughed, "I apologize, don't punish me."

"I can't," he said, "You might make your mother stay home and I'll have to go to the movies by myself."

She shook her head at him and the carried on a light conversation for awhile longer until she glanced at her watch and saw that she needed to be heading back.

She didn't notice someone coming up behind her, but Jim did and he smiled as his friend approached their table.

"Where are you running off to?" Jeff asked as he appeared at Kate's side.

Kate smiled as she turned and looked at her godfather, "I'm going back to work," she told him as he pulled her into a hug, "What are you doing here?"

"I was out running errands and didn't feel like going home yet, so I thought I'd stop here for a cup of coffee," Jeff told her as he looked her over with a warm smile on his lips, "You look good Katie."

"Thank you."

"She looks better than just good, Jeff," Jim stated, "My daughter is beautiful."

His best friend grinned, "Yes, she is, and it's no thanks to you," he remarked, shifting his gaze back to Kate, "Everything you have came from Sassy."

She smiled at the sound of her mother's nickname and she briefly wondered how Jeff would take the news that his honorary sister Sassy was alive.

"So I've been told," she answered and then she grinned and asked the question she had always asked him ever since she was a kid, "Did you bring me any Skittles?"

Jeff laughed, when Kate was a little girl he had always brought her a bag of Skittles whenever he was going to see her; he had even sent her a few packs when she was away at Stanford.

"If I had known that I was going to run into you I would have."

"Well then I guess you'll just have to owe me a bag, won't you?" she teased.

He nodded, "You can hold me to it."

"I will," she laughed and then she glanced at her watch, "I have to get back," she said, moving to her father's side of the table and kissing his cheek, "I'll talk to you later."

Jim nodded and smiled, "Be careful Katie."

"I will," she promised before allowing Jeff to pull her into another hug, "It was nice to see you," she told him.

"You too, Katie bug, don't be such a stranger."

She wrinkled her nose, "Aren't I too old for that nickname?"

He laughed at her, "I'm your godfather, I can call you what I want regardless of your age."

She smiled indulgently and shook her head as she said goodbye.

"Are you heading out too?" Jeff asked once Kate was out of sight.

Jim shook his head, "No, I have time if you want to sit down."

Jeff slid into the booth and signaled for the waitress and after receiving his cup of coffee, he looked across the table at his friend and said, "Katie really does look good. She seems happier; of course I'm sure I can guess why that is."

He smiled, "She does seem lighter, all things considered, but I'm not sure she realizes it, and if she does I don't know if she realizes that a part of it comes from being with her mother."

"What's the other part of it?" Jeff asked.

"What do you think?"

"Her writer?"

"Of course."

His friend laughed, "Have they made it official yet?"

Jim laughed, "Hell no."

Jeff shook his head, "My god, they're the Jim and Johanna of this generation."

"They're worse."

"Is that even possible?" Jeff asked.

"Trust me it is," he said with a chuckle, "I think they've got Jo and I beat."

"Poor Sassy," his friend mused, "I didn't think you were ever going to put her out of her misery and let her reel you the rest of the way in. There were times when I thought I was going to have to make the sacrifice and marry her myself."

"And then I would've had to kill you," Jim stated.

Jeff nodded, "I know; that's why I'm glad she took desperate measures of her own."

"Don't remind me."

His friend laughed, "All these years later and you're still jealous; she did a hell of a good job."

"She gloats about it on occasion."

"So why aren't you with her right now?"

"Because I needed to talk to Katie."

"Something wrong?"

"Yes," Jim said with a nod, "It's wrong that I have to ask my daughter's permission to take my wife to a movie."

He laughed, "Did she say yes?"

"With certain conditions."

"Like what?"

"She's coming along."

"Nothing kills a date like a chaperone," Jeff stated, "Guess we know what won't be happening afterwards."

"Don't remind me of that either," Jim told him.

His friend smirked, "Oh, I take it things between you and Sassy are heating up once again."

"You could say that."

His friend laughed, "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Jim looked at him, "It is when you can't do anything about it."

"What's the problem?" Jeff asked.

"The problem is her living arrangements," he told him.

"But Katie goes to work," Jeff stated, "Doesn't that present…opportunities?"

Jim scoffed, "You'd think that, but then you have to contend with phone calls and sometimes she comes home to check on things and she doesn't always call first."

"Isn't there a pattern to the phone calls…you know, that you could work around?" his friend suggested.

"I thought there was but it turned out I was wrong."

Jeff laughed, "Would I be correct in assuming that the two of you got interrupted by a phone call."

Jim looked at him, "You wouldn't be wrong. It kind of reminded me of a similar phone call in the past."

"Hey, I was in jail, how was I supposed to know the two of you had finally taken everybody's advice and got a room? You could've told me you were busy, I would've understood."

Jim laughed, "But you had already distracted her and ruined the moment."

"Sorry."

"And now Katie's done it."

Jeff shook his head, "Kids...our lives have been nothing but trouble since marriage and kids entered the picture."

Jim laughed, "Isn't that the truth."

"So what are you going to do?" Jeff asked him.

He shrugged, "What can I do besides wait?"

Jeff smiled sympathetically, "While you're waiting, you can think up a better plan."

* * *

"Everything okay with your Dad?" Castle asked on Kate was reseated at her desk.

She laughed lightly as she glanced at him, "He's fine…he just wants to date my mother," she answered.

"That's sweet," he said with a laugh.

"Yeah, it is, it's just a shame I can't allow them to go out on their own."

"Did he really think that was a possibility?" Castle questioned.

"I think the logical side of his brain knew what the answer was going to be but he wants to take her somewhere so badly that I think he convinced himself it was possible and that he could persuade me."

He nodded in understanding, "It must've been disappointing for him when you told him no."

"It was," she replied, "And I sat there and felt terrible because he's looking at me like I'm depriving him of her on purpose."

"I guess it's hard for them to be so restricted," he remarked feeling sorry for the pair.

"I know; that's why we compromised."

"Compromised?"

"Yeah, he's taking her to a movie Wednesday night and I'm going along as the chaperone," Kate stated.

He laughed, "I bet that's so far from the date he'd like to have."

"I'm sure it is," she laughed."

Castle could sympathize with Jim's plight; after all he had been wracking his brain all week trying to think of the perfect evening for Kate and figuring out how to deal with the added complication of Johanna's presence. Yes, he could feel the man's pain; in order to take out one Beckett woman, you had to make arrangements for the other, it was a daunting task, but on the bright side at least he knew he wasn't alone in it.

"I really do feel bad though," Kate said, breaking through his thoughts, "I hate feeling like I'm the person keeping them apart in some way."

"You're not," Castle told her, "It's not your fault and I don't believe for a moment that they blame you in any way."

"I know they don't," she answered, "But I just wish I could give them something more."

"They understand," he assured, "They may be frustrated by it but they understand."

"It would be nice if we could get this over with soon," Kate said, "They have an anniversary coming up in a few weeks."

"When?"

"August 18."

"How many years will it be for them?"

She did some quick calculating, "35 years."

"That's a big one," he said; recalling Johanna's regretful tone as she spoke of the anniversaries they had missed.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, and if they don't get to spend it together after all the ones they've missed…I just know that it will crush her and I'll feel terrible for her, for both of them."

Castle was thoughtful for a moment, "We have a few weeks, maybe we can figure something out for them."

She smiled, "You'd help me do that?"

"Of course I would," he answered, "I like your parents."

"They like you too."

"I think your mother just likes to tease me."

Kate laughed, "Well she gets bored, Castle, she has to have a hobby."

"I can live with that," he said, "At least she hasn't called me macaroni lately."

"Yeah well don't go thinking that she's forgotten about it," she told him, "She's probably just waiting until you least expect it."

"Oh good, I'll have something to look forward too," he replied, "Maybe by then I'll have a nickname for her."

"Like what?"

"I don't know yet…any suggestions?"

"Yeah, I suggest you remember that she's armed," Kate stated.

"I'll keep it in mind."

She smiled as she pulled her paperwork from their latest case towards her, "You do that."

The thought of Jim and Johanna's movie night made him feel as though he should take action about his own date night plans, even though he had yet to figure them out…but of course that had never stopped him before, he mused, in fact he seemed to work better with a deadline looming and with that thought in mind he decided to dive in.

"Do you work this weekend?" he asked her.

"I work Saturday, but if we don't have any cases by 5 I'm off until Monday morning," she answered, "Why?"

"Do you have any plans for Saturday night?" he asked.

She looked at him and shook her head, "No, not unless you count sitting on the couch with my mother watching television."

"No plans then," he said.

Kate eyed him suspiciously, "What's going on, Castle?"

"Nothing," he answered, "But can I ask you not to make plans for Saturday night?"

She searched his features with an assessing gaze and knew he was up to something. "May I ask why?"

He shrugged, "Something might come up."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," he said, "Something."

"You're up to something," she stated.

He looked at her in mock surprise, "Me?" he exclaimed, "Up to something? You my dear Detective have a suspicious mind."

She smirked, "Occupational hazard."

"I forgive you."

Kate laughed, "I didn't know I apologized."

"It was implied."

"No, I don't think it was," she said, "Now do you want to tell me what you're up to and why I should keep my Saturday night clear?"

He shook his head, "No, I don't think I want to tell you right now…just keep the evening available anyway."

"I want a reason."

"Must you always have a reason?"

"Yes," she told him.

"Is that another occupational hazard?"

"Is avoidance the occupational hazard of an author?"

He thought about it for a moment, "It's possible so I won't rule it out, but the real occupational hazard is driving your muse crazy."

"You do it very well," she told him.

He grinned, "I try."

"You don't have to enjoy it so much," she told him with a small grin of her own.

"What's not to enjoy?" he asked, "You're so cute when you're annoyed."

Kate rolled her eyes, "That is until I pull my gun out and shoot you, right?"

He waved a hand dismissively, "That is an empty threat and you know it," he said, "If you were going to shoot me, you would've done it within the first month we worked together."

She looked at him, her brow raised, "Why do you think I spent so much time at the shooting range during that month?"

He shrugged, "I figured it was because you couldn't handle all those warm fuzzy feelings I gave you."

She laughed, "Trust me, Castle; there was nothing warm and fuzzy going on."

"Don't deny it, Beckett" he quipped mischievously, "You know you felt warm and fuzzy inside every time you threatened to shoot me. I read between the lines, I knew that was just your way of saying how happy you were to have me along."

She laughed, "We've got to get you a brain scan, something's definitely wrong in there," she said as she poked his forehead with her index finger.

He shook his head, "My brain is outstanding…just like the rest of me."

"Who told you that?"

"It's universally acknowledged."

"Only in your own mind."

"Pretend like you don't agree," he teased.

Kate shook her head, "Castle, I bet if I looked up conceited in the dictionary your picture would be there."

"No, actually you'll find me under ruggedly handsome," he told her with a grin.

Kate smirked in amusement, "No, I bet you're listed somewhere else…"

He looked at her suspiciously, "And where would that be?"

"Under macaroni," she said with a laugh.

Castle glared at her playfully, "I'm going to get even with your mother."

"You're the one who said it," she reminded him, "Not her."

"But it was her fault," he replied, "And now she must pay."

"Good luck with that," Kate said, "It's easier said then done. Now are you going to tell me about Saturday or not?"

"No…it's classified information."

"Oh, so now it's classified?"

He nodded, "Yes, so do we have a deal?"

She looked at him through slightly narrowed eyes as she tried to figure out what he was up to, "Alright," she conceded, "I won't make plans for Saturday night."

Castle smiled, "Great."

She shook her head; her lips turned up in slight amusement and turned her attention to her work. He settled back into his chair, he had the plan in motion…now all he needed was the details for said plan.

* * *

On Wednesday evening, Kate laughed as she sat on her mother's bed watching her primp.

"I can't believe you're dressing up to go to a movie," she said to her as she looked at Johanna in her black skirt and navy blue top.

"Hey, it isn't everyday that I get to go out on a date," her mother retorted, "And why are you in here watching me anyway?"

Kate shrugged, "Old habit."

Her mother smiled, that was true. Kate had always watched her get ready when she was going out for an evening. She allowed a comfortable silence to fall between them as she reached back into her makeup bag and pulled out her eye shadow.

"Oh, we're bringing out the eye shadow," Kate teased, "It must be serious."

Johanna laid down the small case and turned around and swatted her daughter, "You behave," she told her with a laugh.

"What's the fun in that?" she asked her.

"Isn't it against the law to torment your mother?"

Kate shook her head, "No, in fact I think the law requires it."

She laughed as she applied her eye shadow, "That would be my luck."

There was a knock at the door and Kate rose for her spot on the bed, "That must be your date," she stated with a grin.

"Go let him in," her mother ordered, "I just have to put my shoes on and then I'll be ready."

Kate did what she was told and went to the door and let her father in.

"Where's your mother?" he asked as he stepped inside.

"Finishing up her primping," she stated with a laugh.

"I thought I told you to behave," Johanna said as she entered the room.

"When has she ever done that?" Jim asked as he moved towards her and kissed her cheek, "You look pretty."

"Thank you," she replied.

"Let's go," Kate said, "Save this stuff for when I'm in the row behind you."

Jim turned to her and smiled, "There's one more condition I want to add to our deal, Katie."

"What?"

"I may have to take you along but I refuse to have you be my chauffeur; we'll take my car and I'm driving. You'll sit in the back where kids and third wheels belong," he told her.

Johanna laughed as Kate eyed him, "If you're not going to be nice my mother and I will just stay home."

"Speak for yourself," Johanna stated, "I'm going with or without you."

"Oh I see how it is," Kate said, "You're going to team up against me."

Jim grinned at her, "Just like old times."

"Like I don't have enough problems," she said, "But I'll be nice and allow you to drive."

"That's so good of you, just for that you can get any size soda you want," her father told her.

"You big spender," Kate remarked as they left the apartment.

"You better play nice," Johanna told him as she took his hand, "She's the boss now."

He laughed, "That doesn't mean I can't take her on and win."

"That's what you think," Kate said.

When they got outside, Jim opened the passenger door for Johanna and then the back door for Kate, and he smirked at her as she got it.

"This brings back memories," she said once he was in the driver's seat, "I suddenly feel like I'm 12 again."

"Embrace the feeling, Katie," Johanna told her, "It's always good to feel 20 years younger."

She laughed and pulled her phone from her pocket as her parents started their own conversation. She tapped out a message and sent it to Castle.

"'_You want to meet me at the theater and help me chaperone?" _she asked him.

A moment later his reply appeared. _"When and where?"_

She typed back the information and then smiled when he replied, _"I'm on my way."_

Once they had their tickets and Kate had her bowl of popcorn and soda, courtesy of her father and Johanna had her candy, they went inside the theater and choose seats towards the back. She directed them to two aisle seats and then she moved to the row behind them and leaned forward to catch their attention.

"I know we're supposed to pretend not to know each other, but don't go getting carried away and forget I'm back here," she told them, "There's some things I just don't want to see."

Jim looked at her, "You just sit back there and eat your popcorn like we agreed on," he told her.

"What kind of girl do you take me for anyway, Katie?" Johanna asked.

She shrugged, "I don't know, the kind who wears bikini's and short shorts and little black dresses that drive men crazy."

Johanna reached back and smacked Kate's forehead as Jim laughed.

"She's got you there," he said.

"You both just stop it or I'll go sit by myself," she laughed.

"That's not part of the deal," Kate replied as she caught sight of Castle making his way towards her. He plopped down in the seat next to her and smiled.

Jim looked at Kate "I take it we're now double dating?"

She smiled, "Well you two said you were teaming up against me so I figured I needed back up, and besides, I don't want to chaperone your date by myself."

Johanna looked back at Castle, "Keep her occupied, Rick."

"No problem," he said as he dropped an arm around Kate.

"Not too occupied," Jim said, "I could turn around at any minute."

"Dad!" Kate exclaimed.

He laughed, "You can dish it out but you can't take it."

"I'm glad I get to pretend not to know you for the next two hours," she whispered to him as the lights went down.

"Me too," he replied.

Halfway through the movie Castle leaned towards Kate.

"This reminds me of being a teenager," he whispered.

She smiled, "Does it?"

He nodded as she turned towards him. "Wouldn't it be fun to act like teenagers?" he asked.

She looked at him, "What do you want to do, Castle, hold hands in the popcorn?"

He shook his head, "No, who wants all that butter and salt on their hand, and then your hands start to sweat and it gets on the popcorn and its…gross," he said as he made a face.

She laughed softly, "I see you've thought about this."

"I have," he said, "But I'd be happy to hold your hand outside of the bowl."

Kate smiled and slipped her hand into his.

He grinned, "You know what else teenagers do at the movies?"

She had a feeling she knew where this was going but she decided to indulge him. "What?"

"They kiss in the dark," he stated with mischief.

"My parents are right in front of us," she replied.

"That makes it adventurous," he told her.

She stifled a laugh, she was tempted.

"Besides they're supposed to be pretending like they don't know us," he told her, "They haven't even turned around once; they're busy with their own hand holding."

"Castle," she said with amusement and a hint of exasperation.

"Come on Kate, kissing you in a dark theater is on my list of things I want to do this year," he told her, "You don't want to take that away from me, do you?"

She leaned back in her seat and covered her face as she laughed.

"Come on," he whispered in her ear, "Kiss me, Kate," he teased. "You're a big girl, you're allowed."

She smirked at him and then leaned towards him and captured his lips in a kiss.

He smiled, "Wasn't this a fun idea?" he asked when they broke apart.

She nodded, "I always did like being a teenager."

"Then let's indulge that side of you," he said as he pulled her back for another kiss.

Johanna made the mistake of looking back and then had to stifle a laugh as she saw her daughter being kissed by her writer.

"What are they doing?" Jim whispered in her ear.

"You don't want to know," she replied.

He looked at her, "I should make him pay me back for her ticket since they've turned this into their date too."

She laughed softly, "Consider it money spent on a good cause."

He glanced back behind them and caught a glimpse of them stealing another kiss.

"I told you that you didn't want to know," his wife said as he shook his head.

"I should've listened."

She smiled, "We used to do the same thing," she reminded him.

"We still would if we were here without her," he stated.

"You think so?"

Jim nodded as he grinned at her, "I remember plenty of movies that we only saw half of."

"Yeah, I remember too," she replied.

"I remember one that we left in the middle of."

She felt her face flush, "We're not supposed to be thinking of that," she reminded him, "That just gets us in trouble."

He nodded, "Yeah, the proof of that trouble is that little bundle of joy sitting in the row behind us."

She swatted his chest and laughed quietly, "You stop that."

He chuckled, "I didn't say that I didn't love her."

"I know you love her," she replied as she snuggled close to him, "You're a good father."

"You're a good mother."

She sighed, "I don't know about that."

"You are," he insisted and then he tipped her chin up and stole a kiss from her.

"I love you," she whispered to him before kissing him once again.

"I love you too."

* * *

After the movie the four of them made their way back to Kate's apartment and none of them commented on seeing each other stealing kisses and holding hands with their dates. Kate unlocked her door and let her parents in so they could say their goodbyes in private.

"I'll knock first before I come in," Kate told them as she opted to stay in the hallway with Castle.

"You do that," her father said.

She rolled her eyes and shut the door and then turned towards Castle.

"Thanks for coming with me tonight," she said shyly.

He smiled, "I was glad to do it," he told her, thinking that it had been a good trial run for the date he hoped to have with her.

"I had a nice time, despite the people in the row in front of us," she told him as she shifted closer to him.

"Were there people in the row in front of us?" he quipped as he pulled her into his arms. "I didn't notice."

"Maybe that's because you were acting like a teenager," she reminded him.

He grinned, "So were you and I think you enjoyed it."

Kate smiled, "I did."

"Teenagers also kiss goodnight at the door," he told her.

"I think I remember that tradition," she said as she put her arms around him.

"Well just in case you don't, allow me to demonstrate," he said before kissing her slowly.

"Goodnight, Rick," she whispered.

"Goodnight, Kate," he replied as he released her.

She moved to the door and he said, "Don't forget to knock."

She laughed and rolled her eyes and then knocked. He waited until she was inside and then he walked away. He definitely had to put his date plans into motion.

The next day while Kate was off filing her papers, Castle seized the opportunity to arrange for someone to stay with Johanna while he took Kate out for an evening.

"Esposito, just the person I want to see," Castle said as he stepped into the break room and moved to the detectives side.

Esposito looked up from his coffee mug and regarded him with suspicion in his dark eyes, "What do you want, Castle?" he asked.

"A favor," he told his friend.

"What kind of favor?"

"What are you doing Saturday night?"

"Why?" Esposito asked.

"Why can't anyone just answer a question around here?" Castle exclaimed.

Esposito chuckled, "What's going on, Castle?"

He sighed and then looked around; making sure no one was lurking nearby. "I would like to take Beckett out Saturday night."

The Detective's eyes widened and sparkled with mischief, "You're asking Beckett out on a date?" he asked quietly.

He shook his head, "Not exactly."

"What do you mean not exactly?"

"I mean we're not going to say the 'D' word around Beckett," he explained.

"Why not?"

Castle looked at him as if he should already know the answer to that question but he explained anyway. "If she hears the 'D' word, she might say no."

"She might say no anyway," Esposito stated, "After all you did push her over a fence."

"I did not!"

"She says you did."

"She slipped."

"Right."

"None of that matters," Castle stated.

"So if you're not classifying this as a date, how are you going to sell the idea to Beckett?" Esposito asked.

He smiled, "As an evening of well deserved relaxation with a friend."

"And what does this have to do with me?" he asked.

"She's not going to go out for the evening and leave Johanna without police protection."

"There's always a unit on the building when Beckett's away from home; and the patrols have been increased at all times regardless of if she's there or not."

"True," Castle said, "But I don't want her to worry and have to call home every hour to check on things…but if you there with Johanna…it would ease Kate's mind."

"So what you're saying is you want me to Mama sit?"

"Yes."

"What about Ryan?"

He shrugged, "Well I figured he'd be home with Jenny."

"Oh I get it," Esposito said, "I don't have a wife at home so I get picked to babysit."

"It's not like that at all."

"Yes it is," he argued, "And just so you know, Jenny's out of town visiting her grandmother."

"Great!" he exclaimed, "Then you can both stay with her and Kate won't have to worry at all. That's even better!"

"I don't know bro," he said, "What's in this for me?"

"What do you want?"

He grinned, "What do you think?"

"The Ferrari?"

"For a week."

"You know, you're not really doing this for me. It's for Beckett, doesn't she deserve a break?" Castle asked, pulling the guilt card.

He nodded, "Of course she does, but babysitters always get paid, doesn't matter if it's a kid you're watching or a mother. There has to be compensation."

"Fine, a week with the Ferrari. Can you persuade Ryan?"

"It might be easier if he gets a week with the Ferrari too."

"Fine."

"What about Mama Beckett?" Esposito asked, "Is she going to be comfortable with this arrangement?"

He nodded, "I'm sure she'll be fine with it. She knows both of you."

"Just the same, maybe you should check with her first."

"Alright," he said, "You talk to Ryan."

"And I assume you don't want us saying anything to Beckett, right?" he asked.

"Right."

"When you're talking to her mother, maybe you could ask if dinner is being provided."

Castle looked at him, "You want me to ask Johanna to provide you with a free meal?"

He shrugged, "Well I figure if we're there…and she felt like cooking…it would be nice, you know, like extra compensation."

"The things I go through," Castle muttered under his breath. "I'll mention it to her," he stated, "Apparently cooking is something she enjoys anyway."

Esposito grinned, "Good. Now what do you have planned for Beckett?"

"I don't know yet."

"You don't know yet?" he exclaimed, "You're making these arrangements, and not only have you not asked her, you don't even have a plan?"

"I will have a plan," he stated, "I'm just taking care of the details first."

"Okay, bro," Esposito said, "I'll talk to Ryan, and you do what you need to do."

He nodded, "I'll let you know the final details."

A few hours later, while Beckett was away from her desk, Ryan approached Castle as he sat in his usual seat waiting for her to come back.

"Javi, informed me of our 'assignment' for Saturday," he stated.

Castle glanced around making sure Beckett was still nowhere in sight. "So you're in?" he asked.

He nodded, "As long as it's okay with Mrs. Beckett," he said.

"I'll talk with her in the morning, but I'm sure it's going to be fine."

"Javi also mentioned that while you're talking to her you'll be bringing up the issue of dinner," Ryan said.

He eyed his friend, "And?"

"And I thought while you were talking about dinner you could ask if there will be brownies for dessert."

"Really?" Castle said, "You want me to ask her to provide dinner _and _brownies?"

Ryan shrugged, "What's dinner without dessert."

"Fine," he huffed, "But I'm not making any promises."

"Oh, and I was also informed that I'll have use of the Ferrari for a week," the Detective said with a grin.

"Everyone once in awhile I hate you guys just a little," Castle said.

"Good, then we're doing our job," Ryan stated and as he turned to walk away he said over his shoulder, "And good luck with this little plan of yours."

"Thanks," he said, his tone dripping with a hint of sarcasm, "It's always nice to have the support of your friends."

* * *

The next morning Castle waited an appropriate amount of time for Kate to leave for work and then he headed for her apartment.

Johanna opened the door to reveal Rick standing on the other side and she felt a sense of déjà vu.

"I need to talk to you," he announced.

"Again?" she questioned, her expression showing a hint of worry.

"Not like that," he assured as she allowed him inside.

She breathed a sigh of relief, "Good," she said, "I didn't mind that little talk we had last time but I'm not anxious to have another one so soon."

He smiled at her, "I understand, and I promise that I'm here for a completely different conversation."

Johanna nodded and sat down on the sofa, "So what's on your mind today, Rick?" she asked as he sat down in the chair.

"I'm planning on taking Kate out Saturday night."

"Great," she said, "Katie didn't tell me."

He smiled sheepishly, "Well, I haven't exactly asked her yet."

She looked at him, "You haven't asked her yet but you're planning on taking her out."

Castle nodded, "I did ask her to keep Saturday night clear…in case something would come up."

Johanna laughed, "My god, you two are ridiculous."

"Hey, I'm just trying to get my ducks in a row first before I ask her" he said teasingly, "And besides rumor has it that back in the day; you and a certain colleague of yours were quite ridiculous yourselves."

"Apparently history repeats itself," she remarked.

"Or it's genetic."

"I suppose that's a possibility. Now what do your plans have to do with me?"

"Well I know she's not going to go off for an evening and leave you without police protection."

"So you've hired a babysitter?" she said with amusement.

He grinned, "Two of them actually," he told her, "But both Ryan and Esposito wanted me to make sure you were comfortable having them hang around for an evening."

Johanna smiled, "I don't have a problem with the boys being here; especially if Katie can go out and have a nice time."

"Good," Castle said and then he hesitated.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"They may be expecting you to provide them with dinner."

She eyed him, "Did you sell me out for my cooking?"

He shook his head, "No, dinner was Esposito's idea. He said it would be like bonus compensation."

"Bonus compensation?"

"Yeah…you know how it is, you ask a friend for a favor and they want something in return."

She smiled, "And what is it they want from you?"

"A week with my Ferrari for each of them."

Johanna laughed, "A week with a Ferrari and a free dinner."

"Yeah," he said, "You see I didn't know that Ryan's wife Jenny was out of town, and she usually feeds Espo once or twice a week…so I figure they're both probably hungry."

"I see," she said, "And did they specify what they wanted?"

"No, but I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd serve them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and then take a picture of their reactions," Castle stated.

She grinned, "I have a feeling they'd be disappointed."

"That's what makes it fun," he replied.

"They might take revenge on your car."

He thought about that for a moment, "You could be right; but listen; you don't have to feed them if you don't want to."

"It's alright," she said, "It's not a problem for me to make dinner for them."

Castle smiled, "Great, one more thing."

"What?"

"Ryan wanted to know if there would be brownies for dessert."

"Brownies too!" she exclaimed.

"It's for a good cause," Castle reminded her, "Just think of Kate."

"Let's get this straight," Johanna said, "I gave you this idea, I bought her a dress, and I have to feed your friends and provide them with brownies."

He nodded, "That sounds about right."

"Katie gets a night out, you get the benefit of her company, the boys get your car and a home cooked meal."

Again he nodded in agreement, "Whats your point?"

"The point is, I feel like I'm doing all the work and everyone else is getting compensated," Johanna said with a laugh.

Castle laughed, "Hey, if I could arrange a night out for you and Jim, sans chaperone, I would, but I'm afraid I can't help you in that department."

"No one can," she replied, "But you could come up with something to show your gratitude," she teased.

He grinned at her, "Alright, Johanna, what do you want?"

She smiled, "I've always wanted to go for a ride in a Ferrari."

"What is with everyone and the Ferrari?" he asked.

She shrugged, "Not all of us can afford such a luxury. I mean you probably paid more for that car then we paid for Katie's tuition."

He laughed, "That's probably true. Alright, I'll see to it that you get a ride in the Ferrari, deal?"

She nodded, "Deal. Now where are you taking her?"

"I don't know yet."

"You don't know yet!" she exclaimed, "Rick, it's already Friday!"

"I know!" he replied, "I just don't know where to take her."

She sighed and rolled her eyes and he couldn't help but think, like mother, like daughter.

"You know there's this thing called dinner, and they serve it at these places called restaurants," she told him, "I hear that's where the cool kids take their dates. Maybe you could give it a try."

He smirked at her, "Thank you but I've already gotten that advice from my own mother."

She laughed, "Martha's a wise woman."

"That's what she tells us," he quipped, "And besides, the dinner part of the evening isn't the problem. It's where to take her afterwards that I can't figure out."

"Rick, this is New York City; there's a million things to do here," she stated.

"I know but what?"

She picked the newspaper up from the coffee table and threw it at him, "Why don't you look around and find out?" she suggested, "Katie likes lots of things; the theater, music, dancing…she likes to have fun," she threw in as a subtle addition to the comment she had made the week before.

"I know," he mumbled as he flipped through the paper, and then his eyes landed on an advertisement for the Broadway revival of Evita and he recalled Kate telling him that she'd like to go to Argentina. He smiled, he couldn't take her to Argentina at the moment, but he could take her to a play that was set in that country.

"I've got it!" he exclaimed.

"Got what?"

"I know where I'm taking her."

"Do you want to share with the class?" she asked.

"No," he said, "And when she calls to check in don't even tell her I was here."

"Okay," she replied, "Now when are you going to officially ask her?"

"Right after I finish making the arrangements," he announced as he rose to leave.

"Good Luck, Rick," she told him as she followed him to the door.

He smiled, "Thanks for your cooperation; I'll let you have two rides in the Ferrari."

She laughed, "Lucky me."

* * *

Later in the day, Castle finally arrived at the precinct and he made his way to Kate's desk. After their initial greetings he said to her, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," she said.

He looked around at the people milling about in the bullpen and then shifted his gaze back to her, "Break room," he stated.

She looked at him oddly but nodded, "Is something wrong?" she asked as she followed him.

"No," he said with a smile, "Nothings wrong."

He closed the door once they were inside and then as he turned to face her, his confidence momentarily faltered.

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked.

He stammered for a moment and then he got a hold of himself, "About tomorrow night," he stated, "Are you still keeping it clear?"

"Yeah," she said, "Are you ready to tell me what that's about?"

"I am," he said with a smile.

"Okay," she replied, "I'm listening."

"I…I would like to take you out tomorrow night for an evening of fun and relaxation…just the two of us."

Kate smiled regretfully, "Castle, that sounds great but…what about my mother? I don't like to leave her alone at night unless I have to."

"Already taken care of," he said as he grinned proudly, "Ryan and Esposito are going to stay with her while were out."

Her brow rose, "When did they agree to this?"

"The other day when I asked them."

"And what exactly did you say about this plan of yours?" she questioned.

He caught on quickly, she was fishing to see if he'd passed this off as a date to their friends, and the prospect that he had made her nervous.

He smiled reassuringly, "I just told them that I thought you deserved a break and that I wanted to take you out so you could have some fun…with a friend, and they agreed."

He saw her posture relax once more and she smiled for a moment.

"I don't know if my mother will go for this 'babysitting' of her, Castle."

"She's fine with it," he announced, "I already talked to her"

"When?" she asked in surprise.

"This morning."

"She didn't mention this to me when I talked to her earlier."

"I asked her not to; I told her it was a surprise."

Kate nodded, "You've been busy."

He grinned mischievously, "I was getting all my ducks in a row before I asked you."

"So what do you have in mind for tomorrow night?" she asked.

"I thought that we could go to dinner, take in a Broadway show and then afterwards we could go out for a drink or whatever you want."

"That sounds nice," she said; her eyes sparkling and that giddy smile she'd been prone to the night they danced in the kitchen, spread across her face.

"So how about it?" he asked, "Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?"

She looked him in the eye, "I'd love to."

His heart skipped a beat and he stared at her for a moment; wondering if he had really heard that right.

"You would?" he asked to be sure.

"Yeah," Kate said; that smile he loved still on her face, "I can't wait."

"Me either," he said as his heart pounded in his ears. He had a date with Kate Beckett…life just got a little better.

_Authors Note: Date night is next chapter!_


	24. Chapter 24

_Authors Note: Sorry it's late, Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 24 – Just A Kiss

'_I know that if we give this a little time, It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find, It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right,' –Lady Antebellum_

"What's up, Lanie?" Kate asked as she walked into the morgue Saturday morning in response to her best friend's text demanding to see her.

Lanie looked up from the table where she had spread out her paper work, "I hear you have a date with Castle," she stated, "I want details."

Kate smirked, "First of all, the details usually come after the date; and second, who told you? Because when I tried to call you last night, you didn't answer."

"I have my sources," Lanie teased.

She leveled her friend with an assessing stare, "Were you with your source last night? Is that why you didn't answer?"

"Maybe," she replied coyly.

Kate rolled her eyes and laughed, "Are you and Javi back together?" she asked, figuring that to be the main suspect in the mystery of Lanie's 'source'.

"Not officially," Lanie said, "And besides, we're talking about you and Castle."

"Don't you get tired of talking about us?" Kate asked with a laugh.

"Never," her friend remarked, "Especially now."

"What do you mean especially now?"

Lanie looked at her, "I mean that it's getting more interesting now that your mama is in the picture and coaxing you along."

"She is not coaxing me!" Kate protested.

"Yes she is," Lanie replied, "And it seems to be working. The next time I stop by your place, I'm going to have to give her a hug and praise her efforts."

"Go ahead," Kate told her, "She'd probably like that. On the other hand though, I don't really need the two of you joining forces and teaming up against me."

"We only do these things because we love you," her friend replied with a smile.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Sure you do."

Lanie laughed, "You know I do; I just want you to be happy…and it just so happens that a certain writer makes you happy, and if I have to nudge you and brow beat you into understanding and accepting that, then that's what I have to do."

She smiled, "Yeah, I know. I think I've heard this song before."

Lanie grinned and then turned serious again and looked her in the eye, "Your mom loves you too…you know that, right?"

She sighed and saw this conversation going in a different direction then intended, "Yeah, I guess so."

"You guess so?"

Kate shrugged, "Most of the time I know she does…but sometimes I think about what she's done and the last 13 years and I have doubts."

"Kate, the few times I've dropped by to see you, I've watched your mom and how she looks at you…and I always find myself thinking, 'I wish my mother would look at me with that much love in her eyes.' She loves you, Kate, I know what she did and how it's affected you, but the love is there. It's all over her face every time she looks at you…love and pride and hopefulness.

She shifted awkwardly, "I thought we were talking about me and Castle."

"We'll get back to that," Lanie stated, "Let's talk about your mom some more."

"Why?" she asked, "What is there to talk about? You know that things are better between us, you've even seen that for yourself."

Lanie sighed, "Because as your friend I not only want you to be happy with Castle, but I want you to get to a place where you can be happy with your mom as well," she said and when Kate opened her mouth to speak she silenced her with a look. "I don't think you realize how good she is for you, Kate," she told her, "Having your mom back in your life is having a positive effect on you."

"Maybe it's Castle that's having a positive effect on me," Kate stated, "Things are better between us."

Lanie chuckled, "I'm not discounting writer boy's influence, especially now that you've came to your senses and decided that kissing him is a good thing and not a sign of the end of the world," she told her as Kate blushed, "But your mom is playing a part in this change that's taking place in you. You even told me that you've been talking to her about you and Castle, that you even used her advice."

"What's your point, Lanie?"

Lanie looked her in the eye, "You're still holding back in regards to her."

"We're fine."

"Have you hugged her yet?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Lanie."

"Why, Kate? Why haven't you hugged her yet? Why are you still not calling her mom? I haven't heard you address her by any title for that matter when I'm with the two of you."

Kate gave her a pointed look, "Do we have to talk about this?"

Lanie nodded, "I think maybe we do. I don't think anybody's hitting the right button in regards to your feelings about her."

She shifted from foot to foot; her head tipping back to glance up at the ceiling as if there were some answer to be found there.

"You know how I feel; hurt, angry, and betrayed."

"I think you feel more than that," her friend stated, "And I think you know it."

"So what if I do!" Kate exclaimed, "It doesn't have to mean anything."

"It doesn't?"

"No."

There was a raw nerve beneath the surface; one that was kept separate from those easily handled feelings of hurt and anger. Kate didn't like to pick too much at that nerve that harbored thoughts and feelings that she felt were better left buried, not only for the sake of her peace of mind but also to keep a small barrier between herself and Johanna. Not even Castle had dared to pick at that tender throbbing nerve, he simply waited for her to feel the need to unburden herself and then he'd carefully walk through the minefield of her emotions and find a way to push her forward without her noticing too much.

Lanie, however, saw that nerve and went after it with her usual no nonsense 'this is what's best for you' manner. Lanie always knew where she was hiding and her best friend had made it her mission in life to try and drag her out of each hiding spot and to force her to accept the things in her life.

She always meant well, Kate knew that, but this thing with her mother was so very different then anything else.

"You can still be hurt and angry, Kate," Lanie said; pulling her from her thoughts, "But you could also let go a bit and give her a little more."

Kate shook her head, "I don't want to get too attached to her again."

Lanie looked at her, her eyes full of sympathy, "Honey, you're already attached to her."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"Lanie," she said in exasperation.

"Kate," she said firmly, her gaze still trained on her, "You are. It shows every once in awhile, and you don't even realize it. It's okay to be attached to her, she's your mother."

"No, it isn't okay."

"Why?" Lanie demanded to know, determined to get Kate to open up about her feelings towards her mother, "Why do you have to keep her at arms length?"

Her chin quivered as the dam of emotions broke and a tear slipped down her cheek.

"So it won't hurt so much."

"What won't hurt?"

"If she leaves me again," Kate admitted, and then after a moment she added, "I don't want her to leave me again."

"She's not going to leave you again."

"How do you know?" she asked sharply, "She did it once, she could do it again."

Lanie shook her head, "No, Kate, she's not going to do that again."

Kate swiped angrily at her cheeks, "But what if she…," she couldn't even bring herself to say it. "This person who caused all of this is still out there, Lanie…he's still out there and I don't have anything to go on at the moment. Every lead turns into a dead end. He has all the cards and all I have is a clock that's ticking down and I don't even know how much time is left on the counter before the world gets upended again."

"All the more reason to give in to what you want," Lanie told her, "Not only for your sake, but for hers."

"It's not that simple."

"It is," she replied, "All you have to do is go home and hug your mom."

"I can't."

"You can," Lanie said, "Don't you want too?" Isn't there some part of you that just wants to put it all aside for a moment and just hug her like you used too? Like you've been wanting to for the past 13 years?"

"Of course I want too!" Kate exclaimed, and then realizing her admission, she stammered for a second before adding, "But I can't…not yet."

"Kate," Lanie sighed.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Lanie."

Lanie held her gaze until Kate looked away and then she backed down, knowing the limits of how far she could push her friend when it came to her emotions.

"So, where are you and writer boy going tonight?" she asked.

Kate took a breath and swiped at the moisture on her cheeks, "Dinner and the theater," she answered, "Probably a drink or something afterwards."

Lanie grinned, "Or something?"

"Not that!" she exclaimed.

"Why not?"

Kate looked at her, "Because…it's not right yet," she said.

Her friend nodded, "You're right, save the sex for the second date."

She blushed furiously, "This isn't even really a date."

Lanie regarded her with a raised brow, "Then what is it?"

"A night out with a friend," Kate replied, "That's what he classified it as."

She laughed, "He classified it like that so you'd say yes," she told her, "He knew if he said the word 'date' you'd head for the hills."

"I would not!"

"You would."

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever."

Lanie shook her head, "Kate Beckett, Queen of denial," she stated.

"Shut up."

"What are you going to wear?" she asked her, "For this…night out with a friend."

She glared at her friend in amusement, "I don't know yet. You want to come help me?"

"I would but Javi told me what time Castle was picking you up and I'll still be here."

"Sucks to be you," Kate teased.

Lanie shot her a look, "Look at you, one date with a millionaire and you get cocky."

Kate laughed, "Jealous?"

"Pea green with envy," Lanie stated dramatically and then she laughed, "Have someone take a picture and send it to me, I want to see how you looked for your night out."

"Alright," she agreed, "Anything else?"

"I expect my phone to ring tomorrow morning, and I expect you to be on the other end with details to share."

Kate nodded, "I'll see what I can do."

Lanie looked at her, "And since I can't help you get ready, maybe you can throw that task to your mother."

She was quiet for a moment and then she smiled slightly, "I guess I could do that."

"Sure you can," she told her, "You might even enjoy it."

"I get the message, Lanie."

"Good."

"Any other instructions, Doctor Parrish?" she teased.

Lanie's eyes glittered with humor, "Take one Castle and call me in the morning."

Kate burst into laughter, "I think it's time for me to leave."

"Have fun tonight," Lanie said as Kate turned to go.

"I will."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"What wouldn't you do?" Kate asked.

Lanie shrugged, "I'll think of something and let you know."

She chuckled, "See you later, Lanie."

* * *

Later that day, Kate was sitting at her desk, trying to concentrate on her paper work while praying that the phone wouldn't ring and drop a new case into her lap. Her eyes flicked to her watch, as they had been all day in some type of mental countdown to the end of her shift. She sighed, it was only twenty minutes later than the last time she had looked, and the end of her shift was still a few hours away.

Two shadows fell across her desk and she looked at up to find Ryan and Esposito standing there, knowing smirks on their faces and a hint of mischief shining in their eyes. She stifled a groan and refrained from rolling her eyes. She knew what this was going to be about and it only served to prove what she already knew. It was going to be a long day.

"What?" she asked them.

"Nothing," Ryan replied; but there was no mistaking the amusement laced in his tone.

They were all quiet for a moment as they eyed each other; Beckett regarding them warily and with suspicion, the boys sizing her up with the playfulness of two brothers who had nothing better to do than tease their sister.

"So," Esposito said breaking the silence, "Big night tonight."

This time she did roll her eyes. "It's really no big deal," she stated; but even as she said the words, she knew she was lying.

It felt like a big deal in the pit of her stomach, and that feeling made her nervous. It was better to convince herself that it wasn't a big thing; that this was just like any other time she and Castle had gone out…but it wasn't, her traitorous mind kept reminding her, and it didn't help that Lanie had classified it as a date and that the boys were obviously classifying it that way too. As she had laid awake the night before, she had tried very hard not to label this evening out as anything more than what Castle had said, but she knew it was more than that to him…and it was more than that to her, and those fuzzy edges of panic and nerves were skimming the surface in regards to that knowledge. She took a breath, yes it was better to keep telling herself and everyone else that this was no big deal, she reminded herself. She could be calmer that way.

"Seems like a big deal," Ryan remarked, "Castle did go through a lot of trouble to arrange everything."

She leveled them with a stare, "While we're on that topic, you two want to tell me how my mother got to be a bargaining chip?"

"It's not like that," Esposito replied, "I merely asked if she would be cooking dinner tonight."

"Uh huh," Kate said, "More like you were trying to score a free handout."

"It's not our fault your mother is a good cook," Ryan told her.

"Yeah," Esposito agreed and then after a pause he asked, "Did she happen to say what was on the menu for tonight?"

"Roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, and whatever else she decided to throw on the stove," Kate answered.

The boys smiled, "Sounds good," Esposito stated.

"Glad it meets your approval," Kate said.

"What about the brownies?" Ryan asked.

She laughed, "You know, the two of you should be ashamed of yourselves for expecting my mother to feed you."

Esposito shrugged, "Castle said she didn't mind, and besides, I think she likes us."

"Of course she does," Kate replied, "She's always had a soft spot for stray cats."

"That's not nice, Beckett," Ryan replied, "And you still haven't answered my question about the status of the brownies."

"She made them after breakfast," Kate told him. "And when I checked in awhile ago, she was putting the icing on them."

"Where's Castle taking you to dinner?" Esposito inquired.

"I don't know," she answered, "He hasn't given me many details; all he keeps saying is that I'll like it."

"Well don't worry," Ryan told her, "We'll take care of everything while you're gone."

"Yeah, we'll even tell your mom some stories," Esposito teased.

Kate's eyes widened, "No," she stated firmly, "You will not tell her any stories."

"Why not?"

"Because," she replied, "You'll scare her and she worries about me enough."

"She can handle it," he replied, "It's not like she doesn't know what you do."

"Don't," Kate demanded, "You do not tell her anything that will upset her; that means no stories about injuries, bombs, freezers, the car going into the river, serial killers, or close calls. You got that?" she asked.

"You're not leaving us much to entertain her with, Beckett," Esposito replied.

She smiled, "You can tell her stories about the two of you, you can tell her stories that don't involve anything that I mentioned if you want me to be apart of the storyline; but I repeat, you will not tell her anything that will scare or upset her, because if you do, than I will personally go visit each of your mothers and tell them a few stories you don't want them to know and you don't want me to do that, do you?"

"No!" they both exclaimed.

"So we understand each other?" she asked.

"Yes," they both agreed, "No scary stories."

Kate smiled and nodded feeling as though they had been properly threatened.

"Don't hesitate to call me if something's wrong tonight," she instructed.

"Nothing's going to be wrong," Ryan told her, "We got this."

"Yeah, Beckett," his partner said, "We can take care of Mama Beckett just fine."

"You better," she warned.

They laughed. "Are you nervous, Beckett?" Ryan asked.

"No," she declared.

"You seem like it," Esposito said, "You're getting all protective of your mama despite the fact that she will be with the two finest that the NYPD has to offer."

She smirked, "You two are the finest?"

"You know it," he replied, "She'll be fine with us. No need for you to worry."

"I know," she sighed and then she smiled, "Thanks guys."

"No problem," Ryan told her.

"Have some fun tonight for a change," Esposito stated.

Kate rolled her eyes, "You better watch, Espo, you're starting to sound like Lanie."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he replied and then he mumbled some excuse to get away.

Ryan laughed, "They're back together, aren't they?"

Kate shrugged, "I haven't gotten an official announcement yet."

"We don't need one," Ryan said, "The evidence says it all."

Kate laughed, "Or at least it tells enough of the story to get the idea."

He nodded in agreement as he laughed and then he turned and made his way back to his desk. Kate glanced at her watch again, the conversation hadn't been as bad as she had anticipated, but it hadn't wasted nearly enough time.

* * *

At 4:30, Castle entered the precinct after spending the day away, and made his way to Kate's desk and plopped down in his chair.

"How are we doing?" he asked anxiously, "Are we still on."

She smiled, "As far as I know."

"No bodies?" he asked just to be certain.

"Not so far," she replied, "But I still have a half hour to go."

"Maybe the murderers are going to be nice and take the night off," Castle stated.

"They might," she replied, "But we probably shouldn't tempt fate by talking about it."

"Right," he replied, "The last thing we want to do is tempt fate in that regard."

Kate laughed softly as she nodded and then she looked at him, "What are you doing here, Castle?" she asked, "You said you weren't coming in today."

"I wanted to make sure everything was still good," he told her.

"You could've just called."

"I was out anyway," he replied; which was partially true. His mother and Alexis had all but thrown him out of the loft, telling him to go do something that would rid himself of his excess nervous energy.

"What were you doing?" she asked.

"Just running errands," he answered; because that was better than telling her that he had just been wandering around aimlessly before he ended up outside the precinct. "How's your mother?" he asked.

Kate smiled, "She's fine."

"She finished the brownies," Ryan stated from behind him.

"And she's working on dinner," Esposito said as he joined the group.

Castle looked at Kate in confusion. She laughed, "They make me get a status report every time I check in with her," she told him.

Castle shook his head, "You moochers," he stated.

"Is that any way to speak to the people who are making your evening out possible?" Esposito asked.

"You say that like you're doing it out of the goodness of your hearts," Castle retorted.

"We are," Ryan replied, "We just want to be fed while we do it."

"And have a nice fancy car to drive around in for a week," Espo added.

He looked to Kate, "Can you believe that?"

She laughed, "I believe it," she stated.

The boys wandered off to file their papers after trading a few more barbs with Castle and then he turned his attention back to his date.

"Do you know what you're going to wear?" he asked casually."

"Clothes," she replied, "And I'll probably have shoes on too."

He smirked at her, "Funny."

Kate laughed, "You asked."

He laughed with her, "Alright let me rephrase the question. Do you know which clothes you're wearing?"

She looked at him, "You'll see when you get there."

"So you're still undecided," he remarked.

She shot him a look through narrowed eyes. She hated when he was right.

"I have a few options in mind," she stated.

"I liked your black dress," he told her.

"What black dress?"

"You know the one you tried on at the loft. The one your mom bought you."

"Oh, that one," she answered.

He nodded, "Is that one of the options you're considering?"

Kate shrugged, "Maybe…or maybe not. Guess you'll just have to wait and see."

"Fine," he replied, "Just for that I won't tell you what I'm wearing tonight."

Kate laughed, "Oh how ever will I cope with that mystery hanging over my head."

Castle smirked at her, "It'll drive you crazy."

"Kind of like this writer I know," she quipped.

"It's funny you should say that," he returned, "I know a Detective like that."

"Esposito can be exasperating sometimes," she replied.

He laughed, "That's not who I was referring too."

"Ryan has his moments as well," she stated.

"You're getting closer to the real culprit," Castle teased.

"Surely you don't mean me."

"Who else?" he asked.

She laughed but said nothing as she signed her last form and put it aside.

Castle glanced at his watch, "Ten minutes to go," he announced.

There was a feeling of relief at that statement, and also the feeling of heightened alertness; because it would just be her luck for the phone to ring now. They remained quiet, seemingly holding their breath as they each watched the clock on her computer tick away the minutes.

"Five minutes," he stated, as if it were necessary for him to make the official announcement.

Kate laughed, "I'm capable of reading the time myself, Castle."

He grinned, "That doesn't mean I can't read it to you…you know as like a public service."

"So very thoughtful of you," she replied.

"Three minutes."

"Castle."

"Are you going to have enough time to get ready?" he asked.

Kate nodded, "I'll be ready."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Castle. I swear I will be ready on time."

"Just checking."

"Will you be ready on time?" she teased.

"Of course I will!"

"Just checking."

They returned to their vigil, eyes shifting from the clock to the phone and back again, until finally the hands moved, signaling five o'clock and they each let out a breath as the phone remained silent.

Kate hurriedly gathered up her belongings and straightened up her desk.

"See you at 6:30," she said with a smile as she rose from her chair to go.

Castle stood as well, "I'll be there."

"So will we," Esposito announced as they each hurried off in separate directions.

* * *

Kate walked through the door of her apartment and felt the stirrings of butterflies beginning in her stomach.

"Is that you, Katie?" Johanna called from the kitchen.

"Who else?" she asked as she came to stand in the doorway.

Her mother checked the food she had in the oven and then she turned towards her daughter, "Well your father does have a key," Johanna replied lightly.

"Dad always knocks," Kate answered.

Johanna shook her head, "No, the other day he let himself in while I was in the shower. It's a good thing he sent me a text message telling me he was in the living room or he probably would've scared the hell out of me if I walked into the room not expecting to find someone there."

She laughed, "I guess you're lucky he thought of that."

She nodded in agreement, "So," she said with a smile, "Are you looking forward to your night out?"

Kate smiled, "Yeah, I am," she answered, "But first I have to go figure out what to wear," she told her as she sighed and turned away to head in the direction of her bedroom.

Johanna moved to follow her but then hesitated for a moment, debating whether her presence would be welcomed as her daughter made her wardrobe choices and got ready. She thought of how Kate at sat on her bed and watch as she prepared to go to the movies a few nights before, it seemed like Kate was more open to sharing things with her and with that thought in mind she allowed her feet to carry her forward.

When she reached the doorway of Kate's room she leaned against the doorframe and asked, "Where exactly is Rick taking you tonight? All you said last night was that you were going out."

"Dinner," she answered; glancing away from her open closet, "And then we're going to see the revival of 'Evita'."

"Lucky you," Johanna replied with a smile, "I saw it during its first run on Broadway."

"Really?" Kate asked, "I don't remember you telling me that."

Johanna nodded, "Your grandmother and I went to see it. You were just a baby then. It was a mother's day gift to each other," she told her.

Kate smiled, "Grandma McKenzie loved the glamour of the movies and theater, didn't she?"

"Yes, she did," she replied wistfully, a pang of grief and longing for her own mother rippling through her.

"You don't have to stand in the doorway," Kate told her, "You can come in and sit down."

Her mother accepted her invitation and entered the room, taking a seat on the foot of the bed.

"Do you remember when we went to see the movie of 'Evita'?" she asked her daughter.

She laughed, "Yeah, I also remember Dad saying that we couldn't pay him enough to go with us."

"He also said we had no taste," Johanna remembered.

Kate nodded, "And if I remember correctly, you told him that his only true moment of taste was when he married you."

Johanna laughed, "He didn't deny it."

Kate laughed with her but her focus was on her dress selection. Her fingers strayed to the black dress her mother had bought her and she hesitated for a moment before pulling it from the rack.

"Does this seem right for the theater?" she asked her mother.

She smiled," It's just right," she told her, "It's not too much and it's not too little."

Kate looked it over; she knew her mother wanted her to wear it, and Castle had made that comment about it at the precinct. She remembered the way he had looked at her when she had tried it on the night her mother had bought it. She smiled; she wanted him to look at her that way again. With her mind made up she hung the dress on the closet door and said, "Shoes. Now I need shoes."

She laughed as Johanna was at her side in an instant, pawing through her extensive shoe collection.

"You've just been waiting for an excuse to get at my shoes, haven't you?" she asked her.

Her mother grinned, "Well you were always in my closet going after mine. I figure it's time for some payback."

"Dad always said we had a sickness when it came to shoes."

"Oh I know," Johanna laughed, "He said no one needed as many pairs of shoes as we had."

Kate kept discarding every pair she came across as Johanna continued to browse at a relaxed pace.

"Oh I like these," she said; pulling out a pair of strappy silver sandals.

Kate smiled, "Do they remind you of the ones you had?"

Johanna smiled, "They are similar," she answered, "Any chance that you don't want them any more?"

"Nice try," Kate said with a laugh, "But you can borrow them the next time you go out with Dad."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she said as she put them back into their space.

"How about these?" Kate asked, holding up a pair of black stilettos.

"Perfect," she replied, "What are you doing after the show?" she asked; "I hope you're not going to hurry back on my account."

"We haven't decided yet," she said as she set the shoes aside and moved to her jewelry box to make her selections there. "We'll probably go out for a drink."

"Good, I want you to have a nice time."

She glanced at her mother, "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Johanna smiled, "Katie I became accustomed to you dating long ago."

"Not that," her daughter replied, "And this isn't really a date."

"Yes it is."

"It isn't," she remarked again, "I meant are you sure you're okay with the guys staying here with you?"

"It's fine," Johanna assured, "I'm willing to be babysat so you can go out and have a good time."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," her mother said firmly, "Are you trying to get out of this?"

"No!" Kate exclaimed, "I just want to make sure you're comfortable."

Johanna was picking up on nervous vibes from her daughter and she smiled softly, "I will be fine. You have nothing to worry about. Just go and have a good time."

"Okay," she replied as she laid her jewelry on the dresser, "I'm going to go get a shower."

"I'll go check on dinner."

* * *

Castle walked into the living room, his jacket slung over his shoulder and his fingers fumbling with his tie.

"Can someone help me please?" he called out in desperation.

Alexis rose from the chair she was sitting in and made her way toward him; smiling in amusement as she took the tie from his hands and tied it correctly.

"Nervous?" she asked.

"Me? Nervous?" he replied, "Of course not?"

"Come now, Richard," Martha stated from her place on the sofa, "It's not like you to have trouble with your tie."

"It's not me," he stated, "It's the tie itself; it was probably cut wrong."

Alexis and Martha laughed. "Funny how Alexis managed to tie it so easily," his mother remarked.

"She's gifted," he replied, "I'm willing to admit that her intelligence far exceeds my own…which is saying something."

"What are you nervous about, Dad?" Alexis asked, "It's Beckett."

"That's why I'm nervous!" he exclaimed in accidental admission, "It's Beckett…what if I blow this? What if I say or do something stupid?"

They laughed. "Darling, you don't need to worry about that," Martha told him.

"You don't think so?" he asked as he slipped on his suit jacket.

"No," she answered, "Beckett's already used to you saying and doing stupid things; apparently it doesn't bother her much."

Alexis giggled, "Yeah, you initiated her in the way your mind works long ago."

He glared at them, "Thank you both for your support."

"Oh, Richard, relax," his mother told him, "Everything will be fine. It's not as if you and Kate have never gone out together before."

"It's different this time, Mother."

She smiled, "I know," she replied, "This time it has shades of being a real date; but perhaps you would feel better about it if you didn't think so much about that and just treat it as any other occasion when the two of you do something together."

"But it's not just any other occasion," he argued, "I want this to go well so she can see that it can work. I don't want to screw this up."

"You won't," they both stated.

"I want everything to be perfect," he went on, "I want it go so well that she'll want to do it again."

"Richard," Martha said as she rose from her seat and moved towards him, straightening the collar of his shirt and smoothing away a small wrinkle in his jacket. "You and Kate will have a lovely time together. All you have to do is be your usual charming self, and make her feel special. You can do that, can't you?"

He nodded, "Yes, I think I can do that."

"Well then you have nothing to worry about," she assured.

Castle took a breath, "You're right, Mother," he said, gaining back his confidence, "This will be a great night."

"You better get going," Alexis told him, "You don't want to be late."

He glanced at his watch, "You're right, I better go. I still need to stop and buy flowers."

He kissed their cheeks and they smiled at him is assurance as they said their goodbyes. Once he was out the door, Martha turned to Alexis.

"If you're father is nervous about this, I imagine that Kate is a basket case."

Alexis smiled, "Maybe not, she has her mom with her."

Martha chuckled, "I'll have to check in with Johanna later and see how Kate's preparations went and if she required a pep talk."

* * *

"Are you nervous?" Johanna asked as she caught the slight tremor in Kate's hand as she prepared to swipe mascara across her eyelashes.

She gave a short laugh, "Why would I be nervous?" she asked, "It's just Castle, I've been out with Castle lots of times," she stated; her light tone only serving to showcase the jitters she was obviously feeling.

"But it's a date this time," Johanna said, "It's different."

She shook her head, "It's…it's not a date," she stammered.

"Katie," her mother laughed, "It's a date."

"It's really not," she replied as she almost poked herself with the mascara wand.

Johanna smiled and took the mascara from her hands and then took hold of her arms and made her look at her. "Honey, it sounds like a date, it looks like a date, and if it sounds and looks like a date, then chances are…it's a date."

Kate sighed, "I know….I know, it's a date."

"That's okay," her mother told her, "It's a good thing, not a bad thing."

"How do you know for sure?" she asked, "It might be a mistake."

"No it isn't," Johanna told her, "It's a step in the right direction; a small step forward. You said you wanted to move forward, didn't you?"

"Yes, but…I don't know…maybe I'm not ready for this."

Johanna laughed softly, "Katie, it's just a night out. I don't think he's going to ask you to elope."

The statement made her laugh and then she looked at her mother. "I know…I'm ridiculous."

"No you're not," she told her, "You're just nervous and that's okay too."

"But why am I nervous?" she asked, "It isn't like I'm a teenager and this is my first date; and like I said we've been out before."

"You're nervous because it means something more this time," her mother replied, "It's normal."

"It is?"

"Yes," she said with a soft indulgent laugh.

"Were you nervous when you went out with Dad the first time?"

Johanna nodded, "Of course I was."

Kate took a deep breath and released it, in an attempt to steady her nerves. "Does it last the whole night?"

"No," her mother told her, "Once you get there and relax everything will be fine. It'll seem just like all of those other times you went out together, only this time it will feel a little more special."

Kate nodded and then she smiled softly, "Thanks."

"Anytime," she said as she patted her back and admired the way she looked in her dress. "This dress really suits you," she told her.

"Thanks for that too," Kate replied as she looked at herself in the mirror; thankful that she had given in and kept it.

"You already thanked me enough when you kept it," Johanna said as she handed back the mascara wand, "Here, try not to poke your eye out. That would definitely kill your evening"

She laughed, "Yeah, that would put a damper on things."

Johanna retook her seat on the bed and watched as Kate applied her makeup with a steadier hand until there was a knock at the door.

"He said 6:30!" she exclaimed as she glanced at the clock and saw that it was only 6:18. "I'm not finished yet!"

"Relax," Johanna told her as she got up, "It's probably Ryan and Esposito."

"It's probably Castle," she stated as a second knock sounded, "He gets anxious."

"Then he'll just have to wait until you're ready," her mother remarked as she left the room and went to answer the door.

Johanna unlocked the door and swung it open, to reveal Ryan and Esposito on the other side.

She smiled, "I was right; it's my dinner guests."

Esposito grinned, "That's so much nicer than what Castle called us."

She stepped back and allowed them inside, "What did Rick call you?"

"Moochers," Ryan told her.

She laughed and slid the locks back into place, "I don't think you boys have reached that status yet."

"Where's Beckett?" Esposito asked.

"She's still getting ready," Johanna told them, "Make yourselves comfortable and I'll go help her finish up."

They took up residence on Kate's sofa and turned their attention to the television.

"Don't worry about us," Ryan told her.

Johanna headed back to Kate's room and found her dragging her brush through her hair, a look of frustration on her face.

"I told you it was the boys," Johanna told her.

"I'm glad you were right," Kate replied as she sat down the brush, "I don't know what to do with my hair."

"You should wear it up," Johanna told her as she moved to stand behind her. She reached out to sweep up Kate's brown locks but hesitated and asked, "May I?"

Kate was quiet for a second and then she nodded, "Yeah," she answered, "Go ahead."

Johanna skillfully styled Kate's hair into an elegant updo and then stepped back. "If you don't like that, we can try something else."

Kate smiled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror, "Actually, I like it," she admitted, "I think it looks right with the dress."

Her mother smiled in pride, glad that she had been allowed to take on the task and that the results had been successful.

Kate put on her earrings and then she laughed, "Why does it feel like I'm going to the prom?"

"Because that was probably the last time I helped you get ready for a date," Johanna said with a laugh.

"That could be it," she replied as she put on a necklace and then a bracelet. She then reached for the dainty watch she kept for dressy occasions and realized that the battery had died.

"Damn," she said, "My watch quit."

Johanna pulled her own watch off her wrist, "Here, take mine," she said holding it out to her.

"You sure?" Kate asked as she looked at the classy looking silver watch her mother had in her hand.

She nodded, "Go ahead, what do I need it for?"

She hesitated for a moment more and then took the watch from her mother's hand and slipped it onto her wrist.

"I'll take care of it."

"I'm not worried about it," Johanna said, "What else do you need to do?"

"Put my shoes on and find a purse," Kate told her, "I neglected to do that earlier."

* * *

Ryan and Esposito were still channel surfing when the next knock came at the door.

"I'll get it," Esposito called out as he got up from the couch and moved in the direction of the door. When he opened it, he grinned at the sight of Castle standing in the hallway with two bouquets of flowers in hand.

"Bro, you brought me and Ryan flowers?" he teased, "You shouldn't have."

"I didn't," he replied, "You two moochers are getting enough. Is she ready?"

"She's finishing up," Ryan stated.

"I'll let her know you're here," Esposito told him; his tone full of amusement as he turned in the direction of the hallway and yelled, "Hey Beckett, the macaroni's here."

There was laughter from the vicinity of the bedroom as Castle glared at his friend.

"I'm telling Johanna to withhold your dinner."

"She won't do that," he replied.

"Maybe she could drop it on the floor first before she serves it to you."

"What's going on?" Johanna asked as she entered the room. Kate had requested that she go out and keep the occupants in the living room under control while she finished shoving her things into her evening bag and took a moment to compose herself.

"Don't feed him," Castle said; pointing a finger at Esposito.

"I have to," Johanna replied, "I already cooked everything."

"Told you," the detective gloated.

"Is she ready?" he asked Johanna as his gaze shifted towards the hallway.

She nodded, "She's just putting her stuff in her purse. She'll be out in a minute."

"We already told him that," Ryan announced, "But apparently our word isn't good enough."

Johanna laughed as she looked at her daughter's date, "Relax, Rick. I'm sure that by now you know that it takes us a while before we feel as though we look our best."

"I'm sure she looks gorgeous," he commented.

"She does," her mother agreed and then she grinned mischievously, "I'd tell you that you look handsome but you'd probably tell me that you already know that."

He smiled at her, "You're right, I do know, but I appreciate the compliment all the same."

"I don't know," Ryan said, "I don't think he looks all that great; what do you think, Javi?"

"You're right," he remarked, "He's looked better. I don't think he put much effort into this."

"You're both just jealous," Castle replied, "Even on my worst day, I look better than the two of you."

They scoffed. "Hey, I was in the NYPD calendar," Esposito stated.

"The group picture," Castle reminded him.

"I got letters," he replied in his own defense.

"I know," Castle said, "Ryan told me about those three letters from your mom."

Johanna laughed as Esposito glared at Castle.

"They weren't all from my mom, he declared, "And Ryan just said that because he's jealous. He didn't even make the group photo."

"Hey," Ryan exclaimed, "Don't act like I haven't had offers," he said, "Remember that strip club guy? He offered me a job as that dude from Twilight."

"Twilight?' Johanna asked, "That's that vampire movie, isn't it?"

"Yes," Castle replied, "Apparently some delusional person thinks Ryan can pass for a vampire."

"That pale guy?" she asked wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"That's the one," Ryan replied.

"Oh honey," Johanna said, "That's not a compliment at all. You're much cuter than he is."

Castle and Esposito groaned while Ryan grinned.

"Thank you," he stated as he beamed, "Finally there's someone around here with taste."

"Wait a minute," Esposito said as he looked at Johanna, "Castle's handsome and Ryan's cute; what the hell am I? Yesterday's newspaper?"

"You're adorable," she told him; a grin on her lips.

He thought about that for a second and then nodded, "I can live with that. Being adorable is better than being cute."

"I want a second opinion on the state of your adorableness and Ryan's cuteness," Castle announced.

Johanna laughed, "You're all equally handsome, cute, and adorable."

"Not all of us," Castle remarked smugly, "One of us is a little more outstanding than the others."

"Thanks, Castle," Esposito said, "It's nice to know you've finally recognized me for what I am."

"I was speaking of myself," Castle replied, "You, my friend, are merely disillusioned by your three fan letters, which for the record, can not compare with my fan letters. None of which has been written by my mother."

"Katie," Johanna yelled, "Get out here before the war of conceitedness gets out of control."

The bedroom door opened and a moment later Kate stepped into the room.

"Wow," Castle stated as his gaze roamed over her from head to toe, taking in the sight of her in that little black dress. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you, Castle," she said shyly.

"Lanie gave me orders to take a picture of you and send it to her," Esposito announced as he held up his phone and clicked a picture of her.

"She didn't trust me to do it myself?" she asked.

"Nope," he stated, "She was afraid you'd forget."

"If this is what you look like when you don't go on a date," Ryan said, "What do you look like when you do go on one?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," she shot back, "And by the way, I heard you're little discussion that was going on out here."

"And?" the three men asked.

"And I was just wondering if any of you gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, thought to pay her a compliment in recognition of feeding your egos for you," she said with a nod in her mother's direction.

Johanna laughed, "I'm old enough to be their mother," she told her, "They aren't going to pay me any compliments."

"I don't care about your age," Kate replied, "You're aging gracefully; you're still beautiful."

"Thank you," Johanna told her, "That's sweet of you, you look stunning."

"We don't care about your age either, do we Ryan?" Esposito stated.

"No," he replied, "I bet you could be mistaken for our sister."

Espositio nodded in agreement, "We'd probably have to keep guys from hitting on you if we took you out somewhere."

Not be out done, Castle stepped forward, "Beauty is apparently an inherited trait; you're both stunning," he stated.

Johanna was blushing and Kate was laughing.

"Thank you," her mother stated, "You're all lying, but I appreciate it."

"We're not lying!" they all protested.

"Are you going to give her those flowers, Rick?" Johanna asked; changing the subject, "Or are you going to carry them around all night?"

Her words reminded him of the bouquets still in his hand and he held one out to Kate. "For you," he said with a smile.

"Thank you," she replied, "They're beautiful."

He then turned to Johanna, "And for you," he told her, holding out the second bouquet.

"For me?" she questioned as she accepted the flowers.

He nodded, "Yes."

"Suck up," the boys coughed; earning them a glare from Castle.

"Consider those flowers a small measure of compensation for what you must endure tonight," he told her.

"Thank you, Rick," she told him, "That was very sweet of you."

"Speaking of compensation," Esposito spoke up, "When can I pick up the Ferrari?"

Castle grinned at him, "Not until Johanna has her ride in it."

"What?" he asked, "How did she get in line ahead of me?"

"Ladies first," Castle replied.

"Did I miss something?" Kate asked.

"I promised her a ride in the Ferrari," Castle told her.

She laughed, "How did that come about?"

"I've always wanted to ride in one," Johanna told her, "And when I heard it was being used as compensation, I put my name on the list."

"When is she getting her ride?" Ryan asked, "Because I have to wait until Javi's week is up before I get my turn."

Castle shrugged, "We haven't scheduled her ride yet. I'll get back to you."

Kate shook her head as her mother took the flowers from her hand. "I'll go put these in water," she told her.

Kate checked her bag making sure she had everything and then when Johanna was back in the room Castle turned towards her.

"You ready?" he asked, anxious to get the evening started.

"Almost," she said and then she turned to Ryan and Esposito and eyed them seriously.

"Make sure to keep the door locked."

They nodded with bored expressions on their faces and Johanna smiled as she watched the scene.

"Call me…"

"We know, Beckett," Esposito interrupted, "Call if anything comes up."

"Keep the door locked," Ryan stated.

"Don't tell your mom any stories that will scare her and cause her to worry about you," Espo stated.

"Don't talk to strangers," Ryan added, and Johanna stifled a laugh.

"And don't take any wooden nickels," his partner stated, "Does that about cover it?"

Kate glared at them, a hint of a smirk on her lips, "Just take care of my mother," she said firmly, "Because if you don't, I'll hurt you."

"What do you think were going to do?" Ryan asked, "Leave her on somebody's doorstep?"

"You guys are real comedians tonight," she replied as she rolled her eyes.

Johanna laughed, "I'll be fine, Katie. Don't worry about anything."

She nodded and then she smiled, "If they give you too much trouble, handcuff them and tape their mouths shut and lock them in the closet and I'll deal with them when I get back."

"Alright," her mother told her, "I'll keep that mind."

"And feel free to withhold the brownies," Castle told her.

"Hey," they both cried in protest.

There was a knock at the door and Johanna opened it and found Jim on the other side. Her husband stepped into the room and smiled at the sight of his daughter.

"You look beautiful, Katie," he told her.

"Thanks Dad," she replied.

"It's about time you two made it official."

Kate shook her head and so did Castle, "It's not like that," she stated, "It's just a night out."

Jim laughed, "What was I thinking?" he replied, "I mean god forbid if you two should date."

Kate shot a pleading look at her mother.

"Dinner's about ready," Johanna announced, hoping the men that were keeping her company for the evening would migrate towards the kitchen, but it appeared as though her husband wasn't finished tormenting their daughter, and Ryan and Esposito were eager to watch the show.

Jim eyed Rick with all the seriousness a protective father could muster. "Are you taking her somewhere nice?" he asked.

"Yes," he replied, "I'm taking her to a very nice restaurant."

"It better be," he replied, "My daughter deserves the best."

He nodded, "I agree."

"Dad," Kate warned as she took Castle's arm and nudged him towards the door, "We have to go."

"You're going to be a gentleman, aren't you?" Jim teased lightly, "You're going to open her car door and pull out her chair and all of that, right?" he asked, "Because if you're not, she can't go. We don't allow her to go out with men who don't treat her right."

"You have my word," Castle promised.

"Dad, I'm a little old for this," Kate stated.

"Come on, Katie," he laughed, "It's been a long time since I've gotten to interrogate your dates. Let me enjoy the moment."

"You're moment is up."

"What time will you have her back, Rick?" Jim asked.

"Oh my god," Kate said as the boys laughed.

"I don't know," Castle said with a grin, "What's her curfew?"

Jim smiled, "Well we let her stay out until two on prom night; I guess this occasion is a little more special so we'll give her an extra half hour. Have her back by two-thirty."

"Alright, that's enough," Johanna stated as she moved between her husband and her daughter, "You've had your fun now go sit down and let them be so they can go."

Jim laughed and kissed Kate's cheek, "Have a nice time," he told her before shaking Castle's hand and retreating to the kitchen.

The boys were about to make some type of mischief laced comment but Johanna headed them off, "Not a word," she told them, "Go sit down."

"We have to make sure the door is locked," Esposito answered with a grin.

"I assure you, gentleman, that I am capable of locking the door without supervision," Johanna told them playfully, "I did go to college after all."

"We'll wait any way," Ryan said, "If we don't, she'll call and make us double check."

Kate looked at them and then to her mother, "Look at what I'm leaving you with; I feel sorry for you."

Johanna smiled and patted her arm, "Don't worry, I dealt with worse at my first law firm. I can handle them. Now you two go on and have a nice time."

"We shouldn't be out too late," Kate told her as Castle opened the door.

"Don't worry about it," Johanna said, "There's no reason to hurry home."

They said their goodbyes and then they were gone and Johanna set about putting the locks into place.

Esposito turned to Ryan, "Five bucks says we don't see her until morning."

Ryan scoffed, "She's not going to stay out that late. She'll be back by midnight."

"Is that a bet?" his partner asked.

Ryan held out his hand, "You're on."

"You're betting on my daughter?" Johanna asked as she eyed them.

They looked at each other and then back to Johanna.

"It's not the first time," Esposito admitted as they followed her to the kitchen.

"Yeah, you should see the money at stake in the precinct betting pool for when they finally make it official."

Johanna glanced at her husband, "Can you believe that; they're betting on Katie at work."

He laughed, "So? It's no different than that office pool about us."

"It is so different," she remarked as she began to fill their plates with the dinner she had prepared.

"How do you figure?"

"She's our daughter," she replied, "Not a racehorse."

The three of them laughed. "You're Frank and Naomi's daughter," Jim stated, "And you were bet on."

Johanna shook her head and smiled, "Exactly how much did Jeff win in that pool about us?" she asked as she handed them each their plates and then took a seat at the table.

"Enough to pay for a three day trip to the Bahamas."

"Wow," Ryan said.

"Don't get excited," Johanna said, "It was the 70's; prices were cheaper back then."

"Yeah," Jim said, "And they waited until the weekend of the wedding to crown the winner."

Esposito laughed, "Guess they wanted to make sure you two stuck together."

Johanna nodded, "Yeah, because there were times when it was questionable."

Jim smiled at her, "Those times never lasted long."

"Lucky for you," she answered.

"Where was Rick taking Katie tonight?" he asked.

"Dinner," she answered as she caught his gaze, "And then he's taking her to the theater to see Evita."

"I shouldn't have asked," he said; knowing that the topic of Katie getting an evening at the theater was sure to bring up the topic of how he had never taken her.

"At least Katie found someone who's willing to take her to the theater," she remarked casually.

Jim sighed, "Damn Rick."

Esposito looked at him, "Castle can be a troublemaker can't he?"

He nodded, "Apparently so."

It's not Rick's fault that you never took me to a show," Johanna said as she stabbed her fork into a piece of meat, "It's yours."

"You went to the theater plenty of times," Jim replied, "You went with your mother and Katie."

"But not with you," she remarked, "I wanted to go with you."

"I don't like the theater," he replied, "You know that, so I don't know why you always have to make a big deal out of it."

She shrugged as she glanced at him, "Maybe because it wouldn't have killed you to go with me just once."

"Probably would've just felt like it," Esposito quipped.

Ryan and Jim laughed and Johanna leveled the boys with a playful stare. "You know I can just keep those brownies for myself and Katie. I don't have to give you any."

They considered that for a moment and then decided where their loyalty laid.

Esposito looked at Jim, "Did she cook like this for you every day?"

"Yes," he replied.

"And you couldn't take her to the theater just once out of gratitude?" he asked lightly.

Johanna smiled while Jim gave a short laugh and looked at the Detective. "I thought you were on my side."

"I was," he replied, "Until I realized how wrong it was."

"You mean until she threatened to withhold the brownies," Jim stated.

"I'd take my wife to the theater," Ryan announced.

Esposito nodded, "If I had a wife and she cooked like this, I'd take her anywhere she wanted to go."

"Sure you would," Jim said.

"I would," he replied and then he looked to Johanna, "How about this," he said, "You adopt me and Ryan, cook for us once a week and keep us supplied with brownies and we'll take you to the theater."

She laughed, "I have to do all of that for one trip to the theater? I think I'm getting ripped off."

"Okay, two trips," Ryan amended.

"And we'll call you mom," Esposito threw in, "How about that?"

"It would be nice if someone called me mom," she couldn't help but comment.

"She's worked her way up to 'Mother'," Jim stated, "She'll get to 'Mom' eventually."

"Hopefully," she replied.

"Do we have a deal?" Ryan asked her, "Are you going to adopt us?"

She glanced at them, "I don't know, taking on two more kids is a big decision. Can I think about it?"

"Sure," Esposito told her, "You think it over."

"We can wait," Ryan agreed.

She smiled, she was becoming fond of Kate's friends, and a part of her wouldn't mind claiming all of them as her own. Ryan, Esposito, Lanie and Rick, were all very kind and respectful of her. She hadn't expected that at first, knowing that their loyalties laid with her daughter and that they were all protective of her in one way or another; but after the initial shock and awkwardness had worn off, each of them made an effort to make her feel at ease and she had been adopted into that protective circle that they had formed in regards to themselves and the people they loved most.

She caught her husband's eye and feeling playful she could resist saying, "Two other men have offered to take me to the theater. How do you like that?"

"Have a nice time," he told her, his tone a bit gruff.

"Really?" she asked, "You'd let me go off to the theater with other men?"

"Have her back by midnight," he said casting a glance at Ryan and Esposito as they watched the exchange.

Johanna shook her head at him and sighed, "Maybe one day you'll surprise me and take me yourself."

"Don't bet on it," he retorted.

Her brow rose at his tone, "Fine," she answered, "I'm used to it."

Jim looked at Ryan, "See what you get to look forward to now that you're married," he said, "35 years of the same argument."

Ryan grimaced and Esposito chuckled. "That's why I'm not getting married anytime soon."

"Technically," Johanna stated, "It has only been 34 years. It won't be 35 until August 18."

He shrugged, "Feels like 35," he responded, "I mean you'd think you would've gotten the hint after the first 15 years but obviously not."

Her eyes narrowed, "And you'd think after the first 15 years of me telling you empty out your pockets, you'd actually learn to do it, but surprise, I was still empting them out every laundry day."

"I don't know why you complained about it," he remarked, "You always kept any money you found."

"Well I figured if you left it in your pocket you either didn't want it or you had left it there as my tip for laundry service."

"You act like I never took you anywhere," he told her, "I took you plenty of places."

"Where?" she asked.

"Hawaii."

Johanna rolled her eyes, "That was our honeymoon."

"I didn't have to take you on a honeymoon," Jim replied, "I could've just taken you home after the wedding."

"I don't think so," she told him.

"I took you to parties, concerts, vacations. I bought you a house. You had access to a vehicle. You had a wallet full of credit cards, a check book, a closet full of designer clothes and enough shoes to open up your own store; not to mention everything else you always dragged home with you from your shopping expeditions. Don't act like you lacked for anything."

She shot him an unamused glare, "And I cleaned your house, cooked your meals, did your laundry, put up with your friends when you all congregated in our living room to watch whatever major sporting event of the week there was, put up with your mother, tended to you when you were sick, and I had my own job and my own money, so don't act like you had to pay all of the bills and support me. I did my share, and let's not forget that I also gave you a baby."

He looked at her, "Well you didn't get her on your own."

"Yeah, well I was the one who had give birth to her, and that trumps your participation. I was the one in pain for 22 hours. What were you doing?"

"I was holding your hand while you called me names I didn't even know you knew," he remarked.

"Give you a medal," Johanna stated.

Ryan and Esposito kept looking back and forth between them as they ate their dinner, wondering if they should say something or just accept the free entertainment.

"I did plenty for you," Jim told her.

"I never said you didn't."

"You implied it."

"I did not; all I said was that you never took me to the theater and that's the truth. You're the one who's hearing things I didn't say."

"Do you two want to fight alone?" Esposito finally asked, "Because Ryan and I can go into the other room."

"We're not fighting," Johanna said with a smile.

"You're not?" Ryan asked.

"No," she replied, "We're just having a civil conversation with differing viewpoints."

Jim didn't comment although she nudged his foot under the table and gave him a small smile, in an attempt to let him know that she wasn't trying to fight with him. He didn't respond to her though but she brushed it off, figuring he'd stew for a few minutes and then jump back into the conversation once she changed the subject.

She turned her attention to her dinner guests, "Well boys, do you have stories to tell me that aren't on Katie's blacklist?"

They thought about it for a moment and Ryan grinned, "We could tell her about the time Castle was cursed."

Esposito laughed, "Yeah, I think we can tell her that one."

"Sounds good," Johanna said, "Let's here it."

She listened intently as they told the story but she kept stealing glances at her husband who stubbornly remained quiet for the majority of the conversation. She didn't like the signs he was giving her…obviously he was in the mood for a fight and she didn't want to do that.

* * *

Kate's eyes scanned the sophisticated looking restaurant in wonder, taking in the lavish décor, with its vintage feel and romantic lighting. It was posh and beautiful, soft music filling the air, candles and flowers on the tables.

"This is beautiful, Castle," she said as they were seated at their table.

"I had a feeling you would like it here," he replied as he smiled, glad that he had chosen correctly.

Castle ordered from the wine list and then the waiter handed them their menus and left them alone to make their choices.

Kate opened the menu and her eyes were automatically drawn to the prices in the right hand column. She had enough presence of mind and self control to keep from gasping but the shock at the expensive prices must've shown on her face.

"Kate," Castle said lightly, "Don't look at the prices."

"How can I not?" she asked as her eyes scanned the list, each price seemingly higher than the last.

"Because you're not buying," he said with a laugh.

"It's a good thing," she replied, "I'd have to get a loan to afford it."

"Don't worry about the cost," he instructed.

"But it's so expensive," she whispered; feeling as though he may be going overboard for her, and it wasn't necessary.

"It's one of the best restaurants in New York," he told her.

"It should be for these prices," she murmured, "Are you sure you want to…"

"Kate," he said cutting her off midsentence, "I can afford it. I swear I won't go bankrupt from buying you a nice meal."

Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment. Here he was trying to give her a nice evening and she was allowing her insecurities to get the best of her and probably insulting him in the process.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she told him.

"No need to be sorry," he assured.

"I shouldn't have said anything about the prices, I…"

"It's fine," he replied; laying his menu aside and taking her hand, "And just so you know; you're well worth the cost…more than that actually. You're worth more than any price on that menu."

She smiled softly, "That's sweet."

Castle grinned, "Besides, I figured it was time to take you to a real restaurant and make an honest woman of you."

She glared at him playfully, "What are you implying, Castle? That you hide me away at fast food places like I'm some sort of mistress?"

"Not at all," he laughed, "I merely meant that it was time to give you something better; time to spoil you a little."

"I'm not used to having someone spoil me," she admitted.

"Well it's time we rectify that," he told her, "And besides," he teased, "I figured if you went home and told your mother I had taken you out for fast food, she'd hurt me the next time she saw me."

Kate laughed, "Is that why you brought her flowers? Are you sucking up to my mother?"

He looked at her with mischief in his blue eyes, "I figured it couldn't hurt," he said, "It's always wise to be on the mother's good side."

She nodded, "I guess that does have a certain logic."

"Of course it does," he replied, "And I thought it would be nice to give her something in gratitude for being willing to put up with Ryan and Esposito for an evening."

Kate smiled at him, "It was nice of you to think of her."

He caught her eye, "You always think of my family," he said, "You sent my mother flowers on her birthday; you gave Alexis that beautiful charm bracelet, which she loves, for graduation."

"I care about them," she replied, "I don't expect anything in return for it."

"I know you don't," he answered, "But it means a lot to me to know that you care about them; that they're important to you and I want you to know that I care about your family too."

"I know you do," she said softly, "Thank you."

"Always," he said with a smile.

The waiter returned with their wine and took their orders and then scurried away once again.

"Are you looking forward to the show?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied, "I can't wait. It's been a long time since I've been to the theater."

"I didn't know you were such a fan," he remarked, a hint of a teasing grin tugging at his lips.

Kate smirked at him, "Yeah well, it's not the type of news you share with someone who is likely to tease you about it."

He looked at her in mock shock, "Are you implying that I would tease you, Katherine Beckett?" he asked in horror.

She laughed, "You?" she responded in jest, "Never, I meant Ryan and Esposito. You know how those guys are, and I do have an image to maintain."

He nodded, "It's hard to be thought of as badass when people are thinking about you singing along to show tunes, right?"

"Right," she laughed, "So it can be our little secret."

"My lips are sealed," he said playfully, "Unless of course there is a reason that you would need them to be unsealed later."

Kate rolled her eyes, "Really?" she stated, "We haven't even made it through dinner yet and you're already making propositions."

"Who said anything about propositions?" he asked, "The statement was made with pure intentions; you are the one with your mind in the gutter."

She narrowed her eyes at him, "You're the one whose mind is always in the gutter, not mine."

He shrugged, "No need to be ashamed," he said, "It doesn't bother me that your mind is in the gutter."

"Oh my god," she laughed, "You're incorrigible."

His eyes sparkled, "Just the way you like it."

"I don't know about that," she teased.

"Try and deny it," he said, "No one will believe you."

He gazed at her, a perpetual smile on his lips that just wouldn't seem to fade, but of course how could it when Kate Beckett was sitting across the table from him, in that black dress, her hair swept up elegantly, and that gorgeous smile that he loved on her lips and her green eyes glittering with amusement and fondness. It was a beautiful sight to behold. One he wanted to savor and commit to memory for all time.

"I bet I could convince a few people if I really wanted too," she said in response to his statement.

"Nobody that matters," he remarked before turning the topic back to the subject of their evening. "Have you ever seen 'Evita' before?"

"My mom and I went to see the movie when it came out," she replied, "We loved it."

She was referring to Johanna more and more as 'mom', he noticed, and he couldn't help but wonder what would happen the day the word slipped from her lips in the presence of the woman in question. He had a feeling it would depend on how Johanna handled the situation, and if it would send Kate's emotions into a tailspin once more. He could see her growing closer to her mother, relaxing and becoming more comfortable with her but he knew that she was still holding back in some respect, and that not calling her 'mom' kept a small wall between them.

"Have you seen the show?" Kate asked, pulling him from his musings.

He smirked, "Growing up as the son of a Broadway diva, there aren't many shows that I haven't seen."

She laughed, "So you've seen it."

He nodded, "A long time ago, when I was a kid."

"Did you like it?" she asked, "I don't want you to have to sit through something that you don't like."

"I like it just fine," he answered with a smile.

"Good," she said, "Because I don't want to hear any complaining during the show," she teased.

"Not to worry," he told her, "I won't complain…but that doesn't mean I won't try to enhance the experience for you by offering special commentary during certain scenes."

She laughed, "As long as you're not going to sing along."

"What are you saying?" he asked, "I can't sing?"

Kate shrugged as the waiter placed their meal in front of them, "I guess it depends on what you're signing and how much effort you're putting into it."

"Just for that," he said, "I am totally singing along to 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'."

She laughed, "You do and I'll pretend like I'm not with you."

"I'll make sure they know you're with me," he teased with a threatening lilt in his voice.

Her brow rose, "And just how will you do that?"

"I'll wrap my arm around you and yell 'Sing with me Kate!'."

"And then I'll be forced to shoot you," she replied as she picked up her fork.

"You can't," he laughed, "You're unarmed."

She regarded him with a raised eyebrow, "What makes you so sure?"

He smirked knowingly at her, "For one thing, your purse is too small for your gun," he said as he eyed her small black bag, "Secondly," he stated as he reached for her purse and ran his hands over it, "There is no indication that it's carrying any weapon."

She snatched her purse back and shot him a look, "Maybe I'm concealing it on my body."

His eyes scanned her, "In that dress?" he stated, "I don't think so."

"You never know, it may be somewhere inconspicuous," she replied.

A smile slid across his lips, "Well then, maybe I should just give you a pat down in the name of public safety."

"You wouldn't dare," she stated.

"I would," he teased, "In the name of safety."

She shook her head, "Men," she stated, "Any excuse will do."

"Any excuse for what?" he asked.

"To get your hands where they're not supposed to be," she answered.

Castle gave her a playful look, "Are we going to talk dirty this early in the evening? Detective, I must say I'm surprised."

She gave him a flirtatious look, "Oh believe me, Castle, I'm capable of giving better surprises than that."

"I don't doubt that for a moment," he answered as he turned his attention to his food. "Bon appetite," he said as he raised his fork in salute to her.

"Wow, Castle, I'm impressed, you know two words of French," she teased as she finally sunk her own fork into her meal which she had been neglecting as they carried on their conversation.

He smiled mischievously, "If you liked that, you'll love my Julia Child impression."

Kate laughed, "I didn't know you did an impression of Julia Child."

He nodded, "I've been told that it's very well done."

"By who? Alexis or Martha?"

"Both."

"Any chance there was sarcasm involved?"

He thought about it for a moment, "No, I don't think so."

"You sure?"

"Fairly sure," he replied, "Do you want to hear it and form your own opinion before judging my talent so unfairly?" he asked; pretending to be offended by her implications.

She grinned, "I can't believe that I'm saying this, but you know I kind of want to hear it."

"Your wish is my command," he answered before launching into his imitation of Julia Child, which had Kate giggling uncontrollably, forcing her to clamp a hand over her mouth to keep from embarrassing herself in front of the whole restaurant.

* * *

After dinner and desert had been served, Johanna cleaned up the kitchen by herself. Ryan had offered to help her but she had smiled and declined the offer, telling him to join Esposito and Jim in the living room. She could hear the men conversing, speaking about the ball game they had found on television. Apparently her husband was only giving her the cold shoulder after their dinner conversation. That was fine, she told herself as she put the dishes away, she'd give him a bit of space by taking her time in the kitchen and then finding another task to keep her busy. It would pass, the ballgame would occupy him and he'd forget about how her comment about the theater had rubbed him the wrong way.

He avoided her gaze when she entered the living room and she sighed quietly before catching Ryan's eye.

"Since you guys are here, am I free from carrying my phone and the gun with me if I go put some things away?" she asked.

Ryan and Esposito consulted each other with a look and then nodded. "Sure," Ryan told her.

"Go do whatever you need to do;" Esposito told her, "We have everything under control."

She nodded and retreated to her bedroom where a basket full of laundry waited to be put away. She had been going about her task for a few minutes when she heard footsteps in the hallway and she smiled slightly figuring her husband was over his silent treatment of her.

Jim stepped inside Johanna's room and shut the door, "I'm going to go," he told her.

She put the clothes she was holding in the dresser drawer and shut it. "Already?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, "I don't want Katie thinking I was waiting for her to come home, and I don't want to hear about her trip to the theater so it can set you off about it again."

"Hey," she said softly, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," he answered, "I'm just tired of hearing it. After all these years you should get the point. I'm not taking you to anything that has to do with Broadway, I hate it and I'm not going. I don't know why it's always such a big deal to you."

She looked him in the eye, "Did you ever think about asking me why?"

"No," he said, "Because it doesn't matter, nothing you say or any story you have to tell is going to change anything. The answer would still be no."

That remark stung her a bit, "My thoughts and feelings don't matter?" she asked.

"Not when it comes to this," he replied.

"That's not fair," she replied, "I've done things with you that I didn't like."

"I didn't force you too," he said, "If you choose to go along with something you didn't like, then that was your problem. You could've said no."

She forced herself to keep her temper in check, "Yeah, I could've said no, but I didn't, because if it meant something to you then it was worth doing whether I enjoyed it or not. You were worth my time, Jim. Aren't I worth a few hours of yours?"

"You can have all my time you want," he said, "Outside of the theater."

"Fine," she said.

"I'll see you later," he told her; his tone still tense and sharp.

"Don't go," she told him; laying a hand on his arm but he moved, causing her hand to fall away.

"It's better if I do," he stated as he opened the bedroom door and walked out.

She sighed heavily and deciding that she didn't want to leave things they way they were at that moment, she left the room and followed after him.

She followed Jim to the door and was about to step outside with him when Esposito's voice sounded behind her.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" he asked.

"I'm going out in the hallway, I'll be right back," she replied.

The boys shook their heads. "Beckett didn't say you had hallway privileges," he responded.

She looked at him and smiled, "Well she must've forgotten; and besides, she isn't here."

Esposito eyed her, "What is this, test the limits with the new babysitter?" he asked.

She nodded, "Something like that. Go eat another brownie; I'll be right outside the door."

Esposito looked to Ryan, "What do you think?"

"I don't know," he answered hesitantly.

"I won't tell if you don't," she stated as she grabbed the door handle and stepped outside.

"You've got five minutes," Espo yelled after her.

"Or ten," she called back.

Johanna closed the door and faced her husband once again.

"Don't be mad at me," she told him, "I didn't mean anything by it."

He scoffed, "You always mean something by it, Johanna."

"What?" she asked, "What do you think I mean by it? It doesn't mean anything other than what it is."

"It's your way of saying I didn't give you everything you wanted," he remarked as he looked her in the eye.

"That's not true," she replied, "You're just reading into it more than you should."

"No I'm not," he argued, "I never took you to the theater, I didn't take you to Europe that summer you wanted to go, I didn't always take you out when you wanted to go, I didn't always take your side against my mother, I made you put up with her."

She rolled her eyes, "Are you through?" she asked, "Because you're being ridiculous. You gave me everything I wanted the day you married me. You didn't take me to Europe that summer because you said you wanted to wait so we could go without Katie; so it could be a well deserved second honeymoon for us and I agreed with that. I don't recall being upset about it. As for your mother, I didn't need you to take my side. I was capable of handling Elizabeth all on my own. I can defend myself. Yes, there were times when I wanted you to take me out and you said no; but there were times when I said no to you as well. That's called being married. You're just making something out of nothing."

"You're the one who makes something out of nothing," he shot back, "Like this theater business."

She sighed, "I swear that I'll never say another word about it, alright?"

"Right," he said sarcastically.

"Jim," she said softly, moving towards him, "Let's not do this, okay? I'm sorry; I didn't mean to start an argument."

He looked at her and he knew that she was sincere, that she hadn't meant to start something, but she played upon the series of regrets that he had been living with for thirteen years and those regrets were wrapped around the feelings of anger he still had towards her and their situation. He pressed a light chaste kiss against her mouth and said, "Goodnight Johanna."

She grabbed hold of his jacket, keeping him from turning away from her. "Don't kiss me like you're obligated too," she told him, "Kiss me like you mean it or don't do it at all."

"Fine," he said, "I won't kiss you."

Johanna tightened her hold on his jacket, not allowing him to go. She moved closer until her body was against his and then she looked him in the eye.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "Don't go home mad."

"I'm not mad."

She smiled sadly, "Yes you are. I know when you're angry with me, Jim."

"Your five minutes are probably about up," he stated, "You should go back in."

She shook her head, "No, I'm not done talking to you yet," she said.

"Maybe you should be."

"Don't be upset with me," she told him as she slipped an arm around him, "You know how it is, when you made me a wife, occasional nagging came with the ring and part of the job description. I can't help it," she teased in an attempt to lighten his mood.

"The nagging has never been an attractive feature on you," he commented.

She allowed that comment to roll off her back without response. "I couldn't have asked for a better husband, Jim," she said seriously, "You gave me everything, you still do. You've always been good to me, probably more than I deserved because I'm sure you could've asked for a better wife."

He didn't mean to say it but it slipped out anyway, "Whose fault is that?" he said, and when he saw the pain in her eyes he regretted it.

"Mine," she whispered.

"I'm sorry," he told her, his hands finding their way to her waist, "I didn't mean that."

"It's fine," she said, forcing a small smile to her lips, "It's the truth and I opened the door for it. I deserved it."

Jim shook his head, "No you didn't, and it's not true."

She didn't want to fight, she didn't want him to walk away angry with her and so she looked at him and whispered, "Let's just kiss and make up."

"Jo…."

"Shhh," she said as she closed the distance between them and brought her lips to his. He didn't give in to her at first, but she didn't allow that to deter her. They'd played that game in the past as well, and after a moment he gave in and accepted her kiss.

She kissed him deeply and with meaning, allowing it to linger before it ended and then she smiled at him, "Wasn't that better?" she asked.

"Don't," he told her as he carefully pushed her away.

Hurt flickered in her eyes, "Why?"

"You know why," he said with frustration.

She glanced away long enough to blink back the sting of tears and then looked at him, "Is that what this is about, Jim?" she asked, "Is that why you're picking a fight with me?"

"I'm not picking a fight with you!" he exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"Yes you are!" she remarked, "You've picked enough of them with me over the years that I think I know the signs."

"Think what you want," he told her as he pulled her hand away from his jacket and started to walk away.

She was hot on his heels and grabbed his arm, "Don't walk away from me."

"Johanna," he said, his tone almost pleading.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

He sighed heavily and looked at her, "Nothing."

"It's not nothing," she replied, "Talk to me."

"I'm tired of this," he said, "We're married and yet we have to live separately, I can't touch you too much or kiss you too often because then I'm going to want you and I can't have you. It's like you're just dangled in front of me, Johanna. For thirteen years all I wanted was to have you back and now you're here and we're still not together."

"Do you think I want it to be this way?" she asked, "Do you think I like having to live like this?"

He shrugged, "You seem to do alright with it."

"What choice do I have, Jim?" she questioned, "I have to make the best of it; it's better than what I had."

"Yeah, I know, you always make the best of everything," he replied with a slight hint of disdain in his tone.

"You say it like it's a bad thing."

He looked at her, "We can't all be like you, Johanna, some of us don't have your propensity for coping."

She scoffed, "You don't have any idea about how I've coped," she told him, "So don't act like you do."

"You do just fine," he said, "You always have."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him, "What, do you think I'm lying when I say I want to go home with you? Do you think that I don't want to go to bed with you? Do you seriously think that I'm enjoying any of this? That I like being in this holding pattern with our relationship? You're not the only one who's spent the past thirteen years wishing for someone, Jim. I've spent them wanting you."

"It's not the same," he answered.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "You know what, I'm not having this argument with you. If you want to go home and be mad at me or hate me for a little while, then go for it."

For some reason, that was exactly what he wanted. He just wanted to be mad at her and maybe it was wrong but it was how he felt and so he nodded in agreement.

"Goodnight, Johanna."

"Are you coming back tomorrow?" she asked.

"I'll be around sometime," he answered, "Now go on back inside, so I can go," he instructed.

She couldn't squash the urge to roll her eyes. If he thought he was getting sick of things then he ought to be in her shoes for a day. At least he was free to come and go as he pleased. All she got to do was take orders, not only from her daughter, but from three other people who were also young enough to be her children, not to mention her husband.

"Goodnight," she said sharply as she grabbed the doorknob and twisted, swinging the door open and stepping inside before she slammed it shut.

"Everything alright?" Esposito asked her as she locked the door.

She turned to him, "Is anything ever alright when a woman has to put up with a man?" she asked.

Her daughter's friends looked at each other as if they were debating the merits of answering that question.

"I'm not touching that one," Ryan stated.

Esposito looked at Johanna and the expression on her face, "Would you feel better if we apologized on behalf of the male species?"

The comment made her smile, "I may have to adopt the two of you after all," she said.

Ryan grinned, "Does that mean a life time supply of brownies?"

Johanna laughed, "I guess we could come to an agreement on that."

"Do you want us to have a word with him?" Esposito offered with a grin, "Because we will; just like if Beckett came home with that look on her face, we'd go have a word with Castle."

She smiled at them fondly, "Thanks for the offer boys, maybe some other time. And just for the record, if Katie comes home in this mood I'm going to have a word with Rick myself and he won't like it."

They laughed, "I'd pay to see that," Ryan answered.

"Let's hope you won't have to," Johanna remarked before she made her way back to her bedroom to finish putting away her laundry. She went about her task but her mind was on her husband. It had been a long time since he picked a fight with her…and those types of fights were rarely ever solely about her. They were usually about himself. It looked as though it was her turn to deal with a stubborn man and the thoughts tormenting his mind.

* * *

At the theater, Castle watched Kate more than he watched the show. He loved seeing her become enthralled by the performances, her attention riveted to the stage. Her hand had slipped into his sometime towards the end of the first act and he had been smiling ever since. Every now and then he'd lean towards her and whisper his own brand of commentary in her ear; eliciting smiles and eye rolls and on one occasion a laugh that she had been forced to disguise as a cough.

He couldn't help but find it fascinating to watch her become so engrossed in something that had nothing to do with crime scenes and murders. She was relaxed and at ease and he was glad that he had been able to provide her with an escape for the evening. When the play was over she was beaming from enjoyment and she kept hold of his hand as they joined the crowd filing out of the theater.

When they stepped outside he turned to her and said, "Where to now? The Old Haunt for a drink?"

Kate smiled, "There's something else I'd like to do first."

"Name it," he told her.

"You'll probably think I'm crazy," she replied, "But I want ice cream."

Castle grinned, "Then ice cream you shall have."

"How very accommodating of you," she teased.

"I aim to please," he remarked as they got into the back of the car. "Did you enjoy the show?"

"I did," she answered, "It was amazing, thank you for taking me to see it."

He smiled, "Well I figured since we can't run away to Argentina, I could at least take you to a play set in Argentina."

Kate laughed lightly, "Close enough, and less expensive."

"Oh I'll get you to South America one day," Castle promised, "This was just a consolation prize to hold you over."

She grinned at him, "You're planning on taking me on vacation?"

He nodded, "Why not?"

She shrugged, "Okay, but when you're ready to go can you give me a little more notice than you did for this night out? Packing will take me longer than getting ready for to go to dinner."

Castle laughed, "Sure…I'll give you at least two days notice for a trip out of the country."

"I appreciate that."

"Unless of course we're on the run…then we'll have to go without packing."

"Why would we be on the run?" she asked with a laugh.

Castle shrugged, "Hey, with us you never can tell. Anything's possible."

"I guess that's true but I would hope that we don't end up in a situation where we have to flee the country."

"It could be exciting though," he replied.

"There are easier ways to find excitement, Castle," she replied.

"Maybe I'll save that idea for Nikki and Rook."

Kate nodded, "That sounds good."

"Really?"

She laughed, "Yeah…it can be Rook's fault that they have to flee."

"Rook's fault?"

She nodded, "Well it isn't going to be Nikki's fault."

"How do you know?"

Kate smirked at him, "Come on, Castle, Nikki isn't going to do something that would cause the need to flee the country. That's Rook's department."

"I think Rook may be getting an unfair assessment here," he replied.

She giggled, "No, I think Rook has been assessed and pegged properly."

"Maybe he'll just go without Nikki."

"He won't."

"What makes you so sure?"

She looked at him, her gaze a mixture of amusement and flirtatiousness, "Because if he went alone then who would he have to play with?"

Castle laughed, "Good point. Nikki's going to have to go with him."

"If only to keep him out of a foreign jail."

"Hey," he shot back playfully.

She laughed, "Did you enjoy the show, Castle?"

"I did," he replied, "I think it was better than the last time I saw it."

"I'm surprised you were able to make a comparison," she commented.

"Why's that?"

"Because it seemed like you were watching me more than the play," Kate told him.

He gave her a mischievous grin, "Can I help it if you're more captivating than Broadway?"

She blushed as she rolled her eyes, "That was cheesy, Castle."

"Don't say cheesy," he replied, "It makes me think of macaroni."

Kate giggled, "You're never going to live that down, and neither am I since you included me in it."

His eyes sparkled with humor, "I don't know why you pretend to be bothered by it," he stated, "Everyone already knows that you like being the cheese to my macaroni."

She shook her head, "Castle, I can honestly say that I have never thought of us in terms of macaroni and cheese; and besides, I thought you were going to think up a more suitable food comparison."

"I did," he replied, "Remember; you're the icing to my cupcake."

"Oh my god," she said as she laughed, "I'm surprised nobody's had us put in for psychiatric evaluations."

"It'll probably happen one day," he mused, "Gates will probably be the one to order it."

Kate caught his gaze, "You know, I wouldn't be afraid to bet on that one."

They laughed together and then fell quiet for the rest of the journey to the ice cream parlor.

Once there, Castle stood by as Kate made her selection and told the lady behind the counter what she wanted.

"A vanilla ice cream cone," he teased, "Kate, you wild woman you."

She glared at him, "Shut up, Castle. Do I judge what you eat?"

He nodded, "All the time."

"That's because you eat weird things."

"At least they're exciting…unlike vanilla."

"I like vanilla," she remarked.

"Alright," he replied, "Have your plain, uninteresting, vanilla ice cream cone."

She smirked at him and then turned back to the lady at the counter, "Put some rainbow sprinkles on it please," she requested and then she looked back at Castle, "There, now my ice cream has some excitement. Are you happy now?"

He grinned, "Yes."

She took her ice cream cone and waited as he ordered a cone of mint chocolate chip and then they sat down in one of the booths and for a while they quietly ate their ice cream. At least until she realized Castle was staring at her as she licked her ice cream.

"Stop that," she told him, jarring him from his thoughts.

"Stop what?" he asked.

"Watching me eat my ice cream."

He laughed, "You're sitting across from me, how can I not watch you?"

"You don't have to watch me like…_that_."

"Like what?"

"Like you're thinking things you shouldn't be."

"I'm not thinking anything."

"It looked like it."

"What could I possibly be thinking?"

"I don't know," she answered, "But it was probably lewd."

He laughed, "When have I ever had lewd thoughts about you?"

"To hear you tell it, all the time," she remarked.

"I was not thinking lewd thoughts," he stated with only a hint of a grin on his lips.

"Sure you weren't," she replied.

"I think you're mind is in the gutter tonight," he told her.

Kate rolled her eyes, "No, you just keep leading it there with your suggestive staring."

"Suggestive staring!" he exclaimed.

She laughed, "Don't lie about it, Castle. I saw it with my own eyes."

Castle caught her eye, "Maybe I'll just say no comment."

"That might be best," she laughed.

When they finished their ice cream they set off to the Old Haunt for the rest of their evening.

* * *

"Why isn't the bar open?" she asked as Castle took his keys from his pocket.

"I had them close early tonight."

Kate caught his eye as he opened the door, "You closed the bar early on a Saturday night…for me?" she asked.

He smiled, "Not just for you," he replied as they stepped inside and relocked the door, "It's for us."

The sound of those words made her heart skip a beat and she smiled at him in fondness. "This is sweet of you."

He guided her to a stool at the bar and then he went around behind it. "I figured this way we could have the whole place to ourselves instead of being locked away in the office."

She had to admit that it was nice to be the only people there, and she smiled as he handed her a drink.

They chatted for awhile and then his gaze shifted around the room.

"How about a game of pool?" he asked.

"I don't really know how to play," she replied.

"I'll teach you," he offered as he came out from behind the bar and led the way to the pool table.

He racked up the pool balls and then he selected a cue for each of them and began to explain the game. She listened intently and then watched as he took his first shot. When it was her turn, he came up behind her, putting his arms around her and showing her the proper way to hold the cue stick and how to shoot. She allowed him to do this for several shots and then later in the game when it was her turn and required a complicated shot, she brushed off his effort to help her and told him she'd try it on her own.

She easily and skillfully made the shot, knocking three of the balls into various pockets. Castle looked stunned as he gazed at her and she smiled wickedly.

"You're a very good teacher," she stated playfully, and his mind was thrown back in time to the home invasion case they had worked together, not long after he had began shadowing her, and that day at the shooting range when he had made the same remark to her after he had allowed her to teach him how to shoot despite already knowing.

He grinned, "Oh you've been waiting a long time to get even for that one, haven't you."

She smiled proudly, "You see, Castle, I may forgive but I never forget."

"Well if all of your forms of revenge require me to have such close personal contact with you, then by all means Detective, punish me;" he said mischievously, "I'm a very bad boy."

Kate laughed, "I know, I've read your file."

"The file is only half the story," he quipped, "You'll need personal demonstrations for the rest of it."

"I'll pass," she replied as he took his next shot.

"Who taught you to play pool? The grandfather that taught your mother how to play poker?"

"No," she replied, "Actually it was my Dad and his friend Jeff."

"Your godfather, right?" he asked; wanting to be clear on the details.

Kate nodded, "Jeff had his own pool table and the two of them taught me and Jeff's kids how to play."

"What about your mother?" he asked. "Did they teach her?"

She laughed, "They tried but Mom just couldn't get the hang of pool."

"Really," he stated with a grin, "Now I know how I'm going to get even for the poker incident."

"She's not going to be stupid enough to play pool with you, Castle."

"I bet I could convince her."

She shook her head, "No you can't. She doesn't play games that she isn't good at, Johanna Beckett hates to lose."

"Must be a hazard of her profession."

"Or her upbringing," Kate replied.

"What kind of lawyer was she?" he asked, "Did she win a lot, or was it more of an even split."

"She was good," Kate answered, "Really good. She lost cases once in awhile but she had a lot more wins than losses. I got to watch her a few times…it was always amazing to see her in the courtroom. She was like a different person there; she could just get into this certain mindset and go after what she wanted. She could take people apart on the stand, she could poke holes into opposing arguments and then she could make very persuasive closing arguments. Dad always said she was at her best during closing arguments, that she knew just how to say things and how to persuade the juries."

He was thoughtful for a moment, "Some of that must've passed on to you…I never get tired of watching you interrogate suspects. You're the best at that, you know."

She shrugged, "I wouldn't say that."

"Of course not," he replied, "You're modest, but as someone who's been watching you do it for four years, I feel qualified in naming you as the best."

"Thanks," she replied.

They finished their game and he went and flipped a switch and soon soft music was filling the air and he was in front of her, holding out his hand.

"I know it isn't a kitchen, but I thought it might work just the same."

She took his hand, that giddy grin spreading across her lips as he pulled her close and began to sway to the music. He waited until they had danced to a few songs before he broke the easy silence that had fallen between them.

"I know that this is special to you because your parents did it, but is there more to it than that?" he asked, "Some little tidbit that was passed on to you about what makes dancing like this so meaningful."

Kate looked at him, her teeth sinking into her lip as she debated about whether to tell him the explanation Johanna had given her long ago when she had asked a similar question.

"I won't laugh," he whispered to her as if sensing her hesitation.

She smiled and her gaze shifted away for a moment and then back to his face. "My mom told me that dancing was one of the most beautiful, romantic things that there is because for a small amount of time, you're close to someone you care about deeply. She always said that you'd be amazed at the memories you can make during the span of a single dance, and that the song that plays during that moment becomes part of the soundtrack of your life. It can be twenty years later and you'll hear that song and you'll remember those special moments you spent in the arms of someone who means the world to you."

"She's a wise woman," he replied.

"You don't think it's silly?" she asked.

"No," he remarked, "Actually, I think it's very profound."

She smiled and he couldn't resist the urge to kiss her. Silence fell as they swayed to song after song in the dim light of the Old Haunt, stealing kisses along the way. They stayed like that for hours until finally she came back to her senses and she glanced at her watch.

"It's after three!" she exclaimed.

"That's okay," he replied, "It's not a school night."

Kate laughed, "No it isn't, and I hate to say this but I should probably be getting back home."

He knew she was right and he wasn't going to make this hard on her by trying to convince her to stay a little longer.

"You're right," he answered after he stole one more kiss and then released her, "We better get you back; Ryan and Esposito have probably ate all your groceries by now."

They shut off the lights and locked up the bar and then made began their journey back to Kate's apartment.

Once outside her door they paused and looked at each other.

"I had a really great time tonight," Kate said quietly as she looked at him, a soft smile playing on her lips.

"So did I," he replied, returning her smile. "Maybe we could do it again sometime?" he asked.

Her lips were still curved upwards in that smile that hinted at shyness and her gaze locked on his. "I'd like that," she answered.

He didn't know why her answer surprised him but it did and he practically beamed at her as he asked, "You would?"

"Yes," she replied with a light laugh, "I would love for us to do this again sometime."

He was so happy to hear those words coming out of her mouth that he could bust.

"When?" he asked.

She giggled, "I don't know…I guess whenever you ask me again."

"I knew that," he replied as he got a grip on himself.

She grinned at him, her eyes shining with mischief, "See, Castle. I'm capable of surprising you."

He regarded her with a look of slight suspicion. "This isn't a trick, is it?" he asked, "You're not going to say yes now and then surprise me later and say no, are you?"

"No."

"You sure?" he asked; a hint of teasing slipping into his tone, "Because it would be so like you to do that."

"I'm sure."

"We'll see," he remarked.

"I could prove that I'm serious," she said coyly.

His brow rose, "Go ahead, Detective, prove it."

She stepped closer, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and claimed his lips in a long passionate kiss.

"How was that?" she asked softly.

He grinned, "I may need more convincing."

She smirked at him as he pulled her back for another kiss.

"Better now?" she teased.

"Not quite," he replied. "I'm still harboring doubts."

Four heated kisses later, Kate pulled back to look at him. "This could go on all night."

"That's okay with me," he quipped pulling her back towards him.

She laughed as she laid a hand against his chest, holding him back, "Maybe we should save something for the next time."

"I have plenty left for next time," he told her. "And plenty more for tonight."

She allowed him another brief kiss and then she pulled away again.

"It's late," she said quietly, "I need to send the boys home."

He knew that Ryan and Esposito were only part of the reason that she was putting an end to their goodnight scene. She was trying to keep them from getting to that place where a kiss goodnight wouldn't be enough to satisfy them. They couldn't go further at the moment; not only because of the current circumstances but also because she wasn't ready to make that leap.

Castle understood that she wanted to move slowly, that she was still cautious about taking things to the next level between them. That was fine, he could wait for her. It was enough for him that she was taking these baby steps that would lead to the type of relationship that they both wanted. He didn't want to rush her and he wouldn't, because he didn't want to mess this up. He didn't want to ruin this fragile beautiful thing they were creating.

He smiled at her, "I'll go in with you and make sure they don't tease you."

She laughed softly, "And what are you going to do if they tease me?"

"Defend your honor," he proclaimed, "Just like I promised your father I would."

"So now you're sucking up to my father too?" she teased.

He shrugged, "I have to, he's the one you're mother will send to kill me if I do something wrong."

She laughed as she opened her purse and searched for her keys. "No, she'd just kill you herself."

He laughed as she put her keys into the locks and opened the door.

"Look at this," Castle said as they entered the apartment, "Sleeping on the job."

Kate laughed quietly as she took in the sight of Ryan asleep on her couch and Esposito asleep in the chair. "I guess I forgot to put no sleeping on the list of rules," she joked as she went to each man and shook him awake.

"Wake up, guys," she stated, "I'm back, you can go home."

"What time is it?" Ryan asked tiredly.

"Nearly four," Kate replied.

"You owe me five bucks, Ryan," Esposito stated as he stretched and rubbed his neck.

"Seriously guys?" she asked, "You bet on what time I would get home?"

"They bet on everything," Castle remarked.

"Like you don't," Esposito replied as he and Ryan moved towards the door.

"How was everything here?" Kate inquired.

"Fine," Ryan said, "Your mom gave up on you coming home at midnight and she went to bed."

"Didn't my Dad stay?" she asked.

"No," Esposito told her, "He left; I think they had a fight."

"What do you mean you think they had a fight?"

"There wasn't any yelling," Ryan answered, "But it seemed like a fight."

"What was it about?"

"She made a comment about how she was glad you had found someone to take you to the theater because your Dad had never taken her."

"Oh great," Castle said, "This one is going to come back on me."

Kate chuckled, "Don't worry guys; they've been having this argument since before I was born. It'll blow over by tomorrow."

"Did you have a good time?" Esposito asked.

"Yes," they both replied.

The boys said goodbye and Kate shut the door behind them.

"I guess I better get going too," Castle remarked as she stepped towards her.

She nodded and grinned mischievously, "Yeah, I don't Martha to be angry with me if you miss your curfew."

He laughed, "Chances are she'll miss hers."

She laughed and then bit her lip as she looked at him, wondering if he'd kiss her one more time before he left. He smiled and stepped closer, his hands settling on her waist and then lowered his head and kissed her, just as she had been hoping.

"Goodnight, Kate," he whispered.

"Goodnight, Castle."

He brushed the backs of his fingers against her cheek as he smiled warmly and then he opened the door and stepped back into the hallway.

"Talk to you tomorrow?" he asked.

"It is tomorrow," she replied.

"Talk later?" he amended with a grin.

"Of course," she answered as a smile spread across her face.

He said goodnight once more and then stepped back allowing her to close the door, and then he reveled in the happy feeling that welled deep within him as he rode the elevator down to the ground floor.

Castle was still beaming as he walked out of Kate's apartment building and he didn't realize that Ryan and Esposito were waiting for him until they fell into step with him.

"What are you two still doing here?" he asked them.

They grinned, "We want details," Esposito stated.

"Really?" Castle asked, "Like were in the high school locker room bragging about scoring?"

"Oh we know you didn't score," Esposito said, "You weren't up there long enough and besides, her mom's there."

"But they were out all night," Ryan said with a grin, "So there's the possibility…"

"No, there isn't," Castle stated, "Nothing happened, we had a nice time."

"Just nice?" Esposito asked.

"Wonderful," he stated, "We had a wonderful time without scoring."

"It's only the first date," Ryan said.

"Yeah," Esposito agreed, "You can do better on the next one."

Castle scoffed, "Like I need advice from the two of you."

"You might," Esposito replied, "After all this is Beckett we're talking about; not some air head flight attendant."

"Yeah, Castle," Ryan stated, "We've known her longer than you have."

"Doesn't matter," he replied happily, "I think we're doing just fine without your input."

"Okay," Esposito said, "Be that way, but don't come crying to us when you do something wrong."

He smirked at his friends, "I won't."

"One date and he's so sure of himself," Ryan quipped.

"We'll see how long that lasts," Esposito teased.

"Goodnight boys," Castle stated as he moved to his car which the driver had idling at the curb.

"Goodnight," they replied before getting into their own car.

* * *

Once Castle was gone, Kate locked the door and turned off the television and the lights and made her way down the hallway. She paused at her mother's door, debating whether she should wake her and tell her that she was home. She gave in to the urge and quietly opened the door and walked towards the side of the bed and sat down beside her mother's sleeping form and nudged her.

"Hey," she whispered as she lightly shook her arm.

Johanna's eye's flicked open, "What's wrong?" she asked sleepily.

"Nothing," Kate replied, "I just wanted to tell you that I was home."

Her mother smiled as she pushed herself up into a sitting position and then reached for the lamp and clicked it on.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Late," Kate said quietly, "Almost four."

Her mother laughed softly, "Did you have a nice time?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile, "I had a great time."

"I'm glad," she replied; and without thought she brought her hand up to caress her daughter's beaming face. Kate allowed the gesture, to her surprise, as she still wasn't all that certain where the boundary on showing affection laid between them.

"I probably shouldn't have woke you," Kate said, as she felt somewhat silly and a bit like a teenager.

Johanna shook her head, "It's alright. I don't mind."

She smiled shyly, not sure of why she was still sitting there with her mother at four in the morning.

"So," Johanna said, "Do you think you and Rick might go out again sometime?" she asked her, a light smile playing on her lips.

Kate nodded as she bit her lip and then smiled again, "Yeah, I think we might."

Her mother laughed lightly, "Good."

"Why do I feel ridiculous right now?"

"I don't know," Johanna laughed, "Maybe because it's been a long time since you've shared your 'after date giddiness' with me."

"I am not giddy," she replied.

"You are," her mother said, "You should see that smile on your face."

Kate rolled her eyes but she knew it was true, she didn't have to see the smile, she could feel it.

"Alright," she admitted, "Maybe I am a little."

"There's no shame in that," Johanna remarked, "That means it was a good night."

She nodded, "It was, but we can talk about it in the morning. How were things here?"

"I fed your friends and allowed them to gorge themselves on brownies," she answered, "They've asked me to adopt them; I said I'd consider it."

Kate laughed, "Think long and hard about that one."

"Oh I will," her mother said with a laugh, "If I adopt them I have to keep them supplied with brownies and other treats."

"I told you they were like stray cats," she remarked, "You feed them, they're yours for life."

"But they're loyal," Johanna answered.

She nodded, "They are," she stated, "They told me that you and Dad had a fight. Is everything alright?"

Johanna sighed, "I wouldn't really say it was a fight. No one yelled or anything."

Kate smiled softly, "Then what was it?"

"A civil conversation that had differing viewpoints," her mother stated.

"Oh, one of those," Kate said, "I think I remember those 'civil conversations', those are usually what you had when you didn't want to fight in front of me."

Johanna laughed softly, "You remember everything, don't you?"

She smiled, "Hey, those were very entertaining times at the dinner table."

"I guess they do carry some amount of entertainment value for the people who are listening."

"But probably not for the participants," Kate replied.

"Especially if one of those participants is Jim Beckett," Johanna stated.

She laughed, "Well he usually gets into trouble during those discussions. I heard this one was about the theater again."

Johanna looked at her, "He wouldn't have to worry about it if he'd just take me to a show once in my life," she stated, "I mean is it really too much to ask?"

"Not to me," Kate said, "But to him, it's like being sentenced to an execution or something."

"He forgets about all the things I've went along with that I didn't want to do, or didn't like. That was all okay…I guess that was part of my job as a wife and I didn't know about it. I guess I didn't read the fine print of the agreement before I signed up."

"That'll teach you," Kate replied.

Johanna laughed, "There, that can be a piece of advice for you, Katie, before you get married, hash out all the fine details so you don't get surprised later on."

"I'll keep that in mind but I don't think I have to worry about it any time soon."

Her mother nodded, "Yeah, you've got time. We're only on the first date after all, we'll talk more about it after the 20th, things should be moving along pretty good by then."

"And on that note, I think I better go to bed," Kate said, "Can you unzip my dress before I go?"

"Of course," her mother said as Kate shifted so her back was to her. Johanna took hold of the zipper and lowered it enough that she could reach it easily on her own once she was in her room.

"Thanks," she told her.

"No problem. I'm glad you had a nice evening, you deserved it."

Kate shifted back around to look at her, "I hope you and Dad get straightened out again."

"We will," she said, "I'm not mad at him, he's the one who picked a fight so I guess he just wants to be mad at me for a little while. I figure he'll turn up sometime tomorrow once he's over it."

She smiled, "Martha's going to be in a show next month," she told her, "I'll take you to see it."

Johanna smiled and she felt tears prick her eyes at the kindness of the gesture. "That would be nice, sweetheart," she told her as she took her hand, "I'll look forward to it."

Kate gripped her hand for a moment and then she stood, but hesitated before leaving the room. She remembered Lanie telling her that she could give in a bit to her mother; that she could give her a little more. She figured she could give her some small token of affection; after all she didn't have to make it a habit. She could simply bestow it upon her as a way of saying thank you, for guiding her through her argument with Castle, for giving her advice and confidence and being her sounding board. She could offer it as a way of thanking her for putting up with being watched over by Ryan and Esposito so she could go out, for helping her get ready…maybe just for being there.

"Is something wrong?" Johanna asked as Kate stood beside the bed, obviously lost in her thoughts.

She shook her head, "No, I'm fine," she answered, "Goodnight," she said and then before she could talk herself out of it, she bent down and pressed a light kiss against her mother's cheek.

Johanna was glad she was sitting down, because that was one gesture she hadn't anticipated nor expected, at least not for a long time, if ever. She wasn't sure how to react, if she should say something or just accept it silently as she did most things. She wanted to hug her…but she didn't dare try. She was afraid of pushing her luck with going that route, so instead she grabbed Kate's hand as she moved to walk away.

"Wait," she said softly, "Any chance I can return that gesture?"

Kate paused for a moment, pondering it for a second.

"I won't expect it to be an everyday thing," Johanna said as if reading her thoughts.

Slowly, Kate moved back towards her and lowered her head, turning her face to present her mother with her cheek, which Johanna kissed lightly.

"Thank you," she whispered, "Goodnight, Katie."

Kate gave her a small smile and then moved to the door, "Goodnight."

* * *

The next morning Johanna was at the table with a cup of tea and toast smeared with strawberry jelly, reading the newspaper when Kate, still dressed in her pajamas, padded into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Katie," Johanna said.

"Good morning," she replied sleepily as she poured herself a cup of coffee. "Did you just get up too?" she asked as she noticed that her mother was still in her pajamas as well, and that her breakfast was still in front of her despite the fact that it was going on 9:30.

"About an hour ago," Johanna answered, "I figured if you were sleeping in, I may as well too. Do you want me to make you something for breakfast?"

Kate smiled as she sat her mug on the table, "I don't expect you to be my maid and full time cook," she told her.

"I know," Johanna replied, "But I don't mind cleaning, and I enjoy cooking, especially now that I have someone to cook for again; besides, it makes me feel as though I'm earning my keep around here."

Kate rolled her eyes as she pulled bread and eggs from the fridge, "You don't have to earn your keep," she said, "I'm not that terrible of a daughter am I?" she asked lightly.

"Of course not," she replied, "You're a wonderful daughter. I guess I just like to take care of you in some way."

She nodded, "That's okay," she told her, "But I can return the favor; do you want some scrambled eggs with your toast?"

Johanna smiled, "Sure; that would be nice."

They were quiet as Kate prepared the eggs and her own toast and when she was finished she divided the eggs onto two plates and handed one to her mother.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Kate told her, "Have you heard from Dad yet?"

She glanced at her phone, "No, not yet."

"Are you worried?"

Johanna glanced at her and shrugged, "Not really; I figure he'll call or come around," and then after a moment she added, "I probably won't worry until later if I don't hear from him."

Kate smiled and held her gaze, "So you're okay?"

"Yes," she answered, "I'm fine. I'm not angry at him and I don't really feel like this is about me and a comment I made about the theater. I think it's about him; but it's easier to be mad at me."

"Sounds familiar," she replied; thinking of her recent situation with Castle.

Johanna laughed lightly, "Must be going around. How was the show?"

"It was great," Kate stated, "Different from the movie in some ways but it was amazing. I loved it."

Johanna smiled, "Did Rick enjoy it?"

She laughed, "Yeah, he made up some commentary of his own that he had to share with me every few scenes."

"Could've been worse, he could've sang along with the music."

"He threatened to sing along at dinner but he refrained," Kate replied, "Although he did spout lines of it afterwards."

Johanna laughed, "Where did you go after the show?"

"We went for ice cream," she answered, "And then we went to the Old Haunt."

"Sounds nice," her mother replied.

She smiled, "It was," she told her and then she set about filling in the details for her mother; and when they were finished with their breakfast she got up from the table.

"I have to call Lanie," she told her, "But after that we could watch a movie or something if you," Kate told her in an attempt to not only keep her mind off that argument she claimed she wasn't worried about, but to also give a bit more of herself like Lanie had suggested.

Johanna smiled, "That would be nice."

They spent the afternoon on the sofa watching movies and Kate pretended not to notice how many times her mother picked up her phone to check it. Sometime in the early afternoon, there was a knock at the door and Kate breathed a small sigh of relief, figuring it was her father, but when she swung the door open she found that she was wrong.

"I heard you have brownies," Lanie stated as she stepped into Kate's apartment, "And you didn't even tell me."

"You didn't ask," Kate teased, "And besides, I figured your source would inform you."

Lanie shot her and amused glare, "Cute," she said.

She laughed, "Come on, I think the boys left a few."

Lanie followed her into the kitchen where Johanna was pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"You have another brownie customer," Kate announced as they stepped into the room.

Johanna glanced up and smiled at her daughter's friend. "Hi, Lanie."

"Hi, Mrs. Beckett," she replied as she took a seat at the table while Kate fetched them each a brownie.

"Why don't you just make that Johanna," she replied, "Every once and awhile when someone calls me Mrs. Beckett I feel like they're referring to my mother-in-law."

Lanie chuckled, "And that's not a comparison you want?"

"No," Johanna said with a laugh, "The last thing I want is to become my mother-in-law."

"Don't worry," Kate said, "If you ever start showing signs of turning into Grandma Beckett, I'll smack it out of you."

"Promise?" her mother asked, her eyes shining with amusement.

"Cross my heart," Kate replied.

"Do you want something to drink, Lanie?" Johanna asked.

"I'll take a soda if you have one," she replied, and then said, "I take it you didn't have a good mother-in-law experience."

Johanna grabbed a soda from the fridge and placed it on the table in front of Lanie and then grabbed one for Kate as well.

"You could say that," she answered; and then looking at Kate she said, "You know I was married to your father for a year before she allowed me to call her Elizabeth instead of Mrs. Beckett."

The girls laughed. "I'm not surprised," Kate replied, "What made her change her mind about it after a year?"

"Your grandfather," she told her, "He told Elizabeth that she was ridiculous; that if she wanted to dislike me for petty reasons that was her business; but she could at least do it on a first name basis."

"Didn't she call you by your name back then?" Kate asked.

"Not very often."

"What did she call you?"

"Lot's of things," Johanna answered.

"Like what?" Lanie asked with interest.

Johanna smiled, "Let's just say none of them were terms of endearment."

"Come on," Kate said, "Tell us a few, now were curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat," Johanna quipped.

"We'll take our chances," Lanie said.

Johanna sighed and went through the list of names in her brain and picked one that hadn't been all that terrible. "She liked to call me trouble."

They regarded her with disappointment. "You're holding out on us, Mother."

She laughed, "She said I was a schemer; that I looked like the type of woman who was high maintenance and would bleed him dry of his money."

"Oh," Lanie said, "That's definitely not nice."

Kate looked at her mother, "How could you be after him for his money? You were a lawyer too, you had your own income."

She shrugged, "The woman was crazy," she replied, "If she didn't like you she'd make up anything about you that suited her and she'd try to convince everyone that she was right."

"That's cold," Lanie said.

"What else did she call you?" Kate asked.

"Isn't that enough?" Johanna asked.

"Not if there's more."

"Some of those names were names I also used to describe her," Johanna remarked.

"But I'm sensing there's still something you're holding back," her daughter said, her smile mischievous as she tried to uncover another secret tidbit that she hadn't know about in her mother's past.

"You're not going to be satisfied until I tell you the worst one, are you?"

"No," both of the girls answered.

"Fine," she said and then taking a breath she muttered a word that was practically inaudible to the women waiting to hear it.

"You want to repeat that?" Kate asked, "I didn't catch it."

Johanna mumbled something again and Kate laughed at her, "Oh come on, just spit out, we won't tell."

"Slut," she stated, "She called me a slut."

Kate's mouth dropped open and Lanie's eyes widened in surprise.

"Slut?" Kate repeated as she looked at her mother.

She nodded, "Yes."

"You?" Kate asked, "A slut?"

Johanna shot her a look, "What do you mean by that?" she asked her, "I could've been one back then if I wanted to be…but I didn't want to be one so I wasn't."

Her daughter laughed, "No, I really don't think you could've been one. You don't have it in you."

"How do you know?" she asked her.

"Because…you're you."

Johanna laughed, "I guess that's a good enough answer."

"Why did she call you a slut?" Lanie asked as she laughed.

"Because…," she started and then trailed off.

"Because why?" Kate questioned.

"Because she did."

"She must've had some kind of reason," Lanie teased, "And inquiring minds want to know."

"Elizabeth was old fashioned," she stated.

"And?"

"And there were some things she didn't approve of."

"Pre-marital sex?" Lanie asked.

Johanna covered her face with her hand for a moment, and laughed, "You could say that, but there's more to it than that."

"What did you do?" Kate inquired, her tone teasing.

She sighed; she wasn't getting out of this conversation without giving the story. "Your grandmother seemed to have it in her mind that she owned her children even in adulthood and that she could just walk into their homes…unannounced, unless of course they informed her that there was a reason not to and took away her key, because she always insisted on having a key to their homes. Your father hadn't gotten around to telling her that we had moved on from friends to dating."

"Oh my god," Kate said, "If you're going to tell me she walked in on the two of you…I don't even want to know the rest."

"I do," Lanie said.

"No," Johanna said hurriedly, "She didn't walk in on us, I was there alone."

"So what was the problem?"

"It was 8:30 on a Sunday morning," she began, "Your father went out to get a paper or something and I went to get a shower."

"And?" Kate coaxed as she and Lanie were giving her their full attention as if this story of her past was an episode of Temptation Lane.

"And, after my shower I went back to the bedroom to get dressed. I heard the door open but I figured it was Jim coming back so I didn't pay any attention to it…so I'm in the bedroom, wrapped in a towel, pulling my clothes out of the drawer and suddenly Elizabeth is standing there in the doorway saying, "I knew it, I knew it the first time I laid eyes on you that you were nothing but a slut!"

"Just because you had taken a shower and were getting dressed?" Kate asked.

"It wasn't just because of that," Johanna said, "It was the whole setting. The bed was unmade…clothes on the floor…me in a towel...early on a Sunday morning…which only went to prove that I had been there all night."

"And just like that you were convicted," Lanie said.

"There's more."

Kate laughed, "More?"

She nodded, "In Elizabeth's mind the only reason you should be in a man's apartment at that time of the morning, in that state of undress, was if you were married to him; and then of course there was the issue of the clothes I was taking out of the drawer."

"What was wrong with the clothes?"

"She jumped to the conclusion that if I had clothes there that it meant I was living with him, and if I was living with him outside of marriage then I was a class A slut in her opinion."

They laughed, "Were you living with him?" Lanie asked.

Johanna shook her head, "Not exactly."

"Not exactly?" Kate asked, "Either you were or you weren't."

"If it was through the week, I wasn't, but if it was the weekend I was," she admitted.

"So what happened?" they questioned.

"She scared the hell out of me," Johanna said, "Elizabeth could be terrifying enough when you were expecting her but when she snuck up on you it was even worse. She caught me so off guard that I just froze for a minute as she went off on her tirade, and then after I got over that I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't hear of that. She kept demanding to know where her son was, and I kept telling her that he would be back. She wouldn't stop yelling and I was trying to be calm, asking her to please go sit down in the living room so I could get dressed. She wouldn't leave the room, and she kept yelling and then I started yelling back, and eventually I grabbed my clothes and got past her and went and locked myself in the bathroom."

Kate and Lanie were laughing and soon she joined in and laughed with them.

"I stayed locked in the bathroom until Jim came home," she told them.

"Is that why you gave me that advice about always locking the door when getting dressed?" Kate asked.

Her mother nodded, "The last thing on earth you want is your future mother-in-law walking in on you…you're scarred for life after an incident like that."

"You don't want her walking in on anything else either," Lanie remarked.

"That's true too," Johanna replied, "And in case you're wondering, that incident is the main reason for her hatred towards me."

"That's insane," Kate said as she shook her head, "It really is."

"And just think, some of her is swimming around in your gene pool," Johanna told her.

"That's a scary thought," she replied.

"Isn't it though?" Johanna replied.

She nodded, "Promise me you'll never let me act like her."

"Oh you can count on that," Johanna promised.

Lanie laughed, "I'm glad I came over; I not only got a brownie, I got entertainment as well."

Kate smiled, "I'm coming to learn that her life has had soap opera worthy moments."

Johanna laughed, "Now you know why I like Temptation Lane, I can relate to the characters."

"That explains it," Kate replied.

Johanna smiled and then picked up her mug of coffee and drifted towards the doorway.

"Where are you going?" Kate asked.

"You girls don't need me hanging around while you visit," she replied, "I'll go find something to do."

"You don't have to leave the room," Lanie told her.

"I don't mind."

Kate studied her mother's face for a moment, "Getting worried?" she asked; sensing the undercurrents of nervousness in her mother's body language.

She shook her head, "No. I'm fine."

"Worried about what?" Lanie asked in concern.

"She and Dad had words last night and he hasn't called yet today."

"Are you having man trouble?" Lanie asked Johanna.

She laughed, "Only since the day I met him."

Lanie nodded, "I can sympathize with that."

"I'm sure you both can," Johanna remarked with a look at her daughter before she left the room.

Once Johanna was out of sight and ear shot, Kate looked across the table at her friend.

"So what are you doing here, Lanie?" she asked lightly, "Were you afraid I held back details from last night."

Lanie laughed, "No, I came for one of these brownies I keep hearing so much about and to see if you've given any thought to that other thing we talked about."

"What other thing?"

Lanie gave her a look, "You know," she replied quietly, "About you and your mom."

Kate sighed, "I gave it some thought…I still am."

"And?"

"And we'll see what happens," Kate stated.

Lanie sighed and finished off her brownie, "Every once in a while I get the urge to smack you."

Kate grinned, "Take a number and get in line."

"Is there that many people waiting to smack you that we have to take numbers?" Lanie teased.

She nodded, "It's possible."

Lanie's phone rang before she could reply. She answered it and then made a face at Kate as she replied to the person on the other end of the line before disconnecting.

"Work?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Lanie replied, "I hate to eat and run but I have to go."

Kate walked her to the door and saw her off and then she went back to trying to keep her mother's mind occupied.

* * *

After dinner, Johanna went off to her room to clean, which Kate knew was really a guise to keep herself busy as the phone still hadn't rang. She was flipping channels when someone knocked on the door and she threw down the remote and shuffled towards the door.

When she answered the door she found her father on the other side, a rose in one hand, and she knew that he had come to make amends with her mother.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked as he stepped inside.

"This is your home, Katie," Jim said, "You don't have to leave because of us."

"I know," she said, "But I try to give the two of you privacy when I can."

He smiled, that was probably true but it never felt as though he and Johanna had the privacy they needed. Of course that wasn't Kate's fault, and really it wasn't Johanna's fault either and he needed to remind himself of that from time to time, just like he needed to try harder at not taking his frustrations out on his wife, but it wasn't easy, in fact it only seemed to be getting more difficult.

"It's up to you," he told Kate, "If you want to leave, go ahead, we'll be fine."

She nodded and shoved her feet into a pair of shoes that had been discarded by the door and then she grabbed her phone, purse, and keys.

"She's in her room," she told him, "I'll call later and see how things are going, and if you need more time, tell me, I'll stay out."

"Alright," he told her; and then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of Skittles, "Here," he said, "These are from Jeff."

She laughed as she accepted the candy, "Is that why we haven't heard from you today, you were with Jeff?"

He nodded, "Yeah, we played a couple rounds of golf."

"Did you win this time?" she asked.

Jim smiled, "It's hard to tell, we both cheat with the scoring from time to time."

His daughter laughed as she shook her head, "As long as you have a good time, I guess it doesn't matter."

He laughed and agreed with her and then closed the door and locked it once she said goodbye. The truth was that most of the time he and Jeff didn't pay much attention to the score; it was just something to do while they complained about their lives. He smiled as he recalled a comment Jeff had made that afternoon while walking towards the tenth hole.

"This is like old times," Jeff had said, "Here we are complaining about our wives and our kids, taking our aggression out on innocent, defenseless golf balls."

He had laughed, probably for the first time of the day, and as he complained to his friend and blew off steam by hitting golf balls, he relaxed and allowed that comment to take on a new meaning. At least Johanna was alive to complain about; at least she was there to want and desire. It wasn't her fault, at least not entirely and he knew that she was frustrated too.

He moved in the direction of the guest room and found her putting clean sheets on the bed. She appeared to be lost in thought as she went about her task, not even noticing his presence in her doorway. He knocked lightly on the doorframe, startling her and causing the sheet to slip from her fingers as her head snapped up and turned in his direction.

"Hey," she said softly, "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago," he answered as he walked into the room and approached her, holding the rose out to her as he came near. "I'm sorry about last night," he told her as she accepted his offering, a small smile on her lips.

"I'm sorry too," she replied, "I never meant to imply…"

He laid his fingers against her lips, silencing her as he shook his head, "No," he said, "You don't need to be sorry. You were just being my wife," he told her, a soft smile spreading across his face.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" she asked once his fingers fell away from her mouth.

Jim laughed quietly, "It's the best thing."

"Is it?"

He nodded, "It's all I want, Johanna," he told her, "I want you to be my wife."

She bit her lip as she looked at him, "But I'm not much of a wife right now," she said quietly.

Jim reached for her and pulled her into his arms, "I didn't mean to make you feel that way," he answered, "I just get frustrated."

"I know," she replied, "So do I."

"But you don't take it out on me," he remarked, "And I know you don't take it out on Katie."

"I probably would if I weren't afraid of doing detrimental damage," she admitted.

Jim shook his head, "You wouldn't do that, Johanna. You wouldn't lash out at us."

"What makes you so sure?" she asked, "I've done it in the past."

"Not often," he replied.

Johanna moved away from him and closed the bedroom door, not wanting their conversation to be overheard.

"Katie left," he told her as if reading her thoughts.

She smiled, "Did you run her off again?"

"No," he answered, "I told her she didn't have to go but she wanted to so she went."

She nodded and sat down on the partially made bed and beckoned him to join her, which he did.

"I get angry too," she said softly once he was seated next to her, "I try not to show it, because like I said, I'm afraid to do so but that doesn't mean that the feeling isn't there. I know it's different for me than you, that my pain is different than what you've suffered but that doesn't mean that I don't understand how you feel; because I do, Jim. Maybe that's hard to believe but it's true."

"I know that," he said, "But I guess sometimes I get caught up in how I feel and I forget about how you feel and what you've had to endure."

"It's okay," she told him, "I'm not angry with you."

"You're not?"

"No," she replied, "I may have been slightly annoyed but I'm not mad. I just wish you'd talk to me about it."

He thought about that for a moment, and knew she was right. Maybe he just needed to talk about it with her; maybe they'd both feel better if they discussed things like they used to. With that thought in mind he took a breath and decided to unburden himself for the second time that day.

"It's like we've had to start over from the beginning," Jim said as he clasped his hands together.

Johanna nodded in agreement.

"It was easier back then," he remarked.

"I know," she said as she recalled making a similar comment to Kate. "Back then we didn't know what laid on the other side."

"But now we do," Jim answered, "And it's hard to be back in that type of relationship, knowing that there's something better to be had."

"You don't have to tell me that," Johanna replied, "I'm living it with you; just like I did back then."

"I know you are, and I know it can't be easy for you either."

"It's not," she said, "It's just as hard as not being here. Maybe I was naïve when I first came home, maybe I didn't allow myself to think about how hard it would be for us to get back where we belong."

"Do you regret it?" he asked.

"No," she said firmly, "I could never regret coming home, no matter how difficult it is. I belong here with you; with Katie. I hate that we're stuck like this, but as long as I have you, I can manage. I want more, I want things to be different, but there's only so much I can do. If I had more freedom it would be easier, and I'm sure things would be moving along between us at a quicker pace; and I'm sorry that it's not like that; that things are so difficult. I'm sorry, Jim."

"I'm the one who's supposed to be apologizing," he remarked.

"No," she replied, "It's really not necessary."

"It is," he insisted, "I picked a fight with you, I wanted to be mad at you and I can't exactly explain why, or maybe I could but…"

"I don't need an explanation," Johanna told him, "I already know what this was about."

Jim sighed, "It's not a very good reason, is it?"

His wife laughed, "It isn't the first time," she reminded him, "We've had these kinds of fights before."

He nodded, "Yeah, but they were easily resolved back then."

She knew that and she remembered it well, some of their most passionate nights had been born of arguments that they couldn't seem to settle with words so they'd take it to bed and settle it there. No one lost in those scenarios, bruised egos and feelings were healed with a touch, words spoken in anger were forgiven by the time the sun came up. She sucked in a breath and forced those thoughts away as that ache of longing welled up within her.

"I can't help wanting you," he told her, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

"I want you too," she said, "You know that, right?" she asked, "You know that I want to be with you, don't you."

Jim nodded, "I know," he answered; and it was true, he didn't doubt that; she'd responded to him the way she always had, that morning when they had gotten interrupted.

Johanna was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out a solution for their problem. "We could try again," she suggested softly.

He took her hand and smiled at her, "We could, but I know you're not comfortable with the idea of us…being here, and I don't want you to do something that you're not comfortable with just to appease me."

She sighed, "I know, it's stupid and ridiculous for me to be this way, but…."

"No, you're not stupid or ridiculous," he told her, "It's not our home, and worse than that, it's our daughter's home. It's not the ideal place in my mind either, we don't have privacy here."

She laughed softly and then turned serious once again, they could have a bit more privacy but she just couldn't bring herself to send Kate a text message telling her not to call. It wouldn't matter what excuse she made up, they'd both know what she was doing and it was embarrassing. It was one thing to have those conversations with your sister or your best girlfriend, but it was another thing completely to have that conversation with your daughter. She could just imagine the awkwardness that would follow and she cringed at the thought of it; but on the other hand, she didn't want to sacrifice her relationship with her husband and she felt as though asking him to wait was unfair and that eventually he'd start to resent her. It was a difficult place to be stuck in, and neither solution seemed to be ideal.

Finally she looked at him, "I can try and overlook it," she said, "Maybe we can work around the phone calls."

"No," he told her; offering her a smile of reassurance, "I don't want it to be that way. I don't want you to just give in to me because you feel like you have to; I don't want you to overlook how you feel. We'll wait."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I just…"

He saw the anguish on her face and put an arm around her, bringing her close to him. She couldn't help the way she was; Johanna had been raised to be modest and respectful of others and yourself. She'd been taught that your most intimate moments were supposed to be kept behind locked bedroom doors; preferably the locked bedroom door in your own home. She had always adhered to those teachings, she had always made sure their door was locked before things got too carried away; she had always taken precautions to keep that part of their life from their daughter's eyes and ears. He couldn't ask her to change, and he wouldn't. When the moment came he wanted to have her full attention, he didn't want to make love to her knowing that she was worrying about phone calls or Kate coming home early. He loved her, he respected her, and he'd do his best to wait for her without complaint.

"It's alright," he told her as her arms slipped around him.

"No it isn't," she answered, "I feel terrible."

"Don't," he whispered, "We've waited this long, we'll wait a little longer; it's not the first time we've waited," he said lightly.

The comment garnered a small laugh from her, "I guess that's true."

He nodded, "And I know from that previous experience that you are not only worth my time, you are well worth the wait."

She smiled as she shifted to look up at him, "I try."

Jim chuckled, "Johanna, you've never had to try, at least not with me."

She blushed and it made him laugh as he brushed a kiss across her cheek. "All these years later and you still blush," he teased.

Johanna laughed and then looked at him coyly, "You should be happy to know that you still make me blush…just like a part of me is glad to know that you still want me enough to get angry about it."

He hooked a finger under her chin and kissed her tenderly.

"I'll try to do better," he told her, "But I can't promise you that I won't get angry, or feel impatient…you know how I am when it comes to you," he said quietly, a wistful smile on his lips, "You get under my skin…in all the right ways and I lose my self control."

There was something about the way he said those words; that tone of voice that was a mixture of love, desire, and need, and it made her shiver. She drew him towards her and kissed him, slowly and with all the feeling she could pour into the gesture.

"If you're serious about this not being the right place, then you shouldn't kiss me like that too often, Johanna," he said; keeping his tone light so she'd know that he wasn't trying to push her away.

She nodded, "I think that's a two way street," she stated, "There's probably some things you should refrain from doing."

"Like this?" he asked, not able to resist the urge to tease her by seeking out that spot on her neck.

"Yeah," she said, a slight hitch in her breath, "That's something you shouldn't do."

"At least not at the moment," he said as he pulled back and grinned at her.

"Not at the moment," she agreed, "At least not if we want to cool things off a little to make this easier."

He couldn't help but laugh, "Cooling off has never been our strong suit, sweetheart."

Johanna smiled, that was the second time he'd bestowed that term of endearment upon her.

"We'll manage," she told him as she looked at the rose in her hand and then back at him, "We always have."

* * *

Kate was sitting in a coffee shop with Castle when her phone buzzed with a text message from Johanna telling her that she could come home.

"Fight over?" he asked.

She scanned the message and smiled, "It's over, peace has been restored to the Beckett family."

He laughed, "I'm glad."

"Me too or she'd be up tonight baking a cake or something."

He walked her to her car and she turned to him, "Thanks for meeting up with me while I was exhiled."

"Anytime," he told her, "Thanks for discussing plot points with me."

Kate laughed, "Anything for Nikki."

"What about me?" he mock pouted.

"Yeah, I guess you too."

He grinned, "See you tomorrow?"

She nodded and then kissed his cheek, "See you tomorrow."

* * *

That night Johanna was wakened by the sound of muffled cries and she bolted upright in bed; panic and fear clawing at her. She grabbed the gun on the nightstand; her eye catching sight of the time on the clock. 3:06 it read. She moved swiftly and quietly out of bed and toward the door. She pulled it open and stepped into the hallway; the sounds of distress louder now and obviously coming from Kate's room.

Kate's bedroom door was closed and as Johanna approached it; her heart hammering against her ribs; she prayed this was just another nightmare and not something worse. She twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open. She relaxed once she scanned the room and found it void of a threat. She laid the gun on the dresser and moved towards the bed where her daughter was thrashing about wildly, tears rolling her face and incoherent words pouring from her lips; and then just as she reached her side there was the anguished cry of, "Mom."

Johanna froze, her breath caught in her throat, stunned by the sound of the word she had been longing to hear, but also caught off guard by the fact that she was obviously the cause of Kate's torment.

"Mom," she cried out again, "Don't leave me."

The words shook her and snapped her back into action and clicked on the light and climbed onto the bed and grabbed hold of Kate's shoulders and shook her.

"Katie," she called, "Wake up."

Her words had no effect on her as she continued to be caught up in the web of her nightmare; her cries becoming shouts of, "No," and, "Please."

Johanna shook her harder, yelling her name; first 'Katie' and then 'Katherine', thinking that the sound of her full name might break through the haze but it didn't and she herself was beginning to grow upset at the sound and sight of her child's anguish and then there was another cry of, "Mom."

"I'm here, Katie," Johanna said as she caught hold of one of her hands, "I'm right here with you."

She kept murmuring reassurances that she was there, that everything was alright. Kate stopped flailing and bolted upright.

"It's alright," Johanna said as Kate continued to cry, and when she didn't respond, she realized that her daughter was still more asleep than awake and she was desperate to comfort her. Cautiously she pulled Kate into her arms and held her.

"Shhh," she whispered, "I'm here. We're okay, Katie. Everything's okay."

She felt Kate's arms wrapping around her tightly and she shifted her head to lay against Johanna's chest, her ear pressing against the sound of her heartbeat.

It was an old learned behavior; one that had began in her infancy when Naomi McKenzie had instructed her daughter to position her baby against her chest so her fussy baby could hear her heartbeat.

Johanna could still hear her mother's words in her mind as she cradled her now grown daughter.

"_Hold her so she can hear your heartbeat, Johanna; it will remind her of the womb and it will soothe her."_

She had taken her mother's advice and whenever her daughter couldn't be pacified she'd lay her against her chest, with her ear against her heartbeat and she would begin to calm just as her mother had told her. It wasn't long before her baby picked up on that pattern of behavior and soon she was taking it upon herself to seek out the sound of her mother's heartbeat when she was distressed. Kate carried that practice through childhood and to Johanna's surprise, even in to her teenage years when she'd cry to her about her high school dramas. The last time Kate had laid her ear against her heart had been in her dorm room at Stanford when a few tears came to the surface when it came time for them to part.

The fact that Kate fell back on that old habit now told Johanna that she must've broken through to her in some way and changed the course of the dream, taking her out of the terror and throwing her back into some memory from childhood.

She continued to hold her, murmuring words of comfort and assurance as her cries lessened and she began to calm a bit. She hated to see Kate distressed, and she hated to know that in some way she was responsible for it; but a part of her couldn't help but relish the feeling of holding her child close.

She knew that when Kate became fully awake that it would end and that it would most likely be a very long time before she was allowed to embrace her again. Kate murmured something which sounded like 'mom' once again and Johanna closed her eyes for a moment and committed the sound to memory for she knew that she wouldn't hear have that experience again either once Kate woke up. She continued to soothe her and finally she jolted awake.

"It's okay, Katie," Johanna said quietly as Kate lifted her head from her chest.

Kate was still somewhat disoriented; her eyes still full of tears as she tried to reconcile what was real and what wasn't.

"It's alright," her mother repeated, and Kate realized that the arms around her belonged to her mother.

She pulled away, raising a shaky hand and swiping at the moisture on her cheeks. The nightmare had been even more horrific than usual and she shuddered at the memory of it; of the image of herself coming home to find her mother dead on the kitchen floor, of the pool of blood surrounding her and her lifeless eyes staring blankly at her. It had seemed so real and she began to shake as emotion slammed into her with a force so hard it almost took her breath and she began to cry again.

She felt Johanna's hand on her arm and without thought or care she threw herself back into her mother's embrace, her fingers clutching the soft cotton of her nightgown as they dug into Johanna's back as she held onto her tightly. She sank into the feel of her mother's arms coming around her, her warm hand rubbing her back, holding her just as she had done when she was a child.

"She's okay," Kate told herself as she breathed in the scent of Johanna's strawberry scented body wash and shampoo. "She's right here, she's fine," she kept repeating in her mind and yet her stomach still churned as those chilling images haunted her.

"Do you want to talk about?" Johanna asked softly.

"No," she cried, "Never." It was bad enough that she had to be tormented with those images; she wouldn't terrify her mother by sharing them with her.

"Okay," Johanna told her, "You don't have to. It was just a dream. Everything's alright now."

Maybe to her it was but to Kate everything was far from alright. She separated from her mother, feeling the need to do something to make sure their safety was assured. She grabbed the gun from the nightstand and got out of bed, intent on searching the apartment. She moved from room to room, turning on lights and checking everywhere. She found nothing, as she expected, the door and windows were still locked and undisturbed.

She paused in the living room; running a hand over her face and then she caught sight of Johanna standing in the hallway, watching her.

"You okay?" she asked her.

"Yeah," Kate answered, although she felt far from alright.

"Is everything the way it should be?" Johanna questioned, her own gaze assessing the room.

She nodded, "Yeah, everything's fine," she replied as she moved back into the hallway and made her way to the bathroom. She closed the door and laid her gun on the side of sink as she ran some cold water to splash her face with. When she finished, she gripped the edge of the sink and glanced in the mirror, taking in the sight of her pale face. She felt sick, her stomach still twisted into knots and the slightest tremor remaining in her hands.

There were plenty of reasons for the dream she had, logical reasons, like her recent conversations with Lanie, and the details of plot points Castle had shared with her about Nikki Heat. It didn't mean anything; her mind had just jumbled up all those thoughts and combined them with the stress that always lingered in regards to their situation. It was a very logical explanation and yet she couldn't help but feel like it was some type of warning. An omen, telling her that things had been quiet for too long, that danger was still lurking and waiting to strike.

She opened the bathroom door expecting to see her mother waiting for her in the hallway and when she didn't, there was a momentary feeling of panic until she heard her in her room. Johanna was straightening the sheets on Kate's bed when she walked back into the room and picked her phone up from the nightstand.

"Do you want me to sit with you, Katie?" Johanna asked, "Like last time."

Kate shook her head, "No, I'm not going back to bed."

Her mother looked at her, "You have to work tomorrow."

"I'll be fine," she told her, casting a wary glance at her bed before leaving the room and heading for the living room where put her gun and phone on the coffee table and then settled down on the couch and flipped on the television.

A moment later Johanna appeared and joined her on the couch.

"You don't have to stay up with me," Kate said quietly.

"I'm not going to let you set up the rest of the night by yourself."

"Why not?"

Johanna looked at her, "Because you're scared," she told her, "And no one should be scared alone if they don't have to be."

She didn't bother to deny that she was frightened by her nightmare, and she didn't bother to tell her mother to go back to bed because truthfully she wanted her there with her, where she could see and hear her. It would ease her mind and maybe she would relax. She felt a hand wrap around hers and she squeezed it in response. Everything was fine, but there was no way in hell she was closing her eyes again that night.

_Authors Note: Danger will be making a comeback. Sorry this one ran so long, I'll try to cut back on the next one lol._


	25. Chapter 25

_Authors Note: Okay guys, since it's been a long time, I'd rather give you something than nothing so I'm going to go ahead and post this first half of Chapter 25, I have the majority of the rest of it done but it still needs a few things and if I posted it all together it would be entirely too long. I feel confident that I can get the second half up in the next day or two but I figure you could go ahead and read the first section. Thanks for your reviews and for your patience and if you didn't already know, I'm now on Twitter EvitaScarlett14_

Chapter 25 – Madness –Part 1

'_Come to me just in a dream, come on and rescue me. Yes I know, I can be wrong, maybe I'm too headstrong, our love is madness – Muse_

The next morning, Kate stood in front of the bathroom mirror, taking in the sight of her pale face and puffy eyes. She felt like hell. She and her mother had sat up for the rest of night, watching I Love Lucy reruns and while she had managed to relax a little while she watched the show and clung to her mother's hand, she didn't dare close her eyes. Johanna had tried to coax her into lying down and sleeping for a bit but she wouldn't budge. She stayed awake and alert.

She released a heavy sigh as she gripped the edge of the sink. Those terrifying images from her nightmare kept creeping up on her and flashing through her mind. She was being ridiculous allowing herself to be so upset by a dream that could be easily explained away. Lanie had been picking at that nerve and urging her to be more open to her mother and forcing her to speak her most inner thoughts aloud, like the fear that Johanna would leave her again. Kate was sure that those comments could've played a role in her dream along with those stirred up feelings and the fact that she had taken her friend's advice and had been more open towards her mother during the weekend.

Then there was the conversation she had with Castle when he had met her for coffee the evening before. He had been bouncing theories off of her in regards to the case of Nikki Heat's mother. Nikki's mother had been found dead on the kitchen floor, it would've been quite easy for her mind to take that thought and transfer it to a nightmare about her own mother, who spent a great deal of time in the kitchen herself. That was all this was; a simple terrifying nightmare that had been brought on by specific thoughts and feelings.

It was just a bad dream, everything was fine. Her mother was in the kitchen, alive and well. So why did she still feel so shaken? It just wouldn't let go of her. Her stomach felt queasy and her head pounded. She shivered, and she wasn't sure if she had a chill due to her nerves or from the air conditioning.

She needed to get ready for work, but the thought of leaving her mother for the day made her already queasy stomach clench and for a moment she thought she'd be sick. Kate took a steadying breath and then breathed out slowly, hoping to quell the feeling. Maybe she was coming down with something. Maybe she should just stay home…that was probably a good idea, especially if she was coming down with something, she reasoned. It wouldn't be right to go in sick and infect everyone else. She'd just call in sick and stay home with her mother. She'd feel better tomorrow…and her mind would be at ease once the day passed without incident.

With her mind made up, she picked up her phone from the side of the sink and called the precinct and told them she wouldn't be in.

Johanna looked up from the pancakes she was putting on a plate as Kate entered the kitchen.

"Why aren't you dressed for work?" she asked her as she took in the sight of her daughter still clad in the leggings and t-shirt she had worn to bed.

"I'm not going to work," she answered as she sat down, "I don't feel good."

Those four words were all Johanna needed to hear to snap her into mom mode. She sat the plate on the table and then moved to her daughter's side and laid a hand against her forehead and then against her cheeks.

"You don't have a fever," she told her.

"I'm not surprised," she replied as she folded her arms across her chest. "I'm cold."

"That might be from the air conditioning," Johanna said, "What else is wrong?"

"My head hurts and my stomach is upset."

Johanna poured her a glass of orange juice and then went to the cupboard and pulled out the bottle of Advil and shook out two tablets for her.

"Take these and drink your juice," she instructed, "And then you can try and eat something."

"I'm not hungry," Kate told her.

"You should try and eat a little anyway," Johanna replied, "At least some toast or a pancake. It might help settle your stomach."

"Okay, fine," she replied, "I'll try."

"Did you call work?" her mother asked.

She nodded, "Yeah, it's taken care of."

Johanna fixed their plates and the subtly studied her daughter as she nibbled on a piece of toast. She was pale but she had been that way ever since she had woken up from her nightmare; and she hadn't mentioned feeling sick the entire time they had set in the living room watching television. She wasn't stupid, and her maternal instincts were picking up some suspicious vibes. She'd seen this type of illness before; in the past it had occurred during moments of worry due to tests or report cards. It happened during quarrels with friends or those tragic teenage break ups that always seemed like the end of the world, or when she'd been embarrassed about one thing or another and didn't want to go to school.

Johanna wasn't afraid to bet that Kate's illness was mostly in her mind, brought on by the upset from the dream she had. She wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't say what it was about and Johanna didn't dare tell her that she had been calling out 'Mom' in her sleep. She pretended to be oblivious because she knew that's what Kate would prefer, and she would continue to do so. Whatever it had been that she had dreamed had obviously terrified her enough to warrant calling in sick to work and she wasn't about to embarrass her by letting on that she knew what the real issue was.

After she had choked down a piece of toast and drank her juice in effort to appease her mother, she retreated to the couch and curled up, pulling the thin blanket that she had used the night before over her.

"Do you want me to turn down the air conditioning?" Johanna asked as she handed her the remote.

"No, just open the blinds a little so the sun will come in," Kate replied.

Her mother opened the blinds, and then adjusted the blanket over her, making sure she was comfortable. "Try and get some sleep, Katie," she told her. "I'll go clean up the kitchen."

"Take the gun," Kate stated as she glanced at the two guns and two phones that had been relocated to the coffee table the night before.

Johanna didn't question her daughter's order; she picked up the gun and her phone and carried them to the kitchen.

Kate nestled into the sofa and flipped channels until she landed on a morning talk show and then she laid the remote beside her and listened to the sounds of her mother moving around the kitchen. She was tired but she was still reluctant to close her eyes and when Johanna came back into the living room after taking care of the breakfast dishes, she was still wide awake and watching the television. Her phone rang and she sighed as she reached for it.

"Do you want me to answer it?" Johanna offered.

"No, I've got it," she told her as she accepted the call from Esposito.

"What?" Kate asked as she answered.

"We heard this rumor that you called in sick," Esposito stated.

"And?"

"And we couldn't believe it," Ryan's voice said. "We had to call and see if it was a hoax since you never call in sick."

"It's not a hoax," she replied, "I really did call in sick."

"You don't sound sick," Esposito replied. "What do you think, Ryan? Does she sound sick to you?"

"No, she sounds okay to me."

Kate rolled her eyes, "I don't have to sound sick to feel sick," she told them.

"I think you're faking," Esposito said, "I bet you and your mom are going to a shoe sale."

"We wish we were going to a shoe sale," she replied and she saw her mother smile at the thought.

"I bet you are," he accused teasingly.

"What's with you and the shoe sale, Espo?" she asked, "You need a new pair of heels or something?"

"Funny," he said as his partner's laughter sounded in the background.

"You started it."

"Okay," he said, "In all seriousness, what's wrong with you? Should we send Lanie over to check on you?"

"No," she answered, "I don't need Lanie to leave work and come over here. I just don't feel good; it's probably one of those 24 hour things."

"Hey at least you can't say we weren't concerned," Ryan told her.

"I appreciate your concern," she said, "But I'll be fine."

"Alright," they said, "We'll check in later."

Kate laughed, "I can hardly wait," she told them before ending the call.

A short time later she and her mother were each reading a section of the newspaper when someone knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," Johanna told her, motioning for her to stay put. "It's probably your father."

She opened the door and found Castle instead, his hands occupied with two cups of coffee.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked.

She smiled and turned to look at her daughter, "Katie, I think you forgot to call someone," she said as she stepped aside and allowed him inside.

"I'm sorry, Castle," Kate said as he joined her on the sofa. "I should've called and told you I wasn't going in but I didn't think about it."

"That's okay," he replied as he handed her her coffee, "Ryan and Esposito told me when I got to the precinct."

"But still I should've thought to call you, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," he said, "What's going on? You were fine last night."

"I know. I guess I picked up a bug."

"It's kind of sudden."

"It usually is."

"Do you need to go to the doctor?" he asked, "I'll take you."

"I don't need a doctor, Castle," she said indulgently, "It's not serious."

"We could call Lanie."

"She does not need a doctor," Johanna exclaimed, "She has me!"

"But you went to law school," Castle said.

"So?" she said, "I'm a mother, that makes me more than qualified."

He laughed, "The AMA would probably disagree."

"Would you feel better if I told you I dated a doctor once?" she asked.

"Did you?" Kate asked.

"Kind of," Johanna said.

She laughed, "What do you mean kind of?"

"It was in college, he hadn't graduated yet."

"That doesn't make me feel better," Castle said.

"I dated a doctor," Kate told her.

"And that really doesn't make me feel better," Castle stated as jealousy flared inside at the thought of Doctor Motorcycle Boy.

Johanna grinned, "I think we better talk about that when we don't have company," she said, "I think Rick's blood pressure just ticked up a few notches."

"I don't think he needs to be discussed at all," Castle said, "He's out of the picture, gone, done, it's over, so long, sayonara."

"Wow," Kate said, her lips turning up in a satisfied grin, "Do you feel better now that you got that out?"

"I kind of do," he admitted.

"I take it you weren't a fan," Johanna teased.

"No, I wasn't," he answered, "But I'll put aside my problems with the medical profession and take you to one if you need to go…as long as he isn't the one who comes to check you."

"He's a heart surgeon, Castle," she reminded him, "I think the chances would be slim."

"Impressive," Johanna said.

Castle shot her a look, "I met him, and he was not impressive at all. You wouldn't have liked him."

"How do you know?"

"Because you like me," he answered.

Kate laughed, "That's a good enough reason."

"I'm glad you brought that up, Rick," Johanna said, "I do like you and yet you seem to be implying that I can't take care of my daughter."

"I'm not implying that at all," he said, "I was merely asking if she required medical attention, because she never calls in sick to work. I've seen her go to work with head colds and fevers. You don't know how she is."

Kate cringed as she saw something flicker in Johanna's eyes that hinted at the fact that his last remark had touched a nerve that he should've stayed away from.

"I'm her mother," she said seriously, "I know plenty about her."

"As a kid, maybe," he said, "But you don't really know her as an adult. You don't know her like I do."

"I think you both know me pretty well," Kate said as her mother's jaw tightened.

Her statement went ignored as Johanna sized up her opponent with an icy glare.

"That's quite a look," Castle whispered to Kate.

"Have you ever seen those nature shows where they show a possum play dead until the predator goes away?" Kate asked him.

He nodded, "Yes."

"You might want to think about doing that now."

"I didn't mean to offend you," he stated as he glanced at Johanna, "But it's the truth."

"You should've left off the last end of that statement, Castle," Kate whispered.

"It may be the truth," Johanna said, "But that doesn't mean that I don't _know _her. Some things a mother always knows, and let's not forget that I'm here with her every single day. I probably see her as much or more than you do, I learn quickly."

He glanced at Kate, "Give me your shirt I need a white flag," he said taking note of her white top.

She smacked him lightly, "I'm not giving you my shirt," she replied, "Apologize and take cover like the rest of us do when we punch the wrong button."

"I'm sorry," he said.

Johanna nodded, "It's fine, Rick."

He glanced at Kate who shook her head, telling him it wasn't fine.

"That remark was insensitive," he said, "Sometimes I don't think, please forgive me."

She smiled slightly, "I forgive you."

He laid a hand on Kate's leg and patted it, "I see you're in good hands here with Florence," he quipped, "So I'm going to go before she changes her mind and hurts me. I'll call later."

"I'll talk to you later," she told him, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Don't look so worried, Rick," Johanna said as she walked him to the door, "She's fine."

"I know," he said.

She smiled, "Don't worry about me either. I was being overly sensitive, forgive me."

He smiled at her, "No problem. Call if you need me."

"I will," she promised.

Johanna closed and locked the door behind him only to go back and let Jim in twenty minutes later.

Kate sighed heavily as she went through another round of explanations about why she was home for work and when Johanna left the room to go make the beds, Jim sat down next to her.

"You're not sick," he stated as he looked her in the eye.

She held his gaze, "If I'm not sick than why aren't I at work?"

"You tell me," he said.

"I already did."

"What's the real reason?" Jim asked.

"Your wife hasn't doubted my word."

"Your mother wants to baby you," he replied, "She'll believe anything."

Kate shrugged, "I don't seem to be having a problem with that."

"Why is that?" he asked, "I would've thought you'd balk at being babied by your mother."

"What is this, twenty questions?" she asked

He nodded, "It's a better game when answers are given."

"I gave my answers."

"Come on, Katie," he said, "You can tell me the truth."

She sighed, "You know what, you're leaving me no choice."

"No choice but to tell the truth?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head, "No choice but to sic my bodyguard on you."

"Who's that?" he asked with a laugh.

She smiled and then yelled, "Mother!"

He glared at her in amusement, "That's not nice."

"What's wrong?" Johanna asked as she came back into the room.

"He's bothering me," she said, pointing at her father. "He's implying that I'm a liar."

"Jim!"

"Oh come on, Johanna, you know she's not really sick."

Kate listened with amusement as her parents bickered and then her mother got the upper hand and ended the discussion.

"We need things from the store," Johanna stated, "I'll make you a list and you can go get it for us," she told her husband.

He looked at his daughter, "Now see what you've done, I'm being punished with grocery shopping."

"That's what you get," Kate told him.

Johanna sent him off to the market with his list and then she settled back down in her chair and looked at Kate. "If I was you I'd go to sleep before he comes back," she told her.

Kate smiled and made herself comfortable once more, but she forced her tired eyes to stay open for as long as possible.

Her reluctance to sleep confirmed Johanna's suspicions about the nature of her upset, not that she was surprised, but she subtly kept watch and finally Kate's fluttering eyelids slid shut. When Jim returned with the groceries she quietly lectured him in the kitchen and forced him to agree that he wouldn't question her anymore. She fielded calls from Castle and the boys, and Lanie. When Kate awoke, she went on holding up her end of the charade, her questions going only as far as to inquiring if she was feeling better. By evening she was pretty much back to herself and she thought that perhaps it was behind her now and that Kate would sleep easily when she went to bed, but at various time through the night, Johanna heard her crack open the door of her room as if she were checking on her. She said nothing; she pretended to still be asleep. She listened to her pace the floors for a few minutes after each check and then she heard her retreat back to her own bedroom.

* * *

The next morning, Johanna half expected her to play sick again but she entered the kitchen dressed for work.

"Feeling better?" she asked her.

"Yeah, I am fine," Kate told her as she joined her at the table.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," she said with a light smile, but to tell the truth she still had butterflies in her stomach at the thought of leaving but she couldn't stay home again. She was just being ridiculous.

She had no sooner finished breakfast when Castle showed up at her door.

"Are you going in today?" he asked as he handed over her coffee.

"Yes," she replied, "I'm going back to work."

He smiled, "Great, I'll go with you."

Kate smiled at him and then called her mother from the kitchen to lock up behind her, but she lingered and hesitated, drawing out small talk instead of leaving. Castle watched the scene, his suspicions heightened. He didn't really buy that she had been sick the day before; he believed that she might have told herself that she was to justify staying home but there was something else going on. There was something on her mind. He made a mental note to watch her more intently to see if her behavior changed once she was occupied with work. If it didn't, he'd have to drag it out of her.

Later on at the precinct, Castle watched as she tapped out yet another text message and hit send before turning her attention back to the stack of paperwork that had been awaiting her return to the precinct. The phone buzzed and she grabbed it, read the message and then laid it aside once more.

"Is something wrong?" Castle asked her.

She slicked her gaze toward him, "No," she answered, "She's fine."

"I meant with you," he responded.

"Me?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes."

"I'm fine, Castle," she replied, as she gave him a light smile in hopes of convincing him that what she said was true.

The look he gave her showed that her words and smile had failed in their efforts and she shifted her gaze back to her papers.

"What is it?" he asked.

"What's what?" she replied, "Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Because you don't usually call and text her as much as you have been today," he remarked.

She glanced at him, "I haven't been calling and texting more than usual," she replied, although she knew it was a lie.

"Kate," he said, "You called an hour ago, and you've already texted her twice since then. You've been doing that all morning. Now what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"It's something."

She sighed as she pushed back her hair. "It's stupid," she said as she snatched up her coffee cup and headed for the break room.

Castle followed behind her, determined to drag it out of her. "It's not stupid if it's bothering you, Kate," he said as he watched her refill her mug.

"Trust me," she replied, "It's stupid and childish."

"Than you've come to the right person," he told her with an assuring smile; hoping a bit of humor would soften her resolve against telling him what was on her mind.

She smiled as she looked down into her coffee cup, but she said nothing as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip in obvious debate about sharing her irrational fears.

"You know you can tell me," he said softly. "You know I'm not going to judge you or think you're crazy or whatever else your mind is conjuring up."

She nodded, "I know."

"Then let's hear it," Castle said. "What's bothering Kate Beckett today?"

Kate hesitated, she felt so foolish for being so shaken by something that could easily be explained away.

"I had a bad dream," she said quietly.

"Why didn't you call me?" he asked.

"Because it was bad enough that I obviously was crying out in my sleep and woke my mother up because of it; why should I drag you out of bed too?"

"Because you can," he told her. "What was the dream about?"

She looked him in the eye, "What do you think, Castle?"

A bad dream and increased phone calls home, he thought, that could only mean one thing. It had been about Johanna.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she said, "I just want to forget…but I can't and I feel so stupid for being bothered by a dream that I can easily explain away."

"It's not stupid," he insisted. "Everyone has dreams like that sometimes that leaves them shaken the next day. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I didn't have it last night," she replied.

Another piece of the puzzle he thought to himself. "That's why you stayed home yesterday, isn't it?"

She nodded, "That and I felt sick…but of course I'm sure I felt sick because of it."

He glanced around and made sure no one was watching them and then he allowed his hand to rest against her lower back.

"How bad was this dream, Kate?"

"As bad as it could get," she replied as she blinked back the sting of tears.

"Does she know what it was about?" he asked.

"I didn't tell her," Kate said, "But I think she knows…she always seems to know everything without being told."

He smiled, "Mother's intuition."

"That's what she always claims," she replied, "She hasn't came out and said that she knows what it was about but I can tell that she does…she's just humoring me and playing along; either to spare me the embarrassment or because she thinks I'll be mad if she says something about it."

"Would you be mad?" he asked.

"No, but I'd probably deny it, and then she'd give me that 'I know you're lying' look and that would probably open up a can of worms, so we're probably better off with her pretending like she doesn't know. I'm probably driving her crazy though."

Castle shook his head, "I doubt that. I'm sure she understands."

Kate took a sip of her coffee as they stood there in comfortable silence for a moment.

"Maybe I shouldn't leave you tomorrow," he commented.

"Leave me?" she exclaimed in a hushed voice as her gaze shot to his face.

"Not _leave you, _leave you," he said hurriedly, "Didn't I tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"About the writer's conference in Atlantic City," he replied. "I thought I told you."

"No you didn't tell me," she replied; frowning at the thought. "How long is it?"

"Two days," he answered, pulling his phone from his pocket and pulling up the email that gave the details and his schedule for the event, and then handing it to her to examine.

"Guest speaker, huh?" she said as she looked over the message.

He shrugged, "I have to share my gifts with the world," he quipped.

"You mean the secret to your writing, Caffeine, sleep deprivation, and 3 a.m. text messages to me asking 'Would Nikki Do This?'."

Castle grinned, "I send you those messages so you feel included in the process."

"You're with me everyday…I'm as included as I can get," she replied.

"You know you like it," he teased.

"All the things I do for your 'process'," she stated, "And yet you make me beg for a few spoilers."

"I'll sign up for the 'How to make your muse feel appreciated lecture'," he replied, "Would that help?"

"Couldn't hurt," she laughed.

He caught her eye, "I could get out of it though…if you want me to stay here."

"That's sweet of you to offer, Castle," Kate told him; her eyes full of warmth and affection, "But you have your job to do just as I have mine and I'm not going to tell you not to do your job because I have a few irrational fears. I'll be fine, and so will my mom. Nothing happened yesterday and nothing has happened today, so chances are, nothing will happen tomorrow, right?"

"Right," he said with a nod, "But I will stay in New York if you want me too."

She studied him, "You don't want to go, do you?"

"No," he replied, "These things are so boring," he complained.

She laughed, "So you want to use me as an excuse?"

"Your wellbeing is a viable excuse," he stated.

If they had been somewhere else, somewhere outside of the precinct and its prying eyes, she would've kissed him.

"I'll be fine," she promised. "You go do your job…share those gifts with the world," she teased, "God knows Patterson could stand to learn a few things from you."

His eyes sparkled at the thought, "Isn't that the truth?"

She laughed, "Yeah, and it wouldn't be right to deny him a learning experience at your hands, now would it?"

"I guess you're right," he stated. "Will you at least miss me?"

She smiled softly, "Of course I'll miss you."

"You will?"

She ducked her head for a moment, "I always miss you when you're not here, Castle," she whispered.

His smile was almost blinding "Is that right?"

Kate nodded and then grinned, "But don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to protect; and besides, I think I've managed to convince Ryan and Esposito that I'm grateful for the reprieve once in awhile."

His eyes twinkled merrily as he made a show of pretending to zip his lips shut and throw away the key.

She laughed and nudged him with her shoulder, and then turned to leave the break room. Once she was settled at her desk once more, he looked her in the eye and said, "But seriously, if you change your mind and don't want me to go, you just say the word and I'll stay put…I will give the best fake sick phone call you've ever heard."

"I'll keep that in mind, Castle," she promised before turning her attention back to her work.

* * *

Johanna tapped out a reply to a text from Kate and then laid her phone aside and focused her concentration on the cards that Jim had dealt her for their next round of rummy.

"You want to tell me what's going on with our daughter today?" he asked as he glanced at her.

"Same things as usual," she replied as she laid a card down.

"Johanna, she's done called and texted fifty times, that's not normal behavior from her. Now what's going on?"

"It's nothing," she replied, "She's just not herself today."

"Like she wasn't herself yesterday?"

She nodded, "Something like that."

"I hate when the two of you keep things from me," Jim said.

"It's nothing for you to worry about," Johanna told him. "She just has something on her mind; she'll be fine."

"I think you know what's bothering her," he stated.

"I may have a suspicion."

"Don't you want to share it with me?" he asked, humor tingeing his voice.

She smiled as she glanced away from her cards, "Mother-Daughter confidentiality."

"Ah," he said, "She told you not to tell me."

"No," she replied, "She didn't; truth is, she hasn't even told me what's really bugging her. I just put things together for myself and figured it out."

"Put it together for me," he said, "Maybe we can fix it."

Johanna shook her head, "It's just something she has to work through her own; and while she's doing that she needs to check in a little more often to make herself feel better and that's fine with me if it eases her mind."

"So what you're saying is for me to butt out because Katie just needs her mommy, right?" he said with a laugh.

Johanna glared at him playfully and lightly kicked him beneath the table. "Behave."

"You don't make it easy to be behave, Johanna,' he teased.

"Don't blame me," she told him.

"Who else is there to blame?"

"Yourself," she teased.

"Why should I blame myself?" he asked.

"Because you're a bad influence on me," Johanna replied, "You always have been."

He laughed, "Are you saying I corrupted you?"

She nodded, "Between you and Jeff I didn't stand a chance of remaining the sweet girl I used to be."

Jim laughed, "When were you ever a sweet girl?" he teased.

Johanna grinned, "Well there was that one time when I was five."

He caught her eye and smiled, he had missed this, but of course it was safe to say he had missed a lot of things, but this, just the two of them, teasing one another and letting the world go on without their notice, that was one of the things he had missed the most.

* * *

The next morning, Kate opened the door and found Castle standing on the other side once again. "What are you doing here?" she asked, "Aren't you supposed to be on your way to Atlantic City?"

"I've got time," he said as he followed her into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Johanna," he said as Kate's mother glanced up at him from her place at the table.

"Good morning, Rick," she replied with a smile, "Katie said you were going out of town."

"I am," he said, "But I wanted to do the world a favor and bring someone her coffee so she won't inflict her crankiness upon mankind."

Kate smirked at him as she accepted her cup of coffee from his hand, "Thank you, Castle."

"You're welcome," he said and then he shifted from foot to foot as she studied him.

"What's on your mind?" Kate asked.

"I just…wanted to make sure you were still feeling alright," he answered, "You know, since you weren't feeling good the other day."

She smiled and held his gaze, "I'm fine."

"You sure?" he asked, "Because I can stay here."

Kate laughed, "Castle, if you want an excuse to stay home, than you should've had Martha write you a note."

He grinned at her, "I would have but she hasn't come home yet," he stated, "She's probably waiting until she's sure Alexis and I are both gone for the day so she can do her walk of shame in private."

"I guess you could ask my mother," she offered.

"How about it?" he asked Johanna, "You want to write me a note excusing me from this writer's conference."

"Depends," she answered, "What's your excuse."

"I'm sick," he answered, as he fake coughed, "I think I caught what Kate had."

"Nice try," Johanna replied, "Kate wasn't coughing."

"Maybe mine's more advanced than hers was," he stated.

She laughed, "Go to work, Rick."

Castle sighed dramatically, "Are you sure you don't want me to stay here with you?"

"I'm fine, Rick," Kate said as she held his gaze, hoping he caught her meaning that she was feeling better now that the last two days had passed without incident.

He nodded, "Okay, but if you need me, call me."

She giggled as remark brought to mind a song and she couldn't seem to stop herself from spouting the next line. "No matter where you are, now matter how far."

Johanna laughed as the song sprung to her mind too and Castle's blue eyes shone with amusement as he threw out the next line.

"Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry, on that you can depend and never worry."

Kate was giggling as she took her turn, "No wind, no rain."

"Nor winter's cold, can stop me baby, if you're my goal," Castle said his voice laced with amusement.

"I don't know the next part," Kate laughed.

"Let's skip to the fun part," Castle said, "Aint no mountain high enough," he spouted.

"Aint no valley low enough," Kate replied.

"Aint no river wide enough."

"To keep me from you," Kate finished.

"Nothing starts the day like a sing along at breakfast," Johanna said as she laughed.

"I know, right," Castle replied, "We should make this part of our morning routine."

Kate giggled, "So now you want us to be the Supremes?"

"You can be Diana Ross," he told her.

"Diana went solo," Johanna reminded him.

He thought about that, "On second thought, we'll let Esposito be Diana…he has diva tendencies, we can be the ones that got left behind."

She nodded, "Okay that works. Knowing Espo he'd probably demand to be Diana anyway."

"Can't you just picture him in a yellow chiffon gown," Castle said.

Johanna almost choked on her orange juice as Kate laughed. "I'd pay to see him in yellow chiffon."

"Put me down for twenty," Johanna replied as she coughed, "I'll throw in an extra twenty to see you in it, Rick."

He grinned at her, "Yellow's not my color."

"You're right," she replied, "You'd probably need something with sequins."

"Castle in sequins," Kate said with a shake of her head, "Now that is something I wouldn't want to miss."

"I'll have you know I'd look damn good in sequins," he stated.

"What's my costume going to be?" she asked, "Or should I be afraid to know?"

He thought about it for a moment, "We'll get you a bikini."

She shook her head, "Bikini's just get you in trouble…just ask my mother."

"Johanna," he said in mock surprise, "Did a bikini get you in trouble."

"Almost," she replied.

"In Atlantic City," Kate filled in.

He grinned at her mother, "The plot thickens."

"Nothing happened."

"Don't believe her," Kate said, "Something happened…she just won't confess how much."

"Scandalous," he teased Johanna.

She laughed and turned the conversation back to them, "There's a problem with your version of the Supremes," she told them, "There's only three, what are you going to do with Ryan?"

"We'll put him in feathers and make him our manager," Castle quipped.

Kate burst into another fit of laughter and her mother joined her as they each imagined it.

"Castle, I don't know where you come up with these things."

"This one's your fault," he told her, "You're the one who started it with lyrics from Aint No Mountain High Enough."

"You didn't have to finish it."

"You can't start a song and not finish it!" he exclaimed.

"Why not?" Johanna asked, "You skipped the whole middle."

"You could've joined in and helped us along," he told her.

"Maybe next time," she replied.

Castle laughed, "When I go to this conference and they ask me about my relationship with my muse, I'm going to say, 'We drink coffee, sing Aint No Mountain High Enough and then we go out and save the world. What do you think of that?" he asked.

"I like it," Johanna stated.

Kate was laughing, "Me too."

"That's because we're awesome," he said and then he raised his hand, "High five."

She smacked her hand against his and he wrapped his fingers around it, holding it and suddenly the moment became charged with intensity as their laughter faded and their gazes looked.

It was going to be one of those kind of moments, she thought as her heart fluttered. One of those moments that always seemed to occur during the most innocent of touches, reminding them of the pull between them, the sparks flying and the world falling away. They stood there, holding hands, their gazes trained on each other and neither one of them moved despite knowing what they both wanted.

"Oh for god's sake," Johanna said, "Kiss each other and be done with it."

Kate's eyes closed for a moment and then she opened them and shot her mother a look.

"Well," she remarked, "You know you want to and your intense hand holding session is going to melt the butter so just do it and be done."

Castle laughed and held tightly to Kate's hand, keeping her from pulling it away, "I love your mother."

"You want to take her with you?" she asked, "Because I wouldn't hesitate to let you take her off my hands."

"I would but Jim might not like her running off with other men," he replied.

"Especially not to Atlantic City," Johanna stated.

Kate shot a sly grin at her, "Rumor has it things got intense in Atlantic City…before they were officially together."

"Oh, yeah?" Castle teased.

"Don't you both have places to be?" she asked.

"See that," Kate said to her partner, "She doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot."

"Hey, I'm not the one hand holding in the kitchen," she replied.

"We saw you holding hands at the movies," Castle told her.

"I saw you two kissing at the movies."

"You did not," Kate stammered.

"I did too."

"I better get going," Castle said ending the conversation before Kate got too flustered.

"I'll be back," Kate said to her mother and she followed behind Castle as they each made a quick getaway from the topic Johanna had delved into.

They stepped out into the hallway and Kate's gaze met his before she ducked her head shyly. "I'm sorry…about that," she told him.

He chuckled softly and tipped her chin up, "Don't be, I have a mother at home who says whats on her mind too."

She laughed, "How did we get so lucky?"

"We must've been very bad in a past life," he replied, his eyes twinkling with humor.

"And now we're being punished," she replied.

They laughed together and then silence fell between them as they caught each others gaze again. This time he gave in and leaned forward and captured her lips in a kiss.

When it was over, she stepped into his embrace, holding on to him tightly for a few moments.

"You're sure?" he asked again.

She pulled back and looked at him, "I'm feeling better about things today," she told him, "I think I've shaken off my irrational fears."

He nodded, "Alright, I better get going. I'll see you in a couple days."

"Be careful," she told him, "Let me know you got there alright."

"I will," he said as he pressed a kiss against her cheek. "You be careful too."

"Always," she told him and because she couldn't resist, she stole a quick kiss from him before they said goodbye.

She watched him go and then she went back inside and gathered her things to go to work.

"I'm leaving," she called out, bringing Johanna out of the kitchen and handing her the coffee cup that Castle had brought her as she joined her at the door.

"Are you mad at me?" Johanna asked.

"For what?"

Her mother looked at her knowingly.

On a bad day she probably would've been angered by the slight teasing her mother had bestowed upon her, but today she wasn't and she smiled at her and said, "No."

"Good," she replied, "Because I…didn't think," she admitted, a part of her still unsure about how far she could push before she upset their teetering balance.

"It' s okay," Kate said, "I'll get even with you…I'll call Dad later and have him tell me a story."

She laughed, "He better not tell any stories that aren't approved by me first."

Kate grinned, "I'll make sure to tell him that; it'll make it more fun for him when he thinks of something to tell me that you'll hate me knowing."

"Keep in mind that he might change the facts to suit himself."

"That's the best part," Kate quipped as she hooked her purse over her shoulder and picked up her keys.

"Have a good day, Katie," Johanna said.

"I'll check in later."

"I know."

She didn't know why she did it, maybe it was the fact that her morning had gotten off to a good start and she was feeling more confident, but she paused long enough to kiss her mother's cheek as she said goodbye and then she was out the door and on her way.

Johanna smiled softly as she clicked the locks into place. It was getting better and she felt as though her patience was starting to be rewarded.

* * *

"I'll talk to you later," Kate said before ending one of her usual check in calls with her mother later that day.

She had no sooner laid her cell phone aside when the phone on her desk rang. She snatched it up, and listened to the person on the other end while she jotted down the address that she was being given. She hung up the phone and turned towards Ryan and Esposito and held up the scrap of paper.

"Let's go guys," she said, "We have a body waiting on us."

The boys pushed away from their desks, grabbing their jackets from the backs of their chairs before hurrying after her. They joined her in the elevator and she handed the scrap of paper to Esposito to examine before she hit the button to take them downstairs.

"Castle's going to be disappointed he missed a case," Ryan commented.

Kate smiled at the thought of her partner. "We'll fill him in when he gets back."

"He's probably too busy living it up in Atlantic City to care too much," Esposito remarked.

"He's at a writer's conference, Espo," Kate said, "Not a strip club."

He smirked, "That's the story for publication."

She rolled her eyes, "Really?"

"Come on, Beckett," he teased, "Do you really think Castle is in Atlantic City being a good little writer and not having any fun?"

"I saw his schedule," she retorted as the elevator doors opened and they filed out. "Strip clubs weren't on it."

"Oh, you're keeping tabs on his schedule now," he said; his eyes dancing with mischief. "I think things are getting serious, Ryan."

Ryan grinned at her before shifting his attention back to his partner, "I wonder how long it will be before they make an announcement?"

She shot them both a glare, "Alright guys, you've had your fun, now focus. We have a job to do so let's go do it before I hurt you."

They snickered behind her as they made their way to their cars. She shook her head at their antics as she got into the car and buckled her seat belt. She started the car and pulled out into traffic, a glance in the rear view mirror showed that Ryan and Esposito were behind her.

It was always strange for those first few moments when she found herself alone in the car. She was so used to Castle's constant chatter that it always took a moment to adjust to the silence and the absence of his presence in the passenger seat. She missed him, and that thought made her roll her eyes as she felt a flutter in her heart. She had just seen him that morning before he left, what did it mean that she missed him already? Kate blew out a breath, she knew what it meant.

She shook thoughts of Castle away; and switched her focus to thoughts of the crime scene that would be waiting for her. She shifted her mind into cop mode, preparing herself for the case ahead and whatever it would bring. She cruised along, her mind now on the job she had to do and the hopes she had that it would be an easy case. A black SUV pulled into traffic behind her, cutting Ryan and Esposito off from her view. She didn't worry about it, they knew where they were going; there was no need to play follow the leader.

The SUV began to drop back as she approached an alley, where another SUV sat idling. A tingle of suspicion shot down her spine. Something felt wrong. She reached for her phone but before she could get her hand around it, the vehicle from the alley came barreling out of the alley and towards her, slamming into the back of her car with a force that threw her forward against her seat belt, her chest slamming into the steering wheel.

She gripped the wheel tightly with both hands, trying desperately to keep control of the car as the SUV connected with her once again. She sped up, trying to create distance between them, giving her a chance to get away but the vehicle tailing her was just as determined. Every move she made, they followed. She needed help, and yet she couldn't risk taking her hands off the wheel to call or radio for it. She didn't know where the boys were, if they knew what was happening, or if they had been caught in a similar trap too.

Another slam made the car jerk wildly. This was a setup; she had no doubt in her mind about that. Things had been too quiet and now the ante was being upped. There would be no threatening notes this time, now they were going to show some force. She glanced in the rear view mirror, trying to get a good enough look at the driver so she'd be able to give a good description, but she couldn't see his face well enough. He was wearing a ball cap and dark glasses, and what appeared to be a black jacket. The thought of her mother entered her mind, and her stomach dropped. What if someone was going after her as well right at that very moment? Fear spread through her and she had force back the emotion that suddenly choked her. What if her nightmare was going to come true? Would she survive this only to walk into her apartment and find her mother dead on the kitchen floor?

She forced those thoughts away and focused her mind on strategy. There was a side street up ahead, if she sped up and took the turn at the last minute, she might stand a chance of catching the driver of the SUV off guard, which would give her a means of escape. She pushed the gas pedal down, forcing the damaged car to push its limits. The SUV kept coming. She neared the street and jerked the wheel to make the turn, but obviously the driver anticipated the move and he took the opportunity to speed up and slam into the driver's side of the car.

The force rocked the car and it rolled, she heard a scream and could only assume that it had came from her as the sounds of breaking glass and squealing wheels filled her ears. Thoughts of Castle flicked through her mind, along with the thought of Johanna and the remembrance of the horrifying image from her nightmare. Her body was being jerked back and forth and thrown against the door and the steering wheel. Her head took a hard hit as it smacked off something that she couldn't distinguish and then the world spun before it went black.

* * *

The car had righted itself by the time she came to. She felt something warm and sticky running down her face and her mind swam with disjointed thoughts. She needed to get home, that was the only thing she was certain of; she needed to get home to her mother. Fear and panic collided with her disoriented mind, convincing her that whoever had done this was on their way to kill her mother.

"Beckett!" she heard someone shouting from a distance. She opened her eyes, only to squeeze them shut again as the world spun in front of them.

"Beckett!"

The voice was closer now; she could distinguish who it belonged to.

"Esposito," she tried to call out but her voice was low and she didn't seem to have the strength to elevate her tone.

"Beckett," Esposito said as he reached the drivers side of the car, reaching through the window to touch her shoulder.

"Esposito," she said again.

"Hang in there," he told her, "The ambulance is on the way, we'll get you out of there."

"My mother," she said as she raised her hand to reach for him.

"Don't move," he told her, "Just hold still."

"My mother," she said again, a little more loudly this time. "You have to go to her, they'll kill her."

"Your mom will be fine," he told her, "There's a unit on the building."

"Go to her," she pleaded.

"Stay calm," he told her, "As soon as we get you taken care of, I'll send Ryan over there to check on her, okay."

"Now," she cried, "You have to go now, she'll die."

Esposito tried to keep her calm as Ryan handled the radio, making sure every available unit was out looking for the vehicle that had cut them off and the one that had hit Beckett. Squad cars arrived, the sounds of their sirens filling the air, and the ambulance pulled in a moment after them.

Ryan joined him as the emergency crew got Kate out of her car and onto a stretcher.

"How is she?" Esposito asked as the medic looked her over. "Is she going to be okay?"

"It looks like minor injuries," the medic replied, "But they'll be able to tell you more at the hospital."

"My mother," she cried out again, "Please," she begged.

Esposito looked to Ryan, "I'll go to the hospital with her, and I'll have Lanie meet me there. You go check on her mom and stay with her."

He nodded, "I'm on it."

Kate was lifted into the ambulance and Esposito climbed in after her. She was still crying for her mother, and he took her hand, trying to offer her some sort of comfort.

"Ryan's going to check on your mom," he told her. "She'll be okay."

"It's going to come true," she cried.

Esposito looked at the medic who was examining her.

"She has a concussion," he told him, "She's disoriented, she doesn't know what she's saying."

He wasn't so sure about that, and given the circumstances, he couldn't blame her for having that fear. He kept murmuring assurances to her, as the medic requested that he try to calm her, when another name escaped her lips.

"Castle," she said softly. She needed Castle, he'd listen to her, he'd take care of her mother.

* * *

Johanna was pacing the living room, feeling antsy, and she didn't know why. Something just didn't feel right. She wished that Jim was there with her but he wasn't. He had told her the night before that he had gotten a call from a former colleague asking for his assistance in preparing a case and she had told him to go do it, reminding him that Kate had asked him to keep up appearances as much as possible. He told her to call if she needed him, that he'd make up some excuse and drop everything to come to her but she couldn't and wouldn't call him just because she felt as though something was off in her universe.

She thought of Kate but she didn't pick up her phone to call her either. She had just spoken to her an hour and a half before. She was just being silly, everything was fine, there was no evidence that something was wrong somewhere. No one had called, and no one had been around. She was just bored and lonely and her imagination was getting the best of her; that was all this was. Some days she craved time alone but today obviously wasn't one of them. She just needed something to occupy her mind and then she'd be fine.

Maybe she could focus her mind on reading; she thought as she eyed Kate's overstocked book shelves. She moved towards them, ready to scan the titles, hoping to find something that would be distracting enough to settle her wayward mind when a knock at the door startled her. She grabbed the gun from the coffee table and hurried toward the door as the knocking continued, insistent and demanding.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Ryan," was the answer she received.

Her heart thudded as she fumbled with the locks. Something was wrong, she felt it, she heard it in the tone of his voice as he announced himself and the fact that Kate hadn't called to tell her that he was stopping by.

She jerked the door open, quickly gauging his reaction as he swept into the apartment, his eyes scanning the area.

"Where's Katie?" she demanded to know before he could even say a word.

Ryan looked at Kate's mother and saw the worry and anxiousness in her expression and he realized that he hadn't prepared himself to tell the woman that her daughter was hurt. He could stall the inevitable by getting down to business first and that's what he did, buying himself a few more moments to prepare.

"Has everything been alright here?" he asked her, "Has anything suspicious happened? Anyone been around or called?"

"No," she answered, her hands starting to shake, "Rick was here this morning but no one else. What's wrong?"

He took a breath and spoke calmly, not wanting to alarm her more than he already had.

"She's going to be fine," he stated.

Johanna felt her stomach drop, "Oh god. What's happened? Where is she?"

"We got a call about a body," he began, "On the way to the scene an SUV barreled out of an alley and slammed into her, while a second vehicle kept our car blocked. She was hit several times," he told her, neglecting to give her the exact details of the accident. "When we got to her she was conscious and able to talk."

Johanna's face was ashen, her ears ringing with his words and her mind flashing back to that day in May when she had watched the news report about Kate's shooting. Ryan was still speaking and she had to force herself to focus.

"She was on her way to the hospital when I left. Esposito went with her; Lanie is going to meet them there."

She had to get to her; that was all she could think about. She had to get to her daughter. Now. She had to be there with her, she wasn't going to sit this one out like the last time.

"Take me to her," Johanna said as she grabbed her phone and shoved her feet into a pair of Kate's shoes that had been discarded in the living room.

Ryan shook his head. "No, you need to stay put. I'm going to stay here with you; Esposito will call as soon as he has an update."

"No," she stated, "You take me to my daughter!"

"Listen," Ryan said, "I know you're worried but she's going to be fine; her injuries appear to be minor. You need to stay put, we believe that this was a set up, that she was lured out."

Johanna looked at him and then walked off towards the bedroom and he thought that he had won and that he had gotten through to her. He breathed a sigh of relief but the feeling was short lived as she reappeared with her purse in hand. She shoved her phone and gun inside of it and zipped it shut and then turned off the television before she turned towards him.

"I'm not staying put," she stated firmly.

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not," Johanna told him, her voice taunt with tension, "You take me to my daughter, now."

"No," he said firmly, "Esposito will call and update us about her condition. He'll probably bring her home in a few hours. You will stay here."

"The hell I will!" she exclaimed, "That's my child! She's hurt, she needs me and I'm going to her."

"I swear to you that she's going to be fine," Ryan explained calmly, "It's minor injuries."

Emotion was clawing at her, that horrible remembrance of what it had been like to wait for a phone call the last time she had known that Kate was hurt, threatening to swallow her whole. She couldn't go through that again.

"No," she all but yelled, "I'm not going to do this; not again. I'm not going to sit here and wait for phone calls or a news report to tell me my daughter's condition! I'm not going to take someone else's word for fact that she's fine," she cried as a few tears broke free. "I've already done that once! I can't go through that again and I won't. No one is going to keep me from her again."

It dawned on him then that Johanna was obviously referring to what she had gone through in the aftermath of Kate's shooting. He was sympathetic to her plight and he tried to soften his approach, hoping to get through to her.

"Mrs.…" he started to say and then dispensed with the formality as she had requested the night they had stayed with her. "Johanna," he said softly, "It's not like that. Kate hasn't been shot; it's nowhere near that serious. She's going to be fine. If I had any doubts about that I wouldn't hesitate to take you to her but I don't have those doubts and my job is to keep you safe for her."

"And my job, as her mother, is to go to her. Now you can either take me to her or I will walk out the door and go on my own. Now what's it going to be?"

Ryan was quiet for a moment as he assessed her expression which had hardened into determination; her green eyes glittering with challenge. She was obviously ready for a fight and he wished he didn't have to be her opponent.

"You know I can't let you do that," he told her.

"So you're going to take me?"

"No."

Anger flicked across her face as her jaw tightened, "Then you leave me no choice. I'll go alone."

Ryan stepped in front of her, blocking her way to the door. She sidestepped, but he anticipated the move and once again stayed in front of her, blocking her way.

"Just calm down," he told her, "I'll call Esposito and you can talk to him if you need more confirmation that she's fine; but I can't let you leave."

"Who's going to stop me?" she asked sharply.

"I am."

Johanna scoffed, "You better call for back up because I can assure you that you can't stop me alone."

"Don't do this to me," Ryan pleaded, "Just cooperate with me, okay?"

"I'll be happy to cooperate once I'm with my daughter."

"I've already explained to you…"

"Goodbye," she told him as she skillfully dodged around him and raced for the door.

"Don't make me use force," he said as he quickly fell into step behind her, reaching out and snagging hold of her arm.

"You don't have it in you to use force on me," she remarked. "I'm not a criminal and you're too respectful; and besides if you try it, I'm going to kick your ass and I don't think you want it getting around that a 61 year old woman beat the hell out of you."

He looked at her incredulously, "You think you can take me?"

"Honey, I know I can take you," she retorted. "You're not the type of a man that would hit a woman."

"I could arrest you," he told her.

"Go for it," she told him as she jerked her arm away. "But you'll have to catch me first."

With that statement made, she flung open the door and bolted through it before slamming it shut as she took off in a run.

It took Ryan a split second to get over his astonishment and then another second to jerk the door open and bolt after her. He turned in the direction of the elevator, figuring that's where she'd be headed, but she wasn't. He turned in the opposite direction just in time to see the door of the stairwell swing shut.

He had to hand it to her; she was slick, taking the stairs instead of the elevator to throw him off. He plowed through the door of the stairwell and he could hear the sound of her heels echoing off the walls as they pounded down the stairs. He had her in sight by the time he made the third floor and he called out to her imploring her to stop but she kept going, although the sound of his voice had caused her to look behind her, making her loose speed and allowing him to gain on her. By the time they hit the second floor landing, he was able to reach out and grab a hold of her arm, forcing her to stop.

She tried to jerk away but he held firm despite his worry of hurting her by doing so.

"Let me go," she cried as she crumbled a bit more. "You don't understand…I have to get to her."

"Alright," he relented, "Alright, you win, I'll take you."

"You're trying to trick me," she accused.

"I swear I'm not," he said as he cautiously loosened his grip, "Let's go back and lock the door and then I will take you to the hospital."

"You swear?" she asked.

Ryan nodded, "I swear."

She hesitated for a moment and then decided to take the chance and trust him. "Okay."

"If I take you, I expect you to listen to me."

"Fine," she agreed."

* * *

When Ryan pulled into the hospital parking lot, he shot a quick glance at a pensive looking Johanna Beckett as she sat in the passenger seat.

"Listen," he said seriously, "When I park the car, you do not jump out and start running. You wait for me to come around to your side, okay?"

"Okay," she answered; and to prove he could trust her, she kept her hand away from the door handle.

He found a place to park and then eyed her warily as he unbuckled his seat belt. She didn't make a move to get out, so he hurriedly got out of the car and made his way around to the passenger side and opened the door for her. When she stepped out, he took hold of her elbow and escorted towards the entrance.

"Again, you don't take off on me in here," Ryan told her. "I don't want to have to cause a scene by chasing you down and then handcuffing you to me; but I will if I have to."

"I'm not going anywhere," she told him; "Just take me to Katie."

The doctor approached Esposito as he paced the hallway in the area outside of Kate's room. Lanie was inside with her, so he had chosen to stand guard.

"Detective," the doctor said, and Esposito snapped to attention.

"What's wrong?" he asked. They had been told that her injuries were minor and non life threatening, and if something had changed he didn't know how he'd ever make that phone call to Johanna…or to Castle for that matter.

"She's fine," the Doctor assured, "But she's agitated, she keeps calling out for her mother and someone named Castle. She needs to stay calm, so if it's possible to get her mother here, I think you should."

"I'm her mother," a voice said from behind them and Esposito turned to see a pale faced Johanna Beckett making quick strides towards them, with Ryan doing his best to hang on to her.

"Mrs. Beckett?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," she stated, "What's wrong with my daughter."

"She's very lucky, considering the accident she was in," the doctor told her.

Her stomach clenched at the thought, obviously Ryan hadn't told her how bad it was.

"She has a concussion; bruised ribs and a slight sprain in her wrist, probably from trying to hold on to the steering wheel to keep control of the car. She has very minor abrasions and cuts. She'll be fine, but as I told the Detective, she's been agitated since she came in and her friend hasn't been able to calm her down. She's been calling out for you and someone else she's calling Castle. Maybe now that you're here you can settle her down. I don't want to sedate her but she needs to be calm or it could worsen the concussion."

Johanna nodded, "I understand. Where is she?"

"This way," he told her, leading her to a room a few steps away.

Since the room was close by, Ryan and Esposito allowed the doctor to lead her away.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Esposito asked, "You're supposed to be at Beckett's."

Ryan shot him a look, "Allow me to tell you a few things I've learned in the last forty five minutes," he told his partner and than he began filling him in on his experience with Johanna Beckett.

When he finished, his friend chuckled although he took the situation seriously, "Well think of it this way, Ryan, if we ever have to break news to her again, we'll know how to prepare ourselves for it."

"Yeah," Ryan said, "Go in wearing body armor and cuff her first."

Johanna entered the hospital room and found Lanie standing at Kate's side, holding her hand, murmuring reassurances as tears slipped down Kate's cheeks.

Lanie looked up and caught sight of her with the doctor and Johanna could see the relief in her features.

"She's here, Kate," Lanie said softly, "You're mom's here and she's fine, just like I told you."

"Try and calm her down," the doctor instructed, "I'll be back in a little bit to check on her."

Johanna moved to the side of the bed, taking in the sight of the bandage on her daughter's forehead and the spot of blood visible beneath it. Her face was bruised, her left wrist wrapped and her arms littered with bruises cuts that she was sure had come from broken glass. There was an IV in her right hand, probably pumping mild pain killers into her she thought. She gently brushed back a lock of her hair, and laid a hand on her arm.

"Katie," she said softly, "It's okay. I'm here."

Her eyes flicked open and she turned her head slowly in the direction of Johanna's voice.

"It's okay," she told her again, "I'm right here with you."

She could tell that Kate was disoriented as she gazed at her, her mind obviously working to comprehend what was going on.

"Mom?" she whispered.

"You're going to be alright," she told her, "Just rest. I'm here now."

"You okay?" Kate asked groggily.

"I'm fine," she told her as she glanced at Lanie.

"I'll tell you later," the M.E. mouthed to Johanna.

She nodded and turned her attention back to Kate. "Everyone's fine, Katie. Lanie's here, and the boys are outside in the hallway, and I'm staying right here with you."

"Castle," Kate whispered, "Where's Castle?"

She lightly rubbed her fingers across Kate's hairline, trying to give her comfort without hurting her. "Rick's in Atlantic City," she told her, "Remember, he had to go to a writers conference there? He brought you coffee before he left this morning."

Kate's mind was so hazy as she tried to sort out all of her thoughts. It was too hard of a job to try and figure it all out; all she knew was that she needed him. She needed him there with her; she needed him there to watch over her mother because she knew she could trust him the most with the job. More tears slipped from her eyes.

"I need him," she cried softly.

"I'll call him," Johanna told her, "I'll tell him what happened and I'm sure he'll get home as quickly as possible."

"You'll call?" Kate repeated.

"Yes, honey. I'll call Rick, but I want you to try and rest, okay? The doctor says you need to be calm."

"I want to go home."

"I'll take you home as soon as they say you can go," she told her, "But first you have to rest. Everything's alright, you just try and sleep a little, okay?"

"Don't leave me," she pleaded.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"I promise," she told her, "Now close your eyes."

Kate closed her eyes and Johanna continued to brush her fingertips along the un-bandaged portion of her forehead, and she carefully took hold of her hand, being careful not to put to much pressure on it or disturb the bandage that was keeping her wrist stable. She softly hummed an old lullaby that she had used to sing to her long ago, hoping that in her disoriented state that it would bring her comfort. After a few minutes, Kate had relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

Lanie dragged a chair over to the side of the bed for Johanna to sit down, and then she retook her own chair on the opposite side where she had been sitting ever since Kate had been wheeled into the room.

"I'm glad you got here," Lanie said in a hushed voice, "she was very upset, wanting to get to you."

"I would've been here sooner," Johanna replied, "But I had to persuade Ryan to give me a ride."

Lanie looked at her, "And by persuade, you mean what?" she asked, her eyes gleaming.

She smiled slightly, "Meaning I may have threatened him with bodily harm."

Lanie chuckled lightly, "Good for you."

"What was she saying?" Johanna asked, "What had her so afraid?"

She hesitated, not sure if she should tell Johanna what had spilled from Kate's lips as she cried and pleaded to go to her mother.

"She was worried about you," Lanie told her.

"I gathered that," Johanna replied, "What else?"

Lanie took a breath, "She kept crying, saying she needed to get to you because they were going to kill you; she kept saying it was going to come true…whatever that means, I don't know, but she just kept mumbling that, that she needed to get home…she just seemed convinced that if she didn't get home right away that by the time she did, she'd find you dead on floor."

She had a feeling that she knew what Kate had meant by saying it was going to come true; she wasn't afraid to bet that it came back to that nightmare she had that had terrified her so badly that she had made herself sick and stayed home from work.

"I kept telling her that you were fine, that Ryan was with you, but she was so worked up that she wasn't comprehending it and then she started crying for Castle. I tried calling him but all I got was his voicemail, so did Javi. We figure he has his phone off."

Johanna unzipped her purse and took out her own phone. "I promised to call him, so I'm going to try," she said to Lanie.

His phone went to voicemail, just as Lanie had said, but she left a message anyway, hoping that when he checked it and saw her name as a missed call he wouldn't waste anytime in calling back.

The doctor returned a short time later and was pleased to find Kate relaxed and asleep.

"When will she be able to go home?" Johanna asked.

"I'm going to keep her for observation for a few hours," he told her, "If everything appears to be going alright, and someone will be staying with her, I'll allow her to go home."

"I live with her," Johanna told him, "I'll be there to take care of her."

He nodded, "If she doesn't show any signs of growing worse, than she should be home sometime tonight."

* * *

The hours crept by as Johanna and Lanie kept vigil over her. Every time she whispered Castle's name in her sleep, Johanna took out her phone and tried to call him again despite the fact that his phone was obviously off. She had to do it though, she had promised, and she needed to feel as though she were doing something for her. Ryan and Esposito were lingering nearby in the waiting room, making their calls pertaining to the investigation of the accident, and confirming that the call Beckett had received about a body was bogus.

Satisfied that things were under control at the hospital, Esposito eventually left, leaving Ryan behind to escort Kate and Johanna home when the time came.

It was going on seven, and Kate was awake and more herself when the doctor finally deemed her ready to be released. He instructed Johanna in the signs to watch for that would require a return trip to the hospital and then he handed over the prescriptions which Lanie took and volunteered to get filled. Her injuries and the medication made it necessary for Johanna to help her dress, which she hated, due in part to her scars, but for the time being, her mother appeared to be distracted by the dark bruising of her ribs.

Johanna folded up the papers the doctors had given her and shoved them into her purse, along with Kate's belongings, not realizing that in the process she had bumped her phone and set it on silent.

After making sure they had everything, Johanna put her hand under Kate's elbow and held onto her as she stood up, and then guided her to out the door where Ryan stood waiting for them.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yes," Kate said, "Let's get out of here before they want to shine that damn light in my eyes again."

"Behave, Katie," Johanna said, "It had to be done."

"Like mother, like daughter," Ryan scoffed as he eyed Johanna.

She shot him a look, hoping to silence him, but apparently he no longer viewed her as a threat now that Kate was on her feet.

"She's already warned me that you'll be telling me an exaggerated story," Kate said as they made their way down the hallway.

"Oh, I've definitely got a story to tell you on the drive home," Ryan said, "And there won't be any need to exaggerate."

They both got into the back of the car, as Kate was momentarily reluctant to ride up front; and Johanna didn't seem willing to separate from her just yet. Once they had pulled out of the hospital parking lot, Ryan began to tell his story about his experience with the formidable Johanna Beckett.

Kate didn't doubt a word he said, because it didn't surprise her at all and her mother was avoiding her gaze as the story was being told. She should be mad at her for taking off on him, but she couldn't find it within herself to feel that way. She couldn't even conjure up the urge to beret her for it and remind her of the dangers.

Lanie was waiting on them at the door when they arrived and she followed them inside along with Ryan.

She gave the drugstore bag to Johanna, "Make her take those," Lanie instructed, "She'll say she doesn't need them but she's lying."

Kate smirked at her, "Thanks a lot, Lanie."

"You know how you are," her friend replied as she stepped closer to her and examined her pupils, "Still good," she said, "Keep it that way."

"I'm fine," Kate insisted.

Lanie turned her attention back to Johanna, "Do you have my number?"

"Not in my phone but I'm sure I can find it in hers," she answered.

She nodded, "If there's any change in her or you feel like something is wrong, you call me immediately and I'll get right back over here."

"Alright," Johanna agreed.

"I'll come by in the morning before I go to work to check her over for you."

Johanna smiled, "Thank you, Lanie. I would appreciate that."

"Make her listen to you."

"I intend too."

"Don't hesitate to call me."

"I won't."

Lanie said goodnight to them and then she left, leaving Ryan behind with them.

"Gates has a detail on the building," he told Kate. "It'll be there round the clock for awhile."

"I figured that," she answered tiredly, "And for the first time that I can remember, I don't mind."

He gave her a light smile, "Then I guess you won't be sending them home this time."

"No," she answered, "But only because I have more than just myself to worry about."

"Don't worry about your mother," he said, tossing an amused look at Johanna, "She's pretty tough, she can take care of herself."

Kate smiled, "I'd rather she didn't have to prove that and I'm sure she's sorry that she gave you a hard time…aren't you?" she asked.

Johanna shook her head, "Not really, but I think he'll forgive me."

"Of course I do," he replied. "I have to or you might not feed me anymore and then Esposito will gloat."

"We can't have that," Johanna answered.

"Has Espo found out anything yet?" Kate asked.

"We know the call about the body was bogus," he told her. "We had it traced, it came from a payphone and Esposito is having security camera footage pulled in the area. We're also pulling footage from the area of the accident and we have some statements from witnesses. The plates on the vehicle that cut us off we stolen, we couldn't get close enough to get the tag number of the vehicle that hit you, but I figure it's safe to assume that those plates were stolen also."

She could tell he was itching to get back to work with Esposito and that's exactly where she wanted him to be so she decided to cut him lose.

"Thanks for bringing us home, Ryan," she told him, "Get back to work. Let me know if anything turns up."

"You sure?" he asked, "I can stay."

"We'll be fine," she assured, "The buildings being watched, we'll be locked in and we're armed. I don't really think they'll be stupid enough to come around here tonight."

He nodded, "Call if you need anything."

"We will," she promised.

Johanna locked the door after he left and then she unloaded her purse, dropping phones and weapons onto the coffee table, along with the papers from the hospital. Kate was pulling at the hospital bracelet on her wrist and Johanna went to the kitchen and fetched the scissors and cut it off of her.

"Thanks," she said, "I hate those things."

Her mother gave her a weak smile and Kate knew she was worried and troubled but she didn't know how to ease that problem for her.

"You need clean clothes," Johanna said as she eyed the dried spots of blood on Kate's shirt.

"Yeah," she replied, "And I'd say buttons, snaps and zippers are out," she said recalling the difficulty she had at the hospital.

Her mother nodded, "Come on, I'll help you," she told her as she took hold of her elbow and guided her down the hallway to her bedroom.

"I hate this already," Kate said as her fingers fumbled with the buttons of her blouse.

"It's just the medicine, Katie," Johanna said as she took a green tank top and a pair of leggings from the dresser drawer before she moved back to the center of the room where Kate was standing.

"How long is it going to last?" she demanded to know as her fingers slipped away from the top button once again. "I feel ridiculous having to depend on my mother to dress me at my age."

Johanna laid the clothes on the bed and then carefully pushed Kate's agitated hands away and she gave her a patient smile. "I'm sure it'll be out of your system by tomorrow," she told her as she reached for the buttons of Kate's blouse and began slipping them from their holes with ease. "And there's no reason for you to feel ridiculous. You're hurt and you need help, there's no shame in that; especially when the person providing the help is your mother. I've dressed you more times than you can imagine."

"That was different," she muttered.

Johanna sighed; she had forgotten how cranky and stubborn her daughter could be when she was sick or hurt.

"Katie, if I was hurt and needed help, would you help me?"

"Of course I would," she replied, "You're my mother."

Johanna caught her gaze and held it, "And you're my daughter," she told her, "So don't worry about it," she said as she carefully pulled the blouse off of her shoulders and down her arms. She tossed it aside and picked up the tank top to help her slip it on when her eyes caught sight of the round scar on Kate's chest.

She froze, her eyes glued to that mark that had marred her child; the reminder of the bullet she had taken in the pursuit of justice for her…for a woman who didn't require it, the woman who had lied and ran and destroyed her family.

It should've been her; she should've been the one to take that bullet, not her daughter. She had done this, she had caused it. Her mind once again flashed back to that day in May when she had watched that news report and felt the world shatter beneath her feet once again. She remembered the darkness of those days, of waiting for the phone calls that would update her on her daughter's condition. She remembered how she prayed, how she begged god to let her child live. She remembered the gun in the nightstand…how she thought about using it, and as she stood there with her eyes glued to that scar, she wished she had because seeing the evidence of what Kate had endured was almost too much to bear.

When Johanna had paused, Kate had thought she was examining the bruises on her side but then as she watched her mother's expression turn anguished, and the tears fill her eyes, she realized that her gaze was directed at the bullet shaped scar she bore in the center of her chest.

Her mother's fingers reached out to touch the mark but halted in mid-air, trembling, and then drawing back. Kate managed to get her own fingers to cooperate and she grasped Johanna's wrist and laid her hand against her heart.

"It's okay," she said softly. "I'm okay."

Johanna shook her head, "It's not okay," she cried, the sob tearing from her throat painfully.

"I survived," Kate stated, "It's okay. I'm fine. I healed; my heart is healthy and strong, just like it always was. Do you feel it?" she asked her as she pressed her hand against her chest, "It's still beating."

"I'm so sorry," Johanna murmured through her tears. "I'm so sorry, Katie. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never wanted this to happen."

"I know you didn't," Kate told her, "It's not your fault."

"It is," she insisted, "It's all my fault. I'm just as guilty as the person who did this to you."

"No," Kate said firmly, "You are not guilty of this; you didn't do this. I'm the one who couldn't let the case go; I'm the one who had to keep chasing it. You didn't put me on their radar; I put myself on it. They came after me because of my actions, not yours. I dug too much, just like you did and they wanted to get rid of me. That's not your fault"

"It should've been me," she cried, "I wish it was me…I wish they would've found me and made me take that bullet instead of you."

"Don't say that," Kate told her as tears pricked her own eyes.

Johanna lowered her head as the tears continued to flow. "You should hate me for the rest of your life…just like I hate myself."

"I don't hate you," she told her mother, "And I'm not going too. Hating you wouldn't change anything and it wouldn't make either one of us feel better."

"It's what I deserve," Johanna replied. "I'm the worst kind of mother there is."

"Please stop," Kate pleaded, "Don't do this to yourself. You're not the worst kind of mother…you're my mother…and you've always loved me with every fiber of your being, and I know that you still do, despite our issues. Do I wish that you had done things differently and told us what was going on? Yes, of course I do, but I get why you didn't; why you felt like you couldn't. You were terrified; they scared you into believing that Dad and I would be in danger if you didn't comply. You lied to us…but not to be cruel, you did it because you love us and you wanted to keep us safe and that doesn't make you a terrible person or a bad mother. It makes you the person I've always known you to be…you were always the type of person who would sacrifice herself for someone else; especially if it was someone you loved. Yes, it hurts, and there's anger, but I understand, and you don't need to keep torturing yourself over this. We're both here now and we'll be okay."

Johanna pulled her hand away, but Kate kept a grip on it, not allowing her to sever all contact.

"Everyday I spent away from the two of you was my own personal hell," she said softly, "And then that day when your picture flashed onto the TV screen and I heard that report…I just wanted to die, Katie. I just wanted to die. I couldn't stand the thought of living in a world that you weren't apart of. You don't know how I feel inside…the guilt I have, that's never going to go away. I am always going to blame myself for this."

"You shouldn't," Kate replied quietly; "You thought you were keeping me safe; you didn't know that I would try and find the person responsible for taking you away from me. I'm the one who bears the responsibility for my actions; not you."

She swiped a shaky hand across her eyes and tried to get a hold of herself as she forced her gaze back to her daughter's face. It was pointless to argue the point, Kate couldn't make her change the way she felt; she couldn't absolve her of her guilt. No one could, that was all hers for the keeping. She stayed quiet as she held out the tank top for Kate to slip into; and then she unsnapped her jeans and unzipped them and then held her steady as Kate wiggled out of them, trading them for the grey leggings she had pulled from the dresser for her.

When she was finished dressing, Johanna began to move away, but Kate caught hold of her arm and stepped closer to her.

"I think I still have enough pain medicine in my system to withstand this, but don't squeeze me too hard," she told her mother as she wrapped her arms around her.

It took her a moment to react, but then she carefully enfolded her daughter in her embrace and held on to her lightly, trying desperately to keep from hurting her sore ribs, but unable to decline the gesture. She needed to hold her, to have that moment of comfort and affection that she was giving willingly, without the emotion of a fearful nightmare behind it. She savored it; even if she was in the mindset that she didn't quite deserve it.

"I love you," Johanna whispered to her.

"I know," she answered.

Silence fell as they held onto to each other, but there was a shift between them. Johanna couldn't help but feel like Kate had just created a door in that wall she kept between them, and instead of throwing the locks on it, she was leaving it ajar, allowing her to slip inside.

"You okay?" Kate asked her.

Johanna nodded and then reluctantly released her. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked her, "Because I need you to have yourself together. I know you're going to force me to take the medicine when it's due, and it's going to make me sleep. Gates is keeping a unit on the building tonight, but I need you to help me by staying alert tonight."

"I will be," she told her. "I'll be up keeping an eye on you; and I'll be alert for anything that seems off. I won't let you down."

"I know you won't," Kate told her. "Like I told Ryan, I don't really think anyone will risk coming around tonight, but I don't want to take chances. We're going to keep our guard up tonight. Make sure both of our phones are on; keep the guns nearby and within easy reach."

"Alright," Johanna said, "I'll follow your orders, and you follow the orders I give that the doctor gave me."

Kate sighed, "That's the part I hate."

Her mother managed a smile, "But you'll listen to me anyway, won't you?"

"I'll do my best."

"Katherine," her mother said.

"Okay," she relented, "I'll listen…for tonight."

"For as long as I deem necessary," she told her as she walked her back out into the living room and helped her settle onto the sofa.

"Did you call Dad?" Kate asked.

Johanna froze, she hadn't even thought of it. Just as she reached for her phone, an angry sounding knock sounded at the door and she had a feeling that she knew who it was…and that he wasn't going to be happy with her.

_Authors Note: Both Castle and Jim will be making their appearance in the second half, and I've researched Kate's injuries and tried to keep the effects of them as true to form as I can. I promise the second half is on the way; it will be finished as soon as possible. I'm going to make sure it's up by the end of the week. I promise C/B moments and J/J moments and Kate and Johanna having another heart to heart._


	26. Chapter 26

_Authors Note: Here it is, part 2! Thanks for your reviews; I hope you enjoy this part as much as the last! _

Chapter 26 – Madness Part 2

'_Come to me just in a dream, come on and rescue me. Yes I know, I can be wrong, maybe I'm too headstrong, our love is madness – Muse_

"You didn't call him, did you?" Kate whispered.

Johanna shook her and then moved towards the door, "Who is it?" she asked.

Her husband's voice responded just as she had expected and she quickly unlocked the door and allowed him in, her gaze taking in the sight of his taunt features and the unmistakable flicker of anger lingering in his eyes.

"Where's Katie?" he demanded to know.

"I'm right here, Dad," Kate replied. "I'm fine."

He cast his wife a glance that did nothing to put her at ease and then he moved towards the couch, as Kate pushed herself upwards into a seated position. Jim reached for her hand and he took it for a moment.

"You're alright?" he asked, needing confirmation one more time.

"Just a little banged up," she replied as she forced a light smile to her lips for him.

He breathed a sigh of relief and then turned his gaze towards his wife. "Why didn't you call me?" he demanded to know.

"I didn't think about it," Johanna admitted in all honesty, as her mind hadn't been in the right set to think clearly at the time of the accident.

"You didn't think about it?" he said harshly. "I'm your husband and you don't think to call me when something is wrong with our daughter?"

Johanna struggled to hold herself in check as her emotions were already close to the surface. "All I could think about was getting to her and then when I got there, the doctor was telling me to keep her calm and I just didn't think," she rambled. "I'm sorry."

"Relax, Dad," Kate said, "It's not that serious."

"It's always serious to me when you're hurt, Katie," he stated before turning his attention back to Johanna.

"You could've at least answered your phone when I called you…twice," he stated.

"You didn't call me," Johanna retorted.

"Yes I did, Johanna," he told her. "I called you as soon as I walked out of the office. You didn't answer, it went to voicemail. I figured you were in the shower or something and would call back. I went home and you still hadn't called, so I called you again and got the same thing. I called Katie and I couldn't get her either. I knew Rick was out of town so I called Esposito and he told me everything, which I guess is a good thing or I wouldn't know a damn thing about what's going on around here."

"I'm telling you that you did not call me," Johanna stated hotly. "I had the damn phone in my purse, my purse was right beside me, I would've heard it."

Kate picked up her mother's phone from the coffee table and checked it. "You must've bumped it," she told her as she fiddled with the phone, "It was on silent."

"Is there missed calls?" Jim asked.

"Yes," Kate replied.

"I'm sorry," Johanna said once again.

Before he could say anything else there was an insistent knock at the door followed by the voice of Rick Castle calling out, "Kate! Johanna!"

Johanna hurried towards the door and opened it.

"Is she okay?" he asked as soon the door cracked open.

"She's fine, Rick," Johanna told him.

"What about you?" he asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine too," she said as she stepped back and allowed him in, directing him to the couch which he hurried towards.

"I'm okay," she told him as his eyes moved over her, obviously looking for her injuries.

He perched on the edge of the coffee table, facing her, and ran a hand over his face. "They asked us to turn our phones off at the conference. When I got outside and turned mine back on and saw the words, 'Johanna, four missed calls,' I almost had a heart attack."

"I'm sorry," Kate said softly.

He shook his head, "No, don't be sorry. As long as you're okay, my heart will recover…as soon as it finds its way back from my toes."

"Minor injuries," she stated, "I'll be fine."

He nodded, "She told me in her message," he answered and then he turned to Johanna, "I tried to call you to tell you I was on my way back but I got your voicemail."

"She bumped it and put it on silent," Kate said, saving her mother another explanation.

"Sorry, Rick," she said quietly.

"Hey, it's okay," he told her, "I figured that maybe the hospital had asked you to turn it off. Don't worry about it."

"Wait, let me get this straight," Jim said. "You called Rick, four times but you didn't call me once!"

"She was asking for him!" Johanna exclaimed. "Lanie said she'd been asking for me and him the entire time before I got there, and after I was there she was still asking for him, so yes, I called him, because I told her I would."

Jim cut his gaze to his daughter, unsure if he was seeking her out for confirmation of the statement or confirmation that he hadn't rated on the list of people who were needed.

"Sorry, Dad," she said, "The next time I have a concussion and I'm talking out of my head, I'll try to remember that it's your turn to be asked for."

"No," Johanna said, "No next time, Katie. My nerves can't take it."

"I'll try to refrain from getting hurt, Mother," she replied. "Trust me; I don't go around getting into accidents for fun."

"The fact remains that someone, somewhere, should've called me," Jim said, "Preferably my wife since she had been informed, but if you weren't able to, anyone else would've done just as well. I'm her father!"

"I know!" Johanna exclaimed, "I was there!"

Castle caught Kate's eye and gave her a small smile at that remark. She returned the gesture but then she glanced at her mother's face and saw the frustration and sheen of tears that were building in her eyes. It was time for her to intervene and save her mother. She understood that her father had been afraid and worried but she couldn't allow him to keep taking his frustrations out on her when she hadn't purposely done anything wrong.

"Get off her back," Kate stated, "She didn't do anything wrong. She was worried and scared, and she had threaten Ryan and make an escape attempt just to get to me herself so I think you can cut her some slack for letting details slip her mind. All that matters is that I'm fine, she's fine, she was with me, we both got home safely and that everyone who needs to be here is here now and up to date on my wellbeing so leave her alone, okay?"

Jim knew he was being harsh and ridiculous, but a part of him couldn't help but feel stung by the fact that Kate had asked for Rick and Johanna but not him. He was her father, he was just as capable of caring for her and giving her comfort as the two people sharing the room with him; he'd done it before after all. He'd been her sole caregiver after the shooting and now it felt like he had slipped back down the ladder of importance.

"What are you thinking about, Dad?" she asked as she watched his expression.

"I was thinking about how now I know where I rank in the scheme of things," he told her.

"And where do you think that is?" she asked him.

"Third."

"What do you mean third!" Johanna demanded to know.

"Well there's Rick and then you and then me," he replied.

"It would be wrong of me to gloat about coming in first, wouldn't it?" Castle whispered to Kate.

She nodded, "It would probably be in poor taste," she answered and then turning her gaze to her father she said, "I wasn't aware there was an order of importance in my life, or a contest about who's first. I think there's enough of me to go around. All of you own a piece of me; you should all know that by now."

"And besides," Johanna said, "If there was a ranking order, you'd be second and I'd be third," she told Jim.

"It's not a contest," Kate repeated. "If I had to choose between all of you I wouldn't be able too."

"You'd choose Rick," Jim and Johanna both said at the same time.

"I win again," Castle declared.

"Don't let it go to your head," Kate told him.

"So it's true?" he asked.

"Of course it's true," Jim told him, "Everyone knows it."

"Okay, let me rephrase this," Kate said. "If I had to choose between my parents, I wouldn't be able too."

"You'd pick your mother," Jim said as began to feel foolish for airing his ridiculous thoughts and starting this conversation. "And that's okay, because I'd pick her too."

"I love you, Dad," she told him.

"I know you do," he answered. "Just overlook me. I panicked when I couldn't reach the two of you and then when I found out you were hurt…it just brought back bad memories, Katie. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Kate told him, "We'll forgive you this time…won't we?" she asked her mother.

Johanna nodded, "We always do."

"Okay, now that that's settled, can I have a few moments alone with Castle?" she asked.

"Of course," Johanna said as she grabbed her husband's sleeve and forced him to follow her in the direction of the hallway.

"Don't yell at her any more," Kate said to her father as the crossed the room, "Try being consoling this time."

They went into Johanna's room and closed the door, giving Kate and Rick the privacy they had asked for.

Johanna ran her hands over her face and then pushed her hair back as she began to pace the length of the room.

"I'm sorry," Jim said quietly as he caught hold of her on her second pass. "When I couldn't reach either one of you…I thought the worst. And then when Esposito told me what was going on and that she had been hurt…like I said; it was bad memories Johanna. It was bad enough being there and seeing her get hurt the last time, but to not know, to be left out of the loop, that's just as terrifying. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

"It didn't do my heart or nerves any good either," Johanna replied, a hint of sharpness in her tone. "I may not have been here last year but I have my own bad memories of the occasion."

"I know," he answered as he tugged her closer but she didn't sink into his embrace as she had expected.

She shook her head, "You don't know how I felt then and you don't know how I felt today when Ryan came to the door. Do you think I didn't panic?"

"I'm sure you did."

"I know I should've called you," she went on, venting her own feelings. "But I didn't think about it. I was too busy thinking about her and being caught up in my own worries, fears and bad memories to think of anyone else and if that makes me a terrible person…well then add it to the list with the rest of my sins."

"Hey," he said softly, brushing his knuckles against the stubborn set of her jaw, "You are not now, nor have you ever been a terrible person. That's our girl, we both panicked, and neither one of us appears to be thinking straight. I'm sorry, Johanna. I know you would've called me if you had been thinking clearly."

She said nothing as she kept her gaze on the floor and he felt terrible inside for making things worse for her. Now that he had vented his frustration and had seen them both and knew they were fine, he could take a step back and take the situation for what it was; she had been scared, getting to their daughter had been her goal. She'd done what any mother would do, she placed her child's welfare above anyone else and their feelings and he couldn't fault her for that."

He could tell that there had been tears at some point during the evening as her eyes still held redness and he expected more to fall as she gave in and laid her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around him, her fingernails digging into his back as she clung to him tightly.

She was going to hold herself together, he could feel the shift in her as if she were somehow putting a wall between herself and her emotions for the time being as she concentrated on the task ahead which would be nursing their daughter back to health.

He held her tightly, feeling the tension in her body and he whispered another apology in her ear before telling her that he loved her.

"I knew something was wrong," she whispered. "I just had this feeling that something wasn't right, and I had wished that you were here with me…but I told myself that I was imagining things."

"Why didn't you call?" he asked softly. "I told you that you could call me if you needed me."

"You were working," she replied, "And I didn't have any proof that something wasn't right. I felt like it would be silly."

"I don't care if it is," he replied, "If you feel like something is wrong than you call me," he told her. "I'll come to you, Johanna. I'm always going to come to you."

She released a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry."

"No, no more apologies," he whispered. "You're not to blame. Katie's going to be alright. Everything's going to be okay."

"Do your really believe that?" she asked.

"Would I say it if I didn't?"

"Yes," she whispered. "You'll say anything to make me feel better."

"That may be true," he replied, "But that doesn't change the fact that I believe things will work out."

She raised her head to look at him and he took the opportunity to kiss her tenderly.

"It's going to be a long night," she told him.

"I'm going to be right here with you," he replied.

"You don't…"

"I'm staying," he said, cutting off her statement. "I'm staying right here. I'm not leaving the two of you."

She nodded, and then bit her lip as she debated saying what was on the tip of her tongue.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm taking care of her," she stated.

Jim smiled at her and nodded, "I won't step on your toes or get in the way of your maternal instincts."

She smiled slightly, "I guess I've been officially initiated now," she stated.

"Initiated into what?" he asked.

"I've been initiated as a parent of a cop," Johanna said as she laid her head against his chest once again.

"Welcome to the club," he told her, "Lifetime membership."

"Can we make her quit?"

He chuckled lightly, "I wish."

"It was worth a shot," she replied.

* * *

With her parents out the room, Kate was able to concentrate fully on her partner and his worried expression that remained in place even in those moments when he had tried to lighten the mood.

"I shouldn't have left you," he said quietly. "I should've been there."

"No," she told him, "If you had been there, you would've gotten hurt too and I don't want that, Castle. I don't ever want you to get hurt because of me."

"But you were alone in the car…you were probably scared," he replied, "And in her message she was saying that you were calling for me…and I…well let's just say I broke a lot of traffic laws getting back here."

She gave him a small smile, "You're right, I was scared, and I wanted you. I wanted you to come to me, I was worried about my mom and I wanted you to be here to take care of her for me…"

"And I would have," he said interrupting. "I would've been there for you, I would've kept her safe…I would've taken care of both of you…I should've been here."

Kate laid a hand against his cheek as she slid forward on the sofa so they were closer. "Castle, you can't blame yourself for going to your conference. That was your job; you didn't know something was going to happen anymore than I did. I know you would've taken care of us. I know you would've been there, that's why I was asking for you. I know I can depend on you above all people."

He leaned into the feel of her hand, "God, Kate…I turned my phone on and saw those calls from your mother and from Esposito and Lanie and I couldn't find your name among them and I just panicked. Even after listening to Johanna's messages, because she gave me a very concise message telling me of your injuries and that you were fine, but it didn't help. I just had to get here…I'm not afraid to tell you that I was terrified."

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he told her, "This isn't your fault."

"I know but I scared you…I scared everyone I guess."

He gave her a weak smile, "You really have to stop doing that, Kate. You're going to give someone heart failure."

She smiled, "I'll try."

"We'll get you a new hobby," he told her.

"Sounds good," she said, "Because you know how I feel about hospitals."

He nodded, "And I'm not going out of town anymore until this is finished."

She should tell him not to think that way, that if he had to go he should but she couldn't…she didn't want him to be too far away. The distance between her apartment and the loft was enough.

"Okay, you stay in town and I'll do my best to avoid giving you a heart attack," she stated.

"Deal."

She wanted to lighten his mood so she said, "You think you had problems, Ryan had to tango with my mother…needless to say but he lost."

He chuckled softly, "Doesn't surprise me a bit, what happened?"

She told him the story that had been told to her and his spirits lightened somewhat only to turn serious again as he asked her about the investigation of the accident. She filled him in on what Ryan had told her.

"You can him or Espo later and ask if there's anything new, if you want" she told him.

"I'll check in with them," he said, and from the look on his face she knew what was coming next and she hated to shoot him down, but she felt like she had to even though she didn't want too.

"Castle, I know you're going to want to stay here with me tonight," she began.

"Don't you want me too?" he asked; a flicker of hurt seeping into his eyes.

"Yes, of course I do, but…"

"But, what?" he asked, "If you want me here than I'll stay. I'll take care of you."

"Rick," she started again, her tone soft. "I do want you here and this isn't me pushing you away, I swear. It's just that…I think my mom needs to be the one to take care of me tonight."

"But…"

She laid a finger against his lips, "Let me explain why," she told him and then she quietly told him about Johanna seeing her scars and the emotional conversation that they had.

"She blames herself," she stated, "For the shooting, for this, and I just think she needs to be the one to be here for me tonight and I can't take that from her. She needs to feel like she's my mom and that she's helping me."

Castle nodded, "I understand," he said, and he did, he could only imagine the upheaval Johanna's emotions had gone through in the aftermath of this accident and being confronted with the evidence of the shooting that led her on the journey home.

"You sure?" Kate asked.

"Yes," he assured. "You're right, she needs to be here for you tonight without anyone else stepping on her toes and I'm sure your Dad will be here."

She nodded, "And Gates has a unit on the building."

"Can I call and check in every so often?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "But you should probably call her. She'll have to stay up to keep waking me every so often and the medicine is probably going to make me groggy so you'll most likely have to talk to her for your updates."

"That's fine," he said, "As long as I can be kept in the loop."

She slid forward a bit more, "I'm going to give you the same speech I gave my mother," she stated as she reached out for him, "Don't squeeze too hard and I can withstand this."

He wrapped his arms around her waist, keeping away from her ribs as she embraced him. When she pulled back, she kissed him, needing the contact and proof that she was alright just as much as he did.

He kissed her once more and than she told him to call her parents back into the room. He made sure Johanna was alright with him calling to check in and then he said his goodbyes, leaving Kate in the capable hands of her mother.

* * *

As the evening wore on and her adrenalin crashed Kate began to feel the effects of the accident more severely. Her entire body ached as it reacted to the trauma she had been through and all she wanted was to sleep and forget about the whole thing.

Sleep, however, wasn't an easy thing to accomplish between the pain and the wait for medication to kick in once her mother coaxed her into taking it; and then of course there was the fact that her mother was being a diligent nurse and waking her every few hours to check the status of her concussion just as the doctor had instructed.

She was okay with this for awhile, but then once midnight had passed and the night seemed to become never ending, she began to get agitated. The rational side of her brain knew and understood that her mother had to keep waking her up, but unfortunately for Johanna, that side of Kate's brain was easily overruled by the side that advocated crankiness and the tendency to be a bad patient.

Johanna had sent Jim to bed hours before as she didn't feel there was any sense in both of them losing sleep and she was taking her daughter's surliness in stride, just as she took Castle's hourly phone calls to check in, in the same manner. By 4:00, she was glad he had called as Kate's latest wake up call hadn't gone over very well.

"How is she?" Castle asked when Johanna answered the call.

"Very cranky," she said with a sigh as she cast a glance at her daughter's angry looking expression.

He gave a light laugh on the other end of the line, "That's a good sign. I'd worry if she took these wake-up calls well."

She chuckled, "In that case, I'll take her crankiness as a sign that we're on the road to recovery."

"I'm glad you two can laugh," Kate stated testily.

"Oh," Castle said to Johanna, "That is major crankiness."

"Yes it is," she agreed, "Maybe you should talk to her for a while…see if you can do something about that."

"Alright, but keep in mind that I'm not a miracle worker."

"Here, Katie," Johanna said as she handed her the phone, "Talk to Rick, maybe that will make you feel better."

She took the phone from her mother's hand and said 'Hello'.

"Are you giving your mother a hard time?" Castle asked her.

"I wouldn't if she'd quit waking me up every five minutes," she retorted.

"It's not every five minutes," he heard Johanna say.

"Could've fooled me," she grumbled.

"You know she has to do it, Kate," he said gently.

"I know!" she exclaimed, "But it gets old after the first few times."

"I'm sure it does, but getting upset about it isn't going to help matters."

"I'm not upset."

"You're not?"

"No."

"Then I guess you're just doing a really good imitation of it," Castle lightly teased.

A small smile tugged at her lips, "Aren't you glad I sent you home?" she asked, her voice a bit softer.

"No," he told her honestly. "I'd rather be there with you, making sure you're fine but I understand that your mom needs to be the one to take care of you tonight, and I understand why you need to allow her to do that."

"Do you?" she asked, hoping he'd catch the meaning as she didn't want to say too much with her nurse hovering nearby.

"Yes," he stated, "I know you're not pushing me away."

"Good, because I'm not."

"I get it, Kate," he promised. "Don't worry about it."

"But I do worry about it," she said, the words slipping out without her permission.

"You don't need too," he replied, "I think we're in a better place now…a more stable place."

"Me too," she agreed.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," she sighed, "I ache and I'm tired but I'm fine."

"Don't be too hard on your nurse," he told her.

She began to laugh softly but the action caused her to gasp at the pain in her ribs that the action caused.

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

"Nothing," she said, "Except we can probably cross laughing off the list of things I can do right now."

"Sorry," he replied.

"It's fine," Kate told him, "She'll probably make me swallow another pill here soon anyway."

"Relax, Kate," Castle told her. "Just try and relax and everything will be okay. You'll be back to yourself before you know it."

"I hope so," she replied, "I need to get back to work."

"Work will wait," Johanna said in the background.

"Someone is definitely in mom mode," Castle remarked.

"Yeah," Kate agreed, "I don't stand a chance."

"She's going to walk all over you and make you cooperate," he teased.

"You're not making me feel better here, Castle," she retorted.

"I'll come over in the morning and kiss your boo-boos," he told her, "That will make you feel better."

She laughed and then regretted it as another twinge shot through her.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "I forgot that laughter is on the do-not list…although I don't think the topic of my kissing is a laughing matter. I take it very seriously, I'll have you know."

Kate grinned and felt her cheeks grow warm, "I know."

He laughed and she could imagine the boyish grin that was most likely on his lips.

"What about you, Detective? Do you take your kissing seriously?"

"I think you probably know the answer to that," she answered.

"All I know is that you're very, very good at it," he told her.

"You're not too bad yourself, Castle," Kate stated, not knowing any other way to answer that question while her mother was in the room with her.

"I know," he boasted playfully.

She rolled her eyes, "You're just so proud of yourself, aren't you?"

"What's not to be proud of?" he asked, "I mean really, I'm a masterpiece in every way possible."

She bit back a laugh, "You're not supposed to be making me laugh, Castle."

"Laugh?" he questioned, "I'm serious."

"Are you sure you didn't hit _your_ head today?" she asked.

"Positive," he stated, "You cornered the market on head injuries today…and by the way, don't do that anymore."

"It wasn't my idea to do it this time."

"I know," he said, "I just keep remembering that moment of horrified panic I felt when I looked at my phone and it said 'Johanna, four missed calls'."

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for. It's not your fault, Kate. Like your Dad said, the thought of you being hurt brings up bad memories."

"Yeah, I know, but let's not think about that," she said as a yawn escaped her lips.

"Getting sleepy?" he asked.

"Yes. You probably are too; I know you've been calling to check in every hour."

"I'm fine," he stated, "Making sure that you're fine is my priority. I'll catch up on sleep later, but I'll let you go so you can get some sleep, take it easy on your mom, she's just doing her job."

"I know," she replied, "Are you coming over in the morning?"

"What do you think?"

"See you later, Castle," she said with a soft smile.

"See you later," he replied, "Tell your mom to call me if you need anything."

"I will," she promised before they said goodbye and she ended the call.

"Feeling better?" Johanna asked as Kate handed the phone back to her.

"A little," she admitted.

"Good," her mother said.

"I'm sorry," Kate told her, "I…"

Johanna held up a hand to silence her, "You're hurt, and tired, Katie. I can overlook your crankiness…I've done it before."

She smiled, "Having flashbacks of my toddler days?" she quipped.

Johanna laughed, "Infancy, toddler, school age, pre-teen, teenager…"

"When you say it like that it sounds like I've been cranky most of my life," Kate remarked.

She shook her head, "No, you were a happy baby and a happy kid, the crankiness and the whining usually only came out during moments of illness or boredom…although I admit there were a few times when it felt like it may be a never ending mood for you."

"You've had your moments too," Kate told her.

"I know," Johanna said as she got up from her chair and moved to Kate's side to check her over once again.

"Still okay?" Kate asked.

"You're still okay," Johanna assured.

"Can I sleep?"

Her mother smiled, "For awhile."

Kate sighed deeply and then shifted into a more comfortable position. "I'll take what I can get."

* * *

She woke her again around 6:30 and then Kate found it impossible to go back to sleep, not that it would've mattered if she could, as the first knock at the door sounded at a little after seven. Her father went and answered it, allowing Lanie to sweep into the apartment.

"Well aren't you the picture of crankiness?" Lanie stated as she examined the expression on her best friends face as she sat huddled in the corner of the couch, her pillow against her sore left side.

"You could say that," Kate answered.

"Don't make the mistake I made and tell her good morning," Jim told Lanie.

"Are you being mean to your dad?" she asked her as she sat down beside her.

"No," she replied, "I just asked him what the hell was good about it."

Lanie glanced at Jim, "What did you say to that?"

"Nothing," he replied, "I was afraid to answer."

"Shame on you, Kate," Lanie said lightly as Johanna entered the room from the kitchen.

"There's the person you should feel sorry for," Jim stated.

"You being hard on your mama too?" she asked her.

"Only when she provokes me," Kate answered.

"Don't worry, Lanie," Johanna said, "I can take it."

"How'd she do through the night besides the crankiness?"

Johanna gave her a run down of how Kate had fared and when she had last taken her medication and then Lanie pulled the small light from her pocket.

"Lanie, don't shine that damn light in my eyes," Kate stated as her friend clicked the instrument on.

"Hey," Lanie said, "I skipped breakfast just to come over here and shine this damn light in your eyes, so you just cooperate."

Kate rolled her eyes, "Fine, but only because you asked so nicely."

Lanie smirked at her, "I'm glad this concussion hasn't affected your ability to be a smart ass."

"She gets that from her father," Johanna stated.

Jim shook his head, "Don't believe her, Lanie. She gets it from her."

"I'll just give you each fifty percent of the blame," she replied as she shined the light in Kate's eyes and examined her. "How about that?"

"That works," Johanna said lightly. "I'll make you breakfast, Lanie."

"You don't have to do that," she told her. "I'm not like Ryan and Esposito who come over here looking for a free hand out."

"Oh that's alright, I don't mind. I need to fix breakfast anyway and you may as well stay and eat."

"You may as well just agree," Kate told her as another knock came at the door. "She's not going to let you go to work without being fed."

Lanie smiled, "In that case I accept."

Jim opened the door and Castle told him good morning and then made his way to Kate's side.

"How are you?" he asked her.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck," she answered, "But other than that, I'm great."

"She's a little on the sarcastic side this morning, Rick," Johanna told him.

"Not the first time," Castle remarked as he looked to Lanie, "Is she doing okay?"

"She's doing fine."

"Where's my coffee?" Kate asked as she took note of Castle's empty hands.

"No coffee," Lanie and Johanna both declared simultaneously.

She looked at them in shock, "What do you mean no coffee?"

"The papers from the hospital said to avoid caffeine," Johanna explained. "That means no coffee."

"Are you serious?" she complained.

"Kate, caffeine is a stimulant and that's not a good for a concussion," Lanie told her, "You're going to have to do without it."

"Great," she said. "Just great. I can't sleep longer than two hours at a time, I can't work, I can't have coffee, what else?"

"It's okay," Johanna told her, "We'll let you keep Rick."

He grinned at her and she smiled weakly.

"I know what you're thinking," he said.

"Oh yeah? What?"

"You're thinking that you'd willingly trade me in for a cup of coffee."

She smiled, "That's not true…I was just wishing that the coffee came with you…like it usually does."

"As soon as you're better I'll get you all the coffee you want," he promised.

"Isn't that sweet," Lanie teased as Jim once again went to open the door once again.

"The gangs all here," he announced as Ryan and Esposito entered the apartment.

"Damn, Beckett," Esposito said, "You didn't look this bad when you and Castle took the car for a plunge in the river."

"What?" Johanna asked.

Kate glared at him, "I thought I told you that she was never to know about that?"

"Slipped out," he said sheepishly.

"Your car went into the river?" her asked.

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Kate replied.

"I got her out," Castle told her.

"I've heard that line before, Rick," Johanna told him.

"It's true every time I say it," he assured.

"When did this happen, Katie?" Jim asked somewhat sternly.

"Didn't I tell you?" she asked, knowing that she hadn't.

"Obviously not," he replied.

"It was several months ago," Ryan supplied, "But they weren't hurt."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jim asked.

"Because I was working on a case I couldn't discuss and I didn't want you to worry," she told him.

She watched as her parents shared a look and she glared at Esposito again.

"Sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to get you in trouble with your parents."

"That's alright," Kate replied, "It's just been that kind of week."

"We knew you'd want to get your report done so you can get a new car as soon as you get back so we brought you your paperwork," Ryan said as he held a folder out towards her.

"Good, I can get this done today," she said as she took it.

"No you won't," Johanna said as she snatched it from her hands. "No work means no work. All you'll be doing today is resting."

She sighed; it wouldn't do her any good to argue. Once Johanna had hidden the folder containing her work, she fixed breakfast and fed all of them and then sent them off to work with promises to call if anything was wrong. She then left the mess from breakfast sit while she left Kate in the care of Jim and Castle and went off to take a shower.

"Dad," Kate said sweetly as she eyed him, "Let me have a sip of your coffee."

"Your mother said no coffee," he replied.

"Who's going to tell her?" she asked. "I'm not. Castle, are you going to tell her if I have one sip of coffee?"

He shook his head, "I wasn't even here."

"See," she said, "She won't know. She's still in the shower, just one quick sip and I'll hand it back to you."

"My coffee's black, Katie, you don't like it that way," Jim replied.

"I don't care," she told him. "I'm desperate."

"No."

"One sip!" she exclaimed in a hushed voice. "One sip won't hurt."

"Your mother said no caffeine."

"I don't care what she said!" she retorted, "I'm the boss here."

Jim laughed, "You're not today."

She shifted her gaze to Castle and before she could say a word, he stated, "No comment."

She glared at him and then turned her attention back to her father. "Come on, Dad, you're not afraid of her, are you?"

He smiled at his daughter, "When it comes to her most prized possession, I try to toe the line. It would probably be easier for you to harass Rick into getting you some coffee."

"He's not going to break," Kate stated as she glanced at him. "Ryan's done put the word out that she's definitely worth fearing."

Jim looked to Castle and grinned, "Are you boys afraid of my wife."

"Only when she's in Mama Bear mode," he replied.

He laughed, "I don't blame you."

Kate decided it was time to play hard ball. "If you don't give me a sip of your coffee, I'm going to tell her about that time she was out of town when I was seven and you forgot to have someone pick me up at the house after school, and I was home all alone, and by the time you came home I was trying to cook dinner for myself."

"You already blackmailed me for that one," Jim stated. "I had to buy you a Happy Meal and a Game Boy to keep you from telling her when she called that night."

"So," Kate said, "You paid me to keep my mouth shut back then, this is now, and I will tell her."

"What makes you think she'll care?" he asked. "That was over twenty years ago."

"Oh she'll care," Kate stated, "It won't matter how long it's been once she knows you left her baby home alone for hours and that I was attempting to use the stove. She will rip you apart and we both know it."

Jim looked to Castle, "Can you believe she's trying to blackmail her father?"

He laughed, "She'd probably blackmail the Pope if she thought it would get her what she wanted."

"I don't doubt that," he replied.

"I just want one little sip," she complained. "Is that too much to ask?"

"It is when you're not supposed to have any," Jim told her.

"Don't you love me?" she asked him; a mischievous sparkle taking root in her eyes.

He nodded, "You know I do," he answered; "But the real question is; do I love you enough to face the wrath of your mother if she finds out?"

"You know you do," Kate stated with a smile and Castle laughed.

"You sure about that?" Jim asked.

"There's only one way to find out."

"Katie," he said with a sigh.

"I'm your little girl," she told him. "Don't you remember when I was little and I'd come running to you when you'd come home from work? I was always so happy to see you."

Castle couldn't help but laugh at the look on her face and the tone of her voice as she played her father in the same ways Alexis played him.

"I remember," Jim said as he smiled fondly at the memory. "It's been a long time since that's happened."

"I'm always happy to see you," she replied. "You're my favorite parent."

"She's pulling out all the stops, Jim," Castle said.

"This is all your fault, Rick. You're her caffeine enabler; you've got her to the point where she'll blackmail her father for a sip of black coffee."

"She had a caffeine addiction when I met her," he replied in his own defense. "You can't blame me."

"I think I can," he stated. "I think its grown worse since she started getting coffee deliveries from you."

"You just want to blame me because you're starting to cave…you want a scapegoat for when Johanna finds out."

"I'm not caving," Jim said.

"You better work harder," Castle said as he looked at Kate.

She grinned as she looked her father, "I love you, Daddy."

He laughed, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't do this to me."

"You know I adore you," Kate told him. "You're the best father I have."

"I'm the only father you have."

She shrugged, "Well then you don't have to worry about any competition."

He shook his held and then made the mistake of looking into those green eyes of hers, that held affection and amusement and he melted.

"You know, when you were born I thanked god for giving you your mother's eyes…now I wish you had gotten mine," he stated as he rose from his chair and walked towards her.

"Can't resist green eyes, Jim?" Castle teased.

He laughed, "Apparently they're my weakness."

Jim held his mug out towards her, "One sip, Katherine, and that's it."

"Thank you," she said with a smile as she reached for the mug.

"James Beckett!" Johanna's voice sounded from the edge of the living room.

"Damn," Kate muttered.

"Don't call me that," Jim said as he hurriedly pulled the mug away from their daughter and turned to face her. "You sound like my mother."

Johanna's jaw dropped and Kate's eyes widened.

"You're in trouble now, Dad," she said as Castle fought to keep from grinning.

"Did you really just say that?" Johanna asked as she narrowed her eyes at her husband.

He shook his head, "I didn't say anything. Whatever it is you think you heard was all in your imagination."

Her brow rose, "I don't think my imagination would insult me by implying I sound anything like your mother," she said as she snatched his coffee cup from him, "And I said she couldn't have any coffee, so what do you think you're doing?"

"She just wanted one sip," he replied.

"I don't care, I said none."

"It's not my fault," he replied, "She's like you, she doesn't play fair."

"I'll back him up on that one, Johanna," Castle said, "She did play him like a finely tuned piano."

"You're just as guilty," Johanna told him, "You were going to sit there and let her do it, knowing she's not supposed to have it. I even sent you a message this morning telling _you _not to bring her any coffee and then you sit and watch while she tries to drink her father's."

"Since when do you take orders from my mother?" Kate asked, "You barely listen to me."

"She's slightly more scary then you," he replied and then to save himself he decided to throw Jim back under the bus. "But really you can't blame me if Jim can't say no to his little girl."

Johanna shifted her gaze back to her husband, "And what card did little Katie Beckett play this time?"

Jim laughed, "She said I was her favorite parent."

She smirked, "You're still falling for that one, huh?"

"Personally," Castle spoke up, "I think it was the 'I love you daddy' that brought home the win for her."

"Oh," Johanna said as she glanced at her daughter, "You really did pull out the big guns didn't you."

Kate shrugged, "It's not like it's a lie."

"I know it's not a lie," Johanna said, "Bit it's all in the presentation and I can just imagine how you spun that phrase."

"It's your fault, Johanna," Jim said, "She has your eyes…how can resist that? When was I ever able to say no to you?"

"Plenty of times," Johanna informed him.

"When she wanted to go to the theater," Kate remarked.

"Don't go there," her mother said, "I promised he'd never hear that word again."

"Just relax, Jo," he said, "You got here before she could even get the mug out of my hands."

"Yeah," Kate said, "Don't be so cranky."

"Yeah," Castle said, "We might have to start calling you Nurse Ratchet instead of Florence Nightingale."

Johanna shot them both a glare, "Don't make me put you out of here, Rick," she told him, a slight hint of amusement noticeable in her tone before she turned her focus to Kate. "And you should be ashamed of yourself. You know you have these two wrapped around your finger and they'll do anything you ask."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Kate replied, an easy smile gracing her lips.

"It is when they give in to you after I tell them not to," Johanna remarked as she carried Jim's cup of coffee towards the kitchen.

"Where are you taking my coffee?" he asked.

"I'm dumping it out," she replied, "You can't be trusted so you don't get coffee either."

"See what you did," Jim said to Kate.

She shrugged, "Why should I be the only one to suffer."

"Blame yourself," Johanna yelled from the kitchen.

"Look what you did;" Kate told him, "You got her riled."

"I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for you," he teased.

"It's both of your faults," Johanna said as she came back into the room.

Jim smiled at her, his eyes full of amusement and she had to force herself to bite back a smile of her own.

He turned towards Castle, "Rick are you going to be here for awhile?"

"Yeah," he answered, "Why?"

"Well I figure if you're here to look after my girls, I can home and change clothes…and give mommy Beckett there time to cool off."

His wife swatted him playfully as Castle laughed and Kate tried to restrain from the urge to do the same. Her ribs were starting to hurt again and her head had a dull ache.

"Go ahead, Jim," Castle told him, "I'll hold down the fort while you're gone."

He nodded at him in thanks and then he stepped back towards his daughter and gently kissed the top of her head, before turning to his wife.

"You want to kiss me goodbye?" he asked.

Johanna narrowed her eyes at him, "After you insulted me and defied my orders? I don't think I do."

"I didn't insult you," he said with a laugh, "It's not so bad if you had a moment where you sounded like my mother. I think she secretly liked you."

"Right," she scoffed.

"That must be why she called her a slut," Kate commented.

Jim looked at Johanna, "You're just telling her everything, aren't you?" he teased.

"I figured she was old enough to hear the big girl version of my life story."

"What time is story hour?" Castle asked, "I'll clear my schedule and be here for that."

"Sorry, Rick," she teased, "Story hour is for girls only."

"But if you want to wear a dress," Kate said, "We might make an exception."

"I'll pass," he replied.

Jim took the opportunity of Johanna's distraction and moved closer to her, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her close. She caught on to what he was doing and her gaze locked on his. "I haven't changed my mind," she said in amusement.

"Yes you have," he replied. "I can tell."

"No you…" she began to say only to be cut off by his kiss.

"See," he said when he pulled away, "I told you that you changed your mind."

She gave him a small shove, a smile spreading across her lips without consent, "You just go home," she told him, "And don't come back until you learn how to behave."

"I can't stay away that long," he told her as she walked him to the door, "You'll just have to take me as is."

"Just like always," she quipped, laughing at his expression as she made the statement.

Castle looked to Kate, "Have I ever told you how entertaining it is to spend time with your parents?"

She smiled, "I'm glad they amuse you, Castle, how about you take them home with you later and keep them for awhile."

He shook his head, "That's okay. I'll just visit you and watch the Beckett show here."

Kate leaned her head against his shoulder, as her parents spoke in soft voices at the door. He wrapped an arm around her, allowing her to settle against his side as he too watched the people across the room.

He had a feeling that he and Jim had the same agendas regarding the women in their lives; stay close, watch over them, keep them laughing, their minds occupied with conversations that had nothing to do with the case and the new heightened state of alertness that they were all feeling. Even from across the room he could see the worry that laid in Jim's eyes as his glance flicked back and forth between his wife and his daughter. He could easily tell that the worry was mingled with feelings of helplessness, and he was certain that those feelings were probably just as easily read in his own eyes.

Finally, Jim pressed one last kiss against his wife's lips and then turned his gaze back to Castle. "Take care of them, Rick."

"Don't worry," he told him seriously, "I'm on the job."

Jim nodded and then he opened the door and stepped outside, needlessly instructing Johanna to lock it behind him.

She locked the door and then her gaze flicked to her daughter. She could tell she was hurting and she went to the kitchen and got her a glass of juice and her medicine and brought it back to her.

"I don't want it," Kate said as she held out the pain pills to her.

"Katie, don't argue," Johanna stated, fatigue present in her own voice.

"I'm here, Kate," Castle told her, squeezing her shoulder lightly, "I'll look after things. You take your medicine and then lay down and try to sleep for awhile."

"What's the point?" she muttered as she took the pills and the glass from her mother's hands, "Florence Nightingale, as you call her, will just keep waking me up."

"I'll let you sleep a little longer now that Lanie's checked you," Johanna said.

"Go on," Castle said softly after she swallowed the pills and handed her glass back to her mother, "Lay down and rest."

She reluctantly slipped away from his embrace and shifted back into place against her pillow as he rose from the sofa so she could stretch her legs out. Satisfied that Kate was going to listen, Johanna retreated back to the kitchen to clean up, leaving Castle to watch over her.

"Wake me if something seems off," she whispered to him.

"I will."

"Look after her," she told him, "See if you can talk her into taking a nap."

"I'll take care of your mother," he promised as he draped a light weight blanket over her and then brushed a kiss against her forehead.

"Tucking me in?" she asked with a sleepy smile.

He grinned, "You want a bed time story?" he asked as he perched on the edge of the coffee table.

"No," she whispered as she slipped her hand out from beneath the blanket, "But I wouldn't mind if you held my hand."

He took her hand, wrapping his fingers around it and holding it tightly. She was holding it together for her parents, her mother in particular, but he could tell that she was shaken, that despite her strength fear lingered inside and she needed to feel safe. His heart warmed at the thought that she had chosen him to give her security.

He watched as her eyes grew heavier and heavier and with his free hand he gently brushed his fingertips back and forth across her forehead in a soothing motion. She finally fell asleep, but he kept hold of her hand for awhile longer until Johanna came back into the room.

"She's out," he told her quietly.

She nodded, rubbing the back of her neck as she sat down in one of the chairs.

"Why don't you try and get some sleep too," he suggested, "I'll look after her."

Johanna shook her head, "I'm fine."

"Don't you trust me?" he asked lightly.

She smiled tiredly, "I trust you, Rick,…I'm just not ready to hand over the reins yet."

He smiled back at her. He could see how the next several days were going to go; he and Johanna would be quietly battling each other for the role of caretaker. He understood her need to do the job, just as he was sure that she understood his need to do it, the problem was however, that unlike him, he didn't think his opponent was willing to share…at least not yet, but that didn't mean he was going anywhere and with that thought in mind he moved to the other chair and staked his claim. He'd be there as much as possible until she was better, and he'd be sleeping with his phone in his hand at nights, just in case she called needing him, because he knew Jim would insist on staying and taking the nightshift.

* * *

Two nights later, Kate was up pacing the floors, her bruised ribs throbbing as she had accidentally rolled onto her left side while asleep. She was near tears, as it hurt to breathe too deeply and she was reluctant to take the pain pills.

"Katie, what's wrong?" her mother's voice asked quietly as she appeared in the living room.

"I keep rolling onto my left side," she told her, trying to bite back her tears.

"Have you taken anything for the pain?" Johanna asked her.

"No. I thought maybe if I just walked a bit it would ease up."

"You need to take something," her mother told her.

"I'll be okay. I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," Johanna told her. "And even if you did I wouldn't care. You need sleep more than I do right now."

Kate scoffed, "I don't think I'm going to be getting much sleep; not if I can't stay off my side."

"Maybe you should try sleeping on the couch," Johanna suggested, "It would probably be easier for you to stay off your side that way."

Kate nodded, "You're probably right."

"I'll fix it for you," her mother said, "But first let's go into the kitchen and get you something for the pain."

She shook her head, "I hate taking that stuff. It makes me too sleepy and I don't like how it makes me feel."

"Kate, you need to rest so you'll heal," Johanna told her as she took hold of her elbow and steered her into the kitchen.

"But it keeps me from being as alert as I like to be."

"Your father's here," she told her, "I'm here and believe me, when I do drift off for a few minutes, I'm sleeping lightly. There's a car in front of the building and it wouldn't surprise me if Ryan and Esposito were out there somewhere too. You can rest, everything will be okay."

"I don't…"

"Just take one pill, Katie," Johanna instructed, "Take one instead of two; that should take the edge off and keep you a little more alert, okay? Do it for me," she said, "I don't like to see you in pain."

"Really?" Kate asked, "You're going to pull the guilt card on me?"

She nodded, "If I have too."

Her ribs were excruciating and then there was that look on her mother's face that spoke of worry and the fact that she blamed herself, and Kate felt herself cave.

"Okay," she said quietly, "Just one."

Johanna poured her a glass of water and then opened the prescription bottle and took out a pill and gave it to her.

"Sit here at the table and I'll go fix the couch for you and then we'll put some ice packs on your ribs that should help until the medicine kicks in."

She was so tired and hurt so much that she just gave in and accepted her mother's rule. She allowed her to direct her to a chair and then her mother bustled off to fix up the sofa for her. When Johanna was finished she came back for her and helped her stand and then walked her to the sofa and held onto her as she lowered herself down.

"You okay?" Johanna asked as Kate paused before attempting to lay down.

"Yeah," she answered, "Just trying to move slowly."

Johanna helped her shift around so she could lie down and then she sat down on the edge of the couch at her side and carefully lifted Kate's t-shirt to expose her bruised side. She winced as she took in the sight of the large black and purple bruises that littered her daughter's ribs.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Kate said as she caught the expression on her mother's eyes.

Johanna looked at her in disbelief and Kate managed a small smile for her. "Okay, so it is as bad as it looks…but it's not your fault."

"We're not going to agree on that, Katie," Johanna answered, "So there's no sense in arguing about it, especially at the moment when you're hurting so much."

Kate grabbed her mother's wrist as she rose from her place next to her. "I don't blame you," she told her, looking her in the eye as she said the words.

"But I do," Johanna stated and then she carefully removed her wrist from Kate's grip and went off to get the ice packs from the freezer.

She was back moments later, her raw emotions shoved aside as she set about tending to her daughter. She laid a thin dishtowel across the bruised area and then caught Kate's gaze.

You ready?" she asked as she picked up one of the ice packs.

"Yeah," she answered, "Go ahead."

Carefully, Johanna laid the ice pack against the top portion of the bruise and Kate did her best not to flinch from the sensation of coldness as it seeped through the towel.

"Okay?" Johanna asked.

She nodded, "I'm fine."

Kate watched as her mother exercised caution once again in placing the second ice pack on the rest of the bruised area and she was hit with a sudden well of emotion.

Her mother had been sacrificing her sleep for the past two days to tend to her; doling out her medication, periodically checking her for signs that the concussion wasn't growing worse, and making every effort to make her as comfortable as possible. She didn't have to; she could've stepped back and allowed everyone else to swoop in and care for her but she didn't. Things had steadily grown better between them, and the talk they had when she saw her scars had given them a shove forward in the area of progress; but that step in the right direction also served to remind Kate of the harshness she had treated her mother with when she first came home and then when she moved in with her. Her mother had taken everything she had thrown at her, she took the emotional punches, the distance, her anger; her silence and then as things progressed she had taken only what she offered her and made herself content with that, being cautious not to push too much or ask for more. It couldn't have been easy for her, Kate thought; and now as she watched her tend to her with the same loving care she always had in the past, she felt remorse.

It was a feeling she hadn't expected; it wasn't one she thought she'd ever have in regards to their situation, but there it was, rising to the surface, and kicking beneath her skin, begging to be released and yet she held it back for the moment as she analyzed why it was there and why she was feeling it now; and within moments the answer became clear to her. Maybe she had been so busy concentrating on her own feelings that she hadn't taken into consideration the pain her mother must've lived with and endured for thirteen years. Maybe she hadn't allowed herself to truly look deep into her mother's eyes and see the hurt and guilt and anguish; the scars that littered her soul. Johanna Beckett had been through hell too, and she'd made it to the other side, just as she herself had and they were standing there together on the border of yesterday and tomorrow, looking back at the wreckage of their lives, trying to pick up pieces and move forward, hoping for something better than what they were living with in the present.

She'd been so harsh. She never even took a moment to tell her that she was relieved and grateful that she was alive, and she wondered, not for the first time, how her mother could take everything she had dished out and not lose an ounce of love for her. How could she keep giving so much to her, guiding her, taking care of her, when she hadn't even given her a few words that told her how glad she was that she was no longer a daughter without a mother.

Kate closed her eyes as she tried to hold back tears, but a few broke free and slipped down her cheeks. She felt a soft hand at her face, wiping them away and she leaned into the feel of it.

"Does it hurt that badly, Katie?" her mother asked with concern, "Do you need to go to the doctor? Do you want me to call Lanie?"

She shook her head, "No, it's not that."

"What is it?" she asked softly as she brushed a stray lock of hair back from Kate's face.

"You don't have to take care of me," she replied, a soft cry escaping from her throat, causing her to wince at the twinge it elicited in her ribs.

She saw a flash of hurt in Johanna's eyes and she knew that her mother had misunderstood.

"Who do you want me to call?" she asked, feeling her own emotions rising to the surface.

"No one," she replied.

"Someone has to take care of you," Johanna told her, "If you don't want me to do it than tell me who you want and I'll get them for you. Do you want your father?"

"No," Kate told her, "I want you. I want my mother."

Johanna looked at her, her tired eyes conveying her confusion, "But…"

"I just meant that you don't have to take care of me if you don't want to," she explained, "I wouldn't blame you."

"You're my daughter," Johanna stated, "Why wouldn't I want to take care of you? That's what being a mother is all about, loving your child and taking care of them when they need you, and sometimes when they don't."

"But I haven't been good to you," she cried softly. "You came home for me and I treated you…"

"No," Johanna stated firmly, "No, you don't go feeling badly about that. You acted the way you're supposed to. I hurt you and you're angry and I understand that and it's more than justified."

"But I…I don't want you to think that I'm not glad that you're here…that you're okay."

"Honey, I know that," she said softly, "I'm not angry with you about any of that. I didn't allow myself to think about what I was going to walk into, about how you and your father would react. All I could think about was getting here and being with the two of you. In hindsight I knew better than to think it could be so easy, but I don't begrudge your reactions. I can't lie and say I wasn't hurt, because I was but I understand; I'm sure I would've reacted the same way you did if I had been in your shoes and I know that you've been giving me as much of yourself as you can give right now and I appreciate that, and I cherish it because you don't owe me a damn thing, Katie."

"But I'm sorry…for some of it," she told her; not knowing why she needed to get that off her chest so badly when she hadn't even realized that it had been bothering her until now.

"You don't have to apologize to me," Johanna told her, "I'm the one who's supposed to do the apologizing here."

"You always told me that it was polite to take turns," Kate told her. "And you already took your turn."

She smiled softly, "If you're looking for forgiveness, Katie, you should know that you already have it. I could never hold any of that against you. Things are better between us now and that's all that matters, although even if they weren't I'd still tell you the same thing."

"But I just…I just wanted you to know that despite everything, I'm glad you're home."

Johanna nodded, a feeling of relief spreading across her heart. "I'm glad to be home too," she told her as she wiped away Kate's tears. "Now you rest," she told her, "No more tears, they'll only make you hurt worse. We don't have to talk about it anymore right now. I think we've made enough peace with each other to be able to let it rest for now. We can hash it all out one day when the madness is gone and we're more able to cope with it. Right now let's just concentrate on getting you well."

Kate gave her a shaky smile. Her mother was giving her an out and she would take it, because she didn't want to delve any further into the topic at the moment, and she didn't think her mother was feeling strong enough for it either. One day they'd sit down and talk about all of it; but for now, she felt that Johanna was right. They each had gotten something off their chests and there had been enough peace made to guide them through whatever was to come.

Johanna made sure Kate was comfortable and then she settled down in the chair and clicked on the television. She flipped the channels for a few minutes until she landed on a re-run of 'Bewitched'.

"Do you still like this?" she asked Kate; hoping to find something that would take her mind off the pain.

She smiled, "Yeah, I still like all of these old shows."

"Me too," her mother replied as she laid the remote aside.

"I guess you probably watched all of these shows when they originally aired," Kate stated.

Her mother shot her a playful glare, "Is that a thinly veiled crack about my age, Katherine?"

She grinned, biting back the urge to laugh in deference to her throbbing ribs. "It wasn't meant to be one," she replied; "But I guess now that you mention it…"

"Watch it," Johanna retorted; her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Hey it's not my fault you were born the same year 'I Love Lucy' hit the airwaves. Blame your mother."

Johanna laughed, "Don't go thinking you're so smart," she responded, "Mash was still on the air when you were born."

"I like that show," Kate replied, "And besides it isn't as old as the shows you grew up on. You've saw a lot of television in your time. I mean think about it," she teased.

"Alright," Johanna laughed, "That's enough out of you."

"Is it?"

"Yes," her mother replied, "And just let me remind you that your father is older than me so if you want to imply that someone is old, you should save it for him."

"You want to remind me that he's older so you can feel better about yourself," she replied playfully.

"There's no law against that," Johanna said.

"None at all," Kate agreed.

They were quiet for awhile as they watched Elizabeth Montgomery twitch her nose and avoid catastrophe. A memory from childhood pushed forward in Kate's mind and she shifted her gaze towards her mother.

"Do you remember in the summer time when I was a kid; we'd stay up late on Saturdays and watch these old shows together."

Johanna smiled fondly, "I remember," she replied. "Sometimes we'd play games while we watched the marathons that one channel always had."

"And you'd make a big bowl of popcorn," Kate remembered, "And cherry kool-aid."

She nodded, "And you always wanted to drink it out of a wine glass so you'd feel grown up and sophisticated."

"Sometimes you'd let me," Kate said with a grin.

Johanna laughed, "I know, and then I'd worry that someone would look in the window and think I was letting you drink."

She chuckled lightly despite her best efforts not to and she felt a twinge shoot through her but she ignored it and pushed the conversation forward, needing the distraction.

"Sometimes Dad would stay up with us if it was a show he liked."

"He's pickier about what he watches than we are."

"I know," she said and after a moment she added, "Those were fun times though…I always liked those nights when I got to stay up late with you."

"Those are some of my favorite memories too," Johanna replied softly.

Silence fell again and she watched as Kate shifted into a more comfortable position.

"How are you feeling?" she asked her.

"I think it's starting to let up some," Kate told her. "Keep talking to me; it keeps my mind off of it."

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked her.

"I don't know," she admitted; thinking that she needed a light conversation that didn't require much concentration, like the one they'd been having.

"What were Grandma's favorite shows?" she asked.

"My mother?" Johanna asked for clarification.

"Yeah."

"My mom loved the soaps," Johanna told her; "But you probably remember that."

She nodded, as she did recall her grandmother being a fan of soap operas, but she couldn't remember which ones.

"Did she watch Temptation Lane?" she asked.

"Yes, but that wasn't her favorite. My mother was a huge fan of All My Children."

"Really?" Kate said with a quiet laugh.

"Oh yes," Johanna stated, "She loved Susan Lucci as Erica Kane. She even told me that if that show had been on the air when I was born, she would've named me Erica."

"I can't imagine you being named Erica," Kate replied.

Her mother laughed, "At the time I recall wishing that the show had been on at the time of my birth; I would've rather been an Erica than a Johanna."

"Maybe you're an 'Erica' in spirit," Kate teased, "I think you've had a few Erica Kane moments in your life."

"I have not," she replied in amusement, "Although I admit to admiring the character."

"I knew it," Kate said.

"Hey, you like her too, don't deny it," Johanna told her. "We watched our share of episodes together, I know."

"Okay," Kate replied, "Guilty as charged," she admitted and then turned the topic back to her grandmother. "I remember that Grandma loved Dallas."

Johanna nodded, "Yes, that was her all time favorite, and you didn't dare try to call her when it was on, and if you did, you better have a damn good reason or she was going to be ticked. I didn't think she was going to make it through that whole 'Who shot JR' saga."

"Was she caught up in the frenzy?"

"She couldn't stand it," Johanna said, "And there was some sort of strike at the time so it was a long time before the answer was revealed and it just drove her crazy until she knew who did it."

Kate laughed softly, "She would've gotten along good with Castle."

"I have no doubt that she would've loved Rick," her mother replied.

"What did Grandpa watch?"

"He loved Perry Mason," Johanna answered; "And cop shows. My dad loved anything that had to do with cops. I don't know if you've ever seen some of the shows he watched, but I remember he liked Dragnet and Adam-12 and SWAT. Later on he liked Hill Street Blues; but really he'd watch anything that had to do with cops and lawyers."

Kate was quiet for a moment as she thought about that statement as she watched her mother rub her fingers across that emerald ring on her right hand.

"What do you think he'd think of me being a cop?" she asked.

That was a hard question, Johanna thought to herself. On one hand she thought that knowing Frank McKenzie he wouldn't have approved of his granddaughter being a cop. It was possible that he would've found that an unsuitable career choice for a woman and would've told her exactly what he thought of her decision. But on the other hand, Frank had loved Kate with a depth that she hadn't thought him capable of having and that love might have led him to be proud of her and the choice she had made. There wasn't a clear cut answer, but she knew the one she would give her. She'd give her the one she deserved to hear.

"He'd be so proud of you," Johanna told her.

"You think so?"

"Yes. He loved you very much, Katie."

There was a question lingering in the back of her mind, one she debated about bringing up but finally she caught her mother's eye and allowed it to be asked.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about Grandpa?"

Johanna held her gaze, "Tell you what?"

"How bad it was for you," Kate said quietly, "How he treated you."

She dropped her gaze and rubbed her fingers across the emerald stone in her ring. "Who told you?" she asked; wondering if Rick had gone back on his word after that conversation they had when she had told him a little about her father.

"Dad told me," she answered.

"Why?"

"Because we were talking one day and your dad came up in the conversation and I asked him why he never seemed to like him and he told me."

"He shouldn't have."

"Why?" Kate asked, "Looking back at some of the things I remember, I realize that things were obviously tense between the two of you but you had never really told me anything about it. You'd never say much when I'd ask about your relationship with him."

"There's a reason for that," Johanna said; her tone void of the lightness it had held earlier.

"What?"

"I didn't want you to know," she stated.

"But why?"

"Because you loved him and I didn't want to diminish him in your eyes. He was a wonderful grandfather to you and that was all that mattered."

"That's not all that matters," Kate responded. "Obviously something was wrong between the two of you. What was it?"

"I don't know. I guess he just didn't care for me."

"You were his daughter; how could he not care for you?"

"Kate," Johanna said; her voice low but firm, "I don't want to talk about this. I…I just can't go there right now and I'm not going to. I'm not going to have this conversation tonight."

"Can we have that conversation one day?" she asked her.

Johanna shrugged, "If your father already told you about it than there probably isn't anything left to say about it."

"I haven't heard you tell it," Kate stated. "You lived it; I want to hear your story."

"It's not a good bedtime story, Katie," she replied. "Change the subject."

She allowed the topic to drop as silence descended between them. Obviously her mother still had secrets; there were still parts of her life that were unknown to her; and she wanted to know. Perhaps knowing and understanding her mother would lead to a greater understanding of herself. Her gaze flicked back to her mother's face and she studied her expression as she continued to play with her ring. Maybe she had never realized before that her mother had her own demons that she wrestled with. Maybe there was something more to Johanna McKenzie Beckett than met the eye; something more than being the mother of Kate; the wife of Jim, the lawyer who care about truth and justice.

Maybe she still had a lot to learn, Kate thought to herself.

"I didn't mean to upset you," she said to Johanna.

Her mother seemed to shake off whatever it was that she was thinking about and she smiled softly. "You didn't. It's just not something that's easy to talk about, especially right now, with you being hurt and my heart being twisted into a million little knots because of it. It's a topic better left for another time."

She nodded as she read between the lines. Johanna couldn't talk about it now because she was wrestling with her own feelings of failure as a parent, and because her emotions were already stirred up enough. She needed to have control of herself when she talked about her father, she needed to be able to detach herself from it and Kate couldn't judge her for that, how could she when she was the same way. She still had secrets of her own, things that she still wasn't ready to talk about, feelings she still wasn't quite able to vocalize.

They settled into silence, allowing the television to provide their distraction, although Johanna kept a steady vigil on her daughter from the corner of her eye. She knew the pain medicine was kicking in as Kate's eyes were beginning to flutter rapidly and she was shifting around as if she were trying to find a more comfortable spot.

"What are you trying to do, Katie?" she asked quietly.

"I want on my side," she replied sleepily, "But I don't want to twist too much and I don't want to take the ice off yet."

Johanna rose from her seat and went to her. She lifted the ice packs from the bruised area and set them aside for the moment. She slid her hand behind Kate's back.

"Sit up," she told her.

Kate slowly sat up with her mother's help and then looked at her for further instruction.

"Now shift your weight to your right hip and then lay down," she told her.

She followed her instructions and managed to turn on her side as she wanted with barely any discomfort and then when she was settled, Johanna rearranged the towel and resituated the ice packs so they'd stay in place.

"Try and sleep now, Katie," Johanna said softly as she ran her hand over Kate's hair.

She nodded and allowed her eyes to close as waves of sleepiness washed over her. Once she was asleep, Johanna moved back to the chair and settled in for the rest of the night; intent on watching over her daughter once again.

* * *

Jim rolled over, and in his sleep he reached for his wife, but his hand came in contact with empty space instead of the warm figure he had been seeking. He jerked awake, a brief flicker of panic swimming through him as his disoriented mind feared that she was gone…as she had been for thirteen years. The haze cleared, allowing him to realize that he was in Kate's guest room, and that the sheets smelled of Johanna's perfume and soap. His eyes scanned the room for her, but she wasn't in sight. He glanced at the clock, it read 4:07. He threw back the covers and got out of bed, intent on finding her.

He opened the bedroom door and stepped into the hallway; his eyes straying across towards Kate's open doorway. His daughter was absent from her bed too. He made his way up the hallway; the light from the living room guiding him, wondering what it was that had dragged his girls from their beds. Was it insomnia? Was something wrong, and they had refrained from sharing it with him? He breathed a small sigh of relief as he entered the room. Kate appeared to be asleep on the couch and the back of Johanna's head was visible in the chair. He moved forward quietly, taking care not to disturb his daughter. He rounded the chair, his sudden presence startling Johanna and causing her to jump.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he whispered as he reached out and brushed his fingers against her cheek.

"It's alright," she replied. "What are you doing up?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"I asked you first," she replied; a hint of teasing in her voice.

Jim smiled, "I was looking for you. I rolled over and you weren't there."

"Sorry," she replied; as she hadn't thought he'd notice her absence. "I heard Katie up moving around and I got up to see what was wrong."

"When was that?"

"About 1:30," she answered. "She couldn't sleep, she kept rolling onto her side and it had her ribs hurting pretty badly."

"Did you make her take the pain medicine?"

"She didn't want to but we compromised and I managed to get one pill in her."

"How long has she been asleep now?"

"Since three."

"Then she'd probably settled for the rest of the night," Jim said as he glanced at Kate and then back to Johanna. "Why don't you come on back to bed and try to sleep a little more?"

She shook her head, "No, I'll stay here with her," she told him. "In case she needs me."

"She can always come knock on the door," he replied.

Johanna glanced up at her husband with a skeptical look, "But she won't," she stated, "Just like if I hadn't heard her, she'd still be walking the floors thinking she could will the pain away without any help."

"You can't stay up all night long every night, Jo."

"Who said I was?"

He smiled indulgently, "I know how you are when it comes to your baby…even if she is all grown up."

She reached for his hand and took it, "I'd stay up with you all night if you needed me."

"I know you would," he replied. "But you need your rest too."

"I'm fine," she assured. "I'll catch up on my sleep when she's feeling better."

"You know, I could stay up with her if she needs someone," Jim stated, "Or one phone call and Rick would come running to take over for awhile."

She sighed, "It's not bad enough that she needs a whole team looking after her," she remarked. "I'll suffice."

He smiled at her, his eyes shining with a touch of amusement. "I think you're being stubborn."

"Me?" she asked with a teasing grin, "When have you ever known me to be stubborn, Jim Beckett?"

He chuckled softly and then leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss. "Only every day since the day I met you," he answered.

Johanna smiled coyly, "I wasn't stubborn that day."

"Alright, I'll give you that one," he replied with a grin, "But you were sassy; that's how you ended up with your nickname."

She laughed, "Jeff enjoyed that little show, didn't he?"

"He enjoyed the whole fiasco of our relationship back then."

"You know, I've always wished that I had been born Jeff's sister instead of Frankie's," she stated. "Jeff always treated me better than my own brother did."

He brushed the backs of his fingers along her cheek once again, "In Jeff's mind, you are his sister; the lack of blood relation doesn't matter to him."

She was quiet for a moment as she thought about her old friend. "Do you think he'll forgive me?" she asked quietly.

Jim wanted so badly to tell her that Jeff knew she was alive; to let her know that he was the one person who hadn't shown feelings of anger and betrayal once the news had been broken, but he couldn't, not right now anyway. Not with Kate asleep on the sofa. All he needed was for her to wake up while he was confessing to Johanna that his best friend knew their secret. He'd have to keep that knowledge from his wife for awhile longer.

"I don't think you need to worry," he told her instead.

"You don't?"

He shook his head, "No. I think he's missed you as much as the rest of us."

"I miss him too."

"You know how Jeff is," Jim said, "He's pretty understanding with the people who mean the most to him…with the exception of his ex-wife that is."

She smiled, "I hope you're right."

"When have I ever been wrong?" he teased.

"Oh I can think of a few times if you really want me too," she replied.

"That's alright, I'll pass."

"That's what I thought."

He tugged on her hand, "Come on, come back to bed with me."

Johanna shook her head, "No, I'm staying put. You go on, you have your job to finish up tomorrow…or I guess I should say today."

"I can get out of it," he replied, "I can stay up and keep you company."

She smiled at him, "No, you go finish your work. We'll be fine."

"See what I mean," he said, bending down to steal another kiss. "Stubborn."

"You wouldn't want me any other way," she informed him.

"At the moment I might prefer you to be a little more docile."

"Docile is boring," she told him as he gave up and began his retreat back to the bedroom.

"I think boring might be nice for a change," he replied before disappearing from sight.

Johanna glanced at her sleeping daughter and then down at her hands. She knew Jim hadn't meant anything by that comment other than that boring would be nice in light of the situation they were in now, but still it pricked her tender feelings and played on her sensitivities and she forced herself to blink back the tears that welled in her eyes. She had to hold it together, she had promised Kate that she would and she wouldn't let her down.

* * *

The next afternoon, Kate sat on the sofa, trying to be as quiet as possible. Johanna had fallen asleep in the chair an hour before; her glasses still perched on her nose and her book in her hand. She knew her mother was exhausted from her nightly vigils and caretaking and she was reluctant to do anything that would disturb her sleep. Her mother's nap time however served to bring home the fact that she was bored…very very bored.

She sighed and reached over the arm of the sofa for the remote which was lying on the end stand. She thought she had a grip on it but it fell from her fingers, smacking off the surface of the stand and clattering to the floor between the sofa and the stand. She froze, her gaze straying to Johanna. She hadn't even flinched. She was grateful for that, but now she had another problem, the remote had landed towards the back of the area between the two pieces of furniture and she wasn't going to be able to get it without twisting or lying over the arm of the sofa. She frowned; neither of those actions would do her ribs any good, the remote would have to stay where it was until her mother woke up.

She cautiously and quietly rose from the sofa, the thought of aggravating her ribs reminding her of the dull ache that was making a nuisance of itself. She went into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Advil from the counter, only to be confronted with another problem. With her wrist wrapped to avoid further injury, she couldn't grasp the bottle the right way so she could twist the cap with her other hand; and she couldn't twist the cap well enough if she switched hands to have a better grip. Kate sighed and set the bottle aside. It wasn't that bad, she could deal with it for awhile. She moved back to the living room, taking a moment to observe her mother before she slowly made her way towards her.

Carefully she lifted Johanna's glasses from her face, and then after waiting a moment to see if the action would wake her, she gently removed the book from her hand and marked her page. She laid the book and her glasses on the coffee table and turned her attention back to her once again. She couldn't be comfortable, sleeping in that chair. She'd rest better in her bed but she was reluctant to wake her and suggest that she move. She knew that once Johanna's green eyes opened, that would be the end of it; she'd force herself to stay awake just to keep an eye on her. Kate stepped away from her, letting her be as she didn't have a solution to the problem. If her father had been there, he would've scooped her up and carried her to her bed, but she was sure that her mother would be awake long before he arrived.

Suddenly a thought flicked through her mind and she smiled. She had a solution to her mother's sleeping arrangements and a solution for her boredom. She grabbed her phone from the stand and quietly crept past her mother and made her way to her bedroom, where she shut the door and took a seat on the bed. He was supposed to be writing but she knew he wouldn't mind her distracting him. She hit one on the speed dial and waited for Castle to answer.

"You okay?" he asked as soon as he answered.

"I'm as fine as I can be," she replied. "I have a question for you."

"And what may that be?" he asked lightly.

"You're strong, aren't you?" Kate asked.

He was quiet for a moment. "What do you want moved?"

She laughed, and then groaned as the action hurt her.

"Don't laugh, Kate," he said, his voice betraying that he was smiling, despite how seriously he took her injuries. "It'll hurt."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Castle," she replied as a smile tugged at her own lips.

"Wasn't there a movie or a book or something that was called 'It Only Hurts When I Laugh?" he asked.

"It sounds familiar," she replied, "And who ever wrote that line, lied. It hurts with and without laughter."

"So what do you need moved today, Kate?" he asked again.

"My mother," she answered.

"Is she driving you crazy?"

"No," she replied, wisely refraining from laughing. "She fell asleep in the chair."

"And?"

"And I think she'd be more comfortable in her bed."

"So why don't you wake her and tell her to go to bed?" he questioned.

"Because," Kate stated, "If I wake her, she'll stay awake instead of going back to sleep. She's exhausted, I want her to rest."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to come over and pick her up out of the chair and carry her to her room."

"Is that all?" he teased.

"I think it's easy enough for you to accomplish," she replied lightly.

"Don't you think that will wake her?"

"No," she replied, "I dropped the remote and it bounced off the stand and onto the floor and she didn't even flinch. She's out. Dad always carried her to bed when she'd fall asleep downstairs, she never seemed to notice."

He laughed, "And what about you? Did Jim have to carry you around?"

She smiled, "Plenty of times. I'm surprised he doesn't have back problems. So will you do this for me?"

"I don't know…"

"What's wrong, Castle? Don't you think you're strong enough to pick her up? She's probably only a size bigger than me…but then again, I guess you do struggle when you pick me up so maybe you're not very strong after all…maybe I better call someone else…maybe Ryan or Esposito."

"I do not struggle when I pick you up!" he exclaimed defensively and she smiled in satisfaction.

"I don't want you to strain yourself. I'll call one of the guys."

"You'll do no such thing!" he stated, "I can pick her up without any trouble at all."

"If you're sure," she said lightly. "I would appreciate it."

"Of course I'm sure," Castle said; not even realizing that he had been played. "Do you need me to bring you anything, since I'm coming over?"

"I could really go for a milkshake," she told him.

He laughed, "What flavor are you craving today, Detective?"

"Strawberry."

"And do you want a burger and fries to go with that?" he inquired; as he had never seen Kate have a milkshake without a burger and some fries.

She grinned, "Now that you mention it that does sound good."

"Any other issues I can help you with?"

"I'm bored," she replied.

"So you not only want me to move your mother and feed you; you also want me to entertain you?" Castle said.

"Isn't entertainment part of your job description?" she teased.

Castle chuckled. "I'm starting to get the picture here," he said; "You want a slave and a court jester."

She laughed, and suffered through the following twinge. "But not just any slave and court jester; I'm requesting a ruggedly handsome one."

"Detective," he said with amusement and she could just imagine the boyish grin on his lips. "When you say things like that I get all warm and tingly."

"So you're going to take the job as my ruggedly handsome slave and court jester?" she teased.

"It depends," he said, adding suspicion to his tone, "What else is in the job description?"

"I need the Advil bottle opened."

"Are you in pain?" he asked; concern making it's way into his tone.

"Just a dull ache," she replied. "It's nothing I can't manage."

"You'll be alright until I get there?"

"Yes," she answered. "I'm fine. I just want to take something before it gets worse because you know I don't like to take those pain pills."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah."

"What?"

"After you're finished showing off how strong you are by picking up my mother; I'd appreciate it if you could pick up my remote."

He couldn't help but laugh, "You're just in a hell of a shape over there, aren't you."

"It's a shame," Kate said, "It really is."

"How long has Johanna been asleep?" he asked.

"Oh, it's been a little over an hour now."

"An hour?" he said, "Your mother leaves you unattended for only an hour and you've already ended up in this sorry state?"

A light laugh bubbled up within her, "You better come rescue me, Castle. God only knows what might become of me in the second hour."

"I'm on my way," he told her. "I'll call from the hallway so I don't have to knock and wake her."

"I'll be here," she said, "Waiting like the damsel I am at the moment."

"It figures the one time you're a damsel calling out for a ruggedly handsome knight in shining armor that my white horse would be in the shop," he quipped.

Kate laughed despite herself, "I don't mind a knight in a Ferrari."

"Then I guess it's a good thing I've kept the boys waiting for their compensation," he replied before promising to get there as soon as possible.

* * *

A short time later, her phone buzzed with a text message telling her he was outside her door. She quietly undid the locks and opened the door.

"Have no fear, Castle is here," he said quietly, a smug grin on his lips that she couldn't help but smile at as she allowed him into the apartment.

"What all did you bring?" she asked as she took notice of the bags dangling from his arm, as he held the cup holder containing two milkshakes in his one hand.

"Two bags are our lunch," he answered as they moved into the kitchen, "I got enough for your mom in case she was awake before I got here," he said, sitting the milkshakes on the table and removing the bags from his arm. "The other bag is some movies I selected from my collection, for your entertainment."

"Covering the bases," she said with a nod.

"I take my job as a ruggedly handsome slave and court jester, very seriously," he remarked as he reached for the bottle of Advil on the counter. "And since you're placing yourself in my care, first things first," he said as he opened the bottle and shook out two tablets for her.

"Thank you," she said softly as she accepted them, her eyes not meeting his.

"Needing a little help isn't anything to be ashamed of Kate," he told her.

"I know," she said after swallowing the medicine, "It's just…difficult to accept, especially when I'm not hurt all that badly and yet I still seem to be incapacitated in some ways."

He gently pulled her into an embrace, "It's okay," he said, "You'll be back to yourself soon enough."

She nodded and smiled as she pulled back and met his gaze.

"What next?" he asked.

"My mother," she said, beckoning him to follow her back to the living room.

He smiled at the sight of Johanna curled up in the chair, sound asleep, seemingly oblivious to the world around her. He imagined that had to be a relief for her. She seemed to be holding herself together in the face of Kate's accident and the emotional conversation that Kate had told him she had with her mother; but he knew that somewhere inside, Johanna must be suffering and in turmoil.

"Do you think you can do it?" she asked.

He nodded and carefully slipped an arm around her back, and one behind her knees and gently lifted her from the chair. He stayed still for a moment to see if Johanna would react to the movement but she didn't stir and he caught Kate's eye and grinned as she mouthed, 'Good job.'

He followed behind Kate as she led him to the guest room, where she pulled back the covers on the bed. He cautiously placed Johanna in her bed and Kate pulled the covers up over her before they crept silently from the room, closely the door softly as they went.

After they had ate and he had picked up her remote and popped a movie into the DVD player, they settled onto the couch together, Kate nestling comfortably into his side.

"Let's see," he said, "I moved your mother, medicated you, fed you, picked up the remote and am now in the process of entertainment. Anything else I can do for you? Do you need me to give you a free check-up?" he asked.

She smirked at him, "No, thanks."

"Sponge bath?" he asked.

"I'm capable of bathing myself," Kate told him.

"What about your wrist?" he asked, "It's all bandaged."

"I take the bandage off while I get a shower and then my mother re-wraps it."

"It would be more fun my way," he told her, a mischievous grin on his lips.

"I'm sure it would be," she said, "But since I don't live alone, I'll pass on the experience…for now."

"For now?" he asked, surprise tingeing his tone.

She smiled at him, her eyes sparkling with amusement but said nothing.

"Tease."

She laughed softly, the Advil killing the ache in her side enough to allow her to do so. "Guess you'll just have to wait and see if that comes true," she told him.

"Oh well," he said, "At least I have you where I want you now."

Her brow rose, "And where would that be?"

He grinned, "Helpless and dependent upon me," he answered, "And all to myself while your mother catches up on her beauty sleep."

Kate smiled, "I feel like the two of you are competing for me."

Castle shook his head, "I swear I'm not trying to compete with her," he said seriously, "I just try to give her a break because I can tell she's tired but she just doesn't want to share you…not that I can blame her."

She kissed his cheek, "Thank you for being understanding of her."

"No problem," he said, "I'm just trying to do my share and look after you both."

"I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow to be re-checked," Kate told him.

"You want me to take you?" he asked.

"Yes, but there's a small problem."

"What?"

"My Dad has claimed that job."

"You don't want him to take you?"

"No," she said with a sigh, "But I feel like I can't tell him no especially after we didn't call him, but I know if he takes me, he'll take me straight to the doctor and straight back home. With you, you'll let me stay out a bit longer…and I need to get out a little."

"So what's the plan?" he asked.

"I want you to come over in the morning. If I can manage to make a trade where he stays with her and you go with me, I will. If not, I'd appreciate it if you stayed here with my mother. I'm a leery about leaving her on her own just yet."

Castle nodded, "I can do that."

"Thanks," she said softly, and he shifted to press a kiss to her lips.

"You sure you don't want to play doctor with me?" he teased.

She laughed, "I thought you didn't like doctors, Castle."

"I like some doctor's," he said. "I like Lanie; but you've never had a consultation with Doctor Castle," he told her. "My bedside manner is excellent."

"I don't doubt that," she said, "But maybe some other time."

"Alright, if you don't want to play doctor, I guess I could be your naughty nurse," he stated suggestively.

"I thought you were being my slave and court jester."

"I am, and your knight in a Ferrari," he replied, "But I'm multi-talented, Beckett. I can be lots of things for you."

She smiled and then kissed him once again. "How about you just be my writer, my partner and my…Castle," she said finally when she couldn't think of how else to classify him without wading into waters she wasn't feeling strong enough to swim in at the moment.

He smiled fondly, "I shall always be your Castle," he told her.

"I'll be your Kate," she replied.

"Couldn't ask for anything more," he told her as he held her close.

She laid her head on his shoulder and turned her attention to the movie, content to just be with him.

"If you need to go to sleep," he said seriously, "You go ahead. I'm here, I'll look after everything. You just rest."

She nodded against him, "Thank you, Rick."

"Always."

* * *

Johanna jerked awake, her eyes darting around the room in confusion as she took in her surroundings. She could've sworn that she had been in the living room. She looked down at herself, pulling the sheet back to examine her clothes; they were the same ones she remembered having on…so how had she ended up in her bed?

She sat up and shook her head, as if it would rid her mind of the hazy cobwebs that were inhabiting it. She listened, the apartment sounded quiet and for whatever reason that unnerved her slightly and she got out of bed and swiftly made her way to the bedroom door.

"Katie," she called out as she stepped into the hallway.

"In the living room," her daughter called back.

Her unease settled and she made the trek to the living room and found her daughter sitting on the sofa, nestled into her partner's side. She said nothing about that as she dropped into her chair and caught her eye.

"I think I'm losing my mind," she said to Kate.

"Why's that?"

"I don't remember going to bed," Johanna replied.

Kate chuckled lightly, "That's because you fell asleep in the chair."

"That still leaves the question of how I got into bed."

"Castle carried you," she told her.

"And I didn't even drop you once," Castle teased as Johanna's gaze shifted to him.

She laughed, "I appreciate that. Did she make you come over here to move me?"

"She didn't _make _me," he replied, "She just gave me this sad tale of woe about herself and how she wanted you to be comfortable while you got your beauty sleep."

Kate rolled her eyes, "Like I really had to beg you to come over."

"What was this sad tale of woe, Rick?" Johanna asked with a laugh.

"The usual sad tale," he replied, "I'm bored, I'm hungry, I need a milkshake, carry my mother, and pick up my remote," he said in a dramatic whining tone."

Kate smacked his chest, "It was not like that at all."

"It was," he said to Johanna as he grinned. "I should've recorded it."

She shot him a teasing look, "I'm sure you enjoyed coming to her rescue."

"It has been the highlight of my day," he remarked, "Although she did decline my offer of a free check up."

She smacked him again as Johanna laughed. "Don't say things like that to my mother!"

He looked at her in mock surprise, "Why, Katherine Beckett, I do believe your mind is in the gutter once again. I assure you and your mother that my intentions were pure."

"Castle, you probably haven't had a pure thought since you were five," Kate remarked.

"Can you believe she's accusing me of such things?" he asked Johanna.

Johanna grinned, "All of you men claim to have pure intentions and it's always a lie."

Castle eyed her with mischief, "Who lied to you about having pure intentions, Johanna?"

"I shouldn't say," she replied.

"Come on," he said, "You can tell us. At least give us a hint."

"I married him," she laughed.

"I had a feeling that was the answer," Kate stated, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Well then," Castle said, "You have no right to complain; the evidence shows that you must not have minded his true intentions."

"What evidence?" Johanna asked.

"This evidence," he answered as he pointed to Kate. "Undisputable proof that you went along with it."

Kate couldn't help but laugh as her mother's cheeks flushed red as she covered her face with her hand, a light laugh of her own escaping her lips.

"Can't deny it now, can you?" Castle teased.

"I guess I can't," Johanna replied, "But for the record, I was drinking that night."

Castle laughed as Kate's mouth fell open in surprise before she managed to catch her mother's eye.

"You don't know which night it happened!" Kate accused.

"Actually," Johanna said; her eyes everywhere but her daughter's face, "I'm pretty sure I know which one it was…or at least I have it narrowed down to a specific weekend."

"Must've been a memorable occasion," Castle laughed.

"Great," Kate said, "I'm the product of a drunken night…or weekend, whichever it was."

"I wasn't drunk," Johanna said.

"You said you were drinking," Kate reminded her.

"I was, but I wasn't drunk."

"What were you drinking?" Castle asked.

"Do we really want to talk about this?" Johanna asked.

"Yes," Castle replied.

She looked to Kate. "Well you kind of opened the door for it," she told her mother, "And now, even though I don't want to know…I kind of have to know."

"Tell us what you were drinking, Johanna," Castle taunted.

"What does it matter?" she asked.

"It can be very telling," he replied.

She rolled her eyes, reminding him of Kate once more. "It was champagne, Rick."

"Oh, champagne," he said, his face a light with mischief. "You must've been celebrating something."

"Oh god," Kate said. "I should've stopped this conversation."

"It's not too late," Johanna told her.

"It is," Kate said, "Look at him, his eyes are all shiny and his ears are tuned to listen. He won't rest until he gets the rest of the story."

"I'll cover your ears," Castle told her.

She laughed, "Why bother, you'll just insist on telling me later anyway."

"Was it New Years Eve?" he asked.

"Castle, I was born in November, it couldn't have been New Years Eve," Kate stated, "It would've had to have been in…oh no," she said as she counted backwards, "No, don't tell me."

Johanna laughed but said nothing.

"What?" Castle asked, "What is it?"

Neither woman said a word so he quickly did the math for himself. "That would be…February. What's wrong with February?" he asked and then he remembered a certain detail, "Oh," he said.

"It wasn't my birthday," Johanna stated, deciding to put her daughter out of her misery.

"You're not just saying that, are you?" Kate asked.

"No. I swear."

"Valentine's Day?" Castle suggested?

"No."

"February's a short month, Johanna," he teased.

"I don't remember the exact date!" she exclaimed, "I just know when it wasn't."

"So if you weren't celebrating your birthday or Valentine's Day, what was it?" he asked.

"You want the truth?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Alright, fine. We were going to Pennsylvania for a three day weekend because my mother-in-law's sister was having a family reunion of sorts for her birthday."

"Which sister?" Kate interrupted to ask.

"Theresa."

"The scary one?" she said, "The one who thought she could cast spells on people?"

Johanna nodded, "That's the one."

Castle held up a hand, "I want that story later," he stated and when she nodded he said, "Go on."

"I didn't want to go, not only because Elizabeth and I didn't get along, but because Theresa was even worse and as Kate said, scary. As we were driving through Pennsylvania, Jim took a wrong turn and we ended up on the wrong side of the state. So we had to get directions and it was getting dark and we were too far away to get back on track so we had to go stay in a hotel. He's always accused me of letting him take that wrong turn on purpose."

"Did you?" Kate asked.

"No," she replied, "I didn't plan it…I may have noticed when he did it and not said anything…because you know how he hates to have someone give him directions while he's driving and convinced that he knows where he's going. I was really doing him a favor by not bringing it up. We would've argued about it and still been lost, so what was the point in telling him?"

Kate laughed, "So you are somewhat guilty."

She shrugged, "I suppose in a small way you could say that," she said with a laugh, "But that's just between us."

"How did champagne enter the picture?" Castle asked.

"I was thrilled that there was going to be one less day that I'd have to stay with Elizabeth and Theresa so I ordered a bottle of champagne from room service to celebrate my good fortune," she told him.

Kate shook her head, "I came from a champagne induced night in a hotel room on the wrong side of Pennsylvania."

"You make it sound so cheap," Johanna replied. "Personally I think it all worked out for the best. The next morning we were snowed in and by the time we got out it was time to head back home. I got to skip the reunion and I got a beautiful baby girl nine months later…that couldn't have worked out better if I had planned it."

Castle was laughing, "Now I know the Kate Beckett origin story."

"I guess it could've been worse," she said, "At least I wasn't created in the backseat of the car."

"I'm not that kind of girl," Johanna replied with a laugh; her cheeks still stained red with embarrassment.

A thought occurred to Kate then and she shot a glance at her mother, "Wait…oh my god, is that why Dad calls me 'Wrong Way Katie' every once in awhile?"

"Wrong Way Katie!" Castle exclaimed.

Johanna laughed and nodded. "When I was pregnant and narrowed down the time frame, he started calling you our 'wrong way baby'. Then after you were born he made it 'Wrong way Katie'. When you'd cry in the middle of the night, he'd say to me, 'There goes wrong way Katie again,'."

Castle was laughing so hard that there were tears in his eyes and Kate grabbed a hold of his ear. "You ever tell anyone what you just heard in this room and I will hurt you, understand?"

He nodded, "I understand…but I'm going to be laughing about it for weeks."

She looked at her mother, "See what you've done."

"I'm sorry," Johanna said, "Let's change the subject now…please."

"There's food from Remy's in the fridge," Kate said, "Castle brought extra for you."

"Thank you," she said to him, "I guess I owe you one for looking after us today."

"It's on the house," he said with a dismissive wave, "I mean we're practically family after all."

"Are we?" she asked.

He nodded, "You're like my…muse-in-law."

The ladies chuckled. "What does that mean?" she asked Kate.

"It probably means he's writing you into a book," she answered.

"Who would want to read about me?" Johanna asked with a laugh.

"Same people who read about Kate," Castle answered, and then he added, "Not that I'm confirming or denying this rumor that there is a new character in Nikki's life."

"That pretty much says it all," Kate stated.

Castle was enjoying teasing Johanna too much to let it stop now, and Kate seemed to be relaxed and enjoying herself, her injuries and the investigation obviously far from her mind.

"If there is a new character, who may or may not sound a lot like you," he stated mischievously, "I'm thinking I would name her Elizabeth."

"Don't you dare!" Johanna said as she glared at him playfully.

"It's not just Grandma's name," Kate said, "It's your middle name too."

She shook her head, "No. She better not be named Elizabeth."

"Alright," Castle said as he pretended to think, "How about Melanie?"

Johanna's eyes went wide and Kate choked on her laughter as Castle had obviously recalled the story she had told him about her mother and her hatred of Melanie Thompson.

"I will hurt you," Johanna told him; her eyes narrowed and a knowing smirk on her lips.

"You don't have time to hurt me," Castle said, "You're too busy threatening members of the NYPD."

"I'm going to smack Ryan just for telling everyone about that," Johanna remarked.

"I'll call and tell him he has something new to look forward too," Castle stated.

"You do and I'll smack you too," she retorted.

"You like me too much to smack me," he teased.

"Don't press your luck, Rick," Johanna replied, her eyes gleaming with mischief. "I've smacked a few faces in my time."

"Hmm," Castle said as he studied her, "I take it you got pinched a lot in the 70's."

She laughed, "Once or twice."

"That's what happens when you run around in short shorts," Kate told her.

Johanna pointed a finger at Kate, "I can smack you too if I have to."

"But you won't," she scoffed.

"So if I can't name my rumored new character Elizabeth or Melanie, what can I name her?" Castle asked bringing the topic around.

"Don't give her a stripper name like you did to me," Kate told him.

"Nikki Heat is not a stripper name," he stated.

"Yes it is," Kate replied and then she glanced at her mother, "Don't you think so?"

"No comment," she said.

"That really means she agrees with me," Castle said.

Kate laughed, "If that's what you want to think."

"Alright," he said, "If you could have any name you wanted as a kid, what would it have been?" he asked Johanna.

"I don't know," she replied, "When I was a kid I would've preferred anything that sounded better than Johanna Elizabeth."

"Name her Erica," Kate said as she caught her mother's eye and winked.

"Erica?" he said, a slight hint of disdain in his tone.

"What's wrong with Erica?" Johanna demanded to know.

He glanced at her, sensed there was a secret between mother and daughter that had to do with the significance of that name and said cautiously, "You like Erica?"

She nodded, "Yes, I do."

"I like it too," Kate said before he could look to her.

He nodded and resigned himself to the thought that Nikki Heat's aunt would be named Erica.

"Erica it is," he stated, "That is of course if I have need of a name for a new character."

Kate looked to Johanna, "There's going to be an Erica, take my word for it. I know him, he can't resist."

* * *

Hours later, after evening had set in and dinner had been eaten; Kate followed Castle into the hallway and pulled the door shut behind her.

"Thanks for coming to my rescue," she told him softly, a light smile on her face.

"Always," he said, "Next time I'll come on a white horse."

She laughed, "I hope someone gets pictures of that."

He laughed and then looked at her seriously, "Better yet, let's just hope that you're never in a position where you get hurt again."

She nodded, "I wish I could promise you I won't, but…"

"I know," he said.

She didn't know what to say to make it better; maybe there was nothing she could say. She moved closer, laying her hand against his cheek and then kissed him tenderly, hoping that gesture would speak for all the things she didn't know how to say.

The look in his eyes told her he understood and she did her best to smile as she wrapped her arms around him.

He wanted to wrap her in his embrace as tightly as possible but he kept his hold light, keeping in mind that squeezing her too hard would hurt her.

"Promise me that as soon as you're better, I can hug you the way I really want to," he said quietly.

"I promise," she replied, "I'll even let you have first dibs."

He chuckled softly, "Good, because I really don't want to have to fight your mother."

She giggled, "Yeah, I don't blame you…if she thinks she can take Ryan than she can probably take you."

"Hey," he said as she slipped out of his arms, "I'm your strong ruggedly handsome slave and court jester, how dare you imply that a girl can beat me up."

"Castle, I could be beat you up if I wanted."

"Yeah but you're trained for it," he replied, "What's your mother been trained for? Brownie baking?"

She laughed, "My mother has a temper, and you do not want to provoke it."

"But now I'm curious about it," he said, acting as though he were contemplating pushing Johanna's buttons.

"Castle, she is Irish and Italian, the explosions are not pretty."

"Irish and Italian," he said, "Interesting."

"Learning all kinds of new things today, aren't you?"

"I should just come over here and sit the two of you down and force you both to tell me your life stories," he stated. "I think you're holding out on me."

"We can't spoil the mystery by telling you everything at once," Kate told him.

He smirked and then stole another kiss from her. "What time should I be here tomorrow?"

"Around ten."

He nodded, "I'll be here. Sweet dreams, Detective."

She smiled, "We can only hope."

"I'd tell you to dream of me," he told her, "But chances are those dreams would be naughty."

Kate rolled her eyes, "Goodnight, Rick."

"Goodnight," he said with a laugh and then he waited until she was inside and he had heard the sound of the locks clicking into place before walking away.

* * *

"What are you primping for?" Kate asked her mother the next morning.

"So I can go with you to the doctor," she replied.

"You're not going," she told her, "You are staying here, I already told you that last night."

"Yes, well, I overlooked that statement because it was three in the morning and you were hurting. I didn't think you meant it."

"No, you were hoping I didn't mean it, but I do."

"Why?"

"Because, there is no need to make this a family affair," Kate stated. "Dad's taking me, you can stay here."

"I'm going," Johanna insisted.

"She said that you're not going, Johanna," Jim stated.

"Who's side are you on?" she asked.

"At the moment, I'm on hers," he replied, "I'm her father; I'm capable of taking her to the doctor. I've done it before."

She frowned, trying to ignore the sting she felt because she had a feeling he was referring to the appointments she would've had after her shooting. She didn't really believe that he was implying anything by the statement; she knew she was just being sensitive and she forced herself to brush it off.

"That doesn't mean I can't go along."

"You're staying here," Kate told her. "Castle is coming over to keep you company."

"I don't need a babysitter," she insisted.

Kate smiled, "He's not coming to babysit, he's here to make sure you don't beat up Ryan and Esposito if they stop by."

Johanna smirked at her, "Funny."

"I know," she remarked with a grin, "I'd laugh but it'll hurt."

"And you overdid it yesterday with the laughing," Johanna remarked.

"I know, but it was worth it. We had fun didn't we? Castle kept us entertained."

"You're trying to change the subject," her mother accused.

"The subject is closed."

"I'm the one taking care of you; I should get to hear what the doctor has to say."

"I will tell you what he said when we get back," Jim told her, "You just don't want to let her out of your sight."

Kate sighed as her parents bickered. She wished Castle would hurry so she could get out of there. The thought had no sooner crossed her mind when a knock sounded at the door.

Kate opened the door and smiled at the sight of Castle. "Thank god you're here," she told him.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he stepped inside.

She pointed at her parents, "They're bickering over me."

He grinned at Jim and Johanna, "The joys of marriage, huh."

"Yeah," Jim laughed, "For better or worse…or overly protective motherly instincts."

His wife swatted his shoulder, "I just think that since I am the one who's taking care of her that I should get to go along and hear what the doctor says."

"Other people would help you take care of her if you'd give them a chance," Jim told her, "But you've staked your claim."

"I don't need help," Johanna remarked, "And besides, Rick took care of her yesterday, so there."

"See what I mean," Kate said to Castle.

He nodded, "Mama bear protecting the cub," he stated.

"Don't make me laugh, Castle," she told him.

"It's hard to refrain from that," he replied, "I'm so naturally gifted when it comes to comedy."

She laughed lightly and then cringed.

"Sorry," he said, "I'll try to control myself."

"It's alright," she told him; and then turning to her parents she said, "I have an idea."

"What?" they both asked.

"We'll do a trade; Castle will take me to the doctor and the two of you can stay here," she told them.

"I think that's a great idea," Castle agreed.

"I don't," Johanna said.

"Sure it is," Kate told her, "You and Dad can be alone."

"Yeah," Castle said, "Wouldn't you two like to be alone?"

Johanna glanced at her husband and smirked, "I don't know, it depends on if he's going to be nice to me or not."

Jim grinned at her and wrapped an arm around her, "When have I ever not been nice to you?"

"I can think of a few times."

"Those were just misunderstandings," he replied.

"Sure they were."

"Maybe if you two spend some time alone together, you can get over your bickering," Kate told them.

"We're not bickering," Johanna insisted.

"I know what bickering sounds like," Castle said, "There was definitely bickering going on here."

Her mother was about to make a comment but Kate cut her off. "So do we have a deal?" she asked, "Do you mind a trade off, Dad?"

"I don't mind, Katie," he replied, "Whatever you want."

"Great," she said, "Let's go, Castle."

"Don't worry," he told Johanna, "I'll take notes and report back to you."

"You better," she told him.

"I will," he promised and then he shot her a teasing grin, "We'll call first before we come back."

She narrowed her eyes at him, "Take care of my daughter," she demanded.

"Always," he told her.

After Kate had said her goodbyes, Johanna moved away from her husband and locked the door. She had been sure she could convince Kate to allow her to go along, and being on the losing end didn't feel good…because Jim was right, there was a part of her that wasn't ready to let her out of her sight just yet."

She sighed in resignation and turned towards the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Jim asked her.

"To change clothes," she said, "If I'm staying home, I may as well be comfortable."

He shook his head as he watched her walk away and then made himself at home on the sofa as he awaited his wife's return.

Johanna re-emerged from the bedroom, dressed in a red tank top and black Capri's, with her hair pinned up; the image of defeat and acceptance that she didn't get her way. Jim smiled at her as she walked through the living room.

"I've always liked you in red," he told her.

She smirked at him, "I thought you preferred me in black."

He grinned, catching her saucy meaning. "You always said that variety was the spice of life."

"So some days you like red and some days you like black?" she asked.

He chuckled, "I'll take you in any color, if you want the truth."

Johanna laughed, "I'm already aware of that," she answered as she continued on her way to the kitchen.

Jim followed after her; and when she opened the cupboard and reached for the mixing bowl, he stepped behind her and took it from her hands and pushed it back onto the shelf.

"I know that baking is your preferred method of stress relief," he told her, "But why don't you just tell me what's on your mind instead?"

She sighed and kept her back to him instead of turning to face him. "You know what's on my mind."

"It's not your fault, Johanna," he said quietly.

"How can you say that?" she asked, "Someone hurt her because of me."

"I can say it because it's true," he stated. "You're not the one who set her up, and you're not the one who slammed into her car. You didn't cause her injuries."

"Yes I did," she replied, "I'm the person who caused this. It all falls back on me because I took that damn case."

"You have to stop torturing yourself about that," Jim told her, "You didn't take that case knowing any of this was going to happen. It's not your fault."

But it felt like it was, she thought to herself, and it would always feel that way. She would spend the rest of her life weighed down by guilt and regret. No one would ever be able to absolve her of that feeling. Her throat tightened with sobs she wouldn't release, and she took a deep breath to compose herself. Her neck ached, as it often did when she was under stress and she reached up and opened a different cupboard door and took out the bottle of Advil.

"Headache?" Jim asked quietly.

She shook her head, although it was a wonder that she wasn't laying in a dark room fighting off a migraine. "My neck," she told him as she picked up a glass from the sink and filled it with water and took the pills she had shaken out of the bottle.

"What's wrong with your neck?" he asked with concern.

"Tension," she answered as she rubbed the back of her neck, feeling the tightness of her muscles.

Jim carefully pulled her hand away and replaced it with his own, allowing his thumb to rub against the base of her neck.

"Your muscles feel like they're tied in knots, Johanna."

"I can't imagine why," she said with a gentle hint of sarcasm.

He laughed softly and then dipped his head to press a kiss against the back of her neck.

"She's alright, Jo," he told her, "You need to try and relax, and maybe instead of sitting in a chair all night you could get into your bed…maybe you could even try sleeping."

"I know," she said softly, "But I want to be near by if she needs me. I need to take care of her."

"I know that when Katie came home you needed to keep an eye on her at all times to make sure she didn't get worse, but she didn't require round the clock care after the first twenty-four hours. You don't need to run yourself into the ground; you didn't need to do it alone the first day; there were plenty of people willing to help but you didn't want to give anyone a chance."

He didn't understand, she thought; he just didn't understand how important it was for her to be able to do something, to be able to take care of her child. That was her job and she wanted to do it, she needed to do it.

"I'm her mother," she told him, "And I want to feel like it. I'm capable of taking care of her, I don't need help. I just need to take care of my daughter…and she wants me too. I offered to get someone else for her if she didn't want me…but she said that she wants me, Jim. She wants _me_, and I'm not going to back away from that. I don't care how much sleep I lose sitting up with her when her ribs hurt too much for her to sleep. I don't care if I have to sit in a chair all night while she sleeps on the couch so I can keep the ice packs on her and keep her from rolling onto her side, and that I have to keep checking her to make sure the concussion isn't getting worse, and open up the pill bottles because she can't twist the caps because of her wrist. She wants me to do it and I'm going to do it, because she needs me…and I need to be the one to do it…you don't understand how much I need to be able to be here for her," she said as her voice cracked with emotion that threatened to break the surface.

"I understand," he told her as he kissed the back of her head as he wrapped his arms around her. "I know it's important to you; but I worry about you. I worry about both of you."

"I know," she said as she sank back against him. She was ready to crumble but she held herself together.

"I'll make you a deal," he told her as he nuzzled her hair.

"What kind of deal?"

"You take care of Katie," he stated, "And I'll take care of you."

Her eyes filled with tears, "It's been a long time since I've been taken care of," she whispered.

He squeezed her waist, "Well it's time we remedy that," he told her. "Let's go sit down and I'll see if I can get that knot out of your neck for you. I'm probably not as good at it as you always were," he said, recalling all the times when she had rubbed stress induced knots out of his neck and back, "But I'll do my best."

She turned in his embrace and brushed her lips across his. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

He guided her into the living room and she sat down on the couch, drawing her legs up and turning so her back would face him and he situated himself behind her. Gently he pressed his thumbs against her tight muscles and massaged the area, working at it until he felt the tension ease and her body start to relax. He moved his hands to her shoulders, his fingers skillfully slipping beneath the straps of her tank top and bra and sliding them down her arms so the area was unobstructed.

The silence between them was easy and comfortable, and she didn't feel the need to break it as she kept her head lowered. She closed her eyes as his fingers continued to work on her muscles. She had always loved his hands, and the way they felt against her skin. His hands were always warm and gentle when they were upon her; and he could touch her in so many ways, each having its own meaning, its own feeling that she could easily distinguish between. Sometimes his hands moved over her in comfort, in assurance, affectionately with love, sensuously with desire and need. Sometimes his hands were careful, sometimes they were greedy. Sometimes his touch was all she needed, craved and wanted.

A sigh escaped her lips as he rubbed a tender spot in her shoulder and he paused for a moment.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked softly.

"No," she whispered, "Don't stop."

His hands resumed their ministrations and she allowed herself to indulge in sensation. It felt good…but of course his hands always did feel good on her and the wayward thought entered her mind that she wouldn't mind feeling his hands in other places…she wouldn't mind if they strayed away from the area he was working on. It wouldn't be the first time his hands wandered, she mused, and then she shook her head, trying to shake those thoughts loose.

"Don't go there," she told herself; those weren't thoughts she should be entertaining at the moment.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked her, as his fingers continued to skim across her neck and shoulders.

She obviously was, she thought, after all she hadn't been tramping down feelings of desire when they had begun.

"Yes," she told him. "Maybe you missed your calling."

Jim laughed quietly, "This is my side job," he teased.

She laughed, "Who's your clientele?"

"Just you," he told her.

"I bet that's what you tell all the girls," she said lightly.

"No," he said, before brushing his lips across the bare skin of her shoulder, "You're the only one."

"Am I?" she asked, playing along.

"Yes," he replied as he pressed a kiss against her neck, "Don't tell my wife."

Johanna laughed, "Is she someone to fear?"

"You'd be a fool if you didn't," he teased, "Just the other day she threatened to beat up a cop."

"I'm sure she had a good reason," she laughed.

"That may be," he remarked, "But the point is that she can be fierce when she needs to be."

"Do you like that in a woman?" she asked.

"Obviously," he stated, "I married her, didn't I?"

"Maybe she bullied you into it," she said playfully.

Jim laughed, "No, she doesn't bully me…she resorts to tricks when she wants something from me."

"I think you're lying," she remarked as she turned and then climbed onto his lap. "I bet your wife is a lovely person."

"She is," he stated seriously as he gazed into her eyes, "Lovely, wonderful, beautiful, strong, intelligent, sexy, compassionate…"

She cut off his words with a passion filled kiss. He drew her back for another and then another after that.

"I thought we were supposed to be cooling off," he murmured as they came up for air.

"It's your fault," she told him as she melted against him, laying her head against his shoulder. "You shouldn't have been so good at what you were doing."

He laughed softly, "I was just trying to make you feel better," he told her as he pushed her straps back up onto her shoulders.

"It worked," she said as she toyed with a button on his shirt.

"It wasn't intended to be a seduction," he told her lightly, "Although now that I know that works, I'll file that piece of information away for when you're home."

'Home,' she thought; what she wouldn't give to go home and have all this behind them. What she wouldn't give to go back in time and prevent all of this…because sometimes it felt like it would never end, and now she had the images of Kate's scars in her mind, compounding the guilt she already felt. She felt so useless, so worthless. She felt like the worst kind of wife and mother. She felt like a failure of the highest degree and that wasn't easy to live with. Her emotions had been in turmoil for days now, and she had held most of it back, but now, cradled against the warmth of her husband the dam broke and her body shuddered as the sobs wracked her frame.

"Hey," he said softly, his hold tightening on her, "What's wrong?"

"Everything," she told him. "Everything's wrong and it's never going to be alright."

"Yes it will," he assured, "It's just going to take time."

"Time," she scoffed, "This has been going on for thirteen years…and it feels like it's never going to end."

"It will end, Johanna," he told her, "I promise you, one day it will end."

"But are we all going to be alive when is does?" she cried, "How many times is Katie going to have to pay for my sins? How long are you going to wait for me before you get fed up and decide you were better off? How…"

"Stop," he demanded, gently pushing her back from his chest so he could tip her chin up and look into her tear filled eyes. "First of all, yes, we're all going to be alive when this ends; and secondly, Katie isn't paying for your sins, the two of you are paying for the sins of some coward, who can't even do his own dirty work, and I hope to god when he's found that someone puts a bullet through his skull, because prison's too good for the son of a bitch. Third, I will wait for you for as long as it takes. I have never been better off without you and I never will be."

"How can you say that?" she asked, "Look at what I've done, the chaos I've caused. Look at Katie…she's walking around with a scar over her heart as permanent reminder of what her mother's done to her. A good mother doesn't cause her child harm; a good wife doesn't…"

"Shhh," he said as he wiped the rapidly falling tears from her cheeks. "You didn't cause the chaos, Johanna; you were just the unfortunate person who got caught up in it. You had no way of knowing. You didn't tell Katie to chase this. You didn't pull the trigger and put that bullet in her heart. You didn't make me pick up bottle after bottle and drink it. We did those things on our own; we used you as our excuse, knowing that the things we were doing were things you wouldn't want or approve of. We all have our share of the blame to carry, Johanna, but the person with the biggest share, is the person who caused all of this, and that person isn't you."

"It feels like it," she cried.

"It isn't," he insisted.

"My father was right about me," she whispered.

"No," Jim stated firmly, taking her face between his hands and forcing her to look at him. "Frank was never right about you. I don't know what the hell his problem was and why he took it out on you, but you were never any of the things he said, and why you're mother allowed him to get away with treating you the way he did is beyond me, because I know if I had ever said the things he said to you, to Katie, you would've punched me in the mouth and then divorced me, and you would've had every right too."

"I hate myself," she told him as she lowered her head back to his shoulder.

"You're not allowed to hate the woman I love," he told her.

The statement only made her cry more and he held her, his hand moving rhythmically up and down her arm. Eventually her sobs subsided, and she stayed slumped against him, feeling spent from her outburst.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" he asked.

"For this," she murmured, "For falling apart on you."

"That's what I'm here for," Jim told her. "Remember, we agreed that I would take care of you."

She nodded, "Yeah, but you probably didn't figure you'd be getting cried on."

He laughed softly, "Sweetheart, you've been crying on me for longer than we've been married."

"I was probably saner back then," she stated.

"Well we didn't have a kid back then," he quipped trying to lighten her mood.

"So we're going to blame Katie for my lack of stability?"

He nodded, "Why not? She probably blames us for hers."

"But at least on her end it's justified."

"Hey," he said, "I think we're justified for the fact that we raised her."

"But we must've done something right," she said quietly, "I think she turned out pretty well despite belonging to us."

"Then that just goes to prove that you're better than you think you are, Johanna," he told her, "Because I give you most of the credit for the person she grew up to be. If it had been up to me, I would've locked her up in a convent when she became a teenager."

She laughed then and he felt better about her emotional state and she raised her head once again to look at him. He smiled at her, and she returned it with one of her own before pressing a soft kiss against his lips.

"I love you," he told her, his gaze locked on hers.

"I love you too," she replied.

"Everything will be alright."

She nodded, although she wasn't entirely convinced. "I'm a mess," she whispered as she swiped her cheeks.

"You're tired, Johanna," he said softly, "You need to rest. Why don't you try and sleep for a bit while Katie's out; because if I know her, she's going to con Rick into taking her to the precinct so she can be updated about every little tidbit that Ryan and Esposito have; and then, knowing Rick, he'll insist on feeding her, so it'll be awhile before they're back."

"Will you lay down with me?" she asked, not ready to give up the feel of his arms around her.

"If you want me to," he replied.

Johanna nodded and reluctantly removed herself from his lap so they could stand. He wrapped an arm around her and led her to the bedroom and she curled up on her side of the bed and waited for him to join her, but he turned away, saying he'd be back in a moment.

When he reappeared, he had a cool washcloth in his hand, and he moved to her side and used it to wipe her face and then he laid it against each of her sore, tired, eyes for a moment before laying it on the nightstand and then moving to his own side and climbing in beside her.

"Hold me," she whispered; needing the comfort of his embrace, and the feel of his hands. He gathered her to him and held her close.

"Sleep," he told her, "You'll feel better."

She made herself comfortable in his arms and closed her eyes, allowing the security that came with being near him, relax her and she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Castle sat next to Kate on the examining table of the doctor's office, waiting for the doctor to come in. He was still surprised that she had beckoned him to follow her when the nurse had called her name but he had hesitated to tag along.

"What, Castle?" she asked as he kept glancing at her.

He shrugged, "I'm still surprised you let me come in with you."

"Why?" she questioned.

"Because, it's the doctor's office…you know…issues of privacy."

She rolled her eyes, "I have a concussion a sprain in my wrist and bruised ribs, I don't think that's going to require me to get undressed."

"So I couldn't come in if you were getting undressed?" he asked teasingly.

She smirked at him, "Oh I don't know, Castle, I might let you come in just to torment you."

He glared at her playfully, "Your mother doesn't have to worry, you're obviously recovering and getting back to your wicked evil ways."

She gave a soft laugh, "So now I'm wicked and evil?"

He nodded, "Don't act like you don't know it."

"I don't know any such thing," she replied and then turning the topic back around she added, "I don't mind you being in here with me, but the truth is I need you as my witness."

"Your witness?" he asked.

She glanced at him, "Do you think my mother is going to take _my_ word for what the doctor said?"

"You're probably right."

"And besides, you promised her you'd give her a full report when we got back."

He grinned, "But according to her, you have me wrapped around your finger, so who says she's going to take my word for it? She might think you paid me off in some way."

"She'll be able to tell if you're lying or not," Kate told him, "She made a living at that, you wouldn't be able to fool her."

He thought about that for a moment, "She'd probably chew me up and spit me out."

"And she'd enjoy it," Kate replied, "And then you'd never hear the end of it."

"It's a good thing I came in with you then," he remarked.

She laid her hand over his and smiled, "Yes it is…and I hate sitting in these little rooms, waiting by myself."

"I hate that too," he told her, "It makes me nervous."

She nodded, "Me too."

Before he could reply the doctor knocked and then opened the door. The doctor inquired about how she was feeling and then he set about examining her injuries. He took the small light from his pocket and clicked it on, ready to shine it in her eyes.

"Your favorite part," Castle commented as he took his small notebook from his pocket, ready to jot down whatever the doctor said.

She smirked, but said nothing as she held still and allowed the doctor to do what he needed to do.

"It looks like the concussion is healing well," he said.

"Does that mean I can go back to work tomorrow?" she asked.

"No," he answered with an indulgent smile, "No work for you just yet."

"You said it was healing," she protested.

"It is healing," he replied, "But it's not completely healed yet. Concussions take about 7-10 days to fully heal."

"I'm already on day four," she told him, "If it's getting better than why should I have to keep staying at home. I feel fine."

"Because if you were to injure yourself again in the same way," the doctor stated, "It could cause some major problems. Head injuries are nothing to take lightly, even once you start feeling better," he told her, "And with the line of work you're in, I recommend you wait the full ten days to make sure it's completely healed, and I'm sure it will be."

Castle was jotting all of this information down and the doctor cast a strange look at him which he caught.

"I promised her mother I'd take notes," he explained.

"I see," he said, "Is your mother taking care of you, Detective?"

"Yes," she replied, "And believe me, she's following the instructions from the hospital to the letter."

"Good for her," he said, "I can tell you're stubborn, you probably would've went back to work the next day."

"She gets the stubbornness from her mother," Castle commented, "She doesn't stand much of a chance against her."

"That's just what I let her think," Kate replied.

The doctor chuckled at them, "Let's take a look at your ribs."

"You want me to close my eyes?" Castle asked Kate, amusement in his voice.

She scoffed as she pulled her shirt up, "Why bother?" she asked, "I know you'll peek."

"Just a little," he told her as the doctor set about examining her.

"How long have the two of you been together?" the doctor asked as he pressed against the bruised area lightly, making her gasp.

"Oh we're…" Castle stammered, not really sure how to answer.

"We're just…" Kate said, but she found herself somewhat unwilling to classify them as just friends.

The doctor laughed, "I think I get it."

Kate blushed with embarrassment and Castle shot her and amused glance.

"How much pain are you having with your ribs?" he asked her.

"It depends on what I'm doing," she admitted, "If I stay off my left side when I'm sleeping, don't twist too much and don't laugh and take too many deep breaths, I'm fine."

"Don't avoid taking deep breaths and laughing," the doctor told her, "That helps re-strengthen the muscle and the deep breaths will help you keep you from getting an infection in your lungs, because sometimes that can happen after a rib injury."

"How long is it going to take to heal?" she asked.

"I'm already seeing some small improvement, but it's going to be a while. It's probably going to be a few weeks before you're back to normal. The discomfort will ease gradually, but you're going to be feeling it for a while; and just like your concussion, you need to take it easy and give it some more time. I don't want you back at work until next week."

"Next week!"

He nodded.

"I have things to do!"

"They'll have to wait."

"That's easy for you to say," she muttered, and Castle laid a hand on her thigh and squeezed lightly, telling her not to argue without saying the words.

"Can I at least have my coffee?" she asked.

"Hold off for another day or two, and then you can try having a small amount," he told her. "But don't over indulge until the ten days are up."

After checking her wrist and finding it to be healing properly as well, the doctor told her to keep doing what she had been doing and to come back if there were any changes. Kate collected her paperwork and they left the office.

"I know you're unhappy with the thought of being home until next week," Castle said once they were in his car, "But I'll come by everyday and amuse you."

She glanced at him and gave him a weak smile, "Thanks."

He felt bad for her, knowing that somewhere inside it was driving her crazy to not be a part of the investigation into the accident.

"How about I take you to lunch," he offered. "We'll get Chinese and take our time in getting back."

"That sounds good," she replied, "But there's somewhere I want to go first."

"Where?"

"The precinct."

"Kate."

"I'm not going to work," she said, "I'm just visiting."

He sighed, "We could just call."

She glanced at him with an unamused look, "I want to go to the precinct," she stated once again.

"Fine," he relented, "I'll take you to the precinct, but don't think I don't know what this is," he stated.

She looked at him in confusion, "What?"

"This is your shameless attempt to get me into trouble with your mother," he replied as he pulled into traffic.

Kate laughed, "Well you wanted to see her temper."

"Yes but not in relation to you," he said, "Mother's can be lethal when it comes to their young," he stated.

She smirked, "Chicken."

* * *

A short time later they walked into the precinct.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked as they approached him and Esposito.

"I escaped and thought I'd come visit," she stated.

"Doctor's appointment," Castle clarified.

"Does your mother know you're here?" Esposito asked.

"I'm not afraid of my mother," she said, "I leave that up to the three of you, now what have you found out?"

"Well," Esposito said, "While you've been lounging around at home, Ryan and I have been having a productive work week."

She smiled, "Then by all means, share it with us slackers."

"Alright," he said, "We pulled all the footage we could get and we've gone over it with a fine tooth comb. We were able to get a clear shot of the guy that cut me and Ryan off, and we were able to get an ID on him."

"Who is he?" Castle asked.

"Gregory Pascal," Ryan answered, "He has a wrap sheet as long as your arm, just got out of prison six months ago."

"Did you find him?" she asked.

"Of course we did," Esposito answered, "We just got through interrogating him about an hour ago."

"What did he say?"

"He said he was hired by a friend to help him with this job," Esposito stated. "He named his friend as Henry Lancaster, who also has a wrap sheet as long as your arm, everything from B&E to assault with a deadly weapon. He's also on parole. Pascal stated that Lancaster told him he was going to be making big money on this job but he needed help, and that he'd cut him in for a share of the money if he went along with him."

"What else?" she asked.

"We have security camera footage of the guy who made the bogus call about the body at a payphone," Ryan said as he handed her the picture. "He positively identified the guy as Henry Lancaster."

"This is the guy who hit me," she said, as she recognized the ball cap and the dark glasses.

"You sure?" Esposito asked.

"Positive."

"Good, then we know Pascal isn't jerking us around."

"Did he say who hired Lancaster?" Castle asked.

"No," Ryan said, "He said Lancaster never told him. All he said was that he was getting paid big money to make a fake homicide call to a lady cop named Beckett, and that he was then supposed to cause her some trouble on the way to the scene. Lancaster knew she wouldn't be alone, that's why he hired Pascal to cut us off. He said Lancaster had pictures and information about what we all looked like and what our cars looked like and the route we were certain to take."

"Sounds like they covered their bases," Kate said.

"Yeah, sounds like our middle man is at work again."

"Do we have anything on Lancaster? Do we know where he is?'

"Pascal didn't know where he's been staying. He said they did their business dealing at a bar. We pulled his records and license. The address he gave previously isn't the one he's at now; he hasn't been there for over six months. We've circulated his picture, and we're going to go check out this bar where they did they're business and see if we bump into him. If not we'll find him somewhere, and when we do, we'll make him give up Shadow if he's the one behind this."

Kate nodded, "Good work, guys. Keep me updated."

"We will," they promised.

She and Castle left the precinct and then went to lunch. She was quiet and pensive as they ate, but he couldn't blame her. His own mind was working through everything the boys had found too. He prayed they would find this guy and Shadow too and that they could bring about an end to all of this quickly and without further harm to Kate or Johanna.

As they got ready to leave, she gave him an understanding smile. "I know," she said even though he hadn't said anything.

"Should I say it anyway?" he asked.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, because I probably need to hear it…and you should probably keep reminding me every once in awhile."

Castle took her hand, "Everything will be alright."

She squeezed his hand, "Thanks."

He nodded as he led her to the car and opened the door for her.

"Hey," she said before she got in.

"What?"

"It'll be okay," she said, knowing he needed to hear it as well.

He smiled and then held the door while she got in and then shut it before jogging around to his side. He climbed in and put the key in the ignition but instead of starting the car he turned to her and gave in to the urge to kiss her. He just needed to kiss her. Apparently she had needed it to, because she allowed it to go on until they were breathless and then she pulled away.

"You better take me home," she told him softly. "I don't want her to worry."

Johanna was awake by the time they got back and when they swept through the door, she asked, "Well?"

"I can go back to work tomorrow," Kate stated.

"Liar," Johanna said. "Rick, what did he really say?"

He took his notebook from his pocket.

"You really did take notes?" she said with a laugh.

"Of course I did," he told her, "I wouldn't lie to you."

He read off everything the doctor had said, including the fact that Kate wasn't to return to work until the following week. Once Johanna had been updated he followed Kate into the kitchen and lingered there with her for the rest of the afternoon. He stayed for dinner and then after a few lingering kisses in the hallway, he left with the promise to be back the following day.

* * *

Two days later Ryan and Esposito walked into Kate's apartment, dreading giving her the news they had.

"What's wrong?" she asked them as she studied their faces.

"We finally got a lead for Henry Lancaster," Esposito began.

"The guy who hit me?" she asked for clarification.

"Yes," Ryan stated, "He's the one that Gregory Pascal named during interrogation. We found out that he was living in one of those rooming houses where you pay by the week."

"And," she said, wishing they'd just get on with it. "Was he there? Did you get him?"

"He was there," Esposito answered and then after a long pause he added, "He was dead."

"Dead?" Castle repeated as he felt Kate tense at his side.

They nodded. "Single gun shot wound to the head, just like Scott Hayes," Ryan told them.

"And let me guess," she said tensely, "No one heard anything and no one saw anything."

"No one heard the shot," Esposito said, "And no one remembers seeing anyone during the time frame of the murder which Lanie places between 2 and 4 a.m. this morning; we're assuming he used a silencer. A canvas of the other tenets did turn up a description of a man that has been seen coming and going from Lancaster's room."

"Do we know who it is?" she asked.

He pulled a sheet of paper from a folder and held it out for her to look at. "Look familiar?" he asked.

Kate and Castle both studied the sketch and Kate curled her hand into a fist.

"Shadow," she stated.

"The tenet next to Lancaster's room remembers seeing him there three times last week, the last sighting of him was the morning of the accident," Ryan told her.

She ran her hand through her hair and pushed herself of the sofa so she could pace.

"Have we been able to get any leads on Shadow through this?" she demanded to know.

"No," Esposito said, "We went through Lancaster's phone records, there's a hand full of calls to a burner cell, but the cell isn't the same as the one Scott Hayes was getting calls from, but of course we all know that doesn't mean that it wasn't the same person. Shadow may be using multiple phones or just buying and disposing as necessary. Financials turned up the same banking info as last time, the account he got his first payment from is untraceable."

She nodded, she knew that, but it didn't ease her frustration.

"Why can't we get this son of a bitch!" she exclaimed.

"He's good. He knows what he's doing."

"Yeah, he's good," she agreed. "Too damn good."

"We're trying, Beckett," Ryan said, "We're going down every avenue we can think of to try and get something on him."

"I know," she said; her tone softening a bit. "I just don't know how this guy can keep staying ahead of us every step of the damn way. It's like he knows every move we make before we make it."

"Like he's a cop," Castle said in reply to her statement.

"We had that thought too," Esposito replied.

"Is there any chance that we somehow missed a cop who was involved with Raglan and McAlister?" she questioned.

"Beckett, we've been through everything related to those two, you know that. We've done went through every possibility."

"There has to be something somewhere."

"I don't know where," Esposito said, "We went through all of the reports, the evaluations, arrest records…we've all went through them multiple times. It seems impossible that we would've missed something."

"We're going to have to check again," she stated as she willed her mind to think up a new solution.

"There's nothing there," Ryan responded. "If this guy is a cop, he's not one that had dealings with Raglan and McAllister."

"How do we know that for sure?" she asked as she spun around to face them.

Neither one of them had an answer for that and they remained silent as she continued to pace.

"I know that we've been through everything a hundred times, but that's all I have right now," Kate stated firmly, "So if we have to go through them again than that's what we have to do. I don't like it anymore than you do, but we'll just have to deal with it."

They cast a glance at each other and then nodded as they accepted her orders.

"Dig further into Henry Lancaster's life," she told them, "I want to know everyone he's been in contact with and if he told them about his dealings with Shadow."

"We'll get on that first thing in the morning," Ryan told her.

She stopped her pacing and turned once again to observe the faces that were watching her. Her mother's face held worry, so did Castle's; while Ryan and Esposito had matching looks of disappointment that they couldn't give her more. She took a deep breath, winced slightly at the twinge it caused, and then released it.

"I'm fine," she told them all. "I'm just frustrated."

"We know," Ryan said, "You're not the only one."

She nodded, "I know you guys are doing everything you can; just bear with me as usual."

Esposito smirked at her playfully, "If we have to bear with you then you better talk your mom into baking us some compensation treats."

The comment made her smile slightly and she caught Johanna's eye. "I feel safe in saying that by judging the look on her face, she'll be reaching for the mixing bowl sometime in the near future."

The boys looked at her, "Don't forget to call us when it's ready."

"Any requests?" Johanna asked.

Ryan looked to Esposito, "I could go for some cookies, what about you?"

He nodded, "Cookies sound good."

Kate's mother laughed softly, "What kind?"

"Chocolate Chip," they both said at the same time.

"I think I can arrange that," she told them.

Castle looked at them and shook his head, "You two really are moochers."

"Like you're not going to be standing there with your hand out," Esposito remarked.

"I eat here all the time," he quipped, "She likes me best."

"I like you all equally," Johanna stated.

"She's just saying that to make you feel good, Castle," Ryan stated, "Because really she likes us best."

"Actually she likes me best," Kate stated, bringing about an end to their competition.

"Can't compete there," Esposito commented.

Ryan and Castle nodded in agreement and then the boys said goodnight and moved to leave.

"I'll be back," Castle said to Kate as he rose to follow them, "I'm going to walk out with them for a moment."

She waved him off as she resumed her pacing as Castle stepped into the hallway with Ryan and Esposito and shut the door behind him.

They shared a look with each other and then drifted up the hallway a few steps.

"I though you had people looking for Shadow," Castle stated in a quiet voice.

"We do," Esposito replied; "But we asked them to do it discreetly so the guy wouldn't get tipped off that we were looking for him."

"Although now, with what's happened, we're wondering if he didn't somehow catch wind of the fact that someone somewhere has been asking about him."

"So what are you going to do?" Castle asked, "We can't just stop looking for him."

"Did we say were going too?" Esposito asked.

"No, but…"

"Castle," Esposito said, "We're switching tactics."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning we already made some calls. Some of my contacts are going to apply a little more pressure in seeking out information about Shadow; any information that may give us a lead or somewhere to look; but our main game change is a contact that Ryan has, he's going to put the word out that he's looking to work with Shadow. We're hoping he'll take the bait and that we'll be able to set him up and then take him down."

"What about in the meantime while we're waiting?" Castle asked.

"In the meantime we do what Beckett says," Ryan replied, "We go back and see if we somehow missed somebody…even though we know we didn't."

He nodded, "Keep me updated."

"We will," Esposito promised.

They said their goodbyes and Castle opened the door of Kate's apartment just in time to hear her say, "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you."

"That used to be my line," Johanna retorted.

"Hey," he said, taking in the matching looks of stubbornness that both mother and daughter were wearing. "What's going on? I leave you two alone for two minutes and come back and you're fighting."

"We're not fighting," Kate said.

"Sounded like it," he replied, "Now what's going on?"

"We're going back to work tomorrow," Kate announced.

"Kate," he said.

"No, Castle, not a word. I've made up my mind; I'm going back to work. I can't keep sitting here doing nothing. I'm healed enough."

"The doctor said…" Johanna began to say.

"I don't care what he said!" Kate exclaimed, "The doctor doesn't have the problems I have to worry about! I have work to do, I don't have time to sit here waiting to be healed to his standards and you'll just have to accept that. Now go get my paperwork from wherever you hid it so I can fill it out tonight and turn it in tomorrow so I can get another car."

"Katie," she sighed, "I think…"

"No, Mother," she stated firmly.

"But…."

"Look, I know you want to take care of me and you have been; and to tell you the truth, I haven't minded having you fuss over me as much as I thought I would but it's done now. You did a great job; you're a good nurse and mother but now it's time for me to get back out there, so please, go get my paperwork because this discussion is closed."

Castle watched the varying degrees of emotion that flicked through Johanna's eyes as she internally debated the merits of arguing. He saw the reluctant acceptance of defeat cross her features before she rose from her chair and walked off towards the bedroom.

Kate shifted her gaze to Castle, "Can you pick me up in the morning?" she asked.

"Kate…."

"Castle, please don't argue with me. I know you worry but I'm fine, I'm ready to go back to work…now are you coming with me or not?"

"Of course I'm going with you," he replied as if she were crazy.

"Then you'll pick me up in the morning?" she asked.

He nodded, "I'll be here."

She smiled and then pressed a kiss against his cheek, "Thank you."

Johanna returned to the room moments later and she walked towards Kate and held the folder out to her.

"Thank you."

Her mother said nothing, just regarded her with a look that was a mixture of worry and exasperation.

Kate sighed and grabbed her mother's hand, "You knew I'd be going back to work."

"Knowing it doesn't mean I like it."

"You don't have to like it," Kate agreed, "But you're going to have to deal with it."

"Is it a crime for me to worry about you?" she retorted, a sheen of tears appearing in her eyes, "Look what happened the last time I sent you to work."

Kate softened a little; she hadn't taken into account that Johanna might be afraid to see her walk out the door.

"I'll be fine," she promised.

"I think you're rushing."

"I think you just want me to stay home with you so we can have some more mommy and me time," Kate replied lightly, hoping to ease the situation; "But we'll still have plenty of time together just like before."

Johanna bit her lip, she just didn't understand…in fact no one seemed to understand how she felt for that matter but she knew when she was beat and it would be futile to argue. She pulled her hand away from Kate's and looked to Castle.

"If she walks out the door tomorrow, I'm putting her care in your hands," she told her.

"I'll look after her," he promised.

"Don't let her over do it," Johanna demanded.

"I won't."

"Keep her at her desk as much as possible."

"As long as we don't have a case that shouldn't be a problem," he assured.

"We have a case," Kate remarked, "This one."

"But this case will probably require desk work for the time being," Castle told Johanna.

"Restrict the coffee intake."

"I'll cut her off after the first cup," he replied.

Kate rolled her eyes as her mother issued her instructions.

"And you'll call me if something is wrong?" she asked.

"I swear."

"You know, I'm not five," Kate stated.

"Humor her," Castle stage whispered.

Johanna eyed him, "Is that you're doing, Rick?" she asked, "Humoring me?"

"No!" he exclaimed, "I take you very seriously. I'd never just humor you."

"You better not."

"I swear!"

"I'm calling you every hour to check on you," Johanna said to Kate.

"It's my job to call and check on _you_."

"Well we'll just see about that, won't we?" her mother stated, her stubborn nature making itself known.

"If you drive me crazy, I'll just quit answering."

"Then I will call Rick," she retorted, "And if he doesn't answer, I'll call Ryan…Ryan and I understand each other."

"Because he fears you now," Castle stated with amusement.

"Exactly."

"It's going to be a fun day tomorrow," Kate muttered.

* * *

The next morning, Castle arrived early enough to eat breakfast with Kate and they both spent the meal trying to put Johanna at ease as her nervous energy was easily felt. Kate lingered, putting off leaving until her father arrived, as she had asked him to do the night before she had called him. Finally his knock sounded at the door and she allowed him in.

Jim didn't bother to ask her if she was sure she should be going back to work already; he knew she'd just roll her eyes and tell him she was fine. He settled instead for hugging her and telling her to be careful before moving to Johanna's side and laying a comforting hand on the small of her back.

Castle leaned close to Kate as she checked her purse for her keys and whispered in her ear, "Hug your mom before you go."

She hesitated, despite the fact that she had already hugged her mother twice before, but then she relented and moved back in her direction and wrapped her in her embrace. Johanna clung to her as tightly as she dared and after a moment that seemed all too short to her, Kate pulled away and said goodbye.

She held herself together until Jim locked the door and then she crumbled; her worries and fears getting the best of her. Jim went to her, wrapped her in his arms and held her while she got it out of her system as he murmured words of assurance in her ear.

Kate walked through the bullpen with her usual 'I mean business' stride, catching Ryan and Esposito off guard.

"What are you doing here?" Esposito asked her.

"I work here," she quipped as she dropped her stuff on her desk and then took the paperwork about her car and headed for Gates office to check in.

The boys looked to Castle in questioning of her surprise appearance.

"She said she was ready to get back to work," Castle stated.

"I thought the doctor said she should stay home a few more days," Ryan replied.

"The doctor has been over ruled."

"What about Mama Beckett?" Esposito asked.

"She lost the battle."

"No surprise there," Ryan stated.

They dropped their conversation as they heard the click of Beckett's heels against the floor as she made her way back from Gates office.

"Let's go over everything about the accident and what you've found out," she stated, "And then Castle and I will get started going back over things."

They nodded and set about giving her every detail except the plans they had made with their contacts.

She set to work with a sense of aggression but as the days passed and the leads dried up and she found herself back at square one, frustration set in.

She tired to keep from taking it home with her, but Johanna sensed it and dragged it out of her, not allowing her to keep it all bottled up inside. She shared her frustration though, because she had began digging on her own without Jim and Kate's knowledge. Whenever she found herself with time alone, she pulled out the notes she had taken from their boards and her laptop and she started her search, trying to find anything online that would tell her who was in a position of power back at the time of Pulgotti's case, or anyone that was involved with Raglan and McAllister or even Montgomery, but the search was slow moving and tedious; and she found that most online archives of newspapers didn't go back as far as she needed, which meant she couldn't even research what the media had to say about the case. A trip to the library to look it up on microfilm would be required for that, but she didn't think Kate would be willing to take her on a field trip just yet.

Every time she came up empty, unable to give Kate something new to go on, she felt herself battling those feelings of failure and depression and she forced herself to put the notebook and her laptop back on the closet shelf and temporarily stop her search and pulled herself out of a downward spiral. She wished it could be so easy for Kate as she watched her suffer through each dead end.

She found herself grateful when Kate caught a few new cases that demanded her attention; not that she wanted anyone to suffer through the tragedy of a murder, but the work helped pull her out of their case and it seemed to settle them back into the routine they had held before her accident, with the exception of the fact that Castle now met her at the apartment and rode to work with her, obviously fearful of allowing her to drive anywhere alone. Kate seemed comfortable with that new arrangement and Johanna wondered if there wasn't a part of her that was still shaken by it. If there was, she wouldn't admit to it, at least not out loud and she didn't push her too.

* * *

With Kate in and out, working her cases, Johanna found herself alone with her husband a great deal and she concentrated her energy on continuing to rebuild the foundations of their relationship. They seemed to have found themselves a little bubble of comfortable contentment that reminded her of the early days when they had been dating; like the evening they had shared the night before that caused her cheeks to warm in remembrance.

She smiled softly as she thought of how the two of them had laid on the sofa together the night before, of how intimate and romantic it had seemed; but there had been disappointment as well, as she had spent the night alone…lying awake, missing him and wanting to go to him. She glanced at her watch, wishing he'd hurry and get there as she wanted nothing more than to kiss him and sink into his arms for awhile. Johanna had no sooner had that thought when his knock came at the door and she hurried towards it to let him in.

Jim kissed her, as he did every morning when he arrived, but instead of it being the brief affair it usually was, Johanna drew it out, allowing it to linger before she wrapped her arms around him and nestled against him.

"What's this all about?" he asked lightly as he returned her embrace.

"I missed you," she whispered.

He held her tightly, pressed a kiss against her head and murmured, "I missed you too."

"I wish you would've stayed last night," she said quietly as they remained standing near the door, wrapped in each others arms.

"I know," he answered as he breathed in the scent of her perfume.

He had every intention of staying the night before as they had been having a perfectly cozy relaxing evening together. Kate had gone to bed early, tired from the sleepless nights that were catching up with her and work, leaving the two of them alone.

They found an old movie on television, turned out the lights and made themselves comfortable on the couch; of course comfortable to Johanna had meant being snug between him and the back of the sofa while she used his chest as her pillow. He hadn't minded; his fingers had sank into her dark silky hair out of reflex, threading through it and playing with it as he always had before. Her hair still wasn't as long as it had been long ago, but it was better than it had been when she first cut it. Her hair brushed past her shoulders now, the ends of it giving in to its natural inclination to curl.

He had smiled as he had fingered those loose curly tips, remembering the pictures his mother-in-law had so happily showed him of his wife from when she had been a curly haired little girl. There had been immense contentment lying there with her in the glow of the light from the television, listening to her laugh softly as they watched the movie; and their occasional conversations that they carried on in quiet voices, making every effort to keep from disturbing their sleeping daughter.

It had reminded him of a very similar night they had shared years before, a night when they had been curled up on the couch together after a long work week, his fingers in her hair, her body warm and soft against him. It had been so good to go home to her that night, and as he had laid there with her he had made up his mind, he had to marry her.

Jim had been lost in those memories when Johanna had lifted her head from his chest and caught his eye.

"_I thought you fell asleep on me," she said._

"_Why?" he asked._

"_Because I was talking to you and you weren't answering," she laughed._

_He smiled, "Sorry."_

"_What were you thinking about that had you so distracted?" Johanna inquired._

"_The same thing that has always caused me distraction," Jim answered._

"_And what would that be?"_

"_You," he whispered, tucking a lock of hair behind her hair._

"_What about me?"_

"_How much I love you," he told her._

_She smiled softly and then she kissed him, in all the ways that she shouldn't have._

That had been all it took to fan the flames that burned between them. It seemed as though the more they tried to cool off, the easier it became for them to heat up. It had almost gotten out of control as kisses became more and more passionate and hands had began to roam freely, seeking contact with skin, but something had startled her and snapped her back to reality and they had pulled apart and his plans to stay went out the window as he wouldn't have been able to keep his hands off her.

"Did you have breakfast?" she asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"No," he told her.

"I'll make you something," she told him as she pulled away from him.

He smiled at her and followed her to the kitchen, taking a seat at the table as he watched her. He had never stopped loving her; he had remained madly and deeply in love with her despite their forced separation and so it came as a surprise to him that he found himself feeling the way he had back when they were first starting out, those little jolts of realization that your heart was no longer your own but belonged to someone else. Johanna had branded his heart with her name, her smile and those green eyes he could lose himself in, many years before, and yet he couldn't help but feel like he was falling in love with her all over again.

Johanna could feel his eyes burning into her back and she smiled. She was going to surprise him today…that was as long as everything fell into place the way she hoped. She had made up her mind as she had laid awake the night before, she was tired of waiting, she was ready to throw caution to the wind, or at least her worries, and just be with him, because they weren't going to last much longer and she wanted him, wanted to be with him so badly and she was afraid that with the way things were, that if they didn't take an opportunity that presented itself that they might never get their chance.

Kate's calls had been coming in a pattern ever since she went back to work. She'd wait and see if she stuck to that pattern through the morning, and if she did, then when she made her call around 12, she would inquire if she had plans to come by at lunch time and if she did, she would discreetly persuade her not to. She was sure Kate would get the hint and that she would not only stay away during her lunch break, but that she might also delay her afternoon phone calls as well. It might cause some awkwardness between them later but she'd deal with it…it would be worth it in the long run. With Kate taken care of all she had to do was tempt her husband and that would be easy enough.

She placed his plate in front of him, poured him a cup of coffee and then took her seat across from him with a glass of iced tea and glanced at the paper as he ate. They lingered at the table as she ignored the dishes in the sink that were waiting to be washed as he inquired about Kate and discussed whatever trivial things that came to mind.

Johanna had just gotten up from the table and moved towards the refrigerator to refill her glass when her phone rang. Jim picked it up to hand it to her, expecting it to be Kate but his eye caught sight of the name flashing on the screen.

It wasn't Kate.

The name on the screen said Jack, and his heart gave a painful squeeze as his wife accepted the phone without even looking at the identity of the caller.

Who was Jack, and why was he calling his wife?

"Hello," Johanna said, expecting to hear her daughter's voice on the other end of the line.

"Meagan?" a familiar voice asked. She had discarded the name Meagan so easily that to suddenly hear it in her ear stunned her and she froze.

"Meg?" Jack asked, "Are you there?"

"Yeah," she stammered, not knowing what to do or how to react, "I'm here."

"Where are you?" he asked.

She laughed nervously, "I'm on vacation, you know that."

"You've been gone for a long time, Meg," he replied, "Know one's even heard from you; we were starting to worry."

"No need to worry about me," she answered, "I'm fine."

Jim watched her as she began to pace nervously, listening intently to every word she said, his mind racing with thoughts he didn't want to be thinking. Thoughts he had never even considered before. Who was this man? Why was he worried about her? What was he to Johanna…to his wife?

"Are you still in New York?" Jack asked.

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"What are you doing there?" he questioned, "You've dropped off the face of the earth. Carolyn says she's been emailing you and hasn't gotten any response."

"I haven't checked my email," she answered, "I've been busy."

"With what?" he asked, "I know New York is a big city but there's only so much sight seeing you can do, Meg."

She saw the tremor in her own hand as she raised it to run through her hair. "I'm with my family," she told him.

"Family? I didn't think you had any family."

She laughed nervously again; this was such a fine line to walk; she had to say something without giving up too much. "Of course I have family, doesn't everyone?"

Family? Jim thought to himself, she was visiting family? It wasn't a lie, he and Kate were her family but 'family' could be anyone and his mind had already gone to places they shouldn't have and thinking rationally had gone out the window. All he could think of was the fact that his wife was talking to some man who obviously cared enough to call and find out where she was and what she was doing…and it burned him. He wanted to grab the phone and tell this 'Jack' person that she was with her husband, where she belonged and that he had no need to be concerned for her. _He_ would be concerned for her; that was _his_ job, not the job of some unknown man from Wyoming.

"Meagan, you've never talked about any family."

"Just because I haven't talked about them doesn't mean that I don't have any," she remarked.

"I suppose that's true," he replied, "I guess when you never said anything about it I assumed that you had no one."

"I'm just a private person," she stated, trying to keep from blowing everything out of the water.

"When are you coming back?"

Her teeth sunk into her lip for a moment, "I'm not coming back any time soon."

'Anytime soon?' Jim thought, shouldn't she be saying that she'd never be going back?

"So the rumor is true?" he asked.

"What rumor?"

"That you've asked for an indefinite leave of absence," Jack answered.

"Yes, that's true," she told him, "I sent in my request a few weeks ago."

"Meagan, what the hell is going on with you?" her friend demanded to know, "You've always been reserved but this…this is beyond your normal behavior. You've been in some sort of depressed state for what seems like a year or more and you wouldn't talk about it; in fact you don't seem to talk about much. Then you go off on this vacation, by yourself…"

"You're the one who suggested that I take a vacation," she reminded him.

Now Jim was growing angry, so this Jack was in her life enough to suggest she take a trip…he didn't like this at all and he didn't like how she was acting…if he'd been thinking clearly he might have called it what it really was, but he wasn't thinking clearly and his mind saw her actions as admission of being guilty of something…and he didn't like the something he was thinking of.

"Yes, I did suggest that you get away for awhile but I didn't think you'd go off and cut off contact and never come back."

"Vacation means being away from it all," she replied, "I didn't mean to make you or Carolyn worry, I've just been busy…I'm with my family and we have a lot of catching up to do. I'm fine, really I am."

"So you're staying in New York indefinitely?" he asked, "You're going to give up your job? Something doesn't add up here."

Johanna sighed, "Look, it's personal, okay. I'm staying in New York; I don't care about my job. I need to be here."

'She 'needed' to be here,' Jim repeated in his mind, shouldn't it be 'I 'want' to be here'?

"What do you mean, you don't care about your job?" he asked her, "Meg, you're one of the best that the college has."

"Some things are more important," she replied.

Great, now he and Kate were 'things', Jim couldn't help but think, that was of course if by 'some things' she had meant the two of them.

"You're hiding something," Jack said, "Are you in some sort of trouble? Do you need help?"

"No!" she exclaimed, "I'm not any trouble, I don't need any help."

Jim couldn't stand it, now the guy must be offering assistance as if Johanna were his damsel in distress that he wanted to rescue…like he was some sort of white knight who wanted to rush to her aid. He felt as though he was about 30 seconds away from ripping the phone out of her hand.

"Are you sure?" Jack questioned.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Are you hiding something?" he asked, "I notice you ignored that part of my statement."

Nervous laughter bubbled up in her throat once more and she couldn't control it. It was as if she were stuck in some sort of twisted joke where she was confronted with the fusion of her life as Johanna and her life as Meagan. She felt sick, and she was too afraid to look at her husband's face to see his reaction to the conversation he was listening too, because she caught a glimpse of his clenched fist resting on the table from the corner of her eye, and she had a feeling that he had seen Jack's name on the phone when he had handed it to her. She could already feel the tension building in the room and she could just imagine what conclusions he was jumping to.

She had never been unfaithful to Jim, but she had a sinking feeling that as soon as she laid the phone down she'd be tried and convicted of adultery.

"What would I be hiding?" she said to Jack.

"Apparently more than we thought," Jack uttered.

This conversation was getting far too risky and it needed to end. She wasn't doing any good at shooting down suspicions. Perhaps if Jack had called when she was alone she could've handled it better, but he hadn't, and she had been caught off guard as she hadn't bothered to look at the name on the screen before she answered.

"Listen," she said, "I have to go."

"Will I hear from you sometime soon?" he inquired, "Just to let me know you're okay out there? Maybe you could call Carolyn or email her so she'll take my word for it that you're fine?"

"Yeah," she replied, "I can do that."

Her friend sighed, and she didn't know if it was with disgust or disappointment. "Bye, Meg. I hope to hear from you soon."

"Goodbye," she stated and then she disconnected the call and with a shaky hand she turned towards the counter and laid the phone down.

She kept her back to Jim and closed her eyes, feeling the intense silence filling the air. She should say something but her voice felt caught in her throat and she offered up a silent prayer instead.

"Please, God," she prayed, "Let him be calm and understanding, let him remember that he knows me, that he knows that I would never be unfaithful. Let me be wrong about what he's thinking…please let me be wrong."

She knew she wasn't though, because she could feel his gaze burning into her back and not in the way it had been earlier.

"I have just one question for you, Johanna," Jim stated, his tone firm and laced with anger.

Johanna swallowed hard, knowing that her prayer had gone unanswered. There was no point in avoiding it, she could explain, he'd calm down and he'd understand. She could handle this, and with that thought in mind, she composed herself and turned towards him, meeting his gaze which was really more of a glare.

"Who the hell is Jack?" he asked.

…to be continued


	27. Chapter 27

_Authors Note: As always, thanks for your reviews._

_For Lydia – Because when the trail gets bumpy and the horse throws me off, you pick me up, dust me off and give me a boost back into the saddle. What more could a girl ask for in a friend. You're the best :)_

Chapter 27 – Suspicious Minds

'_We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out, because I love you too much baby. Why can't you see, what you're doing to me when you don't believe a word I'm saying. We can't go on together with suspicious minds' –Elvis Presley_

Johanna heard that bubble of warm contentment they had been basking in pop as clearly as if someone had stuck a pin in a balloon. Her plans went down the drain. She hadn't done anything wrong and yet the impending accusation had her stomach tied in knots and she took a breath in hopes of easing the queasiness she suddenly felt. She stopped herself from saying 'It's not what you think it is,' for she knew that no one ever believed that statement…she hadn't believed it when Jim had said it to her years before.

"Jack is a friend," she answered instead, her tone calm, but carrying the slightest hint of a nervous tremble.

"A friend," Jim repeated his expression and voice betraying his disbelief in her answer.

She nodded in response, but said nothing more, figuring that the less said the better at the moment.

"What kind of friend?" he demanded to know.

"_Just _a friend," she told him.

He scoffed, "Like we were just friends?"

"No! Never like that," Johanna exclaimed.

"You expect me to believe that!" Jim all but yelled.

"Yes. It's the truth."

"The truth," he muttered, "We have a real good track record with the truth lately."

The remark stung but she remained silent, not wanting to make things worse.

"How long has this guy been in the picture, Johanna?"

"What does it matter?"

"I want to know," he stated.

She had a feeling the answer would only make things worse. "13 years," she told him. "We work together."

"Great," he said with a bitter laugh, "Your friend from work…because it's not like you have a history of dating your colleagues or anything."

"It isn't like that," she replied firmly. "It isn't us."

"No, it's you and Jack."

"There is no me and Jack," she retorted. "I swear, Jim, he's just a friend. There has never been anything more between us."

"How am I supposed to know that?" he asked. "How am I supposed to know what you've been doing for the past 13 years and who you've been doing it with?"

"Did you ever think about asking me!" she exclaimed, "Because I can assure you I haven't been doing _that_."

"Again, am I really supposed to believe that?"

"What, you don't think I'm capable of being just friends with a man?"

"I'm probably not the person to answer that question for you, Johanna," he replied. "After all I know what it's like to be your friend."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means!"

"Maybe I don't!" she shot back, "Maybe you need to spell it out for me."

"Don't be stupid, Johanna," he spat, "You don't need it spelled out for you, you know how it was between us, we fooled around when we were supposedly just friends!"

"Do you think I've done that with every man I've been friends with?" she asked, "Because if you do, you're sorely mistaken!"

"Maybe I am and maybe I'm not," he remarked, "Who knows what all you've hid from me."

Her temper was starting to flare and it was getting harder to maintain control of it. "You know very well that I've been friends with men before, Jim, and I didn't have affairs with them!"

"Yeah, well I didn't have to worry about those men," he shot back, "I knew them, I trusted them, They were my friends too, and they sure as hell didn't call you and ask you where you are, what you're doing, when you're coming back, are you in trouble. A man who is only a friend doesn't do that, Johanna. A man who has feelings for a woman does that."

Johanna swallowed hard, "That doesn't mean those feelings are returned."

Jim looked at her for a beat, "So you admit that he has feelings for you and that you know it?"

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did."

"I have not been unfaithful to you, Jim," she said slowly and firmly. "You know me better than that."

He looked her in the eye, "Do I? Do I still know you, Johanna? Because at the moment I don't think I do. You have this whole other life that I know nothing about, and all I have is thirteen years of lies from the person I used to trust the most."

It was like a punch in the stomach. "You know _me_," she repeated. "I'm still the person you've known for almost 40 years."

Jim shook his head, "I don't know anything about where you've been, what you've been doing and I…I just find it hard to believe you, Johanna. I just don't believe you. I can't trust you, you lied to me back then so what's to say you aren't lying to me now?" he told her as he pushed away from the table, hurt, anger and jealousy coursing through him and driving him to his feet to pace.

"I'm not lying to you! I'm still me. I'm still the woman you married."

"Can you look me in the eye and tell me he never made a pass at you?"

She could lie and say that he hadn't, but lies were how she had gotten into this mess in the first place, and besides, he wasn't going to believe her.

"I told him that I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship; that friendship was all I could accept from him."

His jaw tightened, "But he wants one."

"There's never been one."

Jim scoffed, "Come on, Johanna! This guy wants you and you're free to do as you please and you expect me to believe that you never took him up on the offer?"

"I never considered myself free," she shot back, "I'm your wife, I love _you_!"

"Love doesn't have anything to do with it!" he said angrily. "Do you find him attractive?"

"Finding someone attractive doesn't mean you have romantic feelings for them."

"So the answer is yes," he stated.

She sighed, "He's a nice looking man but I don't want him! I don't have feelings for him."

"Do you go out with him? Dinner? Lunch? A movie?"

Johanna raked a hand through her hair. She couldn't believe this was happening, just a few short hours before, she'd been counting the minutes until he would arrive, she'd been in his arms, their kiss had held love, passion, and promise. She'd been making plans to spend the afternoon locked away in her bedroom with him and now it was all shot to hell. He was actually doubting her…she couldn't believe that he was so stubbornly doubting her word and her morals.

"Well?" he demanded.

"We've had lunch and dinner together in group settings; _work _related group settings."

"And what about just the two of you?" he questioned, "Was it ever just you and Jack looking across the table at each other?"

Again there was the temptation to lie and say no, but she wouldn't. She'd be honest, because that's what he deserved even if he didn't believe her.

"Only as friends."

His heart twisted painfully again as he imagined her sitting across the table from another man, a man who obviously had feelings for her, and it just intensified his belief that she was guilty, because how could she resist?

"You've been dating him."

Her hands clenched into fists and she rolled her eyes in frustration, "I am not dating him!" she yelled.

"Is that why you're holding back with me, Johanna?" he demanded to know, "Are you being loyal to him?"

"I am not holding back with you and the only man I'm loyal to is the one I married and the last time I checked, that person was you."

Jim shook his head, "You're holding back and you know it, that's why you have your excuses."

She gave a short laugh, "So we're back to this again, are we? Let me remind you that you agreed to those 'excuses' as you call them."

"What choice do I have?" he retorted.

"So you're really going to stand here and accuse me of having an affair; you're going to chose not to believe me just because we haven't slept together yet?"

"You want the truth?" he asked.

"Why hold back now?" she replied, her own anger growing.

"I don't believe you because I can't trust you. I don't know how to tell the lies from the truth when it comes to you anymore! You wanted to be an actress when you were a kid and they should've let you do it, because you sure can fool people, Johanna. You can play the scenes, you can tell the lies, you know all the lines and you can cry on cue. You could probably play an audience better than Meryl Streep! Maybe after all of these years your true colors are starting to show!"

"Oh my god," Johanna said angrily, "I'm going to have to hit you."

* * *

"We'll take it from here," Esposito said as he and Ryan led a suspect out of an office building.

"Thanks guys," Kate said as she and Castle walked off towards her car. She pulled her phone from her pocket and leaned against the car instead of moving around to the driver's side.

"Checking in?" Castle asked as he leaned against the passenger side door.

"Yeah," she answered as she hit her mother's speed dial number and listened to the ringing of the line.

The second ring passed and Johanna didn't answer as she usually did. The third went unanswered as did the fourth and Kate pushed away from the car and hurried around to the driver's side and flung the door open.

"She's not answering," she said to Castle as he followed her lead and jumped into the car. She ended the call as it dumped to voicemail and rammed the key into the ignition.

"Don't panic," Castle said, "Maybe it's like last time," he told her; referring to the time when it had taken Johanna an usually long amount of time to answer the phone.

"God I hope so," she said as she pulled out into traffic and then hit the speed dial again before lifting the phone to her ear.

"Pick up the phone, mom," she mumbled as it hit the second ring. Her heart was in her throat, her foot heavy on the gas pedal.

Castle's eyes were glued to the speedometer, watching as the needle ticked past 35, then 40, and was now climbing towards 50.

Finally she heard the click of the line picking up and then she heard the yelling.

"_I don't care what you believe, it's the truth!" _Johanna was shouting.

"Hey!" Kate yelled into the phone, trying to get her mother's attention. "What's going on?"

Her mother didn't respond as she was obviously too caught up in her argument.

"…_Your version of the truth has a way of turning out to be lies!" _she heard her father shouting back.

She eased off her speed a little, to Castle's relief and she tried once again to get Johanna's attention focused on her and her call.

"Mother!" she yelled.

"I'll call you back!" Johanna exclaimed before the line went dead.

Kate dropped the phone onto her lap and kept driving in the direction of her apartment.

"What's going on?" Castle asked.

"They're fighting."

He nodded, "I thought I heard yelling. What's it about?"

"I don't know," she answered. "Dad's accusing her of lying about something and obviously it's getting out of control so I'm going to have to go break it up before the neighbors call the police."

"That would be interesting," Castle replied. "Can you imagine getting the call that your parents were in lockup?"

"I'd be tempted to let them there."

"It would probably cut down on your worrying."

Kate smiled, "It probably would."

He grinned, "You want me to make an anonymous call and turn them in for disturbing the peace?"

She laughed, "Don't tempt me, Castle."

She pulled up in front of the building and parked, and then slipped her phone back into her pocket.

"I'll be right back," she told him. "Call the guys and tell them we made a detour so they don't worry."

He nodded, "Let me know if you need back up."

"Or someone to place that anonymous call," she said with a laugh as she opened her door to get out.

He grinned, "Just say the word," he told her, "And I'll do it."

Kate jogged into the building and shifted anxiously for foot to foot in the elevator as it rose, carrying her to her floor. When she got to the door of her apartment she could hear the raised voices but they were slightly muffled and distant and she figured they must be in the kitchen. She quickly unlocked the door and swung it open just in time to hear her mother yell, "I'm not having an affair!"

Kate stopped in her tracks at the sound of those words and she debated slipping back out the door. Did she really want to get involved with this? The answer was no but she didn't feel she had much choice as the yelling continued on, both of them oblivious to the fact that she had even entered the apartment. She forced her feet to carry her towards the kitchen and was met with the sight of her parents facing off, barely a foot of space between them as they raged against each other.

"Hey!" Kate yelled.

They didn't even flinch. She picked up a mug and slammed it down on the counter. "Hey!" she yelled again, "That's enough!"

The yelling ceased and they turned their attention towards her.

"What the hell is going on here?" Kate asked.

"Ask your mother," Jim spat. "Ask her about her boyfriend," and then shifting his anger filled gaze back to his wife he said, "Tell her all about Jack from Wyoming."

Despite hearing her mother make the statement that she wasn't having an affair, Kate's eyes widened as she looked to Johanna. "Who the hell is Jack?"

"He's just a friend that I work with," she answered tersely.

"Must've been like déjà vu for her," Jim said sarcastically. "Work's where she found me."

"Stop it!" Johanna yelled. "You're being ridiculous!"

"Both of you stop yelling and tell me what happened," Kate stated firmly.

"Her boyfriend called to check on her," Jim supplied, "Apparently he misses her."

"It's not like that," Johanna said sharply as she locked eyes with her daughter. "He's a friend; he called because no one has heard from me since I left."

Before Kate could say anything, Jim jumped back into the conversation. "Don't you have any friends who are women?"

"Yes," she spat, "Do you have a problem with that too?"

"Then why didn't one of them call you if everyone is so concerned?" Jim questioned.

"I don't know!" she yelled, "And frankly I don't give a damn!"

"I'll tell you why!" he bellowed, "Because Mr. Jack, your attractive work friend from Wyoming is the one who's concerned! He's probably pining away for you. You should've heard that conversation, Katie," he stated. "Asking her if she's in trouble, I guess he's ready to fly out and rescue your mother like he's her white knight or something!"

"Calm down, Dad," she said as she rubbed her fingers across her forehead.

"He's twisting everything around and making it into something it's not!" Johanna stated.

Kate didn't know what to think, on one hand, she too began to wonder what had been going on in her mother's life during the past 13 years and who had been apart of it; but there was something in her eyes, something in the way she looked at her as if she were pleading for someone to believe her. Her gut told her that her mother wasn't lying, but she'd have to sit down with her later and hash it out to be sure.

"Yeah," Jim said with a bitter laugh, "I'm the one twisting things around, because it can't possibly be true that you'd do something wrong, not Johanna Beckett. She's always right, she's always innocent."

"You act like a man and woman can't be just friends," Johanna shouted, "And you know they can be, look at Katie and Rick!"

There was a moment of silence as Kate and Jim both looked at her incredulously.

"Bad example!" she yelled, as she realized that she had picked the wrong name to link to her daughter's where the merits of friendship only were concerned. If she hadn't been so flustered she wouldn't have made an error like that but she was losing control and saying the first thing that came to mind without much thought.

Kate nodded in agreement as her father found his voice once again, "You're damn right that's a bad example! The only example worse than that is us!"

"Fine, look at Katie and Ryan,' Johanna remarked, as her thought process caught up with her and provided her with the more suitable example.

"How about we leave Katie out of it," Kate suggested, but she went ignored as her enraged mother carried on her tirade in defense of herself.

"I can't even believe you have the audacity to stand here and accuse me of being unfaithful to you, when I never, ever, gave you any reason to believe that I was capable of such a thing!" Johanna exclaimed.

"That was then, Johanna," he said coolly. "Back then it was easy to trust you, you came home to me every night. I knew where you had been and what you had been doing. I don't have that luxury now."

"I've never accused you," she replied, "All those times when work took you out of town, I never questioned you; I never considered the thought that you might have someone in your hotel room. Those phases you'd go through when you'd just suddenly need to spend your weekends with your friends, I never once accused you of being somewhere you shouldn't be or with another woman. I wasn't with you every moment of every day to see the proof that you never betrayed me, and I didn't have to be with you constantly, because I trusted you. Even before we were married I trusted you; like that time when we broke up and you went out with someone else…you told me nothing happened and I took your word for it."

He scoffed, "You took my word for it," he repeated, "That sounds like a far cry from belief, but then again I guess you had to take my word for it to justify the fact that you opened the door that night and let me take you to bed."

Kate slapped a hand against her forehead, "Hey, I'm in the room."

"I took your word for it because I love you!" Johanna exclaimed. "I loved you and if you said nothing happened than that was enough for me; and if something did happen, I don't need to know now. All that mattered was the fact that you came back to me, you came to me and you told me that you loved me and that you were sorry and you wanted to work things out. That was enough for me…and it should be enough for you."

"That was different," he said sharply.

She eyed him with undisclosed fury, "Tell me, Jim, how many have there been since me? How many women have there been in the last thirteen years?"

He held her steely gaze with one of his own, "If there were any, and I'm not saying there was, that would be different."

"Because it's you?"

"Because I thought you were dead!" he yelled. "What would you have done if you had come back here and I was remarried or with someone else?" he asked. "What would you have done then?"

Tears sprang to her eyes at the mere thought of him being with someone else but she quickly blinked them back. She didn't have an answer for that, because in all honesty she tried to keep herself from ever thinking of the possibility that he had replaced her, because anytime the thought entered her mind her stomach turned.

"I'm here mourning you for thirteen years while you're out in Wyoming having dinner and whatever else with Jack!"

"I might be a lot of things," Johanna stated sharply, "But a whore isn't one of them."

Kate's gaze shot back to her father, "Did you call her a whore?"

"No!" he exclaimed. "I'd never call her that! Even if she is having an affair I wouldn't call her that!"

"Every night I spent away from you is a night I spent alone," she said; her tone low and laced with anger.

He gave a short laugh, "What can be done at night can be done in the daylight, Johanna. So why don't you tell me what you and Jack spent your lunch break doing…I know how we spent some of ours."

He went too far, her buttons were pushed to their breaking point and she snapped, her hand swinging forward with force and slapping him across his face.

It happened so quickly that although Kate had been standing near her, she hadn't been able to grab her wrist in time to keep her from connecting.

The action seemed to startle all of them and time felt like it was frozen as they all stood there together in the kitchen. Kate reached out and took hold of Johanna's wrist just in case she was tempted to get another hit in, and she reached out with her free hand and gently pushed her father back a few paces, putting much needed space between them.

She took a quick moment to study each of them, as they stood silently, their erratic breathing the only sound to be heard as they stared at each other. The emotions were wrecking havoc on her mother, her hands trembling in response. The tears were back in her eyes but she didn't allow even one to fall to express her feelings, but it wasn't like she needed too, Kate thought to herself. Johanna's expressive green eyes laid bare the emotions that were battering her soul; anger, hurt, love, anguish, desperation, remorse.

She looked to her father; his features were tight with anger, a light red mark on his cheek where Johanna had slapped him. He was in control of himself, he hadn't even allowed reflex to cause him to strike back. His blue eyes were cool and steely, full of pain and accusations, and what looked to be realization of the fact that he might've pushed his wife too far, but despite the anger, she could still see love in his gaze.

She looked back to her mother, "You can't do that again," she told her firmly.

"I didn't mean to do it this time," Johanna said; her voice tense as she struggled to keep from breaking down.

Jim scoffed lightly and Kate silenced him with a look. "Enough," she said, "You both need to calm down and cool off. Dad, you need to go home."

He wanted nothing more than to leave at that moment, but he felt his responsibility to Johanna weighing on him. She'd been left in the apartment alone before but he didn't like it and he was reluctant to go and leave her despite his rage.

"Will she be alright here on her own?" he asked Kate.

She nodded, "She'll be fine. You know that there's always a unit on the building when I'm not here, and increased patrols, along with me checking in all day."

"You'll call and check on her more often though if she's here alone, right?" he asked.

"Yes," Kate told him. "I'll check in every hour, or more if it will make you feel better."

Jim released a heavy breath and then nodded, "Alright," he conceded, "If you're sure."

"I'll be fine," Johanna stated, "Go."

"I think at the moment it would probably be best for both of you if you do go, Dad," Kate remarked.

He nodded, "Call if you need me, Katie," he said. Jim locked his gaze on his wife for a long minute and then he turned and briskly walked out the kitchen. They both flinched as the door slammed shut behind him.

Kate let go of Johanna's wrist and faced her. "Did you hurt your hand?" she asked her as Johanna began favoring it as soon as she had let go of her.

"Stings a little," she admitted.

"Are you okay?" Kate inquired.

Johanna looked at her, "I'm fine."

"No you're not."

She scoffed lightly, "Great, now you're going to call me a liar too."

She caught her gaze and held it, "Hey, I didn't cause this argument so don't take it out on me," she told her gently but firmly.

"I know!" Johanna exclaimed. "I caused it! It's my fault, I made a mess of my life and now I have to pay the consequences! I get it; I don't need everyone to keep telling me, there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't know it!"

"I didn't mean it like that," Kate said.

"Just go back to work, Kate," Johanna said as moved in the direction of the living room to let her out.

"Mother," she said with a sigh.

"Just go."

Kate gave her a stubborn look, "This is my apartment, I pay the rent, I don't have to leave unless I want to."

"I offered to pay half," Johanna reminded her, "It's not my fault you won't take it."

"I'm not going to charge my mother rent."

"Then don't throw it in my face that you're paying the bills here. It's not like I enjoy living off of you."

Kate bit back a sharp retort; her mother was in rare form and obviously not finished venting her rage. "You're not living off of me…consider it me paying you back for all the things you gave me that you didn't have to, okay?"

The comment seemed to dampen some of her steam and the sheen of tears was building in her eyes, desperate to break free but she was holding back.

"Katie, please," she said softly, her tone pleading. "Please just go back to work…I want to be alone."

"Okay," she relented as she realized that her mother wanted to have her breakdown alone this time. "I'll go but I'm going to be checking in more often."

"Text instead of calling," Johanna said.

She sighed but nodded, "Fine."

Her mother opened the door for her and avoided eye contact as she struggled to hold herself together for a few more moments. Kate moved forward, ready to step into the hallway but she held back as she glanced at her mother as she bit her lip and kept her head bent. She hadn't hugged her since that first day she had gone back to work, and as she stood there with her now, she couldn't help but feel that if there was ever a moment when her mother needed some gesture of affection it might be now. She embraced her for a long minute, hoping it might offer some small measure of comfort.

"It'll be okay," she whispered to her. "Everything will work out."

Johanna didn't respond to the statement but she managed a weary smile as Kate pulled back and moved into the hallway. She clicked the locks into place and then leaned her back against the door as the tears finally broke free, her body wracked with sobs that she struggled to keep quiet as she slid to the floor.

Why did everything always have to go so horribly wrong just when she thought she was making progress?

* * *

Kate climbed back into her car and slammed the door shut. She inserted the key in the ignition but refrained from turning it, choosing instead to lean her forehead against the steering wheel and mutter, "Why me?"

She muttered that chorus a few times before raising her head and leaning back in her seat, turning her face in the direction of her partner who was watching her with a hint of amusement in his blue eyes.

"I saw your Dad storm out of the building," he told her.

"He's probably in a hurry to go home and put some ice on his face."

"Ice?"

She nodded, "She slapped him."

Castle looked at her wide eyed, "Your mother?"

"Yes."

"Your mother slapped your father?" he said incredulously.

"Sure did," Kate replied, "Her hand's still stinging."

"I can't believe I missed that," he mumbled. "What's going on with them?"

Kate sighed and raked a hand through her hair, "He thinks she's having an affair."

Castle was silent for a moment as he tried to work that out, "With who? She's locked in your apartment 98 percent of the time."

"Jack from Wyoming," Kate told him.

"Uh oh."

"Big uh oh."

"How did Jack from Wyoming come into the picture?" Castle asked.

She released a breath and then told him about the argument she had been forced to listen to. She laughed lightly as she came to the part that contained Johanna's flustered attempt to provide an example of a friend's only relationship

"She then made the mistake of using us as an example," Kate said.

"Why was that a mistake?" Castle asked.

She looked at him as if he should already know the answer. "Because it's us, Castle."

"And?"

"And…we're not…just friends," she replied as she stared out the windshield.

He internally debated whether he should push the topic and make her give a definition of what exactly it was that they were. He had decided against rocking the boat but his mouth went against his brain and the question slipped from his lips freely.

"Than what are we?" he asked.

Kate glanced at him, "We're…us," she answered.

"What exactly is, us?" he pressed.

She was quiet for a moment as her mind worked furiously to think of a suitable classification.

"We're more than friends," she answered.

"And what does 'more than friends' mean?"

She sighed, "You know what it means."

Castle gave a slight shake of his head, "Maybe I don't."

"Castle," she said quietly, her voice betraying the fact that she didn't want to have this conversation at the moment.

"Tell me, Kate," he said firmly. "Tell me what we are."

"Do we have to do this now?" she asked.

"Yes," he said as he looked her in the eye. "If we don't and I let the topic drop we won't do it later. So what are we, Kate?"

Kate remained silent as she chewed on her bottom lip, her hand wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

He was suddenly feeling frustrated in the face of her silence and what he perceived as her unwillingness to classify them as something other than just 'more'.

"Are we friends with benefits? Friends who like each other more than they should? Friends who occasionally push the limits and than pull back? What?"

"We aren't any of that!" she said in exasperation, "We're more than any of that, we're better than those things."

"Why?"

"Because our relationship goes deeper than anything that those titles imply," Kate answered.

"But the question still remains, Kate. What are we?"

"Fine, Castle!" she exclaimed, "You want to know what we are? We are …unofficially together, okay?"

"Unofficially together," he said with a mild scoff.

"What's wrong with that?"

"It sounds like we're in middle school and you're my secret girlfriend," he remarked.

Kate rolled her eyes, "It's not like that."

"It kind of is."

"Well I hate to tell you this, Castle but even when it is official it will have to be kept from Gates because if she finds out, you'll be booted out of the precinct before you can say best selling author."

"And when do you think it'll be official?" he pushed, although his mind was screaming at him to stop.

She squeezed her forehead as if she felt a headache coming on and then glanced at him, "Rick, we talked about this, you said you wouldn't give up on me."

"I'm not giving up on you," he told her. "I'm just…looking for signs of progress."

"What? Do you think I'm leading you on?"

"Are you?" he asked holding her gaze.

"Oh my god, seriously?" she exclaimed.

Castle nodded, "Seriously."

"I am not leading you on, Castle," she said, her tone laced with tension.

"I'm just asking," he said. "You don't need to get defensive."

She gave a short laugh that had nothing to do with amusement, "You're accusing me of leading you on and yet I'm not supposed to get defensive? We are way better than we used to be, Castle! I'm giving you everything I can at the moment."

"Are you?"

She looked at him, feeling stung and hating that he probably saw the sheen of tears that she quickly blinked back, "Don't you think so? Don't you think I'm trying?"

He had to stop this, he had gotten an answer and now he had to quit pushing before he pushed too far and hurt her or made her run.

He nodded, "Yes, I know you're giving me all you can right now and that you're trying."

Her gaze dropped and silence fell between them for a long minute.

"I'm sorry I'm not fun and uncomplicated," she muttered before turning the key and starting the car, which seemed to signify the end of their conversation.

'Fun and uncomplicated?' he thought to himself, and then the memory hit him. He had said that to her while he was running around with Jacinda. He was such an ass. And then it hit him, 'It's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort.' Johanna had given him that advice…but how could she have known? All of that went down before her homecoming…unless Kate had told her.

He glanced at his silent, pensive partner. Would she have told her mother about that? She would've had to…why else would Johanna have said that to him. He ran a hand over his face, this was not good.

* * *

They didn't speak as they made their return to the precinct, tension suddenly thrumming between them as they walked side by side through the bullpen.

"Everything okay at home?" Esposito asked as they made their way past his desk.

Kate paused, "She's fine…my parents were just having an argument that was getting out of hand and I had to put a stop to it."

He nodded and looked between her and Castle, their expressions betraying the fact that all wasn't as right with them as it had been that morning.

"Did it rub off on the two of you?" Esposito asked.

"No," she said but her gaze shifted and she began to walk in the direction of her desk, "Were fine."

The Detective looked at Castle, "What did you do?"

Castle looked at the back of his retreating partner and sighed, "I pulled her pigtails too hard."

"You gotta watch that," Esposito teased lightly, "She's armed and dangerous."

He smirked and then headed towards his chair. Kate Beckett was dangerous alright; she was dangerous to his heart…his sanity…his nerves…his patience. He settled down into his chair and allowed his gaze to study the profile of her face as she sifted through the work on her desk. Her jaw was tense, her brow furrowed in concentration and he had a feeling it had nothing to do with the files in front of her. He had upset her balance, he had pushed her…and he knew how much she hated to be pushed but when the opportunity presented itself how could he not give her a shove and demand an answer? It wasn't that he minded the wait for her; he knew she was well worth it but at the same time he needed to know that she was thinking of him differently, seeing him in a different light, acknowledging that he was more than a friend and partner. He just needed to hear her say it once in awhile, he needed to know that they were still heading to the places that she subtly promised him. He felt as if they were, but he didn't like to just assume when it came to Kate. She could change her mind, she could run, she could build a new wall and he wasn't going to let those things happen if he could help it and so he refused to feel bad about pushing the topic and demanding an answer to what they were…even if the answer hadn't been entirely satisfying.

The problem at hand however, was how did he make 'fun and uncomplicated' go away? How did he take away the hurt that statement had obviously inflicted? He sighed, _'It's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort.' _He wondered if he could somehow bribe Johanna into telling him why she given him that advice, the thought was fleeting though, you didn't need to be a rocket scientist to know that Johanna wouldn't sell out her daughter…and there had been that flippant parting shot she had thrown at him when he asked her what she had meant by her advice, _'That's for you to think about'._ Well he was thinking about it now and he didn't know what to do with it. What exactly was he supposed to do in the face of that comment that had come back to haunt him?

He breathed deeply and then exhaled, his eyes still lingering on his partner. It seemed like little things like questions and petty comments had a way of creeping up on a person, they had a way of snowballing and upsetting the balance that was so hard fought for. They made things complicated…there was that word again, it was going to be everywhere now, slapping him in the face, reminding him of his behavior and yet a little part of him couldn't help whispering 'But it's true, she is complicated'; and then there were Johanna's words again, 'It's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort.' Great, now he was going to be tormented by two Beckett women. He didn't know how Jim managed. Someone should probably give the man a medal.

"What?" Kate asked, drawing him out of his thoughts.

"What?" he repeated.

"It sounded like you said something," she told him.

He shook his head, "I didn't say anything."

She eyed him suspiciously, "You sure?"

Castle nodded, "I think I would know."

She shrugged, "Sounded like you muttered something about a medal."

"You must've imagined it."

For some reason she didn't believe him but she let it drop and returned to her work. At the moment it seemed like the less conversation they had, the better off they'd be until he was over his disdain about being unofficially together.

* * *

At the end of her shift, Kate organized her desk and then picked up her coffee cup and walked towards the break room to rinse it out. Castle watched her as she walked away, and after only a moments hesitation he followed her. He didn't know what he was going to say, he wasn't even sure if he should say anything. She hadn't made many attempts at conversation throughout the day, even the lunch they had shared had been mostly quiet. Of course he hadn't made too many attempts himself. He still didn't feel that he had done anything wrong, he had a right to know, but the words 'fun and uncomplicated' kept cycling through his brain.

He entered the room and watched her as she rinsed her cup and then wiped it out with a paper towel.

"What Castle?" she asked quietly as she felt his gaze boring into her.

"You may be complicated," he said, "But you're lots of fun…when you want to be."

She shot him a look as she scoffed mildly, "Right," she said as she wondered if he really thought that statement would make her feel better about the remark.

"I'm serious," he said, "We have fun…lots of fun sometimes."

"But it doesn't make up for being complicated, does it?" she remarked.

"Kate," he said with a sigh, "I don't have a problem with you being complicated."

She rolled her eyes in disbelief.

"Okay, so I wish you were a little less complicated," he admitted, "But only because I want you to be happy…I want us to be happy," he added in a hushed tone after looking around to make sure no one was in earshot.

"I thought we were happy," she said softly. "I thought things were going well between us."

"I am happy with the way things are between us," he replied, a slight hint of exasperation in his tone. "I just wanted to know where we stand. Is that so terrible?"

"No, it's not terrible," she stated, "But I thought you already knew where we stood, we've talked about it."

"We've talked but we've never classified," Castle informed her.

"I didn't know we needed to classify, we know what we are…or at least I thought we did. I didn't realize that you thought I was leading you on, which I'm not. I'm giving you everything I feel capable of giving right now."

"I know that," he answered. He had told her that in the car, hadn't she believed him?

"But it's not enough for you?"

He released a heavy breath, "It is enough…for now," he told her. "I just…I'm looking forward to the day when we're in a place that is more than just _enough_."

"Don't you think I look forward to that day too?" she asked. "I've told you what I want, what I hope to have. Don't you believe me?"

"Of course I believe you," he replied, "I just wanted to make sure you still felt that way."

"And yet when I give you an answer that confirms that I do, you act like I've kicked your puppy or trashed your books."

"Come on, Kate," he said, "Unofficially together isn't exactly the classification men dream of."

"Maybe you're concentrating on the wrong word in that statement, Castle."

"I didn't do anything wrong in pushing you for an answer, Kate!" he exclaimed in a hushed voice.

"And I did nothing wrong when I gave you an answer!" she retorted, her tone kept at the same volume as him.

"Alright, fine," he said, "Neither one of us did anything wrong. I asked, you answered. End of story."

She bit her lip, "Don't you think I want to be better for you?" she asked, unwilling to let the topic drop just yet.

He moved closer, his hand resting on the counter next to hers, his pinky grazing against her hand. "You don't have to be anything for me except who you already are…the extraordinary K.B."

"But I want to be better, Castle," she whispered. "I want to be better for myself, and I want to be better for myself for you…because you deserve better. That's why I went back to the therapist when I came back to work after the shooting. I wanted to make myself better for you, for us, and I'm getting there. That's why I asked you not to give up on me."

"And I'm not," he said, "I'm still right here, I'm still waiting on you, although the wait has grown more pleasant," he admitted.

"Than what is so terrible about the answer I gave?"

"There's nothing terrible about it."

"Then why does it feel like you're angry with me?"

"I'm not," he answered.

She sighed, she didn't believe him. He wasn't satisfied with the answer she had given and she didn't know what to do about it. Personally, she felt that classifying them as unofficially together was a step forward, a big step forward in her way of thinking and yet his reaction only served to play upon her insecurities. All she could think of was the fact that she wasn't fun and uncomplicated like the Jacinda's of the world, not that she wanted to be like Jacinda, just the thought of that made her shudder in horror. Besides, she couldn't be like those girls even if she wanted to. She was cautious, she knew that, knew to some people that was a flaw but she was someone who liked to do things right…because if you weren't going to do it right than what was the point in doing it at all? She didn't want to make careless, stupid mistakes…she'd done enough of that already. She wanted to cement the bond, build upon it, and make it stronger little by little.

Kate Beckett just wasn't the type of woman who could close her eyes and jump without thought or strategy about where she would end up. She had been that type of person once, long ago, but that girl was for the most part gone. She was in the midst of a metamorphosis in some ways as her life had been upended and her way of thinking forced to change. She was rediscovering parts of her soul that had been closed off and locked up tight for far too long. She was rebuilding a relationship with her mother, a relationship that was different in some aspects than it had been before, because now they weren't only recovering the bond of mother and daughter, they were getting to know each other as women and learning about the woman Johanna was, helped her to understand the woman that she had came to be, and all of those discoveries only served to open the door to a wider world, a world to be shared with Castle…if only he'd continue to be patient…if he continued to think she was worth the effort.

"You okay?" Castle asked, startling her from her thoughts.

"Yeah," she said, shrugging the thoughts aside and then glancing at her watch. "I better go. I want to go check on her and then I'm going to go check on my Dad."

"Couldn't you just call him?" he asked.

"I could, but I'd rather go see him," she stated. "I want to make sure he's okay.

He thought about that for a moment, and wondered if perhaps she feared that this new upset in the lives of her parents might cause him to fall back on old habits, and if she was worried about that than he couldn't fault her for wanting to go in person.

"Do you want me to stay with your mom?" he offered; not only to ease her mind but also because that little voice in the back of his head was convincing him that he should at least try to get some type of explanation out of Johanna in regards to her 'advice'.

Kate looked at him, "Are you willing to do that?"

He looked at her oddly, "Why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged and offered no reason.

"I don't mind looking after her for you…unless you think she might hit me."

Kate gave a small smile, "I think as long as you don't accuse her of having an affair you should be safe, Castle."

"I definitely won't do that," he answered as he followed her back to her desk so she could collect her stuff. "Maybe I can cheer her up."

She gave him a skeptical look, "You can try but I doubt it will work."

"Well," he said with a raised brow, "Now you've challenged me."

"Castle, do not push her buttons in an attempt to prove me wrong," Kate told him, "Or she just might slap you too."

"I'll be subtle."

She laughed, "Good luck with that."

* * *

As soon as Kate and Castle entered her apartment, her gaze landed on her mother who was curled up in the corner of the sofa, obviously still stewing in anger as her features tense and her eyes still snapping with indignation.

She cast a look at Castle, her expression silently asking him if he really wanted to take on the task of looking after a temperamental Johanna Beckett. He gave her a barely discernable nod and small smile, accepting the task that he had volunteered for.

She walked further into the room, her attention on her mother who had yet to say anything, not even her customary greeting of 'How was your day'.

"You okay?" Kate asked her.

"Just peachy," Johanna replied. "How about you?"

Kate bit back a smile, there was nothing like sarcasm from her mother. "I'm okay," she told her. "How's your hand, does it still hurt?"

She shook her head, "No, I put some ice on it; it feels better now."

"Good," Kate said, because in all honesty she didn't know what the appropriate response was when inquiring after an injury that was sustained when your mother slapped your father. What did you say that? She couldn't condone it or let it happen again, and yet she couldn't chasten her for it, because in some ways she was justified in slapping him, he had been relentless in his accusations. She snuck a glance at Castle and saw him struggling not to smile as he watched her mother absentmindedly rub the hand that had struck the blow.

"It hurt but it was worth it," Johanna stated as she looked down at her hands.

"I thought you said you didn't mean to do it?" Kate replied.

"I didn't," she answered. "It happened without thought, but once you were both gone and I had time to think about it I decided that it wasn't such a bad thing to do. He had it coming for insinuating such things about me! How can he stand there and act I've been off behaving like a whore just because I was on my own? I've never been like that in all my life! Why would I start now?"

Kate wasn't going to argue about it with her, she had a point after all and so she nodded in acceptance of her words and held up a hand, "Alright," she told her, "Don't get yourself all worked up again."

"What do you mean again?" Johanna asked; it wasn't like she had stopped being angry at some point in the day.

"Just try to calm down," Kate told her. "We'll get things sorted out."

Johanna didn't look like she believed her but she fell silent, shoving down the torrent of emotion she felt festering inside.

"Listen, I have to go do something," Kate told her, "But Castle is going to stay here with you until I get back…is that okay with you?"

"I don't care," she answered.

"Okay then," Kate said, "I guess that settles it. I shouldn't be long," she told them and then turning to Castle she said, "You might want to keep your distance just in case she gets the urge to hit someone again."

He smiled, "We'll be fine."

She nodded and then moved back towards the door, Castle trailing behind her to lock it after she was gone.

"Give my regards to your father," Johanna called out behind her.

Kate grinned, she never could get anything past her mother and then turned back to face her, "I have a feeling I probably shouldn't do that."

"Make sure you tell him you've left me un-chaperoned with a man," she told her.

Castle looked at Kate, "Don't tell him that," he said, "I don't want your father coming after me."

She laughed, "Don't worry, if he doesn't ask, I won't tell."

"Good luck," Castle whispered to her as she stepped into the hallway.

"You too. Call if you need me to come back sooner."

He locked the door behind her and then moved back into the room with Johanna. She radiated anger and frustration, and there were vestiges of despair in her eyes as she looked at him. He took a seat in the chair and opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off before he even got a word out.

"Don't ask me if I'm okay," she told him, "Because I'm not. I'm not okay with the fact that my husband thinks I'm an adulteress."

He nodded, he had been about to ask her if she was alright even though it was a stupid question to ask, because of course she wasn't alright. A person who was innocent of the crime they were being accused of was never okay, and he didn't doubt for a moment that Johanna was innocent. She was too in love with her husband to seek the company of another man despite the circumstances. She wasn't that type of woman.

"Jim will come around," he told her instead.

"I believe the last time we had a conversation like this, you told me that Kate would come around."

"And she has," he said with a smile, "So you see I was right, and I'm certain that I'm right about Jim. He loves you, he'll cool off and the two of you will work it out."

There was a glimmer of tears in her eyes but she blinked them away, "I hope you're right…again."

"I'm rarely ever wrong," he told her.

A light smile came to her lips, "That's not what Katie says."

"Well of course not," he replied teasingly. "She has to make herself look good in those stories she tells you."

"If that's what you want to tell yourself," she remarked lightly.

It grew quiet for several minutes and then he looked at her, "Can I ask you something?"

"Depends on what it is," Johanna told him.

"It's about that advice you gave me," he told her, "You know, about the complicated ones being worth the time and effort."

She nodded, "I remember."

"What did you mean by that?" he asked.

"That's for you to think about."

Castle sighed, "I am thinking about it," he replied, "But I want to know why you gave me that advice."

"Because I thought it was advice you could use," Johanna answered.

"But why?"

She smirked, "Aren't you a little old to be in your 'why' phase?"

He smiled, "I'm afraid I never outgrew that one."

"I'll be sure to be more sympathetic to Katie in that case."

"Speaking of Kate…did she happen to say something that led to you giving me that piece of advice?"

Johanna regarded him with a raised brow, "If she did, and I'm not saying that she did, do you really think I'd tell you?"

He shrugged, "You might…if you wanted to."

"Rick, if my daughter told me something in confidence; and again I'm not saying that she did; I wouldn't tell you. I've finally got both feet planted on the line I walk with her. I have balance with her, and I wouldn't screw that up for anyone in the world. Even if we didn't have issues, I wouldn't betray her trust."

He knew that, he knew it was a waste of time to try and wheedle information out of Johanna. He could however try a different tactic.

"She is complicated you know."

Johanna looked him in the eye. "That's not her fault. You can't put a complicated woman with a complicated man and have them produce an uncomplicated child. It's in her genes to be complicated; she can't help it."

"I think she could probably help some of it."

"How do you know? Are you inside her brain? Do you know how she feels about herself or what doubts and insecurities she might have?"

"I think I do."

She shook her head, "You don't. No man ever knows every little thing that goes on inside a woman's head or in her heart, no matter how well you know her."

"Are you saying that Jim doesn't know your insecurities, or what goes on inside your head?"

"You're missing the point, Rick," Johanna stated. "I'm not saying that Jim doesn't know me, I'm not saying that you don't know Kate. I'm saying that you can't know everything because there are some things that we never reveal. Some things are solely ours, like the depths of our insecurities…men can't always measure those things, that's why they so easily brush them aside or skim across them, thinking that they should easily be solved with a word to the contrary or a gift to lift the spirits, or whatever else is deemed appropriate to the situation but it's not that easy."

This wasn't going the way he had hoped. She was trying to tie him up with some sort of motherly logic.

"You're not helping me at all," he muttered.

"What is it that you want me to do?" she asked.

"Tell me how to fix it."

"Rick, I can't fix my own problems at the moment. How am I supposed to fix yours?"

"You're the one who gave me the advice."

"That doesn't mean I can give you the answers."

"Why do I have a feeling you wouldn't give me the answer even if you knew it?" he asked.

"Because I wouldn't," she confirmed. "You have to find the answers on your own."

That's what he was afraid of. "Any other advice you want to impart?" he asked.

She smiled slightly, "Sometimes complicated people need to know they're worth the effort."

"Do you have anything in your repertoire that doesn't involve the word 'complicated'?" he asked.

Johanna shrugged, "Complicated is about all I know lately, but I can try and think of something else."

"Something helpful," he suggested.

She was silent for a long time and then she glanced at him, "Sorry, Rick, I don't have anything for you tonight. I'm afraid the only words I can think of have nothing to do with you and Katie…and they're not pretty…and as my mother-in-law would say, they aren't very ladylike either."

"I understand," he said. "It's a bad time. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault; I welcome the distraction."

"I'm sure it's no consolation but I don't believe for a moment that you had an affair."

She gave a small smile, "You want to tell my husband that? He doesn't seem to take my word for it."

"I would," he said, "But I don't think Jim would take kindly to a man advocating on your behalf at the moment."

"Probably not," she murmured as the weight of the world pressed down on her once again.

"It'll be okay," he assured her.

"I'm not so sure about that," she answered. She wasn't sure if anything would ever be alright again, how could it be if he didn't trust her? What kind of life could they rebuild together if there were suspicions between them? Was this reunion with him just a tease, had she come home only to end up losing him again; losing him for something she didn't even do? She couldn't stand the thought that it might end this way, and she couldn't help but be angry that he so hastily accused her without any hard evidence to support his claim. She would've never done that to him.

* * *

Jim opened his front door and found his daughter standing on the porch. She gave him a small smile and despite the turmoil in his mind, he managed to give a half hearted attempt to return it.

"What are you doing here, Katie?" he asked quietly as he pushed open the screen door.

"I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay," she said as she stepped inside.

"I'm as fine as I can be," he told her, "You should be home with your mother."

"Castle's with her," she said, and then catching his eye she said light heartedly, "You're okay with that, right?"

He smirked at her, "I don't think I have to worry about Rick," he told her. "He's after the other woman in my life. Besides, your mother has him pegged as her future son-in-law."

"Let's not talk about that," Kate said as she followed him to the kitchen, not wanting to add to the bundle of feelings she had in regards to the conversation she and Castle had about the status of their relationship earlier in the day.

"Coffee?" her father asked.

"Yeah," she answered as took a seat at the table where his own mug of coffee rested next to his closed laptop.

He poured her coffee and set the cup in front of her and then joined her at the table. They were quiet for a long moment and then Kate took it upon herself to break the silence.

"How's your face?" she asked, eyeing the faint red mark that was still lingering on his cheek.

His fingertips grazed across the spot absentmindedly, "Didn't hurt," he proclaimed.

Kate smiled and shook her head, "Men. You never want to admit it."

"What?" he said, "It didn't, it was barely a tap."

She laughed lightly, "She hurt her hand doing that and you still have a mark so I highly doubt that it didn't hurt."

He smirked, "It's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed her to that point."

"So you think you might have over reacted a little?" she questioned gently.

Jim's fingers curled into a fist, "I don't know what to think."

Kate caught his eye and held his gaze. "Dad, you don't really think she did this, do you?"

"I think it's a very real possibility," he stated even though it made him feel sick to think that it could really be true. "She's been out there in Wyoming on her own for the past 13 years doing god knows what and I see this guy's name on her phone and I hear this conversation and I…I just can't help but think the worst."

"What was said during this phone call that has you so convinced that this is something more than a friendship?" Kate asked. "I still haven't gotten the story on that because the two of you were too busy yelling at each other and I haven't talked to her about it yet."

He sighed heavily and then told her about the phone call that Johanna had received and the portion of the argument she hadn't been privy too. She listened carefully, weighing the evidence. She had a feeling that he may have read into things too much, and that in the course of their argument, her mother had tried to give completely honest answers to every question he asked and had in turn only dug herself further into the hole.

"How can I hear that call and those answers to my questions and not think she's guilty of something?" Jim asked, bringing her out of her thoughts.

She couldn't blame him for jumping to conclusions in the heat of the moment, she supposed that anyone would given the circumstances but he needed to be the reasonable rational man she knew him to be. He needed to remember the facts, and right now he didn't seem able or willing to, he was too busy convincing himself that Johanna might have betrayed him in a far worse way than he had thought.

"Because you know her," Kate stated. "You know her heart and that she loves you…only you. I really don't see her doing this. I can't even fathom that she would have an affair. She's just not that type of person, Dad."

"How do we know?" Jim asked as he looked at her. "You told me awhile back that we didn't know her anymore, maybe you're right. Maybe we don't know who she is now."

"I was angry when we had that talk," Kate stated. "I hadn't even had a conversation with her at that point. I'm not saying that she hasn't changed in some ways, because she has but not…morally."

"But she practically admitted that this Jack wants her," he spat.

"Are you surprised that someone else wants her?"

He looked at her as if she were crazy, "Of course not! Your mother is a beautiful woman, Katie."

"I know that," she answered.

"She's intelligent and witty and warm and compassionate…and a million other things. What man in his right mind wouldn't want her?"

"Just because someone wants her doesn't mean that they've had her."

"Doesn't mean that they haven't either."

Kate smiled softly, "Dad, she's not Cher, she's not Madonna; this is mom we're talking about. This is Johanna Beckett, who only has eyes for you. The only man besides you I ever heard her swoon over is Pierce Brosnan, and I doubt that he's living in Wyoming and going by the name Jack."

Jim shrugged, "You never know, he might be. We never thought your mother was out there going by the name Meagan."

She closed her eyes for a moment and forced herself not to grab him and shake him. "Well if Jack really is Pierce Brosnan, than I'd have to give her a free pass on that one," she quipped.

"Not funny, Katie," he replied. "I don't give a damn who Jack is, he can't have her. She's mine. I found her; I tormented her for three years and I married her. She belongs to me!"

She couldn't help but chuckle lightly because she couldn't recall ever seeing her father worked up in a jealous frenzy. "I know that," she said, "And I'm sure mom knows it too."

"Yeah, well Jack needs to know it!" he exclaimed. "I want to talk to Jack. I want to set him straight on a few things, like the fact that I'll worry about my wife and he can mind his own damn business."

"He doesn't know that she's your wife, and she can't tell him right now, Dad."

"I don't want her to tell him. I don't want her talking to him at all. I'll inform him of her marital status…and a few other things."

Her gaze fell to his laptop and her lips tugged upward, "I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that you've spent the afternoon trying to find Jack online," she said as she lightly tapped a finger against the laptop.

"So what if I have?" he said, "Do you have a problem with trying to find out what kind of character has designs on your mother."

Kate shook her head and decided to play along, "No, not at all. You're her husband; it's probably your duty to Google the people in her life."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No," she said as she choked back a laugh. "Did you have any luck?"

"No," Jim said, "I don't know his last name and there's too damn many Jack's in Wyoming. I'm not even sure which part of the state she was in, or which college she taught at…do you?"

"No, we don't talk about Wyoming," she admitted, "That was in our peace treaty agreement."

He nodded, "Well you know what you need to do don't you?"

"No, what?"

"When she's in the shower, you get into her phone and find out his last name and phone number and then you text the information to me," he told her.

She laughed, "I'm not going to do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because giving you this guy's phone number would not be a good thing."

"Fine," Jim conceded, "Then you get the information and when you go to work in the morning you run him through your computer and find out what this guy is about and then you let me know."

"I'm not going to do that either."

"Come on, Katie!" he exclaimed, "What's the fun in having a daughter who's a cop if she won't do you a favor once in awhile."

"Well I've been told that I'm not fun," she stated, Castle's 'fun and uncomplicated' quote running through her mind.

"Whoever said that was a liar," Jim stated.

She smiled, "Thanks, Dad."

He returned her smile and took her hand, "So now that you're feeling grateful, you'll do your father a favor, won't you?" he asked.

"I am not going to invade her privacy by going through her phone," Kate told him.

Jim sighed, "Fine, then ask her what his name is. She'll tell you, I know she will."

"You already know his name," Kate said.

"I want a last name to go with it!"

"Because that will make Googling him much easier, won't it?"

"There's no law against looking someone up on Google," Jim remarked, and then after a beat of silence he added, "Did you know that Wyoming is the least populated state in the nation?"

She looked at him oddly and then it clicked into place that he must've been looking up the state of Wyoming too, "I think I remember being taught that in school."

"There's probably a shortage of women out there," he commented, "And they all think they can have mine."

She covered her face with her hands for a moment so he wouldn't see her biting back another laugh and smile. She knew this was serious but it was somewhat amusing all at the same time.

"It's Wyoming, Dad, not Desperate Housewives."

"How do we know what they do in Wyoming?" he asked.

"I figure they don't do anything there that we don't do here in New York," she replied.

"There's a comforting thought," he said, his tone carrying a hint of sarcasm.

She took his hand again, "Listen," she said seriously, "She came home to us, to you. Mom is in love with you, she always has been and I don't see anyone else getting in the way of that or changing it. You don't see the things that I see after you leave every night; you don't hear her cry because she wants to go home with you, but I do. She wants to be here in this house with you, permanently. I see the way she looks at you; I see how badly she wants everything to be good between the two of you again. I see how she hurts to still be separated from you in some ways. Jack might want her, but he doesn't stand a chance, and I highly doubt that he ever did."

"I wish I could be as sure of that as you," he said quietly.

She wasn't going to get through to him tonight and she accepted the defeat. She couldn't push him when he was immovable.

"Are you going to disappear on us again, like you did last time?" she asked him, "Because I really don't like for her to be alone too much; if you have a job to do or something that's one thing and it's understandable that sometime's she has to be left on her own but I worry less when I know you're there."

Jim shook his head, "No, I'm not going to let her be there alone," he told her. "I'll be there tomorrow but I'm not ready to talk to her about this…and I think you should make that clear to her."

Kate sighed, "I really don't want to be put in the middle," she stated, "You send her a text and tell her yourself. I'm not going to do it for you."

"Fine."

"She'll probably be agreeable to the idea," Kate told him. "She's pretty mad; I doubt she wants to talk to you either."

"Good."

She rose from her chair and he followed her lead and did the same, ready to follow her back to the door. The same small smile she had greeted him with appeared on her lips once again and she stepped forward and hugged him.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too," he replied, holding on to her tightly, soaking up the comfort his daughter offered.

"Try and relax," she told him once she pulled away. "Maybe things will look different in the morning after you've slept on it and cooled off the rest of the way."

He looked skeptical but he nodded as if he believed her and then he walked her to the door and told her to be careful and to call and let him know she got home safely.

* * *

Outside the door of her apartment, Kate pulled out her phone and texted her father; letting him know that she had gotten home safely. She then unlocked the door and went inside. Her eyes automatically sought out her mother who was still perched in the corner of the sofa. She studied her expression, gauging what her state of mind was now and she found her to still show signs of being upset and pensive but she appeared a bit more relaxed. Obviously Castle had worked his charm with conversation and had mellowed her a bit.

"Everything okay?" she asked out of habit.

"Everything's been fine," Castle supplied.

"How did it go with your father?" Johanna asked.

She gave her a bit of a sympathetic look, "He's still angry," she told her, "But he's okay…unless Jack would take it into his head to come to New York and find you…because then he might go off the rails and hurt somebody."

"I don't think you have to worry about that," Johanna replied.

"I hope not," Kate said, "I'd hate to have to arrest my own father."

"That would suck," Castle chimed in.

"Majorly."

"Does he really still believe that I did this?" Johanna questioned as she had been harboring a small glimmer of hope that Kate would return and tell her that he had come to his senses.

"He seems to still be leaning towards the belief that you did, but maybe when he cools off he'll feel differently."

Johanna felt skeptical about that, and couldn't find it within herself to muster much optimism at the moment. She pushed herself off the sofa, "I'm going to get a glass of wine, anyone else want one?"

"No, I better get going," Castle announced as he rose from his chair.

"Goodnight, Rick," she told him.

"Goodnight."

"I'll be back in a minute," Kate told her as she moved to walk Castle out.

They stepped into the hallway and Kate suddenly felt awkward.

"How did it really go with your Dad?" he asked as if sensing her hesitation to air whatever was on her mind.

"It was fine," she answered. "We didn't argue or anything. He's too busy being mad at her and trying to Google Jack in Wyoming.

He gave a short laugh, "Really?"

She nodded, "He also informed me that Wyoming is the least populated state in the union and that they probably have a shortage of women so they think they can have his. He's very jealous and very possessive."

He smiled, poor Jim, he thought to himself as he imagined him trying to find the man he thought was stealing his wife from him.

"Your Dad didn't seem like the jealous rage type," he commented.

"When it comes to her, all bets are off. How was she while I was gone?"

"It's obvious that she's upset but she was okay. I tried to keep her distracted with small talk about the books."

She nodded, "Thanks for staying with her."

"No problem."

Kate shifted from foot to foot for a moment and then looked at him, "Castle, are we okay?"

"We're fine," he answered.

"It doesn't really feel like it," she admitted.

He brushed a hand along her arm, "We're fine."

She had her doubts about that but he didn't seem willing to discuss it further and she didn't know what more to say even if he did. A part of her just wanted to wrap her arms around him and bury herself in his embrace until she was sure they were fine, but she didn't out of fear of being rebuffed.

"I better go and see what Mother and Alexis are up to and let you tend to your mom…because I think she needs you."

Kate nodded, "See you tomorrow?" she asked.

And just like that she was back to making that phrase into a question instead of a confirmed statement.

Castle gave her a small tight smile, "See you tomorrow."

She watched him walk away; trying not to feel chastened by the fact that he hadn't kissed her goodbye as he had been making a habit of. She pushed away her disappointment and retreated back inside.

* * *

Kate walked into the kitchen and took a wine glass from the cupboard, and then she turned to the table and picked up the bottle Johanna had opened earlier and filled her glass. She glanced at her mother, whose gaze was trained upon her own glass as she swirled the red liquid around.

"Don't we have anything better than wine?" she muttered.

"Afraid not," Kate told her as she sat down across from her.

"That figures," Johanna said quietly, "It's just that kind of day."

Kate shifted in her chair and then she decided it was best just to get on with it. "Look, I know the topic of your…sex life is an uncomfortable topic for us to talk about but…"

"Talking about my sex life would imply that I have one!" Johanna exclaimed; cutting her off before she could finish her statement. "And I can assure everyone that I most definitely do not have one!"

Kate cringed and then took a long sip of her wine, "But you have…Dad and we talked about…privacy and…"

"I told you then that nothing happened."

"I know you did, but I told you that it was okay…if it happened. I figured by now you had caught on to my pattern of phone calls…the two of you seemed…cozy," she said for lack of better words.

"Yeah, we were cozy…but not because of _that_."

God she hated this conversation already and she hated herself for asking the question on the tip of her tongue but she did it anyway. "Why not?"

Johanna frowned at the contents in her glass, obviously still wishing that it was something stronger and then she took a drink before forcing herself to meet her daughter's eye, "At first it was because this is not the place for it."

"But you changed your mind?" Kate prompted as she slowly pieced it together.

She lowered her gaze but she nodded in response.

"So what happened?"

Johanna picked up her phone and waved it at her. She wasn't sure if she should assume so she thought it would be better to ask.

"Was it me?"

"I wish."

"So it was this morning, it was Jack."

"Yeah."

They had been in the kitchen when she got there to break up their fight, but she couldn't help but wonder if the call had came in during a heated moment that was leading somewhere.

"Did this call interrupt…something?"

"No!" Johanna exclaimed, "God that would've been even worse."

Kate thought that maybe she was starting to get the picture here, the coziness she had remarked upon earlier had apparently set the stage for her mother's change of mind set…and apparently she had had plans for the day and Jack had sent it all to hell in a hand basket with his ill timed phone call.

"You want to tell me about this guy?" she asked her.

"There's nothing to tell," Johanna stated as she looked her in the eye. "He is a friend and only a friend."

"Dad says that Jack has feelings for you."

"I have never returned those feelings and I've told Jack that I do not want a romantic relationship with him or anyone else."

"Why did you even tell Dad about that anyway?" Kate asked, "You just made yourself seem even more guilty."

"I am not guilty!" Johanna yelled as she slammed her fist against the table. "He asked the questions and I gave him honest answers."

"Answers that did nothing to convince him that you were telling the truth; I mean can you blame him for jumping to conclusions?"

"He knows me; he should know that I wouldn't do anything like that."

"But he has his point too," Kate stated, "We don't know what you've been doing for the last decade, you were living a new life, you were free to do what you wanted. You weren't supposed to come back here and see us again, why wouldn't you want the company of someone who cares about you."

She was growing angry again, "First of all, I never allowed myself to accept the belief that I would never see the two of you again. I have always held out hope that I would someday, somehow get back here where I belong and I have, and while I was waiting for that day to come, I waited alone. I never considered myself free, I took my wedding vows seriously; they weren't just words I spouted in front of a preacher in a church. They were an oath, a promise. I said until death do us part, and death did not part us, although it was made to seem as though it had, but in my heart and my mind I have always been a married woman, and I would never even consider the thought of betraying my husband more than I already had been forced to," she said sharply. "And secondly, if either one of you want to know about my life and what I've been doing with it, then open your mouths and ask me! I don't have anything to hide, I'll tell you anything you want to know…but the problem is neither one of you _want_ to know, and I'm too afraid to say anything about it in fear of alienating one or both of you so I just have to sit here and keep everything buried and allow both of you to accuse me of things I'm not guilty of because neither one of you wants to listen."

She had a point, Kate thought, but in a way it still felt unfair. "Can you blame us?" she asked her. "Why would we want to know about how you carried on while we crumbled?"

Johanna's throat was tight with sobs she forced herself to hold back because she was tired of being the one to break; she was tired of being stepped on and hurt, especially when she thought they were all moving towards a better place.

"Maybe if you knew about the so called life I had to live, you'd realize that I suffered and crumbled too. Maybe you'd see that I didn't just carry on…because I didn't. I went through the motions but I didn't just move on. I couldn't even if I had wanted to."

Kate watched her as she struggled to remain in control. She was trying so hard to keep from cracking and dissolving into an emotional mess, but her voice betrayed her, as did her hands, they were trembling again and Kate reached across the table and took one in her own. Surprisingly, Johanna tried to pull away but Kate didn't allow her to as she tightened her grip and kept her mother's hand trapped against her own.

"Instead of keeping everything inside," Kate said softly, "Maybe you should just make us listen like you used to."

"It's not that easy," Johanna replied, "Back then I didn't have anything to lose…now I stand the chance of being told to go to hell and being walked out on. I guess the only upside of that is that I've already been to hell, so it wouldn't be some place new but I'd rather not go back just the same."

"I'm not saying that it would be easy for us to hear, but I think at this point the risk of being told to go to hell is relatively low."

Johanna caught her gaze and held it, "I didn't have an affair, Katie. I swear on my mother's grave I didn't," she said quietly but firmly, turning the conversation back to its original focal point.

"You weren't tempted?" she asked her.

"No," she replied. "I was never tempted, not by Jack, not by anyone. There's only one man that I want and I'm married to him."

"I believe you," Kate said as she looked her in the eye.

"Do you?" she asked.

She nodded, "Yes. I don't believe that Jack is anything more than what you say."

"Thank you," she said and then with a sigh she added, "Why couldn't he have called when I was alone? Or when you were here? Why did he have to call me at all? He ruined everything."

"It's not his fault," she answered, "He doesn't know."

Johanna looked at her as she rubbed her temples, "Can't you just let me hate him a little for the moment? You won't let me slap your father again, and I'm tired of beating myself up, so just let me hate Jack tonight, okay?"

"Okay," she told her. "You can hate Jack…Dad hates him…I think I dislike him too, just for the fact that he's upset the balance that seemed to be building around here."

"Yeah, the scale is definitely unbalanced now, and I don't know how to fix it, because Jim is going to be stubborn and he's not going to listen."

They were quiet as Kate reflected upon the conversation, "Thirteen years is a long time," she stated and it was obvious to both of them just how she meant that comment.

"I know!" Johanna exclaimed without meaning to, "Believe me, I know!"

"And were back to cringing," Kate said as she raised her glass and took a drink, her mother doing the same.

"You're the one who brought it up."

"I know," Kate said, "And I'm sorry I did…and I'm sorry for what I'm going to say next."

"Oh god, do I want to know?" Johanna mumbled.

She laughed, "You probably already know but I may as well say it anyway."

Her mother looked at her, "Must you?"

"Yeah," Kate said, "You're going to have to do something about…_it_."

Johanna put her head down on the table, "Why don't you take your own advice, and go do something about…your intense hand holding sessions."

Kate groaned, "Do not even go there, we had our 'what are we' conversation this morning and I don't think it went well."

Her mother's head lifted, "Oh yeah? So what are you?"

"Really?" Kate said, "You too?"

"Why should I be the only one to suffer here," Johanna replied, "I like talking about your issues better than mine."

Kate sighed, "I told him we were unofficially together."

She smiled, "How did he take that?"

"Not well," she answered and then she unburdened herself to her mother about the conversation and how she felt about it.

"I just feel like I'm giving all I can at the moment, which is a lot more than it was and I just…"

"Want to be given credit for that?" Johanna asked.

"Is that a bad thing?" Kate asked her.

"No, I don't think so," she replied, "But men think differently than we do; you give a little and they want more and if you're not ready, they get impatient."

"I want more," Kate said, "I've told him as much, but I don't want to rush things, I don't want to just do something for the sake of doing it. I want it to be right, I don't want there to be regrets and I don't want to have my plate as full as it is right now. When we get further I want to be able to give it my full attention, and I thought he understood that. I thought he understood that I want the same things he does, but that it's going to take a little time as we navigate moving beyond what we are...or were. Am I wrong for that?"

"No," Johanna said softly. "It's not wrong for you to want to do it right, and in my opinion you're giving him all the right signs that say you're open to progress and moving forward, but that doesn't mean that he isn't going to get impatient from time to time while you two navigate new territory."

"So what do I do?" she asked.

"I guess every once in awhile you have to think of a way to show him that you still have the same goal in mind that he does."

"How?"

Johanna turned her palms over in a defeated motion, "I don't know…I don't know how to fix my own problems at the moment."

Kate nodded, "Why does it have to be so complicated?"

"Because men are stupid," Johanna stated.

She laughed softly, "Can't argue with that."

"It just goes to prove that God really is a man," her mother said as she picked up her wine glass to take another drink.

"What?" Kate laughed.

Johanna smiled, "You know how there are some people out there who like to say that God is a woman."

She nodded in response. "Well we know that can't be true," Johanna stated, "Because if god was a woman, she either would've made men more understanding or she would've thought up something better for us to spend our lives with."

Kate laughed, "I have to share that theory with Lanie."

"I bet she'll agree," Johanna said as she looked down at her glass. "I'd kill for a margarita…or a cosmo."

"Well it's too late to go out tonight," Kate told her, "But if things don't straighten out soon, we'll schedule a little trip out to get one."

"You may as well go ahead and pencil it into your schedule," Johanna remarked, "This isn't going to straighten out anytime soon."

Her daughter smiled sympathetically, "You still have me."

She smiled and felt a small measure of the weight lift off her heart. "Thank god."

* * *

Later that evening Castle stood at the window staring out into the darkness as a storm brewed. The claps of thunder were coming closer together now, the lighting flashing at regular intervals as the rain picked up it's pace.

"What's on your mind tonight, kiddo?" Martha asked quietly as she joined him.

He looked at her, his expression telling her that the answer should be obvious as it was always usually the same.

"I see," Martha said as she studied him. "Did you and Kate have a falling out?"

"Not exactly."

She smiled slightly, a hint of a sparkle in her blue eyes, "What has she done now?" she inquired lightly.

He took a breath and then told her about their conversations and the classification of their relationship.

"What's wrong with unofficially together?" Martha asked.

"I don't know!" he exclaimed. "There's just something about it…I don't know what it is or how to explain it."

"I think it's the 'unofficial' part that bothers you," she remarked.

"Is that wrong?"

"No, but I think you're concentrating too much upon that word and it's diluting the meaning of other word in that phrase."

"How can I not concentrate on it?" he asked, ignoring the second half of her statement. "It sounded so…middle schoolish. Like were 12 and don't want the other kids to know we like each other."

Martha chuckled, "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that darling."

"But doesn't it sound that way?"

"It could be taken that way," she agreed, "But it's not like you've never said anything that sounded adolescent and meant it in an entirely different way."

"Mother," he sighed.

"Richard, maybe you should think about the word 'together'. She said you were together."

"Unofficially."

"Together, Richard," she said firmly. "She's admitted that in her mind the two of you are together."

He thought about that for awhile as the rain pounded against the glass and the thunder rumbled and then he turned towards his mother. "I guess that is _something_."

"Of course it is. That's progress, darling. A few months ago she most likely wouldn't have said that."

"She wasn't ready then."

"But she's getting there now," Martha commented; "So instead of being bothered by being unofficial, perhaps you should increase your efforts."

"Increase my efforts?"

"You can't leave it all up to Kate," Martha said, "You can't expect her to progress all on her own. You need to keep helping her along."

"Meaning?"

She sighed as if he were somewhat dense, "Romance her, Richard. Make more of an effort in that department."

"Romance her," he repeated, more to himself than his mother.

"Now don't go overboard all at once," Martha cautioned as she saw the wheels beginning to turn in his head. "Start with small gestures and work your way up."

Castle smiled and then kissed her cheek, "Thank you, Mother."

She returned his smile and patted his arm, "Anytime kiddo."

Suddenly things looked better. He'd romance her, subtly as not to cause alarm or to seem or feel pushy. He'd show her that she was worth his time and effort, despite that pesky business of being complicated.

* * *

"So this is what we've become," Johanna commented, "Here we are, eating ice cream directly out of the carton, staring at phones that don't ring when you want them to and worrying about what the men in our lives think of us."

Kate nodded as the storm raged while David Letterman made jokes about some disgraced politician on the TV screen. "This what we've become," she agreed, her spoon clicking against her mother's as they both dug into the carton of vanilla ice cream they were sharing.

Johanna saw Kate glance at her phone once again and she knew that she was troubled by the fact that Rick had missed their usual 11:00 phone call to say goodnight.

"Why don't you just call him?" she asked.

"I don't know," she replied, "Probably because I'd be calling to ask the same thing I already asked him."

"There's no law that says you can't ask the same question twice," Johanna told her.

"I know but it makes me feel stupid."

"You're not stupid, you're just worried."

"Every time I think I'm doing something right, it seems like I end up doing something wrong."

"I know the feeling," Johanna replied, "But you didn't do anything wrong. You gave him an answer, an answer that does contain the word 'together' and I think once he looks past the unofficial part, he'll feel better about it. Now if you want to feel better, call him and ask him your question again and be done with it. I'll leave the room."

"You don't have to leave the room," she told her.

"I don't want to invade your privacy."

"You're not invading my privacy if you stay in the room…besides I kind of invaded yours during your little text war with Dad earlier. I almost went crossed eyed trying to read what you were typing back to him."

"I know," Johanna commented, as a new wave of anger and annoyance kicked beneath her skin at the thought of the Jim's terse text message that had informed her that he would be coming over in the morning as usual as a favor to their daughter but that he had nothing to say to her and she shouldn't take his presence as meaning anything but what it was. It had ignited a new wave of fury and when he wouldn't answer her call in response to his message, she had tapped out a terse reply of her own which had began a new round of argument. "That's why I moved the phone so you could see better."

"How did you know?" Kate asked.

"You were trying not to laugh…you failed."

"Maybe I was laughing at the TV," she replied.

Johanna looked at her knowingly, "Your eyes were not on the television."

"Okay," Kate conceded, "I was laughing at your message; how could I not when you were telling him he was just like his mother."

She smirked, "Well he is. Elizabeth always jumped to conclusions without evidence and so does your father."

"I would've liked to have seen his face when he read that," Kate remarked.

"I'm sure it was priceless," Johanna answered as she dug her spoon into the carton once again.

"I know I thought you were going to have a stroke when he replied that you get your habit of thinking you're right all the time from your father."

"That was a low blow," her mother said, "And completely untrue…I'm nothing like my father."

Kate laughed, "Well he probably doesn't think he's a, what was it you wrote, a stubborn narrow minded hard headed jackass."

Johanna nodded, "That's what I wrote, and it's all true whether he wants to believe it or not. Your father is a wonderful man, Katie, and I love him with all my heart; but he is a man…and as a man he has that genetic defect of being born with a jackass gene and sometimes it slips down from the brain and enters the bloodstream. I can't help it he has that gene…just like I can't help it if he acts like his mother sometimes…he ought to take comfort in the fact that I love him despite that tendency."

She chuckled lightly, "Maybe you should've told him that."

"What good would it do?" Johanna muttered. "He'd probably accuse me of lying about loving him…and then I'd have to hit him again as soon as he walked through the door."

"No hitting," Kate reminded her.

"I'm not going to hit him…unless he provokes me."

"Well since he's made it clear that he won't be speaking to you, I don't think you have to worry about being provoked."

Johanna sighed as her spoon hit the bottom of the carton. "Damn, we're out of ice cream. What are we going to do now?"

Kate shrugged, "I guess we can either try and get some sleep or we can open up a pack of cookies and finish watching the Late Show."

"I'll get the cookies," Johanna said as she rose from the sofa, picking up the empty carton as she went. "You call Rick and ease your mind."

"Maybe I'll just text him."

"That works too."

Kate picked up her phone and tapped out the message, a past of her hating herself for being so insecure that she had to keep asking him the same question.

"_Are we okay?"_

Johanna returned to the room with the pack of cookies which she placed between them. She watched as Kate drummed her fingers against her thigh as she stared at the phone waiting for a response. Finally it buzzed.

"_We're fine, Kate. I'll see you in the morning."_

"Well?" Johanna asked.

"He says we're fine," she answered; "And that he'll see me in the morning."

"_You sure?"_ she couldn't help but reply.

"Maybe he's feeling better about it," her mother suggested.

"Then why didn't he call?"

"Why didn't you call him?"

Kate looked at her, "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours sweetheart; always yours."

"It's a good thing," Kate commented, "I thought we were playing on the same team here tonight."

Johanna laughed, "Oh we are, it's definitely girls versus guys here tonight."

Her phone buzzed with the reply and she directed her attention to the phone.

"_I promise we're fine,' _he assured. _'Don't worry about it any more, everything is fine. I'll meet up with you at your place as usual."_

"_I'm sorry," _she replied_. "I don't mean to sound like I doubt you. I just, I guess I feel like I should apologize but I don't know for what."_

"_You have nothing to apologize for," _he responded_. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I swear to you that everything is fine. You were right, I was concentrating on the wrong part of that statement, but I'm not now and everything is fine."_

She smiled slightly, a bit of weight lifting from her shoulders. She believed him; it was going to be okay.

"Better now?" Johanna asked.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, I'm better now."

"See, you should've called or texted earlier and you wouldn't have had to torture yourself."

Kate narrowed her eyes at her as a crash of thunder sounded, "Why don't you just say your favorite phrase and be done with it."

Her mother shrugged, "If you insist. I told you so."

"That's my mother," Kate quipped. "The queen of I told you so."

Johanna smiled, "There are worse things I could be."

"Yeah," Kate said, "You could've been wrong."

"I save the job of being wrong for your father," Johanna remarked as Kate returned her attention to her phone to finish up her conversation with Castle.

She sighed heavily again as she reached for a chocolate chip cookie. How was she going to make it through the next day…and the one after that, and how ever many followed in which her husband refused to listen. How was she going to convince him that she was his and his alone and that no other man ever stood a chance of winning her heart or a place in her bed? She was angry with him, hurt that he had made such accusations, but she loved him and if he walked through the door right at that moment and told her he believed her, she'd forgive him, she'd ask him to stay. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the sofa. This day should've gone so differently. She should've had the afternoon she had been planning…she should've been basking in the warmth of memories that spoke of the final step of their reunion. He should be there with her now, holding her, remembering with her, and yet she was without him…again and her heart ached with love and need and want for him.

What she wouldn't give to have this day to do over. She felt the tears brimming in her eyes and this time she allowed them to fall.

* * *

Lighting flashed, illuminating the bedroom as Jim rolled over trying to find a comfortable spot for the thousandth time; problem was there didn't seem to be a comfortable spot and he punched the pillow in response. Who was he kidding? He wasn't going to be able to sleep even if he could get comfortable. He stared up at the ceiling, listening to the rain pelt the window. Did Jack know that Johanna liked the rain? He had been asking himself those types of questions all night as he laid there in their bed.

Did Jack know that she was afraid of heights? Did he know that her favorite color was red, that Katharine Hepburn was her all time favorite actress? Did he know about her shoe obsession? Did he know that she liked vanilla in her coffee, that she hated grapefruit, and that she recorded Temptation Lane every day?

Did Jack take her to the theater? Did he buy her flowers? Did they talk for hours on end about nothing at all? Did he take her on weekend getaways? Did he hold her when she cried? Make her laugh? Did he appreciate her intelligence? Did he know that she could play the piano…that she liked to sing along with the radio, that she somehow always seemed to know all the words? Did he tell her she was beautiful? Did she cook for him? Did Jack dance with her in the kitchen?

That thought sent that sharp stabbing pain through his heart once again. He couldn't stomach the thought of her swaying slowly in the dim light of a kitchen at midnight with a man that wasn't him. That was _theirs_…she was _his_. His mind was suddenly full of all the other things he wondered if Jack knew…the things he didn't want him to know.

Did Jack know what it was like to wake up next to her? To fall asleep with her, to listen to the sound of her breathing, to feel her warm and limp against him? Did he know what she sounded like when she whispered in the dark? Did he know what it was like to undress her slowly…or with haste? Did he know that her eyes darkened with desire, that when she wanted to play, she could become a seductress; a tease. She could torment, she could tempt, and when she was feeling particularly bold she might cast modesty aside and whisper a few dirty suggestions. Did she wear skimpy blue satin for him? Or did she have a different color…a different material?

Thunder rumbled loudly, the rain intensifying as he rolled onto his side and stared at the empty space in his bed, the space that should be filled with her body. His hand slid across the sheets, into that cool vacant space and he remembered all the times she had laid there…all the times he had closed the distance between them and reached for her, his hands moving over her body, the way she would respond so willingly.

He knew what it was like to be with her; he knew how she felt beneath him and above him, knew what it was like to feel her fingernails digging into his back. He knew that she liked it slow, liked it to be dragged out, every moment savored. He knew what it was like to feel those soft slender hands against his skin, how they skillfully opened buttons, how they looked clenching the sheets. He knew how her lips felt against his, the taste of her kiss, the way his name sounded upon them when he drove her over the edge.

He knew her body, how to touch and where, how to drive her crazy, how to torment and make her beg. He knew how soft her skin was, the curve of her hip, that spot on her neck that his lips always found, because it was sure to make her melt and if his fingertips happened to linger and caress the inside of her thigh he was sure to get a similar response. He knew where she was ticklish, the small scar on her left knee from a childhood fall, the arch of her foot, the small of her back, those shapely legs that he had always loved to admire. He knew every inch of her, had it all memorized and permanently seared into his brain.

He knew what it was like to hear those soft sounds of pleasure escape her lips, that if they were angry it would be fiery and intense, it would be rough as they each tried to win by dominating the other, and in the end they would both win, the issue either forgotten or settled as they laid together in the aftermath. He remembered that no matter the reason for their love making, it always ended with her reaching for his hand, her palm sliding against his, their fingers entwining, that breathless 'I love you' that she'd whisper and then there would be that smile, a mixture of coyness, love, and shyness; that smile that was only ever given to him…it was his…she was _his_.

Jim squeezed his eyes shut and then forced them open as he threw back the covers and set up. He had to quit thinking those things, he was furious with her and yet he wanted her so damn badly it hurt. His thoughts didn't shift course much, they were still centered upon those intimate secrets that he had always thought of as his exclusive privileged information, and if Jack knew those things…he didn't know how he'd stand it because the mere thought of it burned him in a thousand different ways.

He got of bed; even if he could sleep he couldn't bear to do so in their bed, not tonight anyway. Not when he needed her so much, not when he was so angry with her, not when his mind was troubled with the thoughts of her being with another man. He moved to the chair near the window, the sound of the rain still violent against the glass pane.

He didn't know Jack, and he didn't want to, but he hated him. He hated him for every day that he got to look at Johanna when he hadn't. He hated him for every moment he spent in her company, looking into her green eyes, seeing her smile. He hated him for wanting her, for having feelings for her when she belonged to him. How dare he covet his wife? He despised him for knowing her, for thinking that she was his to worry over and question. That was _his_ wife, those were days _he_ should've had, those were _his_ smiles, and_ he _should've been the one looking into those eyes that _he_ had fallen in love with.

He didn't care that Jack didn't know the real story, he didn't care that he knew her as Meagan. Meagan was Johanna, and Johanna belonged to him and he hadn't relinquished his claim upon her heart, mind or body and he never would. Jack could never love her the way _he_ did, Jack couldn't possibly know what it was like to really love her, because he didn't know her.

Jim knew her, knew what it was like to be loved by her. Johanna had stolen his heart, and his life had been so entwined with hers that when she was gone and he'd been forced to live with out her he hadn't been able to. She helped make him the man he was; it had been her love and support that nurtured him, drove him, made him want to be everything she thought him capable of. She doted on him, fussed over him, challenged him, infuriated him, distracted him, gave him all of herself, gave him the most precious gift he had ever received in the form of that perfect baby girl that had grown up to be a beautiful remarkable young woman. She gave him her time, her patience, her knowledge, her wisdom, the comfort of her arms. She accepted his apologies; she rubbed away those knots of stress in his shoulders. She could drive him crazy with a touch, a look, a smile. She knew which buttons to push, how to play him, how to fight him. Johanna accepted him for who he was, Johanna knew how to love him, and he in return knew how to love her, and that was one thing he was certain that Jack from Wyoming didn't know, because it wasn't possible for him to love her the way he did, no one could love Johanna the way he did. No one could love him the way Johanna did…and no one could cause him the pain she did.

He sighed heavily as lighting lit up the room once again. It was going to be a long night, tomorrow would probably be an even longer day or at least it would feel that way as he sat in Kate's apartment with her while his blood boiled with anger. He didn't want to go, but he would, because Kate depended on him to be there, to ease her mind and he wouldn't let his daughter down. He'd let her down too many times in the past and he wasn't about to do that again. He scoffed at himself, he could tell himself all he wanted that he was only going over there for Katie's sake but his heart knew it was in part a lie. He was going for Johanna; he'd be there for her sake because he didn't want her to be alone, because he had vowed to protect her. He'd go because she was his wife, because no matter what she may or may not have done, she was his and he loved her. He was still gong to be angry and hurt in the morning…but he was still going to love her when the sun came up, just as he had loved her everyday for over 30 years.

* * *

The next morning, Kate sat across the table from her mother and observed her as she picked at her food.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" she asked her.

"Not much," she answered and then after a moments pause she said quietly, "Can I ask you something?"

Kate glanced at her, a part of her hesitant as she didn't know what to expect but she nodded anyway, "Sure, go ahead."

"Has he?" she asked softly.

"Has he what?"

"Has he…dated anyone….since me?"

Kate shifted in her chair and then she looked her mother in the eye. "To my knowledge he hasn't; but you know that thing Melanie said about how she didn't think he'd tell me if he was seeing someone?"

"Yeah."

"I think that's probably true," she admitted. "I don't think he'd tell me…especially if it wasn't serious. I wouldn't have handled it well…and there were times when we didn't talk much."

"When he was drinking?" Johanna questioned.

"Yeah," she confirmed, "So if he did see someone, he never told me. I don't think that he has but I can't say with absolute certainty."

Johanna nodded in understanding and fell quiet.

Kate sighed, she hated this. She hated that they had to go through this when they seemed to be working things out so well between them.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked her mother.

"I'll be fine," she answered; although she wasn't entirely certain that she would be.

Someone knocked at the door just as Kate put her empty plate in the sink. "Wonder which one that is?" she stated.

"I hope it's Rick," Johanna said. "I can go for a few more minutes without seeing your father."

Kate went to the door and pulled it open, revealing a smiling Rick Castle on the other side. She didn't know why his smile startled her; perhaps it was because she had been expecting awkwardness despite their text message conversation the evening before.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully as he stepped inside the apartment.

"Good morning," she answered. "You seem to be in a good mood."

"I am," he told her as he held out a pink flower to her.

She smiled, "What's this for?" she asked as she accepted it.

"I saw it and I thought of you," he answered.

"Why is that?" she questioned as she brought it closer to her face to smell its fragrance.

"Because it is vibrant and beautiful, like you."

It was cheesy, but she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. "Thank you, Castle. That's sweet," she said as she leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"And this is for you too of course," he said as he held out her customary cup of coffee.

She thanked him as she accepted it and then took a sip, "Are you spoiling me today with coffee and a flower?" she questioned.

"Maybe I am," he remarked, his eyes sparkling at her. "Do you have a problem with being spoiled?"

She grinned, "No…actually I think I might enjoy it."

"Good," he answered, brushing a kiss against her lips. "Then I'll keep doing it."

Her heart fluttered. She wondered what it would be like to be spoiled by Rick Castle, and instead of being frightened by thought she embraced it and looked forward to it. She saw him glance over her shoulder and smile and she turned to see her mother stepping into the room.

"Good morning, Johanna," he greeted her.

"Good morning, Rick."

"Guess you got your wish," Kate told her. "It wasn't Dad at the door."

"Does that make me special?" Castle teased.

Johanna smiled, "Of course, Rick. You get the title of preferred guest."

"I do love titles," he replied.

She took notice of the flower in Kate's hand and she smiled, but the moment was lost as another knock sounded at the door. She closed her eyes and took a breath, steeling herself for the day that she was going to be forced to endure.

Kate gave her a moment to compose herself and then she opened the door and allowed her father inside. She could tell that he hadn't slept much either, and that he was still angry but he smiled at her and gave her a brief hug before greeting Castle. He favored his wife with a glance but said nothing, and Kate could feel the apartment filling with tension. Even Castle was shifting awkwardly. She quickly gathered her belongings so they could leave and escape the oppression. She handed her flower to her mother.

"Can you put that in water?"

"Yes, I'll put it in something and set it in your room for you."

She looked back and forth between her parents as they stood a distance apart.

"Are you two going to be alright here together?"

Jim nodded, "We'll be fine."

She caught her mother's gaze, "Go on, Katie," she said softly. "Don't worry about me."

"No hitting," she reminded, "And if you argue, try to keep it down. I don't want to have to bail you out for disturbing the peace."

"You don't have to worry about that," Jim assured as he sat down on the sofa.

Johanna walked to the door to let them out, and she did her best to give Kate a small smile, "Looks like you're going to have a better day than I am," she whispered.

"Call if you need me," she told her before saying goodbye.

Once they were in the elevator, Castle turned to her and said, "Was it just me or was it a little chilly in there?"

She nodded, "There was definitely the potential for frost bite," she replied.

"Do you think there will be anything left of them when you get back?" he asked.

Kate smiled, "We can only hope," she answered, "But there is one thing I can guarantee."

"What's that?"

"It's not going to be fun around here until they settle this."

"You're always welcome to come bunk with me," he said mischievously.

She grinned, "I just might have to do that, Castle."

"We can only hope," he replied as he returned her smile.

_Authors Note: Castle will be making plans for romancing Kate, and Johanna and Martha will be having a chat in the next chapter ;)_


	28. Chapter 28

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews. Sorry for the delay._

Chapter 28 – To Love Somebody

'_I live and I breathe for you, but what good does it do if I ain't got you? Baby, you don't know what's it's like to love somebody the way I love you.' – Michael Johns_

Kate glanced at the yellow rose she had found on her desk that morning and she smiled. Her gaze shifted to the empty chair beside her desk and a wave of longing to look into Castle's blue eyes swept over her. It was funny to think back to those early days of their relationship when she used to pray that he wouldn't show up for a day or two so she'd have some peace…and now; well it was so very easy to miss him now, and days without his presence dragged by endlessly.

A glance at her watch told her that she wouldn't be without him for long and another soft smile graced her face. He had arrived at her door with her coffee in hand that morning, telling her that he wanted to be sure she had her caffeine fix while he was locked away in meetings with his publisher for the morning. She had been disappointed not to see a flower in his hand, as she now had four different blossoms in a vase on her nightstand. He had seemed amused by the way her gaze kept darting back to his empty hands and he had given her one of those smiles that made her heart flutter before he had kissed her goodbye, telling her he'd be at the precinct later.

Her flower had been waiting for her on her desk and she had laughed softly in the empty bullpen, wondering just how early he had gotten up that morning that he was able to have a rose on her desk and a cup of coffee at her door and still be ready for his meetings. Kate reached out a fingertip and allowed it to graze against a silky petal. It was amazing how quickly one could become accustomed to such things. She hadn't even realized that she was the type of girl who liked getting flowers just because…but then again, she couldn't recall that anyone else had taken the time to find out just what kind of girl she was. They saw the badge, and the attitude, the tough exterior and it seemed to brand her as a girl who didn't go in for such things and maybe somewhere along the way she too had began to think that she wasn't that type of girl…in this instance she was happy to be proven wrong…and by Castle at that. She laughed to herself; there was a time when that would've driven her crazy.

When exactly had things changed, she wondered. Was there a specific moment when her heart had rebelled against her head and its warning sirens regarding the man that she now called her partner…and in the most secret places of her heart, the man she called hers? What had lead to that first crack in the wall? Had it been when she told him about her mother and he didn't react the way everyone else had. He hadn't tried to give her empty words of comfort or words of apology. He had listened, questioned, and then allowed her out of the conversation without probing deeper into her emotions. She was still surprised sometimes that she had told him so early on, and the fact that she had given him that vital piece of information about her life only served to prove that despite her annoyance with him, he had, somehow gained her trust and trust wasn't something she gave easily or willingly…but she had given it to him in a matter of weeks without any qualms.

They had became friends, good friends even though he had upset her balance by poking into her mother's case but then, surprisingly, she had forgiven him and they resumed the relationship and suddenly it had felt like there was something a little deeper between them then there had been before but she hadn't wanted to think about that back then.

It was already growing stronger by the time Heat Wave was released and she had been at war with herself over whether she wanted him to go and write the James Bond series or to stay with her. She had tried so hard to tell herself that she wouldn't be bothered if he went; she had even tried to convince herself that she wanted him to go…but the truth was that after their argument at the party she had gone home feeling betrayed and abandoned.

Kate rolled her eyes at herself, she still felt silly over that, but she also still remembered the relief that she had felt when he had decided to stay and the knowledge that he would be at her side everyday just as she had gotten used to, and then there was that warm feeling that always lingered in her heart whenever she recalled or read those words, 'To the extraordinary K.B.'. Those simple words had made her feel special, and when she read them she always felt like maybe she was a little more than what she thought she was, not that she thought she was extraordinary in any way…it was just that she thought that maybe Castle saw something in her that no one else did, including herself.

He'd been her rock during the Coonan case, offering to do anything or nothing, putting up his own money to help her. He gave her support during the case and after. He opened his home to her when she lost hers. He had made an effort to protect her, he had saved her life. Those feelings had been growing during all of that time, and she couldn't even say it had been without her notice…because she had been jealous of Kyra…and that girl on the most eligible list…and Ellie Munroe…and Gina…and later on, Serena…and Jacinda. Hell she was still licking her wounds over Jacinda, but at least she could admit now that she had been jealous…or at least she could admit it to herself…and maybe her mother whenever the day came that she would decide to tell her the whole story. There was no point in confessing to Lanie. Lanie had that terrible ability to be all knowing and wise…there was little that got by her….especially where she was concerned.

She and Castle seemed to grow closer every year. They had their ups and downs, their jealousies, their tragedies in the forms of friends who turned out to be people they hadn't thought they were. He stood by her every step of the way with her mother's case, he followed along to California to help her catch Royce's killer…he carried her out of the hanger that night when Montgomery died…and then he had tried to save her from a bullet…he had hovered over her as she lay bleeding in the grass…and he told her he loved her. The last thing she had heard before the world went black was his voice saying that he loved her, and a part of her couldn't help but think that if she had been able to, she would've whispered those words back to him before the world faded away.

She swallowed hard, her fingers still brushing across the petals of the rose. Before the world went black that day, she had though that those words of love from Castle would be the last ones she would ever hear…and then she had woken up in the hospital…and she had panicked. She couldn't handle it, not with the state of chaos her mind had been in, and then there had been that little voice in the back of her mind that occasionally whispered that he might not have meant it, that he might have only said it because he thought she was going to die, and that only increased her fear of saying anything about his confession and so she had sent him away and she had run.

Kate frowned, she had run and he had let her. Castle had always in one way or another, chased after her when she ran away. He always called or texted, he always tracked her down at the precinct or at home. That night before she had received the call from Montgomery, he had called her 24 times…so when he allowed her to run away it had been out of character and it had unnerved her, making that little voice of doubt all the louder. It was true that she hadn't attempted to contact him during those three months, despite her father almost pleading with her to do so, but he hadn't made an effort either. He could've found her if he had wanted to, he could've called her phone, she would've answered…at least she liked to think she would have, but he didn't and she closed herself off from the world and then had to face his anger when she came home.

She knew now that he had meant those words, and she knew that one day when they had that talk she promised him that she would have a lot of explaining to do…and she would…but just not yet. She wasn't ready to go there yet. She'd rather they be stronger before they had that talk. She wanted to bask in this new stage of their relationship for a little longer, because she had to admit that being the object of his affection was a wonderful thing to be and she just wanted to hang onto it for awhile. They had suffered enough drama with their rough spot and the upheaval of her life with the return of her mother. She just wanted them to have some measure of happiness for awhile; she wanted to have that warmth and contentment, the knowledge that she had his arms to sink into, that she had his affection and that she could give hers in return. Her plate was already full and she didn't want to throw a confession at Castle when she might not be in a place to handle the fall out. She'd rather wait…and she hoped that didn't make her a terrible person…because she wanted to make this work…she wanted to be everything she could be for him. She loved him.

That thought startled her and she didn't know why. Of course she knew that she loved him…but knowing didn't necessarily mean she had allowed herself to admit it…even if only in her own mind and thoughts. She loved him. She smiled, whoever would've thought it would feel so good to just think those words. She loved him…and yet it was still fragile and complicated. The smile faded and the frown returned, good god, she went up and down like a yo-yo where emotions were concerned. That had to be her mother's fault, she was on her own emotional rollercoaster and it must be rubbing off on her.

Kate shook her head; she had to quit day dreaming about Castle and get to work. He'd be there soon enough and when he was she'd pull him aside and ask him if he was free for the evening, because she had taken it into her head to be domestic and she was going to cook dinner…she wanted to cook for him.

"Wow," Kate thought to herself, it must be a day for miracles, she was not only being honest with herself but now she was ready to go home and play Betty Crocker. Yeah, flowers and coffee, and thoughts of love would do that to a girl. There went her badass image...or maybe not, she thought, she could always swear him to secrecy.

A shadow fell across her desk and she groaned as she looked up at the smirk on the face of one Javier Esposito.

"Where's Castle?" he asked; his dark eyes gleaming with amusement.

"He had meetings with his publisher," she answered as she briskly pulled her fingers away from the flower she had been toying with.

He nodded, his astute gaze flicking towards the yellow rose. "So…he's bringing you flowers now…sounds serious," he teased.

Kate narrowed her eyes at him, "Who said it was from Castle?"

He laughed, "Well it wasn't from Ryan, and it wasn't from me…so that only leaves Castle."

She smirked, "What, you don't think I can have other admirers?"

Esposito shook his head, "I think there's an unspoken knowledge that Castle has laid claim to you."

She didn't know how to respond to that, especially when she thought of the yellow post it note that rested in her pocket that bore the word 'Always' which had been found beneath the rose.

"Okay, so it's from Castle," she admitted. "What of it?"

"Nothing," he said with a shrug but his eyes were full of mischief. "I just wonder what's next…a box of chocolates?"

She dropped her gaze and he laughed, "Oh, don't tell me he already went down that path and Ryan and I missed it!"

"Shut up," she retorted as she felt her cheeks flush.

"Come on," he taunted. "When did Castle give you candy?"

"You know, Espo, Lanie must be rubbing off on you, you sound more and more like her every day," she remarked, her lips curved into a smirk.

He faltered for a moment, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kate grinned, "You know Lanie likes flowers too," she informed him.

Esposito ignored the statement but she saw something flicker in his eyes and knew that she had hit her mark. "I guess the love letters will start rolling in next since he already went for the candy option," he stated.

She glared at him, "Lanie likes chocolate…maybe someone should take her a box…maybe that new guy in the lab."

"What new guy?" he demanded to know.

Kate laughed, "Oh, what's this," she said, "Is Detective Esposito worried about something?"

"Please," he snorted. "Why should I be worried…it's not like…"

"It's not like what?" she teased.

He glared at her, "I know what you're doing here," he stated. "You're trying to change the subject so you don't have to tell anyone about the love fest you and Castle have going on this week."

"Love fest?" she asked with an eye roll, "Really?"

His smile returned, "Oh yeah, there is a serious love fest going on here at this desk."

"There is not."

"And in the break room…"

"You're delusional."

"And in the car…"

"Espo," she warned.

"And outside of Remy's…"

"What are you and Ryan doing, following us?" she demanded to know.

"No," he answered. "We just happen to stumble across these things every now and then."

"What things?"

He grinned, "Wouldn't you like to know."

She gave him an evil smirk of her own, "And wouldn't you like to have more of my mother's treats."

"That's cold, Beckett," he retorted.

"That's life," she told him. "Now what exactly do you think you two have stumbled upon?"

There was mischief written all across his features and she warned herself to be careful in case he tried to bait her.

"We may have witnessed some hand holding."

"Is that all?" she asked dismissively.

That knowing smirk settled upon his lips once more and she fought the urge to slug him.

"And there's all of those lingering 'looks'," he said suggestively.

"You know, you really are out of your mind," Kate told him, all though she was sure there had been looks.

He laughed, "Hey, it's not my fault if the two of you are obvious…which you might want to watch when you're in here," he warned with the affection of a brother who was looking out for his sister. "It's one thing for me and Ryan to pick up on it but you don't want you know who getting a whiff of anything."

That was true. The last thing she needed was for Gates to think something was going on, she'd have Castle gone so fast her head would spin and then what would she do?

She nodded in response to Esposito's statement as a silent way of telling him that she understood and heeded the warning.

"So is that all of your evidence?" she asked as she brought the topic back to its lighter nature.

He grinned and then leaned close, "Well there was that one thing we saw…," he said, allowing the statement to hang in the air unfinished.

Her eyes widened slightly but it was enough for him to notice and revel in the fact that he had gotten her to react.

"What thing?"

Esposito shrugged, "Just something we saw taking place in your car outside of Remy's," he said casually. "Yesterday," he added for effect.

"What were you doing outside of Remy's?" she questioned as her cheeks flamed once again.

"Just out for a stroll," he remarked glibly.

"You mean the two of you were bored and thought you'd go out and spy on people," she retorted.

"We had to have something to do on our lunch break."

Kate shifted her gaze away from him; she knew what he and Ryan had seen. They had been witness to a passionate kiss that had sprung up out of nowhere.

"I hate you both," she told him.

He laughed, "No you don't. You love me and Ryan…and so does your mom."

Kate rolled her eyes, "She likes being maternal, don't let it go to your head."

"Kate," he said quietly; his voice still laced with amusement but also holding that brotherly note that it had held just moments before, "The secret is safe with us, if you and Castle want to move things along we think that's great and we'll make sure no one gets wind of anything…but that doesn't mean we're not going to tease you about it whenever the opportunity presents itself."

She smiled despite herself, "I'd probably worry if you didn't."

Esposito smiled and then decided to take pity on her and turned the conversation to a different topic, at least for the moment.

"How's your mom?"

She sighed, "She's fine…all things considered."

He nodded, "Has she done anymore baking?"

Kate laughed, her mother had done a lot of baking that week, so much that she had been carting in containers of cookies, fudge, and brownies to give to Ryan and Esposito and Lanie so it all wouldn't go to waste. Even Castle had taken home a portion to share with Martha and Alexis.

"What's wrong, Espo? Did you already go through all of those treats I already brought in this week?"

"I have a few cookies left," he answered, "But it doesn't hurt to be stocked up, especially when it's that good."

"She didn't make anything last night," she replied, "But I'll check on her baking status when I call to check on her. I'll let her know your resources are almost depleted."

"That's all I ask," he replied. "You keep me supplied with treats and your secrets are safe with me."

"My secrets are safe with you because I'll kick your ass if they're not," she retorted.

He shrugged, "That too."

They shared a laugh and then he shuffled back to his own desk and she picked up her phone to make her morning check in call.

"How is everything?" she asked when Johanna answered the phone.

Her mother sighed, "It's the same nightmare I've been having all week."

"I'm sorry," Kate told her, and she was; she hated that her parents were still at odds with one another.

"It's not your fault," she replied. "Some people just can't stop being stubborn for five minutes and listen to reason."

"I take it that Dad was within ear shot for that comment."

"Of course," she admitted. "He's sitting here in the same room with me, looking like a damn statue. I can't stand this, Katie. I'd rather be here alone then have to sit here and be ignored."

"Is being ignored worse than the bickering?" she asked, as every time she had called the day before she had interrupted some type of argument between them.

"Yes it's worse," Johanna replied. "At least if were fighting he's speaking to me. This is getting ridiculous."

"I agree," Kate told her. "I wish the two of you would just settle this."

"I would love nothing more than to settle it but someone wants to keep acting like a child and I just have to say that that's never been an attractive feature on him."

She couldn't help it, she laughed, which of course meant she missed the retort her father made in response.

"Men," Johanna muttered. "Why do we ever get involved with men?"

"Maybe if you were only involved with one you wouldn't have the problems you have," Kate heard her father comment.

"Ignore it," Kate instructed. "Talk to me."

"I can't ignore it when it's being implied that I'm a slut," her mother remarked. "Because I'm not one and I'm only involved with one man and if he'd just listen to me instead of thinking he knows everything maybe he would realize that!"

"Relax, mother," she told her.

"It's difficult to relax at the moment."

"I know, but try."

There was a moment's pause and then Johanna said, "Do you know what I heard on the news?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow is take your mother to work day," she replied, "So I fully expect to join you tomorrow."

She laughed, "There is no such thing as take your mother to work day," she remarked. "Nice try."

"Take me with you anyway," she pleaded. "I'm serious, I can't stand this."

"Sorry, I don't have room for you at my desk."

"That's alright," Johanna told her. "Put me with one of my adopted sons."

"Are you that desperate to get away from Dad that you would spend your day with Ryan and Esposito?"

"Yes," she answered. "I need to get out of here for awhile, Kate. I've been locked in here for I don't know how long and to make matters worse I have to sit here with my husband while he takes on the persona of Mr. Impossible. I can't take it anymore."

"You married him."

"He wasn't this impossible back then," she admitted.

"Listen, I know you're tired of being cooped up but I don't know what else to do at the moment. I'm off Saturday; I'll take you out for a few hours then, okay?"

"Yeah," her mother said with a sigh.

Kate needed to turn the topic to something lighter so she said, "One of your adopted stray cats wants to know if you've done any baking today."

The statement got a small laugh out of her, "Not yet but I am thinking about cherry turnovers."

"That sounds good," Kate admitted.

"I'll make enough for everyone. Has Rick found his way back to you yet?"

She smiled, "Not yet but he should be coming soon."

"I wonder why he didn't bring you a new flower this morning," Johanna commented.

"He did," she answered as her eyes flicked toward the rose. "It was on my desk."

Her mother laughed softly, "So he's changing it up is he? He wants to keep you on your toes."

"I guess so."

"How do you like being wooed?" she asked her.

Kate chuckled, "Do we have to call it that? That sounds like something out of a cheap romance novel or something."

Johanna laughed, "Hey I didn't make up the terms, I just know what they are and you still haven't answered the question."

She was quiet for a moment, "I like it just fine," she confessed.

"I hope he brings you more candy," Johanna said. "I could go for another piece of chocolate."

"The box isn't empty yet, Mother. Have a piece if you want one. I have to get back to work; I'll talk to you later."

They said their goodbyes and Kate forced her mind to focus on the work she had in front of her.

* * *

An hour later, Castle stepped inside the break room while Kate was fixing herself a fresh cup of coffee.

She regarded his expression with amusement, "Wow, that's the look I usually see on peoples faces after they've been in the interrogation room."

He nodded, "Meetings with the publisher are always a bit like interrogation," he told her as he grabbed a cup and began to prepare his own cup of coffee.

"So how was it?" she asked.

He sighed, "I contemplated ripping my ears off so I wouldn't have to listen anymore."

Kate laughed, "Was it really that bad?"

"Yes," he complained. "Those meetings are as boring and tedious as your paperwork."

"I'd be more inclined to be sympathetic if you actually did your share of the paperwork."

Castle grinned, "That's alright, I'm not in desperate need of sympathy."

"Somehow I had a feeling you'd say that," she replied; an easy smile gracing her lips.

"You know me so well, Detective," he teased.

Her gaze softened and she shifted closer to him so she could drop her voice down a level. "Thank you for the rose…and the note," she said softly, her hand grazing against his in a lingering caress.

He smiled, "You thought I forgot this morning, didn't you?"

She laughed lightly, "Honestly I didn't know what to think, but it was a nice surprise."

He loved this side of her. A part of him had thought she might find a flower every day cheesy but he was delighted by her response and by the fact that she so quickly became accustomed to expecting the gesture.

"Surprise is my middle name," he replied, his eyes sparkling with affection.

"And all this time I thought it was Edgar," she couldn't help but respond.

"Reading my bio again, Detective?" he said in amusement.

She smirked playfully, "At least once a day."

"Well with loyalty like that, I'll have to have you names President of my fan club."

"I thought you were President of your fan club," she quipped.

"Oh," Castle said with a laugh, "Look who ate her Wheaties today."

She giggled and then their gazes collided, the moment becoming charged and without any thought they began to lean towards one another for a kiss before she suddenly remembered where they were and took a step back while giving him an apologetic smile, "Later," she promised.

He nodded in understanding. He knew they had to be careful, especially at the precinct and he knew that she wasn't ready for the world to know that they were something more than they claimed publicly.

"I'll gladly abdicate the throne for you," he stated, bringing the topic back to the joke she had made.

"Oh so now we're Wallis Simpson and King Edward?" she replied, her eyes gleaming in that way that he loved.

He thought for a moment and then shook his head, "Nah, we're sexier than that."

Kate laughed, "I can't argue with that."

"So you admit that you think I'm sexy," he teased.

"I don't recall ever specifically denying it," she answered coyly.

Castle grinned, "I knew it was only a matter of time before you truly began to appreciate my rugged good looks."

She rolled her eyes and took a sip of coffee. "So tell me," he said, "What do you think my best feature is?"

"I can't believe you just asked me that," she said with a laugh once she managed to swallow her coffee without choking.

"It's a legitimate question," he replied.

"I don't ask you that."

"Well of course not," Castle said. "It would take me all day to pick just one thing…but of course I guess you could have that problem in my case too."

"Your eyes," she stated after a moments pause. "Definitely your eyes."

God he wished they were somewhere else so he could kiss her. He settled for smiling at her instead and brushing his hand against hers in the same manner that she had done when she had thanked him for the rose.

"The feeling is mutual," he replied, as he gazed into her green eyes.

She blushed and dipped her head shyly and he knew it was time to pull back before they got themselves in trouble.

"So did they make you wear the dunce cap at your meeting?" she asked, beating him to the punch at taking their conversation back to safer ground.

"Only for a little while," he admitted. "They always have to go through their speeches of deadlines and then I always have to give my speech of how you can't rush genius and then we're able to move on to the mundane stuff."

"You poor abused writer," she said dramatically.

"There should be a law against it," he stated and then he grinned mischievously, "Because then I could take you with me and then you could arrest them."

Kate laughed, "I guess you'd want me to be rough about it too."

"Of course," he replied. "Especially with Gina."

That was an appealing idea, she thought to herself but then she shook it away as he spoke once more.

"We didn't really get to talk this morning when I brought your coffee, I didn't get my Beckett family update."

"It's like a soap opera for you, isn't it?" Kate asked.

"Yes and I don't want to miss an episode."

"Well," she said, "It's day five and Ike and Tina are still at it."

Castle chuckled, "I thought your mother told you to quit referring to them as Ike and Tina Turner."

"I'll be happy to quit calling them that when they start behaving like the Jim and Johanna I know and sometimes love," she replied.

"Sometimes?" he asked with a raised brow that told her he knew that she was stretching the truth on that one.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Alright, I love my father all the time."

"Kate," he said.

"Fine, I…love my mother too," she admitted to him.

"That's what I thought," he said, and then after making her admit it, he returned back to the subject at hand. "So no improvement at all?"

She shook her head, "They're still cycling between fighting and silence, and she's going stir crazy. She wants out of the apartment and away from Dad for a day but…what else am I going to do with her?"

He was quiet for a moment as he thought over the problem, "Maybe we can come up with something."

"Like what?"

"Leave it to me," he told her.

Silence fell as they sipped their coffee and finally she looked at him and smiled as she asked, "What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing that I know of, why?"

"Do you want to come over for dinner?" she asked.

"Dinner?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I'm cooking."

"You're cooking?" he asked. "Did Johanna go on strike?"

Kate smirked at him, "Only in regards to my father."

He chuckled, "She's refusing to feed him?"

"Yes."

He studied her for a moment, feeling slightly suspicious about this invitation. "So it's going to be you and me and your mom?"

"And my Dad," she answered. "He's allowed to eat if I cook."

"What's the catch, Kate?" he asked with a laugh.

"What?" she asked in confusion.

"Come on," he said lightly, "You want me to come to dinner and you're cooking…I think someone's trying to sucker me."

Her brow rose, "Castle, you're talking to me now, not your ex-wife."

Oh, he thought gleefully, that sounded possessive. This could be good.

"But still," he said, "This sounds like some sort of double date set up…or like you want me to help referee your parents."

She looked at him incredulously; those warm feelings from earlier suddenly turning into irritation with him for jumping to the conclusion that she wanted something from him other than his presence. "I can't believe you," she said. "Do you always think the worst of me, Castle? First you accuse me of leading you on and now you think I'm trying to sucker you with a dinner invitation?"

The look on her face told him just how unamused she was with him and he began to realize that he might have made an error in judgment. Suddenly, this wasn't as good as it had been a moment before.

"No! It's not like that at all," he exclaimed; seeing how quickly things could go down hill.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just want to have dinner with you?"

"We could go out…" he began to say.

"Maybe I _want _to cook the meal," she stated; wondering if maybe he'd get the hint that she wanted to cook for him. "Maybe I don't want to go out tonight because I get tired of feeling like I'm being run out of my own home."

"But a restaurant would be more private," he told her.

He didn't get it. "Castle," she sighed; "I know it's hard to believe but I just want to cook dinner for myself…and you. You provide me with a lot of meals; can't I return the favor for you?"

He nodded, "Of course, I was just pointing out that with them there…"

"I know," she said, "It's not ideal, but my mother has to be there, that's something that can't be helped at the moment. She doesn't like infringing on my privacy anymore than I like infringing on hers; and if she knew I was inviting you to a dinner that I prepared and it was just us and her, she'll feel like she's intruding and she'll go lock herself in the bedroom for the evening and I'll feel bad."

"Which is why you asked your father to stay?"

"Yes," she replied, "That way it's an even number…but if you don't want to have dinner with me just say so."

"No!" he exclaimed, it was amazing how fast he could lose control of a conversation. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…let's just start over," he said. "Go back to the initial invitation and let's just try it again."

"Maybe we should just forget it," she answered, her confidence suddenly faltering and she felt stupid for issuing the invitation in the first place. She would've waited until a more ideal time but god only knew when that would be, she had to take the moments as they came.

"Kate, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I'm…I'm an idiot."

That made her laugh and he grinned at her and it was as if they had hit the reset button and put themselves back into the lighter mood they had been sharing.

"My mother calls slip ups like that in men the 'jackass gene'," she informed him.

He nodded, "Your mother is very wise, I adore her," he told her, hoping she'd realize that he wasn't holding Johanna's constant presence in her life against her, because he wasn't. He liked watching the two of them together and he understood that Kate was stuck in some respects.

"Yeah, well, she seems to adore you too," Kate told him. "Of course at the moment it may be because you gave me chocolate yesterday and I've shared it with her."

He chuckled, "Good, I want to stay on her good side," he said and then after a moment he added, "So can we try this again?"

She smiled and shook her head, "Do you want to come to dinner tonight, Castle?"

"I'd love to," he answered. "What time?"

"Let's say 6:30," she told him.

"I'll be there," he promised.

She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. What was it about him that could make her feel like a nervous teenager?

"Don't worry, I'll make my parents behave," she told him. "You won't even know there in the room."

"Don't make them behave that much," he exclaimed, "What's dinner without entertainment?"

Kate smirked, "Be careful what you wish for, Castle."

He looked thoughtful as he gazed at her, "So far my wishes seem to be turning out alright."

She smiled and ducked her head for a moment, "I better get back to my desk," she said. "If I don't get my work done, we'll be ordering take out and eating here."

* * *

At 6:30 when Castle's knock sounded at the door, Kate turned towards her parents and whispered in a stern tone, "Behave yourselves during dinner."

"You've already told us that," Jim replied.

"Yeah well when it comes to the two of you, things sometimes need repeating."

"Kind of like when you were a kid," he said with a grin.

"Now you know who I got it from," she remarked as she hurried towards the door, ignoring her mother's amused look that hinted at the fact that she knew that this evening was different than the other times they had dinner with Rick.

Castle knocked once again and she hurried towards the door and opened it. He kissed her cheek as he greeted her and then handed her a flat wrapped package.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Oh just a little something for you to read later," he told her.

Kate grinned, "Is it Nikki Heat related?"

"Would I give you anything else?" he asked.

"You're giving me a spoiler?" she asked in surprise.

"Well I did say that I was going to spoil you," he told her with a wink.

"Thank you," she replied and then her gaze went back to his hand as she noticed that he still held another package.

"That's not for you," he told her in amusement as he walked further into the apartment.

"Then who's it for?"

He walked towards Johanna and held the box out to her, "Your mother of course," he answered before giving Johanna his attention, "I heard you like candy."

She smiled as she looked at the box of chocolates he had handed her, "Yes, I do," she replied. "Thank you, I'm in desperate need of chocolate lately."

He smiled at her and nodded in understanding before he turned to Jim and shook his hand, "I would've brought you something, Jim, but I don't know what you like."

"Baseball," both Kate and Johanna stated at the same time.

They laughed, "That's alright, Rick," he told him, "You save your energy for sucking up to the women of this house, they're harder to please than I am."

"Hey," Kate stated, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Rick knows what it means," Jim answered, "Don't you?"

Castle chuckled, "Yeah, I know what it means," he replied and he did, he knew that it meant that the while the Beckett women were wonderful and full of good traits, they were also complicated and you had to know how to walk the line and stay on their good sides.

"You want to share your knowledge with us, Rick?" Johanna asked.

He shook his head, "Nope, that's a secret between men."

"Well in that case it shouldn't be hard to figure out," she replied.

Kate laughed, "Dinner is ready so let's go sit down."

Kate fixed the plates and then they all settled around the table, Kate and Johanna on one side, Castle and Jim across from them. The conversation was light and flowed mainly between Kate and Rick as they talked about whatever came to mind. Jim and Johanna commented occasionally, but Castle noticed that they refrained from speaking to each other, and that they barely even looked at each other despite the fact that they were directly across from one another. He could tell that the issue between Kate's parents was weighing on her and that she was uncomfortable with their silent treatment of each other despite the fact that it was better than their bickering.

She caught his eye during a lull in the conversation and smiled slightly, "It's almost like a silent movie isn't it?" she said with a nod in her parents direction.

He laughed softly, "Yeah, all we need is a piano player."

"Katie can play the piano," Johanna announced.

"Really?" he said, his brow raised with interest as he looked at Kate, "I didn't know that."

"I guess that just goes to show that there are still layers to the onion, Castle," she quipped.

He grinned, "Did they make you take lessons?"

"No," she laughed, "My grandmother taught me. She was an excellent piano player and she loved to teach people to play."

"Which grandmother was this?" he questioned.

"My mother," Johanna answered.

"And if I remember correctly," he said, "You told me her name was…Naomi?"

She nodded, "Very good, Rick."

"Do you play the piano, Johanna?" he asked.

Something flashed in her eyes, but it was hard to distinguish what it was but he thought it might be anguish of some sort, maybe grief for her mother.

"I played a long time ago," she answered.

"She was always good at it too," Kate stated. "Grandma said she was her best student."

"Well, you're just a renaissance woman aren't you, Johanna?" Castle remarked in admiration.

"Hardly," Johanna answered. "I'm merely the product of the woman who raised me."

Kate scoffed, "You're more than that."

She shook her head, "No, I'm not. My mother taught me how to cook and clean and run a household. She taught me to sew on buttons and hems and how to shop for bargains. She taught me to play piano, how to be a good hostess. She taught me how to be a mother, to find joy in everyday things and to believe in fairy tales."

What she hadn't taught her, Johanna thought to herself, was what to do when the fairy tale seemed to be crashing and burning.

"Well I guess the only thing you haven't given her credit for is your career," Kate remarked.

"I guess that one goes to my father."

"Your father?" Jim exclaimed, addressing her directly for the first time during the meal. "How the hell does Frank get credit for your career?"

"He let me watch Perry Mason with him," she answered.

"Great show," Castle stated, "Is that what inspired you?"

She nodded, "Yeah, so maybe I should give the credit to Perry…everything I know about being a lawyer I probably learned from him."

"Don't belittle your skill like that, Johanna," Jim stated.

"I'm not," she answered, but she didn't elaborate. She didn't tell them that watching that show with her father was the only time she truly had his attention, nor did she mention that when she asked him one night if he thought she was capable of being a lawyer that he had surprised her by saying yes. Perhaps the nicest thing he had ever done for her was allowing her to watch that show with him, and when she expressed her interest in becoming a lawyer, he sat her down with a pencil and a piece of paper each week and made her work the case as the actors did so onscreen. He made her pay attention and select who she thought had committed the crime and then he would make her tell him why, he'd make her state the evidence, to argue her case during the commercial breaks. Her father always had his own theories, sometimes they thought alike, and sometimes she would come up with something entirely different and he would insist that she was wrong and would argue the point with her…but sometimes she was the one who turned out to be right by the end of the program…of course that never made her father very happy but it had given her some feelings of vindication that helped keep her going when he was harsh and cruel…and maybe the fact that he had helped mold her in that respect had kept some flicker of hope alive within her back then that maybe, just maybe he loved her a little.

She was then hit with the sudden realization that maybe she hadn't became a lawyer just because of her interest in the law…maybe she had done it in an attempt to gain his approval…and his respect. It was a startling thought and she brushed it aside. Analyzing her relationship with her father was never a good way to spend her time. She turned her ear back to the conversation as Kate told Rick stories about her grandmother. He was drinking in every word she uttered and she couldn't help but smile as she watched them. It was nice to hear Kate talk to him about herself and her childhood memories, but those stories that involved Naomi McKenzie only made her ache with longing for her mother. Her mother had been gone for 19 years and yet there were moments when the grief felt as fresh as it had during those first days in the world without her. She swallowed hard, she missed her…everyday she still missed her and the love that she had always given her, and yet despite knowing how much her mother had loved her she felt certain that Naomi McKenzie was probably looking down on her in disappointment.

"I believe that my mother forgot to mention that Grandma also gave her a love for the theater and Katharine Hepburn," Kate mentioned to Castle.

He grinned, "Then it's no wonder she gets along with my mother so well."

"Do you still have my mother's piano?" Johanna asked Jim, ignoring the vein of conversation that Kate and Rick had been commenting on.

Jim looked at her, "Of course I still have it," he told her; his tone a little more stern than he had meant. "It's right where you left it."

"I was just asking," she murmured.

Kate shared a look with Castle as if she were already apologizing for a fight that had yet to happen between her parents.

"Everything you owned is still in the house, Johanna," Jim stated. Did she really think that he would've gotten rid of her belongings? Especially her mother's piano which she had been ready to do battle for with her brother. He paid Frank Jr. a hefty price for that piano, but Johanna didn't know that. All he had ever told her was that he and Frank had come to an agreement and that it was hers. It was still sitting in the room they had used as their office. All the fighting and tears she had gone through to get the damn thing and she had only ever lifted the lid once, and then she hadn't been able to bring herself to touch the keys. He still remembered her sitting on the bench, sobbing uncontrollably and when she was finished she had closed the lid and never lifted it again. She left it up to Kate to play it occasionally to make sure it was still in tune.

"Except for maybe a coat and a pair of boots," Kate commented softly.

"I know about the coat," Johanna commented. "I saw it when I put everything back in the hall closet after the break in."

"Do you want it back?" she asked her.

"No, of course not. It's yours now."

"Any other hidden talents?" Castle asked Kate, feeling as though they needed a change of subject.

Kate grinned at him, "I could tell you but then it would kill the mystery."

"I'm very good at solving mysteries," he quipped. "I'll eventually figure out all of your secrets."

She smirked, "My mother isn't going to tell you."

Johanna laughed as he looked at her in confusion, "I didn't say anything about your mother."

"But you were thinking it," she commented.

"Maybe I was thinking about asking your father," he stated as he glanced at Jim who smiled in response.

"And if he knows what's good for him, he won't tell my secrets either," Kate said as she shot her father an amused look.

"My lips are sealed, Katie," Jim replied.

"Maybe we should call Martha and ask her for some stories about Rick," Johanna said.

"Yeah," Kate laughed. "That sounds like a good idea. Maybe we'll just have Martha come over one day and tell us all about him."

Castle shook his head, "Not a good idea," he stated. "Mother tends to exaggerate…and her memories often take on the feeling of alternate reality."

"I think you're just afraid for us to find out that you were the type of little boy who went around pulling little girls hair," Johanna said to him.

"I only pulled Judy Kessler's hair because she criticized my poem about a duck," Castle announced. "She had it coming to her."

Kate burst into laughter, "You wrote a poem about a duck?"

He looked at her in mock indignation, "It was a very touching ode I'll have you know."

"I bet," she answered.

"It was," he insisted. "In fact I can't believe my talent went so long without being realized."

"What grade were you in when you wrote this 'ode to a duck'?" Johanna asked with a laugh.

"Second," he replied.

"And do you recall any lines from this brilliant piece of your early work?" Kate inquired.

Castle thought about it for a moment, "I recall that it was about a duck named Mac, who spent his days going quack, quack."

She shook with laughter, "Well at least it rhymes."

"You see," he said, "Brilliant even in grade school."

"I think it's a good thing you've improved with age, Rick," Jim chuckled.

"I could've done better," Castle said, "But I didn't want to wow them all at once."

"Good choice," Johanna remarked, "Judy Kessler might have crushed your spirit."

He nodded, "Like she crushed my animal crackers."

"Oh my god," Kate said, "Were you bullied by a little girl, Castle?"

"She was more of a demon than a little girl," he answered.

"Whatever happened to her?" Kate asked.

"I don't know," he answered, "She's probably in prison."

"Castle!"

"She was evil, Beckett!"

She laughed and shook her head at him. It was nice to hear a story from his childhood, which was something he didn't really talk much about and she found herself intrigued. She wanted to know more, she wanted to know what kind of little boy he had been, she wanted to know how he came to be what he was now, and she told herself that she was going to start making an effort to find out.

They finished dinner and Kate and Castle began to stack the dishes.

"I'll do the dishes," Johanna offered.

"No you won't," Kate told her, "Go in the room and sit down."

"I don't mind," her mother stated.

"But I do," Kate said. "Castle and I will do the dishes. Go watch TV with Dad."

Johanna frowned, "Because we haven't had nearly enough fun together today."

Kate shrugged, "You did alright during dinner," she told her, "Maybe it'll be okay since we're here."

"Fine," she sighed before walking away in resignation.

She shook her head as she caught the amused glint in Castle's eye and together they began cleaning up as they made small talk. She thought things might be fine between her parents as she didn't hear anything for the first few minutes, but she should've known better.

"Oh look," Kate heard her father say, "It's a show about Wyoming; maybe we'll see your friend Jack."

"Here we go," Kate whispered to Castle.

"Maybe if we keep flipping channels we'll find a show about husbands who are too damn stubborn for their own good and how they drive their wives crazy…I'm sure we'd see you featured on that," Johanna retorted.

Castle snorted as he struggled to hold back a laugh and failed.

The bickering had started in the living room as Johanna demanded the channel be changed as she didn't want to see anything that had to do with Wyoming.

"Hey, Ike, Tina," Kate called out, "You two want to try to behave, we do have company you know."

"It's only Rick," Jim answered. "We don't have anything to hide from him, hell you two are practically married anyway, so he may as well be included in the family."

The plate Kate had been about to dunk beneath the soapy water slipped from her fingers and smacked against the bottom of the sink.

Castle was shaking with silent laughter and his eyes gleamed as he leaned close and whispered, "Why didn't you tell me we were married?"

"Me?" she replied. "I was wondering why you didn't tell me. I think I got ripped off. I didn't get a wedding gift or a honeymoon or anything."

"I'll start planning our honeymoon immediately," he told her.

"Make sure it's somewhere tropical and far, far away," Kate replied with a grin.

He nodded, "I hear Bora-Bora is nice."

"Let me know when it's arranged," she said with a laugh. "I'll pack and be ready."

"No need to pack," he told her, "Just shove a bikini in your purse…you won't need anything else."

She smirked playfully at him, "What about a ring?" she asked. "I'm not going to check into a hotel under your name with no ring. I don't want to be mistaken for some kind of cheap mistress."

"We'll pick up a ring on the way to the airport," he told her. "I'll get you a diamond the size of a robin's egg and there will be no mistaking that you are high class and official."

"I don't think I'd want a ring that flashy," she said with a laugh.

"Okay, I'll get you a very elegant, sedate diamond."

"I don't want to have to squint to see it," she remarked.

"Alright, an elegant, sedate diamond of an appropriate size," he replied.

"That's better," she answered.

"Who knew you were so picky," he teased.

Kate chuckled softly, was she really standing there telling Richard Castle what kind of ring she'd want? Had the earth tilted on its axis? It wasn't a conversation she had envisioned them having, even in the joking manner that it was and yet…she felt those warm fluttery feelings in her stomach and she could imagine the sight of a ring on her finger…a ring he had put there.

She shook her head, clearing the thoughts away. They weren't ready for that yet, she told herself. Castle was laughing quietly at her side as he continued to her parents bickering in the other room and soon she was laughing with him until Johanna exclaimed in a firm serious tone, "That's it, I've had it!"

She shared a look with Castle, "Uh oh," she whispered as they heard footsteps approaching the kitchen.

"Both of you get in here and sit down," Johanna demanded.

"Why?" Kate asked as she watched her mother grab one of the kitchen chairs and carry it off towards the living room.

"Because I said so, Katherine," she replied tersely.

Kate shared a look with Castle who whispered, "Maybe we better play along."

"At least for the moment," she replied as she dried her hands before they moved into the living room.

Johanna had positioned the kitchen chair in front of the coffee table and she was standing beside it, waiting for them to file into the room. She directed them to the sofa where Jim was seated, studiously watching the scene his wife was directing.

Once Kate was seated between Jim and Castle; Johanna sat down on the kitchen chair, facing them.

"What's this about, Mother?" Kate questioned.

"It's about Wyoming," Johanna told her; her gaze serious. "I'm going to tell you all about Wyoming and what I've been doing for the last 13 years; and when I'm finished we can have a question and answer segment, and then maybe we can lay this to rest."

"That's okay," Kate said; a part of her unsure if she really wanted to hear about the years her mother had spent away from them. "You can have that conversation with Dad; Castle and I will go."

"No," Johanna stated firmly, "I'm having this conversation with all of you so sit back down."

Kate dropped back into her place but Castle remained standing, "Maybe I should go anyway," he suggested. "This seems like a family…"

"Sit down," Johanna demanded; interrupting his excuse to flee.

"But...," he began to say.

Her gaze narrowed, "Richard," she said, in a way only a mother could, "Sit."

"Yes ma'am," he replied, dropping back into place, properly chastened despite the fact that she wasn't _his _mother.

Kate glanced at him as her hand slid into his and he squeezed it in return. He didn't know why his presence was demanded by Johanna but maybe he needed to be there anyway, if only for the sole purpose of holding Kate's hand while she listened.

"Now," Johanna began, "I'll tell you all about Wyoming. I lived on a quiet street in a small house that has never felt like a home. It's never felt like a home because it wasn't and has never been my _home_. I just lived there. I wake up _alone_ every morning," she said; addressing that statement directly to Jim.

"I wake up and look around that room and know it's not where I'm supposed to be. I look in the mirror and wonder if I even know who I am any more. Monday thru Friday, I go to work at the college. I teach pre-law courses all day. I lecture, I give tests, and I advise students. I try to prepare them for the path they've chosen, all the while wanting to scream at them to exercise extreme caution in choosing which cases to take on or they may end up like me…a thousand miles from home, forced to be separated from the ones they love, answering to a name that isn't theirs. In between classes, I'm in my office, grading papers, meeting with students, preparing lessons. In the back of my mind is always the thought that if I was home, I'd probably be teaching at Columbia…like I used to do; or maybe I'd be in the courtroom…or maybe I'd be in my office working on a case in between gossiping with Sharon."

She paused for a moment and examined her audience. None of them said a word, but they were all listening and so she took a breath and continued on.

"Two Wednesday's a month I go to faculty meetings. Sometimes if there is a project or a charity event that interests me I participate just to keep myself busy. Every Friday after work I go to the gym with my friend Carolyn. I do my running on a treadmill now instead of outdoors…because running outside lost its allure when I didn't have my partner anymore," she said looking at Kate.

Kate swallowed hard and gripped Castle's hand a little tighter. Her mother had always liked to run when the weather was nice enough and her head needed clearing, and somewhere along the way, Kate had began joining her and soon it was worked into their routine on the weekends; just the two of them, running in the neighborhood in the early evening or morning, whichever was convenient.

"While we're there, Carolyn and I discuss our classes and complain about the deadlines for grades and the kids who just don't care and waste their potential. We talk about books and vent our outrage at Dancing with the Stars eliminations. She talks about her husband and her kids, and her sister who drives her crazy. I talk about nothing…because I can't. She tries sometimes…because I've made a few little slipups along the way. I never could shake the habit of rubbing my ring finger, in search of the wedding rings that I felt naked without. I always say no to dates and fix ups and she knows…she knows that somewhere in my life there was a husband that I'm still in love with and when she's brave enough she begs me to talk about him…and I want to so desperately but I can't…and so she assumes, and I hate what she assumes because I know that she and everyone else believes that I'm a widow…and in some ways I've felt like one because I've been in mourning everyday for thirteen years."

Jim glanced away from her and she paused, waiting for his gaze to come back to her face and when it does she can't read his thoughts; he's put on the mask he developed as a lawyer, the one that could so easily hide his tactics from his opponent, the one that didn't show surprise or emotion when something unexpected occurred in the courtroom.

"Sometimes she begs to know about my daughter," Johanna stated quietly, "Because that was another one of my slip-ups. She wants to know the whole story but she'd settle for just knowing the name of my child…but I never say it…because I knew if I said 'Katie' or 'Jim', I'd crumble and I'd tell her everything. I'd tell her that my name wasn't Meagan…that all I want is to go home and be with my family. So I don't tell her anything. She gets angry with me sometimes, she pushes…she never gets me to move an inch. Sometimes I just walk away, sometimes I cry and she apologizes. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry and tell her it's none of her business and that she may as well stop trying because I'm never going to talk about it. Carolyn's nice enough to forgive me for those moments. Carolyn's the closest friend I have out there…and yet she knows nothing about me."

"Don't you have any other friends?" Kate asked.

She nodded, "There are other women who I claim as friends…they don't try to dig as deep as Carolyn does. They seem to accept the fact that I'm a quiet, private person who would rather speak about anything but herself. They're all people I work with. It's a tight knit group…they include me but I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm always invited to lunches and shopping trips and birthday parties, and sometimes I go, just so I don't have to be alone in that house. They watch me sometimes, like they're trying to figure me out or waiting for me to make another slip and reveal something more about myself, but I don't, and I know they all talk about me when I'm not in earshot. No one really knows me…it's like being an extra in a movie. You're on the screen but you have no story, no lines, and no hope of being anything but a nameless face in the crowd."

"What about Jack?" Jim muttered.

"Jack doesn't know me either," Johanna stated. "He speculates like everyone else, he's aware of the slip ups I've made. He asks me to eat lunch with him once in awhile, which I admit I do on occasion, in the cafeteria, in full view of students and colleagues. It's no different from when I eat lunch with my other friends."

"Except for the fact that he wants to be more than your friend," her husband stated.

"He knows that he will never be more than a friend," Johanna said firmly. "He knows my heart belongs to someone else."

"And how does he know that?" Jim questioned. "You just said that no one knows you."

She swallowed hard, "Because he asked me."

"Are you sure you want to go down that road?" Kate asked quietly as she leaned forward to catch her mother's eye.

Johanna nodded, "I'm sure," she said as the memory rolled through her mind.

_Jack stood in front of her desk, watching her pack up her papers to take home, intent on walking her to her car despite her assurances that it wasn't necessary even though the faculty meeting had ran late and it was now dark outside. He kept watching her and it was unnerving and finally she looked up at him and said, "What?"_

_He remained quiet for a moment, studying her face as he seemed to be debating whether he should say what was on his mind. Finally he seemed to make his decision and he held her gaze as he said, "Carolyn thinks you've been married before."_

_The remark caught her off guard and it ripped the scab off her heart and set it to bleeding again. She dropped her gaze to the top of her desk, feeling the tears sting her eyes as thoughts of her husband flowed into her mind._

"_I take it from your expression that she's correct," Jack stated._

_She said nothing; she didn't trust herself to give an answer. Just let him assume like they all do, she told herself._

"_Meagan," he said, stepping closer to the desk._

_God she hated that name, she thought as she squeezed her eyes closed, forcing back the tears before opening them again, although she still refused to meet his gaze._

"_What happened to him?" he inquired._

"_I don't want to talk about this," she said quietly as she quickly shuffled through the rest of her papers and shoved them into her briefcase._

"_Did he die? Was there a divorce? What happened?"_

_This time her gaze flicked to his in annoyance, "I just told you that I didn't want to talk about it."_

"_You're still in love him," Jack said as he studied her, "Aren't you."_

_The truth slipped from her lips without thought or hesitation, "Yes."_

_He nodded a small gleam of victory in his eyes that he had gotten a minor confession out of her. "Do you think there might ever be a time when…"_

"_No," she said cutting him off._

"_No, what?" he said, "You didn't let me finish."_

"_You don't have to," she remarked, "I know where it's going."_

"_You don't think you'll ever want to move on?" Jack inquired._

"_No," she told him. "I have no desire to move on. I will never move on; I will never love someone else."_

"_Do you think he'd want that?"_

"_Yes."_

"_You deserve better," he told her. "You don't have to be alone."_

"_Just stop," she demanded. "We've had this discussion before and I told you then that I wasn't interested in romantic relationships. I'll be your friend, but nothing more and if that's not enough…than we don't even have to be friends."_

"_I'm not trying to push you into a relationship," he retorted, "I just want to know why. I want to know why you insist on being alone when it isn't necessary."_

"_Well now you know," she said sharply._

"_Actually, I don't think I know anything at all, except the fact that you're in love with someone who obviously can't be with you."_

"_That's my business, not yours."_

"_So it's always going to be this way? You're always going to love him? You're always going to deny yourself happiness?"_

_Johanna held his gaze, her blood simmering with anger, and pain ripping through her heart. "Yes," she stated firmly, "There is no happiness without him. I will always love him. Always. No one is going to change that, not you, not any man, and I'm never going to change my mind."_

_He took a step back, sensing that he'd pushed too much, "Alright, Meg. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you I just don't understand why your life is such a big secret."_

_She swallowed hard, "Look, it's my life, and it's my business and I don't have to share it with anyone and I'm not going to, so just let it go. This conversation is over, and I expect it to stay in this room, because if it doesn't, I will never speak to you again."_

_Jack held her gaze for a long moment and then nodded, "Fine. I won't question you about it anymore."_

"_That's good," Johanna told him, "Because you'll just be wasting your time."_

_Jack, however, still had an ounce of determination left in him, "I won't give up hope though that you might change your mind one day."_

_She shook her head as she grabbed her keys and slung her purse over her shoulder as she picked up her briefcase. "Goodnight, Jack," she said sharply as she fled her office. He followed behind her, but he kept his distance and for that she was grateful. She felt his eyes on her as she got into her car but she didn't acknowledge him as she pulled out of the lot. The tears started falling before she could even make it to her street and she was tempted, not for the first time, to turn the car around and drive across country until she found herself back in New York, taking the familiar turns that would take her back home to Jim._

When she finished explaining her conversation with Jack, only Kate and Rick looked convinced so she moved on, thinking that maybe Jim would talk to her about it later.

"Night time is the worst," she informed them; her tone soft and mournful as thirteen years of lonely nights sweep through her mind. "It's so quiet there…so impossibly quiet that you can't help but be tormented by your thoughts as you lay awake and stare at the ceiling or the numbers on the clock. I lay there in that bed, _alone, _and I cry, and I wish to be home, in my bed, with my husband, and I hate myself…deep, undying hate. I lay awake and wonder where the two of you are, what you're doing, if you're okay…if you still love me. I think about all the things I'm missing out on, the years that are going by, wasted and empty. I feel that steel band around my heart squeeze a little tighter and sometimes I'd lie there convinced that the night would never end, that I might not survive it…and sometimes in the worst of moments, I hoped I wouldn't.

It's an open secret that I'm going to be different once November sets in," Johanna told them. "I'm going to be even more quiet and reserved and distracted. I'm not going to talk about it when pressed. I'll deny that anything is wrong, but they all know I'm lying, they all know I'm hiding something, and they know it's going to last for several months. Slip ups have provided them with a few pieces of the puzzle; they just don't know where the pieces fit. They don't know that November sends me into a downward spiral because that's my daughter's birth month."

Kate fidgeted in her seat as her gaze flicked away from her mother's face. She leaned closer to Castle, trying desperately to suppress the urge to flee the room. She didn't want to hear this, but apparently her mother had decided to take her advice and she was going to make them listen, and if she made an escape, she knew her mother would just corner her later because she was determined now, she'd had enough and was at her breaking point, and so Kate remained in place, leaning into Castle, her hand wrapped so tightly around his that she was sure she was probably cutting off the circulation and yet she couldn't let go or even loosen her grip.

Johanna swallowed hard, "There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of you, both of you; but when November sets in…my mind is flooded with thoughts of my child. Another year that's passed without seeing her, touching her, hearing her voice, her laugh, telling her I love her. Being separated from your child is a pain like no other…it's indescribable…there's just no words to describe that feeling of loss, of failure, of longing. Every November 17, I sit down and write you a letter, Katie. I've written you a letter for every birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day…every January…I write you a letter for any random day of the week when I hurt so badly with thoughts of you that I just have to let it out.

"What do you do with the letters?" Kate asked quietly.

"I kept them in hopes that one day they would find their way to you," she answered. "There's a whole box full."

"I want them," she stated, surprising herself in the process, at the thought and acceptance of the fact that she wanted to read the words her mother had written to her.

"We'll have to find away to get them to you," Johanna answered; and then looking at Jim she added, "And your box too…because there is a letter for you for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and those days when I just had to feel like I was talking to you in some way."

He nodded in response, but he remained silent, his thoughts and feelings still in a state of chaos.

She took a moment to compose herself and then she carried on. "The holidays come and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until it's over," she confessed. "Carolyn always invites me to spend the holidays with her and her family but I never go. If I can't spend the holidays with my own family then I'm not spending them with anyone, so on Christmas Eve, I shut myself up in that house, with the blinds closed and the door locked and my phone turned off. I stay in bed and wallow in my misery and I don't emerge until the 26th…sometimes the 27th. I stay home on New Years Eve, with the television tuned to the coverage in Times Square…wishing I was standing there in the crowd like I had done so many times before…and I've yet to make it through without some sort of breakdown as I watch another year slip into the past and a new one present itself. Another year to be spent alone, as I die a little more inside, and then January sets in…and that chill in the air reminds me all the more of what I've done…of the lie I live. That day creeps up like a black cloud and it suffocates me, crippling me, and making me wish that I had done it differently or that they hadn't saved me at all…and I know…it can't possibly compare to the pain you've suffered every year on that day when that remembrance comes back; but it's there, and I feel it."

Castle cast a glance at the two people sharing the sofa with him. Neither one of them was looking at Johanna. Jim had turned his head to the side, his gaze focused on some invisible point on the wall, one hand clenched into a tight fist, the other had covered Kate's unoccupied hand as it rested against her knee, and he wasn't sure if Jim was trying to give his child comfort, or if he were trying to derive comfort from her for himself. His gaze flicked to Kate, who had lowered her head as she listened to Johanna's narrative; her hair falling across her face enough to shield his view of her eyes, but he had caught a glimpse of her teeth sinking into her bottom lip in a way that looked painful and he didn't doubt that she was trying to hold back tears. Finally he allowed his eyes to travel back to Johanna, her spine stiff as she faced them, her throat constricting with her own emotions that she was holding back. He could see how painful it was for her to not only speak of the years that she had been away, but also the fact that she was forcing the two people she loved most to listen. He didn't envy the task, he wouldn't blame her if she broke down and cried or decided to abruptly end what she had started, but she didn't. She was, somehow, holding it together as she forced herself not to lower her head or shift her gaze elsewhere. The only giveaway that she wasn't as confident as she seemed were those moments when she allowed her foot to tap against the floor in nervousness before catching herself and stopping. He saw her take a breath, and then steel herself as she prepared to carry on.

"I don't celebrate my birthday, no one even knows when it is and that's how I prefer it. I'm not worth celebrating, especially when the people who always made that day special for me aren't there," she told them. "Same with Valentines Day, which I've learned to detest. Mother's Day is hell. My husband's birthday is no better…and then there is August. August 18th rips whats left of my heart wide open," she said; her gaze solely upon Jim. It bleeds uncontrollably as I remember the happiest day of my life…and the years that followed it," she smiled wistfully, "And those precious years that preceded it. Every moment of that day is spent drowning in memories of us, Jim," she whispered.

He forced himself not to look at her, if he did he'd crack and he wasn't ready to put aside his feelings of anger and frustration, but he listened intently, a part of him taking note of the pain in her tone.

Her emotions were dangerously close to the surface as she broached the topic of their anniversary and she had to force herself not to cry as she kept her hands folded tightly against one another so no one could see the tremors in them. "That's the day I drink," she admitted quietly, wondering if it was wise to make that confession to him, but she did it anyway, hoping that her honesty wouldn't cause harm to him and his own sobriety. "I drink and I write to you. I fill page after page with memories, with words of how much I love you, miss you, and need you and want you. When I can't hold the pen anymore, and the world is starting to spin in front of my eyes, I go to bed and continue to cry until I finally sleep, and even in my sleep, my dreams are of you, and of how badly I want to be here with you."

"Of course it doesn't have to be a specific date to make my mind wander, or to send me into a memory induced tailspin," Johanna stated. "A summer like day in April is sure to put me in mind of Atlantic City…and the fun and freedom and romance of that long ago weekend. Snow days make me think of Katie and her snow angels and the times we'd play in the snow together. A song on the radio can remind me of a dance, of a certain teenage girl who used to blast it from her stereo on repeat for weeks on end. The sight of a black dress, the smell of cherry scented shower gel, candle light, a red rose…just about anything can bring it all back to me, not that it's ever far away, but still it slams into me hard, knocking the wind out of me and bringing me to my knees. That's what I've been doing for the past thirteen years; going through the motions of living, but I don't live…because my life, my heart, my soul, it's all here in New York with the two of you. I'm just an empty shell in Wyoming, I try to keep busy so I don't drown completely, but my head is barely above the water and it's always in the back of my mind that at any moment I could go under. There were times when I was tempted to allow it to happen, but I held on because somewhere inside I was convinced that I'd get to come home. I got onto the plane without a second glance backwards…I left Meagan behind without a second thought, because I hate her, because I wanted to be Johanna again…even though I hate her too. Wyoming isn't home, those people that I claim as friends have no emotional hold on me, nothing and no one there means anything to me. That's what life has been like for me, it's me going through the motions even when I don't want to…living in my own personal hell as I take one nightmare of a day after another as I waited to come home; and New York is my home, my heart is owned by Jim and Katie Beckett, and nothing or no one will ever change that."

"Any questions?" Johanna asked after she gave them all a few minutes to digest what she had said.

Kate shook her head, "No, that's all I need to know for now," she said quietly.

Johanna held her gaze, "If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"Okay," she agreed and then she subtly nudged her father, hoping he would say something in response to what he had just heard but he only squeezed her hand that he was still covering in response.

"Jim," Johanna said; thinking that maybe if she called him out she'd get some type of reaction.

"I don't have any new questions," he answered, and although his tone was quiet and his expression pensive, they all heard the words that he didn't say which implied that he still had the same questions as before, along with the doubts about his wife's faithfulness.

"Dad," Kate couldn't help but sigh.

"It's fine, Katie," Johanna said quietly.

It wasn't fine but she wasn't going to involve herself any further in their argument, nor did she want to start an argument between herself and her father.

"Rick," Johanna said turning her attention to him. "Anything you want to know?"

"No," he answered. "You don't have to explain yourself to me."

"Yes I do," she remarked. "You're in this mess with Katie and you're important to her so you deserve the whole story."

"Are we done now?" Kate asked as she didn't know how much more she could take.

Johanna's gaze swept across them, taking in their expressions. Rick looked sympathetic, Katie was holding back her emotions but she didn't seem to doubt anything she had heard, and Jim, once again had his mask in place and it was hard for her to get a read on him. She sighed, "We're done."

Castle felt Kate relax at his side and her grip on his hand eased. He watched as Johanna got up from her chair and moved to carry it back to the kitchen. Her expression betrayed little but he had a feeling that she was disappointed that her efforts had fallen flat where her husband was concerned.

"Let's finish the dishes, Castle," Kate said but as they rose from the sofa her phone rang.

"Or maybe not," Castle said, and it didn't escape his notice that she looked almost hopeful as she pulled the device from her pocket. He listened as she took the call, giving the standard answers that told him it was work related.

"Body?" he asked when she hung up.

"Yeah," she answered before scurrying around, grabbing her gun and keys and hooking her badge back onto her waistband before calling Johanna back out of the kitchen.

"I have to go," she told her, "Will you two be alright?"

"I'll be fine," she answered.

"Go on, Katie," Jim stated. "Don't worry about us."

She and Castle headed out the door and when they got onto the elevator she turned to him and said, "You probably wish you would've been busy tonight or that you had let me revoke the invitation."

He shook his head, "No," he said, "Dinner was great, everything was fine."

"No it wasn't," she replied. "When things were quiet it was awkward and there was their occasional bickering and then her little chat and…I'm sorry, Castle."

"Kate," he said as he tugged her into his arms, "There's nothing to be sorry for, it was fine. As long as I was with you, their silence and occasional bickering didn't matter…in fact I found some of the bickering entertaining, I did get promoted to 'practically your husband'," he reminded her lightly.

She laughed, "Make sure you plan that honeymoon," she told him. "I'm in desperate need of a vacation."

"You got it," he replied. "Somewhere tropical and far, far away."

"That sounds so good," she said as the elevator stopped and she was forced to step out of his embrace.

He stopped her in the lobby and looked her in the eye, "Are you okay…with hearing your mom talk about her life in Wyoming?"

She bit her lip but she nodded, "It wasn't easy to listen to, and it's not easy to think about what she went through but maybe I haven't really allowed myself to think about what it must've truly been like for her…but I'm okay, and I hope if nothing else that she feels better getting some of that off her chest."

"I'm sure it is probably a relief to her," he agreed, "But I could tell that she was hoping for a better reaction from your father."

"I know," she said as she stepped back into his embrace for a moment, "I'm glad you were there with me…it made it easier."

He hugged her tightly and when she moved to step away, he held onto her, "You promised me a kiss earlier."

She smiled, "So I did," she answered before kissing him the way she had wanted to in the break room.

"That was so worth the wait," he commented when it was over.

Kate blushed and laughed softly, "Let's go to work, Castle."

* * *

As midnight approached, Johanna gave up any hope that Kate would be back anytime soon. She sighed, she was going to have to bring up the issue of sleeping arrangements and she knew that when she did so a certain level of rejection would come with it as she doubted that he'd want to share a bed with her.

"Are you going to bed?" she asked, not knowing how else to broach the topic.

His gaze flicked to her face for the first time in hours. "You go on," he told her. "I'll wait for Katie."

"If she isn't back by now than chances are she won't be home until morning," Johanna told him. "There's no reason for you to sit up all night."

"I'll sleep here," he replied.

She rolled her eyes, "You've never been able to sleep well on a couch," she remarked.

"I'll make do."

"Jim," she sighed, feeling weary as she looked at the unsettled expression on his face. She was becoming so very tired of all this and holding herself together while she talked about Wyoming had left her drained.

"Johanna…I just can't be next to you right now. I'm sorry," he said gently, and a part of him regretted his rejection of her as hurt flicked across her features.

"Who said I'd be next to you?" she retorted.

"Well where else would you be?" he asked. "I doubt Katie would think much of coming home to find you sleeping on the couch."

"I'll sleep in Katie's room until she gets back," Johanna remarked. "And then I'll wake you up so you can leave because that's what you want to do anyway!"

"It's obvious that you want me to go, Johanna," he replied.

"You're right," she told him, her voice thick with emotion. "I do want you to go, but not because I don't want you here. I know that sometimes you need to be alone to work things out, and maybe if we had some space between us you could do that, because this isn't working for us. Forcing you to sit here with me day after day only makes its worse, because you know it isn't my nature not to try and fix things…and the more I try to explain and fix this, the more you resist and fight me and I can't stand to sit here and feel your eyes on me and know that you're judging me."

The knowledge that things had deteriorated so far that she wanted him to leave hurt but he didn't react to it. That small part of his brain that was still somehow managing to function with a bit of rationality figured that he deserved it and knew that she was only lashing out at him in regards to her own anger and hurt.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore tonight," he stated, his tone quiet and void of anger.

"Then don't," she whispered.

"Go to bed, Jo," he told her.

She held his gaze, "Where?" she asked; a part of her hoping that his softer tone meant he might change his mind and come and lay down with her despite their anger with one another, because truth be told, that was all she wanted.

"In Katie's room, like you said," he answered.

She swallowed hard, and blinked a few times to keep her eyes clear of moisture. Hopes could be dashed so easily…she should know that by now.

"Goodnight," she whispered as she got up from the chair and walked away at a brisk pace.

She shut herself away in Kate's room, her head falling against the closed door in defeat. She wanted to cry and yet she felt reluctant to allow herself the luxury. It seemed as though that was all she did. In Wyoming, tears had been her constant companions and now she was home…and they were still keeping her company, day and night whether it be over Katie or over Jim. She wondered if maybe one day she'd simply run out of tears to shed.

She moved away from the door and clicked on the lamp until she pulled back the covers and climbed into Kate's bed. She hoped she wouldn't mind that she was borrowing it. She shut off the light and wiggled around until she found a comfortable spot. She heard Jim in the hallway, making his way to her room and she squeezed her eyes shut. Why couldn't he have just given in a little? She thought that maybe after she had talked about Wyoming that maybe it would've softened things or at least opened the door to a more rational, open conversation but it hadn't. Once Kate and Rick had left, silence had fallen and when she had asked him if he wanted to talk about it some more, his response had been a gruff 'no' and then he had said nothing to her until she broached the topic of where they were each going to sleep.

She had hoped that maybe he would hold her once they were alone, that he might offer her some measure of affection after she had bared her soul and told them just how awful life had been without them. The tears were welling up again and she took deep breaths to hold them back. She just wanted to lie next to him…she just wanted him. It had been five days since he had kissed her, five days since she had been in his arms, six days since the last time she heard him say he loved her. It was ridiculous to keep track…but that was a habit she had acquired in Wyoming, only back then she kept track of how many months, days, and years had passed since she had been with her family. She thought her tallying days were over…apparently she had been wrong.

Jim pulled open one of the dresser drawers with the intent of changing his clothes for bed, but he paused, taking in the sight of the clothes had been keeping there as they rested next to some of Johanna's. He couldn't help but think about how nice it was to see that sight once again, to have some of his things mixed up in hers. A shadow of a smile crossed his lips as he recalled how sometimes she had bypassed her own pajamas and nightgowns in favor of one of his shirts. He released a heavy breath, it seemed as though everything he did and everywhere he looked, he could be reminded of a memory that he held dear in relation to his wife…it was almost as if the universe was trying to tell him something. He changed clothes and then pulled back the covers on the bed but instead of climbing into it, he sat down on the foot of it.

He should just go back to the couch, he thought to himself. How was he going to sleep in a bed that smelled of her strawberry soap and perfume? If he was able to find sleep, he knew that he'd constantly be reaching for her every time he rolled over and smelled those scents that were unique to her. He ran a hand through his hair, yeah, he should've just stayed on the couch…or maybe he should've just shared the bed with her.

It was funny how anger worked, he thought to himself. He could feel positively livid with her and yet still want her all at the same time. It just didn't make sense. He looked down at his hands, more specifically at the wedding band on his finger that he had never taken off. He had half expected her to take off her engagement ring in the aftermath of their fight but she hadn't, and she was still wearing her wedding band on the chain around her neck. He moved his hand a little, allowing the light to hit the gold band he wore. The part of him that functioned solely as her husband had wanted to comfort her after she had spoken about her life in Wyoming and yet the other part of himself hadn't allowed it. He had seen the tears she was holding back, and he had almost crumbled. He was still unsure about the truthfulness of her statements regarding Jack, but he had no doubt in his mind that she had been telling the truth about everything else that she spoke of about her life in Wyoming.

He didn't like to hurt her…it didn't make him feel good, but he was hurt too. He was hurt and yet a part of him just wanted to gather her up in his arms and hold her and promise her that the next thirteen years would be better than the last, but he couldn't…because now he wasn't so sure what the future held for them.

He hated this. He hated being at war with himself, he hated having to doubt her. He should just cross the hall and pick her up out of that bed and carry her back to her own…and then join her. She'd come to him if he reached for her, he knew she would despite her own anger and frustration. He had seen it in her eyes when she asked where she should sleep. That was all he had to do, cross the hallway, pull her out of that bed and bring her back to hers…lay her down and lose himself in her for awhile, make them both forget, make them both feel better for a little while and before he could think about what he was doing, he was on his feet and moving towards the door and just as his hand reached for the knob, his doubts came back, and the image of Jack's name on her phone came back to haunt him and his hand fell away. He couldn't. He just couldn't go to her tonight, not when he was still conflicted about what the truth was between her and Jack. He retreated and then climbed into her bed…alone…surrounded by her scent and her belongings scattered around the room.

* * *

Kate sighed tiredly as she glanced at her watch. "Let's call it a night guys. We'll pick up where we left off in the morning."

She didn't have to tell them twice. Ryan and Esposito said their goodbyes and then scurried towards the exit, leaving her and Castle to follow in their wake. They were quiet until they got into the car and then he turned towards Kate and said, "I have a solution for your mother's problem."

"Which one?"

"The stir crazy one."

"I'm listening."

"When I took that phone call earlier, it was my mother and she asked about our evening and I mentioned Johanna's need for a change of scenery and she said that she would be home tomorrow and that she wouldn't mind if your mom was to spend the day with her.

Kate considered the idea for a moment, it sounded like a good plan. Castle's building was secure, in fact it was probably more secure than her own and she could request a unit to watch the building. It would also provide her mother with someone her own age to talk to and maybe Martha could help her in some way, even if it was just letting her unburden herself.

"That's a great idea, Castle," she stated. "I'm sure she'd love to spend the day with Martha as long as it's alright with the two of you."

"It's fine," he replied, "And you don't have to worry, she'll be safe there. I'll make sure the doorman knows that no one is to get to my door with exception of us and Alexis."

She nodded, "Sounds good. I'm sure my parents will be relieved to get away from each other for the day. I'll bring her over after breakfast."

"I told you I'd think of something," he gloated.

Kate smiled, "Thanks, Rick," she said softly, dropping one hand from the wheel to take his for a moment.

'Anytime," he promised and then after a moment he added, "But you owe me, so next time my mother needs a judge for her costumes or whatever else, I'm sending her to you."

"Fair enough," she said with a laugh.

Her hand moved back to the wheel and he settled back into against his seat. He hoped a day apart would soothe things between Jim and Johanna because he was forming a plan for Kate for Saturday night and Jim was going to have to deal with his wife because his daughter's presence was going to be required elsewhere.

It was a little after four when Kate entered her apartment finding it dark and quiet. She saw no one on the couch and she hoped that was a good sign as she knew her father wouldn't have gone home and let her mother alone. She crept down the hallway quietly, her gaze straying toward the closed door of the guest room. The thought of knocking and announcing that she was home wasn't an option. If they were in there together, then she wasn't going to interfere. Maybe there would be peace once again.

She moved to her own bedroom door and opened it and then rolled her eyes as she realized her mother was sound asleep in her bed. So much for the restoration of peace she thought. She entered the room quietly, toeing off her shoes before removing her badge and gun and then quickly changing into her pajamas. When she was finished she moved to the side of the bed her mother was occupying and nudged her awake.

"Hey, Goldilocks, what are you doing in my bed?" Kate asked her.

"Your father didn't want to sleep with me," Johanna mumbled sleepily, her eyes still closed.

Kate scoffed, "As much as it pains me to say so, I think he does want to sleep with you and that's part of the reason for this torrid family squabble we have going on here."

"Torrid family squabble?" Johanna said as she cracked an eye open. "Someone's been spending too much time with a writer."

Kate shot her a look, "You shouldn't complain about that; rumor has it that you have him pegged as your future son-in-law."

Johanna sat up, swinging her legs off the bed and then shrugged, "All mothers do a little son-in-law shopping from time to time."

"I can do my own shopping, thank you very much," Kate informed her.

"You don't have to get huffy," Johanna replied. "Obviously we're both browsing in the same aisle…that has to tell you something."

"Let's not get off topic here," Kate told her mother, "We were talking about you and Dad and your...issue."

"Yeah, well I…," Johanna began to say but trailed off as she looked up at her daughter. "I can't talk to you about that."

"It's not like I want you to," her daughter answered, and even in the dim early morning light, she could see her cringe at the thought of it.

Johanna sighed, "It's times like these when I really miss Sharon," she said as she thought of her old friend.

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered because she didn't know what else to say. She sympathized with her longing for her best friend; she knew there were times when she'd be lost if she didn't have Lanie.

"It's not your fault," her mother murmured as she glanced around for the clock. "What time is it?"

"After four," she answered as her mother rose from the bed. "Where are you going?"

"The couch," she replied, because she wasn't about to go wake Jim even though she had told him that she would. "I was just borrowing your bed until you got home."

"How did this come about anyway?" Kate asked.

Johanna told her about the discussion she and Jim had about sleeping arrangements and when she was finished, Kate shook her head in amusement.

"You don't make any sense at all, Mother," she told her. "You're mad at him and yet you give up your bed so he can sleep in comfort."

"I know," she replied, "But that doesn't mean I want him to be uncomfortable…god knows there's enough discomfort around here at the moment and besides, he was never able to sleep well on a couch and that would just make his already surly disposition worse which wouldn't do me any good in the long run."

Kate gave her a small smile, "Well don't worry, you're getting a break tomorrow…or should I say today?"

"Really?" Johanna asked hopefully. "Does he have something else to do?"

"No," she replied. "Martha's going to be home tomorrow so I'm going to take you over there for the day; that is if that's alright with you."

Johanna smiled, "That's perfect," she answered. "It'll be so nice to get out of here for awhile, and nice to have someone else to talk to…no offense of course."

"None taken," Kate assured.

Johanna resumed her trek towards the door, "Get some sleep, Katie."

"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Kate told her, "Go get in your bed, he'll be asleep, he won't notice."

"That's what you think," she replied with a slight laugh.

"You can stay here then," she told her. "We can make do for a few hours."

"That's alright," her mother said as she opened the door, "I'll be fine. You get some rest."

Kate knew it was futile to argue so she said goodnight and allowed her to go.

* * *

The next morning, Martha locked the door of the loft after indulging Kate by listening to the instructions that she already knew. The door was to remain locked and they weren't to leave the apartment. She made her way back to Johanna who was still standing in the same spot where Kate had left her.

"You'll have to overlook Katie," Johanna told her. "In the process of being my protector she's acquired the habit of sounding like my mother."

"Oh that's alright," Martha told her as she motioned for her to follow her to the living room. "Make yourself comfortable. Richard told me that you've been having a bad week, but he didn't elaborate."

"I just don't know what to do anymore, Martha," Johanna said quietly as she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the opposite end of the sofa from Martha.

"What happened?" she inquired.

She smiled wearily as she glanced up at the ceiling, "Everything went to hell."

"Can't be everything," Martha replied gently, "I noticed that someone hugged you goodbye before she left."

She nodded, "I didn't mean Katie."

"Jim?"

Her throat constricted with a sob but she swallowed it, "Yeah."

"You want to tell me about it?"

Johanna nodded and then told her the whole story of the time they had been spending together, their argument and the chilly days that had followed between them.

"I just don't know what to do anymore, Martha," she told her when she finished, anguish in her voice. "The more he keeps to himself, and the more he refuses to listen…I just…yesterday I found myself looking at him and having such terrible thoughts in my mind."

"What thoughts?" Martha asked as she studied her expression.

She sucked in a breath, "I found myself wondering, "Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to keep fighting? Maybe it's too far gone, maybe it's too broken to fix…maybe he's being so stubborn because he's changed his mind. Maybe he doesn't want to be roped back into a marriage with me…and I don't want to force him to be with me, especially if he doesn't trust me. What type of marriage is that to have? Is he always going to wonder if I'm lying to him? Am I always going to have to walk on egg shells so he doesn't throw it in my face about what I've done? Am I always going to have to live my life in fear and scrutiny? And then I hated myself for even thinking that, because of course he's worth it, he's worth everything…but what if he doesn't think it's worth it anymore?

"Do you really think that?" she inquired softly.

"I don't know," Johanna answered. "I think it's about more than just a phone call."

Martha chose her words carefully, "You said that he accused you of holding back with him…are you?"

"No," she answered. "Not in the way he means. I guess I've been holding back in the respect that...it's awkward to carry on that part of our relationship in our daughter's home."

"She's not always there," Martha said, "Can't you…make use of that time."

"It's not as easy as you'd think it would be," Johanna replied. "Even when she's not there I have to contend with phone calls and sometimes she comes home to check on things…so there's always the worry that…I'll be humiliated," she told her. "I managed to keep her from walking in on us when she was a kid, and I'd like to keep avoiding that now that she's an adult."

Her friend laughed softly, "I'm sure the door locks."

"But still," Johanna said, laughing with her even as her cheeks heated with embarrassment. "It's not the ideal place for privacy."

"Can't you and Kate work something out…some sort of 'stay away' code?"

"Oh god," Johanna said, "We had that conversation when she figured out that she had interrupted something with one of her phone calls…it was terrible."

"I would've liked to have been a fly on the wall for that one," Martha commented.

"No you wouldn't," Johanna said as she shook her head, "I didn't even want to be there for it."

Martha laughed, "Thirteen years is a long time, Johanna."

"I'm aware of that," she answered, "Even my daughter saw fit to tell me that…during our second awkward talk about my sex life, and just let me say that you know it's bad when even your daughter is telling you it needs to be done."

Martha was still laughing, "I'm surprised the two of you can look each other in the eye," she remarked. "If it was that bad for you, I can imagine how it was for Kate."

"It wasn't pretty," she admitted and then after a moment she said, "It's not that I don't want to…be with him. I do…I really, really, do and I was ready to put all of those stupid worries aside for a day and just let things…happen," she stated, "But the day I planned to do that, Jack called and ruined everything."

"Let's talk about Jack," Martha said. "Tell me about him."

"Jack is just a friend…he's just…there," she said, and Martha could tell that her tone held no hint of emotion that she was attached in any way to the man.

"Just there?" she inquired.

Johanna nodded, "Yeah, he's just _there_. I don't care if he's there and I don't care if he's not. He's not someone who occupies my thoughts. He's a nice man and he means well but…there's nothing there. I don't look at him and feel anything…there's no attraction, no desire, no temptation or wondering what it might be like. There's just nothing. He's just someone who is there."

Martha didn't doubt her, but she asked questions anyway, "There was never temptation?"

"No."

"You never just thought about…being with him…just for the sake of being with someone?"

"No," Johanna told her. "Never. If I couldn't be with the person I wanted than I didn't want to be with anyone."

"Did he ever try?

"Try what?"

Martha chuckled, "Try anything," she said, "Did he ever kiss you?"

"I pushed him away," she replied.

Martha's brow rose, "Before…or after?"

"Before!" she exclaimed.

Her friend chuckled softly and laid a soothing hand on her wrist, "Don't get upset," she told her, "I just wanted to be sure, I wouldn't judge you if it had been afterwards."

"But I would," Johanna replied. "I would've never forgiven myself if I had allowed it to happen."

"How did he take that?" Martha asked.

She shrugged, "Honestly I didn't think much about how he reacted to it, I was too busy telling him that it was never going to happen and that he shouldn't bother attempting it again because I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship."

"And did he ever try again?"

"Almost."

"Almost?"

Johanna nodded, "I could tell he was thinking about attempting it so I removed myself from the situation before he could make up his mind. He's just convinced that I'm going to change my mind one day, even though I keep telling him that I'm not."

"Why keep talking to him then?" Martha asked. "Why not just sever the friendship."

"Because I work with him and my office is across the hall from him and I…I just didn't want to make things awkward or make trouble. It's different there than it is here," she remarked, "They're kind people but…everyone seems to know everything, especially at work and I just didn't need the drama. He doesn't relentlessly pursue me…it's just that every once in awhile he takes it into his head to try again."

"I see," Martha said; and for a moment she was afraid that Martha didn't see at all and that she was forming the wrong idea.

"I don't encourage him," she felt it necessary to say. "It's not like I flirt with him or give any sign that I'm inclined towards romance."

"Why haven't you?" she inquired. "With things the way they were you would've been well with in your rights to be with someone if you wanted, so why not have a relationship with this man. Obviously he cares about you and would like to be something more."

"I don't care if he wants more, I don't care if he has feelings for me. It's just…he's not Jim," she stated. "And if it's not Jim than it can't be anyone. Like I said, I look at Jack and there's nothing there."

Martha smiled in understanding, "But that's not how it was with Jim, right?"

"The first time I looked into Jim's eye's…I just had to know him," Johanna said; her tone wistful for those long ago days. "I won't say it was love at first sight, because it wasn't…but I admit to having a crush right from the start."

She laughed softly, "Is that right?"

Johanna nodded, a small smile curving her lips upward despite the glimmer of tears that lingered in her eyes. "How could I not?" she said in remembrance. "He was handsome…of course I shouldn't say was, he still is handsome, time hasn't changed that," she said before turning her thoughts back to the path they had been on, "But he was also very kind, and warm, and…he was just this person that I had to get to know. I was drawn to him…despite the fact that he assumed I was a secretary," she added with a laugh.

Martha chuckled, "I take it you had an interesting first meeting."

She laughed lightly and nodded and than set about telling Martha about the day she had met Jim.

"Of course you know that after that statement was made I had it in my head that I had to prove myself to him," Johanna said as she wrapped up the story.

"That's our nature," she agreed. "If someone thinks we're incapable of something we have to go out and prove them wrong…especially if it's a man."

Johanna laughed, "Most definitely if it's a man…in my case, especially that one. I don't mean it to sound like he disrespected me or thought that I wasn't capable of doing the job, because he wasn't like that; it just annoyed me to no end that he assumed that I was a secretary. It wasn't an easy profession to be in at that time," she said her gaze flicking to Martha, "But of course I don't have to tell you how things were in the 70's, you were there, I'm sure you suffered as much discrimination as I did."

Martha nodded, "I know exactly what you're talking about; the theater was in no way exempt from discrimination, and neither was any other job I had to take on to help make ends meet."

"It wasn't easy," Johanna said again in agreement with her ally, "But Jim was always there looking after me, despite my assurances that I could take care of myself."

She sounded wistful and Martha wanted to know her story, the whole story and so she looked at her in understanding and compassion and said softly, "Tell me about your life, Johanna."

"What about it?"

"Everything," she told her. "Everything you're comfortable telling me."

Johanna nodded and then allowed her words to flow, weaving her life story for Martha with barely any thought at all as the hours passed.

It was so very easy to talk to her; she didn't have to censor herself with her, she didn't have to worry about saying something that might cause offense or worsen a sore spot of the heart or earning someone's ire. Martha's kind blue eyes never held judgment; nor did they contain pity. Johanna looked into those eyes and saw the understanding she had been longing for, she saw compassion, and she saw someone who was willing to listen to anything she had to say.

Martha allowed her to take her time, to go off on some side tangent or to fall into silence until she found the right words to convey what was on her mind. Martha gently prodded and prompted, listening intently to the stories that slipped past her lips about her life, her childhood, her rocky relationship with her father, the bond she had with her mother. She told her how she and Jim had come to be, she spoke of motherhood and its ups and downs. She took a deep breath and told her about January 1999 and the thirteen hellish years that had followed. She spoke of Wyoming, of the life she had been forced to endure. She told her about the evening of Kate's shooting, those black thoughts that haunted her, her almost constant states of depression. She spoke of Carolyn…and Jack. She told her about the decision and journey home. Every word she spoke, every memory she relayed, every tear, laugh, and every ache she shared with her helped ease the burden from her slender shoulders, and it felt so very freeing.

She had forgotten how good it was just to talk without worrying about saying the wrong thing. In a few short hours, Martha knew more about her than Carolyn had ever been able to gleam in thirteen years. Finally her words carried her back to the present, all the thoughts and feelings she had been having, and eventually her topic was carried back to her current problems with Jim and how frustrated she was with the whole situation.

"Maybe it's time to push back, Johanna," Martha said softly as she took her hand. "Maybe it's time for you to lay your cards on the table and see where you stand."

Johanna exhaled a shuddering breath as she swiped at her eyes and then she turned her gaze to Martha's face, "What if I make the wrong play? What if this is the hand I lose?"

She couldn't lie to her and tell her that losing her husband wasn't a possibility, and she wouldn't, because Johanna was smarter than that and she didn't deserve to be patronized. "Then that is how it's meant to be," she said quietly.

The thought of not being with Jim was like having a ton of bricks dropped on her and she could feel the weight of that fear pressing against her heart. It would be the cruelest form of punishment to lose him after everything they had been through, to have nearly forty years go down the drain and she didn't know how she'd cope or who she was if she didn't have Jim.

"What do I do then?" Johanna whispered. "What do I do if I lose him now?

Martha looked her in the eye, "The only thing you can do," she told her. "You pick yourself up and be thankful for the years you had, the brief time you had together when you came home. You cherish that love and you let him go…you move on. You'll still have Kate…and you'll have to make yourself content with that."

That was what she was afraid of and what if she couldn't be content with just having her daughter? Kate was a grown woman now, she had her own life, a life that kept her busy with the line of work she was in and then there was her relationship with Rick that seemed to grow day by day and Johanna imagined it would continue to do so and naturally progress to the point where they'd be married and have a family of their own. Kate wouldn't want her around all the time, hovering and interfering. She wouldn't want the burden of being the only person in her life. She'd end up alone…oh sure, Kate wouldn't abandon her completely, she'd call and come around every so often, but Johanna could see the years stretching out before her and she could envision the bleakness of a future that didn't include Jim. She could see herself in a small apartment, waking up and going to sleep alone just as she had in Wyoming only it would be a thousand times worse then it was before, because there would be no hope of his arms to go home to one day; no hope that they'd be able to fulfill those dreams they had. Jim would become the one who got away, and to be so near him only to be denied would cripple her.

It wasn't that her daughter wasn't enough, she was everything to her in her own way, but Jim was everything to her too. Each of them had a piece of her heart and if her husband cast her aside, if he gave up on her…how would she be able to go on with a heart that was no longer whole?

Martha watched the emotion play across her features and she squeezed her hand, a part of her feeling as though she should've given her something more hopeful but a happy ending wasn't guaranteed here. She hoped there would be one for Johanna's sake, but perhaps her friend had to accept the possibility that it might not work out the way she had planned.

"Do you think there's any hope?" Johanna asked softly as she began to lose the battle with her emotions.

Martha nodded and gave her a small smile, "There's always hope, darling. Sometimes things get blown so out of proportion that it can very well look like the end, but then somewhere along the way, the dust settles and someone comes to their senses and it all works out."

If she was going to have to sit down and lay her cards on the table with Jim, then she was going to have to have her breakdown first. With that thought in mind she allowed herself to crumble, the tears coming in torrents and sobs as Martha held onto her hand, lending her a quiet brand of comfort and strength.

When she was through, and her face had been washed and she had been hugged by her friend, she put herself back together, her resolve building as she switched into a more comfortable mind set.

She took a breath and her gaze found Martha's, her green eyes alight with determination that she could win the battle, or at least the hope that she could.

"I guess this better be the best closing argument of my life," she told her.

"Are you up for the job, councilor?" Martha asked, a smile tugging at her lips.

It had been a long time since anyone had called her that and it felt good to hear; it put her in the mindset she needed. As an attorney she kept her mind focused on presenting the best case she could for her client. She kept her eye on the goal of winning. She could see this fight the same way, only this time she was not only the attorney, she was the client as well, she had to fight for herself and her marriage. She had to win, she couldn't settle for anything less until the verdict was read.

She smiled as she nodded, "Closing arguments were always my specialty," she answered.

"And what's your success rate?" her friend asked lightly.

There was a glimmer of pride in her eyes as she replied, "I don't like to brag but I think my success rate was pretty damn good."

Martha laughed, "Then you should have no trouble."

Johanna gave a brief nod in agreement…at least she hoped she'd have no trouble…she was a little rusty after all. "No," she told herself, "Don't think that way…I can do this."

* * *

That afternoon, Jim was seated at his kitchen table, his friend Jeff sitting across from him. Jeff was biding his time as they made small talk, Jim had called him to come over but he had yet to tell him whatever it was that was on his mind although he had a suspicion about what it was…or perhaps he should say who it was, he thought to himself. A lull in their conversation presented him the opportunity to move the conversation forward so they could get to the issue at hand.

"So, what has Sassy done?" he asked Jim.

"What makes you think it's Johanna?"

Jeff smirked, "Because Johanna is the only person who can put that look on your face."

"What about Katie?"

"You have a different look for Katie," his friend replied.

Jim smiled wryly, "Well I guess it's good to know that I have more than one expression."

He laughed, "You've always had a whole range of expressions for Johanna…most of them of the lovesick variety."

"It wasn't that bad," Jim retorted with a laugh.

"Oh trust me it was," Jeff replied. "I've been here for the entirety of the Jim and Johanna show; I saw all of those looks…from both of you."

"Like you've never had any expressions like that for the women in your life," Jim remarked.

"Alright," Jeff conceded, raising a hand in surrender. "What's going on with you and Sassy? Did you get interrupted again?"

"Worse," Jim stated and then after a moments pause he told Jeff about how nicely things had been going between them until that morning of Jack's phone call. He described the conversation, the blow up that had followed and the days of silence and bickering that they had been enduring since then. He finished his narrative by telling him about the talk Johanna had gave about her life in Wyoming.

Jeff was silent as he weighed all the information and his friend's response to it. The word 'overreacted' came to mind, but he wouldn't go down that road just yet, as he could tell that Jim still had a few things to vent but as the silence lingered he tried to think of the possibility that Johanna might've had an affair but the image just wouldn't form in his brain. It seemed impossible in relation to what he knew of her character. He had known her for the same length of time that Jim had. He could still remember that day when they had met her, it was her first day on the job and his best friend had spotted her as she leaned against a desk. Jim had been drawn to her as if there had been some magnetic pull, and he had went along because he was never one to turn down the chance to meet a pretty girl, and she was a beautiful woman with her sassy smile and attitude to match and those green eyes that sparkled with amusement. He knew his best friend was done for on the spot; and he had somehow found the little sister he had always wanted.

She was fiercely loyal to those she loved and he couldn't imagine that changing just because she had been forced to assume a new identity. When his first wife, Maggie, had left him for a man she had been having an affair with, Johanna had been livid. She hadn't approved or condoned what Maggie had done, and even though they had been friends as well, Jo had taken his side right along with Jim. When the divorce became contentious and Maggie had tried to keep his kids from him, it had been Johanna who went and had want she termed 'a woman to woman' talk with her and that evening after said talk, Johanna had pulled into his driveway and his three kids tumbled out of the back of her car with their overnight bags in hand. The issues of custody, support and visitation went much smoother after Johanna had taken it upon herself to interfere and he still wondered from time to time what exactly she had said to Maggie to make her change her attitude. Johanna would never tell him, she hadn't even told Jim and so he couldn't fathom that someone who had taken that strong of a stance would then turn around and betray her own husband in the same way. It didn't seem possible and he didn't believe it. Johanna had been wrapped up in Jim forever and a love that strong wouldn't have allowed her to break her vows no matter what the situation was and he had been about to remark upon that when Jim began to speak again.

"She works with him," Jim stated. "Isn't that convenient?"

Jeff bit back a grin; Jim had already informed him of that when he had described the argument but he would play along and let him get it all out of his system.

"So Jack is a professor too?" Jeff asked.

He nodded, "As far as I know. I guess he's probably one of those intellectual types…they probably have a lot in common."

"Johanna has a lot in common with you," Jeff reminded him. "Besides, I don't think intellectual guys are her type…she did marry you after all," he said with amusement.

Jim smirked, "Thanks a lot."

"Jack's probably a nerd," Jeff stated, figuring a little bashing of the competition might be necessary…as it had been when he had faced a similar situation.

"You think so?"

He nodded, "I bet he is," he replied, "And I just don't see Sassy hooking up with a nerd."

"What if that's all they have out there?" Jim asked. "Maybe she didn't have much to pick from."

Jeff shook his head, "I really don't see Johanna being with someone else."

His statement went overlooked however as Jim continued on his tirade against Jack.

"What kind of name is Jack anyway?" Jim grumbled as his hand curled into a fist as it laid upon the table.

Jeff shrugged, "An ordinary one like mine and yours…in fact they all start with the same letter…even Johanna's name starts with the same letter. Isn't that funny?"

"Hilarious," Jim said without amusement. "Maybe she has a fetish with the letter 'J'."

Jeff chuckled, "And if I remember correctly, Jo's favorite word to call a man was always 'jackass' which also starts with a 'J'."

"Yeah," Jim said, "And isn't it ironic that the first half of that word is 'Jack'?"

He laughed, "Boy, no one can get you worked up like Sassy can. I bet you've looked this guy up online."

Jim said nothing and he laughed again, "So you have. Did you find anything?"

"No, I don't know his last name and Katie won't find out for me. She won't even find out and run him through her computer…can you believe that."

"Well of course Katie isn't going to do that," Jeff stated. "She has enough problems; she doesn't need you adding to it with your jealousy induced need to know about Jack from Wyoming."

"But still," Jim stated, a hint of a smile on his lips, "A little loyalty would be nice…at least from one woman in my life."

His friend couldn't help but laugh, "I think you're going off the deep end here, buddy."

"Well Johanna's always been good at sending me off the deep end."

Jeff nodded, "I know. I remember the Charles Patterson debacle, and your two plans you debated between in regards to dealing with the problem; and I believe plan A was to strangle her and plan B was to sleep with her."

"Lucky for her, I went with plan B," Jim stated and then after a moment he added, "Maybe I should've let Patterson have her."

"You wouldn't have survived that," his friend said with a laugh. "I thought you were going to have a stroke when he had his hand on her knee."

"His hand was above the knee!" Jim exclaimed.

"So," Jeff said, egging him on. "It wasn't anywhere you hadn't put your hands on her…in fact, by then you had already had the experience of being locked in a hotel room with her so we both know you had your hands in _other_ places."

"That was different!" Jim stated.

"Why?"

"Because it was _my _hands," he told him, "And no one else had or has a right to put their hands on her! Not Charles Patterson and not Jack…from Wyoming," he said as he still didn't have a last name for the bastard. "I'm the only one who has that right. Johanna is mine."

"I'm sure Sassy is well aware of the fact that she's yours."

"Yeah well Jack needs to be aware of it!"

"You told me that she said that she told Jack that she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship."

"Well of course she's going to tell me she said that," Jim replied. "Do you think she's going to look me in the eye and tell me she's been with someone else?"

Jeff sighed, "Honestly, I can't imagine Johanna having an affair. It's not in her character. She's never given any indication that she was the type of person who would be unfaithful."

"She never gave any indication that she was going to leave me, but she did," Jim stated.

His friend caught his eye and held his gaze, "Is that really fair?" he asked him. "Johanna didn't leave you because she wanted to and you know that, and I think she's probably been punished enough for it; and I don't believe for one moment that just because she was somewhere else that she changed her standards or relaxed her morals. I was the one with a cheating wife, not you."

"That was then."

"And this is now," Jeff stated. "You can't change the past, it's a done deal. Johanna is here now, and she says that she didn't have an affair. She loves you, she always has. She's never been the type to approve or condone an affair either, I mean think about it, when Maggie left me for someone else, Johanna didn't approve of that. She was on my side even though she and Maggie had been friends up until the point."

"I know."

"So why would she turn around and act that way herself?" he asked, "And don't tell me because of the situation she was in because I don't even want to hear that. I don't give a damn what name she was calling herself, she was still Johanna, and Johanna loves you no matter where she is."

"She says I should take her word for it, just like she's always trusted me and took my word for things."

His friend regarded him with a knowing look, "Is that what part of the problem is?" he asked. "You're afraid to take Johanna's word for it because you know that sometimes you weren't always truthful with her?"

"I know that I've lied to her about some things…but never about something like this."

"Come on, Jim. A lie is a lie; the specifics of it don't really matter. There have been times when you lied to her and she believed you, and I'm asking you if that's playing a role here. Are you remembering times when you weren't honest with her and feeling guilty in light of her bringing up the fact that she never questioned you or accused you of anything? Is that why you think she's lying to you now?"

"No," he insisted. "I'm sure Johanna's well aware of the fact that I've lied to her in past, just like I know she's lied to me before; but those things were never important. They were never things that could rip us apart. Those were little issues about money and dents in the car…stupid things that could never really hurt anyone but were lied about to avoid an unnecessary argument."

"So if you know that's she never lied to you about something like this before, than why are you so set on the fact that she may be doing so now?" Jeff asked.

"Because she might be afraid," Jim admitted. "She probably doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she already knows she has and maybe she's afraid that I won't take her back if she was with him."

"Would you?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "If Johanna was to confess that she had been with this guy…I just don't know. I can forgive her for leaving, because that was to save her life, and no matter how much I suffered from those actions, I'd still prefer it to be that way, because I'd do anything, give anything, to keep her safe and alive, even if it meant being without her; but to give herself to someone else? I don't know if I could forgive that."

"But what if she's telling the truth?" Jeff asked. "I think she may be getting convicted without a fair trial."

"How do you figure?"

"It was one phone call, Jim," his friend stated. "And in my opinion from what you told me, it only sounds damning on this Jack's end. Johanna's hands are tied in what answers she can give to anyone in Wyoming, and the answers you told me she gave, again, in my opinion, sound like neutral, unemotional answers that really didn't tell this man anything. If she was acting nervous it was probably because she was caught between the two lives that she had to live…and maybe even because she knows you and your penchant for jumping to conclusions on occasion."

"I have a right to jump to conclusions."

"That may be true in some ways," Jeff replied, "But let's think about this, you're with her all the time, if this guy was having an affair with her don't you think you'd have caught one of these phone calls before now? She's been here for awhile now, Jim. I know you're with her in the daytime, that sometimes you stay with her at night, and when you're not with her Katie is, and I don't think Katie would let strange phone calls go unquestioned or without saying something to you about it. The conversation you overheard obviously established the fact that she's had no contact with him or anyone else in Wyoming in all the time she's been in New York."

"That still doesn't take away the fact that another man has been apart of life for the past thirteen years! A person I know nothing about," Jim remarked sharply.

"You said that Johanna forced you and Katie to sit down last night and listen to her tell you about her life in Wyoming."

"So?"

"So if she had to take those measures, then obviously you've never taken the time to ask her about what she's been doing with her life for the past thirteen years," Jeff stated.

"I didn't want to know," Jim confessed. "It was too hard to think of her being out there living her life when all I had wanted all of these years was to be with her."

"I thought you said you forgive her for that?"

"I do, but that doesn't mean I can't still be angry with her for it."

Jeff nodded, "True, but being alive doesn't mean you're living, Jim. You of all people should know that and from what you've told me about that talk she gave about her 'life' in Wyoming, I'd have to say that she's spent the last thirteen years as a prisoner. I think it sounds like she faced her own brand of hell, it's not any better than the hell you went through, but on the other hand, your hell isn't any better than hers either. I think you've both suffered and been punished for something that someone else has done and it isn't right and it isn't fair, but just because she was forced into that situation doesn't mean she's become a completely different person, that doesn't mean you should convict her of a crime that you have no evidence that she committed."

"But how do I know for sure that she didn't?" Jim stubbornly stated.

Jeff sighed, this was going to take forever, but he wasn't willing to let his best friend give up on his wife. He wasn't willing to watch their second chance crash and burn without at least trying to help salvage it.

"Let's look at it in a different way."

"How many ways can we look at it?" Jim complained.

His friend ignored him, as he always did when he was being irrational and he had a point to make, "If Johanna had everything she needed in Wyoming then why would she come back here?"

"Because she didn't have her daughter in Wyoming," he answered without missing a beat.

Jeff threw his hands up in the air, "You know sometimes you're like talking to a brick wall…and half the time I think the wall would listen better."

The statement made him laugh and the image of his daughter popped into his mind in regards to it. "Maybe Katie's a little more like me than I thought."

Jeff shook his head, "That poor kid got it from both barrels, between you and Sassy she was doomed to be stubborn, temperamental, tenacious, and complicated. God help that writer, he's in for a hell of a ride with her."

"He's already been on a hell of a ride with her," Jim commented.

"I guess that's true," Jeff replied, "But let's not get off topic here. Before this phone call came in and upset the applecart, did you have any doubts?"

"Doubts about what?"

"Her intentions, her faithfulness, her loyalty."

"Of course not. It never crossed my mind that she may have found someone else."

"Why not?"

"Because she's my wife," Jim answered. "She's mine…and I…"

"And you what?" Jeff asked; hoping he was making a break through.

"And I never would've considered that she would be unfaithful."

"Because?"

"Because despite what she did…I guess I still trusted her."

"And do you, in your heart, really believe that trust has been misplaced?"

Jim was quiet for a long minute and then he looked at his friend, "I just don't know."

Jeff was silent as that statement hung in the air, but then he spoke. "I don't really think it's Johanna that you don't trust in the area of infidelity, I think it's Jack."

Jim didn't deny it so after a moment's pause Jeff continued on, "I think you have two issues with Johanna. I think issue one, is a different type of trust. I think you're afraid that she's going to leave you again."

"And the second issue?" Jim inquired.

His friend grinned, "Sex."

"This is not about sex," Jim stated and then when his friend regarded him with a raised brow he amended his statement, "Okay; it's about how she's not supposed to have it with someone else."

Jeff laughed, "No, I think it's about how you two haven't had it and you need to before someone gets hurt. I think you need to be locked in a room together for about a week so you can start making up for lost time and then maybe the two of you can calm down and act like the reasonable, loving human beings I know your both capable of being."

Jim laughed, "I admit that the idea of being locked in a room with her for a week has a certain appeal to it; but it's not going to happen any time soon."

"Look Jim," Jeff said seriously, but his eyes still held a glimmer of amusement, "You and Sassy need to have a serious talk…and then you need to find a few hours to be locked away with her and get some of that…tension out of your systems."

Jim looked at him and gave him a slight smile, "I hate it when you make sense."

* * *

At the end of the day, Kate returned to the loft with Castle intent on collecting her mother and heading home. They had closed their case and she was tired, but by the time they had arrived, Johanna had taken over Castle's kitchen and had already made dinner for all of them. She watched her as she bustled around the kitchen, preparing plates and doting on Alexis, asking her about her preparations for college and what she and her friends had planned for the rest of their summer break.

"She seems in better spirits," Castle whispered in her ear.

"Yeah, she does," she agreed, her eyes never leaving her mother's face. Apparently a day of with Martha had been needed as she took note of a certain look in her mother's eyes. She was determined now; she was back in control and obviously had a plan. She prayed that whatever it was would work, because she was getting tired of the way things were between her parents.

"Do you have plans tomorrow night?" Castle asked her.

Kate smiled, so they were going to go down this road again…good.

"No," she answered.

His eyes lit up and he returned her smile, "Do you think your father will be willing to stay with your mother for a few hours even though he's supposed to be getting a break?"

"What do you have up your sleeve, Castle?"

He smirked, "My buff, muscular arm."

Kate rolled her eyes and laughed, "Besides that."

'That's for me to know and you to find out," he said dramatically. "Now do you think you can arrange things with your father? I'd bribe the boys again but I know they tease you."

"He'll be there," Kate stated.

"You seem certain of that," he remarked in amusement.

"That's because I am," she answered. "I'll get him there even if I have to cry and guilt trip him."

"I've seen your work with guilt trips," he stated as he recalled when she had wheedled Jim into allowing her a sip of his coffee when she wasn't supposed to have any. "You do it beautifully."

She grinned, "Are you picking me up or am I meeting you somewhere?"

"You just be here at 7," he told her.

Her brow rose inquisitively but she knew better than to inquire about his plans as obviously he was keeping them guarded. "Should I dress up?" she asked.

"You can wear whatever you want," he replied. "There's no dress code."

She didn't know what he was up to but she couldn't wait to find out.

"I'll be here," she promised.

_Authors Note: Yes, Castle and Beckett will have a date in the next chapter, and I'm planning on Jim and Castle having a talk ;)_


	29. Chapter 29

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

_To the wonderful, fabulous, AC, I'm honored to have earned a spot on your radar. Your support of me and of this story means the world to me, and I'm so very glad to call you my friend. Happy Belated Birthday! _

Chapter 29 – When A Man Loves A Woman

'_When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothing else. He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. – Percy Sledge_

The woman behind the counter at the coffee shop raised her brow inquisitively after Castle placed his order.

"Only one this morning?" she asked.

He smiled warmly, "Yes, just one."

"Oh," the cashier said; a slight lilt in her voice. "She's mad at you again, isn't she?"

"No, she isn't mad at me," he answered with a laugh.

"You're mad at her?"

"No, nothings wrong," he assured her.

She regarded him with suspicion that spoke of disbelief, "How long have you been ordering coffee's from me?"

"Is that your way of telling me it's our anniversary?" he quipped, earning himself an amused smirk from the motherly woman who had been making his and Beckett's coffee all of these years.

"Don't be glib, young man," she chastened lightly. "I've been around long enough to know a thing or two, and among those things is the knowledge that when you only order one coffee, something is wrong between you and your lady detective."

He laughed lightly, "Rachael, I assure you that everything is fine between Kate and I. She's busy this morning. I won't be seeing her until later."

She studied him for a moment, obviously gauging his truthfulness, "Alright," she replied. "I'll take your word for it…for now."

"That's kind of you."

"When you only order one coffee or no coffee at all, I worry about the two of you," she said as she prepared his order.

"Sometimes we worry about us too," Castle commented.

"When are you going to bring her in here so I can properly meet her?" Rachael asked. "I've only seen her in pictures."

"I'll bring her in one day," he promised.

She shot him a look, "You've been telling me that for awhile now."

"And I mean it," he stated. "I'll bring her to see you, and then she can tell you how much she loves your coffee," he said with a wink.

Rachael smiled and handed him his cup, "Make sure you do," she told him. "When's the new book coming out?"

"September," Castle answered. "And as always, you will receive a special autographed copy."

"I look forward to it," she said, "And I expect you to be in here tomorrow buying two cups of coffee."

He grinned, "I'll be here."

"Have a nice day, Rick," Rachael told him as she smiled at him fondly.

"You too," he replied as he gave her one last smile and then turned away from the counter. As he walked through the shop, his gaze landed on a pensive looking Jim Beckett sitting at a table by the window.

Curiosity got the best of him and he walked towards the table without thought and when he reached it, he said the man's name, catching his attention.

"Hello, Rick," Jim said as he glanced up at the writer. "Are you getting Katie's coffee?"

He smiled, "No, this one's for me."

Jim laughed as he nodded to the seat across from him. "Sit down, Rick," he told him. "How is she going to feel about not having her coffee delivered?"

Castle laughed, "Oh I make her fend for her self once in awhile. It makes her appreciate me more."

"You think so?" the older man asked in amusement.

He shrugged, his own gaze full of humor, "If not, she's at least gracious enough to allow me to think so."

"Women are good for that."

"I'm off the hook for coffee delivery today anyway," Castle commented. "She's not home."

Jim looked at him in surprise, "She isn't?" he asked. "Who's with Johanna?"

"Johanna's with her," he told him. "They were going shopping. I believe she termed it retail therapy."

"That means Johanna wants to go to Macy's," Jim replied. "Katie didn't tell me they were going out when she called this morning to demand that I be there this evening because she has plans with you and she doesn't want to hear any excuses."

Castle gave a short laugh, "She can be a little bossy."

"So can her mother."

"I've noticed," he replied good naturedly.

Jim caught his eye, "So are you and Katie dating or not?"

He sighed slightly, "She says we're unofficially together."

He smiled sympathetically, "That sounds like something Katie would come up with."

"It was a little discouraging at first," Rick admitted.

Jim regarded him with a knowing look, "But then you changed your mind about it."

"I had to focus on the right word in that sentence," he told him.

Kate's father laughed, "Which is why there has been the sudden appearance of flowers and candy and spoilers for the new book."

Castle gave a nod, "Pretty much."

"What's next, Rick?" Jim said lightly, "Jewelry?"

Castle smirked at him, his eyes still dancing with amusement, "Is this the 'what are your intentions with my daughter' conversation?"

"Should it be?" Jim asked.

"I guess that's up to you," he replied. "You're her father…you'd be well within your rights to interrogate me if you so choose."

Jim chuckled, "Oh believe me, Rick, the day will come."

"So you're letting me off the hook today?" he asked with a laugh.

He nodded, "For today…but not permanently."

"Understood."

"Truth is, Rick, sometimes I feel sorry for you," Jim laughed. "Katie's just like her mother…it makes me sympathetic to your cause."

He laughed, "Someone probably should be," he said, feeling camaraderie with the man.

"Of course, when the chips are down, then I have to be on Katie's side, I'm sure you understand," he remarked.

"Absolutely," Castle said and when silence fell between them for a moment he took the opportunity to ask, "What are you doing here this morning, Jim?"

"I needed to get out of the house," he answered, "And I figured there was no reason to show up this early at Katie's, I figured I owed it to Johanna to give her a few more hours of peace. Although now I know I would've shown up for nothing if I had decided to go."

"I'm sure she missed you yesterday," Castle commented.

Jim looked at him humorously, "I'm sure she didn't, and I don't blame her."

"Did you miss her?" he teased.

"In a way," he answered, "But then on the other hand, I was kind of glad for a little space…I think we needed a break."

"Understandable."

"Do you ever need a break from Katie, Rick?" he asked him lightly.

Castle's eyes gleamed merrily and he leaned closer, "Is this conversation confidential?"

"Absolutely," Jim said.

His gaze darted around as if he were afraid that Kate might pop up behind him and hear what he was about to say. "Sometimes," he began, "When she's being a tad bit too stubborn…I feel the need to go away for a short while."

Her father laughed, "Your secret is safe with me."

Silence fell between them but Castle made no move to go. He waited, debating about whether or not to gently prod the man into telling him what was on his mind, when finally he began to speak again.

"Johanna and I will have been married for 35 years," Jim stated.

"Kate told me that you had an anniversary coming up soon," Castle remarked.

He smiled, "The 18th. 35 years," he said again. "Add to that a year of dating and three years of being friends…and more than friends," he added with a laugh and Castle laughed with him in understanding.

"Add all of that up and you get a total of 39 years," Jim said, "And you'd think after that many years of being wrapped up in Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett, that she would have lost the power to drive me crazy…but she hasn't," he told Castle. "She hasn't lost one damn ounce of that power."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?" Castle asked. "Doesn't that just go to show that she was and still is the right one?"

"I suppose so," Jim answered; but there was no mistaking the love in his eyes as he spoke of his wife. "I can remember a time when I wasn't so sure about it though."

"What did you do about it?" he questioned.

Jim laughed lightly, "In a moment of desperation to figure it out, I took the matter to my father."

"What did he say?" Castle asked; intrigued by the topic as he could admit to himself that it was the type of question he wouldn't have minded asking a father figure about…maybe he could've avoided a few mistakes along the way if he'd had a little more guidance in that area. His mother had always done her best and he loved her for it…but there were some things that he figured could only be passed on from one man to another.

Jim leaned back in his chair, the memory making him smile, "Well at first he looked at me and said, 'I already told you that she's the one; now go buy her a ring and be done with it'."

The writer chuckled, "So he was a fan of Johanna's even before marriage?" he asked. "I've heard her mention that she was close to your father."

"My father adored her from the first moment he met her, which was even before we were dating. He always claimed that he knew the first time he met her that she was the one I was supposed to be with. I thought he was crazy," he remarked with a laugh. "I didn't think it was possible for a parent to look at someone and know that was who their child was meant to be with…but I've since revised my thinking."

"Because he was right?"

"No," Jim stated as he held his gaze, "I've revised my thinking because I look at you and know you're the person that Katie is meant to be with."

Castle looked at him, his mouth opening and then closing as he found himself at a loss for words. What was he supposed to say to that? Thank you? He wasn't sure, although he briefly considered saying, 'Could you please tell your daughter that', but he didn't think that would be appropriate.

Jim chuckled as he looked at the expression on Castle's face, "That's probably how I looked when my father said it to me about Johanna."

"How accurate is this 'detection' by fathers?" Castle asked.

Jim shrugged, "Well, I married Johanna. My siblings married the people my father thought they would…in the case of you and Katie, I guess only time will tell, and maybe one day you'll have first hand experience when Alexis introduces you to a man she cares about and you suddenly know that he's the one she's meant to be with."

This time his face blanched at the thought, causing the older man to laugh all the more.

"Don't worry, Rick, it's not going to happen tomorrow. You probably have a few years before you have to worry about that."

He shook his head, "I'm not ready to think about that…she's still too young. She's…"

"Your little girl," Jim finished for him, "And you don't want to give her away, but you will one day when the right one comes along…just like one day I'll walk Katie down the aisle, but that doesn't mean we relinquish our claims on a piece of their hearts as the men who loved them first."

Castle smiled, "So they're always going to be their fathers little girls?"

"Always," Jim told him and then after a moments pause he looked at the writer and teased, "Which scenario worries you more, Rick? The fact that I said you are the one Katie is meant to be with or the thought that one day you'll be giving Alexis away?"

He thought for a moment, "Both scenarios are worrisome in their own way," he admitted, "But at the moment, the win may have to go to Alexis. I'm having a hard enough time knowing that she's going to be moving into a dorm room in a few weeks…the thought of her getting married is downright terrifying."

"Don't worry," Jim said, "When the time comes, you can always threaten the man before the wedding."

He regarded Kate's father with a raised brow and a hint of a grin, "Do you have a speech prepared for your future son-in-law?"

He smiled, "Most definitely."

Castle laughed and hoped that one day he would be the one hearing it. "Did Johanna's father threaten you?"

"Not really," he answered. "Jo's father was a difficult man where she was concerned. Their relationship wasn't like mine and Katie's or yours and Alexis's."

"Why was that?"

"I don't know," Jim replied, "But it was painful to watch at times. Every now and then she would make an effort to try and make things better between them but he always rebuffed her."

"Did the two of you get along?"

"Frank didn't seem to have a problem with me, but I didn't like him. I tolerated him for Johanna's sake and for Katie's but I didn't condone the way he treated her and I made that known to him on occasion, not that it made a difference. The only thing he said to me the day of the wedding was that I better take care of her, and that I better intend on being with her for the rest of my life because he wasn't about to be one of those parents who allowed a divorced daughter and her children to move back home so they could be a burden to him."

"Nice," Castle stated.

Jim nodded, "And that was one of his good days. He didn't need to worry, even if something would've happened and Jo and I had split up, she would've never gone home to her parents. She would've never even considered it."

"Was it ever good between them?"

"From what I know, no, not really. We'd been married for ten years when Frank died, and in all of that time I think I saw him show her affection maybe three times...five at most. I still remember this time we were at her parents for dinner and it was in the newspaper about a case she had won, it was a rare moment when Frank actually acted proud of her and when he walked past where she was sitting, he kissed the top of her head. You should've seen the stunned expression on her face; she caught my eye and whispered, 'Did that really happen or did I imagine it?'."

"That's terrible," Castle said in response, "I can't imagine treating my child like that."

"Neither can I."

"I guess it was a good thing Johanna had your father," he told him.

Jim nodded, "He tried to fill that role for her the best he could."

"Did he ever give you better advice about how to know if she was the one?" he asked him.

"He told me that I would know she was the one if she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning, and the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep. He said she was the one if she made bad days good and good days better. She was the one if she made me happy, if she made me laugh, if she was the person I sought comfort from. She was the woman I was meant to be with if I put her and her needs and feelings above my own; if I would go out of my way to protect her, to solve her problems, to take away her pain, if all I wanted was to make her happy. She was the right one if I couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else, and I would know she was the one if when I pictured the future, I saw her there with me," Jim told him.

He digested all of that, found that it all applied to a certain woman in his life and then looked at Jim, "I think your father must've been a very wise man."

"He was," Jim agreed.

"Does Johanna still fit all of those things?" he asked cautiously.

Jim was quiet for a long minute and then he held Castle's gaze and gave him a hint of a smile, "Of course she does. I've never stopped loving her, she's never stopped being the one, but we've run into something that isn't as easily dealt with as other issues we've faced over the years."

Castle hesitated for a moment as he debated broaching the topic of Johanna and his opinions in regards to the current situation.

"Listen," he said quietly, catching the other man's eye. "I don't want to overstep my bounds and I don't purport to know Johanna like you do or Kate does…but I just really don't think she's done what you think she has."

"Why is that?" Jim asked, although he was sure he had figured out his feelings already but he was curious about what the writer thought of his wife and her character.

"Because I know from personal experience what a cheating wife looks like," Castle answered, "And Johanna doesn't fit the description."

"And what is the description?"

"It's always in the eyes," Castle said as he recalled Meredith's lying eyes. She had always been so transparent.

"Is that all?"

"No, there are also the flimsy answers and excuses…the distance…the gut feeling that something just isn't right."

"Which one of your wives put you through this experience?" Jim asked.

"Meredith," he answered. "Alexis's mother."

"And you don't think Johanna fits the criteria?"

Castle shook his head, "No, I look at her eyes and I don't see any lies there. I see a lot of pain, remorse, longing, and love, but no lies, no sign that she's hiding something. The answers she's given don't seem flimsy, they sound honest; and I don't even think we can accuse her of making excuses, because her excuses for leaving are rooted in fact and she's accepted responsibility for that and she's desperately trying to make amends, which is definitely not a trait of a cheating wife. She isn't distant from you; from what I've witnessed she's affectionate towards you and obviously still very much in love with you."

Jim smiled, "Maybe you should've been a lawyer, Rick. You make a good case."

"If I was a lawyer I'd probably be disbarred within the first week. I'd probably encourage witnesses to make their stories more entertaining," he laughed.

"That wouldn't go over well," Jim agreed.

"Probably not," Castle said, "So it's probably a good thing I became a writer and can only wreak havoc on the lives of fictional characters; but getting back to Johanna, there is something else in her favor."

"What's that?"

"Throughout this current issue," he stated, "Kate has never once given any indication that she's doubted her mother's word, and in my opinion, if anyone was going to doubt her, it would be Kate…but she hasn't. She's been there for her, offering her support and trying to keep her spirits up. If Kate believed or had any doubts that Johanna had betrayed you in that way, the progress they have made would be gone and she'd be backing you up a hundred percent on this."

"You really think so?" Jim asked.

"Absolutely," Castle said. "If Kate thought for a moment that her mother had done this…Johanna would be right back where she started with her and there would probably be no hope of a come back."

It was a sentiment that rang true within him, and in all truth it was something he had thought about himself the night before. If Katie trusted her and believed her innocent, than didn't that count for something?

"My mother doesn't seem to doubt her either," Castle threw in, "And when the occasion calls for it, my mother can be a good judge of character. If Johanna was lying, I'm sure she would've picked up on it when they talked and she would've called her out on it."

"How did they enjoy their day together?" Jim asked.

"They both said they had a nice time together and hoped to do it again," he told him. "They seem to get along pretty well."

"Good," Jim said. "I know Johanna needs someone other than me and Katie to talk to, a friendship with Martha would be good for her."

"And maybe Johanna can be a good influence on my mother," Castle quipped.

He laughed, "Don't let Jo fool you, Rick, she's had her moments of troublemaking and mischief."

He sighed, "Well, in that case, at least they'll have each other in the holding cell until we get there to bail them out."

"What makes you think they'll need bail money?" Jim asked with a laugh.

"They're planning a girl's night out in the future," Castle answered. "You know that can't be good."

"I don't know any such thing," Jim replied, "Although if there is a need for bail money, she'll probably call Katie first."

They laughed and silence fell for a few moments before Castle looked across the table at Jim.

"I had a conversation with Johanna not long ago, she told me all she wants is to go home and I made the remark that she was home; but she corrected me, she said she wasn't there yet, that home was with you, in the house you bought her when she was pregnant with Kate, where her heart and memories are. I don't doubt for a moment that she meant those words, Jim. There was too much anguish and longing behind them, too much love in her eyes. She just wants you; she just wants to go home."

"I know," he said quietly. "I've never doubted her any time that she's said those things to me."

"So do you think that the two of you can work this out?" Castle asked, "Because even though Kate hasn't said anything, I can tell she's starting to worry, and Johanna is obviously more than worried."

"I guess we'll see," Jim answered, but his tone and the look in his eyes seemed to imply that he had made up his mind.

"You're not going to tell me?" Castle said lightly, easing the mood. "That's not fair, especially when I was ready to let you interrogate me about my intentions."

"I can still do that if you want," Jim told him as he laughed.

"Forget it," he told him. "You already let me off the hook, and you won't give me the answer to the Jim and Johanna saga, so now you'll just have to wait."

"I've waited this long," he quipped. "I suppose I can wait awhile longer."

"That's only fair," Castle remarked.

"So does that mean you're confident that things are going to work out between you and Katie?" he asked; turning the tables on him.

He thought it over, "I'm confident that I'm going to do everything in my power to make it that way…now if your daughter cooperates…that's a whole different story."

He grinned, "Good luck, Rick."

"You too," he told him. "And if you find yourself in need of flowers, there's a little shop down the street, the owner is named Ricardo, tell him I sent you."

"Thanks for the tip," Jim replied, "I'll keep it in mind."

Castle nodded and picked up his coffee cup in anticipation of rising from his seat, "And thank you for the advice."

"What advice?"

"About how to know when you've found the right one…and about daughters and the threatening of future son-in-laws," he told him.

"Any time, Rick," Jim said as he extended his hand to shake the authors.

"We have to stick together," Castle quipped, "Those Beckett women are troublesome."

Jim laughed, "They're trouble alright…and complicated."

"A wise woman told me that it's the complicated ones who are worth your time and effort."

"Do I know this wise woman?" Jim asked; a knowing look in his eyes.

"It's possible," Castle told him.

Jim held his gaze, "They're trouble, they're complicated…but they're also very special."

"I agree," Castle told him and then he said his goodbyes and left Jim alone with his thoughts once again.

* * *

"Do you think we'll run into Melanie today?" Johanna asked as she and Kate meandered through Macy's.

"I hope not," she answered; and then catching the slight gleam in her mother's eye that suggested she might be hoping for a repeat of their last trip, she stated, "Running into people isn't something we want to do."

Johanna gave her a pointed look, "I know that, Katie. I was kidding."

"I don't think you were kidding all that much," Kate replied. "You enjoyed that little fiasco and I'm sure you'd like another one as a pick me up but we can't make a habit of running into people or we're going to find ourselves in a situation we don't want."

Her mother sighed as she looked at her, "Kate, don't take this the wrong way."

"That's never good," her daughter remarked.

"I understand our situation here," Johanna told her. "I know what's at stake; I know we can't afford to run into people, I know all of that. You don't have to keep telling me, I haven't forgotten and I don't enjoy being lectured like I'm a five year old."

"I do not lecture you like a five year old," Kate replied.

"Yes you do," Johanna said. "There are moments when you sound more like my mother than my daughter."

"I don't mean to sound like your mother," Kate told her, "But you have to know how things are, and like it or not, it's my job to take care of you."

"Can't you do that while respecting the fact that I am a grown woman who is still in her right mind with a reasonable amount of intelligence and well aware of everything that we're dealing with? Can't you do your job while respecting the fact that I am _your_ mother, instead of acting like you're mine?" Johanna asked gently.

She felt chastened, and it wasn't a feeling she enjoyed but she bit back a sharp retort and thought over what her mother had said. Maybe she did make her feel as though she were treating her like a child…after all she had made that remark before. She didn't mean to make her feel that way…but she had a job to do…she had to keep her safe, but, she reasoned, that didn't necessarily mean she had to make her mother feel like a five year old who was being punished.

"I'm sorry," she told her. "I don't mean to treat you like a child or imply that you're not aware of the dangers."

"It's okay," Johanna told her, "You don't have to be sorry. This is difficult for both of us, but I had a wonderful mother who I loved very much, and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish that she was still in this world with me, but she's gone, and I don't need a substitute mother…I need my daughter."

Kate nodded, "I'm sorry," she repeated again, because she wasn't entirely sure what to say. "I'll try to do better."

"My mother always said that we are all works in progress, all we can do is our best and keep our minds open to improvement."

"I said I'd try," Kate told her, feeling as though _she_ was still being lectured, even if it was being done in a soft tone of voice that implied it wasn't meant to be taken that way.

Johanna studied her expression and she didn't like what she saw there. She feared that Kate had taken it the wrong way after all. "I wasn't trying to hurt you," she said quietly. "Please don't be angry with me."

The statement softened her, "You didn't hurt me," she answered. "And I'm not angry…I get it. I guess I just didn't realize how I was coming off sometimes. We're fine."

She gave her a small smile, "Then wipe that look off of your face," she told her. "We're at Macy's; Macy's is supposed to be a happy place," she said lightly, hoping to diffuse the situation.

Kate laughed, "The place where troubles go to die…in the shoe department."

Johanna grinned, "Exactly. You can't be unhappy here."

"Shall we go to the shoe department first?" she asked.

Her mother shook her head, "No, you always save the best for last; and believe me; we will be going there…I need a new pair of shoes."

"Again?"

She nodded, "I need the right pair for this new part of the game," she commented.

Kate had a feeling that meant she needed something to give her a little extra confidence when she faced her husband again that evening. They wandered around the store companionably, each of them picking up an item here or there and Johanna eventually, discreetly, turned them into the direction of the nightgowns and lingerie department.

She looked through a few racks of various nightgowns and pajamas, trying to make it seem as though she weren't looking for something specific before she turned her attention to a rack of nightgowns that were sexier and made in various materials, ranging from lace to satin to silk.

Johanna sighed as she looked through the nightgowns. It used to be easier, she thought to herself. When she had been in her 20's it had been relatively easy to be sexy…she didn't even really have to work at it, all it took was the right dress, or the right lingerie, or an enticing little nightgown.

In her 30's sexiness had came with confidence, she was madly in love with her husband, their marriage was stable and passionate. She didn't really have to try back then, but she made the effort from time to time…and she could feel her cheeks warm with the memory of date nights that usually only found them out of the house for a few hours before they returned home, spending the rest of the night passionately wrapped up in one another until dawn, secure in the knowledge that their daughter was tucked away with a grandparent or aunt until the morning.

In her 40's she had been secure in the knowledge that her husband still loved her and desired her…that after more than a decade of marriage he would still take the opportunity to pull her into a secluded spot for a searing kiss, and his hands were still known to wander…like those times during lunch dates when his hand would be on her knee one moment and gliding upwards the next, a smirk on his lips as he waited to see how far she'd let him get, and she knew that when she turned out the light at night, there was always the chance that he wouldn't let her go to sleep and memories of that skimpy dark blue satin nightgown that she used to own flicked across her mind and she smiled, it always spent more time on the floor than it did on her.

She spent her 50's alone. She frowned as she thought about that, it wasn't a new thought of course, but still, that was a whole decade of her life that she had spent without him…without that comfort and security that she was still enough. Another sigh escaped her lips as she pushed the hangers down the rack. Yes, it had been easier in the past. Now she was 60…1, she forced herself to clarify, she was 61, and while she had inherited her mother's good genes and was as Kate put it, aging gracefully, the fact remained that she was older. She had managed to keep in shape; there were times when her troubled mind led her to spend more than one day a week at the gym, running on the treadmill, and she thanked god every morning for the fact that her hair was still its natural color. Sure, once in awhile she'd found strands of grey mixed in the strands of dark brown…but they never stayed there long because she always yanked them out…even though she knew she wasn't supposed to, but she wasn't at the point where coloring was necessary and she was grateful; but with that said, there was the matter of those little lines forming around her eyes…the reading glasses that were often perched on her nose…and that damn number that signified her age.

It wasn't that she thought that Jim didn't desire her, their few steamy encounters had confirmed that he did, and really she probably didn't need to go through this trouble, but she wanted to. If she played her cards right and the opportunity presented itself…than she wanted to look good for him…she wanted their first time back together to be special; but of course she could be jumping the gun here…there was no guarantee that her plan would work. She could be tormenting herself about sexiness for nothing…and wouldn't that just be her luck?

The sound of Kate's quiet laughter broke her reverie. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she had forgotten that her daughter was standing next to her.

"What?" she asked her.

Kate regarded her with amusement, "Nothing," she said, "It's just that I've never seen anyone look so serious while looking at nightgowns."

Johanna rolled her eyes, "I'm sure it wasn't as bad you're making it seem."

"Oh but it was," she replied. "You looked like you were trying to decide if you should give someone your kidney or something."

She narrowed her eyes at her but there was a light smile on her lips, "You just behave yourself, Katherine, or I'll be forced to punish you."

"Like watching you shop for 'seductive' wear isn't punishment enough," she retorted playfully.

"Who said anything about seduction!" Johanna exclaimed quietly, as her hand fell away from the rack.

Kate laughed, "Why else would you be concentrating so hard on silk nightgowns?"

"It's not like that."

Kate nodded, "Sure it isn't," she said in teasing disbelief.

Johanna looked away from her and went back to searching the rack, everything seemed to be geared towards younger women and she was becoming discouraged until her hand fell upon a dark red silk nightgown. She smiled, it was reminiscent of the blue one she had long ago. The straps were thin and it would fall a few inches above the knee. It was understated; it had an air of simple elegance that wouldn't make her feel out of her depths and it seemed as though it would be more appropriate for her age than some of the things she had seen.

"That's pretty," Kate told her.

Johanna hazarded a glance at her, "Is that a legitimate opinion or sarcasm?"

She laughed, "I wasn't being sarcastic," she told her. "I think it's pretty…although I'm not sure if my input is wanted on something of this nature."

Her blushed, "Oh hush," she told her. "I told you this isn't about seduction."

"Then what's it about?"

Johanna hesitated, "It's about…laying my cards on the table…and hoping for the best."

"While wearing a silk nightgown," Kate said, in a mood to tease her mother.

She shot her a look, "I didn't say that."

"You don't have to," she told her. "It's all over your face."

"It is not," she protested as she looked the nightgown over. "Am I too old for this?" she asked, although she hated having to ask Kate's opinion on the topic.

"No," she told her. "I think that's fine for your age."

She nodded and draped it over arm with the other items she had selected and then spotting a black silk robe at the end of the rack; she grabbed it too and continued on, Kate trailing along behind her.

"See this is totally about seduction," Kate teased as she followed her to a table that was near the rack of nightgowns.

"What makes you say that?" Johanna asked.

"Because now you're looking for underwear," she stated. "We all know what new underwear means."

"It means I like to wear underwear," Johanna retorted. "Most people do."

Kate laughed, "Yeah, but this looks like special occasion underwear," she taunted playfully as she eyed the dark red lace garments her mother was considering.

Johanna smirked at her, "Well you have a date tonight, maybe you should buy something new," she told her as she picked up a lacy pair of white boyshorts and tossed them at her, "Here, try those, you could use a different color. I swear I've never seen so many pairs of black underwear in my life."

Kate shot her a look, "You know you really don't have to do my laundry. It's not like I asked you to."

"Well I noticed that it starts piling up," Johanna commented. "You know things like that drive me crazy," she said lightly.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Well I'm busy, Mother; sometimes I get behind."

"I know, dear," she told her. "It's alright; I don't mind doing your laundry with mine. It's like old times."

"And by old times do you mean that you've been keeping anything you find in my pockets?" she asked, "Because I'm still kind of mad about that cherry lip gloss incident."

Johanna laughed, "Hey, I told you and your father to start cleaning out your pockets and if you didn't, I was keeping whatever I found. You didn't listen, so the lip gloss ended up being mine."

"You didn't have to wear it," Kate retorted, a hint of a grin tugging at her lips as she pretended to still be dismayed about the incident.

Her mother laughed, "Of course I did, how else would it bother you and teach you a lesson?"

"That's just cruel," Kate told her. "You knew how much I loved that lip gloss."

Johanna smiled at her indulgently and wrapped an arm around her waist, "Well since it meant so much to you, we'll just go over to the make up counter and I'll buy you a new one. I don't want that kind of black mark on the record of my parenting."

Kate laughed, "I'm picking out the most expensive brand they have just to punish you."

"Oh please do," Johanna said dramatically, "It'll make me feel so much better; I mean you probably should've called child services on me."

"I was tempted," her daughter quipped.

She gave her a light playful shove and they giggled together. It was moments like this, Johanna thought to herself, when it felt as though time hadn't stopped between them; that the clock had rolled back, giving her a taste of what it always used to be like. She cherished these little moments, and even though she didn't think that Kate would take kindly to being hugged in the middle of a department store, she pulled her to her for a brief moment and embraced her, how could she not?

Her marriage might be shaky at the moment, but at least she had this perfect little moment with her daughter, this little burst of warmth that spread across her heart soothing her wounds. She felt an arm come around her, and squeeze her tightly and she smiled as she breathed in the scent of cherries. They still had progress to make but they had come a long way and she was so very grateful for the second chance it seemed as though Kate was willing to give her.

She quickly picked out the garments she wanted, as Kate stood by smirking and she swatted her arm as they walked away. "I don't know what you're laughing about," she told her. "Don't think that I didn't notice that you didn't put back that pair of underwear I handed you."

"Well they're my size," Kate defended, "And I kind of like them…I'm not buying them with the intent of letting someone else see them, unlike you."

"Uh huh," Johanna said, "You keep telling yourself that," she teased, turning the tables on her.

Kate's cheeks flooded with color, "It's not like that," she stated, "And even if it was, I wouldn't…go out with that intent wearing underwear my mother approved."

She laughed, "It's not like I have bad taste."

Kate narrowed her eyes at her, "That's it; we are not talking about my underwear."

"Alright," Johanna said, "But if we're not talking about yours, than we aren't talking about mine either."

"That is a deal that I am happy to make with you," Kate told her. "Where to next?"

"Shoes," Johanna answered.

They browsed aisle after aisle in the shoe department until finally Johanna found a pair of red heels that she felt were right.

"I take it you're in a 'red' mood today," Kate commented as she looked at the items her mother had collected.

"Variety is the spice of life," she retorted.

Her daughter nodded, "And we see which variety of spice you're going for."

"Just for that, I'm not buying you a new lip gloss," Johanna retorted.

"Yes you are," Kate told her with a laugh. "You owe me and I'm not leaving here without it."

"Fine," Johanna said, "But if I'm buying you something, than this talk of seduction ends here and now or the deal is off and I'll keep it for myself."

"Deal," Kate laughed, figuring she had tormented her enough for the day, although she had to admit that tormenting her mother was a lot of fun.

* * *

"Can you do me a favor?" Johanna asked later that day as she leaned against the door frame of Kate's room.

Kate's gaze flicked towards her as she picked up her mascara, "Depends on what it is."

Johanna remained quiet for a moment, weighing whether or not she really wanted to ask this favor since she knew how it would be taken…even though she was hoping things would turn out the way she planned, which wouldn't make Kate's assumptions incorrect…but still….

"Change your mind?" Kate asked as she waited for her to say something.

"No," Johanna finally stated. "Can you…not call while you're out tonight?"

Her gaze darted towards her mother once more, she had a feeling she knew where her mother was hoping the evening would go…especially with the remembrance of the items she had purchased earlier in the day, but she wasn't going to make this awkward for her by making it obvious that she knew what was going on.

"I can do that," she answered, "But your phone has to stay on."

She nodded, "I'm fine with that…just don't call until you're coming back."

"Alright," Kate told her as she pushed a few strands of hair back into place.

"When do you think you'll be back?" Johanna asked, trying to make it sound as casual as possible.

Kate bit back a laugh, although a shadow of a smile was apparent on her lips. "I'm sure I could arrange to stay gone until morning…if you want."

"Could you?" Johanna replied, her gaze looking hopeful and apologetic all at once.

She laughed softly, "Yeah, I can do that…but if something changes and you want me to come back earlier, just call."

"Okay," her mother agreed as she shifted on her feet, adding "I'm sorry," to her statement.

"For what?" Kate laughed.

"Everything," she replied with a small laugh of her own, and as her gaze met her daughter's it was obvious that she was sorry for the favors she had just asked for and even sorrier that her daughter knew what they implied.

Kate stepped into her shoes and then walked towards her. "We talked about this," she reminded her as she held her gaze. "It's fine. I want the two of you to work out your issues…and I know you need privacy and time alone to do that so don't worry about it. It's okay, we're both adults…and besides, I'd rather you try to fix things than be the child of a broken home," she said lightly, hoping to put her mother at ease.

Johanna laughed, "It probably would be a tough adjustment for you to make at this age…and I wouldn't even be able to collect child support for you."

She grinned, "I know, you probably wouldn't even get alimony. You can't win at this stage; you'll have to keep him."

She smiled wistfully, "I'd like nothing more than to keep him…if only he'll cooperate."

"Do you have a plan?" Kate asked, "Or are you just going to wing this and hope for the best?"

"I'm going to lay my cards on the table," Johanna answered, "And then I'm going to hope for the best."

She nodded, "Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll probably need it."

"Maybe having a day apart has mellowed him a bit," Kate suggested, wanting to give her a bit of hope.

"I guess I'll find out," Johanna replied.

"Sooner rather than later," Kate stated as a knock sounded at the door.

Johanna took a breath, trying to steel her nerves as she got ready to face her husband. As Kate moved past her to go answer the door, she grasped her elbow and held her back for a moment.

"Can I ask one more favor?"

"What?"

"Can you make it sound like it's your idea that you're not calling or coming back tonight?" she asked quietly.

Kate was getting the picture; her mother had a plan in mind but she didn't want it to seem too obvious that she had set the scene for their reconciliation to be more than what it had been up to this point. She didn't want it to seem like a set-up, even though she doubted it was her mother's intentions to set him up in some way.

"Yeah, I can do that for you."

"I owe you one."

She laughed, "You bet you do," she teased as she walked off to answer the knock that was sounding at the door again.

Johanna lagged behind her, waiting until Kate had opened the door before she stepped into the living room.

Once Jim was inside, his gaze automatically sought out his wife as she stood towards the edge of the room. She said nothing, but her expression was serious, and he figured his own probably was too as he'd been sitting in the car for the last half hour trying to figure out what to say to her.

"When will you be back, Katie?" he asked, wanting to know how long he and Johanna would have to discuss their issues.

"I'll be back in the morning," she answered; and then seeing his surprised look, she added, "And I won't be calling."

"Why not?" he questioned.

"Because I expect the two of you to use this time to settle your problems," she stated. "This situation can't keep going on, so settle it…one way or another."

He smirked slightly as he recalled Castle's statement that Kate was bossy. He hadn't been lying. "See you tomorrow, Katie," he told her.

"Have a nice time," Johanna stated.

Kate gave her a smile, "You too," she told her and then she grabbed her purse and keys and made her escape.

* * *

Kate knocked on Castle's door 15 minutes before seven and she was greeted by his warm smile as he opened the door and allowed her in.

"I'm a little early," she said as she handed him her purse to put away in the closet.

"You're fine," he told her, ushering her into the kitchen area and directing her to take a seat at the counter. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

She smiled as she took in the soft, dim lighting, and the table that had been set for two, and was adorned with candles and fresh flowers. She took the seat he had indicated and accepted the glass of wine that he handed her.

"You cooked dinner for me?" she said, the smile remaining in place.

"Yes, I did," he told her. "I figured I would return the favor."

"That's sweet of you," she told him and after a moments pause to take a sip of her drink, she admitted somewhat sheepishly, "I don't think a man has ever cooked dinner for me before."

"Well then the members of my gender have been seriously remiss in their treatment of you; although I'm glad they have been because that means I get to be the first and you know how much I enjoy being first," he said with a grin.

She laughed, "We all know about your love affair with being number one, Castle," she stated as she watched him stir the contents of one pot and then lift the lid of another to check its progress.

"Need any help?" she offered.

"No, all I need is for you to sit there, relax, and enjoy the peace," he told her. "You'll notice that we are alone; no Broadway diva, no teenage daughter, and no bickering married couple."

Kate grinned, "Sounds great."

"Speaking of the bickering Beckett's," Castle said. "How is everything at home?"

"My mother has a plan," she replied. "I didn't ask for details, I figured I didn't want to know, although I can guess what part of it is, and she asked me not to call tonight…and told me not to come home until morning."

Castle smiled wickedly, "I knew I liked your mother for a reason."

She smirked at him playfully, "So I guess that means I can stay?"

"Anytime you want,' he replied.

A comfortable silence fell as she watched him prepare their plates and carry them to the table. She followed behind him and he pulled out her chair for her.

"Such the gentleman," she commented as she took her place.

"It's just to lull you into a false sense of security," he teased. "When I have you under my spell then my true nature shall reveal itself."

"I've seen your true nature, Castle," she quipped. "It doesn't scare me."

"Does it at least impress you?" he asked in mock indignation.

"Depends on what day it is."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, "I can live with that."

"This looks great by the way," she commented as she picked up her fork and prepared to sink it into the fettuccini dish he had prepared.

"Thank you," he replied. "I am a bit of a culinary master."

"You seem to think that you're a master of everything," Kate teased.

"I can't help it if I'm gifted, Kate," he replied in amusement. "Just enjoy all the things my many talents provide you with."

She laughed as she lifted her glass for a sip of wine, and then she recalled how she had told herself that she was going to make more of an effort to know more about him.

"Have you always liked to cook?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes, ever since I was a kid. I had a nanny who took cooking classes. She often did her 'homework' while looking after me and it's probably needless to say that I was her guinea pig."

"Well I hope she was good at it if you had to test it."

"Depended on what it was," he answered. "She was pretty good with treats, except for pies; and she made wonderful Italian dishes, but she was lousy with Mexican."

"Must've been quite the experience," Kate said.

He smiled, "It was. She was one of my better nannies."

"I always mean to ask you if that story you told in the acknowledgements of Heat Rises, about the cherries flambé incident from when you were a kid was true."

"Oh it's true," Castle remarked. "Mother was not amused…to say the least."

She grinned at him, "Did you get it good for that one?"

He nodded, "Mother yelled for hours," he laughed. "She didn't see the humor in it that I did…of course I didn't see the humor that she found in grounding me, either."

Kate laughed, "I bet you didn't; but I have to say, Cherries flambé seems kind of sophisticated for a kid to be craving."

"What I can I say," he replied, his eyes sparkling with amusement, "Even as a kid I was a person of refined tastes."

"When I was a kid the only thing I remember craving was…" she trailed off, breaking into laughter.

"What?" Castle asked.

"I probably shouldn't say."

"Oh now you have to tell me," he replied, his own laughter mingling with hers.

"Macaroni and cheese," she stated.

"Are you just saying that so you can call me macaroni?" he laughed.

"No, I swear to god, I really did crave macaroni and cheese a lot as a kid," she giggled.

"Well that seals it," he stated as he looked at her. "It's fate; you were destined to be the cheese to my macaroni."

"You think so?"

He nodded, "The universe makes it so…and you know that I respect the universe."

"I remember," she replied. "What about that other story you wrote in one of the acknowledgements about climbing up the drywall like a mountain climber?"

"True story," Castle told her. "Mother took that one better than the cherries flambé incident…although she still wasn't happy with me…but I wasn't happy with her either, she pulled me down before I could reach the summit."

"Mothers," Kate sighed, "They just have to ruin your good time, don't they," she said dramatically.

Castle laughed, "They do have a special knack for it."

"Tell me more stories about your childhood, Castle," she said as she continued to eat.

"Why are we talking so much about me?" he asked.

She shrugged, "Maybe I'm interested; or maybe I'm going to write a book and I'm doing 'research'," she quipped.

"I knew it," he said. "You're going to write a tell all book about me and expose me to the world."

Kate laughed, "You rode a police horse naked, what's left to expose to the world?"

He thought it over for a moment, "I'll have to get back to you on that one."

"You do that," she said. "In the meantime, tell me a story."

He indulged her request and as they continued their meal she kept poking and prodding him into telling more, although he kept trying to turn the conversation back around to her. She allowed that once in awhile so he wouldn't feel singled out, despite the fact that they were alone, but she always took the discussion back to him and she wondered why it seemed like he didn't like to talk about himself.

She didn't comment on that however, she probably would've been a hypocrite if she had, after all she wasn't particularly fond of talking about herself either, and yet Castle always seemed to draw out her secrets and stories without her noticing until it was too late. They lingered around the table, devouring the chocolate cake he had bought them for dessert and then sitting together companionably, with their glasses and the bottle of wine between them which was already half way gone when he rose from his chair and held out his hand to her.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Kitchen," he remarked, leading her the short distance. He left her standing in the middle of the floor as he turned on the radio. "We haven't tried this in my kitchen yet," he commented as he gently tugged her into his arms for a dance.

Kate smiled at him, "You really do like this, don't you?"

"What's not to like?" he asked before stealing a kiss from her.

"You don't know how happy it makes me that you like to do this, Castle," she whispered.

"Maybe I do," he replied.

"How?"

"The look in your eyes," he told her. "And that smile…you don't smile like that all the time."

"Maybe it's just for you," she commented, capturing his lips in a long, slow kiss.

"Than we should dance all the time," Castle replied as he pulled her a little closer.

"I wish we could."

He smiled, "Maybe we need to schedule special time for it."

Kate laughed softly, "Like date night?"

"We can schedule more of those too," he said.

"I'd like that," she commented.

"Good…because I had already planned on it."

She smiled at him, so much affection in her eyes that it made his heart flip. Things weren't perfect, but it was damn close, he thought to himself as they swayed slowly in the dim light of the room. Romancing her was having a positive affect…and she had done something that the majority of the women he had dated had never done…she dug deeper into who he was, pried out stories about his life, stories that weren't part of the best selling author, playboy persona that was given to the public. She went after the real story, she saw him…she always had, and maybe that was what made her different all along. Maybe that was part of the reason why he loved her the way he did…maybe that was why she fit into all those categories of how to know you had found the right woman, and he had no doubt that she was the right one…after all, even her father had said so.

He smiled; he was going to have to buy Jim season tickets for the Yankees.

* * *

Jim glanced at his watch and sighed heavily, good lord what was taking her so long, he wondered. He knew that she liked to linger in the bathtub but it had been over an hour. She was stalling and it made him nervous. He knew as soon as he walked in the door and looked at her that Johanna had made up her mind about something, he could see it in her eyes and read it in her body language. It was funny how well he could still read her after 13 years apart, he thought to himself; or rather, it was funny how easily he could still read her when he was calm and rational and allowed himself to read her as he should.

He sat forward on the sofa; his head falling into his hands, feeling like his life was hanging in the balance. They needed to talk and even though Kate had issued her demand that he be there for the evening, he had come with the intent to talk to his wife…although what he was going to say, he didn't know and now he was worried, because her expression had looked so very serious and that look in her eyes…there was definitely something weighing upon her mind and she had obviously been ready to unleash it upon him, but then Kate had left and the door had been locked and it was just the two of them and he saw her confidence falter as she faced him, and so she had gone off to regroup and had yet to return. It couldn't be good…and thinking that way opened up a whole box of insecurities. What if he had pushed her too far? What if he had hurt her too deeply? What if she was giving up on him, what if she had enough and had decided to leave? What if Jack suddenly looked better in comparison to a husband that doubted her word and accused her without evidence?

He brushed that thought away, there was no relationship with Jack…further discussion with Jeff, and a sleepless night full of reflection and in some part even his conversation with Rick had helped solidify his belief that Johanna hadn't lied to him, but as he thought those words, he raised his head and he caught sight of her phone lying on the coffee table. Usually she carried it into every room with her in accordance to Kate's wishes but she had left it behind. Was it a test of some sort, he wondered as his hand inched forward and picked up the sleek device. Had she left it there as a way of telling him to check it, to prove that there was no evidence of wrong doing? Or had she merely forgotten it or had she truly believed Kate when she had told them that she wouldn't be calling and felt it unnecessary to carry it with her?

Somehow he knew it wasn't a test. Johanna wasn't one to take measures such as that. If she wanted him to look at her phone to prove that there was nothing incriminating upon it she would've shoved it in his face herself and forced him to look. A part of him wondered why she hadn't done that, but then again, in his state of mind it probably wouldn't have done her any good.

His gaze remained focused upon the phone as it rested in his hand, his fingertips rubbing against its glossy red case. He smiled; not long after she moved in with Kate she had asked him to get her a new case for her phone as hers was white and she feared it would get mixed up with Katie's and cause problems. He had gone that same day and bought it for her, choosing red because it had always been her favorite color. She had smiled in approval, and then he had asked her if she was crazy when she actually tried to pay him back for it.

It would be easy enough to touch the screen and bring the phone to life, and a little voice in the back of his mind whispered that he should, egging him on to look through it and make sure that there had been no further contact with Jack. He could just look through her calls…he could search for the elusive last name of this mystery man who seemed to think he had a claim upon his wife…he could look for pictures. He could do all of that…all he had to do was touch the screen, the phone was like his, it wouldn't be hard to find what he was looking for, and if he was quick and she continued to linger, she wouldn't even know he had done it.

Jim frowned as his eyes remained locked on the black screen of her phone, she might not know that he had done it but he would and he didn't think he could live with the knowledge that he had stooped so low. He didn't want to be one of those husbands who searched their wives belongings in search of evidence that wasn't there due to some irrational fear, and besides if he touched that screen and searched her phone it would only go to prove that he wasn't worthy of the trust she so willingly placed in him and the last thing he wanted was to give Johanna a reason not to trust him.

He couldn't do it, he couldn't betray her trust, he couldn't invade her privacy. She was his wife, not a suspect, and more than that, it would just be wrong. It would be so very wrong and if she were to catch him…well he felt as though it might do irreparable harm to their relationship. He clutched the phone for a moment more, no, he wouldn't do it. He didn't need to, he felt secure that there was nothing to be found on her phone that she wouldn't willingly tell him about. He wouldn't stoop that low, that wasn't the kind of man she had married…and if he wasn't the man she had married than who was he?

Carefully he laid her phone back down on the coffee table, taking care to place it exactly as it had been. He had more faith in her than that. He settled back on the sofa, running a hand through his hair in agitation and was about to check his watch again when he heard the bathroom door open. Without thought he rose to his feet, why, he didn't know, maybe because he felt like there was a curve ball ahead and he wanted to be able to see it coming…but then again when had he ever been good at anticipating Johanna's curve balls? He hadn't anticipated that one back in 99, nor had he anticipated the one back in 79 when she looked at him from across the dinner table and blurted out 'I'm pregnant' right in the middle of a tirade about a case that was giving him trouble. He didn't have time to reflect on the others as she stepped into the room and his breath caught.

Now he knew what had taken her so long, he thought as his eyes roamed over her. She must've spent a few minutes taking the curling iron to that dark hair of hers that he loved so much, because now it was laying in soft loose curls that he wanted to bury his fingers in. She had put her makeup on, although he didn't know why, she was just as beautiful to him without it but still he appreciated the sight that was before him, the skillful swipes of eye shadow and mascara that made her eyes look even greener than they were, and those glossy lips that were begging to be kissed.

His eyes moved lower, and he swallowed as he looked at her clad in a black robe that appeared to be silk. She had tied it, and it clung to her figure alluringly and he couldn't help but wonder what she was hiding beneath it…there were no clues to be found, only exposed skin between her throat and the lapels of the robe, and no hints sticking out beneath the hem line which grazed across her skin, a few inches above her knees, giving him a generous view of those bare shapely legs that he had always loved, and he followed them downward to her painted red toenails which were peeking out of red open toed heels. She was a sight to behold, and he couldn't even find his voice to tell her so.

Somehow he forced himself to release the breath that he had been holding. Either she wanted to look damn good while she ripped his heart out or she was trying to kill him, he mused.

As she came closer, the smell of her perfume filled his senses and he couldn't help but think that if he were a betting man, he definitely bet on the theory that she was trying to do him in. He reached for her, his hands settling against her waist, his fingertips rubbing against the smooth material. He had been correct in his assumption, it was silk.

"You're beautiful," he murmured as he pulled her close, pressing a kiss against her temple and preparing himself to repeat the gesture in a path along her jaw line until he reached the goal of her lips, while one hand slipped away from her waist and reached for the silken sash of her robe.

"No," she whispered, pushing him back a step as she untangled his fingers from the sash.

Yeah, he was right, she was trying to kill him, he was certain of it now…but he figured it wasn't necessarily a bad way to go.

"We have to talk," Johanna told him.

"Talk," Jim said to himself as he forced himself to push desire aside. They needed to talk…he knew that, but suddenly it seemed as though it might be a little more difficult to focus on that task than it had been before. He took another step back, space was good. If he wasn't so close to her than he wouldn't be as tempted to keep her mouth occupied with kisses instead of words.

"We can't go on like we have been," she said quietly before he could even utter a word.

"I know," he said finally. "I don't want it to be this way."

Johanna locked her gaze upon his and he could see the pain lying in their depths, the scars upon her soul that spoke of a long torturous journey that she had been on alone. There was hurt in those eyes, and it made his heart ache as he continued to gaze into them, but there was also love and determination but there was something else there at the edges…something that he didn't want to see her in gaze, because it looked like resignation…and resignation couldn't be good for them.

"I don't know where to begin," she admitted. "All day I've tried to figure out the best way to do this…but I just don't know."

Jim shook his head, "You don't have to say anything. I was the one who acted like a fool, I was the one who pushed you away and wouldn't listen. I'm the one who's supposed to make this better…," he said before trailing off. I'm sorry still sounded as inadequate as it had when he was sitting in the car and he felt she deserved something more profound but at the moment he had nothing although his mind was working furiously to come up with some term that would be more meaningful than those two simple words that even toddlers could utter.

"Why?" Johanna asked; her voice steady but he could hear the undercurrents of vulnerability in her tone.

"Why?" he repeated, unsure of exactly what she was questioning about his statement.

"Why are you so convinced that I had betrayed you like that?" she replied.

"I'm not convinced," he answered. "Not anymore."

"Which means what, Jim?"

He looked her in the eye, "It means I believe you…I trust you and your word that nothing ever happened between you and…" he waved his hand as the name died on his lips; he just didn't want to say it.

"But why were you so convinced up until now?" she insisted upon knowing.

He rubbed a hand over his face and he began to pace, "Because there's this whole part of your life that I wasn't apart of," he stated. "I didn't know anything, except the basics, about the life you lived without me. I didn't know how you spent your time or who you spent it with."

"You never asked," she reminded him gently. "I would've told you anything that you wanted to know…all you had to do was ask me. I was too afraid to try and volunteer too much, Jim. I was never sure how it would be taken and I… I just didn't want to make things worse than they already were…and a part of me just wanted to forget. I was home and I was with you and that was all that mattered to me. As far as I was concerned, Meagan Stevens and Wyoming could go to hell…but I would've told you anything, I would've answered any questions you had," she repeated.

"I didn't want to know," he confessed to her. "I couldn't ask you because I didn't want to know how you had managed to go on…without me…because I've never been able to go on without you."

"I didn't go on," Johanna said quietly. "I told you the other night how it was…I wasn't making any of that up. I didn't live without you, Jim."

"I know," he answered. "I believe you…it's just, I couldn't help but wonder when I saw that name and heard that conversation and then the answers you gave me, and I admit that I was an ass and I went off the handle about it all…but as Jeff likes to say, you're my girl, Johanna," he said quietly. "You've been my girl since that first day I saw you, and I know, it took me a long time to figure it out, but you were always here," he said laying a hand over his heart, "You were always mine."

"I'm still your girl," she whispered. "I always have been, just like you said, and I always will be, no one can change that. I'm yours…no one could ever replace you; no one could ever even try because I wouldn't allow it. I know that you say you believe me now but I'm going to say this anyway," she stated. "I swear to you that there has never been anyone else. The last night we were together…that last time you made love to me, was the last time, Jim. I've never broken my vows to you; I was never unfaithful to you, never even considered it. I'm still yours…I will always be yours."

He nodded, he believed her, but there was still emotion welling up within him, "But you left me, Jo," he said quietly. "That day we met, you looked at me and told me I had no idea what you were capable of," he told her, a wistful smile on his lips for a brief second. "And you were right, I had no idea…and I used to think that I had no idea what you were capable of in all the right ways but then I realized that I didn't know what you were capable of in all the wrong ways too…because you left me."

"I didn't want to," she told him, choking on her own emotions that she was desperately trying to keep pushed down within her. "I didn't want to leave you, Jim, you have to know that. I've told you a hundred times that I didn't want to do it…and if they hadn't scared me so badly with thoughts that you and Katie could get hurt because of me, I would've told you everything back then. I swear I would've but I just didn't see any other way and it ripped me apart inside, Jim. It didn't feel good to know I was lying to you but I just didn't know what to do…I didn't want to die," she stated, and the look in her eyes begged him to understand. "It sounds so selfish but I didn't want to die…not for something that wasn't my fault, not that way. If it had been for you or Katie…I would've died willingly but not for some case, not for someone else's sins. I convinced myself that it would all be over in a few months…that they'd catch him and I could come home…I'd just have to be away for a little while…and a little while was so much better than being dead, because…"

"Don't," he begged her. "Don't say it."

She swallowed the words willingly because she didn't want to say them anymore than he wanted to hear them and really there was no need to speak them, the rest of that sentence hung in the air even without being spoken.

"I didn't want to leave you, I didn't want to leave Katie…and I didn't want to die," she repeated, her voice cracking, "I'm sorry…I know it doesn't make it better but I am…and I don't know how many times I can say it before you believe me."

"Do you think I would've preferred you to die, Johanna?" he asked, anguish in his tone as old wounds were exposed. "You don't ever have to apologize to me for wanting to stay alive. You don't have to apologize for being in fear for Katie's safety. I hate what you had to do …and what it's done to us, but I'd rather be separated from you than have you dead. God, Johanna, you don't know how many nights I laid awake wishing it had been me, that I could've taken your place, because I would have. I would've died for you…I'd still die for you to keep you safe. I'd do it without hesitation. Someone took you away from me, Johanna, someone ripped you out of my life and that still hurts. I know you didn't have a choice but I didn't want to live in a world without you…you were my world and if you weren't here to walk in it with me then I didn't want any part of it," he paused for a moment and swallowed hard, "And the whole time everyone kept telling me that I still had Katie…that she still needed her father and all I could think was how wrong they were. She needed her mother, she was nineteen but she was still a kid and she needed her mother to continue to guide her…what the hell could I offer her to help her make the transition of teenager to a grown woman. I love her with all my heart, but she wasn't enough, Johanna. Katie wasn't enough to make me want to go on and I let her down…and sometimes I thought she'd be better off without me. She just wasn't enough and I hated myself for that, still do on occasion. So you don't have to be sorry for wanting to be alive, because that's all I've spent the last thirteen years wishing for… and I know you're sorry and I already accepted your apologies for that and I forgive you for leaving me, because I know you didn't have a choice, but it still hurts…and there's still fear."

She swallowed back a sob and blinked rapidly, keeping the tears at bay. "I know," she whispered, "And if I could rip my heart out and give it to you I would, if it would make it better; but I can't…I can't change what's been done and I don't know how to fix this. You say there's still fear…you don't say what kind but I know what it is…you think I'm going to do this again, you think that you'll find out something terrible about the life I've been living in Wyoming…that's why you jumped all over that phone call, Jim. You don't trust me, you said it yourself…but I don't know what to do to fix this, I don't know how to prove to you that you can trust me, that I've always been faithful to you, that any other doubts you may have about me are unfounded…I just don't know how to make it better. I love you, Jim…but we can't go on like this."

"What are you getting at?" he asked quietly, that look of resignation still in her eyes, even though he tried to will it away.

"What kind of marriage can we have if you don't trust me?" she asked. "Trust is the most important thing in a marriage and if we don't have that… how are we supposed to have a good relationship if you're always suspicious of me? What kind of life can we have together if I'm always walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing…afraid of having what I've done thrown into my face every time we have an argument?"

"I have trust in you," he stated firmly.

"Do you?"

"Yes…if I didn't, I wouldn't keep coming back."

"And what about the other things?" she asked.

He looked at her, "You never have to be afraid to tell me anything. I might not like what you have to say but you don't have to live in fear," he stated, his expression grim as he contemplated the fact that his wife had used the word 'afraid' in regards to him. Is that what he had become? Had he turned into one of those husbands who made their wives fear them? The thought turned his stomach and he was forced to swallow the lump in his throat. "Good god, Johanna, I never thought I'd see the day when you feared me."

"I don't fear _you_," she told him. "I fear your reactions and I fear having this thrown in my face every time I turn around. I'm not in danger of forgetting what's happened, so do I really need to be constantly reminded?"

He shook his head, he knew she was right and he could admit to that. "No, you don't need to be reminded," he told her. "And I'm not going to be the type of person who keeps throwing salt in your wounds…that's not the type of person you married, and it's not the kind of husband I want to be and I'm not going to hold it against you anymore. You've already paid for whatever role you were forced to play in this…you're still paying for it."

"We all are," she said quietly.

"I know."

"That night the bullet grazed my arm, you went on a well deserved tirade about what I had done," Johanna stated. "You told me that I had taken away your options and choices."

"What are you saying, Jo?" he asked quietly, his stomach suddenly tied in knots as a new type of fear slid down his spine.

"I'm saying that I'm giving you back your options, Jim."

"Meaning" he asked, although a part of him was afraid to know.

"Meaning that the last time…I left you…and now, I'll give you the chance to leave me this time."

The statement stunned him and stole his breath. She couldn't be serious, could she?

"You have two doors to choose from," Johanna told him firmly but softly. "You can choose that door," she said with a gesture to the door of the apartment, "And tell me that you don't want to do this anymore…that you think it's too broken to fix. You can walk away and be free of me…you can go and find happiness…because I want you to be happy, Jim. I can't lie and say I don't want you to be happy with me, because I do, but if I don't make you happy, if you don't think I can, than you have every right to try and find happiness where you can. If you want to go, I'll let you…it'll kill me but I'll let you go, Jim."

He stared at her, barely breathing as he listened to her utter those words. Was she really saying these things? Was his wife really telling him that it was okay to leave her? To say it was unexpected was an understatement and he had to force himself to focus on her as she opened her mouth to speak again.

"If you choose that door," she stated, "Then you don't come back here and sit with me every day, regardless of what responsibility you feel towards me. That would be too painful for both of us, so if you go, you only come back here to see Katie, you don't come for me."

Johanna studied him for a moment, making sure he was listening and he was, she found. He was listening intently to every word she was saying and she geared up for the second part of her speech…the choice she hoped and prayed he'd make.

"Or you can choose door number two," she told him. "I'll be behind door number two."

"Johanna," he whispered.

"Shhh," she said, moving closer and laying her fingertips against his lips, "I'm not finished."

He gave a slight nod that he'd allow her to finish and she continued on.

"If you choose the second door," she said quietly with a flick of her wrist in the direction of the hallway and the door to her room, "Then we both make an agreement to do everything we can to make this work, we agree that we both want this, that we both want to be in this marriage and are committed to it. If you decide to stay then we make a pact that there will be no more secrets, no more lies, no more grudges, no more fear…just complete trust and honesty. We go back to talking about things…even if they're painful, instead of allowing them to fester and blow up later on over something inconsequential."

She paused to take a breath, her gaze never leaving his, "If you choose me…than we agree that this is worth fighting for…that we're worth fighting for…because in my heart we are. I love you…and I don't doubt that you love me and I think that if we work together, like we used to, than we can repair our marriage and we can have our life back. I'm not saying it will be easy…I'm sure it will be hard at times, but I'll never give up on you if you choose me. I'll fight to the finish with you."

"Jo," he breathed, his hands settling upon her waist once more but she shook her head, telling him that she still wasn't finished yet and he fell silent, allowing her to get it all out.

"If you choose to walk through that second door," she whispered, "Then you lock it behind you…and you come to bed…and you make love to me and we lay this to rest, just like we always did at the end of a stalemate…and when we get up tomorrow, we start over with a clean slate and together we make it work…but just in case you don't choose me," Johanna said quietly, moving even closer, her fingers grazing along his jaw, "Than I want to kiss you one more time."

He felt choked as that statement sank in and before he could find his voice, her lips were claiming his and he was drawn into her kiss, his arms wrapping around her, holding her to him like a vice as he realized she had kissed him this way once before.

Fear slammed into his heart at the memory that it invoked. This kiss she was bestowing upon him…this kiss that was so full of love and desperation was the same one that he had misread that day in January of 1999, that final kiss that had been seared into his memory. 'No,' his mind screamed, he couldn't let this happen again. He couldn't lose her again. His hold tightened even more and he returned her kiss with a bruising intensity as he desperately tried to change the feel of it. It felt too much like a goodbye, like they were ending and he hated it. He didn't ever want her to kiss him that way again.

She began to pull away and he tried to hold her in place but she gently managed to remove herself from his grasp.

"I love you," she said softly, "But it's your choice now. I already made mine when I chose to come home to you…this is where I stand and now you need to decide where you stand…and I'll respect whatever choice you make. If you decide to leave, then text me and I'll come lock the door…and we'll let it go."

With that said, she shared one last, long look with him and then she turned, picked up her phone and headed for the hallway…and the sound of her door clicking shut filled the air around him as he stood there alone, staring in the direction that she had gone.

Johanna closed the room to her door and leaned against it for a moment, praying that she had done the right thing. She kicked off her shoes and placed her phone on the nightstand before climbing onto her bed and taking a seat in the middle of it. Her ears strained for the sound of the apartment door opening and closing, but she heard nothing, no movement at all. What if he didn't choose her, she wondered, a tear breaking free and slipping down her cheek despite her efforts to blink it away. What if she had played the wrong cards and he leapt at the chance to be free from her?

She allowed a few more tears to escape. If he chose to go then she'd just have to accept it like she had told him she would…but she didn't want to…she just wanted him. Maybe she'd been a fool, maybe she should've just begged him not to give up on her, to stay with her, to tell her that everything would be alright like he always had in the past, but even if she thought those things, she knew it would've been wrong. She couldn't ask him to stay with her if it wasn't what he wanted. That wasn't fair to him, especially when the demise of their marriage would rest solely upon her shoulders.

She was still listening for the sound of the locks releasing on the door, or the buzz of her cell phone to confirm her worst nightmare, but then her door opened, and he came inside, closing it behind him and she heard him turn the lock. Cautious relief flooded her as he walked towards the bed and she moved towards the edge, rising up on her knees so she could reach for him.

His arms went around her willingly and tightly and she breathed in his scent as she held onto him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, his throat tight. "I'm so sorry, Johanna."

"It's alright," she said softly. "I understand. I forgive you."

He pulled back from her enough to look into her eyes. There she was, so easily offering him forgiveness despite the fact that he had obviously hurt her with his accusations. She always forgave him...because she loved him. "I love you," he whispered before cupping her face and kissing her.

"I love you too," she managed to whisper between kisses that were steadily growing in intensity. She could feel the heat of his hands seeping through the silk material she wore, and his lips were against that spot her neck and all she was ready to let go, to be with him, to have him make her forget for awhile as they forgave one another.

He felt her fingers on the buttons of his shirt and gently grasped her wrist, stopping her for a moment, as he forced himself to pull back from her. He didn't want her to think that he had chosen her for the wrong reasons. He wanted her but he didn't want her to feel forced into doing something she wasn't comfortable with.

"We don't have to do this," he told her quietly as he held her gaze.

"I want to," she whispered. "I want you…," she trailed off as a terrible thought entered her mind. "Don't you want me?" she asked; thinking that maybe she had waited too long.

"Of course I want you," he told her, pulling her back against him. "I just didn't want you to think that we had to do this, that it was some sort of deal breaker. If you're not comfortable then we'll wait. I won't be angry with you…if that's what you're afraid of."

"I don't want to wait anymore," she told him. "I just want to be with you."

"You sure?" he asked one final time.

"I'm sure," she answered before kissing him to prove it, her fingers going back to work on the buttons of his shirt. His hand fell to the tie of her robe and he pulled on it until it opened and then he slipped it off of her shoulders, tossing it aside as he parted from her, his curiosity about what she had been hiding beneath it, making him want to see what he had revealed. He smiled as his eyes roamed over her, taking in the sight of that little dark red silk nightgown. His gaze made its way back to her face, a coy smile on her lips.

"You said you liked me in red," she reminded him.

Jim nodded, "You're incredible in red, Johanna," he stated appreciatively as he pulled her back against him. "But of course you're incredible in anything…although I will admit that at the moment; red could be my new favorite color."

Her laugh was cut off by a searing kiss, the air becoming even more charged than before. It wasn't going to be the way she had thought their first time back together would be and she knew that. It wouldn't be a slow, tender affair, not this time anyway. There was too much behind it now, their bubble of contentment had been burst and now all of those feelings of grief, longing, and anger were at the surface, mixed with the need to prove, to claim, and to erase this one final barrier of their separation. He was already grasping the hem of her nightgown, pulling it up and over her head and tossing it to the floor to join his shirt. She couldn't find it in her to ask him to slow down, especially when her own hands and lips were being just as greedy as his was. She pulled him against her, beckoning him to join her and he gently laid her down, his weight pressing against her as they resumed their tasks of removing layers, and giving into all the things they had been denying themselves.

When it was over, and they were still tangled in one another and the sheets, he remained hovering over her, looking down into her face, waiting for those things he had been thinking of just the other night, and then he felt her reach for his hand, her palm sliding against his, their fingers entwining and his throat felt thick with emotion as she whispered that breathless 'I love you' before giving him that smile that was his and his alone.

He kissed her tenderly, and then shifted, pulling her against his side and holding her tightly. She was his, he was hers…and they were going to be together, just the way it had always been supposed to be.

* * *

As the hours passed while they danced and made flirtatious comments, the atmosphere between them grew more and more charged, until finally the dancing had ceased and they were locked in a passionate embrace, each kiss more heated than the last as hands roamed freely, seeking out skin and exploring new territory.

This was usually when she pulled back and put a stop to things, Kate thought to herself, and yet she couldn't find it within her to do so now. She enjoyed the feel of his hands on her too much; their kisses were too intoxicating to give up. She always wondered what it would be like to be with him…probably incredible, she mused as his lips grazed her collar bone. She could find out what it would be like; they were alone, there was virtually no chance of interruption. There was no reason why they had to stop…and she decided that she wasn't going to.

It was time, she figured. They had held out long enough, and as she found herself being pressed back against the door of the refrigerator, she began to flick open the buttons of his blue shirt, eager to slip her hands inside and feel the skin of his chest against her fingertips. As he realized what she was doing, he pulled back from her, breathlessly.

"Kate," he said; his tone asking everything that he hadn't found the words to say.

"I want this," she whispered.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded, "I'm sure," she told him. "I don't want to stop."

He grinned at her like a kid who had just gotten exactly what he had wanted for Christmas, and she laughed as he lifted her up, her legs wrapping around his waist automatically, and carried her to his bedroom. He deposited her on his bed and wasted no time joining her, picking up where they left off in the kitchen, with intense, heated kisses and touches that were growing bolder, stoking the desire that had been building within her. It was playful and it was passionate, just as she had always imagined it might be, and she rid him of his blue shirt, just as his hands found their way back beneath hers, his fingertips trailing up her side in just the right way that he managed to find her ticklish spot, causing her jerk away and giggle.

His eyes danced with mischief as he looked at her, "Ticklish, are we?" he said wickedly, swiping his fingers across the spot again, making her laugh in the process.

"Don't" she giggled as he repeated the gesture for a third time, this time dragging his fingertips back and forth across the area, keeping the sensation alive.

"But it's so much fun," he teased as she squirmed.

"I can play that game too," she said breathlessly, her hands moving up and down his chest, back, and sides, desperately seeking out an area where he might be ticklish.

"You're not going to find a spot," he laughed before capturing her lips in a kiss, her hands stilling against his back and then pulling his closer to her. His hands continued their journey as he kept her lips occupied and then he jerked away as he felt her fingernails trailing against a sensitive spot beneath his arm.

Kate laughed, "Found it."

"I've been told that it's unattractive to be smug," he retorted, a smile tugging at his lips.

She shrugged, "I'm okay with that," she said as she dragged her nails along the spot again, making him laugh as he captured her hands and pinned them above her head.

"Now let's see you misbehave," he taunted.

She smiled seductively, "Oh I assure you that I can still misbehave, Castle," she said coyly and to prove it she wiggled against him.

"Minx," he stated as he returned to his ministrations with renewed vigor thanks to her little trick, and he let go of her hands and she allowed one to sink into his hair as he worked his way down her neck. He pulled her up into a seated position long enough to slip her top off of her and discarded it on the floor as he pushed her back into place. His eyes roamed over her, along with his hands as he admired what he had uncovered. His fingers came in contact with the scar from her surgery, and he studied it for a long moment before tracing it with his fingers a few times and then he lowered his head to kiss it before moving on, his hands gliding upwards; the soft black material of her bra rubbing against his skin. His eyes sought out the scar from the bullet and when he found it, he repeated what he had done before; he studied it, traced it, and kissed it several times while murmuring that she was beautiful.

Her eyes had been closed until she realized that he had been lingering upon her scars. When he had moved on from the scar on her side, she had hoped that he wouldn't repeat the process when he came to the round scar she bore from the bullet, but he did, and as she looked at him hovering over her, his eyes on that wound, her mind flashed back to that day a year before when he had been hovering over her as she laid on the ground, and in her mind she heard his words once more.

"_I love you, Kate."_

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it away, but it all came back with a vengeance and worse of all was the weight that suddenly pressed against her in regards to the lie she had told him about not remembering the shooting. How could she go through with this with that weight on her shoulders? If they did this now and then he found out…it could ruin things between them…but then again, it could ruin things between them regardless if they made love or not and she wanted to be with him…she wanted it so much and yet she could feel the moment slipping away no matter how hard she tried to hold on to it. She bit the inside of her cheek as she felt his lips against the skin of her stomach.

His fingers were on the snap of her jeans when he realized that something was different. Her demeanor had changed, she wasn't participating or responding as she had been and he looked up at her face, and saw the tension in it and felt it taking over her body.

"Kate," he said softly.

He watched as she winced at the sound of her name and he knew that this wasn't going to happen tonight.

"Kate," he said again. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

She swallowed hard, "I do…but I can't. I just can't," she whispered.

"Okay," he replied, moving off of her, settling at her side and pressing a kiss against her cheek. "We don't have to do this tonight."

"But I wanted to," she stated, "It was my idea…"

"Kate, it's fine if you changed your mind," Castle told her, keeping his tone soft so she'd know that he felt no anger towards her for stopping.

"No it isn't," she said as she pushed herself off the bed. She grabbed her shirt and fled in the direction of the bathroom.

She shut the bathroom door and locked it and then tugged her shirt back over head, before burying her face in her hands. It never failed to amaze her how quickly things could go from amazing to disastrous. She glanced at herself in the mirror and took in the sight of her distraught features; she closed her eyes, she couldn't stand to look at herself. Her conscience picked a hell of a time to jump up and slap her in the face; but of course that wasn't to say that it didn't bother her on occasion about the lie she had told.

Kate turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on her face. She couldn't blame her conscience; she had to blame herself and her actions. She was pathetic…no, worse than that, she thought to herself, she was just a terrible person.

Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as tears stung her eyes at that thought. "Truth hurts," she whispered quietly as she forced herself to look at her reflection in the mirror, and at the moment she felt terrible. She was terrible for lying to him, especially when he was always so good to her, and she was even more terrible for the fact that she couldn't bring herself to open the door and face him and give him the truth like he deserved. He deserved so much better than her.

A part of her felt like she shouldn't have stopped, that she should've just pushed those awful memories away…but she hadn't been able to. The way he had been hovering over her, looking at those scars…it was too much…it was too similar to the way he had been kneeling over her as she laid on the grass that day, bleeding from that wound. A few tears broke free and rolled down her cheeks, he had said that she was beautiful as he kissed those marks…but she didn't feel beautiful. She felt ugly inside, she felt tainted in some way.

She could only imagine what he must be thinking of her now, changing her mind like that and then locking herself in the bathroom like a panicked teenager. He had already accused her of leading him on…he must be convinced of it now, she thought, and when he found out the truth he was going to think even less of her…and she didn't know how she'd bear it…because she had a feeling she'd lose him for sure this time.

Castle sat on the foot of the bed, trying to be patient and allow Kate time to calm herself down, but he was so desperate for her to re-emerge from the bathroom that he was sure his stare would burn a hole through the door at any moment.

He didn't know what had gone wrong when everything seemed to be going so right. He wracked his brain; had he done something that made her uncomfortable? He didn't think he had; she had been responding and engaging in a manner that had told him she was enjoying things just as much as he was…at least she had been up until those last few moments when he felt the change in her and then he recalled that he had lingered over her scars, looking at them, tracing them, kissing them. Maybe she was self-conscious about the marks upon her body, maybe she thought they made her less attractive. She couldn't be anymore wrong if she did, he had even told her she was beautiful as he kissed them and traced them with his fingertips; but he knew from the experience of being raised by a single mother, and then raising his own daughter, that when a woman saw what she perceived as a flaw with her body, no comment to the contrary could change her mind.

This was probably his fault, he thought to himself. His attention to those marks had probably made her insecure…or maybe it was something else. Maybe she had suddenly felt like they were moving too fast…maybe she was still afraid to make that final leap. If so, that was fine, he could wait for her; he'd already proven that time and again. He wasn't one of those men who got angry when a woman changed her mind about intimacy; and he hoped to god that Kate wasn't standing in the bathroom thinking that he was. He respected women and their choices, if she wasn't ready even when she thought she had been, well then, there was no reason to be upset with her; you just switched game plans…and he'd be happy to switch to a different plan for the night if she'd just come out of the bathroom; but then again, he thought, maybe she should stay in there because he knew when she finally did emerge, she was going to try to run…and he just couldn't let her do that. Not now, not again, not when they were finally making progress.

He gave her five more minutes and then he got up and knocked on the door.

"Kate," he called gently. "Please come out. It's okay."

She squeezed her eyes shut at the sound of his voice but she knew that she couldn't stay in there all night…although she was tempted.

"Kate," he called out again.

Slowly she moved to the door and opened it, stepping back into the bedroom, her gaze not meeting his.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No," she said to herself, but she nodded instead of uttering the truth of the matter. "I'm fine," she whispered and then forcing her gaze to his, she murmured, "I'm sorry, Castle."

He shook his head, "No, you don't have to be sorry. It's fine."

"No it's not," she said as she began to pace. "I wanted it…I do want it…I just… I'm sorry," she uttered again, because she just couldn't tell him the real reason right now, not in this moment which was already so terrible.

"Did I do something?" he began to ask, just to be certain for his own peace of mind.

"No!" she exclaimed. "You didn't do anything wrong…or anything that I didn't want. It's not you, Castle…it's me…it's always me," she said as her voice cracked a bit.

He cautiously wrapped his arms around her but she remained tense in his embrace even as she returned it. "You don't have to apologize," he assured once again. "Tonight wasn't the right time, it's okay. Maybe we got a little ahead of ourselves, we're still figuring things out and getting used to this new stage," he said rationally. "We can wait a little longer, that's not a problem."

He was being so understanding about this and it only made her feel worse as she pulled away from him. "I should go," she stated.

Castle shook his head, "No, Kate."

"What do you mean, no?" she asked.

He locked his gaze on hers, "I mean that I'm not going to let you walk out of here tonight."

Her brow rose in challenge, "I can go if I want."

"But you're not going to," he said firmly, "Because I'm not going to let you run away from me. If you walk out the door, I'm going to be hot on your heels, following you every step of the way even if I have to ride on the top of your car," he told her seriously.

"Why?"

"Because I know you," Castle stated. "If I let you walk out of here over this…we'll be right back to square one and I'm not going to let that happen. We've taken too many steps forward, granted they're baby steps, but steps all the same, and we've come too far to go backwards now. I'm not willing to lose the progress we've made just because we started something that we're not going to finish tonight. Are you willing to lose that progress, Kate?"

She said nothing, but he could tell that he had struck a nerve. "There's nothing I'd like more than to make love to you, Kate, but you should know by now that that's not the only thing I want from you, and that I care about you and I respect you. When it happens I want it to be right, I don't want there to be regrets, so if you needed to stop because you weren't ready to go there yet, than that's fine, no harm done, but don't runaway from me because of it."

She wasn't going to get her way this time, and she knew it. She had no doubt that he'd chase her all over New York City if he had to and as much as she wanted to flee there was that part of her that wanted nothing more than to stay and take whatever moments she could before this all blew up in her face…because it was coming and she knew that too.

"Besides," he said, breaking through her thoughts, "You told your mother that you wouldn't be home until morning," he reminded her, playing the only other card he had.

Kate sighed, that was true, she had promised to stay gone…and she hoped that her mother was having a better night than she was because hers was all shot to hell now.

"Alright," she replied quietly. "I'll stay."

He smiled at her and held out his hand which she accepted after a moment's hesitation.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"The living room," he replied. "We'll have a movie marathon…maybe we should make it a comedy movie marathon."

She nodded, "That sounds good."

He led her to the couch and then he set things up for their movie marathon. He could tell she was still on edge so he did his best to lighten things up, giving commentary about the movies, as he had the night he took her to the Broadway show. He managed to get a few smiles out her, eventually a soft laugh or two, and finally she was relaxed enough that she allowed him to tug her close, wrapping his arm around her, settling her against his side, and two movies later, when they had shifted around and were stretched out on the couch, he breathed a sigh of relief as she willingly curled up against him her head on his chest, her ear pressed against the sound of his heartbeat. He ran his hand over her back in a soothing motion until finally she fell asleep and then he allowed himself the luxury of pressing a kiss against her hair.

* * *

Johanna was lying against Jim's chest, using him as her pillow and his fingers were buried in her hair, threading through it when he broke the comfortable silence between them.

"I have to tell you something," he said quietly, as if speaking in a normal tone would disturb the peace that they had found, lying there together in the aftermath of their lovemaking.

"What?" she asked, her tone full of sleepy contentment as she snuggled against him, finding a more comfortable position.

"Jeff knows," he told her.

"Knows what?"

"About you," he answered. "I told him…he knows that you're alive."

Her head rose from his chest and her sleepy gaze locked upon his, "Katie is going to have your head on a platter."

"Who said anything about telling Katie?" he asked. "We agreed that there wouldn't be anymore secrets between us…we didn't say anything about Katie."

She laughed softly, "Look at that," she said, "You've already found a loop hole."

Jim grinned, "Well I did take loop hole 101 in law school."

She smiled and brushed a light kiss across his lips, "We can discuss the specifics of the contract later. How long has he known?"

He told her about how he had confided in Jeff during that first big fight they had and when she asked what had made him tell his best friend, he answered, "He was suspicious, he knew something was going on with me and I guess by that point I just needed to tell someone. I just needed to get it out. I knew I could trust him…I just needed to talk to someone about everything.

"I understand," she told him. "I know it's not easy to keep everything inside all the time and while I know Katie won't be happy if she finds out, I'm glad you told him and that he's been there for you like he always has," she said with a smile.

"We're careful about it," Jim told her. "We never talk about it unless we're alone and we never discuss it on the phone. He knows what's at stake."

"You don't have to explain," she said as she shifted and made herself comfortable at his side so she could hold eye contact with him. "I know that we can trust Jeff. I know he'd never do anything that would hurt us."

"I just wanted you to know," he told her. "You said you didn't want anymore secrets between us…not that I was really keeping it from you. I would've told you sooner but I was afraid Katie would overhear."

"It doesn't matter," she told him. "You told me now, and we'll keep it between us."

He rolled onto his side so he was face to face with her and he kissed her as he wrapped an arm around her.

"How did he take it?" she asked.

"Better than me and Katie."

"The circumstances are different for you and Katie."

"I know," he replied and then he set about telling her what Jeff's reaction had been to the news.

"So he doesn't hate me?" she asked when he finished.

"Of course not," Jim told her. "He can't wait to see you and talk to you…that's why I told you not to worry that night you asked about him. He's still calling you 'Sassy' and thinking of you as his little sister."

Johanna smiled, "I feel better knowing that," she told him. "I'd hate to think of not having him as a friend and I wouldn't want my presence to somehow hurt your friendship with him."

"You don't have to worry," he assured. "Jeff is in our corner just like he always has been."

She nodded and then after a few moments she looked him in the eye, "So, we're going to start fresh tomorrow?" she asked, wanting to clarify that they were most certainly letting things go.

"Yes," Jim told her. "I agree with everything you said; we need to let the past where it belongs, and I'm ready to do that because having you back in my life is more important to me than who did what and why. I know there's still things we'll have to talk about, but I think we can do that better now that we've decided and agree that we can get past this. I want us to get back to what we had…and I'm willing to work with you for that. I love you and you're worth fighting for."

There were tears in her eyes as she whispered, "I was afraid that you wouldn't choose me…I was afraid we were done for good this time."

"We've never been done, Johanna," he said quietly, "Even when I thought you were never coming back…I never let you go. I could never not choose you; you're the person I'm supposed to be with, you're the one who makes me whole. I know it's not always going to be easy as we work on things…but you don't ever have to worry that I'm going to leave you," he assured her.

"Do you promise?" she asked softly as a tear slipped free.

"I promise," he replied as his thumb brushed across her cheek, brushing away the tear that had fallen. "Do you promise not to leave me again?"

"Yes," she answered. "I promise."

He drew her to him and kissed her slowly, his hands beginning to move over her once more, and before he wiped away her thoughts completely, she thought to herself that maybe she wasn't going to have to wait long for that slow, tender lovemaking after all.

* * *

It was after six when Kate woke up the next morning, her mind still jumbled and her eyes tired from a restless night. She had jerked awake several times throughout the night, but she had made no effort to slip away from Castle and sneak out the door. She had remained there, planted firmly against his side, drinking in the feel of his arms around her, holding her securely and his scent that always seemed so soothing to her. Each of those times that she had woken she had laid there and wondered how much longer she would have the luxury. She needed to leave…it was cowardly but true, and since it was morning she figured he wouldn't be able to object.

"Castle," she said quietly, nudging him awake.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm going to go," she told him.

He raised his wrist to look at his watch, "It's only 6:30, Kate. Wait awhile longer. I'll make you breakfast and get you some coffee."

She shook her head as she untangled herself from him, "No, I better get back. I should check on things at home," she said, using her mother as an excuse, but she figured it was true, she did need to check in…although maybe not quite this early but she was antsy, she needed space to work through the jumble of thoughts in her head.

"I'm sure they would've called if something was wrong."

"I need to go home, Castle," she said softly, hoping he'd understand and wouldn't fight her.

He sighed in resignation as he rose from the sofa and followed her to the door. "You're not going to push me away, are you?" he asked.

"No," she told him, looking him in the eye when she said it. "I promise."

To test her, he hooked a finger beneath her chin and pulled her close, kissing her with tenderness and understanding. She returned his kiss, even allowed it to linger and he figured that had to be a good sign and so he didn't pressure her to stay any longer as she went to the closet and retrieved her purse.

"We'll talk later?" he asked.

"We always do," she replied. "Thank you for dinner last night; it was wonderful…everything was wonderful…until," she trialed off and then once again murmured the words, "I'm sorry."

"Let's just leave it at everything was wonderful," he told her.

She nodded in agreement and whispered goodbye and then was gone.

He found himself staring at the door again. He'd give her a few hours to regroup and then he'd go get her coffee and go knock on her door.

For whatever reason, Kate found herself at the playground, sitting on a familiar swing. The one she had been sitting on nearly a year ago when she and Castle had their talk when she reappeared in his life after a three month absence. As messed up as she had been back then, she felt as though her mind was even more weighted now. Maybe she should've told him the truth that day, maybe then she wouldn't be in the mess she was in now.

She was embarrassed to say the least, and the thought crossed her mind that she could've told him the truth the night before, but she had panicked and kept her mouth shut. What was it about her that made her do these stupid things? Was it some kind of deeply rooted character flaw? She ran a hand through her hair and pushed her foot against the ground, giving the swing a small touch of motion. She had thought about going to Lanie's and laying her burden on her best friend's shoulders, but then she had thought better of it. She didn't want to show up unannounced, just in case her friend wasn't alone, and then there had been the thought of the lecture that Lanie would dole out to her. She didn't think she could handle one of Lanie's well meaning yet stern no nonsense lectures at the moment. She needed a softer touch, and the thought of Johanna entered her mind. Maybe she needed her mother…but confiding in Johanna could get awkward at the point of the story that involved the events of the night before.

She sighed, it would be great if she had someone who was a nice combination of her mother and best friend, but since she didn't, she'd either have to choose one of them or keep the burden to herself, and keeping it to herself wasn't very appealing. She really knew how to make a mess of things.

He'd been so kind about the whole thing and it only made the knot in her stomach worse, and for the thousandth time since she had pulled away from him in his bedroom, she thought about how he deserved so much better than her. She swallowed hard, her and her lies, and her stupid habit of running, and that damn wall that was just about demolished. Why did she have to be so screwed up? She leaned her head against the chain of the swing; this was all going to blow up in her face…and then what would she do? What would she do if he walked away from her? He'd been close to it only months before, and she supposed that he would be well within his right to follow through with it once she told him what she had done.

She didn't know how long she sat there, thinking about all the ways this could go wrong, and then trying to convince herself that it was possible it could turn out alright…but she wasn't very successful in her attempts to think positively…because she knew there was no way he was going to take this revelation without getting angry. She would be angry if he was making the same confession to her. The sun was growing brighter, and she cast a glance at her watch, finding it to be a little after 7:30. There was no point in sitting there all morning, thinking of all the possibilities of how epic of a fail this was going to turn out to be. She needed to go home and sort through her thoughts and regain some type of control over herself. With that thought in mind, she slipped her phone from her pocket and hit her mother's number and when she answered she asked if it was safe for her to come home.

She got the all clear and she ended the call and rose from the swing, making her way back to the car. Why did people lie, she mused. Lies always came back to bite you in the ass.

* * *

Kate entered her apartment and dropped her bag and keys on the stand. She could hear her parents in the kitchen, and she paused for a moment to listen to them, gauging the tones of their voices. They sounded normal, her mother was laughing. Obviously peace had been restored, thank god, she thought to herself. She forced her feet forward, the light throb in her head forcing her to seek out caffeine to soothe it.

"Good morning, Katie," Johanna said as she stepped into the kitchen.

"Good morning," she answered, taking in the scene at the table. Her father was finishing breakfast and she looked at him and said, "I see she's feeding you again…does that mean we're back to be the loving dysfunctional family I'm accustomed to?"

"I wouldn't say we're dysfunctional," Jim commented with a smile in her direction.

Kate's brow rose, "What would you call it?"

"I don't think there's a word for it," he laughed.

"There is," she told him. "The word is dysfunctional."

"Did you have a nice evening?" Johanna asked as Kate poured herself a cup of coffee.

She was quiet for a moment, the question was innocent but it brought all of those feelings forward and she kept her head turned, not daring to meet her mother's gaze because she knew if she did, she'd be liable to burst into tears and tell her everything and that wasn't something she wanted to do with her father sitting there at the table.

"It was fine," she answered.

"Just fine?" her mother inquired; her suspicions on the rise. Kate wasn't acting like herself and obviously something had gone wrong.

"Yeah," she said as she turned, her coffee mug in hand. "It was fine. I'm going to go get a shower."

When she was out of ear shot, Johanna looked across the table at Jim, "Well that can't be good," she remarked.

He nodded in agreement, "Yeah, that didn't sound like the good kind of fine," he stated as he finished off his coffee and rose from his place at the table, "And since taking care of those issues is your department, I'm going to get out of here and let you be a mom."

She stood and walked into his arms, savoring the feel of his embrace. "You don't have to go," she whispered.

"I don't think she's going to tell you anything if I'm around," he replied, "And I'd rather go and let her talk to you, instead of having her keep whatever it is bottled up inside. She does too much of that."

"You're probably right," she conceded.

He kissed her and told her he loved her. "If I need to go kill Rick, call and let me know and I'll take care of it," he said as she walked him to the door.

Johanna laughed softly, "Hopefully it isn't that bad."

"I hope not too, but if it is, you let me know," he told her before stealing one last kiss.

"I will," she promised, "Although if it's that bad you may have to take a number and get in line."

They said their goodbyes and Johanna went and cleaned up the kitchen as she waited for Kate to reappear. When an hour had passed and she still hadn't returned, she knew it was going to be up to her to seek her out and try to pry the problem out of her.

Johanna entered Kate's room and found her curled up on her bed, facing away from her. She remained quiet as she crossed the room and took a seat on the opposite side of the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked her softly.

She bit her lip for a moment before replying, "Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I do, but part of the story could be…awkward," she admitted quietly.

"That's alright," Johanna replied. "Remember you reminded me that I told you awhile back that we could talk about those things…and then there is that other reminder that you keep giving me about how we're both adults and we can handle those types of discussions."

She gave a short soft laugh in response, "But still."

Her mother chuckled, "We don't have to look at each other during that part of the story," she told her. "And you can just give me the general idea, without details that I don't want to hear."

"You don't have to worry about that," Kate replied.

"Alright then, are you ready to tell me what's wrong?"

Kate was quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm going to blow this."

"Blow what?"

"This thing with Rick."

"Why do you think that?"

Tears began to sting her eyes. "Because I'm a terrible person," she whispered.

"You are not!" Johanna protested.

"Yes I am," she replied. "You don't know what I've done."

Johanna dropped a hand onto Kate's head and lightly raked her fingers through her hair in a soothing motion. "I'm sure it isn't as bad as you seem to think."

"But it is," she cried. "I lied to him…I've been lying to him for over a year."

"What have you been lying about?" Johanna asked; no trace of judgment in her tone. "And why?"

Kate wiped away the tears that escaped and spilled down her cheeks and then she sat up and turned to face her mother. She looked into her face and saw the same patience and compassion that had always been in her mother's eyes when she poured out her troubles when she was young, and she felt certain that she had picked the right person to confide in. Her mother would understand just as she always had and with that thought in mind she unburdened herself to her, telling her about Castle's confession in the moments after her shooting, and the lie she had been harboring.

Johanna gave her a moment to compose herself after she revealed her secret and then she softly asked her why once again.

Kate quietly explained her feelings in the aftermath of her shooting, the constant fear and how she had wondered if Castle had only said those words because he thought she was going to die. She spoke of how she felt when he allowed her to push him away so easily and how it seemed to only confirm her doubts during those dark days, but in the end she had known that he had meant what he said. She paused for a moment and then allowed even more of the story pour from her lips like a fountain. She spoke of her return after three months, his anger, their talk on the swing set and how they had resumed their friendship, and she even confessed to her about her therapy sessions with Doctor Burke and how he had been helping her overcome the past.

When she finished, she found herself being pulled into her mother's embrace as she apologized for what she had to go through and commended her for seeking out help to get herself to a better place and when she started to apologize for upending her life just when she had been making progress, Kate cut her off and told her that she preferred knowing the truth and having her back in her life.

They both took a few minutes to allow those revelations to settle and when they were calm once again and Kate had been released from her mother's embrace, Johanna asked, "What happened to bring all of this up now?"

Kate told her about how nice their evening had been going and then she dropped her gaze and said, "This is where it gets awkward."

"I had that feeling," Johanna replied, "But go on, if we survived those conversations about me, we'll survive this one about you."

"At least we hope so," Kate stated before taking a breath and giving her a scaled down explanation of where things had been heading between her and Castle the night before.

"But I stopped," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

"Why?"

"Because…he was…there was just this moment when he was looking at my scars and…the way we were…it just reminded me of the shooting and that made me think about how I had been lying to him and then I just couldn't…I just couldn't go through with it."

"So what happened?" Johanna asked.

She told her how she had put a stop to things and how she had taken refuge in the bathroom until she could get herself back under some measure of control.

"I probably looked like a skittish teenager," she said with disdain for herself.

"Was he angry with you?"

"No, he was very understanding and kind about the whole thing," she stated.

"Which only made it worse for you," Johanna said, having a feeling that Kate had left off that part of the sentence.

She nodded, "Yeah, which just goes to show how horrible I really am that I almost would've preferred him to be angry with me."

"You're not a terrible person, Katie," Johanna told her. "You're human and you make mistakes like everyone else does."

"Yeah but I always seem to make the really big ones."

"You probably get that from me," her mother stated. "Look at the mess I've made. At least you can say that you haven't erred that epically."

"That's not as comforting as you probably hoped it was," Kate remarked.

"Sorry," she replied. "What did you tell him; because I'm sure he asked why you were upset."

"I didn't really tell him anything," she answered. "I mainly let him assume that it had to do with him seeing my scars and that maybe we had rushed things when we had been taking them slow and that I wasn't quite ready yet."

"Why didn't you just tell him the truth?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I guess I'm afraid to tell him, especially now. I don't want to ruin what we have…I don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do," she said as a few more tears slipped free.

"You're going to have to tell him, Katie," Johanna told her. "He deserves the truth."

"I know," she cried, "But he'll hate me."

She shook her head, "He's not going to hate you," she told her.

"Well he's not going to be happy."

"No he isn't," Johanna agreed. "He's going to be angry and things will probably be rough for awhile, but if he loves you, like I think he does, than once he works through his feelings, I think he'll want to work things out with you and make a fresh start."

"But what if you're wrong?"

Johanna held her gaze and she hated the words she was about to utter, just as she hated them when Martha had said them to her. "Than it wasn't meant to be," she whispered.

That thought slammed into her heart and made it ache. She wanted it to be meant to be. She just wanted Castle; she wanted him to be the one.

"But I want it," she whispered. "I love him."

"I know," Johanna answered, "But it takes more than just love. You have to work at it, you have to communicate and compromise…and sometimes you have to admit when you've been wrong and suffer the consequences for it, but that doesn't mean it will be the end of things. I think the two of you are stronger than that, you just have to give each other a chance to prove it."

"I'm afraid," Kate said as she looked at her mother.

"Sometimes we have to do the things we fear the most," Johanna replied gently. "I've had to do that more times than I cared to, like this mess I have here, I was afraid to go and I was afraid to stay and then I was afraid to come back…and last night I was terrified when I looked at your father and gave him the choice to leave me."

"You told him he could leave you?" she asked in surprise.

She nodded, "I gave him two options, one option was that if he didn't want to do this anymore and thought it wasn't worth fighting for then I'd let him go if he wanted. I was afraid of what I had done, terrified that he'd take the opportunity to be done with me for good and I wouldn't have blamed him…but he choose me and we agreed that we want to be together and that we can get past this. It doesn't fix everything, we still have work to do and we know that, but it feels like we can finally put the past behind us in some respect, we can move forward…and if you want to move forward with Rick, then you're going to have to face your fear, like I had to face mine."

"I don't know how to tell him…I don't know how to do this."

"You don't have to do it today," Johanna told her, hearing the panicked urgency in her voice. "You can prepare yourself and work out the best way to tell him what you've done and why, and that you love him and want to work things out, but I wouldn't wait too long," she instructed, "You don't want to end up in the same situation you were in last night and have to explain it that kind of moment, because I don't think he's going to buy the same excuse twice."

"I know," she replied. "But it's not going to be easy."

"No, it isn't," her mother agreed, "But I'll be here for you. You can cry on my shoulder, we can stay up late eating ice cream and talking about it, and I'll listen when you just want to rant and rave when he's taking too long to come around…and I'll even throw in cupcakes if it helps."

Kate smiled as she swiped at the remaining tears on her face, "Thank you," she said as she leaned forward and embraced her.

Johanna held her tightly, "You don't have to thank me," she told her. "I'm your mother, it's what I do. I love you."

The words welled up in her throat, choking her, and she was tempted to swallow them but she didn't think it would be fair to do so. She'd already denied her for a long time, and maybe it was time to say the one thing she had spent over a decade wishing she could say to her one more time.

"I love you too," Kate said softly.

Johanna closed her eyes, allowing those words to wash over her and settle upon her heart as she squeezed her tighter. She had almost given up hope that her daughter would utter those words to her, and now that she had, it opened up a dam of emotion that she had been holding at bay in regards to Kate and she cried as she held onto her.

"We're a damn mess," Kate said several minutes later when they had each finally gotten themselves and their various emotional issues back under control.

"Yes, we are," she agreed, "But one day we'll be better."

"I hope so," Kate laughed, "Or we're going to end up being committed."

"If they haven't put us away by now, chances are they never will," Johanna said as she got up from her place, Kate following behind her as they moved into the bathroom to wash their faces. Someone knocked at the door, and Johanna went to answer it as Kate finished drying her face.

Castle was standing on the other side of the door when she opened it, a cup of coffee and a flower in his hand.

She smiled at him, "Hi, Rick."

"Is she home?" he asked.

Johanna nodded, "She'll be out in just a minute."

"You okay?" he asked taking note of the redness of her eyes, "You look like you've been crying."

"Happy tears," she told him. "My daughter loves me."

He smiled, "I could've told you that."

"But it was better to hear it from her," she stated.

His eyes widened slightly in surprise. Kate had actually told her mother that she loved her? That was…surprising, he thought to himself, not wanting to detract from Johanna's moment of happiness.

"I'm glad you got to hear that," he told her honestly.

Kate entered the room before she could reply and she felt somewhat awkward as she met Castle's gaze.

"Hey," she said quietly as her mother quietly retreated to the kitchen.

"Hey," he replied, holding out the cup for her. "I didn't get to make you coffee, so I thought I'd bring you your usual."

"Thank you," Kate told him as she accepted it and took a sip. "You didn't have to do that."

"Why would I?" he asked. "I bring you coffee almost every day."

She nodded, he was trying to make things normal for her, he was trying to show her that he really wasn't angry with her for pulling back the night before and she appreciated it, despite that part of her that wished he wasn't being so kind about it.

"And this is for your collection," he said as he held out an orange summer flower for her.

Kate smiled and thanked him and then she looked at him, another apology on the tip of her tongue and he must've sensed it, as he held up a hand silencing her just as she was about to speak.

"Don't," he told her gently. "It's okay. We'll get there one day, and I'm fine with waiting for you. You don't have to be sorry, and I don't want you to feel like you need to be. We had a nice evening together and let's not let that moment take away from it, okay?"

She nodded but that knot in her stomach tightened and she knew her mother was right; she was going to have to tell him soon. Maybe she should just get it over with now.

"Castle," she began to say, her tone wavering a bit, but before she could say anything more her phone rang, causing her to roll her eyes which made him smile.

She pulled the phone from her pocket, and seeing Esposito's name on the screen she answered it.

"What?" she asked.

"We have a lead on our middle man Shadow," he told her.

"How?" she asked.

"We'll explain when you get here."

"I'm on my way," she said and then she ended the call.

"What is it?" Castle asked.

"They guys have a lead on Shadow," she stated as she walked to the kitchen and beckoned her mother back into the living room.

"Call Dad and tell him to come back over," she instructed her. "I have to go to work."

"What's going on?" Johanna asked her, as she noticed that she was acting somewhat differently then she did when it was a routine case.

"Esposito says that they have a lead on Shadow," Kate told her.

"He's the one that was behind the hiring of the person who left the notes and the one who broke in," Johanna stated, to be clear.

"Yes, he's our middle man. If we can get him…I'll make him break and tell us who is behind this and then we can end it," Kate said, motivation and hope beginning to thrum through her.

"That would be great," Johanna said, a little flicker of hope coming alive within her as well as she grabbed her phone and went off to call Jim.

"Are we going to wait for your Dad to get here?" Castle asked as he followed behind Kate as she made the trek to her bedroom.

The fear that a sudden lead might be some type of set up made her feel cautious, despite her urge to get moving. "Yeah, well wait," she answered as she deposited her flower into the vase with the other. "For my peace of mind."

He nodded in agreement and held her coffee while she strapped on her gun and badge and shoved her cuffs into her pocket.

Twenty five minutes later, she and Castle were in the car on their way to the precinct, their relationship problem temporarily shifted to the back burner as they each hoped that a capture of Shadow would be the light at the end of the tunnel.

_Authors Note: Alright guys, just a heads up that the next chapters may take a little longer than usual as I start to unravel case details. I like to take my time with those things and make sure I get them right, so be patient and bear with me as I go into these next few chapters and don't worry, that talk Kate needs to have with Castle won't be forgotten._


	30. Chapter 30

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews. Sorry this one took so long; I'm afraid I had a bit of writers block despite knowing what I wanted for this chapter. On another note, I've received several PM's and comments regarding the fact that Kate is worried about Castle's reaction to her confessing her lie, because some of you think she already knew by that point. In my mind when I watch 'Undead Again' I interpret Kate and Rick's conversation as Kate's way of saying 'Hey, I know you're tired of waiting for me and that you're thinking of leaving me but I'm getting there, the wall is coming down, so please give me another chance'. In my mind, since Castle never actually confronted her about it, how could she really know that he had found out? I assumed that she was operating under the notion that Lanie had given her about Castle pulling away because he was tired of waiting for her. That's why I've written things the way they are. I'm sorry for any confusion and I hope that explains why I've done it this way. Now on with the story :)_

_For Lydia, Andy and Lin; because you never fail to support, encourage, and inspire me._

Chapter 30 – Collide

'_Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find that you and I collide'-Howie Day_

"What do we have?" Kate asked as she marched towards Ryan and Esposito with a determined stride, Castle trailing along behind her.

"An address," Esposito told her as he held up a yellow post it note that he had scrawled the location on.

"How?" she asked.

They hesitated for a brief second, each of them casting a glance at Castle as if he could tell them how she'd take the news that they had been hiding something from her. He gave a barely discernable shrug. He didn't know how she'd take it but he figured if they captured Shadow she wouldn't care much about the details.

"Ryan and I put the word out to a few of our most trusted contacts that we were looking for Shadow," Esposito explained.

Her brow rose, "And you didn't share this with me?"

"We didn't want to get your hopes up," Ryan told her.

She gave a curt nod; she didn't have time to worry about trivial things like that. Right now she just needed information.

"What have you learned?"

"Well Ryan had one of his guys put the word out that he wanted to work for Shadow, but he got the brush off. Shadow had it relayed to him that he had enough 'employees' and if he needed to add someone, he would seek that person out himself."

"So Shadow isn't an equal opportunity employer," Castle stated.

"Looks that way," Ryan answered.

"But one of my contacts had better luck," Esposito stated. "He found someone who has worked with Shadow before and he confirmed that Shadow is working for someone big and he's getting very rich while doing it."

"Were we able to get the name of this 'big' person who's employing Shadow?" Kate asked.

"No," Esposito told her, "But the informant says that Shadow has himself a fancy apartment at this address," he said motioning to the post it note.

"Why's this informant so chatty about his boss?" Kate asked; her suspicions on the rise.

"Because apparently their business dealings went sour," Ryan answered. "Shadow cut him out of his latest game and he didn't pay him what he owed for the last job he did."

"And there isn't anything he can do about it," Esposito added, "At least if he wants to keep living; because he made the statement that Shadow has no qualms about offing people who get in his way."

"Were you able to get Shadow's real name?" Kate questioned.

"No but we got a warrant for the address," Ryan told her. "We're good to go."

"How did you manage to track down a judge and get a warrant on a Sunday?" Castle marveled.

"As much as it pains us to admit," Esposito said, "We called Gates and had her do the tracking."

"Let's go," Kate said; snatching the note that bore Shadow's address.

Castle discreetly studied her as they stood in the elevator. She had her game face on, there was determination in her eyes and written in her body language. She was in cop mode now, the person she had been the night before and that morning was locked away. She was on a mission and he could feel the energy radiating off of her.

He silently prayed that they'd get this guy. That she'd be able to make him break once they had him in interrogation and that she'd have the answer she had been seeking; and then it would be over. Kate would be free to move on and Johanna could go home to Jim. Both of the Beckett women could have peace in their lives once again…but would it be that simple? A part of him wasn't so certain that it would be. The elevator opened and the four of them spilled out into the lobby and made quick strides towards the door.

Kate took a deep breath as she got behind the wheel of her car and inserted the key into the ignition. She cast a glance at her partner. "Maybe this is it," she said quietly; as if speaking the words in a normal tone would jinx it.

"Maybe," he agreed; but there was that feeling building in his gut that this was far from over.

The drive was quiet as she concentrated on the task that was before her and when they arrived; the four of them moved in their practiced orchestration through the upscale apartment building and found their way to Shadow's door. Their knocks and demands to open the door went unanswered, and Kate gestured for Esposito to kick it open. They entered the apartment and froze momentarily at the sight on the living room. The room was trashed and there was a body on the floor.

Ryan and Esposito recovered from the sight of the body and moved swiftly through the rest of the apartment making sure it was clear. When they finished they retreated back to the living room and joined Castle and Beckett as they stood over the body.

"He matches the description we have of Shadow," Kate stated quietly as she looked over the body of a tall, brown haired man, who had a diamond pinky ring on his finger.

"Looks like the same M.O. as the others," Ryan stated as he observed the bullet hole in the center of Shadow's forehead.

"Not exactly," Kate said as she examined the body and then the room. "Looks like there was a struggle."

"So what is this?" Castle asked. "They sent a new middle man to kill the old one?"

"Looks like they either left the murder weapon behind or they used his own gun to do him in," Esposito stated as he took note of the gun lying by the body.

"Did you call it in?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah," Kate answered. "Lanie's on her way and so is CSU."

"What do you want to do?" Esposito asked. "Do you want to wait for CSU before we start searching?"

Kate raked a hand through her hair, "Check his pockets for an ID and then start with the other rooms. We'll leave the living room alone until CSU gets here."

They all pulled out their blue gloves and pulled them on. Ryan went through the dead man's pockets and came up with a wallet. He flipped it open, "Our victim is Mark Samuel Preston, age 46," he announced as he handed the wallet over to Beckett.

She nodded and waved them off to begin the search as she flipped open the wallet to search herself.

"Anything?" Castle asked.

"Cash, and credit cards," she answered and then she pulled out a work ID. "Looks like our guy here works at a security firm," she said as she read the card before putting it back in the wallet.

"More like 'worked'," Castle replied as he glanced at the body.

"Yeah," she agreed, pushing her hair back once more, in what he knew was a move born of agitation.

He gently grasped her arm and tugged her away from the body.

"Kate…," he began to say.

"I'm fine, Castle," she stated, because she knew what he had been about to say.

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he asked.

She met his gaze, "No, but you could pretend that you do for now."

"It'll be okay."

Kate scoffed, "No it's not. How can anything about this be okay?" she ranted. "They just jumped in front of us again. Every damn time I think we're getting somewhere, they somehow get ahead of us and I don't know how!"

He stayed quiet, allowing her to vent and pace the floor in front of him and then he caught a hold of her arm and pulled her against him, wrapping her in his embrace while the boys were still out of sight.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No," Castle told her. "You don't need to be sorry, Get it out so it'll be easier for you to focus on what our next move needs to be."

She allowed herself to indulge in the comfort of his arms for a few more moments before she pulled away. She released a heavy sigh, "For now, we wait on Lanie and CSU," she replied, "And then open up the play book to our usual game plan."

He looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled slightly, "In that case I better start thinking up a theory for you."

She knew what he was trying to do and she appreciated it. "The more outlandish the better," Kate told him with a small smile.

Castle nodded, "Just for you, I'll come up with something about time traveling alien CIA operatives."

Kate gave a soft short laugh before catching his eye, "Thanks, Rick."

"Always," he told her.

* * *

A half hour later the apartment was swarming with CSU and Lanie was examining the body on the floor.

"What can you tell me, Lanie?" Kate asked.

"You can probably already tell that there was a struggle," Lanie remarked and when Kate nodded, she continued on. "He has trauma to the left side of his head, see the gash at his temple?"

"Yes," Kate answered. "What are you thinking?"

"I think that when he was fighting with his assailant, he fell and cracked his head against the edge of the coffee table," she said as she gestured with her pen to the blood visible on the edge of the stand. "By looking at the coloration of the bruise and the location, I'd say it most likely rendered him unconscious."

"You're saying he was unconscious when he was shot?" Kate questioned.

Lanie nodded, "I think it's a safe probability. That's why he's still positioned as he would have been when he hit the coffee table. As for the gunshot, it appears to be the same size and location as the other vics with this M.O. but I'll let you know for sure after I get him back to the lab."

"What's our window for time of death?"

"For now I'm putting it between 11:30 and 1 this morning. If I can narrow it down for you, I'll let you know."

"Thanks, Lanie," Kate said as she rose from the spot where she had been crouched next to her friend.

"You okay?" Lanie asked her.

"I'm fine."

Her friend regarded her with a 'yeah right' look and Kate sighed. "I already had this discussion with Castle."

The M.E. smiled, "And just where did writer boy run off to?"

"I asked him to go call and check on my mother for me," Kate answered.

"Why didn't you call?"

Kate shifted on her feet. She couldn't call Johanna because if she did she'd have to tell her what was going on and she just couldn't do that right now. She had to keep her focus and breaking this new development to her mother would rob her of that. "I just can't talk to her right now," she stated.

Lanie eyed her, "Why?"

"Because I can't break this to her right now," Kate told her firmly. "I have work to do. I'll tell her when I get home."

Lanie nodded; she knew when to take a step back. "I'll call you when I know more about your middle man."

"Thanks."

The M.E. gave her a sympathetic smile and finished up her work.

Castle re-entered the apartment just as Lanie was leaving and he moved to Kate's side as she went through papers that were in a drawer.

"How is she?" she asked.

"She's fine."

"Did you tell her anything?"

"No," he replied, "And I think that made her nervous. She kept asking me if you were okay."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her you were fine but you were busy and that's why I was calling instead of you and that we'd check in again later."

Kate didn't get a chance to respond to his statement as Ryan entered the room, carrying a small metal box.

"What do you have?" she asked him.

"A box of burner cells," he answered. "We'll see if any of them match any of the numbers in the phone records of Hayes, Sanchez and Lancaster."

"Take a look at this," Esposito said as he joined them in the room, a rifle in his hand. "Found this in the closet, it's the same type that would've been used to take that shot at your mom back when this first started."

"Anything else?" Kate inquired.

"We found a laptop," Esposito replied. "We'll turn it over to the techs."

"What about a cell phone?" Castle questioned. "I'm sure he most likely would've had a regular cell phone for his more legitimate business, like work, friends, and family."

"If he had one," Ryan said, "It isn't here. We'll have to look into it."

"Anything that might tell us who his boss is?" Kate asked; even though she knew it was a long shot.

"Not yet, but we've gathered up all the papers and disk drives," Ryan told her. "If there's something there, we'll find it."

Kate pushed her hair back from her face, "Alright, Ryan, you finish up searching in here and then go see about security cameras in the building and the elevator. If we're lucky, we'll find an image of our new middle man. Espo, Lanie puts our time of death window between 11:30 and 1, let's start knocking on doors and see if anyone saw or heard anything. We'll meet back here."

An hour later they were all congregated back in Shadow's apartment. "Any luck?" Kate asked Esposito.

"The woman down the hall said she heard what she thought was a car back firing a little after midnight," he told her. "What about you, did you have any luck?"

"We found a resident who said he saw a man getting onto the elevator last night sometime between 11:30 and 12," Kate stated.

"He also said that he wasn't someone who lived here," Castle added.

"But he didn't get a good look at his face," Kate continued. "He said the guy was of medium build and dressed in black jeans and a black sweatshirt with the hood up. Ryan, did you find out about security footage?"

"They have cameras at the entrance and in the elevators. They're pulling the tapes and we'll have them this afternoon," he told her, "But I found something else as I went through the apartment."

"What?"

"These," he said, producing an evidence bag that held several photographs. Kate put her gloves back on and pulled the photos from the bag. Most of them were of her, outside the precinct and outside of her building. Others were of her and Johanna from a few occasions when they had gone out. She paused at the last few photographs in the pile and studied them."

"Those are from the morning of your 'accident'," Ryan provided.

"He was watching," Castle said quietly as he looked over her shoulder.

"Guess he didn't want to miss the show," Kate stated before she shoved the photos back in the bag and gave them back to Ryan.

After a moment of silence as they awaited her next order, Kate took a breath and said, "Alright, I think we're done here. Let's go back to the precinct and see what we can learn about Shadow now that we know his real name.

* * *

"Mark Samuel Preston, age 46," Kate stated as she smacked a photo against the white board. She paused for a brief moment before adding, "Former member of the NYPD."

"Another cop?" Castle said as he and the boys watched her writing the information on the board.

She nodded. "After a stint in the military, Preston graduated from the academy and joined the force. He was thrown off after 5 years for everything from excessive force to accepting bribes."

"Do we know if there's a connection between him and Raglan or McAllister?" Castle asked. "I don't remember seeing his name mentioned in any of the reports we've been through."

"Preston was at a different precinct," Kate stated. "If their paths crossed on the job, we haven't found a record of it yet. We also have never heard him being mentioned in a social sense in either of the other cops lives, so for now, until something comes along to prove otherwise, it appears that there is no connection between them."

"He worked at a Private security firm uptown," Esposito stated as he read from a file that was in his hand.

"What do we know about this firm?" Beckett asked.

"It's one of those upscale security firms," Esposito told her. "They cater to high society, celebrities, politicians, diplomats, any one in that vein."

"What all services do they offer?"

"They run security systems, but most of their money is made in providing bodyguards and security teams for those who feel they need to be protected…or just for the prestige of thinking they're important enough to require a guard. They prefer hiring guys like Preston who have military and police backgrounds and if they have a few marks against them for excessive force or brutality that's even better; apparently that makes their clients feel 'safer'," Esposito explained.

"That explains how Shadow most likely met his employer," Castle commented.

Kate nodded, "Yeah, and now we have to figure out which one of his big wig clients became his boss."

Castle smiled at her, "Does that mean field trip?" he asked; hoping to lighten her mood a bit.

A hint of a smile touched her lips, "You know me so well, Castle."

"Question is," Ryan said, "Will you be able to find someone in management to talk to on a Sunday?"

"Oh I'll find someone," Kate stated as she snatched her keys off the desk. "One way or another. You guys keep digging into Shadow's life. I want to know where he went, what he did. I want to know his family, his friends, and girlfriends. If it comes down to it, find out who he went to kindergarten with."

Esposito grinned, "You got it."

"Let's go, Castle."

* * *

When Castle and Beckett arrived at the private security firm that Mark Preston had worked for, they were informed that the owner, Martin Passarelli, wasn't in. Beckett issued her demand that he be called and told to meet them there. They waited for forty-five minutes before the owner finally arrived and then they were led into his posh looking office on the top floor of the building.

"What can I do for you, Detective Beckett?" Passarelli asked once they were all seated.

Beckett explained that Mark Preston had been murdered and that she was now in the process of investigating his death. They briefly discussed Preston's employment with the firm, Passarelli singing his praises as one of the best he had in the way of security guards, and then she got down to the task at hand.

"I'm going to need a list of any of your employees that he worked closely with and I'm also going to need a list of clients that Mr. Preston worked for," she stated.

"I'll have the list of employees for you by tomorrow," Passarelli said.

"And the clients," Castle reminded him.

Passarelli smirked, "I'm afraid I can't give you that."

"Why not?" Beckett asked.

Passarelli sat forward in his chair, folding his hands on top of his desk. "A large portion of my clients are high profile public figures who cherish their privacy, Detective, and that is something that my firm strives to provide. I'm sure you can understand," he said condescendingly.

"I'm not asking for the list so that I can publish it on Page 6, Mr. Passarelli," Kate stated tartly. "I'm investigating the murder of one of your employees, surely _you_ can understand _that_."

He gave a short laugh, "Surely you don't really believe that one of my clients is in any way responsible for Mark's death."

Beckett eyed him, her features void of amusement, "We can't rule anything out, Mr. Passarelli, and I would appreciate your cooperation."

"I'm sorry, Detective," he replied flippantly. "If you want a list of my clients then you're going to have to have a warrant…and I really don't see that happening."

She met his gaze with a steely one of her own, "I guess we'll see about that," she stated before rising from her chair.

He smirked at her, his expression conveying the amusement he was feeling in regards to the situation. "I guess we will."

They were silent until they made it outside the building. "Well he was a ray of sunshine," Castle stated as they walked towards the car.

"They always are," Kate replied. "We'll see how amused he is when I slap a warrant in his face."

"Do you really think you're going to be able to get one?" Castle inquired as he settled into the passenger seat. "You know how judges are about doing anything that deals with the identities of high profile people…like themselves in some cases."

Kate shoved the key into the ignition, "I'm sure as hell going to try," she told him. "And if I don't get one on the first try, I'll keep trying until I find a judge who will sign it."

"Maybe Ryan and Esposito have had better luck," Castle said.

"Let's hope so," she said as she pulled out into traffic.

* * *

Jim had spent the better part of the day watching his wife flit around the apartment in a cleaning frenzy that was obviously born from nervous agitation.

"Jo," he said as he managed to snag the pocket of her jeans as she walked by. "Sit down, you're making me dizzy."

"Sorry," she said as she paced a bit before sitting down next to him on the sofa. "I thought she would've called by now."

"She's fine," he assured. "Rick called a while ago."

"And he said very little," Johanna reminded him. "Which is unlike him."

"That doesn't mean that anything is wrong. They've probably found the guy and Katie's probably trying to drag out of him who's behind this. She probably told Rick not to say much. She'll want to tell you herself," Jim replied.

She nodded in agreement and then after a moment she looked at him with hope in her eyes, "Maybe this is finally going to be over."

"That would be nice," he agreed; but deep inside, he wasn't holding out much hope. He couldn't help but be skeptical; this case was nothing but a long string of complications and all of them kept the mastermind of it masked. It wasn't going to be over easily with the capture of the middle man but as he looked into the eyes of his wife, he couldn't bring himself to voice those opinions aloud. It probably didn't need to be said anyway, he figured. He was sure that somewhere within her, Johanna was skeptical too…but she had hope, and hope was what she needed. He couldn't take that away from her.

"It would be nice if I was home for our anniversary," Johanna said softly, a small smile on her lips.

He smiled and put his arm around her, tugging her against his side. "There's nothing I'd like more," he told her as he pressed a kiss against her temple.

He could still feel the nervous tension in her body and her foot was tapping against the floor in an almost constant rhythm as she toyed with her rings. She needed to be distracted, he thought to himself, and he figured the topic of their anniversary was just the thing for her.

"35 years," he said, catching her attention and bringing her focus back to his face. "Did you ever think we'd make it that far?"

Johanna laughed, "Of course I did. I went into this marriage intending on making it last for 50 years or more. Your mother, on the other hand, only gave us six months."

"I remember," he chuckled. "And when Dad threw it up in her face when we hit a year, she claimed it was beginners luck and said we wouldn't make it to the second anniversary."

"By the second anniversary I was pregnant with Katie," she laughed. "She adjusted her assessment to five years then."

"I still can't believe that you called her up on our 10th anniversary to gloat," Jim remarked in amusement.

"I figured that I had earned it," Johanna replied. "I still remember her telling me not be a smart ass because ten years was nothing to brag about and that I should call back when we hit twenty and then maybe she'd be impressed."

Jim smiled at the memory of his mother, "I think she hung on those last few weeks so she wouldn't disappoint you. She knew our 20th anniversary was coming."

Johanna nodded and took his hand. Her mind flashed back to the morning of their 20th anniversary. She had made the trip to Elizabeth's hospital room to make her usual boast about her marriage making it another year, because she had known that Elizabeth would expect it of her. There had been a hollow feeling deep within her as she and her mother-in-law went through the motions of their yearly conversation, and at its conclusion, the old woman surprised her by taking her hand and looking her in the eye. _"Take care of him, Johanna," _Elizabeth Beckett had whispered to her. She had promised that she would…another promise that she had been forced to break. She shook that thought away, she was here now, she could get back to work on keeping that promise.

"Elizabeth and I had our issues," she said quietly, "And for the most part, we didn't care much for each other…and it probably sounds crazy, but every once in awhile I miss her."

He squeezed her hand, "That doesn't sound crazy at all," he replied. "The two of you enjoyed sparring with each other. It gave you each a challenge and even though I'm sure you'll deny it and she would too if she was here, I believe that deep down there was no real animosity."

"I don't deny that I didn't _hate _her," Johanna replied. "I mean, we managed to have a few good moments through the years…but with that said, she did spend a lot of time trying to make my life unpleasant."

"Think of it this way," Jim laughed, "When she was making life hell for you, you were giving her joy."

She laughed, "That was my contribution to your family."

"We appreciated it," he replied.

She was quiet for a moment and then she angled her head to look at him. "I don't know what to get you for our anniversary."

"Nothing," he answered seriously. "You're here with me and we're going to get to celebrate it together and that's all I've been wanting for a long time. There's no better gift than you."

She smiled at him, "That's sweet," she whispered. "But I'd still like to be able to give you something…I haven't gotten to in a long time."

Jim thought over the situation while he rubbed his fingers across her hand that he still had a hold of. He hadn't lied to her, she was all the gift he needed but he understood her desire to be able to give him something, after all, there was a small blue box for her locked away in the drawer at home. It was their 35th anniversary, a milestone, and that was coupled with the fact that it would be the first they would get to celebrate together after their long separation. She wanted it to be special and so did he.

"I'll tell you what you can do," he told her as a thought occurred to him.

"What?"

"You can sit down and you can make me a list of all the things you want to do when this is over. You make a list of all the places you want to go, the things you want to see, everything that you want us to do together and you give it to me on our anniversary. I'll put it somewhere safe and when you come home, we'll start working on checking things off."

Her eyes filled with tears but she held them back as she smiled at him. "That's what you want?"

Jim nodded, "That's what I want. I want Johanna's dream list…and I'll do my best to make them come true just like I always promised you."

"I love you," she told him before kissing him tenderly.

"I love you too," he replied, "And no matter where you are, whether it be at home or here with Katie, I'll find a way for us to have a good anniversary."

"As long as I'm with you, the details don't matter," Johanna replied. "You're all I need."

He gave her a smile and pressed a kiss against her hair, allowing a comfortable silence settle over them. A list didn't see like much to give him, she couldn't help thinking but if that was what he wanted, she would do it. She already knew what number one was going to be, and the other dreams that had been stored away in the back of her mind filtered through her thoughts. She still wanted to give him more though, something special…and then a thought came to mind and she smiled. She knew what she could give him with her dream list.

* * *

"Any luck with the employer?" Ryan asked when Castle and Beckett returned to the bullpen.

"He's not giving us any client lists without a warrant," Kate answered. "I'll put in a request first thing in the morning. Have you guys come up with anything?"

"The security tapes came in while you were gone," Ryan told them, gesturing them towards the room where the video equipment was set up. Once they were in the room, Ryan played the tape.

"The man that was described to you," he began, freezing the recording on the image of a black clad figure, "Got on the elevator at 11:45 last night."

"Is he the only person that gets on the elevator during our time frame?" Kate asked.

"The only suspicious one," Ryan remarked. "Watch what he does," he said as he played the tape again.

She studied the video and then looked to Ryan. "He keeps his hands hidden," she stated. "His sleeve is pulled down over the hand that's pushing the button and the other one is in his pocket."

"Not exactly normal behavior," Ryan said. "The camera angle also allows us to see that the button he pushed was for Shadow's floor."

"We can't see his face," Castle commented.

"He knows the camera is there," Kate said. "That's why he has the hood of his sweatshirt up and is keeping his back turned. Do we see him getting back on the elevator?"

"Yes," Ryan replied. "Our new mystery man gets back on the elevator at 12:15," he said as he hit a few keys and brought up that piece of footage. "Again, he keeps his face shielded from the camera, and his hands in his pockets…except for the brief second when he pushes the button."

"He didn't use his sleeve that time," Beckett commented as she stepped closer to the screen.

"He has on a glove," Castle stated as he studied the image with her.

"What about the cameras at the entrance of the building?" Kate asked Ryan. "Do we get a better look at him there?"

"Nope," the Detective told her. "He keeps his head down, and turned away from the camera."

"So either he checked out the building prior to his visit," Beckett said, "Or he knew Shadow well enough that he was already familiar with the building. Have we been able to reach any of his family?"

"We're still trying to reach his father and step-mother," Ryan stated. "His sister is supposed to come in later today. The ex-wife is on vacation, she's due back in a few days."

They stepped back into the bull pen and Esposito waved her over.

"What do you have?"

"While running financials for Preston, I have found that he was paying a cell phone bill every month."

"Can we trace it?" Kate asked.

"I contacted the service provider; the phone's GPS was turned off last night at 12:19."

"So the new middle man lifted the phone," Castle stated. "There must've been something on it that incriminated Shadow's employer."

"Or the person sent to kill him," Beckett added. "And he knew we'd try to trace the phone when we found out about it so he turned the GPS off once he got outside the building."

Esposito nodded, "Looks that way."

"There must've been

"Did you find anything else interesting in his financials?" Kate questioned.

"He has two different accounts," Esposito told her. "The first one seems to be where his pay check goes and where he conducts the usual business of bill paying. Nothing unusual there. The second account is a different story."

"What's in the second account?" Castle asked.

"Let's just say that Shadow was a very wealthy man," Esposito told him. "This second account is a constant stream of payments from various bank accounts, none of which are traceable, of course. It looks like he probably had more than one employer, but these ten thousand dollar payments here," he said; pointing at the lines he had highlighted, start coming in at the same time your mom popped up on the radar."

"How did they know she was back?" she wondered aloud.

"I don't know," the Detective answered. "But how ever it was, they found out quickly. I'm going to see how far back I can go and see if any payments pop up in his account that coincides with earlier events pertaining to this case."

"Can we get his phone records?" Castle asked.

"We'll have them tomorrow."

"Any word from CSU or ballistics?" Beckett inquired.

"We'll have the reports from both in the morning," Ryan told her. "And we checked out the cache of burner cells. Three of them matched numbers that were calling Hayes Sanchez and Lancaster."

"Good work, guys," she told them. "Let's keep digging. I want to know more about his time on the police force. Let's make sure we haven't missed something that will connect him to Raglan and McAllister."

They all set about their tasks and the rest of the afternoon drug by slowly as they tried to form a picture of what Shadow's life had been. Lanie called and told Beckett that the bullet that had been in Preston's forehead was the same caliber that had been used on Hayes and Lancaster. The sister of Mark Preston arrived shortly before 5 and Kate and Castle met with her in one the rooms reserved for speaking to the families of victims.

After the standard procedure of informing Cynthia Preston Blackston of the details of her brother's demise and assuring her that they were going to do everything possible to catch the person responsible; Beckett set about questioning her about her brother's life.

"Mrs. Blackston, do you know anyone who would've wanted to harm your brother?" Beckett asked.

The woman shook her head, "Not to my knowledge."

"Can you tell me if there was anyone he was close to that he had been having problems with lately?"

"Detective, I'm afraid I can't be much help to you in telling you who was in Mark's life. I haven't spoken to him in over five years," Cynthia Preston explained.

"Why not?" Castle asked.

Cynthia shifted her focus to him for a moment, "Mark and I didn't always get along, and when his ex-wife left, I sided with her when it came to their two kids. I guess he considered it a betrayal, but he was never interested in the kids and when Brianna moved them across country, he cut off contact completely with them."

"What about other relatives?" Kate asked. "Any friends you recall him having from the military or school? Anything like that?"

Cynthia thought for a few moments, "I'm sorry, but I can't think of anyone right now. It's been a long time and Mark never was the type of person who had a lot of friends or allowed anyone to get to close."

Kate nodded and took her card from her pocket, "I understand," she told her, "But if you would happen to think of anyone, even if it seems insignificant, I'd appreciate it if you would call and let me know."

Cynthia accepted the card, "I will," she told her. "This is all such a shock, maybe I'm not thinking clearly."

Kate gave her a sympathetic smile and assured her once again that she understood and then she wrapped up the meeting and she and Castle went back to the bullpen to tell the boys that they hadn't learned anything useful from the sister. They worked for awhile longer, trying desperately to find something that would give them a lead but by 6:30, they were at a standstill and slightly frustrated. Kate told Ryan and Esposito to go home, that they'd start over fresh the next morning when the reports from ballistics and CSU were in. The boys said their goodbyes and retreated for the night.

When Kate remained seated at her desk after Ryan and Esposito's departure, Castle caught her eye and said, "You ready to call it a night?"

"Yeah," Kate said but she still made no move to vacate her chair.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just dreading that I have to tell her this," she answered quietly. "She's probably been sitting there all day thinking that I'm making progress at ending this for us…and now I have to go home and tell her that we're no better off then before."

"Kate," he said gently, "Your mother is a smart woman, I'm sure she's considered the thought that this might turn out like the other leads. And then there is the fact that you haven't talked to her all day…I'm sure that's probably tipped her off that the news might not be good."

She gave a weary smile, "But that's the thing about my mother, Castle. Even when she knows all of the possible outcomes, she still manages to find a flicker of hope to hang on to."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Castle said, "But still, I'm sure despite that hope, she has her doubts."

"Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to go home and prove her doubts correct…to put out that flicker of hope. I feel like I'm letting her down."

"There's always hope, Kate," he replied. "We still have reports from ballistics and CSU to wait on. We still have people to talk to and areas to work with. There's still the chance of a breakthrough. You're not letting her down, and I'm sure she'd tell you the same thing…right after smacking you for even suggesting it."

She gave a small smile at the remark and nodded but the confidence she had been feeling earlier in the day was fading quickly as night set in.

"Do you want me to tell her?" he offered.

"No," she answered as she felt the weight of the world pressing against her shoulders. "But if you don't have anything else to do…I wouldn't mind if you came home with me for awhile."

"I'm all yours," he said with a teasing grin, hoping to make her smile again.

Another smile curved her lips upward and she took his hand and squeezed it in gratitude, before her conscience reared up and reminded her that she still had some news to break to him as well.

"Come on," Castle said as he rose from his chair and tugged on her hand. "Let's go home."

She stood and snatched her keys off of the desk and looked at them for a moment before shifting her gaze back to his face. "Do you want to drive tonight?" she asked tiredly.

His eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up in surprise, "Oh my god," he said dramatically. "A miracle has just occurred."

Kate laughed softly, "Are you driving or not, Castle?"

He snatched the keys from her hand, "Of course I am. This is probably one of those once in a lifetime opportunities."

* * *

Jim took one look at Kate's face when she entered the apartment and knew that this mess was far from over. Of course he had had that feeling all day, and he knew that it had been settling into Johanna's mind as well as each phone that came in was from Rick instead of their daughter. He gave her a small smile of understanding as she faced him and she sighed and asked, "Where is she?"

"In the kitchen, spending quality time with your mixing bowl," Jim told her.

Kate nodded, her mother was baking, a sure sign that she had already accepted the fact that any doubts she was harboring were most likely true. She stood there for a moment and then forced her feet to carry her in the direction of the kitchen, leaving Castle behind with her father.

Jim regarded the writer as he settled into a chair. "I have a feeling that I know how this went down," he stated, "But do you want to fill me in on the details so Katie doesn't have to go through it twice?"

Castle nodded, "I can do that."

* * *

Kate entered the kitchen and stood by quietly for a moment, observing her mother as she mixed up the batter she had in the bowl.

"What are you making?" she asked softly.

"Cake," Johanna answered.

"What kind?"

"Lemon," her mother replied. "The kind that you put a little lemon-lime soda in."

"That sounds good," Kate said. "I can't remember the last time I had that."

Her mother gave her a hint of a smile, "It's always been my favorite kind to have in the summertime."

The air felt heavy between them as Johanna poured her batter into the cake pan and then placed it into the over and set the timer. She turned to face her daughter, knowing that the news was going to be bad and she mentally prepared herself for it.

"Did he get away?" Johanna asked quietly.

Kate held her gaze, "He was dead when we got there."

"Like the others?" her mother questioned.

She nodded, "Yeah."

"Were you able to find anything?" Johanna inquired.

Kate told her what they had learned so far about Shadow and that they still had angles to work the next day.

"I'm sorry," she told her mother when she was finished explaining everything.

"For what?" Johanna asked.

"That I don't have better news to give you."

"That's not your fault," Johanna told her as she walked towards her and pulled her into an embrace.

"I wanted it to be different this time," Kate whispered as she hung on to her for a moment.

"I know," her mother said. "We all did, but sometimes things don't work out the way we hoped. You'll get him when the time is right."

"It would be nice if that was sometime soon," Kate replied as she stepped out of her mother's arms.

Johanna looked at her, "I can't deny hoping for the same thing," she told her. "But life never delivers something we can't handle."

Her daughter smirked, "It just feels that way sometimes."

Johanna smiled, "That part of the phrase is supposed to remain unspoken."

"I always knew that you were leaving something out of that saying," Kate quipped.

"Now you know the truth," Johanna teased lightly.

They shared a look for a long moment as the implications of the days events settled over them. They were growing tired under the constant strain of the case, the seemingly endless journey that stretched out in front of them. They were strong and they could fight the battle, but there were moments when they wondered if it was a battle they would win…if their strength would hold out…if it would ever really be over. It was a burden, a full load to carry, nooses that seemed to tighten around their necks at regular intervals.

Johanna knew that where optimism was concerned, Kate took after Jim. It was always her job to be the optimistic one, just like her own mother had always been. She sighed softly, it wasn't always easy to uphold that job, especially when she felt just as discouraged as her daughter obviously felt; but as she looked at Kate's face she knew she had to say something to offer a measure of hope.

"Maybe something will turn up tomorrow," Johanna said.

"Maybe," Kate agreed.

"It became quiet again, as neither one of them knew what to say in the face of this latest obstacle. They could hear the murmurings of Jim and Castle's voices in the living room and Johanna caught Kate's eye and smiled.

"I had a feeling that Rick would come home with you."

"Why?"

"Because after about the third time he called instead of you, I knew something was wrong…and he was trying too hard to act as if it wasn't."

"I'm sorry,' Kate told her. "I shouldn't have avoided you all day but…."

"It's alright, Katie," Johanna said. "I understand. You needed to keep a certain amount of distance so you could keep your focus."

She nodded as her gaze dropped away for a moment before coming back to her mother's face. "That still doesn't tell me why you thought he'd come home with me."

Her mother smiled, "Because I know he likes to make sure you're okay on bad days…and he knew that you were going to have to come home and talk about the case."

"Yeah, well," Kate said before pausing for a moment. "I asked him to come with me."

Johanna regarded her for a moment, studying the look on Kate's face and in her eyes. "So you're thinking of having that conversation?" she asked; keeping her tone quiet to avoid being overheard.

"It wasn't my intention when I asked him," Kate replied. "I don't really know if this is the right time."

"I'm not trying to pressure you, Katie," her mother said, "But you can't keep waiting for the stars to align in a way that suits you…if you do that, you'll never find the right time."

"I know," she answered with a hint of exasperation. "It's just that I don't know if I should do this tonight."

"That decision is up to you," Johanna said, "But I think you'll feel better once you get it over with. It'll be one less thing weighing you down."

She scoffed mildly, "Or I could end up feeling worse if it blows up in my face."

"I can't tell you that that won't happen," her mother replied, "But when you do broach the subject, maybe you should try to think positively about the outcome."

"Easier said than done," Kate replied.

Johanna laughed softly, "I'm only giving you advice, Katie. You can choose to ignore it."

She grinned at her mother, "It wouldn't be the first time."

Johanna narrowed her eyes at her, "That's true, but let's remember the outcome of some of those occasions."

"What outcome?" Kate asked; pretending as if she didn't have a clue about what her mother was talking about.

"Oh I think you know," Johanna said with a grin of her own. "Those times when you didn't listen and I ended up being right and I had to say those four words that you hated so very much."

Kate rolled her eyes, "I told you so," she said, mimicking her mother's voice.

Johanna narrowed her eyes at her playfully, "You just wait," she told her. "You'll find out."

"Find out what?"

"What it's like to be a mother," Johanna replied, "And I'm going to laugh when you do."

Kate chuckled, "I take it that you're looking forward to it."

"Most definitely," Johanna said with a nod, "And just so you know, the day you call and tell me you're pregnant will be the day I start praying that you get a girl…just like you or worse, and I'm going to keep praying for it clear up until they wheel you into the delivery room."

"Oh I get it," Kate said, "You want me to have a daughter as some sort of punishment, right?"

Johanna smiled, "Well my mother wished it on me so I figure it's only fair that I get to wish it on you."

Kate smirked at her, "You just want a granddaughter that you can dress up and spoil rotten while telling her that 'grandma's don't have to say no like mommies do'."

"That too," Johanna agreed, "And I already know that she'll be beautiful."

"Oh wow," Kate laughed, "You must think about this a lot. You already have an image of her in mind?"

"Well history has shown that in this family, daughters tend to favor their mother's so I'm sure that your little girl will look like you. That's a guarantee of beauty."

"I don't know," Kate said, "I think you're more of a blend of both of your parents."

"I am not," Johanna stated. "I look like my mother."

"In some ways you do," she agreed, "But I see some of your dad in your features too."

"No you don't!" her mother protested.

Kate laughed, "Yes I do. There's nothing wrong with looking like both of your parents. You're still pretty."

"I do not look like my father in any way," her mother stated firmly.

"Okay, I take it back," Kate said, raising a hand in surrender. "You look like Grandma and no one else."

"That's right."

Kate bit back a laugh, ""I do have one question though."

"What?"

"Where do we get the green eyes from? Neither of your parents had them."

"It must come from the McKenzie's," Johanna answered. "My father's sister had green eyes."

"And what color do you think my kid will have?"

Her mother smirked, "Oh I figure they'll be green…or blue."

"Mother," Kate stated, knowing just what that comment implied.

"What?" she said with a shrug, "She can get blue eyes from someone other than Rick. Your father has blue eyes, so did his father."

"Don't act innocent," Kate told her. "I know what you were getting at with that remark."

Johanna laughed, "I'm not admitting to anything."

"Do you have a name picked out for her?" Kate asked. "I mean you already have everything else worked out."

"No," her mother replied, "I haven't thought of a name but I can make you a list of names I like if you want."

She laughed, "Why don't I just save you the time and name her after you."

"That's a sweet thought," Johanna said, "But you don't want to stick a name like mine on her…she'd probably end up hating me. We'll think of something cute for her."

"I can't even believe we're having this discussion," Kate said with a shake of her head.

"What discussion?" Jim asked as he and Castle entered the kitchen.

"We're considering names for Katie's baby," Johanna stated.

Jim and Castle looked stunned at the statement and the ladies burst into laughter.

"Baby? Did I miss something?" Jim asked as he shifted his gaze to Castle.

"Don't look at me," Castle said. "I didn't do it."

Kate and Johanna were still laughing as the men looked at them. "Are they having some kind of breakdown?" Jim asked as he looked back at Rick.

"I think it's possible," Castle answered.

Kate got her laughter under control, "We're not having a breakdown," she told them, "And no one's pregnant…unless it's her," she laughed, pointing a finger at her mother.

"Oh hell no," Johanna said. "That ship has sailed."

"I certainly hope so," Jim said. "I'd hate to have to start all over at this age."

Johanna laughed, "You don't have to worry."

"What's the matter Dad, don't you want another baby?" Kate teased.

He grinned at her, "I'm content with the one we had."

"What about you, Rick?" Johanna asked. "Do you want more kids?"

Kate shot her a look and Johanna had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

"I wouldn't mind it," Castle answered. "That is if they're with the right person."

The timer on the stove went off, distracting Johanna and Kate breathed a sigh of relief. God only knew what her mother would've said to that response.

* * *

They all settled around the table making small talk and eating the cake, but after awhile, the lightness that Kate and Johanna had been feeling, wore off, leaving them slightly tense as their various burdens and thoughts weighed them done. It was late when Jim decided that he should go. He didn't really want to, but he felt as though his presence made Kate feel uneasy when she'd had a disappointment in dealing with her mother's case and he knew that was because of that moment early on when he had let his fears get the best of him and he had taken his feelings out on her. He said goodbye to Rick and he hugged his daughter and tried to reassure her without words that he knew she was doing her best, and then he headed for the living room with Johanna following behind him.

Once at the door, Johanna unlocked it and twisted the door knob.

"In a hurry to get rid of me?" Jim asked lightly.

"No," she laughed softly. "Let's go out in the hallway."

"What about…"

"Don't worry about it," Johanna said, cutting him off. "I'll let the door open a bit."

He nodded and they stepped outside into the hallway and as promised, Johanna left the door slightly ajar. They shared a look for a long moment and then Jim quietly asked, "Are you okay?"

She released a breath and shifted on her feet for a moment before looking at him, "I'm fine."

Jim looked at her knowingly as his hands settled on her waist and pulled her closer, "Jo," he said, allowing that one word to say it all.

She smiled sadly, "What do you want me to say?" she asked.

"The truth," he answered.

She sighed as she raised her hands from her sides and brought them to rest on his arms for a moment before she allowed them to move upwards to his shoulders, settling there for a second before she gave in and wrapped her arms around him. She breathed in his scent and allowed the memory of the night before to wash over her. How she wished that she could go home with him and have another one of those nights. Despite her optimism and lightness with Katie, she couldn't help but feel like she might never make it all the way home.

"It's disappointing," she finally said; knowing that he was waiting for an answer. "But not totally unexpected."

"Everything will be alright," he told her as he gently pulled back from her enough to be able to see her face.

Johanna forced a smile to her lips, "I know."

"Do you want me to stay?" Jim asked.

"Yes," she whispered, "But you should go anyway."

"Why?"

"Because they have an issue to work out," she said with a nod towards the occupants of the apartment, "And it's bad enough that I can't leave entirely."

"They don't seem like they have an issue," Jim said.

"Believe me," Johanna told him. "They do."

"How bad is it?" he asked.

"Only time will tell."

"I take it that you know what it is," Jim stated.

"I have a feeling that you probably know too," she replied. "You did tell me once that she had a secret from him."

He nodded in remembrance, "So that's all coming out, is it?"

"If she can get up the nerve to go through with it," Johanna answered.

"Call if you need me," Jim told her, before pulling her closer and kissing her.

"I will," she promised. "Can you do something for me?"

"Anything," he replied.

"Bring me my mother's photo albums," Johanna requested. "I have to prove to your daughter that I don't look anything like my father."

Jim chuckled lightly, "Did she say that to you?"

"She said I look like both of my parents and that's just not true," she answered and then after a moments pause she added, "Is it? I look like my mother, right?"

Jim smiled as he looked over her features, "There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, Johanna, and that is that you most definitely have Naomi's nose and so does Katie."

His wife eyed him, "What about the rest?" she asked.

He pulled her in for another kiss and then he looked her in the eye and said, "You look like your mother."

It wasn't a lie, he told himself, she did favor Naomi, but there was no point in adding in that she had Frank's hair color and chin; and it would probably be in the interest of his health and well being if he never told her that when she was angry or annoyed that her expressions were purely Frank McKenzie. No, he could never tell her that.

"Are you just humoring me?" Johanna asked as she continued to study him.

"Of course not," Jim answered.

She had her doubts but she smiled anyway and allowed the conversation to drop as she kissed him one more time and said goodnight. He waited until she was back inside with the door shut and then he left.

Johanna locked the door and then made her way back to the kitchen. "I'm going to bed," she told Kate as she stood in the doorway.

"Alright," Kate said, knowing that her mother was retreating in order to give her an opportunity to take care of things with Castle. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Rick," Johanna stated.

"Goodnight," he told her and then she made her escape to her bedroom, hoping Kate would find the courage that she needed and that all would go well.

* * *

They lingered at the table, making small talk while they each nibbled on a second helping of cake, but Castle could tell that she was tense and on edge.

"Everything's going to be alright," he told her as he caught her eye. "We'll find out who's behind all of this."

"I know," she answered quietly as she shifted in her seat, contemplating the best way of how to tell him what she had done. There was no best way, she decided. It was better just to get it over with and then deal with the fall out. She took a breath, trying to steady her nerves but she felt her stomach tighten in response. "Just do it," she told herself.

"Castle," Kate said somewhat hesitantly as she raked a hand through her hair. "We need to talk."

"About what?" he asked; wondering if this was going to be their standard 'Go home and let me work this case alone' conversation which would be followed by the 'I'm not going so don't waste your breath' conversation.

"About last night."

"Kate, it's fine," he told her.

"No…it isn't," she replied. "There's something I have to tell you and it's not easy for me to say."

"What?" he asked in concern.

Kate drummed her fingers against the table for a moment and then took a breath before looking him in the eye.

"Castle, I lied to you."

There was silence as their gazes held and she swore she could feel the tension building like a suffocating black cloud.

"About what?" he asked finally. He had a feeling that this might be his long awaited confession but he'd rather clarify to be certain.

She glanced down at the table for a moment as she tried to compose the right words, but every version she came up with seemed wrong. When she finally opened her mouth to speak, the words felt heavy and awkward as they tumbled off of her tongue.

"I remember," she said quietly. "I remember my shooting…all of it… I always have."

The statement settled in the air between them and a flicker of hardness crossed his features. Blue eyes remained locked on green and in her mind she could hear a bell tolling as if the proverbial clock had struck midnight and the spell was over. Real life was going to set in and crash down and there was nothing that she could do to prepare. The time had come...she was going to have to pay her dues.

"I know, Kate," Castle stated; his voice tight and restrained as he tried to push away the anger that had been festering deep down inside of him.

Her eyes widened slightly and she found herself at a momentary loss for words. How could he have known, she wondered. There had been moments during their rough spot when she had wondered if maybe he had somehow figured out what she had done but it didn't seem possible. No one knew except her...and her father; but she knew that her father wouldn't have betrayed her trust like that.

"How?" she stammered.

Castle was quiet as he studied her, watching her squirm under the weight of her admission. "I heard you," he replied simply, but there was no mistaking the edge in his tone.

Kate was puzzled by the answer, "You heard me?" she asked, confusion in her eyes.

"I heard you, Kate," he stated angrily. "During the bombing case. You were in the interrogation room with a suspect who was claiming that he didn't remember what had happened because of the trauma. You told him that he didn't get to use that excuse, because you had been shot in the chest and you remembered every single minute of it."

Kate closed her eyes as the memory came rushing back. He hadn't been there when the suspect had been brought in. When she had gotten back to her desk, her coffee was there and she had asked Espo where Castle was. He had told her that Castle had been there and then left. That was when the rough spot had started...he had gone into the next interrogation with her and he had been cold towards her, he'd been on edge as they interrogated the news reporter…she remembered the sharp words he had been uttering about cowards. She had found his behavior odd and now she knew why. The words had been directed at her.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked. "Why didn't you confront me?"

"What would be the point, Kate?" Castle remarked.

"What do you mean, what would be the point?" she questioned. "You had a right to ask me about what you had heard."

He couldn't help but scoff as a long withheld vein of anger and hurt split wide open, "There wouldn't have been a point because you never want to discuss anything, Kate. At least not then, you would've hemmed and hawed about it and gave me a bunch of excuses about why you couldn't have the conversation at that moment so I figured why bother trying to have it at all because I already knew what you were going to say."

She swallowed hard, trying to keep a hold of her own quick temper. "Maybe you don't know what I would've said…did you ever think about what I was saying during that case? I thought that I was giving you every indication that I wanted to talk but we kept getting interrupted. What about after the case when I asked you what you wanted to talk about?"

"Honestly," he stated, "After I heard you in interrogation I didn't give a thought to anything either of us said or did prior to that. I was hurt, Kate. I felt like I had just had my heart ripped out. I couldn't even look at you at that moment. I had to leave; I had to get away because I was so hurt and angry with you."

"Which brings us back to why you didn't confront me, even if you already thought you knew what I'd say," Kate stated.

"You're asking me why?" he asked incredulously. "Don't you think you're the one who should be telling _me _whyyou lied to me in the first place?"

Kate took the jab without flinching. He was right; she was the one who owed the explanation, not him, at least not at the moment.

"You're right," she said quietly.

"Then tell me why, Kate."

Kate felt her throat tighten with emotion. She hadn't been lying when she had said this wasn't going to be easy. "I wasn't in a good place then, Castle," she began. "I was afraid and I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't even sure if you had meant it."

"How could you think that I didn't mean it?" he asked.

She looked at him, a sheen of tears glimmering in her eyes. "Sometimes people say things during a crisis that they don't mean because they're afraid that that person is going to die and that's their response to the moment they're in."

"I meant what I said to you that day," Castle told her.

"I know that now," she replied, "But back then...," she trailed off for a moment to swallow the lump in her throat. "Back then," she said again, "My mind was in a state of chaos. I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't want to lie to you but at that moment I didn't see any other way because I had doubts and even if you had meant it I wasn't sure how to handle it. I wanted it...I wanted...I want to be with you, but I felt so broken inside and I felt like you deserved someone better than me. Someone who didn't have so many issues and problems...someone whose days weren't numbered. I didn't want you to hurt like I did. I knew what it was like to suffer from the loss of someone you love and I didn't want to do that to you, Rick. I didn't know if they were going to come and finish me off and I didn't want to make it harder on you."

Castle took a moment to digest what she had said. "First of all," he stated, "If something happened to you, it would rip me apart regardless of the status of our relationship; and secondly, shouldn't it be up to me what I deserve? Everyone has baggage, Kate, and I don't hold yours against you but I have to admit that I sometimes wonder what you're going to do when you can no longer use your mother as an excuse for the things you do and the way you are."

"I don't use my mother as an excuse," she retorted.

"Yes you do. You've kept everyone at arms length because you lost her. You've used her as an excuse not to feel. You use her as your reason to keep stalling when you claim you want to move forward. What are you going to do when Johanna can't be your reason anymore, Kate?"

The statement pricked at her like a shard of glass. "Leave my mother out of this, Castle. This is about you and me."

"No, Kate," he said. "It's always been about the three of us. All of these years you've kept yourself locked away, hiding behind her memory and her case. You built a wall so you wouldn't hurt that way again, isn't that what you told me?"

She said nothing but her hand clenched into a fist, her nails digging into her palm.

"That day on the swings, you told me that you couldn't have what you wanted until this case was closed. You were using her as your excuse then…while you set there, knowing that you had lied to me and still chose to say nothing about it."

The statement made her angry. "Is it so wrong for me to be afraid of being hurt again?" she asked.

"No, of course not," Castle answered. "But you can't let that fear constantly rule your life, Kate. You could've told me that day that you knew, you could've told me the truth and that you weren't ready for a relationship and I would've understood but you didn't. As soon as things get serious or headed in a direction that you can't control, you run."

She flinched as the words landed like a blow, "You let me run, Castle. Let's not forget that."

"I let you?" he asked, astounded by the statement. "How did I let you? You were the one who told me you needed time and that you'd call in a few days…only your few days turned into three months…three months when I heard nothing from you. So you tell me how I allowed you to run away."

"Because you did the one thing that you usually don't do, Castle," she replied. "You accepted it. Any other time you'd push me…you'd pull my pigtails…you'd call or text until I answered, but you let me go, Castle. I didn't call you, but you never rang my phone either."

"So this is my fault?" he asked defensively. "Is that what you're trying to say?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I know it's my fault…but the way I was feeling during that time, your acceptance of my absence only brought home my doubt that you didn't mean what you said."

"What did you want me to do, Kate?" he demanded to know. "You said you didn't remember, and you pushed me away and let's not forget that Josh was still in the picture. I blamed myself for what happened to you…and maybe in my darkest moments I thought that you blamed me too and that was why you pushed me away."

"Rick, I never, ever blamed you for my shooting. Never. The thought never even entered my mind. You tried to save me. Why would I blame you?"

"Because I'm the one who pushed you to reopen your mother's case," he answered.

"Maybe that's how it was supposed to be," Kate answered. "If we hadn't, chances are she'd still be in Wyoming and I'd still think she was dead."

"But we didn't know that then," he replied.

"But we know it now," she stated. "I know the truth because of you, Castle. We were looking for justice but I ended up getting her back, and it was something I never would've expected and it's been a whirlwind of emotion with its own set of issues, but it's always in the back of my mind that I might not have this second chance with my mother if it hadn't been for you."

"But you still got hurt in the process."

"Yes, I got hurt, but I survived and I'm here with you now, and I know that it doesn't make it better, but I'm sorry for pushing you away and I'm sorry that I lied…I just didn't know what else to do in that time."

"What about the times after that?" he asked. "What about that time when I asked you if you had ever regained any memory of the shooting?"

Kate swallowed a lump in her throat, "Once you start lying about something that important…it's hard to stop, and you get afraid of what might happen if you tell the truth." There was a rawness settling in the vicinity of her heart and a few tears slipped free. "Everyone thinks I'm fearless…that I'm unbreakable, that I don't flinch," she whispered as she looked at him, "But it's not true…it seems like I always have something lingering deep down inside of me that I fear, and one of those things is losing you, Castle. Those weeks after the bombing case when you were acting so distant…I was terrified that I was losing you."

"You almost did," Castle stated. "I was ready to walk away, Kate. I thought it was a lost cause."

"I know," she answered. "And I didn't know why or how to stop it because you wouldn't talk to me."

"I was angry."

"I would've told you everything if you had came to me, Castle. I was ready to tell you the truth."

"Maybe _you_ should've came to me," he replied. "If you were ready to tell me the truth, then why didn't you just come and tell me regardless?"

The image of him arriving at the crime scene with Jacinda in his car flashed through her mind and ignited a small spark of anger that rippled through her. "How was I supposed to tell you anything when you wouldn't give me the time of day? You were too busy flaunting your flight attendant in my face to listen to anything I had to say."

He released a heavy sigh, "I wanted to hurt you," he admitted.

"You succeeded."

He said nothing, so she continued on. "I know I hurt you with what I've done," she stated, "And you hurt me with Jacinda and that little dig about her being fun and uncomplicated and you hurt me when you went off with Slaughter and I had to sit back and worry about you getting yourself killed…but I want to move past all of that. I want to make this work, just like I've been telling you for awhile now."

"What made you decide it was time to confess?" Castle inquired. "Last night?"

She nodded, "I've been wanting to tell you, Castle, but I just didn't know how and it never seemed like the right time, and then last night…," she trailed off.

He shifted in his seat for a moment and then looked at her, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way," he began and he could see her bracing herself for whatever he was about to throw at her. "Because no matter what the reason is or was, I would never hold it against you that you wanted to stop last night. That's not a problem, but now with this out in the open, I have to know. Why did you stop? Was it guilt?"

"Yes," she said quietly. "It was too much…I just couldn't…not with that hanging over my head."

Castle nodded, "Again, I'm not upset about last night at all. I respect your decision and I understand, but why didn't you tell me last night?"

"Because, I was upset and you were being so sweet to me and I didn't deserve it and yet I couldn't find the words to tell you the real reason. I felt like a horrible person, I still do…I don't have a good reason for not telling you last night, except that I just wanted to stay there in that moment with you for as long as I could just in case."

"Just in case, what?"

"In case that was the last chance I had," Kate admitted. "Because it was in the back of my mind then that you might not want anything to do with me when I told you the truth."

He was quiet for a moment before speaking once again. "You're not a horrible person, Kate," he said quietly. "Far from it… you make mistakes, just like I do…the only problem with mistakes is that they tend to hurt people..._we_ tend to hurt each other. I know that I hurt you with the things I did in response to knowing that you lied to me, and I'm sorry for that. I handled my part in this badly and so did you."

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm so sorry, Castle."

"I know," he replied. "I believe that you are truly sorry, and I accept your apology."

She sensed that there was something missing from the end of that sentence, "But?" she asked.

"But it doesn't make it go away."

"I know," Kate said. "But I want to make it better. I…I just want you, Castle. I just want to be with you."

His heart gave a kick at those words and a part of him was tempted to get up from the table and cross to her side and pull her into his arms, but he didn't. The hurt was still there, so was the undercurrent of the anger that he had finally gotten to truly express. Suddenly he felt like he needed space. He just needed a little time to absorb and work through it so he could put it behind him so they could move on.

He looked at her, his features a bit softer then they had been before. "I need to go," he said. "I think we need a little space to think about things."

Her teeth bit into her lip and she nodded. She wouldn't try to keep him there when it was obvious that he needed to escape and think about things on his own, and they were only going to end up going in circles if they kept going. She rose from her chair and followed him into the living room.

They stood near the door, standing in silence as they regarded each other. He couldn't bear the sullen look on her face. He couldn't walk away and leave her without any hope that things would get better. He reached for her and pulled her into his embrace for a long minute and then he released her.

His hand was on the doorknob but there was still one thing she needed to say before he walked away.

"Rick," she said softly, causing him to turn and look at her. "I love you. I loved you then and I love you now."

He closed his eyes at the sound of her words, memorizing the sound of them and cementing the memory in his mind before his gaze met hers once again. "I love you too," he said and then he opened the door and was gone.

* * *

Kate locked the door and then shut off the lights in the kitchen and living room and then retreated to her bedroom to get ready for bed. She felt weary, and yet she knew that sleep was unlikely. Her heart felt heavy. It was all out in the open now, her long withheld secret confessed and she had uttered the words that she been keeping buried deep within her soul…and despite everything, he had said them back to her; but still she worried.

What if love wasn't enough to take away the hurt and the wrongdoing? She sighed heavily as the last several months flashed across her mind and raw emotion rippled through her. She felt the weight of every day she had lied to him, and she felt the pain that she had suffered in the face of his coldness and his liaison with Jacinda. She even felt the edges of the betrayal that she had felt when he had shadowed Slaughter. They could move past all of that now…at least she hoped so.

As she sat on the foot of her bed, her head dropped into her hands. The conversation hadn't gone as badly as she had feared but things still seemed to be hanging by a thread and she felt the need for an anchor. She needed someone to tell her it was going to be alright. With that thought in mind, she got to her feet and shuffled out of the room.

She moved across the hallway and knocked softly at her mother's door. "Come in," Johanna's voice called out to her.

She twisted the doorknob and entered, pausing for a moment to allow her eyes to adjust to the dimness of the room. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I haven't been to sleep yet," Johanna said softly as Kate settled into the vacant space next to her. "Why are you still up?" she asked as she shifted onto her side to face her daughter who had obviously decided that she might as well make herself comfortable by curling up on the opposite side of the bed.

Kate said nothing, but she held her mother's gaze and allowed her to study her features. Johanna quickly gauged her daughter's mood and the expression on her face. "You told him?" she asked quietly.

Tears pricked her eyes and her teeth sunk into her lip for a brief moment before she replied, "Yeah, I told him."

Her mother gave a small nod of understanding. "How did it go?"

"I guess it could've gone worse," Kate told her.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Yes," Kate whispered and then after taking a moment to compose herself, she told her mother about her discussion with Castle.

"Did you tell him that you love him?" Johanna asked; as Kate stopped talking without revealing the scene that had taken place at the door.

She was quiet for a moment and then met her mother's gaze. "Yes," she whispered. "I told him."

"And what did he say?" Johanna inquired.

"He said that he loves me too," Kate told her.

Her mother smiled, "Well that's good, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Kate said. "But…," she trailed off.

"But it wasn't a magic cure all," Johanna supplied.

"No, it wasn't," she answered. "I hurt him…I've been hurting him for over a year and now it's all out in the open and it feels like it could go either way and it worries me. What if we can't get past this?"

"Katie, Rick's known for months that you've been hiding this and he's still been here supporting you and putting in the effort to move things along between the two of you. Doesn't that show that he's willing to move past this?"

"But it feels different now," Kate stated.

"Of course it does," Johanna told her. "You don't have that lie hanging around your neck. You've finally told him how you feel in specific terms. It's serious now, you've taken another step. You're not just 'more than friends' now. You're now two people who admit that they love each other and want to be together. It's a whole different ballgame."

"Then why do I still feel so terrible?" her daughter asked. "Why do I still feel like I'm on shaky ground?"

"You know why you feel horrible," Johanna replied. "You hurt him, he hurt you. The two of you had a difficult conversation. No one is going to feel good in that scenario despite saying the words 'I love you' at the end of it. As for feeling like you're on shaky ground, well, you are. This is a new stage, it's fragile, you have to find your footing before it feels okay again."

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" Kate asked as she toyed with the edge of the pillow case.

"Because the two of you make it that way," Johanna remarked.

She rolled her eyes, "I could've done without that remark, Mother."

Johanna chuckled softly, "It's not just you and Rick," she told her. "We all do it. We know what we want, but then we get afraid to have it, and then we fear losing it."

Kate considered that thought for a moment and concluded that it was a true and concise statement. It also served to pique her curiosity about something in her parents past that had been mentioned during their own argument.

When you and Dad were...fighting," she began, "There was a mention of a break up."

Johanna nodded, "We broke up once while we were dating."

"It's kind of hard to believe," Kate said.

"Why?"

She gave a short laugh, "Because it's you and Dad."

Her mother looked at her in amusement, "Well back then, we weren't Mom and Dad. We were just Johanna and Jim."

Kate smiled, "So what was this break up between 'just' Johanna and Jim about?" she said somewhat teasingly.

"Smart ass," Johanna commented with a laugh before she turned thoughtful in regards to the question. "I guess the reason came down to the fact that your father suddenly got cold feet about the seriousness of our relationship."

"What caused that?" her daughter inquired.

Johanna rolled her eyes as she remembered the occasion. "It was stupid, really," she began. "We'd been together for about three months and we were out with friends and everyone was carrying on and having a good time. Your father had his arm around me and he kissed me, thinking that no one was paying any attention to us but of course we were noticed. Someone made the comment that we acted like newlyweds so we may as well get married. That comment spurred a couple more from other friends and at first he seemed fine with it...and then I made the mistake of playing along and told him that I had seen a nice ring in the window at Tiffany's. It was all down hill from there."

"What happened?" Kate asked.

"Let's just say that it was easy to tell that he wasn't amused," Johanna told her. "He started acting distant on the way back to my apartment. I told him not to be upset, that they hadn't meant anything by it and that I had been joking. He tried to brush it off, saying that it didn't bother him, that he was just tired but I knew he was lying. I figured it was best not to push the issue but when he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight and made no move to come in or stay, I had a feeling that he was taking it more seriously than he should. I told myself that it would blow over by the next day, but it didn't."

"Did you end up fighting about it the next day?" Kate asked.

"No, but he wasn't acting like himself. I commented on it and he accused me of nagging. I let it go, but all that week he kept picking fights with me and when I'd try to talk to him about it, it would only make things worse. I got frustrated with him, I knew what the problem was but he didn't want to discuss it and finally things just came to a head and we had a huge fight. I told him if he wanted out of our relationship that badly he knew where the door was. I wasn't going to stop him from going if that was what he wanted...he said that he didn't think it was working between us and he left."

"Were you surprised that he really went?" Kate questioned.

"In some ways," her mother answered. "I guess a part of me hoped that if I offered to let him go, that he'd choose to stay."

"How long did it last?"

"A week," Johanna replied. "And to make matters worse, we were working on a case together at the time and I had to spend that whole week sitting next to him in a court room."

Kate smiled sympathetically, "That must've been...awkward?" she said struggling for the right word.

Her mother nodded, "You have no idea."

"I think I do," her daughter replied. "When Castle and I were going through our rough spot, things were awkward and tense when we worked together."

"It's not a good feeling, is it?" Johanna said.

"No...it's one that I'm hoping to avoid having again," Kate answered.

"You and Rick aren't having a break up, Katie. You're just suffering from a little turbulence on the way to the next destination."

"I know that," Kate remarked, "But like I said earlier, it feels like it could go either way."

"It's going to work out just fine, Katie," her mother assured. "You just have to give it time and be willing to put in the effort."

"I am willing to put in the effort," Kate stated. "It's just that I want everything to be...normal," she said for lack of better words.

Johanna looked her in the eye, "It will be normal, but you have to let it happen at it's own pace. You can't just force it to be that way because you've finally said what needed to be said and you're ready to jump in. Just try to relax and be patient. It sounds like things went better than expected during this discussion so try not to worry so much. He said that he loves you...he'll be back. It'll work out."

"What makes you so sure?"

Johanna laughed lightly, "Well your father and I made it, so I see no reason why you and Rick shouldn't."

"I hope you're right," Kate said.

"Of course I'm right," Johanna remarked. "Aren't I always?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"No," Johanna said.

"That's what I thought," Kate replied with a laugh.

Silence fell between them for a minute and then Kate caught her mother's eye and said, "So how did you and Dad end up back together?"

Johanna gave a soft laugh, "You don't want to know."

"I think I do," Kate said. "I can always regret it later."

Johanna brushed a strand of hair away from her face and stared up at the ceiling. "By the end of the week our case was over...we won, just in case you're wondering."

Kate smiled, "I'm not surprised, now quit stalling."

"Fine," her mother said. "We didn't say much to each other after the case was over but it felt like something was different. I can't quite explain it...even back then I wasn't sure what to make of it, because by that point I was convinced that it was done for good."

"Why?"

"I heard that he had gone out with someone else," Johanna told her.

Kate nodded; she remembered that being mentioned during her parent's argument.

"So what happened?"

"That night, I was at home, doing some work, it was midnight but sleep had been almost impossible that week... for obvious reasons."

Her daughter nodded in understanding and she continued on. "There was a knock at the door...and I just knew it was him."

"Were you tempted to let him stand there?" Kate asked with a laugh.

Johanna smiled, "Maybe for a brief second," she admitted, "But I couldn't. I missed him too much, so I opened the door."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing at first," she told her. "Then finally he asked if he could come in…and of course I had to say yes. I told myself that I wasn't the one who had started that mess so it was going to be up to him to do the talking. We stood there in the middle of my living room staring at each other for what seemed to be forever," Johanna said. "It was like he couldn't find the words to explain how he felt...and I wasn't very inclined to help him find them."

Kate laughed, "What did he finally come up with?"

"Nothing," Johanna said quietly as the memory came back to her. "He kissed me instead."

"And then what?" Kate asked suspiciously.

"I think you know," her mother stated as she avoided her gaze.

"Really?" Kate said incredulously. "You slept with him instead of making him beg you to take him back."

Her mother cringed slightly at the words, "I can't believe we're talking about this again."

"I think we're getting better at it," Kate commented. "You didn't cringe nearly as much as usual and neither did I."

"I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing," Johanna remarked.

"We'll just say it's a little of both," Kate replied. "But getting back to the story, I can't believe you did that."

"I had a weak moment!" Johanna exclaimed, "Sue me."

Her daughter laughed, "I'm not judging," she said. "I'm just surprised."

"Well it surprised me too," Johanna stated. "But it happened."

"So that's why the two of you got back together?" her daughter questioned.

"Not entirely," she answered. "We talked about our issues...afterwards. He told me what was bothering him, and that he was sorry, and I apologized for the role I played in it. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to work things out if I would give him another chance."

"What about the other woman he went out with?" Kate asked.

"He said that nothing happened."

"Did you have any doubts?"

"Of course I had doubts," Johanna replied. "But he didn't seem like he was lying...and I just wanted to be with him, so I decided to trust his word like I always had."

"And that was the end of it?" Kate inquired. "You were back together after that?"

She nodded, "Yes. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make it work…and we did…and so will you and Rick."

Kate gave her a small smile. Maybe her mother was right, maybe everything would be fine if she was just calm and patient. She was somewhat confident that she and Castle could work things out and be together the way they wanted.

It was quiet between them for a long time before Johanna broke the silence; her voice low and tinged with worry. "What are we going to do, Katie?"

She didn't have to ask to know that her mother was referring to the case. "What do you mean 'we'?" she asked her.

Johanna glanced at her, "This is my fight too, remember?"

"I know it is," Kate answered, "But there isn't much you can do."

"I'm willing to do anything," Johanna told her.

"I know you are," Kate replied.

"So," her mother said as she held her gaze, "What are we going to do?"

Kate was silent for a moment, "What I have to do is solve Preston's murder and you can't help me with that."

Johanna sensed that there was more to Kate's thought process than she was saying and she decided to call her on it. "But?" she asked.

"But maybe it's time for us to get back to our plan B," she answered.

"Our idea to research the time frame of Pulgotti's case?"

"Yes."

"Good," Johanna answered, "Because I have an idea about that."

"What?"

"We're going to have to go to the library," her mother said.

"Why?"

"Because the newspaper archives online don't go back as far as we need," Johanna informed her.

Kate regarded her with a slightly suspicious look, "And you know this because?"

Johanna said nothing but she continued to hold her gaze. "Have you been looking into things without me?" Kate demanded to know.

"Just a little," her mother admitted.

"I thought we agreed…" Kate began to say but Johanna cut her off.

"I know what we agreed," she stated. "We said we'd wait before we started looking into that area; but someone hurt you again, Kate. Someone has hurt you because of me…twice now and I just can't accept that. I had to do something, even if it was just poking around online."

Kate softened a bit, "I understand that, but…."

"No, you don't understand," Johanna insisted. "You don't know how useless and helpless I feel. I got us into this and I can't even find a way to get us out of it. I sit here day after day, trying to force my brain to remember all the details of that damn court file and I can't…and I know the answer to all of this had to be in that file. I can remember the most stupid, inane things, like the last song played at my prom, and the phone number I had before I was married, but I can't remember a single name in that file!"

"You think I don't feel useless and helpless?" Kate retorted. "Are you out of your mind? You're my mother; I have your life in my hands and I haven't been able to find anything to help end this either, so don't tell me that I don't understand, because I do!"

A tense silence fell between them and Johanna expected Kate to flee the room, but she remained where she was. She hadn't meant to go off on a rant like that; she didn't even know where it had come from. Regret washed over her; the last thing she wanted to do was make Kate feel like she wasn't doing enough, because she was. She knew that she was doing everything in her power and that it was a burden on her shoulders…but that was part of what bothered her so much. She didn't want to be Kate's burden; but she also didn't want to alienate her. They'd finally gotten to a point where they had some semblance of the closeness that they had had in the past and she didn't want to destroy that with words that were said in haste without thought and born of frustration. She made enough of a mess of their lives; she didn't need to create more.

"I'm sorry, Katie," she said softly.

"It's okay," Kate told her. "I'm sorry too."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, I'm the one who went off on a tangent..."

Kate raised a hand to silence her, "Stop," she said. "We are not going to argue about who should be sorry. I'm sorry, you're sorry, it's done, just let it go. You're allowed to get frustrated from time to time; I'm not going to hold that against you."

"But I don't want you to feel like I'm accusing you of not doing enough, because you are. I don't want you to shut me out again…not when we've come this far," Johanna stated as a lump grew in her throat.

Kate reached for her hand and took it, "Listen, I think we both know that this isn't easy for either one of us…and sometimes we're going to rant or lash out because of it. It's okay. I'm not going to shut you out just because you get upset once in awhile."

"I just want this to be over, Katie," she said quietly. "This person has taken so much from us already and it has to end. I want to be able to find the answer and make it all go away so you'll be safe…so we can have our lives back…because this isn't only just about me or you. It's about your father and Rick and Martha and Alexis and your friends. They're all affected by this too and it isn't fair. My husband is waiting for me to come home and that's where I want to be, and Rick is waiting for you and that that's where you want to be. I want you to be happy, Katie…I want all of us to be happy…but we can't be until we finish this."

"We're going to finish it," Kate promised as she looked her in the eye. "We will find the answer, one way or another, and you'll get to go home and everything will be okay."

Johanna squeezed her hand, "So when do we start digging?"

"As soon as possible," Kate told her. "I'll be too busy tomorrow, but we'll get started this week. I promise."

Her mother nodded in agreement, "We can do this," she stated.

"Yes, we can," Kate remarked. "After all, I was recently reminded that life never delivers something that we can't handle."

Johanna smirked, "It just feels like it sometimes," she said; throwing Kate's words from earlier in the evening back at her.

She laughed softly, "Yeah, it just feels like it sometimes…but we put our heels on and get back in the game and deal with it."

Johanna laughed, "Are we giving ourselves a pep talk now?"

"Can you think of anyone who needs one more than us?" Kate asked lightly. "We're two of the most screwed up people in the universe."

"We need to fix that," Johanna replied.

"We'll work on it right after we take care of the business at hand," Kate told her.

Her mother smiled and nodded in agreement and Kate laid there for a few moments more as it grew quiet again, allowing her mind to run rampant with thoughts of her relationship with Castle and the case. The weight of her lie was gone, but it was replaced by the uncertainty of knowing where they stood in the scheme of things. Case wise, she felt as stuck as always but at least she and her mother had plan B…even if it didn't seem to be much of a plan on the surface. Kate blew out a breath of mild frustration; everywhere she looked there seemed to be some type of complication… and that was something that she was getting tired of.

_Authors Note: Don't worry guys, Castle and Beckett still have some talking to do ;) And remember you can find me on Twitter EvitaScarlett14_


	31. Chapter 31

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews, as always._

_For Mandy: Because she is a wonderful friend, an excellent teacher, and she always makes me smile. Happy Birthday :)_

Chapter 31 – Every Rose Has Its Thorn

'_Though it's been a while now I can still feel so much pain, Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals, But the scar, that scar remains'_ –Poison

"Katie, get up," Johanna said as she shook her lightly. Her daughter, however, didn't budge and it reminded her of the hundreds of times she had done this in the past in the pursuit of getting her daughter up and out the door to school.

"Kate!" she said loudly; shaking her a bit more vigorously. "Your alarm went off, you need to get up."

The action must've jarred something deep within Kate's sleep drenched mind, causing her to linger somewhere between dream and reality as she mumbled "I don't want to go to school."

Johanna tried to swallow her laughter but she only half succeeded. "Good news, sweetheart," she said. "You don't ever have to go to school again."

"Really?" Kate asked; still caught up in her dream like haze.

"Really," her mother said. "But you do have to go to work."

"Work?"

"Yes, work," Johanna replied. "You remember, badges, guns, bad guys, NYPD."

Something must've broken through and Kate's eyes fluttered open. She took in her surroundings in confusion before shifting her gaze to her mother's face.

"What am I doing in your room?" Kate asked her.

"You fell asleep here."

"What did you let me do that for?" she said as she sat up.

"How am I supposed to keep you from falling asleep?" her mother asked. "It's not like I can glue your eyelids open."

"You could've woke me and sent me back to my own room."

"I tried," Johanna replied. "You wouldn't budge."

"Great," Kate said, her voice holding a touch of sarcasm. "32 years old and sleeping in my mommy's room."

"It's not a big deal, Katie. It's not like it's never happened before."

"I was a kid then."

"Well I'm sorry," Johanna said, "But you weren't budging and I couldn't pick you up and carry you like I did when you were six."

"I know," Kate muttered.

"I would've moved to your room but I didn't feel like getting up," her mother told her, "But really, don't worry about it. I was the one who spent five minutes talking to you before I even realized that you were asleep."

Her daughter laughed, "Did you have a good conversation?"

"It was a little one sided," Johanna quipped.

"What was it about?" Kate asked as she got out of bed.

"Nothing important."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, it was just small talk. Go get ready for work, I'm keeping breakfast warm."

Kate glanced at her, realizing that she was already dressed for the day, "You already made breakfast? What time did you get up, Mary Sunshine?"

Johanna smirked at her, "I've been up since 5 if you must know."

"Why?" Kate asked as she drifted into the hallway.

"Couldn't sleep," her mother answered. "Now go on, you'll be late."

Kate wasn't sure that she believed that nothing was bothering her mother but she figured she'd let it go for the time being. She had things to do, they could chat later.

As she went through her morning routine, thoughts of Castle entered her mind. Her stomach fluttered nervously as she wondered if she would see him today. What was she supposed to do if he didn't come to the precinct? Should she call? Should she stop by the loft on her way home, or should she just give him space?

The options were still weighing on her mind as she sat down at the table and accepted her plate from her mother.

"What's on your mind, Katie?" Johanna asked half way through their silent filled meal.

"What do you think?" she answered as she focused on her mother's face.

"I figure there are a few options," Johanna replied. "It's either, Rick, the case, or the combination of the two."

"Mainly Rick," she said, figuring she'd already divulged plenty on the subject to her mother so why hold back now.

"Let's hear it," Johanna said. "You'll feel better."

"You keep telling me that," Kate remarked.

"Well," her mother said, "Don't you feel better not having that lie hanging over your head?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And don't you feel better knowing that overall the conversation went better than you expected."

Kate nodded, "I guess you could say that."

"Then overall you feel better about unloading your troubles, right?"

"Right."

"I told you so," Johanna said with a grin.

Kate smirked at her as she plucked a scrambled egg from her plate and flung it at her. It smacked off Johanna's nose and fell onto her lap.

"You're going to pay for that," she said to her daughter as she picked up the piece of egg and flung it back at Kate as she laughed.

It landed in her hair and Kate wrinkled her nose in distaste. "You just had to get it in my hair, didn't you?" she said as she carefully picked it from her brown locks.

"That's what happens when you play with your food," Johanna said with a laugh. "I taught you better than that."

Kate scoffed, "Who said."

"You better watch it, Katherine," her mother warned; her eyes gleaming with amusement.

"Or what?"

"Or I'll punish you…somehow," Johanna said.

"Sure you will," Kate retorted before taking a sip of juice.

"Are you going to tell me what's on your mind or not?" her mother asked.

She sighed, "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do if he doesn't call or come around today."

Johanna considered the problem for a moment before looking her daughter in the eye. "I guess if he doesn't come around today, the right thing to do would be to respect his need for space."

"I shouldn't even call?" she asked.

Her mother shrugged, "I don't know…if you feel the need to then maybe you should wait until later in the day and prepare yourself for the possibility that he might not answer. Things might still be too raw right now. He might not be ready to talk just yet."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Then don't call, let him make the next move."

Kate hated this; she could already feel how awkward this was going to be. "What about a text message?"

"In my opinion, that would be the better option if you want to be the one to reach out," Johanna replied. "It keeps the line of communication open but still provides a little bit of distance."

"That makes sense," Kate said.

"Just don't force it right now," her mother advised.

"Keep it casual?"

"Yes. If you text him, don't push anything big in the message. Wait until this evening if you're going to do that and make it more about updating him about the case and keeping him in the loop. Relationship wise, you could casually drop in that you missed him but you understand that he needs time," Johanna told her.

Kate thought about it for a moment and decided that it was a decent plan if she should happen to need one.

"How did you get so good at this stuff?" Kate asked her.

Johanna laughed, "Have you met your father?"

Kate burst into laughter as she looked across the table at her mother, "I guess that was a stupid question."

Her mother was still laughing, "Allow me to tell you my qualifications, I had three years of extensive training in the 'we say we're just friends but really we're more' department'. I then got upgraded to the 'okay, I admit it, I love you' department which came with its own extensive training program, which was somewhat different from the previous experience as I worked out the kinks. Finally I got promoted to marriage; and then motherhood…motherhood is a whole other battleground training experience," Johanna laughed. "You think this part is hard, wait until you work your way up to that one."

"Great," Kate said with a nod. "Something to look forward to."

Johanna smiled at her, "Each area, from the more than friends, to the dating, the marriage, and then the babies, is rewarding in its own way. It takes a lot of work, a lot of mistakes, some tears and some apologies, but it's worth it in the end."

For some reason, that made her feel better until another thought occurred to her; and it was almost as worrisome as the previous one that had troubled her.

"What if he does show up?" she asked.

Johanna glanced at her, "That would be a good thing…wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, but things are probably going to be weird between us."

"There's nothing you can do about that," her mother told her. "You just have to wait it out."

"You don't have an anti-awkwardness cure is your repertoire?" Kate asked.

Johanna laughed, "If I had a cure for awkwardness, don't you think I would've used it for myself by now?"

"Good point."

"This is one of those grin and bear it moments, Katie."

"I don't want to grin," Kate remarked.

"Then smile demurely," her mother teased lightly.

Kate pushed her plate a way and rested her elbows on the table, allowing her head to fall into her hands for a moment. "This sucks. Why do I let these things happen?"

Johanna laughed, "Because you're in love, honey, isn't it grand?"

Kate raised her head and looked at her, "Don't make me hate you."

Johanna smiled, "It'll be okay," she told her. "Just look at the bright side, the worst is already over."

"How do you figure?"

"Because you've told the truth and now you're in a place where you can wipe the slate clean and start over."

"Wiping the slate clean doesn't make it go away," Kate stated.

"No, it doesn't," her mother agreed; "But it does help. You can acknowledge the past and agree to let it go and move on."

"Is that what you and Dad are doing?"

Her mother nodded, "Yes, that's what we've agreed to. We talked about things, made our apologies and cleared the air so to speak. Are there things that are still going to come up and that will need discussed? Yes, and we know that; but we're ready to put this behind us and move forward."

"Does it make your relationship feel better?" Kate inquired.

"I can only tell you how it feels on my side," Johanna said. "I feel a lot better because I've finally gotten to say a lot of things that I've been keeping buried inside. I'm always going to carry the weight of the guilt; that's mine for life but it doesn't feel so heavy now…and I think having that feeling is key to being able to make progress with my relationship."

Kate considered those statements for a moment, "But that doesn't really tell me that your relationship feels better…it's more like you're saying that _you _feel better."

"Isn't the key to a relationship feeling good, having both people in it feel good?" Johanna asked. "If I don't feel better, then my relationship isn't going to feel better. The same goes for your father; if he doesn't feel better then the relationship isn't going to either. You can't have one party be fine and the other not be; the relationship suffers that way. Both people have to be on the same page and they both have to feel good about things."

"So what you're saying is; you've made peace with what's been done and now you can carry the burden of it better and be in a place where you can have the kind of relationship with Dad that you always had."

"Yes, I feel like I can carry the burden better and I think I'm in a better place, not only in my relationship with my husband, but also with you, and to me, that means both relationships feel better and that's the key to me being able to one day be in a place within myself where I can accept and make peace with everything that has happened."

"You're a lot more complicated then I used to think," Kate remarked as she finished her juice.

"Is that a compliment or an insult?" Johanna said lightly.

"Neither," Kate replied as she rose from her chair. "It's merely an observation...one that makes me feel slightly better about myself."

"Why is that?" her mother asked as she followed her to the door.

Her daughter shrugged, "I don't know, maybe because I thought I was the only one who was this complicated…knowing that you're in the club with me makes it a little better and has the bonus of me being able to blame it on heredity."

Johanna smirked, "I'm glad I could be of service to you."

Kate gave a soft laugh as she looked at her and then she gave in to the need to be hugged by her mother before she said goodbye and dragged herself out of the apartment to face the day ahead.

* * *

Kate walked into the precinct with a flutter of hopefulness that she would find a cup of coffee sitting on her desk, and her partner in his chair. She frowned as she neared her desk. No coffee cup. No writer in the vacant chair. She shook away the feeling of disappointment. It was still early, he wasn't always there when she arrived, there was no reason to be bothered by his absence. There was still a chance that he'd show up.

"You okay?" Esposito's voice asked at her side; startling her and pulling her from her thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said as she made herself set about getting her day started. "Do we have the reports from CSU and ballistics, yet?"

"Ryan's down there waiting on them now. The security firm that Shadow worked for did send over the list of employees that Shadow worked closely with. It's not a long list, apparently he preferred to work alone during his tenure," he said as he handed her the sheet of paper that he held.

Kate scanned the list, 10 names, none of them striking her with an air of familiarity in the sense of people that she may have arrested in the past.

"Did you run these names and see if any of them have questionable backgrounds?" Kate asked.

The Detective nodded, "A few traffic violations but nothing like we're looking for. I already made some calls and set up times for the first five to come in and talk to us. I'm waiting on the other five to respond to the messages I felt for them."

"Great," she said. "When is the first one due in?"

"10," Esposito answered.

"Thanks."

"No problem. I'm going to dig deeper in the financials like we talked about."

Kate nodded, "And I'm going to request a warrant for the list of clients Shadow worked for through the security firm."

"Good luck," her friend said.

Esposito walked off in the direction of his desk and Kate turned on her computer and settled down in her chair. Maybe if she stayed focused on her work she wouldn't have time to dwell on whether Castle would make an appearance or not.

A half hour later, Ryan entered the bullpen, file folders in hand. "Reports are in," he announced.

"What do we have?" Kate asked.

"The gun found next to Shadow is the gun that was used to kill Hayes and Lancaster," he stated and then paused for a moment before adding, "It's also the gun that killed Shadow."

"So they struggled," Kate said; setting the scene up in her mind. "Shadow somehow falls and cracks his head on the edge of the coffee table, knocking him unconscious. The killer then takes Shadow's gun and shoots him with it, leaving it all tied up nicely without a single link back to himself in the form of a weapon."

"I don't know who these people are," Esposito stated, "But the bastards know what they're doing."

"There's more," Ryan said. "The rifle that was found in the closet is a match for the one that took that took that shot at your mother."

Her hand curled into a fist at her side, her nails digging into her palm before she finally uncurled her fingers.

"What did CSU turn up?" she inquired.

"The only prints in the apartment were Shadow's. The computer was wiped clean."

"Can they recover anything?" Esposito asked.

"They're going to try," Ryan answered, "But it looks unlikely."

Kate frowned in concentration, "How did this guy have time to struggle with Shadow, kill him and wipe the computer clean?" she asked. "We know how long he was in the apartment, he wouldn't have chanced sticking around after firing the shot in case a neighbor had heard and called the police."

"Maybe he made an earlier visit to the apartment," Esposito said, "One during a time frame when Shadow wasn't there. He could've wiped the computer clean and snatched anything incriminating before going back to finish the job."

"Ryan go back to the building, I want the security camera footage for the 48 hours prior to the murder."

"Guess I know who gets to screen that," Ryan said as he grimaced at the tedious task ahead.

Kate smiled at him, "It won't be so bad," she told him. "I'll make you some popcorn."

"Popcorn," Ryan said; clearly unimpressed, "That's really going to make it worthwhile."

She smirked, "I'll get you a soda out of the machine too."

"Gee thanks," he said sarcastically.

"It's the least I can do," Kate remarked.

"No, the least you could do would be to call your mother and ask her to bake something," Ryan replied with a grin.

"My mother is not your personal baker," Kate retorted as she eyed both men.

"But she adopted us," Esposito said. "It's in the contract that she has to occasionally feed us."

"I have a feeling that she isn't aware of your definition of occasionally," Kate stated before turning her attention back to Ryan. "Anything else?"

"No," he told her. "We're coming up dry. No fingerprints, no witnesses, no picture of the killer's face and no evidence to tell us who Shadow was working for."

Kate felt the weight of those statements settling on her shoulders. "Another wall," she thought to herself. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't escape from those metaphorical cement fortresses that always seemed to surround her. She had finally demolished her personal wall; she was currently standing among the rubble of it...but in front of her was the wall of her mother's case, a wall that seemed to be growing re-enforced instead of developing cracks that would denote its destruction. A soft sigh escaped her; she just couldn't seem to get ahead.

"Did you request the warrant?" Esposito asked; pulling her from her thoughts once again.

"Yeah, but I haven't heard anything yet."

"Where's Castle?" Ryan asked as if he were just noticing the writer's absence.

"I don't know," Kate said as casually as possible.

"Again?" Esposito asked with a raised brow.

"Again, what?" Kate questioned.

"You and Castle," he replied. "Are you fighting again?"

She rolled her eyes, "We are not fighting."

"Uh huh," both men said; disbelief on their faces.

"Guys, do we really have to do this every time Castle isn't standing within five feet of me?"

"Yes," they both answered simultaneously.

"Why?"

"Because we all know that if Castle isn't standing within five feet of you, and you can't give us a reason why; then something is wrong in the universe," Ryan told her.

"Did you ever think that maybe it's none of your business?" Kate asked.

They shook their heads. "You have to tell us," Esposito stated, "How else are we supposed to know if we need to hunt him down and make him bleed?"

She couldn't help but smile at the comment. "I appreciate that," Kate said, "But there's nothing going on that calls for bloodshed and if there was a need for it, I'm sure I could handle it myself."

"Okay," Ryan said, "Don't tell us. We'll just go ask Lanie."

Kate smirked, "Lanie doesn't know and even if she did, she wouldn't tell you."

"You're keeping secrets from Lanie!" Esposito exclaimed in surprise. "I'm telling her."

"Go right ahead," Kate told him. "Now if you're done trying to pry into my business, can we get back to work? I have someone at home who would like to spend her anniversary with her husband, un-chaperoned, so if we could get this wrapped up that would be great."

"When is it?" Ryan asked.

"The 18th," Kate answered, "And if she would happen to be home by then, she'd probably be so grateful that she'd bake you all the cakes, cookies, and brownies that you wanted."

"Then what are we standing around here for?" Esposito said, "Let's get to work."

Kate breathed a sigh of relief that their interrogation about Castle was over and she once again focused her mind on her work, hoping that somewhere there was a lead waiting for her to find.

* * *

Castle appeared shortly after Kate had conducted the first interview of one of Shadow's co-workers. She sensed his presence before she saw him and those feelings of nervousness swam to the surface. She took a steadying breath and then turned away from the murder board to face him.

"Hey," he said quietly; his tone betraying little but the corners of his mouth were slightly curved upward in a light smile.

"Hey," she replied as she allowed a small smile of her own to slip into place.

Their gazes held and they both shifted awkwardly as silence hung in the air between them. This was what she had been afraid of she thought as they continued to stare at each other, both of them at a loss of how they should go about this. Finally, her eyes dropped from his face and focused on the two cups of coffee that he had in his hands. Castle followed her gaze, the action shaking him from his own thoughts as he focused on the coffee cups that he had momentarily forgotten about.

Kate glanced away from the cup, her eyes locking upon his once again, a silent 'Is that for me?' floating in the air between them.

Funny how they could say so much without saying a word, Castle thought to himself as he held her cup out towards her.

"Thank you," she said softly as she accepted his offering; a more genuine smile gracing her lips.

"Sorry it's late," Castle said. "I hope you haven't inflicted too much crankiness upon the world in its absence."

He was trying to ease the tension and she appreciated the effort. Coffee and teasing were normalcy.

"I mainly took it out on Ryan," Kate replied. "I'm forcing him to watch some extensive security camera footage."

"Ruthless," Castle said, a bit of a sparkle in his eyes. "It's a good thing I got here when I did; who knows what you might have done to Esposito."

"I'm sure I would've thought of something terrible to do to him," Kate replied lightly.

"Oh I'm sure you would have done something terrible to him," he agreed.

Their eyes locked for a beat and she felt slightly stung. He'd been joking; she knew that, and yet a part of her couldn't help but feel like it was a shot at the way she had treated him by lying to him for so long. The tension that had briefly eased away crept back in.

Castle mentally berated himself as he took in the look on her face and realized how she had taken his remark.

"Kate, I...I didn't mean it like that," he stammered. "I'm sorry."

"No, no," she said with a shake of her head, "It's fine."

"But I didn't mean it..."

"I know, Castle," she said; cutting him off, "It's fine, let's just forget it."

This, he thought to himself, was going to be a very long day and it was going to be even longer if he didn't keep his foot out of his mouth.

"Anything new?" he asked with a gesture to the white board; figuring a change in topic would put them back on safer ground.

"Not much," she replied and he could see a touch of relief in her features as she set about filling him in about the reports and the interviews that had been set up with Shadow's co-workers.

"The next one should be here in a few minutes," Kate stated. "You can join me for that...if you want."

"Of course I do," he replied. "I'm your partner."

She nodded and did her best to give him another smile but she could still feel the tension thrumming between them. It was going to be a long, awkward day, Kate thought to herself. She was relieved that he had appeared with coffee cups in hand, but apparently those little touches of normalcy weren't going to ease the feeling of being in limbo where their personal relationship was concerned. It was going to be a day full of tip-toeing around each other, of reading between the lines of things that were said and the nagging fear that something might be said or done that would cause irreparable harm. She sighed and briefly wondered if her mother's 'keep it casual' advice worked for face to face encounters as well as text messages. Some days, she just wished that she had stayed in bed.

* * *

By the afternoon, they had finished three interviews and Kate was feeling the strain, both with the case and with Castle. She paced the area by her desk, raking a hand through her hair in the process. It seemed as though she and Castle were both going out there way to keep things...overly polite between them out of fear of hurting feelings or having something taken the wrong way and to make matter worse, Ryan and Esposito kept watching them as if they had suddenly become taken over by alien life forms. She knew that eventually the boys were going to quit holding their tongues and they were going to start asking questions…again.

The thought had no sooner crossed her mind when she saw the two of them headed toward her desk. She couldn't do this right now, she had to escape. She needed a few minutes away from Castle and she needed to dodge Ryan and Esposito's interrogation. It was time to call home.

"Where are you going?" Castle asked as she snatched up her phone and turned to walk away.

"I'm antsy," she told him. "I'm going to wander off and call home. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Kate hurried away, ignoring the looks the boys sent after her and she didn't pause for even a moment until she reached the bathroom door. She prayed it would be empty, and luck was on her side for once that day as she finally found herself alone. She hit the speed dial for Johanna's number and then waited as the phone rang twice before her mother's voice floated across the line. They went through their usual routine of Kate asking if everything was as it should be and then true to form, her mother got right to the heart of things without her even saying a word.

"Did Rick show up?" Johanna asked.

"Yeah," she sighed.

"And?"

"And we're being very polite to each other," Kate answered.

Her mother was quite for a brief second, "Politeness is good," she said. "I did teach that to you after all."

"No, it's not good!" Kate exclaimed. "This isn't us...we don't do this overly polite stuff. It's awkward and we're trying to act like it isn't and Ryan and Esposito are picking up on it, and it's...it's just wrong," she vented, allowing her frustration to pour out. "What if I've done the wrong thing?"

"You haven't done the wrong thing," Johanna said patiently. "It's just going to take a little time."

"But he already knew what I did," she exclaimed in a hushed voice." He knew for months."

"It doesn't matter, Katie," her mother replied. "It's different to hear you confess it directly to him and I'm sure you know and understand that somewhere inside, you're just agitated because you're having a bad day. It's been less than 24 hours; things are still raw for both of you. Try to relax; that should help."

Kate allowed her head to fall against the wall. "I feel like I'm in limbo," she said, "I feel like I don't know where I stand and I hate that."

"You know where you stand," Johanna remarked. "You love him, he loves you and right now he's somewhere in that building because of you. I know you feel like you're standing on shaky ground, but I swear to you that it isn't going to give out from beneath your feet. It's going to work out, you'll be fine. You'll see."

She felt somewhat anguished as she said, "But I just need to hear him say that it's going to be okay," she admitted. "I'm fine with giving him space, but I just need to hear him say it."

"Then ask him," Johanna said.

"But wouldn't that be pushing?" Kate asked.

"I don't think one simple question like that would run the risk of being misconstrued as pushing," her mother replied, "Especially if it helps relieve the pressure that you're feeling."

Kate took a breath and rallied her confidence, "Okay, I can do this."

"That's right," Johanna said, "You can handle this, it's going to turn out okay."

They were quiet for a moment and then Kate spoke once more. "Thanks," she said, taking a moment to appreciate the support that her mother so freely gave her.

"No problem," Johanna answered. "Are you hiding in the bathroom again?"

There was a beat of silence as Kate smirked; her mother just always seemed to know everything. "Yes, what of it?" she asked.

"Nothing," Johanna replied with a light laugh. "Nothing at all."

Kate managed a soft laugh as she rolled her eyes in response and then she said her goodbyes and prepared herself to go back to her desk and deal with the way things were for the moment.

* * *

After the last of the interviews with Shadow's co-workers had been concluded, Kate stood in the break room, looking down into her coffee cup as if the answers to her problems could be found floating around in the brown liquid that filled her cup. The interviews hadn't gotten her anywhere. Discouragement was settling into her soul as she mentally replayed each conversation in her brain. It seemed like no one knew much about Mark Samuel Preston, and it seemed like that was the way he had preferred things.

Each co-worker had used the same words to describe him. He was cold, gruff, a loner. He didn't talk about his personal life. He preferred to work alone. He was all about his job. He was arrogant; he liked to be in charge. No one knew of anyone that Preston had considered a friend. He never spoke of relatives or a girlfriend.

"He was just there," one co-worker had remarked. "He blended into the background, clients liked that and it made him a popular choice."

Kate sighed; she hadn't been able to get any of the co-workers to disclose the names of any clients that Shadow had worked for. She needed a name...she needed a lead...she just needed _something_ to go on; but she had nothing and she slammed her cup down in frustration, causing coffee to slosh over the side and onto the counter.

"Are you okay?" Castle's voice asked from behind her.

She was quiet for a moment, her hands gripping the counter and her head lowered. It was on the tip of her tongue to give the standard answer of 'I'm fine,' but then she remembered that she had stopped lying to him...and it wouldn't be good to get started on that habit again even if it was something minor that he would see through anyway.

"No," she answered as she raised her head, her back still to him. "No, I'm not okay."

She felt his hand, warm and comforting at the small of her back as he took his place beside her.

"It's going to be okay," he said with quiet assurance.

Kate shook her head, tears of aggravation stinging her eyes but she didn't let even one fall. "It's not okay, Castle...it's never going to be okay. I just don't understand how this person can continue to evade us at every step. How can someone be this good at wiping away every trace of evidence that connects him to this?"

Castle stayed quiet, allowing her to vent her frustration freely as his hand stayed firmly in place at her back, offering her support.

"Every time we get a lead it ends up being a dead end...a literal dead end in the sense of suspects. Computers are wiped clean, the money is untraceable, the cell phones are untraceable, the killers duck the security cameras, and they don't leave fingerprints. All we end up doing is going around in circles only to end up hitting the same damn wall," she stated, her jaw tight and voice betraying the tension she felt. "And all I can think about is how the bastard behind all of this is probably sitting somewhere, watching it all play out, having himself a real good laugh at our expense while he plots how to take us down for good."

"We'll find him," Castle told her. "He's not going to take you down. He's not going to take your mother down. You've both fought too long and too hard to be taken down now. You'll win this, just like you always do."

A tear broke free against her command and it slipped down her cheek as she turned her face to look at him. "Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm going to win this, Castle," she whispered.

"You will," he promised.

"How do you know?"

He gave her a small smile, "Because that's how I would write it."

The statement elicited a small, soft laugh from her as she swiped at her cheek. She held his gaze and for a moment it felt like everything was alright between them as she drank in the affection that laid in the depths of his blue eyes. The moment was starting to feel intense and they both shifted as the memory of their current status swept back in.

"When you write the takedown scene, make it a good one for me," Kate said quietly, a hint of a smile on her lips as she took them back to safer ground for the time being.

He grinned at her, "Oh, you can count on it. That scene will be written with you taking him down in a blaze of glory."

She laughed, "Blaze of glory, huh, were you listening to Bon Jovi this morning?"

He smirked playfully, "No, but if I had been, it would've been Livin On A Prayer."

"Oh my god," Kate laughed, "Mom loves that song, she'd always take the long way home if that came on the radio."

Castle smiled at the thought, "And how about you?" he asked, "Did you like it too."

Her cheeks reddened with a hint of embarrassment, "Well I couldn't let her sing along by herself."

Castle chuckled, "I'd pay to see the two of you singing along to that song."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" she replied.

Silence fell for a second before he caught her eye once more, "Kate," he said softly, "I know that sometimes it doesn't feel like this is going to end, and I don't blame you for having those feelings, but one day it will be over. We'll get there."

She nodded as she bit her lip, "But sometimes I wonder if we'll all still be standing at the end."

"Of course we will," he stated with conviction. "We're all coming out of this alive and well."

"I hope you're right."

"Aren't I always right?" Castle teased.

Kate smirked, "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"No," he replied. "Knowing you, you probably have a tally of all the times I've been wrong."

She laughed, "No I don't, although I do wish I had started a tally for how many times you've suggested the CIA for a theory."

"I'm sure it's not nearly as many times as you think it has been."

Kate shot him a look. "Okay," he replied, "Maybe it is...but you like it."

Her eyes locked on his, "Yeah, I do," she said softly, her tone telling him that the sentiment ran deeper than the conversation implied.

He glanced around to make sure no one was watching and then he pulled her into his arms, wrapping her in his embrace. She held on tightly, allowing herself a moment to savor the feeling before pulling away out of fear of being caught.

"I know you need a little time," Kate said quietly as she looked into his eyes, "And I respect that, but I just have to know something."

"What?" he asked.

She shifted on her feet, hesitating for a moment before asking the question that she needed an answer to so desperately. "Are we going to be okay, Rick?" she finally asked, her tone containing a note of vulnerability.

He reached for her hands and held them as he looked her in the eye, "We're going to be fine, Kate," he answered sincerely. "Let's just give it a few days, let the dust settle and then we'll start over, from a better place."

She nodded, "Okay."

He smiled at her, and then after another quick glance around, he raised one of her hands to his lips and brushed a lingering kiss against it.

She returned his smile, some of the weight falling from her shoulders. It would be okay...she could believe that now, and she was fine with letting the dust settle as he had termed it. They could take a few days to regroup; there was no harm in that.

"I'd like to do better than this," he said, pulling her from her thoughts as he gestured to the skin he had just kissed.

She grinned in understanding, "I'd like that too," Kate answered and she subconsciously licked her lips as she thought about his kiss. "Maybe we can do something about that after work," she told him.

His eyes sparkled, "Detective, you've read my mind."

She laughed and then she turned serious as something crossed her mind that she needed to talk to him about. "Castle, I have to talk to you about something and I don't want you to get mad."

His stomach knotted; surely she wasn't hiding something else from him, was she? He hoped not. "What is it?" he asked, worry suddenly etched into his features.

She took a breath, "My Mom and I have decided to go ahead and pursue our idea of researching the time frame of Pulgotti's case," she informed him.

"I see," he replied.

"I want you to be a part of it; I want you to work on this with us."

Oh she could bet on that one, Castle thought to himself. There was no way in hell that he was going to let her and Johanna dive into this side project on their own. "Okay," he told her. "When do we get started?"

His easy acceptance of the plan surprised her and it took her a moment to react. "I figure we can get started on my next day off."

He gave a nod, "Name the time and place and I'll be there."

Kate regarded him for a moment, still stunned that he took the news so well. "You're okay with this?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied. "As long as I can be a part of it with you, then I'm okay with it."

She smiled slightly in acceptance of his answer, figuring it wouldn't do her any good to keep picking at the topic. He was willingly to help and he apparently wasn't going to try to stop her. This was one of those moments when you had to leave well enough alone.

* * *

Kate was still disgruntled when five o'clock rolled around. Her warrant request for the client list had been turned down and so far the techs hadn't been unable to recover anything on the hard drive of Shadow's computer. Just one more reminder that the bastard was still winning.

"Are you going to put in another request?" Castle asked as he lingered by her desk, waiting to make sure she was really calling it a night.

"Yeah," she answered. "There has to be a judge somewhere that will sign off on it...it just might take awhile to find him."

"What about Judge Markway?" Castle asked.

"He's on vacation," Kate replied.

"For how long?"

"A week," she said.

"Figures," Castle muttered, "Never misses a poker game but when you need a warrant the man is off living it up somewhere...probably with the money he won off of me our last game."

The statement elicited a soft chuckle from her as she shut down her computer. "Still sore about that?" she asked.

"Yes," he whined, "First your mother kicks my ass and then Markway! What the hell is wrong with the universe lately?"

She shot him a teasing glance, "Maybe you're cursed again, Castle."

"So not funny," he replied, but his eyes sparkled in response. "You better just bite your tongue about curses."

Kate laughed, "Fine, but if I do that then we'll just have to call it what it is."

"And what is that?" he asked.

"Bruised ego," she quipped.

He grinned, "Bruises hurt, Beckett, and they take a long time to heal."

A coy smile lifted the corners of her lips, "Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"Would you?" he asked; that boyish grin upon his face.

She smiled, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as she held his gaze, "Yes," she answered. "I think I can do that."

He moved closer, leaning towards her, only to be stopped by her hand on his chest, "Not here," she told him with a laugh.

His eyes still held amusement as he locked his gaze upon her. "Does your mother know that she raised an evil, evil woman?" he asked.

She gave a slight nod, "I think she's heard the rumors."

"I hope she's ashamed," he teased.

"Far from it," Kate laughed. "She's proud to pass on the family tradition."

"Should've known," he remarked, "And I'll be sure to tell her that you've implied that she is evil as well."

"You wouldn't," Kate said playfully.

"Oh?" Castle said with a grin, "And just why wouldn't I?"

"Because," she said, dropping her tone into a slightly seductive register, "Then I might have to retract my offer of kissing your bruised ego."

"Well when you put it that way," he conceded as he looked into her green eyes that gleamed with affection.

"That's what I thought."

"So when do I get my kiss?" he asked. "That bruise is stinging a little...it needs to be soothed."

"Well," Kate said, "I guess I can drive you home and then see what I can do...that is if you think you can hold on that long."

Castle grinned at her, "I think I can hold on that long...as long as you don't drive below the speed limit and hit all the red lights."

Kate laughed, "You want me to light up the gumball?"

"Would you?" he said; his smile blazing even more as he felt the relief that their awkwardness appeared to be over. "It is an emergency situation."

"Do you really think the department would buy that?"

He shrugged, "They might," he said, "Have you ever known a time when the state of my ego hasn't been an emergency?"

She giggled lightly, "I guess you have a point there."

"Besides," he said mischief on his features, "You could always pass it off as mouth to mouth resuscitation."

"For an ego?"

"It could've been fatal," he remarked. "You know how fragile we writers are."

"Oh I know," Kate replied as she took her purse from the bottom drawer and grabbed her keys.

"We have to be treated with tender loving care."

"Am I to assume that this tender loving care is to be provided by the muse?" Kate asked.

"Yes," he said as they walked towards the elevator, "If you consult your muse handbook, you'll see on page 5, paragraph 3, that it clearly states that you must provide me with an ample amount of TLC on a regular basis."

"Well then," Kate replied, "I don't want to have it on my record that I've been remiss in my duties."

"No, you wouldn't want that at all," Castle agreed.

"Then as soon as we're in the garage of your building, I'll take care of that ego for you."

"My ego and I will thank you."

Kate couldn't resist teasing him a little more as they rode the elevator to the garage. "Since I went to the Police Academy instead of medical school, you may have to tell me where this bruised ego is located."

His eyes twinkled, "I could give so many different answers for that."

She laughed, "I'm sure you could, but maybe you better pick a safe option for the time being," she said, being mindful of the fact that they still needed to talk some more and the fact that he wanted to let things settle for a few days before they embarked on this new stage of their relationship.

He smiled in understanding, and his gaze was soft as he looked at her, "It's right about here," he said as he tapped a finger against his lips.

"Here?" she asked, moving closer to brush a quick kiss against his mouth before the elevator doors opened.

"If I say yes, does that mean I just got jipped out of the kiss I was hoping for?"

"Not at all," she replied. "I just want to make sure I get it right."

"Alright," he said lightly, "But if you take it back when we get to the loft, I'm going to call your mother and tell her that you said she was evil."

Kate smirked at him, "Because nothing's sexier than a tattle tale, right?"

"It's not my fault if you have to be taught a lesson in how to play nice, Kate Beckett," he teased.

"You better be careful," she warned, "Or you might really need mouth to mouth resuscitation."

"As long as you're the one providing it, I'm okay with that."

She gave a short laugh, "It's not going to be done by me. Ryan and Esposito will have to toss a coin to see who wins that privilege."

Castle made a face, "I suddenly forgot your mother's phone number."

She grinned at him, "That's more like it," she said as she unlocked the car.

* * *

When Kate pulled into the garage of Castle's building and parked, she unhooked her seat belt and opened the door to get out of the car, but he noticed that she left the keys in the ignition.

"Aren't you coming up?" he asked as he joined her at the back of the car.

"I would," she answered, "But I can't. Dad is leaving before I get home because he's going to a ball game with his friends. I don't like to leave her by herself for too long if I can help it."

"Understandable," he said with a smile as they lingered there for a moment, feeling a trickle of awkwardness seeping into the atmosphere.

"He didn't want to go," Kate said, deciding another moment or two of small talk wouldn't hurt. "We had to talk him into it."

"Why?" Castle asked. "Is he worried that something might happen if he leaves before you get home?"

"No," she answered. "It's more of the fact that now that they're over their argument, they've gotten back into that cozy little bubble of contentment and he doesn't want to leave her."

He laughed quietly, "So how'd you talk him into it?"

"I threw out that reminder that he needs to keep up appearances and then she told him that if he started turning down ball games people would think he was sick and they'd start calling me to find out what was wrong with him. She told him that I didn't need the aggravation so he better go and he could call her afterwards."

"You can't say they aren't devoted to each other," he commented.

"I've never doubted that," Kate replied as their gazes locked for a long moment. "Is that ego of yours still causing you pain?" she asked.

"Yes," he told her, a lazy grin spreading across his lips. "It's in desperate need of attention."

"Well then we better take care of that," she said as she shifted closer. His hands found their way to her waist and he pulled her even closer. She hesitated for a second as the brief thought fluttered through her mind that it would be the first kiss they shared since she had told him that she loved him and she couldn't help but wonder if it would feel different in some respect. There was only one way to find out, she figured as she closed the space between them and captured his lips in a kiss that started off gently and then deepened as she allowed the moment to settle in and take over.

They broke apart and she smiled somewhat shyly. It did feel different…a good kind of different that she couldn't quite explain but she allowed the feeling to draw her back for a few more kisses as she was eager to savor the feeling. There was something new behind it now, a little flutter of excitement that she had finally stepped over the rubble of her wall and was moving forward with him.

When it ended, he released his hold on her but took her hands in his just as he had done in the break room and then looked into her eyes. "A few days, Kate," he said quietly. "We'll talk more about this in a few days and then we'll put the past behind us and move forward. Are you okay with that?"

She nodded, "That's fine, Rick," she told him. "As long as I've taken to get to this point, I can't begrudge you a few days to sort through how you feel, especially when you've always been so patient with me. I'm fine with waiting."

He gave her a smile and then kissed her lips one more time, "Alright then, we'll get everything settled in a few days," he said, before allowing himself to steal one more kiss. "Go take care of your mom."

"See you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Always," he told her and she smiled brightly at the sound of their word.

"Always," she whispered back before getting into the car and starting the engine.

He watched as she drove away and for the first time in a long time, he felt like everything was going to be okay.

* * *

Kate arrived home to find her mother alone, as expected, with a book in hand as she sat on the sofa.

"Anything?" Johanna asked as Kate dropped her purse and keys onto the stand by the door.

"No, we're still hitting the wall," she answered.

"Maybe tomorrow," her mother replied, and Kate could tell that she was trying to keep her tone hopeful.

She glanced at her, "That's what you said yesterday."

"Eventually, I'll be right."

"At least we hope so," Kate remarked as she plopped down on the sofa with her.

Johanna could feel Kate's disappointment as deeply as she felt her own. They had been so hopeful that the discovery of Shadow would be the key they needed. Their hopes were dashed so often that she was surprised that they had any left.

"How did things go with Rick?" she asked, changing the subject. "You didn't say much the last few times you called."

"It got better in the afternoon," Kate told her and then she explained that she did give in and ask him if they were going to be fine, although she left out the details of what had occurred when she drove him home.

"Is your mind eased now?" Johanna asked her.

She nodded, "Yes, I feel better now...I know where I stand."

"Good," her mother said as she patted her hand. "See, I told you everything would be fine."

Kate laughed, "And that concludes another edition of 'Johanna Beckett says I told you so'."

"First of all," Johanna said with a laugh as she nudged her playfully, "That's mom to you...or mother," she hurriedly threw in; not wanting to rock the boat in regards to the word that Kate had only spoken in moments of nightmares and trauma. "And secondly, you're just like your father. He thinks he's funny too."

"He does have his moments," Kate said. "Usually at your expense."

"Ha ha," her mother said, "Whose side are you on?"

"Depends on what day it is," Kate answered, "and whose done what to who and why."

Johanna laughed, "I'm hoping we don't have any more of those dilemmas."

"Me too," Kate said. "It's always the child who suffers during the discord between the parents."

"Poor abused little girl," Johanna said dramatically.

Kate chuckled, "I know, I'm surprised the state has let you keep me."

Her mother laughed softly but then after a moment of silence, seriousness crept back into their features.

"What's the next move?" Johanna inquired quietly.

Kate didn't need to ask to know that she meant case wise. "The next move," she said, "Is to open up a bottle of wine and drag our boards out of the closet and update our work. Let's look over everything again and make some notes about where to start looking on our own; let's make sure we have a list of dates written down and any important factors for that time frame."

Johanna nodded, "Sounds like a good plan. Any idea of when we'll be able to start digging?"

"In a few days," her daughter answered.

"Did you tell Rick?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?"

"He was surprisingly okay with it," Kate replied.

"Really?" Johanna said in surprise, "Because last time when we mentioned doing this…" she trailed off not wanting to bring up the argument Kate and her writer had had when they started their project of dismantling the case.

"I know," Kate said, "But I guess as long as he's being included in it that he's okay with it now."

"Good," her mother replied. "We don't want to make more trouble for you with him."

"Yeah, I do enough of that just being myself," Kate commented. "I'll change my clothes and then we'll get started."

* * *

Three days later, Shadow's murder was no closer to being solved and the identity of his employer remained concealed. Lack of leads had shoved the case to the back burner as the team worked a new case.

Castle observed Kate during those days, watching as she tried to keep her disappointment and frustrations at bay. She hadn't cracked in regards to the case since that day in the break room and he wasn't sure if she was holding herself together for her own sake, or for the sake of her mother.

Of course, he had wondered the same thing about Johanna when he had seen her the day before when he and Kate had stopped to check on things. Johanna wore a look that was similar to her daughter's. They were losing hope…at least in regards to the normal channels of unraveling the mystery and neither one of them wanted the other to see the despair that they deeply felt. He could see it though, lingering there among the weariness and those pretend looks that they both thought convinced people that they were fine and optimistic. They were clinging to the hope that their own research would uncover something but so far Kate had been kept busy at the precinct and they hadn't had a chance to begin.

He glanced at Kate, her head bent as she filled out the paperwork for the case they were able to close. Even with her mind focused on a different case he could see the slight hint of tension in the set of her jaw and the grip she had on her pen. Castle released a heavy breath; the case probably wasn't the only thing bothering her…he was probably bothering her in some respects too. He felt as though he had been able to properly sort through his feelings during the last few days and he had come to the conclusion that he could let go of the hurt and anger that had stemmed from her lie.

She loved him…she'd actually said the words and he was still basking in the glow of that knowledge. Kate Beckett loved him. A smile spread across his face as those words floated through his mind. There was no better feeling in the world; and yet there was something else there, lingering, holding him back in a way that reminded him of those times when he was a child and his mother would grab a hold of the back of his shirt to keep him from darting out into traffic. That feeling was caution.

He didn't want to screw this up and he couldn't help but silently laugh at himself. After four years he had finally gotten what he wanted. She had finally admitted her feelings and was ready to be with him; and now he was the one who was, in some way, afraid. It seemed ludicrous but that feeling was there all the same. He had enough failures under his belt; he didn't want to add another one to the list, especially if it was Kate.

He had always had the habit of rushing into things. Meredith was a prime example of that. Their whirlwind affair had lacked depth and seriousness…until the stick turned blue and everything changed. Or at least he had changed in some respects once he knew Alexis was on the way. He had done what he thought was right thing and married her in hopes of giving his child the type of family that he had lacked as a child.

His good intentions had gone up in smoke by the time Alexis was a toddler and he had found himself in his mother's shoes, so to speak, as a single parent. When Gina came along, he tried to be different; but they hit it off so well at the beginning that he hadn't been able to contain himself. Once again he had rushed head long into the 'traffic'. When the newness wore off and the excitement died down, the marriage fizzled out.

He didn't want that to happen again. Kate was different. She was special, she was in a class all of her own. He loved her like he had never loved anyone before. He wanted it to last this time and maybe that meant that he needed to take the cautious approach. Maybe instead of closing his eyes and jumping blindly, they needed to sit down and talk over a few things and come to an agreement about what they wanted.

Castle cast another glance at Kate; they needed to talk soon. He didn't want her to think that he was stringing her along as some sort of revenge for what she had done. They needed to go someplace neutral where they'd both feel comfortable to have this discussion.

"You're thinking awfully hard over there, Castle," Kate said as she caught his eye. "You want to tell me about it?"

"I was thinking about lunch," he replied as an idea came to mind.

She smiled, "It must be a serious decision you're making," she teased. "I can't remember the last time I've seen that level of concentration on your face."

He grinned, "Well the debate between burgers and Chinese is one that must be taken seriously. There are so many things to consider, the main course, the beverages, the desserts."

She nodded, "I can see your dilemma. Did you make a decision?"

Castle smiled as he held her gaze, "I was thinking that we should go to Remy's today."

Another shade of normalcy, Kate thought to herself as she smiled. "Sounds great, I've been craving a milkshake."

"Then a milkshake you shall have, Detective," he said merrily.

"Do I still get the burger and fries that go with it?" she teased.

"Detective Beckett, have I ever taken you to lunch and not provided you with a burger and fries?" he asked, pretending to be affronted.

Kate laughed, "There's a first time for everything, Castle."

He gave her that boyish grin, and raised a hand, "I swear that you shall always have burgers, fries, and a milkshake as long as I'm around."

"I'll sleep easy tonight knowing that," Kate quipped.

"As you should," he remarked as she turned her attention back to her paperwork.

* * *

Jim had been dozing lightly, when he felt Johanna carefully extract herself from his arms and slip away. "Where are you going?" he asked as his eyes flicked open.

"To get a shower," she answered as she moved to the edge of the bed.

He couldn't help but laugh softly as he watched her reach for the nightgown he had tossed on the floor, while trying to keep the sheet wrapped securely around her.

"What?" she asked as she finally caught hold of the garment.

"I just think it's funny how you try to hold on to the sheet," he said. "It's not like I haven't seen your body…I just saw it a little while ago," he teased.

She pulled the nightgown on and dropped the sheet before turning her head in his direction. "Well the show is over now," she quipped with a smirk. "I don't even know how I let you talk me into this. I told you that we weren't going to make it a habit of doing this here."

Jim grinned at her, "Me?" he asked. "It was all your fault."

"My fault!" she exclaimed. "How was it my fault?"

"You answered the door in your nightgown...and then you kissed me," he teased.

"I always kiss you good morning," she retorted.

"That wasn't the usual good morning kiss," Jim replied.

"Yes it was!"

He shook his head, "No it wasn't, that was an 'I want more' type of kiss and you know it."

"You just took it that way because it was what you wanted. You're the one who made it into that type of kiss. You're the one who distracted me enough that I didn't even realize that you had walked me into the bedroom."

"Can I help it if you're easily distracted, Johanna?" he laughed. "Besides I didn't hear you saying no. In fact I'm pretty sure I heard you saying the exact opposite…a few times."

Her cheeks flooded with color, "Shut up. I was only answering the question you had been asking me at that moment."

He smiled wickedly, "But it was the way you answered that said it all."

Her cheeks were almost as red as her nail polish as she smacked his chest. "I hope you enjoyed this, because it's not going to be happening again anytime soon."

"You'll change your mind," he told her.

"You're just so sure of that," Johanna smirked. "So sure and so very proud of yourself for getting me in here this time."

"What's not to be proud of," Jim remarked as he made a grab for her that she artfully dodged. "Hey," he said in response as she laughed.

"I'm going to go get my shower," she said as she moved off the bed.

"Do you need help?" he asked.

Johanna turned to look at him, "I think I can handle it on my own," she told him and then she smiled somewhat seductively, "You can just stay here and think about it, that can be your punishment for being so smart."

"I was right all those years ago when I told you that I thought you were a little bit of a tease."

"Oh I could tease you better than this," she remarked flippantly as she moved to the door and unlocked it.

"Do you want to prove it?" he asked mischievously.

Johanna smiled, "Maybe some other time...in the future."

"You know technically that could mean in an hour," Jim told her.

"How do you figure?" she asked.

He grinned, "Because it hasn't happened yet, so an hour from now is still in the future."

She glared at him playfully, "I can't believe I let you take me to bed."

"You enjoyed it," he quipped.

"You're incorrigible," she stated. "There's just no hope for you."

"But you love me anyway," Jim laughed.

She laughed with him, "Yes, I do...although sometimes I wonder why I ever thought it was a good idea to do so," she teased.

"It was because I was irresistible," he told her, "And it made you weak."

"Oh my god," Johanna laughed, "You're slipping into a state of delusion."

He chuckled, "Let me there," he said. "It's a nice to place to be."

"In that case, save a spot for me," she said as she opened the door. "I could use a vacation from reality."

"I already saved you a seat right next to me," he told her.

Johanna smiled at him lovingly and then retreated across the hallway to take her shower.

Jim lingered in her bed, in no hurry to get up and in half a mind to tease her and tempt her back into bed upon her return. The apartment was quiet and he could hear the distant sound of the shower running and it lulled him a bit as he waited for her. The ring of her phone broke the silence.

'Probably Katie,' he thought to himself as he moved across the bed and snatched her phone off of the nightstand where she had obviously forgotten it that morning when she had gotten up. He glanced at the name on the screen. It wasn't his daughter. It said 'Jack' and he was overcome with a wave of déjà vu. There wasn't anger this time; he trusted his wife and he believed that she didn't have an affair with this man...but Jack was an annoyance, a thorn in his side. He was an enemy in his mind and he knew it was ridiculous but he just couldn't help it. Jack had feelings for his wife...he didn't like that and he was overwhelmed with the urge to answer the call and make it known that she did indeed have a man in her life, and that that man was him. The phone continued to ring in his hand and Jim stared at it, at war with himself as he debated whether to answer it or not. He could do so without blowing her cover. He didn't have to say her real name; he didn't even have to give his relationship status to the man. All he had to do was answer her phone and let him hear his voice; but it would be wrong, his conscience told him. He shouldn't do it...he shouldn't answer that call...but even as he thought those words, his thumb betrayed his mindset and hit 'accept'. He shouldn't have done it, he knew that, and yet what could he do now? And there was still that need to make it known that she belonged to someone. There was no turning back now.

"Hello," Jim said as he brought the phone to his ear.

There was silence on the other end of the phone and for a moment Jim thought that maybe Jack had had hung up...it would probably be best if he had...just like it probably would've been best if he himself had just hung up after he hit the accept button.

Jim was about to disconnect the call when Jack's voice sounded across the line. "Is Meagan there?" he asked, his tone conveying his confusion.

"She's busy," Jim answered.

"Can't she talk for just a moment?" Jack questioned.

"No she can't," Jim told him; refusing to divulge more. He wasn't about to say that she was in shower and hand Jack from Wyoming the opportunity to fantasize about his wife being naked.

"Is she alright?" Jack demanded to know.

"She's perfectly fine," Jim told him. "I believe she told you that the other day when you called."

"She didn't sound like she was alright," Jack said. "Something just doesn't seem right about this, she's in some kind of trouble, isn't she?"

This guy was definitely a nuisance, Jim thought and he suddenly didn't regret answering the phone because obviously this man needed to be dealt with or he was going to keep calling her and that would put Johanna on edge. She'd worry that if one of those calls came in while he was with her that it would blow apart their relationship once more. He was doing them a favor by making his presence known, he decided.

"I assure you that Meagan is fine," Jim said firmly. "Nothing is wrong; she isn't in any kind of trouble. You don't need to concern yourself, she's in good hands. Now, can I give her a message for you?"

"Just who am I speaking to and what are you to Meagan?" Jack had the nerve to ask.

The remark and Jack's possessive tone chaffed Jim and even though he hadn't intended to disclose the exact nature of their relationship he found himself saying sternly, without thought or intention, "Her husband."

There was momentary silence on the phone and Jim couldn't keep a satisfied smile from sliding across his lips.

"Meagan doesn't have a husband," Jack stated, "At least she didn't the last time I saw her."

"Things change, Jack," Jim stated somewhat smugly, "Because she has one now. Meagan is my wife," he said, just for the sake of saying the words and driving home the fact that Jack was never going to have Johanna.

"I see," Jack replied, his tone even and neutral. "Tell Meagan to call me when she has a chance, and remind her to call her friend Carolyn too. She's worried about her."

"If Carolyn's worried," Jim said, "She could just call her herself, I'm sure she'll answer the phone."

Silence fell once more, as Jack obviously didn't know what to say to that.

"I'll tell her you called," Jim said; showing Jack that the conversation was over.

"Goodbye," Jack said evenly and then the line went dead.

Jim laid the phone back on the nightstand and leaned back against Johanna's pillow. His conscience crept up on him again, on one hand, he felt like he had done the right thing for them and that it would keep Jack from calling again. Johanna didn't need the added stress of calls from Wyoming…but even as he thought of all the reasons of why it had been the right thing to do for Johanna, he knew that he had mainly done it for himself. He needed Jack to know that she was taken. He had to claim her. It was probably wrong, but he hadn't done anything to jeopardize her story as Meagan Stevens. He ran a hand over his face, he was going to have to tell Johanna what he had done…and he hoped that she wouldn't be angry with him. That she would understand why he had done it.

The door of the bedroom opened and Johanna slipped inside, wrapped in a white towel and smirked at him as she caught his eye. "Being lazy I see," she said as she gestured towards the bed where he still laid beneath her sheets.

He smiled as she bent down to pick up the remaining articles of clothing that littered the floor. "And what is that you're doing?" he asked, "Coming in here like that," he said with a gesture at her towel.

She tossed his clothes onto the foot of the bed, and tossed what remained of hers in the direction of the laundry basket. "My clothes are in here," she remarked as she moved in the direction of the dresser.

"You knew that you were going to need them," Jim said. "You could've taken them with you."

She turned in his direction and smiled, "Just what are you accusing me of?" Johanna asked.

He shrugged, "Maybe you're trying to seduce me."

Johanna laughed, "Don't you think I could come up with something more original than walking around in a towel in front of you? You've seen me in a towel plenty of times."

"It's never lost its appeal," her husband said as his eyes roamed over her.

A soft appreciative smile stole across her lips and she turned back to the dresser and pulled open a drawer.

Jim figured the time had come to fess up about what he had done. "You got a phone call while you were in the shower," he stated.

"Katie?" she asked as she rummaged through the drawer.

"No," Jim answered.

There was something in the way that he said 'no' that had the lacy garments she had been sifting through, slip from her fingers. "Who?" she asked with trepidation as she kept her back to him for a moment longer.

He could see the tension taking over her body and he tried to keep his tone soft as he said, "Jack."

Johanna closed her eyes for a second, part fearful that Jim might be angry or accusatory again and part annoyed that Jack had sprung up in her life once more. She turned to face her husband, her task forgotten. "I swear, Jim, I haven't been talking to him."

"I know," he answered, looking her in the eye as he said it. "I trust you."

Johanna moved away from the dresser and approached the nightstand where her phone laid, "I'm going to send him a text and tell him not to call me anymore," she stated.

"I think he's already gotten that message," Jim stated.

"What do you mean?" she asked as she eyed him.

"I answered it," he said simply.

Johanna's eyes widened, "You didn't!" she exclaimed.

"I did."

"What were you thinking?" Johanna asked him.

"I don't know," Jim said as he pushed himself up into a seated position. "I guess I wasn't."

She had a feeling that she knew exactly what he had been thinking and it had to do with that male need to mark his territory.

"What was said?" she inquired.

"He asked for you and I told him you were busy," Jim began, "He didn't seem to like that; but of course I don't like how possessive he seems to be about you and he's convinced that something is going on with you."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said that you were fine."

Johanna's brow rose as she regarded him, "What aren't you telling me?"

Jim looked at her, "He demanded to know who I was and what I was to you."

"And?"

"I didn't tell him my name…nor did I tell him your real name. I didn't say anything that would make him think that you aren't who you've been pretending to be," Jim said.

"So what did you say?" his wife demanded to know.

"I told him that I was your husband," he stated; and there wasn't an ounce of remorse in his tone for it.

"Jim," she sighed as her eyes fluttered close.

"I know I shouldn't have answered it, Johanna," he said, "But I did and I'm sorry."

"You know you just made things very difficult for me," she said as her gaze landed on her phone.

"How?"

She looked at him as if he should already know why. "Because when this is over, I'm going to have loose ends to tie up and I'm going to owe these people an explanation."

"You don't owe them anything," Jim replied.

"Yes I do. They deserve to know why I've always acted the way I did. They deserve to know the truth and telling Jack that I'm married did not help things. Within an hour everyone will know and they'll all be talking and speculating about me and my behavior."

"Let them talk," Jim said. "You're here, with me, where you belong."

She sighed, he just didn't understand and she didn't feel like making him. He was right; after all, she was there with him. What was being said in Wyoming shouldn't matter.

"Is there anything else I should know about this phone call?"

Silence fell between them for a moment and he looked at her "I just thought that maybe if he knew you were with someone he would quit calling you," he told her. "I figured that you didn't need the added stress of his calls…that neither of us did. I know that if his number comes up on your phone when you're with me that you're going to be afraid…just like you were afraid when I said his name."

Johanna said nothing for a moment as she absorbed the statement. He hadn't done it to be cruel or smart, and she believed that in part he had done it for her, thinking that he was helping her...that he was helping them and protecting their relationship; but she wasn't a fool. She knew that although he believed and trusted her, that jealousy had played a role. He still viewed Jack as a potential threat and he had to let him know where he stood. She couldn't blame him for that…she would've done the same thing if the situation was reversed.

"Okay," she said quietly. "I understand."

"I wasn't trying to hurt you," Jim said sincerely. "I won't do it again."

"I know," she replied; and then she looked at him with a knowing smirk, "Do you feel better now that you've staked your claim?"

Jim grinned, "I'd be lying if I said no."

She smiled as she rolled her eyes, "Men," she muttered.

He laughed and reached for her, pulling her down on top of him as he laid back against the pillows. "I can't help it," he said. "I'm not sorry for that part."

A coy look flicked across her face as she shifted, allowing her body to stretch out as his body supported her weight. "Obviously," she said as she looked into his blue eyes.

A playful smirk slid across his face, his eyes full of love for her. She felt his fingertips at the back of her thigh, lazily caressing her skin, sending a little jolt of desire through her…just as he probably hoped, she was thought.

A teasing smile was upon her face as she looked at him, "You are far, far too smug today, Jim Beckett," she stated, her tone somewhat seductive.

His fingertips drifted a bit higher, slipping just beneath the edge of her towel. "Maybe you should punish me, Mrs. Beckett," he said lightly.

"I've always liked the sound of that name," she whispered before brushing a kiss against his lips.

"It suits you," he replied, his other hand coming up to tangle in her hair, drawing her back for another kiss.

She shifted, meaning to move off of him, because surely she was getting heavy by now, but his hands landed on her waist, holding her in place, unwilling to release her.

"Stay," he whispered.

"But I'm…," she began to say.

He shook his head, "You're fine…I have you right where I want you."

The smile that curved her lips upward was soft and her fingers trailed along his face as she gazed at him. She hadn't wanted to move anyway, not when it felt so good to have these moments again. They had spent so many nights and mornings just like this in the past. She closed her eyes as she breathed in the smell of his skin and the light scent of his cologne. She had missed this. She had missed their intimacy and now that she had a taste of it once again, she couldn't help but revel in the feel of her body against his, the feel of his chest rising and falling beneath hers, the feel of those hands she loved so much moving over her slowly. She could feel his warmth seeping through the sheet that covered him and her towel, heating her skin.

Her eyes flicked open, her gaze locking upon his. There was still that touch of smugness in his blue eyes; pride that he had won earlier in the morning, and the thought that he was winning again now. There was amusement, there was love...and it was all for her. After thirty plus years, her heart still fluttered at the amazement of it all. She loved him so very much...more than he could ever imagine.

"Are you thinking about my punishment?" Jim asked quietly; a teasing lilt in his tone as his hand settled back at her waist.

"No."

"Then what are you thinking so seriously about?" he inquired.

"You," Johanna whispered.

"What about me?"

"I'm still amazed that you love me," she said softly.

Jim smiled, "I'd be a fool not to," he told her, "And besides, I'm the one who's amazed that you picked me."

She lowered her head and caught his lips in a sensual kiss that lingered and turned into two and then three and then her phone rang, breaking the spell they had been under.

Johanna grinned at him as they broke apart, "There's your punishment Mr. Beckett."

He smirked, "If that's Jack, I'm going to tell him what you're busy doing this time."

She laughed and shifted off of him and then grabbed her phone. "It's your daughter," she stated.

"I really am being punished," he said. "I have a daughter with bad phone call timing."

"Serves you right for being so smug," she said before she accepted the call.

When she ended the call she placed the phone back on the nightstand and shot him a sassy smirk as she dodged his hands and rose from the bed once again.

"Now where are you going?" he asked.

"To get dressed," she answered as she moved back to the drawer that was still open.

"So the show isn't over after all," Jim replied with a grin as he watched her pluck items from the dresser.

"Wrong," she laughed as she moved towards the door once again.

"I thought you were getting dressed in here," he said.

"Well I was," she said teasingly, "But then you asked to be punished so now I have to go away and get dressed. I wouldn't want to reward you for bad behavior."

Jim laughed, "You're a cruel woman, Jo. Very, very cruel."

Johanna grinned, "And that's only part of the punishment."

"What's the rest?"

She laughed, "You have to be out of my bed by the time I come back."

"Now that is a punishment," he quipped as she shot him a smug look of her own before slipping out the door.

* * *

Once they were at Remy's with their meal well under way and her phone call home taken care of, Castle glanced across the table and caught Kate's eye.

"Can we talk...about us?" he asked.

Kate took a sip of her milkshake and then set it aside. So, once again, the moment had come, she thought to herself as she nodded. "Yeah, if you want to, we can talk about us."

He hesitated for a moment, not wanting to say something that might get them off on the wrong foot. "I feel like there are a few things we might need to talk about before we dive into this."

"Okay," Kate agreed, feeling slightly nervous at his serious expression.

"A few weeks ago," he began, "I asked you what we were and you said that we were 'unofficially together'," he reminded her. "What is our status now in your mind?"

She took a moment to consider her words, "I'm hoping that our status is 'together'," she replied, "But the final decision about that is left up to you…and if you still want us to be together."

"Kate, there is nothing that I want more than to be with you. I want us to be together, officially."

"I want that too," she replied.

He gave a nod of his head, "Alright, but there is something I need to know."

"What?"

"If things get hard, are you going to run from me, Kate?" he asked as he held eye contact with her.

"No," she answered. "Haven't I been telling you that I have no desire to run from you?"

"Yes, you've told me that," Castle replied, "But I know you and we haven't really been in a situation lately where that theory has been tested."

"Castle, I'm not going to run from you anymore. I'm done with that; but I can't promise that there won't be times when I need to walk away and have some space for a day...do I have to be afraid that if I need to do that, that you're going to accuse me of running?"

"No," he replied. "I understand that there are going to be times when you're going to need space and times when I might…but there is a point when space becomes running."

Kate thought about that for a moment, "Maybe we can come to an agreement about what the boundaries of 'space' are and what it means."

"I think that's a good idea," Castle agreed. "I feel that having space should last no longer than 3 days."

"With or without contact?" Kate asked.

"Depends on the situation but I think the 3 day rule should stand for either and by the end of the third day, some type of contact should be made and the issue discussed"

"Fine," Kate said, "That sounds reasonable."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Castle, I'm sure."

"Okay," he said with a smile, "Then that issue is settled in my mind."

Kate regarded him for a moment, "I have an issue I'd like to discuss."

"What is it?" he asked.

"What about you, Rick?" she asked. "What about your form of running? Do I have to worry that if you get mad at me that you might go out and find a 'Jacinda' to throw in my face?"

"No, of course not!" he exclaimed. "If I'm in a relationship with you, then I am going to be fully and completely committed to you, Kate. That would never happen, and just for the record, Jacinda didn't mean anything to me."

She held his gaze, "Well maybe it meant something to me," she stated.

"What?" he asked.

Kate chewed on her bottom lip for a moment as she hesitated and contemplated the best way to express how she had felt. "To me," she began, "It meant 'see how easily I can replace you'…and that wasn't the first time I had that feeling."

He looked dumbfounded for a moment before he spoke, "I admit that I was trying to hurt you with Jacinda and I'm sorry for that. I really am, I acted like an ass instead of talking to you about what the problem was and I can assure you that isn't going to happen again. With that said what other times made you feel that way?"

"Well there was Serena Kaye, and how quickly you became enamored by her," she answered, hating herself for the way this sounded but it was how she had felt and maybe she needed to quit hiding those things.

"I was not enamored," he clarified. "You had made it clear that you weren't ready for a relationship...what was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Kate said with a shrug. "But I couldn't help but think about how easily your head was turned by her despite the fact that you claimed to love me."

"I do love you, I loved you then, but you said…"

"I know what I said, Castle. It's just I...I guess I felt like you accepted that so easily and then she caught your attention so well and I guess that added to my doubts and fears about telling you that I remembered."

"Kate, I was never trying to replace you," Castle replied as he covered her hand with his. "I was just trying to give you time, and even though this is an incredibly bad reason, my mother had been harping at me about not being in a relationship."

The statement made her laugh softly, "Mothers," she said with a shake of her head.

He grinned, "They can be a pain," he stage whispered.

"I know," she said with a smile.

"Any others?" he asked, "While we have the topic open we may as well clear the air."

"Just Gina," she answered.

"You were with Demming."

Kate looked him in the eye, "I ended things with him to go away with you."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Her lips curved upwards in the slightest hint of a regretful smile, "I was going to but then I couldn't because all of a sudden she was there, hanging on your arm and the two of you were off to the Hamptons for the summer. That was the first time I had that feeling of being replaced."

"I only asked her to go with me because you had said no," he replied. "If I had known that you were going to change your mind, that whole thing with Gina never would've happened."

"But you were still with her when you came back."

"And you were with Josh," he stated.

Kate nodded, "I was with Josh because you were with Gina."

"And yet you were still with him even after I ended things with her."

"I know," she answered, "And I don't have a good excuse for that, except maybe fear. We were growing closer during that time, Castle, and sometimes I'd get afraid that if we'd cross the line and lose everything we had. You're the only one I've really let in and I was just always afraid of losing that…sometimes I'm still afraid."

He smiled at her, "Would it make you feel better if I told you that sometimes it scares me too?"

She smiled slightly, "Maybe a little."

"It's true," he told her, "I get afraid too, Kate. I don't want to blow this, I don't want to lose you; but there comes that point when 'just enough' isn't enough anymore and you have to take the risk to have what you want…and I want you, so I'm ready to take the risk... are you?"

"Yes," she whispered. "I'm ready. I just want you."

"So we're on the same page?" he asked. "We both agree that we're in a committed relationship?"

"Yes."

"No more running, no more hiding?"

Kate nodded, "If you feel like I'm running, then you confront me, don't just let me do it and ruin this."

"Okay, and if I'm pushing too much or you feel like we're moving faster than you're comfortable with, then you tell me and we'll slow down."

Kate smiled, that was a bit of a relief to hear. As much as she wanted to be with him, there was still that cautious side of her nature and she didn't want to fear having to tell him if they needed to pull back a little.

"No ploys of jealousy," she remarked.

"Right," he agreed. "If I'm acting like an ass, you have my permission to inflict bodily harm upon me."

Kate laughed, "Can I get that one in writing?"

"If you want," he replied, a gleam in his blue eyes. "I'll even have it notarized for you."

"There's one more thing," Kate said, "And I don't want you to take it the wrong way."

He hated the sound of that, "What is it and why would I take it the wrong way?"

"Because the last time this was mentioned, you made the statement that it was like we were in middle school and I was your secret girlfriend."

He released a breath that he hadn't realized that he had been holding, "I know that we have to keep it out of the precinct and that Gates can't find out."

"It's more than that," Kate replied.

He looked at her for a beat, "You don't want anyone to know…which does bring about the secret girlfriend theory."

"That's not what I'm saying, Castle. You're jumping to conclusions before I even get to finish," she said. "We can tell our families, but I don't want it made public right now."

"I wasn't going to announce it on Page Six," he replied.

She rolled her eyes, "I didn't say you were, and if you don't stop and let me explain my reason, I may have to take you up on that offer of bodily harm."

That statement seemed to rein him back in and his features relaxed. "I'm sorry," he told her, "Please, go on."

"Rick, I don't want too many people to know the exact status of our relationship right now because of this case. I don't want to take the chance of making you more of a target than you may already be just by working with me."

He understood then, she wasn't trying to hide him, she was trying to protect him. He could relate to that, he was, after all, trying to protect her.

"Okay," he said to her, "I understand that and I don't want to be another worry that's on your shoulders. We'll keep it quiet and we'll take things easy starting out so we can find our balance, how does that sound to you?"

"You're okay with that?" she asked.

"Yes, as long as I can be with you, I'm fine."

"Then I guess it's settled," Kate said as a wide smile spread across her face.

"It's settled," he agreed as he squeezed her hand, and then after a moment, he laughed. "I swear that when I thought about us having this talk that I didn't mean for it to sound like contract negotiations."

Kate laughed, "It's us, Castle, what do you expect?"

"True," he commented, "We do have a habit of being different."

"No one can dispute that," Kate said as she reached for her milkshake.

"You know," he said with a teasing grin, "It's customary to shake hands when a contract has been settled."

She smiled coyly, "I thought we'd seal it with a kiss, but if you only want a handshake…"

"I'll take the kiss," he remarked as he leaned across the table.

She met him half way and they shared a tender kiss that felt full of promise. When it was over, he pulled back a small bit and said, "I now pronounce us, Rick and Kate, a couple."

"A couple of what?" she could resist asking.

He grinned, "That remains to be seen."

She laughed and drew him back for another kiss.

"I love you," he said when she pulled away.

"I love you too," she whispered.

He smiled and his tone was soft as he said, "It feels good, doesn't it."

The smile on her face was the same one he had commented on that night they danced in the kitchen, "Yeah," she said quietly, her eyes full of love. "It feels good."

Saying the words, and knowing that they were going to be together, felt better than she could have ever imagined.

* * *

Two days later, Kate and Johanna were shuffling around the apartment, getting ready for their trip to the library.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kate asked as she watched her mother put her reading glasses in their case before she slipped them into her purse.

Johanna looked at her, "Of course I want to do this," she replied. "Don't you?"

"Yes, but Castle and I could always go..."

"No," Johanna said; cutting her off, "This is our project and I'm going along like we planned, so if you're standing there thinking about leaving me behind for some reason, you can just forget it."

Kate smiled, "I wasn't trying to leave you behind. I was just making sure that you weren't having second thoughts, because I'd understand if you were."

"I'm not," her mother assured. "I'm ready to do this."

Kate nodded in agreement, "Okay. Do we have our notes that we're taking with us?"

"Right here," Johanna said as she grabbed the purple spiral notebook from its resting place on the coffee table.

Kate took it from her hands and flipped through it, making sure they hadn't forgotten any names or dates when they had written out a list in the back. She unzipped her purse and tried to shove the notebook in, not wanting it to be on display as they left the building, just in case someone was watching. It seemed ridiculous to worry about being spotted with a notebook but why take a chance that it might make someone nervous. Kate frowned as she tried to finagle it inside her bag. It wouldn't fit. She eyed her mother's purse, which was larger than hers.

"See if you can get this in your purse," she said to Johanna as she handed the notebook back to her. "I don't want anyone to see us carrying it around."

Johanna accepted the object without question and Kate watched as she slid it into her purse, with only the slightest bend to make it fit. She smirked as her mother's gaze met hers. "Guess it's a good thing you bought a new purse," Kate said.

"I guess so," Johanna replied and then she glanced at her watch. "When is Rick supposed to be here?"

"He should be here any minute."

Her mother nodded as she took up her nervous habit of tapping her foot against the floor.

"Relax, Mother," Kate stated.

"I'm relaxed," Johanna retorted.

"Guess that's why you're tapping your foot."

Her mother looked down at her feet and abruptly stopped the motion of her foot. "I'm sorry," she said, "Sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it."

"I know," Kate replied, "But why don't you just tell what's on your mind so you don't wear your foot out."

Johanna sighed, "You know what's on my mind, Katie. I'm hoping that we find something useful...," she said before trailing off.

Kate studied her features, "I have a feeling there is something more behind that sentiment than usual; you want to tell me what it is?"

Not really, Johanna thought to herself as she glanced at her daughter. She didn't really want to tell her out of fear that she'd make her feel bad in some way, but she had a feeling that Kate wasn't going to let her clam up today…her new relationship status with Rick seemed to give her a boost in attitude and confidence and Johanna doubted that she could deter her determination to know what was on her mind.

"The date keeps slipping closer to the 18th," Johanna said quietly, her gaze shifting away from Kate and landing on her left hand where her engagement ring rested on her finger.

Kate was quiet for a moment; she'd had a feeling that that was what was on her mother's mind and spurning her desire to hit the ground running that morning. She had had to rein her in at breakfast and remind her that they were going to wait for Castle, and she could tell that every moment that ticked by and found them still sitting in her apartment was plucking at her nerves.

She didn't begrudge her the feeling and she moved forward, stooping down in front of her mother as she sat on the couch, her eyes still focused upon her diamond ring.

"Listen," Kate said softly as she covered her mother's hand with hers, forcing her gaze to her face. "I know that you want this to be over by then...but I don't think it's going to happen."

"I know," Johanna whispered as her eyes darted away once more but Kate caught the glimmer of tears in them and the subtle, rapid, blinking to keep them at bay didn't escape her notice either. She shouldn't have told her that, she shouldn't have taken away that tiny glimmer of hope that her mother was clinging to.

"But I could be wrong," Kate said, hoping to turn things back around. "There's still time."

"13 days," Johanna replied. "That's not much."

"A lot can happen in 13 days."

Her mother shook her head, "It's not going to happen," she said sadly, unable to keep the emotion from her tone. "Even if we were to find something useful today...it would still take time to gather the evidence and put everything together enough to get a warrant. It's just not going to happen no matter how badly I want it."

A little pang of sympathy skittered across Kate's heart as she looked at her mother. "I promise you that I will find a way for you to have a wonderful anniversary despite all of this."

Johanna gave her a small smile and gripped her hand, "You have enough things to worry about, I'll be fine. Whether the case is still open or closed, I'll still be spending my anniversary in a better way than I have been."

Kate did her best to give her a hopeful smile, "It'll be okay," she assured, "And I'm still going to find a way to make things special for you and Dad, you both deserve that even if it has to be in the middle of all of this."

"That's a sweet thought," Johanna said as she squeezed her hand, "But just being with him on that day will be enough for me."

The knock at the door sparred Kate from responding and she figured it was just as well; her mother's mood had obviously taken a dip and she felt as though she had helped it along by popping that little bubble of hope she had been holding on to. She rose from her spot in front of her mother and moved in the direction of the door.

Castle's smile greeted her as she swung the door open and she couldn't help but return it with one of her own. "Good morning," he said as he handed her a cup of coffee.

"Thank you," she said as she accepted the cup and then kissed him. "It's about time you got here, someone is feeling antsy," she told him with a nod of her head in her mother's direction.

He smiled as he looked to the older woman as she remained in her place on the sofa. "Sorry, Johanna," he said as he walked towards her, "There was a line, but I didn't forget you," he proclaimed as he held out a cup of coffee for her. "I hope this will make it easy to forgive my tardiness."

Johanna smiled as she accepted the cup, "Thank you, Rick," she answered. "It was very kind of you to think of me."

"Does that mean I'm forgiven for delaying you when you're anxious to get started?" he asked.

A mischievous sparkle lit up her eyes, "I suppose I can forgive you this time," she told him, "But let's not make it a habit."

He grinned, "I promise."

"Are we ready to go?" Kate asked as her mother got up from the sofa.

Johanna nodded, "I'm ready."

"Can I drive?" Castle asked as he turned towards Kate.

"No," she answered.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so," Kate replied.

"But we're together now," Castle stated as if that should make all the difference.

"So," Kate replied, "That doesn't mean you get to drive."

"That's not fair," he said and then he turned towards Johanna and whined, "She never lets me drive."

"I let you drive the other day," she stated before her mother even got a chance to respond.

"So I'm at my quota now for the year?" Castle asked.

Kate smirked at him, "Driving privileges weren't discussed during our relationship negotiations."

"Negotiations?" Johanna asked, "What did the two of you do, sit down and draw up a contract so you could date?"

"Not exactly," Kate answered lightly. "I didn't sign anything."

"We just discussed the terms," Castle told her, "Although it did seem like we were preparing a contract," he laughed.

Johanna shook her head as they filed out into the hallway and made their way towards the elevator, "I've heard of people negotiating to get out of a relationship, but I don't think I've ever heard of anyone negotiating to get into one."

Castle shrugged, "You mean you and Jim didn't negotiate terms?" he teased. "It seems like something two lawyers would do."

"Yeah," Kate said as the elevator doors slid shut, "Were there negotiations involved?"

"No," her mother answered, "We were old fashioned."

"Meaning what?" Castle asked.

"Meaning we worked on the theory of expectations," Johanna replied.

"What kind of expectations?" Kate inquired.

Johanna smirked, "I expected him to take me out on a date once or twice a week and he expected there to be sex at the end of it."

Kate slapped a hand over her face as Castle burst into laughter. "I'm sorry I asked," she said.

"I thought you would be," Johanna replied, "But what can I say, we were weird like that."

Castle had his laughter somewhat under control as he looked at Johanna, "Kate and I are hoping to be weird like that one day."

"I'm sure you are, Rick," Johanna laughed.

"Oh my god," Kate said with a shake of her head, "I'm not sure I want to go out in public with the two of you."

Castle grinned as he wrapped an arm around her, "Don't worry," he told her, "We'll behave...won't we, Johanna?"

"We'll try," she replied with a grin at her daughter.

Kate laughed, "It's going to be a long day," she said, all the while thinking that maybe it would be a little lighter in nature with Castle along to keep their spirits up.

_Authors Note: Okay, I can already feel your hate vibes coming at me because Castle and Beckett have yet to have their love scene…relax…it's coming, lol. If all goes according to plan, and I see no reason why it shouldn't, then that moment that you're all waiting for will occur in chapter 33…don't make that face at me ;) there's only one chapter before 33, hang in there lol._

_One last thing, I know it's been taking me longer than usual to write these chapters, I have a reason for that and that reason is that the case is going to be unraveling in this set of chapters. I have a lot of things planned, and I need to take a little more time and care in placing those things in their appropriate places so that when we get to the moment that I have been waiting for (and by that I mean the scene that I have been waiting to write since I first started putting this story together) that everything will come together and be just right. I can't settle for less then perfection with that scene as my goal, so bear with me guys if I'm taking a little longer than usual. I assure you that I'm always working on it (even when I'm writing for my other story, I'm still working on this one). I always get the chapter done, I always finish my stories so please don't think that I'm neglecting Apologize because that couldn't be further from the truth. -Lucy_


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